B ASTA R D
MARCH 31, 2017
THE
THE MOST TRUSTED SOURCE OF RE AL NEWS
THETA DELT MOVE ANGERS WABASH GODS
P I C H AEL AD A MS ‘19 | STAFF
W R I TE R • Strange happenings have
been afoot this year at Wabash College
and in Crawfordsville. The student body
has suffered several almost supernatural
losses this school year. From the loss of
the beloved Monon Bell to the loss of
the beloved Sir Jonathon R. Provolone’s
Pizzeria, the community is clamoring
for answers. Even the campus’s vigilant
protector, Gossip Squirrel, is nowhere to
be found. It is uncertain whether or not
the chaos will stop, nor is it certain that
a solution can be reached anytime soon.
This reporter decided to do some digging
and to finally get to the bottom of these
mysterious occurrences.
I pinned down a rough estimate as to
what might be triggering these events. The
chaos began sometime last fall; however,
there were no significant cosmic or
meteorological episodes that would have
triggered such a supernatural reaction. I
followed up this hunch by investigating
the earthly chakras surrounding campus.
The layout of the campus is meticulously
laid out, and it seems that last year’s
attempt to summon a portal to hell
with the new student housing proved
fruitless. With most construction done,
there seemed to be no likely source
of geographical disturbances until an
advertisement in this very paper gave me
the hint I needed.
The Theta Delta Chi fraternity
recently moved from their sacredly
squalid mansion into a campus-owned
dormitory. Such a shift in fraternal
shenanigans would most certainly throw
the campus ground chakras out of line.
farcical features. Upwards of a $1 billion
was spent on the senate retreat, and
most of the reported receipts were from
bars and liquor stores. The remaining
85% of the apparently endless budget
went to funding national act; the
headliner of the event is reportedly an
up-and-coming rapper from President
of the Student Body Quack Sellerman’s
hometown. The senate’s spending
is likely to continue to spiral out of
control, alongside numerous other
aspects of Wabash life.
I talked to Ike Skaters, Dean of the
College and self-proclaimed master of
the occult, to try and find a solution for
the constant chaos on campus.
“Theta Delt’s movement across
campus has effectively angered the
Wabash Gods by upsetting the natural
balance and fung shwe of the campus,”
Skaters said. “The God of Speech
Northwoods Bridgance is most angered
by this shift. Northwoods Bridgance is a
particularly fickle god because his name
is often misspelled.”
Amid his explanation of the Speech
God, Skaters offered one solution: “A
lone Theta Delt pledge must uproot
a tree from beside the TKE house,”
Skaters said. “After that he must bring
the tree carcass to the steps of the
chapel, where it will be soaked in a
thirty rack of the cheapest beer, and
then set ablaze at dawn. Only then will
Northwoods Bridgance be appeased.”
LEVI GARRISON ‘18 / PHOTO The Theta Delta Chi fraternity is
Ever since the deans moved Theta Delt from their luxurious mansion on Washington Street, considering this among their options,
but is seeking a solution that does not
the Wabash Gods have plagued the campus with numerous punishments.
lead to a loss of beer.
The dates also matched perfectly. It seems
that the relocation of Theta Delta Chi was
the event that started this chain reaction.
Since the move, many contrarian
events have occurred. As stated above,
the once honorable Sir Jonathon R.
Provolone suddenly found himself
laundering money for a major DVD
pirating cartel. His illicit acts lead to the
permanent closure of Sir Jonathon R.
Provolone’s Pizzeria. After seven years in
its rightful home, the sacred Monon Bell
was lost to our rivals down south. The
formerly honest officials helped rig the
game against our beloved football team.
More recently, your student senate
has abandoned their fun and fruitful
ways in favor of fervent frivolity for
A GUIDE FOR NEXT SEMESTER’S CLASSES
KE NT M CP H A IL ‘19 | STAFF W RI TER •
PSC-327: Politics of a Dictatorship
Ever wondered how the greatest governments are ran? In this course, we will study
multiple dictatorships and the politics of these governments. We will look at the
early governments of the great Julius Caesar to the fantastic Muammar Gaddafi. As
part of the course, students will spend Thanksgiving (and the rest of their lives) in
Pyongyang, North Korea. Please apply by emailing Prof.
Michael Smells.
THE-231 History of Adult Films
In this course, we will indulge in the great X-rated movies in the history of mankind. From Marilyn Monroe to Mia Khalifa, this course aims to increase the knowledge about production and filming of these independent movies. Student reviews
have complained about forearm pain while performing research, but well worth daily
studying. Email Prof. Jim Blueberry about any questions.
CHE-103 Science of Narcotics
Inspired by the work of Brian Cranston and El Chapo, this course teaches students
how to create those popular pharmaceuticals as seen on TV. From Sudafed to THC,
the class aims to create these compounds for “educational” purposes only. Classes
will meet in the “greenhouse” everyday from 4:19 to 4:21 p.m. Students are encouraged to bring their own snacks. Talk to Prof. Lisa Wasabi about any questions about
the course.
CSC-101/PSC 101 How to Win the U.S. Election
Ever wanted to lead the United States of America? This course teaches students
how to properly use computer science to win the United States election. While some
state this to be a “fake class,” this class is considered a yuuuuuuge help to their political careers. In addition, past students have interacted with Russian citizens to help
with their final project. Prof. Kathryn Streets will be teaching this course.
VOLUME 109 • ISSUE 22
BASTARD
EXECUTIVE ORDER 1832
I, President Jack William Kellerman, order the Bachelor
and its editorial staff to immediately cease and desist its
publication. This order comes from the surfacing of its
continual coverage of “fake news” which plagues this great
College.
1. Purpose . To Make Wabash Great Again. In order to Make
Wabash Great Again, we need an unbiased media that allows
for the President (of the Student Body) to do and whatever he
pleases. This College does not need alternative facts and fake
news stopping our great leader.
2. Findings . Their unfounded allegations regarding the
current Wabash College Student Body administration are very
“SAD.” Rather, they should be focusing on my “very good
brain.” The current administration has had no incidents of
embezzlement. The reasoning, as speculated from a welltrained eye, for the Bachelor running such a libelous “Hi-Five”
stems from their lack of creativity and things to report on.
3. Policy . The Bachelor will be suspended from releasing
a newspaper for the next six days after the latest publication.
In the meantime, each proud Wally is asked to do his part
to do something memorable in order to give the Bachelor ’s
Editorial Staff something to write about to stimulate what little
creativity they may (or may not) have.
THE BACHELOR | WABASH.EDU/BACHELOR |
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BASTARD
PHI DELT HOUSE DIAGNOSED WITH LUNG CANCER BASTARD
HERBY WACHS ‘18 | STAFF
WRITER • CRAWFORDSVILLE-
Local fraternity house, Phi
Delta Theta, has been recently
diagnosed with lung cancer from
second hand smoke inhalation.
According to tests run Monday
by Dr. Reggie, the house has little
time left.
“Not to be blunt, but according
to my projections, I believe the
house’s final blow and untimely
demise will come on the 20th of
April,” the honorable doctor said.
Brothers at Phi Delt are
currently in distress about
the situation. Some are even
attempting to quit bad habits in
order to help the house.
“You know, everyone warns
you about the harmful effects
of producing dope clouds, but
it doesn’t hit you until someone
close is affected like this,” Paul
Mall ‘19 said. “I’m willing to quit
my nasty habits if it means saving
our beloved frat house.”
Although some PDT brothers
are shocked by the grim
news, members of the school
maintenance staff are not
surprised to hear of the house’s
ailing health, “Doesn’t surprise
me much,” Inspector Kief said.
“It’s awfully dank in there.” In
an effort to keep the memory
of the fraternity house burning
brightly in our hearts, the college
is setting aside funding for a new
pharmacy to be constructed in
the house’s place after the burial.
Hopefully other houses do not
succumb to a fate like PDT’s.
very brotherly. According
to documents leaked by
“wenevershouldhaveaskedwally.
com,” the college’s whistleblower
page, Wabash’s administration
has been caught operating a vast
surveillance network. From students
to professors, and trustees to
townies, the espionage network
has penetrated every aspect of life
on campus.
Think that drone used to
film Chapel Sing is a harmless
social media tool? Nope. Leaked
records show that the college has
procured dozens of them and has
received permits from the city of
Crawfordsville to operate them at all
hours. Several theater majors have
disappeared after being spotted
tagging college property with “#art.”
What about those Campus Services
vans? You may think that they’re
archaic vehicles driven by genial
men. Wrong. Each one is equipped
with microwave eavesdropping
devices capable of hearing normal
conversations through walls a
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| MARCH 31, 2017 | THE BACHELOR
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Paul Dickensheets • [email protected]
MISMANAGMENT EDITOR
Heath Cockburn • [email protected]
BASTARD EDITOR
Willie Stroker • [email protected]
NEWS EDITOR
Bean Johnson • [email protected]
OP ONION EDITOR
Aha Moment • [email protected]
SPORTS EDITOR
Buck Dixoncider • [email protected]
PHOTO EDITOR
Richard Peck • [email protected]
COPY EDITOR
Ken Wage • [email protected]
BACHELOR ADVISOR
HELP WANTED • no salary, no benefits, high stress;
please send applications to Editor Dickensheets
LEVI GARRISON ‘18 / PHOTO
President of Phi Delta Theta, James B. Ong ‘20, has stated that the fraternity will
be holding a eulogy as soon as the house passes.
WIRETAPPING ON CAMPUS?
DAVI D SHEEP ‘20 | STAFF
W RI T ER • Big Brother is not
301 W. Wabco Ave.,
Crawfordsville, IN, 47933
foot thick. Whistleblowers have
reportedly witnessed several deans
personally operating the devices.
“I was inside my room having
a FaceTime argument with my
girlfriend,” one student said. “When
I saw Dean Mott outside 15 minutes
later, he told me that constant
romantic berating made for an
unhealthy relationship.”
Now, while no student can speak
or move on campus without being
recorded, the amount of scrutiny by
Big Brother varies.
Members of the student senate,
who have failed to question the
installation of cameras in the
Goodrich room, appear to be the
center of the administration’s
espionage scheme. And, some are
responding to the privacy intrusion
more severely than others.
The President of the Student Body
hasn’t been seen in class in the week
since moles within the Center Hall
made this scandal public. After some
searching, The Bastard reporters
located him in the basement of the
armory living inside of a cage. He
refused to leave the electronic wave-
blocking capsule, stating that he
could feel the microphones recording
his thoughts. It is important to note
that microphone bugs were found in
the president’s microwave, dresser,
and backpack.
Other students are taking action
to confuse the administration’s
electronic senses by wearing
identical grey jumpsuits and
attaching bells to their shoes to
drown out talking.
Also drowned is the academic
libido of students. In classrooms
across campus, the liberal arts
are dead because the fear of
administrative monitoring has
silenced any vocalization of ideas.
Not even campus-wide email chains
are safe.
Resistance to educational
authoritarianism is impossible,
and the only privacy and freedom
will we possess is the five inches
between our ears. There is no more
autonomy, the omnipotent deans
make our decisions, and know when
we disobey. The gentleman’s rule is
now the gentlemens’ rule.
The purpose of The Bastard is to serve the whims of
its staff and produce the highest quality information
possible. This includes, but is not limited to dragging
administrators, faculty, staff, parents, alumni,
community members and most importantly, the
students, through the mud. Because this is a “school”
paper, the content and character within will cater to
the student body’s debauched interests, demented
ideas, and dilatory issues. Further, this publication will
serve as a medium and forum for student opinions and
ideas to contact the great beyond.
Although a dictatorial newspaper, the Board of
Publications shamefully publishes The Bastard. The
Bastard and BOP receive the funding they embezzele
from the Wabco Student Senate, which derives its
funds from mercilous taxation of the members of the
Wabco student body.
Letters to the editor are welcomed and encouraged.
They must be sent by standard carrier pigeon in scroll
format, tied up with a severed mouse tail. Letters will
only be published if they include the name, phone, or
e-mail of the person who is dissenting (for accurate
return of abuse) and are not longer than 3 words.
The Bastard reserves the right to edit letters for
content, typographical errors, and length. All letters
received become property of this publication for
the purposes of reprinting and/or redistribution. If a
letter does not appear to be the same one that was
submitted, don’t worry. It’s probably because the
submitter failed to acurately get across how excellent
our publication is. Profanity must appear in the
publication, but will be ommitted in cases of direct
quote unless profanity is necessary to the content
of the story. Please do not confuse profanity with
obscenity. We want both. No article or picture of an
obscene nature will appear in this publication.
The Bastard is printed every year around April 1. It
freely enlightens all students, faculty, and staff at
Wabco of the stories they should be paying attention
to.
BASTARD
PORTALLING TO A BETTER NATIONAL ACT
JAN MICHAEL VINCENT
‘18 | STAFF WRITER • Imagine
a machine that can transport
you to an endless number of
different dimensions that hold
endless possibilities. This is what
Wabash student Rick Sanchez
‘17 is working on for his senior
capstone project in Theoretical
Physics 497. Sanchez is known
on campus as the regular wiz
kid with a big social reputation;
he has over 20 patents in the
physics field. Inventions like
his interdimensional cable box,
which allows users to access
TV channels from numerous
dimensions, have made Sanchez a
familiar face on campus. Although
many of Sanchez’s inventions
have gained national attention
and has wowed most of Wabash’s
campus, Sanchez’s classmate
Sylvester Squanchy ‘18 describes
his portal gun as “his best
invention yet.”
Sanchez said that his invention
is still unfinished, but he decided
to do a test run on the machine
last Saturday. In this test run,
Sanchez decided to a visit a
dimension with the most stable
connection to our own.
“After the transport, I arrived
on a Wabash campus similar to
our own, yet the campus seemed
much larger with approximately
10,000 students give or take,”
Sanchez said. “What was funny
about the experience, though,
was that I arrived on the day they
were having their national act.”
Apparently while on this
academic experiment, Sanchez
decided that it would benefit
his research if he attended said
national act; fortunately, his
Wabash ID card still worked in
this dimension. The national act,
described by Sanchez, was much
bigger and extravagant than our
own due to the larger student body.
“What surprised me the most
was the names they had on the
setlist,” Sanchez said. “I was
excited, amazed, scared, and
confused at the same time. The
opening of the event started off
with a playing of the national
anthem by Jimi Hendrix.”
Sanchez explained that Hendrix
was still alive in this dimension,
yet due to his drug use early
in his career, he suffered from
dementia, which diminished his
PHOTO COURTESY OF FOOD NETWORK
In an alternate dimension, national act is actually good, and Guy Fieri is known as the world’s best jazz scatt artist.
music ability severely. Hendrix
was touring at the time, but due
to his mental state, he could only
play the national anthem before
other musical performances.
After the opening act, the
one and only Childish Gambio
performed in front of a hysterical
Wabash crowd. The performance
included some music from his
most current album Awaken My
Love, but also some interesting
renditions of songs like Vanessa
Carlton’s “A Thousand Miles” and
Creed’s “With Arms Wide Open.”
Sanchez described the show as,
“An amazing performance, with
some really weird twists. Childish
was very similar to our own
dimension’s, but he was more
experimental, almost to the point
where it made me feel kinda gross
and violated.”
By Sanchez’s description, the
concert sounded like one that all
Wabash students would want to
attend, but one aspect of the show
seemed extremely out of place:
after the two-hour performance
by Childish Gambino, a similar
but surprising face approached
the stage.
“I couldn’t really see who was
approaching the mic because it
was dark, but when I heard the
voice, I couldn’t believe my ears,”
Sanchez said.
“I was excited,
amazed, scared,
and confused at
the same time .”
RICK SANCHEZ
As the stage was lighted up,
Sanchez explained that he saw
Guy Fieri singing to the crowd.
Fieri is known as a TV celebrity
and a famous food critic in our
dimension, but in this dimension,
he was known as the top scat
performer in the world. As Fieri
began singing, Sanchez said
that the atmosphere of the gym
completely changed when Fieri
took the stage.
“I thought that Childish
Gambino was the headliner, but
when Guy Fieri walked on stage,
the crowd began to scream and cry
his name out,” Sanchez said. “At
first I was skeptical, but when he
began scatting, it was like my ears
were being caressed by delicate
angels with spiked bleached hair.”
Sanchez said that after Fieri’s
performance, he was unable to
explore more of the dimension due
to the state Fieri’s scatting skills
put him in.
On his return back to campus,
Sanchez said that recently, he
has been unable to continue
work on his portal gun due to
overwhelming experiene he
underwent during the machine’s
test run. But Sanchez and his
professors admitted that the test
was a success, and they plan to
continue working with with the
machine for Sanchez’s capstone
project. Word has gotten out
about his alternate-dimensional
national act experience, and it
has created a stir among students
on campus, as well as cause a
number of letters being written
out to Guy Fieri, telling him to try
scat out.
THE BACHELOR | WABASH.EDU/BACHELOR |
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| MARCH 31, 2017 | THE BACHELOR