Effective
Communication
3
PURPOSE
When students identify and effectively communicate their sexual boundaries they
are more likely to stick with them. Exploring different styles of communication helps
students manage the complexities of maintaining relationships, avoiding risk and
getting out of dangerous situations. Practicing effective communication skills makes
it more likely students will apply these skills in real life situations.
STUDENT LEARNING OBJECTIVES
Participants will:
1. Identify a range of sexual boundaries, including their own.
2. Compare different styles of communication.
3. Demonstrate effective communication skills to stay within their sexual
boundaries.
LESSON SUMMARY
Activities
Minutes Materials and Preparation Checklist
A Setting
5
¨Easel paper and markers
Boundaries
B Understanding 20
¨Easel paper and markers
Effective
¨Copy Communication Styles Scenarios and cut
Communication
into sets of three scenarios for small group work.
C Comparing
15
¨Make 2 copies of A Conversation between Sam and
Communication
Lee, Versions 1, 2 and 3.
Styles
D Communicating 15
¨Copy the six Communicating Boundaries Scenarios,
Boundaries
one scenario for each small group.
E Reflection & Closure
5
¨Journal or notecards
Lesson 3 – Effective Communication
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INTRODUCE THE LESSON
Say,
Today, we will talk about setting boundaries and how they can help you achieve your goals and aspirations.
We will look at different communication styles and decide the best way to communicate your boundaries
and limits with a friend or partner.
ACTIVITY 3A: SETTING BOUNDARIES
5
• Review by asking students: What do you remember from the last lesson?
Answers should include:
• How an unplanned pregnancy or STD can get in the way of achieving your goals
• Messages that can influence your sexual decision making
• What it takes to make abstinence work
Say,
Setting and communicating your boundaries is important for your sexual health. Every day we set personal
boundaries. For example, you may not lend a friend your phone because you don’t want it to be lost.
BRAINSTORM
• Ask, What are some examples of personal boundaries within a friendship or in a relationship?
Record answers on the board or on easel paper.
Possible answers:
• Choosing to not be in a relationship
• Waiting to have sex
• Deciding how physically intimate you want to be with a partner
• Hanging out in groups of friends, rather than being alone with a partner
• Only having safe sex (using a condom and birth control)
• Saying “no” to sex, even if you have said “yes” in the past
• Then say,
Now we’re going to focus on identifying different ways to communicate boundaries.
54 Lesson 3 – Effective Communication
ACTIVITY 3B: UNDERSTANDING EFFECTIVE
COMMUNICATION
20
Say,
It’s easier to stick to your boundaries if you can communicate them effectively to others. We are going
to look at three different communication styles that you can use to communicate personal boundaries.
• Write Assertive, Passive and Aggressive on easel paper or on the board.
• Say: Let’s brainstorm what each of these communication styles might look like, sound like and/or
feel like. Below are some prompts.
ASSERTIVE
PASSIVE
AGGRESSIVE
• confident tone of voice
• maintain eye contact
• say what you mean and
mean what you say
• making decisions together
• soft, unsure voice
• no eye contact
• say “I don’t care”, when
you actually do care
• always letting others
choose – “I don’t know,
you decide”
• loud and demanding voice
• glaring eye contact
• demand your own way,
ignoring what others want
• hurting other people to get
what you want
• The worksheet Communication Styles Scenarios has three sets of scenarios. Pass out one set of
three scenarios to small groups of 2-4 students. Depending on the size of your class, more than
one group may be working on the same set of scenarios. Give the groups 5 minutes to read and
discuss their scenarios and answer the following questions:
1. What type of communication style was used in the scenario?
2. What clues helped you come up with your decision?
• In the large group, ask each small group to read their scenarios out loud and share their responses.
Ask others to weigh in.
DEBRIEF THE ACTIVITY
Ask the following questions to debrief:
1. Was it easy to identify the communication style in the scenarios?
2. What are the advantages or disadvantages of using a particular style?
Possible answers:
• Assertive communication is clear, direct and respectful.
• When using passive communication your message may get lost or misunderstood.
• Aggressive communication may turn others off or make them defensive.
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SUMMARIZE
In summarizing the activity, include the following:
When trying to communicate your boundaries, ask yourself these questions:
• What style will help make sure my message is clear?
• What will work best to get my point across and still make sure I’m safe or make others feel safe?
• If I’m in a risky or dangerous situation, what will work best to get me out of the situation?
56 Lesson 3 – Effective Communication
Communication Styles Scenarios
SET 1:
What communication style is being used–Passive, Assertive or Aggressive? Underline the clues that back
up your choice.
1. In the school parking lot, someone cuts Morgan off and nearly causes an accident. She yells and
makes a rude hand gesture at the other driver.
Morgan is being ____________________
2. Connor and Gary have been dating for a month but it is a secret since Connor hasn’t told anyone
that he is gay. Gary wants everyone to know they’re a couple. Connor tells Gary that he’s glad that
Connor is proud of their relationship, but he wants to wait to tell others until they’re both ready to
come out. Connor asks Gary to respect his decision.
Connor is being: _____________________
3. At the lake a bunch of friends decide it would be fun to go skinny dipping. Most of the group quickly
agrees. Mickey feels uncomfortable, but doesn’t want to be teased, so joins in anyway.
Mickey is being ______________________________
SET 2:
What communication style is being used–Passive, Assertive or Aggressive? Underline the clues that back
up your choice.
4. Corey’s friend Kyle borrowed a sweatshirt last month. Corey has asked repeatedly to get it back,
but Kyle keeps forgetting. Corey calls Kyle and offers to drop by his house to get the sweatshirt.
Corey is being______________________________
5. Pat and Chris go to the movies. Chris wants to sit in the back so no one can see them. Without
asking if it’s ok, Chris begins to kiss Pat. Pat thought they were just friends and isn’t ready to get
physical, but doesn’t want to hurt Chris’s feelings. Pat doesn’t say anything and keeps making out.
Pat is being ______________________________
6. Lee and Terry have been dating for a while and always go out to eat at Lee’s favorite restaurant. One
night Terry suggests they go to a new place. Lee says, “No way! We’re going where I want to go.”
Lee is being ______________________________
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Communication Styles Scenarios
SET 3:
What communication style is being used–Passive, Assertive or Aggressive? Underline the clues that back
up your choice.
7. Taylor goes to the pool with some friends. A couple of his friends make crude comments to a
swimmer in the pool. Taylor is uncomfortable and tells them to stop being rude.
Taylor is being ______________________________
8. Dakota is dating Charlie. Recently Charlie has been telling Dakota not to spend so much time with
other friends and is also monitoring phone calls and texts. Dakota is uncomfortable with this but
doesn’t want to say anything because it might make Charlie mad.
Dakota is being _____________________________
9. Dylan can’t believe her friend posted a photo of her at a party where people were drinking. Even
though she wasn’t drinking, she could get kicked off the basketball team, or worse! The next time
she sees her friend she confronts her and yells, “I’m done with you!”
Dylan is being ________________________
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FACILITATOR KEY
Communication Styles Scenarios
The character’s communication style is labeled and the underlined phrases illustrate what type of
communication is being used within the scenario.
SET 1:
What communication style is being used–Passive, Assertive or Aggressive? Underline the clues that back
up your choice.
1. In the school parking lot, someone cuts Morgan off and nearly causes an accident. She yells and
makes a rude hand gesture at the other driver.
Morgan is being aggressive.
2. Connor and Gary have been dating for a month but it is a secret since Connor hasn’t told anyone
that he is gay. Gary wants everyone to know they’re a couple. Connor tells Gary that he’s glad that
Connor is proud of their relationship, but he wants to wait to tell others until they’re both ready to
come out. Connor asks Gary to respect his decision. Connor is being assertive.
3. At the lake a bunch of friends decide it would be fun to go skinny dipping. Most of the group quickly
agrees. Mickey feels uncomfortable, but doesn’t want to be teased, so joins in anyway.
Mickey is being passive.
SET 2:
What communication style is being used–Passive, Assertive or Aggressive? Underline the clues that
back up your choice.
4. Corey’s friend Kyle borrowed a sweatshirt last month. Corey has asked repeatedly to get the
sweatshirt back, but Kyle keeps forgetting. Corey calls Kyle and offers to drop by his house to get
the sweatshirt.
Corey is being assertive.
5. Pat and Chris go to the movies. Chris wants to sit in the back so no one can see them. Without
asking if it’s ok, Chris starts to kiss Pat. Pat thought they were just friends and isn’t ready to get
physical, but doesn’t want to hurt Chris’s feelings. Pat doesn’t say anything and keeps making out.
Pat is being passive.
6. Lee and Terry have been dating for a while and always go out to eat at Lee’s favorite restaurant.
One night Terry suggests they go to a new place. Lee says, “No way! We’re going where I want
to go.”
Lee is being aggressive.
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FACILITATOR KEY
Communication Styles Scenarios
The character’s communication style is labeled and the underlined phrases illustrate what type of
communication is being used within the scenario.
SET 3:
What communication style is being used–Passive, Assertive or Aggressive? Underline the clues that
back up your choice.
7. Taylor goes to the pool with some friends. A couple of his friends make crude comments to a
swimmer in the pool. Taylor is uncomfortable and tells them to stop being rude.
Taylor is being assertive.
8. Dakota is dating Charlie. Recently Charlie has been telling Dakota not to spend so much time with
other friends and is also monitoring phone calls and texts. Dakota is uncomfortable with this but
doesn’t want to say anything because it might make Charlie mad.
Dakota is being passive.
9. Dylan can’t believe her friend posted a photo of her at a party where people were drinking. Even
though she wasn’t drinking, she could get kicked off the basketball team, or worse! The next time
she sees her friend she confronts her and yells, “I’m done with you!”
Dylan is being aggressive.
60 Lesson 3 – Effective Communication
ACTIVITY 3C: COMPARING COMMUNICATION STYLES
15
Say,
Now we will see an example of these communication styles in a sexual situation.
• Ask for two volunteers to play the roles of Sam and Lee. Make sure your volunteers can effectively
act out the non-verbal cues along with the dialog.
• Have them read the three versions of A Conversation between Sam and Lee. They should remain
in their roles for all three versions. Point out the non-verbal cues in each scenario.
DEBRIEF THE ACTIVITY
After the volunteers have read the three versions of the story, ask the following:
1. Which version do you think was Passive, Assertive and Aggressive?
Version 1: Passive Version 2: Assertive Version 3: Aggressive
2. What were some of the differences between the three versions?
Possible answers: clear language, eye contact, body language, tone of voice
3. Which version was the most effective at communicating Sam’s boundary not to have sex, but still
maintains the relationship?
Version 2. Sam presented the message clearly and confidently. Lee was also respectful in listening
to what Sam said and agreeing to wait.
4. Can you think of situations when someone might need to use aggressive or passive communication
in order to stay safe?
If students don’t come up with examples, use these as prompts:
• Passive communication may help you stay safe with someone who is violent, drunk or high.
• Aggressive communication may be needed if someone won’t take “no” for an answer in order
to get them to leave you alone.
SUMMARIZE
In summarizing the activity, include these key points:
• Generally, in order to maintain a relationship, assertive communication is the most successful
because it allows each person to be honest about how they feel and respects both people.
• However, sometimes being aggressive or passive can get you out of a dangerous or risky situation.
• The important thing is to find a way to communicate your boundary and to stay safe.
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A CONVERSATION BETWEEN SAM AND LEE
VERSION 1
Lee: What’s the matter? Don’t you love me?
Sam: (Looking down, shyly in an unsure voice) Well, yeah, but I don’t know about this…
Lee: Come on. Everybody does it.
Sam: Yeah, but I don’t want to get in trouble.
Lee: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Sam: (say in a non-confident way) I’m nervous that…you know…that something could happen.
Lee: So, let’s keep going and see what happens.
A CONVERSATION BETWEEN SAM AND LEE
VERSION 2
Lee: What’s the matter? Don’t you love me?
Sam: (In a clear, confident voice.) I like you, but I don’t want to go any farther right now.
Lee: Come on. Everybody does it.
Sam: I’m not everybody. I don’t want to have sex right now.
Lee: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Sam: I’ve told you before-I like you, but I’m not ready to have sex.
If and when I am ready, I’ll let you know.
Lee: Ok, I hear you. I can wait if that’s what you want.
A CONVERSATION BETWEEN SAM AND LEE
VERSION 3
Lee: What’s the matter? Don’t you love me?
Sam: (hands on hips) What’s the matter with me?! What’s the matter with you?!
Lee: Come on. Everybody’s doing it.
Sam: So what if everyone’s doing it?!
Lee: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Sam: (loud, aggressive voice, pointing finger) You’re the problem! It’s always about you, You, YOU!
You just want something to brag to your friends about!
Lee: Ok, ok! You don’t need to yell at me.
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ACTIVITY 3D: COMMUNICATING BOUNDARIES
15
Say,
Now we will practice using assertive communication in some different scenarios.
• Have students form small groups of 2-4.
• There are six different Communicating Boundaries Scenarios. Hand out one scenario to each
group.
• Ask students to work together in their small groups to create responses to the scenarios. Instruct
them to use assertive communication that sticks with the character’s boundary but also maintains
the relationship with the other person in the scenario.
• Have the small groups work for 5 minutes to complete the lines in their scenario.
• As a large group, ask two volunteers from each group to read their scenarios.
DEBRIEF THE ACTIVITY
Debrief by asking the students these questions:
1. Were the scenarios and pressure lines realistic?
2. Was it easy to come up with responses? Why or why not?
3. What can make it difficult communicating your boundaries with a partner or a friend when you’re
feeling pressured?
Possible answers:
• You may have set boundaries for yourself, but feel pressure to participate in activities because
you want to be liked.
• You want to be more popular or fit in.
• You don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings or make them upset.
4. Why is it important to communicate your boundaries in situations like these?
Possible answers:
• When your friend/partner knows and understands your boundaries, it can strengthen your
relationship as there are no mixed messages.
• You will be more confident and self-assured because you are clear about what you want.
SUMMARIZE
In summarizing the activity, include this key point:
• It may not be easy to communicate your boundaries, but the more you practice, the better prepared
you will be when you’re in a situation where you might feel pressured to do something you aren’t
ready to do.
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COMMUNICATING BOUNDARIES
SCENARIO 1: AMY AND TYLER
Amy has talked and flirted with Tyler, who she really likes. Amy has decided that she is not going to have
sex until after high school. After school, Amy is invited to Tyler’s house to work on a school project. Once
there, she realizes that they are alone in the house. Amy and Tyler start kissing, but she feels things are
moving too far and too fast.
Instructions: Using assertive communication, fill in the blanks with ways Amy can respond to Tyler.
Tyler: This feels good. Let’s move this upstairs.
Amy:
Tyler: Don’t worry. We’ve got time--no one will be home for hours.
Amy:
Tyler: Don’t you care about me?
Amy:
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COMMUNICATING BOUNDARIES
SCENARIO 2: ALEX AND CHRIS
Alex invites Chris over after school. They’re watching TV and having something to eat. Alex’s mother
comes in to say she’s going out to run an errand. After she leaves, Chris starts coming on to Alex. Alex had
decided not to have sex until it feels right and this was not that time.
Instructions: Using assertive communication, fill in the blanks with ways Alex can respond to Chris.
Chris: Now’s our chance. I’ve wanted to be with you for a long time.
Alex:
Chris: We’ve been going out for 3 months. By now, everyone’s doing it.
Alex:
Chris: C’mon, just chill. It will be great.
Alex:
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COMMUNICATING BOUNDARIES
SCENARIO 3: DEVIN AND JESSE
On Saturday night, Devin goes to a party with Jesse. There are no adults at the party, and everyone is
drinking. Jesse tells Devin she wants to be alone. Devin is feeling dizzy from the beer, and is uncomfortable
with the situation. Devin does not want to have sex.
Instructions: Using assertive communication, fill in the blanks with ways Devin can respond to Jesse.
Jesse: What’s the matter? Come lie down with me.
Devin:
Jesse: Don’t you trust me?
Devin:
Jesse: I just want to get closer. I thought that’s what you wanted too.
Devin:
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COMMUNICATING BOUNDARIES
SCENARIO 4: JAMIE AND JO
A bunch of friends were talking at a party and the conversation of sex comes up. Everyone was teasing
each other about whether or not they’d ever had oral sex. Jamie feels pressure to be honest and says
“Not me. Not interested.” People start making fun of Jamie, but finally drop it. The next day Jamie’s friend
Jo sees Jamie at school and starts up the conversation again.
Instructions: Using assertive communication, fill in the blanks with ways Jamie can respond to Jo.
Jo: So, were you serious when you said you’ve never had oral sex?
Jamie:
Jo: Well, everyone does it. It’s not really a big deal, you know.
Jamie:
Jo: If word gets around, no one will go out with you …
Jamie:
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COMMUNICATING BOUNDARIES
SCENARIO 5: CAMERON AND DANA
Cameron and Dana have had sex a few times. Now it seems to Cameron that Dana expects to have sex
each time they get together. Cameron really wants to take a break from having sex since it seems that’s
what their relationship is all about. The next time Dana wants to be alone, Cameron suggests they go to
the movies with some friends instead.
Instructions: Using assertive communication, fill in the blanks with ways Cameron can respond to Dana.
Dana: Hey let’s hang out, just the two of us. You know that’s our usual thing.
Cameron: Dana: But I just wanna chill and be alone with you. We’ve had sex before, so what’s the problem now?
Cameron:
Dana: Maybe you just don’t want to be alone with me anymore? Is that it?
Cameron:
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COMMUNICATING BOUNDARIES
SCENARIO 6: CARSON AND HUNTER
Carson and Hunter have been going out for 5 months. They both like the way things are going and don’t
really plan to have sex until they’re older. They’ve never talked about STDs or condoms. Now Carson is
pressuring Hunter to have sex with him before they go off to college.
Instructions: Using assertive communication, fill in the blanks with ways Hunter can respond to Carson.
Carson: Come on, don’t you want to see what it’s like?
Hunter:
Carson: I’d rather have my first experience be with you. Don’t you feel the same?
Hunter:
Carson: But who knows where we’ll be a few months from now? This might be our best chance.
Hunter:
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ACTIVITY 3E: REFLECTION & CLOSURE
5
REFLECTION
• Either give each student a notecard or have them use a journal to reflect on their own sexual
boundaries.
• Let students know their responses are private—they should not put their name on the notecard
and are not expected to share their responses with anyone.
Say,
Take a moment to privately reflect on your sexual boundaries at this point in your life. Please write down
your thoughts about the following questions. Don’t put your name on the card as I will be collecting
them.
1. What are your boundaries?
2. How far would you be willing, or not willing, to go in a sexual situation?
3. What is one thing you learned today that will help you communicate effectively?
CLOSURE
In closing the lesson, be sure to make these key points:
• Using assertive communication can help you let others know how you feel and can maintain and
improve your relationships.
• Assertive communication will help you keep your relationships while you stick to your personal
boundaries.
• Even though we want to practice assertive communication, sometimes aggressive or passive
communication may be the best way to get out of a risky situation.
70 Lesson 3 – Effective Communication