Name___________________
Date____________________
Writing Conference
Pledge of Allegiance
This signed form must accompany the student when he
conferences about a paper for the first time after receiving
his initial grade.
Diagnosis of Style
 W
 C
 G, CS, RS, //, punctuation
 V
 WC—too colloquial, wrong word, cliché
 X1, X2 revise for clarity
 Stronger verbs needed
 []—vary sentence openings
 ~ redundant
 A1, A2
 B1, B2
 P1, P2
 T1, T2, T3, T4
 TS1, TS2, TS3, TS4, TS5
 TH1
Diagnosis of Content
 IP 1, 2, 3
 B3, B4, B5
 O1, O2
 L
 P3, P4
 S
 EV
 SH—concrete examples needed
 E1, E2, E3, E4
 TH2, TH3
Medication
 Conference with the doctor!
 Follow directions for assignment [Moodle]
 More precise and frequent interpretive
/associative statements needed [CEA, ch.1 /
Voice Chart bookmark]
 Concentrate on sentence clarity, conciseness,
and coherence
 Review samples of TH/TS in CEA, ch.4
 Review Aristotle’s Topics—CEA, ch.4
 Review CEA samples introductions, ch.4
 Review CEA samples conclusions , ch.4
 Review CEA grammar, ch.5
 Review sample marked symbols, ch.6
 Review sample paragraphs, ch.3
 Read your essay aloud to a friend or parent
Dr.______________
Objective: These expectations seek to help the student
achieve success in improving his writing skills; the
student’s advanced preparation will ensure a more
productive conference and allow Dr. Degen to guide him
more effectively toward his goals.
1. I understand what the symbols written
on my essay mean and I have taken time
to examine the samples on pp65-97,
multiple examples of how other students
fixed the problems associated with the
same symbol I received. In fact, when I
revise certain sections of my essay, I have
my book open to the sample revisions.
2. I will come to the conference with at least
some revision completed and highlighted,
even if it only involves some of the stylistic
symbols—X2, B, TS5, etc.
3. After reviewing all the symbols and Dr.
Degen’s summary comments, I am able to
summarize during this conference what
some of the larger challenges are that I face
with moving the essay forward.
My signature below indicates my compliance with
the above statements.
__________________________
E-grade____
Content____
Style_____
Conference Required
to Submit Revision
Revision due:______
No conferences held on due date.
Keep track of conferences on
the next page
Writing Conference Form
Name___________ Paper assignment___________
This completed document should be attached to the
front of your revised essay; the originally graded essay
should be stapled to the back of your revision.
Please make sure each conference is documented and
signed by Dr. Degen.
Date
Email / Office
Query / Revision
Signature
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
A–,A / 90, 95, 100 Clearly Outstanding
content Introduction grabs attention with appropriate concrete details and effectively
transitions into the thesis; thesis articulates a persuasive, original opinion, providing
insight into the topic; topic sentences articulate precise component of argument,
indicating an effective overall organizational structure to the paper; body paragraphs
contain creative/original ideas and precise associative statements exploring how meaning
emerges from the text’s language and details with apt and extensive evidence for support
of topic sentences and thesis statement; conclusion effectively discusses the significance
of the paper topic; documentation requirements complete.
style Language and syntax of thesis statement and topic sentences includes suitably
precise vocabulary; coherence is created by effective transitions (particularly after topic
sentences), clear topic strings, and concise word and logic glue; sentences exhibit a
pleasing variety of structures, with accurate punctuation and grammar, appropriately
sophisticated diction, and an emphasis on vivid verbs; the writer's analytical voice
emerges convincingly.
B–,B,B+ / 80,85,88 Above Average
content Strong idea for introduction but more concrete detail needed to grab attention
and/or more helpful transition to the thesis statement required; thesis statement contains a
legitimate, plausible opinion, with some adjustments needed to diction in order to refine
the critical perspective; overall, topic sentences articulate an apparent structural link to
the thesis by specifying a single component of the thesis though some topic sentences call
for more precise diction to make their link to the thesis stronger; body paragraphs contain
adequate selection of evidence along with reasonable associative/interpretive statements,
although additional evidence and more precise and frequent associative statements
regarding the language and details of the text would make
paragraphs more convincing; conclusion ought articulate
more clearly the significance of the overall topic;
documentation requirements not fully complete.
style Language and syntax of thesis statement and topic
sentences understandable but could include more precise
diction; minor coherence problems: re-examine word and
logic glue, topic strings, and transitions after the topic
sentences; at times, blend quoted material more smoothly,
wrapping associations around the evidence; language
regarding the organization of paragraphs present but needs
to be more explicit; combine some sentences to eliminate
wordiness and to provide variety and balance; for clarity,
remove vague language and introduce more vivid verbs
into some sentences; incorporate more sophisticated
associative vocabulary [see analytical voice chart] and a
greater variety of sentence structures; minor problems with
grammar, spelling, punctuation, redundancy.
C–,C,C+ / 70,75,78 Acceptable
content Introduction needs development: additional showing
details, a more convincing analogy that ties to the thesis, and/or a
clearer transition to the thesis statement; the central idea/opinion
of the thesis statement should be narrowed as it is too general or
revised as it is unclear or lacks individual insight beyond
comments made in class; one or more topic sentences have no
connection to the thesis, are redundant, too broad or general in
wording, unclearly stated, or merely recall a plot detail, lacking
any associative perspective; one or more paragraphs contain
inadequate or inappropriate textual support; inadequate, vague, or
illogical interpretive-associative commentary in support of thesis;
summary of plot prevails rather than analysis of text; some
textual references taken out of context; conclusion only
summarizes main points and/or needs more concrete discussion
of the topic’s overall significance; errors in documentation or
documentation incomplete.
style Language and syntax of thesis statements and topic
sentences lack concision and precision; coherence issues demand
consistent and overall revision in more than one paragraph:
transitions after the topic sentences, stronger word and logic glue,
tighter topic strings; language indicating the organization of
paragraphs unclear; connection to thesis unclear; problems with
sentence clarity, redundancy, punctuation, choppy sentences,
weak verbs, wordiness, vagueness, spelling, grammar; some
awkward incorporation of textual support, inadequate wrapping
of associative statements around the evidence; insufficient and/or
inappropriate usage of SAT vocabulary; deficient associative
language [see analytical voice chart]; sentence variety lacking.
D–,D,D+,F / 65,67,69,<60 Unacceptable/ Does not Meet
Requirements
content Major attributes of the showing-telling introduction not
present; thesis either not evident or completely lacks a persuasive
opinion or is too general; the majority of topic sentences either do
not reflect a structural relationship to the thesis or lack a critical
perspective on the thesis; the majority of body paragraphs do not
exhibit logical development of the topic sentences, either
possessing inadequate evidence from the text, providing
predominately plot summary, or demonstrating little or no
analysis of evidence; ideas unclear; paragraphs do not support the
topic sentence; illogical analysis of text; requirements of
assignment incomplete; plagiarism present; documentation
clearly incomplete or not present.
style Language and syntax of thesis statement and
topic sentences too vague and unclear; significant
problems with coherence issues throughout:
transitions after topic sentences, word and logic
glue, topic strings, language indicating the method
of organization; serious spelling, grammar errors;
multiple sentences lack clarity because of
awkward syntax, vagueness, or wordiness.
Janicki 1
William Janicki
Degen
English III
3 March, 2014
Lives of Entrapment
"I don't want to train to fight the Buggers anymore! I want to go home and be with
Valentine!” a piercing yell protrudes from the glowing red face of the twelve year old soldier.
Andrew Wiggin ferociously shakes his white knuckled fist inches in front of Graff's face, who is
a military commander, and demands that he return to Earth from the station, a barrier that
separates himself from his beloved sister, in Ender's Game. Graff grants Andrew permission to
return home, but explains to the young prodigy that the fate of Earth depends on his superior
military tactics, tactics that will be used against the murderous and extraterrestrial species known
as the Buggers.[RWM] Andrew feels trapped in the military world, which isolates him from his
family, similar to the way that Pip feels trapped in his relationship with Estella and to the way
Miss Havisham traps Estella in the Satis House, controlling every aspect of her life. In both
books, the characters lack of freedom eats away at their mental sanity and causes their moral to
slowly decay. In Charles Dickens' Great Expectations, the motif of entrapment dominates the
lives of Pip and Estella, corrupting their actions and beliefs.
As Pip falls deeper and deeper into Estella’s love trap and focuses on becoming a
gentleman, he becomes uncomfortable with his simple lower class life. The difference of social
classes between Pip and Estella prevented them from engaging in a romantic relationship.
[ADVSC] His determination fueling his quest to become a gentleman, Pip hopes that one day he
will be worthy of Estella’s love.[AbP][NSC] Initially, Pip admires Joe and looks up to him as an
Janicki 2
exemplary role model that “had a strong sense of virtue.” In his early years of life, Pip, uneducated about social classes and wealth, admired everything about Joe because of his
virtuous and loving nature.[PaPP] Eventually, Estella introduces to Pip material wealth and
social status, two barriers that separate himself from the love of his life; moreover, Pip started to
“hate his trade and to be ashamed of his home.”[Compound-complex] Charles Dickens uses
Pip’s deteriorating relationship with Joe, a man of virtue, to symbolize Pip’s loss of virtue in life. Pip becomes a slave to Estella’s love and focuses on becoming a gentleman, consequently growing away from Joe’s morals and ethics. Finally, Mr. Jaggers absolutely severs Pip from any remaining virtue in his life when moves the boy from his home to London; he explains to Joe
that he needs to be “immediately removed from his present sphere of life and from this place, and be brought up as a gentleman.” Pip abandons his home to live in the wealthy city of London,
a metaphor representing the drastic change of the boy’s life. Home, imagery associated with a comfortable environment that serves as the basic foundation of morals and ethics in a kid’s life, now only represents a loss of virtue in Pip’s life. Just as Pip suffers from entrapment, Estella lives under the vice of Miss Havisham, her
thoughts and actions manipulated by her heartbroken guardian. Initially, the Satis House shields
Estella from the outside world, resembled by daylight, “which was completely excluded” within
the house. Since the Satis House completely isolates Estella from the outside world, Miss
Havisham has complete control of her thoughts and beliefs because Estella does not have the
freedom to experience the real world for herself. Additionally, the heartbroken Miss Havisham
uses Estella like a puppet and takes over her love life, telling her to seek revenge on all men:
“Break their hearts, my pride and hope, break their hears and have no mercy.” Just as Miss
Havisham’s fiancé broke her heart and ruined her life, she wants Estella impose the same pain on
Janicki 3
other men. A sense of irony is evident when Estella uses her distinctive beauty to break hearts,
instead of finding love. The ironic behavior of Estella contradicts the actions of a stereotypical
woman, evidence that Miss Havisham assumes the role as her puppet master and manipulates her
love life. Moreover, Estella compares with Pip the ruthless and corruptive entrapment that
manifests in each of their lives when she exclaims, “We have no choice, you and I, but to obey our instructions. We are not free to follow our own devices, you and I.” Neither Pip nor Estella
possess the freedom to experience life for themselves, Estella views the world through the
obscured eyes of Miss Havisham, while Pip tries to understand Estella by looking through her
eyes. In fact, they simply react to instructions in their lives like a soldier following commands,
rather than experiencing the jubilation and ecstasy that life has to offer. Lastly, Miss Havisham
reveals her satirical and infernal personality when she claims that she “stole [Estella’s] heart and put ice in its place.” Ice, barren imagery associated with death, takes over Estella’s heart,
restricting her ability love, contrasting with the typical warm heart that would be present in a
beautiful girl.[AM][parallel PrPP] The act of Miss Havisham stealing Estella’s heart emphasizes the total control that she has over her entire life, control that even takes over her love life.
In the military, soldiers react to each and every command they receive from their officer
without any questions asked. They resemble robots performing a list of commands without
thinking for themselves or offering their concerns about the commands. The war traps soldiers
and takes away their freedom. Even if soldier desires to leave the war, he must stay and fight or
else he will be charged with treason. Pip and Estella resemble this same motif of entrapment as
they are not free to think for themselves or experience life without being influenced by a
figurative puppeteer.