HAMLET WITH EXTRA CHEESE
A FULL-LENGTH COMEDY
By Michael Fountain
Copyright © MMV by Michael Fountain
All Rights Reserved
Heuer Publishing LLC in association with Brooklyn Publishers, LLC
ISBN: 1-60003-147-1
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Hamlet with Extra Cheese – Page 2
HAMLET WITH EXTRA CHEESE
ACT I
Y
by
Michael Fountain
CHARACTERS
7 M, 3 F, 5 Either Gender
OP
ANTONY AND CLEOPATRA
Queen of Egypt
CHARMAIN and IRIS
serving maids to CLEOPATRA; they fan
her with peacock feathers throughout the
play
PTOLEMY
younger brother to CLEOPATRA;
competition for the throne of Egypt
CASSIUS
in
military dictator of the Roman Empire
student to CAESAR and later the lover of
CLEOPATRA
NO
JULIUS CAESAR
MARK ANTONY
BRUTUS
TC
CLEOPATRA
another student to CAESAR and later his
assassin
leader of the plot to assassinate CAESAR
ROMAN MOB/ SENATORS a fickle mixed group of 2-3 or more actors;
they carry protest signs with opposing
slogans on either side
a fortuneteller
OCTAVIAN
nephew
to
JULIUS
CAESAR;
in
competition with ANTONY for control of the
empire; later known as Caesar Augustus
SCRIBE
a literate Egyptian with a hieroglyphic
notepad
CROCODILE HUNTER
wildlife expert and television personality
DO
SOOTHSAYER
Hamlet with Extra Cheese – Page 3
ANTONY AND CLEOPATRA
(much abused by Michael Fountain)
Y
At Rise: Enter CLEOPATRA, fanned by CHARMAIN and IRIS and
followed by PTOLEMY.
DO
NO
TC
OP
CLEOPATRA: Dear Diary: another boring day as the Queen of Egypt.
PTOLEMY: Whatcha doin’, huh? Whatcha doin?
CLEOPATRA: Bathed in ass’s milk; had pearls dissolved in vinegar for
lunch; assassinated little brother... (stabs PTOLEMY and HE
staggers off dying) P.S. - that Roman general, Julius Caesar, is so
cute!
CAESAR: (enters) I came, I saw, I conquered. What’s next on the
agenda? Hm, subdue the Gauls… check. Hunt down pirates…
check. Oh, hi, Cleo…
CLEOPATRA: He knows my name!
CAESAR: Redesign the calendar… check. Have decided to name the
seventh month after myself… Julilicious? No… September, October,
Caesarborer... that’s it! April, May, June, Caesarborer...
CLEOPATRA: Dear Diary: same old same old.
PTOLEMY: (staggers back, only wounded) Whatcha doin’, huh?
Whatcha doin?
CLEOPATRA: Up and down the Nile on my barge; was worshipped as a
goddess - AGAIN; assassinated little brother... (poisons PTOLEMY
and HE staggers off dying) P.S. I can’t wait to hook up with Julius
C! The way he slaughters thousands and combs his hair to cover
that little bald spot, is so cute!
CAESAR: Okay… cross the Rubicon… check. Help crush slave
rebellion… check. Conquer Egypt… check.
CLEOPATRA: Dear Diary: They won’t let me in to see Julius! Have
decided to smuggle myself in, rolled up in a carpet.
(CHARMAIN and IRIS wrap CLEOPATRA in a carpet and deliver her
to CAESAR)
CAESAR: What this? Do not open until Christmas? But that won’t be
invented for another fifty years! (unrolls carpet)
CLEOPATRA: Surprise!
CAESAR: I’ll say! I was expecting Claudette Colbert or Liz Taylor.
CLEOPATRA: Ah, Caesar, together we shall PTOLEMY: (still not dead, moving between them) Whatcha doin’,
huh? Whatcha doin’?
Hamlet with Extra Cheese – Page 4
(CLEOPATRA hands PTOLEMY a prop bomb; CAESAR lights the
fuse, PTOLEMY skips offstage; a pause, then an explosion and a
cloud of confetti.)
NO
TC
OP
Y
CLEOPATRA: Together we shall rule the world.
CAESAR: Sounds great! Oh, wait, let me check my planner… hmm, I
have business in Rome right up through the Ides of March… what’s
April look like to you?
CLEOPATRA: (sighs) April is the cruelest month…
CAESAR: Tell me about it. So, can I… call you later?
CLEOPATRA: Of course you can, you most powerful man in the world,
you. (exits)
SOOTHSAYER: (enters) Caesar! Beware the Ides of March!
CAESAR: Beware the Ides of March? And who are you?
SOOTHSAYER: I’m a soothsayer. Silence! I shall say the sooth!
CAESAR: So get on with it then.
SOOTHSAYER: Look, buddy, I’ve had it up to here with your attitude. I
only have one line, and I’m going to milk it for everything it’s got.
Some of us don’t get to play “Master of the Roman World.” Some of
us don’t get to play “Cootchi-coo with the Queen of the Nile.” Some
of us just have to play the Soothsayer.
CAESAR: So say it then
SOOTHSAYER: (dramatically) Cae-sarrrr! Bewarrre… (rolls his eyes
at CAESAR, making him wait for it) The Iiiiides… of March!
(CHORUS applauds. SOOTHSAYER bows and exits.)
CAESAR: Ides, ides… what is that, the fifteenth?
DO
(Enter ANTONY and BRUTUS, followed by the ROMAN MOB
carrying placards saying “Hail Caesar!”, “Make Julius Emperor
Now”, etc.)
ANTONY and BRUTUS: (together) Hail, Caesar!
CASSIUS: (a beat too late) Uh, Hail.
CAESAR: What news, Marc Antony? What news, my noble Brutus?
ANTONY: The Roman mob is tired of this crazy republican mess. They
just want their bread and circuses. They want to abolish the Republic
and make you the Emperor.
MOB: Hooray for Julius Caesar, Down with the Senate, Who needs a
Republic? etc.
CAESAR: Aw, shucks. For little old me? Really, you shouldn’t have…
BRUTUS: The Roman Senate is very angry with you. The senators are
accusing you of trying to make yourself a dictator.
Hamlet with Extra Cheese – Page 5
(Enter SENATORS to stand by CASSIUS and BRUTUS.)
OP
Y
CAESAR: Stupid senators - always trying to spoil my fun! Who’s the
skinny one, there?
ANTONY: That is Cassius, my lord.
CAESAR: Yon Cassius has a lean and hungry look. He thinks too much;
such men are dangerous.
BRUTUS: Aren’t you afraid of going to the Senate? I mean, it is the Ides
of March…
CAESAR: Cowards die many times before their death; the valiant never
taste of death but once.
CASSIUS: Then taste this, you tyrant!
(CASSIUS and SENATORS attack and stab CAESAR.)
DO
NO
TC
CAESAR: (on his knees) Well at least I can always count on you,
Brutus. Hand me a bandaid and some Neosporin, would you? Maybe
some aspirin…
BRUTUS: Gee, I don’t know… I kind of think the Senators have a point.
(stabs CAESAR)
CAESAR: Et tu, Brute? Then fall, Caesar! (dies)
CASSIUS: The tyrant is dead! Hooray for our side!
MOB: Hooray for our side! Hooray for Cassius and Brutus!
ANTONY: Friends, Romans, Countrymen! Lend me your ears! Did you
know that if elected, Caesar promised you bread, circuses, and a big
tax cut to be paid for later?
MOB: A tax cut? Oh, goodie, etc.
ANTONY: It’s those tax and spend liberals in the Senate that have
murdered your hero, Julius Caesar! If you elect me, I promise to
carry on the legacy of Julius Caesar! I want to be the Education
Emperor!
MOB: Grr…. hooray for Antony! Death to Brutus and Cassius!
CASSIUS: Curse you, Antony! I knew we should have gotten a recount!
(kills himself with his own sword)
BRUTUS: So much for campaign finance reform. This really isn’t
working out the way I planned. Hold this for a second, will you?
(runs onto his own sword and kills himself)
ANTONY: Well, here I am, master of the Roman world.
CLEOPATRA: (enters, running into ANTONY’S arms) And here you
are, Master of the Roman World.
ANTONY: Peel me another grape, would you, dear?
CLEOPATRA: Of course, my angel.
OCTAVIAN: (enters) Aren’t you forgetting someone?
Hamlet with Extra Cheese – Page 6
TC
OP
Y
CLEOPATRA: Who? Who did we forget? (looks around) Did we forget
about anyone?
OCTAVIAN: You forgot about me, Octavian, nephew to Julius Caesar,
later to be known as Caesar Augustus!
ANTONY: Oh, that pencil-necked geek.
OCTAVIAN: I’m the pencil necked geek who’s been taking care of
business, while you’ve been spending your time playing footsie with
Miss Congeniality, here. Remember all those staff meetings that you
couldn’t be bothered to attend? Remember those homework
assignments you never bothered to hand in? Remember, Mister “I’m
too cool to stay in school?”
ANTONY: (yawns, takes another drink of wine) Yeah, so?
OCTAVIAN: Well, now the chickens have come home to roost. While
you’ve been hanging out with this Egyptian cupcake, I’ve been doing
all the hard work of keeping the Roman Empire running. And I’ve
decided to make some changes in top management.
ANTONY: (still lounging) Whatever…
CLEOPATRA: Talk to the hand, ‘cause the goddess ain’t listening.
OCTAVIAN: By the way, Marc Antony, did you remember to tell
Cleopatra that you’re still married to my sister?
NO
(ANTONY does a spit take.)
DO
CLEOPATRA: What? You’re married?
ANTONY: Cleo, let me explain…
CLEOPATRA: Explain this, you rat! I’m taking my navy and going home.
(exits)
OCTAVIAN: Surrender, Antony! Your pharonic floozy has ratted you out!
Give up now and I’ll go easy on you before I feed you to the lions.
ANTONY: Oh this false soul of Egypt! Well, Cleopatra may have run out
on me, but I can still whip you, Octavian! I still have my army behind
me - ready, boys?
(ROMAN MOB, carrying swords and spears, have tiptoed away from
ANTONY and gather behind OCTAVIAN.)
ROMAN MOB: Right behind you, chief!
OCTAVIAN: You’re yesterday’s news, Marc Antony. You have kissed
away kingdoms and provinces. The Roman lions are too good for
you - I think the Egyptians might enjoy feeding you to the sacred
crocodile.
ANTONY: Betrayed by a pretty face! Scribe!
Hamlet with Extra Cheese – Page 7
(SCRIBE enters and crosses back and forth for the following
exchange between ANTONY and CLEOPATRA.)
DO
NO
TC
OP
Y
ANTONY: Take a message to Cleopatra: Dear Cleo: Roses are red, the
Nile is blue; Please come back to me, or I’m crocodile poo.
CLEOPATRA: (reads the message, addresses SCRIBE) Tell him I
dropped dead, and I hope he does too. Tell him my dying words
were “Antony, most noble Antony.” And then come back and tell me
how he takes the news.
ANTONY: (reads her answer) Cleopatra dead? All is lost! (takes out
his sword and stabs himself)
CLEOPATRA: Well, how did he take it?
SCRIBE: (beat) Not well.
ANTONY: What, still not dead? I can’t do anything right!
CLEOPATRA: (goes to him) Oh, sweetie, you know you’re always your
own worst critic.
ANTONY: I lived like the prince of the world, and now - (dies)
OCTAVIAN: All right, Cleopatra, we know you’re in there - come out
with your hands up! You’re coming with me back to Rome, where
you have a starring role in my victory parade.
CLEOPATRA: Moi, Cleopatra, Queen of the Nile, in a supporting role?
I’d rather die first! (to IRIS and CHARMAIN) Fetch me the youknow-what. Give me my robe. Give me my crown. I have immortal
longings in me.
CHARMAIN: Your majesty, here is the royal snake handler with the
royal you-know-what.
CROCODILE HUNTER: (with thick Australian accent, carrying a
basket and rubber snake) Crikey! This ‘ere’s the deadly Egyptian
asp! Isn’t ‘e beautiful? This little buggah’s so venomous, you don’t
even have to be in the same room with ‘im. ‘E could just bite your
footprints while you were out of town for the weekend, and you’d be
stone dead by Labor Day!
IRIS: I forgot to warn you that the royal snake handler IS a royal pain in
the you-know-what.
CROCODILE HUNTER: ‘Oo! Didja see how he’s wrigglin’? What I’m
doing right now is REALLY irritating him, and the fascinating thing
about the Egyptian asp is that he only bites when someone REALLY
gets on his nerves…like this! And shouts in a loud voice… like this!
Let’s see what happens if I poke at him, like this—oh, buggah!
(drops dead)
CLEOPATRA: (holds the poisonous snake aloft) Come, Kevorkian!
With thy sharp teeth, this knot of life untie. Poor venomous fool - be
angry, and dispatch me with thy kiss! (lies back and waits; nothing
happens) I think the snake’s busted.
Hamlet with Extra Cheese – Page 8
DO
NO
CURTAIN
TC
OP
Y
CHARMAIN: Maybe you aren’t annoying enough.
IRIS: Don’t disrespect our queen! Your majesty is EXTREMELY
annoying.
CLEOPATRA: Stupid snake! I’ll teach you to bite! (bites the snake;
they tussle together) No one defies Cleopatra, the Queen of the gack! (dies)
OCTAVIAN: (enters) Guards! Guards! Cleopatra is trying to escape!
CHARMAIN: You’re too late, Octavian. The star of Asia has gone to join
her Antony.
OCTAVIAN: Poisoned! I hate poison. Thank goodness we aren’t like
that in Rome. My wife Livia wouldn’t allow it. Still, it’s sad; the death
of Antony and Cleopatra marks the end of an age.
IRIS: You are wise, Octavian Caesar. Have you thought about changing
your name to Augustus?
OCTAVIAN: That’s not a bad idea. June, July, August - it has a nice ring
to it. (They start to drag the bodies off.) Let me tell you about my
grandchildren - there’s little Claudius, he’s the one with the stutter and little Caligula, what a mischievous scamp he is.
CHARMAIN: (to the audience) We’d have been better off with Tony
and Cleo!
Hamlet with Extra Cheese – Page 9
ACT II
MACBETH
Y
CHARACTERS
5 M, 4 F, 2 Either Gender with Assorted Henchmen (11+ total)
OP
FIRST WITCH
SECOND WITCH
the Weird Sisters can be cast in various ways: as
ancient hags; as the Greek Fates; dressed in red,
black and white; or three different ages, as
Maiden, Nymph and Crone
MACBETH
Scottish chieftain
BANQUO
Scottish chieftain, friend to MACBETH
LADY MACBETH
Wife to MACBETH; sometimes sweet, sometimes
sour
MACDUFF
NO
MALCOLM
TC
THIRD WITCH
Scottish chieftain, proper heir to the throne
Scottish chieftain and avenger
soap salesman (name can be updated if desired)
MESSENGER
A lackey
CHILD’S VOICE
Innocent victim, child of MACDUFF
NERDY VOICE
Offstage tattletale
DO
BILLY MAYS
Hamlet with Extra Cheese – Page 10
MACBETH
(maladapted by Michael Fountain)
Y
At Rise: Enter THREE WITCHES.
TC
OP
FIRST WITCH: When shall we three meet again, in thunder, lightning, or
in rain?
SECOND WITCH: When the hurley burley’s done; when the battle’s lost
and won.
THIRD WITCH: Where the place?
FIRST WITCH: Upon the heath.
SECOND WITCH: There to meet with…
ALL: (crash of thunder) MACBETH!!!
(Enter MACBETH and BANQUO.)
NO
MACBETH: So foul and fair a day I have not seen.
WITCHES: (all) Hail, Macbeth! Hail to thee, thane of Cawdor!
FIRST WITCH: Hail to thee, Sirloin of Beef!
SECOND WITCH: Hail to thee, Sir Ran of Wrap!
THIRD WITCH: Macbeth and Banquo, all hail!
BANQUO: (holds out his hand to check the weather) That’s not hail…
looks more like sleet.
(Cast and crew groan and turn on BANQUO.)
DO
WITCHES: (impatiently) Get on with it!
BANQUO: Sorry. Ahem. What are these that look not like the inhabitants
of the earth? You should be women, and yet your beards forbid me
to interpret that you are so.
WITCHES.: (all) Beards? Eeeewww!!!
FIRST WITCH: I told you we should have used ‘Nads’!
SECOND WITCH: I told you we were out of hormone pills!
THIRD WITCH: Does this witch’s outfit make me look fat?
MACBETH: (impatiently) Get on with it!
FIRST WITCH: All Hail Macbeth, that shall be king hereafter!
SECOND WITCH: All hail Banquo, you shall beget kings, although you
be not king!
BANQUO: What’s a beget?
MACBETH: You know, it’s one of those little French rolls, like a
croissant…
CAST and CREW: Get on with it!
Hamlet with Extra Cheese – Page 11
Y
MACBETH and BANQUO: Sorry!
BANQUO: I shall beget kings, although I be not king!
MACBETH: A riddle?
BANQUO: Oo, I love riddles! (as MACBETH drags him off) Let me try is it a sun burnt zebra? A live chicken? No, wait - because he was a
little more on!
OP
(Sound of thunder.)
DO
NO
TC
LADY MACBETH:
(addresses an audience member) I’m Lady
Macbeth, hot babe and tragic heroine. I’m ruthless and ambitious
and I eat punks like you for breakfast.
MACBETH: Sweetiekins, I’m home.
LADY MACBETH: (yawns) Oh, it’s you. Whad’ya bring me?
MACBETH: (Fawning, trying to please her. SHE looks bored.) I
brought you furs… (hands her a stuffed animal). Jewels… (gives
her Mardi Gras beads) expensive cars…no, wait, the car hasn’t
been invented yet. (LADY MACBETH sits and does her nails.) Oh,
and three refugees from a Grateful Dead concert told me I was going
to be king… (SHE looks up.)
LADY MACBETH: (jumps into his lap and smothers him with kisses)
Snookipie! Is’m Big Stwong Macbeth gonna be the big kingy-wingy
and make his widdle SnookieBunny his’m widdle queenie-weenie?
MACBETH: (stands up; LADY MACBETH does a pratfall onto the
floor.) And if widdle queeny-weeny keeps talking like that, Big
Stwong Man gonna knock her teef down her fwoat!
LADY MACBETH: (grabbing MACBETH) Don’t you see what this
means? This is our big chance! The king himself will be sleeping
here tonight!!!
MACBETH: But what good does that do us? He’s as healthy as a horse!
LADY MACBETH: Not when you get done filling him full of holes!
(throws MACBETH to the floor) OOOOOOOOOO! I want that
crown!
MACBETH: (whimpers) Oooh… That really hurt!
LADY MACBETH: (snarls) Stop whining!
MACBETH: (sits up) I can’t murder an innocent man in his sleep!
LADY MACBETH: (sniffles) Mother was right! I should have married
that nice Vlad the Impaler.
MACBETH: But what if we should fail?
LADY MACBETH: Put your courage to the sticking place, and we’ll not
fail! Step one… I’ll drug the guards! Step two… you sneak into the
room! Step three…You kill the old man! Step four… I smear blood on
the guards, we frame them for the murder, and before you can say
Step Five… (hands him a serious looking dagger)
Hamlet with Extra Cheese – Page 12
OP
Y
MACBETH: Is this a dagger I see before me, the handle before my
hand?
LADY MACBETH: (sarcastically) Naw… it’s his baby binky, and I want
you to tell him a night-night story! (shoves him forward)
MACBETH: I didn’t know the king had a binky.
LADY MACBETH: (sarcastically) It’s not a binky.
MACBETH: That’s good, ‘cause it doesn’t look like a binky…
LADY MACBETH: It’s a spatula, and I want you to turn him over when
the bubbles rise!
(They exit together. We hear screams and mayhem from backstage.
Enter the THREE WITCHES, with a cauldron. A cat calls out three
times.)
DO
NO
TC
FIRST WITCH: Thrice the brinded cat hath mewed. (cat call)
SECOND WITCH: Thrice, and once the hedgepig whined. (horse’s
whinny)
THIRD WITCH: Harpier calls. (duck call). ‘Tis time, ‘tis time.
FIRST WITCH: ‘Round about the cauldron go; in the poisoned entrails
throw.
ALL: Double, double, toil and trouble; fire burn and cauldron bubble.
SECOND WITCH: Fillet of a fenny snake, in the cauldron boil and bake.
ALL: Double, double, toil and trouble; fire burn and cauldron bubble.
THIRD WITCH: Eye of newt, and toe of frog, Wool of bat, and tongue of
dog.
ALL: Double, double, toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
MACBETH: I sit upon a throne of blood.
LADY MACBETH: Sweetikins…. Do you remember what those nice
witches said about Banquo begetting kings? If Banquo’s children
grow up to be kings, what do you think that means for our future?
MACBETH: Our future? I have a diversified portfolio—and the throne of
blood comes with an attractive 401K plan.
LADY MACBETH: Sugarbumps, I think it’s time your henchmen paid a
visit to your old pal Banquo.
(BANQUO wanders onstage, does a take as the MACBETHS stalk
towards him. They exit together; sounds of murder and mayhem
from backstage.)
THREE WITCHES: Double, double, toil and trouble; Fire burn and
cauldron bubble.
(MACBETH crosses, wiping off the blood, followed by LADY
MACBETH.)
Hamlet with Extra Cheese – Page 13
OP
Y
LADY MACBETH: Babycakes, That rude Mr. Macduff has been bad
mouthing you in the press. He says we didn’t win the popular vote,
and the only reason you’re king is because we murdered the
Supreme Court. I think it’s time we paid Macduff’s family a little visit,
just to show we mean business. (offstage, sound of knocking)
Little boy, is your father at home?
CHILD’S VOICE: (offstage) No he’s not - may I take a message?
MACBETH: (offstage) You can tell him this!
(More sounds of murder and mayhem from backstage.)
THREE WITCHES: Double, double, toil and trouble; Fire burn and
cauldron bubble.
TC
(Enter MACDUFF and MALCOLM.)
DO
NO
MACDUFF: Stands Scotland where it did?
MALCOLM: Alas, poor country! It cannot be called our country, but our
grave.
MACDUFF: What’s the newest grief? How does my wife? And all my
children?
MALCOLM: They were at peace when I did leave them.
MACDUFF: (as realization dawns) Keep it not from me - quickly let me
have it.
MALCOLM: Your castle is surprised; your wife and babes savagely
slaughtered.
MACDUFF: All my pretty ones? Did you say all? Oh, hell-kite! All?
MALCOLM: Be this the whetstone of your sword; let grief convert to
anger.
MACDUFF: I will be revenged! (exits)
THREE WITCHES: Double, double, toil and trouble; fire burn and
cauldron bubble.
MACBETH: (enters) How now, you secret, black and midnight hags,
what is’t you do?
FIRST WITCH: Speak.
SECOND WITCH: Demand.
THIRD WITCH: We’ll answer.
MACBETH: I’ve slaughtered all my enemies,
CHORUS: Boo, hiss!
MACBETH: I’ve slaughtered all their friends,
CHORUS: Boo, hiss!
MACBETH: Now tell me, witches-- what more have I to fear?
WITCHES: (together) Beware Macduff!
MACBETH: Beware Macduff?
Hamlet with Extra Cheese – Page 14
NO
TC
OP
Y
WITCHES: (all) Beware Macduff!
FIRST WITCH: But be bloody, bold and resolute; laugh to scorn the
power of man, for none that is of woman born can harm Macbeth.
MACBETH: But everyone that lives was born of a woman! Then live,
Macduff, what need I fear of thee?
SECOND WITCH: Macbeth shall never vanquished be, until Birnam
Wood comes to Dunsinane Castle!
MACBETH: Then I am invincible! Who can bid the tree unfix his earthbound root? The trees in Birnam wood will never get up and walk to
Dunsinane Castle! No man can stop me! I am the greatest! I am the
greatest! (exits)
LADY MACBETH: (enters, trying to scrub a bloody sheet) These
stains are driving me crazy!! Out, damned spot! Out, I say!
BILLY MAYS: (enters) Trouble with blood stains? I’m Billy Mays, for Oxy
Clean, the stain specialist!
LADY MACBETH: Nooooooooo! (runs to the window)
BILLY MAYS: (takes the sheets from her) You’ve got grass stains,
grease stains, and worst of all, blood stains!
LADY MACBETH: (leaps to the window sill to kill herself) Stay back! I
won’t live in a world with infomercials!
BILLY MAYS: (wrestling with her) If you call now, I’ll send you a
whopping five gallon bucket absolutely free!
LADY MACBETH: I’m taking you with me! The world will thank me!
(SHE grabs BILLY MAYS and leaps to her death; sound of
breaking glass, a long shriek, a thud.)
CHORUS: Yay!!!
(Enter MACBETH and MESSENGER.)
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MACBETH: Who wrote this mess?
MESSENGER: My lord, it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
signifying nothing.
MACBETH: What news of the rebellion?
MESSENGER: My lord, the rebels have camouflaged themselves with
branches of the trees. It looks as if the trees of Birnam Wood have
finally come to Dunsinane.
MACBETH: The witches’ prophecy has come true! (Enter MACDUFF
and MALCOLM with BANQUO’S GHOST wearing camouflage,
carrying branches and leaves. MACBETH whispers…) Who’s that
in the middle?
MESSENGER: My lord, ‘tis Malcolm in the middle.
(ALL the actors turn on him. CHORUS groans.)
Hamlet with Extra Cheese – Page 15
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MACBETH: What a terrible joke!
MESSENGER: But it’s my only good line! (runs off sobbing)
MACDUFF: Turn, hell-hound, turn!
MACBETH: Nice camouflage. It might interest you to know that you’re
wearing poison ivy.
OP
(On a slow count of three, MALCOLM and BANQUO look down at
themselves, stand knock-kneed and start to itch, then whimper off
the stage.)
TC
MACBETH: Ha! They must have been born of woman. (to MACDUFF)
What, are you still here? Don’t you know that I can’t be harmed by
anyone born of a woman?
MACDUFF: (draws his sword) Despair thy charm! Macduff was from
his mother’s womb untimely ripped!
MACBETH: You were delivered by C-section? Those sneaky witches
didn’t warn me about that! (MACDUFF blows a Bronx cheer.) Then
lay on, Macduff, and damned be he who first cries Hold, Enough!
NERDY VOICE: (from backstage) He said ‘damned!’
MACBETH and MACDUFF: (together) Shut up!
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(They fight. MACBETH is killed.)
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MACDUFF: The bloody dog is dead! Well, that’s that. It all worked out in
the end.
FIRST WITCH: It was destiny, child. (snapping her fingers)
MACDUFF: Destiny’s Child? I love your music; can I have your
autograph?
SECOND WITCH: It says in the script you’re supposed to cut his head
off.
MACDUFF: Not on this budget.
CURTAIN
Hamlet with Extra Cheese – Page 16
ACT III
RICHARD III
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CHARACTERS
5 M, 4 F, 4 Either Gender
the villain
OLD KING
father to RICHARD
PRINCE
heir to the throne and brother to RICHARD
QUEEN.
wife to the PRINCE, daughter in law to the OLD
KING, mother of the PRINCES and ELIZABETH
WOMAN’S VOICE
offstage one-liner
INSULT COMIC
an insult comic, with rimshots
TOADY
evil henchman to RICHARD
LADY ANNE
widow of RICHARD’S enemy
NO
TC
OP
RICHARD III
DEAD HUSBAND
a lively corpse
LITTLE PRINCES
nephews to RICHARD
ELIZABETH
RICHARD’S niece
Hero and future King of England
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HENRY
Hamlet with Extra Cheese – Page 17
RICHARD III
Adapted (butchered) by Michael Fountain
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At Rise: Enter RICHARD III, with OLD KING and PRINCE.
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NO
TC
OP
RICHARD: Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer
by this sun of York.
OLD KING: (old crochety voice) I am York.
PRINCE.: (high squeaky voice) I am his son.
TOGETHER: He is (I am) the Son of York.
RICHARD III: (shoves them aside contemptuously, taking center
stage) And I am the son of York’s depraved, deprived, deformed,
and professionally evil brother, Richard the Third!
CHORUS: Da da dah dummmm! (ominous music)
RICHARD III: I used to be somebody - a mighty soldier, a famous
general, and a very popular mass murderer! I coulda been a
contender! But now the war is over, and everyone’s dancing, and
necking and playing tonsil hockey… but I, that am not shaped for
sportive tricks… (indicates his hunchback and crippled leg and
hand) nor made to court an amorous looking glass (looks at
himself in a mirror, screams) so lame and unfashionable that dogs
bark at me… (dogs bark) and since I cannot prove a lover (HE tries
to kiss a woman’s hand, SHE shoves him away)
WOMAN: Yuk, monkey!
RICHARD III: (shakes his fist at the world) I am determined to prove a
villain!
CHORUS: Da da dah dummmm! (ominous music)
INSULT COMIC: When Richard III was born, he was so ugly, the doctor
slapped his mama! (rimshot) So ugly, he had to sneak up on a glass
of water! (rimshot) His mama used to feed him with a slingshot...
(RICHARD III brutally kills COMIC and signals for a rimshot. Ba-dadum. RICHARD whistles for help. TOADY enters and drags off
INSULT COMIC’S body.)
TOADY: What a comedian! You’re killing them out there.
RICHARD III: Now, before your very eyes, (pantomimes this with
great violence and relish) I shall murder one of my enemies...
CHORUS: Boo, hiss!
RICHARD III: Then woo, seduce, and marry his widow - with his corpse
in the same room...
CHORUS: Boo, hiss!
RICHARD III: Drive her into madness...
Hamlet with Extra Cheese – Page 18
OP
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CHORUS: Boo, hiss!
RICHARD III: Strangle my nephews and stuff them into a barrel under
the stairs!
CHORUS: Boo, hiss!
RICHARD III: Get rid of my brothers, kill off thousands of extras, peons
and peasants, propose marriage to my own niece...
CHORUS: Yuck, gross! You so nasty!
RICHARD III: And all with style and panache because I am a snappy
dresser with a great sense of humor.
CHORUS: Da da dah dummmm! (ominous music)
RICHARD III: I may be only the second most evil character in all of
Shakespeare… (grabs an audience member by the lapels) but I…
try… harder!
TC
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