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Rabbi Michael Beals
Erev Rosh Hashana 5775
NINE SACRED RELATIONSHIPS
Good Yontif….
Earlier this month I shook the hand of Mosab Hassan Yousef, son of one of Hamas’
founders. Well, to be more accurate, the DISOWNED son of one of Hamas’ founders. Mosab
chose to work secretly with Israel’s version of the FBI, the Shin Bet. When he told his father,
Sheikh Hassan Yousef… that was that.
I could go into details about why Mosab chose to work with Shin Bet to thwart future
suicide bombers. The sermon would read as an inspiring story of teshuva – repentance. Mosab
never killed anyone, but he repented for his hatred of Jews and Israel. He actually ended up
becoming a defender of the Jewish State, despite his harsh treatment in Israeli detention.
Instead, I wish to focus on the unlikely relationship of Mosab and his Shin Bet handler.
For years they knew each other only by their aliases. Mosab was The Green Prince (green being
the color for Hamas, and “prince” because Mosab was the heir apparent for Hamas, because he
was the “son-of-the sheikh.His handler’s code name was Captain Loai.
In his memoir, Son of Hamas, Mosab writes, “Despite the customary use of code names,
we trusted each other completely when we served together in the Shin Bet. We trusted each
other with our lives in almost every operation, and our relationship quickly developed from
fellow agents into friendship and brotherhood.”
Later Captain Loai would break all Shin Bet protocols, identify his true name, Gonen ben
Itzhak, son of a general in the IDF, and travel to Mosab’s side on the eve of a Homeland Security
deportation hearing in the United States.
Inspired, in part, by this unlikely story, tonight, on Erev Rosh Hashana, I wish to talk to
you about the TRANSFORMATIVE power of relationships – to strengthen our connection to
one another, to our synagogue, to our Judaism, and ultimately to our God.
For the past year, our Board of Directors, inspired by large segments of the Conservative
Movement, incorporated Dr. Ron Wolfson’s book, Relational Judaism, into its monthly
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meetings. Many of the decisions made in the planning and implementation of our year-long
Strategic Planning process are inspired by this book. Much of what I will share with you tonight,
and lay out over the Yamim Nora’im, is inspired by the Wolfson book.
In my story about The Son of Hamas, I focused on the relationship between the sheik’s
Palestinian son and the Israeli Shin Bet handler. The key word is between, or in Hebrew,
“bayn.” It is an important word, especially at the High Holy Days. Our rabbis of blessed
memory write that it is unacceptable to attempt teshuva beyn adam l’Makom, between a person
and God, UNTIL teshuva has first been sought out beyn adam l’haveiro, between a person and
his companions.
In order to understand the importance of the word between in the study of relationships, I
reference the great Jewish philosopher Martin Buber. He warned: We have a tendency to turn
our back on the humanity of our fellow human beings, and thus diminish I-Thou relationships
into I-It relationships. The dash between the “I” and the “Thou,” or between the “I” and the “It,”
is precisely where I wish to focus our attention tonight. If you can imagine a nine branched
Chanukah menorah, we have a way of picturing nine fundamental relationships in our lives
which form the foundation of a Relational Judaism, where the connection between people is far
more important than the programs and institutions.
Here are the nine key relationships we will lay out on the table tonight.
First:– between you and yourself
Second:—between you and your family
The Third is:—between you and your friends
Four:—between you and Jewish living and learning
Number Five:—between you and your communities, both sacred and secular
Sixth:—between you and Jewish people wherever Jews are
Seventh: between you and the State of Israel
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Eight: between you and the whole world
And finally number Nine: Beyn adam I’Makom—between you and God: belief or
disbelief, either way, a willingness to wrestle with the Divine.
So let’s visualize these nine categories of relationships as menorah candles as Wolfson
does in his book. You have a helpful diagram at your seats.
Candle one: Beyn Adam l’Atzmo – Self.
Hillel, the great first century rabbi, knew the importance of starting with the self. It was Hillel
who asked the three most important questions ever asked by a human being: Im ein ani li, mi li –
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And if I am only for myself, what am I? And if not
now, when? Although all three questions are important, Hillel starts with the self. If I am not for
myself, who will be for me?
It is striking to me that in my kehilla class for sixth and seventh graders, when we get to
straight talking about their lives, many are very open to marrying anyone, regardless of religion.
We have created universalists… Jewish children who feel so at home in the world, that
they will marry whomever they please. And outside of Orthodoxy, some statistics point to as
many as 73% of our Jewish brothers and sisters are making this choice. But here’s the part I
want you to hear. When I ask our children, “well, assuming you fall in love with someone who
is not Jewish, would you consider strongly inviting them to join your religion. Most of these
students tell me they never dreamed of asking their loved one to join our people – too
chauvinistic.
I try to explain to these students that it’s not about chauvinism. It’s not that you are
better than your neighbor. Rather, you have to decide WHO are you? What shaped you? How
important is your Judaism to your essential self? How do you want to raise your children?
Through Jewish home-based holiday celebrations beginning with Shabbat, through Jewish day
school education, through truly Jewish summer camps, , through powerful Jewish youth group
experiences offered by BBYO, Kadima and USY, through meaningful Israel experiences, we
create sustainable Jewish identities.
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The task of Congregation Beth Shalom must be to inspire our individualized, privatized
Jews to engage in a Relational Judaism that speaks to their lives, moves their hearts, and
encourages their souls to break the bondage of insularity. THIS is the goal of the first level of
relationship – The relationship with yourself.
Candle two: Beyn Adam l’Mishpachah – Family.
This year marked the 50th anniversary of Jerry Block and Sheldon Harnick’s masterpiece:
Fiddler on the Roof. When I think of Jewish family, I picture the opening number of Fiddler,
[me:] “Who day and night must scramble for a living?…
[Cantor Elisa:] Who must know the way to make a proper home, a quiet home, a kosher
home?…
[me:] At three I started Hebrew School, at ten I learned I trade...
[Cantor Elisa:] Who does Mama teach to mend and tend and fix?…
[me:] The Papa,
[Cantor Elisa:] the Mama,
[me:] the Sons,
[Cantor Elisa:] the Daughters,
[me and Cantor Elisa:] TRADITION!
This, in short, is the Jewish family.
(PAUSE)
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Abraham, Sarah, Hagar, Ishmael, Isaac – our Torah portions for the Rosh Hashana are
dominated by mothers and fathers, sons and… (concubines), all trying to get along… with mixed
success. The most defining Jewish text on family relations is the Fifth Commandment, “kabeyd
et avicha v’et eemecha,” HONOR thy mother and father.” It is interesting that the text does not
command us to LOVE our parents. Relationships between parents and children, as some of you
might know, can be fraught with challenges. Even when love may not always be possible, honor
and respect are always expected.
I think, the most interesting text on Jewish family occurs in Vayechi, the last parasha in
Genesis, and it’s about GRANDPARENTS, NOT parents! Our patriarch, Jacob, is presented
with a real, modern day, dilemma. His son, Joseph, has truly made it in Egyptian society,
married the most impressive non-Jewish woman in the kingdom, the High Priest Potiphera’s
daughter, and they have produced two children, Menashe and Ephraim. What does Jacob do?
Does he sit shiva like Tevye in “Fiddler on the Roof?” Not at all! Rather, he adopts Menashe
and Ephraim, teaches them how to be Jews, and makes them two of the famous 12 Tribes of
Israel.
The message, perhaps, for grandparents of intermarried children is: UP YOUR GAME!
Get involved! …if you can. Even if you didn’t light Shabbat candles for your kids, do it for your
grandkids, give them happy Jewish childhood memories which will shape the type of adults they
will become.
Before Yizkor on Yom Kippur Day, I will continue to explore Relational Judaism and
family, and propose that our family ties extend beyond the grave, with loved ones still playing a
role in our lives today. Number two was Relationship with Family.
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Third candle: Bayn Adam l’havero – Friends.
I hear the word “friends,” and I can’t help it… “It’s like you’re always stuck in second
gear. When it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.
[choir:] But I’ll be there for you.”
When I was installed as your rabbi 10 years ago, I couldn’t settle on just one person to
install me, so I turned to all my rabbinical and cantorial friends who already lived here, in the
greater Delaware Valley, and they created a wonderful alternative Friends theme song, which
served as a mini-celebrity roast. Finding words to rhyme with Delaware, They settled on the
rhyme: “gray HAIR.” But one of the reasons why I wanted to come to Beth Shalom all the way
from the West Coast was because I already had friends nearby who I knew would be supportive.
What about you? Have you made important life decisions based on relationships with
friends? Was it in selecting a college? Choosing a job? Deciding where to move? Picking a
synagogue? Speaking of synagogue…don’t most of you come here to see your friends?
Synagogue attendance needs to be fulfilling. It has to be fun. You need to be either
coming with friends, or meeting friends. I am very excited with the recreation of havurot around
affinity groups. There are qualities our new havurot must embody to succeed:
First, people in the havurah need to tell their stories to one another.
Second, people in the group need to find commonalities, it could be anything from life
stages, professions, and interests.
They need to share experiences together, be it worship, singing, studying, celebrating,
traveling.
People in a havurah need to care for one another and BE there for one another, at
simchas, at shiva and at important events in their lives.
And they need to act together, bonding especially for volunteer pursuits.
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These ideas for running havuras at Congregation Beth Shalom can be used for enriching all sorts
of programs at our shul. The third candle again was the relationship with Friends.
Fourth candle – Bayn Adam l’Yahabut—Jewish Living
As a visiting student in Israel, I was spending the year in Jerusalem. I had the pleasure of
worshipping at the Yeshurun Synagogue and the President of Israel, the late Chaim Herzog was
in the congregation. Much to my surprise, a gabbai gave me the honor of Hagbah…of lifting the
Torah.
When I actually tried to perform the task, for the first time, without any training. I almost
fell backwards with the Torah. No one coached me on using the reading table as a lever.
Then I was stuck holding the Torah scroll while the President of Israel chanted the
Haftarah in front of me. There was nowhere for me to escape my embarrassment before several
hundred worshippers.
What I needed was a CONCIERGE FOR JUDAISM. I needed, someone I could have a
one-on-one relationship with to answer my most basic questions of Judaism.
We create a relational Judaism by studying our Jewish texts together, the way we do on
Thursdays at noon and Saturday mornings at 8:45 a.m, and in the many discussions we have at
Shabbat lunch.
In this New Year…will our congregants say that because of their encounters with Beth
Shalom, they are more informed, better equipped Jews? Do they have a deeper relationship with
Judaism? That’s the challenge of candle four… a relationship with Jewish Learning.
Fifth Candle: Beyn Adam l’Kehillah—Community
Kehilla is the word we use to describe two very important communities in Wilmington:
the synagogue and the local Jewish community. There is a difference. The synagogue, in times
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gone by, was designated by two Hebrew letter kuf’s, standing for kehilla kedoshah, a “holy or
sacred community,” while the Jewish community has always been called simply kehillah.
It is clear that engaging more Jews, as well as non-Jews living with Jews, is one of THE
most pressing challenges facing both sacred and secular communities. Whether organizations are
membership based or not, attention must be paid to the three aspects of institutional engagement
that will determine the health of Jewish organizations in the future: recruitment, engagement,
and retention. IF we do these three things, we WILL succeed in candle five… relationships with
communities.
Sixth Candle: Beyn Adam l’Am – Peoplehood
This sixth candle is dedicated to the relationship between the individual Jew and the
Jewish people, known in Hebrew as am. You know the word from the song, Am Yisrael Hai,
The People Israel LIVE
I hear many vacation stories in this congregation. Many of you take cruises and a
familiar story arises. It is a Friday night and one the ship’s listed activities is a “Jewish worship
service.”
And sure enough, from all parts of the vessel Jews gather to share a Kabbalat Shabbat
experience – more often than not, led by one of our Beth Shalom friends. The call of Peoplehood
is strong – and perhaps attendance at services, even when you are on vacation.
(Pause)
My experience has been that a real challenge in creating a sense of peoplehood is
teaching the basic Jewish value of obligation to fellow Jews, expressed in Hebrew as kol Yisrael
areivim zeh ba-zeh. We try to instill this idea by requiring each of Beth Shalom’s bar and bat
mitzvah students to come up with a mitzvah project with Jewish content – and it’s often a hard
sell. Generosity is understood by them. Service and support focused on Jewish people and
institutions – NOT so easy. But the goal is to create a relationship where Jews will support and
connect with Jews throughout the world. Candle six was a relationship with our people.
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Seventh Candle: Bayn Adam l”Yisrael—Israel
Tomorrow’s Rosh Hashana sermon will deal exclusively with our developing a
relationship between each of us and the State of Israel. So there is very little I wish to say
tonight, except that had I not created my own personal relationship with Israel as a young man
just out of university, I doubt I would be standing in front of you as your rabbi today.
Connecting to Israel can be a struggle – and often Jews polarize to the right or left on
Israel. But the word Yisrael has WRESTLE at its very heart. Disagree or agree, defend or
critique, what matters is to be in relationship with the Jewish homeland in all its complexities
and glories. The relationship with Israel was candle seven.
Eighth candle: Bayn Adam l’Olam—World
There is a lovely midrash connected to Parshat Lech L’cha, which tries to explain why
Abraham had to leave his native Ur, and wander hundreds of miles east to Canaan. Abraham’s
belief is likened to perfume. Perfume is not effective unless it is wafted back and forth, to come
into contact with the air, and so, too, with Abraham’s belief in one God.
When the genocide in Darfur became known, my colleague, Rabbi Harold Schulweis
gave a sermon at Valley Beth Shalom on High Holy Days, in which he taught his congregants
that Judaism is not parochial, it is a WORLD religion. He reminded his congregants that the
Jewish people must take care of their own, but that we must also care for those who cannot fend
for themselves. Closer to home, Congregation Beth Shalom is part of a proud network of
neighborhood houses of worship called Family Promise, where we provide food and shelter for
the homeless on a regular basis, right down the street. As Hillel asked, “If I am ONLY for
myself, what am I?”
Candle eight is our relationship with the World.
The Shamash: Bayn Adam l’Makom—God
God is at the center of Relational Judaism. However one defines God—something
beyond the self, a force, an internal compass, the Sovereign of the Universe—it is THAT
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relationship that kindles the spark of divinity within the self.
We have all had tsuris. It
doesn’t always go right for us. At such times we are perhaps prone to ask, “Where is God?” The
Kotzker Rebber, a great 19th century Hasidic master answered, “God is wherever we let God in.”
I could live with that.
But Rabbi Schulweis pushes the envelope. He advises, “Don’t ask: ‘Where is God?” Ask:
‘When’ is God?” God is to be found in the between, when human beings encounter each other,
when we are in relationship. Therefore the task of Relational Judaism is to create a FACE-TOFACE relationship with God—
THAT’S what it means to be bayn adam l’Makom.
More on this the Second Day of Rosh Hashana, when we encounter the disturbing
Akeidat Yitzhak, the binding of Isaac. We will explore our relationship with God, by exploring
Abraham’s relationship with God.
Relationships truly have the ability to transform our lives. I believe relationships can not
only strengthen our synagogue and intensify our Judaism, I believe relationships can change the
world, bring light to dark places, peace in place of war. And I am not alone. I conclude with
some closing observations by Mosab Hassan Yousef, in his memoir, Son of Hamas:
As I look to the future, I am thankful to have a friend like Gonen at my side. We have
overcome the odds together in so many ways: We stayed alive in dangerous circumstances,
became friends despite our cultural and faith divides, and reunited miles and years later with a
shared mission.
In a culture where sometimes it seemed that everyone was using everyone else and you never
knew whom you could trust, we became brothers. My Homeland Security hearing, when we
stood together in that courtroom, was just one more chance to beat the odds. And we are not
done yet. We will continue to use all our strength and ability to work toward peace in the Middle
East.
Inshallah -- Keyn y’hi ratzon – May it be God’s Will.
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I hope our exploration of relationships at this High Holy Day season suggests that our
Judaism could be so much more than it is today. At different points in our lives, one of the
candles on our menorah diagram, one of the relationships explored tonight, may have more
resonance in our expression of Jewishness. Perhaps you can look at these different levels of
relationships like branches in a beautiful, growing tree. The time and effort you put into each of
these relationships is like the water needed to nourish the tree. Eitz chayim hi lamachazikim bah,
“It is a tree of life to those who hold fast to it and all of their supporters are happy.”
May you be blessed with special and enduring relationships in 5775. And let us say
amen.