Talking to Children About Their Birth Parents
Too many children trying to understand the unexplained moves and
relationships cut off in their lives conclude: “I am bad, I am unlovable
and/or I did something bad.” If we do not give children honest answers
about their first parents that they can relate to and/or understand, they will
turn to their fantasies to find the answers or blame themselves.
Understanding one’s personal history is critical to developing a healthy
sense of identity.
Validate, don’t contradict, children’s feelings about their birth parents. “I
hate my birth mom” should be answered with “I bet you do,” not “They had
so many problems of their own, they just couldn’t take care of you.”
Start explaining the birth parent’s problems to a child in their preschool
years. Create a basic story to which details can be added as the child’s
cognitive abilities develop. Don’t stay things that have to be contradicted
later.
Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child 1, by Betsy Keefer and
Jayne Schooler, (Bergin & Garvey publisher) provide some examples;
Preschool years: Your first mommy took some medicine that wasn’t
good for her. She did not get this medicine from the doctor, and it
wasn’t good for her. She took the medicine because she
though it would help her feel good, but she was
wrong. When she took the medicine, she didn’t feel
good, and she couldn’t take care of you. You need
a forever family that can keep you safe. That’s why
you are with [family name.]
Early elementary years: Your first mommy made some bad
choices before you were even born [or when you were very little].
She listened to a bad person who said she would be happier if she
took drugs. This bad person, called a dealer, wanted to
make money by selling drugs to people. Once people get
started taking drugs, it is very hard for them to stop. They
feel really bad whenever they try to stop. When your birth
mom tried the drugs, she did feel better for a little while and
thought the bad person, the dealer, was right! But the
dealer did not tell her how bad she would feel when she
stopped taking the drugs. An the dealer did not tell her she would
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Pages 107-108)
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not be able to take care of you, or any children, when she was
using drugs because she would be too sleepy. Pretty soon, she
was taking drugs every day because she felt sick when she didn’t.
She wanted the drugs so badly to stop feeling sick, sometimes she
would even use money for groceries or rent to buy them. You need
to be with a family that can always make sure you have a safe
place and good food to eat. That’s why you will always be with
[family name.]
Middle school years and beyond: Your birth mom got hooked on
drugs because she listened to the wrong people and made some
bad choices. What do you remember about that time? How do you
feel about it now? What questions do you still have? Additional
points to reinforce include:
• You did not cause your parent’s drug problem.
• Your parent treated you as she did because the drugs
controlled her.
• Just because mom did not always teat you as a child
should be treated doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love
you.
• Your parent did not have control over her life and
couldn’t give you a safe, happy, and secure place to be.
• You need to grow up in a home where you can be safe from
harm.
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Exercise
1. Abandonment
•
Preschool
2. Prostitution
•
Early elementary
3. Physical Abuse
•
Late elementary
4. Sexual Abuse
•
Middle School
5. Mental Illness
•
High School
6. Substance abuse
7. Crime
1. Abandonment
Little is known about Josh’s story. His adoptive parents have very little
information about Josh, his birth family, or any other background. They do
not even have his exact birth date. Josh was found on a warm summer
morning on the steps leading to the library. He looked just a few days old.
A note was taped to his blanket. “I am young and alone. I cannot care for
him.”
2. Prostitution
“Chaos, confusion, neglect, abuse are words that depict the early years of
Chris and Kimberly. The children’s birth mother, a single mom, was
trapped by a life-threatening problem—drug abuse. A heroin and crack
addict, their mother, Sharon, focused only on one thing—getting enough
money for the next hit. Care of her toddlers fell to a distant second. On
many occasions, various men paraded in and out of their small, cramped
apartment because the only sources of income that could support
Sharon’s habit was prostitution. Often the children were left alone when
Sharon went out seeking customers. Other times, the children would be
locked in the bathroom when their mother was “working.” Neighbors, tiring
of Sharon’s lifestyle, reported the situation to the policy and the local child
services agency. The children were removed and placed in foster care.
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Because their mother failed to complete plans for their return, they were
adopted by their permanency planning family.”
3. Physical abuse
Kenneth came to the attention of child protective services workers after he
entered Head Start at the age of three. With just one look at him, one could tell
that he was an angry child. Even at three he struck out frequently at
playmates—slapping kicking, and biting them. His behavior mystified his
teachers. They know his mother. She was a very quiet woman who rarely said
very much when she came to get him each day. He always seemed happy to
see her.
On a rainy fall day, Kenneth was soaking wet when he arrived at school. The
teacher always had extra clothes in the classroom. As she was helping this
youngster change his clothes she was horrified by what she saw. Kenneth’s
back and legs were covered with varying shades of black and green bruises.
She could tell that some of the injuries were older. One seemed as recent as a
day or two. She simply asked Kenneth who did this to him, and this rely was,
“Daddy and Mommy.” That simple question and response changed Kenneth’s
life forever. CPS became involved and Kenneth was placed in protective
custody. Reunification was terminated at 12 months and Kenneth is being
adopted by his permanency planning family.
4. Sexual Abuse
Dusty was three years old when her stepfather entered her life. Within a year
after he came, life changed dramatically for her. John, her stepfather, began
“grooming” Dusty for sexual activity. It started when she was four with fondling
her genitals. By the time Dusty was in second grade, he would come into her
bedroom late at night and force himself upon her. One afternoon when Dusty
was in third grade, a teacher overheard her tell a friend at recess about the
things her daddy made her do. Within hours, her life dramatically changed
again—forever. The teacher notified CPS. Her birth mother denied all of Dusty’s
allegations and essentially chose her husband over her daughter. Dusty entered
foster care and was adopted.
5. Mental Illness
Roy was only three years old when he entered foster care, but already had more
life experiences than many adults. Although Roy’s mother loved him, she
suffered with severe depression. She was totally detached from Roy’s needs.
Filthy and hungry, he often roamed around the apartment complex. Eventually
neighbors reported the severe neglect, and Roy was removed. Since he could
not safely reunite with his mother, his foster parents adopted him.
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7. Crime
Kristy’s life was never quiet. Home life was chaotic, loud, and unpredictable.
There were always a lot of people – mean people – who came at all hours of the
day and night. Her parents had a home business that provided money for the
family. It wasn’t a legal business, but a dangerous one. Her parents would steal
cars, repaint them to sell on the black market, or tear them down and sell the
parts. Late on a warm fall evening, Kristy’s life changed forever. An undercover
police officer came to their home to “buy” a car. After the transaction was
completed, he arrested both of their parents. At age four and a half, Kristy
entered foster care and was adopted.
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