Change the Forecast: 3. Stormy Weather
Proverbs 3:3-4
May 15, 2016
Pastor Steve Richards
When we were living in Texas, I learned about wall clouds. I don’t ever remember seeing one
when I was growing up in Minnesota, but if you live in Texas you know about wall clouds. One
spring day when we were living outside of Fort Worth, Amanda and I were taking care of two
children while their parents were out of town. We had the children with us in the car when I
looked to the west and saw something that looked like this (photo of a wall cloud) and I asked
Amanda, what is that? And she said, it’s a wall cloud. You see something like that and you know
there’s going to be stormy weather. When it comes to the weather, there is no escaping the
storm. You just want to be in a safe place. Relationships come with their own storms, and that’s
what I want us to consider this morning.
This is a series about relationships. We all have relationships. Within every relationship, there is
a climate. There is a climate associated with your friendships, the people at work, your family,
your marriage, even here at church. We learned that the climate of that relationship dictates the
forecast. If you have a friendship where the climate is cold and hostile, we can likely predict the
forecast of that relationship. To change the forecast, we must change the climate. We all have
at least one relationship that needs a climate change. We hope the short term forecast, or at
least the long term forecast, of that relationship will improve, but it will not improve until the
climate changes. It’s like the weather. If you want a winter without snow, you can’t stay in this
climate. You can hope all you want, but the forecast won’t change – there’s going to be snow unless the climate changes. Not only do our relationships have a climate, but we have a climate
– and it goes with us wherever we go. But the challenge is we can’t see it. We don’t know what
it’s like to be in a relationship with us. So, two weeks ago, our assignment was to ask 3 people:
What’s it like to be on the other side of me? I’ve been impressed by the way many of you did
this and what asking that question prompted. Then, last week, we looked at one thing that can
negatively affect a relationship and that’s insecurity. We all know what it’s like to be in a
relationship with an insecure person. But when the insecurity is cured, there is a climate
change. What’s the cure to insecurity? Do you see you as God sees you? Because when we
begin to see ourselves as God sees us, that’s the cure.
Whenever we talk about relationships, we get to today’s topic: CONFLICT. And when it is not
dealt with or resolved, the relationship gets stuck. Maybe you’ve seen this where you are in a
restaurant and you notice two people at a table and there is no interaction, no conversation, no
acknowledgement that another person is even at the table – or maybe they both are looking at
their phones, but they are not connecting with each other. And maybe it’s because they have
not addressed this (conflict). Conflict influences our climate, and it doesn’t go away. We may try
to ignore it or pretend it’s been forgotten, but until it’s addressed it continues to live below the
surface and it’s not a matter of IF it will come back to the surface, only a matter of WHEN. And
the longer it goes unresolved, the greater the emotion and pain associated with it.
The problem is not conflict. The problem is not that there is disagreement in the relationship.
Sometimes we’ve heard about a couple married for years and years who claim they’ve never
experienced conflict – never had an argument. And I begin to wonder if they lived in separate
houses, because I have no idea how you could be married to someone, have a long-term
friendship with someone or work closely with someone and never disagree. Conflict is part of
living. It’s part of being human.
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Amanda and I have been married for 34 years, and I love her more today than ever and I’ve
already decided that if she ever decides to leave me, I’m going with her. She’s stuck with me,
but that doesn’t mean we haven’t had times of conflict. We are two very different people who
don’t always see things the same way. Some of the best moments in our relationship were
when we had small children but those were also some of the hardest years. Life was changing.
Our resources were stretched and then we had two amazing daughters but I still can’t believe
they let us bring them homme from the hospital. What I remember was how exhausting it was.
We both worked and had different schedules – and of course, I worked every weekend. And
child care was hard to find. And we began to drift. We didn’t communicate often enough or well
enough, but once or twice a year my parents would take our daughter for a couple of days and
Amanda and I would rent a hotel room. One fall, I found a small cabin on the North Shore near
Gooseberry Falls. We arrived late in the afternoon, had dinner at a nearby restaurant and then
went back to the cabin. I turned on the television, settled into a chair and I entered a zone where
I shut out everything but what I could see on that television screen. After a while, I looked over
to my left and Amanda was sitting on the edge of the bed, not looking at the television but
looking at me – and it wasn’t this loving, “I think you’re so handsome” kind of gaze. It was the
sort of look where suddenly I realized “oh-oh”. And then I said something that I realized the
moment I said it I should not have said it. I said, “What?” I suddenly recognized the look. It was
that wall cloud. When I first met Amanda it didn’t register that I was falling in love with a
therapist, someone whose professional life would be all about addressing conflict when my
natural inclination was conflict avoidance – just pretend there isn’t any conflict! But in that cabin
that evening, I did something I didn’t want to do. I thought if we just get away from the stressful
environment, just avoid the issues, the relationship gets better. That might work if I was in a
relationship all by myself. And what I did that evening was turn off the television and turn toward
Amanda, and listened.
The climate of a relationship improves when conflict is resolved and not ignored. When it comes
to conflict there are two kinds of people: conflict embracers and conflict avoiders. Do you know
who you are? Conflict embracers are ready. They don’t ignore, but because you move toward
the conflict, ready to address it, you can shut others down. You want to win and the person on
the other side of you can put up a wall and shut down. Then there are conflict avoiders (hello,
my name is Steve and I’m a conflict avoider). A conflict avoider’s initial reaction in a relationship
is to take a step back and say – just give it some time and it will take care of itself – when in
reality it never goes away. Sometimes a relationship is worth fighting for. So what do we do?
According to the Old Testament, King Solomon was the wisest man who ever lived. Tradition
attributes much of the book of Proverbs to his wise teaching. This morning, we hear two verses
which tell us that if we get two things right in a relationship, then the climate of that relationship
will improve. Proverbs 3:3-4. We’re going to fill in the blanks. Don’t let ______ and _______
leave you. Bind them on your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart. Carry these two
things with you. In ancient Israel and in orthodox Judasim today, amulets with words of scripture
were worn around one’s neck, carried close to one’s heart. And Solomon is saying that when we
let these two things into our relationships something powerful happens. Then you will find
favor and approval in the eyes of God and humanity. The relationship improves. Solomon
says, one of the things I’ve observed in life is if we get verse 3 right then we experience verse 4.
And the two words? Love and loyalty. Eugene Peterson puts it this way: Don’t lose your grip
on love and loyalty. Tie them around your neck. Carve their initials on your heart. Earn a
reputation for living well in God’s eyes and the eyes of people. I want that!
What’s loyalty? It’s standing up for what you believe in. It’s being faithful. It’s being the person
that the person on the other side of you can count on – and not letting anything come between
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you. Loyalty. As a conflict avoider, the tendency is to take a step back – and that’s not loyalty.
Whenever there is conflict in a marriage and I don’t want to deal with it, I’m being disloyal to
Amanda and she deserves better. Whenever there’s a conflict on our church staff, and I don’t
want to address it, this verse begins to speak to me because they deserve a better leader than
that. If there’s conflict in the family – maybe it’s with your parents or your children or a sibling –
or a conflict in a friendship, I can’t ignore it or pretend it goes away, what’s needed is loyalty. It’s
a call to action. Otherwise the relationship gets stuck and real issues never get addressed. Are
you willing to fight for the relationship? If it’s at work, it means saying to your co-worker: “I’m
willing to have a difficult conversation even if it involved an issue I don’t want to address
because our working relationship matters too much to me.” And if you are married, this is huge.
Taking time to invest in the relationship.Take a step toward the conflict because the relationship
is worth fighting for.
Conflict embracers. The word is love. The Hebrew word is hesed often translated as loving
kindness. Hesed is a reflection of who God is. When it comes to conflict, the number one
mistake in workplaces is called Fundamental Attribution Error. It’s when management makes a
decision and the employees throw up their hands and say, “I can’t believe it. There they go
again.” At that point the employees have made the fundamental attribution error. Or if
management sees employees reacting and say, “There they go again. They just don’t get it.”
Management has committed the fundamental attribution error. Or in a relationship, one person
says something or does something and the other person just rolls their eyes. The fundamental
attribution error is whenever one side assumes the motive of the other side. Whenever there’s
conflict, the response is “there he/she goes again”. Fundamental attribution error. Assuming
motive. Instead, what’s Solomon say? Hesed – loving kindness. Or Stephen Covey says: “first
seek to understand…before being understood.” Stop and focus on the other person. It’s saying,
“I want to hear what you have to say.” Then stop talking and listen.
3000 years ago, there were two words of wisdom that still work today: Loyalty and Loving
kindness. Every relationship needs them both. No relationship can thrive without them. Conflict
avoider? Remember Loyalty. Conflict embracers? Remember Loving kindness. Years ago,
there was interview that I read where Ruth Graham was asked about her marriage to Billy
Graham. At the time, they had been married for more than 50 years, and she was asked if she
had ever considered divorcing Billy. She replied, “Divorce? No. Murder? Yes.” Every
relationship will experience conflict. The problem is not conflict. The problem is not having the
courage to fight for the relationship – not investing in the relationship. Maybe you’re estranged
from your children, don’t give up – keep fighting and ask God to help you. If it’s a relationship at
work and you are ready to quit and move on, before you do that – take courage, step into the
storm. Remember loyalty. Remember loving kindness. Is there stormy weather in your
relationship? Take courage, step into the storm, ask for God’s help. It’s worth the investment.
“Then you will find favor and approval in the eyes of God” …and that person on the other side of
you.
Study Guide
Weekly Prayer: You create us for love, O God. You have given us depth of feeling, to share it
with others. Often in the midst of conflict, we find that we are not honoring you or the
relationship that we have with another. Forgive us, O God. Move within us so that loyalty and
faithfulness will be our guide. Amen.
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Monday, May 16
Scripture: Matthew 5:27-30
“You have heard that it was said, Don't commit adultery. But I say to you that every man who
looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery in his heart. And if your right eye
causes you to fall into sin, tear it out and throw it away. It's better that you lose a part of your
body than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to fall into
sin, chop it off and throw it away. It's better that you lose a part of your body than that your
whole body go into hell.
Observation: Whatever your relationships and whatever the issues in those relationships,
wouldn’t it be great to learn about stronger relationships right from Jesus? In his Sermon on the
Mount, Jesus offered much wisdom in that area. Using “prophetic hyperbole,” he taught the too
often ignored truth that faithless hearts (and not just bodies) deeply hurt relationships.
Application: What word or phrase speaks to you from the scripture? Jesus didn’t favor literally
tearing out your eye or chopping off your hand. His hyperbolic images showed how strongly he
felt about us living up to our pledges of faithfulness. Has a friendship or situation ever drawn you
away from faithfulness to your spouse or to God? What did you learn about yourself? Read
Proverbs 3:3-4.
Prayer: Gracious God, thank you for offering direction in my life. Help me to establish those
boundaries that I need to keep me from wandering away from your direction and wandering into
situations that will harm the important relationships in my life. Give me the strength that I need
for this day. Amen.
Tuesday. May 17
Scripture: Matthew 5:33-37
“Again you have heard that it was said to those who lived long ago: Don't make a false solemn
pledge, but you should follow through on what you have pledged to the Lord. But I say to you
that you must not pledge at all. You must not pledge by heaven, because it's God's throne. You
must not pledge by the earth, because it's God's footstool. You must not pledge by Jerusalem,
because it's the city of the great king. And you must not pledge by your head, because you can't
turn one hair white or black. Let your yes mean yes, and your no mean no. Anything more than
this comes from the evil one.
Observation: Jesus stressed the value of honesty in what lies behind our words as well as in
the words themselves. Our integrity shouldn’t come and go (“I swear I mean it this time”)—it
should be a given. “When you manipulate words to get your own way, you go wrong” (The
Message).
Application: What word or phrase speaks to you from the scripture? Honesty begins with being
honest with yourself and God (often a group, counselor, or accountability partner gives us
needed help). How well do you understand the inner or outer forces that most often tempt you to
“shade” your words or promise to the people you love the most? How are you doing at being
honest with yourself and God?
Prayer: Lord, as you spoke to the crowd that day, I hear your voice speaking to me today. Help
me to embrace your teaching about honesty and integrity. Let me be your witness as I live this
day. Amen.
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Wednesday, May 18
Scripture: Matthew 7:1-6
“Don't judge, so that you won't be judged. You'll receive the same judgment you give. Whatever
you deal out will be dealt out to you. Why do you see the splinter that's in your brother's or
sister's eye, but don't notice the log in your own eye? How can you say to your brother or sister,
‘Let me take the splinter out of your eye,' when there's a log in your eye? You deceive yourself!
First take the log out of your eye, and then you'll see clearly to take the splinter out of your
brother's or sister's eye. Don't give holy things to dogs, and don't throw your pearls in front of
pigs. They will stomp on the pearls, then turn around and attack you.
Observation: Jesus clearly spoke to our religious feelings and acts, but relationships, too, are
hurt if one person judges everything the other person does as “inferior” or “wrong.” How healing
it is when we can step back, listen, and understand why we feel a need to criticize and judge.
“First take the log out of your eye”!
Application: What word or phrase speaks to you from the scripture? It’s not what you have in
common with others that causes conflict, but your differences. What differences bother you? Do
you have a balanced view of those you care about, seeing flaws and strengths? If you’ve fallen
into a negative focus, what could help you get the relationship back on track?
Prayer: O God, I don’t like to be judged by others, but I admit that it is much too easy for me to
judge others. Forgive me when a judgment or a conclusion becomes my first thought. Help me
to see my motives with honesty and clarity, and then let you be the judge. In Jesus’ name.
Amen.
Thursday, May 19
Scripture: Matthew 7:7-12
“Ask, and you will receive. Search, and you will find. Knock, and the door will be opened to you.
For everyone who asks, receives. Whoever seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door
is opened. Who among you will give your children a stone when they ask for bread? Or give
them a snake when they ask for fish? If you who are evil know how to give good gifts to your
children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good things to those who ask him.
Therefore, you should treat people in the same way that you want people to treat you; this is the
Law and the Prophets.
Observation: Jesus summed up the big idea he was teaching in the Sermon on the Mount
about human relationships. He told his hearers to love their enemies, be honest, show mercy,
and more. Those were not separate, individual rules—they were expressions of the grand
principle of treating others as God treats us, and as we would wish to be treated.
Application: What word or phrase speaks to you from the scripture? Our culture teaches that
we ought to treat people as they deserve to be treated. But Jesus spoke of treating people as
God treats us—with grace and generosity. What good things can happen in a marriage, a family
or a friendship if love and grace replace “deserving” to guide us in mutual love and sharing?
Prayer: God, you are the author and creator of all that is good and holy. You have given a rule
that will hold my relationships together. Let me be the blessing that others need me to be – and
in doing so, may I become the person you created me to be. Amen.
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Friday, May 20
Scripture: Ephesians 4:25-27
Therefore, after you have gotten rid of lying, Each of you must tell the truth to your neighbor
because we are parts of each other in the same body. Be angry without sinning. Don't let the
sun set on your anger. Don't provide an opportunity for the devil.
Observation: The apostle Paul quoted Psalm 4:4 from the Greek translation of the Old
Testament (called the Septuagint). Then, as though realizing that “be angry without sinning”
might be just a bit vague (“How do I do that?”), he added this timeless relational advice: “Don’t
let the sun set on your anger,” or, as The Message puts it, “Don’t go to bed angry.” (Though,
some might say this is a recipe for staying awake all night! Instead, the advice is “don’t ignore
it”.)
Application: What word or phrase speaks to you from the scripture? Anger, in itself, is not
bad—it is one of four basic human emotions. Ephesians said we can be angry without sinning.
Anger becomes risky when we let it fester and don’t deal with it directly. How good are you at
recognizing, and then dealing constructively, with your own anger? When have you seen a
failure to honestly face anger be destructive to a relationship?
Prayer: Ever-present God, you know when I have been angry. You also know that I know when
I have been angry. Help me to face my own anger quickly and without causing harm. Open my
mind and heart to the wisdom of others. Amen.
Saturday, May 21
Scripture: Ephesians 4:29-32
Don't let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for
building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say. Don't make the Holy
Spirit of God unhappy—you were sealed by him for the day of redemption. Put aside all
bitterness, losing your temper, anger, shouting, and slander, along with every other evil. Be
kind, compassionate, and forgiving to each other, in the same way God forgave you in Christ.
Observation: Paul provides that which can move all of us toward being better relationship
partners. Treating one another in un-Christlike ways (bitterness, losing your temper, anger,
shouting, and slander, along with every other evil) harms relationships. Conversely, inviting
Christ into your life to change you from the inside out opens you to bearing fruits like kindness,
compassion and a heart able to forgive. God is at work through such qualities to bring healing to
your relationships.
Application: What word or phrase speaks to you from this reading? From the beginning of
scripture with Adam and Eve in the garden, we are shown that the first results of failure to follow
God’s ways were denying responsibility and blaming others. Ephesians, too, urged its readers
to focus on letting God grow them into better partners before looking at others. Ask God to
guide you as you respond to conflict. Trust God to do God’s part as you do your part to grow in
relationships.
Prayer: Once again, most loving and gracious God, I place my life in your hands. Show me
where I need to give attention and let me be patient enough to listen for your direction. Give me
the wisdom to know what to do and the courage to do it, in Jesus’ name. Amen.
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