Listen to yourself, feel better!
Do you ever feel bad without knowing why?
Self-talk goes on in our head continuously throughout the day.
We formulate opinions, thoughts, judgments and observations
automatically about what is going on. This dialogue is so much
a part of our life that we tend not to pay attention to it or not to
listen to it anymore.
SELF-TALK EXAMPLES (THOUGHTS):
• After being cut off by another driver: “What a jerk; he doesn’t
know how to drive…”
• After being criticized by our boss: “What an incompetent person
I am for making this mistake”
Thoughts can be positive or negative. The negative thoughts play
tricks on us. The “automatic” negative thoughts have an impact
on us…
• A physical impact: My boss wants to meet me and I imagine the
worst (being fired, conflicts). I suddenly feel sick to my stomach
• A behavioural impact: Since I think that no one is going to listen
to me, I don’t dare to speak during evening family meals
• An emotional impact: I didn’t exercise, so I tell myself that I am
lazy and without willpower, and thus I feel sad and disheartened
If I am being provided with this document, it is because:
• I have tried and feel that I will never be able to do it.
• When I overeat, even slightly, I consider it as a failure and I
quit trying to improve.
• For me, it is all or nothing: I either exercise every day or I
spend a whole week without exercising.
• In the past, I have tried several times to take control of my life
but failed, so I tell myself: “It won’t last very long”.
• When I am frustrated, disappointed, discouraged, or angry, I
tend to leave my good habits aside!”.
• When I am overworked, stressed out, bored, I feel like quitting
• I have a tendency to emotional eating.
Our thoughts can affect our physical and emotional well-being
and influence our actions and behaviours, without our realizing it
since we don’t pay attention to our self-talk.
THEREFORE…
If I feel sad without knowing why…
If I don’t feel like exercising and I don’t know why…
If I feel like eating a whole bag of chips and I don’t know why…
…paying attention to my self-talk (my thoughts), I’ll learn a lot of
things about the way I feel and the way I act. Then I’ll be in a
better position to deal adequately with the situation at hand.
THIS IS A TOOL TO…
• Learn to pay attention and listen to your self-talk gradually
• Realize its impact
• Change your self-talk in order to make it more realistic
Learning to pay attention and to listen to
your self-talk
Learning to listen to our self-talk is a bit like learning how to
play the piano: it takes time and practice. It is normal for it not
to come naturally at first. Here are a few tips to help you pay
attention to your self-talk:
• I take a few minutes in a calm and private environment to look
back on the events of the day
• I write (in my diary or journal notes) the main events of the day,
paying attention to how I felt, what I thought, and how I reacted
• I know that connecting with my thoughts may take a few
weeks
• I talk about what is going on in my life with people I trust
You can use a chart to structure your thoughts if you think it
can help:
Describe the situation
Stuck in traffic
How I felt
Furious, nervous
What I thought
I’ll be late
What I did
I hooted, yelled, swore
Are you having trouble putting words on what you feel?
Check a list of emotions to help you describe the way you feel
Listen to yourself, feel better!
Tool # 42
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Our thoughts have such an impact on us because our body
does not make a difference between what is real and what
we imagine (is not real).
THE LEMON EXERCISE
Stop for a few minutes. Relax. Close your eyes and do the
following exercise: imagine a lemon (color, aroma, texture,
shape), then keeping your eyes shut, imagine that you are
cutting up the lemon (while using all your senses with your
imagination), then imagine you are taking a piece of lemon
and taking a bite (taste, aroma, texture in your mouth…).
Listen to yourself, feel better!
What did you feel?
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When doing this exercise, what a majority of people feel in
their mouth (acidity) can be compared to what they really feel
when they bite into a piece of lemon… even though they are
not really biting into a lemon!
The aim of this exercise is to demonstrate to what extent
our brain does not differentiate between what is real (I am
biting into a piece of lemon) and what is not real (I think
that I am biting into a piece of lemon). Our body reacts in
a similar fashion, whether the situation is real or imagined.
Nightmares are another good example of this… they seem
so real that even our body switches to alarm mode and yet…
In real life, it means… If I think that nobody loves me = my
body and my mind feel and act accordingly because we don’t
challenge the accuracy of our thoughts.
We consider our thoughts as reality!
If we questioned our thoughts, some of which can be
exaggerated, unrealistic and negative, we can imagine
how this would improve our quality of life
and achievement potential
Questioning the accuracy of our thoughts
• Is this true?
• Am I jumping to conclusions?
• What is the evidence?
• How do I know that this is going to happen?
• Will it mean the end of the world if this happens to me… ?
• Is thinking this way to my advantage?
• Is there another way of looking at the situation?
• Is my evaluation of the situation based on impressions or on facts?
• If I were my best friend, what would I suggest?
Situations and emotions
I try to pay attention to my diet, but
yesterday I cheated: I ate junk food
after a bad day at work. I am ashamed
of myself; I am disappointed and I feel
guilty
My thoughts
I’ll never succeed
I have no willpower or discipline
My answers to the questions
Am I jumping to conclusions?:
I think that I may be jumping to conclusions. Yes, I hate junk food. However, I
don’t think that it necessarily means that
I’ll never succeed. I’ll increase the odds
of succeeding if I learn a lesson from
this situation and I try to understand
why I eat poorly after a bad day at work.
FOR INSTANCE:
Thought: I am sure that my employer is going to fire me
Questions: Am I jumping to conclusions? What is the evidence? How do I
know what is going to happen? Will it mean the end of the world if it happens
to me?
Questioning the accuracy of these thoughts: It is true that I made a mistake
while working on an important file. However, I know that I will not lose my job.
I realize that I must get better organized so that it won’t happen again. If I were
my best friend, I would say that this is not the end of the world, that to err is
human and that I will do better next time. Now that you have tried to challenge
your thoughts, do they still seem real or true?
Now that you have questioned your thoughts, it is time to change your selftalk in order to make it more realistic:
The easiest way to do it is to take a few minutes to complete a 4 column chart
(as illustrated on the opposite page) when you start feeling uncomfortable
(either in your head or in your heart).
• Write about the emotion or the situation that makes you feel bad by writing
down the thoughts that spontaneously go through your mind
• Answer the questions suggested above to challenge these thoughts
• Formulate a thought that takes reality into consideration and write it down
What is the evidence?: I can’t say
that I have no willpower or discipline.
I stopped smoking without any help
5 years ago and that required a lot of
willpower and discipline
The new way I see things
I hate junk food, but I know that I can
reach my goal since each time it happens I learn new ways of avoiding it
I find solutions to counter my tendancy
to emotional eating after a day’s work
I have a lot of willpower and I know that
I must go about it one step at a time,
while learning from my mistakes
By changing the way you think in order to make it more realistic, you
decrease (or even annule) the impact of your negative thoughts on your
physical sensations, your emotions and your behaviour:
The more attuned you are to your self-talk, the better you will understand
what goes on in your heart and in your life, and the easier it will be for
you to find effective solutions adapted to your needs.
With this tool practice and perseverance are the keys to success. Do
not hesitate to seek professional help in order to reach your goal.
© Institut de recherches cliniques de Montréal
Writing: Lysanne Goyer, Ph.D., Caroline Janelle, ph.D. (c), psychologists
Graphic Design: Hélène Lambin, PhD
Photography: Roger Weber - gettyimages.com
Listen to yourself, feel better!
Becoming aware of the impact of your
self-talk
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