independent news that matters
~ brisbania sun ~
December 2015: No.1
SHARING MEALS, SHARING SECRETS
I think there must be many people who
have secret issues, but who don’t talk about
them much, carrying it about with them for
20, 40, or many more years. I’ve had issues
for 24 years, since I became an adult.
They’re hard to talk about, hard to explain.
I have fears of the police, for example, and
a fear of the needle. I’ve been a mental
patient for a very long time, and suffered in
half-shadows of hospitals for 11 years. I
wish that they would leave me alone, but
they think I am chronically dependent.
Brisbane’s Cultural Centre: reptilian lizard
Brisbane is a nice city. Compact in its
streets, and thronging with people who do
espouse their causes: refugees, green
environmentalism, or just the latest and
greatest music. The atmosphere here can
be eclectic, strange yet intimate. I’ve
busked on pavements like these before,
with even so little as a recorder and 100
tunes, so I am no stranger to public
exposure. Going around asking people for
money isn’t really my thing, but since I’ve
PRICE 1 DOLLAR 50 CENTS
been unable to get a proper job for quite a
few months, I thought I had to do this job of
cold-calling people in the street asking
them to buy my street sheet. People like
you make a difference with just a dollar or
two to spare. That could help me get a
better meal, something that will sit nicely
in my tummy.
There are quite a few ‘gloopy meal’
restaurants these days. Chinese food can be
gloopy and salty, but for some reason all
other types of food have a temptation to
follow suit, being too saucy or bland, and
sometimes too sugary. Every time you
consider dining at a place, take a minute to
check out the surroundings and sniff the
odours. Does the place look well lookedafter? Are the chefs proud of what they lay
out to entice you? Are the prices
reasonable, or are they self-indulgent?
Would these people welcome you into their
restaurant like they would welcome you
into their home? Trust your gut feeling!
Remember, what you eat goes in and is
very hard to let go out!
(c) Marc-us Low – streetwort industrial paper. All rights reserved. Subscribe at: [email protected]
Editorial: The Ridge on Leichhardt.
~ PUZZLES AND GAMES ~
MY FIRST BIG CROSSWORD…INVENTED DURING HOSPITALISATION!
MARC: I’ve made big puzzles before, but this is my first sizeable crossword attempt. (Each
shaded square contains a letter.)
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
ACROSS 1 replacement
piece (10) 6 name for the
number 6 in the term “6x”
(math) (11) 7 regarded as
not music (5) 8 regarded as
not a fragrance (5) 9 state of
having both of 7,8 across
(11)
DOWN 1 made of $ (9) 2
stick-y stone (7) 3 layered
lollypop (11) 4 boxed (7) 5
order one by one (7)
9
SOLUTION: write to [email protected]. First correct entry receives a Christmas gift.
~ FLASH FICTION: MYTHIC UNICORN ~
RECOMMENDED MUSIC: Rimsky-Korsakov “Scheherazade”
Out of the closet, with clothes and overcoats, the unicorn appears, dastardly between the doors.
Its eyes winnowing, like the knobs of oaks, among the mirrors, its brilliant horn jostling to scatter the room's sunlight into a
thousand colourful pieces. But the unicorn only appears in The Room when no one comes; men streaming from the pub utter a
fanciful comment when they see it, but it disappears before it can cause much of a stir. It is the butt of a joke, a horny miser with
a long face.
It can leap into books, any book that you see; and come out again, romping and scuffingthe dull carpeted floor. And at
Christmas, it does appear,snowswept in the window, among the dolls and Santa Clauses stauetted for visitors to be charmed, but
never knowthe entire life of the unicorn.
A girl reaches through the open window and picks it up. Its nostrils flare as they are the sizeof a small kettle. She strokes it and
places it back, and the veil of white curtains flickers in the wind. The moist snow falls upon them both, a fine layer causing them
a coldflickering smile.
Making friends with the birds of the garden, who sit on its head and gait and fly about, it leads a sacred life. It was seen in the
gardens of the governor’s house where it ate the vines that grew all over the walls. It travelled far and wide, evading knights in
silver armour whose horses were called by the unicorn to break their shackles and elope intothe hills and moors.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………CONTINUED: LAST PAGE
~ LETTERS ~
THE BIG ISSUE 500TH EDITION: BETTER BE A BIT BETTER
Fiona Scott-Norman is one of The Big Issue’s regular
columnists. This letter refers to Issue 498, and is
approved for publication.
Hello Fiona Scott-Norman,
The non-Christian bent of The Big Issue and your Culture
Police is interesting, but superfluous. It can be described
in a nutshell as pro-psycho defensive; and most people
who know me know how much I HATE psychology. It has
done me wrong for more than 24 years.
You claim to represent the “classic” Australian woman
who has had a good sex life, ridden horses (without so
much as a second thought), and primped and loved
yourself much more than anyone else loves you –
except, perhaps, your boyfriend...and he loves you only
for your body and daring neo-feminism. Time after time I
read your articles trying to get something that is worth
more than a dime, and time after time I am disappointed
by your wimpy scout attitudes.
The conversation that you detailed in “No Harm In
Asking” (TBI 498) cannot in the real world have taken
place. Most timid people are shy because they are not
used to the circumstances. Your ploy of forcing coffee or
tea on a guest, even though she may be used to drinking
baby milk at home, is as tactless and ocker as it is
indecent and ugly. You use words like “fucking” and
“idiot” even though you yourself have shown not the
slightest amount of lateral thinking about the shit
traditions that Australians have always had: coffee,
barbeques, fishing, posh dining, freedom to have kids,
and rich men pampering girlfriends. Get Over It.
You’ve written a book that berates bullying, but it’s
definitely not you. Your Big Issue articles prove that, like
fellow columnist Helen Razer, you’re a bully yourself.
And Big Issue main articles are narcissistic trashy
curriculum vitaes.
I am not a smoker, or a coffee drinker. I don’t usually
drink alcohol, nor do I drive a car, have a sex partner, or
eat meats. I regard myself as pro-green (environmental)
and it has taken a lot of self-sacrifice to get where I am. I
am also fat, ugly and relatively poor and unemployed
with very few good friends to share good times with.
You, on the other hand, don’t have any tabs on greenie
issues, nor does your naive editor Alan Attwood. You’re
too embarrassed to call yourselves greenies and instead
focus on the glory of mass-production and massproliferation, selling to a readership of 30,000 people a
fortnight. Both of you no doubt drive a car. You wear
earmuffs during the coldest months to keep yourself
warm, and you think that if someone is unhappy it’s
their fault. Like the Americans, you no doubt feel that it’s
everybody’s right to own a gun and become a rampant
consumer of all the shitty things, ranging from tampons
to drugs, that we can buy in our society. How banal and
how simple-minded.
Recently I identified a top ten things that are in
overabundance in our culture. The top four are easy to
remember: cars, Coke, chocolate and coffee. To this
many would add a few more: cigarettes, chooks, cattle. I
think you have in the distant past shown some insight
into this—but your insight is indeed rare. During the
years that I’ve read your articles, I have developed my
own brand of article which is better, far better than
yours, and I call it My Times. The 59th issue is attached.
You can certainly learn a lot from me, and in general I
find The Big Issue to be rather unsophisticated,
presumptuous and trite at the best of times.
YOU’RE FAR TOO GIRLY.YOURE OVER THE HILL. GET
SOME NEW BLOOD INTO YOUR MAGAZINE. NOT EVEN IN
THE BALLPARK.
COSY APARTMENT IN PRESTIGE LOCATION (SPRING HILL) $240,000
ALL ENQUIRIES: [email protected]
~ FLASH FICTION: MYTHIC UNICORN (CONTINUED) ~
In the magic lake where witches often visited, it lowered its horn. Observers believed thatthis was to renew its strength. It drank
from the waters and extended a hoof into the ripples of this vast lake, rocking the boats that passed a moderate distance by.
Once, into the lake fell a girl, Angel Jessica aged four; and it did enter the waters to save the poor struggling body.
The angel Gabriel flew down and assisted the unicorn whose teeth held the girl. Gabrielkissed the girl and she was unaware of
what was happening, except that she felt the warmth of sun beginning to dry her wet clothes and skin. And although a partial
memoryof this saving grace remained, no one would believe her story, and she was made to keep it to herself, leading into a
normal adult life. Many times did she go missing in search of the magical unicorn.
A LONG VERSION OF THIS STORY IS AVAILABLE, PUBLISHED ONLINE AT NOAHIDE BOOKS.
~ ORIGINAL ART ~
I drew these pictures during my 15th involuntary hospitalisation, in November this year—this time in
RBWH (Mental Health G-floor). If you would like to order an original or print for Christmas, please email
me.
~ JOKES AND STRANGE PHOTOS ~
Why did the chicken go flat out?
It crossed the road.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To cover its tracks from the last joke.
Why did the KFC operator with the chicken cross the road?
Someone had forgotten their garnishee order.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
It was a cage hen, bolted firmly down.
What do you call an ostrich on the loose running across the Nullabor?
Austraya.
What do you call an ostrich crossing the road?
A chicken crossing the road.
What do you call an Australian’s appendix that has just been removed
and placed in a jar of water?
Strine, or an Austrian sausage.
What do you call a crab with testicles?
Cancer.
What do you call a spider with feelers and extremely bad eyesight?
Incywincy spider.
How do you know if a surfer is in distress?
There’s a shark attached to his leg.
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