aboutwillmaketheirwaytothecasketa
fewtimestolookatthebody.Seeingadead
bodycanbeveryhelpfultochildren.Children
arecuriousandmaywanttotouchthebodytoo.
Preparethembeforehandthatthebodywillfeel
coldandnotlookexactlythesame.Thisisanother
opportunitytoexplainthedifferencebetween
“alive”and“dead.”
Burials: Ifyoutakechildrentothecemetery,
explainthatthebodyisgoingtobeburiedthere.
Explaintoyourchildwhatwillhappentothe
casketandremindthemthatthelovedonecannot
feelanythinganymore.
Cremation:Adultsworrythatchildrenwill
behorrifiedtolearnthattheirlovedonewas
cremated.Ifyouconveyyourcomfortwithit,the
childrenwilllikelyfeelthesameway.“Cremation
isoneofthewayswemanageourlovedone’sbody
aftertheydie.Theirbodyisdead.Itdoesn’thurt
theminanyway.”Youcanexplainthatcremation
makesthebodybreakdownfasterthanifitwere
buried.
Going back to school:Friendsandteachers
mayalreadyknowwhathappenedandmight
notknowwhattosay.Childrenmaybeignored
orhavetoomuchattentiondrawntothem.
Childrendonotlikebeingdifferentandthismay
causeanxiety.Talkwithyourchildbeforegoing
backtoschool.Youcanevenpracticeanswersto
questionsyouthinkkidsandteachersmighthave.
Childrenwhohavehadaparentdiemayhavea
difficulttimegoingbacktoschool,becausethey
don’twanttoseparatefromthesurvivingparent.
Reassurethem.
Living life without the person who died:
Healingfromasignificantlossspansovera
lifetime.Thefirstyearafterthedeathseems
hardestonfamilies,andattendingpeergrief
supportgroupscanhelpwiththehealingprocess.
Ingriefsupportgroups,participantsaregiventhe
opportunitytoexpresstheirfeelings,acknowledge
theirloss,embracetheirmemories,andlearn
copingstrategies.
Children’s Grief Center of New Mexico
providesasafeandsupportiveenvironment
foryoungpeople(ages5—25)andtheir
caregiverswhohaveexperiencedthedeath
ofsomeonesignificantintheirlives.During
theschoolyear,supportgroupsinthe
NorthValleymeetalternatingTuesdays
orWednesdays,andRioRanchosupport
groupsmeetalternatingThursdays.
Weprovideamealpriortogroups.Services
areprovidedatnocharge.Donations
gratefullyaccepted.
Togetstarted,familiesjustneedtocall
theChildren’sGriefCenter.Afterabrief
phoneintake,familieswillbeinvitedtothe
nextorientation.Additionalresourcesare
availableinourLosingLibraryandonour
website.
Children’s Grief Center
of New Mexico
Helping
Children
When a
Loved One
is Dying
Our Guiding Principles
• Griefisanaturalreactiontodeath
forchildrenaswellasforadults.
• Individualshavethenatural
capacitytohealthemselves.
• Griefisauniqueandindividual
experience.
• Caringandacceptancehelpthe
healingprocess
(505) 323-0478
[email protected]
www.childrensgrief.org
Sponsored by
Children’s Grief Center of New Mexico
3001TrellisDr.NW
Albuquerque,NM87107
Phone:(505)323-0478
[email protected]
www.childrensgrief.org
Ifsomeoneinyourlifehasaterminal
illness,youandyourfamilymembersare
probablyexperiencinggriefsymptoms.
Theseresponsestoanupcominglossare
oftencalledanticipatorygrief.Griefisthe
naturalreactionwehavetoloss.Griefaffects
allareasofone’slife:physical,emotional,
mental,social,spiritualandbehavioral.
Grievingandhealinglooksverydifferentfor
everyoneandhasadifferentduration.
Preparing a child for a death
Childrenhavethecapacitytodealwiththe
sadtruthofdeathandhandleitintheirown
way.Deathcanbeoneofthehardestsubjects
totalkaboutwithkids,probablybecause
mostadultsarenotcomfortablewithdeath
orarestrugglingwiththeirownsorrow.
Mostchildrenbecomeawareofdeathearly
on.Theyhearaboutitinfairytales,seeitin
movies,orexperienceitwiththelossofapet.
Evenifyouhavenottoldyourchildrenthat
alovedoneisdying,theyprobablyknow
somethingishappeningaroundthem,even
ifnoonesaysitoutloud.Bodylanguage,
worriedlooks,husheddiscussions,telephone
calls,relativesshowingup,andthegeneral
sadnessandtensionintheadultsaround
kids,givethemcluesthatwhateveris
happeningisserious.
Don’t hold back important
information:Itisimportanttoletchildren
knowthatalovedoneisseriouslyillandmay
die.Ifthepersondiesandtheyarenottold,
theyareleftunprepared.Becauseyounger
childrenareegocentric,itisimportantto
reassurethemthatnothingtheydidorsaid
causedthedeath.
Children need honest and correct
information given to them in a
language they can understand:For
example,“Daddyisinthehospitalbecausehe
issickwithcancer.Itisnobody’sfault.Itisa
differentkindofsickthanacoldorflu.You
cannotgetitfromhim.Youcanstillhugand
kisshim.”Askchildrentorepeatbackwhatyou
saidsoyoucanbesurethattheyunderstand.
Invitechildrentoaskquestionsaboutwordsor
thingsthattheydonotunderstand.Knowing
thattheywillbekeptinformedaboutthingsthat
arehappeningwilllessentheiranxiety.
Children still need consistent guidance
and boundary-setting:Childrenstillneed
parentstosetlimits.Whenparentsarein
shockandgrievingthemselves,settinglimits
canbehard.“Oh...letitgo;hermomisdying.”
Maintainingboundaries,keepingroutinesin
placeandkeepinghouseholdrulesintact,help
kidstofeelsafe.Withoutthelimits,children
feellikethingsareoutofcontrolwhichmakes
themveryinsecure.Trytokeepthescheduleas
normalaspossible.
Visiting the seriously ill:Visitingsomeone
whoisverysickcanbetraumatic,ifchildrenare
notpreviouslyprepared.Firstofall,askchildren
iftheywouldliketogo.Iftheanswerisno,ask
why.Oncethematterisdiscussedchildrenwill
usuallyopttogoalong.Letchildrenknowin
advancewhatthepersonwilllooklike,whatthe
machinesintheroomarefor,whattheroom
willsmelllikeandbelike.Letthemknowifit’s
oktotouchorhugtheperson.Youcansuggest
bringingagiftforthepersonorhavethemdraw
apictureorwritealetter.Thevisitshouldbe
relativelyshort.Tentotwentyminutesislong
enoughforachildofanyage.Setatimefor
debriefingafterthevisit.Themostimportant
reasonforlettingachildvisitisgivingthema
chancetosaygood-bye.
Telling your child that someone has
died: Becauseparentslovetheirkids,itis
naturaltowanttoprotectthemfromthepain
ofloss.However,wealldobetterwhenwe
aretrustedwiththetruthandcanbeginto
understandwhatishappening.Whatchildren
dreamuporimaginecanbefarworsethan
thereality.Simplicityandhonestyarebest.
Giveconcrete,clearexplanations.Refrain
from“passedaway”or“gonetoheaven.”Itis
importantthatchildrenunderstandthatdeath
ispermanent,thatapersonwhohasdiedno
longercanfeel,orthink,andthattheywon’t
beabletocomeback.“Daddy’scancergot
soseriousthathisbodywasnotabletoheal.
Hishearthasstoppedbeating,hehasstopped
breathing.Hehasdied.”Answeronlydirect
questions.Donotgivemoreinformationthan
isaskedfor.Childrenwillcomebackwith
morequestionsaftertheyhaveprocessed
whatyouhavealreadysaid.Itisimportant
thatchildrenarereminded–thisdeathwas
noone’sfault.Aftertheyunderstandthe
permanenceofdeath,thenyoucanintroduce
yourfamily’sbeliefsabouttheafterlife.
Is it okay to take children to funerals?
Parentsoftenworrythatafuneralcanbe
tootraumaticforchildren.Funeralsarean
opportunitytoconnectwithfamilyandfriends
andoffersupportandsometimesitistheonly
timeallareopenlycryingandshowingtheir
sadness.Achildshouldbeallowedtohavethe
chanceforsupportthatafuneralcanoffer.
First,explaintochildrenaboutthefuneral,
whatwillhappenandwhattoexpect.Thenask
childreniftheywanttogo.Ifno,askifthey
knowwhytheydonotwanttogo.Ifchildren
understandexactlywhatwillhappen,they
usuallywanttogo.Funeralshelpusacceptthe
realityoftheloss,thefirsttaskofgrieving.If
possible,letkidsbepartofdecision-making.
CantheyselectasmallthingofGrandma’s
togointhecasketorselectpicturesfora
memorytable?
Viewings:Thereisamorerelaxedfeeling
duringaviewing.Friendsandfamilyvisitand
crytogether.Childrenlefttofreelymove