WELLINGTON COLLEGE
Parents’ and Caregivers Guide
for Developing Responsible Teenagers
2
Wellington College
CONTENTS
CONTENTS ..................................................................................................................................................................................... 3
FOREWORD ................................................................................................................................................................................... 4
INTRODUCTION ............................................................................................................................................................................. 5
Chapter 1: ...................................................................................................................................................................................... 6
CREATING RESILIENT ADOLESCENTS .......................................................................................................................................... 6
COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR ADOLESCENT............................................................................................................................ 6
CREATING RESILIENT FAMILY STRUCTURES ............................................................................................................................... 6
WHAT YOU CAN DO TO BUILD FAMILY STRENGTH AND RESILIENCE? ......................................................................................... 7
Chapter 2: ...................................................................................................................................................................................... 8
KEEPING THEM SAFE: UNDERSTANDING ALCOHOL, DRUGS AND ADOLESCENTS ........................................................................ 8
ALCOHOL ISSUES ....................................................................................................................................................................... 9
BRAIN FACTS ........................................................................................................................................................................... 10
STRATEGIES TO PREVENT ADOLESCENT USE OF DRUGS AND ALCOHOL ................................................................................... 11
HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR ADOLESCENT WHEN THEY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH DRUGS AND ALCOHOL
38
....... 12
Chapter 3: .................................................................................................................................................................................... 13
WHEN ADOLESCENTS NEED HELP: DEPRESSION....................................................................................................................... 13
HOW TO RECOGNISE DEPRESSION IN YOUR ADOLESCENT: ...................................................................................................... 14
HOW YOU CAN HELP SOMEONE WITH DEPRESSION 15............................................................................................................. 15
TIPS TO HELP PROMOTE EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING IN ADOLESCENTS: 19.................................................................................. 16
Chapter 4: .................................................................................................................................................................................... 17
PARTIES AND AFTER-SCHOOL TIME ......................................................................................................................................... 17
PARTY GUIDELINES: GIVING A PARTY ...................................................................................................................................... 18
PARTY GUIDELINES: PARENTS OF A PARTYGOER ..................................................................................................................... 19
PARENTAL/ADOLESCENT ALCOHOL AGREEMENTS – POINTS TO CONSIDER ............................................................................. 20
Chapter 5: .................................................................................................................................................................................... 21
DRUGS, ALCOHOL, TOBACCO AND THEIR USE .......................................................................................................................... 21
RESPONSIBLE USE OF LEGAL DRUGS ........................................................................................................................................ 21
3
COMMON ILLEGAL DRUGS AND THEIR ATTRIBUTES ............................................................................................................... 22
Chapter 6: .................................................................................................................................................................................... 24
LEGAL FACTS ........................................................................................................................................................................... 24
Chapter 7 ..................................................................................................................................................................................... 26
DEVELOPING RESPONSIBILITY IN ADOLESCENTS ...................................................................................................................... 26
Chapter 8 ..................................................................................................................................................................................... 28
SEEKING HELP ......................................................................................................................................................................... 28
References................................................................................................................................................................................... 29
Parents’ and Caregivers Guide for Developing Responsible Teenagers
3
FOREWORD
I
t is my pleasure to recommend this publication to you. It has
been developed to provide a resource for parents in dealing
with some of the challenges which can confront adolescents.
The publication is based on a booklet prepared by Trinity Grammar
School in Melbourne, with the advice of Dr Carr-Gregg and others.
It was further developed by King’s College in Auckland, who have
kindly made it available to us. It has been further modified and
adapted for Wellington College and I thank the several staff who
have assisted.
Responsibility is one of the Cornerstone Values that we promote
at Wellington College. We see it as a willingness to be trustworthy
and accountable for (our) own conduct and behaviour.
The publication aims to further develop good parenting, making it
informed, with consistency between home and school and providing clear boundaries, especially on
matters that relate to the health and safety of our young men.
As I said in the Collegian (July, 2011), the relationship between parents and sons is at the core of any
society. In an age where so much pressure is foisted upon young people, it has never been more important
to scrutinise our own family structures and to work hard at these fundamental relationships.
Resilience is also promoted. Many studies have shown that the primary factor in resilience is having caring
and supportive relationships within and outside the family. Relationships that create love and trust, as well
as provide role models, and offer encouragement plus reassurance, help bolster a person’s resilience. (See
The Road to Resilience, a pamphlet put out by the American Psychological Association).
Involvement in sport and cultural activities offers a positive alternative to some of the more risky
occupations of youth. Taking part in sport is good all-round for teenagers; physically, socially and mentally
according to a recent study from West Virginia University (Zullig and White). The research shows that
teenagers who are physically active and play in sports teams are more satisfied with their life and feel
healthier. Likewise, involvement in cultural activities has proven benefits e.g. they motivate and engage
young people in learning, stimulate memory, facilitate understanding, enhance communication, promote
relationships and provide an avenue to build competence and self-esteem.
Real progress in education cannot occur in a moral vacuum. Teachers and parents must be eternally
vigilant to model the core values of honesty, integrity, self-restraint and respect for others along with
responsibility. A failure to do so will inevitably result in an erosion of our standards.
We hope that you will find this publication helpful.
Roger Moses
Headmaster
4
Wellington College
INTRODUCTION
This book has been put together to offer parents of adolescents some useful strategies and helpful information to
guide them through the secondary years in a way that promotes positive adolescent health and well-being.
The information gathered is from current research and practice, and written with the generous support and
knowledge gained in consultation with Dr Michael Carr-Gregg and Associate Professor John Toumborou PhD. Please
read this booklet and use it as a catalyst for communication among yourselves and your sons.
KEY CONCEPTS
•
In adolescence, the brain undergoes pronounced transformation and during this time it is particularly
sensitive to alcohol and drug use. Research is becoming clearer that alcohol use at a young age is harmful and
should be discouraged for at least the first three years of secondary school.
•
Parents have a direct influence over their adolescent’s attitude and behaviour towards alcohol use. When
parents are openly permissive towards adolescent alcohol use adolescents tend to drink more. When parents
show disapproval, adolescents are less likely to drink. Parents should make their views known and set clear
rules with their adolescent about alcohol and drug use. Delaying the age alcohol is first used can reduce
potential problems later in life. When older adolescents use alcohol it is important for parents to discuss
harm minimisation strategies with them.
•
Parenting is about encouraging adolescent resilience through understanding, and by instilling values and
building trusting relationships with them.
Listening openly to how young people feel is the key to building a
good relationship and increases their willingness to talk and spend time
with their parents.
•
Putting aside time to listen to them is an important contribution to their development and builds a strong
and respectful relationship. 1
Despite parents’ best efforts, there will be times when the problems of your adolescents seem overwhelming
to them. They may be experiencing a more serious problem. If they express a lack of self-worth and are
persistently sad for two weeks or longer, professional help should be sought. 2
•
Holding and attending safe parties is paramount to keeping adolescents safe. This guide gives parents some
tips for safe parties. It is also important to know where your adolescent is, particularly after school, as this is a
time when adolescents can be at great risk.
•
Be informed about drugs and alcohol, educate yourself about the substances commonly used/abused by
adolescents, and be aware of their legal and health implications.
•
Learn to say “NO!” to your son. There will be times when your adolescent won’t like what you say and will act
as though he doesn’t like you.
Parents’ and Caregivers Guide for Developing Responsible Teenagers
5
Chapter 1:
CREATING RESILIENT ADOLESCENTS
Family bonding is the bedrock of the relationship between parents and their adolescent son. Bonding can be
strengthened through parent-son communication, parent supportiveness of their adolescent and parental
involvement.
COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR ADOLESCENT
•
Make time for your son daily. Find an activity you enjoy doing together. Put aside your chores, pay attention
and listen to your son. Don’t do all the talking. 1
•
Let your adolescent know you are willing to just listen to their ideas without making judgments. Listening in
a respectful way is often called active listening, and it is a way of responding that allows others to openly
express their ideas and feelings without interruption. Such active listening builds relationships, as it lets your
son know you care for them and respect them.
•
Try not to be defensive when your adolescent makes generalisations or critical remarks. Don’t take them
personally. They are opportunities for discussion.
•
Give adolescents lots of positive feedback. Encourage them for whom they are, not just for their
accomplishments. When parents are quick to encourage rather than to criticise, young people feel good
about themselves and develop the self-confidence to trust their own judgment.
•
Tolerate differences. Encourage your teenager to talk freely about their lives, problems, school and work.
Talk about topics where all people do not have the same opinions. 2
•
Encourage adolescents to take responsibility for their own problems. Involve them in calm discussions
about the consequences of their possible actions and behaviour before they are needed and be consistent in
carrying out those consequences should the need arise.
•
Remove the stigma of failure from your home. Young people need to understand that the only failure is in
not trying. Mistakes are not failures but provide adolescents with new information that can help them
succeed. They all need the freedom to be imperfect. 3
•
Friendships are important in adolescence. Criticising friends can lead to arguments and encourage
adolescents to defend any unacceptable behaviour of their friends. Sometimes parents worry about their
son’s peer group, but it is much more productive to debate the value systems of their friends than to criticise
the friends themselves. Get to know their friends - often the best way is to feed them.
•
Doing everything for your adolescent is not useful. This may prevent your son from learning to take
responsibility for himself. Teach your son to organise his time and be aware of the needs of others. 4
•
Learn to say “NO!” to your son. There will be times when your adolescent won’t like what you say and will
act as though he or she doesn’t like you. Being your son’s friend should not be your primary role during this
time in his life.5
CREATING RESILIENT FAMILY STRUCTURES
A contemporary family may be a single parent or a blended family, or involve grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings,
friends and other children. All families have their unique strengths, and, no matter what type of family you are a part
of, it is possible for parents to offer the essential things needed by adolescents. 6
Adolescents benefit from a positive relationship with at least one adult who has developed a healthy lifestyle and
positive values.
6
Wellington College
WHAT YOU CAN DO TO BUILD FAMILY STRENGTH AND RESILIENCE?
•
Create opportunities for family members to express love and care for each other. Family members can show
affection by giving each other hugs and kisses or they may show their love, care and interest in other ways
such as helping each other or asking questions regarding the well-being of a family member.
•
Practice good communication. Talk to each other and be open with your own thoughts and feelings.
•
Respect others and be responsible. As adolescents get older, they can take on additional responsibilities. It is
important that adolescents help at home. When your son reaches the appropriate age, encourage him to
take on a part-time job.
•
Do things together so each person has a sense of belonging to the family. An important family activity is
sitting down to dinner together at least once a week.
•
Connect to others. To friends, and to people at school or in the neighbourhood and community. Encourage
your adolescent to volunteer his time, skills or talents like coaching a junior sports team, reading to younger
siblings or mowing the lawn for a neighbour.
•
Learn to cope and bounce back. Strong families pull together in difficult times. They have a positive attitude.
Encourage the quality of optimism as this is part of resilience. It is the knowledge of how to believe in
yourself in spite of difficulties and that there will be a satisfactory solution in the end.
Parents’ and Caregivers Guide for Developing Responsible Teenagers
7
Chapter 2:
KEEPING THEM SAFE: UNDERSTANDING
ALCOHOL, DRUGS AND ADOLESCENTS
86% of adolescents at age 14 years old report that they use alcohol.
1
The National Health and Medical Research Council (NHMRC) draft guidelines for low risk drinking. 2
•
Parents and carers are advised that not drinking is the safest option for adolescents less than 15
years of age.
•
Not drinking is the safest option for adolescents aged 15-17 years. If drinking does occur, it should
be under parental supervision and within the adult guidelines for low-risk drinking (two standard
drinks or less in any one day). See Standard Drink Guide later in the book.
The NHMRC guidelines state that parents should discourage adolescents from starting to use alcohol. However, many
adolescents start using alcohol despite parental advice. In these cases it is recommended:
•
Parents not overreact, but listen and maintain respectful communication.
•
Encourage your adolescent into activities that do not involve alcohol.
•
Strongly suggest that until your adolescent is 18 they will drink on a less than weekly frequency i.e., do
something every other week that does not involve alcohol.
•
Drinking on a less than weekly frequency at age 17 reduces the likelihood of experiencing alcohol
problems in adulthood.
One in 20 adolescents are drinking more than 50 standard drinks a month.
4
DRINKING FACTS
•
Research has shown more teens die as a result of alcohol use than combined deaths from all other illegal
drugs.5
•
Adolescents who begin drinking before the age of 15 have a 40% chance of becoming alcohol dependent. 6
•
One in 20 teenagers is drinking more than 50 standard drinks a month .7
•
Parents are the greatest providers of alcohol for underage drinkers. 8
•
Underage drinking kills one Australian teenager a week and results in more than 60 hospital admissions a
week. 9
•
Adolescents can consume larger quantities of alcohol faster than adults before feeling the effect, and
adolescents are less sensitive to the sedating effects of alcohol. This allows them to continue drinking for
longer which extends their exposure to higher and more dangerous levels of alcohol. 10
•
Approximately 25% of adolescents binge drink at least once a month.
•
Over 80% of alcohol consumed by 14 to 17 year-olds is drunk at levels that cause acute harm. 11
•
Drinking games in which large amounts of alcohol are rapidly consumed can be deadly, and few young people
recognise that it is possible to drink enough alcohol in one session to cause death. 12
•
Drinking alcohol with super caffeinated energy drinks is extremely dangerous. Studies show that students
who mix energy drinks with alcohol got drunk twice as often as those who consumed alcohol by itself. 13
8
Wellington College
Keeping them safe: Understanding alcohol, drugs and adolescents
•
The frequency of alcohol use in adolescence is the greatest risk factor for alcohol dependence. 14
•
Even short term or moderate drinking impairs learning and memory far more in youths than in adults. 15
•
31% of adolescents who reported being drunk last year were believed to be non-drinkers by their parents. 16
Binge Drinking
Binge drinking is defined by research as drinking five or more drinks consecutively for men and four drinks for women.
It is commonly understood by most people as consuming too much alcohol in too little time or drinking to get drunk. 18
Addiction
Addiction is the continuing, compulsive use of a substance despite negative consequences to the user. Research
shows teenage drinking is predictive of problematic alcohol use in later life, and that adolescents who are introduced
to alcohol at 15 years of age or earlier are more likely to progress to more regular alcohol use, or develop problems
with alcohol use by 18 years of age 17.
ALCOHOL ISSUES
Alcopops
Ready to drink (RTDs), pre-mixed spirits, or alcopops are the fastest-growing alcohol products in New Zealand. They
are popular among young people because the taste of alcohol is masked with sweet mixers, fruit juice and milk. In
packaging and taste alcopops resemble soft drinks; they make alcohol palatable to adolescents and enable them to
consume a larger amount than do traditional products.
73% of teenage males who drink at risky or high-risk levels prefer RTDs to other drinks while 77% of their female peers
like RTDs and straight spirits equally. 18
RTDs can contain anywhere between 1 to 3 standard drinks. Super-strength RTDs seem designed for people who want
to get drunk as quickly as possible and they pose a risk of intoxication to people who confuse them for products of
lesser strength.19
Caffeinated Energy Drinks
Health researchers have identified a surprising new predictor for risky behaviour among teenagers and young adults −
the super-caffeinated energy drink. Reports suggest that high consumption of energy drinks is associated with “toxic
jock” behaviour, a constellation of risky and aggressive behaviour including unprotected sex, substance abuse and
violence. Regular consumption of energy drinks may be an indicator for parents that their sons are more likely to take
risks with their health and safety.
Another risk is the popularity of mixing energy drinks with alcohol. The stimulant effect of energy drinks can allow a
person to feel less intoxicated than they actually are. Motor co-ordination and visual reaction times are just as
impaired as when they drink alcohol by itself. 20 People who mix energy drinks and alcohol were more likely to be
victims or perpetrators of aggressive sexual behaviour and are far more likely to be injured or require medical
treatment while drinking. Super caffeinated drinks should never be consumed combined with alcohol or after
strenuous exercise.21
Drinking games and home brews
A teenager drank himself to death after consuming 4 times the amount of alcohol required to cause alcohol poisoning.
He died on his neighbour’s front lawn after drinking 88 nips and a bottle of vodka as part of a drinking game.22
A 15-year-old boy passed out while drinking some home brew ouzo at a party. He was rushed to hospital where he
later died. 23
Drinking games in which large amounts of alcohol are rapidly consumed can be deadly.
Unlike adults, adolescents brains haven’t yet developed the internal “cut-off” switch that makes them go to sleep or
pass out from drinking too much alcohol. They can easily consume dangerous amounts of alcohol before they realise
the harm. It is important to note that the lethal dose of alcohol is just a tiny bit more than the passing-out dose.
Parents’ and Caregivers Guide for Developing Responsible Teenagers
9
BRAIN FACTS
Alcohol consumption in adolescence can PERMANENTLY damage the wiring of the brain. The
area of the brain forming “new” memories is particularly affected. 25
•
The brain goes through dynamic change during adolescence (ages 12 to 21) and alcohol can seriously
damage long and short term growth processes.
•
Adolescents who drink regularly show reduced brain response and score lower than non-drinkers on
vocabulary, general knowledge, memory retrieval tests and social skills. Verbal and non-verbal
information recall is most heavily affected with a 10% performance decrease in alcohol users. 27
•
The negative effect of alcohol can last up to two weeks longer in an adolescent brain than in an adult
brain. 28
•
Teenagers who have been drinking more and for longer have a 10% smaller hippocampus, the part of the
brain associated with memory and learning. 29
•
Damage from alcohol to the teenage brain can be long-term and irreversible.
Adolescents are more likely to get into trouble with alcohol and drugs when:
10
30
•
Parents don’t make and enforce clear rules of no alcohol use.
•
They are given too much freedom and parents do not know where their son are and with whom they are
socialising.
•
There are no appropriate consequences if they are caught drinking.
•
Their family relationships are constantly conflicted and troubled.
•
Their communication with parents is poor and they believe no one really listens to them. Hence they feel
like an outsider and they are drawn to negative peer groups.
•
Alcohol and drug use increases in frequency and becomes the major recreational activity.
•
They feel depressed or unable to cope with anger, fear, loss or stress.
•
Parents don’t explain the harms of alcohol.
Wellington College
STRATEGIES TO PREVENT ADOLESCENT USE OF DRUGS AND ALCOHOL
We need to rethink our whole approach to the prevention of adolescent alcohol abuse. The
brain areas that encourage impulsivity and risk-taking develop early in adolescence. However,
the areas that improve self-control don’t develop until the early 20s. Adolescents can have
limited ability to control themselves and so need parental help to stay alcohol free. 31
Efforts to prevent adolescent substance abuse should begin early in a son’s life with good family communication, drug
education and encouragement to take responsibility to manage their own health and well-being. Having good selfesteem, supportive family relationships and positive role models, and learning communication and problem-solving
skills, all help adolescents to make good choices.
•
Parents should make clear to their son in early adolescence the reasons why they do not want him to use
alcohol. They may need to explain how alcohol adversely affects the healthy development of the brain
and can cause social and personal problems.
•
Parents should encourage their son to delay the age he begins using alcohol. If the adolescent is already
using alcohol, parents should set rules that encourage less frequent use and discuss with them ways to
manage their alcohol intake at parties and social gatherings.
•
Parents should be fair and consistent when setting rules about alcohol and drug use. Reasonable
consequences need to be set for unacceptable behaviour, and carried out consistently. Involve your
adolescent in setting these consequences. Families who encourage realistic demands promote good
mental health.
•
When parents are openly permissive towards adolescent alcohol use they tend to drink more. When
parents show disapproval, then adolescents are less likely to drink. 33
•
Parents themselves should model appropriate alcohol use. However, it is not hypocritical for parents to
argue that their adolescent should adopt different health behaviours from themselves as the adolescent
brain is still developing. 34
•
Harsh and/or inconsistent discipline and high conflict in families is also shared with high rates of alcohol
use. 35.
•
Parents can build a positive relationship with their adolescent by listening to their son, and actively
telling him that they love and respect them. (Refer Chapter 1).
•
Consulting other parents to see how they handle the issue of alcohol can be useful. 36.
•
Communicating with your adolescent is vital. Talk with your son about goals, conflicts, friends, and other
issues he or she may have. It is important to keep communications open, as well as to ask open ended
questions. This will give more opportunity for discussion and for your adolescent to think about issues.
Let your son do most of the talking and show you are listening by making eye contact. (Refer Chapter 1).
•
Adolescents need to keep busy and engaged emotionally with meaningful activities, such as sports,
drama, music or other group involvement or community programmes. Adolescents who feel good about
themselves are less likely to use alcohol and drugs or get depressed.
•
Parents should remember also to care for themselves, by sharing worries with a spouse, partner, trusted
friend or family member. 37
Parents’ and Caregivers Guide for Developing Responsible Teenagers
11
HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR ADOLESCENT WHEN THEY HAVE
BEEN INVOLVED WITH DRUGS AND ALCOHOL
38
At the time:
•
Do stay calm.
•
Do try to find out what your son has taken, how much and in what circumstances.
•
Do contact a doctor, go to a hospital or call an ambulance if your son is incoherent and/or seriously ill, or
if you are at all concerned.
•
Do tell your son you will talk about it the next day.
•
Don’t shout or use physical force.
•
Don’t excuse their behaviour and activities.
The next day:
•
Do talk to your son as soon as possible. However, if you are too upset, leave it until you and your son are
calm.
•
Give yourself time to think about what to say.
The WINK model for conflict resolution
can be used here as a communication tool.
Wait, allow think time before reacting.
I message, express how YOU are feeling.
Negotiate, listen and discuss the situation.
Keep calm.
12
Wellington College
39
Chapter 3:
WHEN ADOLESCENTS NEED HELP: DEPRESSION
Depression has become so common that one in five young people will suffer some form of the illness during their
adolescence, and approximately 3% of them experience severe depression. 1
As it can be difficult to distinguish adolescent turmoil from depressive illness, 2 we felt the need to include this chapter
on depression in this booklet.
We hope the following information will help you make that distinction.
Depression is not a fleeting sadness, but a pervasive and relentless sense of
despair.
DEFINITION
•
It is important to realise that there is a difference between normal unhappiness and sadness in everyday
life, and depression.
•
When the down mood, along with other symptoms, lasts for two weeks or more, the condition may be
depression. 3
•
It is an illness, just like diabetes and asthma, not a character flaw. 4.
•
It is common and treatable. 5.
•
Depression is a serious health problem that affects the total person. In addition to feelings, it can change
behaviour, physical health and appearance, academic performance and the ability to handle everyday
decisions and pressures. 6.
•
It is the leading cause of suicide. 7. If suicide appears imminent, do not waste time feeling angry, guilty, or
upset.
ACT - CALL Emergency 111 or Te Haika Team (crisis line) 0800 745 477
CAUSES
•
There is not usually one single cause of depression. It is usually a combination of things. It can be due to
chemical imbalance, and/or environmental factors. 8
•
It can be due to stress at home or school.
•
It can just come out of the blue with no known cause.
•
Sometimes family history can be a major factor.
•
A lot of depressed adolescents also have problems with alcohol or other drugs. 9 Sometimes the
depression comes first, other times the depression is caused by the effects of alcohol or drugs.
•
Depression can be a sign of a medical illness such as low thyroid, diabetes, etc. or can be caused by the
side effects of medications. A doctor will want to check out whether there are any medical problems or
pills that could be causing the depression. 10.
Parents’ and Caregivers Guide for Developing Responsible Teenagers
13
Many factors that cause stress in a young person’s life can lead to depression, such as: 11
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Coping with school demands and homework.
Changing schools.
Moving from primary school to secondary school.
Being bullied.
Negative self-image.
Changes in their bodies.
Problems with friends.
Problems with girlfriend/boyfriend.
Issues with the family.
Separation or divorce of parents.
Death of a loved one.
They themselves have a serious illness.
Moving house.
Issues surrounding sexuality.
HOW TO RECOGNISE DEPRESSION IN YOUR ADOLESCENT:
According to Professor Ian Hicks the clinical advisor to Beyondblue the signs and symptoms of depression are a
combination of what people can see, plus what the person is feeling internally.12
Not every student who is depressed has all of these symptoms.
Adolescents who are more severely depressed will have more symptoms than those who are mildly depressed.
If you are worried and find yourself going through this list, some good resources for extra support can be found on a
number of good NZ based websites. These include:
-
www.thelowdown.co.nz
www.depression.org.nz
www.mentalhealth.org.nz
www.skylight.co.nz
Below is a list of the signs and symptoms of depression in adolescence:
If someone experiences five or more of these symptoms for two weeks or more or if the symptoms are severe enough
to interfere with their daily routine, seek professional help as outlined in this booklet. 14
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
14
They have a lowering of mood with increased sadness most of the time, or they cry for no apparent
reason, or they become angry, anxious or irritable and little things annoy them.
They withdraw from family and friends.
They don’t participate in their usual activities or they don’t enjoy them anymore.
They lose their appetite resulting in weight loss, or eat too much resulting in weight gain.
They lose confidence in themselves and have poor self-esteem.
They fail exams or miss/skip classes.
They use drugs and alcohol for the first time or recklessly.
They experience sleep disturbances - they have trouble falling asleep, staying asleep or getting up.
They exhibit marked tiredness and lack of energy after even minimum effort.
They manifest physical problems, e.g., headaches, chest pains or stomach aches that don’t seem to have
a cause.
They exhibit poor memory and difficulty in concentration or in decision making.
They experience feelings of worthlessness or guilt when they are not at fault.
They have a sense of hopelessness and no future.
They think about death or harming themselves.
Wellington College
HOW YOU CAN HELP SOMEONE WITH DEPRESSION
15
•
Look - for and recognise the signs and symptoms of depression.
•
Listen - to your adolescent. Encourage him to talk about his problems, feelings and thoughts, no matter
how scary they are.
•
ACT - THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS TO DO SOMETHING. 16
Seek professional help from:
•
A school-based counsellor/psychologist.
•
Your family doctor.
•
A psychologist/psychiatrist.
•
A minister of religion.
Getting help for your adolescent:
•
Assisting your adolescent to get to care and accompanying him afterwards is critical.
•
Go along with them and make sure they get good advice.
•
Help them put into action whatever recommendations are made. 17.
•
If you are not happy with your health professional, please find one both you and/or your adolescent feel
comfortable with.
•
It is also useful to involve the College to assist you with managing a depressive situation. Often families
keep depressive illness from the School. This can be counterproductive.
Sometimes your adolescent may not want to seek help. In this case, it’s best to explain you are concerned and
perhaps provide your son with as much information as you can on depression, starting with some of the resources
listed on the next page.
Depression saps energy, motivation and self-esteem and therefore can get in the
way of a person’s ability or wish to help themselves.
18
Parents’ and Caregivers Guide for Developing Responsible Teenagers
15
TIPS TO HELP PROMOTE EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING IN ADOLESCENTS:
16
19
•
Communication is the foundation of the relationship between students and parents. Please read Chapter
1 in this booklet.
•
Be fair and consistent. Families who encourage realistic demands promote good mental health.
•
The WINK model of conflict resolution (refer to Chapter 2) should be taught to all students to lessen
stress associated with conflict. Adolescents learn that conflict can have a positive outcome.
•
Encourage young people to feel confident about taking responsibility to manage their health and wellbeing. This includes help to establish good habits for sleep, diet, exercise, stress management, social
contribution and avoiding substance misuse.
•
Keep their life balanced with adequate daily rest. Aim for seven to eight hours. Adolescents who are
sleep deprived are more prone to feelings of sadness and hopelessness. In short, they feel awful. 20
•
Encourage them to take time for some simple, natural pleasures, daily. Fun social activities, sports and
taking a little time for themselves can keep a busy life balanced and are healing to the mind.
•
Encourage them to be active in the sunlight daily. Both sunlight and exercise release endorphins, which
are the body’s natural “feel good” chemicals.
•
Persuade your son to stay away from alcohol and drugs. They can cause real havoc in a student’s life.
•
Encourage outside interests. Adolescents who learn to have fun and cope with stress in a healthy way
through sports, drama or other group involvement or community programmes, will be less likely to turn
to alcohol and drugs or get depressed. Contributing to family and society brings fulfilment and purpose
and increases well-being.
•
Get help for depression – hear how John Kirwan and others have got through their depression.
www.depression.org.nz 21 (See Interactive – website)
•
Book – ‘All Blacks Don’t Cry’ – John Kirwan.
Wellington College
Chapter 4:
PARTIES AND AFTER-SCHOOL TIME
After-school time
After school hours are an important time for adolescents. It is also a time when it can be difficult for parents to find
care for their adolescent, especially when both parents are working.
The time between 3.30 and 6.00 pm is the peak time when unsupervised adolescents are at greater risk of
participating in antisocial behaviour such as alcohol and drug use and juvenile crime. It is also a time when they can
misuse chat rooms and the internet.
It is important to know where your son is afterschool and have negotiated both appropriate
internet usage and after-school activities.
Some common sense ideas to monitor the whereabouts of your son after school
•
Know what activities your son is involved in after school.
•
Check your son has arrived home safely by using the home phone to establish that he is in fact at home.
•
Make an agreement in advance as to what the expectations are for after school arrangements.
•
Encourage chores such as cleaning up, preparing dinner, taking clothes off the line etc. and do not forget
to acknowledge this assistance as it provides meaningful contributions to family life.
•
Encourage your adolescent to find part-time work.
•
Discourage unsupervised gatherings at your house after school.
The Internet
Afterschool is also a favourite time to access the Internet. While being in cyberspace can provide legitimate fun,
entertainment and knowledge, it can sometimes be risky. There are a number of resources available to support
parents in protecting their sons. Netsafe is one such organisation, supported by the NZ Government. Netsafe is an
independent, non-profit organisation that promotes confident, safe and responsible use of the internet.
Contact: www.netsafe.org.nz 1 or 0508 NETSAFE (0508 638 723).
Parties and social activities 2
While some young people are very social at an earlier age, others may only engage in social gatherings or the party
scene much later in their schooling. Managing and being comfortable about a teenager’s peer interaction is important
to both parents and their sons.
For some families, adolescent parties cause concern and controversy. There are considerable differences between
families regarding what is thought to be appropriate at different stages of the student’s development. These
differences, together with the different expectations of adolescents and parents, can create problems when managing
parties.
Parents’ and Caregivers Guide for Developing Responsible Teenagers
17
PARTY GUIDELINES: GIVING A PARTY
Hosting a party
Careful planning is essential for a successful party. Some of these suggestions may seem extreme, but we have
attempted to cover most eventualities in order to help you avoid some of the problems other parents may have
experienced. Be aware that the larger the party, the greater the risk of problems.
No one wants to stop their adolescent from having a good time, but a little planning may prevent the memories of the
celebration becoming a nightmare. Awareness of potential problems can help ensure an enjoyable and successful
party.
Most importantly, parents should discuss all these ideas with their adolescent and listen carefully in turn to his ideas
and opinions.
These are guidelines only. Parents need to sort out what works for their family and to modify ideas as their adolescent
matures.
Invitations
•
•
•
•
•
•
Do not issue verbal or group invitations to parties.
Individualise and number the invitations. Avoid ones that can be photocopied, faxed, emailed or put on
the Internet.
Give specific start and finish times appropriate to the relevant age group.
Note if alcohol will be available or not, and if it is, whether it is to be BYO or supplied.
RSVPs are essential for compiling a list of those expected to attend.
Entry to the party should be strictly by presentation of the numbered invitation and the individual’s
name being on the RSVP list. Providing wrist bands with the invitation is a good way to monitor the
invitation list.
Security
•
•
•
•
If the party is to be large, enlist the help of other parents with security, the bar and food preparation.
Consider employing professional security guards, especially for larger parties.
Compile a checklist of names of students expected to attend and insist each name is checked against the
guest list before an individual is allowed to enter the party. It may be useful to check the name against
some form of ID such as a driver licence.
Parents/security guards should be at the entrance to check invitations before allowing entry.
Regardless of invitation, be firm when preventing access to the party to students who are already
inebriated or who are behaving badly.
It is recommended all bags and coats are held in a secure room (under adult supervision) to avoid theft.
It is advisable not to allow students who have left your party to return.
Restrict access to areas of the venue, particularly in a private home.
Consider the removal of all valuable items from the area where the party is to be held, to avoid problems
of breakage and theft.
Out of courtesy, notify your neighbours.
•
•
•
•
•
Consider the suitability of the venue for the number attending, e.g. toilet facilities.
Have only one entry/exit point.
Is it possible to secure the area? Can you stop people jumping over the fences?
Is there a secure room where bags/coats can be kept?
Set aside an appropriate area for smoking.
•
•
•
•
•
•
Venue
18
Wellington College
Behaviour
•
•
•
•
Consider the standards of behaviour you expect and stand firm about these expectations. More parents
and young people are keen to support you than you might expect.
Consider how to deal with a situation where a student is behaving badly.
If an uncontrollable situation develops don’t hesitate to call police.
If a student is unwell, drunk, vomiting, etc. contact parents. If parents are unavailable, have a
contingency plan in place, e.g. ring for an ambulance or medical assistance.
Alcohol
•
•
•
Consider the age of the guests, the size of the group and knowledge of your adolescent’s friends when
deciding whether or not to allow alcohol at the party.
If BYO, place a strict limit on quantity and type brought by each student, and be aware this is extremely
difficult to control.
Supply plenty of soft drinks, food and water.
Legal considerations
•
•
•
Parents have a clear duty of care to adolescents (both their own sons and those of other parents) under
their supervision.
It is wise to check the public liability component of your home insurance policy before agreeing to hold a
party.
Adults should be aware of the ramifications of allowing inebriated adolescents to leave their premises
without the supervision of a responsible adult.
PARTY GUIDELINES: PARENTS OF A PARTYGOER
•
•
Discuss with your adolescent how they can manage party pressures and potential problems.
Always insist on as much detail as possible about the party. For example:
 Where is the party going to be held?
 Will there be adults in attendance and how many?
 What time will it end?
 What security measures are in place?
•
Discuss alcohol drinking and your expectations with your teenager, calmly and well before the day of the
party.
•
Agree on pick up only from the party venue.
•
Tell your adolescent it is completely all right if he wants to be collected earlier than expected. Pick a code
phrase, such as “I feel really sick” or “I have a toothache”, which your adolescent can use as a cue for you to
come and pick them up any time, no questions asked.
•
Know where your son is. Let them know where you can be reached at all times and that they may telephone
you for a ride home whenever they need to and for any reason.
•
Be at home while your adolescents are getting ready to go out and be awake when they get home. It will be
easier for you to determine whether they have been smoking, drinking or using other drugs.
•
If your adolescent appears to be under the influence of drugs or alcohol when they arrive home, use the
“How to communicate with your adolescent when they have been involved with drugs and alcohol” (guide in
Chapter 2).
Parents’ and Caregivers Guide for Developing Responsible Teenagers
19
PARENTAL/ADOLESCENT ALCOHOL AGREEMENTS – POINTS TO
CONSIDER
Encourage a “harm minimisation” approach to managing your adolescent’s alcohol intake at parties and gatherings.
Some guidelines for young people to follow:
• Eat first. Consider eating at home before going out and drinking OR eat while drinking. If you have a full
stomach, alcohol will be absorbed more slowly.
20
•
Start with a soft drink or water. You will drink much faster if you are thirsty, so have a non-alcoholic drink to
quench your thirst before you start to drink alcohol.
•
Use Standard Drink Guide (see below). Monitor how much alcohol you drink. By converting what you drink
into standard drinks it is easier to keep track.
•
Drink alcohol slowly. Take sips not gulps.
•
Avoid salty snacks. Salty food like chips or nuts make you thirsty so you will drink more.
•
Drink at you own pace, not someone else’s. One drink at a time. Don’t let people top up your drink. This can
also lead to your drink being “spiked”.
•
Pace yourself. Alternate your drinking with a non-alcoholic drink.
•
Stay busy. If you have something to do you tend to drink less. Play pool or dance; don’t just sit and drink.
•
Try a low-alcohol alternative such as light beer or a cocktail.
•
Be assertive. Don’t be pressured into drinking more than you want or intend to. Tell your friends “Thanks but
no thanks”.
Wellington College
Chapter 5:
DRUGS, ALCOHOL, TOBACCO AND THEIR USE
RESPONSIBLE USE OF LEGAL DRUGS
Drugs pervade society on a daily basis. Not all drugs are illegal. In fact many adults and adolescents are prescribed
drugs by qualified practitioners to combat illness or disease. Most harm occurs in society due to the abuse of legal
substances such as alcohol, cigarettes, painkillers, sleeping tablets and other prescription drugs.
Legal – non-prescribed drugs:
Although non-prescribed drugs are sold over the counter, these drugs are still not without risk. While these are widely
available, adolescents seeking a rush may consume painkillers, which may have addictive qualities and be harmful
with increased use. Also many over-the-counter medications are used in the manufacture of illicit drugs.
Legal – prescribed drugs:
Caution should always be exercised when taking any medication.
• Medication should only be used by the person for whom it was prescribed.
• Medication should only be taken for the purpose for which it was intended.
• The dosage should be strictly adhered to; over medicating could have serious if not fatal implications - more
is not better.
Tobacco:
It is illegal for any school-age son up to 18 years old to buy tobacco. Smoking tobacco can lead to cancer and
premature death. Nicotine is a highly addictive drug contained in all tobacco products. Nicotine affects the chemistry
of the brain regulating thinking and feelings. Early use of tobacco may predispose adolescents to depression, which
could lead to other drug use.
Alcohol:
Alcohol is a drug that slows down the brain and nervous system. It is the most widely used drug in New Zealand.
Drinking a small amount is not harmful for most people, but regular drinking of a lot of alcohol can cause health,
personal and social problems.
The use of a ‘standard drinks guide’ helps to monitor the amount of alcohol consumed. The label on a can or bottle
shows the number of standard drinks it contains. One drink is not always one standard drink. Any drink containing 10g
of alcohol is a standard drink.
See www.alac.org.nz
While these are guidelines, it is important to note the effect of alcohol varies greatly from person to person. Some
adolescents can manage much less than others.
Alcohol, drugs and sex:
Alcohol and other illicit drug-taking greatly affect the ability to behave or think rationally.
One in four adolescents report they were either drunk or high during their most recent sexual encounter.
Most adolescents do not practice safe sex.
Illegal drugs:
Unlike legally commercially available drugs, there is no quality control of illegal drugs. These products are not made by
pharmaceutical companies who have the best interests of their clients as their focus. Illicit drugs are made by
Parents’ and Caregivers Guide for Developing Responsible Teenagers
21
unknown people, in backyard chemical factories who are solely motivated by personal greed and quick profit. Their
ingredients are illegally obtained and the contents of their potions are unknown. They pose an unacceptable risk.
Your adolescent’s sources of drug information may not always be accurate, or have their best interests at heart. But
you do. That’s why it is important for you to know about the drugs your son may be exposed to and for you to
communicate the consequences associated with them.
COMMON ILLEGAL DRUGS AND THEIR ATTRIBUTES3
TYPES OF DRUG
DRUG
STREET NAME
WHAT IT LOOKS
LIKE
HOW IT IS USED
SOLD AND/OR
IDENTIFIED BY
Psycho-stimulant
or Stimulant
Amphetamines
Stimulant
The central
nervous system
speed up the
messages going
to and from the
brain to the body.
Amphetamines
Crystal
Methamphetamine
(Speed)
Crystal Meth, Ice,
Glass, Shabu, Fast
Louee, Goey Whiz,
Speed Up, Uppers,
Pep pills, Tina
Swallowed
Injected
Smoked
Snorted (crushed)
Inserted anally
(shafted/shelving)
Sold in aluminum
foil (foils), plastic
or balloons.
Many have
commercial or
trade mark shells.
They have a
strong smell.
Bitter taste.
MDMA
(methylenedloxym
ethamphetamine
Ecstasy
E, XTC, Eccy, Love
drug, Party drug
Crystal sheets or
powder in various
colours from white
to brown and
sometimes
brighter colours
Capsules of
reddish/brown
liquid
Small tablets in
various colours,
many have
commercial or
trade name shells
Small white or
yellow to brown
tablets varying in
shape, size and
designs
MDMA
(methylenedloxym
ethamphetamine
Ecstasy
Cocaine
Coke, Nose candy,
Snow, Dust, C,
White, White
lady,Toot, Crack,
Rock, FreebaseFlake, Blow
Cat, qat, chat,
qaadka, miraa,
tohal, tschat,
African tea, African
salad
Aerosol cans
White odourless
powder
Swallowed
Foul Taste
Inserted anally
(shafted/shelving)
Injected
Snorted (crushed)
Cocaine
Acid
Trips
Tabs
Dots
Tiles
White powder
Liquid
Tablets/capsules
Gelatine squares
Blotting paper
Golden Top
Mushrooms
Magic mushies,
Golden Tops
Vegetable/natural
form
Mescaline
Bongs, Blunts,
Joints
Cactus plant
PCP
(phencyclidine)
Angel dust, Ozone,
wack, Rocket fuel,
Killer Joints (when
White crystalline
powder mixed with
coloured dyes
Khat
Inhalants
Hallucinogens
Psychedelic
drugs
Affect perception
and can distort
things heard or
seen.
One’s thinking,
sense of time and
emotions are also
altered.
22
Wellington College
Glue, gas, sniff,
huff, chroming,
poppers
LSD (Lysergic acid
diethylamide)
Khat
Inhalants
Glue, gas, sniff,
huff, chroming,
poppers
Swallowed
Injected
Smoked
Sniffed
Eaten, raw or
cooked
Brewed as tea
Smoked
Cigars, cigarettes
Brewed as a tea
Water pipes
Snorted
Bitter Chemical
taste
Coke, Nose candy,
Snow, Dust, C,
White, White
lady,Toot, Crack,
Rock, FreebaseFlake, Blow
Cat, qat, chat,
qaadka, miraa,
tohal, tschat,
African tea,
African salad
Aerosol cans
Odourless in pure
form. Sold as
small squares of
patterned paper
or micro dots
(tablets)
Resemble toad
stools
Mescaline
PCP
(phencyclidine)
mixed with
cannabis)
TYPES OF DRUG
Depressant
Affects the
central nervous
system.
Tablets
Capsules
Smoked
Can also be diluted
Ingested
in drinks
WHAT IT LOOKS
LIKE
HOW IT IS USED
Dried
greyish/green to
greenish/brown
leaves
Fine or coarsely
chopped
Smoked
(cigarettes or
bongs)
Eaten/digested
Hashish
Blocks of brown or
black cannabis
resin
Hashish Oil
Oil – golden brown
to black
Smoked
bongs
Eaten in foods such
as cakes or biscuits
Smoked
DRUG
Cannabis
(marijuana)
Weed, grass, joint,
reefer, herb, leaf,
Mary Jane, hooch,
bong, pipe
Alters mood,
thinking and
behaviour.
Slows messages
going to and from
the brain to the
body.
STREET NAME
SOLD AND/OR
IDENTIFIED BY
Depressant
Affects the central
nervous system.
Alters mood,
thinking and
behaviour.
Alcohol
Booze, Juice,
Drink/s
Liquid
Swallowed
Heroin (opiate)
morphine
codeine
methadone
pethidine
Smak, Skag, Dope,
H, Junk, Stuff,
Hammer, Slow,
Horse, Gear, Harry,
Brown Sugar
White to off white
Granules or pieces
of rock
Fine, white
powder-like talcum
or baking powder
Injected
Smoked (chasing
the dragon)
Inhaled (snorted)
GHB
(Gammahydroxybutrate)
- date-rape drug
Fantasy
Grievous bodily
harm
Liquid E
Liquid Ecstasy
Colourless,
Odourless
Bitter or Salty
liquid
Crystal powder
Swallowed
Injected
Cigarettes
Pipes
Bongs
Spread on
cigarettes
paper or tips
Cans, bottles,
mixes, spirits
Bitter taste
Odourless
Packaged in
aluminium foil
– oils or
small balloons
Can be easily
coloured.
Sold in vials
or small bottles
Used to spike
drinks
Parents’ and Caregivers Guide for Developing Responsible Teenagers
23
Chapter 6:
LEGAL FACTS
Tobacco smoking:
In New Zealand, alcohol and tobacco smoking is legal but regulated; you have to be 18 years of age or over to
purchase either tobacco or alcohol, and there are rules about where and when you can drink alcohol or smoke.
It is illegal to smoke inside any clubs, bars, restaurants, theatres, or on public transport.
Smoking is permitted in some places outdoors.
Smoking is becoming increasingly unpopular with New Zealanders and many people find it offensive. If you smoke in
public areas, try and smoke in areas where your cigarette smoke will not bother other people.
Alcohol:
It is illegal to drink alcohol and drive.
In some cities it is illegal to drink alcohol in public places, such as in the streets or parks, and many cities and towns
enforce alcohol bans over the New Year period when a lot of people go out to celebrate.
Alcohol is sold in liquor stores and licensed beer and wine stores. Most supermarkets and some convenience stores
also sell beer and wine.
It is illegal to buy alcohol if your under 18 years of age and it is also illegal to supply alcohol to anyone who is under 18.
Although alcohol is widely consumed at social events in New Zealand, it is just as acceptable and quite normal not to
drink alcohol at all.
For more information about alcohol use in New Zealand, go to the Alcohol Advisory Council website at
www.alcohol.org.nz. 1
18 Plus Card:
The minimum legal drinking age in New Zealand is 18 years. If young people wish to purchase alcohol or access
licensed premises they need to provide photographic proof of age.
The acceptable forms of ID are a New Zealand or overseas passport, a photographic New Zealand driver licence or a
HANZ 18+ card.
You can get an application form for an 18+ card from www. hanz.org.nz 2 or pick one up at a New Zealand Post Shop.
The card will cost you NZ$20. You will need to fill out a statutory declaration and provide certain documents to prove
you are over 18 years of age and that you are who you say you are.
Drugs:
Illegal drugs include such things as marijuana, “magic mushrooms”, LSD ecstasy, methamphetamines, cocaine and
heroin.
Possession of any of these drugs is against the law and carries a penalty that may include imprisonment.
Ecstasy or “e” comes as a capsule with brownish powder inside or as a pill, usually imprinted with a symbol like a heart
or happy face. You should refuse these drugs if they are offered to you. There are considerable risks in consuming
them and they are illegal.
For more information about drugs, go to the New Zealand Drug Foundation website at www.nzdf.org.nz 3
Alcohol and drug help lines:
24
Wellington College
There are a number of places to go to for assistance if you or someone you know needs help or advice with regard to
issues relating to alcohol or drugs.
Contact Alcohol Drug Helpline 0800 787 797 (10am to 10pm, 7 days a week) or go to their website at
www.alcoholdrughelp. org.nz 4
Another source of help or information is your local Citizens Advice Bureau (CAB). The Citizens Advice Bureau will refer
you to a service that can assist you for matters relating to drugs or alcohol.
Your local CAB office is in the phone book or you can call them on their free phone number 0800 367 222. You can
also visit the CAB website at www.cab.org.nz.5
Some Citizens Advice Bureaus have interpreters to help non- English speakers.
Further reading:
Australian Drug Foundation (ADF) - Position Papers- ADF Position on Teenagers and Alcohol, 2003.
Michael Carr - Gregg and Erin Shale (2002) Adolescence: a guide for parents, Finch Publishing Pty Ltd, NSW, 2002.
Georgetown Preparatory School, A Parents’ Guide for the Prevention of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Other Drug Use,
Washington DC, USA, 1999.
John Kirwan, All Blacks Don’t Cry
Louise Hayes, Diana Smart, John Winston Toumbourou and Ann Sanson, Parenting Influences on Adolescent Alcohol
Use, Australian Institute of Family Studies, Research Report No 10, November 2004.
Nigel Latta, Mothers Raising Sons
Constance Jenkin and John Winston Toumbourou Preparing adolescents for success in school and life. Published C
Jenkin and J Toumbourou, La Trobe University, 2005.
Jan Rodwell, Repartnered Families
Evelyn Petersen, 14 Tips on Teens, Parent Talk Newsletter, 1995.
Simone Silberberg, Searching for Family Resilience, in Family Matters Journal, No 58, Autumn, 2001.
John Winston Toumbourou and Elizabeth Green, Working with families to promote healthy adolescent development,
in Family Matters Journal No 59, Winter, 2001.
The key to establishing the ideal environment for raising an adolescent is connectedness. This is
a feeling of ‘belonging’, of feeling needed, of being an important and loved member of the
family.
Michael Carr-Gregg, ‘Adolescence: a guide for parents’
Parents’ and Caregivers Guide for Developing Responsible Teenagers
25
Chapter 7
DEVELOPING RESPONSIBILITY IN
ADOLESCENTS
A Summary by the Wellington College Guidance Counsellor Dr Stuart Slater.
William Glasser worked with troubled teens in the 1960’s, and developed what came to be called “Reality Therapy”. It
may be possible to read Glasser more fully through your local library, but what is presented here is a summary of his
theory. What is suggested is that you develop your own system of behavioural expectations, and consequences for
failure to meet them, but that you base your plan on Glasser’s ideas.
Please get in touch with the Guidance Counsellor if you would like help doing this.
REALITY THERAPY: A Summary
The first important step in correcting behaviour is to find out what you are trying to correct. What this means for
parents is being as specific as possible about what behaviour we want, e.g. “Fred, you are shouting at me. What I want
in here is calm respectful talk”.
If we want to face reality, we must admit that we cannot rewrite a person’s history. There is nothing that past
information can do for our sons/students/selves except reinforce that there may be reasons why someone acts the
way they do BUT THIS DOES NOT EXCUSE TRANSGRESSIONS ON THE GROUNDS EG. THAT THE PERSON IS “SICK”.
No matter what has happened to your son in the past, he still has the responsibility for what he does now.
Until a person can accept the fact that he is responsible for what he does, he is not going to be helped by this method.
Making teenagers responsible for their behaviour is our goal. Unhappiness is the result and not the cause of
irresponsibility.
The single basic need that all people in all cultures possess from birth to death is the need for an identity – the belief
that we are somebody as distinct from others. Identity is formed through the feelings of love and self-worth. To feel a
success in the world your son must feel that at least one other person loves him, and that he also loves another
person. He must feel that at least one person “out there” feels that he is a worthwhile human being, and he, himself
must also feel it.
There are eight principles to Reality Therapy. These principles guide our interactions with our sons.
26
1.
The relationship must be personal. Use your son’s name. Try to connect, to be involved.
2.
Focus on behaviour, not emotions. Only behaviour can be changed. We feel the way we do because of the
way we act.
3.
Focus on the present. What is the person doing now? What are his present attempts to succeed?
4.
Help your son make a value judgment about what he is now doing that contributes to failure. Adolescents
need help with morality; to be able to see that some acts are right, some are wrong. That there is good, and
bad.
5.
Develop a plan: change doesn’t just happen because (e.g.) “we are sorry”. To alter behaviour and plot a
better course needs planning. Do this with your son.
6.
Commitment is needed. From commitment comes maturity. Your son must choose a better way and commit
himself to it.
7.
There are no excuses for not following through. If a plan fails, make a new one. Don’t spend time raving on to
your son, or trying to work out what went wrong. But also don’t accept any excuses. Just move on.
Wellington College
8.
N.B
No punishment – there are consequences for failure as there are for rule breaking. There is a need for
discipline in the home as well as the school, but wherever possible try to think of a natural consequences for
the rule breaking, or a consequence that at least relates to it e.g. late home, time is owed; deliberate
breakage, replacement; homework not done, homework done that day before going home. Close cooperation is needed between home and school when planning for behavioural change. Guidance Staff and
Teachers are able to discuss particular cases with parents.
Consequences need to be worked out beforehand, and clearly understood by teens and teachers/parents.
This means that if e.g. A rule is broken and a consequence follows, it is the teenager that brought the
situation about. He is responsible. It’s not because “adults are mean”, “teachers pick on me “ etc.
Through accepting responsibility for one’s own behaviour, and acting maturely to change their behaviour, individuals
find that are no longer lonely, symptoms begin to resolve and they are more likely to gain maturity, love and the
feeling of being a success.
Parents’ and Caregivers Guide for Developing Responsible Teenagers
27
Chapter 8
SEEKING HELP
A starting point for the parents and caregivers of Wellington College students could be a phone call to the College’s
Guidance Counsellor on (DDI) 802 2548.
Other helping services in Wellington include:
•
Your GP
•
Son and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS) ph. 918 2267
•
A and D helpline ph0800 787 799
•
Private Counsellors: see Addiction Services and Counselling Services in the Yellow Pages. We recommend
counsellors who belong to a Professional Organisation and state (e.g.) MNZAC
•
Depression helpline ph0800 111 757
•
Parent Help ph499 9994
•
Evolve Wellington Youth Services ph 801 9150
•
Well Trust (A & D) ph568 0370
•
No Bully ph0800 662 835
Useful Websites
www.thelowdown.co.nz (depression)
www.depression.org.nz
mentalhealthservices.org.nz
www.lifework.co.nz/raising - teenagers-resources/directory
www.nobully.org.nz
28
Wellington College
References
Introduction: References
1
Georgetown Preparatory School, A Parent’s Guide for the Prevention of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Other Drug Use, Washington, 2004, p4.
2
Michael Carr-Gregg and Erin Shale, Adolescence: A Guide For Parents, Finch Publishing Pty Ltd, NSW, 2002, p159.
3
Georgetown Preparatory School, op.cit.
Chapter 1: References
1
Georgetown Preparatory School 2004, A Parents’ Guide for the Prevention of Alcohol, Tobacco, and other Drug Use, Washington DC. p15
2
Ibid.
3
Ibid.
4
Constance Jenkin and John Winston Toumbourou, Preparing Adolescents for Success in School and Life, Constance Jenkin and John
Winston Toumbourou, La Trobe University, Melbourne, 2005, p25.
5
Georgetown Preparatory School, op.cit.
6
Constance Jenkin and John Winston Toumbourou, op.cit., p63.
Chapter 2 : References
1
White, V., Hayman, J. (2006) Australian Secondary School students’ use of alcohol in 2005, Drug Strategy Branch Australian Government
Department of Health and Aging.
2
National Health and Medical Research Council, Australian alcohol Guidelines for low-risk drinking – Draft for Public consultation October
2007, www.nhmrc.gov.au.
3
Toumbourou, J.W., Williams, I.R., White, V.M., Snow, P.C., Munro, G.D. and Schofield, P.E. (2004) Prediction of alcohol relat ed harm from
controlled drinking strategies and alcohol consumption trajectories, Addiction 99, pp. 498 – 508.
4
Laubman, D., ABC’s Catalyst program, 9 August 2007.
5
Youth Risk Behaviour Surveillance, 2002.
6
Grant, B.F. and Dawson, D.A., Journal of Substance Abuse 9 (1997), pp. 103 – 110.
7
Laubman, D., ABC’s Catalyst program, 9 August 2007.
8
White, V. et al 2006.
9
Chikritzhs, T., Pascal, R., and Jones, P. (2004), Underage Drinking among 14 – 17 year olds and related harms in Australia, Bulletin No.7,
National Drug and Research Institute, Curtin University of Technology, Perth.
10
Georgetown Preparatory School, A Parent’s Guide for the Prevention of Alcohol, Tobacco and Other Drug Use, Washington, 2004.
11
The National Alcohol Indicators, Bulletin no 7 Nov 2004
12
Dr Michael Carr-Gregg, Adolescent Psychologist.
13
O’Brian Mary Claire, 2006, Medical Journal. Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research
14
Bonomo, T.A., Bowes, G., Coffey, C., Carlin, J.B. and Patlong, C. (2004) Teenage drinking and the onset of alcohol dependence: a cohort
study over seven years, Addiction 99 (12), pp. 1520-1528.
15
The American Medical Association (Alcohol), Brain Damage Risks.
16
Pre-Media Parental Survey R&R Partners, July 2006.
17
Chikritzhs, T. et al, 2004.
18
Stark, J. (2007) Pre-mixed spirits favoured by binge drink teens, The Age, 15 September.
19
Munro, Geoff. Australian Drug Foundation, Melbourne.
20
O’Brian Mary Claire, 2006 ,Medical Journal. Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research
21
Neovox Australia, http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/ life_and_style/health/article2806253.ece
22
AAP Newspaper Article
23
Owen, M., Milnes, M. and Vaughan, J., Advertiser, 2 August 2008
24
www.parentsempowered.org/HARMS
25
Georgetown Preparatory School, A Parent’s Guide for the Prevention of Alcohol, Tobacco and Other Drug Use, Washington, 2004.
26
American Medical Association Fact Sheet, 2003.
27
Carr-Gregg, M. and Shale, E., Adolescence: A Guide for Parents, Finch Publishing Pty Ltd, NSW, 2002.
28
www.parentsempowered.org/HARMS
29
American Medical Association Fact Sheet, 2003.
30
Georgetown Preparatory School, A Parent’s Guide for the Prevention of Alcohol, Tobacco and Other Drug Use, Washington, 2004.
31
Laurence Steinberg, Temple University.
32
Jenkin, C. and Toumbourou, J. W., Preparing Adolescents for Success in School and Life, published by Constance Jenkin and John Winston
Toumbourou, La Trobe University, Melbourne, 2005.
33
Ibid.
34
Toumbourou, J. W., Hayes, L., Smart, D. and Samson, A., Parenting Influences on Adolescent Alcohol Use, Research Report No. 1 0,
Australian Institute of Family Studies, 2004.
35
Jenkin, C. and Toumbourou, J. W., Preparing Adolescents for Success in School and Life, published by Constance Jenkin and John Winston
Toumbourou, La Trobe University, Melbourne, 2005.
36
Ibid.
37
Ibid.
38
Georgetown Preparatory School, A Parent’s Guide for the Prevention of Alcohol, Tobacco and Other Drug Use, Washington, 2004.
39
Jenkin, C. et al, 2005.
Chapter 3: References
1
The Stats and Facts about Depression Fact Sheet 2 ybblue,. (www.ybblue.com.au)
2
Depression Information Australia Black Dog Institute (www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/depression/inteens/index.cfm
3
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Public Health Service Alcohol, Drug Abuse, and Mental Health Administration.
http:/www.nimh.gov/publicat/letstalk.cfm NIH publication No 01-4162 Reprinted June 2001.
4
Beyond Blue, the national depression initiative. (www.beyondblue.com.au)
5
Ibid.
Parents’ and Caregivers Guide for Developing Responsible Teenagers
29
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
Website unknown
Beyond Blue, the national depression initiative. (www.beyondblue.com.au)
Dr Alison Bailey GP “Tackling Depression in Schools” DVD From Beyond Blue Organisation
Depression Information Australia Black Dog Institute (www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/depression/inteens/index.cfm
The Centre for Mental Health Research, The Australian National University. Created 18th August 2001. Modified 1st October 2005.
http:/www.bluepages.anu.au/symptoms/ diagnosis
“Mind Your Mind” Fact Sheet 2 Stress and Coping www.youth.nt.gov.au Printed October 2004
Professor Ian Hickie AM clinical advisor Beyond Blue “Tackling Depression in Schools” DVD
www.thelowdown.co.nz; www.depression.org.nz; www.skylight.co.nz; www.mentalhealth.org.nz
World Health Organisation-International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Health Problems-10th Revision 2006
YBBlue “Call to Action.” (www.ybblue.com.au)
Professor Ian Hickie AM clinical advisor Beyond Blue “Tackling Depression in Schools” DVD
Ibid.
Depression Information Australia Black Dog Institute (www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/depression/inteens/index.cfm
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Public Health Service Alcohol, Drug Abuse, and Mental Health Administration.
http:/www.nimh.gov/publicat/letstalk.cfm NIH publication No 01-4162 Reprinted June 2001
Andrew Fuller, “Don’t Waste Your Breath”- An Introduction to the Mysterious World of the Adolescent Brain, www.andrewfuller.com.au
www.depression.org.nz
John Kirwan “All Blacks Don’t Cry”
Chapter 4: References
1
www.netsafe.org.nz
2
Teenage Parties by Blackwood High School SA and Sturt Police SA as adapted by Scotch College, Melbourne, in their web publication
Successful Teenage Gatherings, 2000.
Chapter 5: Reference
1
www.alac.org.nz
Chapter 6: References
1
www.alcohol.org.nz
2
www.hanz.org.nz
3
www.nzdf.org.nz
4
www.alcoholdrughelp.org.nz
5
www.cab.org.nz
Disclaimer
This guide is not intended to reflect all strategies for dealing with the challenges of preventing alcohol, tobacco and other drug use
among adolescents, but is designed to serve as a resource for parents, caregivers, students and schools. The information contained
herein is not intended to replace professional advice, and should not be interpreted or relied upon as professional advice, whether
medical, legal or otherwise. Each individual situation is different. Wellington College shall in no event be liable for any direct,
indirect, special, incidental or consequential damage caused whether in contract, tort (including negligence) or otherwise, in relation
to the use of this guide or the ideas or services referred to in the guide.
For additional copies of this document, please contact Wellington College on 802 2520.
We wish to thank King’s College, Auckland for providing us this material and allowing us to change and use it. The document i s based on a booklet
prepared by Trinity Grammar School in Melbourne, with the advice of Dr Carr-Gregg and others.
30
Wellington College