Dealing with a Narcissist
8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries in Difficult
Relationships
By
Darlene Lancer, LMFT
Author of:
Codependency for Dummies
Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You
10 Steps to Self-Esteem: The Ultimate Guide to Stop Self-Criticism
Spiritual Transformation in the Twelve Steps
How To Speak Your Mind - Become Assertive and Set Limits
Freedom from Guilt and Blame - Finding Self-Forgiveness
Codependency's Recovery Daily Reflections
Dealing with a Narcissist
8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries in Difficult
Relationships
Darlene Lancer
©2015 Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT
Carousel Books
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or
transmitted by any means—electronic, mechanical, photographic (photocopying), recording, or
otherwise—without prior permission in writing from the author.
The information in this book is intended to be educational and not for diagnosis, prescription, or
treatment of any mental health disorder. Without a personal, individual, professional consultation
with you, the author is unable to give you professional psychological advice. Hence, you
understand that the material contained herein is general in nature, and the author disclaims any
personal liability, directly or indirectly for suggestions and information in this book.
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Learn more at www.whatiscodependency.com
Table of Contents
Introduction
Chapter 1. What Is Narcissism?
The Myth of Narcissus
The Continuum of Narcissism
NPD Diagnosis
Subtypes of Narcissism
Chapter 2. Narcissus — Understanding a Narcissist
The Cause of Narcissism
Underlying Beliefs
The Narcissistic Parent
Chapter 3. Echo — Understanding Yourself
Chapter 4. Relationships with Narcissists
Lack of Boundaries
The Role of Defenses
Intimacy Problems
Chapter 5. Facing the Truth
Chapter 6. Step One — Acceptance
Chapter 7. Step Two — Increase Your Awareness
Chapter 8. Step Three — Detach with Love
Chapter 9. Step Four — Build Your Self-Esteem
Chapter 10. Step Five — Change Your Reactions
Chapter 11. Step Six — Be Assertive
Chapter 12. Step Seven — Nurture Yourself
Chapter 13. Step Eight — Become Autonomous
Chapter 14. Summing Things Up
Appendix - Narcissistic Personality Quizzes
About the Author
Introduction
Countless people contact me about their unhappiness and difficulties dealing with a difficult
loved one, usually a partner or parent. The person is uncooperative, selfish, defensive, and often
abusive. When it’s their parent, by the time they reach adulthood, the emotional abandonment,
control, and criticism that they experienced growing up has negatively affected their self-esteem
and capacity for achieving success or sustaining loving, intimate relationships.
When their primary is relationship in trouble, they feel torn between their love and their pain,
between staying and leaving, but can seem to do neither. They’re deeply hurt and frustrated that
despite their pleas and efforts, their partner lacks consideration for their feelings and needs. They
feel betrayed that the romantic, considerate, and attentive person they fell in love with
disappeared as time went on. Uniformly, their self esteem, trust, and independence steadily
declined during the relationship. They admitted feeling less sure of themselves than they once
did. Some had given up their studies, career, hobbies, family ties, or friends to appease their
partner.
Occasionally, they experience remembrances of the warmth and caring from the person with
whom they first fell in love—often brilliant, creative, talented, successful, handsome, or
beautiful. They don’t hesitate to say that they’re committed to staying in the relationship, if only
they felt more loved and appreciated. For some people, divorce is not an option. They may be coparenting with an ex, staying with a spouse for parenting or financial reasons, or they want to
maintain family ties with a narcissistic or difficult relative. Some want to leave, but lack the
courage.
After writing Codependency for Dummies, a large number of people contacted me who were in a
relationship with a narcissist that neither drank nor abused drugs. The personality profile of my
clients was similar to someone living with an addict, who is accustomed to conflict, constant
anxiety, self-sacrifice, and frequent verbal abuse.
The term narcissism is commonly used to describe personality traits among the general
population. Also, a degree of healthy narcissism makes a well-balanced, strong personality. (I
include some quizzes you can take to evaluate yourself.) A narcissistic personality disorder is
much different and has specific criteria that must be met for a diagnosis. The personality disorder
also varies from mild to extreme.
In reading this book, some of the traits or examples won’t fit your situation, but utilize the
exercises and suggestions that apply, and overlook those that don’t. They will assist you in
dealing with anyone who is uncooperative or abusive. You’ll benefit whether or not the person
you love is a narcissist. This book is designed not only to inform, but also to help you take action
and improve your communication. It’s a workbook. It will be most useful if you keep a journal
or notebook and complete the recommended exercises. Some require practice. Doing so can
improve your relationship satisfaction, help you resolve any indecision about remaining in your
relationship, and give you the strength to leave if you so decide.
Although male outnumber female narcissists, I’ve tried to be gender neutral and therefore refer
to “narcissist,” to minimize the cumbersome, confusing alternative of switching between “he and
“she.” If the difficult person in your life isn’t a narcissist, substitute his or her name as you read.
Finally, although I refer to “your partner,” if you’re seeking help with a friend, parent, sibling, or
other relative or co-worker, merely apply what you read to that relationship.
This book is not meant to be a replacement for professional, psychological advice or therapeutic
counseling. If counseling or individual guidance is needed, please see a qualified professional in
your area who is competent with regard to the subject matter of this book.
I sincerely hope that reading this will enlighten you and help improve your relationship and
sense of well-being.
Chapter 1
What Is Narcissism?
Narcissism is often used to describe personality traits of inordinate self-love, arrogance, and
vanity. It was first applied psychologically by Havelock Ellis (1898) in referencing
Metamorphoses, by the Roman poet Ovid, which recounts the Greek moral tale of Narcissus and
Echo.
Freud later wrote about primary narcissism as an initial developmental stage, describing the
egocentricity of young children, before they learn reciprocity and the ability to take in the
perspective of others. Narcissism also describes adults who lack these traits. When it’s pervasive
and enduring, it constitutes a personality disorder, according to the American Psychiatric
Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, discussed below.
The Myth of Narcissus
This poignant myth is instructive because it crystallizes the problem of relationships with
narcissists. Narcissus was a beautiful hunter who broke the heart of the many women who loved
him. Despite their love, he remained aloof. In fact, with arrogance and pride, he held them in
disdain.
Meanwhile, the beautiful forest nymph Echo had incurred the ire of the goddess Juno for talking
too much. Juno punished Echo by depriving her of free expression. From then on, she could only
repeat the last words of others. Echo spotted Narcissus and became infatuated with the handsome
young man. She longed for his attention, but he was fixated on himself. She wanted to call out to
him, yet couldn’t. One day, Narcissus became separated from his hunting companions and called
out, “Is anyone there?” Echo could only repeat his words. Startled, he said, “Come here,” which
Echo repeated. Echo jubilantly rushed to Narcissus, only to be spurned by his words, “Hands off!
May I die before you enjoy my body.”1 Humiliated and rejected, Echo fled in shame.
Nevertheless, her love for Narcissus grew.
Nemesis, the goddess of revenge, witnessed this and decided to punish Narcissus by putting a
spell on him. When Narcissus noticed his reflection in a pool of water, love overtook him. He
believed that he’d finally found someone worthy of his love and became entirely absorbed with
gazing at his own beautiful image, not realizing it was actually himself.
Unable to get Narcissus’ attention, Echo’s obsession and depression grew. As the years passed,
she lost her youth and beauty pining away for the unattainable object of her desire. Narcissus
eventually committed suicide, consumed by his impossible love, leaving only a flower in his
place, and Echo wasted away, until all that remained of her was her echoing voice.
Like the myth, narcissists feel superior to others, on whom they “project” their shortcomings, but
depend upon to reflect back their positive self-image. In their arrogance, they can be dismissive
and rude. Echo can’t speak or advocate for herself. She lacks her own voice and can only mimic
words of others whom she idealizes. The children and partners of narcissists share Echo’s
experience of feeling rejected, invisible, and unheard. They long to be seen, to have their needs
met, and their love returned. Even though Narcissus and Echo both long for love, Narcissus can
neither give love, nor receive the love Echo offers.
The Continuum of Narcissism
All personality traits, including narcissism, vary from mild to severe. Narcissism ranges from
self-centeredness and some narcissistic traits to Narcissistic Personality Disorder (“NPD”).
Narcissism can also be viewed on a continuum from archaic to mature. During healthy
development, a child advances from primary narcissism to the oedipal phase when he or she is
able to desire others and eventually form a mutually reciprocal relationship. Those who are
unable to progress in their ability to love remain highly sensitive to wounding, have unstable
relationships, and employ destructive, psychotic defenses not grounded in external realty. Others
fall somewhere in between, are defensive and have unstable boundaries with others.
Mature individuals are able to idealize romantic partners, express their talents and skills, and
accomplish their goals. You may wonder what healthy narcissism looks like. Jack Welch, Oprah,
Intel founder Andy Grove, and George Soros are all successful individuals who exemplify
healthy narcissism. They’re charismatic leaders who developed their talents with confidence,
persevered to pursue their goals, and are empathic, socially skillful, authentic, generous,
assertive, and hold others accountable.
Psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut (1913-1981) believed that healthy narcissism continues to develop
throughout our lives, beginning with an undifferentiated bond with our mother in infancy. It
manifests in creativity, ambition, wisdom, and enjoyment of activities and achievements.
Interruption of that development accounts for pathological narcissism. Psychoanalyst Otto
Kernberg (b. 1928) disagreed with this continuous model. He viewed pathological narcissism as
distinct from both primary and healthy narcissism, which he referred to as self-esteem.
NPD Diagnosis
NPD occurs in up to 6.2 percent of the population; males account for 50-75 percent.2 Some
researchers believe that earlier studies were inaccurate and that the prevalence is around one
percent. The personality disorder wasn’t categorized as a disorder by the American Psychiatric
Association until 1987, because it was felt that too many people shared some of the traits, and it
was difficult to diagnose. Nonprofessionals often label people with NPD who show a few
narcissistic traits, but the clinical diagnostic criteria for NPD are summarized as follows:
Someone with NPD lacks empathy, needs admiration from others, and is grandiose
(sometimes expressed only in fantasy), as indicated by five of these characteristics:
1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance and exaggerates achievements and talents
2. Dreams of unlimited power, success, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. Lacks empathy for the feelings and needs of others
4. Requires excessive admiration
5. Believes he or she is special and unique, and can only be understood by, or should
associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
6. Unreasonably expects special, favorable treatment or compliance with his or her wishes
7. Exploits and takes advantage of others to achieve personal ends
8. Envies others or believes they’re envious of him or her
9. Has “an attitude” of arrogance or acts that way
NPD ranges in severity from narcissists with only the five required diagnostic traits to those who
strongly manifest all nine symptoms. Narcissists who have an excessive sense of entitlement and
are exploitative of others make the most difficult partners. “Malignant” narcissists are at the
extreme end, exhibiting pernicious hostility and anti-social behavior. They’re cruel and
vindictive when they feel threatened or don’t get what they want.
To measure narcissistic traits, you can take a quiz called the Narcissistic Personality Inventory,
but it’s not determinative of whether or not you have NPD. See the Appendix.
Subtypes of Narcissism
Some narcissists emphasize one personality trait more than others. One person with jovial
personality might always show-off and need to be the center of attention, while another narcissist
might be a vindictive bully, a demander of special treatment, an imperious authoritarian, or an
exacting know-it-all, succinctly articulated by Madonna, “Listen, everyone is entitled to my
opinion.” The DSM diagnostic criteria describe the “Exhibitionist Narcissist.” Subtypes
proliferate.
The closet narcissist
Psychoanalyst James Masterson identified a “Closet Narcissist”—someone with a deflated,
inadequate self-perception, a sense of depression and inner emptiness.3 This subtype has also
been referred to as a “covert narcissist” or “introverted narcissist,” and on the surface, may be
hard to identify. These narcissists may appear shy, humble, or anxious. Their gratification is
indirect through their emotional investment in someone they admire. They take things personally
and feel special, distrustful, mistreated, unappreciated, and misunderstood. Although they
devalue themselves, they dream of greatness and wonder why people don't appreciate and
understand them. They’re still self-centered and expect special treatment, although they may
appear to genuinely care for others and be a philanthropist or in a helping profession. But their
endeavors are motivated by their need for recognition, power over others, or egoistic pride. They
behave self-righteously superior or moralistic, or like an exploited, resentful martyr for all their
giving. Lacking the aggressiveness of the exhibitionistic narcissist, they’re more prone to
depression and feeling like things are falling apart.
Addicts
Addicts are characteristically self-centered and may also display the symptoms of narcissism.
Addiction is a disease marked by obsession and compulsive behavior about what is craved,
which takes precedence over the feelings and needs of other people. Rather than boasting and
acting needless, many addicts are needy and dependent. If they don’t also have NPD, their
behavior can change when they’re abstinent or sober and in recovery from their addiction.
Psychologist Theodore Millon classified four other types of narcissists:
The unprincipled narcissist
This type lacks a conscience and acts in an immoral, shady, or dishonest manner in dealing with
others, whom the narcissist tries to outsmart.
The amorous narcissist
Amorous narcissists are the consummate Don Juan or Mati Hari, using charm and seduction to
lure their sexual conquests, whom they exploit and discard. Some lie and con to achieve their
goal—all to boost their egos.
The compensatory narcissist
This type lives in an imaginary world, where he or she is center-stage and seeks admiration for
fabricated or exaggerated accomplishments.
The elitist narcissist
These narcissists presume special status for their imagined achievements and live a self-inflated,
“as-if” life that bears little resemblance to reality. They’re opportunists and are constantly
aggrandizing and marketing themselves to gain prestige and climb the corporate or social ladder.
They’re competitive and think nothing of trampling over others to achieve their ends.
Chapter 2
Narcissus — Understanding a Narcissist
Despite having a seemingly strong personality, narcissists are actually very vulnerable. What
they present is their protective armor that has resulted from years of denial. Command of their
feelings and of other people is all important, because without control they feel powerless and
humiliated. They don’t often experience depression, unless they suffer a major loss. Vulnerable
feelings, especially shame, sadness, and fear, are relegated to their unconscious. To feel sad or
lonely evokes their need for someone, which would open them to hurt, rejection, and their denied
sense of inferiority. They have disdain for any sign of weakness or vulnerability, because those
feelings were shamed in their childhood. Feeling vulnerable not only suggests weakness, but also
arouses fear of being controlled or humiliated as they once were. They attempt to eliminate these
uncomfortable feelings by demonstrating independence, courage, and strength—ideals with
which they identify. In the process, they bury their true self, which would be more balanced.
One study showed a significant correlation between narcissism and codependency.4 Narcissists
share core codependent symptoms of denial, control, shame, dependency (unconscious), and
dysfunctional communication and boundaries, all leading to intimacy problems. In my opinion,
they’re codependent, but not all codependents are narcissists. Like all codependents, their selfimage, thinking, and behavior are other-oriented in order to stabilize and validate their selfesteem and fragile self. Narcissists’ deprivation of real nurturing makes them dependent on
others for validation, because they only admire themselves as reflected in the eyes of others.
Ironically, despite their self-admiration, they crave further admiration. Their inflated self-opinion
is commonly mistaken for self-love. Exaggerated self-flattery and arrogance are merely covers
that assuage unconscious, internalized shame—self-loathing they won’t admit, usually, even to
themselves.
Although, narcissists don’t usually put the needs of others first, some narcissists are actually
people-pleasers and may be very generous. Yet, some may feel exploited by and resentful of the
people they help, but do so nonetheless. It feeds their ego and grandiosity to be able to afford
such largess or to aid people considered inferior. Like other codependents, giving and pleasing
also secures the attachment of those they love.
Narcissists are uncertain of their boundaries with other people, because theirs weren’t respected
growing up. They experience others as extensions of themselves, and more than most
codependents, they use people to feed their insatiable need for attention and confirmation of their
specialness. They hide behind a facade of needlessness and aloofness and seek power in one
form or another to protect themselves from experiencing the humiliation of feeling weak, sad,
afraid, or wanting or needing anyone—ultimately, to avoid rejection and feeling unlovable
caused by their deep shame. Only the threat of abandonment reveals how dependent they truly
are.
Male narcissists outnumber female narcissists nearly three to one. Due to cultural biases, men
more than women are more likely to strive for wealth, power, and success in their work. The
distrustful male child, in reaction to emotional abandonment and humiliation of his parents,
determines that it’s best to be entirely self-sufficient, “I will need nothing from anyone.” As
adults, they get what they want through influence and money without needing to be in the
humiliating position of asking for help or being indebted or dependent on anyone who might hurt
or control them. Female narcissism is on the rise, as is narcissism in general.5 A woman
narcissist may be a caregiving covert narcissist or compensatory narcissist, who sees herself as
playing the leading role. She may behave like the has-been star Norma Desmond in the movie
and play, Sunset Boulevard, singing, “Just one look.” Although females share the same traits as
their male counterparts, women generally focus more on their appearance. She may dress
provocatively and have exaggerated confidence about her looks or special talent. She’ll insist on
designer clothes, the best dermatologist, hairdresser, and perhaps plastic surgeon. She enjoys
selfies, being professionally photographed, and spends an inordinate amount of time on hair,
make-up, and clothes. More than men, women express entitlement by believing, “I deserve the
best, and you owe me.” Because of her unrealistic, selfish expectations, she may complain like a
martyred victim. (“It’s always my fault,” or “I can’t do anything right.”) One man protested that
his wife expected him to draw her bath at a precise temperature, take her only to five-star
restaurants, and have his car stocked with anything she might need. He felt whatever he did was
not right or enough. Both men and women employ forms of seduction in the form of flattery and
flirtation, which allow them to attract a partner, while retaining control. Men are more likely to
give gifts, whereas women dress provocatively.
Narcissists’ grandiosity, control of feelings, and exercise of power over others doesn’t really help
them, because they’re not connected to their true self, rendering them fragile and vulnerable. As
prisoners of their own need for specialness and perfection, they’re not free to be spontaneous,
make mistakes, act foolish, weep, and experience love and joy. Their pursuit of their ideal self
weakens their true self. (See Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True
You.) Actually, narcissists don’t have much of a self at all. They live in their imagination, on the
outside of life and humanity. They’re emotionally dead inside, hungry to be filled and validated
by others. Sadly, they’re unable to appreciate the love they do get, and they alienate those who
give it.
Their grandiose façade of extravagant plans, accomplishments, and self-descriptions are an
attempt to transcend feelings of shame—that they’re flawed, inadequate, or a failure. They may
embarrass family and friends with their boasting or obnoxious sense of entitlement, such as
monopolizing the conversation, interrupting others, or being rude to waiters and clerks.
However, their entitled attitude compensates for unconscious feelings of deprivation and
inferiority, which become intolerable when they don’t get their needs met or special privileges.
To obtain what they want, they may exploit others, regardless of the consequences.
Some narcissists are exceptionally beautiful, talented, powerful, or successful in their field.
Because they’ve striven to prove themselves, many do achieve celerity, wealth, influence, or
prestige. They appear enviably calm, confident, in control, or superior, aloof, and unresponsive.
Nonetheless, they’re basically insecure and extremely dependent upon success, prestige, and
others’ validation. Even narcissists who achieve recognition and success can’t enjoy it because
what they’ve accomplished is good enough.
Narcissists aggressively protect and preserve their false front to the degree that they fear
exposure to criticism or humiliation. Facing the truth about themselves would be devastating.
Consequently, they’re hypersensitive to any perceived challenge to their illusion of being the
best. They dread being considered a fraud, having their shortcomings revealed, their opinions or
authority questioned, or their self-esteem or pride tarnished, and they often perceive slights
where none exist. Compelled to maintain this self-deception, they will do what it takes to prop up
their image and block negative feedback. They defend against feeling ashamed and empty by
projecting it outwards through criticism and disdain toward others or by unleashing their
aggression and narcissistic rage. Their reaction betrays how frail their egos really are.
Narcissism and perfectionism go hand-in-hand. Narcissists see themselves as all good or all bad
and can vacillate between dissociated states of self-inflation and inferiority. They cannot admit to
failures, shortcomings, limitations, or dependence on others. Being human or ordinary isn’t good
enough, as anything less than perfect is thought of as inferior. In effect, they’re caught between
denying their own humanity to appear perfect or feeling utterly powerless and ashamed.
Due to their unrealistic standards, narcissists can be demanding. Trying to please them feels
thankless, like trying to fill a bottomless pit. The hole is their inner emptiness, of which they’re
unaware, but expect others to fill, which of course, is impossible. They can make you experience
what it was like to have an invasive, cold, or unavailable narcissistic parent. Anne Rice’s
vampire Lestat had such an emotionally empty mother, who devotedly bonded with him and
used him to survive.
Despite saying or doing things that feel cruel, most narcissists aren’t inherently evil or bad. Their
difficult and sometimes heartless behaviors are merely defense mechanisms (discussed in
Chapter 4, “Relationships with Narcissists”) to protect a vulnerable and lonely core, of which
they’re ashamed. Heinz Kohut observed this in his narcissistic clients who suffered from
profound alienation, emptiness, powerlessness, and lack of meaning. Beneath the surface, they
lacked sufficient internal structures to maintain cohesiveness, stability, and a positive self-image
to support a stable identity.
“The characteristic subjective experience of narcissistic individuals is a sense of
inner emptiness and meaninglessness that requires recurrent infusions of external
confirmation of their importance and value. . . . When the environment fails to
provide such evidence, narcissistic individuals feel depressed, shamed,
and envious of those who succeed in attaining the supplies that they lack.”6
The Cause of Narcissism
It can be hard to empathize with narcissists, but they didn’t choose to be that way. They bear
scars from childhood. Kohut believed their natural development was arrested due to insufficient
maternal nurturing (or from their early caregiver). Without empathic parental interactions, they
lacked modeling, stunting their emotional capacity to empathize. Empathic matching of feelings
is also essential for healthy development of the self. Instead of feeling loved and accepted for
who they were, they grew up praised only for their performance and being the best, creating a
belief that their true self was unlovable. Who they were and what they did was never good
enough.
Otto Kernberg emphasized the significance of parental veiled aggression expressed through
harshness or criticism that stemmed from anger, envy, hate, or indifference. The parent may have
been domineering, exploitive, or manipulative. Whatever the parenting style, these children
suffered a “narcissistic injury” by a parent who humiliated their vulnerable feelings and needs,
making them feel powerless in relation to a powerful parent. To protect their shamed and
powerless self-image, they created an ideal one that’s better than other people. They then strove
to achieve their perfectionistic ideal in ways that reflect their personality and skills. But because
narcissists’ achievements and beliefs aren’t grounded in their true self, they need constant
validation for their fabricated self.
Social learning theorists argue that narcissism is caused by a lack of modeling and overindulgent
parenting, which teaches children to feel superior and entitled irrespective of their behavior.7
However, studies show that leniency can equally result in healthy narcissism. However, when
psychological control is added, such as guilt induction and withdrawal of love, a solid self
doesn’t develop, because the child’s focus is to gain external approval.8 The child learns that
love and involvement is conditioned on conforming to parental needs and expectations and
doesn’t receive support for an emerging autonomous self. Another view is that narcissism can
result when a child is extremely close to an overly-indulgent mother who encourages
dependency, incompetence, and lack of self-reliance.
Some families have a pervasive attitude of superiority over other people. The parents may have
provided material benefits to their children, but the family lived in an emotional vacuum. Their
children feel emotionally abandoned and ignored. As adults, they may not remember feeling
unhappy or lonely, because they were involved with school, siblings, or friends, but they also
don’t recall any parental understanding or warmth. Whether critical or indulgent, both views
portray a mother unable to experience her child as a separate individual and to provide sufficient
empathy, mirroring, or opportunity for idealization.
Studies have shown that results vary depending upon a child’s personality. Although parenting
styles affect development of healthy narcissism, the effect on the development of unhealthy
narcissism depends on the child’s initial proclivity towards narcissism.9 Although more research
is required, twin studies revealed a 54 percent correlation of narcissistic behaviors, suggesting a
genetic component.10
Underlying Beliefs
Underlying beliefs are formed from childhood experiences. For instance, if you experienced
abuse, you’ll form beliefs based on distrust and shame. To better understand your partner, link
your knowledge of his or her childhood with your observations of current behavior. See if you
can identify any of the following underlying beliefs, of which he or she may be unaware. Modify
them or add additional beliefs that apply.
“I must never need anyone, because no one will meet my needs.”
“I must always perform or produce, because otherwise I feel inferior and worthless.”
“Who I really am is unlovable. I can’t be me, because no one will ever love me for who I
really am.”
“I can’t trust people, because they’re out for themselves or want to exploit me.”
“Because I’m unlovable, people are nice to me only to use me; so I’ll use them, too.” (“It’s a
dog eat dog world.”)
“Relationships are based upon power. I must control people, or they will control me.”
“I’m not good enough, and whatever I do isn’t good enough. Less than perfection is
inferior.”
“Rules are for other people. I’m better than others and am entitled to special treatment.”
“I can’t tolerate disappointment and the frustration of not immediately getting what I want.
It sends me into a rage.”
“I can’t tolerate feeling ordinary and therefore need to associate with high-status people.”
“I doubt myself and need approval and validation of others.”
Reviewing these beliefs can help you gain insight into what drives your partner’s behavior.
You’ll come to realize that it’s not a reflection of you, but of what is going on inside him or her.
With greater understanding and empathy, there’s no need for you to react, but instead respond in
productive ways that de-escalate conflict.
The following list is not for scoring, but only to heighten you awareness about your relationship
and comfort level. Your partner may do many or only a few of these behaviors. Ask yourself if
he or she:

Is rude to people.

Takes things without asking or offering to return them.

Criticizes you, your opinion, interests, work, family, or friends.

Is judgmental and critical of other people.

Insists on getting his or her way or else becomes angry.

Manipulates you and others to get what he or she wants.

Blames you unjustly.

Values appearances above friendship or integrity.

Expects special treatment, such as not waiting in line or for an appointment, or getting the
best seats or table and may tip to get it.

Only wants to hire “the best” in any field.

Befriends high-status people or what they can do for him or her.

Thinks he or she is superior to or more important than others.

Needs a lot of attention, validation, and compliments.

Tells you what to do.

Dismisses or minimizes your opinion, feelings, needs, or wants.

Seeks retribution or revenge.

Can be very charming in public, but is different at home.

Acts unethically to get his or her needs met.

Uses drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, or other addiction.

Lies.

Puts less effort than you into the relationship.

Is available only on his or her terms.

Pressures you to say or do things against your values.

Brags.

In a group, takes center stage (sometimes after others lose interest).

Regularly interrupts or stops you from speaking.

Lacks concern for your safety or your needs and feelings.

Takes credit for yours or other people’s effort or work.

Is physically, emotionally, verbally, or sexually abusive.

Frequently envies perceived competitors. Imagines others envy him or her.

May do harm to perceived competitors.

Expects you to read his or her mind without making requests.

Will unremorsefully exploit you or your resources or those of others.

Never takes responsibility for his or her behavior or apologizes.

Tells about his or her imagined success or fame.

Is unfaithful or feels entitled to flirt in front of you or with your friends.

Misrepresents stories to look good or to make you or others look bad.

Makes hurtful jokes about you in front of others.

Disrespects rules and boundaries; e.g., inappropriately asks people favors or
misappropriates their property.

Slanders other people’s character.

Is hypersensitive to criticism or humiliation.

Rages.

Never forgives or forgets.

Is very defensive.

Needs to be the best, the first, wear designer clothes, or have most expensive or
prestigious things.
The Narcissistic Parent
Narcissistic parents usually run the household and can do severe damage to the self-esteem and
motivation of their children. Often they attempt to live vicariously through them. These parents
expect excellence and can be competitive, envious, critical, domineering, or needy. Although
their personalities differ, the common factor is that their feelings and needs, particularly
emotional needs, come first. As a result, their children learn to adapt, become codependent, and
gradually deny their own needs and feelings in order to deal with those of their parent. A haywire
system develops, so that the children bear the responsibility for meeting the parent’s emotional
needs, rather than vice versa. Children thus don’t learn to honor their own feelings and needs.
As with their partners, narcissistic parents see their child as an extension of themselves. They
shame their children directly and indirectly. Frequently, they project onto them inner feelings of
unworthiness and their own negative traits, such as attention-seeking or selfishness, which they
themselves disown. The children feel inadequate and never enough, because of insufficient
empathic parental mirroring. Their feelings and needs are ignored, denied, criticized, or lectured.
Parents criticize, envy, or compete with their same-sex child in games, or they boast and
negatively compare their child to themselves. Although a narcissistic parent may sometimes
appear attentive and caring, their personality can easily switch to shaming, teaching the child that
it’s unsafe to trust and be vulnerable.
Chronic empathic failures impair the healthy development of a child’s separate, psychological
self. Over time, the child of a narcissist feels deficient because he or she is unable to meet the
expectations and demands of the parent. The same may apply to the child of an addict or who has
suffered emotional abuse or lack of empathy. Dissonance escalates when a child begins to assert
needs, wants, and independence. Moreover, as the child matures, narcissistic parents don’t
support his or her independent ideas and strivings due to their lack of boundaries and fears of
abandonment. Their attempts to dominate their child through shaming and control escalate. They
personalize their child’s failures and natural autonomous impulses. When confronted, narcissistic
parents become defensive, blame their children, and may cut off financial support and/or
communication. Lack of emotional support for their child’s independent feelings, needs, and
desires creates a pervasive feeling of deprivation, emptiness, and emotional abandonment. It can
rob children of motivation and the ability to fulfill their own needs and wants, further limiting
their individuation.
If there’s a divorce, some narcissistic parents alienate their children from the noncustodial parent
whom they denigrate. They’re so consumed with their own needs and feelings that they ignore
those of their children. Such emotional neglect further teaches their children to deny and
subjugate their individual needs and feelings.
Children of narcissistic parents grow up codependent with low self-esteem. Whereas their
parents feel entitled, they feel unentitled (unless they, too, are narcissistic). Without consistent
mirroring, they don’t learn to trust and value themselves. Growing up according to “should’s”
further alienates them from their true selves. In varying degrees, they find it difficult to express
their rights, needs, and feelings and to set boundaries. Their relationships reflect their lack of
entitlement. Because their boundaries weren’t respected growing up, they can’t self-validate and
are highly sensitive to criticism. They may be driven to prove themselves in order to win their
parents’ approval, but find little motivation to pursue their wants and goals when not externally
imposed (e.g., by a partner, employer, teacher).
Although they may be unaware of what was missing in their childhood, fear of abandonment and
intimacy continues to permeate their adult relationships. They’re afraid of making waves or
mistakes and being authentic. Used to seeking external validation, many become pleasers,
pretending to feel what they don’t and hiding what they do. By reenacting their family drama,
they believe their only choice is to be alone or give up themselves in a relationship.
Often adult children of narcissistic parents are depressed, have unacknowledged anger, and
feelings of emptiness. They may attract an addict, a narcissist, or other unavailable partner,
repeating the pattern of emotional abandonment from childhood. Healing requires recovery from
codependency and overcoming the toxic shame acquired growing up in a narcissistic home.
Although the terminology in this book focuses on intimate relationships with a narcissist, the
same principles apply to a relationship with a narcissistic parent. Change may be more
challenging, however, because of the historical imbalance of power.
Chapter 3
Echo — Understanding Yourself
Whereas Narcissus is overly self-absorbed, Echo is overly other-absorbed. Yet they both fit the
definition of a codependent: someone whose thinking and behavior revolves around another
person, substance, or process. Not everyone romantically involved with a narcissist is like Echo,
but those who stay for more than a few years resemble her—a stereotypical codependent who
sacrifices his or her own life to accommodate others. In contrast to narcissists, accommodators
move toward people, believing that loving and being loved and liked will protect them from
being hurt. They have less personal agency, and their personality is generally passive, compliant,
and self-effacing. They crave being wanted, accepted, supported, understood, approved of,
needed, and loved. Like, Echo, this makes them dependent upon the narcissist, even when their
needs aren’t being filled.
As an accommodator, rather than wanting power, you value connectedness and idealize being
loving, unselfish, and attentive. To be accepted, you hide your true feelings and instead show
likable traits. You may not believe you have any rights and feel guilty stating your needs, of
which you are mostly unaware. You naturally go along or put others’ needs and feelings first,
sometime self-sacrificing at great lengths to please. This allows a narcissist to easily abuse and
exploit you.
You learned to accommodate in order to feel secure and loved growing up, partly due to your
innate personality and partly due to shame and dysfunctional parenting. As a child and now as an
adult, you deny or hold back your anger and aggressive tendencies, which you judge and which
may frighten you, so as not to jeopardize your relationships. “Don’t make waves” is your motto.
This makes you more vulnerable to being exploited and shamed by a narcissist. You’re afraid of
abandonment and the narcissist’s anger because of your childhood experiences—although the
type of abandonment or abuse may differ. Emotionally trapped in your youth, you’re unable to
access your power, further stunting your ability to assert and protect yourself and stop the abuse.
In fact, emotional abuse intertwined with love may be so familiar from your past that you don’t
recognize it or may deny its impact on you. Instead, to keep the peace, you placate and appease.
Denial of your self-interest and fear of conflict and abandonment render setting boundaries
extremely difficult.
In many ways, you and your partner are opposites. You avoid power and prefer a submissive
role. You may repress your pride, ambition, and competitive impulses and even feel guilty
winning. Particularly if you’re a woman, you avoid recognition and positions of authority and
feel uncomfortable being in charge. It’s more satisfying being needed in an advisory or
supportive role with your partner and others, like a manager for a celebrity or the “woman
behind the man.” You might think that assertiveness is unkind, setting limits appears rude, or that
making requests feels selfish. To your ears, being assertive sounds harsh, albeit normal to others.
In sum, compared to the confident air of the narcissist, you often feel inferior, flawed, guilty, not
enough, and unworthy of respect. To express yourself, you may communicate in ways that are
dishonest and passive-aggressive, or perhaps boil with resentment until you blow up. But you
aren’t taken seriously, and nothing changes. More often, you likely turn your aggression toward
yourself as guilt and self-judgment, or express it indirectly through control, judgment, criticism,
complaints, and passive manipulation.
It’s no accident that you were attracted to someone who presented traits that you lack.
Unconscious yearning to magically heal your wounded child-self motivated you to find an ideal
partner, allowing you to be easily captivated by his or her appeal and charisma. Your partner
may have appeared to fulfill your childhood longings for attention that you missed from your
mother or father. However, you share with your partner a dysfunctional family background and
inner emptiness and shame, which blinded you from recognizing the narcissist’s charm as
seduction.
Although not all narcissists are verbally abusive, many engage in verbal attacks, false
accusations, and criticism. They may have unpredictable tantrums and unjustified indignation
about small or imaginary slights that can leave you tense and drained. Because your boundaries
are weak, you take whatever is said to you as the truth. In vain attempts to win approval and stay
connected, you sacrifice your needs and thread on eggshells, fearful of displeasing your partner.
You worry what he or she will think or do, and become as pre-occupied with your partner as he
or she is with him or herself. You have to fit in to the narcissists’ cold world and get used to
living in an emotional desert. With addicts or other personality types, life may be an
unpredictable emotional rollercoaster. Soon, you begin to doubt yourself and lose confidence and
self-worth. When you try to communicate your hurt or disappointment, it gets twisted and is met
with defensive blame or further put downs. Your partner can dish it, but not take it.
Typically, accommodators accept their partner’s blame and try to be more understanding. To
cope, you deny, minimize, or rationalize abuse and hurt feelings. This behavior is to prevent your
greatest fear—abandonment and rejection, which would dash your hope of finding lasting love
and confirm your belief of being unlovable. But you stay, because periodically the charm,
excitement, and loving gestures that first enchanted you return—especially when your partner
feels threatened that a break-up is imminent. Although you feel loved by expensive gifts, caring
words and gestures, or displays of jealousy or protectiveness, you sometimes doubt his or her
sincerity and question whether it’s really manipulation, pretense, or a manufactured “as if”
personality.
Ultimately, you stay because you love your partner, or because being alone would be worse. You
may feel helpless or unentitled to be happy, loved, successful, or worthy of pursuing your
dreams. You don’t realize self-sacrificing behavior fuels your anger and compounds your
suffering. If abuse is allowed to continue for a long time, denial of your needs and anger lead to
bitterness, resentment, and depression that can result in psychosomatic symptoms and despair.
Underlying Beliefs
Your underlying beliefs drive your perceptions, feelings, and behavior. To not get triggered by
your partner, it’s important to unlink your beliefs formed in your childhood from present
interactions. See if you can identify your beliefs from the list below. Think about the way you
behave, since you may not be consciously aware of your beliefs:
“My needs aren’t important.”
“Putting my needs or wants first is selfish.”
“What I say or want doesn’t matter. People won’t change.”
“I’m afraid of anger and don’t believe it’s okay for me to express it.”
“I’m unsure about my beliefs and opinions.”
“If I’m loving, pleasing, and helpful, then I’ll be loved.”
“I only feel loved and lovable when I’m needed or useful.”
“Peace at any price.”
“Speaking up may rupture the relationship, and that should be avoided at all costs.”
“My biggest fear is being rejected or ending up alone without anyone.”
“I’m unlovable and don’t believe I can be loved for who I am.”
“I don’t deserve to be happy.”
“It’s not safe to show feelings. I cry alone or am silently furious.”
“I’m not good enough, and whatever I do is never enough.”
See which of these feels right to you and tie them to your childhood experiences. You may notice
that there are some overlapping beliefs between your partner and you. In many ways, your
deeper feelings are similar due to the shame and codependency originating in childhood, though
the outward behavior and coping mechanisms usually differ.
The “buttons” that your partner pushes were put there by someone in your past. In most cases,
it’s one or both of your parents. By unbuttoning them, you become empowered, less fearful, and
can learn not to take things so personally. Al-Anon Family Groups recommend, “Q.T.I.P.—Quit
Taking It Personally.”
Ask yourself, in relation to your partner and others, whether you:

Look up to him or her with admiration.

Placate to deescalate conflict.

Have trouble speaking your opinions.

Give in to his or her decisions or requests.

Try hard to win his or her approval.

Violate your values or do things that make you uncomfortable to please him or her.

Give up friends to be with him or her.

Change plans to accommodate him or her.

Avoid asking for what you want or need.

Are very loyal even though you’re not treated well.

Care more about your partner’s feelings than he or she cares about yours.

Participate in sex you don’t want in the hope of receiving love.

Put aside your hobbies, interests, or career goals.

Have trouble making decisions and following through on them.

Suppress your true feelings to be accepted or liked.

Feel guilty saying, “No.”

Judge what you think, say, or do as not good enough.

Compare yourself to others as better or less than.

Don’t feel lovable for who you are.

Feel humiliated or guilty asking for help or for your needs to be met.

Are uncomfortable in a leadership role or giving directions to people.

Are unsure whether what the narcissist says is real—whether it’s authentic.

Are embarrassed receiving recognition or compliments.
There is no magical prince or princess or unconditionally loving parent who can make up for
what you didn’t get in childhood. You can, however, do the work of recovery, grieve and accept
your past, parent yourself, and feel worthy of love. Then you’re ready to love and be loved, not
by a god or goddess, but by a flawed, yet loving partner. To learn more about healing from
codependency, do the self-healing exercises in Codependency for Dummies and Conquering
Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You.
Chapter 4
Relationships with Narcissists
It’s easy to fall in love with narcissists. When they switch on their charm, people gravitate
towards them. Their talent, success, beauty, and charisma cast a spell, along with compliments
and scintillating conversation. Enlivened by their energy and apparent interest in you, you’re
proud to bask in their glow. Their alluring performance is designed to win your trust and love
and implicitly promises that their attentiveness will continue.
However, when at home, narcissists may privately denigrate the person they were just publicly
entertaining, and after a romantic prelude, they can act totally different. Once you’re hooked,
they lack the motivation to maintain a charismatic, romantic façade. As the excitement of
romance wanes, they become disappointed in you. Their criticisms escalate over time. As their
emptiness returns, they may often act aloof and dismissive. You must contend with their
demands, judgments, and self-centeredness. The relationship revolves around them. You’re
expected to appreciate their specialness, meet their needs when needed—for admiration, service,
love, or purchases—and are dismissed when you’re not. They see you and others only as objects
to use in order to manage their needs and internal environment and to protect them against their
sensitivity to humiliation and shame. Perhaps you’ve been embarrassed when your mate flirted
with a cashier, cut to the front of the line, or castigated a waitress.
Codependents seek and hunger for missing parts of themselves. They admire partners who
appear bold, who like to take charge and dominate. While in awe of narcissists’ self-direction
and “strength,” which they idealize and hope to absorb, they’re unaware of narcissists’ fragile
personas and hidden shame.11 For themselves, accommodators prefer a non-authoritative,
subordinate role, because their own power and often anger are repressed, frightening, and shamebound. They live vicariously in the reflection of a narcissist’s power, protection, and charisma.
The narcissist’s attributes and aura of success boost their inferior self-image, which also allows
them to tolerate emotional abuse. Together they’re a perfect fit, albeit painful. This is why two
accommodating codependents rarely get together.
Whereas narcissists freely express their needs and anger, accommodators feel needless or guilty
asserting needs and wants. Caretaking and pleasing give them a sense of purpose and value.
Because they feel undeserving of receiving love, they don’t expect to be loved for who they
are—only for what they give or do. Hence, narcissists put themselves first, and their codependent
partners put them first, too. This makes their relationship work . . . in the beginning. If you’ve
been doing this, eventually, you feel drained, hurt, resentful, disrespected, and lonely.
Narcissists are drawn to a partner who can support their pride and fill their emptiness—someone
emotionally expressive and nurturing, qualities that they lack. They need partners they can
control, who won’t challenge them and make them feel weak.12 Sometimes, two narcissists get
involved, but the relationship is highly conflictual. They blame and push each other away, and
fight over whose needs comes first, but are miserable needing each other.
Ask yourself whether in your relationship with your partner, you:

Were “swept off your feet” by romantic gestures in the early stages of your romance.

See traits in your partner that you lack in yourself? What stops you from developing
them?

Feel insecure or inferior.

Feel anxious about expressing yourself.

Feel intimidated.

Feel unsafe.

Feel used, taken advantage of, like an object, or exploited.

Feel invisible or like an audience.

Feel that you’re unimportant or that your opinions, needs, and feelings don’t matter.

Feel manipulated.

Feel that he or she can dish it out, but not take it.

Feel you’re treated unfairly—that there’s a double standard.

Feel abused or mistreated.

Feel lonely or abandoned.

Feel left out of his or her life, work, family, or plans.

Feel you and your relationship revolve around what he or she wants.

Feel that you can never please him or her—nothing is good enough.

Feel criticized.

Feel sexually seduced or deprived.

Feel empty.

Feel resentful or angry that you don’t get your needs met.

Feel the relationship isn’t reciprocal or that your love isn’t returned.

Feel embarrassed by his or her public behavior.

Feel drained by his or her demands or need for attention.

Feel ignored.

Feel hopeless of getting what you want from him or her.

Feel blamed, guilty, and often apologize.

Feel dominated or controlled.
Lack of Boundaries
Because of their lack of boundaries, narcissists experience you as an extension of themselves.
Some narcissists expect you to read their mind and know their needs without having to ask. Even
when you try, nothing you do is right or appreciated. You might go out of your way to fill their
requests and endless needs, only to have your efforts devalued because you didn’t get it right.
You end up in a double-bind—damned if you please them and damned when you don’t. That
you’re ill or in pain is inconsequential. A horrendous example was a wealthy father who became
infuriated at his daughter’s request for a small loan at a time she had terminal cancer and was a
single, unemployed mother. He yelled at his daughter claiming that she didn’t understand how
stressed he was about her illness and how could she ask him for money at “a time like this.”
Narcissists don’t like to hear “No,” or when others set boundaries. They can act like a child who
believes he or she is the center of the universe and throws a tantrum when others don’t comply.
Not getting their way threatens their facade of being all-powerful and in control. Other people’s
limits trigger their childhood wounds and make them feel powerless like they did as a small
child, which is very frightening. So they manipulate to get what they want and may punish you
or make you feel guilty for turning them down.
Should their illusion of authority crumble, they react with rage. You become frightened that if
you don’t please them, you’ll risk an onslaught of blame and punishment, love being withheld,
and a rupture in the relationship. It feels all too possible, because your partner’s relationship is
primarily with him or herself. You just have to fit in. Nevertheless, you stay, because
periodically the charm, excitement, and loving gestures that first enchanted you return.
Weak boundaries make intimacy difficult. Because your boundaries are weak, too, you have
trouble saying, “No,” and take personally your partner’s feelings, words, and actions, without a
boundary to filter them.
The Role of Defenses
Typically, narcissists defend against feelings of insecurity and inferiority by moving against
people to push them away. They seek mastery and control of their environment and others in
order to get their needs met and to avoid feeling vulnerable no matter what. By being powerful
and superior, they protect themselves from feelings of self-doubt, unworthiness, guilt, and selfcontempt. To bolster their ego, they accumulate symbols of power, success, and strength, such as
a title, property, prestige, and social status. To the same end, they primarily employ defenses of
denial, arrogance, aggression, and projection to avoid experiencing their shame and feelings in
general.
In addition to defenses to shame, codependents also use codependency—their addiction to a
person, substance, or process, and codependent behaviors, such as pleasing, obsession, and
caretaking, to avoid feelings of inferiority and inadequacy. They protect themselves from feeling
rejected and alone by moving toward people. More than narcissists, they’re likely to concede or
withdraw from a conflict rather than become aggressive. (To understand more about the role of
shame in narcissism and in codependency, see Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to
Freeing the True You.)
To cope with negative emotions and pain, people use defense mechanisms that were learned in
childhood, through emulating or reacting to their parents. Defenses to shame, listed below, make
intimacy and relationships challenging. This is especially true of the defenses used by narcissists.

Denial and Repression

Arrogance—Contempt

Projection—Blame

Aggression

Envy

Perfectionism

Humor

Withdrawal

Self-Pity

Avoidance—addiction
Arrogance and contempt
Arrogance inflates a narcissist’s ego with an air of superiority to shield against unconscious
feelings of inadequacy. It also shifts shame by projecting inferiority onto others. Contempt,
“looking down your nose,” is arrogance combined with anger and the disgust associated with
shame, which is projected onto someone who is seen as inferior.
Projection and blame
Projection is an unconscious defense process whereby unacceptable feelings, thoughts, or
qualities are disowned and mentally or verbally attributed to someone else. When narcissists
sense any self-doubt, weakness, or the slightest insecurity, they (as well as codependents) blame
those close to them or entire groups of people. Making someone else the problem allows blamers
to feel better about themselves, while making the other person feel the way they really feel
inside. Because of shame and low-self-esteem, it’s hard for codependents, and especially for
narcissists, to accept responsibility for mistakes and negative feelings. Through projection, they
accuse others of the bad feelings or aspects of themselves. Rather than suffer self-judgment,
projection allows blamers to maintain their innocence and avoid feeling guilt and shame. When
you’re the target a narcissist’s projection, you’re the one who is “selfish,” “weak,” and
“worthless.”
To illustrate how projection works, it’s essential to understand that shame has two faces; one that
appears better than others and a second that feels inferior. This diagram illustrates how a self
divided by shame is made up of a superior-acting, grandiose self and an inferior, devalued self:13
When the devalued self is in the inferior position, shame manifests by idealizing others. This is
what partners do when they’re attracted to and idealize a narcissist. When a person is in the
superior position, defending against shame, the grandiose self devalues others through
projection. Both devaluation and idealization are commensurate with the severity of shame and
the associated depression.14 Most codependents and other people flip from feeling better than to
less than other people, fluctuating between the superior and inferior positions. However, the
Exhibitionistic and Closet Narcissists are more or less static in their respective superior and
inferior positions regardless of reality.
Aggression
Aggression is used to create safety by pushing people away. Narcissists see the world as hostile
and threatening in the way they did as a child, and they move against people aggressively. This
temporarily relieves internal feelings of shame, which are usually unconscious and transferred to
someone else. Belittling, fault-finding, name-calling, ordering, and other forms of emotional
abuse are used to shift shame. Abuse is always about exercising power over others to dominate
them. It stems from feelings of powerless and inadequacy or inferiority, and can range from
blame and abusive criticism to violence directed at others or their property. Abusers subjugate
others so as not to be subjugated the way they once were by a controlling parent. This may be
expressed as machismo, bullying, or by other forms of verbal and physical abuse. Some
narcissists project their hostility onto others and play the role of a victim to justify their own
attitude and behavior.
When narcissists are challenged or criticized, they react aggressively, sometimes to the point of
rage. Rage is a reaction to a perceived assault to their wounded self. Vindictive narcissists
retaliate in order to reverse feelings of humiliation and restore their pride by defeating their
offender.
Perfectionism and Envy
Striving for perfection also defends against feeling inferior or inadequate. Competitive narcissists
are not only envious of people who have what they want; they may react vengefully to bring
them down, especially if they feel threatened.
For several weeks, observe the defense mechanisms used by you and your partner. Your own
defenses may be harder to identify. Answer the following. If you’re unable to answer, pay
attention to your interactions and write about them to identify what’s really going on.

Do you recognize any of defense mechanisms described above used by your partner?

Can you see through his or her façade?

What are your defenses? Do you use some of the same ones as your partner?

What defenses did you observe your mother using with your father, and vice versa?

What defenses did you use with your mother? With your father?

Did you learn defenses modeled by your mother or father?

Do you react to your partner’s defenses with your own?

Do you continually try to please or appease your partner to avoid conflict? (e.g.,
apologize, act extra nice, go along)

Do you react with anger and accuse or blame your partner?

Are you passive-aggressive, or do you express your anger indirectly, for example, by
being late or forgetting things important to your partner?

Do you deny, rationalize, or minimize your pain in order to try to make the relationship
work?

Do you stuff your feelings? What reaction would you expect if you shared them?

Do you silence your opinions? What reaction would you expect if you shared them?

Do you know what you want? Do you ask for it? If not, what reaction would you expect
if you did?

Do you accept blame from your partner and feel guilty or apologize?

Do you compliment or bolster your partner’s ego when you don’t want to? How does this
make you feel?

Do you withdraw rather than confront problems or avoid conversations out of fear of
being put down?

Do you usually give in to your partner?

Do you withhold affection or sex? Is it out of resentment?
Intimacy Problems
Intimacy is a challenge for codependents, because they’re afraid of being judged, abandoned, or
smothered, but intimacy is a monumental hurdle for narcissists, because of their belief that being
vulnerable or dependent are signs of weakness. Rather than give up power and control, which
risk exposure of their false persona, many narcissists have short relationships. They can
substitute sex for intimacy and love without much emotional investment. The thought of letting
down their guard to be authentic and get close or become dependent is abhorrent. It not only
limits their options and makes them feel weak, but also exposes them to feelings of rejection and
shame, which they strive to keep from consciousness. Their defenses, which were designed to
keep them safe and pain-free, almost ensure that they won’t feel love or experience real intimacy
beyond companionship or “romantic encounters.” One woman recounted her loneliness and
anger, when immediately after lovemaking her husband spent 15 minutes bragging about
himself.
Additionally, intimacy requires mutuality of interest and understanding. (See the ingredients for
intimacy.) Narcissists can feign interest in their partner as a tactic of seduction during the early
stages of a relationship. Time will tell if their interest can be sustained. Some narcissists don’t
bother with any pretense. One woman described a date with a man who spent the entire time
talking about himself—literally! Oscar Wilde fittingly described a narcissistic attitude: “I’m the
only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
Because of these obstacles to intimacy, in close relationships narcissists are usually the
distancers when more than sex is anticipated. Distance creates a buffer for their weak boundaries.
They devalue the partner they’re with, and seek someone new who’ll admire them and who
appears to meet their perfectionistic expectations. Studies reveal that they show less commitment
to an ongoing romantic relationship.15 Without much ability to empathize, if at all, many
narcissists have little capacity to listen to and care about the needs of others. Because of their
lack of feeling, their sexual responsiveness is limited. They can’t fully let go their need for
control, so they rely more on charm and technique.16 Their partners feel their coldness and miss
having an intimate connection. They may anxiously pursue them, unconsciously replaying the
emotional abandonment from their past. In reality, both narcissists and their partners feel
unlovable. Nevertheless, narcissists cannot see that their partner is giving them the love that they
desire, while their partner cannot see that the narcissist is incapable of giving the love they, too,
desire. They’re both stuck playing out a drama from their childhoods. See “The Dance of
Intimacy.”
Chapter 5
Facing the Truth
You’re likely looking for information and answers because you’ve been in pain or are just fed up
with not getting your needs met in your relationship. You may feel hopeless and powerless to
make changes, but you’re not ready to leave for any number of reasons, including financial or
because of the needs of your children, not to mention love. You may be looking for help in
changing your partner. The reality is that people make changes when they’re sufficiently
motivated to do so.
On the other hand, if you are motivated to make some changes, by doing so, it may have a
positive impact on you and your relationship. As long as you focus on your partner, you ignore
your power to effect change and achieve happiness. Even if you’re being emotionally abused,
you have the power to effect change once the locus of control shifts from the perpetrator to
yourself. Eldridge Cleaver famously said, “If you are not part of the solution, then you are part of
the problem.” This won’t be easy. It will take time and will involve consistent effort and courage
on your part. You will slip back into old habits, but this is part of the process of change. Here are
some facts to consider:

Changing beliefs and habits takes motivation, self-awareness, practice, and considerable
time. Consider your underlying beliefs listed in Chapter 3 and the difficulty you’ll
experience in changing them. It will be even harder for a narcissist who has little insight
and resists accepting responsibility to acknowledge and change his or her beliefs and
behavior.

With a diagnosis of full-blown NPD, it’s less likely that your partner will want to change.
If he or she is capable of insight, is motivated to change, and has fewer narcissistic traits,
there is a much better prognosis.

Narcissists are more likely to change behavior when it benefits them, although it’s not
emanating from a place of empathy and true consideration for you. On the other hand, it
has been shown that people with only some narcissistic traits can learn to empathize.

The prognosis is poor if your partner:
o Is physicall y or chronicall y emotionall y abusive;
o Persistentl y denies all responsibilit y ; or,
o Shows signs of psychopathy, such as illegal behavior, repeated
lying, gross irresponsibilit y, disregard for safet y of self or
others, aggression, or lack of remorse.

People are more motivated to change when they believe that they have something to lose
by not changing and something to gain by changing. This applies to both you and your
partner. What incentives do you have to change? What incentives does your partner
have?

If you’re being physically abused, it’s imperative to protect yourself and your children
and seek counseling immediately. Without intervention, abusers don’t keep their
promises to stop. Read more on “The Truth about Domestic Violence and Abusive
Relationships.”
Think about whether your partner:

Has insight into his or her motives and behavior.

Acknowledges responsibility for his or her behavior.

Is motivated to seek therapy and change.

Cares about the impact of his or her behavior on you and others.

Is dishonest and won’t admit it.

Violates the law or ethical standards without remorse.

Is emotionally abusive without remorse.

Has ever been violent.

Is grossly irresponsible.
You may be asking yourself why you should bother to change if your partner won’t. First, you’ll
be the one initiating change, but that doesn’t mean your partner won’t be changing. Once you
start making changes and are consistent about it, there’s a probability that he or she will change
as a result. You’ll also feel better about yourself. Your relationship may improve, and if it
doesn’t, you will be more empowered to enjoy your life whether you stay or leave. Finally, any
changes you make will serve you in all of your relationships. They will improve your self-esteem
and make you a better partner should you decide to leave. If you’re ready to work on yourself,
read on.
Chapter 6
Step One — Acceptance
Before change is possible, reality must be faced and accepted on its own terms. In practice, this
means that you must learn all you can about narcissism and accept the truth about your
relationship without denial. Acceptance does not mean that you accept being abused or
manipulated.
Denial
Until you see the facts for what they are, you’re handicapped in making changes by denial and
illusions. (Read “Are You in Denial?” and Chapter 4 in Codependency for Dummies) Denial is
one of the main, formidable defenses that partners of narcissists must overcome. You’ve
probably made excuses for your partner and rationalized or minimized his or her behavior.
You’ve denied your own needs and feelings, too. These forms of denial have allowed you to stay
in your relationship and avoid any internal conflicts you have regarding the difficulties of
leaving. Idealization plays a part in this, too. Looking up to your partner helps distract you from
problems in the relationship and the pain you experience. Additionally, you may be in denial, if
you:

Spend time thinking about how you wish things would be in your relationship without
taking action.

Wonder, “If only, he (or she) would . . .?”

Doubt, rationalize, or dismiss your feelings.

Believe repeated broken assurances.

Conceal embarrassing aspects of your relationship.

Hope things will improve when something happens (e.g., a vacation, moving, or getting
married).

Make concessions with the hope that your partner will change.

Spend years waiting for your relationship to improve or your partner to change.

Walk on egg-shells and worry about your partner’s reaction.

Distract yourself from your problems with compulsive behavior, such as dieting or overeating, shopping, exercising, using substances, or work.

Make excuses for your partner or cover up what’s going on in your relationship when
talking to family or friends.

Believe that accommodating a narcissist will win his or her love or approval.

Believe that love can change your partner.

Believe that placating your partner will stop abuse.

Believe that a narcissist will change if you beg or ask enough.

Avoid social engagements because you’re embarrassed about how your partner treats you
or behaves publicly.
Expectations
You may have already requested change and your pleas have been ignored or only half-heartedly
acknowledged. Some people will make changes that you ask of them; others won’t. Expecting
someone to change when he or she continues to disregard your requests is denial. Expectations
lead to disappointment and feelings of hopelessness and resentment. On the other hand, when
you change your words and behavior as suggested in this book, you may witness a reciprocal
change.
To begin, you’ll be more empowered if you have no expectations of your partner. As an analogy,
if you’re betting on a horse, instead of expecting to win, you’d be wise to base your decision on
all the facts at your disposal and to act accordingly. By not expecting your partner to change, you
let go of the hope that he or she will be empathic to your feelings and needs, express praise and
genuine warmth, or not manipulate or take advantage of you. Moreover, expecting a narcissist to
support your changes, put you first, or reliably be there for you is also denial. He or she may not
have that capacity to empathize or may do so only intermittently, and have no interest in
developing empathy or meeting your needs.
However, you’re a much more effective agent for change when you’re based in reality. This may
sound paradoxical, but lowering your expectations may result in change in your partner,
provided you alter your reactions and behavior.

List your expectations of your partner.

Are your expectations reasonable in light of your past experience? It’s reasonable to
expect your partner not to lie to you, but if he or she has in the past, it’s unreasonable to
assume the future will be any different—unless you’ve witnessed clear signs of remorse
and amends and efforts at self-reformation.

List ways you’ve tried to change him or her. What were the consequences?

List ways you’ve tried to change yourself to better the relationship.

How do you feel when you think about accepting the fact that your partner may not
change?

Are you willing to accept your powerlessness over your partner and put effort into
changing yourself?

What is the most important behavioral change you’d like to see happen? What would be
small evidence that it had taken place?
Grieving
Acceptance also entails grieving the dissolution of your illusions and unrealistic hopes for you
and your partner. For example, accepting that your partner is an alcoholic might mean accepting
not only that you cannot get him or her sober, but also that your life together won’t be as you
hope it will and that your partner may actually die from the effects of addiction.
Many partners of narcissists stay in painful relationships because of an unconscious desire to
heal their past relationship with a narcissistic, unavailable, or abusive parent. You may have been
unhappy in your childhood family and yearn to create a better one with your current partner. This
is an unconscious fantasy. Facing that your wished-for outcome won’t happen is doubly sad. It
means not only grieving what you won’t achieve in the present or future, but grieving what you
missed growing up and experiencing the unfelt pain of your childhood. It doesn’t mean you can’t
make a better life or find happiness as an adult. However, expecting a partner with NPD to make
big changes and become vulnerable and empathic, while you continue to be subjected to abuse,
keeps you stuck in an illusion.
Chapter 7
Step Two — Increase Your Awareness
Once you acknowledge that you aren’t going to change your partner, the next phase is to become
clearly aware of the dynamics in your interactions. Dispassionately collect and analyze data as if
you were a fly on the wall, observing both your partner’s and your behavior. If you have any
denial remaining, heightening your awareness will help you get a clearer perspective and prepare
you for action. Keep a journal to record your observations.
Observe Your Partner’s Behavior
For several weeks, jot down some of the following things you notice:

List ways in which your partner devalues you, including your family and friends. For
example, if you’re criticized, dismissed, belittled, called names, blamed, threatened,
undermined, or ignored. Not all abuse is verbal. See my blog, “Emotional Abuse:
Beneath Your Radar,” for more examples of abuse.

List ways in which your partner attempts to dominate or control you and others, for
example:
o Interrupts or blasts you with an onslaught of words or statistics.
o Orders you.
o One-ups you.
o Mentions allies in support of his or her position.
o Makes unilateral decisions that affect you.
o Tells you what opinions to hold.
o Tells you how to dress or whom to associate with.
o Tells you how to behave.
o Restricts your freedom.
o Undermines your friendships.
o Interrogates you about your conversations with others.
o Doesn’t want you to seek outside help or talk to others.
o Restricts your access to finances.

List ways in which your partner manipulates or exploits you and others. There are
numerous ways to manipulate, ranging from playing the victim, threatening, lying,
making false accusations or apologies, raging, or blaming, to seduction and giftgiving.”What is the typical pattern? How does it make you feel? Read, “How to Spot
Manipulation? Email me to get, “12 Strategies to Handle Manipulators.”

What does your partner do when you react passively or aggressively? Does his or her
behavior escalate or diminish? Do you feel better or worse?

What are your partner’s implied or express rules about how he or she wants to be treated?
Observe Yourself
On an ongoing daily basis, record your experience and your feelings.

Notice when you’re made to feel insecure or unloved. What behavior triggered your
feeling, and what was your reaction?

Notice when you feel shame or guilt. What specific behavior triggered your feeling, and
what was your reaction?

Notice when you feel afraid or intimidated. What specific behavior triggered your
feeling, and what was your reaction?

Notice when you feel angry and resentful. What specific behavior triggered your feeling,
and what was your reaction?

Pay attention to what happens inside of you—your physical, sensory feelings and
emotions—.

When you’re abused, dominated, or manipulated, what is your reaction—your thoughts,
words, and behavior? What are your underlying beliefs?

What are your rules about how you want to be treated? How are they communicated?

Do you avoid activities by yourself or plans with friends in order to accommodate your
partner’s needs?

Are giving and receiving balanced in your relationship? If not, how does it make you
feel?

List your needs that are and are not getting met. Do you sacrifice your wants and needs?

Do you believe that your partner’s needs are more important than yours? Why?

Have you changed since you’ve been in this relationship? If so, how?
During this learning period, it’s helpful if you avoid conflict or reacting to provocation. If your
partner says something abusive or provocative, you can merely say, “I hear you. I’ll think about
it.” Notice what happens when you don’t take the bait.
Chapter 8
Step Three — Detach with Love
It’s hard to feel safe when you’re afraid of being criticized. It’s bold to ask for your needs or
share your feelings when they’re ignored or dismissed. It’s painful to hunger for closeness and
never know if or when you might experience it. Feeling unimportant or uncared about are signs
your relationship is out of balance. You want to feel loved and desired, but are insecure. You’re
nervous asking for your partner’s reassurance, help, or cooperation. This emotional insecurity
fosters anxiety and an unhealthy preoccupation with your relationship. Echo died spending her
life trying to get Narcissus’ attention.

Ask yourself whether:
o You try to get your partner’s praise, attention, or validation.
o Your moods depend on your partner’s mood.
o You’re afraid of making a mistake or being criticized.
o You spend time wondering about what your partner is thinking, intending, or
doing.
o You try to analyze your partner’s motives?
o You’re afraid of your partner’s disapproval.
o You have strong emotional reactions to your partner’s opinions, judgments, and
behavior.
Instead of dwelling on your partner and his or her reactions, redirect your efforts to changing
what you can: your behavior (including words) and attitude. This means that you will take your
eyes of your partner and become focused on your feelings, beliefs, and behavior, which are the
only things that you can possibly change.
By understanding your partner’s cognitive and emotional limitations, you’re more able to detach.
At the same time, develop compassion for the frightened and fragile child behind your partner’s
grandiose, needy, and difficult persona.

Practice listening without reacting. If you feel emotionally charged, write about your
feelings, instead of acting on them. See Step Five in Chapter 10 on working with triggers.

In your imagination, picture your partner as a lonely, frightened child. When he or she is
being obnoxious or abusive, see that child up on stage, while you’re in the audience. You
wouldn’t get on stage with the actors, would you?
Despite your relationship troubles, it’s possible to enjoy life, and it’s more probable when you
stop looking to your partner for your happiness.
Advantages of Detaching with Love
Unlike the common misconceptions, it doesn’t mean that you’re indifferent or cold, and it isn’t
based on proximity. You can be detached right next to the person, or very enmeshed and reactive
3,000 miles away. It’s your attitude and state of mind that informs your behavior. Detachment
accrues numerous benefits. Some of the advantages to detaching with compassion are:

You diminish your reactivity.

There is less conflict in the relationship.

You’re more able to truly love your partner.

You become a better listener.

You gain serenity and are less anxious.

You have more time and energy for developing and enjoying yourself.

You’re empowered to build autonomy.
Learning to detach isn’t easy, but with practice you quit taking things personally. Remember,
Q.T.I.P. Your partner is merely trying to protect him or herself and get needs met in the only
manner he or she knows how—just as you want to get your needs met. When you detach, you’re
no longer in reaction mode. Your emotions are no longer dependent upon those of your partner.
Instead, you take charge of yourself, your feelings, and behavior. You get to decide how you’ll
respond. Even when he or she is angry, you can be calm and composed. When you’re angry and
resentful, it fuels conflict, which your partner probably enjoys, but works against you. By not
reacting, both you and your partner assume responsibility for yourselves individually. This is
actually respectful and loving. Thus, detachment affords you peace, freedom, and power—the
power over your own mind, feelings, and self-esteem.
Detachment enables you to get a larger perspective on the interpersonal dynamics of your
relationship. It allows you to be more separate, to fully be yourself. Detachment also frees you
from worry and obsession, which provides you time to develop yourself and engage in rewarding
activities and friendships.
Tips for Detaching
Detachment entails changing your thoughts and actions. Here are some suggestions:

Allow yourself time to think and write about what you’re letting go of and to grieve your
losses, such as your illusions and unrealistic hopes about your relationship.

Repeat the Serenity Prayer, known worldwide and used in Twelve-Step Programs. It
provides wise counsel:
“God, grant me the serenity to
Accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.”

Repeat these mantras:
“Let Go, Let God”
“Live and Let Live”

Remember the three C’s:
You didn’t cause your partner’s illness (addiction, problems).
You can’t control it.
You can’t cure it.

Five Don’t’s:
Don’t watch.
Don’t expect.
Don’t judge.
Don’t obsess.
Don’t react.

Have a Plan B
If your partner is unreliable or often changes his or her mind, be prepared. Don’t react,
causing conflict, which allows your partner to manipulate and verbally abuse you.
Follow through with your prearranged plan anyway or have a back-up plan B that you
can readily execute. This way, you empower yourself and don’t feel like a victim. It
also teaches your partner that you won’t be manipulated by his or her whims. You may
be surprised that you actually enjoy yourself more on your own!
For more suggestions on detachment, get free “14 Tips for Letting Go.” Read Chapter 12 in
Codependency for Dummies.
A Warning about Empathy
Empathy for your partner can easily be misused as a defense to your painful feelings caused by
his or her abusive behavior. Because codependents frequently suffer from black and white
thinking, it may be hard to hold two contradictory thoughts. Empathy for someone doesn’t
excuse abuse and shouldn’t replace empathy for yourself. These are subtle, but very important
distinctions. You can empathize and also not justify, minimize, or rationalize your feelings or
your partner’s actions. Furthermore, compassion shouldn’t be misused to support a false belief
that you can rescue or save him or her through accommodation, self-sacrifice, or love. It’s not
within your power, nor is it your responsibility to change your partner. That belief puts your
focus back on your partner instead of on you. It causes more dysfunction in the relationship and
would be perpetuating your denial and your unhappiness.
Chapter 9
Step Four — Build Your Self-Esteem
Growing up with a parent who is a narcissist, addict, or abuser or having a long term relationship
with one damages your self-esteem and self-confidence. Being ignored, undermined, belittled, or
abused over time negatively influences your beliefs about yourself. If your self-esteem was low
before you entered the relationship, it may have blinded you to unforeseen problems. Building
self-esteem is crucial, because without it, you don’t feel worthy of being treated with respect,
being loved or happy, or getting your needs and wants met. Before you can change the rules with
a narcissist, you must feel entitled to your rights and the respect you deserve.
There following are ways to build self-esteem:

Stop self-sabotaging and self-critical messages. Do the ten steps recommended in 10
Steps to Self-Esteem: The Ultimate Guide to Stop Self-Criticism.

Challenge and revise your destructive underlying beliefs identified in Chapter 3.

Be authentic.

Stay true to your values.

Develop self-acceptance and self-compassion.

Take reasonable risks to try new things.

Learn to be assertive. See Step 6 in Chapter 11.

Develop your skills and talents.

Set and pursue your goals.

Take responsibility for your needs and self-care, including your health and self-nurturing.

Heal any toxic shame stemming from childhood abuse or growing up in a dysfunctional
family. Watch “What is Toxic Shame?”
As partners of abusers and narcissists gain more self-awareness and self-esteem, inevitably, they
reproach themselves for their past behavior. They wonder, “How could I have permitted such
abuse?” Such self-judgment is counterproductive and keeps you stuck in the past. The real
answer lies in understanding your triggers and healing the trauma and beliefs formed in your
childhood.
The following are some exercises to jumpstart your self-esteem:

Pay attention to your inner talk. Write down all negative self-talk at the end of each day.

Support and validate yourself without looking for that from your partner. Practice
encouraging yourself with positive feedback throughout the day.

What are your values? Have you compromised any of them in this relationship?

How would you behave differently if you didn’t allow yourself to be criticized,
discounted, or abused?

How would you behave differently if you believed that you were entitled to be taken
seriously? To not allow manipulation?

How would your life be different if you valued your needs?

What would it feel like to get want you wanted or needed, even if others didn’t like it?

For more on raising self-esteem, see Chapters 9 and 10 in Codependency for Dummies.
Chapter 10
Step Five — Change Your Reactions
When you react, you lose all of your power to another person. To achieve change, you must
begin by not reacting in your same old way and then learn to respond proactively. Responding to
a situation instead of reacting requires you to be thoughtful about what you want, need, and say.
You consider the impact of your words, maintain your boundaries, stay present, and are focused
on what you want to achieve, rather than reacting to the emotions of the other person. That’s a
tall order, which takes practice, but the result is that you communicate more effectively.
Think of your reactions as habits that reflect your personality and past experiences—often from
childhood. They’re also based upon beliefs, which may bear no correlation to the facts. Some
examples of reacting are placating or being silent in the face of abuse. Placating actually invites
more abuse; whereas, firm boundaries and consequences reduce and can eliminate it. Blaming
someone when something goes wrong is another example. It only discharges shame and anger,
without being constructive.
When people blame you for their actions or feelings, such as “It’s your fault that I . . .,” it puts
you in charge of them. It’s as if they were saying, “I can’t control myself (or manage my affairs),
and you have power over what I say and do.” The same applies to you. Blaming your partner
denies your power to make yourself happy, which is your responsibility. If you react by
defending or explaining yourself when you’re criticized, you’re essentially asking for your
partner’s approval. If you criticize or attack when you feel unloved, instead of drawing your
partner closer, you push him or her away.
You’ve collected data on your reactions. Notice that your strongest reactions are when you feel
insecure, anxious, afraid, angry, or hurt. Detachment from these powerful emotions that drive
your reactions may seem insurmountable. It’s likely your partner’s behavior has precipitated a
toxic shame attack in you, because it’s triggered deep feelings of rejection or abandonment.
Shame produces a visceral response of the autonomic nervous system that sets off a flight-fightfreeze reaction, which affects your entire body and mind. It can produce a temporary paralysis so
that you can’t think clearly. It affects your pulse, skin, respiration, and muscle tone. Some people
are more prone to aggression, while others tend to withdraw. (See Conquering Shame and
Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You.)
When you have a powerful reaction, generally it’s because the current situation has provoked a
memory of something from your past, which limits your choices and prevents you from
responding effectively in present time. When your partner blames, criticizes, or manipulates you,
you may react like the scolded child you once were. It may trigger shame about feeling flawed
and unlovable. You will probably rebel or retreat, or try even harder to win his or her approval.
To illustrate, if your partner calls you sloppy, you might not particularly mind, but if your partner
calls you selfish and you were criticized for that as a child, it would hit a nerve, and you might
blow up or feel ashamed and guilty. It might trigger toxic shame, and the natural tendency is to
attack or back off and have self-deprecating thoughts, feelings of inadequacy, alienation, and
depression. Because you’re trapped in a shame reaction, you wouldn’t see that it was your
partner who was actually being selfish and projecting that onto you, perhaps as your selfcentered, critical parent once did. You wouldn’t be able to set a boundary on his or her critical
remark. If one of your parents was domineering, you may react obediently to your partner, as if
to your parent. For example, if he or she cross-examines you, instead of deciding not to answer,
the child in you might automatically answer every question. To refuse to answer wouldn’t occur
to you.
If you were emotionally or physically abandoned as a child, you’ll be hypersensitive to that in
your adult relationships. Due to childhood trauma, you will over-react to your partner if he or she
is unaffectionate, stays out later than expected, ignores you or your feelings, or makes you
jealous. See my blog, “What is Emotional Abandonment?” For example, if your partner’s
behavior triggers feelings of being ignored and abandoned, you might withdraw in hurt or anger,
instead of trying to connect by addressing the lack of connection, stating what you want, or by
being playfully affectionate.
In addition to blaming, placating, apologizing, attacking, or withdrawing, there are other forms
of reacting, including distraction with antics or jokes, playing the martyr, or intellectualizing by
responding with analysis, abstractions, and data.
Here are some exercises to help you change your reactions:

From your observations in Chapter 7, identify your style(s) of reacting. Experiment with
different reactions. How does it make you feel? How does your partner react to the new
you?

How do your thoughts, feelings, and reactions affect your self-esteem?

From your observations, choose one incident where you reacted strongly. Go deep into
your physical and emotional reactions. Exaggerate them in your imagination. Ask
yourself what they remind you of from your past. Visualize and then write about prior
experiences from childhood when you felt and reacted similarly. What does your body
want to do—run, fight, hide? Allow yourself to do this in your imagination. What do you
wish would have happened? If it’s to clobber an abusive adult in your life, see yourself
doing that. If you wish for protection, imagine a loving, trustworthy adult (your adult self
or another trustworthy adult from the present or past) entering the scene and advocating
on your behalf and protecting you. If you wish for comfort, imagine that adult (which
might be a loving parent) nurturing you.

Thinking over your past experience, what beliefs did you form about yourself and
relationships at that time? For example:
“I’m bad, and no one will love me.”
“I’m all alone, and no one can help me.”

How do your beliefs from the past inform your current perceptions and behavior? What
would be more accurate and constructive thoughts and beliefs? For example:
“My parents’ words and actions reflected their own problems. I was an
innocent child, acting like all children do. I have positive and negative traits
like everyone and am just as worthy of love.”
“I’m an adult now and have friends and relatives to whom I can talk. I can get
help from professionals and other people, if I ask.”

Imagine that your partner throws you a ball of fire that represents anger or verbal abuse.
See yourself dropping the ball and walking away. If you catch the ball, you’re accepting
your partner’s pain. If you throw it back, your hands are still burned, and your pain
increases with each toss. You have a choice not to play that game.
Chapter 11
Step Six — Be Assertive
Assertiveness and self-esteem go hand-in-hand. They’re both learned in childhood. In fact, you
can gauge people’s self-esteem by the way they communicate. Codependents have low selfesteem and dysfunctional communication learned in their families, where the communication
style was probably passive and/or aggressive. Healthy, assertive communication can be learned.
Being assertive raises your self-esteem, and vice-versa.
A big challenge to assertiveness is maintaining your composure without reacting to the other
person. As you read in Step Five in Chapter 10, reactions are triggered by emotions. When
you’re assertive, you respond and don’t react. Responding instead of reacting requires you to
keep your emotions under control. You stay present and in charge of your communication.
You’re able to think about what you want, what you’re saying, and are able say it assertively.
The stronger your self-esteem, the more confident and sure of yourself you can be.
Elements of Assertiveness
You may think being assertiveness is aggressive, but that’s untrue. Assertive communication is
respectful, courteous, and calm, while at the same time, firm. The purpose of communication is
to impart honest information and feelings, not to vent, avenge, or scold. When you’re being
assertive, there’s no need to raise your voice.
Assertiveness requires you to take a position. When someone blames or criticizes you, that’s not
taking a position, it’s aggression. Assertiveness entails taking responsibility for yourself and
asserting your opinions, thoughts, feelings, and needs. Using “I” messages is the cornerstone of
assertive communication. It doesn’t include analyzing or judging someone. Instead, it requires
that you stand up for yourself. This can be difficult, not only because it challenges your fears and
anxieties, but also because you must know what you think, need, want, and feel.
In addition to conciseness, assertiveness requires directness. Indirectness is unclear, vague, and
nonassertive. For instance, a simple “Yes,” or “No,” is a complete, concise, clear, and direct
assertive statement.
Listening is an essential part of good communication. If you want to be listened to and if you
want to hear the truth, you must be willing to listen, and wait your turn to respond.
It’s crucial when communicating with a super-sensitive narcissist that you avoid blame or
criticism. Otherwise, you’ll escalate conflict and soon be on the defensive. Nor are passivity and
concessions helpful in dealing with demands or abuse. Bad behavior must be confronted
assertively.
Before you can address the problems in your relationship assertively, you need to be able to
identify and your feelings and needs. (See Chapter 9 in Codependency for Dummies.)
When you’re ready to say what you want, feel, think, or need, write it down to be sure you’re
only making “I” statements. You can practice aloud. Be aware of your nonverbal communication
that conflicts with your words. Remember not to explain or justify. Make eye-contact and don’t
fidget, but remain calm.

Practice identifying your feelings and needs every day.

Journal about your feelings during interactions with people each day.

Analyze your communication. Were you authentic? Do you use “I” statements? Did you
take positions?

Write about fears that stop you from being honest.

How honest are you with your partner? If you remained silent or misrepresented your
truth, how did that make you feel? What was the consequence?

On the other hand, did you interrupt, accuse, criticize, or blame? How did your partner
react? Did your behavior get you what you wanted? How did that make you feel? What
was the consequence?

Are you a good listener? Are you thinking about your response before the other person
has finished? Does your partner listen to you? If not, what feelings are triggered in you?

Are you more or less assertive with people other than your partner? What is the
difference?
Useful Phrases
In the beginning, practice active listening. You can also ask for clarification and repeat back the
words spoken to you. This can make a powerful impact and can often diffuse arguments, because
it shows your partner that he or she has made an impact—something unlikely in childhood.
It’s always helpful to take time to think when your usual reactions are being triggered. If you
need a time-out, let your partner know that his or her feelings matter to you and that after more
consideration, you’d like to talk about the issue later (say when).
Other useful phrases to deal with put-downs, blame, or being pressured are:
“I hear you’re saying (repeat it),” and reply, “I see,” and walk away.
“I know (spell it out) is important to you. I need to think things over and consider the
impact on both of us and our relationship.”
“Thank you for your (offer, request, input, suggestion), but I think not.”
“Thank you, but that doesn’t work for me.”
“Now is not a good time for me.”
“I’ll think it over.” (This may just postpone setting another boundary, and shouldn’t be
used if you really want to say, “No.”)
“I know your upset about ____, but don’t blame me.” (Walk away, or, if appropriate, you
can redirect the discussion toward finding a solution.”
When criticized, you can agree to the part that's true. “Yes, I burned the dinner,” and
ignore, “You're a rotten cook.”
“I don't like it when you criticize me. Please stop,” and walk away. (Don’t explain or
argue.)
“I'm not going to talk to you when you (describe the abuse, e.g., “raise your voice,”
“belittle me”). Then walk away.
“I don't see it that way,” or, “We just disagree.”
“I guess I’ll never be a good enough wife (husband, son, daughter) that you hoped for.”
“You’re right. I’m not perfect.”
“Why don’t you take your own car, and I’ll meet you there.”
If you’re good at it, humor is a great solvent for intense emotions. For example, “You're
very cute when you get annoyed.”
Ask for What You Want
You’ve identified your needs, but it may be harder to identify what you really want. Do you ever
wonder how your partner never hesitates to ask or even demand that his or her needs and wants
be fulfilled, while yours go unspoken, ignored, or dismissed? Maybe at some point you stopped
asking; perhaps, even long before you two met. Self-denial may be so natural that you believe
that if you asked for what you want, you’d be considered selfish. That concern doesn’t stop a
narcissist. By squelching your needs and wants, you become more unhappy and resentful.
Some needs you can meet yourself, such as physical, intellectual, and spiritual needs. You can
also become financially self-supporting and get some social and emotional needs met by friends
and others. However, we have needs for sex and intimacy that are best filled by an intimate
partner. Remember that a narcissist has an aversion to being open and vulnerable. Depending
upon the severity of your partner’s symptoms, intimacy might be limited to sex or spending quiet
time together. However, if you’re going to stay in this relationship, you owe it to your partner to
communicate your needs and desires, and you owe it yourself to at least try to have them
fulfilled. Then you’ll know what you can expect from your relationship, but you can’t expect
him or her to read your mind or intuit your gestures. When I tell this to couples, some women
object, saying, “If I have to tell him, it doesn’t count.” My response is, “Isn’t it wonderful that he
cares enough to be willing to listen to you and make the effort to change his behavior in order to
make you happy?”
More than most people, a narcissist is highly defended and lacks empathy for others’ needs and
feelings, so that your assertiveness needs to be especially attuned to him or her as well as to
yourself. Remember that your goal is to communicate in a way that will motivate change not
conflict. It’s not about proving that you’re right and that your partner is wrong or to blame. In
asking for what you want, use the following 8-step outline:
1. Describe your partner’s behavior.
2. Describe how it makes you feel individually.
3. Describe how it makes you feel about your partner and about the relationship.
4. Request the desired behavior.
5. Describe how you will feel individually if your partner makes the change you want.
6. Describe how you will feel toward you partner and about the relationship if he or she
makes the change you want.
7. Give your partner support for making the change.
8. Provide positive feedback for compliance.
Complete the following exercises utilizing the above 8-step outline, described in more detail
below:

Write what you need and want in your relationship in the form of requests.

Experiment with giving your partner positive reinforcement for behavior that you want.
Whenever he or she happens to do or say something you appreciate, enthusiastically
communicate that you notice and are pleased about it. For example:
“Thank you. It makes me very happy when you compliment how I look.”
“I’m very grateful that you’re so generous.”
“I appreciate it that you’re taking the time to help me solve this problem.”

Prioritize your needs and wants. Select one or two that you’d like to discuss with your
partner. For Example:
“I’m sure that it wasn’t your intention, but I’ve been unhappy (insert your specific
feelings) because of ______.” Be specific about what behavior he or she is doing or
not doing and how it makes you feel.
Don’t label your partner (e.g., mean, cold, self-centered), which puts him or her on the
defensive. Your goal is to encourage him or her to listen to you. For example:
“I’m sure you don’t intend this, but when you turn on the light to read during the
night, I wake up and can’t get back to sleep. When I ask you to turn it off, you refuse.
I’m tired the next day, and I become angry and resentful, because I’m not rested and
because my request and needs were ignored. I know you like to read in bed, but I have
needs, too.”

Then state how the behavior affects your feelings about your partner and the relationship.
Don’t blame, but share your feelings. For example:
“When you wake me up and ignore my requests, I feel that I and my needs are
unimportant to you. In my own mind I imagine that you don’t care about me. Then I
feel not only angry, but also hurt, disconnected from you, and lonely. I start to get
hopeless about our relationship.” (The italicized sentence contains a “you” statement,
but the speaker takes responsibility for the hypothesis by saying I imagine that. . .)

Ask for what you want. Specifically describe the behaviors you’d like to see. When you
complain, and say, “You didn’t (or worse, “never”) do X,” you sound like a victim, and
the listener will feel criticized and tune you out or react defensively. Don’t say only what
you don’t want. It’s more powerful and effective to state exactly what you do want. Make
it concrete and visual. For example:
“Once we’re asleep, please don’t turn on the reading light. I understand if you wake up
and feel that you must read to get back to sleep. In order that we both can get our
needs met, I’d appreciate it if you would use a flashlight or go into the other room to
read or sleep.”

Then let your mate know how compliance will make you feel individually and also about
him or her and the relationship. This gives you partner incentive. Describe how loving
(happy, grateful, impressed) you’ll be when he or she makes the change you want. For
example:
“This is really important to me, and if you’re willing to compromise on this, it would
make me very glad. I’d feel respected. I’d also feel like being closer to you, because
I’d feel cared about. And because I’d see that you took my request seriously and made
an effort to compromise, I’d be more inclined to happily accommodate your needs and
requests, too.”

Reassure your partner that you know he or she can do this. Give examples of changes in
the past of how he or she has treated you or others or accomplished specific goals. For
example:
“I know you can do this because I noticed that some nights you leave the bedroom and
read in the living room. Sometimes, when you awake during the night, you don’t read
at all, but you fall back to sleep.”

If your partner complies, let him or her know you appreciate it. Communicate the positive
consequences that you promised. Say and demonstrate that you feel closer and want to
accommodate his or her needs, too. For example:
“Thanks for sleeping on the couch. It meant a lot to me that you considered my needs.
Would you like me to make you breakfast?”
“I really appreciate your telling me what happened at work today. It helps me to
understand the pressure you’re under and feel closer to you.”
The above script may seem long and tedious. It’s designed to communicate exactly what you
want and don’t want and to provide incentives for making change. You’re being careful not to
put your partner on the defensive. It’s also demonstrating that his or her behavior has an impact
on you and that it then has a boomeranging effect. Remember that narcissists need to be
enlightened about the impact of their behavior, because they lack empathy. They learned that
they were either bad or wonderful, without getting specific feedback about their actions. When
they learn that pleasing you in the long run benefits them, they’re more likely to try to do so—
but you have to spell out the steps. It doesn’t come naturally.
The Importance of Boundaries
Once you’ve mastered being assertive, you’re ready to attempt the more difficult task of setting
boundaries. To help you understand and identify your boundaries, read “The Power of Personal
Boundaries.”
Boundaries are especially important in close relationships where inevitable conflicts of needs
arise. In fact, love cannot exist without boundaries—even between parents and children.
Relationships with narcissists or where there’s abuse are characterized by weak boundaries. An
abuser violates your boundaries, because you don’t enforce them.
Setting boundaries isn’t meant to punish, but is imperative for your well-being and protection.
Resentment, passive-aggressive behavior, or anger on your part indicates that action is required.
If you feel resentful, used, unappreciated, exploited, or burned out, you probably haven’t been
setting boundaries. If certain behavior causes you hurt, mistrust, or anger, let your partner know.
This is being responsible to you and to your relationship. When you passively set a boundary by
withdrawing communication or affection, you contribute to relationship dissatisfaction, and it
doesn’t solve the problem. When boundaries are repeatedly violated, trust and goodwill are
undermined, the relationship suffers, and you feel unloved or exploited. By not saying anything
while harboring negative feelings, you’re being dishonest and risk erecting emotional walls that
destroy intimacy and love.
Give Yourself Permission to Set Limits
Codependents typically feel guilty saying, “No,” and they often feel resentful when they say,
“Yes.” Telling someone, “No,” especially in close relationships, brings up anxiety. If this is true
for you, it’s because you weren’t allowed to set boundaries in your family growing up. The
fundamental belief is that others’ needs and wants are more than your own. You may not believe
that you have a right to say, “No” to what your partner or other people want or ask of you. If you
incorrectly believe that people will love and like you if you’re always agreeable, underneath, you
don’t feel likable or lovable for who you are. It indicates that you need validation from others to
feel worthy.
People-pleasing neither helps you, nor your relationships. Kindness and helpfulness are
wonderful traits when they’re not continually at the expense of your own needs, wants, or
feelings. When you feel guilty asserting them, you risk becoming a “doormat.” Being always
available to help others or being the “go to” person on the job also ensures being needed so that
you won’t be abandoned or fired, but there’s a price to pay in how you feel about yourself and
others.
Even if you feel guilty, that doesn’t mean you are guilty. Your feelings and needs are of equal
importance to those of someone else. Remember, even if you can do what’s asked, that doesn’t
mean you must. You have a right to your preferences.

Think about times you said, “Yes,” when you wanted to say, “No?” What motivated you?

Recall if there were times you said, “No,” and you felt guilty?

What were your needs? What were the other person’s needs?

Write about what makes you believe your partner’s wants, feelings, or needs are more
important than yours.
It takes time and practice to learn to value your needs and feelings and to be able to set
boundaries without feeling guilty. When an uncomfortable request or demand is made of you, try
saying, “I’ll think about it.” This gives you the time to consider our feelings, needs, and wants,
and the consequences of our choices. I recommend reading more about assertiveness and
answering the questions and steps outlined in How to Speak Your Mind—Become Assertive and
Set Limits to ascertain and communicate your boundaries and bottom line. Keep in mind that you
can’t set a boundary and take care of someone else at the same time.
Set Boundaries
When your partner is being physically or emotionally abusive, blaming, or domineering, he or
she is violating your boundaries. People who behave that way are trying to exercise power over
you. They aren’t interested in communicating. Therefore, trying to reason or explain yourself is
not only a waste of time, but in doing so, you give them more power. Before any discussion of
the substantive facts or issue, you must address the matter of the boundary violation. If you
ignore this principle, your partner has already won and will feel entitled to continue violating
your boundaries.
Setting boundaries is an advanced form of assertiveness. You may feel anxious or guilty about
setting a boundary, but remember that your relationship suffers when you’re unhappy. Once you
get practice setting boundaries, you become empowered and feel less anxiety, resentment, and
guilt. Generally, you receive more respect, and your relationship improves. You no longer feel
like a victim. You build self-esteem and integrity, even if it might cost the relationship.
To establish boundaries, you must know what you feel and believe you have rights. Do you
believe you have a right to respect? A right to be listened to? A right to fidelity?

Make a list of your rights.

Identify which ones make up your bottom line boundaries—that are non-negotiable, such
as, a right to nonviolence.

What behaviors (including words) of your partner violate your boundaries? Be specific.
(Review your journal entries in Step Two in Chapter 7.) How does it make you feel about
yourself? How does it make you feel about your partner and about your relationship?

What benefits will there be to you and your relationship if you set a boundary?
Boundary setting can apply to simple encounters where all that’s needed is for you to assert your
position. Examples include statements, such as saying:
“No.”
“I don't take responsibility for that.”
“I don't want to listen to (or discuss) that.”
“I don't see it that way.”
“That’s your opinion.”
When someone is violating your boundaries, you might use words to curb their behavior, such
as:
“Stop it.”
“I don’t like that.”
“Cut it out.”
“Don’t call me names.”
“Please don’t . . .”
There’s an art to setting boundaries. If it’s done in anger or with criticism or nagging—“I’ve told
you 100 times . . . ,” you won’t be heard. Boundaries are most effective when you’re assertive,
calm, firm, and courteous. Speak in a matter-of-fact tone. Don’t invite questions that encourage a
response and more discussion, unless you’re trying to compromise on a matter. When it comes to
abuse, your boundaries aren’t negotiable. You can repeat what you said, and state, “I have
nothing more to say on this topic.” Get more tips on setting boundaries in How to Speak Your
Mind—Become Assertive and Set Limits.
Before setting boundaries, think through the effect it will have on you and on your relationship if
you do or if you don’t set them. Then use the above 8-step formula for asking for what you want.
Remember to be specific in describing behavior you want and don’t want.
Take the High Road
Your goal is to avoid making your partner defensive, so that he or she will listen to your needs
and feelings and appreciate that your relationship requires reciprocity. As they say, “It takes two
to tango.” If you react and conflict escalates, you not only lose an opportunity to initiate change,
you’ll also defeat your objective, feel more negative emotions, and give your partner reasons to
justify his or her unwanted behavior.
More so than with other people, when setting boundaries with a narcissist, it’s especially
necessary to communicate that you understand what the he or she wants or needs and that you
appreciate its importance. You’re taking preventative action. You can add variations of the
following modified with your own words to fit the situation at hand:
“I know what you want is important to you and that what I’m saying is
upsetting, but we both have responsibilities in our relationship. How we talk to
each other is important, too. I’d appreciate it if you’d be more ______
(cooperative, helpful, thoughtful, considerate, gentle when you speak to me,
etc.).”
“I think you don’t intend to hurt me, but sometimes, I feel ______ (criticized,
scolded, ignored, etc.) when you _______. I’m very saddened that you act
(speak) without regard for my feelings—even when it has a negative effect on
me and on us, because frankly, even though I care about you and your feelings,
when you don’t seem to care about mine, it’s difficult for me to feel ________
(considerate, loving, kindly, sexual, tenderness) toward you. It’s just not okay
for you to _______. (Be specific: belittle me, order me, put me down, roll your
eyes, make unkind jokes about me, use that tone of voice, etc.). I’d like you to
________ (state what you want in the affirmative: look at me when I talk to
you, ask me politely, speak to me with respect, lower your voice, etc.). ”
Here are some other examples of openers:
“I understand that _____is very important to you.”
“I love and care about you.”
“I’m sorry that I______; however . . .” Only apologize for things you actually
take responsibility for, such as, blaming, breaking an agreement or forgetting
something.
“I see the problem this created for you.”
“I know that you have other things on your mind.”
“I know that you’re under a lot of stress right now.”
Create Consequences
People often say they’ve set a boundary, but it didn’t help. See “10 Reasons Why Boundaries
Don’t Work.” If making repeated requests doesn’t work, you need to communicate consequences
to encourage compliance. My mother always said, “Actions speak louder than words.” This is
absolutely true when dealing with a narcissist or any uncooperative person, including toddlers!
You may believe what your partner says, but he or she will only believe what you do.
Thus, there’s a good chance that a narcissist will ignore your verbal boundary. If it happens
twice, this in itself is a new unacceptable behavior, which should also be addressed. Overlooking
being ignored condones it. Bring it out in the open with a gentle reminder. For example:
“I’ve asked you to please not leave your dirty clothes on the floor, but you
ignored my request. Maybe you forgot, but when you just ignore me, in my
mind I imagine that my needs don’t matter to you, which both saddens me and
makes me angry. I don’t feel like being close or listening to you any longer, if
you refuse to listen to me. (Make this specific to your feelings.) But when you
consider my needs, too, I feel_____. (Add language about the positive impact
of honoring your requests per the 8-step formula, above.)
When continued requests are ignored, it’s time to initiate consequences. This will take courage
on your part, but remember consequences are for your well-being and not to punish anyone.
Think about a consequence for when your partner ignores your request. It might be how you’re
going to feel, an action you might take, or the natural consequence of his or her failure to listen
to you. If the consequence is an action or inaction on your part, you must be willing to follow
through. Hence, it’s essential that you never threaten a consequence that you’re not fully
prepared to carry out. It’s imperative that you don’t make empty threats. Maybe you did that in
the past. It encourages the unwanted behavior.
Move slowly, and choose a reasonable consequence that you can both comfortably carry out and
stay connected to you partner—unless you’re willing to end the relationship. You can first
address the fact that you’ve been ignored, by stating how that affects you and the consequences
to your relationship, as above. For example:
“I’ve asked you several times to please not leave your dirty clothes on the
floor, but you continue to ignore my requests. I’m starting to feel ________
(insignificant to you, disrespected, hopeless about our relationship). Our
relationship has to work for both of us, where we both feel respected and that
our needs matter. If it happens again, they’ll stay where you left them.”
You can start with a simple consequence. If that doesn’t work, escalate consequences, such as,
“I’m going to hire a maid,” or “I’m no longer willing to wash your clothes.” Ideally
consequences are the natural effects of the other person’s behavior. For example, “Next time,
you’re not ready, I’ll leave in my car without you,” or “If you’re late to the restaurant, I’ll wait
ten minutes and then order (or leave).
It’s important that you hold your partner accountable—something new for you and something
perhaps few other people do. Keep in mind that you’re not punishing tit for tat, but guiding and
educating your partner about the natural consequences of one-sided behavior, emphasizing that
cooperation is a two-way street that benefits you both.
Expect Pushback and Slips
Narcissists and abusers will ordinarily resist boundary setting and often become defensive when
anyone says, “No,” or asserts a position that is contrary to what they want. They are used to
making the rules, but not respecting them. They may experience your rule-setting as criticism or
loss of power. Expect continued pushback on your limits. Your partner may try to manipulate
you to go back to your permissive ways. He or she might even have a tantrum and go on the
offensive.
Compare setting boundaries and consequences to training a dog or young child. It may take
many repetitions of taking a position with negative consequences applied before the unwanted
behavior is extinguished and new habits are formed. If a toddler begs for candy when taken
marketing, and his mother says, “No,” he might throw a tantrum. After a few shopping trips like
this, she might institute a consequence. After a while, the child will learn that his mother won’t
be manipulated by a tantrum, and he’ll stopping asking for candy. But if she relents, she can be
sure he’ll start all over crying and begging for candy if he sees that tears change her mind.
When your partner reacts emotionally, it may tempt you to do so, as well. When you do, you
lose. Remain calm and assertive. If you cave under continual pressure, threats, or other tactics,
your partner is back in control. He or she has learned that you will bend and your interests can be
ignored. You must be steadfast. When you’re certain about your boundary, others will listen.
Threats are abusive. One way to deal with them is to hand back the choice to the abuser, since
you’ve already stated a consequence. “It’s up to you,” and walk away. However, threats of
physical violence should be taken very seriously. Get outside help immediately, including legal
advice, if you’ve been harmed.
Good parenting includes rewarding good behavior. Just as in the above example of the boy, the
mother might reward her son with loving words for his good behavior, saying, “I really enjoy
taking you places when you behave and don’t cry.” It’s the same with your partner.
Remember you’re educating an immature adult, so more than ever, it’s necessary to reinforce
compliance and any signs of effort.
“I know you’ve made an effort to be more _______ (helpful, caring,
respectful). I’ve noticed and appreciate your changes.”
Expect slips, because changing behavior will be even harder for your partner than it is for you! If
you see that he or she is trying, you might joke about a slip and praise his or her effort.
Points to Remember
Remember these guidelines:

Boundaries are not to punish, but are meant to protect and help you.

Avoid becoming angry or judgmental. No matter what, refuse to fight.

Be calm and compassionate, remembering that a narcissist is afraid and vulnerable.

Your attitude must be educative, not punitive.

You’re establishing new ground rules for reciprocity in your relationship.

Go slow, escalating consequences, but only those you’re ready to carry out.

Expect pushback. This is natural, so don’t give up or become discouraged.

Get outside support to give you courage, and get help if there is physical, emotional, or
verbal abuse.

Give positive reinforcement for behavior you want and positive feedback in words and
actions for compliance.
Chapter 12
Step Seven — Nurture Yourself
You’ve probably been frustrated that you’ve repeatedly and unsuccessfully tried to get
understanding and nurturing. In addition to physical nourishment, including gentle touch, care,
and food, we have the following emotional needs:

Love

Play

Respect

Encouragement

Understanding

Acceptance

Empathy

Comfort

Reliability

Guidance
By all means, experiment with asking your partner to meet these needs pursuant to the guidelines
set forth in Step 6 in Chapter 11, but you may still feel like you’re trying to squeeze water from a
stone. There’s a saying in Al-Anon Family Groups, “Don’t go to the hardware store for milk.”
This has been your pattern. Remember that the Serenity Prayer counsels, “Accept the things I
cannot change,” and “Change the things I can.”
Although ideally you want more emotional needs met by your partner, if you’re committed to
staying in your relationship, then it’s your responsibility to yourself to meet your needs in other
ways. Stop looking to your partner to provide what he or she can’t or won’t, and do what is
within your power in this step and the next to nurture yourself by other means. Even in the best
relationships, self-responsibility includes self-love and self-nurturing. If fact, it’s up to us to be
our own parent and meet these emotional needs, irrespective of whether we’re in a relationship.
If you decide you’d rather leave and be single, you still must nurture yourself. Of course, there
are times when we need support, touch, understanding, and encouragement from others.
However, the more you practice self-nurturing, the better your relationships will be. This is a
healthy response to acceptance of things you cannot change.
Your Support System
Sustaining friendships outside your relationship is essential to maintaining a healthy partnership.
It’s unrealistic to expect anyone to share all your interests or meet all your needs for
companionship, support, and closeness. Additionally, seek the services of a professional to
support you in building self-esteem, learning effective, assertive communication, and in taking
risks to improve your relationship.
If you’re being abused, there’s a tendency, due to shame, to want to hide what’s going on from
family and friends. Some cultures also encourage this. Your partner may have even threatened
you not to talk to anyone about what’s going on. It’s imperative that you nonetheless reach out
for support. Remaining silent about abuse perpetuates the problem. You need to get help,
understand your options, and ensure your safety. In case of violence, keep handy this number of
a 24-hr. national hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Get the numbers of other services, including
local shelters and the police in your town.
Twelve-Step meetings can play an important role in helping you change your habits and
attitudes. Codependence Anonymous has a meeting directory online. If your partner is an addict,
there may be other Twelve-Step programs that are specific to your situation, such as Al-Anon
Family Groups, Gam-Anon, or Nar-Anon for relatives and partners of alcoholics, gamblers, or
drug addicts, respectively.
Self-Acceptance
Self-acceptance works wonders. It includes honoring your feelings and needs, accepting your
appearance and shortcomings, and self-forgiveness to overcome guilt about the past. Once you
start accepting yourself, you gradually stop worrying what others think and become more
spontaneous and natural. Self-acceptance is what allows you to be authentic. You can finally
relax and allow more of the inner, real you to be seen. You’ll have no shame or fear of revealing
yourself when you accept yourself unconditionally. This is the key to intimacy and spiritual
relationships and enables you to accept others.
Self-Love
Self-love is more than just a word. It requires patience, awareness, and action. When you love
someone, you try to understand their experience and world view, although it differs from your
own. You offer your attention, respect, support, compassion, and acceptance. Your caring
involves knowledge, responsibility, and commitment.
You may find it easier to love others than it is for you to love yourself. Self-love includes
compassion for yourself that enables you to witness your feelings, thoughts, and actions with
understanding, acceptance, and caring, just as you would when empathizing with a loved one.
It’s expressed with gentleness, tenderness, and generosity of spirit—the opposite of selfcriticism, perfectionism, and pushing yourself. Self-compassion differs from self-pity, which is
an angry judgment about your situation or feelings. Rather than acceptance, self-pity says, “It
shouldn’t be this way.”
When most people are stressed or overwhelmed, they attempt to do even more, instead of caring
for themselves. If you weren’t nurtured as a child, self-nurturing can be challenging to learn as
an adult, but it can be absorbed in therapy over time. You’ll learn to be with your feelings and
integrate and emulate the acceptance and empathy you receive. The capacity to witness and
contain your emotions is also acquired in psychotherapy.
Psychoanalyst Eric Fromm states that self-love entails the faith and courage to take risks and
overcome life’s setbacks and sorrows. Faith in yourself enables you to comfort yourself and face
challenges and failures without lapsing into worry or judgment. You develop the ability to see
yourself objectivity and know that you’ll survive, despite present emotions. If you constantly
seek validation and reassurance from others, you miss the opportunity to develop these internal
functions. Because knowledge is pre-requisite to love, spending time alone with yourself is
essential to developing the ability to identify and listen to your feelings with sensitivity and
empathy. However, if you always suffered alone as a child, doing so as an adult merely repeats
the abandonment trauma from your past. Instead, you need to share your pain with someone you
trust.
Perhaps you’ve concluded that learning self-love isn’t easy. Consider the fact that you have an
opportunity to learn self-love all the time. Throughout the day, you’re confronted with many
opportunities to either disregard or attune to your feelings, to judge or to honor them, to abandon
yourself or keep commitments and be responsible to yourself, and to ignore or meet your needs,
values, and feelings. Every time you talk yourself down, doubt yourself, exhaust yourself,
dismiss your feelings or needs, or act against your values, you undermine your self-esteem. The
reverse is also true. You might as well make healthier choices, because you, your life, and all
your relationships will benefit. For more tips see, “Affirming Your Authentic Self.”
Self-Nurturing
There are many aspects to self-care. Of course, nurture yourself with healthy food and sufficient
sleep and exercise. Allow yourself leisure time that’s not goal oriented and time for pursuing
interests, hobbies, and socializing. Develop a spiritual practice to nurture yourself spiritually
through prayer, spiritual reading, meditation, martial arts, or other daily practice.
You can nurture yourself through doing something creative, whether it’s cooking, woodworking,
sewing, painting, or dancing. Make time for play and pleasure, which are antidotes to both
physical and emotional pain. (Read “The Healing Power of Pleasure.”) Pleasure is enhanced
through enjoyment of the senses, including self-touch or massage, listening to music, looking at
art, aromatherapy, spending time in nature, and taking time to literally “smelling the roses.” Here
are more suggestions:

Create a playlist of the most uplifting or relaxing music for your digital devices.

Attend a meditation group. Practice focusing on your breath or counting your exhales.

Take weekly walks in nature.

Spend time doing hobbies and activities you enjoyed as a child.

Do a creative activity with a friend.

Take a class doing something you enjoy.

Do something playful with a friend.

Spend time playing with a pet.

Make a list of fun activities and spend a few hours each week doing one.

When you have uncomfortable feelings, put your hand on your chest, and say aloud,
“You’re (or I’m) feeling ____.” (e.g., angry, sad, afraid, lonely). This accepts and honors
your feelings.

If you have difficulty identifying your feelings, pay attention to your inner dialogue.
Notice your thoughts. Do they express worry, judgment, despair, resentment, envy, hurt,
or wishing? Notice your moods. Are you irritable, anxious, or blue? Try to name your
specific feelings. (“Upset” and “bad” aren’t specific feelings.) Do this several times a day
to increase your recognition of feelings. You can find lists of hundreds of feelings online.

Meeting your needs is good parenting. Think and/or write about the cause for your
uncomfortable feelings and what you need to make you feel better.

If you’re angry or anxious, practice yoga, martial arts, or meditation. Doing something
active is ideal for releasing anger.

Practice simple breathing exercises. Slowing your breath slows your brain and calms
your nervous system. Exhale 10 times making a hissing (“sss”) sound with your tongue
behind your teeth.

Give yourself comfort by writing a supportive letter to yourself. Write what an ideal
parent would say.

Have a warm drink. Studies show this actually elevates your mood.

Swaddle your body in a blanket or sheet like a baby. This is soothing to your body and
nervous system.

Write a list of things you’re grateful for each day, and read it to a friend.

Throughout the day, praise, compliment, and encourage yourself. Your brain makes no
distinction whether validation comes from you or someone else.
For more self-nurturing tips, watch my video, “3 Exercises for Self-Love, Confidence, and
Relaxation,” and read, “10 Tips for Self-Love.”
Overcoming self-criticism is prerequisite to self-acceptance and self-love. (See 10 Steps to SelfEsteem: The Ultimate Guild to Stop Self-Criticism.) It includes exercises for each step. If you
continue to have problems with self-esteem, self-forgiveness, and self-acceptance, the culprit is
probably underlying toxic shame that goes back to childhood and predisposes you to selfloathing, guilt, depression, or generally feeling bad about yourself. Learn more about healing
shame and consider getting individual psychotherapy.
Chapter 13
Step Eight — Become Autonomous
People who control their lives and destinies are happier and more successful. They report higher
levels of psychological health and social functioning and have an increased sense of well-being
and self-esteem.
Autonomy
Across cultures, autonomy is a fundamental human need. The word “autonomy” comes from the
combination of two Latin words, self and law. Construed together, it means that you govern your
own life and that you endorse your actions. Although you’re still influenced by outside factors,
all things considered, your behavior reflects your choice.
When you value yourself, you’re more able to claim your autonomy. It’s a feeling of both
individuality and wholeness that permits you to feel separate when in a relationship and complete
when on your own. Rather than feeling like a victim of others’ actions or fate, you’re motivated
from within and believe that your efforts generate results—for better or worse. Both belief and
experience then enable you to function autonomously.
You feel independent and are able to say, “No,” to pressure from others. Your actions are
determined by your beliefs, needs, and values, which give you more control over your thoughts
and emotions. It’s the opposite of being a rebel or people-pleaser. Neither a pleaser’s nor a
rebel’s thoughts and actions are autonomous. Pleasers comply and rebels oppose an outside
authority. The result is that rebels become controlled by it. Actually, autonomy allows you to
listen non-defensively and modify your views to incorporate new information.
Locus of Control
When you grow up in an environment where your feelings and desires are ignored or criticized
or your voice and actions don’t have an impact, you can lose motivation and develop a sense of
futility—a “what’s the use” attitude. You start to talk yourself out of taking self-initiated actions
that aren’t in reaction to another person or organization. This shows that your “locus of control”
is external. You may even believe that you’re controlled by fate or outside forces, e.g., fate or
your partner. Your inner voice may in fact represent the internalized voice of a parent who talked
you out of what you wanted. As a result, you feel powerless to achieve your goals and influence
your life. See an online quiz here.
Of course, a narcissist wants to be the decision-maker and the center of control and of your
focus. Without autonomy, you’re controlled by what others do, say, think, and feel. You adapt
accordingly. You react to and worry about your partner’s expectations and reactions and defer to
his or her opinion. You might have difficulty making decisions and taking action on your own.
Instead, you’re easily influenced and seek out others’ opinions. This attitude reflects a passive
stance toward your life and stems from and reinforces low self-esteem. Lack of autonomy and
self-esteem can cause many symptoms, such as stress, addiction, domestic violence, and
emotional abuse, communication problems, worry and anxiety, depression, guilt, and anger.
Suggestions
Following the recommendations in this book to set boundaries and increase your self-expression
and self-acceptance will increase your autonomy. Here are some further suggestions:

Take classes to develop your skills or fun activities.

Attend weekend retreats.

Vacation on your own.

Go to events, movies, activities, museums, etc., on your own.

If you’re financially dependent on your partner, develop income-producing skills, and
start working if you’re not.

Attend Codependents Anonymous meetings. (There are also phone meetings.)

Make new friends. Joining meet-ups, classes, or groups centered on your interests are
ways to do this.

Take risks that challenge your abilities.
Taking risks, including interpersonal risks, enhances your competence, autonomy, and
effectiveness. This in turn raises self-esteem and gives you the motivation to take more risks.
Self-Esteem>Risk Action>Self-Confidence>
Self-Esteem>Risk Action>Self-Confidence
Autonomous individuals pursue self-directed actions informed by their desires. They have goals
that give their lives meaning.

What are your yearnings and passions beyond your relationship? (See Chapter 16 in
Codependency for Dummies.)

Is there something you’ve always wanted to do? What are you waiting for?

What are your goals? Are you pursuing them? If not, why not?

Does focus on your partner or your relationship problems distract you from pursing your
goals?

Do your relationship problems distract your partner from pursuing his or her goals? What
if you were to copy him or her?
Chapter 14
Summing Things Up
Change is a process. Be patient with yourself. It may take at least six months or more of
concerted effort to detach, become less reactive and to identify your feelings, needs, and wants.
This lays the groundwork for learning the language of assertiveness, which requires practice. By
trial and error, you’ll refine your communication. Boundary setting takes courage. Equally
important is building your autonomy through other activities and goals.
It’s extremely helpful and will speed things up to obtain the support of a 12-Step program and a
therapist, who can encourage and help you apply the principles and techniques suggested in this
book to your individual situation and relationship.
Your partner will notice your transformation, and the dynamics of your relationship will
necessarily change. Initial resistance in order to preserve the status quo coming from you and
your partner can eventually give way to reforms, if you can abide this phase. But it’s important
to consistently maintain your boundaries and send the same message. When that comes more
naturally to you, give your relationship at least six months to readjust to the new rules.
At some point, you might insist on conjoint therapy, which can facilitate improved
communication and cooperation with your partner. The changes you’ve instituted can make
participation more likely. Although tempting, it’s unwise to seek couples counseling from your
individual therapist, who may be biased toward you. More importantly, your partner will
perceive your therapist as biased, whether or not it’s true, and this can be used as a justification
for being uncooperative or abandoning treatment. If he or she does, this isn’t a reason for you to
discontinue individual therapy.
After you’re satisfied with your efforts and a reasonable has passed, evaluate your relationship.
Go back and review the checklists in Chapters 3 and 4 to assess the changes you’ve made. Give
yourself credit for your hard work, which has strengthened you as an individual.
Then reconsider whether your partner has made progress in these areas:

Acknowledges responsibility for his or her behavior.

Is willing to participate in individual or conjoint therapy.

Listens and is more respectful.

Reciprocates more in your relationship.

Cares about the impact of his or her behavior on you and others.
On the other hand, evaluate whether your partner:

Continues to be dishonest and won’t admit it.

Violates the law or ethical standards without remorse.

Continues to be emotionally abusive without remorse.

Continues to be grossly irresponsible.
Relationship satisfaction can improve when only one person begins to change. However,
sometimes things get worse before they get better, or they may continue to deteriorate as you
start standing up for yourself. This isn’t necessarily bad, because you can now clearly see who
you’re dealing with and let go of any false hope of getting what you want from the relationship.
If your partner makes no change, you may still decide that there are aspects of your partner you
enjoy and that there are adequate benefits to staying. By working on yourself, you’ll be happier
enjoying more autonomy while remaining in the relationship. Alternatively, you may conclude
that you’d rather live alone. Nevertheless, your efforts aren’t without reward, because you’ve
grown stronger should you stay or leave.
Appendix - Narcissistic Personality Quizzes
Here are two quizzes to test your level of narcissistic traits. They aren’t meant to test whether
you have a narcissistic personality disorder, which should be done by a professional health care
provider.
Quiz Based upon the Narcissistic Personality Inventory
The Narcissism Test As described in the first chapter, narcissism exists along a continuum
from unhealthy to healthy. This quiz is designed to distinguish healthy self-esteem or “healthy
narcissism” from self-esteem that is too low, referred to in this test as “Echoism,” or too high,
“Extreme Narcissism.”
On a scale of 1 to 5, indicate how much you agree or disagree with the numbered statements,
using the guide below:

1 — strongly disagree

2 — disagree

3 — neutral

4 — agree

5 — strongly agree
1. I know there’s something special about me.
2. I’m great at a lot of things compared to most people.
3. I secretly believe I’m better than most people.
4. I press on even in challenging tasks.
5. Obstacles rarely slow me down.
6. I’m self-confident, but caring.
7. I feel uneasy when I’m the focus of attention.
8. I find it hard to enjoy compliments.
9. I don’t like to talk about myself
Extreme Narcissism: Add items 1—3 and enter your score here:
Healthy Narcissism: Add items 4-6 and enter your score here:
Echoism: Add items 7-9 and enter your score here:
All three scores relate to narcissism, but reflect very different patterns of behavior.
Echoism: 10 is average: 12 and up is high. High Echoism means that you’re worried about
burdening others and rarely assert your needs.
Healthy Narcissism: 11 is average; 12 and up is high. Healthy narcissism means you’re
empathic, ambitious, caring, and confident.
Extreme narcissism: 9 is average; 10 is high. High scorers tend to be selfish, manipulative,
demanding, and often arrogant. 11 or higher could even mean you’re an extreme narcissist,
though if you’re under age 25, this could change over time.
The brief narcissism test is informal, not diagnostic. In general, your highest score is dominant,
but extreme narcissism trumps them all when it’s high. For research backed tips and feedback
based on your results, visit thenarcissismtest.com.
For a more accurate picture, you’ll need to take the full test that is included in the book,
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (HarperWave,
Harper UK)
About the Author
Darlene Lancer is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who has helped individuals and
couples improve their lives, their self-esteem, and relationships for over 27 years. She maintains
a private practice and coaches internationally.
She’s an expert in the area of codependency, addiction, and relationships. Look for her two
books, Codependency for Dummies and Conquering Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True
You. See her other e-workbooks:
10 Steps to Self-Esteem: The Ultimate Guide to Stop Self-Criticism
How To Speak Your Mind - Become Assertive and Set Limits
Spiritual Transformation in the Twelve Steps
Freedom from Guilt and Blame - Finding Self-Forgiveness
Codependency Recovery Daily Reflections
Ms. Lancer is a quoted authority and sought after speaker and lecturer at colleges, universities,
and on radio. In addition to her books, her insightful articles have been published in professional
journals and numerous periodicals. You can read them at http://whatiscodependency.com. For
information and daily tips on codependency, follow her on Twitter @darlenelancer, Youtube,
and on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/CodependencyRecovery.
Before becoming a psychotherapist, she had a successful career as an entertainment lawyer and
was awarded a Juris Doctor and Phi Beta Kappa while at University of California at Los
Angeles. She holds a Master’s in Psychology from Antioch University.
To learn about events, seminars, and free offers, join her Mailing List here.
End Notes
1. Ovid, Translated by David Raeburn (2004). Metamorphoses. Penguin Classics. 3. 386-392.
ISBN 014044789X
2. Dhawan, N. K. (2010). Prevalence and treatment of narcissistic personality disorder in the
community: a systematic review. Comprehensive Psychiatry 51:4, 333-339. McClean, J.
(October, 2007). Psychotherapy with a Narcissistic Patient Using Kohut's Self
Psychology Model. Psychotherapy Rounds, 40-47.
3. Masterson, James (1993) The Emerging Self: A Developmental, Self, and Object Relations
Approach to Treatment of the Closet Narcissistic Disorder of the Self, Philadelphia:
Brunner Mazel, Inc.
4. Irwin, H. J. (1995) Codependence, Narcissism, and Childhood Trauma. Journal of Clinical
Psychology 51:5.
5. Walsh, Susan (June 28, 2010) 20 Identifiable Traits of a Female Narcissist,
http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2010/06/28/relationshipstrategies/20-identifiable-traitsof-a-female-narcissist
6. Alliance of Psychoanalytic Organizations (2006) Psychodynamic Diagnostic Manual
7. Horton, Robert S. (2010) “On Environmental Sources of Child Narcissism: Are Parents
Really to Blame?” Chapter 7 in Narcissism and Machiavellianism in youth: Implications
for the development of adaptive and maladaptive behavior, by Barry, Christopher T.
(Ed); Kerig, Patricia K. (Ed); Stellwagen, Kurt K. (Ed); Barry, Tammy D. (Ed),
Washington, D.C.: American Psychological Association, 125-143.
8. Horton, R.S.; Bleau, G.; Drwecki, B. (2006). Parenting Narcissus: What Are the Links
Between Parenting and Narcissism? Journal of Personality 74:2, 345-376.
9. Cramer, Phebe, (2011). Young adult narcissism: A 20 year longitudinal study of the
contribution of parenting styles, preschool precursors of narcissism, and denial, Journal
of Research in Personality, 45.1, 19-28.
10. Livesley, W. J., Jang, K. L., Jackson, D. N., & Vernon, P. A. (1993, December). Genetic
and environmental contributions to dimensions of personality disorder. The American
Journal of Psychiatry 150:12, 1826-31.
11. Lancer, Darlene (2014). Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the
True You, Minnesota: Hazelden Foundation.
12. Id.
13. Id.
14. Id.
15. Campbell, W.K., Foster (April 2002) Narcissism and Commitment in Romantic
Relationships: An Investment Model Analysis C.A. Personality and Social Psychology
Bulletin 28:4, 484-495.
16. Lowen, Alexander, (1985) Narcissism — Denial of the True Self, New York: Simon &
Schuster.