Chapter 5
Revising Your
Writing
Revising your writing
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Choose the right words for your message.
Write effective sentences.
Develop logical paragraphs.
Convey an appropriate tone.
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Achieve Clarity
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Accurate
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Truthful, factual
5 W’s
Use familiar words
Avoid dangling expressions
Avoid unnecessary jargon
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Short, simple words
“Big men use little words, and little men use big
words.”
—Winston Churchill
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Prefer short, simple words.
Not: I have ascertained that our plant has
commenced fabricating the indispensable
circuits.
But: I have learned that our plant has started
making the needed circuits.
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Prefer specific language.
Not: You were very late several times last year.
But: You arrived for work at least 20 minutes late
on the following dates last year . . .
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Avoid dangling expressions.
• Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address
while traveling to Gettysburg on the back of an
envelope.
• I had been driving for about 40 years when I fell
asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
• Two cars were reported stolen by the Groveton
police yesterday.
• “Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper
editors.”
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Avoid clichés.
Not: As per your request, every
effort will be made to fix
the problem.
But: As you requested, we will
try to fix the problem.
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Concise: Avoid redundancies.
Not: Hiram referred back to our earlier decision
not to repeat that mistake again.
But: Hiram referred to our earlier decision not to
repeat that mistake.
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Concise: Avoid wordy expressions.
Not: Let me know as to whether or not we can
start drilling in view of the fact that the
problem has not been fixed at the present
time.
But: Let me know whether we can start drilling
since the problem has not yet been fixed.
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Concise: Avoid hidden verbs.
• Not: We held a
meeting to make the
arrangements for her
visit.
• But: We met to
arrange her visit.
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Concise: Avoid hidden subjects.
• Not: There is nothing
we can do about the
deadline.
• But: We can do
nothing about the
deadline.
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Lard Factor
Thomas Jefferson once observed that “the most
valuable of all talents is that of never using two
words when one will do.”
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Fully 1/3 of a first draft is lard; hence, it can be
cut out.
Fun fact:
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The Lord’s Prayer contains 66 words, the Gettysburg
Address contains 267 words, but a recent government
regulation on the sale of cabbage contains 26,911 words.
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Sentence Variety
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Keeps writing interesting
Too many simple = choppy
Too many complex = tedious
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Simple sentences
• John listened.
• John and Lisa listened to the vice president’s
presentation on cost-cutting methods and
decided to try her suggestions some time during
the upcoming quarter.
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5
Compound sentences
• I spoke and Ellie took notes.
• Our customers asked for faster service, and
we started same-day shipments.
• Our customers asked for faster service;
therefore, we started same-day shipments.
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Complex sentences
• When our customers asked for faster service,
we started same-day shipments.
• We started same-day shipments when our
customers asked for faster service.
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Active versus passive voice
• Active:
Jose interviewed the candidates.
• Passive:
The candidates were interviewed by Jose.
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Active versus passive voice
• Use active voice for most business writing:
Marie evaluated the proposal and will
make her decision tomorrow.
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Active versus passive voice
• Use passive voice to soften bad news or to
indicate that the doer of the action is
unimportant.
The tuition-reimbursement plan will be
discontinued on July 1.
Lunch will be served in the Adams Room.
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Parallel structure
• noun
• noun
• noun
• phrase
• phrase
• phrase
• verb
• verb
• verb
• complete sentence
• complete sentence
• complete sentence
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Unity and coherence
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Topic sentences
Transitional words
Pronouns
Repetition
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Paragraph length
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Needs of reader
Most: 60-80 words
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Topic sentence
Three or four supporting sentences
Long=boring and tedious
Short=choppy
Discusses one topic
Pause and rest
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Tone
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What is tone?
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Writer’s attitude towards both the reader and the subject
of the message.
Affects your reader
Strive for:
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Confidence, courtesy, and sincerity
Appropriate emphasis and subordination
Nondiscriminatory language
The “you” attitude
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Writing Confidently
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Strive for an overall tone that is confident if you believe
your
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Avoid: “I hope,” “I trust,” “If you agree,” etc.
Do not provide the reader with an excuse.
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Explanation is complete
Request is reasonable
Decision is based on logic
I know you are a busy person
Let us know if you experience problems
Better:
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Your lawn mower should give you many years of trouble-free
service.
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Write confidently.
Not: I trust this schedule change will satisfy your
needs.
But: This schedule change will enable you to
remain at home each morning until your child
leaves for school.
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But not too confidently
Not: I know you will like our new delivery
schedule.
But: Our new delivery schedule will assure sameday service for all of your clients.
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Use a courteous and sincere tone.
Not: You should read the instruction booklet to
learn how to photocopy on both sides.
But: As noted on page 4 of the instruction booklet,
photocopying on both sides requires two
steps.
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Builds goodwill
Increases the chances your message will
achieve its objective
Avoid:
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Lecturing, exaggerating, platitudes, obvious flattery,
condescending.
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Use a courteous and sincere tone.
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This is a platitude: Obvious to the reader;
thus it is condescending.
Not: You claimed that the order arrived three days
late.
But: Your order arrived late because of the airline
strike.
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Use a courteous and sincere tone.
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Exaggeration
Not: Our No. 1 concern is to protect the
environment when we build our addition at
Morse Lake.
But: We have taken three specific steps to protect
the environment when we build our addition
at Morse Lake.
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Use a courteous and sincere tone.
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Expressions of surprise demonstrate
insincerity.
Not: I can’t believe you expect me to accept this
offer.
But: This offer would be more attractive if it
included a six-month trial period.
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Techniques of emphasis
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Short, simple sentences
Major idea first (or last)
Active voice
More space
Language that implies importance
Repetition
Mechanical means
Ensure your writing does this appropriately:
Don’t mislead your reader.
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Emphasis—Example A
Dear Dad:
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and
$tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o
if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would
love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
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Emphasis—Example B
Dear Son:
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and
oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an
hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit
of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never
study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
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Positive Language
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Stress advantages
Tell reader what you can do
Avoid negative sounding words
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Mistake, damage, refuse, deny
Create a positive image
Stress what IS true and what CAN be done.
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Positive language
Not: We cannot replace your laser printer.
But: We will be happy to repair your laser printer
at no charge.
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Stress the “you” attitude
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Ask yourself, “How would I react if I received this
message.?”
Most readers want to know WIFM
Powerful: Stress is on “them,” NOT “me” or us
Emphasize reader/audience benefits
Project yourself into the readers position
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Empathy
What do they want/need to know
Show how someone, other than you, will benefit.
It is NOT the pronoun, “you.” Overuse of the pronoun
makes you seem pushy or arrogant.
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Stress the “you” attitude.
Not: I liked your
presentation at
yesterday’s board
meeting.
But: Your presentation
at yesterday’s
board meeting was
just great!
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Stress the “you” attitude.
Not: We are opening the new fitness center on
May 1.
But: You may begin working out in the new fitness
center on May 1.
er.
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Exceptions to the “you” attitude
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Negative information
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Refusing a request, disagreeing
Talking about someone’s mistake. (Remember the
reasons for “I” statements when critiquing?)
Avoid connecting the reader too closely with
the negative. (Use positive language instead:
Tell them what you can do.)
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NOT: You failed to return the merchandise within the 10
day period.
BUT: We are happy to give a full refund on all
merchandise that is returned within 10-days.
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Use nondiscriminatory language.
Not: When making the table arrangements for the
president’s luncheon, be sure to seat Arlene Kelly
next to Mr. Jameson, our new African-American
salesman from Philadelphia. Also, remember that Mr.
Little is confined to a wheelchair and should be
seated on the main level. The other executives and
their wives may be seated in any order.
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Avoid gender bias.
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Use neutral job titles.
Avoid language that implies gender.
Avoid demeaning or stereotypical terms.
Use parallel language.
Use appropriate personal titles and salutations.
Avoid using he as a generic pronoun.
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Avoid bias continued
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Race
Ethnicity
Religion
Age
Sexual Orientation
Disabilities
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Separate the impairment from the person
Mary, who has epilepsy, NOT: Mary, an epileptic.
Competent communicators want readers to
focus on what is written, not how it is written.
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Writing Style
“A good writer works hard so that the reader will
not have to.”
Richard Lauchman, Plain Style, 1993
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Key terms
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active voice
cliché
complex sentence
compound sentence
dangling expression
expletive
mechanics
nondiscriminatory language
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parallelism
passive voice
platitude
receiver benefits
redundancy
simple sentence
style
tone
“you” attitude
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