2
List of Characters
Ringmaster (Guido)
Dr Dunlittle (Animal Inspector)
Deaf Monkey
Blind Monkey
Dumb Monkey
Gabriella (Ringmaster’s Daughter and trapeze artist)
Giuseppi (Horse trainer and roustabout)
Bozo (Clown)
Gonzo (Clown)
Crusty (Clown)
Lionel (Clown and later pretend lion)
Terry (Human Torch)
Iqbal (Lion Tamer)
Magnetic man (Human Magnet)
(Male)
(Either)
(Either)
(Either)
(Either)
(Female)
(Male)
(Either)
(Either)
(Either)
(Male)
(Either)
(Either)
(Either)
The Scene
Inside a circus tent
When The Circus Comes To Town
©
Play on Words Pty Ltd 2014
This script is copyright. Apart from any fair dealing for the purposes of private study, research or criticism or review, as
permitted under the Copyright Act, no part may be reproduced without permission.
All enquiries regarding performing rights for When The Circus Comes To Town
should be addressed to:
Play on Words Pty Ltd
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3
Scene 1
The scene is the ring of a circus. Three wise monkeys (one blind – hand
over eyes, one deaf – hands on ears, and one mute – hand over mouth) are
at floor level to left and tend to heckle. There is a lions’ cage towards the
rear, at an angle so that the audience can’t see inside
The monkeys are now lit and the rest of the scene is in darkness
Deaf Monkey
(loudly due to poor hearing) Look at the crowd tonight. More than there’s
been for months.
Blind Monkey
I can’t see a crowd.
Deaf Monkey
What!
Mute Monkey
Mmmuuummph!
Deaf Monkey
(very loudly) Isn’t anyone listening? I said look at the crowd.
Mute Monkey
Mmmuuummph!
Deaf Monkey
What! Speak up!
Mute Monkey
(loudly) Mmmuuummph!
Deaf Monkey
What!
Blind Monkey
He said Mmuuuummmph!
Deaf Monkey
What!
Blind Monkey
I wonder what crap excuse for a circus we’ll see tonight.
Deaf Monkey
If I could hear I’d say you’ll see nothing tonight cos your bloodywell blind
Mute Monkey
(pointing) Mmmuuuuuuph
Dr Dunlittle enters carrying a large thermometer and a clipboard. He is
dressed in a uniform with some type of logo on the breast
Mute Monkey
(pointing) Mmmmmmmmpp …. Mmmmmmph
Deaf Monkey
Oh hell! Here comes that loony animal inspector.
Blind Monkey
I don’t see him!
Deaf Monkey
(loudly) What!
Dunlittle
Time to get your temperatures taken boys.
4
Deaf Monkey
What!
Blind Monkey
Doesn’t he realize that we’re in the middle of a circus.
Dunlittle
We need to do a little in-competition testing lads. (to the audience) Ladies and
gentleman, my name is Dr Dunlittle and I am the animal inspector. I am
monitoring the health of all the animals in this circus. Today I need to take the
temperature of all animals extracted from the wild. So don’t be concerned. No
animals will be injured or inconvenienced in the carriage of this research. (to
the monkeys) OK who wants to go first?
Deaf Monkey
What!
Blind Monkey
What’s he doing?
Mute Monkey
Mmmmmph!
Dunlittle
You’ll do. Let’s call you number one (he puts his hand on Blind Monkey’s
shoulder and shakes the thermometer) Only take a minute. (he “inserts” the
thermometer)
Blind Monkey
(eyes popping) I didn’t see that coming!
Dunlittle
(holding up and reading the thermometer) 37.9 degrees. Well within range.
(he writes on his clipboard) Now let’s check patient number 2. (he puts his
hand on Mute Monkey’s shoulder and shakes the thermometer) This won’t
hurt. (he “inserts” the thermometer)
Mute Monkey
(eyes popping) Shiiiiit!
Blind Monkey
I didn’t think you could talk.
Mute Monkey
Mmmmmph!
Deaf Monkey
(holding his bum) What!
Dunlittle
(holding up and reading the thermometer) 38.9 degrees. A little high for this
time of day. (he writes on his clipboard) Now for our third patient. (he puts
his hand on Deaf Monkey’s shoulder and shakes the thermometer) Here we
go. (he “inserts” the thermometer)
Deaf Monkey
Faaaark!
Blind Monkey
What’s up?
Dunlittle
(holding up and reading the thermometer) 39 degrees. Top of the range for a
pan niger Thank you, kind chimps. I shouldn’t have to bother you for a day or
two.
5
Dunlittle exits
Blind Monkey
Is he gone?
Deaf Monkey
(loudly) What!
Blind Monkey
(loudly) I said “has he gone?”
Deaf Monkey
(loudly) Yes, he’s gone. Oh no, here comes the bloody clowns.
Clowns enter
Gonzo
Well that was another dud show.
Bozo
No wonder the crowds are dropping off
Crusty
Hardly anything worth seeing.
Lionel
Dunno. Our trapeze artist is worth coming to see. It’s the most excited I’ve
been since Mum worked out who my father is.
Bozo
She does some good tricks
Lionel
I’m not talking about her routine. She’s hot! (shaking his hands to indicate
heat) Really H.O.T. hot! If I could get my hands on her I’d show her a few
tricks of my own.
Gonzo
Bullshit, Lionel. As if a classy tart like her would even look at an idiot like you.
Besides, she’s the Ringmaster’s daughter. He’s very protective of her.
Lionel
I’ve got a way with the chicks. Animals and chicks, they can’t resist me. If I
dress up as an animal, not even the other animals could tell the difference.
Gonzo
Well how come your last girlfriend’s guide dog bit you?
Lionel
That was a misunderstanding. I was only adjusting her brooch.
Gabriella enters and Lionel spots her
Lionel
Watch this boys and you’ll learn a few things.
Lionel intercepts Gabriella
Lionel
Hey. Trapezium babe. Fancy taking a swing with me?
Gabriella
(walking off virtually ignoring him) Get lost creep before I take a swing at
you.
Lionel
(calling after her) If you fall you could land on top of me!
6
Gabriella
Piss off! Now leave me alone while I do a visual check on my rigging.
She moves towards the side and looks up “at her trapeze” while the clowns
talk
Crusty
Another strike out with the women, Lionel. It must get monotonous.
Lionel
She loves me. She just doesn’t know it yet.
Bozo
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We’ve heard it before Lionel.
Clowns exit leaving Gabriella. Giuseppi enters
Giuseppe
(slow dopey drawl) Geez, I love you, Gabriella.
Gabriella
I love you too, Giuseppe. When are you going to ask Dad for my hand in
marriage?
Giuseppe
Can I trade your hand for some of your other bits?
Gabriella
Oh, Giuseppe you’re so romantic.
Giuseppe
(tentatively) Gabriella? You know what that stallion was doing with that mare?
Gabriella
Yes, Giuseppe.
Giuseppe
I’d like to do that too.
Gabriella
Well she’s your mare!
Giuseppe
No I meant ……
Gabriella
Aren’t you supposed to be feeding the big cats?
Giuseppe
I’ve finished. How long does it take to put out a couple of bowls of milk and a
bit of tinned fish?
Gabriella
Well Dad’s a bit on edge lately, that’s all.
Giuseppe
(buttering up to her) Hey Gabriella, how about we slip behind those bales of
hay and have a bit of nooky nooky.
Gabriella
I dunno. If Dad catches us, you’re dead meat.
Giuseppe
Come on, your Dad’s outside repainting the zebra.
Gabriella
(suddenly enthusiastic) Oh, alright Let’s go! . But keep an eye out.
They enthusiastically disappear behind the hay bales and there is some hay
flying up in the air and some clothing flying up as well.
7
Gabriella
(from behind the hay) Oh, Giuseppe! Oooh Giuseppe!
Dr Dunlittle enters carrying a clipboard and he has his thermometer behind
his ear. He is with the ringmaster.
Dunlittle
(officious) I’m going to impound your animals.
Ringmaster
(taken aback) What?
Dunlittle
The animals. They’re not happy.
Ringmaster
What are you doing here any way? You inspected us a couple of weeks ago.
Dunlittle
I got a call from one of your elephants.
Ringmaster
(disbelieving) An elephant phoned you?
Dunlittle
(matter of fact) Yes. It was a trunk call!
Ringmaster
Right. (sarcastically) And what did the elephant complain about?
Dunlittle
That he’d been forced to help put up the tent. It’s not part of his award.
Ringmaster
(annoyed) That happened about six months ago when our tractor broke down!
(partly to himself) He must have a memory like an eleph ……
Dunlittle
(consulting his clipboard) And the hyenas are not happy with their food. All
they get are left-overs.
Ringmaster
I saw the hyenas this morning and they were laughing. …..
Dunlittle
And El Gordo, the performing horse, is being harassed.
Ringmaster
Harassed?
Dunlittle
He says Giuseppe won’t stop riding him. .. (consulting his clipboard again)
And the giraffes say their heads hit the roof of their cages.
Ringmaster
I think they’re stretching it a bit …
Dunlittle
They’re not keen to complain ….. they’re sticking their necks on this one …
Ringmaster
Well I don’t believe them …(coming to his senses) What am I saying?! With
all due respects you’re a bloody nut case.
Dunlittle
(very official) Don’t shoot the messenger, mate. I’m just passing on what they
said. But I’m the animal inspector and I have to follow up their complaints.
(going back to his notes) Now, the matter of the performing dogs.
8
Ringmaster
What about the dogs?
Dunlittle
They say they get fed less than the big cats.
Ringmaster
You’ve been sold a pup there mate. It’s equal feed for equal weight here and the
way things are at the moment they’re getting fed a lot more than our so-called
big cats.
Dunlittle
The cats are not happy either. They reckon the poles in their cage are not up to
scratch.
Ringmaster
(starting to lose it) OK! I’m sick of pussy footing around. If you’ve got any
evidence, we’ll talk further. If not, please leave and let me get on with my work.
Dunlittle
Very well, Ringmaster, but I will be keeping an ear to the ground and if I hear of
any problems with the animals then I will be back to you in a flash to close this
circus down. In fact I shall put that in writing for you. (he takes the
thermometer from behind his ear and tries to right with it)
Ringmaster
(chuckling) I think you’ll find that’s a thermometer!
Dunlittle
(annoyed) Bugger! Some arsehole’s got my pen!
Dr Dunlittle exits. Magnetic Man enters and is covered in pots, pans etc.
Magnetic Man
There you are Guido.
Ringmaster
(angrily) What’s your problem? Seems just because we’re going through tough
times everyone wants to quit. We lost the flea circus this morning. A stray dog
walked through and stole the show.
Magnetic Man
My pay rise, Guido. You promised you’d clear it with the boss.
Ringmaster
I spoke to the old girl. But it’s out of the question, Nigel ….
Magnetic Man
The name’s Magnetic Man.
Ringmaster
OK, if you want to be formal, I’ll explain it formally. Magnetic Man, a pay rise
is totally out of the question. The boss has explained that. You must have seen
that our audiences have been down.
Magnetic Man
But I’m worth twice what this circus is paying me.
Ringmaster
I think we’re poles apart on this one, Magnetic Man.
Magnetic Man
You won’t get anybody better in my field.
Ringmaster
Don’t be too sure. You’re not the attraction you used to be.
9
Magnetic Man
You’re making a big mistake, Guido. The other circuses are aware of the
audiences I can generate.
Ringmaster
You leave here and you’ll finish up on the scrap heap!
Magnetic Man
(irate) I’ll take my chances!
Magnetic Man storms out as Terry The Human Torch enters dressed in red
performance costume, which is blackened from the chest up, as is his neck,
face and hair. If possible a smoldering hat may top this off
Ringmaster
Terry, what can we do for you?
Terry
Boss, I’ve decided I have to give away this fire eating.
Ringmaster
Not more heartburn?
Terry
No. I just don’t have the fire in the belly any more.
Ringmaster
I hope we haven’t done something to put you out.
Terry
No, it’s the job. I just find it hard to swallow these days.
Ringmaster
Can’t I talk you into staying?
Terry
(shaking his head) No. I’m just burnt out.
Ringmaster
Another brilliant career extinguished. And Connie the Contortionist has quit as
well.
Terry
But she bent over backwards for you.
Ringmaster
(misinterpreting and annoyed) I was lonely after my wife died! OK!
Terry
I mean she’s been very loyal.
Ringmaster
Yeah. But now she’s left.
Terry
Well I’m off too.
Terry exits. After a moment Iqbal the lion tamer enters, distraught, and
carrying a shoebox with a cat’s tail protruding which the audience can’t see
at this stage.
Iqbal
(sadly) I have got devastating news ringmaster. (tearing up) The last of our
big cats is dead.
Ringmaster
Oh no. As if we haven’t had enough bad news. How did he die?
10
Iqbal
(turning the box to reveal the cat’s tail) Run over by some kid on a skate
board. (voice breaking) He didn’t even stop!
Ringmaster
Well there goes your act. What will you do? Back to the pound for
replacements, I guess?
Iqbal
(standing up straight and with strength in his voice) No. I’ve made a
decision. I’m sick of trying to pass off strays as big cats. No more velcroing
manes around their necks. I’m gonna buy myself a real lion and put this circus
back on the map.
He stands erect, chin out and purposely exits
Ringmaster
(clapping) Bravo, brave lion tamer.
Gabriella
(from behind the hay) Oh, Giuseppe! Oooh Giuseppe!
Ringmaster looks behind the hay and is obviously angry with what he sees.
He grabs a shovel from nearby and swings it behind the hay. There is a
clang as the shovel makes contact
Giuseppe
(screaming in pain) ooooowwwww!!!!!
Giuseppe and Gabriella stand up in a disheveled state.
Ringmaster
(angry) Gabriella! My own daughter! I’m totally disgusted and disappointed!
I didn’t know you had it in you.
Gabriella
I didn’t until you hit Giuseppe on the arse with the shovel!
Ringmaster chases them out. The three Monkeys are again lit. They are
sitting in the same order as earlier
Blind Monkey
Sounds like the circus is just about buggered.
Deaf Monkey
What!
Mute Monkey
Mmmuuuuuuuph!
Blind Monkey
(louder) I said it sounds like the circus is just about buggered.
Deaf Monkey
(loudly) I heard we might be getting a new lion.
Blind Monkey
How did you hear that? You can’t hear!
Deaf Monkey
What!
Mute Monkey
Mmmuuuuuuuph!
Blind Monkey
I haven’t seen any new lion!
11
Deaf Monkey
I thought you were blind!
Blind Monkey
I thought you were deaf!
Deaf Monkey
What!
Mute Monkey
Mmmuuuuuuuph!
Dr Dunlittle enters again carrying a large thermometer and a clipboard
Mute Monkey
(pointing) Mmmmmmmmpp …. Mmmmmmph
Deaf Monkey
Shit! Here’s that loony animal inspector and he’s carrying that bloody rectal
thermometer.
Dunlittle
Time to monitor your temperatures again fellas.
Deaf Monkey
What!
Dunlittle
OK. Number one (he puts his hand on Blind Monkey’s shoulder and shakes
the thermometer) Stay nice and still, boy. (he “inserts” the thermometer)
Blind Monkey
(eyes popping) Can’t he warm the bloody thing up!
Dunlittle
(holding up and reading the thermometer) 37.9 degrees. Excellent. (he
writes on his clipboard)
While he writes, the Mute Monkey moves positions so the Blind Monkey is
now in the middle of the other two
Dunlittle
Now let’s check patient number 2. (he puts his hand again on Blind Monkey’s
shoulder and shakes the thermometer) Now it’s your turn. (he again
“inserts” the thermometer into the Blind Monkey)
Blind Monkey
(eyes popping) What the ……….!
Mute Monkey
Mmmmmph!
Deaf Monkey
(loudly) What!
Dunlittle
(holding up and reading the thermometer) 38.9 degrees. A little higher that
specimen number 1. (he writes on his clipboard)
While he writes, the Deaf Monkey moves positions so the Blind Monkey is
now on the end
Dunlittle
Now for our last example. (he puts his hand on Blind Monkey’s shoulder
again and shakes the thermometer) Here we go. (he again “inserts” the
thermometer into the Blind Monkey)
12
Blind Monkey
Faaaark! Are you kidding me! That’s three times
Deaf Monkey
What!
Blind Monkey
(loudly) I said “That’s three times!”
Deaf Monkey
Stop your whinging. You don’t hear us complain!
Dunlittle
(holding up and reading the thermometer) 42 degrees! My goodness. That’s
high.
Blind Monkey
Probably a friction burn!
Dunlittle
Thank you, boys. I shall return in 48 hours.
Blind Monkey
Bummer!
Terry the Torch crosses with a sign that says “The Next Day”. Gabriella
and Giuseppe enter frantically.
Gabriella
Think Giuseppe. We have to find a place where we can be alone.
Giuseppe
(rubbing his backside) Not just alone, but a place where your father will not
find us.
Gabriella
(pointing) What about the lions cage?
Giuseppe
(grabbing Gabriella’s hand and moving to the lions cage then stopping)
Wait. What happens if there is a lion in there?
Gabriella
Don’t be silly, Giuseppe. This circus hasn’t had a lion for fourteen months. The
most you’ll find in there is a house cat.
Giuseppe
(enthusiastically) Then let’s go.
Gabriella and Giuseppe disappear into the cage. After a moment the
ringmaster enters and has a cursory look around. After another few
moments Iqbal enters whistling
Iqbal
Lost something, ringmaster.
Ringmaster
Yes. My daughter Gabriella. I’m worried she may by off somewhere with
Giuseppe. He’s worked with the horses for so long he may get the idea that he’s
a stallion!
Iqbal
Ah, don’t be too distressed, Ringmaster. It’s just young love. We’ve all been
through it. You must remember when you first starting courting Katrina.
13
Ringmaster
I guess I am being a little over-protective of Gabriella. Anyway, you seem
pretty happy Iqbal. Not often we hear you whistling.
Iqbal
(proudly) I’ve just gone out and bought my self-respect back, Boss.
Ringmaster
(puzzled) Your self-respect?
Iqbal
For the last two years I haven’t been a lion tamer. I’ve been a house cat tamer.
Ringmaster
(trying to boost him up) But they were big house cats.
Iqbal
No they weren’t. They were just stray tabbies. It wasn’t the clowns that our
audiences laughed at. It was me. Holding a moggy at bay with a chair and a
whip doesn’t exactly strike fear into the hearts of people.
Ringmaster
So what’s this about getting your self-respect back?
Iqbal
(proudly) I’ve gone out and bought myself a lion. A real lion. The whole deal
– mane, tail and giant teeth.
Ringmaster
(fearful) A real lion! Shit, we haven’t had one around here for months. That
could be dangerous!
Iqbal
He’s supposed to be dangerous. That’s what brings the crowds in.
Ringmaster
How’d you afford it? I bet a lion costs an arm and a leg.
Iqbal
It cost his last owner an arm and a leg! That’s why I got him cheap. He’s a man
eater!
Ringmaster
(gulps) Lucky us, eh? Where is he now?
Iqbal
(pointing) He’s in that cage.
Ringmaster
He doesn’t sound too ferocious.
Iqbal
We had to give him a tranquillizer so we could transport him over here.
Ringmaster
(looks in the cage squinting to see in the darkness inside) I can see
something in there. I can see four legs moving …..
Iqbal
(looking at his watch) Actually, he should be waking up about now. And he’s
going to be in a real bad mood when he does.
There are blood-curdling roars emanating from the cage. Suddenly the
cage door flies open and Gabriella and Giuseppe fly out and Giuseppe runs
straight into the ringmaster
Giuseppe
(frightened) There’s a bloody lion in there! A full sized, shit-scary lion!
14
Ringmaster
I know there’s a bloody lion in there. (threateningly) But the question I need
answered is why the hell you were in there!
Giuseppe
(nervously) Ahhh ….. ah ……I was looking for the pussy.
Ringmaster
(exploding) You were what?
Gabriella
Iqbal’s performing house cat. We haven’t seen it around for days.
Iqbal
He was killed in a nasty accident last week. But I now have acquired a real big
cat.
Giuseppe
He sounds pretty mean. I wouldn’t like to get in that cage with him.
Ringmaster
(frustrated) You did get in the cage with him. Just so you could chase a bit of
fluff!
Iqbal
You wouldn’t have survived for thirty seconds if he hadn’t have been
tranquillized. But he’ll be a great attraction for the crowds. Scare the shit out of
them.
Gabriella
Come on Giuseppe. We better go and get our jobs done.
Ringmaster
And we’ll be having a long chat tonight, young lady!
Giuseppe and Gabriella exit to the rear. Giuseppe now has a large brown
patch on the bum of his trousers and he walks like he has shat himself.
After a moment the clowns enter, clowning around.
Gonzo
(looking around) Where’s Lionel.
Sparky
To be honest I haven’t seen him for an hour or so.
Bozo
He better turn up. He’s the biggest clown of the lot of us.
Lionel enters dressed in a very tatty and badly made lion suit and he gives a
pathetic roar.
Lionel
Don’t be scared fellas. It’s only me!
Bozo
(sarcastically) Really!
Lionel
The circus has lost its big cats so I’m going to ask Aqbal if I can fill in as a lion.
No one could tell the difference between me and the real thing.
Sparky
(taking the Mickey) That is unbelievable! Is it really you Lionel?
Lionel
Yeah, its really me.
Gonzo
(sarcastic) Incredible. I never would have picked it!
15
Lionel
(posing) Lionel the lion. Looks like a big cat, moves like a big cat, roars like a
big cat …. (he roars pathetically)
Gonzo
You’re not that good Lionel.
Lionel
(indignant) Yes I am. Nobody would be able to tell me from a real lion.
Dr Dunlittle enters officiously.
Dunlittle
Out of my way. I’m Dr Dunlittle, the animal inspector, and I’m here to inspect
the new lion.
Sparky
This is not a real …… (Gonzo grabs him by the arm to stop him in mid
sentence)
Gonzo
Sure, Mr Inspector. Go ahead. Inspect him.
Bozo
Yeah, go over him with a fine tooth comb.
Dunlittle puts on a pair of rubber gloves
Dunlittle
Let’s hear that heart. (he takes out a stethoscope) Let’s hear you roar.
Lionel gives a pathetic roar. The others giggle
Dunlittle
(moves the stethoscope) And again.
Lionel gives another pathetic roar.
Dunlittle
Very good. The Coeur de Lion.
Bozo
What?
Dunlittle
Coeur de Lion. That’s French for the heart of the lion. Very distinctive heart
beat. The only other time you hear a beat like that is in demented humans.
Bystanders laugh
Dunlittle
Let’s check the eyes.
He holds open Lionel’s eyes and shines a light in
Dunlittle
And the ears
He looks into Lionel’s ears with his light
Bozo
(looks into Lionel’s other ear) Wow, that light is bright.
Dunlittle
Yes, and you, my friend, need to have that retina checked.
16
Bozo
I do?
Sparky
(laughing) Good joke Doc.
Dunlittle
(straight faced) What joke?
Sparky leans down and looks through Lionel’s ear and sees Bozo on the
other side
Sparky
(like talking to a little child and waving) I can seeee you!
Bozo waves back. Lionel spins around and gives an attempted scary roar.
Bozo
(in mock terror) Watch out Sparky, this beast will tear your bloody arm off!
Dunlittle
(taking a thermometer out of his bag and shaking it vigorously) The only
thing left is to take his temperature.
Lionel opens his mouth wide in anticipation but Dunlittle moves to Lionel’s
rear and lifts his tale and “inserts” the thermometer. Lionel gives a pathetic
little roar.
Dunlittle
Only take a minute, old fella.
The onlookers are now in mimed hysterics, holding their stomachs with
laughter etc. Dunlittle retrieves the thermometer and holds it in his mouth
while he takes off his gloves. He then wipes it across his sleeve and holds it
up to read it.
Dunlittle
Temperature is up a couple of degrees, but he may just be a bit stirred up about
something.
Crusty
I reckon he might be!
Bozo
(puzzled) Is there any difference between an oral thermometer and an rectal
thermometer, doc.
Dunlittle
Just the taste.
Bozo
Right.
Dunlittle
(putting his hand between Lionel’s hind legs) Now let’s see if he’s in a
condition to breed the new generation of circus lions. Just a little squeeze.
Shouldn’t hurt too much. Can I get you to cough big fella.
Lionel gives a wimpish little cough
Dunlittle
Now all that is left is a feline AIDS injection. (takes out a big syringe and
leans under Lionel’s back end) Just a little prick!
17
Lionel
(forgetting for a moment) Now that’s a bit unfair! It’s cold in here!…. I mean
grrrrh!
Dunlittle
Well, my good people, I have worked with animals all my life and there is
something I must say about this lion.
Gonzo
You know the truth, don’t you Doc? You’ve done a great job to stay straightfaced.
Dunlittle
Yes. It is difficult to hide my joy. This is no doubt the most impressive
specimen of a felidae panthera leo I have ever had the honour to examine.
Bozo
A felidae panthera leo?
Dunlittle
An African lion. A quintessential example. (picking up his bag) Let’s hope
the rest of the animals I examine come up to his extraordinary standard.
Dunlittle exits to wide mouthed dumbfounded looks from the others (except
Lionel who is preening)
Lionel
Did you hear what he said? I was a quintuplet example of an African lion.
Crusty
That’s ‘cos he only looked at you for five minutes.
Gonzo
Lionel, surely you feel he’s nuts?
Crusty
Well he felt Lionel’s.
Gonzo
Anyone can see you’re not a real bloody lion.
Lionel
He’s an experienced vet and he thought I was a lion.
Sparky
He can’t be a very good vet. He doesn’t even know which end the thermometer
goes in!
Others
Yeah!
Lionel
Look people say he can talk to animals and the animals can understand him. I
understood every word he said, so I must be just like a real lion!
Bozo
You don’t look like a bloody lion, you don’t sound like a bloody lion.
Gonzo
He stinks like a bloody lion!
Bozo
Face it Lionel. You’re nothing like a real lion.
Lionel
(starting to get annoyed) I am so. Look at me. I’m king of the jungle. If I
was in the wild you’d be running for your life right now.
18
Gonzo
No Lionel we wouldn’t.
Sparky
You couldn’t even fool a little kid.
Bozo
You just look like a dumb bloke in a dumb lion suit.
Gabriella enters and sees Lionel
Gabriella
This must be our new Lion. What a beauty.
She throws her arms around Lionel’s neck and smooches his face
Gabriella
What a lovely boy you are. So loving and gentle. What a lovely boy. I wish I
could take you home and you could curl up on my bed. Oh Pussy cat ….
Lionel starts meowing and purring with the attention
POSSIBLE SONG: Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat
Gabriella
(at the end of the song) I have to go now pussy cat. But Gabriella will be back
to see you after the show.
Gabriella exits
Lionel
See I am just like a real lion.
Sparky
(looking underneath him) Well you’re like a rampant lion anyway!
Bozo
Face it Lionel, you’re not anything like a real lion.
Lionel
(really getting stirred up) I am so. Even a real lion couldn’t tell the difference.
Gonzo
I bet it could.
Lionel
I bet it couldn’t.
Bozo
Alright. I’ll have $20 on that.
Gonzo
Me too.
Crusty
You can count me in as well.
Lionel
(taking money out of his lion suit) If you suckers want to give me your money
then who am I to complain. Here Bozo. You hold the money.
Lionel and the clowns give their money to Bozo
Lionel
Well I think I’ll go to my cage and have a little rest.
19
Lionel goes and climbs into the cage. Suddenly there is a blood curdling
roar from the lion in the cage. The clowns jump in fright.
Crusty
Did you hear that?
Gonzo
I heard it alright.
Bozo
(pointing to the lion’s cage) I think it came from in there.
Gonzo
Geez, Lionel really does sound like a lion.
Bozo
A scary lion.
A gigantic commotion then erupts from within the cage, unseen to the
audience. Bits of fur and fabric fly out through the bars of the cage.
Lionel’s head appears at the bars a couple of times in panic but is quickly
dragged back. Finally silence prevails before there is a big burp.
The clowns sneak up to the cage and peer in through the bars. Suddenly
there is another roar and they all jump back
Crusty
There’s a real lion in there that looks more like a real lion than Lionel really did.
Bozo
And he’s bloody big
Crusty
And he’s bloody mean
Gonzo
And he’s bloody scary.
Bozo
I’m glad he’s in that cage.
Crusty
(relieved) Actually we don’t have to worry. He’d never eat us.
Bozo
Why?
Crusty
‘Cos we’re clowns.
Gonzo
So?
Crusty
We taste funny.
Gonzo
(thinking) You’re probably right you know. (to the others) Wait a minute, did
anyone see Lionel in there?
Others
Nope!
Crusty
(Crusty tentatively peers in through the bars) Are you in there, Lionel?
Lionel?
Bozo
Is he in there?
20
Crusty
Oh, No!
Crusty then goes to the back of the cage and shakes his head vigorously. He
bends down and returns to the others, holding a lion’s tail.
Bozo
Looks like he couldn’t fool a real lion.
Gonzo
Beauty!
Crusty
Easiest twenty dollars I’ve ever made.
The clowns exit. After a few moments, Lionel appears, dusting himself
down.
Lionel
Lionel, the Lion! Still King of the Jungle.
Lights