ARE YOU IN EARNEST?
TEN MINUTE PLAY
By John Kelly
Copyright © MMXII by John Kelly
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ARE YOU IN EARNEST?
ARE YOU IN EARNEST?
By John Kelly
SYNOPSIS: What happens when life imitates art? Two young actresses
rehearse The Importance of Being Earnest with their young, male director.
The modern-day relationship mirrors that of Gwendolyn and Cecily in the
tea scene from Oscar Wilde's world-famous play. Filled with physical humor
and sharp wit, this play is a surefire delight for young women.
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CAST OF CHARACTERS
(2 WOMEN, 1 MAN)
CARLY (f) ............................................. An actress, 18-25, playing Cecily in
Oscar Wilde’s The Importance of
Being Earnest.
GABI (f) ................................................. An
actress,
18-25,
playing
Gwendolyn
in
Wilde’s
The
Importance of Being Earnest.
DAVE (m) .............................................. A director, 18-25.
SETTING
A stage. In rehearsal.
TIME: The present.
NOTES
The title Are You in Earnest? is taken from a quote by Jean Anouilh. Some
of the dialogue employed is abridged text from The Importance of Being
Earnest by Oscar Wilde.
-2-
Are You in Earnest? by John Kelly
Copyright © MMXII by John Kelly
AT RISE:
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CARLY: In fact, I am going to be his.
GABI: I beg your pardon?
CARLY: Dearest Gwendolyn, there is no reason why I should make a
secret of it to you. Our little country newspaper is sure to chronicle
the fact next week. Mr. Earnest Worthing and I are engaged to be
married.
GABI: My darling Cecily, I think there must be some slight error. Mr.
Earnest Worthing is engaged to me. The announcement will
appear in the Morning Post on Saturday at the latest.
CARLY: I am afraid you must be under some misconception. Earnest
proposed to me exactly ten minutes ago. (Shows diary.)
DAVE: (Enters.) Build it ladies, build it.
GABI: It is certainly very curious, for he asked me to be his wife
yesterday afternoon at 5:30. If you would care to verify the
incident, pray do. (Shows her diary.)
DAVE: Now flaunt it.
GABI: I never travel without my diary. One should always have
something sensational to read on the train. I am so sorry, dear
Cecily, but I am afraid I have the prior claim.
DAVE: Top her.
CARLY: It would distress me more than I can tell you, (Sickeningly
sweet.) dear Gwendolyn…
DAVE: Yes! Yes.
CARLY: …if it caused you any mental or physical anguish, but I feel
bound to point out that since Earnest proposed to you, he clearly
has changed his mind.
GABI: If the poor fellow has been entrapped into any foolish promise,
I shall consider it my duty to rescue him at once.
CARLY: Whatever unfortunate entanglement my dear boy may have
got into, I will never reproach him with it after we are married.
DAVE: Now let it go!
GABI: Do you allude to me, Miss Cardew, as an entanglement? You
are presumptuous.
CARLY: Do you suggest, Miss Fairfax, that I entrapped Earnest?
How dare you. This is no time for wearing the shallow mask of
manners. When I see a spade, I call it a spade!
-3THIS SCRIPT IS PROVIDED AS A COURTESY FOR INTERNET READING.
NO PERFORMANCE RIGHTS CONVEYED.
ARE YOU IN EARNEST?
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GABI: I am glad to say I have never seen a spade. It is obvious that
our social spheres have been widely different!
DAVE: And let’s stop there. (Cell phone ‘rings.’) Give me a minute,
will you? Hello? (He moves off a bit.)
GABI: I love Wilde. He’s so full of wit
CARLY: And then there’s Dave. He’s full of shit.
GABI: That’s for sure.
CARLY: Have you worked with him before?
GABI: No, I hear he likes to work with new people on every show.
CARLY: Really? I wonder why?
GABI: Probably doesn’t want to get caught doing the same thing over
and over again.
DAVE: (Reenters.) Listen, girls, this may take longer than a minute.
Why don’t you get some coffee or something? (Exits.)
CARLY: Do you want anything?
GABI: No, I’d rather just wait and get this finished as quickly as
possible.
CARLY: Fine with me.
GABI: So, what are you doing after rehearsal?
CARLY: I have to run home. I have to get cleaned up. ‘Spruced up,’
my dad used to say.
GABI: I’ve got a dinner date. Someplace fancy. After today, I could
probably eat a horse. Literally!
CARLY: Think of your costumes. Eat like a horse, and you’ll look like
a cow.
GABI: Thanks for the bovine reminder. (Aside.) So ladylike.
CARLY: Any time!
GABI: What are you getting ‘spruced up’ for?
CARLY: Well, as it happens, I too have a dinner date.
GABI: Really? Anyone I know?
CARLY: Probably.
GABI: Who? Not the guy playing Algy?
CARLY: Good God, no! Him? Never!
GABI: Why not? Don’t you just love the unibrow?
CARLY: No, thank you.
GABI: So who, then?
CARLY: Well…but you have to give me your word you won’t tell the
rest of the company. I don’t want any jealousies.
-4-
Are You in Earnest? by John Kelly
Copyright © MMXII by John Kelly
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DAVE: (Cross in, between the two.) Just a few more minutes, girls,
and we can get back to it.
GABI: K. (Mouths ‘Who?’)
CARLY: (Nods to DAVE, who is back on the phone) Him.
GABI: (Stares at DAVE) Him?
DAVE: Who? ...What? (Shakes his head and returns to his phone
conversation.)
GABI: Sorry, hon, but I think you’re mistaken. He’s having dinner with
me. He texted me right before rehearsal. (Shows PDA)
CARLY: Before rehearsal? (Stares at DAVE, who has heard nothing.)
DAVE: (Feeling her stare.) Sorry? Anything wrong?
CARLY: No!
DAVE turns to GABI.
GABI: No!
DAVE looks at each of them yet again, then says:
DAVE: Okay. (He moves away, still on the phone.)
CARLY: I’m sorry to have to tell you, but we’ve had a date for dinner
since last week. It’s on my calendar. (Shows her PDA.)
GABI: Rather empty, isn’t it? Trouble getting dates?
CARLY: Only when skanks such as you steal them.
GABI: Obviously he’s decided he needs someone with better taste to
whet his appetite.
CARLY: And you think that’s you?
GABI: I know that’s me.
DAVE: (Returning with bottled, unsweetened iced tea and
sandwiches.) I’m sorry. This is taking a lot longer than I thought. I
brought some food. I thought it might keep you going ‘til we can
get started again.
CARLY & GABI: (Angrily.) Thanks a lot!
DAVE: (Confused.) No problem. (He exits..)
CARLY: We’ll see about this…
-5THIS SCRIPT IS PROVIDED AS A COURTESY FOR INTERNET READING.
NO PERFORMANCE RIGHTS CONVEYED.
ARE YOU IN EARNEST?
Exits, following after DAVE. GABI sits and begins to unwrap her
sandwich. A large number of mustard and ketchup packages fall from
the bag. She places a small dollop from one packet on her sandwich
and takes a bite. While chewing, she looks at CARLY’s bag. She
looks for CARLY. She then takes out CARLY’s sandwich, opens it
and puts mustard after mustard on the sandwich. She thinks a
moment, then puts ketchup after ketchup on the sandwich. Satisfied,
she again bites into her sandwich. She looks at CARLY’s bag, pours
out its contents – more ketchup and mustard – and adds this to
CARLY’s sandwich. She replaces the sandwich in the bag. Satisfied,
she opens her tea and takes a sip. CARLY returns.
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CARLY: I knew there had to be some mistake. Just you wait and see
who ends up eating well and who ends up eating crow.
GABI: That’s enough. I’ll settle this right now. (Exits to find DAVE.)
CARLY laughs at GABI as she leaves. She opens her tea and takes a
drink. She looks in her bag and finds sweeteners – lots of them. She
opens one and places it in her tea. She shakes the bottle and drinks.
She looks at GABI’s tea, then looks for GABI. She puts all her
sweeteners in GABI’s tea, then decides to look in GABI’s bag for
more sweeteners, which she also places in GABI’s tea. She shakes it
thoroughly and then drinks from her own tea. GABI reenters.
GABI: Men! You never can find them when you need them.
CARLY: And Lord knows you rarely ever need them!
GABI: You can say that again.
GABI sits as CARLY bites into her sandwich. A huge reaction follows.
GABI laughs on and on. Finally, GABI takes her tea and drinks. Huge
spit take. CARLY laughs loud and long.
GABI: That’s it! I’m a nice person. A calm and quiet person.
Respectable. But you’ve gone too far.
CARLY: I’ve gone too far?! (The two approach each other to fight.
DAVE enters and separates the two.)
DAVE: Ladies, angels, calm down. Easy now.
CARLY: Calm?
-6-
Are You in Earnest? by John Kelly
Copyright © MMXII by John Kelly
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GABI: Easy?
DAVE: Yes, let’s just take it slow and easy.
CARLY & GABI: (To each other.) Slow and easy? (They pick up their
sandwiches and teas.)
DAVE: Now, girls. (CARLY spreads her sandwich on DAVE’s face,
while GABI pours her tea over his head.)
CARLY: Slow!
GABI: Easy!
CARLY: And we’re not girls or ladies or angels. We’re women.
GABI: Women who are due some respect.
DAVE: Okay, girls…ah, ladies…um, okay. (He exits to clean himself.)
GABI: That was pretty good!
CARLY: You didn’t do too bad, either. Well…
GABI: Yeah…care to get back to the scene?
CARLY: My pleasure, Miss Fairfax.
GABI: After you, Miss Cardew. (They sit.)
CARLY: From ‘May I offer you some tea, Miss Fairfax?’
GABI: Thank you. Detestable girl, but I require tea.
CARLY: Sugar?
GABI: No, thank you. Sugar is not fashionable anymore.
CARLY: Cake or bread and butter?
GABI: Bread and butter please. (As in ‘Earnest,’ she is given tea and
cake. GABI sips her tea.)
GABI: You have filled my tea with lumps of sugar, and though I asked
most distinctly for bread and butter, you have given me cake.
(DAVE returns to direct, standing between the two.) I am known
for the gentleness of my disposition (Starts to rise.) and the extraordinary sweetness of my nature, but I warn you, Miss Cardew,
you may go too far.
CARLY: (Rising.) To save my poor, innocent, trusting boy from the
machinations of any other girl, there are no lengths to which I
would not go. (The women now stand on each side of DAVE.)
GABI: (To DAVE.) From the moment I saw you, I distrusted you.
CARLY: (To DAVE.) I felt you were false and deceitful.
CARLY & GABI: I am never deceived in such matters. My first
impressions of people are invariably right. (The women exit.)
DAVE: K.
-7THIS SCRIPT IS PROVIDED AS A COURTESY FOR INTERNET READING.
NO PERFORMANCE RIGHTS CONVEYED.
ARE YOU IN EARNEST?
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THE END
-8-