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THE
DRAMA
MAGAZINE
FOR
YOUNG
PEOPLE
MAY 2014
UPPER GRADES
Lights, Camera, Attitude! . . . . . . . . . .Robin Roberts 2
Fabula Romae (The Story of Rome). . .Carol D. Wise 11
MONOLOGUE
(FOR UPPER GRADES)
A Fish Story. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Alida E. Young 22
DRAMATIZED CLASSIC
(FOR UPPER GRADES)
The Masque of the Red Death. . . . .Edgar Allan Poe 25
Adapted by Craig Sodaro
MIDDLE
AND
LOWER GRADES
Cinderella Bridezilla. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Amy Green
Macona, the Honest Warrior. . . . . . .Barbara Winther
Beauty and the Pirate Beast. . . . . . . . . . . .Jane Tesh
The Award. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Carol D. Wise
35
45
51
57
Index to Volume 73 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61
Terms of Use • Vol. 73, No. 7
Subscribers. Persons and entities with subscriptions in force at the
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Magazine for Young People, 897 Washington St., #600160, Newton,
MA 02460.
Publisher: PETER A. DIMOND
Editor: ELIZABETH PRESTON
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© Sterling Partners, Inc. 2014. Title registered as trademark.
PLAYS, The Drama Magazine for Young People (ISSN 0032-1540,
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Printed in U.S.A.
In this issue. . .
Plays
May 2014
The drama magazine for young people
For Upper Grades
Lights, Camera, Attitude!, by Robin Roberts
7 actors: 3 male, 3 female, 1 male/female; 25 minutes. Being selected for the lead in
the school play has gone to Hailey’s head, and she’s quickly alienating everyone in
the cast with her “star” power. The play must go on, but will she be able to salvage
her friendships and help build the theater team needed to make it all a success?
Fabula Romae (The Story of Rome), by Carol D. Wise
16+ actors: 9 male, 4 female, 3 male/female, and as many members of the Chorus as
desired; 30 minutes. A large-cast spoof on the founding of Rome and the political
fights and terrible battles in Greece leading up to it. Perfect for Latin students.
A Fish Story, a monologue by Alida E. Young
1 actor (female); 15 minutes. An enchanted flounder grants wishes to a fisherman
whose wife always wants more, more, more—until one day she discovers that it's
most important to be happy with what you have. Fisherman’s wife delivers this
monologue.
The Masque of the Red Death, by Edgar Allan Poe; adapted by Craig Sodaro
13+ actors: 2 female, 1 male, and 10 male/female, and extras as desired; 30 minutes.
Bring out your dead! The chilling tale of a prince who ignores the illness overtaking
his people and locks himself away behind the thick castle walls to eat, drink, and be
merry. Surely he and his friends are safe now?
For Middle & Lower Grades
Cinderella Bridezilla, by Amy Green
7 actors: 4 female, 3 male; 30 minutes. Fairy-tale characters get mixed together in
this fun tale of an arranged marriage between the sweet, charming prince and an
overly aggressive bride-to-be that clearly would never have worked. Of course, when
the prince finally puts his foot down, it has a very “happily-ever-after” ending.
Macona, the Honest Warrior, by Barbara Winther
11+ actors: 5 male, 2 female, and 4+ male/female needed as two parrots and at least
two mosquitoes; 20 minutes. Folk tale from the South American Carib Indians:
Honesty and courage win out over thievery and deceit as clever warrior stands up
for his rights, earning the respect of the Chief and the hand of the Princess.
Beauty and the Pirate Beast, by Jane Tesh
9 actors: 5 male, 4 female; 15 minutes. A tale of buried treasure, a terrible curse
that turns the captain into a beast, and a mix of funny references to other fairy
tales, as a kind daughter leaves her mean sisters to join the pirate crew.
The Award, by Carol D. Wise
8 actors: 4 male, 4 female; 20 minutes. Student slated to win top school award for
academics and athletics—by cheating, lying, and taking advantage of his friends—
comes face to face with the truth. Embarrassing, to say the least!
MAY 2014
1
Upper & Middle Grades
Plays is protected by U.S. copyright law.
Only current subscribers may use
this play (www.playsmagazine.com).
Lights, Camera, Attitude!
Getting the lead in the school play has gone to
Hailey’s head, and she’s quickly alienating everyone
else in the cast. The play must go on, but will she be
able to salvage her friendships? . . .
Characters
by Robin Roberts
BETH
JOSH
ERIC
HAILEY
LISA
JASON
DIRECTOR
TIME: The present, mid-afternoon.
SETTING: A school gymnasium, in a
state of half-readiness for an upcoming
production. Two scenery paintings are
taped to back wall. One is a half-painted, but fully drawn picture of a medieval castle, moat and pastoral countryside. The other is an interior of a castle,
fully drawn and mostly painted, showing tapestries on either side of a large
fireplace and a window overlooking a
village. Two music stands, a few wooden stacking chairs and some boxes are
scattered across stage. A coat rack
2
holds two crowns, a sword and several
long, brightly colored pieces of material. From the view of the audience, a
small table with two wooden chairs on
either side sits to the right of the middle of the stage. Four empty stacking
chairs are sitting in a half-v formation
on the left, facing the right.
AT RISE: BETH is on one of the v-formation chairs, reviewing her script.
JOSH is lounging in a chair beside the
table, where his script sits. He’s pounding out a muffled rhythm on his jeans.
BETH: Hey, Josh, you ready for
rehearsal today?
JOSH: Ready? I was born ready,
Bethinator.
BETH: You were born two weeks late.
JOSH: Ah, but I was ready for it!
BETH: Have you seen Hailey? (JOSH
stops drumming.)
JOSH (Sarcastically pleasant): No, I
haven’t!
PLAYS • playsmagazine.com
BETH (Frowning): You sound happy
ERIC: That would be seriously cool.
JOSH: I am. (Resumes drumming)
(HAILEY bursts in left, carrying an
expensive-looking backpack, unzipped,
containing a notebook, pen, mirror and
a half-empty bottle of water. She also
carries a celebrity magazine.)
about that.
BETH: Come on, she hasn’t been that
bad. (ERIC enters right. He is carrying
a backpack.)
ERIC: Hey, guys. Who’s not that bad?
(ERIC lets his backpack fall to the floor
and flops into the other chair beside the
table. JOSH stops drumming.)
JOSH: Hailey.
ERIC: Oh, you mean Queen (In a high
voice) “Look at me, I have the lead.”
BETH: All right, I know she’s been act-
ing a little—“off” lately. But you have
to admit, she had a great audition. She
made a better Princess than anyone.
ERIC (Quietly to JOSH): Yeah, but does
she have to act like one all the time?
BETH (Suspiciously): What did you say?
ERIC (Quickly straightening): I said,
Hailey did a great job in auditions.
(BETH continues to look suspicious for
a moment, then checks her watch.)
BETH: She should be here by now. Did
you guys see her at lunch?
JOSH: I did. All she had with her was a
bottle of water.
BETH (Shocked): What? Hailey eats
more than a football team! Are you
sure?
ERIC: I saw it, too. No lunch.
BETH (Hopefully): Maybe she’s off
somewhere, practicing her lines for
today.
JOSH: Maybe Batman is coming to my
house today.
MAY 2014
JOSH: Think he’d let me drive the car?
HAILEY (Brightly): Hello, my fellow
thespians!
JOSH (Suspiciously): What did you just
call me?
HAILEY: A thespian is an actor, and I,
your star, have arrived. (HAILEY
grabs a chair to the right of BETH and
places it between BETH and JOSH
before sitting down, dropping the backpack beside her.)
BETH: You’re cutting it close. The
Director will be here any minute.
HAILEY (Waving a hand): Oh Bethy,
late means early in Hollywood.
JOSH: Around here, late means deten-
tion.
HAILEY: I was busy, O.K.?
ERIC (Unimpressed): Doing what?
HAILEY: Well, first I had to call my
agent.
ERIC (Surprised): You have an agent?
HAILEY: Sort of. . .well, not exactly. But
I’ve read about them and I’ll pick one
any day now. Besides, I have personal
appearances to make.
JOSH: I wouldn’t call wearing a cape to
your soccer game last week a personal
appearance.
HAILEY: Well, (Waves magazine) this
says if I’m going to be a star, I have to
get noticed.
3
ERIC: Oh, you were noticed, all right.
The other team laughed so hard, I
thought they’d never be able to play.
HAILEY (Uncertainly): Was it really
that bad?
BETH: Oh, forget it, Hailey. Everyone
else did when you helped get that goal
at the end of the first half.
HAILEY (Putting magazine into back-
pack, shaking her head): I thought
we’d never score against those guys.
ERIC (Teasing): Well, don’t let practice
keep you from your adoring fans.
HAILEY (Seriously): Don’t worry, I
won’t. There’s so many who want my
autograph.
ERIC: I was kidding. Besides, signing
Mrs. Kedwell’s late book in the office
isn’t giving autographs.
HAILEY: Well, Mrs. Kedwell says she
can’t wait to see me perform. And I’ll
make sure I thank my fans during my
speech.
BETH (Checking her script): But your
speech today isn’t about that at all.
HAILEY: I mean the speech I’ll give
when I win an Oscar. (BETH throws
up her hands as LISA enters right, carrying a can of paint and some brushes.
HAILEY takes mirror from backpack
and starts checking her appearance.)
LISA: Hey, Eric, thanks for helping me
carry in the paint and stuff. I couldn’t
have done it all myself.
ERIC (Flexing his arms): No worries.
My huge muscles could handle it.
JOSH: Yeah, they’re almost as big as
your mouth. (ERIC stops flexing and
give JOSH a joking look. LISA and
BETH snicker.)
4
LISA: Is everyone ready for opening
night? It’s not far now.
BETH (Smiling): Just about.
LISA: From what I’ve seen, you guys
are great together. After your audition,
Hailey, nobody was surprised when
you got the lead.
HAILEY (Fluffing her hair): Yes, I was
rather amazing, wasn’t I? (LISA looks
strangely at HAILEY for a moment.)
LISA: I guess.
ERIC: The scenery is what’s amazing
this year. Lisa, your drawings look like
a real castle.
LISA (Modestly): Well, it was the whole
crew who did the work. I just got it
started with some research on castles
at the library. After that came my
early sketches, but there were a lot of
good ideas from everyone. Actually,
(Gesturing to outdoor scene) we’re putting a drawbridge on that one this
afternoon.
JOSH: That’ll be perfect!
LISA: Don’t look at me. It was Shane’s
idea.
OFFSTAGE VOICE (Calling): Lisa!
LISA: I’d better get going. (Begins to exit
right) Thanks again for your help, Eric.
(Just before exiting completely, LISA
calls over her shoulder.) Break a leg!
HAILEY (Startled): Break a leg? Why
did she say that? It’s so mean!
JOSH (Annoyed): Break a leg means
good luck. I’m surprised you didn’t
know that.
HAILEY (Putting mirror away): I did
know that. I was just—testing you.
PLAYS • playsmagazine.com
BETH: Speaking of tests, how did you do
on your geography quiz?
HAILEY: Ummm. . .
BETH: Hailey?
HAILEY: Somewhere between an A
and—not an A.
BETH (Impatiently): Hailey!
HAILEY (Shoulders dropping): C plus.
(BETH looks angry and puts her hands
on her hips.) I know, you told me to
study, and I did—for a while—but I
have to keep up on what’s going on with
all the celebrities, and. . .I sort of surfed
entertainment websites instead.
BETH (Shaking her head): That’s going
to kill some of your final grade.
HAILEY: Well, who needs geography,
anyway? The only place I’m ever going
is Hollywood, and I’ll be ready. I’ve
been doing my homework.
BETH (Cautiously hopeful): You mean,
you’ve already got your history project
done?
JOSH (To ERIC): Wait for it.
HAILEY: No, I’ve already decided who
my first co-star should be.
JOSH (Bumping knuckles with ERIC):
Boo yah!
HAILEY (Crossing her arms): Oh, forget
it. Nobody understands me anymore.
ERIC: You’ve got that right. Nobody
understands why you’re acting like
this.
HAILEY (Indignant): Like what?
JOSH: Well, you used to care about
other people. You do still remember
other people, don’t you?
MAY 2014
HAILEY (Uncrossing arms): That’s not
fair! Last week you were stuck for a
ride home when you forgot to tell your
dad about after-school practice, so I
asked my mom to give you a ride.
JOSH (Mumbling): Yeah, yeah.
BETH: When was the last time you volunteered to help with the math tutoring program?
HAILEY: I was there just the other. . .
month.
ERIC: What about youth group? I
haven’t seen you out for a while.
HAILEY: I was—um. . .
JOSH: Did you forget about art club?
You missed another meeting yesterday.
HAILEY: I—I just. . .(Angrily; stands up)
Look, you obviously have no idea how
much work being the star of this play
is. I’m almost always on stage, and
nobody is going to come and see this
thing if they don’t think there’s a real
star in it. So, I’ll be a real star! Who
cares if I let a few things slide? I have
more important stuff to think about!
The success of this whole play is on me!
I can’t fail! I can’t! (HAILEY drops into
her seat and covers her face with her
hands. There is a stunned silence for a
moment before JASON enters left. He’s
carrying a box marked CASTLE—
INTERIOR and a script.)
JASON: Hey, guys. (At his voice, HAI-
LEY snaps to attention and frantically
roots through her backpack for the
magazine. She tries to cover her anxiety
by pretending to read.)
JOSH: Hey, Jase.
JASON: You two sure played a great
game on Monday.
ERIC: Thanks, man, but I wish you’d
5
think about trying out. We could use
you in center.
JASON (Shrugging): Sorry. Sports
aren’t really my thing. (Shows them
the box) I’m a behind-the-scenes kind
of guy. (Turns to HAILEY) Uh, Hailey?
I saw you drop this (Holds out script)
on your way into the gym. I guess the
zipper on your backpack’s broken.
HAILEY (Looking up, annoyed): That
isn’t possible. This bag is Italian—I
think. All of the big stars have Italian
bags. (She puts magazine on her lap,
picks up the bag and works the zipper.
It won’t move.) Oh, no! It is broken!
(Looks through bag) Water. . .notebook. . .pen. (Gasps) My script! (Looks
up to see JASON still holding it out to
her. HAILEY takes it slowly.) Thanks.
I. . .(Drops her gaze and busies herself
putting the script into the bag)
JASON: Uh, no problem. (An awkward
silence stretches out as HAILEY puts
the bag down and goes back to reading
the magazine.) Well, I gotta go. See you
guys. (JASON exits right.)
JOSH: Later.
BETH (Pointing her script at HAILEY):
Boy, were you lucky, Hailey.
HAILEY: Not really. (Turns a page) I
mean, that’s what assistants do.
BETH (Angrily, slamming her hand
down on chair): Jason is not your assistant! Just because you have the lead in
this year’s play doesn’t mean you’re
the most important person here!
HAILEY: Uh, that’s what star means.
Duh.
ERIC: Oh, so at last week’s soccer game,
I suppose you scored that goal all by
yourself, Star?
HAILEY: That’s not the same thing.
6
BETH: Well, what about this? (Holds
both arms out to indicate the stage) You
think you’re the only one who’s working hard? What about everybody who
isn’t on the stage?
HAILEY: Like who?
JOSH: How about Lisa and the crew
who’s painting the scenery?
HAILEY (Bored): What about them?
ERIC: Did you already forget about
Jason and everyone who’s putting
together the props? You’re going to
look ridiculous trying to sword fight
with your finger.
HAILEY (Lowering magazine, but trying
to stay cool): Hmph.
BETH: And then there are the guys who
are doing the sound and lighting
effects, the director, the band. . .(Waits
for a response but gets none) Don’t any
of them matter?
HAILEY (Setting down magazine;
resigned): Well, yeah, they matter, in
their own small way. But they aren’t
really participating, they’re just. . .
doing stuff. Come on, you guys. What’s
a play really all about? It’s about acting, and being noticed and who’s on the
stage. If the audience laughs, who are
they laughing at? The guy who painted
the scenery? If they cry, is it because
my costume fits?
JOSH: I’m going to start crying right
now.
ERIC: A play doesn’t just happen,
Superstar. It takes a lot of people to
make it happen.
BETH: You know what they say. There’s
no “I” in teamwork.
ERIC: No, but if you change the letter
around, you get. . .kwar-me-ot.
PLAYS • playsmagazine.com
JOSH (Appreciatively): Nice.
BETH (Shooting ERIC a dirty look):
Look, you have to realize that unless
everyone does their job, you wouldn’t
have a chance to perform at all.
HAILEY: You guys don’t get it. I’m sac-
rificing a lot to be a star. (Jumps to her
feet, letting magazine fall to the floor,
and starts pacing) You think I liked
blowing my geography test? You think
I don’t know you two (Points to JOSH
and ERIC) are making fun of me
behind my back? I actually don’t like
reading so much stuff about movies
and TV—boring!—but I have to if I’m
going to make this all work. I miss
hanging out with you, Bethy, but I’ll
never look like them (Gestures to magazine), so I have to do everything I can
to make sure that I’m a star in every
way. I’m the lead, remember?
JOSH: You’re the lead because you were
good at the part, remember? Why do
think the play is hanging on you, anyway? You’re one person, not the whole
crew.
ERIC: You have the wrong idea of what
a star is. (HAILEY, fed up, picks up
magazine and then drops it by her
backpack.)
HAILEY (Speaking uncertainly as she
sits down): Maybe you guys are right,
but—I’m the star. I have a responsibility to be what everyone expects.
Besides, I don’t have the time for all
this. Has anyone seen my costume?
BETH: We were told at the start we’d
have to come up with our own costumes this year.
HAILEY: I don’t remember that.
ERIC: Probably too busy updating your
Facebook page. Current status—loser.
HAILEY (Waving a hand): Oh, it’s just a
MAY 2014
minor detail. (To herself) Uh-oh, where
am I going to get a Princess costume?
JOSH: Did you get your makeup yet?
HAILEY: Makeup?
JOSH: You know, the stuff that goes on
your face? (HAILEY looks at him
blankly). Hey, if my Dad and I can do
it, so can you.
ERIC (Incredulously): You and your
Dad went out and tried on makeup?
JOSH (Brightly): Oh, yeah! The saleslady really wanted to help us, but we
were pretty sure we could do it on our
own.
ERIC (Slowly): So, what happened?
JOSH (Thoughtfully): Ever seen a
clown in a blender?
BETH (Worried; to HAILEY): You do
know your lines for today, don’t you?
HAILEY (Relieved): Yes, pages twentyone to thirty, all memorized.
BETH: Twenty-one to thirty? We were
assigned twelve to nineteen.
JOSH: Oh, hooray. The star doesn’t
know any of her lines.
ERIC: O.K., Hails, pop quiz. What
comes after I say, “Princess, our
defenses are lost. The enemy is at our
gate. You are in. . .”
HAILEY: Uh—California?
ERIC (Slapping his forehead): Oh, man.
HAILEY: Ugh, I don’t feel well. I have a
headache.
BETH (Dryly): Of course you do. That’s
what you get for having only water for
lunch.
7
HAILEY: But I read somewhere that
eating before a performance slows you
down. Oh-h-h, I’m in trouble. I don’t
have anything—no costume, no makeup, I learned the wrong lines, and I
nearly lost my script. My friends think
I’m crazy and the Director will be here
any minute. What am I going to do?
(DIRECTOR walks in briskly right,
carrying a clipboard full of papers of
different sizes. A few are hanging out
and a pencil dangles from a string. He
speaks as he walks in.)
DIRECTOR: All right, everybody, before
we. . .(Drops a paper and stops to pick
it up, then continues speaking as he
walks to stand behind the table where
the boys are sitting) before we get started, I want to check some things. (Looks
down at clipboard) Does everyone have
their costume ready?
DIRECTOR: Hailey, what’s going on? I
gave everyone that responsibility two
weeks ago!
HAILEY (Squirming uncomfortably):
Umm. . .(BETH continues to stare at
JOSH, who sneaks a peek at her. JOSH
rolls his eyes and shakes his head.)
JOSH: I. . .uh, well, you see, my dad and
I went shopping for makeup, right? We
went into this huge store, and. . .well,
what do we know about makeup, you
know?
DIRECTOR (Tapping his foot, impatiently): The point, Josh.
JOSH: We basically brought home the
whole store. Hailey’s going to buy our
extra stuff.
HAILEY: Uh. . .I. . .
DIRECTOR: Fine, that’ll do. Let’s get to
work. We’ll start with page twelve.
Beth and Eric, you come in from the
left and Hailey, you’re surprised to see
them. This is an important part of the
story, so I hope everyone has their
lines down.
HAILEY: Uh. . .
stands and leans to pick up her script.
ERIC grabs his script from his backpack and stands up to move.)
BETH, JOSH and ERIC (Ad lib): Yeah,
sure, uh-huh. (Etc.)
DIRECTOR: Hailey?
DIRECTOR (Looking up from clipboard):
What’s the problem?
BETH: We’re finishing it up at my house
this weekend. (HAILEY looks over at
BETH, surprised.)
DIRECTOR: Fine, but get it done soon.
(Checks clipboard) Does everyone have
their makeup sorted out?
BETH, JOSH and ERIC (Ad lib): Yep, uh-
HAILEY (Whispering): Oh, no. (BETH
DIRECTOR: Now, I need. . .(DIRECTOR
is interrupted by the sound of a growling stomach. BETH and ERIC stop.
DIRECTOR is annoyed.) All right, who
missed lunch today? (BETH, JOSH
and ERIC look at HAILEY, who slowly
raises her hand. BETH and ERIC sit
back down.)
huh, all set. (Etc.)
HAILEY (Miserable): I. .
HAILEY: Well, you see, there was this—
DIRECTOR (Fed up): I’m waiting,
Hailey. (JOSH pokes ERIC harder.
ERIC jumps up, holding his arm.)
DIRECTOR: Hailey?
uh—(BETH gives JOSH a hard stare.
JOSH looks at the ceiling.)
8
.it was—
(JOSH pokes ERIC. ERIC looks away.)
ERIC: Ow! Dude!
PLAYS • playsmagazine.com
DIRECTOR (Sarcastically): Something
you’d like to add, Eric?
ERIC (Rubbing his arm): Well, I left. . .I
mean, she left her lunch—at home!
But. . .uh. . .I still have half a sandwich
and an apple she can have.
DIRECTOR: We don’t have time for that!
We need to practice!
JOSH (Slyly): Did you remember to
bring your script?
DIRECTOR (Annoyed): Of course I
ERIC: Well, it’s mostly true. The apple
didn’t fit.
JOSH: But you sure tried! (The boys
high-five.)
HAILEY: I don’t understand. If I’ve been
so hard to live with, why did all of you
help me?
BETH: It’s what friends do.
HAILEY: You mean, we’re still friends
even after all (Gestures around) this?
remembered to bring the script. Why
wouldn’t I have the script? I’m the
Director, after all. What kind of question is that? (Starts searching the clipboard) I’m sure I have it in here somewhere. (DIRECTOR frantically goes
through the papers.) No. . .no. . .wait!
No. ARGH! I must have left it in my
desk. O.K., Hailey, eat fast and when I
get back, we start on page twelve, and
you’d all better be ready! (Leaving clipboard on desk, DIRECTOR exits left,
speaking as he/she goes.) How can I
not have the script? (Throws hands
into the air) What kind of Director
doesn’t bring the script? (Everyone is
silent for a moment.)
BETH: We’ve known you since second
going to help me get a costume?
You don’t need all that Hollywood
stuff. In fact, the way you’ve been acting for the last couple of weeks, you’d
be better off without it.
HAILEY (Slowly): Beth, are you really
BETH: My sister had to dress like a
princess when she worked at the
Enchanted Restaurant a few years
ago. It should fit you now.
HAILEY (To JOSH): Did you really buy
too much makeup?
JOSH: Well, after what happened at the
store, Dad and I are ready for
Halloween!
HAILEY: Eric, I know you don’t have
any lunch left over. I saw you and
Jamie dare each other to stuff everything you had into your mouths.
MAY 2014
grade, Hailey. This whole “I’m a star”
thing isn’t you.
JOSH: But you’re still pretty annoying.
ERIC: And weird.
JOSH: And full of yourself.
ERIC: And let’s not forget. . .
BETH: O.K., guys, I think she’s got it.
HAILEY (Sadly): I’m sorry, guys. (Sighs)
Getting the lead is important, so I tried
to pretend I was important, too.
BETH: Oh, Hailey, you are important.
HAILEY: I was just doing what I
thought would be good for the play, so
people would want to come and see it.
JOSH: What’s good for the play is when
everybody shows up and does their job.
Without Jason and Lisa and everybody
else, there wouldn’t be a play.
ERIC: Besides, we already have a guar-
anteed audience. They’re called grandparents.
9
HAILEY: I really am sorry. For everything. I just figured a real star should
act like one.
JOSH: Real stars don’t need an act.
ERIC (Standing in a silly pose, in falset-
to, waving a hand): That’s right, dahlings. (Everyone laughs.)
HAILEY (Pulling a notebook and pen
from her backpack): Thanks, all of you,
for bailing me out.
JOSH: Does this mean the real Hailey
is back?
HAILEY (Through narrowed eyes): That
depends. Did you forget to tell your dad
you aren’t on the bus again because of
practice today?
JOSH (Shoulders slumping): Ooops.
HAILEY: Don’t worry. I’ll let you ride in
the trunk.
ERIC: No, wait! Let him borrow your
cape and he can fly home!
HAILEY: Ugh, don’t remind me! Now,
what do I need to do? (Starts writing in
notebook, then looks up at BETH)
Beth, is it O.K. if I come to your house
on Saturday to try on Cindy’s costume?
BETH: Sure.
HAILEY (Writing): Thanks.
JOSH: And you can stop by my house
after that to pick up the makeup.
HAILEY: That’s great, Josh. Now, what
else. . . (Looks up in fear) Oh, no! I still
didn’t learn the right lines for today.
BETH (Picking up her script): Come on,
we’ll go over it fast.
10
ERIC (Snickering): I wouldn’t be in too
big a hurry.
BETH: Why?
ERIC: Have you seen the Director’s
desk lately? Ouch.
HAILEY (Putting notebook and pen in
backpack and pulling out script): Well,
I’d better practice while I can. I’ve
messed up enough for one play. Page
twelve, right? (Shaking head as she
flips pages) What a bummer. (Pragmatically) At least I’m all ready for the
last act. (HAILEY suddenly stops and
looks confused.)
BETH: What’s wrong?
HAILEY: I feel like I’m forgetting something really important.
JOSH: Oh, no. Please don’t tell me
you’re going to start arranging interviews.
HAILEY: No.
BETH: You’re putting a red carpet in
your room?
HAILEY: No.
ERIC: You’re buying a private jet?
HAILEY: No. . .but that would be awesome!
ERIC: I call dibs on the captain’s chair!
BETH: What did you forget, Hailey?
(Sound of a stomach growling is
heard.)
HAILEY: Lunch! (Curtain)
(Production Notes on page 21)
THE END
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Upper & Middle Grades
Fabula Romae
(The Story of Rome)
The Eternal City wasn’t built in a day! A humorous
look at how Rome might have been founded.
A large-cast spoof perfect for students of Latin. . .
by Carol D. Wise
Characters
NARRATOR
APOLLO
SACERDOS
JUPITER
CASSANDRA
PRIAM
HECTOR
HECUBA
CENTURIO
PARIS
HELEN
AENEAS
VENUS
MISENUS
ACHATES
CHORUS I and II
FLUTE PLAYER
MAY 2014
BEFORE RISE: CHORUS I and II are
arrayed on the stage. FLUTE PLAYER
stands at side of stage. NARRATOR
enters, stands center to address audience.
NARRATOR: We are here today to honor
the Roman theatre in its glory, the
pinnacle of literature and creativity,
as we retell the famous story of the
founding of Rome. There are many
versions of this tale, but this one is the
real one! Ego promitto! I promise! Our
actors ask that you refrain from throwing fruits and vegetables during the
course of their presentations, as it is a
distraction to the performers. (FLUTE
PLAYER plays a tune.)
CHORUS I:
Many centuries ago there was a
beautiful city
Tucked away in northwestern
Anatolia,
In a country which mortals would later
call Turkey.
Rolling green hills and flowing
rivers abounded
11
Within this marbled city, this Troy,
this Illium.
Many times Mars, the great god of
war,
Had destroyed Illium, but again and
again
It was rebuilt to majestic splendor.
CHORUS II:
Illium was ruled by the wise King
Priam,
Priam, the youngest son of Laomedon,
Priam, loved and respected by his
people.
Among his many children was the
beautiful Cassandra,
Cassandra, the red-haired siren with
eyes as blue as the Trojan skies,
Cassandra, who captured the heart of
any man who beheld her.
Many men tried to win her hand, but
they all failed. . . .
ALL:
Until Apollo, the great god of light and
the sun,
God of truth and prophecy, god of
healing,
Came down from Mount Olympus to
claim her as his bride. (CHORUS,
FLUTE PLAYER, and NARRATOR
move upstage as curtain rises. They
remain onstage during following scene.)
***
SETTING: Apollo’s temple, with columns
(or backdrop showing columns).
AT RISE: APOLLO and SACERDOS
are standing center.
APOLLO: Now, sacerdos, are you sure
that Cassandra will be here today?
SACERDOS: Ita vero, Domine Apollo.
She worships at the temple of Apollo
every day at the third hour sharp. I
could set my hour glass by her.
APOLLO: I’m a busy man! I don’t have
time to waste waiting for pulchrae feminae who don’t appear. My chariot
must be able to ride across the sky on
12
schedule. (Smooths hair) How do I
look?
SACERDOS (Examining him): Your hair
is scorched.
APOLLO: Eheu! That sun can wreak
havoc on the curls. Even olive oil doesn’t help. (Takes out a comb and combs
his hair) Better?
SACERDOS (Shrugging): Fortasse.
APOLLO: Perhaps, you say? Might I
remind you that you are addressing
the god of the sun? Show a little
respect.
SACERDOS (Clearing his throat): You
look wonderful, Domine. Still the
handsomest of all the gods. (Sound of
thunder is heard. SACERDOS looks
up.) Eheu! With the exception of
Jupiter, of course! (JUPITER appears
left.) Oh, salve, mi rex! We were just
admiring—
JUPITER (Sternly): I heard you.
APOLLO: Pater—er, Jupiter—what on
terra are you doing here at the temple
of Apollo? You have your own temple
just down the via.
SACERDOS (Nervously): Of course, you
are always welcome here, Domine!
(Bows)
JUPITER (Looking around): This tem-
plum is parvum compared to mine! Ubi
est aurum? Ubi sunt statuae? Every
temple must have gold and statues!
SACERDOS: We’re remodeling. Knock-
ing down a few muros over there
(Gestures right). Adding a fenestra over
there, (Gestures left) maybe a ianua—
JUPITER (Shaking his head): It still
looks tacky.
SACERDOS: Ita vero, mi dei. Of course
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you are always right. We will ask your
advice next time. A deus of your magnitude, your virtue, of your impeccable—
JUPITER: Satis! I did not come here to
listen to your platitudes. I am here to
see Apollo.
APOLLO: Me, Dad? What’s up?
JUPITER: Apollo, we had an important
meeting on Mt. Olympus today, and
you were not present.
APOLLO: Eheu! Was that today? You
know how unreliable these Roman calendars are. Have you considered the
twelve-month system? What did I
miss?
JUPITER: Mars is anxious to plan another destruction of Troy. We ended in a
tie and need your vote.
SACERDOS: Oh, Domine, but we are
SACERDOS: It’s true, Deus. Cassan-
dra’s incredible. She’s—(Sound of
thunder) or maybe not!
JUPITER: I mean it, Apollo! Any more
trouble, and I’m giving the sun to
Diana.
APOLLO: Diana! Hercule! She’ll shoot it
with arrows!
JUPITER: Your sister has caused me far
less trouble than you have. Now, hurry
up. I’m short on time. Your mother’s
expecting me to show up for a set of
doubles with Mars and Venus.
APOLLO: Venus? Does she know about
your plans to destroy Troy? Her son
Aeneas lives here, you know.
JUPITER: We have other plans for him.
APOLLO: Really? What’s up?
just now refurbishing the templum
here at Troy. You know how devastating Mars is. He levels entire cities. It
would be one thing if he just smashed
a few villae—
JUPITER: Aeneas is going to found a
great nation.
sense in just going halfway. Now,
Apollo, can we count on your vote?
APOLLO: Italia! You’ve got to be kid-
JUPITER: Mars likes to be thorough. No
APOLLO: I suppose so. But listen, I’ve
got some business to take care of here.
When I’m finished, you can have Troy.
JUPITER: Business? Oh, no, Apollo, not
another femina?
APOLLO: This one’s different.
JUPITER: Different? Are you kidding?
That’s what you always say! Remember what happened with the nymphs?
APOLLO: Oh, that was a long time ago,
Dad. I’ve matured. I’ve learned from
my mistakes. Cassandra’s a princess.
You’ll like her.
MAY 2014
SACERDOS: A great patria! Where?
JUPITER: Italia.
ding! It’ll never work. That place is a
jungle!
JUPITER (To sound of thunder again):
Do not challenge my decrees! Aeneas
will found a great nation that will conquer the world—even Greece!
SACERDOS: Graecia! I cannot believe
that any nation can conquer Graecia!
JUPITER (To sound of thunder again):
Do you dare to question my power?
SACERDOS: Oh, minime, mi dei!
Forgive me! If you, Domine, say that
Aeneas will found a great nation, then
I am sure that he will.
13
JUPITER: I have wasted far too much
time here. Apollo, we will be expecting
you shortly. Vale! (JUPITER exits left.)
SACERDOS: Oh, Apollo! We shouldn’t
have angered him!
APOLLO: Oh, don’t mind him. He’s just
in a malus mood. He and Juno are on
the skids this week. I think she put too
much grain mash in his mead. He’s
been thundering at everyone. And
after all, you are in my temple, not his.
SACERDOS: I just don’t want to get on
his pessimus side.
APOLLO: Not to worry. I’ve got your
back.
SACERDOS (Pondering): It’s curious
that Mars and Venus should be so
close. Venus’s son Aeneas is the second
cousin of King Priam. He will not take
too kindly to Troy’s destruction. Nor
will Venus. She has been known to
help Aeneas in battle.
APOLLO: I’ll take care of Aeneas. It
would never pay to rile Venus. Aeneas
is destined to start a new nation after
Troy is leveled. Venus is an ambitious
mother.
SACERDOS: I find this all so disconcerting. But—your time is short. You must
hurry if you are to vote on Troy’s
destruction. What’s your plan to court
Cassandra?
APOLLO: Court her! Get real! I don’t
court! I am Apollo! One look at me and
she will melt like butter.
SACERDOS: Sed minime! It doesn’t
always work that way with women.
APOLLO: Hercule! What do you know
about women? You’re a sacerdos.
SACERDOS: Are you kidding? I’m surrounded by Vestal Virgins! I’d rather
14
deal with caged leones. Feminae are
very sensitive. You have to pamper
them. Give them little dona. Florae!
Shower them with lauda.
APOLLO: Gifts? Flowers?
You’re kidding, right?
Praise?
SACERDOS: I tell you, man, you’ve got
to have a consilium! (Looks left) Ecce!
Here comes Cassandra now. I’m outta
here. I think I have some offerings to
burn. (Exits right. CASSANDRA enters
left.)
APOLLO (Pondering): Hm-m. Maybe
this isn’t going to be as easy as I
thought. I might need to rethink my
approach. Why are feminae so complicated? (Smiling) Ah, Cassandra! I have
caught you alone!
CASSANDRA: Apollo! Indeed I am
alone, but you have not caught me.
APOLLO (Shrugging): Call it whatever
nomen you want. Cassandra, I have
watched you for a long time. Never
have I beheld a more beautiful creature. I must have you for my own.
CASSANDRA: Your own? I do not belong
to anyone. I will never be anyone’s
own.
APOLLO: I can promise you anything. I
am the deus of the sun, of light, of healing, of prophecy.
CASSANDRA: Verba mean nothing to
me.
APOLLO: I am a man of action. I can
make you a regina!
CASSANDRA: I am already a princess.
Titles mean nothing to me.
APOLLO: I can give you health.
CASSANDRA: I am already healthy.
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APOLLO: What about music? Not too
shabby. You could sing like a lark.
CASSANDRA: I can already sing. (In
high-pitched voice) Ahhhhhhhhhhh!
APOLLO:
How about prophecy? You
could foresee events before they happen.
CASSANDRA: Hmm. . .prophecy! It
would be nice to be able to predict the
future. I could be an oracle at Delphi or
the weather girl in downtown Troy.
APOLLO: The caelum’s the limit.
CASSANDRA: Ita vero! That does sound
like fun!
And prophecy would do to win her
back.
***
SETTING: Priam’s palace at Troy.
AT RISE: PRIAM, HECUBA, and HECTOR are onstage. CENTURIO enters left.
CENTURIO: Rex Priam, the god Apollo
is demanding to see Cassandra. This is
his fifth trip to the aula. The other centuriones are getting nervous.
HECUBA: You look a little green yourself, Centurio.
CENTURIO: Ita vero, mea regina. Apollo
is a god. I am a lowly centurio. He
could destroy me with one breath.
APOLLO: Then you’ll be mine?
PRIAM: Have him wait just a little
get my power?
CENTURIO: Apollo is not a patient god,
Rex Priam.
CASSANDRA: Absolutely! So when do I
APOLLO: You have it now.
CASSANDRA: Nunc? That was fast.
Ecce! I can’t wait to try it out. (Rushes
out right)
APOLLO: Hey! Wait! You forgot your
half of the bargain! (Follows her.
Sound of flute)
CHORUS I:
Cassandra hurried to her beautiful
home in Troy,
The verdant land of rolling hills and
dancing rivers.
Dark clouds were forming on the blue
horizon
As Mars, the god of war, waited to
breathe
Fire on the marbled city.
CHORUS II:
Cassandra knew that
Apollo would not take her desertion
lightly
And wondered what the god of the sun,
of medicine,
MAY 2014
longer, Centurio.
PRIAM: Centurio, you have your orders.
You must be fortis.
CENTURIO: Ita vero, mi rex. (Exits left.
CASSANDRA enters right.)
CASSANDRA: Salve, Pater, Mater,
Hector!
PRIAM: Cassandra, why does Apollo
keep coming to the aula?
HECTOR: The centuriones say that he
bothers them day and night.
HECUBA: I hear that it’s something
about a promise you made to Apollo.
CASSANDRA: Well, we did have a bar-
gain, but it was never sealed. He gave
me the gift of prophecy.
PRIAM: Filia, it is not wise to anger a
god.
HECTOR: Indeed, if you made a promise
15
to him, then you must keep it.
HECTOR: Mi dei! I wouldn’t touch that
for your son-in-law?
PRIAM: All good lookers! How did you
you don’t have to keep every promise!
PARIS: I accepted the best bribe.
of prophecy? Is it wise or even desirable to be able to see the misery and
death of the future?
were you given?
CASSANDRA: Pater, do you want Apollo
PRIAM: My son-in-law? Well, maybe
HECUBA: And was it worth it, this gift
CASSANDRA: So far, I can only predict
what we’re having for dinner, but I’m
getting better all the time. Why, I even
saw Paris with a wife in one of my
visions.
HECTOR: That’ll be the day! Paris is a
confirmed bachelor! I don’t think our
little frater will ever settle down.
CASSANDRA: Well, I’m sure I saw it,
plain as day.
HECUBA: Nothing would make me hap-
pier than for Paris to find a nice girl,
settle down. . .(PARIS enters with
HELEN.)
PARIS: Mater, Pater! Hold onto your
stola and toga! Have I got a surprise
for you!
HECTOR: Frater! We were just talking
about you.
HECUBA: Welcome, home, Filii! How
with a ten-foot hasta!
decide?
HECUBA: A bribe? What kind of bribes
PARIS: Hera offered ownership of all of
Europe and Asia; Athena offered skill
in battle, wisdom and the abilities of
the greatest warriors; and Venus
offered the love of the most beautiful
woman on Earth, Helen of Sparta.
PRIAM: Ownership of Europe and Asia!
Optime! Surely you picked that?
HECTOR: No, no. I would guess the skill
in battle. A most worthy trait.
PARIS: No, I picked the third offer.
Helen! (Urges her forward) Helen,
meet the folks!
HELEN (Curtseying): I am delighted to
meet you. Paris has told me so much
about you.
CASSANDRA: Uh-oh! (Touches her forehead) I have a bad feeling about this.
HECUBA: Cassandra can see into the
future.
was Greece?
PARIS: Optime! What do you see?
Wealth? Children? A large palace?
HECTOR: You? Judge a beauty contest!
HECTOR: Husband! Helen has a hus-
PARIS: Funny you should ask. I got to
judge a beauty contest.
That should have been fun. How’d it
go?
PARIS: I had to decide between three
goddesses—Hera,
Athena,
and
Venus—and present one of them a
golden apple labeled “to the fairest.”
16
CASSANDRA (Closing her eyes): I see an
irate husband.
band? Paris, tell me you didn’t.
HELEN: It isn’t really Paris’s fault. I
wanted to come. Menelaus was malus.
He used to lock me in the cubiculum.
PRIAM (Worried): Menelaus? You don’t
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mean Menelaus, the king of Mycenae!
HELEN: Exactly! Do you know him?
PRIAM: I’m afraid so. He’s a fearless
warrior and would be a jealous husband.
HELEN (Thoughtfully): Menelaus does
have a bad temper if you get on his
wrong side.
HECTOR: Paris, you have to take her
back.
PARIS: No, we’re in love!
HECUBA: She’s already married!
PRIAM: Paris, you have caused us
much trouble. You have never learned
to think before you act. Surely the
Greek armies will descend upon Troy.
HELEN: Oh, I don’t want to be any bother. But I just can’t imagine that
Menelaus will go to war over little old
me. (CENTURIO enters left.)
CENTURIO: Sire, the god Apollo insists
that he be admitted. He says that he
will not take minime for an answer
this time. I think he means business.
PARIS: Apollo! I’m surprised that he
asks to be admitted. Usually, he just
shows up.
HECTOR: It’s a long story.
CASSANDRA: He’s on his best behavior
right now. He’s trying to win my hand.
HECUBA: You do not want to anger
Apollo, child.
PRIAM: Admit him, centurio.
CENTURIO: Ita vero, Rex. Gratias tibi
ago!
PRIAM: Cassandra, we will leave you to
deal with this yourself. We don’t want
MAY 2014
to have the gods angry with us. (To
PARIS) We will all adjourn to the atrium and discuss this Greece business
further. (They all exit right, except for
CASSANDRA. APOLLO enters left.)
APOLLO: Ah, Cassandra! You have
been eluding me. I have come to collect
your promise.
CASSANDRA: Oh, Apollo. I had quite
forgotten about you. Now, what was it
again that you wanted?
APOLLO: I wanted you. We had a deal. I
gave you the gift of prophecy and you—
CASSANDRA (Interrupting): And I ap-
preciate that, but it’s not very effective.
I can predict the dinner menu, who is
going to visit us. . .I even knew that my
brother Paris was going to bring a wife
home. I just didn’t realize at first that
she was someone else’s wife. There’re a
few kinks in this prophesying that I
have to work out.
APOLLO: It’s just a matter of focus.
You’ll get the hang of it.
CASSANDRA: Maybe we can work out a
deal. I am rather busy as a Vestal
Virgin.
APOLLO: That’s a minimum-wage job
with no benefits. What a waste!
CASSANDRA: Well, I’m having second
thoughts about my half of our bargain.
I’m not ready to settle down. Could you
wait a few more annos?
APOLLO: A few more years? (Becomes
angry) Cassandra, a promise is a
promise. You would not be wise to
anger the great god Apollo.
CASSANDRA: Can’t you cut me some
slack? You must have a string of goddesses after you, a handsome, intelligent, omnipotent, thoughtful, generous
god like you. (Fawns over him)
17
APOLLO (Puffing up): That’s all true,
but I don’t concede easily. Tell you
what—I’ll let you keep your powers of
prophecy, but no one will ever believe
you.
CASSANDRA: That’s no fun.
APOLLO: That’s as good as it’s going to
get. Take it or leave it.
CASSANDRA: Eheu! You drive a hard
bargain, Apollo.
APOLLO: You will live to regret your
decision to ignore me, Cassandra.
(Exits left)
CASSANDRA (To audience): Really!
How bad could it get? I can deal with
this. These people are my family. I’m a
princess. Surely they will believe me.
(AENEAS enters right.)
AENEAS: Salve, Cassandra! I just
heard the good news!
CASSANDRA: Oh, salve, Aeneas! What
good news?
AENEAS: That Paris brought home a
wife.
CASSANDRA: Oh, he brought home a
wife, all right. She’s just not his wife.
(She freezes; goes into a sudden trance.)
AENEAS: What’s the matter?
CASSANDRA: I just had a terrible vision!
AENEAS: A vision? Are you a haruspex?
CASSANDRA: A soothsayer? Well, sort
of. Apollo gave me the gift of prophecy.
AENEAS: The gift of prophecy! Right!
That is too funny! You’re a trip,
Cassandra.
CASSANDRA: I just saw a vision of Troy
being destroyed by the Greeks.
18
AENEAS: Ridicule! Troy is impenetrable! Even the Greeks can’t destroy it.
CASSANDRA: And I saw you founding a
new nation.
AENEAS (Laughing): Me? Found a new
nation? You need to stay away from
the vinum, Cassandra. Get real! (They
exit right. Sound of flute)
CHORUS I:
The beautiful Cassandra kept her gift
of prophecy
As the great god Apollo had promised.
But the Trojans laughed at her
predictions
And turned away from her warnings of
doom.
King Menelaus gathered armies to
march upon
The marbled city of Troy and reclaim
his stolen bride,
The beautiful Helen, taken by King
Priam’s son Paris,
Hidden within the palace bearing
great wonder and dread
About the outcome of the war that she
had caused.
CHORUS II:
For ten long years the Greeks fought
the Trojans,
Both sides protected by the gods and
goddesses.
Finally the great Greek warrior
Odysseus sent a Trojan horse
To the embattled city. “Beware of
Greeks bearing gifts!”
The horse was filled with Greek
soldiers
Who slipped out under cover of night
and destroyed Troy.
Troy, the beautiful jewel Illium, was no
more.
But Venus, the goddess of love, spared
her son Aeneas,
Aeneas, the great Trojan warrior. With
the help of the god Apollo,
Venus guided him to safety to found a
new nation.
***
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SETTING: Latinum.
AT RISE: VENUS and AENEAS enter.
VENUS: This is the land for your new
nation, my brave son. You and your followers have been spared a soldier’s
death in Troy.
AENEAS (Looking around): I only see
farmland. It’s nothing like Troy.
VENUS: It is waiting to be built. The
people here are farmers. To the north
lies the Etruscan nation with its rich
treasures.
AENEAS: Treasures? Then why are we
settling here? Let’s head north.
VENUS: It is here by the seven hills and
the Tiber River that you will build your
nation.
AENEAS: Are you sure about this? I’d
much rather have the treasure.
VENUS: Filii, you must have faith in
the gods. It is time for you to accept
your destiny. I was not happy that you
wasted so much time in Carthage with
that widow Queen Dido.
AENEAS: But Mom, she was DY-NOMITE, if you know what I mean.
VENUS: I had to send Mercury after
you. Jupiter was not pleased that you
were not inclined to lead your little
band of survivors directly to Italia.
AENEAS: Dido was heartbroken when I
left. Why couldn’t I just be king of
Carthage?
VENUS: Carthage was an old nation.
You are to found a new nation, Aeneas.
It is to be called Rome.
AENEAS: Rome? That’s not very catchy.
What’s wrong with calling it Aeneas?
After me.
MAY 2014
VENUS: It will be called Rome after
Romulus, one of your descendents. You
will only found the nation. It is
Romulus who will build it.
AENEAS: Romulus gets all the fun!
VENUS: Not really. He and his twin
brother Remus will be betrayed by
their uncle and raised by a she-wolf.
AENEAS: A she-wolf? O.K., Mom, you
need to get a grip. That is really ridiculous!
VENUS: They will return to the city as
young men and avenge their treachery.
AENEAS: But if Romulus and Remus
are twins, then why is the city named
after Romulus?
VENUS: It is the age-old story of jealousy and greed. The brothers will
fight, and Romulus will kill Remus.
AENEAS: Well, O.K., I guess I’d rather
be founder. So what do I have to do to
found this Rome?
VENUS: You will have to make friends
with the King Latinus of Latium.
AENEAS (Shrugging): Make friends? I
can do that. I’m a pretty sociable kind
of guy.
VENUS: Then you will have to fight the
angry Turnus, the King of the Rutuli.
AENEAS: No prob! I am a fearless and
skilled warrior. This sounds pretty
easy.
VENUS: Then you will have to marry
Latinus’ daughter, Lavinia.
AENEAS: Well, I don’t know about that.
What’s she like?
VENUS: That is not important.
19
AENEAS: It’s important to me. (MISENUS enters left with ACHATES.)
MISENUS: Hey, Aeneas! Oh! Salve,
Venus. (Bows) I did not know you were
visiting. Nice place here. Italia.
ACHATES: Well, anything’s better than
AENEAS (Holding head in hands): I’m
doomed!
VENUS: Son, you have your duty. Your
life was spared in Troy for this purpose. (Exits right)
being a corpse at Troy, stulte.
MISENUS: What’s she talking about,
Aeneas? What kind of duty?
river is clean.
Aeneas. How bad can it be?
MISENUS: The land is fertile and the
ACHATES: Excellent climate. Gentle
breezes from the sea.
MISENUS: Rolling hills. Great location
for a fort. You could see an enemy coming for miles.
ACHATES: And the women—Optime!
Well, all but one—what was the king’s
daughter’s name, Misenus?
MISENUS: Lavinia. . .but it should be
Canis. She is a real dog. I bet—
VENUS (Sternly): Satis!
AENEAS (Shaking his head): I think
I’m going to be sick.
ACHATES: Don’t worry, Aeneas. It’s not
like you’re going to have to marry her
or anything.
MISENUS: Ita vero! She’s engaged to
some king—Turnus, I think they said.
ACHATES: Amice, you’re off the hook.
20
ACHATES: You’re looking kinda aeger,
AENEAS: You have no idea. (They exit
left. Sound of flute)
CHORUS I:
Just as Venus promised, brave Aeneas
fought the Rutuli
And defeated Turnus in battle. He
married the daughter of Latinus
And began a great nation which he
named Lavinium.
CHORUS II:
The city-states of prosperous Etruria,
these sailors on the Tyrrhenian Sea,
Merchants and miners, who knew the
ancient Phoenicians,
Joined the Latins to create a great
nation, Rome.
CHORUS I and II (Together):
Rome, the king of all civilizations, the
jewel of the Tiber,
The diamond of the ancient world.
(They bow as curtain closes.)
THE END
(Production Notes on next page)
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Fabula Romae
(Play on pages 11-20)
PRODUCTION NOTES
CHARACTERS: 9 male; 4 female; 3 male
or female for Narrator, Centurio, Flute
Player; as many male and female
extras as desired for Chorus I and II.
PLAYING TIME: 30 minutes.
COSTUMES: All wear simple Roman costumes (togas, sandals, etc.), with specific accessories (e.g., Jupiter, scepter with
lightning bolt on the tip, Apollo carries
lyre, etc.) where necessary.
PROPERTIES: Whatever is appropriate
for the costuming—scepters, crowns,
spears, gold jewelry, etc.
SETTING: Same simple set for all
scenes—columns (made from cardboard
or rug cylinders) and benches are
placed around stage.
LIGHTING: No special effects.
SOUND: Thunder. Note: Offstage
recording of flute music may be used if
no flutist is available.
Latin-English Translations for “Fabula Romae”
aeger—sick
amice—friend
annos—years
aula—palace
caelum—sky
canis—dog
centurio—guard
consilium—plan
cubiculum—room
deus—god
domine—master
dona—gifts
ecce!—look!
ego promitto—I
promise
eheu!—oh hear!
fenestra—window
filia—daughter
filii (filius)—son
florae—flowers
fortasse—perhaps
fortis—brave, strong
frater—brother
tibi ago—thank you
haruspex—soothsayer
hasta—spear
ianua—door
ita vero—yes
ita vero, mi dei—
yes, my god
Italia—Italy
lauda—praise
leones—lions
malus—bad
mater—mother
minime, mi dei—
no, my god
muros—walls
nomen—name
nunc—now
optime—excellent
parvum—small
pater—father
patria—nation
pessimus—worst
pulchrae feminae—
beautiful women
regina—queen
sacerdos—priest
salve, mi rex—
greetings, my king
satis—enough!
sed—but
stola—long tunic or
robe
stulte—stupid
templum—temple
terra—earth
ubi est aurum?—
where is the gold?
ubi sunt statuae—
where are the statues?
vale—goodbye
verba—words
villae—houses
vinum—wine
Lights, Camera, Attitude!
(Play on pages 2-10)
CHARACTERS: 3 male; 3 female; 1 male
or female for Director.
PLAYING TIME: 25 minutes.
COSTUMES: Beth, nice sweater, blouse,
skirt, watch. Josh and Eric, T-shirts,
jeans, sneakers. Josh also wears ball
cap. Hailey, hooded sweater, black
jeans, sneakers. Lisa, paint-spattered
overalls, T-shirt, flip-flops. Jason, Tshirt, shorts, sandals. Director, shirt
untucked in places, tie slightly askew,
sneakers, one of which may be untied.
PROPERTIES: Scripts, backpack, nicelooking backpack containing half-full
bottle of water, notebook, pen, and mirMAY 2014
ror; can of paint and some brushes; box
labeled CASTLE: INTERIOR; a clipboard
full of paper of different sizes and a pen
dangling from a string.
SETTING: School gym. Various items
needed to stage a play are scattered
across the stage—music stands, boxes,
wooden stacking chairs and a coat rack
holding different lengths of material,
two crowns and a sword. There is also
a table with two chairs on either side.
LIGHTING: No special effects.
SOUND: Recording of an exaggeratedly
loud growling stomach.
21
Monologue (Upper & Middle Grades)
Plays is protected by
U.S. copyright law.
Only current subscribers
may use this play
(www.playsmagazine.com).
A Fish Story
A fun tale of an enchanted flounder, wishes coming
true, and being happy with what you have. . . .
by Alida E. Young
Characters
FISHERMAN’S WIFE
TIME: The present.
SETTING: Bare stage with stool.
AT RISE: FISHERMAN’S WIFE enters,
addresses audience.
FISHERMAN’S WIFE: I’m tired of fish-
wife jokes. Nobody realizes how hard it
is to be married to a fisherman. For one
thing, everyone always asks me for my
favorite fish recipes—and I don’t cook!
Listen, do you have some time to listen
to my side of the story? I just have to
tell this to someone. (Sits on stool)
It all started when my husband was
out fishing on the Santa Monica pier in
California. Jordan came home and as
always, I asked him (Sweetly), “How
were they biting today, dear?”
Jordan usually grumbles about the
surfers and the tourists who scare the
fish away, but this time (Slaps knee,
chuckling)—oh, I can hardly talk about
it without laughing—he said, “Today a
flounder spoke to me.”
22
Well, when you live near Hollywood
you get used to meeting some weird
characters, but (Incredulous) a talking
flounder? Not a mermaid, not a dolphin, not even an overweight tuna. A
flounder! (Shrugs and shakes her
head) I thought Jordan had been out
in the sun too long, or had been watching too many tuna commercials on TV,
because he claimed the flounder said,
(Claps hand to chest) “Fisherman! Let
me go, let me go! I won’t taste good.
Put me back in the sea.”
Jordan said he was so surprised by
hearing a fish talk (Sarcastically)—
one would certainly hope so—that he
put the fish back. Then—you won’t
believe this—Jordan said the flounder
claimed to be—you’ll die when you
hear this—an enchanted prince!
(Laughs uproariously)
When I could stop laughing I said,
“Jordan, you’ve been had. Somebody’s
a ventriloquist.”
“No,” he said. “I was the only person
on the pier. It was just the enchanted
flounder and me.”
Now, you know how it always works
in the fairy tales. You find a fish or a
frog who’s enchanted and you get a
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wish. But I was only kidding when I
asked him, “What did you wish for? A
condominium?” (Matter-of-factly) You
see, we live in a little trailer that’s so
small, we have to sleep on the table.
(Crosses heart) I swear Jordan was
serious when he said, “Why should I
wish for anything?”
Still managing to keep my face
straight, I said, “Because I hate this
tiny trailer. There’s not even room for
my surfboard. You go right back to
that pier and tell that flounder I want
a nice condominium.”
I couldn’t believe it, but, the next
morning Jordan actually went back. I
followed him and hid. He went out to
the end of the pier and started yelling
over the water (Holds hand to mouth to
yell), “Oh, enchanted flounder or
prince, come out of the sea!” Using this
crazy kind of language he went on to
say that his wife wanted a house. Well,
I didn’t stay around to listen to any
more. I figured he knew I was listening, and was putting me on.
I decided to go shopping and was
gone for a long time. When I got back
to our street, I thought I was lost. Our
trailer was gone, and in its place was a
lovely mobile home. I swear I don’t
know how Jordan did it so fast. (In disbelief) There was even a picket fence
around it! And do you know what
Jordan said? He tried to pass it off as if
the enchanted fish had done it. Of
course, I didn’t believe him.
It was fine at first, but it took me
only a few weeks to realize what a
lemon that house was. (Indignantly)
Talk about poorly built! Nothing
worked right. The faucets dripped, the
doors stuck. (Outraged) Why, it didn’t
have a dishwasher or even a garbage
disposal. Can you imagine? The last
straw was the day I found termites.
(Disgustedly) When I fell though the
floor, I yelled at Jordan, “I hate this
place! Why don’t you ask your stupid
flounder for a stone castle? At least it
MAY 2014
wouldn’t have termites!”
That night I got a call from my sister
in Walla Walla, asking me to visit her
for a week or so. (Leans forward and
speaks confidentially) I know you won’t
believe me, but, when I got home a
stone home was sitting in the place of
the mobile home. (Shakes head,
amazed) Not exactly a castle, but it did
have a tower.
I looked around and only half-jokingly said to Jordan, “With a mansion like
this you ought to run for Mayor.”
Jordan has about as much ambition
as a gnat and he said, “I don’t know
anything about politics.”
And I said, “When did that ever stop
anyone from running for office?” Then
it occurred to me that I could run for
office. So I said to Jordan, “You just go
out to that pier and talk to your dumb
old fish and tell him that your wife
wants to be Mayor. Then, who knows,
maybe I’ll be the first woman
President. As long as you’re asking,
tell him a queen might be fun, too.”
That day, Jordan went fishing, and
when he came home I caught him staring at me in an odd way. Trying to get
him to smile, I said, “Well, what did
your enchanted flounder say?”
I’m telling you, he gave me a real
chill when he said, in a very serious,
quiet way (Pauses and lowers voice), “It
will come to pass.”
(Stands and puts hands on hips) This
wasn’t funny anymore. Jordan went up
to his turret and stayed there for a
week. He didn’t come down for meals.
He just stayed in that tower. Now I
was getting worried. Maybe he did
believe his fish story, and if he did, he
had problems.
I decided to go to the new supermarket in the mall, to get away from it all.
They were giving away prizes and double coupons. My mind was on Jordan
and I didn’t notice all the cameras and
people around the checkout stand until
23
somebody yelled, “You have chosen the
secret grocery item—pickled artichoke
hearts. You are the supermarket
queen-for-a-day!”
I nearly fell over my grocery cart.
The coincidence was spooky. A supermarket queen-for-a-day is hardly the
same as a real queen, but then, I hadn’t been specific, had I?
I hurried home and told Jordan I was
going to be on the evening news, but he
wouldn’t speak to me, even when I told
him I was fixing pickled artichoke
hearts, his favorite food.
That night I couldn’t sleep so I decided to take a walk. I went to the pier.
There was a full moon and the sea was
silvery. (Looks all around) I made sure
I was alone, and then I whispered,
“Flounder—can you hear me?”
The waves lapped gently against the
wooden pilings and I swear it sounded
like a voice saying (Whispers), “I hear
you. . . .I hear you. . . .”
I felt stupid talking to a fish, but I
had no other choice. “Flounder, I don’t
believe in you, but somehow my wishes have come true. So, please, whoever
or whatever you are, I don’t want to be
President or queen. I don’t want a
stone house. I just want my husband
back the way he was before he met
you.”
Suddenly the pier began to shake.
Earthquake! I started to run. I had to
get to Jordan. If the stone house collapsed, and Jordan was in it, I’d never
24
forgive myself. (Breathless) I raced
faster. My heart was pounding.
In the moonlight I could see the huge
pile of stones that used to be a house.
“Jordan!” I screamed. Frantically I
pawed through the rubble. I couldn’t
find him. Suddenly I saw our old trailer, the only thing still standing. If only
I’d been content to live in it! Suddenly
the door opened and a sleepy-eyed
Jordan peered out. Relieved beyond
belief to see him, I cried, “Are you all
right?”
He seemed a bit dazed as he said, “I
have a little headache.”
Laughing and crying with relief, I
hugged him. Then Jordan said abruptly, “Let’s go to an all-night seafood
restaurant. I’m starved.” But when we
got there and he looked at the menu,
he said, “You know, for some reason, I
don’t feel like eating fish.”
I could hardly blame him. As for me,
I ordered a vegetable plate. No way
was I going to eat fish.
Back in our old trailer, I found I
couldn’t sleep. I slipped out and headed for the pier. I was wondering why
Jordan didn’t remember anything that
had happened since he caught the
flounder,
(Looks
all
around)
“Flounder? Are you still out there?”
The waves lapped against the pilings. “If you can hear me, Flounder
(Whispers), thanks. As long as I live I’ll
never, never wish for another thing.”
(Exits)
THE END
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this play (www.playsmagazine.com).
Upper Grades
The Masque of the Red Death
Bring out your dead! The chilling tale of a prince who
ignores the illness overtaking his people, and locks
himself away behind thick castle walls.
Surely he and his friends will be safe now? . . .
by Edgar Allan Poe and adapted by Craig Sodaro
Characters
TROUBADOR
PROSPERO, a prince
VALENTINA, his wife
PRIME MINISTER
FORTUNETELLER
DOCTOR
SIX GUESTS
SERVANT
SCENE 1
TIME: In the distant past.
SETTING: A balcony overlooking the city,
TROUBADOR: Allow me to introduce
our illustrious Prince Prospero, ruler
of this quaint kingdom long ago and
far away. He is a handsome man, a
powerful man, a confident man. He
likes things to go his way, and when
they don’t, he makes them go his way.
He has means, influence, and, most of
all, money.
PRIME MINISTER: Your highness, it
appears that three merchant ships are
missing.
PROSPERO: Really? As Prime Minister,
you shouldn’t have mislaid them.
PRIME MINISTER: Your highness, I
never—
played before the curtain.
PROSPERO: Come, come, I spoke in
jest. What of these ships?
over the audience. PRIME MINISTER
reads a scroll. TROUBADOR enters left.
He is unseen by all other actors.
from the colonies loaded with food, and
were to have arrived a week ago today.
But there has been no sign of them.
AT RISE: PROSPERO stands looking out
MAY 2014
PRIME MINISTER: They were arriving
25
PROSPERO: Perhaps a storm—
PRIME MINISTER: The weather has
been clear, your highness.
PROSPERO: Then perhaps pirates.
PRIME MINISTER: I. . .I am afraid you
might be right.
PROSPERO: What kind of scoundrels
will steal grain from the mouths of the
multitudes?
PRIME MINISTER: Not to mention exotic fruit and wine and spices.
PROSPERO: See to it that my men hunt
down these pirates and punish them
severely.
PRIME MINISTER: They’ll do what they
can, your highness, but it has been a
week—
PROSPERO: Yes, yes—and if they’re as
PROSPERO: Dead? These people are all
dead? I want an explanation!
PRIME MINISTER: I have been trying to
tell you for weeks—
PROSPERO: Bring the royal physician
at once! (PRIME MINISTER exits left.)
We’ll see about this! (VALENTINA
enters right, holding a dazzling necklace.)
VALENTINA: Here you are, Prospero!
Look what I have! (She holds up necklace.)
PROSPERO: Valentina! The only thing
lovelier than the necklace is you, my
dear.
VALENTINA: Help me put it on, will
you? (He clasps it around her neck.)
PROSPERO (Good-naturedly): And how
many ducats has this cost me?
lazy as everyone else in my kingdom,
I’m sure the thieves will get away.
VALENTINA: Do you remember that
PROSPERO: Look at them down there in
the streets, lolling their time away.
Why are so many of my subjects just
lying about?
PROSPERO (With a laugh): I had to
teach him the correct way to bow,
didn’t I?
PRIME MINISTER: Lazy, your highness?
PRIME MINISTER: Your highness, I
have been trying to tell you—
PROSPERO (Bored): I know, I know.
They don’t have enough to eat.
PRIME MINISTER: These people have
been struck down by plague. They are
not lolling about, wasting time. They
are dead, your highness. They are
dead! (TROUBADOR enters right with
triangle. He hits the triangle.)
TROUBADOR (Crossing to left): Bring
out your dead! Bring out your dead!
(Exits left)
26
nasty man who wouldn’t sell his land
so you could build your new royal
citadel overlooking the bay?
VALENTINA: Yes, well, his wife used
this to try and get him out of prison.
PROSPERO: A bribe?
VALENTINA: Well, yes, but it’s a lovely
one, isn’t it?
PROSPERO: I ought to send them both
to the gallows. But it seems like I won’t
have to.
VALENTINA: What do you mean?
PROSPERO: Apparently some disease is
doing the job for me. Look down there.
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VALENTINA: Why, how awful! The
streets are a terrible mess! (TROUBADOR enters left with his triangle.)
TROUBADOR: Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead! (TROUBADOR
exits right as PRIME MINISTER and
DOCTOR enter.)
PRIME MINISTER: Your highness, the
royal physician.
DOCTOR (Bowing): Your highness. I am
glad you have finally agreed to—
PROSPERO: Just tell me how I can keep
myself safe from this pestilence.
DOCTOR: There is only one way to keep
safe from the Red Death.
VALENTINA: The Red Death?
DOCTOR: It is called that because the
disease causes severe bleeding, making the faces of the victims turn a
bright red before death.
PROSPERO: What medicine can I take
to make myself immune?
DOCTOR: None.
PROSPERO: Come, come, doctor. There
is no amount of money I won’t pay to
have the formula that will keep me
safe. (FORTUNETELLER enters
right.)
FORTUNETELLER: There is no formula!
PROSPERO: And who’s this?
MINISTER: The blind for-
tuneteller.
PRIME
FORTUNETELLER: I cannot see that I
may see more clearly, your highness.
VALENTINA: Go away!
FORTUNETELLER: I frighten you?
MAY 2014
VALENTINA: Go away!
PROSPERO: No! No, fortuneteller—tell
my fortune!
FORTUNETELLER: Give me your hand.
VALENTINA: Don’t, Prospero.
DOCTOR: This is nonsense.
FORTUNETELLER: Give me your hand!
(PROSPERO does so.)
PROSPERO: What do I have to fear?
FORTUNETELLER (Holding his hand):
Oh, yes. . .yes. . .it will come to pass!
(FORTUNETELLER
grips
PROSPERO’s hand so tightly he yells
and jerks his hand away as she whispers in his ear.)
PROSPERO: How dare you!
VALENTINA: What? What will come to
pass?
FORTUNETELLER: It will come to pass,
just as I say! (FORTUNETELLER
exits left.)
PRIME MINISTER: Are you all right,
your highness?
PROSPERO: Silly old fool!
PRIME MINISTER: Shall I have her
arrested?
VALENTINA: No! Leave her be.
PROSPERO: I just want to know what I
can do about this pestilence, physician.
Speak!
DOCTOR: Your highness, the only way
to be safe is to leave the city and find a
place where all contact with those who
might bear the illness is completely cut
off.
27
PRIME MINISTER: But such a place
doesn’t exist.
PROSPERO: Yes, it does. Come! We’ve
no time to lose! (TROUBADOR enters
right as PROSPERO, VALENTINA,
DOCTOR, and PRIME MINISTER
exit left.)
TROUBADOR: And so the prince led the
small party to the one place where the
walls were so thick even the fog could
not seep through, where the walls were
so high a bird could not fly over them,
where the provisions were stored so
deeply that one could spend an eternity within the safe enclosure. He led
them to the citadel. (Curtain)
***
SCENE 2
TIME: A few days later.
SETTING: A large room in the citadel.
Benches here and there, a candelabra
sitting on a small table. Chest holding
badminton rackets, shuttlecock, books,
playing cards, etc., is left.
AT RISE: TROUBADOR still stands
down right. PROSPERO, PRIME
MINISTER, and DOCTOR enter left.
PRIME MINISTER: It seems secure
enough.
VALENTINA: We have guests!
TROUBADOR: Not wanting to be completely alone, Prince Prospero invited
friends—of very good and healthy
backgrounds—to join him in the safety
of the citadel. (SIX GUESTS enter
right, led by SERVANT.)
SERVANT: And this is the Great Room
for your comfort and pleasure.
1ST GUEST: It’s so big!
2ND GUEST: It’s beautiful!
3RD GUEST: I’ve never seen such a
magnificent ceiling.
4TH GUEST: The figures, do they repre-
sent characters from Greek mythology?
5TH GUEST: Yes, gods and goddesses!
6TH GUEST: Zeus...Hera...Persephone.
VALENTINA: Oh, you are silly, my
friends!
PROSPERO: The female figures are
Valentina—and the male figures are
yours truly.
DOCTOR: The walls are thick.
PRIME MINISTER (Coaxing): You do see
the likenesses, don’t you?
PRIME MINISTER: They’re very tall.
2ND GUEST: It’s the costumes that
TROUBADOR: Five feet.
TROUBADOR: Fifteen feet.
PROSPERO: And now that the gates are
sealed shut, the citadel is impregnable.
1ST GUEST: Absolutely!
threw me.
PROSPERO: Well, come in, come in. (To
SERVANT) Bring food and drink for
our guests.
TROUBADOR (Not convinced): Yes. Yes,
SERVANT: Very good, my lord. (SER-
PROSPERO: We have food aplenty! We
have drink! We have games and entertainments! (VALENTINA enters left.)
3RD GUEST: This citadel is new, is it
it is.
28
VANT bows, exits right.)
not, your highness?
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PROSPERO: The plaster in some of the
PROSPERO: Please! There is to be no
TROUBADOR: And so the cheerful group
settled into their daily routine. (From
chest VALENTINA takes out badminton rackets and gives them to two
GUESTS. PROSPERO takes out cards
and gives them to several more
GUESTS, who sit on the benches and
play cards. PRIME MINISTER takes
out books, which he gives to remaining
GUESTS. They pace and read. DOCTOR takes the pulse of each of the
actors while TROUBADOR speaks.)
The guests played badminton, and
some of them became quite good at the
game. Others, alas, did not. Several
guests enjoyed playing cards and making ridiculous wagers for millions of
ducats. Of course, since their money
was elsewhere, it was all for fun. So
many books were read by the guests
that they became even brighter than
they were when they first took refuge
in the citadel. In the evening, entertainment was provided. (GUESTS put
their “toys” back into the chest as
VALENTINA steps to center.)
6TH GUEST: I’m sorry, your highness.
you a story. (All sit on benches and
floor.)
rooms is still wet, I’m afraid.
VALENTINA: But not in any of yours.
4TH GUEST: It certainly is quite a
fortress.
PRIME MINISTER: Nothing can get in.
We are safe from anything that might
circulate around us.
DOCTOR: Of course, if nothing can get
in—nothing can get out.
PROSPERO: Oh, come, come, Doctor.
Don’t be so gloomy.
5TH GUEST: I for one am very glad that
we’re here.
6TH GUEST: Yes! That horrible Red
Death is wreaking havoc in every corner of the—
mention of. . .outside affairs now that
we are safe here.
VALENTINA: We’re here to be like one
big family—and together we’ll have
great fun! (SERVANT enters with a
tray on which are drinks and food.)
PROSPERO: And now, let us each take a
glass. (Each actor takes a glass.) We
are here because we are the best, the
strongest, the brightest, and the ones
who will prevail. (He lifts his glass.) To
us! May we always prosper!
ALL: To us!
MINISTER: And to Prince
Prospero, for providing us refuge!
PRIME
ALL: To Prince Prospero. (TROUBA-
DOR moves to center. SERVANT takes
glasses on tray and exits right.)
MAY 2014
VALENTINA: Tonight I am going to tell
1ST GUEST: Great fun, Valentina!
2ND GUEST: We love stories!
3RD GUEST: I hope it’s a funny one.
4TH GUEST: Did you write it?
VALENTINA: Oh, no. I could never write
a story.
5TH GUEST: Then who did write it?
6TH GUEST: I know! Prince Prospero.
PROSPERO: Guilty! And without further ado, my dear. . .
VALENTINA: Once upon a time there
was a prince.
29
1ST GUEST: Guess who!
2ND GUEST: Is this about you, your
highness?
PROSPERO: Perish the thought.
3RD GUEST: Did this prince ever really
live?
4TH GUEST: Of course not. This is a
story.
5TH GUEST: But that means it’s not
true.
6TH GUEST: Or is it, your highness?
PROSPERO: I’ll never tell, and you’ll
never know unless you listen.
VALENTINA: Once upon a time there
was a prince. He was handsome, brave,
and very powerful. His people loved
him dearly and they provided him with
all the trappings of luxury a prince
could want. Whenever he appeared on
the balcony of his palace, they would
wave and shout and exclaim their love
for him. But one day Death entered the
kingdom.
1ST GUEST: What did he look like?
VALENTINA: He was dressed head to
toe in black.
2ND GUEST: And his face?
VALENTINA: As ugly as an old crone’s
face, twisted and distorted.
3RD GUEST: No one we know, of course.
PROSPERO: Absolutely not!
4TH GUEST: So Death entered the kingdom.
VALENTINA: Yes, and he began to slay
the people. When the prince found out,
he vowed on the grave of his ancestors
30
that he would defeat Death.
5TH GUEST: A true hero, then!
VALENTINA: Yes. He jumped on his
white steed and rode out of the castle.
He rode up one street after another. He
heard the moans of the dying, the tears
of those who had lost loved ones. He
asked at one door after another, “Have
you seen Death?” But no one knew
where Death was hiding. So the prince
returned to the castle, downhearted
but not defeated.
6TH GUEST: I know where Death is!
VALENTINA: Sh-h-h! The prince gave
his horse to the groom, went inside,
and sat on his throne. When he looked
up, Death was standing before him.
1ST GUEST: Oh, no!
2ND GUEST: What does he do?
PROSPERO: He did the only thing he
could. He laughed! He laughed long
and hard.
VALENTINA: It’s true. He laughed in
the face of Death. And when he heard
the laughter, Death didn’t know what
to do. He never saw the prince grab the
sword at his side and was taken by
surprise when the prince plunged the
weapon into Death’s heart.
3RD GUEST: Bravo!
VALENTINA: Death immediately fell to
the floor.
4TH GUEST: As he should!
VALENTINA: The kingdom was thus
saved, and to honor their prince, the
people of the kingdom brought him to
the Great Square and sat him on one
side of the giant scale. On the other
side they piled his weight in gold.
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5TH GUEST: It’s what you deserve, your
highness.
DOCTOR: Would that you could truly
slay Death.
PROSPERO: It’s only a story, good doc-
is no way to behave. (Arguing stops.)
Perhaps it would be best if everyone
retired to his room for a rest.
VALENTINA: A good idea. Doctor, what
do you think?
6TH GUEST: And for us, you have slain
DOCTOR: Yes, of course. Absence will
make your hearts grow fonder. (SERVANT enters right with a letter.)
VALENTINA: That’s right! Death cannot
word from the outside?
tor.
Death!
stalk us in here.
TROUBADOR: And the good cheer con-
tinued. (All pick up their activities from
before—badminton, cards, reading—
and at times switch.) Outside, however, the Red Death continued on its
relentless quest to take as many souls
as possible. (TROUBADOR pulls out
triangle and taps it several times,
speaking in a stage whisper.) Bring out
your dead! Bring out your dead! (Puts
triangle away) The suffering in the
kingdom was without parallel. As the
months passed, the guests began to get
on one another’s nerves. (1ST GUEST
throws badminton racket down.)
1ST GUEST: You’ve cheated again!
2ND GUEST: Again?
1ST GUEST: You always cheat!
2ND GUEST: I never cheat.
3RD GUEST: Except every time you pick
up a racket!
2ND GUEST: You take that back!
4TH GUEST: It’s true!
5TH GUEST: And you cheat at cards.
6TH GUEST: Well, so do you! (GUESTS
argue loudly.)
PRIME MINISTER: People! People! This
MAY 2014
1ST GUEST: Oh, servant. . .is there any
2ND GUEST: My friends, the Witherspoons. . .is there any word?
SERVANT: I have heard nothing.
3RD GUEST: My aunt’s name is
Jamison. . .have you possibly heard
anything?
4TH GUEST: What about my cousins
who live in the next village?
SERVANT: There is no news. We do not
get any news from outside the walls.
5TH GUEST: Then where did that letter
come from?
SERVANT: It is a message from the
cooks. (SERVANT hands letter to
PROSPERO, who reads it during next
dialogue then exits left.)
6TH GUEST: Perhaps asking for better
recipes.
1ST GUEST: Yes! We’ve eaten the same
thing three days in a row.
2ND GUEST: I’m tired of chicken.
3RD GUEST: And the eggs aren’t fresh.
4TH GUEST: What I wouldn’t give for
some butter.
5TH GUEST: What about an apple? I’d
kill for an apple.
31
6TH GUEST: Don’t look at me! I’m not
hiding an apple.
VALENTINA: I’m sure Prince Prospero
will be able to remedy the situation if
we give him half a chance.
TROUBADOR (Looking over the shoulder
of PROSPERO): The message regretfully informs the prince that much of
the food was now gone and the same
was true of drinks. The chickens in the
yard have all been butchered, so the
last of the eggs have been eaten. The
garden has been picked clean. As
meekly as possible, the cooks want to
know, “What do we do now?” (PROSPERO crumples the letter and smiles.)
PROSPERO: My friends! As my princess
says, I shall remedy the situation.
Tonight we shall do something special.
We shall have a masque!
1ST GUEST (Excitedly): A masque, you
mean a ball?
2ND GUEST: With masks and all?
PROSPERO: Exactly! It will be the most
fantastic masque ever! There will be
music and dancing!
3RD GUEST: But what about food?
PROSPERO: The best will be served, for
I have a confession. I have been saving
the best food until now.
4TH GUEST: Meat and fruit and cakes?
PROSPERO: As much as you want.
5TH GUEST: I’m going to get ready right
now!
6TH GUEST: Me, too. Prospero is one
prince of a guy! (Cheerfully GUESTS
exit left, SERVANT exits right.)
VALENTINA: Oh, Prospero, how incredibly ingenious of you!
32
PROSPERO: Expect nothing less, my
dear. Now, run along and get ready!
(VALENTINA exits right.)
PRIME MINISTER: How fortunate you’ve
saved the best until now.
DOCTOR: Yes, we’ll be looking forward
to a change of menu. Thank you, your
highness. (DOCTOR bows and exits
left.)
PRIME MINISTER: May I ask where this
food has come from, your highness?
PROSPERO: You may, but I may not tell
you.
PRIME MINISTER: No sign of those
three merchant ships has ever been
found.
PROSPERO: And if you look too deeply
for them, it could cost you your head.
PRIME MINISTER: Your highness, far be
it from me to look too deeply at anything! Until this evening, then.
(PRIME MINISTER bows and exits
left, PROSPERO exits right.)
TROUBADOR: And so the cooks spent
the day storing in new provisions that
came from a cave beneath the citadel.
There were crates of fruit kept fresh by
the sea air. There were barrels of grain
and sugar, dried figs and apricots,
hams, sausages, and the best wines
from the continent. The cooks had
never seen so much food and knew that
they had enough to last seemingly forever. From among the servants a small
orchestra was formed. (SERVANT
enters right with bouquets of flowers,
which he or she places here and there.)
Flowers were gathered and set about
the Great Room, candles were lit, and
the fireplaces blazed warmly. (SERVANT exits left.) At the stroke of nine,
the Great Room filled with the happy
revelers. (TROUBADOR takes out triangle and strikes it nine times, then
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exits left. On final note, PROSPERO
and VALENTINA enter right as
GUESTS, DOCTOR, and PRIME
MINISTER enter left. To signify being
“dressed” for the ball, each actor wears
a different colored cape and a mask of
the same color. Masks can be as simple
or elaborate as budget allows.)
PROSPERO: Welcome! Welcome one and
all! (Classical music begins to play.)
VALENTINA: Eat, drink, and be merry!
1ST GUEST: For tomorrow we’ll still be
here.
2ND GUEST: Safe and sound.
3RD GUEST: We have an apology to
issue, your highness.
PROSPERO: Pray, no!
4TH GUEST: Oh, yes, for earlier we
spoke out of turn.
5TH GUEST: We are very grateful for
your hospitality.
PROSPERO: Tonight allow your palates
to savor the best life has to offer!
VALENTINA: Caviar! (All ooh and ahh.)
PRIME MINISTER: And are these truffles?
PROSPERO: Only the finest for my
friends.
DOCTOR: But beware! (Jokingly) Too
much rich food can make you sorry in
the morning!
2ND GUEST: I won’t care a bit!
3RD GUEST: I intend to give in to every
temptation.
1ST GUEST: Three cheers for the prince!
ALL: Hip, hip, hurray! Hip, hip, hurray!
MAY 2014
Hip, hip, hurray! (SERVANT runs on
left.)
SERVANT: Your highness!
PROSPERO: What do you mean, interrupting like this?
SERVANT: There is a stranger in the
citadel!
VALENTINA: A stranger?
PRIME MINISTER: Impossible!
PROSPERO: Are the gates still barred?
SERVANT: Yes, your highness! And
that’s not all. The kitchen is empty.
The cooks are all gone.
1ST GUEST: Gone where?
SERVANT: I don’t know.
2ND GUEST: Did you see this stranger?
SERVANT: No, but another servant saw
him.
3RD GUEST: How will we know him?
SERVANT: He is dressed all in black.
4TH GUEST: We must find him!
5TH GUEST: We must get rid of him!
6TH GUEST: He could infect us all!
PROSPERO: Everyone! Go by pairs and
search! Search high and low! Don’t
stop until this intruder can be found!
(GUESTS, PRIME MINISTER, DOCTOR, and SERVANT exit quickly right
and left. The music stops.)
VALENTINA: How could this happen,
Prospero?
PROSPERO: There’s only one way. We
have been betrayed!
33
VALENTINA: But how? Why?
PROSPERO: I don’t know! But don’t
worry. I’ll find the intruder, and when I
do—(PHANTOM enters left, unseen by
PROSPERO, but seen by VALENTINA,
who screams and runs off right.)
Valentina! (PHANTOM laughs. PROSPERO slowly turns to face PHANTOM,
who is swathed in a black cape, with
black gloves and a pure white mask.)
Who are you? What do you want?
(PHANTOM steps closer to PROSPERO.) No! Don’t come any closer!
Who are you? (PHANTOM ad-vances
another step.) Minister! Doctor!
Guards! Guards! He’s in here! Come at
once! Minister! Anyone?
PHANTOM: In the end, you are alone,
Prospero. Completely alone.
PROSPERO: You know that fortune-
teller! That’s what the old hag told me!
But I’m not alone! My minister is looking for you. The guests are looking for
you! We’re all safe here. I’ve conquered
the Red Death!
PHANTOM: Have you? I hate to bring
you bad news, but your minister, your
guests, your precious Valentina—I
have claimed them for my own.
PROSPERO: Who. . .what are you?
PHANTOM: Haven’t you guessed?
(PHANTOM removes his mask, revealing he is TROUBADOR, but his face is
now frightening and red.) I am the Red
Death! (PHANTOM/TROUBADOR
takes out triangle and taps it several
times. PROSPERO slowly sinks to the
floor as the curtain falls.)
THE END
The Masque of the Red Death
PRODUCTION NOTES
CHARACTERS: 2 female (Valentina,
Fortuneteller), 1 male (Prospero);
remaining 10 characters may be male
or female. If desired, extras can be
added.
PLAYING TIME: 30 minutes.
COSTUMES: Medieval dress as much as
possible. Long dresses for female characters, headpieces as desired. Valentina is dressed more elaborately and
wears more jewelry than Guests.
Prospero wears dark pants, a blousy
shirt with long sleeves, a very colorful
vest, a colorful sash, and a hat. Doctor
and Prime Minister, black or dark
pants and robes, such as a graduation
gown. They may wear hats, as desired.
Troubador is dressed colorfully with
bright pants, a brightly colored longsleeved shirt, a vest, and a hat with a
feather in it. Fortuneteller wears
ragged clothing with an old kerchief
tied around her head. Capes and
34
masks for Guests, Prospero, Valentina,
Prime Minister, and Doctor at the end.
Black cape with hood and mask for
Troubador at the end. NOTE: Troubador should apply red makeup before
donning black robe and mask for the
final confrontation.
PROPERTIES: Scroll, triangle with
baton, sparkling necklace, tray of
snacks and glasses, letter, several
vases of flowers.
SETTING: Scene 1 is played before the
curtain. Nothing is required. Scene 2
takes place in a large room in the
Citadel. Benches here and there with a
decorated chest set left or right. In the
chest are decks of cards, books, badminton rackets and shuttlecock, etc.
Decorations as desired.
LIGHTING: No special effects.
SOUND: Classical piece of music, as
indicated in the script.
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Plays is protected by U.S. copyright law.
Only current subscribers may use this
play (www.playsmagazine.com).
Middle Grades
Cinderella Bridezilla
Characters from different fairy tales get mixed
together, and all weigh in on an arranged marriage
that seems doomed even before it takes place. . . .
by Amy Green
Characters
RAPUNZEL, the prince’s longsuf-
fering friend
CINDERELLA, a bratty former servant
MIRROR, a fairy godmother, stands
behind a full-length mirror
HANSEL, a radical protester disguised as a cameraman
GRETEL, his business partner
FROG PRINCE, timid, but goodhearted
KING COLE, a savvy politician
SETTING: An elegant dressing room. A
large, full-length mirror stands up left.
There is a table with various perfumes
and cosmetics, as well as a number of
curlers and straighteners, with extension cords trailing offstage. There are
MAY 2014
also a few chairs covered with fancy
dresses and a door at right, not all the
way offstage.
AT RISE: CINDERELLA, in dressing
gown, is sitting in a chair while
RAPUNZEL fixes her hair. Actor playing MIRROR is standing hidden
behind the mirror.
RAPUNZEL: Well, tomorrow’s the big
day, Cinderella.
CINDERELLA: Excuse me? Is that any
way to talk to your superior? You may
call me Your Highness.
RAPUNZEL: You’re not exactly my
superior. I was part of this royal court
long before your moment in the spotlight. And your soon-to-be groom
asked me to be your maid of honor.
CINDERELLA: Oh, that’s right. I keep
forgetting you’re not a servant.
(Primping in the mirror) Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of
them all?
MIRROR: You are, of course. (Aside)
35
Boy, is that one getting old.
CINDERELLA (Startled): It’s alive!
RAPUNZEL: Of course. If it couldn’t
answer, why do you think people
would ask it questions?
CINDERELLA: Because they like hearing
themselves talk?
MIRROR: I’m sure you’re speaking from
personal experience.
CINDERELLA: What was that?
MIRROR: Nothing.
CINDERELLA: Oh, no! One of my nails is
chipped. I’ll need your help to redo the
entire manicure. . .Rachelle, wasn’t it?
RAPUNZEL: Rapunzel. Princess Rapunzel, actually, but who cares about
titles?
CINDERELLA: I’ll certainly care once I
get one of my own. (Looking in the mirror again) When they make the commemorative stamp with my face on it,
do you think they’ll change the shape
of my nose?
RAPUNZEL: Oh, I get the feeling you’re
the type who can get just about anything you want. Now, if you—
CINDERELLA: Which reminds me, I
never did get to see the revised menu
for the reception. Would you check up
on that? It should be lemon-dusted
salmon, low-sodium, non-fat baked
potatoes with organic seasoning, diet
water, and—(HANSEL and GRETEL
enter and knock at the door at right.)
Oh. It must be the court artist, begging
to schedule my portrait appointment.
(HANSEL and GRETEL knock louder.)
RAPUNZEL (Dryly): Allow me.
CINDERELLA: Well, you didn’t expect
36
me to answer the door, did you?
(RAPUNZEL opens the door. HANSEL
and GRETEL enter.)
HANSEL: Good morning, your future
highness!
CINDERELLA: Who are you?
HANSEL: I’m Hansel, and this is my
business partner, Gretel.
GRETEL: So honored to meet you.
HANSEL: We’re with the Fairy Television Network. You may have seen
our hit show, Bibbidi Bobbity Brides.
CINDERELLA: Never heard of it.
GRETEL: Of course, with your royal
wedding happening tomorrow, it was a
dream come true to get King Cole’s
permission to film you as you prepare.
CINDERELLA: Excuse me, did you say—
film? You mean with—cameras?
HANSEL: Provided you don’t mind
becoming a kingdom-wide star.
CINDERELLA: No, no, of course not. It’s
just. . .would you excuse us for a
minute?
HANSEL: We’ll just go get the camera
equipment. (HANSEL and GRETEL
exit right.)
CINDERELLA: Why didn’t you tell me a
film crew was coming? My hair is a
mess!
RAPUNZEL: So sorry. After seventeen
interruptions, I forgot I wasn’t invisible.
CINDERELLA: I’m going to change into
my wedding dress. (She exits left.)
MIRROR: How did you get stuck with
this job?
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RAPUNZEL: Favor to the groom. He
knew I was the only one around here
who could put up with her.
MIRROR: He was right. I’m about ready
to break out of this frame and teach
her a lesson.
RAPUNZEL: Now would be a great time
for one of those fairy godmothers to
show up and rescue me.
MIRROR: I am a fairy godmother. We
have to spend our first five years in
training as inanimate objects.
RAPUNZEL: Figures. My fairy godmother is behind an inch of glass and hanging on the wall.
MIRROR: Cheer up, hon. It’ll work out.
It always does. (FROG PRINCE enters
right and knocks on the door. RAPUNZEL goes to answer it.)
RAPUNZEL: Come on in. The diva has
left the building.
FROG PRINCE: How’s it going? Are you
and
Cinderella
acquainted?
getting
better
RAPUNZEL: Here. (Hands him a paper
from her pocket)
FROG PRINCE: Wow, there are a lot of
tally marks here. What’s it for? Not the
number of guests at the reception, I
hope.
RAPUNZEL: That would be the number
of times I’ve wanted to punch your
bride-to-be in the face.
FROG PRINCE: Really? (RAPUNZEL
nods solemnly.) She can’t be that bad—
can she?
RAPUNZEL: You can watch the docu-
mentary to see. Your father brought in
a film crew for the wedding.
MAY 2014
FROG PRINCE: He never told me.
RAPUNZEL: He never tells you anything.
FROG PRINCE: Good point.
RAPUNZEL: They’ll be airing footage of
your bride on stations all over the
kingdom, I’m sure. I can see the tagline
now: “Cinderella, Bridezilla.”
FROG PRINCE: Catchy.
RAPUNZEL: I’ve never met anyone who
was both the beauty and the beast.
FROG PRINCE: She’s not used to being
pampered like this. It’ll pass. I know it.
She’ll change.
RAPUNZEL (Softening a little): Well, if
anyone can change her, it would be
you, Froggie.
FROG PRINCE: I haven’t heard that
nickname in years.
RAPUNZEL: Remember how we used to
jump around the castle, croaking at
the guards?
FROG PRINCE: And pretending to eat
flies? Sure, I remember. You were
always getting me to pull crazy stunts
like that.
RAPUNZEL: They called you the Frog
Prince.
FROG PRINCE: Yeah, the press got some
great pictures of me posing in the castle pond with a lily pad on my head.
Did you know they still sell official
kingdom postcards with that picture
on the front?
RAPUNZEL: See? Even back then, they
were using you.
FROG PRINCE (Serious again): I have to
go. (A pause, then he turns away, and
RAPUNZEL stops him.)
37
RAPUNZEL: You can’t do this.
FROG PRINCE: I can’t do anything else.
You know my parents arranged the
marriage. (Imitating) “The people love
the story. Your wedding could be the
most popular decision we make in our
reign!” Father’s not doing well in the
polls, you know.
RAPUNZEL: That shouldn’t have anything to do with it. Your life is not a
political tool.
FROG
PRINCE:
Unfortunately,
Rapunzel, it is. It always has been.
And I’ve always done my duty.
RAPUNZEL: Well, maybe it’s time for
you to make your own choices for once,
instead of letting other people make
them for you.
CINDERELLA (Offstage): Rapunzel!
CINDERELLA: Come in!
MIRROR: I tell you, if I have to recite
any more of those stupid flattering
comments. . .(HANSEL and GRETEL
enter and set up their cameras.)
HANSEL: Thank you so much for your
patience.
GRETEL: We thought we’d record a few
candid interviews. You know, the
inside scoop.
CINDERELLA: Of course.
RAPUNZEL: That’s all the equipment
you have? And there are only two of
you?
HANSEL: Budget cuts.
GRETEL: Rapunzel, isn’t it? Do you
mind if we ask you a few questions?
RAPUNZEL: Speaking of duties, I have
Her Highnesses’ pearl hair accessories
to rearrange. Think about it, O.K.?
(RAPUNZEL hurries off left. FROG
PRINCE slowly exits right. After a
beat, HANSEL and GRETEL enter
right with camera equipment.)
CINDERELLA: Why do you want to talk
can actually see her ankles in that
dress! Scandalous! What is this kingdom coming to?
GRETEL: You’re familiar with the royal
GRETEL: And did you notice that you
HANSEL: Sh-h! You’ll blow our cover.
Just get in there and pretend like we’re
making a TV show.
GRETEL: You’re right, of course. Stick to
the plan. (HANSEL and GRETEL
knock. CINDERELLA rushes in left,
primping in the mirror, and RAPUNZEL follows.)
CINDERELLA: How do I look?
MIRROR: Like a vision.
38
to her?
GRETEL: Well, she is the maid of honor.
That makes her an important part of
your wedding.
CINDERELLA: I suppose.
family, correct? (RAPUNZEL nods.)
What would you say the prince is like?
RAPUNZEL:
The groom’s brother,
Charming, is the typical prince:
spoiled, rude, arrogant. But not his
older brother. He’s a good man, and
he’ll be a good ruler someday.
Sometimes, though, he thinks too
much about other people and not
enough about himself. He’s afraid to—
well, maybe I should let you talk to
him yourself.
HANSEL: You’re saying he’s weak,
then? A coward?
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RAPUNZEL: No, not exactly. It’s more
like. . .he’s just the kind of person who
needs a good friend.
HANSEL (To GRETEL): He sounds like
exactly the kind of person we need.
RAPUNZEL: Excuse me?
HANSEL: Oh, nothing. Now, we’d really
like to speak to King Cole and the heir
to the throne—uh, I mean the groom.
RAPUNZEL: Sure. I’ll go get them.
CINDERELLA (Blocking her exit): Not a
chance. The groom can’t see me in my
wedding dress! And besides, this show
is supposed to be all about me.
RAPUNZEL (Stepping around her):
That’s a silly superstition. And you’re
being rude.
CINDERELLA: Listen, sister. . .
RAPUNZEL: I’m not your sister.
CINDERELLA: Well, you will be in a few
hours, anyway. Sister-in-law, that is.
RAPUNZEL (Laughing): Is that what
you thought? I’m not the prince’s sister. We’ve just been best friends ever
since he rescued me from my tower
when we were kids.
CINDERELLA: If you’re not related to
the prince, then why are you my maid
of honor?
RAPUNZEL: Well, you don’t really have
any—friends. And your stepsisters
obviously weren’t going to volunteer.
CINDERELLA: That’s for sure.
RAPUNZEL: So, I’ll just go get the groom
and your future father-in-law, and you
can have the cameras all to yourself,
O.K.?
MAY 2014
CINDERELLA: I suppose. (RAPUNZEL
exits right.)
HANSEL: Now, Cinderella, tell us how
you feel about the lucky break you got
at the ball last month.
CINDERELLA: Luck? I deserve this. I’ve
paid my dues, slaving away for my
stepmother and stepsisters. But I
finally got my moment in the sun, and
I’m going to enjoy it. Now I’ll have servants working for me. And they say life
isn’t fair.
HANSEL (Bored): Yes, yes, very good.
Well, that’s all we need.
CINDERELLA: That’s all? But I’m the
star!
GRETEL: What he means is, we need to
fix the cameras to get the best. . . uh. . .
lighting. (CINDERELLA fixes her hair
while HANSEL and GRETEL fiddle
with cameras. Then RAPUNZEL enters
right. FROG PRINCE and KING COLE
follow, in the middle of a conversation.)
FROG PRINCE: Isn’t there some kind of
law saying that a prince has to marry
a princess?
KING COLE: Certainly not! We took that
outdated, chauvinistic law off the
books decades ago.
FROG PRINCE: Well, can’t we put it
back?
KING COLE: You can’t turn your back
on progress, son. Free choice, that’s
what we stand for here. Marrying for
love, not for status.
FROG PRINCE: But. . .
KING COLE: The people practically
demanded the change. One day, you’ll
understand, son.
RAPUNZEL (Opening door): Well, here’s
39
the camera crew you sent, Your
Highness. They want to interview you.
KING COLE (Confused): The camera
crew I sent? I didn’t ask for any camera
crew.
RAPUNZEL: But they said—(Turns to
HANSEL and GRETEL) Wait a
minute. . .
HANSEL (Pulling out a knife and hold-
ing it to CINDERELLA’s throat): No
one move, or the cinder girl gets it!
KING COLE: What is the meaning of
this?
HANSEL: It’s a traditional hostage-tak-
ing situation, where the villains attack
the helpless, beautiful damsel in distress.
GRETEL: You’d know that if you cared
at all about fundamental fairy tale values.
FROG PRINCE: What are you talking
about?
HANSEL: We represent the people! We
want a return to the principles that
made this kingdom great! Duels to the
death over tarnished honor. Old-fashioned quests with real danger, none of
that sanitized comic-strip stuff.
(Practically shouting) Courage and
chivalry and dragon guts!
RAPUNZEL: You’re absolutely crazy.
HANSEL: So we’ve been told.
etly undermining the government by
stealing from the rich and giving to the
poor. Classic fairy-tale style, of course.
But this is our moment of triumph.
HANSEL: Allow me to read the list of
demands that we brought for you to
sign into law. (He pulls out a long roll
of paper.)
KING COLE: This is outrageous!
GRETEL: First, we demand that the
king be impeached, due to a history of
un-monarch-like actions, and that his
oldest son be put on the throne instead.
FROG PRINCE: What? But. . .but that’s
me!
HANSEL: Second, we demand that any
non-traditional laws be abolished for
all time. Such laws include, but are not
limited to: co-ed swimming in the
moat, the law that princes may marry
a girl who is not a certified princess,
use of television, cell phones, computers and other modern technologies,
and societies to save quote—innocent
dragons—unquote.
RAPUNZEL: You’re against TVs? When
you’re posing as a TV film crew?
HANSEL: It’s called dramatic irony.
Don’t interrupt.
GRETEL: Third, we demand that the
police conduct witch trials throughout
the land to rid the kingdom of all fairy
godmothers
and
other
such
enchanters.
CINDERELLA: So. . .your names aren’t
HANSEL: Fourth—
HANSEL: They are for now. (Pulls out a
heard all we need to hear.
really Hansel and Gretel?
bunch of fake IDs) We’ve also been
Jack and Jill, Little Boy Blue and Bo
Peep, and Mama and Papa Bear.
GRETEL: For years now, we’ve been qui40
KING COLE: That’s enough. We’ve
HANSEL: Let the prince speak! He
bears the signet ring of the kingdom.
He will be our new ruler. We will
accept an answer only from him.
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KING COLE: I can tell you right now
what his answer will be. Begone with
your deranged demands!
FROG PRINCE: I don’t know, Dad. They
handsome, we danced a waltz together.
So we get married, live in luxury, and
look great on the evening news. What
more could you want?
had certain—good points.
FROG PRINCE: Happiness.
FROG PRINCE: Well, it’s just that I—
FROG PRINCE: A life.
RAPUNZEL: They’re absolute lunatics.
CINDERELLA: But you heard that crazy
man! They’ll make it a law that princes
have to marry princesses! If you agree,
you won’t be allowed to marry me.
RAPUNZEL: Quit helping their case.
RAPUNZEL: Commitment.
RAPUNZEL: Little things like that.
CINDERELLA (To RAPUNZEL): You
stay out of this!
RAPUNZEL: Listen, you can’t do this. Do
GRETEL (Tapping the camera): Well, on
the upside, even if this all falls
through, we’ll have an interesting
show. I’m getting some great footage
here!
FROG PRINCE: But. . .
demands? Think carefully before you
answer, my prince.
CINDERELLA: Hey!
you want people like them controlling
the law?
KING COLE: Son, I absolutely forbid it!
What on earth would possess you to
even consider—
FROG PRINCE: Because I don’t want to
marry Cinderella! (KING COLE and
CINDERELLA gasp.)
HANSEL: There! You see? I knew he
was a born leader. Hereditary bloodline came through, like it always does
in a good, stable monarchy. He knows
he needs to marry someone of royal
birth.
FROG PRINCE: That has nothing to do
with it.
HANSEL: Yes sir, a benevolent dictatorship is the only kind of government for
me!
KING COLE: I don’t believe this! My own
son!
CINDERELLA: I’m beautiful, you’re
MAY 2014
HANSEL: Will you agree to our
FROG PRINCE (Turning to face RAPUNZEL): Rapunzel. . .
GRETEL: You could have the life you
always wanted. Just sign here.
HANSEL: What will it be, Your High-
ness?
FROG PRINCE: Very well. Please, bring
me the contract.
KING COLE: Son!
HANSEL: Silence! (To FROG PRINCE)
I knew you’d see the merit of our position. (He lets CINDERELLA go to give
the paper to FROG PRINCE. As soon
as he does, FROG PRINCE lunges forward and wrestles the knife away,
holding it to HANSEL’s throat
instead.)
FROG PRINCE: Rapunzel, grab Gretel!
(RAPUNZEL does.)
41
HANSEL: What are you doing?
FROG PRINCE: I’m creating the reverse
of a traditional hostage-taking situation.
GRETEL: You fiend!
KING COLE: Guards! Seize them!
HANSEL: All the guards are at the gate,
doing background checks on the wedding guests.
GRETEL: By the bride’s order, I might
add. Easiest job we ever had. (All turn
to CINDERELLA.)
CINDERELLA: What? We couldn’t risk
letting in any riffraff.
HANSEL: Says the former chimney
sweep.
GRETEL: By the time the guards arrive,
the people will hear about our plight
and storm the castle in protest!
MIRROR: Except that I called the local
Make yourself useful, Cinderella. Grab
some rope to tie them up.
CINDERELLA: I have extension cords!
RAPUNZEL: That’ll work. (They tie
HANSEL and GRETEL up.)
FROG PRINCE: If you don’t mind, I
think I’ll give the palace guards something better to do with their time. (He
marches HANSEL and GRETEL off.)
HANSEL: You haven’t seen the last of
us. (To GRETEL) We’re supposed to do
an evil laugh.
GRETEL: Don’t you get it? They won.
We’ll be in jail for the rest of our lives!
HANSEL: We’re villains! We never
admit defeat. It’s not the fairy tale
way. (Louder) You’ll never win this
fight! Never! (He laughs evilly as they
exit.)
CINDERELLA: They’d better not put a
crimp in the curling iron cord.
GRETEL (Looking around): Who said
KING COLE (To RAPUNZEL): I ought
to knight you, my dear. Wouldn’t that
be something? The first female knight
of the realm.
MIRROR: It’s me. Back here. The mir-
just love that.
police. I‘m hooked into the phone lines,
you know.
that?
ror. The police should be surrounding
the castle by now.
HANSEL: No! I will not have my plot
foiled by this accursed piece of glass.
(He jerks away from FROG PRINCE
and swings the camera tripod at MIRROR, who shrieks.)
RAPUNZEL (Tackling him): You stay
away from my fairy godmother!
HANSEL: Unhand me, woman!
RAPUNZEL: Not a chance. (FROG
PRINCE grabs a stunned GRETEL.)
42
MIRROR: Oh, Hansel and Gretel would
RAPUNZEL: Thank you, Your Highness,
but I’ll pass. I like being a plain old
princess just fine.
CINDERELLA: What about all that I did?
RAPUNZEL: Yes, if it had been up to
you, we could have powder-puffed
them to death. That would have
worked well. (FROG PRINCE returns.)
FROG PRINCE: Well, I don’t think we’ll
be hearing much more from Hansel
and Gretel.
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KING COLE: I knew it all along. You
never bought into their scheme. Not
my son!
FROG PRINCE: That’s where you’re
wrong, Father. I wanted to sign it. (He
looks at RAPUNZEL.) Probably more
than I’ve wanted to do anything in the
whole world.
KING COLE: But why?
FROG PRINCE: Because it would mean I
wouldn’t have to make a choice. It
would be made for me. Signing that
paper would be easy. . .but not right.
RAPUNZEL: That was very brave of you.
PRINCE (To KING COLE):
Father, I hope I’ve made my feelings
clear—for once. Would you please
inform the guests that the wedding is
off?
FROG
KING COLE: I hope you realize what a
difficult position you’re putting me in,
son.
CINDERELLA: If you break off the
engagement, I’ll make sure everyone in
the kingdom knows what really happened: how I was heartlessly abandoned at the altar by the childish, selfserving prince who thought he was too
good for me.
FROG PRINCE: Nothing you say can
change my mind, Cinderella. I’m only
sorry for not saying anything sooner. I
shouldn’t have led you on like that.
KING COLE: Yes, that’s all well and
good, son, but what about the polls?
Cinderella and her glass slipper are all
over the headlines. The people love a
good rags-to-riches story.
RAPUNZEL: So have Prince Charming
marry her. They’d be the perfect couple.
MAY 2014
CINDERELLA:
Marry the younger
prince? I don’t think so! He’ll never be
king. (To FROG PRINCE, thoughtfully) Unless you died, that is. . .
RAPUNZEL: And what exactly do you
mean by that?
CINDERELLA: Well, assassination isn’t
that hard. They write books about it all
the time. Poisonous snakes, tragic falls,
coincidentally misfiring weapons—
FROG PRINCE: Um. . .maybe setting her
up with Charming isn’t such a good
plan. Did you know you can get arrested for saying things like that?
CINDERELLA: You’d have to prove it
first.
RAPUNZEL: The cameras are still
rolling, Cinderella.
CINDERELLA (Laughing nervously): I
guess you guys didn’t get the joke. Ha!
Me, an assassin. Isn’t that funny?
MIRROR: That’s right! The cameras are
still rolling. Why don’t we do just what
Gretel said—give the people a great
show.
KING COLE: What do you mean?
MIRROR: Air the documentary. Let peo-
ple see Cinderella, Bridezilla. Trust
me, that’ll be enough to change public
opinion.
KING COLE: I see. Hm-m. That is an
option.
CINDERELLA: But—it’s not fair. I
deserve this! Anyone can be a princess.
That’s what they always say.
FROG PRINCE: Sometimes it’s true that
a girl can be common by birth, but very
uncommon at heart. A true princess,
though not by blood. But. . .well—
43
MIRROR: But you’re not one of them,
hon.
friend. (He offers her his hand. She
takes it. They start to walk off.)
CINDERELLA: That’s it! I’m calling my
KING COLE (Shaking his head): Well,
RAPUNZEL: Well, I guess sometimes
MIRROR: Everyone but you, Your
Highness.
lawyer! He’ll sue you till you have to
marry me. (She storms off.)
the beautiful girl at the ball turns out
to be a dud.
FROG PRINCE: And sometimes it does-
n’t matter because the true princess
actually is a princess. And a very good
I’ll be. Kids these days. Who knew?
KING COLE: Well, then, it looks like a
happy ending. How very. . .traditional.
(Curtain)
THE END
Cinderella Bridezilla
PRODUCTION NOTES
CHARACTERS: 4 female; 3 male.
PLAYING TIME: 30 minutes.
COSTUMES: Traditional fairy-tale
dress. The Frog Prince wears green.
Cinderella wears a bathrobe or dressing gown, then changes into a wedding
dress.
PROPERTIES: Paper for Rapunzel, two
video cameras on tripods, a knife, fake
IDs, and a long scroll of paper for
Hansel.
SETTING: An elegant dressing room. A
large, full-length mirror stands up left.
There is a table with various perfumes
and cosmetics, as well as a number of
curlers and straighteners, with extension cords trailing offstage. There are a
few chairs covered with fancy dresses.
There is a door at right, not all the way
offstage.
LIGHTING/SOUND: No special effects.
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Only current subscribers may use
this play (www.playsmagazine.com).
Middle & Lower Grades
Macona, the Honest Warrior
Folk tale of the South American Carib Indians:
Honesty and courage win out over thievery and deceit
as clever warrior stands up for his rights, earning the
respect of the Chief and the hand of the Princess. . . .
by Barbara Winther
Characters
MACONA
GREEN PARROT
RED PARROT
LUWANTAI
PRINCESS
OLD SORIBU, her attendant
CHIEF
TWO WARRIORS
MOSQUITOES, extras
SCENE 1
SETTING: An Indian village in the
Guianas, South America, near the
Essequibo River. Upstage there is a
Carib Indian house with working doorway. There is a fishing net lying on
stage, beside steps. Aisle of auditorium
represents river. There are two trees on
MAY 2014
opposite sides of stage steps. Several
tropical plants are near backdrop.
AT RISE: Jungle animal sounds are
heard offstage. GREEN PARROT and
RED PARROT are perched in trees,
squawking, flapping wings, preening,
and peering through leaves. MACONA
is sitting on step, mending the net.
MACONA (Disturbed): For the second
time this week my net has been cut
and my fish stolen. (Gesturing and
peering down audience aisle) It must
be a thief who moves silently along the
Essequibo River. Is it an alligator?
Any angry spirit of the rain forest? Or
could it be a warrior from the neighboring village (Points) up the river?
GREEN PARROT (Flapping wings,
squawking; in high voice): It is not an
alligator, Macona, for your net was cut
with a machete.
RED PARROT (Also flapping wings and
squawking; in gravelly voice): And
45
there is not a spirit in the Guianas who
would be angry with you, for your honesty and bravery are well known.
MACONA (Rising): Who speaks to me
from the trees?
GREEN PARROT: I am Green Parrot.
RED PARROT: I am Red Parrot.
GREEN PARROT: We have magical powers.
RED PARROT: We speak when truth
should be known.
MACONA: Do you know who stole my
fish?
GREEN PARROT and RED PARROT
(Together): We know. We know.
MACONA: How can I find out who it is?
GREEN PARROT: Leave your net in the
river and hide close by. (MACONA
hides.)
RED PARROT: Again the thief comes.
See him pole his boat down the river.
(MACONA looks out from behind tree
as LUWANTAI, wearing machete in
waistband, enters at rear of auditorium
and comes down center aisle. He pantomimes poling a pirogue—canoe—
stealthily jumping ashore when he gets
to steps.)
LUWANTAI (Seeing net): There are
some fine fish in this net. I will take
them for myself. (He pantomimes
slashing net with machete, and then
throwing fish into boat. He replaces
machete in waistband and starts to
shove boats into water.)
MACONA (Stepping out): So, a warrior
from our neighboring village is the
thief.
LUWANTAI (Angrily; pointing to him46
self): How dare you accuse Luwantai?
MACONA: Tell me, Luwantai, are all
your village warriors thieves, or is it
just those too lazy to catch their own
fish, like you?
LUWANTAI (Shouting): I am not lazy!
(PARROTS squawk, as if laughing.)
MACONA: If you are not a thief and you
are not lazy, how did my fish get into
your pirogue?
LUWANTAI (Nervously): Well, ah, that
is easy to explain. (Sees PARROTS,
who are squawking, and points to
them) The parrots in the tree did it.
They threw the fish into my boat.
(PARROTS squawk loudly in protest.
LUWANTAI pantomimes pulling
arrow from quiver, fitting in bow, and
aiming it at tree as he speaks.) Those
thieving birds will die by my poisoned
arrows. (MACONA pantomimes grabbing bow and arrow and hurling them
into the river.)
MACONA (As he does this): I, Macona,
will not let you kill those parrots.
LUWANTAI (Angrily): Not only do you
falsely accuse me, Macona, but you
steal my bow and arrow and throw
them in the river. My village will hear
about this.
MACONA (Turning away, arms folded):
I am not afraid of you, Luwantai. You
are a thief who uses boastful words.
(As MACONA speaks, LUWANTAI
pantomimes shoving off pirogue, leaping into it, and then poling quickly
down aisle to exit.) I know who stole
my fish, for I was hidden here and I
saw you—(Whirls to point, then sees
LUWANTAI exiting, and calls defiantly after him) This time you have
escaped. But I shall come after you.
GREEN PARROT: Forget this thief,
Macona. He will not return.
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RED PARROT: It would be too dangerous
to follow him to his village.
MACONA (Pulling in net and throwing
MACONA: Yes, I am called Macona.
(SORIBU and PRINCESS gasp and
look around for others.)
it off): There is a code of honor among
my people. A thief should pay with
more than he takes. I must go to his
village now and settle this matter.
(Pantomimes pushing pirogue off steps,
jumping in, and then poling down aisle
to exit)
SORIBU (Approaching him, whispering): Leave at once, Macona. Old
Soribu warns you, for I wish no man
harm.
There will be trouble for him.
MACONA: Why?
GREEN PARROT (After MACONA exits):
RED PARROT: Surely the Chief of
Luwantai’s village will not harm
Macona.
GREEN PARROT: Perhaps not. Perhaps
he will. The minds of men work
strangely.
RED PARROT: Let us fly to the neigh-
boring village. Macona saved our lives.
He may need our help. (PARROTS
come out of trees, flap wings as if flying, and exit, squawking. Curtain)
***
SETTING: A neighboring village, where
Luwantai’s people live. House has been
moved up center. One tree is at left and
one is at right.
SCENE 2
AT RISE: PRINCESS is sitting center,
having her hair combed by OLD
SORIBU, who kneels beside her.
Sounds of jungle animals are heard.
MACONA enters at rear of auditorium
and comes down aisle, pantomiming
poling pirogue to steps and beaching it.
PRINCESS rises, startled, and OLD
SORIBU stands in front of her protectively.
MACONA: Do not be afraid. I will not
harm you.
OLD SORIBU: I can tell by your headdress you come from the village down
the river.
MAY 2014
PRINCESS (Coming forward): Go quick-
ly. My father is the chief of this village.
He has vowed revenge on you.
PRINCESS: You insulted the warrior
Luwantai.
MACONA: For good reason, lovely
Princess. Luwantai is a lazy thief.
Please believe me.
PRINCESS (Turning sadly away): It
does not matter if I believe you. No one
else in my village will. (Turns to him)
Luwantai is my father’s favorite warrior.
SORIBU (Gesturing): The Princess is
promised to him in marriage.
MACONA (Crossing to her): It makes
me sad that one whose hair shines
more than a hummingbird’s wings,
whose eyes flash like fireflies in the
dark, should marry such a man as
Luwantai.
PRINCESS (Smiling):
Though your
actions are as bold as the jaguar, your
words are softer than a butterfly.
Please, Macona, go while there is time.
(LUWANTAI and TWO WARRIORS
enter left, stealthily, unseen.)
MACONA (Kneeling): No. Now that I
have met the Princess, there is even
more reason to expose Luwantai’s
deceit. (Suddenly LUWANTAI and
WARRIORS leap out from hiding,
whooping loudly, and jump on
MACONA. PRINCESS and SORIBU
47
scream and move away, clutching each
other. MACONA fights off WARRIORS
and goes after LUWANTAI, who backs
away fearfully. WARRIORS scramble
to feet, and one grabs MACONA’s arms
while other holds his legs. They pull
him back toward steps.)
will be fair. There will be a test.
Whoever wins speaks the truth and
marries my daughter.
pantomime tying MACONA’s hands
and ankles. LUWANTAI crosses to
house, calling.) Great Chief! I,
Luwantai, your finest warrior, have
captured the treacherous Macona.
(Crosses arms arrogantly)
CHIEF: You must each go into the forest
LUWANTAI: Tie him up. (WARRIORS
CHIEF (From inside house; wildly, ad
LUWANTAI (Startled): A test? For me?
MACONA: Whatever the test, I will do
it.
and carve a wooden stool before morning. On one side carve a monkey’s
head; on the other side—my face.
LUWANTAI: That’s easy.
MACONA: I cannot do this, Chief, until
lib): Ay ya ook! Ay kai ya! (Etc. All
stare at doorway. Suddenly CHIEF
leaps out of house. He wears fierce-looking mask and raffia costume. He rushes about in circle, shaking costume.
Finally he stops in front of house and
leaps, with a yelp. Pointing to
MACONA) Macona, You shall die!
(With cry of anguish, PRINCESS rushes forward and kneels beside CHIEF,
her arms raised pleadingly.)
CHIEF: You may not. I will not take off
this mask all night, but still you must
carve an exact likeness of me. (To
PRINCESS) Princess, do not tell
Macona what I look like or you will be
a traitor to our village. (To men)
Remember, Macona and Luwantai,
carve the stool by morning or you shall
die.
Macona a chance to prove his innocence.
Luwantai knows what your face looks
like.
PRINCESS: No, no, Father. Please give
I see your face.
PRINCESS: Father, this test is not fair.
LUWANTAI: Do not listen to her, great
CHIEF: Of course.
CHIEF: Rise, my child. Why do you
know?
Chief.
interfere?
PRINCESS (Rising): Because I believe
my father is fair enough to listen to
both sides of any quarrel. (CHIEF folds
arms.) Speak, Macona.
MACONA: Luwantai slashed my net
and stole my fish. I saw him.
PRINCESS: How can Macona possibly
CHIEF (Laughing): He can’t. (To WAR-
RIORS) Cut Macona’s bonds and let
the trial begin. (Exits into house.
PRINCESS weeps on SORIBU’s shoulder. WARRIORS pantomime cutting
MACONA’s bonds, then exit. MACONA
thoughtfully rubs wrists. LUWANTAI
crosses right, passing PRINCESS.)
LUWANTAI: He lies. He lies.
LUWANTAI (Mockingly): Poor Princess
CHIEF: Hm-m. I believe Luwantai, but I
PRINCESS (Hurrying to MACONA): Go
MACONA: I speak the truth.
48
weeps for doomed Macona. What a
pity! (Exits right, laughing)
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back to your village. Save yourself.
MACONA (With dignity): I am a warrior, Princess. I will not run from danger. It is not honorable. (Exits left.
Lights dim to indicate passage of time.
PRINCESS and SORIBU exit. Sounds
of jungle animals are heard. PARROTS enter, climb into tree near steps.
As light go up half, LUWANTAI reenters, right, carrying block of wood. It
has been partially carved.)
LUWANTAI (Yawning sleepily): The
night is only half over. There is plenty
of time to finish carving my stool. First
I will take a nap under this tree. (Lies
under the tree at right and falls asleep.
He remains onstage sleeping throughout following scene. Jungle animal
sounds are heard. Lights go up three
quarters. MACONA reenters, left, carrying block of wood and knife. He pantomimes carving.)
MACONA (Inspecting stool): This stool
is finished except for the Chief’s face.
What features should I carve? (Looks
at sky) Soon it will be morning. (Shakes
head in despair) It seems I have lost
the Princess and my life.
GREEN and RED PARROTS (Together):
Macona, Macona.
MACONA: Who calls?
GREEN PARROT (High voice): The magical parrots.
RED PARROT (Gravelly voice): You
saved us from the poisoned arrows.
Now we will save you.
MACONA: How can you help?
GREEN PARROT: The Chief sleeps in his
house. (MACONA looks at house and
nods.)
RED PARROT: We shall call our mosquito friends.
MAY 2014
GREEN PARROT: They will enter his
house—
RED PARROT: Crawl under his mask—
GREEN PARROT: And bite his face.
RED PARROT: Then he will throw off the
mask—
GREEN PARROT: Run to the river—
RED PARROT: And splash cool water on
his face.
MACONA: And I shall see his face.
GREEN PARROT: Yes, yes, look closely.
RED PARROT: But don’t let him see you.
(MACONA nods and hides behind tree,
carrying stool.)
GREEN PARROT (Calling shrilly): Gu
yai ya, Mosquito, quick, quick, quick.
RED PARROT: Gu yai ya, Mosquito,
squaw-aw-ka-ka-ka-ka. (TWO MOSQUITOES enter, buzzing, darting, and
swaying, from right. They “fly” around
stage, then enter house. There is silence.
Then CHIEF yells and runs out of
house without mask. He has two red
circles on his cheeks and a star on his
forehead. He leans over edge of stage
and pantomimes washing face in river.
MACONA peers out, touches his own
cheeks and forehead, then smiles and
nods. Meanwhile MOSQUITOES reenter from house and exit. CHIEF rises,
looks about suspiciously. MACONA
pulls his head out of sight.)
CHIEF (Muttering): Pesky mosquitoes!
(Reenters house. MACONA comes out
of hiding, pantomimes carving.)
MACONA (While carving): Thank you,
Parrots.
GREEN PARROT: We will stay close by.
49
RED PARROT: We will meet you again,
Macona.
PARROTS (Climbing from tree; togeth-
er): Soon, soon, soon. (They exit,
squawking. Animal sounds are heard.
Lights go up full.)
MACONA (Rising, looking at sky): It is
morning, and I am finished. (WARRIORS enter, see LUWANTAI asleep
and hurry over to him. They pick up the
block of wood, shake heads in disgust
and drop it, then awaken him.
LUWANTAI jumps up nervously, hiding his block of wood. PRINCESS and
SORIBU enter and stand sadly beside
house.)
CHIEF (From inside house): Ay ya ook!
Ay kai ya! (Etc. All stare at doorway.
Suddenly, CHIEF leaps out, in mask,
as before, and rushes around shaking
raffia costume. Finally, he stops in
front of house and leaps with a yelp.)
Bring forth the stools. (MACONA
crosses to CHIEF and kneels, presenting stool.) What is this? A likeness of
my face. Amazing! Macona, how did
you find out what I look like? (Removes
mask and gestures for him to rise)
MACONA (Rising, smiling): To answer
that question is not part of my test.
(CHIEF sets mask inside house.)
CHIEF (Smiling): I meant to trick you.
2ND WARRIOR: His stool is hidden
behind his back.
CHIEF (Holding out hand): Luwantai,
give me your stool. (LUWANTAI
regretfully hands over block.) So, this is
how well you pass my trial. A block of
wood scarcely carved. (Holding stools
side by side; sternly) Which would you
say is the better stool, Luwantai?
LUWANTAI (Furiously, to MACONA):
This is all your fault. (Whips out
machete and rushes for MACONA.
Just as his machete is raised high in
air, PARROTS enter, “flying” and
squawking loudly.)
PARROTS (Shrilly; together): Stop! Stop!
(LUWANTAI, startled, turns to PARROTS, and MACONA grabs machete
away. LUWANTAI snarls angrily,
growls at everyone, and runs to exit.
Those on stage move to backdrop and
peer off after him. LUWANTAI shrieks
in terror from offstage and reenters,
pursued by angrily buzzing MOSQUITOES. They fly about stage. LUWANTAI runs down steps and pantomimes
pushing pirogue into river, leaping into
it, and poling furiously up aisle, howling. MOSQUITOES follow. Meanwhile
CHIEF place stools inside house, and
MACONA puts machete into his waistband. All move forward to watch
LUWANTAI and MOSQUITOES exit.)
Instead, you have cleverly tricked me.
Luwantai, where is your stool?
GREEN PARROT (Pointing wings to
river; loudly): A thief can never rest.
it.
forever.
LUWANTAI (Nervously): Macona stole
CHIEF: What?
LUWANTAI: He stole it while I was—
ah—ah—resting.
1ST WARRIOR: Great Chief, Luwantai
is not telling the truth. He slept all
night.
50
RED PARROT: Luwantai will be pursued
CHIEF (Extending hand to MACONA):
Macona (Extends other hand to
PRINCESS) and the Princess will be
married. May there always be friendship between us all. (All cheer as jungle
animal sounds are heard and curtain
closes.)
(Production Notes on page 56)
THE END
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Middle Grades
Beauty and the Pirate Beast
In this fun send-up of the original story, there’s
buried treasure, a terrible curse, and a mix of refer-
ences to other fairy tales, as a kind daughter sets out
to join a pirate crew. . . .
by Jane Tesh
Characters
AT RISE: PIRATE CAPTAIN, SLUG,
SLUG
PIRATE CAPTAIN: Arg! I must be the
PIRATE CAPTAIN/BEAST
GRUB
NUB
SEA HAG
MILES AWAY
MITZI
TRIXIE
BEAUTY
SCENE 1
TIME: Long ago.
SETTING: A beach. Sand, rocks, bushes
are scattered around stage. Hidden
behind one bush is a treasure chest.
MAY 2014
GRUB, and NUB are searching for
buried treasure.
unluckiest pirate captain in the seven
seas. Not once have I found so much as
a single gold coin of treasure!
SLUG: We can keep digging, Captain.
GRUB: Aye! We’ve only got forty more
miles of beach to cover.
NUB: Bound to be something here!
(SEA HAG, holding map, enters.)
SEA HAG: Perhaps I can help.
CAPTAIN: Who might you be?
SEA HAG: I am the Sea Hag of yore.
CAPTAIN: Your what?
SEA HAG: Not your, yore. Long ago.
51
CAPTAIN: Oh. I’m the Captain of the
Rotten Carcass, and these here are my
crew, Slug, Grub, and Nub.
SEA HAG: I hear you’re having a bit of
trouble locating buried treasure.
CAPTAIN: What’s it to you?
SEA HAG: If I give you this treasure
map, and you find the treasure, all you
have to do is share it with me.
SLUG: Why haven’t you used the map
yourself?
GRUB: Yeah, if you’re this powerful sea
hag, can’t you find treasure by using
magic?
NUB: Something fishy about this,
Captain.
SEA HAG: The treasure is under a spell,
and only a pirate can open the chest of
gold.
PIRATES (Ad lib): Gold! All right! That’s
what I’m talking about. (Etc.)
CAPTAIN: Agreed! Give me the map. I’ll
share whatever I find. (Turns so the
audience can see he has his fingers
crossed behind his back)
SEA HAG (Handing over map): Good
luck, Captain! (Exits. Pirates gather
around and read the map. Each one
points in a different direction. They
growl and point in another different
direction. CAPTAIN makes the final
decision.)
CAPTAIN: This way! (They cross the
stage until CAPTAIN stops by a clump
of bushes.) Halt! This be the spot! Dig
here! (Pirates mime digging and hitting something.) Arg! There be the
treasure chest! (Pirates mime looking
into a deep hole under the bush. They
pull out a treasure chest and open it.)
Gold! Gold, at last, and it’s all mine!
52
(Pirates give him a look.) And yours, of
course.
SLUG: But Captain, remember, you
told the Sea Hag if she gave you the
map, you’d share the treasure with
her.
CAPTAIN: Look around you, matey. Do
you see a Sea Hag? She’ll never know!
(SEA HAG appears.)
SEA HAG: Try and cheat me, will you? I
call upon the curse of the seven seas!
From now on, you will be a beast, and
you’ll never be a man again until—until
(Trying to think of something awful) a
rose blooms on your pirate ship!
CAPTAIN: A rose? In the ocean? On a
pirate ship? Ha, ha, ha! Come on, men!
And bring that treasure! (Pirates laugh
and exit. SEA HAG casts her spell.)
SEA HAG:
Pirate Captain, you’re a cheat!
Now my beast spell is complete!
(Growling noises and cries of surprise
offstage, then CAPTAIN leaps back on
stage, followed by his crew. He is now a
beast and not really upset about it.)
CAPTAIN/BEAST (As “”beast”): Roar! (As
“pirate”) Arg! (Finds what he likes)
RARG!! Hey, this isn’t bad! Now I’m
twice as fearsome! Thanks, Sea Hag!
SEA HAG: Uh-oh. What was I thinking?
CAPTAIN/BEAST: Avast ye, mateys!
Rarg! (Pirates exit with cries of “Aye,
Aye, Captain Beast!” Curtain)
***
SCENE 2
SETTING: Miles Away’s seaside home.
AT RISE: MITZI is polishing her toe-
nails. TRIXIE is reading a teen magazine. BEAUTY is sweeping the floor.
MILES AWAY enters with travel bags
and coat.
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BEAUTY: Oh, Papa, must you leave on
another journey?
MILES: Yes, my dear Beauty. I have to
go where my feet take me.
MITZI: Your feet need to stay here and
run the Seaweed Shoppe! Trixie and I
are tired of looking after everything.
TRIXIE: You’re tired? You don’t do anything but sit around polishing your toenails, Mitzi!
MITZI: Well, you just sit around reading those trashy books about pirates!
TRIXIE: I think pirates are so romantic!
MILES: Girls, girls, I’ll only be gone for
a little while. I’ll bring you some presents. (MITZI and TRIXIE stop what
they’re doing.)
MITZI and TRIXIE: Ooooo, presents!
MILES: What would you like?
MITZI: All the latest toenail polish col-
ors!
TRIXIE: The complete set of Pirate Love
magazines!
MILES: What about you, Beauty? What
would you like?
BEAUTY: What are you doing?
MITZI: Finally getting rid of you!
TRIXIE: We’re sick of your goody-goody
ways!
BEAUTY: But where will I go? What will
I do?
MITZI: We don’t care! (MITZI and
TRIXIE exit. BEAUTY looks around.)
BEAUTY: Oh, no! Now what? Should I
wander until I find a cottage with a lot
of little men to look after? No, that’s
another story. Should I go to the ball
and lose a shoe? No, that’s not right.
Fall asleep until a handsome prince
kisses me and breaks the spell? Gosh,
that sounds boring. Where’s a talking
animal to cheer me with a song and tell
me what to do? (She waits.) Hm-m,
guess that’s not going to happen.
(Thinks a moment) I’m going to have to
make my own story! I know! Trixie’s
always going on about pirates. That’s
what I’ll do! I’ll become a pirate! (Looks
at her clothes) Well, these clothes won’t
do. And certainly not this ribbon.
(Takes ribbon from her hair, ties it on a
bush) I’ll leave this here so Papa will
know I went this way. Now, ho for the
open sea! (Exits)
***
SCENE 3
SETTING: The Rotten Carcass pirate
BEAUTY: I just want you home safely,
ship.
MILES: One rose? That’s all? I’ll do my
dressed as a pirate.
Papa, but I wouldn’t mind a red rose.
best. Now, goodbye, dearest daughters!
I must be off, as sure as my name is
Miles Away! (He exits. MITZI and
TRIXIE look at each other and grin.)
MITZI (To TRIXIE): Are you thinking
what I’m thinking?
TRIXIE (To MITZI): Now’s our chance!
(They grab BEAUTY and shove her out
the door.)
MAY 2014
AT RISE: BEAUTY enters. She is now
BEAUTY: Hello! I mean, ahoy there!
Anyone home? (SLUG, GRUB, and
NUB look out and stare.)
SLUG: What are you doing here?
GRUB: Are you playing fancy dress-up,
little girl?
NUB: This ain’t no place for a princess!
53
BEAUTY: I’m not a princess. I want to
join up.
PIRATES (Stunned): What?!
BEAUTY: I want to be a pirate. Do you
have any openings available? (Pirates
confer in worried whispers.)
SLUG: You’ll have to talk to the
Captain.
He doesn’t want the curse broken.
BEAUTY: Are you sure about that?
(Before they can answer, CAPTAIN/
BEAST roars offstage, then enters.)
CAPTAIN/BEAST: RARG!
GRUB (To BEAUTY):
favorite thing to say.
That’s
his
SLUG: Oh, you might want to keep your
CAPTAIN/BEAST: What’s this person
doing here? Lose her way to a garden
party? (Pirates laugh until CAPTAIN/BEAST cuts them off.)
GRUB: He’s got a bad temper.
and I’ve come to join your crew.
BEAUTY: All right. Where is he?
distance.
BEAUTY: He’s supposed to, isn’t he?
After all, he is a pirate.
NUB: Oh, he’s a bit more than that.
He’s cursed.
SLUG: The Sea Hag turned him into a
beast.
GRUB: Actually, it’s kinda cool having a
captain who’s a beast. And he really
likes it.
NUB: Just a few problems, though. I
thought scrubbing the deck was tough
before. Now it’s got hair all over it. The
Captain sheds something fierce.
SLUG: And with all his growling and
carrying on, it’s a bit trickier to sneak
up on people now, but we manage.
BEAUTY: Is there a way to break the
curse?
GRUB: A rose has to bloom on the ship.
Can you imagine that?
BEAUTY: A rose! That’s what I asked
my father to bring me from his travels.
NUB: Well, keep it at home. The
Captain’s really into this beast thing.
54
BEAUTY: Captain, my name is Beauty,
CAPTAIN/BEAST: Wait a minute. Aren’t
you supposed to be in a tower somewhere letting your hair down?
BEAUTY: That’s another story.
CAPTAIN/BEAST: Dancing all night till
your slippers are worn out?
BEAUTY: That’s another story, too.
Captain, your crew tells me you don’t
want to break the curse.
CAPTAIN/BEAST: That’s right. I enjoy
being a beast. It’s liberating. I can do
whatever I want and nobody stops me.
BEAUTY: Couldn’t you do the same
when you were a pirate?
CAPTAIN/BEAST: Hm-m, yes, as a mat-
ter of fact, I could. But there are all
kinds of things I can do now that I’m a
beast. Before, it was a real pain to hold
my sword in my teeth. Now watch this.
(Holds sword in his teeth. Talks
through teeth) Pretty cool, huh? (Takes
sword out of his mouth) And all this fur
keeps me warm on those cold stormy
days at sea. Plus, you have to admit a
pirate beast is beyond fearsome. I feel
this is the real me!
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BEAUTY: I think I know what you
mean. (Indicates her pirate clothes) I
feel this is the real me.
CAPTAIN/BEAST: Still, you can’t join my
crew.
come on board, BEAUTY races off ship
and gives the flower pot a good karate
kick that sends it flying away.) HaYAH! (CAPTAIN/BEAST and pirates
cheer.)
BEAUTY: You changed your story. Why
CAPTAIN/BEAST: That was an excellent
pirate move, Beauty!
CAPTAIN/BEAST: It’s too dangerous for
(Etc.)
can’t I change mine?
a princess.
BEAUTY: But I’m not a princess! I’m—
(MILES AWAY enters in time to call
out her name. He is carrying her hair
ribbon and a rose in a flower pot.)
MILES: Beauty!
PIRATES (Ad lib): I’ll say! What a kick!
CAPTAIN/BEAST: You kept me cursed!
I’d be proud to have you as a member
of my crew!
BEAUTY: Thank you, Captain!
SLUG: Three cheers for Beauty and
Captain Beast!
BEAUTY: Papa!
MILES: What are you doing here? Your
sisters told me you went out to gather
seaweed and never came back! And
then I found your ribbon by the path. I
came this way, hoping to find you.
(Holds up flower pot) I brought you the
red rose you asked for. (He starts
toward ship. CAPTAIN/BEAST draws
back in horror. Pirates gasp.)
BEAUTY: Papa, no! (Before MILES can
PIRATES: Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip,
hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!
MILES (To BEAUTY): Beauty, what in
the world is going on? Why did you do
that?
BEAUTY (Giving him a hug): Come on
board and I’ll tell you all about it,
Papa. It’s a long story. (To audience) A
different story! (All cheer. Curtain)
THE END
Beauty and the Pirate Beast
PRODUCTION NOTES
CHARACTERS: 5 male, 4 female.
PLAYING TIME: 15 minutes.
COSTUMES: Pirate costumes for pirates
and Captain; beast outfit may be worn
underneath for quick costume change;
witch costume for Sea Hag; dresses
and hair ribbons for Mitzi, Trixie, and
Beauty; pirate outfit for Beauty may be
worn underneath her dress for costume change; cloak for Miles Away.
MAY 2014
PROPERTIES: Treasure chest, treasure
map, bottle of toenail polish, magazine,
suitcase or travel bag, broom, sword,
rose in flower pot.
SETTING: Scene 1, a beach with sand,
rocks, bushes; Scene 2, the home of
Miles Away; Scene 3, the pirate ship,
The Rotten Carcass.
LIGHTING and SOUND: No special
effects.
55
Macona, the Honest Warrior
(Play on pages 45-50)
PRODUCTION NOTES
CHARACTERS: 11+ actors: 5 male, 2
female, and as many male/female parts
as desired for two parrots and any
number of mosquitoes.
PLAYING TIME: 20 minutes.
COSTUMES: Carib Indians of the
Guianas. Chief wears fierce-looking
papier-mâché mask head, with waistlength raffia attached as hair. Old
Soribu wears gray wig or powdered
hair. Macona and Luwantai wear
feather headdresses and large earrings. Parrots wear their name colors
in shirts and tights, and have cardboard beaks tied around heads.
Mosquitoes wear black leotards.
Parrots and mosquitoes have crepe
paper streamers attached to arms for
wings.
PROPERTIES: Torn fishing net (basketball net), machete (wooden or rubber
toy), low, carved stool [papier-mâché]
with monkey head on one side and face
with red cheeks and star on forehead
on other side), and block of “wood” partially carved (papier-mâché).
SETTING: There is a painting of a rain
forest of the Guianas on backdrop.
Audience area represents Essequibo
River, with aisle used as entrance. A
cardboard cut-out of a house, with
working doorway, is upstage of steps,
and fishing net is set up beside steps.
Angled on opposite side of steps are
two trees (stepladders covered with
brown paper or burlap, with branches
attached to audience side). Tropical
plants are set near backdrop. In Scene
2, house is moved up center and one
tree is moved to opposite side of stage.
LIGHTING: Lights dim and brighten as
indicated in text, if such facilities are
available.
SOUND: Sounds of jungle animals, such
as jaguar, monkey, frog, and macaw at
times indicated in script, may be
recorded or made by Mosquito actors.
56
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Middle Grades
The Award
Student is chosen to receive coveted school award,
only to come face to face with an ugly truth. . . .
Characters
by Carol D. Wise
JAMES
NATALIE
GEORGE
ELLEN
DAMON
MARGO
CHARLES
DR. NEWMAN
SETTING: School hallway.
AT RISE: JAMES, NATALIE, GEORGE,
ELLEN, DAMON, and MARGO stand
center, each holding school books.
GEORGE: I can’t say that I’m looking
forward to the assembly today.
MARGO: Why not? Don’t you want to
see Charles receive his award?
GEORGE (Shrugging): Not particularly.
DAMON: An all-expenses-paid trip to
Cambridge! Wow! I wish I’d applied
myself more. I’d love to be the one getting that award.
ELLEN: I was hoping Marcy would get
it.
MAY 2014
NATALIE: Me too. I don’t know of anyone who works as hard as Marcy.
DAMON: She does work hard, but so
does Charles. . .and he’s brilliant!
MARGO: Exactly. Most students are
good at either academics or athletics,
but Charles is great in everything. I
don’t think he ever made a grade lower
than an A.
DAMON: And his essays were always
so organized and concise. I wish I could
write like that. Plus he’s a real jock.
ELLEN (Sighing): He did make a holein-one at the golf tournament. I have
to give him credit for that.
JAMES (Hesitantly): And what about
his senior project? It won first place.
NATALIE: It still should have been Marcy.
MARGO: Well, what’s done is done. The
judges picked Charles.
JAMES: Yeah, nothing we can do about
it. (Hesitant) Still, I feel a little guilty
about Charles getting the award.
DAMON: You feel guilty? That’s ridiculous! Why should you feel guilty?
57
MARGO (Laughing): Maybe you’re just
jealous that you didn’t win.
pause). . .so I just did it myself.
NATALIE: But why, James?
JAMES: It was wrong, I know, but I
JAMES: No, guilty’s the right word.
JAMES (Uncomfortably): Well, Charles
came to me at the beginning of the year.
He’d really struggled in school last year,
particularly in writing. John Sewell had
been helping him, but he moved away,
so Charles asked me for help.
DAMON: Well, you should be flattered.
You did a great job.
JAMES: That’s just it. I tried to help
him organize his ideas, but it was
hopeless. His writing was so jumbled
and mixed up. He didn’t have the
slightest idea what a thesis statement
and supporting details were.
NATALIE: Well, you must have gotten
through to him eventually, since he
always made A’s on his papers. I’ve
read some of them. They’re amazing. I
wish I could write like that.
JAMES (Nervously): That’s the prob-
lem. I tried to show him how to write,
but he just couldn’t do it. So I—I—
ELLEN (In sudden realization): James,
you didn’t! (JAMES nods.)
GEORGE (Shocked): You wrote his
papers for him?
JAMES: I started out just writing the
first one after he had given me his
third draft and it was still so bad. It
was just easier to write it myself.
DAMON: But then he got better?
JAMES: No. If anything he got worse.
MARGO: So what did you do?
JAMES: Well. . .I love to write (After a
58
ELLEN (In disbelief): You wrote all of
them?
couldn’t figure out how to get out of it.
Charles was so embarrassed that he
couldn’t write. . .and he was so appreciative for what I was doing for him. I
thought that at least he understood the
material because he did so well on his
tests. I figured he just had writer’s block.
NATALIE (Slowly, with meaning): He didn’t do as well on his tests as you think.
GEORGE (Alarmed): What do you mean?
NATALIE: I saw him cheating. He wrote
answers on his arm and hid them
under long-sleeve shirts.
ELLEN: Natalie, that’s terrible! Why
didn’t you report it?
NATALIE: I didn’t want to rat him out. I
knew he was having trouble at home,
and I felt sorry for him. He seemed to
do so well in everything else. Did you
see his science project? I’ve never seen
anything like it: the effect of a liquid’s
temperature on its index of refraction.
I don’t even know what that means! It
was incredible!
ELLEN (Sharply): Well, not that incredible, since he didn’t do it.
OTHERS (Ad lib): What? Oh, come on!
Are you serious? (Etc.)
ELLEN: His uncle’s a physicist. He did
it. I only know because my father plays
golf with him. He was telling Dad how
much time he spent on it. Charles didn’t even help.
NATALIE: His uncle plays golf? Well,
maybe that’s where Charles learned to
play so well. I mean, we have to give
him credit for that hole-in-one, right?
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GEORGE: No, because Charles didn’t
make that hole-in-one. I saw him move
the ball. It was a pretty good shot, but
it didn’t go in the cup.
JAMES (Shaking his head): Oh, man.
GEORGE: I should have reported it,
but—well—I like Charles and I didn’t
want to be the one to rat on him. I
thought he might be under a lot of
pressure to achieve since he was a candidate for the scholarship. I had no
way of knowing that he was cheating
on everything else as well.
ELLEN: And now, we have a Parton
Middle School Honor Award recipient
who doesn’t deserve it. That’s just great.
GEORGE: I can’t believe it.
MARGO: Charles has been so arrogant
about this, walking around with a big
smirk of satisfaction on his face.
NATALIE: What can we do? I feel terri-
ble. We’ve all contributed to this mess.
ELLEN: Maybe we should go to Dr.
Newman and confess.
GEORGE: I agree. It’s the right thing to
do.
here comes Charles now. I don’t think
I can speak to him, I’m so mad.
(CHARLES enters right.)
CHARLES (Happily): Hi, guys! Are you
ready for the big day?
GEORGE (Sarcastically): Yeah, Charles,
we can hardly wait.
CHARLES (To JAMES): James, by the
way, did you get it to Dr. Newman?
JAMES: Yes. I put it her box this morn-
ing. You insisted you didn’t want to
read it first.
CHARLES: Didn’t need to. You always
come through. (Rubs his hands together) I can’t wait to get to Cambridge.
Maybe you guys can all visit me. Of
course, I’ll be busy, but—hey, I can
always find time for friends.
ELLEN: Charles, don’t you feel bad for
Marcy? She really worked hard for
that award.
CHARLES: Well, it was a contest, and
the better candidate won. That’s just
the way it goes. Marcy understands
that. (Looks off) Hey, look! Here comes
Dr. Newman. (DR. NEWMAN enters
left. She is carrying a sheet of paper.)
JAMES: I don’t think that’ll be neces-
ELLEN: She looks angry.
NATALIE: Why not?
about her speech for the assembly.
sary.
JAMES (Sighing): Let’s just say I’ve
CHARLES: She’s probably just worrying
righted a wrong.
NATALIE (Sarcastically): Oh yeah,
Charles, that must be it.
this wrong.
her with it, Charles.
ELLEN: I don’t see how you can right
DAMON (Glumly): Maybe you can help
NATALIE: He has to know that he does-
CHARLES: Hi, Dr. Newman! Did you get
GEORGE: But he’s accepting it anyway.
DR. NEWMAN (Sternly): As a matter of
fact, Charles, I did get it.
n’t deserve that award.
MARGO (Looking off; angrily): Well,
MAY 2014
my acceptance letter?
59
CHARLES (Nudging JAMES): Pretty
JAMES) I think there’s been a mistake.
DR. NEWMAN: Well, I will say this. It
there has. Please continue.
good, huh?
was certainly enlightening.
CHARLES (Smugly): I like to be thorough.
DR. NEWMAN: Yes, I could see that.
Charles, are you sure you wrote this?
CHARLES (Looking warily at JAMES):
Of course, I did. Maybe it wasn’t up to
my usual high standards, but—
DR. NEWMAN: Oh, it was very well
written. Perfect punctuation, spelling,
and content—as always.
CHARLES: Great. Do you want me to
read it at the assembly?
DR. NEWMAN: No, that won’t be necessary. You might like to read it right
now, though—in front of me. Perhaps
you’d like to excuse your friends?
CHARLES: Oh, I don’t have anything to
hide from them. I’ll practice my diction.
DR. NEWMAN: Then, by all means,
read it aloud. (Hands him the paper)
CHARLES (Reading): I am honored to be
chosen as the recipient of the Parton
Middle School Honor Award for
Academic and Athletic Excellence.
(Beams at friends) It is a coveted recognition of outstanding scholarship, athletic ability, and integrity. (Smiles
again) However, it is with deepest
regret that I must decline (Frowns)
this—a-award. . . .(Pauses; looks at
DR. NEWMAN (Nodding): Yes, I think
CHARLES (Nervously):. . .as I have not
come by it—honestly. (Looks up) Dr.
Newman, this is—(Glares at JAMES)
DR. NEWMAN: I said “continue,” Charles.
CHARLES (Stammering): Some. . .of the
work. . .submitted during the school
year was not—(Sputtering) but—
DR. NEWMAN (Taking the paper; reading): “Some of the work submitted during the school year was not my own, and
I cannot in good conscience accept the
honor offered me. I would like to recommend that Marcy Ceips be offered the
award instead. Thank you for this opportunity to right an egregious wrong.”
CHARLES: Dr. Newman, you’ve got to
believe me. I didn’t write this.
DR. NEWMAN: Oh, I believe you,
Charles. And I’m sorry that you didn’t
write it. I might have respected you
more if you had. (To others) And anyone who contributed to this travesty
must share the responsibility. (All
hang their heads and she exits right.)
CHARLES (Furious): James, I’ll never
speak to you again as long as I live.
(Exits left)
JAMES: I hope not, Charles. I hope not.
(All stand in stunned silence as lights
fade.)
THE END
The Award
PRODUCTION NOTES
CHARACTERS: 4 male, 4 female.
PLAYING TIME: 20 minutes.
COSTUMES: Modern, everyday dress.
PROPERTIES: School books, paper.
60
SETTING: School hallway. Lockers,
posters, other set pieces as desired.
LIGHTING and SOUND: No special
effects.
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