Unions Call Second Campus-wide Strike
By SETH ROSEN
In a move that stunned University officials, campus unions walked off their
Jobs for the second time in four months at midnight last .night in an effort to force
the University to sign a new labor contract. ,
"We'll stay out as long as it takes," library workers' AFSCME Local 590
President Howard Deck said Monday, "we're not playing games this time."
The walkout by nearly lOOOunionizedUniverslty employees began when a
Monday night meeting of Operating Engineers l/>cal 835 voted overwhelmingly
to walk off their jobs at midnight. Hastily called meetings of maintenance
workers' Local 1202 and AFSCME locals representing library and dining service
workers seconded the vote and led to the f ullscale strike.
The strike was called to protest the fact that contracts with University unions
have not been signed since their last strike ended November 30.
At that time, the unions agreed to a wage package that included a six percent
salary increase effective January 1. But the University has refused to pay that
increase until a new contract is signed.
University Labor Relations Director George Budd said Monday the University
has made "every effort" to draft a new contract, adding he was "flabbergasted"
by the union move.
Though he refused to give details, Budd said "various" problems concerning
"just about everything" have held up the signing of new contracts.
"I don't know what they want," personnel Director Gerald Robinson said, "we
don't have any more money to offer."
While none of those involved would say what remains to be negotiated in the
union contracts, questions concerning health insurance, grievance procedures
and job safety reportedly remain unsolved.
The University will be able to operated normally during the strike, Robinson
said, adding that "unlike last time supervisory personnel will be equipped to run
the dining service without union help."
While a court order which barred strikers from interfering with campus
deliveries and garbage collections during last October does not effect the current
walkout, University Counsel Steven Burbank said it will be "no problem" for the
University to obtain a new injunction.
However, Local 1202 President Charles King said the unions will go to any
lengths to make this strike effective. "Anybody that tries to get in our way better
be looking for trouble," King said. "Last time we took it easy and they sold us
down the river."
Last October 16, members of Local 835 voted overwhelmingly to walk off their
jobs. Other unions voted to join them, and the strike lasted 45 days.
The unions agreed to an 18-month contract that stipulated a 6 percent raise
January 1, a second 6 percent wage increase July 1 and a 2 percent increase
January 1, 1977.
Budd was difficult to reach Monday night i,fter the union vote. Though the
University administrator's voice could be heard clearly in the background, his
wife maintained he was not at home until the administrator broke down, saying
"whatdoyawant?"
Maintaining the University will refuse to negotiate with the unions as long as
they remain off their jobs, Budd said "enough is enough, I'm tired of all this
garbage."
Director of the Department of Physical Plan: Donald McAleer said he, too, is
"tired of garbage," adding, "executives won't be unloading those damn trucks
this time."
"If the students don't want to live in garbage," McAleer sneered, "let them
hang on the backs of those trucks. Three of my best men were out with hernias for
two months last time. No more."
The union meetings that called the strike were marked by repeated chanting
and a great deal of shouting. "835 is on the attack, we'll break Perm's fucking
back," one group repeated. Another shouted "pick axes not picket signs."
( outinucd on pc
Officials React with Shock
To Unexpected Walkout
By MARTIN SIEGEL
University officials expressed
complete shock and dismay at the
decision by campus unions to walk off
their jobs for the second time in four
months.
Caught completely off guard by the
first union walkout in October, administrators were again caught with
their pants down by the most recent
action.
"Eh, I just don't know what happened. I was flabbergasted. The whole
thing just shocked the hell out of me,"
President Martin Meyerson said
Monday.
Personnel
Director
Gerald
Robinson said "I just don't understand what they're after. We don't
have any more money. You can look
for yourself. The ole piggy bank's
empty. There just ain't any left.
"! was flabbergasted too," he added
Robinson announced that he,
Meyerson, and Labor Relations
Director George Budd will hold a
news conference this afternoon at 2
P.M in the Franklin Building lobby,
where they will all turn their pockets
inside out. "There'll be nothing in
there but lint," Robinson claimed.
Meyerson said he was unable to
explain the University's inability to
IConrtnued on page 5l
Lee Robman
A UNION WALKOUT again plagues the University, as 1000 workers voted last
night to call the second strike In four months to protest low wages and the
University's failure to sign a new contract.
Wtt Bath) IBmnstiliianian
»
'L
VOL. XCIINO. 12
T?
U
"5
-PHIIADELPHIA. TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 24,1976—
fimnrlrrf 1885
Copyright 1976 The Daily Pennsylvania!!
Overacceptance Mistake
Yields Largest Class Ever
WEST PHILADELPHIA HIGH SCHOOL has been purchased
by the University and will be converted Into an elite academy
for faculty children In an effort to attract faculty to the city,
The administration anticipates few fatalities.
University Eliminates Financial Aid
In Effort to Curtail Expenditures
By DANIEL M.AKST
The University, in what appears to
be a major re-ordering of priorities,
has decided to eliminate its financial
aid program at the end of this
semester, Financial Aid Director
George Koval said Monday.
The cutback is expected to save the
University at least $30 Million.
Despite the University's long
adherence to the Ivy Admissions
Agreement, which requires the Ivy
schools to evaluate students' applications for admission without
regard to financial status, financial
factors are now "of paramount importance in the admissions process,"
Dean of Admissions Stanley Johnson
declared Sunday. "We are primarily
interested in wealthy students now,"
he noted gleefully.
"I think it's a courageous step,"
Koval said. We had to do it. How else
can we keep this dump open? I may
lose a Job, but I could always go back
to football," Koval explained without
a trace of bitterness.
Provost Elliot Stellar explained
Monday that, according to a
University feasibility study conducted
by Work Study Director Chuck
Friedman, only "a minimum of
hardship" would result from the
elimination of student aid at the
University.
"According to our study, the
students at this University are a
bunch of fat cats," Friedman said.
"They eat too much and have too
many clothes."
Friedman suggested a number of
ways financial aid students who were
cut off might save money. "They don't
have to go to classes every semester.
Sometimes they can just buy the meal
plan, or perhaps simply rent a room
and take some books out of the
library. We have a very good
library."
Friedman also suggested a number
of alternative living arrangements
designed specifically to save money,
such as "the less expensive apartments a little further from campus,
around Fifty-Sixth Street, for
example. And there are a lot of vents
around, you know. Any one of them
would make a fine environment for
learning."
Stellar said the administration is
considering a proposal to admit some
students who can show the ability to
pay for only two or three years at the
University. "It's not always
necessary to get a degree," he said.
Friedman said there is another
proposal under consideration which
would allow faculty members to sell
(ConlinueJ on page ol
By CAROL HUTCHINSON
The largest freshman class in
University history, approximately
three million, will matriculate next
fall due to "an admissions error,"
Admissions Dean Stanley Johnson
tearfully announced Monday.
The error was traced to a computer
mix-up that resulted in everyone listed
in the Manhattan telephone directory
receiving an acceptance letter from
the University. Suspicions were
aroused and then confirmed in the
Admissions Office when two million
$50 deposits glutted the College Hall
mailbox.
"I don't know how it happened,"
Johnson mourned. "I guess we got our
wires crossed."
FAS Dean Vartan Gregorian said
Monday he was "elated" at the
unexpected turn of events, as he
joyously tossed $50 money orders into
the air. "This'll almost cover the FAS
deficit and my Faculty Club bill.
Three cheers for over-admission!" he
gloated with gregarious glee.
Johnson wept.
Meanwhile Psychology Professor
Paul Rozin laboriously and condescendingly read the list Of 200,000
Benjamin Franklin Scholars selected
for the Class of '80. Jacqueline Kennedy, Abraham Beame, Robert
Redford and Bob Dylan were cited for
"outstanding achievement" and are
among those slated to take General
Honors courses in the fall.
However, not all those accepted
decided to attend the University,
which Johnson described as
amazing" and a "decidedly unusual
occurrence." Specially admitted
scholar-athlete Joe Namath revealed
an inferiority complex, explaining he
didn't consider himself up to Franklin
Field standards and would attend
Penn State next year instead.
Penn State to Change Its Name;
Resents Constant Confusion With U.
By ED DeANGELO
State education officials have announced plans to change the name of
Penn Statt University because of
widespread confusion between the
state school and the University of
Pennsylvania.
"People think we're Penn," the
Penn State Director of Admissions
said Friday. "We can't get the kind of
applicants we want. What selfrespecting Cheerleader would apply
to a school in Philadelphia?"
Names under consideration are the
Benjamin Franklin University of
Penn State or Happy Valley State.
"Anything's better than Penn," Penn
State President John Oswald gasped
Monday. "Anythirv."
"I think a name change will be good
for student morale," Undergraduate
Student Government Presiden'
Seufer explained Monday. "I mean,
our football players tell people they go
to Penn and everybody asks them
how's their Anthro Department?"
The move to change the university's
name began a month ago when
enraged students wearing Lions' tshirts began picketing outside
Oswald's office.
"We're Lions and we're proud of
it," they chanted. A number of faculty
and administrators joined in the
demonstration, expressing concern
that the academic reputation of their
school was endangered by any confusion with Pennsylvania.
♦"We don't want people to think
we're sexist and overpriced and all
that," the president of the Faculty
Senate explained. "We don't want to
be known for our Anthro Department
We don't even want people to think
we're in the Ivy I-eague- not that they
do when they mix us up with Penn."
University officials responded to
Penn State's decision with surprise
and bitterness. "It's not that bad
being confused with us," Dean of
Admissions Stanley Johnson said. "I
mean, we're surviving- although we
do lose a lot of applicants to Happy
Valley."
"Of course." Johnson continued,
"we always have about one or two
football players a year who come to
me and want to sue us for deceptive
advertising. But listen, it's not my
fault they can't read the application.
Football coach Harry Gamble
echoed Johnson's complaint. "Listen,
even if they wind up here, it's not so
bad. We treat them OK If they went to
Penn State, they'd have to spend rr )
time studying."
Candice Bergen also indicated she
would not matriculate, noting the
education she received on the second
floor of Ashurst in the Quad during her
old days at the University was "more
than sufficient" for her needs.
To accommodate the large number
of diligent students lured away from
the educational center of Morningside
Heights, Gregorian announced
Monday a new department would be
added to the current FAS fare.
Registration is already open in the
new advanced Criminology Department for such courses as Mugging 1,
Strangulation 199 and Rape 250,
designed for those intermediate-level
rapists who have already had some
experience in their field.
Admissions office upheaval will
undoubtedly result from the error,
Region 1 (NortheastI Director John
Wineland said Monday. "Now we
have no need for Region 2 (Pennsylvania) and especially not Region 3
(the rest of the world). That's great—I
always hated Ted Lingenheld
anyway."
STANLEY JOHNSON
'Oops!'
Surgeon Blows Operation,
Reverses Patient's Gender
By EILEEN O'BRIEN
A 39-year-old resident of Brooklyn,
New York has filed an unprecedented
billion-dollar lawsuit against a
deceased University Hospital (HUP)
physician, charging malpractice,
negligence, and character defamation
stemming from an operation performed in the late 1960's.
The complaint was filed Monday in
U.S. District Court by lawyers for
Stella (a.k.a.) Stanley Trace, who
claims in the suit that the late Dr.
Robert Skoff "botched" a routine
hernia
operation,
rendering
"inoperative" Stanley's name and his
membership in his local YMCA.
One of those administrators, Health
Affairs Vice-President Thomas
Iangfitt, said Monday that Skoff was
"one of the finest surgeons it's been
my privilege to know," adding, "Bob
was an artist. And a perfectionist. He
never did anything halfway."
Although I-angfitt said it would be
improper for him to comment on the
Trace case until after it has been
heard, he confided. "I'm willing to bet
he's better off the way she is....er, the
way he's she...oh, you get the idea."
Attorney I-awrence Lirsch, who will
be representing Trace, insisted the
one billion dollars in compensatory
and punitive damages is not an
exorbitant figure, and expressed
confidence that his client will be
awarded the full amount by the jury.
"Of course, compensatory damages
won't amount to much—just a few
hundred for new clothes, and six
bucks for the Y card she paid for and
i-ouldn't use." lirsch admitted. "But
Stella wants kids, and she wants them
to have a Harvard education, and
after the jury sees what Penn did to
her, she'll get every penny she
needs."
Ms. Trace, contacted through
Husbands Anonymous in Brooklyn,
confessed that despite her legal
claims of humiliation, her change of
gender produced some unexpected
benefits. "My divorce was a snap
after that slip of the ol' knife," Stella
bubbled, "and I never get billed when
I use my old credit cards.
"Lucky- for me, women's lib came
along right about when I needed it,"
Ms. Trace continued. "I guess," she
reflected. "I've had the best of both
worlds."
Trace, who had to give up her job as
a bouncer at a truckers' bar after the
operation, says she's had a hard time
holding down jobs for the past several
years.
"They (prospective employers) are
only after one thing," she complained.
"Typists."
Spokesmen for Skoff's estate,
meanwhile, said the late surgeon's
statement regarding the bizarre
malpractice charge were recorded on
videotape before his untimely death in
an Arch Street massage parlor last
April. According to the spokesmen,
the Skoff tapes absolve him of all
charges of incompetence.
However, testimony from Skoff's
psychoanalyst is expected to cast a
shadow over the surgeon's sterling
reputation.
"He suffered from penis envy like
you wouldn't believe," according to
Dr. Sigmund Bowie of Vienna.
Tuesday, February 24,1976
Thp Daily Pennsylvania!!
Pa(je2
€AM»U% CVCNT*
TODAY
CHESS CLUB: rm. 1, 3rd ft., MH.. 7 12
P.M. Bring sets, clocks, boards. None
provided. Karl Dehmelt WA 3 9486
BICENNTENIAL COLLEGE LEC
TURE SERIES:
HH. 4:15 P.M.,
Sacvan Bercovitch, will speak on
"Why the Puritans
Began the
American Revolution and How They
Won It".
CONCERT BAND: Rehearsal
P.M., 511 Annenberg Center
6:00
STUDENT
STRUGGLE
FOR
SOVIET JEWRY: Letter writing to
Soviet Jews. 6:30. Hillel
FIGHTING
WITH
SIMULATED
MEDIEVAL WEAPONS: and armor
730 P.M.. HH Anyone interested in
weapons or armor welcome.
OUTING CLUB: Meeting 8:00 P.M.,
HH. Business and trip reports
discussed. Plans for backpacking,
hiking, climbing and canoeing.
GAYS AT PENN: Business meeting
7:30 P.M.. C.A., 2nd fl. lounge.
U. OF
P. ENERGY CENTER
presents a talk by Dr. Brian Butz and
Luclel Paris. Lecture will be on a
Utilities Conservation Program. 11
A.M., rm. 108, Towne Bldg.
DR. SCHUYLER CAMMANN: will
speak and show slides of his recent
trip
to
Yemen.
4:15
P.M.,
Phllomafhean Society, 4th College
Hall.
ALL THOSE INTERESTEU: In the
Investment Game
Instructional
meeting 11 A.M., Dietrich E8
UKRAINAIN STUDENT HROMADA
MEMBERS: Dr. Kohut will appear to
speak at the meeting to be held Wed ,
Feb. 25. 5 P M., HH, rm. 5.
PSYCH.
SERVICES
DEPT.:
Discussion
led
by
Dr.
Phillip
Miraglia, staff psychologist
at
HaVerford State Hospital, on "A
Psychologist's Role at a
State
Hospital." Stlteler Faculty Lounge.
12-1 (bring your lunch).
SEMINAR: "A Systems Approach to
the Institutional Problems Associated
with the Development and Utilization
of Natural Resources" by Dr. Harold
Spuhler, Feb. 25, Wed , Towne Bldg ,
Alumni Hall.
RUSSIAN
COFFEE
AND
TEA
HOUR: For all those Interested In
practicing spoken Russian. Tues. 46
P.M , Rm. 211, Lounge, Class of '25
Low Rise West.
ARMENIAN CLUB: Meeting 7 P.M ,
Grad Towers B 1003.
DEVELOPMENT
SPECIALIST
PROGRAM ADELPHI
UNIVER
SITY
Recruiter will speak with
students Mon.. March 1. Make ap
polntments at Career Advising and
Resources, 3533 Locust Walk.
PREVENTIVE
MEDICINE
PEOPLE: Meeting will be held 11
A.M., West Lounge If you can't make
the meeting leave a message for Mary
In 215 Leldy Labs.
FACULTY TEA CLUB: Meeting
Tues.. Feb. 24, 1:30 P.M.. Faculty
Club.
Speaker
Nancy
Cheng,
Bibliographer, E. Asian Collection,
Van Pelt Library to discuss and
demonstrate "The Art of Chinese
Cooking".
DIALOGUE
ON
THOUGHT
SEMINARS:
give
students op
portunlty to Interact with professors
on a weekend away from campus. Get
info Student Activities, 2nd fl., HH
TOMORROW
PRE LAW FRESHMEN: Career
Advising staff and 3rd yr. Penn Law
Student, Klmble Byrd, wants to meet
with pre law freshmen Thurs., Feb
26, 46 P.M., 3533 Locust Walk.
TRANSCENDENTAL MEDIATION:
Introductory lecture on T.M. will be
held Wed., evening 7:30 P.M.,
Students International Meditation
Society, 3905 Spruce St.
ATTENTION
PSYCHOLOGY
MAJORS: Meeting of Psych. SCUE
for new & old members. 7:30 P.M., HI
Rise North rm. 111.
EUGENE MC CARTHY 1976, In
terested? Urgent organizational and
operational meeting, Dietrich Hall,
rm. E 211, Wed.. 7:30. EV 2-4173.
YUGNTRUF YOUTH FOR YIDDISH
will have a meeting of Its Yiddish
reading and discussion group. Wed.
7:30 P.M., 3rd Fl., Hillel. Info VI 8
8967.
STUDENT COMMITTEE FOR THE
DISABLED: Meeting at 6:30 In HRE,
4th fl. lounge.
350.000 PHILADELPHIANS CANT
READ: You can help. Come to HI Rise
North Seminar Room. 7:30 P.M. for
more Info call PABEA EV 2 3700.
PENN UNION COUNCIL: Announces
auditions for the play "Fashion".
They will be held Wed. Feb. 25 from
7:00 10:30 P.M.. HH. 3417 Spruce St.
"LIFE IN THE SPIRIT". Seminar
7:30 P.M.. Newman Center. Seminar
for those wishing a deeper relation
ship with Christ in prayer
OFFICIAL
STEP ONE MEMBERS
Important
reminder please remember to contact
your teacher or your school co
ordlnator If you are not planning to
tutor this semester.
UNDERGRADUATE
ARTISTS:
Design the 1976 Ivy Stone. Win $25 and
make yourself immortal at Penn. Info
and instructions available at the
Student Activities Office, 2nd fl. HH.
Deadline Wed., March 10.
MAY 1976 FAS GRADUATES: Must
sign up for diploma by March 5 or
name will not be Included In official
list. Come to room 110 Logan Hall.
GSAC: Meeting Tues. 11
Franklin Rm.. 2nd fl. HH.
(If you can't tell whether these guys are idiots, you must be an idiot yourself!)
The Psychology Department is looking for idiots and non-idiots to participate in an
ongoing experiment. Special compensation for idiots-we'll take your law boards for you!
A.M.,
M'JSIC AT NOON : resumes this week
with Beth Bullard playing music for
renaissance and baroque flute.
Thurs., HH Bowl Room.
Sorry, non-idiots, we got all the non-idiots we needed from Princeton and Swartlimore.
To sign up. call 243-1 234 TODAY! Those are all low digits, so you should get it right
after only a few tries.
ciA%%iri»%
SPECTACULARS
Presents
Robert Klein
Plus Special Guest
Chanin Magician
Extraordinaire
At Irvine
Saturday March 6
At 8 P.M.
Tickets $4 And $5
On Sale Ihurs..
H.H. Tix. Agency
Luis Bunvel's
Phantom Of
Liberty
Wed. 7:30 & 10.00
Irvine Aud. $ I
i;,
.
H
Friday, 7:30 & 10:00
FRENCH
PART 2 0
Irvine
One Dollar
Friday Midnight
Shadow
Of A Doubt
Saturday
7:30 & 10:00
"— Jack Maria
Nicholson Schneider
.Anton ioni's
^Iassenger" _,».
United
•-••*•■
Artists
Irvine $1
Sat. Midnite Movie
Hitchcock's
THE BIRDS
FA B-l
Waiter Or
Waitresses
•*
•
50*
mmmmmmmm
Ushers
Meeting
All Interested In
Ushering
Spectaculars
Must Attend
""
IJUtt ^atlrj
University area
*c_>*
evening hours
CHESTNUT NEAR 43rd-7 rooms,
hall, 2 baths—$290—4 rooms, bath—
$175 June 1, Sept 1 leases. M042200 3429
:" ONE i 'BEDROOM
Tnis is not *" ad. idiots
must be experienced
i
APT LEFT!
for immediate occupancy
(200 apts of all sizes available for |
Sept. 1.)
:
• Freshly renovated • 3 room & tile bath
I
I wlin formica kitchen, sanded oak floors ;
; Light & airy. Laundry room. 42nd St.
•
:UNIVERSITY CITY HOUSING CO. •
; 382^98j
9M" A3 to 6_ .
APARTMENT
GUIDE
entire
Delaware Valley Including
UC.
Available Penn
Bookstore or 1st
Property Corp. 624 7100.
3544
Pine A 45th Streets—Spacious 1 and 2
bedroom apartments available im
mediately, fully equipped kitchens,
wall to wall carpeting, tile baths, AfC,
one apartment available at greatly
reduced rental in exchange for parttime
maintenance — resident
manager—Stolker and Co. 1500 Pine
Street— 732 5700.
3232
39th ft Pine to 42nd & Locust: 11 block
radius of superblock. Large eff.. 1-2-34 bedroom apts. June or Sept rentals
Reasonable. Day: EV2 1300 or BA2
6254 Night 684-3050.
3225
THE FINEST APARTMENTS
Now ranting for June and S«p* 3fth to 45th,
Pine to Walnut Renovated efflc, and 15 bdrm
Apts.
41
bdrm
townhouses.
some
exceptionally imaginative—tile oaths, new
Kitchens, with garbage disposals, our lull time
maintenance staff specializes >n quality
renovation work Call University City Housing
between 104 EVJ Ira*.
FOR SALE
FOR SALE —Two rectilinear III
Lowboy speakers. Less than year old,
like new. Originally $299 each. Will
sell for $300 pair Call 382 8931
3443
HELP WANTED
OVERSEAS JOBS—temporary or
permanent
Europe, Australia. S
America, Africa, etc. All fields. $500
$1200 monthly.
Expenses
paid,
sightseeing. Free info—Write:
In
ternatlonal Job Center, Dept. Pa Box
4490, Berkeley, CA. 94704.
3578
STUDENTS make money up to $95 per
wk—part time at home addressing
envelopes. Companies want that
"personal touch." For further in
formation regarding opportunities
with these companies, send $3 to
Phoenix Advertising. Box 11707,
Atlanta. Ga 30305
3433
LABORATORY
TECHNICIAN,
neurophysiology
experiments,
Huntingdon
Valley area, prefer
sophamore or junior maiorlng In
physiology or biology. 12 to IS hours
per week Contact Louise Muth 357
0777- 3445
SH8-2147
CAMPUS AGENT to sell student
tickets. Tours to Israel and Europe
High commission and bonus. Call
L039286.
3431
WANTED: Writer with flair! Writer
wanted to edit and retype written
manuscript adding paragraphing,
phrasing, spelling and grammar
corrections. Good idea for term paper
project. Call Larry: 1 345 8426.
3422
LOST & FOUND
^
""""
St. Irving s. The Fraternal Order fer JAPt, Will Hold its First
Meeting Tonight at 10:30 at Hie Bull and Barrel.
^wmegtoantair
tull or part-time
BEN FRANKLIN. Male chauvinist, or
champion
of
women's
sexual
liberation? Franklin's "Advice on the
Choice of a Mistress." Framable
poster. 81 J" by 14". Controversial
Hilarious! S3
Two for $5. Word
sworth. Dept. P., Rte. 2; Clinton, SC
29325.
3434
PACKAGE DEAL:
TTT buffalo
saddle, campy 26.4 seatpost, simplex
LJ derallleurs: $80. Also: 24" 531 DB
frame. English, carefully brazed
Best offer M04 3447.
3421
(Hitchcock)
FA B-l 50'
PC
TOWN HOUSES. Largest selection to
choose from In Univ. City. 50 houses in
vicinity of 39th & Spruce to 42nd &
Locust. Some are within a block
radius of super block. Large 5 to 12
bedrooms, 2 to 6 baths. Many are or
will be renovated, paneled, carpeted,
etc. Avail. June or Sept. Reasonable.
Day: EV2 1300 or BA2 6254. Night:
684 3050. Campus Apts 4043 Walnut
St
3226
And why are those idiots smiling? They believed us when we said we'd get them into law
school, that's why.
■ —
REWARD
FOR
RETURN
of
drawstring leather bracelet.
Sentimental value. EV 2 9882 or 243
8433. 3420
LOST: Thurs. 6 P.M. 3533 Locust
Walk. Set of Univ. Keys and black
string. Reward negotiable. 345
7159 3453
MISCELLANEOUS
EUROPE 76. Student
Teacher No
Frills. Charter Flights. Write: Global
Student Teacher Travel, 521 Fifth
Ave., New York. NY. 10017, Call 1212)
3793532.
3543
Copyright W76 the Daily Pennsylvanian. No
cart thereof may be reproduced in any form.
in whole or in part, without the express written
consent of the Business Manager
The Daily Pennsylvanian Is published
Monday through Friday at Philadelphia, Pa ,
during the fall and spring semesters, except
during examination aid vacation periods. One
issue published during graduation week and
one issue published n the summer Second
class postage
paid at
Philadelphia.
Pennsylvania 1*104.
Subscriptions may be ordered at the rate of
115 00 per academic year at 401S Walnut St .
Philadelphia. Pa. m04 Business phones:
(7151 743 650I News phones: (215) 2*3 ASM
Display and classified advertising may be
placed at the same address. Subscribers
should send change of address notification at
least three weeks in advance.
OF
48th & Chestnut Street
CALL GR 2-9930
Voted no. 1 by the Philadelphia Magazine
Now in paperback!
The five month nationwide
bestseller by the author
of Watership Down
electric factory concerts
presents .7!
miCHA JE5JL.
DaITJnFl.jT»HC3E-V
special guest
UQSsim [lEmEirrs
TMsFfiBpni
$4.50,5.50,6.50
RICHARD ADRlTlS
STORE FOR RENT. 225 S 45th St.
14500 Sq. Ft. Good for flower shop.
McCreesh. EV 6 4200
3411
FT. LAUOERDALE with Parthenon
Tours. March 20 28. Roundtrlp Bus &
Deluxe Room Only $143. Room & Bus
available separately. Call Larry
Sunday 9 to 5, Monday 9 to 3. 628
8268 3430
CRIMINAL JUSTICE volunteers
needed. Teach problem solving and
decision making skills In prison. If you
can work 8 hrs. a week, 12 weeks a
year, call CU9-0374 for Interviews.
Training starts Feb. 28 and 29.
3300
This Sot. /xpm
S4.50.5.5Q6.5O
SUPERTRflmP
ME
THE PULSE-POUNDING EPIC NOVEL OF A MAN.
A CIVILIZATION. AND THE POWER OF GOD
IN THE GREAT BEAR. SHARDIK.
$1.95
sot>manhS-7i30pm
W^FERBACK
$4.50.5.50,6.50
RIDES
RIDE NEEDED to Northeast (Caster
Ave. vicinity) Wednesday evenings
between 4:30 5:00 p.m. from 36th and
Walnut Call 243 7391, 243 6682
3423
TYPISTS
PROFESSIONAL
TYPIST.
Ex
perlenced, Master's and
Doctoral
Dissertations. IBM Selectrlc, Marilyn
Starr VI 9 6270.
3558
PUBLIC
STENOGRAPHER.
Specializing in Doctorates; Masters,
Manuscripts. Sample work in area
libraries. Flora Carlln 279 2211.
3569
ON
CAMPUS -Experienced
ac
curate, speed typist
105 w.p.m.)
eager for work. IBM Selectrlc, cheap.
3496434.
3426
TYPIST
IBM
SELECTRIC.
Specializing
in
dissertations,
manuscripts,
tables
and
alphanumerics. Excellent faculty and
professional references Olane, GR70797 3236
PROFESSIONAL
TYPIST.
IBM
selectrlc. A 1 references—faculty and
graduate
school
office
recommendations Superior quality Doris—
GR7 4861
3210
LEOKOTTKE
NEED DATA
ANALYSIS?
special guest
Emm VL0U HARRIS
stt,march20 7.30pm
$4.50.5.50,6.50
GEORGE CORLIH
We Have Data For Your Teaching Or
Research Needs And Can Make
Suggestions For Data Analysis
sun.,morch21-8pm
$567
Pennsylvania's
Social Science
Data Center
?TTT
t^
(Located On 4 th Floor Van Pelt Library
In The Union Library Catalog Room)
RiiXaTRJc LIGHT
(.)I« :i II ;STH
JOURItEV
\
• Access to thousands of social science
and public opinion data sets and code-j
books, many from published studies
• Informal consulting on statistical
software
% penal quest
EXPERIENCED TYPIST, Electric
typewriter, specializing in Research
Papers.
Theses.
Ooctorales.
Reasonable prices
Mrs
Kelman,
OR3 2199
3575
TYPIST:
electric
executive;
thoroughly experienced
Theses.
dissertations, manuscripts A-l work.
Prompt, accurate, reliable Roz 477
3305 3561
UJISHBOilE ASH
num.,march 22 8pm
$550 in advance
SG50oyjvcr!shou]
Spring Semester Hours:
Monday 1-5
Wed. 10-5
Spectrum
litM >U * \0O0 eMH*DI I •»•*!• <♦»••
Wed. , 5:30
Houston Hall
West Lounge
Available At
Houston Hall
Ticket Agency
Tues. 10-1
Thurs. 10-1
For More Information:
Ms. Betty Bard-Smock (X6454)
Dr. Kevin Clancy (X7664)
&
The Daily Penns>;\;i[uan
Tuesday, February 24,1976
New Appointees
To U. Faculty
Will Be Dead
The University intends to follow up
last month's award of a posthumous
honorary degree to Benjamin
Franklin with a series of faculty
appointments and educational
programs designed to make the
campus 'the most renowned center of
learning in the Western world,"
Provost Eliot Stellar announced
Monday.
Stellar said posthumous faculty
appointees are currently being sought
whose names would add "a spirit of
excellence" to department mailboxes.
Certain obviously outstanding
candidates are already being actively
recruited. Stellar refused to identify
the bodies, but one news source in
College Hall disclosed that I.P.
Pavlov, Robert Frost, Ralph
Emerson, and John Maynard Keynes
head the "must contact" list.
"There are a lot of dumb stiffs
around here who think we're crazy,"
the source confided. "But we're going
to dig till we got some response."
"When our Mickey Mouse sheepskin
for Ben was ignored by the local
media," Stellar explained, recalling
the January 17 Trustees' meeting at
which Franklin's degree was interred,
"we thought we'd made a terrific
mistake. But more recently, the
advantages of the scheme came to
light."
"Shee-it, he's (Stellar) always sidetracking himself, " Provost's
assistant Michael Neiditch grumbled.
"U't me explain it to you.
No one ever gets to take courses
with our big 'name' teachers
anyway," Neiditch noted. "So we add
a few dead teachers. Students and
development donors will never know
the difference, and we'll have more
prestige and still save a bundle in
salaries."
Special courses offered in the
"Morbidity and Society" thematic
sequence will include a Pavlovian
seminar in which students will assist
in a heroic scientific effort to condition canine cadavers to salivate at
the sound of a bell.
Fyodor Dostoevsky will teach
"Literature of the Underground," and
Emerson will lecture on "Transcendentalism" at the Dental School.
Reports that the English Department has refused Jane Austin a
mailbox have raised a storm among
campus feminists. However, she is
reportedly willing to accept a tenured
[Continued im page b)
Frank Rizzo to Deliver
U. Graduation Address
For Spring Exercises
Nathan's Hotdogs or Mickey tor Short
•IT WAS THIS LONG!' was the comment by University
President Martin Meyerson after viewing a series of skin
flicks for an all-night session of a special Trustees' meeting
yesterday. The meeting was held to determine whether the
PUC movie schedule was too obscene for a young college
audience. Meyerson was, of course, complaining about the
length of the session.
Meyerson to Enhance Prestige
By Entering TV Game Shows
^c
MARTIN MEYERSON
'What's My Une?'
"
By P. H. WIEST
University officials announced
Monday the upcoming appearance of
University
President
Martin
Meyerson on three network television
programs to be broadcast "within the
coming weeks".
According to Executive Assistant to
the President Bruce Johnstone, the
President's appearances on "To Tell
the Truth," "What's My Une," and
"I*t's Make a Deal" are aimed at
building up the President's image.
Development drive coordinator
Craig Sweeten noted that the
President will also do a series of
commercials for American Express.
According to an American Express
official, all Meyerson will have to do is
stand in McDonalds, hold up his credit
card and exclaim, "I bet you don't
know who I am." "We think he is
eminently qualified to do the commercial." he added.
An American Broadcasting Company (ABC) spokesman revealed
that, for the "Let's Make a Deal"
broadcast, Meyerson placed a large
Committee on Revisions Revises
Committee's Proposal for Revision
By MARTIN SIEGEL
Three committees Monday submitted recommendations to President
Martin Meyerson suggesting ways to
revise and streamline the University's governance SystemMeyerson delayed any action on the
various proposals until his recently
appointed Ad Hoc Committee for the
Evaluation of Revision Proposals
could analyze the previous committees' work and formulate its own
set of recommendations. The ad hoc
committee's proposals would then be
submitted to the University Council
for approval before they go to
Meyerson for his recommendation,
and disposal.
The three committees studying the
problem - University Council Committee on Reformation of University
Pa(;e3
•
Reorganization Proposals, the FAS
Committee
on
Restructuring
Responsibilities and Reorganization
of Priorities, and the Faculty Senate
There's Got to be a Better Way
Committee have all issued differing
proposals.
Each committee, however, agreed
that there was a need for
reorganization and recommended
that a joint committee be formed from
each committee to study the other
group's proposals before going to
Meyerson with a final recommendation.
Meyerson rejected this proposal,
saying "too mank cooks spoil the
broth. Our problem is we have too
many chiefs and not enough Indians.
These committee chairmen think I'll
simply follow what they say. You can
Annenberg Livens Menu;
Presents Diverse Theater
By TERI GROSS
i .. I a
r» horse
v. ..,,-.. •..
...■.*:..* (tut
i- .ii nnn't
lead
to water
but you
can't
make him drink."
The Council Committee report,
which Meyerson praised for its
"succinctness and clarity," called for
"a re-formulation of the basis for
rationalizing current governmental
mechanisms in reference to increasing pressures of budgeting and
de-centralization in administrative
efforts."
Council Steering Committee
Chairman Ralph Amado claimed
Monday that the Council's Reformation Committee, which reports
directly to Meyerson through Amado
as Steering Committee head, "has
formulated a promising proposal
which promotes constant interaction
among the institution's various
organs in view of the constraints
placed on the scheme by the new
resource reallocation plan recommended last month, while at the same
time promoting the goal of One
University and a chicken in every
pot."
Meyerson declined to estimate
when final action will be taken on
various proposals. "We still have a
couple of committees, subcommittees, councils, a task force or
two and city council working on the
problem," Meyerson noted. "We don't
want to count our chickens before
they're hatched."
The Annenberg Center is negotiating with several "quality" theater groups
and personalities for next year's production schedule, Annenberg Managing
Director Stephen Goff reported Monday.
The Center is now "talking with" the Middle Merion Players, a local high
school theater group, a recent Troc performer and Miss Vicki, Tiny Tim's famed
wife.
"We're looking for diversity in our
schedule," Goff explained, adding, "I
for one am getting tired of the bland
productions
of
professional
By MR. ELECTRICITY
theaterical groups. We are going to
Life today has a little more meaning for one University official who has been
color it up a little."
electrocuted on three separate occasions within the past year.
The Middle Merion group, comFor University Symphony Orchestra Conductor Phil Harmonica, his past three
posed of students from a surburban
experiences on death row have given him a new view of life.
high school, performs Broadway
'I don't know, after the first two times I survived, the third time was no great
musicals in the "most excellent way
shock," he said Monda>.
off off Broadway can," Goff noted. He
Pennsylvania State Prison authorities attribute Harmonica's ability to
added that the high school group
withstand the high voltage to a special meal he had before each of his three
derives their success from their
"episodes."
ability to "combine amateur talent
"I couldn't believe it." prison wardon Saul Ettary, exclaimed Monday.
with a professional polish."
"Everytime we asked him for the customary request he Just ordered hisfavorite
The homemade scenery constructed
meal-unfizzed soda pop and a banana."
In the shop room of the high school is
On the three occasions leading to Harmonica's arrest and subsequent con"especially effective," Goff noted,
viction, he h*d "ruthlessly murdered" three musicians who had arrived late to
adding the players will supply their
rehearsals.
own scenery if they perform here in
'I Just get so annoyed when those little creeps show up late to my rehearsals
the fall
that I just go nuts" the orchestra leader explained.
"They're especially well noted for
Harmonica is the only man to have ever survived three separate executions.
their excellent rendition of Annie Get
According to University Medical experts, "it is absolutely impossible that the
Your Gun last April," Goff stated.
unfizzed soda pop and the banana enabled the orchestra leader to withstand the
A spokesman for the players said
voltage."
Monday the group is "looking forA Pennsylvania state statute stipulates that no man may be punished twice for
ward" to coming to Annenberg. "My
the same crime. After surviving each electrocution Harmonica was released.
parents will be proud and buy a lot of
However scientists all over the world are still wondering:
tickets," he added.
-Why the seemingly sane orchestra leader continues to murder his musicians
The next consideration, Goff
when they arrive late;
reported, is a recent Troc performer.
-Why the musical director is apparently impervious to the "hot seat";
"We figured that since Deep Throat
"Why, why, why, It's driving me crazy," Ettary exclaimed following the third
and The Devil In Miss Jones were so
time Harmonica survived, "why, why, why?"
popular with PUC audiences, our
Harmonica only looked up, removed his electrodes and sighed, "I guess I must
sales could be boosted by following
be a bad conductor '
their example." Goff said.
red sheet over his entire body for the
traditional "Deal" disguise.
"Based on the fact that his partner
was a dog, I just assumed he was a
fire hydrant," announcer Monty Hall
disclosed Monday.
Wife to the President Margie
Meyerson was unavailable for
comment.
In a press review of the program
which will benefit the University's
$255
development
campaign,
Meyerson participated in a competition to estimate the retail prices of
certain educational toys.
"I am told I was 'zonked',"
Meyerson admitted Monday. "I ended
up with this big black thing Jay
Stewart called "We Lost"."
Wharton administrators declared
that Meyerson's only mistake was
using seven percent inflation rate
rather than the 2.4 percent rise in real
disposable family income to predict
the retail prices.
"How was I to know. I'm no expert.
I Just did like I Budget Director Jon)
Strauss told me," Meyerson claimed.
However Meyerson was given a
chance to redeem himself in what Hall
called "the big deal of the day".
"I thought I could make a big killing
for the benefit of the development
drive," he said.
According to Hall, Meyerson "broke
down and cried" when asked to choose
among "door number one, door
number two, or door number 8.4
percent."
"The minute I saw that number I
went nuts. I picked it of course but
wouldn't you know it, I came up with
another loser they called 'Covenant',"
Meyerson lamented.
By JANETNOVACK
University and City Hall officials
jointly announced Monday that
Philadelphia Mayor Frank I-azzaro
Rizzo will deliver the commencement
address and receive an honorary high
school degree at University commencement exercises on May 28th.
Earlier, it had been rumored that
Rizzo would attend commencement
but would not speak unless subpoenaed.
The ceremonies, which will revolve
around a Bicentennial theme, will be
held in Veterans' Stadium to accommodate both students' relatives
and city patronage workers, Corporation Secretary William Sheehan
said Monday.
In keeping with the Bicentennial
motif, Mayor Rizzo will enter the
stadium on a police horse and deliver
a rousing speech on, "The Rights of
Women and Blacks; an 18th Century
Perspective," Owen added.
President Martin Meyerson ex-,
pressed pleasure Monday with Rizzo's
decision to attend the graduation,
noting, "He's the perfect speaker.
Why he knows as much about city
planning as I do. What's more, he'll
provide his own security and come
half-time he can give us a demonstration of his black-jack twirling
techniques. He'll be great, break a
leg."
However, across campus there was
some student dissatisfaction with the
choice of the one time straight man
for the Black Panthers.
Senior class President Dean Schwartz defended the choice Monday,
noting that a secret ballot had been
held for the commencement speaker,
with the Rizzo administration
generously supplying poll watchers.
Anyway, Schwartz bulled, "It's a
tough job market out there and it
helps to have a friend in the business
He'll be great, break a leg."
But the History and Sociology of
Science Department's only student,
Bonnie Blustein, charged Monday
that the choice of Rizzo was influenced by other considerations.
"Listen."Blustein dogmatized,"I just
got a look at some budget and
development drive figures and
Meyerson is going to be looking for a
job soon."
I bet nobody reads this
FRANK L. RIZZO
18th Century Thinker
Student Agency Slates
Deal for Dope Dollars
ByGREGSAUL
Penn Student Agencies announced a
plan to market "marijuana, hashish,
pipes, papers and roach clips,"
Assistant Director of Financial Aid
C. Friedman said Monday.
"It's all part of our continuing
program of undying devotion and
service to the student body, and our
deep-rooted sense of capitalist
greed," Friedman explained as he sat
smoking his pipe.
The agency will buy the dope in
wholesale lots ranging from kilos of
hashish to tons of high-grade
marijuana.
"We feel that there is a viable
market for the kind of quality product
we will be bringing in," he said.
"The last grass I bought on campus
was "bad shit" and "a real bummer,
Friedman lamented.
Friedman said that student employees of the Student Agencies have
been testing various samples daily for
the last few months.
One employee, Dave I,oewith, said,
"these have been the best two months
of my life, although I have had trouble
remembering my name at times."
Loewith also said that he gained 15
pounds since the testing began and he
has developed a strong liking for
peanut butter and pickle sandwiches.
The agencies have a number of
"cutesy little marketing tricks"
which Friedman said he hopes will
promote sales and ease the selling
process. The angency's student snack
van will be converted to a mobile dope
truck known as the "Roach Coach,"
Friedman remarked.
Quadrangle Condemned by RDA;
Will be Demolished by March 1
BJ JEFF BIRNBAUM
The Philadelphia Redevelopment
Authority (RDA), Monday condemned the University Quadrangle
and ordered the 148 year old structure
razed by March 1.
"The cockroaches are bigger than
the students," RDA Director Will D.
Molish said Monday. Citing danger
due to fire and cohabitation, Molish
disclosed, "There are far too many
live wires in the Quadrangle."
Temporary sleeping facilities for all
Quad residents will be established
between the 4200 and 4800 blocks of
Market Street, Director of Residential
living Mary Beermann said Monday.
Before they rip the place down, we'll
ask the students to carry their mattresses to a preassigned sidewalk slab
in that area," Beermann added.
"We have more than enough slabs
to accommodate those who are
displaced," Assignments Director
U'slii- Pochos said Monday. She explained, however, "if there is a
shortage we plan to convert present
lamppost lounges into singles and
garbage can super singles into
doubles."
"I assure you, no one will be left out
in the street," Beermann declared.
Explaining that the Market Street
move was "merely a way to bring the
isolated student into direct contact
with the outside world," President
Martin Meyerson dismissed all
rumors that the Quadrangle College
House system has been abandoned,
despite the future absence of the
Quad.
"This institution will be Just like
Harvard and Yale or my name ain't
Derek, I mean Kingman, I mean
mud," Meyerson said Monday. "It
will, it will, yep, yep, yowwww..."
University Security Chief Donald
Shultis vowed Monday to station his
men strategically along Market Street
to insure the safety of students. "I've
instructed my boys to look as mean
and tough as they can, so don't worry
your little selves," Shultis said,
declaring, "I'm a colonel you know."
Six tanks, a flame thrower and
several bazookas have been procured.
to re-inforce the security guards'
image, he explained, adding, "we
hope to keep student attrition below 50
percent."
Current Conductor Receives Shock of His Life, But Is Still Alive
HHIL HARMONICA, conductor of the University Symphony Orchestra
survives. How Is this possible?
has been electrocuted three times, yet still
.
Mah Nishtanah
Why Is This Issue Different?
By Jim Kahn
Page 4
Tuesdny. February 24,1976
SETH L. ROSEN. Executive Editor
MARTIN S1EGEL, Managing Editor
W/LLMM C. CIELO. JR.. Business Manager
JANET E. NOVACK
Editorial Chairman
DRUSILLAMENAKER
News Editor
THOMAS J. BUTERA, JR.
Sports Editor
MICHAEL D. NATHAN
Photography Editor
PETER GRANT
Feature Editor
JOEL S.GOLDBERG
Associate Sports Editor
FREDERICK J. SCHWAB
Associate Photography Editor
STEPHEN A. CLEMENTS
Advertising Manager
GREGORY P. 0USSAN1
Financial Manager
WILLIAM D. ALBERS
Production Manager
RAYVANDER HORST
Credit Manager
EDWARDDEANGELO
City Editor
LUANNETRACEY
34th Street Co-Editor
CHARLES A. SERVICE
34th Street Co-Editor
Flu No Fluke
The recent campus-wide outbreak of influenza is Just the latest example of the
poor administrative planning which has plagued this University.
Certainly it would have been preferable had the University hierarchy exercised the foresight and insight to have given inoculations along with undergraduate matriculation cards last month.
But we have come to expect very little of this administration, and thus make no
feverish demands that such mishaps be avoided. We have learned to swallow the
bitter pill of upper-echelon non-communication, along with assorted communicable diseases. Rather, we meekly request that students have some say in
the planning of such epidemics, and the description of their symptoms.
"But," administrators say, "we meant to consult you in the incubation period."
That to not enough. Students, if they are to retain control of their minds and
bodies during the crucial mid-term period, must be consulted from the germination stage of epidemic planning. Of course in this case we were all off
campus on our forced "energy-saving" vacation.
Happily, though, to every gray cloud there is a silver lining. The Undergraduate Assembly has performed admirably in this latest crisis, ministering
to the sick and taking the administration to bed for its performance. We therefore
call upon the student body to give the Undergraduate Assembly a resounding and
appreciative clap.
Painted Words
■By Mitchell BergerEveryone in South Philly knows
Sidney is top dog; .but then, that
should be obvious to anyone raised
there. After all, how many 200 pound
German Shepherds can one neighborhood have?
But Sidney doesn't live in South
Philly anymore; he's moved to
Narberth with his owner, two cats and
a turtle. And, in the true tradition of a
neighborhood legend, Sidney comes
back often to reassert his top dog
status by snarling at some light
weight Cocker Spaniels. Besides, the
turtle doesn't give him any peace.
"Aaah, yeah, I know Sidney from
way back, ever since he slept on the
stoop outside Esposito's," a black
poodle told me the other day as we
chatted outside Pat's Steaks. The
poodle looked foppish with his
manicured nails, shaved body and
bobbed tail. He had marched with the
Mummers that day, and though the
parade was over, the poodle still felt
like a Jerk.
I threw him the rest of my cheese
steak.
Now, Sidney has put his doghouse
roots behind him, as anyone can see
from the silver medal he wears
around his neck announcing that he
has been innoculated against rabies.
But still the neighborhood lingers in
his blood.
When I caught up with him on that
blustery June twilight, he was
urinating with impunity on the wheel
of a District 9 police wagon. A cop
threw a rock at him.
I thought of Christ.
Sidney was not fazed by the rock,
just as he was left unperturbed by the
many slings and arrows of outrageous
fortune cast his way by that
metaphorical bowman in the sky.
Confidently, Sidney crept his way
from day to day in that charming
petty pace of his.
Sidney turned to the brooding gang
of twefve mongrels behind him, and
growled at them to follow. "Do I pay
you to do nothing," he barked.
The dogs never answered their
leader's question, simply obeying
with Pavlovian certainty. One mut
started salivating uncontrollably on
my shoe. I kicked him in the head.
Another dog in Sidney's pack, eyes
large with shock, seemed preoccupied
with profane and bitter and futile
fantasies of reprisal for Sidney's
arrogance. He slinked over to a cop
and whispered something to the officer. The cop nodded and tossed him
a bone. The mutt walked back and
kissed Sidney.
I thought again of Christ.
I also thought of Judas Iscariot.
Roaming the streets of South Philly
brought back scenes from Sidney's
childhood. He remembered waiting
for food scraps outside of Villa Di
Roma, or getting an occasional hot
pepper from Claudio's. He remembered the exquisite pain-pleasure of
those hot peppers. They were just like
childhood.
I thought of Rolaids and Christ.
But his street roaming days had
ended long ago when an upwardly
mobile Italian dentist had taken him
in. Ken-I. Ration now replaced meat
scraps, and the front stoop gave way
to the foot of a plush double bed where
Sidney now slept.
Sure, it .was an easier life; but, it
was also more routinized, more
boring. Sidney now spent listless days
roaming Narberth, ripping through
garbage cans that contained only
yesterday's New York Times. The
garbage disposal was ruining his life.
I thought of Milton Shapp. Milton
told me he thought of Christ.
So, it was no wonder Sidney came
back here often to these winding, dirty
streets of South Philly. It was his
home. It always would be. Sidney
thought of how wrong Thomas Wolfe
had been.
Perhaps it was because Sidney was
so lost in the reverie of his private
thoughts about these streets that he
didn't see the approaching police car.
At 50 mph, it crushed the 200 pound
German Shepherd as if he were a
Communion wafer.
"Oh, Christ," the cop said.
I laughed.
Mitch Berger (FAS 76) will burn in
Hell for this-aftrr he goes to Harvard.
This article notwithstanding, Eileen
O'Brien {FAS '761 Is still writing
Painted Words from a nunnery.
■Auerblock-
The Daily Pennsylvanian's annual
gag issue has a long history, of which
another chapter has been written
today. Every year about this time
tradition dictates that DP editors turn
their usually proper paper into a
playful parody.
It all started in 1962. The situation?
Well, there was a bit of women's
rights, a large amount of student
politics, some overcrusading journalism, and a big dose of student
nihilism...some things never change,
it seems.
The DP was then led by the now
celebrated
Melvin
Goldstein.
Magnificent Melvin, as the flamboyant editor-in-chief was called
decided to liberate the traditionally
all-male newspaper by adding a few
women to the staff. Not to be outdone,
the rival Pennsylvania News, a
weekly published by female undergraduates, decided that it, too,
would go coed, and passed a
resolution inviting men to write for
the paper.
The women got more than they
bargained for. The very next day,
February 22, Magnificent Mel and his
staff produced their own Pennsylvania news, irreverently mocking
the News' frivolous style.
But Melvin didn't stop there.
Determined to follow in the footsteps
of that noble President whose birth is
celebrated this week, he unsheathed
his verbal axe and proceeded to chop
down the student government.
In those days the Men's Student
Government (the sexes were
separated there, too) was run by two
rival political parties, and Union and
the Red and Blue, both coalitions of
fraternities. But that year a new
political entity held the balance of
power. The members of this third
party, the United Christian FrontStudent Anarchist league, had been
elected on the promise that they would
disrupt the student government.
The DP thought the time was ripe
for just that sort of thing. Thus the
February 22 issue carried the banner
headline, "Men's Gov't Verges on
Collapse; Anarchists Trigger Bitter
Internal Clash." Not one to go halfway, the next morning Magnificent
Mel ran a frontpage editorial urging
the University to "abolish student
government."
fey Pennsylvania!*
VOL. LXXVII
PHILADELPHIA, ^*
r\ KIHAV
RID M MAI(<
MAR! II I.
X, IMtf
III
University Lifts Ban On Publication
PennsylvaniarV Operations Resume
MSGA Refuses Funds
Until Change Of Boards
College Press
Views DP Ban
by William Ivarton
PraaJdtyil for Student Affair* GtM I). Qlab&rM
UUMWIKtd Thursday that the cimlruvt>r*iHl ban tut|
publication of Th- I hull, /••»><*tilvani<in would !*■ lifted and
thi Mwapapt* ajlowad i<. r—umt u|>fration*"today without
nupport of i'niversiiy funds.
The Action MM takt-n after tht Mtn'l Btudtnt '.uverntn.-nt AjHocUtion (MSGA) voted (11 I) Wodnooday m*ht
against a Joint resolution formulated liy Kit-hard Pegnetter.
M <' >.\ president, and Michael
S Brown, PmnqifMMfH editor-in-chief, which would have
rtatond fund* to the paper
Th* MSGA, whirh withdrew th*
fund. Saturday, reported in a pre.
par**: atalemont that fund* would
■ i whan '"th* new -<dit<,rial
by David P lt*i«nb«rg
aalN aaaflanaa "perativr " li further
1'n-nu.rtUl m l| dsltruc- raMtvad "la niaka a Joint i-tudy
*iir. Thi r..» board to formula!* a
tlve uf (MTi-i'iial ri-laliuti.H, plan of art ion which w* hop* will
marital security ami spiritual lead to financial independent* of
well-being, a panel of I
r** Da*% I'tiH^lvnmmm "
decided at the ChrUUmB A'M>
>i-ndmr Uth-trualion
[KHTorTs KoTB: Fvtb'ieiHg art < -r. rplp
from r»l'"i- ttndi RJ i
eotmmtntiuij <"< tk*
-t /mh.
UcalloN rwl
I
i he Dally
IViin-u Uanum |
Ih. MkMfM Doily
■
i
•
Saturday i« ju»l >»ne MM •<■ I
-rr»«> if ui.ui.-riti th.» acadmti
■ '»!
valvbig IUMMU '
'
pi—, thr
■
Alp a trtr
paper* arv lijvol*. '
larfrrnt an-l hr*l MlWflt p«|
ti-m» from an altitude of many udRhinfttnton ami
hat a •ulli-an
nrwpapvr ihnuld be a bland. MM I
partisan paper with iU facial retlrit-tad to the
limits of thr (ampic Tllll .Ilituil. It dMfff.
oua. Iwcauor it nut oily tBaM
the prraa. but it run. cvatrai ■
uf a university at an educational institution.
-lv—dmy. fabruofy 27.19*2
C.A. Forum Finds
Married Life Hurl
By Premarital Sex
i »ith Mag* Manairr Mi.h*.
rrbufti for ike Pf»ay In
Tha Doily rVincaroman
All this piqued the student politicos,
so they held a special Saturday
meeting and suspended funds for the
campus rag, charging that Melvin's
News parody was "libelous, vulgar,
and in general, an insult to the intellect and morals of the University."
Actually, the bluest thing in the issue
was an announcement that a CWsponsered "ceremony in honor of the
first buds of Spring will be consummated on Monday on the lawn..."
With the support of the Dean of Menwho'd also been victim of a few
scathing editorials-the DP for Monday, February 26, which had been
printed on Friday night, was confiscated and burned (Since then, the
DP has always printed its Monday
editions on Sunday nights.)
The student government also staged
a rally protesting "irresponsible
journalism". The suspension made
headlines up and down the East Coast
and was mentiond in the I/>ndon
lutamw
h.lk.tr.r,
Plajti
Observer. Meanwhile, special editions
of the Harvard Crimson and Columbia
Spectator were flown in to fill the
journalistic gap.
But by March 2, freedom of the
press was restored and DP allowed to
publish, though minus Melvin, who
was put on academic probation and
prohibited from participating in any
extracurricular activity.
Undaunted by the loss of their
leader, however,DP staffers printed a
note at the top of March 2 issue
reading, "As we were saying before
we were so rudely interrupted..." and
proceeded to publish "Part II" of the
editorial blasting the Men's Student
Government.
Ever since that memorable incident, DP editors, male and female,
have followed Melvin's example and
produced a DP gag issue around
February 22. Headlines have announced everything from the cancelling of a long-awaited appearance
by the Beatles to the renaming of the
school to the Ben Franklin University.
One year a group of naive frosh
women eating breakfast in Hill Hall
opened their papers to learn that
Pennwas sold to the Commonwealth
and promptly broke down in tears.
Another February an article
disclosing that the University was
really a "mafia shield" caused
Philadelphia Bulletin editor to "damn
near run to the telephone to give
somebody hell for missing a blockbuster story like that."
Thus, the current editors, recalling
Magnificent Melvin and his clash with
the forcesof evil.presentGaglssue 1976
partly in fun, partly in jest, and partly
to remind everyone just who runs
things around here.
Jim Kahn Is a former editorial
Chairman of the Dally Pennsylvanlan.
Buzzy Bissinger's Last Hurrah
By Michael Friedman
Alright, what's going on? I>e
already HTItten two poignant, tearfilled farewell columns, and the D.P.
has not yet received a single letter
pleading that the Buzzer be brought
back. I can understand your not
recognizing my worth as an artistic
genius right off the bat—people didn't
appreciate Van Gogh until he was
dead. But it's been weeks, and no one
has clamored for a comeback. Well,
this is your last chance, amigo.
This is my last, my ultimate, my
final farewell column, and if you don't
get the idea after this, you have no one
to blame but yourself. You listening?
You better be, 'cause here's absolutely my last attempt to evoke a
little sympathy in your heartless
breasts! Ahem.
You won't have Buzzy Bissinger to
kick around anymore. You won't see
anyone dragging his face along Locust
Walk, with his zipper half-open, and
his shirttails hanging out. No more
self-pity, no more depression, no more
dirty laundry jokes. Forget it—kiss
them all good-bye. I'm taking off for
the wide open spaces...maybe even
Cambridge. I'm moving on. Splitting.
Shoving off. Taking a powder.
You hear me, world? No more gemlike fantasies from this boy. No more
Bissinger riding the wild surf, the
wind in his hair and the salt spray in
his eyes. No more Bissinger the
world's greatest bullfighter, waving
his cape about and tripping over the
hem. No more Bissinger the gunslinger, striving to preserve decency
in a two-bit cowtown, and getting his
spurs dirty in the stampede. No more
of that, friends, 'cause I'll be gone.
Just an old photo, a fond word, maybe
a silver bullet to remember me by.
I said I'm leaving! Do you know
what that means? I'm getting out of
here. If you don't love me, somebody
will. Or maybe they won't. Who
cares? I don't need love anyway. All I
thai." But it will be too late. Who
knows? Maybe I won't even invite
you. You never offered to do my
laundry anyway. How am I supposed
to wipe my nose if my laundry is
dirty''
„, KKT cuter...
N
.,„•,.»••'-<- rorvvi*.
Air*-- MtfirttXAvftr
AOfUfActi'n
*"**..,
need is reverence and worship. Is that
too much to ask for?
I know...I'll hold a funeral for
myself, just like I threatened to, and
then you'll be sorry. You'll say, "Gee,
Buzzy, we didn't realize you were
serious. We thought you were Just
trying to be funny in your own
strange, maladjusted way. Imagine
When I was a freshman, I was
different. I was virginal, naive, my
intellect a fertile and unspoiled
wilderness. I bore love in my heart. I
had a ready smile, a glad word for
every human being on God's earth. I
was wonderful. I was golden. I was
angelic. Now, what am I? A plaything,
cast away to the four winds, aban-
doned, corrupted, besmirched!
You've had your fun with me, and now
you've discarded me. Oh, the cruelty
of it all.
But don't worry about me. Buzzy
Bissinger can take care of himself. So
what if I can't put my own clothes on?
Lots of people can't put their own
clothes on. Einstein couldn't put his
own clothes on. So what if I can't do
my own laundry? Lots of people can't
do their own laundry. Kafka couldn't
do his own laundry. So what if I can't
wash my own dishes? I/>ts of people
can't wash their own dishes. Fellini
can't wash his own dishes. I don't need
you. I'll do fine on my own.
So, twenty years from now, as you
make that drive out West that you've
always wanted to make, you'll see a
lonely figure on his hobby horse riding
the plains of Arizona. He'll lift his hat
to you and wave, and your wife will
scream, because all he was wearing
was that hat. You'll stare at him
strangely, and all of a sudden you'll
say, "That's Buzzy Bissinger. He still
can't put his own clothes on."
Michael Friedman (FAS '76) Is
presently being sued by H. Gerard
Bissinger III for defamation of a great
American Institution.
Letters to the Editor
A Blatant Case of Vagrancy
Although we realize students are
sympathetic with the vent man, and
perhaps even the duck lady, we would
like to warn the D.P.'S readers to be
wary of the "eh...eh...eh..." man. He
has been sighted recently crying near
an area bank and is believed to hide
out in a private bathroom in College
Hall.
Drawing by Clyde
Artist's Conception
Of the Eh. . . Eh Man
This vagrant usually wanders
aimlessly with his hat in his hands,
demanding of passersby "Brother,
can you spare $255 million?" Occasionally, he can be heard to chant
in a trance like state, "8.2 percent, 8.2
percent."
The New Board: Darwin Was Wrong
We've been nice for three weeks
now. But there's a limit to human
tolerance for incompetence. Your
newspaper has declined significantly
since the old editorial board left at the
start of February.
The first day you guys took over, the
lead news story is about University
and union officials haggling over the
exact details of their labor pact.
Anybody with any brains knows that
signing is Just a formality.
And there's shorty, your sports
editor. He writes a column about the
"turning point" of the 1976 Super Bowl
six weeks after the game. We knew he
was a little slow in getting his story in.
but that was ridiculous.
Next he'll write about the 1969
World Series.
Then there's the editorial page. No
more Bissinger sagas, Birnbaum
blues, self-indulgent crap. Boring.
Boring. Boring. No more WXPN is a
"blight on the University" editorials
to outrage blue-radio staffers and
keep the FCC chuckling.
Finally, there's the grammar. Can
you guys write Frglish?
Anybody could run the campus rag
better than youi editorial board. For
instance, us.
LARRY FIELD
MARCGOLDSTF.n>J
EILEEN O'BRIEN
JOE BARKS
BUZZY BISSINGER
Should students run into this
character, they should not try to talk
to him alive, but should report him to
campus security for immediate
shipment to Harvard.
COLONEL DONALD SHULTIS
DIRECTOR OF UNIVERSITY
SECURITY AND SAFETY
In Defense
Of Progress
It has come to our attention that
certain peoples is saying bad things
■•ibout us. (Better late than never.)
Though we do understand that if ol
(typing) fingers is the dev'I's
playthings and that those ghjsts
gossip because they ain't got am, thing
better to do (except spend the day by
the phone waiting for Harvard Law to
call), we are still distressed by this
situation. (If Field keeps talking
about us, people will think we're
boring.)
Anyways, we got the paper and go
do something about it. You can't
challenge us to a fight because we
might write a nasty editorial about
youse. Old editors don't die, they just
make fools of themselves with
farewell columns.
SETH ROSEN
MARTIN SIEGEL
DRUISILLA MENAKER
JANET NOVACK
TOMBl'TERA
The Daily Penns> hanian
Tuesday, February 24, 1976
Plan to Lure Faculty to Philadelphia
Boasts the Massage as the Medium
By ED DeANGELO
The University Council of Community Relations recommended to
President Meyerson Monday that the
University fund a massage parlor in
the West Philadelphia neighborhood.
"We've been looking and looking for
ways to bring faculty members back
from the suburbs to the community
and this is it. You try schools, you try
condominiums. Forget it. Give 'em
what they want!," committee
chairman Sol Goodgal said.
"After all," he
continued,
"Meyerson wants to make this a real
attractive neighborhood and building
a new WaWa just doesn't cut it."
Presidential assistant Bruce
Johnstone stammered concern that
the new project would be too expensive for the deficit-ridden
University to maintain.
"That's nonsense," Goodgal
countered. "This will be a selfsupporting activity. Do you know how
many unmarried junior faculty there
are in this place?"
The Council's recommendation
Pre-Meds Flee
As Medicine
Is Socialized
By DAVID SHARE
The United States Senate yesterday
passed a bill, which when signed by
President Ford as expected, will
completely socialize the practice of
medicine in this country within two or
three years.
The bill was passed by a vote of 5537.
FAS Dean Vartan Gregorian said
Monday that "within an hour-and-ahalf of the news of the bill's passage
over fifty Biology majors told their
counselors they wanted to transfer to
Wharton."
Jane Rasmussen of the pre-med
advising department backed up
Gregorian's claims, explaining that
"The pre-meds I have talked to say
they don't want to be doctors under
this new law which stipulates the
maximum pay doctors can make to be
$18,900 a year. They said they'd rather
work in a large bank or corporation
and be » loan-officer-paramedic."
University Medical School Dean
Edward Stemmler acknowledged
Monday that as of last night 36
medical students had officially withdrawn from the school. Stemmler said
the number included six seniors, all of
whom decided they would rather go
into daddy's insurance business than
be a doctor in a socialized profession.
provoked instant response Irom
community and feminist groups.
Sharon Grossman of the Woman's
Center attacked the plan. "It violates
equal employment standards," she
said. "Who'd pay for a male
masseuse?"
Goodgal said arrangements were
being made with work-study students
on the wrestling team to participate in
the activity. The Wharton School,
working with Grossman's office, will
do a study to determine the
marketability of this plan.
City Councilman Lucien Blackwell
was interrupted Monday to comment
on the University's plan. "I don't
know the details, but I'm studying it,
I'm studying it, but let me say this,"
he rambled, "I'm against the
University's expansion and this is just
one more example of their brazen
disregard of the poor in the neigh-
borho'>d. Oh, it will be open to the
poor? Then let me say this...'"
"I can't imagine any community
protest," Goodgal noted. "After all,
we're looking for outreach program
and our massage parlor technicians
will surely reach out."
Directors of the Physical Theraphy
department in the School of Allied
Medical Proffessions revealed
Monday they had been told by
Meyerson to prepare lists of prime
candidates for the new University
agency. The department will consider
offering Massage Techniques as an
independent study fieldwork course.
Several University Council members charged that it was inappropriate for a council committee to
involve itself in matters of a personal
nature like this. "But listen," Goodgal
replied, "we're supposed to be
studying relations."
Page 5
Job Opportunities Now Available For The
CLASS OF'78
Position:
Second Lieutenant
(Leader, Manager)
Starting Salary: Between Ten And Eleven
Thousand Dollars Each
Year
• Leadership And Management
Benefits:
Experience Developed During Two
Years Tenure As An Officer Is
Highly Sought By Civilian Employers.
• $100 Per Month During Junior And
Senior Year
Reaction
/Continued from page I)
predict the outbreak of a second
strike. "You can't anticipate
everything," Meyerson lamented.
Meyerson's executive assistant
Bruce Johnstone said he was unable to
explain the University's inability to
predict the outbreak of a second
strike. "You can't anticipate
everything," Johnstone whined.
Budd's wife said she is "not going to
allow George to work until they build
a moat around the Franklin Building
and put Charley King away."
Mrs. Budd said she was "flabbergasted." She noted she hoped the
University would "provide George
with a bullet-proof vest before it is too
late."
FAS Dean Vartan Gregorian said
between sips of sherry that he was
"simply flabbergasted about the
walkout." He noted, however, he was
"sure the current walkout will not
adversely affect the state of liberal
arts education on campus in this time
of academic retrenchment. And don't
believe those things the guys at
Wharton tell you."
Wharton Dean Donald Carroll said
that although he was "flabbergasted"
by the unions' move, it did "not catch
me completely off guard. You should
send all those union people over here.
We can pay anything they're asking."
Student government officials ex-
pressed similar shock about the
strike. Undergraduate Assembly
Chairman Michael Hanlon said he
was "going to stick by my guns till
they fire all that unnecessary help.
And if those union people don't like it,
I just hope they know who they're
tangling with. By the way, did you see
my picture in the Inquirer?"
According to Hanlon, "the strike
will give us a great chance to get a
little publicity. We don't get no
respect. By the way, I'm flabbergasted too."
UA Vice-chairman Jerry Marcus
refused to comment on the strike.
"You guys are always asking Mike
first. I'm important too, you know."
Strike! Strike!
(Continued from page 1)
Robinson said he was "Shocked" by
the union move, calling the University
"one big happy family."
'The Waltons never got one strike,"
Robinson said, "Beaver and Wally
never staged a walkout, not even the
Marx Brothers."
Union leaders refused to estimate
how long the strike will last, saying
"get out of here before we break your
nose and re-arrange your face. We eat
reporters for breakfast."
• Opportunity To Compete For
Scholarships That Pay Full Tuition,
Books And Fees
• Graduate Education Opportunities
In Most Disciplines
This is the last opportunity for qualified
sophomores to participate in Army ROTC Two-Year
Program. You owe it to yourself to investigate the
career options offered by the Program. Because of
budgetary limitations, the program may be
oversubscribed this year; therefore, you should call
Major Bill Chadbourne at EV6-2246—243-7757 or come
by Hollenback Center during the first weeks of this
semester.
PENN ARMY ROTC
Leadership, Service,
Challenge, Opportunity
* Jerry's Presents The Manager's Special Remember The
Good Old Days?
T»~W
t Annenberg Center"
presents
• 1107 Market Street
MA7-1056
VVWV^N-VV^eN^^VVSeWVVSeVWSeV"..".
Opens Tonight
ANN! NWRG CTtMADMW
A Classic, Brought Up To
Date With New Charm And
Lively Folk Music...
THIS WEEK:
Thar*. Feb. 26. 7:00 PM: also
Sun., Fob 29, 9:30 PM
STREETS OF HARLEM-Second film proiecl of lamed AlroAmencan theatre company—a
vivid meditation on heroes and
artists in the Harlem street
culture
Thurs.. Feb. 26, 9:30 PM; also
Sun., Feb. 29. 7:00 PM
10TH INTERNATIONAL ANIMATION TOURNEE—Philadelphia Premiere Newest compilation o( world's best animated
films, entirely different from
p'ogram shown two weeks ago
International prize winners sardonic, modern, adult Shown by
special arrangement.
ANTHONY QUAYLE... in
ileUileo programs Annenbcg
Cantor Bon OHK» (243-67911 10 »M-6 PM
Monday thru Wednesday On performance
days 10 AM 10 PM (Saturday ft Sunday. 6
PM-10PM)
Studio Theatre
3680 Walnut Street
University of Pennsylvania
$2.. Students with ID. $1
February 23-26
RIP VAN WINKLE
The Kennedy Center-Xerox Corporation
American Bicentennial Theatre Production
6:30-9:30 p.m.
Franklin Building Main Lobby
directed by JOSHUA LOGAN
Here are the reports from Washington, DC.
Annual (.iving to help lessen the gap
Key Student Telethon is part of this
effort, and last year's total amounted to
'. . . guilelessly charming, gorgeously
happy and good fun for everybody . . .
may well be the surprise hit of the
Bicentennial season."
Lou Robinson, WJMD
$30,000 in unrestricted funds lor the
Universil \'
Briny; a friend and join us any evening
in the Franklin Building Lobby from
"Children, by all means take your parents to
, see Rip'."
AnneBlair, Radio & TV Commentator
6:30 (sharp1) to 9:30 p.m. on reb L6-19
and 23-26.
'Annu.il Giving puts the
pence in Pennsylvania, .unrestricted
funds tor libraries,
"Sheer fun and joy. splendid sets.
Children should love it and so should
sophisticated adults."
Roy Meachum, WTTG
scholarships, faculty
salaries and general
Annenberg Center/Western Savings Bank
Bicentennial Theatre Series
maintenance.
February 24 thru March 6
Evenings .it 8 00 p m Tues thru Sun Matinees 2 OO pm Sat
Sun Also Tues Thurs Mar 2 & 4 Opening Night Curtain 7 00 p m
•
;,
>9
$8 B..IC
S? Sal i Sun
Citizen Dcs,. ml
MA
,. , ,■
I Sal lay EVES I
........
.....
■
Zellerbach Theatre
i .
••
it oti
Un /ersity of Pennsylvania 3680 Walnut St
RESERVATIONS (215)2436791
Telethon. Spend .\o evening calling area
between income Irom tuition dollars
and operating expenses. The Kite and
"It was wonderful to see Joshua Logan
directing again for the theatre.''
Sheldon Tromberg, WMAL-TV
TICK'
Yiwi HIM /n/|> the University by joining
the Kite and Key Society's annual
alumni to raise funds for I'enn! Over
$3,000,000 is raised each year by
"Historical and entertaining . . . one of the
nice things about it, it's for the whole family."
Charles Mark, Arts Reporting Service
Fri.. Feb. 27, 7:00 PM; also Sat..
Feb. 28. 9:30 PM
THE BIG HEAT—Violent, manic
gangster
melodrama
stars
Glenn Ford as idealistic cop who
gradually adopts the methods of
the criminals he hunts With Lee
Marvin. Gloria Grahame Director Fritz Lang
Pit., Feb. 27, 9:30 PM: also Sat..
Feb. 28. 7:00 PM
MASCULINE FEMININE-Godard s bitter-sweet view of Parisian adolescents in the 60s fleeting sex gratuitous death.
Marx and Coca-Cola
With
Jean-Pierre Leaud.
Chantal
Goya
Annual
Kite and Key
Annual Giving
Student Telethon
.,
I lelp top l.isl year s goal by stringing
along with Kite and Key! Don't let
somebody else lake the phone, mm take
it!
No need to sign up.
Just pick a night
and show up!
Tuesday. February 24. 1970
The Daily Pennsylvania!]
Page 6
Financial Aid
Students
International
Meditation
Soeietv
presents a lecture
on the technique of
TRANSCENDENTAL
MEDITATION
bti.Uius show Ihjl
madnalors
perform belter
on recall lesls and
learn more quickly
than non meditators
Meditators also show
significantly belter
results on more
dillicult material
as tannin by
Mahaiislii
Mahcsh
V)Ri
These studies
indicate lhal
TRANSCENOENTAl
MEDITATION
improves memory
and learning ability
Wednesday, Feb. 25
7:30 P.M.
3905 Spruce St.
For Information Call: 732-9220
rT~rer.:.h: A±IL
Nobody could dream him up.
His incredible bank robbery
is all the more bizarre
... because it's true.
Why Is everyone after
GeorgeSegafe bird?
iConlinucJ from pagr li
official University of Pennsylvania
B.A., B.S.. L.L.D., M.A., and M.S.
degrees. Stellar pointed out that these
can be printed cheaply in Hong Kong.
"Those should bring in quite a bit,
without the bother of teaching and all
Brawl
(Continued Irom column 61
themselves fighting each other. A
well-aimed Marcus punch felled
Hanlon, shocking Marcus into finally
realizing he was grappling with an
ally.
Marcus' recovery, however, was
not quick enough to prevent Meyerson
from kicking Hanlon while he was
down. Marcus
soon
rushed
to Hanlon's aid, but was prevented
from reaching him by a fatal encounter with Stellar's fan.
Apparently deeply disturbed by the
rumble, University Chaplain and
Admissions Dean Stanley Johnson
slammed his Bible into Marcus'
remains and spoke for the administration asking anyone in the
room to "beat me, beat me, please
beat me."
At last report, the fighting was still
in progress.
woody alien
LOVEand
DEATH"
1
a*
,—"j-s
that," Stellar said.
Stellar would not comment on the
University's plans for the money
previously earmarked for financial
aid. However, Dinesh Dhody of the
Department of Physical Plant
disclosed Monday the administration
has allocated $5.5 million of the funds
for the acquisition of fourteen new
sculptures for various parts of the
campus.
Johnson, who seemed euphoric at
the move, said that despite Friedinan's study, most students will not be
able to attend the University unless
"they are able to -x>rner a small but
significant percentage of the world's
gold reserves." "We won't admit
them," he explained. "Brains won't
mean a damned thing. We're going to
stop asking for SAT reports and high
school transcripts and start
demanding bank balances."
Dead Faculty
/Continued /rum page 31
position in the General Honors
Department if the University allows
her to_ teach in the area of her
specialty.
Meanwhile, Benjamin Franklin
Scholars Program Director Unda
Weidmann reported the Admissions
office is actively recruiting Karen
Ann Quinlan as a potential BF
Scholar. Weidmann admitted Quinlan
"hasn't said much" about the offer,
which
originated
in
the
bioengineering department.
news in brief
Compiled from United Press International
NIXON DRINKS TEA-Calling mainland China "the good guys" former
President Richard Nixon became a Chinese citizen today, and a member of the
ruling Chinese Communist Party. "Show me a country that can make a great
wall and a great eggroll," Nixon said, "and I'll take one from column A any
time." Nixon's wife Patricia, calling the Chinese "adorable little slanty-eyed
bastards," said "if he thinks I'm going to live with chinks he can go suck eggs."
HOLE FOUND IN BAGEL SCHEME-The New York Bagel Company, famed
multi-national bagel manufacturers, has been charged by a Senate committee of
giving 12 million to Israeli officials in return for the company receiving the bagel
concession to visiting New York tourists. The bagel firm also held lavish parties
stocked with lox and Russian borscht, for various officials, the committee
claimed.
CIA BACKED THE MPLA-The Senate Intelligence Committee investigating the
CIA learned Monday that the agency has been supplying the Soviet-backed
MPLA army in its successful struggle for power in war torn Angola. Testifying
before the committee, C'A Deputy Director Milo Minderbinder said (without
batting an eyelash), "TV Senate told us we couldn't help one side, but didn't say
anything about the other." Minderbinder said the agency had some reservations
about supporting the pro-Communist MPLA but that it was more important "to
teach those old farts in Congress a lesson."
REAGAN OPPOSES CONSTITUTION-Republican presidential hopeful Ronald
Reagan proposed Monday that in order to "return power to the people," the
United States should abandon the Constitution and return to the Articles of
Confederation. In a speech on the eve on the New Hampshire primary, the
California governor said it would "especially be fitting in this Bicentennial year"
to delegate federal power to "benevolent state governments," and "screw the
system we now have."
re
Devastating Barroom Brawl Erupts
"bananas Among 'Sniveling' Council Thugs
United Uriisis
Uniled Arlisls
$1.00 at all times.
£111;= CAMPUS
Call ThMtrt (or
S howl i me*
nbiscover 40TH & Chestnut
fonite
Bull&
Barrel
..«
mm
and
^company;
3942 Chestnut St.
4002-Chestnut St.
A Bar & A Half
Ever Loving & Laughable
B. C. The Burner
Nurse's I.D. Nite
25° Off All Mixed Drinks
Sounds Of Now & Then 9-2
9-2
MICHAEL HANLON
■Lightweight' Champ
By JEFF BIRNBAUM
A rumble, compared to "a barroom
brawl" by one participant, erupted in
the middle of a usually staid
University Council meeting Monday.
The fracas began during University
President Martin Meyerson's opening
remarks in which he called the faculty
"a bunch of sniveling blood-suckers"
and the students "slime-ridden slugs
who should pay me through the nose."
The comments were made during
general debate on the issue of faculty
wage increases and student tuition
hikes.
In response, Steering Committee
Chairman Ralph Amado rose to his
feet and said Meyerson was an "incompetent little twirp who beats his
wife." Amado then leaped at
Meyerson, catching him on the left
ankle with his teeth.
At this point, as Provost Eliot
Stellar described it later, "the do-do
hit the fan." Stellar added, however,
"all parties acted in good faith and
will continue to do so in the future."
Show us your Penn
I.D. and you'll get in
FREE.
This Tuesday night (every Tuesday night) is Penn night
at Take 1 discotheque Your ID. gets you in free No
cover No minimum. Not a bad start on an evening of
dancing, drinks and escape from the books*
F. Gerard Adams, Chairman of the
Committee on the Economic Status of
the Faculty, said Associate Provost
John Hobstetter was "the baldest,
most boring man I've ever met."
Hobstetter countered by claiming
Adams flunked Economics 1 as an
undergraduate, adding, "if you guys
really want a raise, you'll have to
fight for it."
Adams then broke the solid wood
meeting table in half with Hobstetter's forehead.
Chairman-elect of the Faculty
Senate Robert Lucid, ex-roommate
and close friend of author Norman
Mailer, stood on the wreckage of the
table and announced, "I am a man, I
am a man, kill, kill."
Vice Provost for Undergraduate
I .iff Patricia McFate took a position
in front of Lucid and replied, "big
deal," and kicked him swiftly between
the legs. Lucid made no further
comment.
"Student participation was not
lacking at this meeting," Undergraduate Assembly Chairman
Michael Hanlon said.
At one point in the battle, Hanlon, a
veteran of fistfights, and Vice
Chairman of the Undergraduate
Assembly Jerry Marcus found
(Continued in column 3)
PHOTOS For
Applications
• Passports
• Resumes
While you wail service
(if needed)
On Campus at
.
SHAPIR STUDIOS
3907 Walnut St
BA 2-7888
Careers in
Public Service
PREPARE NOW!
LSAT • GMAT • MCAT
GRE • DAT • CLEP • NTE
SPEED READING* TYPING
A two-year full-time program leading to the
MASTER OF ARTS DEGREE in
URBAN AFFAIRS AND POLICY ANALYSIS
Graduates of this program serve in key
policy planning and analysis positions in
city, slate, and federal government, major
community agencies, and research organizations in the United States and
Canada.
a four-year economic development
strategy for New York City's Economic
Development Administrator: a strategy
for the improvement of work In America
with the President's Commission on Productivity.
The program's faculty represents a
unique blend of academic achievement
and practical exposure to the problems
of government at the federal, state and
local levels. The courses and laboratories
in the program are organized into five
areas. Three are related to specific fields
of knowledge—urban environments, policy-making, and programs and services
Two are skills oriented-analytic skill and
problem solving.
Work internships add to the students'
skills. As part of the program, students
have worked for a variety of governmental or quasi-governmental agencies—including the Brookings Institution; Toronto
Metropolitan Planning Board; U.S. Department of Health, Education and WeU
fare Regional Office; and various offices
and bureaus of the City of New York
(including the Mayor's Office).
A key feature of the program is a series
of problem-solving laboratories in which
teams of students work on actual major
policy problems currently facing policymakers in urban government. Student
laboratory reports have included recommendations for policy on urban neighborhood health services to a congressman;
CENTER FOR NEW YORK CITY AFFAIRS
The New
5fs
School
Mmmrlca'm Firm! University lor Adult-,
66 Fifth Avenue • N Y., NY, 10011
Scholarships and fellowships are available for qualified applicants. Registration
is being accepted now for the 1976-77
academic year. For bulletin, application,
and financial aid information, call collect
(212) 741-7910 or mail the coupon below.
,
I
.
I
I
I
■
1
C-15
Director
Program in Urban Aflairs and
Policy Analysis
Center for New York City Affairs
New School for Social Research
66 Filth Avenue
New York. NY 10011
I Please send me information on the Program
! in Unban Affairs and Policy Analysis
Crly-
_S:«-»-
X
THE HILTON HOTEL OF PHILADELPHIA
CIVIC
Center Blvd at 34th St Phila PA 387-8333
•Rj«¥»ylvene tarr prorxMS inyorw under 21 ymn of sea from purcnamg alcofioic carve ages
ALG. • TRIG. • STAT. • GEOM
DAY, EVE., SAT. • VET APP.
COLLEGE SKILLS CENTER
. 1717 Walnut St. 56l-2fOO
rTrlVrWrTrrr,.|V|.,M-^
Of Whats Happening With
Come To The First Meeting
Of Perm's Fund Raising Organization
Tuesday, February 24
7:30
Dietrich Hall W-228
-ZIP-
y.y.yiyiyiYiy.viy.YlYiriYr.T.TlTlT'V
The Daily ftnnsyh
Tuesday, February 24, 1976
Page 7
Smokey's Beer on Ice - Literally
ByJOELBERG
Smokey Joe's last night announced that its bar will be relocated in the penalty
box of the Class of "23 Rink, rather than in the 40th Street Mall as originally
planned. "The hockey team supplies us with virtually all our business," explained Smokey"s spokesman Paul Ryan. "You know what they say, 'If
Mohammad can't come to the mountain...' "
When contacted duringthe Bio 6 lecture on the reproductive tract of Eskimoes,
the players were ecstatic. Earl Jessiman let out a war whoop which shook the
staid halls of Leidy Ijib and caused the cancellation of class. "This is what I've
been awaiting for three years at Perm," exclaimed Jessiman
When reminded that he was being quoted for print, he quickly added, "Oh, of
course I'd also love to make those ACC playoffs, or whatever they're called." He
then laughed hysterically.
"We can't let this affect us," said a worried Bob Crocker while sipping his third
double martini at Doc Watson's and wondering aloud where all his hair went.
"We've got another must game tonight against Colgate Palmolive and we can't
let anything distract us."
Jessiman, when reached later in Rosengarten while Xeroxing a secret copy of
tomorrow's Bio test, added, "I'm sick of listening to the Crock's lectures in
between periods. He's full of (expletive deleted). I'd rather we hit Smoke's, then
we'd really come out flying for trie final period."
In a related development, former Penn defenseman Steve "Babyface" Siba
immediately applied for re-admlssion to the university. "I have carefully
reconsidered my academic priorities," explained Siba, while looking under the
sofa for his teething ring, "and I have concluded that a college degree is
necessary to success in life."
In a totally unrelated development, Philadelphia Flyers' coach Fred Shero was
mugged while his team ran through practice at the Class of '23. No suspects were
apprehended but a ski cap with the Montreal Canadiens insignia was found by
police <fo the scene.
Commented Sam Taggart, "Our defense has been leaky all year, and I guess
this was just another example."
Added Security Chief Donald Shultis, "I wasn't exactly upset by the incident.
You see, I'm a diehard Rangers' fan."
^M^.l
L
I-
f
^^
*i^fl
j
...
^^n^^^B^B^^^^H
Hr
Howie Keinck
I VANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD-The masochistic Penn ruggers have been
accused of using physical pressure to help elevate rugby to varsity status. Let the
picture speak for Itself.
EARN S60-PER MONTH
DONAUBLOOD PLASMA
• ^III/II.-. ( •mi i'iui-iil X I'ti'liliihlr
• /'.»ir 11 W .-r/,/\ Imniiit' U hi'..- \im S/m/\ or Hvlux
• ' ••/! 1 fim-nt I m Affo/i
• fVciwinr. < tmtf.trmi>l,- I „, ihlir-
INTERSTATE BLOOD BANK
2503 N. BROAD ST.
For Info
(215)228-2343
BA 2 1950 ""X^"
Home Of Fine Mexican Food
Howard Katzman
COME ON UP AND SEE US SOMETIME—These comely visitors at Smokey
Joe's are anxious to give the Quaker hockey players as warm a welcome as
possible.
Ruggers Hunger
For Competition
ByGUIDO
After more than six months of steady pressure upon the Athletic Department,
the Administration and the Philadelphia Police Dept., the Penn Rugby Club has
been elevated to varsity sports status. Unreliable sources indicated that the
move was made to end the dwindling supply of varsity teams.
The latest drive for varsity status had been indirectly linked to the disappearance of certain varsity players in other sports.
Philadelphia police have investigated reports that one rugby lobbying method
being practiced by the ruggers was cannibalism. Their admiration of the
Peruvian National Rugby team, which stayed alive after a plane crash in the
Andes Mountains by eating the dead passengers, was allegedly responsible for its
adoption.
"There is no truth to these rumors," reported Police Commissioner Joseph
O'Neill, who was finally located In a West Philadelphia Gino's. "While the rugby
parties now include roast meats, we have been assured it is not human flesh."
Still, no one could explain why the team usually had from 130-200 pounds of
choice meat each party.
AD. Andy Geiger denied that the decision was made after several rugby
players were seen salivating at the freshman basketball squad. "We were not
intimidated into this move," he whispered from under his desk.
Rugby officers acknowledged an unusually sharp increase in the number of
foreign players, but attributed this to the University's liberal recruiting admissions.
We are delighted by our new status," club president Scott "Voodoo" Tillson
replied. "We are happy with the fresh blood that is coming out for the team. A
really delicious position to be in."
When questioned about the real heart of the matter, co-captain Rick "Guts"
EUiott belched, "I'll have mine rare," and proceeded to pick a bone with this
D.P. reporter.
So now the Daily Pennsylvanian wholeheartedly endorses this latest addition
to the University sporting family. But it's not true that "rugby players eat their
dead." Or is it?
Tacos - Burritos - Enchiladas - Tamales Chili - Beans - Rice
Also orders
Complete Dinners $1.99 To $2.99
totakeout
Mexican Lunch $1.45
Corner ot 3»th * Chestnut
E^URfhTiSA"
SINFUL A
Beach And Party Week .
Daytona Beach, Florida
ONLY $124
Same Week As College
Expo 76
Free Transportation To
And From Disneyworld
For Reservations
And Info:
Call Karen
EV2-7175
***A***A**AA****A***«VVMV***VVM**Af
*************************************
Value up to $3.50
You and your guests are invited to enjoy
one complimentary dinner free with the
purchase of a second dinner of greater
value at
Indian Restaurant
110 South 40th Street, Phila. BA2-2245
237 Chestnut St., Phila.
MA7-3020
m
mi
HW
i — ■
Please BringThis Coupon^WJth^Youd
Mask And Wig
On Campus Performances
"Is It Yesterday
Already?"
Annenberg School Auditorium
Thurs., Fri., Sat. March 4,5, 6
Tickets on sale in Annenberg Box Office
A i urncr lhal is challenging, l»'i uusc you'll be dealing with lop
management. A career Ihul i
warding, because you'll l»' helping! ompanics develop programs
in benefil Iheir employee's A
salaried curcei lhal has high
mi ■ uiit- .mil managcmenl potential
fUNIVERSITY T
BUSINESS MACHINES
In The Heart Of The Bookstore
lUky Hd Btiiuj 9K tjwrt Toted lipwule* F«w A
CwHpfete Cfeojuttfl.
Last chance to see the most novel salute to our country's
birth.
*MM¥MV»*MVM**M****************A******»
Wouldn't it
be Great
to start
at the
Next to being president, ihe bcsl
tinny is to sii across Ihc desk
from Ihe president on equal
terms. That's wli.it we huve in
mind for you.
Open Mon, Tues, Wed,
Thurs, & Sun
11 am to midnite
Fri & Sat till am
0
TOP?
The position is Representative,
Group Accounts; a salaried position, marketing and servicing
Group Benefil Programs Pension and profit sharing plans;
group life, health and dental
coverages. We have several
openings throughout the United
States because ol company expansion. We are seeking sratiuates with bai helors degrees Preferred majors arc business, commerce, lommuiiM at ions, finance
and marketing.
We are the sei t>nd largest
Canadian insure I and rank 19th
in size among all companies in
North America with over 25 billion ol insurant e in-force: doing
business in the United Stales
since 1906. We specialize in
group insurance which accounts
f0| o\ 11 ""11 ot oiii business in-
The Rcld we're talking aboul is
sophisticated and technical. It
will i all on Ihe expertise you've
,n quired in college, md .1 great
deal mmc which we'll pro* ide
li demands constant growth and
1 ontinuous learning.
We SeK Tke Beol & Re|>ai* Tke Real
Out Pikes Aw Csttpeiiiuie
We OpvuU A Swuit* Cente*
We Give Semite. We Tkucfe Sextiiee.
GENERAL CINEMA CORPORATION
Bergrru
s
(^b(fMAGICcFmJTEr
LuninuT mriLL M™ HI-III
222-2344
WALNUTat39THl
7:50
9:35
force.
BARGAIN^
MATINEE
Interested? Then \oure the kind of person we want to talk to. Our
career representative will be on campus soon. Arrange an appointment
now through your campus Career Placement Director.
Great-West Life
G-m —
Y I'M
SAT ana SUN
IMS
till 3 p.n
n»aw»*<'WM.«iMu. »™,»jostP".iy"»''
GLENBA IACKSON MICHAEL CAINE
HELMUT BERGER
The Romantic Englishwoman
7:30 9:45
!
ND's Parseghian Is Penn's New Grid Coach
By TOM BITERA
DP Sports Editor
Ara Parseghian, famed former
coach of the Notre Dame football
team, will soon be announced as the
new head coach of the Penn Quakers.
Sources in Weightman Hall, Penn's
athleticofficecomplex, confirmed that
Parseghian will move East within
three weeks and take over the gridiron reins from Harry Gamble.
"It's great, just great," bubbled the
outgoing Gamble who was slow to
realize Parseghian was taking his job.
"The signing of Parseghian has to be
Ex-Fighting Irish Coach Comes Out of Retirement
the best thing to happen to the Penn
football program since... well, nothing
good has ever happened to Penn
football."
Parseghian had been busying
himself with stock ventures and a
Ford commercial contract when
feelers from the University of Pennsylvania came his way about 10 days
ago. The 20-year veteran coaching
genius, who admitted being restless
since stepping down from the Notre
Dame head coaching job, quickly took
the offensive.
Contracts were negotiated within a
week and an announcement of Parseghian's hiring was planned for this
Thursday. The man who had come to
symbolize Fighting Irish football
during his 97-14-7 tenure in South
Bend, is in the area on business this
week and will attend the press conference Thursday.
When contacted at a nearby Ford
dealer, Parseghian talked freely and
enthusiastically about his new
position. "I feel like a new man," Ara
began. "This is just the thing I've
been looking for. A nice, quiet spot
with lots of greenery and lots of nice,
quiet fans who don't expect you to win
the national title."
The man most responsible for
swinging the Parseghian deal is
University trustee Bob Levy, Penn
sports' most enthusiastic money
backer. "This is by far my biggest
accomplishment," Levy said via
telephone from his Atlantic City Race
Track office. "Those self-righteous
Ivy League pea-brains say money
isn't the important thing. But I got us
that son of a Benjamin Franklin."
Levy, currently a partner in
business with Parseghian, would not
reveal the terms of the lucrative
contract. But estimates hold the
figure between $1 and $1.5 million.
Parseghian admitted that the only
thing which prevented him from
getting back into coaching was the
pressure. "That is what I got out for,"
Ara confirmed. "And there was no
way I was going back to that. Not
when I'm set financially like I am
now. Do you know that I get a new
Ford every six months? And do you
know that it's a good thing I get them
every six months because that's as
long as they last."
When the consequences of Parseghian's arrival finally sunk in,
Gamble was downcast. "I guess I
shouldn't be down losing out to a
legend like Parseghian," the nowunemployed coach said in a subdued
voice. "But my rhododendrums were
just starting to come in and now I've
got to uproot them. This is worse than
leaving football players behind on a
road trip. I've spent a lot of time
talking to those damned flowers."
Except for Gamble, the attitude at
Weightman Hall was bright. "I'm
making room in the trophy case for
the Ivy Football title cup," brimmed
Associate Athletic Director Charlie
Scott. "I haven't got anything better
to do today." Director of Sports Information Ed Fabricius remarked,
"This is the first Penn football coach
who has ever appeared on national
television. This is the first Penn
football coach who was Number One
in the nation! Hell! This is the first
Penn football COACH!!"
And the center of the attention is
also excited. "I'm sure I'll love it,"
Parseghian said. "Imagine, having
built-in excuses for not winning. How
can they expect you to win when you
don't give football scholarships and
aren't allowed to warm up for the
season in the spring and summer?"
"You'll have to excuse me now,"
Parseghian interrupted, "my Gran
Torino is beginning to smoke. I think I
left it out in the sun too long."
IB
At this, Gamble quickly put his hand
on hismouthand glanced at his plants
which were starting to wilt. "It's that
kind of day," the coach muttered.
Photos by Justin Schecter
Lisa Scailopim
THIS WAY OUT- At a Penn football game this fall, a displeased crowd mounts
the chant "Harry Must Go" and points the way for Harry Gamble (Inset) to the
Franklin Field exit. Yesterday their wishes were answered.
WHEN IRISH EYES ARE SMILING- A very content Ara Parseghian surveys
the field on which he hopes to build a new dynasty In the mold of the one he
established at Notre Dame.
Frosh Five Eligible for NCAA Playoffs
By JON STEVENS
Chuck Daly momentarily stopped
his little jig and gleefully brandished a
copy of the Ivy Iieague rule book. "It's
all there," he thundered. "It only
states that freshmen are prohibited
from playing on the varsity, but it
doesn't say anything, not even one
word, about an entire team of freshmen playing in a post-season tournament in place of the varsity."
The phone rang, forcing Daly to get
a grip on himself. "It's Walter Byers,
Chuck," said his secretary.
"Yes...Yes..YES!" bellowed Daly.
"Oh, thank you, thank you," he
gasped, and hung up the phone. Tears
were beginning to well up in his eyes.
"Well, if the Comissioner of the
NCAA says it's OK, then there's not
too much anybody can say, is there?"
said Chuck Daly with finality.
Take that, Pete Carril. It seems as if
Penn will once again send a
representative to the NCAA
basketball championships, after all.
Jon Zimman
The unstoppable Pennsylvania freshJAMES BROWN
men, 15-0, are undoubtedly one of the
Prayers Answered
finest teams in the East, and now that
ailllllllllllllllllllllllllllMIIIIIIIHIIIIIlllllllllllllllllllHIII
I I
Mill, ' i.i
lli
the red tape has been cleared away,
they confidently expect to receive one
of the NCAA's at-large bids.
"There's just no way the selection
committee can refuse us," remarked
frosh coach Bob Staak. "Anyone who
has seen us knows we belong.
"You know, it gets me mad when I
hear that Rutgers and Indiana are the
nation's only undefeated teams. It's
about time somebody gives us the
recognition we deserve."
"Oh-my-God!" exclaimed Rutgers
mentor Tom Young, when notified of
the Quaker frosh's tournament
eligibility. "This certainly does throw
a monkey-wrench into the works."
The undefeated Scarlet Knights,
ranked fourth ".ationally, have
already dispensed with the Quaker
varsity, 95-80. In contrast to the
pattern offense of the varsity, Staak's
This Day in Sports
It has to go down as the most eventful day in Penn sports history. The football
team finds a new head coach, one that has won a National Championship. The
soaring freshman five rockets even higher with the news they can enter the
NCAA's due to an oversight in the NCAA by-laws. And the time-honored Big Five
goes with an unprecedented expansion.
The repercussions of this day's happenings will be felt clear to the end of the!
week. Bubbled former DP Executive Editor Larry Fields in retrospect, "It's
almost too good, or in some cases, bad, to be true."
Never let it be said ex-DP Executive Editors aren't for something.
high-powered frosh are a team which,
should they meet Rutgers in the finals
of the Eastern Regionals, would attempt to defeat the Knights at their
own fast-paced game.
"I know this means hard work, but
it's a chance we deserve. It's a
challenge we're ready for," reflected
leading frosh scorer Tony Price.
"Man, we're going all the way!"
Following a hearing yesterday at
the NCAA's New York head-quarters
to consider the interpretation of obscure Ivy League bylaws, a
spokesman said the ruling was made
in "The spirit of competition" and
"was consistent with the NCAA's past
record of well thought out decisions."
"I was shocked and overwhelmed
when I heard the news," admitted
Staak during an interview in his
Weightman Hall office. "Just thinkmy first season and already I'm going
to the tournament. This is really the
high point of my life. To take a team to
the NCAA-it's every coach's dream."
Chuck Daly's voice suddenly issued
sweetly from his adjoining office.
"What's that I heard, Bob?"
Mtctuel Nathan
BOB STAAK
Happy Berth-Day
Fresh Duo Joins Big 5 at Spectrum
As Drexel, Textile Enter Limelight
■ •
*,
FROSH CROP- Freshman soccer coach Duncan Hubley surveys his frosh crop:
which has grown to a robust one foot-eight inches at this printing. "They'rej
coming along well," said Hubley. "But we can't really tell anything until they:
jprout legs and feet."
SlIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMIIIIIIIHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIItlllltllllllllllllllllllltllllllllllllW
By JONATHAN LANSNER
"With Big Five attendance and
interest as low as a hooker's neckline
we just had to do something,"
declared Big Five spokesman, Ernie
Casale.
In this startling announcement
Monday afternoon, Casale revealed
that local basketball powerhouses
Drexel and Philadelphia Textile will
be added to City Series competition
for the 1976-77 season.
The basketball conglomoration of
Philadelphia are colleges known as
the Big Five began play in 1956 with
the city series games traditionally
being played in the West Philadelphia
bandbox usually referred to as the
Palestra. In past years, the intracity
competition drew large and fanatic
crowds, but more recently the ushers
have been in the majority at many
Palestra events.
"It had to be done," affirmed
Villanova's Rollie Massamino. "New
York is planning a Big Seven and if we
played them, we'd be out-manned."
Noting the limited accessibility,
non-existent parking, and highly
unsafe surrounding neighborhood of
the Palestra, the "Big Seven" has
made tentative agreements with the
Spectrum to have the City Series
matches played in the South
Philadelphia Arena.
"Playing in the Spectrum will be
great," commented Quaker cocaptain Mark Lonetto, while standing
nude at a Penn practice session after
missing foul throws in a strip foul
shooting contest. "The Palestra's
such a dive anyway." Big Seven
doubleheaders are planned for
Saturday afternoons throughout the
winter.
Five reactions to the Big Five
shake-up were mixed. "Very good,"
commented Penn Athletic Director
Andy Geiger, "two more patsies on
our schedule should just titillate the
alumni." Drexel hoop coach Don
(P.T.) Harnum remarked, "This
developement should increase attendance and city interest for our
games, although at the expense of the
quality of our schedule."
Pointing to three high- rise structures just off the Drexel campus,
Harnum concluded, "Worst of all we
gotta play THEM, but thank the lord
they don't play basketball like they
perform on the gridiron. I'm a real
Joe Paterno fan."
Some folks are very happy with the
new-born Big Seven. "Outrageous,"
shouted Penn frosh star Tony Price,
"Now Just get (Keven) McDonald to
pass and I'll score 40 a game against
those dogs." Wharton student Ed
Stefanski seemed especially pleased
with the financial aspects of the move.
"Big Seven in the Spectrum should
bring in lots of'moolah,'" he grinned.
In Washington, President Ford,
remarked "that going from five to
seven was an inflationary move,"
then proceeded to fall down a flight of
steps. Meanwhile, at a press conference in Wolfeboro, N.H., Ronald
Reagan said, "If the people of
Philadelphia don't like the way things
are being run there, they can up and
move to some city where they approve
of the basketball allocations."
The mathematics of the move did
puzzle Red and Blue coach Chuck
Daly, "The Big Five is adding two
teams, right?" After fumbling with
his fingers for a moment he continued,
"We'll have to come up with a new
name for the league. There's already
a Big Eight Conference out west."
Hopefully Mr. Daly's math will
improve as much as city series excitement should escalate this coming
year.
H-S ainjijsui ^OO.TUBH uuor
9I-E
n *aJ3S
m
MMJ. ZV
s|mg oSuopQ
6£-«l
si-s I(DOH Xj8ddn,S-oS-joN
H-J
fl »JBUIBS}B*A
69T0
I ij V BJOSUV
aSailoo JBUJB3
91-Z
ajniM jauDjna
e-»
A\UBH 1J UlBIKI/A
91-Z
91-Z
BAIUS9A
Jood aqj jo sjajsis
91-Z
isiidsg uojS9[jBqo
91-Z
ajnjijsui JBJSIAA
91-Z
71 Ja3jnquiBH
91-Z
il-£ (9Z) <3ja[\ ppauXMQ
(IE) 8|du»i
9I-S
(IX) auuoqjos »"I
oz-o
CI-9
U6) dauus^iABuiv
'SHI qoaj, OOSIQ
9E-W-9E
Tiiis is a photo cradlt
CHUCK IJALY
Five + Two Equals...
oz
61
81
i\
91
SI
H
ei
zi
U
01
'6
8
i
9
S
»
£
Z
l
(sasaqjuajBd ui sap A, aoey JSB-I)
OZ ujouog un
1