10/1/2014
Principles of Style
Revising Your Writing
Words
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Chapter 5
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning
Revising Your Writing
Paragraphs
Write concisely.
Tone
2
Use a variety of
sentence types.
Use active and
passive voice
appropriately.
Use parallel
structure.
Paragraphs
Keep paragraphs
unified and
coherent.
Tone
Write confidently.
Use a courteous
Control
paragraph length. and sincere tone.
Use emphasis and
subordination.
Use positive
language and the
“you” attitude.
3
Use Accurate, Appropriate Words
Write Clearly
Sentences
Write clearly.
Sentences
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Words
What Is a Simpler Way to Say This?
BUT:
● Denotation—literal meanings;
Sentences
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Paragraphs
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Tone
5
BUT:
NOT: Deciding on an internship with a
particular conglomerate may be of
immense consequence to your
potential livelihood.
Words
What Is a More Specific Way to Say This?
Simple
live
begin
list
finish, complete
use
NOT: You never finish
work on time.
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Sentences
|
Paragraphs
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Tone
Move the expression closer to the word that it
modifies.
BUT:
Words
Sentences
Make the subject of the sentence the doer of
the action expressed in the introductory clause.
NOT: The report is
very sloppy.
7
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How to Avoid Dangling Expressions
BUT:
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Use Short, Simple Alternatives
Stuffy
reside
commence
enumerate
finalize
utilize
+
|
Paragraphs
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Tone
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/
nosy / curious
fearful / cautious
obstinate / firm
tax / user fee
»
»
»
»
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-
ALBERTO ZORNETTA/SHU TTERSTOCK .COM
Words
NOT: The impending study will
ascertain the feasibility of our
obtaining conciliation.
association; attitude
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
dictionary definitions
● Connotation—emotional
• Be accurate and complete
• Use familiar words
• Use specific, concrete language
• Avoid dangling expressions
• Avoid clichés, slang, unnecessary
jargon
Make sure that the specific word to which a
pronoun refers is clear.
Otherwise revise the sentence for coherence.
Words
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Sentences
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1
10/1/2014
BUT:
I had been driving for
about 40 years when I
fell asleep at the wheel
and had an accident.
Two cars were
reported stolen by the
Groveton police
yesterday.
Dr. Ruth to talk about
sex with newspaper
editors.
Sentences
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Paragraphs
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Tone
10
NOT: Enclosed please find the
proposal for the schedule for the
training session.
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Paragraphs
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Tone
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
BUT:
NOT: Distracted by the music, a rabbit
ran in front of the car, and I hit it.
Words
|
Sentences
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Enclosed please find
As per your request
I acknowledge receipt
The undersigned
Paragraphs
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Tone
Paragraphs
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Tone
Sentences
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Tone
12
• Paradigm shift
• Best practices
• At the end of the day
Words
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Sentences
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Paragraphs
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Tone
15
Omit Words that Say Nothing
• . . . period of three months
• . . . at the present time
● Replace wordy phrases
NOT: Each and every one of us is
exactly the same.
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Paragraphs
● Cut words if idea is clear without them
BUT:
Words
|
• By COB tomorrow
|
Paragraphs
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Tone
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
|
Sentences
• Low-hanging fruit
Here is
As you asked
of (begin reply)
Me
NOT: The end result will be that
we are completely unanimous.
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Avoid hidden
verbs and
subjects
|
• Synergies
How Can You Eliminate the Redundancies?
Avoid
redundancy
and wordy
expressions
Sentences
Words
• Win-win situation
BUT:
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Although the owners and partners have
changed, they continue to expand.
What Do These Slang Expressions Mean?
14
Write Concisely
Words
•
fashioned wording, overused tired
expressions
Example
Alternative
NOT: It is with great enthusiasm that I am
responding to your job advertisement.
Sentences
Bananas seem to have the highest
turnover. But the staff is not able to keep
up. Most of the time, they run out.
● Businessese—needless, old-
BUT:
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BUT:
Omit Business Jargon & Clichés
What Is More Natural, Original Language?
Words
•
NOT: After an hour of sitting,
the chairs become
uncomfortable.
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Abraham Lincoln wrote
the Gettysburg Address
while traveling to
Gettysburg on the
back of an envelope.
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How Can You Clarify These Pronoun References?
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Words
How Can You Fix These Modifier Problems?
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Fun with Dangling Expressions
Not: Let me know as to whether or not we can
start drilling in view of the fact that the
problem has not been fixed at the present
time.
But: Let me know whether we can start drilling
since the problem has not yet been fixed.
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10/1/2014
Eliminate Wordiness
How Can You Eliminate Wordiness?
● Wordy—idea can
BUT:
NOT: Our benefits for employees
are at the top of the list for
companies in our competitive set.
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Paragraphs
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Tone
20
Use verbs: Avoid hidden verbs
Words
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Sentences
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Paragraphs
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Tone
Use Track Changes in Word
Thomas Jefferson once observed that “the
most valuable of all talents is that of never
using two words when one will do.”
= adjust
make an adjustment
= decide
make a decision
perform an examination = examine
take into consideration = consider
● Fully 1/3 of a first draft is lard; hence, it
can be cut out.
22
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
NOT: I have made a decision that
the product faces elimination.
Lard Factor
Replace this phrase with a verb
●
●
●
●
BUT:
● Fun fact:
• The Lord’s Prayer contains 66 words, the
Gettysburg Address contains 267 words, but
a recent government regulation on the sale
of cabbage contains 26,911 words.
23
Writing Effective Sentences
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Sentences
NOT: A reduction in the price
is essential.
• Omit words that
say nothing
• Combine
sentences to save
words
• Put the meaning
in subject and
verb
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
BUT:
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BUT:
be said in fewer
words
● Concise; a mark
of good writing
NOT: The tiles on the floor will
reflect the lighting on the ceiling.
Words
How Can You Reveal the Hidden Verbs?
Identify These Sentence Types
How Can You Make These Active Voice?
Complex
● Please remember to turn out the
lights when you leave. Compound
● Warren started working here in
April, and he has already
finished his first major proposal.
Simple
Use parallel structure.
Words
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Sentences
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25
remember any of the new
employees’ names or where
they work.
Complex
decided to move the deadline.
Words
|
Sentences
PASSIVE: Too many lobsters have
been ordered by the chef.
Compound:
Complex:
● After you left on Friday, we
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ACTIVE:
One independent clause
Two or more independent
clauses
● I don’t know why he doesn’t
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Use active and passive voice
appropriately.
Past Tense
Simple:
One independent clause
and one or more dependent
clauses
Paragraphs
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Tone
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Use a variety of sentence types.
Future Tense
ACTIVE:
PASSIVE: Our quarterly sales numbers
will be confirmed by the auditors.
Words
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Sentences
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Tone
3
10/1/2014
Passive vs. Active Voice
● P: The program will be implemented
We used the following food criteria for our
restaurant evaluation: taste, variety, and
how it was presented.
by the agencies.
A: The agencies will implement the
program.
● P: These benefits are received by
you.
A: You receive these benefits.
● P: A video was ordered.
A: The customer ordered a video.
• What is independent research?
• Costs of conducting independent
research
Words
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Sentences
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Tone
29
Sentences
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Paragraphs
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Tone
Stress the “you” attitude
Paragraphs
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Tone
34
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Use positive language
Sentences
independent research?
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Paragraphs
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Tone
30
• Tells if next sentence continues or starts
new idea
• Tells if next sentence is more or less
important than previous
• Examples: in addition, similarly,
for example, however, on
the other hand
33
● Strive for an overall tone that is confident if you
believe your
• Explanation is complete
• Request is reasonable
• Decision is based on logic
● Affects your reader
● Strive for:
Use appropriate emphasis and subordination
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Writing Confidently
• Writer’s attitude towards both the
reader and the subject of the message.
Use a courteous and sincere tone
Sentences
32
● What is tone?
Write confidently
|
Words
Tone
Conveying an Appropriate Tone
Words
• Tells what paragraph is about
• Forecasts paragraph’s structure
• Helps readers remember points
● Avoid: “I hope,” “I trust,” “If you agree,” etc.
● Do not provide the reader with an excuse.
• Confidence, courtesy, and sincerity
• Appropriate emphasis and
subordination
• The “you” attitude
35
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
|
independent research?
• What is the process for conducting
After
between ideas to the reader
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Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Words
independent research?
• What are the benefits of conducting
● Transition—signals the connections
good writing
● Topic sentence—states main idea
Paragraph
Length
• What are the costs of conducting
Use Transitions to Link Ideas
● Unity—discusses one idea; a mark of
Paragraph
Coherence
• What is independent research?
• Process
Begin Most Paragraphs with Topic Sentence
Developing Logical Paragraphs
Agenda
has benefits
Gwen will do the following:
• Meet with Mark
• After her meeting, give a presentation
• She will follow up with Accounting
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28
Paragraph
Unity
Before
Agenda
• Conducting independent research
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Parallel Structure
How Can You Improve Parallel Structure?
• I know you are a busy person
• Let us know if you experience problems
● Better:
• Your lawn mower should give you many years of
trouble-free service.
36
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10/1/2014
Not: I trust this schedule change will
satisfy your needs.
But: This schedule change will enable
you to remain at home each
morning until your child leaves for
school.
NOT: If you would like to set up
an appointment, just ask.
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
NOT: I know that you’ll like our new
delivery schedule.
Words
|
Sentences
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Paragraphs
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Tone
Use a courteous and sincere tone.
●
Exaggeration
Not: Our No. 1 concern is to protect
the environment when we build
our addition at Morse Lake.
But: We have taken three specific
steps to protect the environment
when we build our addition at
Morse Lake.
40
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Positive language
Expressions of surprise
demonstrate insincerity.
Not: I can’t believe you expect me to
accept this offer.
But: This offer would be more
attractive if it included a six-month
trial period.
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39
● Create a positive image
● Stress what IS true and what CAN
be done.
42
Stress the “you” attitude.
Not: I liked your presentation at
yesterday’s board meeting.
But: Your presentation at yesterday’s
board meeting was just great!
received this message.?
● Most readers want to know WIFM
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
• Lecturing, exaggerating, platitudes,
obvious flattery, condescending.
• Mistake, damage, refuse, deny
● Ask yourself, “How would I react if I
43
●
Builds goodwill
Increases the chances your message will
achieve its objective
Avoid:
● Stress advantages
● Tell reader what you can do
● Avoid negative sounding words
Stress the “you” attitude
Not: We cannot replace your laser
printer.
But: We will be happy to repair your
laser printer at no charge.
●
●
Positive Language
● Emphasize the receiver benefits
● What do they want/need to know
• Show how someone, other than you, will
benefit.
44
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
BUT:
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Use a courteous and sincere tone.
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Not: You should read the instruction booklet
to learn how to photocopy on both
sides.
But: As noted on page 4 of the instruction
booklet, photocopying on both sides
requires two steps.
BUT:
37
●
Use a courteous and sincere tone.
How Can These Sound More/Less Confident?
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Write confidently.
Not: I mailed the check on Tuesday.
But: ?????
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5
10/1/2014
Stress the “you” attitude.
Revise for a “You” Attitude and Positive Language
er.
46
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.
Not: We are opening the new fitness
center on May 1.
But: You may begin working out in the
new fitness center on May 1.
Words
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Sentences
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Paragraphs
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Tone
47
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