Perusal
SPAM® is a registered trademark of Hormel Foods, LLC
Book and Lyrics by ERIC IDLE
Music by JOHN DU PREZ & ERIC IDLE
Young@Part Edition Adapted by Marc Tuminelli
From the original screenplay by
Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones and Michael Palin
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1/20/16
SCENE ONE
THE THEATER
(Three very educated looking bow-tied HISTORIANS with horn rimmed glasses
enter. A map of England appears with skulls in various places, like a Medieval
weather map.)
#1 INTRODUCTION
HISTORIAN 1
England 932 A.D. A Kingdom divided. To the West, the Anglo-Saxons; to the East, the French.
HISTORIAN 2
Above, nothing but Celts and some people from Scotland. In Gwynned, Powys, and Dyfed –Plague.
HISTORIAN 3
In the kingdoms of Wessex, Sussex, and Essex and Kent – Plague. In Mercia and the two Anglias – Plague: with a
50% chance of pestilence and famine coming out of the Northeast at twelve miles per hour.
HISTORIAN 1
Legend tells of an extraordinary leader who arose from the chaos to unite a troubled kingdom…
HISTORIAN 2
…A man with a vision who gathered Knights together in a Holy Quest.
HISTORIAN 3
This man was Arthur, King of the Britons. For this was England!
(The set for scene two is immediately revealed).
1
SCENE TWO
FINLAND
(A pretty woodland set; brightly lit with a painted mountain backdrop with
pine trees.
This is Finland. The stage is filled with extremely SILLY PEOPLE in highly
colored Scandinavian costumes, singing and dancing in a very daft folkloric
way.)
#2 FISCH SCHLAPPING SONG
FINLAND, FINLAND, FINLAND
THAT'S THE COUNTRY FOR ME!
ENSEMBLE
MAYOR
FINLAND IS THE COUNTRY WHERE WE DANCE
FINLAND IS THE COUNTRY WHERE WE PLAY
SINGER 1
HERE IN FINLAND BOY AND GIRL CAN FIND A TRUE ROMANCE
IN TRADITIONAL SCANDINAVIAN WAY
ALL
SCHLIP SCHLAP –
SCHLIP AND SCHLAP AWAY
SCHLIP SCHLAP –
SCHLAP AWAY ALL DAY
SCHLIP SCHLAP –
YOU SIMPLY CAN'T GO WRONG
IN TRADITIONAL FISCH SCHLAPPING SONG
(The BOYS proudly produce two tiny fish, one in each hand and as they
advance they slap the GIRLS across their cheeks. Everybody grins idiotically as
if this was tremendous fun. After two advances the GIRLS produce a huge fish
and hit the BOYS across their heads knocking them flat.)
FINLAND FINLAND FINLAND
ENSEMBLE
2
SINGER 2
THE COUNTRY WHERE I QUITE WANT TO BE
PONY TREKKING
OR CAMPING
OR JUST WATCHING TV
FINLAND FINLAND FINLAND
THAT'S THE COUNTRY FOR ME!
SINGER 3
SINGER 4
ALL
(HISTORIAN enters in disbelief)
HISTORIAN
I said England!
Oh, sorry. Oops.(etc)
CHORUS
(The CHORUS strikes whatever comprises the set of Finland, They ALL exit
embarrassed. The bright lights go out, replaced by darkness, a bell tolling
mournfully, and medieval chanting. A large medieval castle is revealed.)
3
SCENE THREE
SOMEWHERE IN ENGLAND, 932 A.D.
(KING ARTHUR "rides" in, pretending to ride an imaginary horse, followed by
PATSY, his servant, banging two halves of a coconut together. They take a
leap.)
ARTHUR
Steady. And over we go.
(PATSY makes the appropriate coconut noise for each maneuver)
Well taken, Patsy. And canter. And trot.
(They ride round the stage, giving a display of real horsemanship.)
And whoa there! Well done. Hello?
(ARTHUR reins in the "horse" and surveys the castle. A GUARD appears
through a window of the castle wall.)
GUARD 1
Hello?! Who goes there?
#3 KING ARTHUR'S SONG
ARTHUR
I AM ARTHUR KING OF THE BRITONS
LORD AND RULER OF ALL
OF ENGLAND, AND SCOTLAND
AND EVEN TINY LITTLE BITS OF GAUL
And I'm the Emperor of Norway. Go. Away.
GUARD 2
4
HE IS ARTHUR KING OF THE BRITONS
AND WE ARE OUT SEEKING MEN
VERY STRONG MEN
AND VERY ABLE
PATSY
ARTHUR
TO SIT AROUND OUR VERY, VERY ROUND TABLE
What is it you want?
GUARD 1
ARTHUR
We have ridden the across this land in search of knights to join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with
your lord and master.
What, ridden on a horse?
Yes!
You're using coconuts!
What?
GUARD 2
ARTHUR
GUARD 1
ARTHUR
GUARD 2
You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're banging them together.
ARTHUR
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through…
GUARD 1
Where'd you get the coconut?
We found them.
ARTHUR
5
GUARD 2
Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
ARTHUR
What do you mean?
Well, this is a temperate zone.
GUARD 1
ARTHUR
Well, it doesn't matter. Will you tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
GUARD 2
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR
Please!
(LANCE appears at the opposite window)
It could be carried by an African swallow!
LANCE
ARTHUR
Will YOU ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?
GUARD 1
A swallow carrying a coconut?
(The GUARD whispers to LANCE as ARTHUR, despairing of any further sensible
conversation, gallops off left with PATSY.)
LANCE
Well, why not? It could grip it by the husk. Hey! Who was that then?
6
GUARD 2
That's a king.
How can you tell?
He hasn't got dung all over him.
LANCE
GUARD 1
(Blackout.)
7
SCENE FOUR
PLAUGUE VILLAGE
(A cart filled with dead bodies pushed by a MAN in rags enters upstage right.
ROBIN, THE DEAD COLLECTOR, enters banging a triangle.)
Bring out your Dead!
ROBIN
(LANCE enters dragging a small bubo-covered MAN, apparently dead, by his
feet.)
Here's one.
Nine pence.
LANCE
ROBIN
MAN
I'm not dead!
ROBIN
What?
Nothing. Here's your nine pence.
I'm not dead!
Here, he says he's not dead!
Yes, he is.
I'm not!
LANCE
MAN
ROBIN
LANCE
MAN
- 8 -
ROBIN
He isn't.
Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
I'm getting better!
No, you're not; you'll be stone dead in a moment.
I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
LANCE
MAN
LANCE
ROBIN
MAN
I feel fine!
LANCE
Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
ROBIN
Oh, alright. Kevin.
LANCE
Thanks, mate.
(The CARTER picks up the MAN and carries him towards the cart.)
ROBIN
But make it quick. I got to get to Camelot by six.
LANCE
You're going to Camelot?
ROBIN
Yes.
What, you got a gig?
LANCE
- 9 -
ROBIN
No, I'm going to enlist.
LANCE
What, as a Knight?
Maybe.
Well I'll come with you.
I'm not dead yet.
Pipe down. I fancy some of that fighting.
Oh, there's fighting is there?
ROBIN
LANCE
MAN
LANCE
ROBIN
LANCE
Quite, a lot of fighting, mate. That's what the job's all about.
Oh, I see. It's not just singing and dancing?
ROBIN
MAN
I'd like to dance.
LANCE
Look, you're not fooling anyone you know.
#4 I AM NOT DEAD YET
I feel happy. I feel happy.
MAN
- 10 -
(To illustrate how happy he is, he sings-)
I AM NOT DEAD YET
I CAN DANCE AND I CAN SING
I AM NOT DEAD YET
I CAN DO THE HIGHLAND FLING
I AM NOT DEAD YET
NO NEED TO GO TO BED
NO NEED TO CALL A DOCTOR
'COS I'M NOT YET DEAD
(The other BODIES on the cart quite suddenly sit up and sing-)
HE IS NOT YET DEAD
THAT'S WHAT THE GEEZER SAID
OH HE'S NOT YET DEAD
THAT MAN IS OFF HIS HEAD
HE IS NOT YET DEAD
PUT HIM BACK IN BED
KEEP HIM OFF THE CART BECAUSE
HE'S NOT YET DEAD
BODIES
(The MAN dances frenetically to show them he is healthy until LANCE whacks
him smartly on the head with a shovel from the cart. The MAN drops like a
stone.)
BODIES (CONT'D)
WELL, NOW HE'S DEAD
YOU WHACKED HIM ON THE HEAD
SURE NOW HE'S DEAD
IT MAKES ME JUST SEE RED
WHO IS THAT BRUTE WHO FLATTENED THAT OLD COOT?
YOU, VERY SILLY FELLOW, NOW HE'S REALLY DEAD
(LANCE menaces them with his shovel)
- 11 -
LANCE
MY NAME IS LANCELOT
I'M BIG AND STRONG AND HOT
OCCASION'LLY I DO
SOME THINGS THAT I SHOULD NOT
ROBIN
I WANT TO BE A KNIGHT
BUT I DON'T LIKE TO FIGHT
I'M RATHER SCARED I MAY
JUST SIMPLY RUN AWAY
I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU, ROBIN
THROUGH AND THROUGH AND THROUGH
SO STICK WITH ME AND I'LL
SHOW YOU WHAT TO DO
LANCE
BOTH
WE'LL REMAIN GOOD CHUMS
LANCE
YOU CAN TEACH ME HOW TO DANCE
BOTH
WE'RE GOING TO ENLIST
ROBIN
I'M ROBIN
LANCE
AND I'M LANCE
LANCELOT, ROBIN, & BODIES
OH, WE'RE OFF TO WAR
BECAUSE WE'RE NOT YET DEAD
WE WILL ALL ENLIST
AS THE KNIGHTS THAT ARTHUR LED
- 12 -
MAN
I AM COMING TOO
MY NAME WILL BE SIR FRED
I'LL BE YOUR MUSICIAN
'COS I'M NOT YET DEAD
ALL
WE'RE GOING OFF TO WAR
WE'LL HAVE VICTORIES BY THE SCORE
WE'LL BE LOYAL TO THE CORPS
'CAUSE WE'RE NOT YET
MAN
ALL
(LANCE whacks him over the head again and he drops like a stone.)
ALL (EXCEPT MAN)
DEAD!
NOT YET DEAD!
(Ensemble exits in blackout with transition to Scene 5)
- 13 -
SCENE FIVE
A mud village
(ARTHUR rides in with PATSY. DENNIS GALAHAD enters behind a small
traveling mound of mud. He is mining for mud.)
Over! Old woman!
Man!
ARTHUR
DENNIS
ARTHUR
Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
I'm _______(use age).
DENNIS
ARTHUR
What?
DENNIS
I'm not old!
ARTHUR
Well, I can't just call you 'Man.'
Well, you could say 'Dennis.'
Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis.'
Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
DENNIS
ARTHUR
DENNIS
ARTHUR
Look…I did say I was sorry about the 'old woman' thing, but really, from behind you do look like…
14
DENNIS
What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!
Well, I am king...
ARTHUR
DENNIS
Oh, king, eh, very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers?? If there's ever going to be any
progress…
(DENNIS’S MOTHER ENTERS)
MOTHER
Dennis, there's a lot of good mud over there. Oh how d'you do?
How do you do, good lady.
ARTHUR
MOTHER
How d'you do. I'm Mrs. Galahad, widowed mother of Dennis, married to Nobby the Cretin, dropped dead last
Tuesday, which does leave me sadly available.
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
King of the who?
ARTHUR
MOTHER
ARTHUR
The Britons.
MOTHER
Who are the Britons?
ARTHUR
Well, we all are. We are all Britons and I am your king.
MOTHER
I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an independent collective.
15
ARTHUR
Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! I am in haste. Who is your lord?
Oh! Order, eh? Who does he think he is?
MOTHER
ARTHUR
I am your king!
Well, I didn't vote for you.
You don't vote for kings.
MOTHER
ARTHUR
#5 THE LADY OF THE LAKE
MOTHER
Well, how did you become king then?
ARTHUR
Well, I'll tell you. One day, as I was riding forth from Camelot I saw a lady in the lake!
DENNIS
Was she alive?
ARTHUR
Yes. She was…the Lady of the Lake! She lives in the lake.
What, underwater?
Yes.
DENNIS
ARTHUR
(DENNIS indicates to his mother that ARTHUR is not right in the head.)
16
ARTHUR (CONT’D)
She appeared to me out of the water… holding aloft Excalibur signifying that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.
(ARTHUR draws his sword. It shines mystically.)
PATSY
Excalibur!
EXCALIBUR!
AH – AH!
CHORUS (OFFSTAGE)
(DENNIS and his MOTHER look around to see who sang.)
That is why I am your King.
ARTHUR
DENNIS
Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme
executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some fake
aquatic ceremony.
ARTHUR
It's not just an ordinary sword. How many swords have their own names?
DENNIS
If I went around saying I was an emperor just because some watery lady had lobbed a sword at me they'd put
me away!
ARTHUR
Do you think I could make that up? Very well, since you don't believe me, if I prove to you that the Lady of the
Lake exists, will you join my army and enlist as a knight?
DENNIS
Oh sure, if she exists, I'll join any army. And for the Tooth Fairy, I'll join the Navy …
ARTHUR
Very well. Watch this.
17
(ARTHUR walks forward and kneels.)
ARTHUR
O Lady of the Lake, please reveal to this doubting Thomas…
DENNIS
Dennis.
ARTHUR
…please reveal to this doubting Dennis that you are real!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
CHORUS
(The LADY OF THE LAKE and her LAKER GIRLS emerge)
Oh, my!
DENNIS
(The LADY OF THE LAKE steps forward and appeals to young DENNIS.)
LADY OF THE LAKE
COME WITH ME
COME WITH ME
COME WITH ME, SWEET GALAHAD
YOU'LL BE A MAN
JOIN ARTHUR'S CLAN
COME WITH ME AND I WILL MAKE YOU GLAD.
GALAHAD, SWEET GALAHAD
BE A KNIGHT IT'S TIME TO TAKE YOUR VOW
IF YOU COME WITH ME NOW
I'LL SHOW YOU HOW
(The LADY OF THE LAKE offers her hand to DENNIS)
18
OH, WOW.
DENNIS
(Completely entranced, DENNIS takes her hand and follows her off. MOTHER
recovers from her shock and awe and sees what is happening too late.)
MOTHER
'Ere, you leave him alone you watery witch. Dennis. Come back. You'll catch a nasty cold in that pond.
#6 LAKER GIRLS
ARTHUR
Stand aside, Mrs. Galahad, while the Lady of the Lake and her Laker Girls welcome your son into my army.
(ARTHUR blows a referee’s whistle. The LAKER GIRLS rush forward ripping off
their frond dresses to reveal Cheerleader costumes underneath. They produce
pom-poms and perform a high-kicking clichéd
Cheerleader routine for ARTHUR.)
I AM ARTHUR
KING OF THE BRITONS
AND WE'RE SEEKING MEN
WHO ARE ABLE
AND SO WE'RE
RECRUITING DENNIS
TO SIT AT OUR
VERY, VERY, VERY ROUND TABLE
(Chanted like cheerleaders)
READY? O.K.!.
K-I-N
G-A-R
T-H-U-R ARTHUR
K-I-N
G-A-R
T-H-U-R ARTHUR
LAKER GIRLS
ARTHUR KING
19
ARTHUR KING
THE BIGGEST AND THE COOLEST THING
WHO'S THE KING?
ARTHUR
LAKER GIRLS
U.R.
ARTHUR
WHO'S THE KING?
LAKER GIRLS
U.R.
A-R-T-H-U-R ARTHUR!
(A frog enters does a cartwheel and exits. ARTHUR double-takes.)
WHO IS NEXT TO ENLIST?
DENNIS, DENNIS
PATSY
WHO IS?
ARTHUR AND PATSY
"DEN" IS!
THE LADY OF THE LAKE
WILL MAKE HIM A MAN
IF SHE CAN'T DO IT
NOBODY CAN
WHO WILL HE BE?
LAKER GIRLS AND PATSY
ARTHUR AND PATSY
LAKER GIRLS
G-A-L-A-H-A-D
(The LAKER GIRLS reveal a card with a letter on it)
20
LAKER GIRLS (CON’T)
G-A-L-A-H-A…
(MRS. GALAHAD jumps in to reveal the letter…)
MOTHER
D!
(PATSY rushes forward with a megaphone)
PATSY
Tonight, King Arthur presents the Lady of the Lake and the Knighting of Dennis Galahad!
(A magnificent boat sails in through the Gateway. DENNIS stands totally
transformed. He is no longer dirty muddy DENNIS. He is spotless, wearing
chain mail armor and a white tunic with the red cross of St. George. He stands
in a stiff pose with his long blonde hair streaming in the wind. The LADY OF
THE LAKE is at his side, her arms entwined around his waist, gazing up at him
adoringly in a classic "Phantom of the Opera" pose. If possible From above, a
chandelier slowly descends (or an actor can run across with a Chandelier).
GALAHAD and the LADY OF THE LAKE step from the boat and sing an over-thetop romantic ballad.)
AH! AH! AH!
CHORUS
WOMEN
AH! AH!
AH! AH!
AH!
AH!
AH!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!
MEN
#7 THE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS
21
DENNIS
ONCE IN EVERY SHOW
THERE COMES A SONG LIKE THIS
IT STARTS OFF SOFT AND LOW
AND ENDS UP WITH A KISS
OH, WHERE IS THE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS?
(Spoken in rhythm)
WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS IT?
WHERE? WHERE? WHERE
LADY OF THE LAKE
A SENTIMENTAL SONG
THAT CASTS A MAGIC TRANCE
THEY ALL WILL HUM ALONG
WE'LL OVERACT AND DANCE
OH, THIS IS THE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS
DENNIS
I'M FEELING VERY PROUD
YOU'RE SINGING FAR TOO LOUD
LADY OF THE LAKE
THAT'S THE WAY THAT THIS SONG GOES
YOU'RE STANDING ON MY TOES
DENNIS
LADY OF THE LAKE
SINGING OUR SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS
BOTH
(The song modulates even higher)
SOLO 1
I CAN'T BELIEVE THERE'S MORE
SOLO 2
IT'S FAR TOO LONG, I'M SURE
22
SOLO 3
THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH THIS SONG
IT GOES ON AND ON AND ON
LADY AND DENNIS
FOR THIS IS THE SONG THAT IS TOO LONG
(It still continues…)
LET'S STOP THIS DARN REFRAIN
LADY OF THE LAKE
LAKER GIRLS
AH!
BEFORE WE GO INSANE…
THE SONG ALWAYS ENDS
BOTH
LAKER GIRLS
ENDS
BOTH
LIKE
LIKE
THIS!
LAKER GIRLS
ALL
(The final note triggers electrical sparks and destruction of the chandelier...)
#7A THE SONG THAT GOES – PLAYOFF
(THE LADY retreats, the GIRLS exit, the stage clears leaving ARTHUR, PATSY,
and DENNIS.)
23
#8 THE KNIGHTING OF GALAHAD
ARTHUR
Come, kneel.
DENNIS
Dennis!
ARTHUR
Come, Dennis. Kneel.
(GALAHAD kneels while ARTHUR knights him)
Arise, Sir Galahad!
GALAHAD
Oh, thank you, King Arthur. I feel ever so much better now.
'Ere, Dennis, what has she done to your voice?
PATSY
GALAHAD
I'm talking properly now, because I am a Knight.
ARTHUR
Come, let us to horse.
GALAHAD
To what?
(hesitates)
ARTHUR
To horse!
(GALAHAD "mounts" his imaginary horse. He "rides" off gingerly, stage right.)
PATSY
Come on. Come on. You'll soon get the hang of it.
24
SCENE SIX
(ARTHUR and PATSY enter followed one by one by the KNIGHTS. The
HISTORIANs appear.)
#9 ALL FOR ONE
HISTORIAN 1
And so, King Arthur gathered more Knights together, bringing from all the corners of the Kingdom the
strongest and bravest in the land to sit at the Round Table.
The strangely flatulent Sir Bedevere.
HISTORIAN 2
(BEDEVERE enters flapping his tabard, as if he has just farted.)
HISTORIAN 3
The dashingly handsome Sir Galahad…
(SIR GALAHAD enters and shakes his blonde mane preciously)
HISTORIAN 1
The impressively brave Sir Lancelot…
(LANCELOT enters and looks terrified)
Sir Robin the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot…
(SIR ROBIN enters holding a rubber chicken)
…who slew the vicious chicken of Bristol!
HISTORIAN 2
And the aptly named Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-show.
(SIR NOT-APPEARING, a Knight in Spanish armor, enters. They all look at him.)
25
SIR NOT-APPEARING
Sorry.
(He exits sheepishly)
HISTORIAN 3
Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries…
The Knights of the Round Table!
ALL HISTORIANS
(The KNIGHTS do a soft shoe shuffle and then gather around a campfire,
produced from PATSY'S sack as night falls)
ALL FOR ONE
ONE FOR ALL
ALL FOR ONE
AND ONE FOR ALL
SOME FOR SOME
NONE FOR NONE
KNIGHTS
BEDEVERE
GALAHAD
SLIGHTLY LESS FOR PEOPLE WE DON'T LIKE
ROBIN
LANCELOT
AND A LITTLE BIT MORE FOR ME
ALL (EXCEPT ARTHUR)
ALL ROUND THIS BLIGHTY LAND
WE ARE HIS MIGHTY BAND
OOOO
OOOO
ARTHUR
26
KNIGHTS (EXCEPT ARTHUR)
KING ARTHUR'S STRONGEST KNIGHTS
WE ARE PREPARED TO FIGHT
WHOOOO- EVER
(KING ARTHUR steps forward to address them around the campfire)
ARTHUR
Knights, tonight is the night when all my knights……unite. Tonight we shine a bright light on to a mystery of
history: to wit – why are we called the Middle Ages when nothing comes after us? Someday, history will speak of
a legendary king and his knights!
ALL FOR ONE
KNIGHTS
KNIGHTS (CON’T)
ONE FOR ALL
FROM HIGH TO LOW
FROM BIG TO SMALL
ARTHUR
Together, we will bring chivalry to a rude and churlish time. But first, I thought, "Let's go to Camelot!"
To Camelot!
To Camelot!
LANCE AND ROBIN
GALAHAD, BEDEVERE, AND PATSY
ARTHUR
And remember, gentlemen. What happens in Camelot, stays in Camelot!
(Lights and set transition to next scene as Arthur and the Knights roll-out for
Camelot!)
27
SCENE SEVEN
[The Court of Camelot]
(The garishly lit neon exterior of The Castle of Camelot. Like a hotel in Las
Vegas, A beyond over the top Broadway number in the worst possible taste.)
#10 KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE
CAMELOT
THE TOWN THAT NEVER SLEEPS
IT'S CAMELOT!
GIRLS
ALL KNIGHTS
Hello! Welcome to Camelot!
ARTHUR
HUP!
HUP!
HUP!
HUP!
HUP!
BARITONES
TENORS
BASSES
LANCELOT, BEDEVERE, GALAHAD, & ROBIN
ARTHUR AND THE KNIGHTS
WE'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE
WE DANCE WHENE'ER WE'RE ABLE
WE DO ROUTINES AND CHORUS SCENES
WITH FOOTWORK IMPECC-ABLE
WE DINE WELL HERE IN CAMELOT
WE EAT HAM AND JAM AND SPAM-A-LOT
28
ARTHUR AND THE KNIGHTS (CONT’D)
SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM
SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM
WE'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE
OUR SHOWS ARE FOR-MID-ABLE
BUT MANY TIMES, WE'RE GIVEN RHYMES
THAT ARE QUITE UNSING-ABLE
WE'RE OPERA MAD IN CAMELOT
WE SING FROM THE DIAPHRAGM A LOT
ARTHUR
Ladies and gentlemen – We bring you the finest entertainment available in all of Camelot – the Lady of the
Lounge.
(THE LADY OF THE LOUNGE - a female lounge singer enters and pulls a
microphone out of the back of her pants suit and nods to the audience
acknowledging their applause in true diva fashion.)
LADY OF THE LOUNGE
Thank you… thank you so very much…
(Singing in a very "Vegas" way, very Judy Garland/Liza Minnelli)
ONCE IN EV'RY SHOW
THERE COMES A SONG LIKE THIS
IT STARTS OFF SOFT AND LOW
AND ENDS UP WITH A KISS
OH, WHERE IS THE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS?
FOR THIS IS THE SONG THAT GOES LIKE …(SCATS) A WHOP BOP (ETC.)
(Scats)
DOO WHOP A DIDDLE
(Etc.)
ARTHUR
LADY OF THE LOUNGE
THEY'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE
29
THEY DANCE WHENE'ER THEY'RE ABLE
THEY'RE KNIGHTS
LADY OF THE LOUNGE
ARTHUR
NOT DAYS, BUT KNIGHTS
NOT DAWN, NOT DUSK
NOT LATE AFTERNOON
BUT KNIGHTS
OF THE ROUND TABLE
ROUND TABLE
ROUND TABLE
ROUND TABLE
ARTHUR
LADY OF THE LOUNGE & ARTHUR
ROUND TABLE
ROUND TABLE
ROUND TABLE
ROUND TABLE
ALL
WE WON!
WE'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE
WE DANCE WHENE'ER WE'RE ABLE
WE DO ROUTINES AND GORY SCENES
THAT ARE TOO CRUDE FOR CABLE
WE EAT HAM AND JAM
POW!
WE EAT HAM AND JAM AND SPAM-A-LOT!
SPAMALOT!
(Blackout.)
30
SCENE EIGHT
AT THE FEET OF GOD
(Loud bolt of lightning and crack of thunder and a very powerful light shines.
We see two huge feet. These are the feet of GOD. The KNIGHTS all fall to their
knees.)
# 10A PART 1 AT THE FEET OF GOD
GOD
Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel! If there's one thing I cannot stand, it's people groveling.
Sorry, Lord!!
ARTHUR
GOD
And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's, 'sorry this,' and, 'forgive me that,’ and, 'I'm not
worthy'. What are you doing waiting your time in Camelot!?
Well, we were dancing Lord and…
ARTHUR
GOD
Arthur, King of the Britons, your Knights have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
Oh, good idea, oh Lord!
ARTHUR
GOD
Of course it's a good idea! I'm God, Now this shall be your Quest. Behold! The Grail appears projected on the
clouds. Arthur, this is the Holy Grail. Look well. For that is your purpose, Arthur, the Quest for the Holy Grail.
But how will I…?
ARTHUR
GOD
Just find the Grail, okay. And quickly this is the one act version!
31
# 10A PART 2 HAND OF GOD
(GOD lifts off like a NASA launch. Smoke pours out of his feet as they ascend.)
God be praised! We have a Quest.
To find the Grail.
The Quail!
No, the Grail. The vessel used at The Last Supper.
ARTHUR
BEDEVERE
ROBIN
ARTHUR
ROBIN
They had a boat at the Last Supper? Was it a sort of Dinner Cruise?
The Grail is a Cup.
ARTHUR
ROBIN
God the Almighty and All Knowing has misplaced a cup?
GALAHAD
Apparently.
ROBIN
Doesn't sound very plausible. If God is all-knowing He must know where it is.
GALAHAD
It does seem very careless. There must be other cups he could use.
Couldn't we just buy him another one?
ROBIN
ARTHUR
Look, it's not just about a missing mug. It's a metaphor. We must all look for the Grail within us.
32
ROBIN
Somebody's swallowed it?
ARTHUR
Nobody has swallowed it. Look, just go and find it.
(The Knights begin their quest with the
immediate transition to the next scene.)
33
SCENE NINE
THE QUEST FOR THE GRAIL
#11 FIND YOUR GRAIL
(The LADY OF THE LAKE appears, singing an over the top ballad, accompanied
by her LAKER GIRLS, ENSEMBLE, as ARTHUR AND THE KNIGHTS traverse the
set in their search.)
BOYS
AH
AH
LAKER GIRLS
BOYS
AH
AH
LAKER GIRLS
BOYS
AH
AH
LAKER GIRLS
BOYS
AH
LAKER GIRLS
AH
LADY OF THE LAKE
IF YOU TRUST IN YOUR SOUL
KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE GOAL
THEN THE PRIZE YOU WON'T FAIL
THAT'S YOUR GRAIL, THAT'S YOUR GRAIL
34
LAKER GIRL 1
SO BE STRONG
KEEP RIGHT ON
TO THE END
OF YOUR SONG
LAKER GIRL 2
DO NOT FAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL
LIFE IS REALLY UP TO YOU
YOU MUST CHOOSE WHAT TO PURSUE
SET YOUR MIND ON WHAT TO FIND
AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN'T DO
SO KEEP RIGHT
TO THE END
YOU'LL FIND YOUR
GOAL MY FRIEND
YOU WON'T FAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL
LADY OF THE LAKE
(The CHORUS emerges with banners that read "Support Our Troops" "Quest
for the Grail" "Go Arthur" etc. ARTHUR calls the KNIGHTS together to climb a
cutout mountain which slides on.)
ENSEMBLE
AH!
AH!
AH!
FIND YOUR GRAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL
KNIGHTS (EXCEPT ARTHUR)
35
(They descend the mountain only to turn and scamper back, handing their
beacons to PATSY. ARTHUR remains at the top of the mountain as he speaks
the next verse.The KNIGHTS all ride their horses in slow-motion as he intones
the words seriously.)
(Spoken in rhythm)
WHEN YOUR LIFE
SEEMS TO DRIFT
WHEN WE ALL
NEED A LIFT
TRIM YOUR SAIL
YOU WON'T FAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL
(Sings)
LIFE IS REALLY UP TO YOU
YOU MUST CHOOSE WHAT TO PURSUE
SET YOUR MIND ON WHAT TO FIND
ARTHUR
LADY OF THE LAKE
AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN'T DO
YOU CAN'T DO!
KNIGHTS & LADY
WOMEN AND MEN
SO KEEP RIGHT
AH
TO THE END
YOU'LL FIND
YOUR GOAL MY FRIEND
AH
YOU WON'T FAIL
FIND YOUR GRIAL
FIND YOUR GRAIL
AH
AH
AH
36
SO KEEP RIGHT
TO THE END
FIND YOUR FRIEND
ALL
FIND YOUR GRAIL!
#11A IN SEARCH OF THE GRAIL
(The KNIGHTS break into a tight riding group with ARTHUR in front as two
other KNIGHTS alternately bring on labeled buckets which they empty over
the group.)
Spring!
KNIGHT 1
(Empties pink blossoms over them)
KNIGHT 2
Summer!
(Empties green leaves over them)
KNIGHT 1
Winter!
(Empties snow over them)
KNIGHT 2
Water!
(The KNIGHTS object and shove him away. A painted cyclorama unrolls a series
of landscapes that provide a backdrop for our KNIGHTS to ride by, to the
appropriate music cue. ARTHUR and PATSY are in China. LANCE is sideways in
Egypt before a pyramid. ROBIN, with a ukulele, is in Hawaii before a volcano.
GALAHAD does a Swiss lederhosen dance in front of snow capped mountains.
Finally the two bucket KNIGHTS enter from opposite sides and sweep the
stage clear of scattered debris. They stare at the audience totally disinterested.)
37
SCENE TEN
THE FRENCH CASTLE
(KING ARTHUR and his KNIGHTS arrive at the foot of the castle, and dismount.)
Halt! Hello! Hello!
ARTHUR
(The TAUNTER, a silly mustachioed Frenchman, appears in the battlements of
the castle.)
'Allo! Who is it?
TAUNTER 1
ARTHUR
It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?
TAUNTER 2
This is the castle of my master, Guy de Lombard!
ARTHUR
Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and
shelter for the night he may join us on our quest for the Holy Grail.
TAUNTER 1
Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see?
ARTHUR
What?
GALAHAD
He says they've already got one!
ARTHUR
Are you sure he's got one?
Oh, yes, it's very nice.
TAUNTER 2
38
(Aside)
Hey! I told him we already got one!
TAUNTER 2 (CONT’D)
(The FRENCH GUARDS titter in mirth. We see only their helmets nodding in
glee.)
Tee-hee.
Well, can we come in and have a look?
Of course not! You are English bed-wetting types!
Well, what are you then?
GUARDS
ARTHUR
TAUNTER 1
ARTHUR
TAUNTER 2
We’re French! Why do you think we have this outrageous accent, you silly king?
ARTHUR
If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take this castle by force!
TAUNTER 1
You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you,
so-called Arthur-king, you and all your silly English knnnniggets.
Now look here my good man!
ARTHUR
TAUNTER 1
I don't want to talk to you no more you empty-headed, animal-food-trough wipers!... I fart in your general
direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! Now go away or we shall taunt you
a second time.
Is there someone else we could talk to?
GALAHAD
39
TAUNTER 2
Hey, no chance, son of a window-dresser!
ARTHUR
I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God
himself has guided us!
TAUNTERS 1 & 2
Thppt (Blowing a Raspberry)
FRENCHIES
Thppt.
They're making rude noises, sir.
ROBIN
GALAHAD
The fiends. They haven't an ounce of chivalry.
TAUNTER 1
Now go away, you English bulldogs, I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing,
you cheesy lot of second-hand electric donkey bottom biters. Thppt!
What do we do, Bedevere?
ARTHUR
BEDEVERE
Well, I believe it's time for Plan B, Sire.
ARTHUR
And what is that?
BEDEVERE
Run away.
Run away!!!
ALL KNIGHTS
40
TAUNTER 2
French people!
#12 RUN AWAY
(A Group of FRENCHIES Enter as back up for the TAUNTERS, They can either
look like additional TAUNTERS or FRENCH PEOPLE - MEN with matelot shirts
and baguettes and berets, a PAINTER in a smock, a MIME and the GIRL FROM
"LES MISERABLES" in the raincoat and hat, all making appreciative Frenchsounding ad libs)
HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA
HA, HA, HA, HA, HA
FRENCHIES
YOU ENGLISH ARE ALL SILLY FOLK
YOUR MOTHERS ARE ALL RUGGER FOLK
YOUR ARMY IS A FUNNY JOKE
YOU COULDN'T BEAT AN ARTICHOKE
IF BATTLE YOU CHOOSE TO RENEW
WE'LL TAUNT YOU TILL YOU ALL TURN BLUE
WE TURN OUR BUMS UP AS YOU PART
IN YOUR DIRECTION WE ALL FART
BRITS
Run away!
(The ENGLISH run, the FRENCHIES chase after them)
ALL
RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY
RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN AWAY!
(The ENGLISH scatter and the FRENCHIES run off after them, leaving the 3 HISTORIANS on stage, with transition
to the next scene.)
41
SCENE ELEVEN
THE THEATER
(The HISTORIANS enter.)
#12A THE VERY EXPENSIVE FOREST
HISTORIAN 1
Defeat, at the castle, seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur.
HISTORIAN 2
The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise. King Arthur and his Knights fled from the
Castle.
HISTORIAN 3
During a very quick but intense storm the Knights were scattered and lost in a dark,,,and very expensive forest.
(The HISTORIANS exit with the transition to next scene as the very expensive
forest appears.)
42
SCENE TWELVE
A VERY EXPENSIVE FOREST
(KING ARTHUR rides in with PATSY)
ARTHUR
This is a total disaster! All my Knights are missing and we're lost in a dark and extremely expensive forest.
Well, it could be worse.
How could it possibly be worse?
PATSY
ARTHUR
VOICE
Ni!
ARTHUR
Oh, no.
VOICE
Ni!
VOICES
Ni Peng! Ni Wom! Ni.
(The KNIGHTS OF NI wear furry cloaks and distinctive helmets with huge
antlers. THE PRINCIPAL KNIGHT OF NI stands on stilts, hidden by his long
robe. He carries a staff with an owl's head to support himself.)
ARTHUR
Who are you?
NI KNIGHT
We are the Knights Who Say… Ni!
No! Not the Knights Who Say Ni!
ARTHUR
43
NI KNIGHT
The same! We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni Peng, and Ni-wom!
VOICE
Ni-wom!
ARTHUR
Those who hear these words seldom live to tell the tale!
PATSY
Oh, great.
NI KNIGHT
The Knights Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!
ARTHUR
Oh, Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers lost in these woods.
Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
NI KNIGHT
ARTHUR
Oh, ow!
NI KNIGHT
We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.
Well, what is it that you want?
We want… a shrubbery!
A shrubbery! A shrubbery!
ARTHUR
NI KNIGHT
NI KNIGHTS
44
Where are we going to find a shrubbery?
ARTHUR
NI KNIGHT
If you do not find us a shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with… a herring.
(The KNIGHT produces a large herring from his costume.)
NI KNIGHTS
A Herring! Herring! Herring!
(PATSY and ARTHUR exchange glances)
All right. We'll find you a shrubbery.
ARTHUR
NI KNIGHT
Good! You must return here with a lovely shrubbery or else you will never pass through this wood alive!
(The KNIGHTS OF NI all exit, saying, “Ni!” as ARTHUR and PATSY cower.)
Where are we going to find a shrubbery?
Well, maybe we can build one? Out of cats.
ARTHUR
PATSY
ARTHUR
Don't be ridiculous. Where are we going to find cats? This is a total disaster. You think it would be easy: one,
round up a bunch of knights; two, seek and find the Holy Grail; and five…
PATSY
Three, sir.
#13 ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE
Three, go home. But no. I'm so depressed.
ARTHUR
45
Cheer up, Sire. You know what they say…
What do they say, Patsy?
PATSY
ARTHUR
PATSY
SOME THINGS IN LIFE ARE BAD,
THEY CAN REALLY MAKE YOU MAD.
OTHER THINGS JUST MAKE YOU SWEAR AND CURSE.
WHEN YOU'RE CHEWING ON LIFE'S GRISTLE,
DON'T GRUMBLE, GIVE A WHISTLE!
AND THIS'LL HELP THINGS TURN OUT FOR THE BEST...
AND...
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!
(Whistles)
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF LIFE...
(Speaks)
You try it...
(ARTHUR fails to whistle)
PATSY (CONT'D)
(Sings)
IF LIFE SEEMS JOLLY ROTTEN,
THERE'S SOMETHING YOU'VE FORGOTTEN!
AND THAT'S TO LAUGH AND SMILE AND DANCE AND SING,
WHEN YOU'RE FEELING IN THE DUMPS,
DON'T BE SILLY CHUMPS,
JUST PURSE YOUR LIPS AND WHISTLE, THAT'S THE THING!
AND…
(A chorus line of KNIGHTS enter singing and whistling. They are a part of
ARTHUR and PATSY’S dream sequence.)
PATSY & KNIGHTS
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE...
(Whistles)
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF LIFE...
(Whistles)
46
KNIGHT 1
(The KNIGHTS sing back-up "Ooos")
FOR LIFE IS QUITE ABSURD,
AND DEATH'S THE FINAL WORD.
KNIGHT 2
YOU MUST ALWAYS FACE THE CURTAIN WITH A BOW!
KNIGHT 3
FORGET ABOUT YOUR SIN — GIVE THE AUDIENCE A GRIN,
ENJOY IT — IT'S YOUR LAST CHANCE ANYHOW!
(It begins to rain heavily. PATSY runs and picks up an umbrella which he holds
over ARTHUR'S head.)
ARTHUR
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF DEATH!
(Whistles)
CHORUS
ARTHUR
JUST BEFORE YOU DRAW YOUR TERMINAL BREATH.
(Whistles)
CHORUS
ARTHUR
LIFE CAN BE THE PITS
WHEN YOU LOOK AT IT
LIFE'S A LAUGH AND DEATH'S A JOKE, IT'S TRUE
PATSY
YOU'LL SEE IT'S ALL A SHOW
KEEP 'EM LAUGHING AS YOU GO
(ARTHUR grabs PATSY's umbrella)
47
ARTHUR
JUST REMEMBER THAT THE LAST LAUGH IS ON YOU!
KNIGHTS
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE...
(Whistle)
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF LIFE
(Whistle)
(PATSY and the KNIGHTS go into a Tap Break with the umbrellas.)
PATSY & KNIGHTS
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE...
(Whistle)
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF LIFE...
(KNIGHTS exit the dream portion as PATSY AND ARTHUR continue.)
PATSY
Follow me, Sire!
PATSY & ARTHUR
FOR LIFE IS QUITE ABSURD
AND DEATH'S THE FINAL WORD
YOU MUST ALWAYS FACE THE CURTAIN WITH A BOW
(MRS. GALAHAD enters pulling a small low cart with a shrubbery on it.)
Excuse me, is that a shrubbery?
ARTHUR
MOTHER
Yes, I was just throwing it out; the cat won't leave it alone.
ARTHUR
What a stroke of luck! I'll take it off your hands. Thank you, Patsy!
48
ARTHUR & PATSY
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE...
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT
SIDE OF LIFE…
SIDE OF LIFE…
SIDE OF LIFE...!
(PATSY and ARTHUR end triumphantly and then exit hurriedly holding their
shrubbery with transition to the next scene.)
49
SCENE THIRTEEN
ANOTHER PART OF THE VERY EXPENSIVE FOREST
# 14 BRAVE SIR ROBIN
(SIR ROBIN, with four MINSTRELS, enters MINSTRELS “ playing” fife, lute,
tambourine and tabor. They skip and dance downstage, ROBIN'S smile
freezing fast as he listens to the lyrics.)
MINSTREL 1
BRAVELY BOLD SIR ROBIN, RODE FORTH FROM CAMELOT
HE WAS NOT AFRAID TO DIE, O BRAVE SIR ROBIN
HE WAS NOT AT ALL AFRAID TO BE KILLED IN NASTY WAYS
BRAVE, BRAVE, BRAVE, BRAVE SIR ROBIN!
MINSTREL 2
HE WAS NOT IN THE LEAST BIT SCARED
TO BE MASHED INTO A PULP,
OR TO HAVE HIS EYES GOUGED OUT, AND HIS ELBOWS BROKEN
TO HAVE HIS KNEECAPS SPLIT, AND HIS BODY BURNED AWAY,
AND HIS LIMBS ALL HACKED AND MANGLED, BRAVE SIR ROBIN!
MINSTREL 1
HIS HEAD SMASHED IN AND HIS HEART CUT OUT,
AND HIS LIVER REMOVED AND HIS EARS PULLED OFF,
AND HIS NOSTRILS RIPPED AND HIS BOTTOM BURNED OFF,
AND HIS EYE BALLS SPLIT AND HIS…
(ROBIN puts his finger firmly on the tambourine)
ROBIN
That's… enough music for now, lads.
[SFX: LOUD Clap of Thunder]
ROBIN (CONT’D)
OOOOOH!
50
(ROBIN runs from the thunder) After a beat his MUSICIANS pursue him,
singing.)
BRAVE SIR ROBIN RAN AWAY!
BRAVELY RAN AWAY, AWAY
MINSTREL 1&2
LET US PRAISE THAT MAN ALL DAY
WHO SOILED HIS PANTS AND THEN RAN AWAY…
WHEN DANGER REARED ITS UGLY HEAD,
HE SIMLPY SOILED HIMSELF INSTEAD
51
SCENE FOURTEEN
ANOTHER PART OF THE VERY EXPENSIVE FOREST
(ARTHUR enters with PATSY holding the Shrubbery. ROBIN enters from the
opposite side)
ARTHUR
Robin! There you are!! Are you running away from something?
ROBIN
No, no, Sire, I was not running away. I was running…to…where I thought the Grail might be… Sort of over
here.
(The KNIGHT OF NI has slipped on and scares him.)
NI KNIGHT
Hello!
Ah!
ROBIN
(ROBIN holds his pants. There may have been another accident.)
So I come again, unexpectedly!
You fool, that really scared me, it is so…
Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
Don't say that word.
What word?
NI KNIGHT
ROBIN
KNIGHTS
HEAD KNIGHT
ROBIN
HEAD KNIGHT
I cannot tell. Suffice to say that's one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear.
52
ROBIN
How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
KNIGHTS
Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! He said the word again!
ARTHUR
What? Is?
HEAD KNIGHT
No, not is – you wouldn't get very far in life not saying is.
ARTHUR
Oh, stop it!
KNIGHTS
Aaaaugh!
Stop saying the word!
Is it stop?
Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT
ROBIN
KNIGHTS
HEAD KNIGHT
Oh, you said it again! Oh, I just said it! Oh I said it again! Oh, that's three times I've said it!
(ARTHUR grabs the shrubbery from PATSY)
ARTHUR
O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery.
Oooooo….
NI KNIGHTS
53
May we pass now?
ARTHUR
HEAD KNIGHT
Hm. That is a good shrubbery. I like the cat smell particularly. But there is one small problem.
ARTHUR
And what is that?
HEAD KNIGHT
We are now... no longer The Knights Who Say Ni.
OTHERS
Ni!
HEAD KNIGHT
Shh shh. We are now The Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-f'tang-f'tang- boing-boing-olé biscuit barrel…
(etc. ad lib) Therefore, we must give you a new test.
ARTHUR
What is this test, O Knights of Ecky ecky… O Artists formerly known as The Knights Who Say Ni?
HEAD KNIGHT
The new test is you must put on a Broadway musical.
Oh, yes!
But not an Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Ahhh. No. No.
ROBIN
HEAD KNIGHT
ALL
HEAD KNIGHT
C'mon, let’s go book seats on the web. (Exits with all Ni Knights.)
54
NI KNIGHTS (EXITING)
Ecky, ecky, F'tang, F'tang…
ARTHUR
Have you heard of this Broadway?
ROBIN
Yes, Sire, and we don't stand a chance.
Why not?
ARTHUR
(ROBIN steps toward the audience)
ROBIN
Because Broadway…
#14A BROADWAY UNDERSCORE
… is a very special place, filled with very special people; people who can sing and dance, often at the same
time. They are, a multi-talented people, a people who need people, who are in many ways the luckiest people in
the world. I'm sorry, Sire, but we don't have a chance.
Well, there must be something we can do?
ARTHUR
ROBIN
Well, let me put it like this. Every show needs a leading lady, a star, a diva, a theatrical force that sings and
dances and acts?
Where will ever find that?
It’s Hopeless…
ROBIN
ARTHUR
[SFX: LOUDEST Clap of Thunder]
(ROBIN is terrified beyond belief and runs away as ARTHUR and PATSY bolt in
the opposite direction with transition the next scene.
55
SCENE FIFTEEN
THE THEATER
(An irate LADY OF THE LAKE, in a dressing gown storms on. She snaps her
fingers for her spotlight)
#15 WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY PART?
LADY OF THE LAKE
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY PART?
IT WAS EXCITING AT THE START
NOW WE'RE ALMOST THORUGH PART TWO
AND I HAVE NO MORE LINES TO SAY
I'VE BEEN OFF STAGE FOR FAR TOO LONG
IT'S AGES SINCE I HAD A SONG
THIS IS ONE UNHAPPY DIVA
THE PRODUCER'S A DECEIVER
SHE TOLD ME TO BELIEVE HER
THERE IS NOTHING I CAN SING FROM MY HEART.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY PART?
I AM SICK OF MY CAREER
ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR
UP TO HERE WITH FRUSTRATION CATCH MY DRIFT?
I’VE NO GRAMMY, NO REWARDS
I’VE NO TONY AWARDS
I’M CONSTANTLY REPLACED BY TAYLOR SWIFT
TAYLOR SWIFT!
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY SHOW?
I WAS A HIT NOW I DON'T KNOW
I'M WITH A BUNCH OF BRITISH KNIGHTS
PRANCING 'ROUND IN WOOLY TIGHTS!
I MIGHT AS WELL GO GET SOME GRUB
THEY'VE BEEN OUT SEARCHING FOR A SHRUB
OUT SHOPPING FOR A BUSH
WELL THEY CAN KISS MY TUSH
IT SEEMS TO ME THEY'VE REALLY LOST THE PLOT
56
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY
I SWEAR I'LL CALL MY AGENT
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY
NOT YOURS NOT YOURS
BUT MY PART!
(A large bouquet lands on stage at her feet and she takes them and exits
happily. Blackout.)
57
SCENE SIXTEEN
YET ANOTHER PART OF THE VERY EXPENSIVE FOREST
(ARTHUR and PATSY take stock of the situation.)
ARTHUR
How are we going to put on a Broadway show with out a leading lady? Broadway's a thousand years in the
future in a country that hasn't yet been discovered. So let me get this straight. I'm a King, without a single
knight to command. There's nobody. I'm absolutely alone.
#16 I'M ALL ALONE
(Sings)
I'M ALL ALONE
ALL BY MYSELF
THERE IS NO ONE HERE BESIDE ME
ARTHUR
(PATSY looks puzzled. There is him.)
I'M ALL ALONE
QUITE ALL ALONE
NO ONE TO COMFORT ME OR GUIDE ME
WHY IS THERE NO ONE HERE WITH ME
ON THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD?
TO LIFT MY HEAVY LOAD
(PATSY looks at his heavy load)
IF THERE WAS SOMEONE HERE WITH ME
HOW HAPPY I WOULD BE…
(ARTHUR stares at PATSY and may be about to recognize him. But no.)
BUT I'M ALONE
SO ALL ALONE
JUST BY MYSELF I'M ALL ALONE
58
I'M ALL ALONE
HE'S ALL ALONE
ALL BY MYSELF
EXCEPT FOR ME
I CANNOT FACE TOMORROW
HE CANNOT FACE IT!
ARTHUR (CONT’D)
PATSY
ARTHUR
PATSY
ARTHUR
PATSY
ARTHUR
I'M ALL ALONE
PATSY
THOUGH I AM HERE
ARTHUR
SO ALL ALONE
SO VERY NEAR
NO ONE TO SHARE MY SORROW
BUT I'M ALONE
OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT
SO ALL ALONE
PATSY
ARTHUR
PATSY
ARTHUR
59
PATSY
I’M ALL YOU GOT
ARTHUR
ALL BY MYSELF I'M ALL ALONE
(The stage fills with dreamy KNIGHTS & LADIES & Ensemble, which ARTHUR
never sees.)
HE'S ALL ALONE!
PATSY & KNIGHTS
ARTHUR
I'M ALL ALONE
ALL BY HIMSELF
PATSY & KNIGHTS
ARTHUR
ALL BY MYSELF
THERE IS NO ONE HERE BESIDE HIM
HE'S ALL ALONE
PATSY & KNIGHTS
ARTHUR
SO ALL ALONE
PATSY & KNIGHTS
APART FROM US
NO ONE TO COMFORT HIM OR GUIDE HIM
ARTHUR
(KNIGHTS sing background "ooo's")
EACH ONE OF US IS ALL ALONE
SO WHAT ARE WE TO DO
IN ORDER TO GET THROUGH?
60
(KNIGHTS and ensemble drift-off, exiting as song ends.)
ARTHUR (CON’T)
WE MUST BE LONELY SIDE BY SIDE
IT'S A PERFECT WAY TO HIDE
KNIGHTS
WE'RE ALL ALONE
ARTHUR
WE'RE ALL ALONE
KNIGHTS
YES, ALL ALONE
ARTHUR
SO ALL ALONE
EACH BY OURSELVES
WE'RE ALL…ALONE
#17 THE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS – REPRISE
(The LADY OF THE LAKE appears.)
LADY OF THE LAKE
But you're not alone Arthur. Haven't you noticed? I've been with you all the time. Who gave you the sword?
Who made you King? Who welcomed you to Camelot? Who helped you off on your
Quest?
(ARTHUR realizing it was she.)
Sure, I've been offstage for far too long, but I am here to help you and I always have been.
Patsy, I'm not alone.
No, sir.
The Lady of the Lake has been with me all the time.
ARTHUR
PATSY
ARTHUR
61
LADY OF THE LAKE
And so has Patsy.
ARTHUR
Ah, yes, but… Patsy's family.
LADY OF THE LAKE
You see, Arthur dear, we're all here to help each other.
ARTHUR
You really mean you can help me put on a Broadway show?
Yes. You're in a Broadway show.
LADY OF THE LAKE
(Sparkling stage effect. ARTHUR looks out at the audience.)
ARTHUR
Oh, my.
LADY OF THE LAKE
You've been in a Broadway show all the time.
ARTHUR
Oh. Who knew?
Did you know?
(To audience)
AUDIENCE
YES!
ARTHUR (CONT’D)
Oh! So now what?
LADY OF THE LAKE
Well, you have to finish the show. It is a musical, so you have to find the Grail and end with a big musical
number.
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But who can we find to be our leading lady?
ARTHUR
LADY OF THE LAKE
Well, it would have to be someone who was incredibly talented, who loved you and cared for you enough to
give you a sword, to make you King, to welcome you to Camelot, to help you off on your quest…
(ARTHUR is a little slow off the mark. PATSY whispers in his ear.)
ARTHUR
You?
LADY OF THE LAKE
Oh, that's an idea.
ARTHUR
But I thought you were a fairy?
LADY OF THE LAKE
That’s Peter Pan, we can do that show next year.
ARTHUR
And you would consent to being my leading lady, not just in this show but… in my life?
LADY OF THE LAKE
Are you asking me…?
ARTHUR
Are you saying yes?
LADY OF THE LAKE
Oh, Arthur.
(They embrace. They lean in for a kiss and suddenly turn away to sing.)
ARTHUR & LADY OF THE LAKE
TWICE IN EVERY SHOW
THERE COMES A SONG LIKE THIS
IT STARTS OFF SOFT AND LOW
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AND ENDS UP WITH A KISS
OH THIS IS THE SCENE THAT ENDS LIKE THIS!
(The missing NIGHTS return and surround AUTHUR)
LADY OF THE LAKE
Arthur are you ready to finish what you set out to do? It wasn’t easy but I found your knights, now go find the
Grail, and when you do, I'll be there, waiting for you. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.
(Lights transition with music as the KNIGHTS are reunited.)
#18 COCOANANIGANS!
(ARTHUR rides away empowered as she waves farewell. The KNIGHTS re-enter
immediately clicking coconuts and doing parody dances of famous
choreography to underscore. They exit and re-enter. Ultimately, they end up
with "West Side Story.”)
[SFX: Thunder and lightning]
(TIM, a strange figure with curling ram’s horn headgear and long pointy
fingers flies in, holding a fire stick. With transition the the next scene, he
hovers in the air as the thunder rattles around. He has a broad Scottish
accent.)
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SCENE SEVENTEEN
THE CAVE OF THE KILLER RABBIT
(A small cutout mound, decorated with daisies and skulls. The KNIGHTS, with
servant BORS, gather.)
TIM
Greetings!
ARTHUR
What manner of man are you that hovers in the air without string or visible supporting device?
I am an enchanter.
By what name are you known?
TIM
ARTHUR
TIM
There are some who call me… Tim.
Wow. Tim. What a really scary name.
ROBIN
[SFX: Clap of thunder]
Greetings, O Tim.
Greetings, King Arthur!
You know my name.
I do. You seek the Holy Grail.
ARTHUR
TIM
ARTHUR
TIM
ARTHUR
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You know much that is hidden, O, Tim.
TIM
Quite! Next to me… lies the cave of Caerbannog, wherein carved upon the very living rock, there be a clue
which shall lead ye directly to your goal.
ARTHUR
Super. So straight on…
TIM
But think well before you step into this cave, for the entrance way is guarded by a beast so foul, so cruel, no man
yet has fought this evil beast and lived. So be you warned brave knights, for death awaits you all with nasty
great big pointy teeth!
[SFX: Clap of thunder]
ARTHUR
Come on!
TIM
Wait! Too late! There it is!
ARTHUR
Where?
TIM
There!
What, behind the rabbit?
ARTHUR
TIM
It is the rabbit!
(A fluffy white rabbit hand puppet pops up over the mound and innocently
nibbles.)
You silly bloke! You got us all worked up!
ARTHUR
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TIM
Look this is no ordinary rabbit. This is the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.
What's he do, nibble your bum?
ROBIN
TIM
This rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide. It's a killer!
ROBIN
You fool! I almost soiled my armor, you got me so scared!
Look, I'm warning you!
Alright, Bors! Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
TIM
ARTHUR
BORS
Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew coming right up!
Aaaugh!
My!
(An ARMORED KNIGHT with visor down and sword drawn walks forward to the
RABBIT. The rabbit is thrown over the mound. BORS drops his sword and
catches it, holding it to his neck--as if it is biting him. He releases his prop
head which flies off and fabric blood falls out of his neck. As he drops dead he
flings the rabbit back over the mound or simply have the RABBIT attack him,
with a wild fight)
ARTHUR
(The RABBIT appears over the mound, triumphantly, revealing great bloody
red teeth.)
TIM
Not so brave now, is he? I warned you. Oh, but, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny,
isn't it?
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TIM (CONT’D)
Well, it's always the same folks, I always tell them, but they never, ever, ever listen.
(TIM'S waves his hands in a magical way and EXITS the way he came)
ARTHUR
We'd better not risk another assault. That Rabbit is dynamite.
BEDEVERE
Well, we have the Holy Hand Grenade.
#18A THE HOLY HAND GRENADE
ARTHUR
Of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him!
Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
(BROTHER MAYNARD enters with the Holy Hand
Grenade. A cowled MONK enters holding the Holy Hand Grenade in a box.)
How does it work, Brother?
PATSY
MAYNARD
The Book of Armaments, Chapter One, Verses Nine through twenty-seven. "And Saint Attila raised the holy hand
grenade up on high, saying, 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with
it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.'
Skip a bit, Brother.
ARTHUR
(BROTHER MAYNARD dumbly skips. ARTHUR raises his eyes and points to the
Bible.)
MAYNARD
"And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no
less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the
counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed
to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be
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MAYNARD (CONT’D)
reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight,
shall snuff it.'" Amen.
ALL
Amen.
One… two… five!
BEDEVERE
Three, sir.
ARTHUR
Three!
(ARTHUR throws the Holy Hand Grenade at the mound.)
[SFX: Explosion]
(The grass mound falls forward revealing rock with the carved message: DC.)
BEDEVERE
Behold, Sire, the clue. DC.
DC? That's a bit cryptic isn't it?
Perhaps it’s a location – Washington DC?
ARTHUR
BEDEVERE
ARTHUR
They can’t expect us to travel to Washington DC right now?
We can take AMTRAK and be back in no time.
We didn’t travel this far to get on a train.
LANCELOT
BEDEVERE
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Could DC mean Disney Channel?
I certainly hope not.
But Sire, maybe it’s a location after all.
Well, it could be, but where exactly?
GALAHAD
ARTHUR
BEDEVERE
ARTHUR
BEDEVERE
Maybe there is a location…right here somewhere…called DC.
DC!! DOWN CENTER.
ARTHUR
(They cheer like Arthur is a genius and then are stare straight into the
audience.)
It's probably right under our feet.
GALAHAD
#18B HAND OF GOD
ARTHUR
(Prays)
O Lord, we are a bit stumped on the clue thing and we beseech thee to give us a hand.
(A large finger of God descends, pointing down into the audience.)
Of course. It is in the audience. DC! Down Center! Front row center!
(PATSY runs into the audience and asks a PATRON to stand, cleverly
discovering a Grail!.)
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PATSY
It's you! Stand up, peasant. Oh, look, Sire! We have found the Grail.
BEDEVERE
How very clever. It was through the Fourth Wall.
ARTHUR
Of course the Grail will always be found in the hearts of all those who gather together and believe in it.
ARTHUR
People of [local city], let us all give thanks to the Peasant who has helped us find the Holy Grail here in [local
town)]. So now we can finish with our Broadway show!
#19 FINALE (PART 1)
(LADY OF THE LAKE appears in a blue [trick] dress, through downstage right
doorway)
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Oh, wow, Lady, you look amazing… wait, I can't just call you Lady. Do you have a name?
Everybody has a name, Arthur.
LADY OF THE LAKE
ARTHUR
What is yours?
My name is… Guinevere.
LADY OF THE LAKE
(Everyone is startled)
KNIGHT
Oh!.
(The KNIGHTS exit)
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ARTHUR
Guinevere, will you spend the rest of your life in Broadway musical bliss with me?
Let me think about that. I'd love to.
LADY OF THE LAKE (GUINEVERE)
(ARTHUR and GUINEVERE kiss and walk arm in arm upstage as the Portcullis
rises to reveal The Ride Up Wedding Chapel on
the Vegas Camelot set. They exit through the white swing doors of the
Gateway with the transition to the next scene.)
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SCENE EIGHTEEN
THE THEATER
#19A. FINALE (PART 2)
HISTORIAN 1
So you see it's all a show. Happy ending and all, and that just makes me want… to sing… Ah
(Historian 1 takes a big breath like they are going to sing when Historian 2
jumps in and sings the first solo, Historian 1 looks confused and annoyed)
WHEN YOU'RE LOST
ON LIFE'S TRAIL
AND YOU FEEL
DOOMED TO FAIL
DO NOT FAIL
HISTORIAN 2
HISTORIANS 1 & 3
ENSEMBLE
SET YOUR SAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL
THAT'S YOUR GRAIL
HISTORIANS
(Enter ROBIN.)
#19B FINALE (PART 3)
And I too have found my Grail.
ROBIN
ALL
What's that?
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ROBIN
Musical theatre!
YOU CAN SING
YOU CAN DANCE
LANCELOT
AND YOU WON'T SOIL YOUR PANTS
YOU WONT FAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL
BOTH (ROBIN/LANCELOT)
#19C FINALE (PART 4)
(PATSY and BEDEVERE enter with tambourines.
enter ARTHUR and GUINEVERE.)
CHORUS
HALLELUJAH! A BROADWAY ENDING!
ARTHUR & GUINEVERE
SO BE STRONG
HERE COMES THE STAR!
KEEP RIGHT ON
CHORUS
ARTHUR & GUINEVERE
CHORUS
HERE COMES HER MAN!
ARTHUR & GUINEVERE
TO THE END OF YOUR SONG
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HALLELUJAH!
FIND YOUR GRAIL
FIND YOUR MALE
DRESSED IN MAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL
CHORUS
GUINEVERE
ARTHUR
CHORUS
SING HALLELUJAH!
THEY FOUND THEIR GRAIL!
LIFE IS REALLY UP TO YOU
YOU MUST CHOOSE WHAT TO PURSUE
A BROADWAY ENDING!
SET YOUR MIND ON WHAT TO FIND
ARTHUR
CHORUS
GUINEVERE
ARTHUR & GUINEVERE
AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN'T DO
ALL
GO AND FIND YOUR GRAIL
ARTHUR & GUINEVERE
SO KEEP RIGHT
CHORUS
AH SO KEEP RIGHT
TO THE END
TO THE END
YOU'LL FIND
YOUR GOAL, MY FRIEND
THEN THE PRIZE
AH FIND YOUR FRIEND
AH
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ARTHUR & GUINEVERE (CONT’D)
CHORUS (CONT’D)
YOU WON'T FAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL
AH
ALL
FIND YOUR GRAIL!
ALL
FOR THIS IS THE SHOW THAT ENDS LIKE THIS!
(Two hearts descend. Written on one "The" and "End" on the other.)
#20 BOWS (KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE)
(After the Curtain call the Company steps forward to encourage the audience
to sing…)
COMPANY
Everybody!
#21 ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE
(The lyrics are displayed for the audience to join in.)
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE...
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF LIFE...
IF LIFE SEEMS JOLLY ROTTEN
THERE'S SOMETHING YOU'VE FORGOTTEN
AND THAT'S TO LAUGH AND SMILE AND DANCE AND SING
WHEN YOU'RE FEELING IN THE DUMPS DON'T BE SILLY CHUMPS
JUST PURSE YOUR LIPS AND WHISTLE THAT'S THE THING
AND ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT…
[SFX: Loud bang]
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(Confetti cannon high up on either side of the stage scatter the audience with
golden confetti, or other effect.)
….SIDE OF LIFE….!
….SIDE OF LIFE….!
….SIDE OF LIFE….!
COMPANY BOW!
(COMPANY bow! Play off music)
THE END
#22 EXIT MUSIC
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