HOW TO USE
THIS BOOK
Whenever you see the outline of a presidential penis...
...Find the sticker that matches on the sticker sheets.
Each sticker is based on a president’s legacy, policies, hobbies, fashion
choices, nicknames, or, most cruelly, on their physical appearances.
(Sorry, Taft.) There’s an answer key in the back if you get stuck.
The historically and scientifically accurate
Dickometer™ boils a president’s dickishness
down to a number. It is based on the
author’s opinion and is therefore irrefutable.
DICKOMETER
7
GEORGE
WASHINGTON
1st President
I cannot tell a lie: George Washington
was an asshole.
In Office: 1789-1797
Party Affiliation: None
BIGGEST DICK MOVE: WHISKEY DICK
The US was in debt, and Alexander Hamilton suggested a tax on whiskey. The
tax would dick over Appalachian farmers who made the whiskey. Washington
went into the woods to see just how much the farmers would hate the idea.
When he arrived, Appalachian officials told him they would explain the tax to
the people for the president. Washington thought this was a good idea, because
he was an idiot. The farmers were, of course, furious. They raised a 7,000 man
rebellion. Not one to lose a dick-measuring contest, Washington raised a 13,000
man army to put down his own people.
NOTABLE DICK MOVE: DEVOURER OF DICKS
The Iroquois accurately nicknamed Washington Conotocarious, or
“Devourer of Villages.” Washington ordered the “total destruction and
devastation” of 40 Iroquois villages during the Revolution. Perhaps
Georgie could have stayed chill on the frontier by devouring his own dick
rather than devouring 40 villages.
DICKOMETER
7
1
ABRAHAM
LINCOLN
16th President
That snazzy beard? It hides a complete
lack of respect for the law.
In Office: 1861-1865
Party Affiliation: Republican
BIGGEST DICK MOVE:
HABEAS DICKUS
During the Civil War, Lincoln suspended the writ of habeas corpus, which
allowed the indefinite detention without trial of anyone perceived as being
disloyal to the United States. A dick move for sure, but maybe legal, because
the Constitution allows for the suspension of habeas corpus in instances of
rebellion. Except that when the Supreme Court, the branch of government
dedicated to deciding what is constitutional, decided Lincoln’s suspension was
in fact illegal, LINCOLN COMPLETELY IGNORED IT. And not a single fuck was
given for civil liberties on that day.
More than 13,000 civilians were arrested under martial law in the Union. The
incidents that would warrant arrest were minor. One Missourian was detained
for simply saying, “[I] wouldn’t wipe my ass with the stars and stripes.”
DICKOMETER
6
16
WILLIAM
HOWARD
TAFT
27th President
Rub-a-dub-fuck.
In Office: 1909-1913
Party Affiliation: Republican
ALLEGED BONER MOVE:
BATHTUB BONER
As you’ve probably heard, William Howard Taft weighed 340 pounds and
once got stuck in the White House bathtub. They had to cover him in butter to
slide him out. What an asshole.
But here’s what’s worse: The bathtub story might be a myth. This is horrible,
because we all want this to be true. In a history filled with ruthlessly power
hungry commanders, one of our presidents was so dopey and fat that he had
to butter his way out of a bathtub? It’s a breath of fresh air. As a country, we
need this story to be true.
DICKOMETER
1
27
BARACK
OBAMA
44th President
Proof that dicks aren’t always
old white guys.
In Office: 2009-2017
Party Affiliation: Democrat
BIGGEST DICK MOVE: DRONE DICKERY
Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize for “his extraordinary efforts to
strengthen international diplomacy.” This probably means just not pissing off
everyone like Bush did, but it takes on special irony when you consider Obama’s
use of drones.
For most of the war in Afghanistan, Obama used drones to attack targets
because it saved American lives, which means Americans complained less
about it. However, that doesn’t change the fact that robot sky assassins have
killed over 2000 people, many of them civilians. Also, it makes some of us
concerned that Obama was actually an agent of Skynet.
NOTABLE DICK MOVE: SPYING ON YO’ DICK
Senator Obama denounced the Patriot Act, but President Obama renewed
it. Also, Edward Snowden’s NSA leaks show how willing the Obama
Administration was to peek onto your phone or computer. This book was
written during Barry’s administration, so we assume a drone is circling our
roof right now.
DICKOMETER
6
44
DONALD
TRUMP
45th President
This is the first president who, no joke,
talked about his penis size on live TV.
In Office: 2017-Present
Party Affiliation: Republican
BIGGEST DICK MOVE: WHITE NATIONALIST DICK
As of this writing, it’s hard to know what President Trump will do, besides exile
Rosie O’Donnell. He’s never held elected office before, and his campaign’s policy
proposals were vague. One thing was crystal clear: he’s incredibly racist. He moved
conservative politics from dog whistle racism to Jamaican airhorn racism. He wants
to build a wall to keep Mexicans out of America and ban all Muslims from entering
the US. In the face of increasingly common police shootings of African Americans,
Trump wants to reinstate the unconstitutional “stop and frisk.” We don’t know
if Donald Trump is circumcised or not, but if he starts rambling about his “white
hood,” he’s probably talking going-out attire and not his dick.
NOTABLE DICK MOVE: HIS ENTIRE CAREER
Remember when you Googled “worst moments of Bush Presidency?” Do
the same thing, but Google “Donald Trump.” You’ll find Trump University,
Trump saying he can “grab women by the pussy,” Trump saying global
warming is a Chinese hoax, Trump saying not paying taxes makes him
smart, and much, much more. And this fuckstick is leader of the free world.
DICKOMETER FORECAST
10
45
WRITE-IN DICKS
We assume President Trump will cock up a lot in office. Keep this book
up-to-date by writing in his dick moves as they happen!
DRAW YOUR OWN
TRUMP DICK!
FURTHER READING
If you’re interested in learning more about presidential dickishness, visit your
local library, assuming it hasn’t being torn down and replaced with a Carl’s Jr.
You can also visit our complete Further Reading page online:
http://devastatorpress.com/dickerbook/reading
To all the talented portrait artists and photographers whose public domain work
we “dicked over” for this book, our sincerest apologies: Gilbert Stuart, John
Trumbull, Thomas Sully, W. H. Morgan, George Peter Alexander Healy, Ralph
Eleaser Whiteside Earl, James R. Lambdin, N. Currier, John Sartain, William F.
Cogswell, Daniel Huntington, Eastman Johnson, Anders Zorn, August Benziger,
John Singer Sargent, Frank Graham Cootes, Margaret Lindsay Williams, Greta
Kempton, Aaron Shikler, James Anthony Willis, David Hume Kennerly, Robert
Templeton, Herbert Adams, Sammie Knox, John Howard Sanden, D. Myles Cullen,
Gage Skidmore and others whose credits were lost in time. “Penis” by Isabel Foo
from the Noun Project.
46
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ANSWER KEY