Communication That Builds Influence
In this session, we are going to discuss two very key topics in
influence building. The first is communicating to build influence
and the second is building community to build massive influence.
We will here exclude online communication because we will
explore that hot topic in another session in this program.
Your communication is essential to your success. Your
communication skills either increase or decrease your influence. A
while back, I won a British Airways essay contest for business
owners. The prize was a flight to London for a one-day business
conference followed by a reception and a dinner banquet, plus
two tickets to anywhere in the world British airways flew. I was
so excited to be at this conference with a room of 300
businesspeople from all sectors and at all stages in their
businesses. When it was time for the banquet, I went down to
dinner and was the last to sit at a table of businesswomen who
had already taken their seats. I asked if the seat was taken and
said hello. No one responded. The person continued to converse
and others at the table continued in the conversation. No one
acknowledged my presence or even gave me an opening to
introduce myself. When my entrée arrived, I ate a few bites and
then excused myself. These women were all young entrepreneurs
in the first two years of their business. As I departed, I felt sorry
for them, that no one had the social skills or even the kindness
skills to welcome someone to the table, to facilitate introductions
or, at the very least, to make an effort to include a new person in
the conversation. Everyone at the table that evening missed an
opportunity to build influence with someone who could have been
a great client for them. Don’t ever let that be you.
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Copyright 2014
Caterina Rando, MA, MCC
[email protected]
www.CaterinaRando.com
Remember and Use People's Names to Build Influence
I used to be in the café business. Sometimes a customer would
come in who hadn’t entered my café for more than two years.
When I would greet that person by name, he or she would
certainly take notice, feel acknowledged, and feel good about me
and his or her experience with my business. In today's world, we
so often feel like a face in the crowd. To stand out and be
noticed, to have people notice you and remember you, all you
have to do is notice and remember them. You do that by
remembering their name. Remembering people’s names gives
you an advantage.
There are two hotels in town where I find myself a lot for
different speaking engagements. I make an effort to learn—and
use—the names of all the hotel staff. Many times, this has helped
me get special favors for no other reason than because I am liked
and remembered, because I make the effort to remember names.
Remembering names gives you power.
Whenever I speak to a group, I always get there early to set up
and have plenty of time to talk with people as they arrive. As
people enter the room, I greet them individually, learn their
names and, if they seem willing, chat with them a bit. Before the
presentation, I use any available moments to mentally run
through the names and faces of everyone in the room.
During my presentation, when people ask questions or when I am
using examples, I address everyone by name. This is a sure-fire
way to create relationships with the people in the room. They like
me a little more, they trust me a little more, and they know that I
think they are important.
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Copyright 2014
Caterina Rando, MA, MCC
[email protected]
www.CaterinaRando.com
That is what you want to occur when you meet people. People
remember you if you remember them. More importantly, not only
do they remember you, they remember you fondly.
Do not tell yourself you are not good at names. That is a limiting
belief you may have been telling yourself for a long time. It is
time to let that go because it is not serving you. Learning names
is a simple skill you can easily develop. To remember names, use
the following simple steps:
How to Remember Names with Ease
1. When you are about to meet someone, remind yourself to
listen and relax. Tell yourself you are going to remember the
name of this person and all the new people you meet.
Frequently, we do not remember people’s names because we did
not hear it in the first place. When introducing yourself, relax and
focus on the other person and what he or she is saying.
2. Repeat the name right back to him or her by saying, “It is nice
to meet you,
.” Make sure you pronounce the name correctly.
If you are not sure how to spell it, ask—this will help you
remember it.
3. Use a name in conversation in the first two minutes.
4. When you end your conversation with someone, use his or her
name again: “It was a pleasure to meet you, ____,” or “I look
forward to seeing you next time,
.”
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Caterina Rando, MA, MCC
[email protected]
www.CaterinaRando.com
5. Later, when you have a few moments, scan the room and
repeat to yourself the names of everyone you met.
6. On the way home, mentally run through all your new
acquaintances and their names.
7. When it seems right, ask for a business card to connect the
face with the name on the card. Later, (not in front of the person)
write down where you met the person and anything you
remember about him or her. Then, when you look at the card
again in the next few days, you will remember who the person is.
As you begin to make an effort to notice and remember people,
they will remember and notice you. You will become well-known
in the circles you move in. You will feel more confident as you
increase your business savvy and overall success. The extra effort
to notice and remember others always brings positive results.
People who remember names are seen as confident, competent
and compassionate.
Converse Consciously
Once you have introduced yourself and learned someone’s name,
the next communication skill to employ to build influence is
conscious conversing. To have a successful conversation, start
with a neutral topic to give the person an opportunity to warm up
to you while you begin to create rapport. Or, you can start with
an acknowledgement. Then begin to ask open-ended questions so
you don’t get yes or no answers, which quickly kill a
conversation. For example, if you say, “Is this your first time
here?” you will get a yes or no answer. If you say, “What did you
think about what the speaker had to say about our social media?”
you will get more than a one-word response.
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Copyright 2014
Caterina Rando, MA, MCC
[email protected]
www.CaterinaRando.com
Before getting into conversations in person or over the phone,
think of some open-ended questions you can ask. Recently,
someone I had not spoken to in a while came up to me at a party
and asked me what was “the most exciting thing” going on in my
life. That felt great! Ask questions that let people talk about
themselves and let them know you are genuinely interested in
them.
Also, ask people about things they care about. Listen attentively;
one of the ways we convey that we are listening is through eye
contact. Larry King wrote in his book How to Talk to Anybody
Anytime Anywhere, “I never learn a thing while I am talking.” Pay
attention to the context of what someone says to you. If someone
tells you with excitement about a new job, convey excitement. If
the person is concerned about something, show empathy. Match
the person’s mood. This is a super communication tip that makes
people feel that you are listening and sincerely understand what
they are conveying.
Also, people hate to be interrupted. Interrupting people does not
create rapport. Let people say what they want to say without
interrupting them. What’s the hurry? This is an important skill to
learn.
When you want to end a conversation, do so. One technique is to
stick out your hand and say, “It was very nice to meet you. I’m
sure we’ll speak again,” and walk away. This takes practice.
Remember that eloquence in concluding a conversation is a skill
every bit as important as how to begin a conversation.
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Copyright 2014
Caterina Rando, MA, MCC
[email protected]
www.CaterinaRando.com
What one tip have you learned so far that you will be sure to
incorporate in your conversations?
Acknowledgment Costs Nothing and Is Priceless in
Business
It is worth noting that many high-achieving people like you are
often more task-oriented than relationship-oriented. If that
sounds like you, then you tend to focus so much on completing
tasks that you sometimes fail to acknowledge those involved in
completing those tasks. Acknowledgement is a key influence skill.
Even if you’re already good at it, it serves you to get a lot better.
Because the more masterful you are at acknowledgment, the
more influence you will build.
At my last Breakthrough Luxury Retreat for Women
Entrepreneurs, I facilitated an exercise called Say It to My Face.
The idea was that there are good, sometimes great things people
say about us when we are not around and not able to hear them.
I wanted everyone to hear the great things others thought about
them. In this exercise, I had each woman take a blank name tag
and write on it something she would like to hear about herself.
For example, You are brilliant, you inspire me, or you are an
amazing speaker. Each woman placed the name tag on her shirt
where everyone could see. I then had the ladies go around and
tell each other what they wanted to hear.
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Caterina Rando, MA, MCC
[email protected]
www.CaterinaRando.com
We did this each morning of the retreat when they arrived in the
room, again when we came back from the morning break, at
lunch, and finally at the conclusion of the day before they left the
room. Watching this exercise in progress was amazing.
Everyone’s face was so bright as they shared what the other
women wanted to hear and heard what they wanted to hear for
themselves.
I was concerned that after a day or two of this activity that some
of the ladies would complain, “Caterina enough with the
acknowledgement,” or “Do we have to do that exercise again?”
Yet, I did not hear one complaint or one grumble. I did not see
one gesture of reluctance. Instead, every time I said, “Okay it’s
time for Say It To My Face,” I saw the ladies jump out of their
seats with huge smiles. They eagerly rushed toward another lady
to read what she had written on her nametag and share what she
wanted to hear. After four days of this, I learned a valuable
lesson that I want to make sure you embrace. None of us will
ever have too much acknowledgement. We can all use more. In
fact, acknowledgment is missing from many relationships. Know
that acknowledging others makes them feel seen and understood.
It makes them feel that you “get” them, care about and
appreciate them. This creates more closeness and yes, influence.
I want to make sure you don’t confuse a compliment with
an acknowledgment. Compliments are usually about someone’s
looks or what a person is wearing, like, “What a gorgeous dress,”
“That green sweater really brings out your beautiful eyes,” or “I
love your cute haircut.” These are all compliments.
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Copyright 2014
Caterina Rando, MA, MCC
[email protected]
www.CaterinaRando.com
An acknowledgment is different and there are three different
kinds of acknowledgement. A doing acknowledgement focuses on
something someone has done. A being acknowledgement focuses
on who someone is. The third kind is a combo acknowledgement,
which calls attention to both what people have done and who
they are.
Let’s look at each of these. A doing acknowledgement sounds
like, “Thank you for helping me get ready for the meeting,” or “I
so appreciate you taking the time to talk with me today,” or “It
means a lot to me that you are always the first to volunteer.”
Doing acknowledgements are fine and valuable. At a minimum,
deliver those.
What is better, more impactful, more influence building is a being
acknowledgement. These have people feel seen and appreciated.
“Sheila, you are always so positive. I so appreciate that about
you,” “You’re so kind. I always feel happy when I’m around you.”
Being acknowledgements are about who someone is regardless of
what he or she does or does not do.
To have more significant impact and build influence, you could do
a combination of doing and being. For example, a doing-only
acknowledgement would be, “Thank you so much for inviting your
friends to my speech.” You could upgrade that with a combo
acknowledgment and say, “I so appreciate you taking the time to
invite your friends to my speech. I feel so supported by you.” Or
instead of saying, “Thank you, I appreciate your generous
contribution to my daughter’s school fundraising drive,” you could
upgrade that with a combo and say “Thank you, for your
generous contribution to my daughter’s fundraising drive."
Whenever I let you know about any opportunity to help others,
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Caterina Rando, MA, MCC
[email protected]
www.CaterinaRando.com
you’re always first in line with an open heart, eager to contribute.
You’re really a good friend and it feels great to know that I can
truly rely on you for all the big and little things in life. I want you
to know that I’m truly grateful for our friendship.” Which do you
think feels better to the person hearing the words? The doing, the
being or the combination?
When acknowledging people, be specific. Do not simply tell
them they did a good job or that they’re a valuable member of
the committee. Tell them why. Here are a few acknowledgments
to add to your repertoire:
 “You have so much great experience. I really value your
opinion.”
 “I can always count on you. Thank you for always being there
for me.”
 “Great job on your presentation. You really captivated the
audience’s attention and got them thinking about what you
said.”
Start right now to focus on increasing your acknowledgments in
all your relationships, personal and in your business. Getting
good at acknowledgment is a skill you can master. It will take
some time, like writing or running a webinar. Soon, though, you’ll
find yourself acknowledging people naturally, with ease. This will
bring you more closeness, camaraderie, fulfillment and influence
in all your relationships. Go acknowledge someone right now.
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Copyright 2014
Caterina Rando, MA, MCC
[email protected]
www.CaterinaRando.com
Who do you want to up your acknowledgement with right away?
Ask for What You Want Every Time
We often hesitate to ask for what we want. Perhaps this is left
over from childhood, when many of us received the message that
“children should be seen and not heard.”
The best part of having influence is being able to use your
influence to gain what you want. Do not wait for someone to
make you an offer you cannot refuse. Ask for what you want
every time. It benefits you to make requests of others. Why
bother waiting for someone to figure out what you want? If you
have done a good job at building influence, chances are good that
your request will be accommodated, but first you have to make
it: ask for what you want.
Frequently, we assume we will not get what we want, so we don’t
even ask. This is limited thinking—a projection of a negative
outcome. It is understandable that we do this, because we tend
to take “no” as a rejection. We take things personally. No one
likes to be rejected.
When I first started coaching women to thrive in business, I had
a very savvy, articulate mediator in one of my seminars. I liked
her immediately. She told me she wanted to continue to grow her
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Caterina Rando, MA, MCC
[email protected]
www.CaterinaRando.com
business. She was exactly the kind of client I was looking for—
proactive with a positive disposition. A woman who knew what
she wanted. I wanted to be her business coach. Still, every time I
tried to pick up the phone, my self-doubt would pop up. Selfdoubt can be very persuasive. However, it does not serve us. I
forged ahead and left two voicemail messages. I kept trying to
make contact with her, hanging up before the machine came on,
until I finally got her on the phone.
While I wasn’t as eloquent in my communication as I could have
been, I did ask for the business and she became a client. Asking
for what I wanted even though it was uncomfortable—even
though I risked rejection—made a huge difference for both of us.
Now, it seems silly that I had so much difficulty. That’s how it will
be for you, too, after you become willing to feel uncomfortable
and begin to ask for what you want every time. Asking for what
you want is another skill for you to develop. The more you do it,
the easier it will get and pretty soon you’ll be great at it.
If you don’t ask, the answer is already no. Ask, and the answer
might be yes. To add more ease and more effectiveness when
you make requests, use the following formula to get what you
want more often.
Formula for Making Successfully Making Requests
1. Find the right time and space
Make important requests when the person you are speaking with
has time to discuss the request. Find a private space where you
won’t encounter distractions or interruptions. When someone is
getting on the elevator, running to an appointment, making
dinner, or even watching TV, he or she cannot give you the
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Caterina Rando, MA, MCC
[email protected]
www.CaterinaRando.com
attention you need to make an effective request. When people
are distracted by something else, they will only get frustrated and
feel bombarded when you try to speak with them. Step into an
empty office or ask if you can sit down at a table to talk.
2. Ask for the opportunity
Before you make a request, always ask the people you want to
speak with if they have a minute (or whatever amount of time
you think you need) to talk. You’re asking for their attention. If
you don’t ask, you will find that you’ll get less—if any—of their
attention for very long. Say things like, "Can I speak with you for
a minute?" or "Do you have a minute to talk with me?" or "Can I
have a few minutes? There is something I would like to discuss
with you." If you don’t ask, you do not have authorization to take
up their time with your request. This is also important to
remember when you’re speaking on the phone. If you do not ask
people if they have time to talk, you are less likely to get their full
attention.
3. Acknowledge the individual
Before you make your request, acknowledge the person you’re
speaking with. Let people know you appreciate something they
have done in the past, or mention something positive and specific
that you have noticed about their character. For example, you
might say, “I can see that you’re really passionate about your
work,” or “I appreciate your generosity in helping me check in
people at the meeting last week.” As we have discussed,
acknowledging people creates more rapport and strengthens your
relationships.
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Caterina Rando, MA, MCC
[email protected]
www.CaterinaRando.com
4. Take personal responsibility for the request
Take responsibility for whatever it is you need or want. Instead of
saying, “You should come to this event,” say, “I would really
appreciate it if you would attend my event.” Recognize that
everyone has other priorities besides simply filling your needs. It
is your job to make sure you get what you want—no one else’s.
5. Make a specific request
By making your request specific, you allow the person to gain a
clear picture of exactly what you need. If people have clarity on
what you want, they are more likely to say “yes.” When you are
vague about what you want, people will not agree because they
aren’t completely sure what is involved. Instead of saying, “Can
you help me clean up after my party this weekend?” say “Can you
stay an extra 15 or 20 minutes after my party this weekend to
get my kitchen back in order?" The clearer you are, the better—
always.
6. Discuss without blaming or shaming
Our conversations often go awry because our words make people
feel defensive, angry or even ashamed. For example, when you
tell people they should do something for you because you did
something for them. Being manipulative or bullying only makes
matters worse. Not only will you not get what you want, you will
create resentment and debilitate your relationship at the same
time. Always have an intention of harmony and of making people
feel good with your request so they want to help you.
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Caterina Rando, MA, MCC
[email protected]
www.CaterinaRando.com
7. Get an agreement
Once you have finished discussing any particulars related to your
request, listen for the agreement. Things like “Maybe,” “I'll think
about it,” “we'll see,” or even, “sounds good" are not agreements.
The best agreement is an enthusiastic “yes.”
8. Thank the other person, and affirm the agreement
Once you have heard the agreement, always thank the person
and then restate the agreement to make sure you are both clear
on what has been agreed to. This is also important to avoid any
miscommunications down the road. To reaffirm the agreement,
say things like “That is great. Thank you, again, for facilitating
the meeting on Friday while I’m out of town,” or “Thanks Beth, I
really appreciate your support. To confirm, you will move the
delivery deadline up by four days so we can get back on
schedule.” Once you have gotten the confirmation and you have
thanked the other person, your request is complete. Without the
affirmation and the final “thank you,” you may find that a lot gets
forgotten or misunderstood.
Not asking for what you want and keeping your mouth shut is
beneficial only when riding a bicycle or standing under a porch
light in the summertime (to avoid flying bugs.)
Take a moment and think about a request you’d like to make of
someone that you have been putting off. Then, create a list and
start to make those requests.
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Caterina Rando, MA, MCC
[email protected]
www.CaterinaRando.com
What requests would you like to make?
Cultivate Community to Massively Build Your Influence
You have influence with people who know you, trust you, like you
and think highly of you and or your skills. With your influence,
you can connect your contacts, clients and potential clients to
each other and cultivate them all into a community—an incredible
community of like-minded people. This provides massive value to
everyone in the community. When you create and foster
connections and camaraderie through community, everyone will
be grateful to you for doing so and will stick around forever.
Belonging is a basic human need. Isolation kills dreams,
promotes depression and can make it difficult to stay positive and
keep hope alive. Community is the solution for many reasons.
Humans feel safe, comfortable and accepted when they are with
people similar to them. Often in life, we can’t find people like us.
For example, if you have cancer, have lost a loved one, or are
struggling with weight, you may feel alone. When you convene
with others in a similar situation, it feels good for many reasons,
including knowing you are not alone and having a place to ask
questions, gain support and share ideas.
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Caterina Rando, MA, MCC
[email protected]
www.CaterinaRando.com
It’s time to start your own large or small association or
community group. When you are the founder and leader of a
group, you receive “insta-influence.” If you want to be a part of a
group of professionals that learns about building wealth, start
one. If you want to get to know other people who are in the same
industry as you in your city, start a group. Start a mastermind
group, start a group of people that raises money for a charity
cause you care about. This is a great way to build your network,
your leadership skills and, of course, your influence.
The value of community is priceless. A community can inspire
you, support you and make you feel like the luckiest person on
the planet. The value of any group exponentially multiplies when
the people in it have a strong sense of belonging to a community
of people like them. In a community, the members cultivate
friendships, share resources, become each other's clients and
referral partners, and quickly start to support each other in a
variety of ways. This quantifiably increases the amount of value
they receive from knowing you. This builds massive influence.
Consciously cultivate your community to make it even more
powerful. The value to those in your community will be
significant. Here are some ideas to get you started to effectively
build influence and cultivate relationships and camaraderie by
building a community:
Pick a Purpose for Your Community
Communities are formed around all kinds of things. It could be to
create friendships, to grow businesses, to help everyone become
healthier, to eliminate clutter or to improve relationships. These
are just a few ideas.
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Caterina Rando, MA, MCC
[email protected]
www.CaterinaRando.com
What might be the purpose of a group you might start?
Get Clear on Who Your Community is Intended to Serve
People want to gather with people like them. What kind of people
do you want in your community? This can be based on
demographics like gender or age and psychographics like
common interest, attitude or values. Included in this is the
commonality that binds the group together. It could be a shared
goal like getting healthier, a shared past experience like getting
divorced, or a shared interest like scrapbooking.
Who is your community intended to serve?
Give Your Community a Name
You may do a variety of things in your business and have a
variety of programs or offerings. Give your community a name
that can encompass all of the ways you serve. You can even
include the word community in the name to make it extra clear
what you are up to.
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Caterina Rando, MA, MCC
[email protected]
www.CaterinaRando.com
What might be a name for your community?
Select the Values You Want to Guide Your Community
The values by which you run your community should be the same
as the values by which you run your business. Write them down
and talk about them in your community so that everyone can
align with the values and demonstrate them when in the
community.
What are the values you want to guide your community?
Regular Gatherings
Communities can be formed online in virtual forums, however the
strongest communities have regular live-and-in-person
gatherings. These gatherings could be social, educational or
project oriented. Decide what the gatherings will be and how
often they will occur. You can have all different kinds of
gatherings within the same community.
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Caterina Rando, MA, MCC
[email protected]
www.CaterinaRando.com
There is nothing better then inviting people in your field and
potential clients to your own events. This could be an evening
workshop of a reception to celebrate the release of your new
book or even an anniversary reception or open house. Any reason
to invite people to be with you at an event you are hosting is a
great idea because in most cases you have more influence with
people after you have met them in person. As everyone connects,
your community grows.
Just for Fun Events
Consider hosting some activities that have nothing to do with the
regular purpose of the group. This helps community members
bond with each other. Do you think your community members
would be willing to do something that might make them a little
uncomfortable, yet fun? It doesn’t have to be rock climbing or zip
lining, but maybe a helicopter ride, a karaoke sing-off or walking
a 5K for charity together would be a great way to have people get
to know each other. One of my clients, Samantha, who teaches
social media, loves to get the ladies together once a year to make
vision boards. This is always a great evening that everyone looks
forward to. At one of my speeches, a woman with a business told
me that she was going to get all the baseball moms together at
the start and end of the baseball season.
All the moms are there, but they do not connect as much as she
would like. This is a great way for this woman to create influence
in her community.
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Caterina Rando, MA, MCC
[email protected]
www.CaterinaRando.com
What kind of regular gatherings or just-for-fun events would you
like to see in your community?
Community Service and Get Togethers with a Purpose
When your community members get together to do something for
the greater good, or to help the less fortunate this will bond your
them. Serve lunch at a soup kitchen, visit a hospital, make
cookies for the troops, all these types of activities strengthen
your community while helping others and making everyone feel
good.
What kind of community service activities would you like to see in
your community?
Add a Facebook Group
A Facebook group allows people to connect with each other, share
resources and ideas and inspire each other between gatherings.
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Caterina Rando, MA, MCC
[email protected]
www.CaterinaRando.com
This group also serves to give people information that you have
already sent via email and want to make sure they saw. Plus, this
group facilitates everyone talking to each other without you in the
middle.
Make All Group Members Feel Seen and Heard and Valued
We never want anyone in the community to feel invisible or like
they do not really belong. Be sure to welcome everyone
individually. Tell them you are so glad they have joined you. Be
sure everyone’s voice is heard. This supports and cultivates a
feeling of belonging, which is key.
What are your first steps to build/upgrade your community?
Do not wait. Start building your community today and watch your
business, your heart and those around you become vastly
enriched with your community.
Embracing the communication tips we have discussed and
building your own community will catapult your influence
building. The more influence you have, the more your business
will thrive. Take what we have discussed here and get started
now to become masterful at communicating and building
community. Being masterful in both these areas will bring you a
plethora of rewards.
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Copyright 2014
Caterina Rando, MA, MCC
[email protected]
www.CaterinaRando.com