CHARACTER TRAITS - A PERSPECTIVE FROM A COLLEGE STUDENT
In high school, I was an introvert, and I had an enemy. I had done nothing to him. The
lockers in my high school were assigned alphabetically, so every single year I was right next to
the same student. I knew we were enemies because he never said a word to me. He looked at me
occasionally, and whenever I would return the look, he would look away with a smirk. It was no
big deal, but as this behavior went on day after day for years, I couldn’t help but feel offended
and a little hurt. Finally, during my third year of high school, we spoke. We were both in the
same English class, and we were paired together to peer-edit each other’s paper. He looked as
unhappy about the arrangement as I felt. He shocked me when he said,
“What’s your problem with me, dude?”
I was taken aback. I thought I was the one who had an enemy. I thought I had done
nothing to that other kid. I was convinced he was the one who had done something to me.
Turns out, I made an error of judgment, the same error of judgment every day for three
years. I made snap decisions about his character traits before I had analyzed my own. I was
biased, and I let my bias cause me to judge him unfairly. I could not judge his behavior
accurately because I was looking at him through the filter of my own character. All the things he
“did” to me, I also “did” to him. He never said “hi” because I never said “hi.” In turn, I never
introduced myself because he never introduced himself. We were like mirrors, reflecting each
other’s negative traits and then judging each other for what we saw. Neither of us ever acted
friendly as fellow high school students should. We were both offenders. In the process, we made
enemies of each other and victims.
People react to other people’s actions as if the actions always speak truthfully of
character. But actions can deceive, especially if we can’t see them clearly. It is impossible to
accurately judge a person’s character until you come to terms with your own. Our own character
traits are like contact lenses or window-tints. These lenses can distort our views and perceptions.
In the previous story, my lenses made me mistake someone else’s actions as hostile; they also
prevented me from seeing that I was doing the exact same “hostile” thing. High school tensions
and rivalries are miniscule (though in extreme cases tragic) consequences of this very human
trait, but the implications are enormous, and the impacts can make the world shake.
The first step to prevent this kind of misunderstanding is to understand your character
traits, your lenses. In my case I was being shy, and it was interpreted as rude by another shy
student, which caused him to be even quieter, which I perceived as rude. It was a vicious cycle of
misperception that took three years to break. Such confusion does not happen only among the
quiet. An intense person might misinterpret a meek or modest individual as being weak. If a
person expresses their intelligence by being outspoken, it might be easy for them to judge
someone who is quiet as being a poor student, even if that quiet student is at the top of the class.
What I experienced in high school was a misunderstanding of character traits. That
particular case was a misunderstanding between students. Improving our understanding of
character traits—our own and other people’s—helps us interact more effectively. Understanding
and developing certain character traits also can benefit the community, and benefiting the
community ultimately benefits each of us.
SAVE’s Student Advisory Board made a public service announcement containing some tips to
develop good character traits. One relevant to my story: be respectful and carry good manners.
The beauty of this advice is that if you achieve either of the parts, you will achieve both.
In my story, I did not have good manners. Three years of awkward unfriendliness could have
been avoided by a simple polite gesture known as an introduction. Refusing to take thirty
seconds out of my hectic high school life was a silly move on my part. Reasons why someone
would not do this are numerous, but none of those reasons to be unfriendly is as important as the
reason to use good manners: good manners convey a level of respect. Respect is a universal
language, one that everyone understands. A strong hand shake and a confident introduction is not
a bonus in life; it is a requirement. In a career or even socially, people appreciate such signs of
respect. Eye contact is another respectful manner which some people struggle with, but is still a
part of daily life. People want to feel heard. If someone says something, look them in the eyes to
signal that you hear them and, thus, that you respect them enough to pay attention. Direct eye
contact is not only respectful, but it is appreciated because it tells a person they matter.
Another piece of advice that SAVE’s Student Advisory Board stated in their
announcement is: be a good friend.
This important trait can be trickier than it appears. People can be hard to read. As in my
story, misunderstandings occur all the time. Sometimes it pays to be a good friend to someone
before you are even friends with them. Being a good friend is one of the most important traits a
person can have. A concept that I have found to help me be a good friend is to think in terms of
common grounds.
Understanding common ground is a terrific way to be a good friend as well as a way to
make friends. It can be so easy to think that you would never get along with somebody because
you may believe that the two of you have nothing in common. I can guarantee that there is not a
single person in the world that you have nothing in common with. We have a tendency to view
people as either “with us” or “against us.” It is common to think in these narrow terms.
Music is a good example. I do not listen to rap very often. One of my friends is a huge
fan. We have spent hours discussing and disagreeing about music. I listen to rock; he listens to
rap. He dislikes guitars; I dislike soundboards. I think rap is too explicit; he thinks rock is too
boring. Our different preferences seemed so important that one time we forgot our common
ground: we both love music. As a matter of fact, we both love music so much that we frequently
are willing to spend hours discussing it. That’s our common ground, and it’s the basis of a
friendship built on respect for each other’s opinions, even when they differ.
You can make a game out of “Common Ground” for your chapter. It’s a very easy game,
but it has some important lessons for us all. Simply ask a question to the group. It can be as
simple as: what do you like to do after school? One student may say basketball and another may
say video games. The basketball player may like to run and jump while the gamer may like to sit
and relax. It’s totally different, right? Think again. Now it’s time to find the common ground!
Challenge the basketball play and the gamer to find as many shared traits as they can
between their two seemingly “different” activities. Most video games played these days are
played with groups. Perhaps team interaction is the part each enjoys about their afterschool
activity. Who knows, the gamer may even play a basketball game! I can even take an intuitive
leap and say that both the athlete and the gamer are fond of winning. You can up the challenge
by throwing other people’s activities into the mix. See if your chapter can find Common Ground
in three, ten, maybe even forty things that seem different. I bet you can!
It can be fun to isolate exactly why someone enjoys something. The gamer and the
basketball player may like their respective activities for the same reason, therefore achieving
common ground. By taking the time to find common ground, people will build connections and
respect and ultimately help all involved to become a good friend to others.
No two sets of character traits are exactly the same. There are seven billion people in the
world. This means that there are seven billion mixing and clashing sets of traits interacting with
one another every day with countless interactions occurring every second. Considering this, it
shouldn’t seem surprising that there are a handful of wars occurring in our world at any given
time. Adults start wars, young people fight wars and bombs end them. Common ground prevents
wars.
And common ground can help prevent tensions in your school and community.
Respect, manners and being a good friend are all important to developing good character.
The best thing about character is that you can work on it every day. Character is not made; it is
developed. It is a process which helps us interact and be happy and productive members of our
community.
Brian Gonya
SAVE Intern
Ripon College