The Big Quirky Tale
Cast
(in order of appearance)
Ariel ............................................................................................................................................. Julia Pilloff
Ben ............................................................................................................................................. Michael Pare
Bonus Mom............................................................................................................................... Jordon Runge
Bunny Foo Foo ............................................................................................................................... Ian Henry
Dawn ......................................................................................................................................... Coleen Burns
Distracted ..................................................................................................................................... Ryan Engel
Dorothy ..................................................................................................................................... Jordon Runge
Dr. Watson ............................................................................................................................ Collier Baucum
Gerard Butler ...................................................................................................................... Matthew Cuddos
Gretel ......................................................................................................................................... Aria Howard
Handel ..................................................................................................................................... Jeremy Pilloff
Harry Wolf ................................................................................................................................... Blake Tyrer
Kancil ......................................................................................................................................................... Joe
Leonard ...................................................................................................................................... Alex Slidzek
Lion .............................................................................................................................................. Ryan Engel
Mirror ...................................................................................................................................................... Kyle
Mystery Figure/ Hero .................................................................................................................... John White
Pete Pan................................................................................................................................................... Liam
Pinocchio Ninja.................................................................................................................... Alex Rosenberry
Proper ..................................................................................................................................Greysom Gothard
Punny ........................................................................................................................................................... A
Red Pirate .................................................................................................................................. Actor’s Name
Red Shirt Dwarf ........................................................................................................................ Actor’s Name
Robert Hood Esquire................................................................................................................. Actor’s Name
Sally G$ ................................................................................................................................... Actor’s Name
Scarecrow.................................................................................................................................. Actor’s Name
Sherlock Holmes ...................................................................................................................... Actor’s Name
Smee.......................................................................................................................................... Actor’s Name
Snarky ....................................................................................................................................... Actor’s Name
Swagger .................................................................................................................................... Actor’s Name
Thor ........................................................................................................................................... Actor’s Name
Tin Man..................................................................................................................................... Actor’s Name
Troll Sister 1 ............................................................................................................................. Actor’s Name
Troll Sister 2 ............................................................................................................................. Actor’s Name
Twilight Sparkle ....................................................................................................................... Actor’s Name
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The Big Quirky Tale
Ursula ........................................................................................................................................ Actor’s Name
Lost Boy/Pirates ........................................................................................................................ Actor’s Name
.................................................................................................................................................. Actor’s Name
.................................................................................................................................................. Actor’s Name
.................................................................................................................................................. Actor’s Name
.................................................................................................................................................. Actor’s Name
.................................................................................................................................................. Actor’s Name
.................................................................................................................................................. Actor’s Name
Munchkins ................................................................................................................................ Actor’s Name
.................................................................................................................................................. Actor’s Name
.................................................................................................................................................. Actor’s Name
.................................................................................................................................................. Actor’s Name
.................................................................................................................................................. Actor’s Name
.................................................................................................................................................. Actor’s Name
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The Big Quirky Tale
Scene 1:
Main Bedroom: Off-to-the-side-Stage
(Leonard and Sheldon on Stage, Sheldon sitting up in bed under the covers)
Leonard:
Sheldon, you know you need your rest, it is crucial that when you’re sick
that you get your rest.
Sheldon:
Leonard, I cannot sleep and since Penny is not here to sing “soft kitty”, then
I think you should tell me a bedtime story.
Leonard:
Fine. How about humpty dumpty…
Sheldon:
It is preposterous that children believe that there is an Egg that sits on a
wall, and even more absurd that it could break and then precisely be put all
together again. An Egg might be placed on the ledge of a wall, but the odds
of finding all the pieces of shell, placing them together and recreating any
structural integrity is simply ridiculous.
Leonard:
Sheldon, it is a children’s story let it go.
Sheldon:
That is why it is so concerning, it is part of an overall system of lies set to
mislead us and to program children to grow up ignorant of the basic
common sense of all things physics.
Leonard:
I think you are stalling; you need to go to bed.
Sheldon:
I don’t wanna. I cannot go to sleep. Tell me a story.
Leonard:
(sighing) OOOKay. (Picking up some books and shuffling through them)
How about Alice in Wonderland….
Sheldon:
NO! We already did that.
Leonard:
Well, (shuffling through books), then Treasure Island.
Sheldon:
That was last time…
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The Big Quirky Tale
Leonard:
Then, perhaps A Christmas Carol, a little Scrooge action?
Sheldon:
Twice covered the material, furthermore tis not the season.
Leonard:
Well, you have heard all of these before…
Sheldon:
Tell me a story…
Leonard:
Fine! So, once upon a time there was Sherlock Holmes and Watson
Sheldon:
Sherlock Holmes, he is somewhat intelligent…
Leonard:
(Clears throat)
Sheldon:
You may continue
Leonard:
Once upon a time, Sherlock Holmes and Watson were in the study, when he
suddenly bolted up
Scene 2:
Holmes’s Study, two chairs and night table
Holmes:
(Sherlock reading a letter abruptly stands up)
Watson:
Why Sherlock, you have suddenly bolted up…whatever could it be?
Holmes:
I have received distressing news; there is a disturbance in the FARCE.
Something seems amiss in the Fairy Tale realm.
Watson:
(hardy chuckle) Sherlock, my good fellow do you mean to tell me…
Holmes:
(Turns to a large bookcase backdrop)… Watson, What I’m about to tell you,
nay…show you....everything you have known to this point, I will need you to
suspend belief.
Watson:
(with thumbs stretches out his suspenders). How did you know I have
suspenders on my briefs?
Holmes:
(shaking head) No, no Watson. Suspend BEEEE-lief. The deduction
regarding your under-trousers is rather simple. Your suspenders are not
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The Big Quirky Tale
connected to your trousers; rather they are on the inside of your
trousers….never mind. I have previously discovered a portal, right here in
my study, a portal that transports us to the very surreal world of Fairy
Tales.
Watson:
Ah, yes. I see.
Holmes:
Do you?
Watson:
(nodding). No.
Holmes:
We shall enter this bookcase and upon the other side find ourselves in the…
Watson:
(noticing that Sherlock is awaiting his response). The wine cellar?
Holmes:
No Watson, the realm of Fairy Tales.
Scene 3:
Sheldon:
Side Stage Bedroom
This is ridiculous. Sherlock Holmes, and what the Seven Dwarfs? They
simply do not exist or belong in the same universe.
Leonard:
You’re the one who insisted that the classic stories were not good enough.
If you want me to make a story up, let me do it. Besides, if Captain JeanLuc Picard can meet Professor X, both portrayed by Patrick Stewart then
why can’t these characters’ paths intertwine.
Sheldon:
Well, I don’t know…
Leonard:
(Stands up as if to leave)
Sheldon:
No, no…I will accept this as amateur fan-fiction. Continue.
Leonard:
As I was saying, “Sherlock looked Watson in the eyes. “Watson my good
fellow, we are about to boldly go where no man has gone before.
Scene 4:
Sherlock’s Study.
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The Big Quirky Tale
Holmes:
Watson my good fellow, we are about to boldly go where no man has gone
before.
Watson:
(noticing that Sherlock is awaiting his response). So not the wine cellar?
Holmes:
No Watson, the realm of Fairy Tales.
Watson:
Is this safe?
Holmes:
Indubitably,
Watson:
huh, you mean undoubtingly
Holmes:
NO, Indubitably, it is a real word. We have not the time for this Watson.
Let me prove this to you. (He walks over, rings a bell, and calls out…)
Gerard!
Watson:
Ah the Butler. Is it teatime already?
Holmes:
No. Watson, focus. First, I must read aloud the password.
(As Sherlock recites, Watson begins to follow an imaginary Butterfly at first with his
eyes and then his whole body, even off stage into the crowd)
Butterfly in the sky
I can go twice as high
Take a look
It's in a book
I can go anywhere
Friends to know
And ways to grow
I can be anything
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The Big Quirky Tale
Take a look
It's in a book
Holmes:
You see Watson. Watson?
Watson:
(Watson begins to return to the stage). Did you see that?
Holmes:
What?
Watson:
The butterfly?
Holmes:
Of course you did.
Watson:
Well, perhaps it was a moth.
RS Butler: You rang sir.
Holmes:
Indubitably I did.
RS Butler: Undoubtingly?
Holmes:
No, fine. Gerard. Will you please walk into my bookcase, about where the
Dictionary is?
RS Butler: Which dictionary sir?
Holmes:
The small one. The tiny one in the middle.
RS Butler: The Webster, yes sir.
(Walks to the bookcase and reaches for the Dictionary and walks into the slit of the
backdrop to disappear)
Watson:
(Astonished). What just happened?
Holmes:
He was transported via the portal.
Watson:
Will he come back? He did not serve us our tea.
Holmes:
Watson, will you forget about the tea.
Watson:
I will do no such thing; after all, we are English.
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The Big Quirky Tale
Holmes:
Indeed we are, perhaps we will have tea with the Mad Hatter on the other
side.
Watson:
So, Gerard is not coming back?
Holmes:
Well, I am afraid not. He was wearing a Redshirt.
Watson:
Sherlock, I’m perplexed, what does that have to do with….
Holmes:
You see my good friend Watson; Redshirts are the “Pawns” of science
fiction.
Watson:
Ah, the game of Chess, I’ve always favoured the Knights myself.
Holmes:
Indeed you have, and I the Queen.
Watson
& Holmes: After all we are English.
Holmes:
Very well ole chap, let us embark on the mystery and solve these hate
crimes assaulting all things Fairy Tale. (Both enter the bookcase).
Scene 5:
Enchanted Forrest
(Entering via going through foliage plants/trees as if they are walking out of a forest and
finding Snow White and her Stepmother doing their nails… and looking into a long
mirror [puppet like mouth]).
Watson:
Is that, Snow White?
Holmes:
Precisely.
Watson:
Then that would be…her evil stepmother, we must save her
(Rushing into the scene, he stands in between the two and places his cane up as if it
were a sword)
…get back Snow White I shall protect you from this evil witch.
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BonusMom: Excuse me; what did you just call me?
Snow:
Uh be careful, you’re going to smudge. My nails are not dry yet.
BonusMom: Oh, come here Snowsy-Poosey, let me see.
They look fine.
Mirror:
Better than fine, better than fairest, your nails look FABULOUS
Snow:
BonusMom, you were right, Candy Apple red looks great on me.
Watson:
Candy Apple….Apple…
Holmes:
Perhaps then, the nail polish is the poison.
(Insert sound effect of dunt dunt duhhhh)
BonusMom: Don’t be silly, I’d never try to hurt my precious bestie Snow.
Watson:
Wait, you are the evil Stepmother, envy, no longer the fairest of them all…
BonusMom: Oh that old story. We’ve moved on.
Watson:
You’re not the fairest of them all…. That should send you into a rage.
BonusMom: Silly boy. Look, I will prove it to you.
Mirror-Mirror on the wall, who is the
fairest of them all….
Mirror:
That would be “y’all”
BonusMom: Besides, in all the Kingdoms and all the lands, I’m still the fairest…
Mirror:
Cougar of them all …GROWL
Watson:
Holmes, what just happened?
Holmes:
Its Elementary my dear Watson….the story has been changed and they
have made amends.
Watson:
How…
Holmes:
That is mystery ahead of us….
Watson:
I feel so lost...the evil Stepmother…
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BonusMom
& Snow:
BonusMom!!!!
Watson:
BonusMom, was supposed to hire an Assassin.
Snow:
(Sarcastically towards Watson). Love you too.
Watson:
The Woodsman
BonusMom (Sounding dreamy and looking off)
& Snow:
Aww, the Woodsman…
Watson:
(walks over and waves hand in front of the girls as they daydream)
…are they….
Holmes:
Temporally dazed Watson…
Watson:
TRUE Love’s Kiss… (Takes out breath mister)
Oh I know this part of the story, they simply need (Leans over).
Holmes:
As you were saying…
(Snaps his fingers and as the daze is broken, Snow slap’s Watson
across the face).
…this Woodsman
BonusMom: Well, I did hire him to um, well jettison her from my life.
Mirror:
You say that so poetically….jettison…
Snow:
This big strong man did take me out into the woods and he helped me find
a home.
(Dwarfs enter could be more…)
Watson:
(counting…) Wait, I thought there were seven.
Proper:
Common misconception
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Watson:
So there are not seven dwarfs? Snow White and the (counting…)
Distracted: Huh?
Snarky:
Not you. We’re talking to this cliché over here.
Proper:
Excuse me. There were seven…
Holmes:
More changes then.
Proper:
Yes, some of us…
Watson:
Dwarfs
Snarky:
Miner’s. We are miners; we are contributing functional members of the
Enchanted Forest Community.
Proper:
As I was saying, due in part to the economy and strip-mining tactics…
Punny:
Yeah, some of us have been downsized!
Snarky:
Really? Again.
Punny:
What?
Proper:
Punny, you know he doesn’t like that joke.
Punny:
Yeah, yeah he’s not a BIG fan.
Holmes:
I see you are aptly named.
Watson:
Wait, why is he so appropriately punny?
Holmes:
Elementary Watson, Puns are the lowest form of humor.
Punny:
Thank you. It is refreshing to find someone that agrees, I don’t often find
myself seeing eye to eye with others.
Snarky:
Unfortunately, I’ve had the displeasure of looking at you.
Punny:
Well some people just don’t appreciate the small things in life
Distracted: Do you want a hug?
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Watson:
What about the other …. Miners
Distracted: What?
Snarky:
Not you.
Distracted: Who?
Watson:
No, wrong Doctor. I’m Doctor Watson.
Holmes:
Now the other dwarfs?
Snarky:
Look, if I have to tell you one more time
Punny:
Snarky, please be nicer. They are new to the area. Try to be a little more
tolerant.
Distracted: Oh, well once upon a time there were seven.
Punny:
We’re a little short of that now…
Snarky:
Currently it is just us five.
Watson:
(After looking and counting). Excuse me, I do not mean to rain on your
miner parade but I only see four…
Distracted: (Puzzled). What?
Proper:
Well sir, let me give you a Proper Introduction. I am Proper.
Watson:
You certainly seem to be so chap.
Proper:
Ahem, yes. As I said, hello “I am Proper”.
Watson:
Right indeed.
Holmes:
Watson, his name is Proper.
Watson:
I shall hope so; I cannot imagine his parents not giving him a good proper
name.
Holmes:
Well. Proper, please continue.
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Distracted: Squirrel! (Pointing)
Proper:
Of course, this is “Distracted…”
Distracted: (drifting). Yes?
Proper:
As you realized, this is Punny.
Punny:
Literally yours.
Proper:
This is “Snarky”, the chair or our Guest Relations department.
Snarky:
I’m a bucket full of sunshine.
Punny:
More like a little angry
Snarky:
Oh you’re so PUNNY
Punny:
Thank you!
Snarky:
Seriously…
Proper:
Relax.
Punny:
Yeah man, I don’t know why you have such a short fuse…
Proper:
Okay, enough. Punny, you have enough Pun for now. (Shakes his head).
Our newest member, Red.
(All turn to look and see no one)
Snarky:
Great.
Distracted: OH! I want some grapes.
Proper:
I am not sure. Red was with us a moment ago, we turned around the bend.
Snarky:
Well, either he has run away or is too stupid to follow.
Proper:
Snarky, please. We need to address your “H.R. training again”
Watson:
Wait, so now there are only (counts) four?
Proper:
It seems so. Farewell Red, we hardly knew thee.
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Holmes:
Red. Hmm. New, hardly knew him. He was wearing a Red Shirt, was he
not?
Distracted: Oh, you’ve met him.
Watson:
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Holmes:
Yes, good for you Watson. Okay, so the Woodsman helped find Snow a
home.
Watson:
Oh, I get it… Downsized.
Proper:
The Woodsman also helped many of the other miners find work. They left
to discover gold for a reality show.
Snarky:
Follow the yellow brick road they said…Oozes with Gold they said. Pff.
Distracted: Ozzie ooze.
Snow:
Yes, he helped me find a home, and he helped me bridge my relationship
with BonusMom. We all sat down and we “game planned”, and here we all
are today.
BonusMom: One happy family.
Mirror:
The fairest family of all.
Holmes:
I see. Therefore, this Woodsman helped Snow White find the
(Looks to Snarky)
Snarky:
Miners.
Holmes:
As in the original text, but then he helped mend the conflict between Snow
White and the formerly evil Stepmother along with vocation placement for
the dwarf – Miners.
Watson:
You understand this?
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Holmes:
Of course, but only to a point.
Watson:
Now what?
Snarky:
Now what? We look into our applicant pool.
Distracted: Swimming? I’d rather go camping.
Punny:
I love camping, if it’s “in tents”.
Proper:
Well, there was one more applicant we gave serious consideration too.
Snarky:
Okay. SWAGGER! You’re in.
(Swagger enters from off stage.)
Swagger:
YOLO!
Holmes:
Good evening sir.
Watson:
This makes very little sense to me.
Punny:
Good one.
Holmes:
Simple, we too must follow that yellow brick road….
Watson:
Good day then.
(Both exit through the woods/plants as they entered)
Swagger:
Yo Holmes, smell you later.
Mirror:
Those guys were the quirkiest of them all…
Distracted: Hey, where did Red go?
Scene 6:
Wonderful World of OZ
(Upon entering via a portal, on the far side of the stage a large cut out of a big red
pickup truck is leaving, as all of the people in the scene are waving and cheering.)
Watson:
Is this a parade, are there any mint sweets?
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Lion:
(Runs up and roars at them…startling Watson). Who are you and what are
you doing here?
Tin Man:
Whoa, that’s no way to greet guests.
Lion:
Guests or perhaps spies?
Scarecrow: Well, we will not know until we ask. So, fellas what brings you to the area?
Watson:
I have never been here before, I have no idea where… what area would this
be exactly?
Lion:
Playing dumb huh? You think that tactic is gonna work on me?
Holmes:
He is not playing. Watson, this is OZ.
Lion:
Okay, smart guy, what else do you know?
Tin Man:
Now, now. This is a festive occasion.
Holmes:
Indeed, was that the great Wizard of OZ that just departed?
Tin Man:
Okay, how did you know that?
Holmes:
Elementary my dear Tin Man. Everyone has heard of the Great and
Powerful Wizard of Oz, and the beautiful Emerald City.
Scarecrow: I suppose that makes sense.
Holmes:
Then those would be Munchkins?
(The Munchkins enter [sing or rap?]).
We represent the Video Gaming Guild,
The Video Gaming Guild,
and The Video Gaming Guild
And in the name of the Video Gaming Guild,
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We wish to welcome you to Oz.
We welcome you to OZ, Tra la la la la la la
Tin Man:
They’ve worked on their routine.
Scarecrow: True. Besides their thumbs, that’s the most physical activity I’ve seen them
display. Ever.
Holmes:
Yes and the young lady over there must be Dorothy. Dorothy from Kansas
Indubitably.
Scarecrow: Undoubtedly?
Tin Man:
He used the wrong the word, we can’t all be as smart as you Scarecrow.
Lion:
No. He’s speaking another language, he’s a foreign spy.
Tin Man:
Relax. He merely misspoke, that does not make him a threat.
Watson:
Wait. Dorothy, you should be sad?
Tin Man:
Why on OZ, would she be sad? This is a festive occasion.
Watson:
Because the Wizard was going to take her back to Kansas.
Dorothy:
Oh, that was talked about, but plans changed.
Watson:
What?
Holmes:
Indeed. I have deduced that the Wizard, rather than offer to take you back
to Kanas, has helped you find a place far more desirable.
Scarecrow: Well, comparatively speaking… I mean…compared to Kansas.
Tin Man:
Well, it is above Oklahoma
Scarecrow: This is no time for a geography lesson.
Watson:
What?
Holmes:
Ms. Dorothy, I notice you are not wearing bright shiny red shoes.
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Watson:
Good eye Holmes.
Lion:
To better spy on us with?
Holmes:
Wrong fairy tale Lion. As I was saying, no shiny red shoes, nor shiny silver.
Dorothy:
Oh, well those Shiny shoes belong to the Wicked Witch.
Watson:
Is she not dead? Did you not kill her with your house?
Tin Man:
No, but sadly there was a loss.
Lion:
Yeah Dorothy’s house landed on a suspicious person that recently moved
into the area.
Scarecrow: Lion, just because you have never seen a person before, does not mean they
are a threat.
Lion:
Sure, but who walks around wearing a solid red shirt? Stood out
immediately.
Watson:
A Red Shirt?
Holmes:
The house landed upon the Red Shirt. Interesting.
Lion:
Yes. The Wizard charged in and moved the Evil Witch out of the way.
Tin:
Picked her up like a sack and saved her.
Holmes:
Then what happened?
Scarecrow: The Evil Witch was really shook up, so they huddled up, talked it through,
and she concluded that she was ready to move on.
Holmes:
So she left Oz.
Tin Man:
Yes, haven’t seen her since.
Watson:
Where did she go?
Scarecrow: Congress.
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Holmes:
So no shiny shoes, just those rather large shoes.
Dorothy:
Yup, just these.
Scarecrow: The Wizard offered her these White Shoes instead.
Dorothy:
The Wizard gave me these, his very own Mega White shoes.
Scarecrow: That’s not all he did Dorothy. He helped you find yourself.
Dorothy:
He did. The Wizard helped me find me.
Watson:
Did he give you a mirror?
Holmes:
No Watson. He helped the young lady to be more introspective and to figure
out her own path in life, so she could grow, find opportunity, and develop
independence.
Scarecrow: As he did for all of us. He gave me a brain.
Tin Man:
He gave me a heart.
Lion:
He gave me courage – growl
Watson:
I wish he had given you a mint
(The Lion chases Watson through the audience.)
Tin Man:
Lion is this completely necessary.
Scarecrow: Please don’t make me call the flying monkeys.
(The chase ceases)
Holmes:
So, Dorothy…?
Dorothy:
All I have to do is click my heals three times and apply myself….
Watson:
If not Kansas then where?
Scarecrow: Anywhere would be better right?
Tin Man:
There’s no need to bash Kansas.
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Dorothy:
As I was saying, after finding myself, I decided.
Holmes:
San Francisco.
Dorothy:
Yes. How did you know?
Watson:
That’s what he does.
Dorothy:
I’ve got this super cool internship at Google.
Tin Man:
We’re going to miss you Dorothy
Dorothy:
Oh, Tin Man, Lion, and Scarecrow, I’ll never be far from you.
Tin Man:
We worry about you. Who is going to care for you?
Lion:
Who is going to protect you?
Scarecrow: Who is going to help think for you?
Dorothy:
I know. I love you all and will miss you too, but it is time I do this on my
own.
Holmes:
Besides, San Francisco is a lot like Oz…
Dorothy:
(clicks heels three times, while chanting….) …. There’s no place like selfrespect….
Scene 7:
Main Bedroom: Off-to-the-side-Stage
Sheldon:
Pause.
Leonard:
What?
Sheldon:
I need an intermission. You know my schedule; it is time for me to use the
little physicists’ room. All that delicious pomegranate juice and
antioxidants has my attention.
Leonard:
Fine…take an intermission.
(Sheldon scampers off)
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INTERMISSION
Scene 8:
Main Bedroom: Off-to-the-side-Stage
Leonard:
Feel better?
Sheldon:
I am relieved.
Leonard:
Sherlock Holmes and his colleague soon find themselves in Never-ever-land,
on a beach surrounded by pirates.
Scene 9:
Holmes:
Never-ever-land beach.
So, here we are on a nearly deserted beach. Sans for sand and that lone
lost soul.
Ben:
It’s only me. It’s only Ben. Ben Gunn is my name. I haven’t spoken to
another human being for about a year. (Nervous pause) Nice weather we’re
having isn’t it? Well I’ll see you later! (He goes to leave but Watson stops
him.)
Watson:
Were you shipwrecked?
Ben:
No, I was marooned. My last crew left me here on this island to die. That
they did. After all I did for them. Yes, they left me here. By myself too.
Watson:
How have you survived these past years alone?
Ben:
Goats! We lived on goats!
Holmes:
And, once you were tired of just goats?
Ben:
There’s not much in life a feller wants that he can’t get from a goat. Milk,
meat, clothing, a good game of chess, and really cool beards. (He strokes
his long beard.)
Watson:
Ewww.
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Ben:
Yes, all kinds of goats.
Holmes:
All that time, just you and the goats, how did you manange emotionally?
Ben:
Early on, I just had to look me, myself, and I in the mirror and say… It's
time to see what I can do, to test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me I'm free! Let it goat.
Watson:
What was that?
Ben:
A mantra. Well said.
Holmes:
I believe Watson was referring to that slightly distant sound of a rushing
crowd.
Ben:
Company. Good guess!
(A large group of pirates storm the beach from all angles, from the audience and
the sides eventually corralling Holmes, Watson and Ben in a semi-circle.)
Watson:
So let me get this straight. To this point…there has been a disturbance in
the FARCE, a mystery man has helped Snow White and her Step-mother
work things out, helped some dwarf miners find jobs, then he helped Tin
Man get a heart, Scarecrow get some brains, gave the Lion courage, helped
Dorothy find herself, and drove off in a big red truck…
Holmes:
Excellent summary work Watson.
Watson:
Thank you ole Chap.
Holmes:
You only forgot one small factor.
Watson.
The pirates?
Holmes:
Yes the pirates.
Watson:
For Queen and Country, I will defend us.
23 | P a g e
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Holmes:
Watson, use caution
Watson:
Reasonably, so, I have set my cane to stun
(Watson puts his cane up like a sword to defend himself)
Red Pirate: (charges at the two) Aaaaaaaaarrrrggggg
(Red Pirate gets close, he acts as if he were stabbed and falls down dead)
Watson:
What just happened?
Holmes:
Elementary my dear Watson.
Watson:
Right.
Sherlock
& Watson: Red Shirt!
Hook:
(Walking up from behind). What do we have here?
Watson:
It’s who, or whom we have here would also be acceptable.
Hook:
Oh, well Boys, looks like we have found us the grammar patrol. Let us have
them do a demonstration on dangling prepositions and have them walk the
plank walk? What do you say boys?
Holmes:
Captain Hook I presume.
Hook:
Hold on, what did you say?
Watson:
Holmes, my dear fellow, he does not have a hook.
Holmes:
No. He does not. He does however have a nice prosthetic, which replaced
his hook with.
Hook:
Aye. You are sharp one.
Holmes:
I further presume that the very same mystery man we have been chasing
was indeed the same person to assist you Captain Hook.
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The Big Quirky Tale
Hook:
Look, no one calls me Captain Hook anymore. Things have changed.
(He motions for the lost boys to settle down)
Watson:
Wait, Captain Hook.
Hook:
Yes? I mean, no, I have a new name now.
Watson:
Okay, who are you?
Hook:
(Presents his hand to shake). Why, I am Captain Clap.
Watson:
I’m sorry did you say Captain…
Holmes:
Yes, and these are the Lost Boys.
Watson:
So, Captain Hook, plus the Lost Boys, then…
Hook:
Captain Clap, plus the Lost Boys…
Holmes:
yes Watson, Peter Pan.
Pete:
Pete actually. I go by Pete now. (The lost boys and Hook cheers)
Hook:
It is wonderful to see you again Pete. How is the Oil and Gas business?
Pete:
Plentiful. Why, Tink just recently got a job tinkering away in Research and
Development.
Patch:
That sounds exciting. What is she working on?
Pete:
The future.
Hook:
This sounds very promising.
Pete:
Let me tell you. One word, PLASTICS
Hook:
Splendid. I say that calls for a rousing round of applause. Let us clap.
(Everyone claps)
Hook:
I do so love clapping.
Pete:
Of course, but we need to clap in moderation.
25 | P a g e
The Big Quirky Tale
Hook:
Oh, Peter…Pete.
Pete:
I know, but think of Tink. She just started her job, and you know how she
would respond to thunderous applause.
Hook:
You make an excellent point. TO which, I commend you with a golf clap.
Holmes:
Well, obviously Peter Pan has grown up into Mr. Pete Pan.
Pete:
And, I love it. On one hand, it is as if I’ve got all these responsibilities and
privileges of growing up and on the other…
Hook:
Go ahead, (places his prosthetic hand outward) “On the other hand...”
Pete:
I have fun and often feel like a kid.
Watson:
What do you?
Pete:
Oil and gas.
Watson:
Yeah. I know, I have heard that before, but what does that really mean?
Pete:
Well, take my card.
Hook:
New card? Whoa-ho, very nice look at that.
Pete:
Picked them up from the printer yesterday.
Watson:
Good coloring.
Pete:
That’s bone. And the lettering is something called Sillian Rail.
Hook:
That is very cool, now look at this (takes his business card out).
Holmes:
Captain and CEO of Jolly Rogers Associates, An Open Water Wealth
Recovery Specialist, and philanthropist?
Watson:
It looks nice.
Hook:
Eggshell with Romalian type.
Pete:
Impressive. Very nice.
26 | P a g e
The Big Quirky Tale
Hook:
Mr. Smee’s is nice too, raised lettering, pale nimbus white.
Pete:
Hmm.
Watson:
Holmes, show them your card.
Pete:
Yes, let’s see.
(Sherlock Holmes gives out his cards).
Pete:
Look at that subtle off-white coloring. The tasteful thickness of it, oh my
grief, it even has a watermark.
Watson:
I’m still not sure what it is you do? (looking at Pete’s card)
Holmes:
Let me. You are in H.R., recruiting, almost like a headhunter.
Lost Boys: Oh, no….
Holmes:
No, not that kind. He goes and finds good employees and then recruits
them to work elsewhere.
Pete:
(Laughing) I don’t know how you…but yes.
Holmes:
Simple. You went from recruiting children out of Windows, to recruiting
older, bigger “kids” who play with bigger toys.
Pete:
Amazing. That is the second time someone put it to me like that, and the
reason why I made the transition.
Holmes:
A tall, muscular man.
Pete:
Right. We talked about recruiting, free agency, and contracts. He made a
lot of sense.
Watson:
This is all very peculiar to me.
27 | P a g e
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Hook:
The important thing is everyone is doing his or her part. Here in Neverever-land we are working together. Aye, here comes Mr. Smee now, how
did the meeting with Tiger Lily go?
Mr. Smee:
Excellent. They are a go with the joint venture.
Hook:
Wonderful (begins to clap)
Pete:
Whoa. Wait until the ink is dry.
Holmes:
Let me take a crack at this. All of you and Tiger Lily are going to get
together and build a Cas…
Hook:
Resort. With zip lines, animal exhibits
Watson:
Crocodiles?
Hook:
(pause and uncomfortable look from everyone). Yes, of course as well as
this great beach.
Holmes:
So what happened to this mystery man?
Pete:
Well, he left riding away in a red…
Holmes:
Wait, Red Riding Hood….Watson. We must be off.
Watson:
Sherlock, we haven’t had our tea. Can we get a drink in a Pineapple with a
tiny umbrella?
Holmes:
No. We are English and not on holiday. Now come on. (Watson and Holmes
exit stage)
Scene 10:
Less Enchanted Forrest
Watson and Holmes enter via the foliage.
Watson:
You mentioned Red Riding Hood. So let me guess, then that’s the big bad
wolf?
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The Big Quirky Tale
Holmes:
Watson, you know better. We do not guess. We observe and deduct.
Watson:
I observe a big wolf walking on two legs.
Holmes:
I deduce you being facetious.
Wolf:
Good afternoon gentlemen, are you here to visit G-$?
Watson:
Look here sir. You might be known a big bad wolf in this neck of the woods,
but we’re here to see Grandma.
Wolf:
Well, when she’s playing cards she prefers to be called G-$.
Watson:
What have you done with the grandmother you beast?
Wolf:
What?
Holmes:
Watson, again we observe and deduce. If you look over there you will see
what appears to be the grandmother.
Wolf:
Done with her…well so far, we have done well. (He sits down at the table).
We are one good hand away from slaughtering these two.
Watson:
Big, Bad, and a boisterous Wolf to boot.
Holmes:
I apologize; I hope our intrusion does not interfere. I see you’re engaged in
a rousing game of Bridge with; hmm what must be the Troll Sisters?
G-$:
You bet your sweet pipe we are.
Watson:
Big Bad Wolf, Grandma, but where is Red Riding Hood?
G-$:
She went for a walk.
Wolf:
(he stands up from the table and walks over to the two). Gentleman, if you
do not mind. G-$ does not like to discuss a certain someone and what
happened.
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The Big Quirky Tale
Watson:
Or do you mean you do not want to discuss it with that ginormous mouth
all the better to have eaten Red Riding Hood.
G-$:
Now, hold on. That is no way to talk to Harry. You come barging by and
barking, labelling people big and bad. Sounds to me like you’re a bully.
Watson:
Well I’ve never…
Wolf:
G-$, it is okay. I will be right back.
Holmes:
Obviously, things are different.
Troll 1:
Harry, are we playing or not?
Troll 2:
Yeah, we have to get back to the goats.
Holmes:
Please, continue your card game, may we continue to chat?
Watson:
Do you people drink Tea while you play?
Holmes:
Watson now is not the time. Focus!
Wolf:
Sally and I met in grief counselling support group. Turns out, we had a lot
Harry, how did you meet G-$?
in common, including our grief.
Watson:
Good grief.
Wolf:
Yes, overall it was. Very cathartic, sharing not only grief but also the same
grief has made it so much easier.
Holmes:
Red-Riding Hood.
Wolf:
Yes. I was in the Woods.
Watson:
What did you do to the poor girl?
Wolf:
Look, I do not know what slanderous lies you heard from those the police,
but I do not go around abducting people.
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The Big Quirky Tale
Holmes:
(Turning towards Watson). In the Woods, she went for a walk. Wearing her
RED hood.
Watson:
Red Shirt!
Wolf:
Well, it was more like a poncho. She was biking in the rain.
Watson:
Why were you in the woods?
Wolf:
Well, I am a Wolf and I live there.
Watson:
A big bad wolf?
Wolf:
Okay, I had a reputation when I was younger, involved in some vandalism,
some anger issues, plenty of time I got huffing and puffing, but not that
night. I was out walking.
Holmes:
What does this have to do with you and granny?
Wolf:
I was the last one to see her before she got on her bike and rode away. She
had come into the bakery to get some bread for her sweet grandmother.
Holmes:
Then in the grief group you met G-$.
G-$:
Yes, and at first when I found out he was the last person to see her, I was
full with anger.
Watson:
Because this Harry Wolf attacked her.
G-$:
Heavens no. The group leader explained to us that’s one of the stages of
grief.
Holmes:
The group leader. Tall, muscular.
Wolf:
Yeah, he spoke about understanding loss and how painful it can be to lose.
He talked about getting back up when you’ve been knock down.
G-$:
He talked about pain. He really understood us.
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Holmes:
I see. This is starting to make a lot of sense now.
Watson:
I haven’t the foggiest idea how.
Holmes:
Come now Watson, I know just the thing to help.
(Cross stage to the next scene)
Scene 11:
Watson:
Beach
Now Sherlock, if we cannot sit for the pineapple drink, then we must really
sit down for tea. I am parched.
Holmes:
Now, now Watson get a hold of yourself.
Watson:
I hope you are not suggesting I’ve lost my composure.
Holmes:
Lost composure, of course not…
Sherlock
& Watson: After all we are English!
Holmes:
Ah, yes right here. (Walks over and gets in line)
Watson:
(Looking up at a sign with Ursula’s face on the logo and reads aloud).
Sea-BUCKS?
Holmes:
Yes, it is Tea Time.
Watson:
Splendid.
(Ariel and Ursula are working the counter).
Ariel:
Welcome to Sea-Bucks, how can we help you?
Holmes:
Tea for two please.
Ariel:
Would that be a Sugar Honey Ice Tea, or a Long Ocean Ice-tea
Watson:
No thank you. Tea would be splendid please.
Ursula:
Hey handsome we only have pink or blue sugar substitute.
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The Big Quirky Tale
Watson:
This is a tragedy.
Holmes:
Watson, this is no time for a Shakespeare reference. My apologies, we are
not from around here.
Ursula:
No Sh…
Ariel:
Shiitake Mushrooms, no Shiitake Mushroom Tea, we are all out. That’s
what she was saying.
Watson:
That sounds manky.
Holmes:
We are visitors to this enchanted port.
Ariel:
We recently just got on this land ourselves. What port do you sailors hail
from?
Watson:
Why, we’re English after all.
Ariel:
Oh… so you want warm tea?
Holmes:
Tea. Earl Grey, Hot.
Ariel:
Okay…Two, Earl Grey?
Watson:
Hot!
Ursula:
Not so bad yourself. You’re like a vente drink of bottled water.
Holmes:
Earl Grey, with two sugars.
Ursula:
I’m taken professor. I’ve got dibs on this guy.
Ariel:
What’s your names?
Holmes:
I’m Sherlock Holmes and this is Dr. Watson
Ursula:
Good looking and a Doctor. Soon to be the King of my Sea.
(Watson moves and uses Holmes as a shield.)
Holmes:
Ah, yes. We are on a bit of a mystery.
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Ursula:
Oh you poor unfortunate soul.
Holmes:
Have you seen a tall strong kind benefactor?
Ariel:
Everyone assumes I’m some lost princess looking for a man, that I NEED
some SUGAR DADDY. Well, I’ll let you know I’m standing on my own legs.
Ursula:
You’re looking for a tall stranger, but what about the good doctor here?
Watson:
Please madam this is a serious matter. Will you help us or not?
Ursula:
My dear, sweet Doctor Watson, that's what I do. It's what I live for, to help
unfortunate um men like yourself, poor souls with no one else to turn to.
Ariel:
I think they are talking about that man we met at that fundraiser. The guy
who talked about Dream Big Work Hard. How he went from being a small
fish in a small town, and turned his childhood dreams into reality.
Ursula:
Oh, I can help you Doctor.
Ariel:
Please have a seat and we will be with you soon.
(Holmes and Watson go and sit down at a table.)
Watson:
Sherlock (looking over his shoulder at Ursula), out of all our adventures, all
the chess matches with Moriarty, this is the most terrified I have ever been.
Holmes:
On one hand, there is nothing too alarming at all. That mere mermaid went
from Trophy wife walking the beach to a small business owner and I must
say they do not seem to be floundering at all.
(As she brushes her hair with a fork).
Watson:
Not that. I suppose I’m looking at this from a different perspective.
Ursula:
Doctor Who? Doctor What?
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The Big Quirky Tale
Holmes:
Yes of course. The mystery. I can understand your conundrum. A mystery
figure that seems to inspire, facilitating all these changes. In every story, it
seems he has shown up and something has changed.
Ariel:
Datsun and Poppycock?
Watson:
Irene Adler is nothing compared to that.
Holmes:
That woman?
Ariel:
Whose-son and Sure-enough?
Watson:
Frankly, I’m frightened.
Ariel:
Shamrock Poems and a Scotsman?
Watson:
Oh, for goodness sake my dear lady, we’re English not Scottish.
Holmes:
Calm down Watson. The game is afoot. Look around you what do you see?
Watson:
What? What I’m afraid cannot be unseen. Ever.
Holmes:
Open up your eyes Doctor. Observe and deduce.
Watson:
Holmes please. (Shudders).
Holmes:
Over there, the young lady mediating and the man on the stationary cycle.
They are all connected, and increase of fairytale characters is an indication
of…the FARCE. It is strong here.
(Ariel and Ursula walk over with the drinks.)
Watson:
I have a bad feeling about this.
Holmes:
A fast-paced plot whose speed usually increases, culminating in an ending.
Which often involves an elaborate chase scene.
Watson:
Well, if we must run then let us go Holmes.
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The Big Quirky Tale
Holmes:
Many farces move at a frantic pace toward the climax, in which the initial
problem is resolved one way or another…
Ursula:
One way or another, that’s my motto. I have it tattooed on my back…
Holmes:
All these characters, Watson we’re close to solving this.
The speed of the
characters being introduced is an indication. We are close. You two, tell
me more of this mystery man.
Ursula:
If you want to cross a bridge, my sweet. You've got to pay the toll. Take a
gulp, take a breath, and go ahead.
(Watson gulps some tea and stands up in a hurry)
Watson:
Tally-ho Sherlock. Let us go ahead. You were mentioning meditating.
(Watson grabs Holmes by the arm, and escorts him to a young woman.)
Watson:
Is she alive?
Holmes:
Out of the two of us, whom has the medical studies?
Watson:
At this point, I’m no longer sure.
Holmes:
I assure you the young person is fine. In fact, she is merely in a peaceful
trance,
Watson:
Is she suffering a spell?
Dawn:
Gentleman, I am Dawn and if you will sit down, Just tune in, turn off, drop
out, drop in, switch off, switch on, and chill you can find an inner beauty.
Watson:
Wait. Therefore, she is.
Holmes:
Sleeping beauty. Indubitably.
Dawn:
Undoubtingly, I have found slowing down, a sleep like trance to be a place
of true beauty.
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Holmes:
Indubitably, like a good bit of tea Watson.
Dawn:
Perhaps you mean undoubtingly…
Sherlock
Seriously? This is literature, how is it that no one else knows this word?
Dawn:
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Watson:
She’s no longer sleeping, so this is a good thing.
Dawn:
No. I found true love, in respect, respect of others and myself.
(Begins to hum as in meditating)
Watson:
Are we all going to hug?
Dawn:
The journey is not always smooth, not meant to be easy. Adversity is
bountiful. I dreamed, some day my peace of mind would come.
Watson:
Okay then.
Dawn:
If you slow down enough to listen, you can hear and see many solutions. I
listened; sometimes you have to tackle issues head on. A wicked spell was
cast; they thought I’d never wake up and get off the couch. I’m telling you
though, the guy found Godot. You gotta listen to a man that found Godot.
Watson:
I can’t keep going on like this.
Dawn:
That’s what you think.
Holmes:
Namaste
Watson:
Name what?
(Holmes has walked over to the gentleman with a stationary bike.)
Holmes:
Excuse me sir. That is an exquisite machine.
Stilts:
Indeed it is. Would you two be signing up for my 4:00 Spin Class?
Watson:
I’m sorry; I did not catch your name?
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Stilts:
Oh no, I’m not playing that game anymore.
Holmes:
Watson, do you not recognize Mr. R. Stiltskins?
Stilts:
That’s not exactly who I am any more guys.
Watson:
I also thought you would be shorter.
Stilts:
That’s why they call me Stilts now. Stilt’s Spin class.
Watson:
I really have no idea what you’re talking about.
Stilts:
Look, I use to be a part of a bit more corporate world. I worked for the
Federal Reserve with my nose to spindle you know what I mean.
Watson:
Still not a clue.
Holmes:
Continue.
Stilts:
I just never felt comfortable, always hustling. I was good at the job, and I
don’t mind working, but at times, I felt torn in half. Like I had my foot
grounded in one world, but my heart was somewhere else.
Holmes:
Then you met someone who inspired you?
Stilts:
I did.
Watson:
The tall, muscular man with the Red Iron Chariot.
Stilts:
No. Big T. The Minotaur, though he goes by Ferdinand now.
Watson:
A Minotaur? That’s bull…
Holmes:
Take a look around Watson. Observe and deduce. Would a Minotaur be so
farfetched?
Stilts:
Anyways. Big T. and I go way back, to when he used to dress the part. He
made a lot changes.
Watson:
Now he’s a plant?
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Holmes:
(Sigh). Stilts, how did Big T. change and become Ferdinand, not a FERN.
Stilts:
He had this gig, and he worked a ton of events with this other guy. This
mega big time guy. Cover of magazines and foods named after him.
Despite the fame, that guy talked about being you, not being the fame, not
playing a game, but just doing the best you can when it was your time. Do
what you want, be who you want to be, work, and with unbelievable
support from friends and family, you will get that chance.
Watson:
So you heard some Bull and now you ride a bicycle that goes nowhere.
Stilts:
Oh, it goes to the bank. I’m making money with this wheel. I mean, they
use to say I could spin gold out of straw, but I teach these SPIN classes, and
people pay for it. I’m not just making money, I’m helping make others
healthy too, and I’m happy. When I see people out there sweaty and
struggling to spin along with me, I see I’m making a difference and that’s no
bull.
Holmes:
Where can we find Ferdinand?
Stilts:
In the trendy town center at his Fine China Emporium.
Scene 12:
Main Bedroom: Off-to-the-side-Stage
Sheldon:
I see what you did there.
Leonard:
Good. Now, I need an intermission to the little physicist room.
Leonard walks off…
INTERMISSION II
Scene 13:
Sheldon:
Main Bedroom: Off-to-the-side-Stage
Did we win?
39 | P a g e
The Big Quirky Tale
Leonard:
I won’t know until the end.
Sheldon:
Well let us hurry up then. Holmes and Watson went to find Ferdinand the
Minotaur at the Trendy Town Center….
Leonard:
Wait, who’s telling this story?
Sheldon:
Proceed.
Leonard:
Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson, via the TARDIS and with all thanks
and regards to the Time Lords enter the Trendy Town Center.
Scene 14:
Trendy Town Center.
(A small crowd is gathering in front of a speaker. Some individuals hand Holmes and
Watson pamphlets.)
Holmes:
Occupy Nottingham. Intriguing.
Watson:
Fantastic! This flyer indicates there is a Tea Party gathering. Is it time for
High Tea already?
Holmes:
Yes, keep reading. I’m not sure this is what you want it to be.
Watson:
Sherlock, gather yourself together. Tea Party! It reads TEA PARTY. Could
there be anything more English? After all….
Holmes:
I’m aware,
Watson &
Holmes:
After all, we are English
Holmes:
Keep reading. Who is the keynote speaker at this Tea?
Watson:
A Robert Hood Esquire, Tax Advocate. You’re point.
Holmes:
Look Watson! It’s the mystery figure. On the other side of the crowd.
(The two try to find their way through the crowd, but are unable and end up at the
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front of the stage)
Watson:
Oh Sod it!
Holmes:
Composure Watson!
(Robert stands up on a platform and begins to speak to the crowd.)
Robert:
Thank you for being here. For standing up and letting the elite know that
Nottingham belongs not just to those inside the castle gates, not to merely
the 1% but to all of us.
Crowd:
Cheers.
Robert:
The TEA Party is nothing without all of you.
Watson:
Okay, now this is starting to get good.
Robert:
Excessively high taxes are a burden for those exercising their personal
liberty to work hard and prosper; a fiscally responsible government protects
the freedom of its citizens to enjoy the fruits of their own labor without
interference from a government.
Watson:
Sherlock? What does any of this have to do with tea? He mentioned fruit,
is it a fruity tea?
Robert:
Student Loans are a means to enslave a work force. It’s crazy to loan
money to kids to go college, so they can get jobs merely to pay the loan.
This is vicious cycle.
Watson:
Well, I’m not sure what this goof is talking about University did me
wonders.
Robert:
A vicious cycle I witnessed. My good personal friend Will Scarlett, a young
man with passion was accepted to VGHS. Sadly, the tuition burden became
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too much. Next thing we knew, he had given up all video gaming to work
three jobs in an effort to remain there. Giving up gaming, his passion, his
dreams began to shrivel. To re-devote himself, he took out loans.
Watson:
Again, what does this have to do with tea and I have yet to see a single
crumpet.
Robert:
Upon graduation, Will Scarlett could nary find a job that could pay him
non-fictional wages. Nothing close to what it took to pay off those school
loans.
Will Scarlett, my friend, paid the cost. We are here remembering
him and his sacrifices, to learn from his lost. Will Scarlett’s cautionary
tale, it is our badge of color as we occupy Nottingham. We will not forget.
Watson:
Goodness, what happened to this young fellow. Sherlock, do you think, you
know…
Sherlock:
Poppycock Watson. His name. Scarlett, he is merely the Red Shirt for this
tale.
Watson:
How can you be so sure?
Sherlock:
I will prove it to you. Excuse me.
Handsel:
huh?
Sherlock:
Yes, this is our first time at one of your rallies. I was wondering if you could
tell me more about this Will Scarlett.
Watson:
Is he dead?
Handsel:
Yeah….on the inside.
Sherlock:
So, he is alive but…
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Handsel:
Not living. Upon graduation, he left with that diploma and some killer
thumb skills. He was amazingly fast with his combo moves.
Watson:
Combos, would those essentially be the same thing as Crumpets?
Sherlock:
Go on …
Handsel:
His game was for realz. Just couldn’t pay the bills, regardless of those
skillz.
Watson:
I say did you add a Z to the end of that?
Handsel:
In the end, he couldn’t keep going like that. He gave up and became an
accountant.
Sherlock:
That is a touching cautionary tale, and Mr. Robert Hood Esquire, he…
Handsel:
Has made a real difference. He really is out there fighting for the common
folk. Hold on, you have to meet Mr. Hood.
(Gretel comes from the crowd and finds them.)
Gretel:
Handsel, there you are. I thought you were lost again.
Handsel:
ONE TIME! One time, and you were there too….
Gretel:
Look, we’ve come a long way from that, let’s not… wait, who are these guys?
Handsel:
Oh, um I don’t know really.
Gretel:
Talking to strangers again?
Watson:
I do not think we are that strange.
Holmes:
I am Sherlock Holmes and this is Dr. Watson
Gretel:
Dr. Who?
Holmes:
Common misconception, being British and a Doctor.
Handsel:
I was going to introduce them to Mr. Hood.
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The Big Quirky Tale
Gretel:
Well, you know you need to run all interviews by Puss in Boots.
Watson:
Who is Puss in Boots?
Handsel:
One cool cat.
Holmes:
From what I recall of the classic Puss in Boots, a cunning cat in sleek boots
that uses smooth talking, negotiating skills, a bright mind and even
somewhat treacherous devotion to benefit another. That would make for
an excellent Public Relations Agent.
Handsel:
Okay, so where is Puss in Boots?
Gretel:
She went to the Tangled Towers to visit with Rapunzel, to discuss a
speaking tour. You know how tall those towers are, so she’s probably still
riding an elevator.
Handsel:
Gretel:
Holmes:
So now what?
Well what do these guys want?
We have been investigating an agent of change, the impact a particular
figure.
Handsel:
Hmmm.
Gretel:
Come on Handy, you know who he is talking about the tall guy that helped
Robert Hood sack the castle and remove the evil Sheriff of Nottingham.
Holmes:
Sack the castle you say?
Handsel:
Oh yeah, that guy, he got us all pepped up.
Gretel:
You weren’t there.
Handsel:
Well, I heard all the stories and put the pieces together.
Gretel:
Yeah, you followed the bread trail did you?
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Handsel:
That was hurtful.
Watson:
So where is the tall guy now?
Holmes:
A better question would be where is the China shop?
Handsel:
Ferdinand’s?
Holmes:
Yes.
Gretel:
Puss in Boots is going to want to talk with you.
Watson:
Some sort of Cat and Mouse game?
Handsel:
Just go past the Hickory Dickory clock, through the Backward Pawn Park,
and take a liberal right turn.
Gretel:
Good luck.
Scene 15:
Leonard:
Main Bedroom: Off-to-the-side-Stage
Now, I need an intermission…this is my last chance to sign up at the Silent
Auction, I think Penny would really like the… (Insert TBD)
Sheldon:
Fine…take an intermission; be sure you sign up for the tickets to the
Museum.
Leonard:
Which one?
Sheldon:
All of them.
(Leonard runs off….)
INTERMISSION III
Scene 16:
Watson:
Holmes:
Backward Pawn Park (Chessboard)
Where are we, exactly?
This clearly must be Backward Pawn Park, based on these pawn pieces
around.
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The Big Quirky Tale
Watson:
Is this a giant Chessboard?
Holmes:
This is fascinating Watson, quite the homage.
Watson:
Are you sure Holmes? After all, we are not in a desert and we had tea
earlier, I do feel dehydrated.
Holmes:
Oh. NO! An homage, not a mirage.
Watson:
Well I am rather tense, but I do not believe now is the time for a massage.
Holmes:
Homage, special honor or respect shown…when we return I absolutely must
purchase you a dictionary.
Watson:
If you insist, fine! However, there is only one dictionary I will accept for the
Queen’s English.
Holmes:
Of course, the Oxford.
Watson:
After all…
Holmes:
Yes, yes, you might think we would get tired of proclaiming this.
Watson:
Poppycock sir, we never get weary of boasting our stature…
Holmes &
Watson:
After all, we are English.
Holmes:
Let us put this dictionary debacle behind us and continue.
Watson:
This whole adventure has been rather perplexing, now we well… what does
any of this have to do with a fairy-tale?
Holmes:
Remember, we observe and deduce…what do you see.
Watson:
Well, I see chess pieces.
Holmes:
To discover what we know, we first must figure out exactly what we know,
which leaves us to see the empty spaces of everything we do not know,
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which is insightful into itself and again allows us to dig deeper to the
achievement of not only knowing but understanding. Continue…
Watson:
I see chess pieces.
Holmes:
(sighs heavily)…tell me about these Chess Pieces.
Watson:
Well, I see a Rook, some pawns, and a Knight. Wait the pawn that is
knocked over on its side, all the pieces on the side are…
Holmes:
Indeed.
Watson:
Red! You did say Redshirts were like the pawns of Science Fiction and here
is a RED Pawn, and the rook on its side, like a castle that has been sacked.
Holmes:
That is a rather literal interpretation Watson.
Watson:
We are literal characters derived from literature
Holmes:
I would contend we are more along the lines of caricatures or
interpretations from a brilliant quirky mind.
Watson:
Did you hear that? I was expecting more laughter when you said brilliant
mind.
Holmes:
I’m sure you’re not alone there Watson, in fact I do believe we are being
watched.
Watson:
Do you think?
Holmes:
Always Watson, I’m always thinking…now take a closer look at the knight.
Watson:
It’s a horse, quit common actually… hold on. I do believe that is a Unicorn.
Holmes:
Ah, and now we have gone from merely a homage to a Fairy-tale connection.
Watson:
I was hoping we would see a Unicorn, seeing a Unicorn is rarity.
Holmes:
Almost as much as a twilight sparkle.
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T.S.:
Ahh, you called?
Watson:
Who, what…are you?
T.S.:
I am Twilight-Sparkle, I’m a troll and this is my board.
Watson:
I’m afraid I simply haven’t the foggiest idea what you’re talking about.
T.S.:
Of course, you don’t OLD MAN, perhaps with some new glasses, a few
courses at the community college; maybe you could open up a “Spacebook”
account.
Holmes:
This is Indubitably, the most bizarre series of events yet.
T.S.:
Look, ROTFL, you OLD ODD COUPLE, get off my board before I destroy
you.
(Begins TKD moves and throwing purple scarves/beanbags/pom-poms at them
Watson and Holmes take a step back, and Watson takes his cane out to use as a Sword,
when suddenly a ninja enters…. Moreover, they engage in a choreographed fight
sequence with the ninja winning, turning to Watson and Holmes and bowing before
leaving.)
Watson:
Holmes?
Holmes:
I got nothing. That was just weird.
Watson:
(looking around) Oh my deer (pointing)
Holmes:
No need to be alarmed Watson; even I have moments of bewilderment.
Watson:
Look, over there! Deer!
Holmes:
Now, now, Watson, keep your composure, I know we have known each other
for years and we are very close chums…
Watson:
Look over there at that deer (pointing)
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Holmes:
Ahh, I see. (They walk over to the deer). Sang Kancil, I presume.
Watson:
What are we singing?
Kancil:
He’s funny. I’m impressed you know me.
Watson:
I have no clue.
Kancil:
That’s been obvious since the beginning.
Holmes:
This is Sang Kancil.
Kancil:
I’m not surprised this fellow hasn’t an idea. The Western World tends to be
so wrapped up in its Euro-American tales. Sadly, so few have heard of my
tales.
Watson:
You’re too small to be Comet or Blitzen…so who are you?
Kancil:
You’ve never heard of me at all? Kancil and the Farmer, where I outsmart
the farmer and steal a Cucumber, or Kancil and The Elephant where I
outwit the pachyderm, Kancil and the Crocodile where I outwitted the entire
Float, or Sang Kancil and the Tiger where I…?
Watson:
out boasted the Tiger?
Holmes:
Now, now Watson lets remain focused. As you were not surprised that
some may not know of your amazing tales, I am not surprised to find you
along our journey. I am however curious though, the Hookah seems a bit
inappropriate given the setting; surely even in the fairy tale realm, everyone
is aware of the harmful effects of Tabaco use.
Kancil:
Says the gentleman that is carrying a calabash pipe.
Holmes:
Yes, but this is no ordinary calabash pipe (he blows bubbles out of it).
Watson:
Splendid Holmes.
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Kancil:
I’m smarter than the average deer (as he inhales from the Hookah and then
blows bubbles out of his nose). See what happens when you make
assumptions?
Watson:
You make an…
Kancil:
Yourself look silly. Now, tell me what else are you curious about.
Watson:
Okay, there was this bookshelf and then a mutant butterfly or moth…
Holmes:
We haven’t the time to start at the beginning.
Watson:
Shall we start with dessert then?
Holmes:
Why not answer this, that beautifully orchestrated display of Ta Kwan Do,
who were they?
Kancil:
Well, the twit Mr. Sprakle, that angry Bronnie is as he said a Troll. The
other, well that would be Pinocchio.
Watson:
What! Okay, this just got Redonkulous.
Kancil:
Oh, no it is real. After becoming a real boy, he was mentored, going from
lies to controlling his tongue. He was inspired to be strong and to defend
others rather than just chasing games and candy. No trophy, no flowers,
no flashbulbs, no wine, he is no longer haunted by something he cannot
define.
Holmes:
Where can we find his mentor?
Kancil:
Last I saw or heard, he was helping someone train and prepare to
overcome...
(the music ACDC Thunder begins to play in the background).
Yeah, he’s on the way now.
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Watson:
Who?
Kancil:
First base?
Holmes:
Not now deer.
Kancil:
Holmes please, I barely know you.
(Thor enters from the audience.)
Watson:
The mystery figure behind all the changes is Thor?
Thor:
Hello, I thought I would just swing by and get some reps in.
Holmes:
I do not think so.
Watson:
Now look here mouse deer, you said “here he comes”, implying he was the
mystery figure and hero.
Kancil:
Oh, no…this is the guy being trained.
Holmes:
No, the hero of this tale is not Thor.
Thor:
Excuse me? I am the GOD OF THUNDER (thunder crash) and I have this
awesome big hammer. I should be the hero of every tale.
Holmes:
I’m afraid not this time ole chap. In fact you are out of your realm.
Kancil:
Burn!
Watson:
What?
Kancil:
Second base.
Thor:
I’m Thor, son of Odin, King of Asgard and protector of nine realms, and you
are merely what? English.
Holmes:
Indubitably.
Thor:
What is this crooked tongue you speak?
Kancil:
Wait? Did you hear that? Oh no.
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Thor:
Whatever it is you fear you tiny deer, I will protect you.
Kancil:
I appreciate that kindly, and I will let you protect me here, as I go over
there.
Watson:
What is it now?
Kancil:
Time is a valuable thing. Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings. Watch it
count down to the end of the day. It is Bunny Foo Foo. (He runs off stage)
Thor:
I will be your Foo Fighter.
Watson:
A bunny? Why is he afraid of a bunny?
Holmes:
You recall the horrific tales of the hare, Scooping up the field mice
and bopping them on the head. Kancil is a mouse-deer.
Watson:
That is a jump, even for me.
(Bunny Foo Foo enters menacingly, approaching in a terrifying manner. Watson draws
out his cane. Thor begins to swing his hammer.)
Thor:
Behind me puny and pruny English, it is time to zap this wabbit up with a
heavy dose of Wattage.
(The mystery figure enters the stage and tackles Bunny Foo Foo knocking him
unconscious, and as the mystery figure stands up Watson runs up and grabs him
around the arm).
Watson:
Alas, we have you.
Holmes:
Yes, indeed. Do you know whom we have?
Watson:
Of course, it is no other than… um, well it is not Hercules, nor Thor.
Thor:
Oden’s great beard I only wish I was he.
Holmes:
Well, let me introduce you to...
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(Walks over and begins to remove the hood but pauses)
TURN PAGE FOR BIG REVEAL BUT YOU MUST FIRST GUESS
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