Bay and The Spectacles of Doom (1st ed. - 08.01.07) - bayandthespectaclesofdoom6jr
Copyright © 2007 Julia Cho
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For Ed, who can certainly be both if he wants to.
Cast of Characters
BAY, An eleven-year-old Asian boy. He wears what might
possibly be the most awful pair of glasses in the world.
A Greek Chorus of sorts that plays all the rest of the characters
(of which there are legion):
ACTOR 1: Joey Zamboni / Judge / Very Odd Man /
Ichiro / Talent Show Mc
ACTOR 2: Mother / Trudy / Columbus / Lincoln / The
Old Woman
ACTOR 3: Yo Yo Ma / Judy / Little Bay / Ichiro’s
Mother
ACTOR 4: Rabbit / Astronaut / Spaceship Captain / Dad
Setting
The here and now.
Production Notes
The play was written for specifically for five actors. This can
make for a fun and extremely energetic show, as the actors
have to run around to play all of the parts. However, the play
could easily accommodate a larger cast with more actors
playing fewer parts.
Three of the songs—“The Very Special Number Song,”
“Ichiro” and “Silly Sally”—have music written by Florence
Yoo. All other incidental music as well as the last song, which
is a rap song, must be composed by the theater for the production. (See the back of this book for sheet music.)
6
Acknowledgments
Bay and The Spectacles of Doom was first performed as part of
the La Jolla Playhouse Performance Outreach Program (POP)
Tour, January 24–March 12, 2005, with the following cast and
staff:
BAY .........................................................Ogie Zulueta
ACTOR 1 .................................................. Rhys Green
ACTOR 2 ............................................Danielle Kohne
ACTOR 3 ........................................Jeannine Marquie
ACTOR 4 .............................................. Amir Khastoo
Director ..................................................Robert Castro
Set and
Costume Design ....................Melpomene Katakalos
Sound Design and
Additional Music ..............................Ed Barguiarena
All production groups performing this play are required to include the following credits on the title page of every program:
Bay and The Spectacles of Doom by Julia Cho, with
songs by Julia Cho and Florence Yoo
Originally commissioned by and the world
premiere of Bay and The Spectacles of Doom
produced by La Jolla Playhouse, Christopher
Ashley, Artistic Director & Steven Libman,
Managing Director
February 2005
7
BAY AND THE SPECTACLES OF DOOM
by Julia Cho
WITH SONGS BY JULIA CHO AND FLORENCE YOO
(We hear the opening strains of “The Very Special Number Song.”)
ACTOR 1. Bay was a boy who couldn’t seem to do anything right.
(BAY wears a baseball cap for the Seattle Mariners. He swings a
baseball bat hard and misses.)
ALL. Steeeee-rike three!
ACTOR 2. He wasn’t the right height.
(BAY tries to make a basket. He misses.)
ALL. AIRBALL.
ACTOR 3. And he wasn’t the right weight.
ALL. LARDBUTT.
ACTOR 4. And no one could understand very well what he was
saying.
(BAY steps up to a microphone.)
BAY. Prevaricate. P-R-E-V-A-R-I-THEE-A-T-E. Prevaricate.
(From here on out, BAY has a lisp even if it isn’t denoted.)
JUDGE. Ah, was that “Ceee”? Or “Zeee?”
BAY. Cee. Cee. Cee!
JUDGE. I’m sorry but there is no “z” in prevaricate.
(A buzzer.)
(BAY sighs.)
ACTOR 3. He had a mother who meant well but…
MOTHER. Time for a haircut, Bay! Bring me the bowl!
(She holds up a pair of scissors.)
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Julia Cho
10
ACTOR 4. And a father—
(We see a light shining on an empty easy chair.)
Who was always at work.
(BAY starts throwing a baseball and trying to hit it with a bat. He
tries and misses over and over again.)
ACTOR 1. Now I know what you’re thinking:
So what?
Who cares about a boy who can’t seem to do anything right?
Kids like that are everywhere. Why, I bet there are a few kids like
that right here today. (He peers out over the audience.) And you know
who you are.
ACTOR 3. So this story is for you. A story about one very normal,
very unmagical boy, on the day he turns eleven years old.
That’s One One.
A very special number.
(EVERYONE but BAY sings “A Very Special Number Song.” BAY
adds the asides in parentheses, which are spoken, not sung.)
EVERYONE.
Eleven is a very special number (it is?)
It’s the same forward (that’s true)
It’s the same backward
It’s the same right side up and upside down
Eleven is a very odd number (it’s not that odd)
The number two is not its friend (ah, who needs it)
They call it a prime number (what’s that?)
Nothing times nothing equals eleven
(There is a short musical interlude, during which the ACTORS banter and talk.)
ACTOR 1.
So let me get this straight—
ACTOR 2.
A prime is zero times zero—
BAY.
(Trying to speak over the ACTORS:)
Uh, hey guys? Guess what?
I’m eleven today. That’s right.
Bay and The Spectacles of Doom
ACTOR 3.
No no no, a prime number has
no factors—
BAY. It’s my birthday.
ACTOR 4. What’s a factor?
(The interlude ends. They resume singing.)
EVERYONE. (except BAY:)
Eleven is a very beautiful number
A symmetrical mirror image
But no matter how beautiful
Eleven is just two ones isn’t it?
And one is a very lonely number
A very lonely number
Goodness knows
It could use a friend
It could use a friend
It could use a friend
Won’t you be its friend?
BAY.
(Singing:) Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday dear Bay…
(Song ends.)
(Morning.)
(Bay’s bedroom. BAY is in bed.)
(Above his bed is a poster of Ichiro looking very heroic.)
(MOTHER appears.)
MOTHER. Bay! Wake up!
Wake up!
It’s going to be a wonderful day!
(BAY yawns and stretches.)
Look what I have for you!
(She hands him a box.)
BAY. Cool! Is it a Game Cube? Is it a Playstation? Is it a—
(Out comes a large, green piece of fabric.)
Big piece of green something?
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Julia Cho
12
MOTHER. It’s your costume!
BAY. My what?
MOTHER. For the talent show! It’s the annual Talent Show today!
Don’t tell me you forgot!
BAY. Is that why today’s so special?
MOTHER. Of course it is. Why else?
(BAY dives under the covers.)
BAY. I can’t play—I feel sick.
MOTHER. What are you talking about? (She feels his forehead.) You
feel just fine to me.
BAY. What if they boo me, Mom? They’ve booed me for the last
five years in a row.
MOTHER. That’s why you need a costume. Which I worked very
hard to make.
BAY. But I don’t even want a costume.
MOTHER. Trust me, sweetie. Everyone will love it.
Now, here’s your flute. I cleaned it for you.
Play just a little for me. Go on. A preview of what’s to come!
(She hands BAY his flute.)
(From under the covers he plays a couple of measures of “The Rainbow Connection.”)
Beautiful!
You sound just like my hero:
(A blare of trumpets. A huge photo of Yo Yo Ma appears.)
Yo Yo Ma!
And someday, Bay, if you work very very hard,
then you too can go to Harvard and be a famous and wonderful
musician like
(A blare of trumpets:)
Yo-Yo Ma.
Bay and The Spectacles of Doom
13
And make your mother very very proud.
BAY. But I don’t want to be a musician and play in an orchestra.
I don’t want to be a musician.
I want to be a professional major league baseball player!
Like my hero,
(Blare of rock music as he points to the poster:)
Ichiro!
MOM. There you go, talking about Ichiro again. I told you, being a
baseball player is not a real job!
BAY. What are you talking about? Ichiro makes millions of dollars a
year!
MOM. (She laughs in disbelief:) Nohhhhh.
BAY. It’s true!
MOM. (Rolling her eyes a little:) Sure, it is. Anyway, what does it
matter? You’re not an athlete, Bay. You’re a musician, just like (She
starts to point to the poster of Yo Yo Ma)—
BAY. (Cutting the music off:) Yeahyeah, I get it.
MOM. And besides, everyone knows: athletes don’t wear glasses.
(MOM leaves. BAY looks at himself in the mirror and sighs.)
ACTOR 3. And so Bay trudged off to school, armed with his flute
and his costume. This birthday wasn’t exactly going the way he’d
hoped.
BAY. So far, the big one-one feels a lot like the same old one-zero.
ACTOR 3. When suddenly:
(RABBIT, an actor wearing bunny ears, runs straight at BAY and
hides behind him.)
BAY. Hey! What the—?
(JOEY ZAMBONI lumbers on. JOEY ZAMBONI is a large, very
Cro-Magnon kind of bully.)
(RABBIT crouches behind BAY, trying to hide from JOEY.)
Julia Cho
14
JOEY. HEY FOUR EYES. YOU SEEN A RABBIT?
BAY. Uh…Sure, Joey.
JOEY. WHERE?
BAY. Well, when I was eight, there was a rabbit at the fair, and oh,
then there was that movie—
(JOEY grabs BAY by the collar.)
JOEY. LISTEN, NERDBUTT. DIDJA SEE A RABBIT HERE OR
DIDJA NOT?
BAY. (In a very small voice:) He went that way.
(BAY points. JOEY runs off in the direction BAY pointed.)
(BAY breathes a sigh of relief.)
You okay?
(RABBIT nods.)
(BAY notices RABBIT is wearing a tag and collar.)
(Reading:) Property of Joey Zamboni.
(RABBIT nods sadly.)
(BAY undoes the collar and tag and throws them away.)
Well, there. You’re free. Have a good life.
(BAY turns and walks towards school.)
(RABBIT follows.)
Shoo.
Go on.
(BAY walks. RABBIT follows.)
Look, no offense, but the last thing I need is a pet, okay? My life is
just really really complicated right now. It’s not you. It’s me.
So…adios.
(BAY walks. RABBIT follows.)
Bay and The Spectacles of Doom
15
Will you go already? I told you, I don’t have time for a measly, pesty, raggedy little—
(RABBIT cocks his head. He doesn’t understand. He rubs his stomach.)
BAY. Oh…you’re hungry? Well. Letsee.
(He gets his bagged lunch out.)
Carrot sticks!
(Rabbit makes a face.)
Uh…Ham sandwich? Twinkie?
(RABBIT lights up, grabs it and stuffs the whole thing into his
mouth. BAY has to snatch his hand back.)
Wow. Guess you were hungry. All right. I’ll be out of school
around three and then I’ll take you home. But you gotta stay
right here until I come back. Okay?
(RABBIT nods.)
Okay.
(BAY walks away from RABBIT, facing him to make sure he doesn’t
start following him.)
(Walking backwards like this, he walks right into JUDY and her
friend, TRUDY.)
JUDY. Hey! Watch it!
(JUDY cracks her gum. She’s nerdy, but not as nerdy as BAY. The
presence of an actual girl makes BAY excruciatingly shy. He can’t
look at her.)
JUDY. Oh, it’s you, Bay. What’s up?
BAY. Uh…uh…
(He finds his voice:) The sky. Duh.
(RABBIT hears this and cringes.)
(BAY turns and walks on, slapping himself on the forehead for saying something so dumb.)
Julia Cho
16
(TRUDY whispers something in JUDY’s ear.)
JUDY. What? Him??? Are you sure????
Fine.
Hey. Bay.
BAY. Yeah?
JUDY. Me and Trudy were wondering: do you have plans for the
talent show?
BAY. (Sarcastically:) Gee, I don’t know, I’ve only been in the talent
show for like the last five years.
JUDY. Cause if you want to, we could use another musician in our
project. It’s top secret. So we can only tell you if you want to join.
But it’s really super, ultra cool.
BAY. Yeah, like if I looked up “cool” in the dictionary, there would
be a picture of you and Trudy.
JUDY. What is with you? You’ve got like a big bug up your butt or
something. Forget we even asked. Come on, Trudy.
(JUDY and TRUDY leave.)
(BAY hits his forehead again.)
BAY. (To RABBIT:) Did you see that?
(RABBIT nods.)
Every time I get near Judy I turn into the biggest jerk in the world.
Why do I do that?
(RABBIT just shrugs.)
I just need a way to impress her. A way to show her the real me.
Maybe Mom’s right…this talent show could be my chance.
(The bell rings.)
Oh, great. Now I’m late!
See you at three!
(BAY runs off. RABBIT thinks about it and then scampers after
BAY.)
Bay and The Spectacles of Doom
17
(The MC appears in a spotlight.)
MC. Welcome to the 2005 Talent Show!
(The sound of no applause makes him stop.)
MC. Ahem.
I said: Welcome to the 2005 Talent Show!
(The other ACTORS should encourage the kids to clap by waving
their arms, clapping, etc. until there’s a decent level of applause and
the MC is appeased.)
Thank you, thank you!
(Very dramatically:) Next up, we have a very special number. We go
now to the hidden swamps of San Diego county. Please put your
hands together for…Bay.
(Spotlight. BAY comes out. He is wearing a frog costume.)
(A recorded track of a song reminiscent of “The Rainbow Connection” plays. BAY plays the flute over it and then starts to sing.)
BAY. Why are there so many
songs about rainbows
And why are they sung by frogs
Rainbows are—
(A piece of fruit hits him.)
(He tries to continue.)
Visions and frogs are amphibians
and like rainbows they’ve nothing to—
(Another piece of fruit. Or maybe it’s an egg.)
(The sound of jeering and laughing.)
(More and more fruit starts to hit BAY. He raises his hand to shield
himself.)
(The laughter gets louder and louder until it’s deafening.)
(BAY runs offstage.)
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(Running music would be nice. Something raucous with a driving
momentum.)
(The school is now gone. BAY appears running fast.)
ACTOR 3. Bay ran and ran until the school was far behind him.
ACTOR 2. He ran until his lungs burned.
ACTOR 1. He ran until he was far from any building, any road.
ACTOR 3. He ran until he hardly knew where he was or who he
was.
And then he ran some more.
(BAY finally falls to his knees, exhausted. He is in a clearing of
trees.)
(He tries to catch his breath.)
(He hears a twig snap.)
BAY. Who’s there?
(RABBIT emerges.)
What are you doing here?
Did you follow me?
(RABBIT nods.)
Come here.
(RABBIT goes up to BAY and puts his head on BAY’s knee. BAY
scratches behind his ears, which RABBIT rather enjoys.)
I don’t get it. Why do kids have to be so mean?
You never see a bunch of animals making fun of another animal,
right? So why do kids do it?
Well. So much for a happy birthday.
(RABBIT’s ears perk up.)
That’s right. Eleven years old. Big deal. No one even remembered.
(BAY sits back with RABBIT. They gaze at the sky. Music begins for
The Ichiro Song.)
It doesn’t matter anyway. Not in the big scheme of things, right?
Bay and The Spectacles of Doom
19
Wow…Lookit those clouds…Bet we look tiny from up there.
Just two little specks in a big big universe. It all seems so mysterious, doesn’t it?
(The music for “Ichiro” starts. BAY sings.)
BAY. Once, my dad took me out to the ballpark
this was way way back when he wasn’t always at work
and I remember feeling this amazing feeling
like I was in the very right place at the very right time
And then he came out—Ichiro
he walked up to the plate—Ichiro
he picked up his bat—Ichiro
the fans were all screaming—Ichiro, Ichiro
Now it’s true that Ichiro’s not the hardest hitter in the game
If you want a homerun then call Barry Bonds and A. Rod’s better paid
But Ichiro’s got something indefinable that no one else has
He’s quick as a rabbit, no he’s quicker, yeah, he’s quicker than that
then he took a deep breath—Ichiro
he swung his bat—Ichiro
he hit a line drive—Ichiro
and the fans were all screaming—Ichiro, Ichiro
And I dream of a day when the fans are screaming for me
Mom and Dad cheering, they’re proud as can be
And I don’t have to be anything I don’t want to be
I can be a hero or a star, but it’s only a dream
It’s only a dream
(The song ends.)
I guess I should just face facts, Rabbit.
(He opens his flute case.)
I’m never going to be a ballplayer.
Mom’s right. Athletes don’t wear glasses.
Musicians do.
(He plays a sad, plaintive but beautiful phrase.)
Julia Cho
20
(Suddenly, The VERY ODD MAN appears, drawn by the music.
However he’s dressed, it should be clear he’s from a completely different world.)
THE VERY ODD MAN. What. In the World. Is THAT?
BAY. I’m sorry—was I too loud?
THE VERY ODD MAN. That sound!
BAY. It’s just a little song I made up.
(The VERY ODD MAN grabs the flute from BAY.)
(RABBIT jumps away and hides.)
(The VERY ODD MAN eyes the flute curiously.)
(He speaks into his wristwatch.)
THE VERY ODD MAN. Fascinating. First subject encountered.
Subject is an oblong object with silver skin that sings!
BAY. Um. Excuse me?
THE VERY ODD MAN. Attempting contact.
(Speaking to the flute:)
HELLO. Helloooooo…
BAY. That’s my flute.
THE VERY ODD MAN. I say.
What do we have here?
(The VERY ODD MAN begins to inspect him from tip to toe.)
What an awkward creature. Fascinating.
(He speaks into the wristwatch:)
What is this one?
(He listens. BAY hears nothing.)
A frog? Really? But I thought they didn’t come in this size. My
goodness. I must have it for the collection.
BAY. I’m not a frog.
Bay and The Spectacles of Doom
21
THE VERY ODD MAN. A frog that speaks!
BAY. NO. I’m not. See?
(He takes off his costume.)
THE VERY ODD MAN. (Disappointed:) Why, you’re just a boy!
You’re not special at all.
BAY. Could I have my flute back?
THE VERY ODD MAN. Your what? Oh, the silver thing! It’ll make
a wonderful addition to my collection.
BAY. But you can’t do that! Give it back!
V.O.M. No.
BAY. Come on! I’m serious!
V.O.M. Or you’ll what?
BAY. Or I’ll—What is that?!
(BAY points.)
V.O.M. What? Where?
(BAY grabs the flute out of the V.O.M.’s hand and runs.)
Huzzah! A chase! How delightful!
You’re not getting away from me!
(Chase music would be good.)
(They run through the aisles. They scoot past the kids and say things
like: Whoops, Excuse Me, Sorry, Comin’ Through!)
(RABBIT appears. His ears stand up on end when he sees BAY is in
danger.)
(He raises his fist and shakes it as he runs after the V.O.M. THE
VERY ODD MAN looks behind him and sees RABBIT.)
A new specimen!
(He stops in his tracks and starts to chase RABBIT. RABBIT
screeches to a halt and reverses.)
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(The VERY ODD MAN chases RABBIT. BAY sees what’s happening.)
BAY. Run, Rabbit! Run!
(BAY starts chasing the VERY ODD MAN.)
(It would be fun to make this chase as elaborate as possible using
doors, wings, etc.)
(Suddenly, The VERY ODD MAN turns.)
V.O.M. AH HA!!!
GOTCHA!!
(He grabs BAY.)
(BAY and the V.O.M. start to struggle.)
BAY. Help! Help!
V.O.M. Hold still—just hold—still!
(The VERY ODD MAN points a small spray bottle at BAY. He
spritzes BAY with some kind of liquid and BAY freezes in his
tracks.)
(The VERY ODD MAN stands up and dusts himself off.)
Wonderful exercise, but I’m afraid I’m getting just a wee bit tired.
Don’t worry. The Mighto-Righto Paralysis Spray will wear off in
about thirty seconds. Or is it thirty years? Can’t remember.
(He strides away from BAY. He looks around for the RABBIT.)
Now where is that odd, four-footed specimen?
(He shrugs.)
Ah well. Next time.
(He grabs the flute from BAY.)
At least I have you.
(He stands in a ready position with flute in hand.)
(To pocketwatch:)
Ready!
Bay and The Spectacles of Doom
23
Set!
Glowwww—
(A blaze of light.)
(The VERY ODD MAN is gone.)
(A moment.)
(BAY unfreezes.)
(He falls to the ground.)
(RABBIT appears and paws at BAY.)
BAY. Oh great! He stole my flute!
Mom’s gonna kill me. This is the worst day of my life.
(RABBIT takes his paw and scratches something on the ground.)
BAY. (Reading:) Hoppy…bird day?
(With realization:) Happy birthday!
(RABBIT opens his paw. In it is a small jar. BAY takes the jar and
reads the label.)
GooGoo Goliatron Cosmic 8th Dimension Jelly Beans.
Where did you get these?
(RABBIT does a bit of charades where he imitates the Very Odd
Man.)
BAY. (With realization:) These belonged to that flute thief!
(Reading:) The Only Jellybeans in The Universe Guaranteed to Enable You to Manipulate The Fabric of Space and Time. Undo The
Mistakes of Your Life or Your Money Back!
(To RABBIT:) I can go back in time and get my flute back!
(Reading:) Warning: Not recommended for beings under the age of
five hundred and thirty eight. Side effects…possible emergence of a
second head and splotchiness. But it’s a very small price to pay for
having the life you’ve always dreamed of, isn’t it?
The life I’ve always dreamed of…
(ICHIRO appears.)
Julia Cho
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ICHIRO. Here’s your chance, Bay!
BAY. Ichiro?
ICHIRO. You can redo the past!
BAY. But what would I redo?
ICHIRO. Think about it. You said it yourself, back at the ballpark
that night, you were happy. And right now you’re not, right? So
what happened?
BAY. Well…
ICHIRO. You got fat, remember?
BAY. I prefer the term “slightly plump”—
ICHIRO. And why did you get “slightly plump?”
BAY. Because…because I stopped playing outside.
ICHIRO. And why did you stop playing?
BAY. The kids. The kids stopped picking me to be on their teams.
ICHIRO. Why did they do that?
BAY. Because they said I was a nerd.
ICHIRO. Why?
BAY. Because…I don’t know…
ICHIRO. Because you got those glasses, that’s why!
BAY. My glasses…?
ICHIRO. Why not just call them what they really are?
The spectacles of doom!
(Sound of thunder and lightning.)
(YO YO MA appears.)
YO YO MA. Not so fast!
ICHIRO.
(Sneeringly:) Yo Yo
BAY.
Yo Yo!
Bay and The Spectacles of Doom
25
YO YO MA. You can’t blame your life and how it turned out on
your glasses!
ICHIRO. Why not?
YO YO MA. Because it’s ridiculous, that’s why!
ICHIRO. Have you seen the boy’s glasses? Have you ever seen a
dorkier, uglier pair of glasses in your life?
BAY. Mom said they looked good on me…
YO YO MA. Don’t listen to him, Bay! You’re fine just the way you
are!
ICHIRO. Fine? Look at your classmates, Bay. The kids who wear
cool clothes are cool. The kids who have cool video games are cool.
Do these glasses make you cool? NO!
YO YO MA. There’s more to life than being cool!
ICHIRO. This is your chance, Bay! Don’t throw it away!
(They ad lib some more: Don’t listen to him! What does a nerd
know? This could be your only chance! etc.)
(BAY tears open the jar.)
(He downs a few jelly beans.)
(BAY chews.)
(Nothing seems to happen for a moment.)
(BAY lets out a huge burp.)
(And then everything goes a little crazy. Music. Lights.)
ACTOR 1. Yes, our hero ate the fateful jellybeans and quickly
found himself hurling through the space-time continuum.
Past, present, future. It was like he was everywhere at once!
(BAY stands in the middle of the stage, his body waving and weaving. Things fly by him, like an actor dressed up like COLUMBUS
wielding a telescope.)
He saw history unfold.
COLUMBUS. I see land! The earth is not flat!
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ACTOR 1. And the future to come.
(An ASTRONAUT floats by.)
ASTRONAUT. We did it! We have landed on Pluto!
ACTOR 1. Eleven dimensions seemed to collapse into one and Bay
was everywhere simultaneously.
Bay even saw small moments…moments from his own family. He
saw his own birth.
(A tableau of his mother and father holding aloft a little baby.)
BAY. Mom! Dad!
ACTOR 1. And he even saw the fateful day when his life
changed…
BAY. There it is! The day I got my glasses!
It’s Mom! And look! There’s me! At the optomotom—optometom—
eye glass store.
(MOTHER and LITTLE BAY appear.)
MOTHER. Oh my, Bay, what a beautiful selection!
(She turns away to look at frames.)
BAY. Psst! Pssst! Bay!
(LITTLE BAY looks up, alarmed.)
LITTLE BAY. Who are you?
BAY. I’m Bay!
LITTLE BAY. I’m Bay!
BAY. I know, but I’m your future self!
LITTLE BAY. My what?
BAY. Your future self!
LITTLE BAY. You mean I turn into a big nerd?!!! Oh great.
BAY. It doesn’t have to be that way! Listen to me: in about five
minutes, Mom’s going to try to make you get these glasses.
Bay and The Spectacles of Doom
27
(He points to his face.)
DON’T LET HER. Pick anything else out, just not these!
Anything else! GOT IT?
LITTLE BAY. That’s it? That’s all you have to say? What else happens? Come back!
BAY. Sorry—Gotta gooooooo—
(Lights go wild.)
(BAY falls in a heap on the ground.)
(He is back in his room.)
(He sits up, rubbing his head.)
BAY. Ow. My head.
Where am I?
Or more importantly: when am I?
(He notices his Ichiro poster is gone.)
Huh. That’s weird. Where’s my Ichiro poster—
(MOTHER enters.)
MOTHER. Bay! Wake up!
Wake up!
It’s going to be a wonderful day!
Look what I have for you!
(She hands him the same box she brought him before.)
Aren’t you going to open it?
BAY. Uh…okay.
(He opens it slowly. But instead of a frog costume, it’s:)
A Game-atron Forty-three thousand!!!! WOW!
MOTHER. Happy birthday, sweetheart.
BAY. My birthday! You remembered!
MOTHER. Of course, I did.
BAY. You’re the best! (He says it without any trace of a lisp.)
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Best…best…Mom!
I don’t have a lisp!
MOTHER. Do you want one?
BAY. NO. But I used to have one!
MOTHER. When you were little. But then you insisted we get you
that speech therapist.
BAY. I did?
MOTHER. Sure, right around the time you got contacts.
BAY. Contacts? I DID??? I DID!!!
(He feels his face and realizes he’s not wearing his glasses.)
MOTHER. Well, you threw such a tantrum when I tried to get you
glasses. Such a shame. I loved those glasses. They made you look
just like Yo Yo Ma.
(There is no blare of trumpets. BAY notices the lack of music.)
Now don’t be late for school.
(She leaves.)
BAY. This is great! No glasses, no lisp and no stupid frog costume!
Sally sells seashells by the sea shore!
Sally sells seashells by the sea shore!
Sally sells seashells by the sea shore!
(It becomes more and more syncopated until it becomes a song:)
Silly Sally sold seashells by the sea
she sold stereos and silly dough
and supersonic TVs
at Seashore Sally’s Snazzy Sea Store
She sold silly string (it’s so silky) and sleepy snails (softly snoring),
satin sheets and scissors
she sold scarlet sea stars and silver stones
and sassafras-scented stickers
she shnooked and schmoozed and schmaltzed and schmieled
she schlepped her stuff to the seashore
Bay and The Spectacles of Doom
29
and she would shout:
It’s sussa sussa SPLENDID!
It’s suh suh STUPENDOUS!
It’s Silly Sally and her Snazzy Sea Store!
It’s Silly Sally and her Snazzy Sea Store
by the seashore
(Song ends. BAY happily slaps his baseball cap on his head and
starts to whistle as he walks off.)
ACTOR 4. And so Bay started off for school, eager to see what his
new life was like.
(JOEY ZAMBONI lumbers on.)
BAY. Hey, Joey, where’s your rabbit?
JOEY. MY WHAT?
BAY. Your rabbit.
JOEY. THE HECK YOU TALKIN ABOUT. I AIN’T GOT NO RABBIT.
(JOEY lumbers off.)
BAY. No rabbit…? That’s weird…
(JUDY and TRUDY walk on.)
(BAY bumps right into them.)
JUDY. Hey! Watch it!
(JUDY cracks her gum.)
Oh, it’s you, Bay. What’s up?
BAY. Uh…uh…
(He pauses and then musters up his newfound confidence.)
(Smoothly:) Nothing. How about you?
JUDY. Same.
See ya.
(She and TRUDY start to walk away.)
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BAY. Wait! Judy! Don’t you want to ask me something?
JUDY. Like what?
BAY. To be in the talent show with you.
(JUDY and TRUDY laugh.)
What’s so funny?
JUDY. Why would we ask you to do that?
BAY. Cause you need another musician!
JUDY. But you don’t play anything.
BAY. Sure I do—the flute.
JUDY. What are you talking about?
BAY. I played it for the last five talent shows.
JUDY. Bay, you’ve never been in the talent show.
(JUDY and TRUDY laugh and leave.)
BAY. No flute…huh.
Well…that’s okay.
But I gotta find Rabbit.
(He runs back over to JOEY ZAMBONI.)
Hey, Joey—about that Rabbit of yours—
JOEY. LISTEN, IT AIN’T MY FAULT.
BAY. What isn’t your fault?
JOEY. THAT STOOPID RABBIT HAD IT COMING.
BAY. Had what coming?
JOEY. WHAT CANYA DO? GRANDMA LIKES HER RABBIT
SOUP.
BAY. RABBIT SOUP!?!
JOEY. YEAH, THIS IS ALL I GOT LEFT.
Bay and The Spectacles of Doom
31
(JOEY holds up a rabbit foot key chain. He drops it in BAY’s hand
and lumbers off. BAY looks at the key chain in stunned disbelief.)
ACTOR 2. Yes, our friend, Bay, found that by the simplest act, he
had completely altered the fabric of reality. There are many science
fiction stories that describe just this phenomenon.
Unfortunately, Bay didn’t read science fiction.
BAY. Will you please SHUT UP?
(ACTOR 2 leaves.)
(BAY is in shock.)
This is all my fault…
He’s the only real friend I have and what do I do…I choose a reality
where he’s soup!
He stood right here…eating that twinkie…I can still see
him…looking up at me with those big soft eyes…
(He cries.)
(His contact falls out.)
SHOOT.
My contact!
(He crawls around the floor looking for his contact and crying.)
(A jar falls out of his pocket.)
(He finds his contact and puts it back in. He looks at the jar.)
The jellybeans! I still have the jellybeans!
Hold on, Rabbit…I’m on my way!
(He shakes a few out.)
(He swallows.)
(He burps.)
(Lights go wild.)
(BAY is back in the middle of the space-time continuum.)
Rabbit! RABBIT!
LINCOLN. Four score and seven years ago…
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BAY. Rabbit! Where are you?
SPACESHIP CAPTAIN. All aboard! Next stop on the intergalactic
express: Andromeda!
BAY. Wait—it’s Ichiro! And his mother?
(ICHIRO’S MOTHER appears. She holds a baseball bat.)
ICHIRO’S MOTHER. Ichiro, Ichiro. Baseball:
(She pitches the baseball bat over her shoulder and makes a sound of
disgust. BAY catches the baseball bat.)
(Tantalizingly:) Medicine. (She holds up a stethoscope.)
(BAY holds out the baseball bat.)
BAY. No! Ichiro! Choose baseball!
(Suddenly, in a different part of the continuum, an OLD WOMAN
runs by chasing RABBIT. She holds a big knife in one hand.)
OLD WOMAN. Comma here you little pest!
(They run off.)
BAY. Rabbit! I gotta save him from Joey’s grandma!
(He looks down at the baseball bat that he’s holding.)
I’m COMING, RABBIT! HOLD ON!!!
(The VERY ODD MAN appears.)
V.O.M. WHAT IS ALL THIS RACKET?
Who let you in here?
BAY. Let me go!
(The V.O.M. rotates Bay upside down.)
Hey!
(The jar of beans fall out of BAY’s pocket. The V.O.M. catches them.)
V.O.M. I knew I was missing a jar!
BAY. Give me back my jellybeans!
Bay and The Spectacles of Doom
33
V.O.M. YOUR jellybeans?! You stole them from me!
(The OLD WOMAN runs by chasing RABBIT again.)
OLD WOMAN. You’ll make a nice ragu!
(They run off. BAY tries to follow but the V.O.M. grips his arm.
They struggle.)
V.O.M. Where do you think you’re going?
BAY. Not now—I gotta go!
V.O.M. Don’t you realize how dangerous it is to meddle with the
past?
BAY. Please! I have to save him!
(The OLD WOMAN catches up to RABBIT.)
OLD WOMAN. I GOT YOU NOW! AH HA!
BAY. Rabbit! NOOOOOOOO—
(Lights shift. Everything goes into slow motion. BAY grabs the jar of
jellybeans from the V.O.M. and hits it with the bat.)
V.O.M. Heyyyy…that’s…miiinnnne…
(We watch the beans soar through the air. We see the ball arc and
come down with a loud crack on the OLD WOMAN’s head.)
OLD WOMAN. Uffffaaaaaahhhh………
(She slowly drops and lands with a thud.)
(Groaning:) Mama mia…
(And everything snaps back into real time. BAY and the V.O.M.
drop out of the space-time continuum in a heap.)
(BAY leaps up.)
BAY. I DID IT! The keychain—it’s gone! That must mean Rabbit’s
okay!
(A very strange sound comes from the V.O.M.)
Uh…Mr. Alien? Are you okay?
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34
(The V.O.M. is crying.)
V.O.M. No, I am not okay!
BAY. What’s wrong?
V.O.M. What do you think? This mission’s been a total failure. I
lose my only jar of GooGoo Goliatron Cosmic Eight Dimension Jellybeans AND on top of it all, I don’t have a single good specimen to
bring back!
(He takes out something and throws it on the ground in disgust.)
V.O.M. Even this—broken! I couldn’t get it to make a sound. You
can have it. It’s broken! What a stupid piece of junk.
(He cries and cries.)
BAY. Don’t cry, please! Look, cheer up. Happy, see?
(He starts to play the flute. He plays a cheerful little melody.)
(The V.O.M. stops crying and looks up.)
V.O.M. That sound…that beautiful sound. It’s not the silver object.
It’s you.
BAY. It’s just music.
V.O.M. Just music!
BAY. It’s not a real talent. It’s not like being good at baseball.
V.O.M. Baseball? You mean that thing you just did? Hitting the
jellybeans like that? (He mimes swinging the bat.)
BAY. Yeah.
V.O.M. You think that is more important than this?
BAY. Well…yeah.
V.O.M. Humans! If I live to be twelve hundred, I’ll never understand you. If I could make a beautiful sound like that…
BAY. But why can’t you?
V.O.M. Because! My dear boy, I don’t have a musical bone in my
body! I am a scientist!
Bay and The Spectacles of Doom
35
BAY. So?
V.O.M. So?! Scientists are men of FACT! Hard, empirical knowledge. We don’t have music or poetry or art. Science and music are
diametrically opposed!
BAY. Who says?
V.O.M. Why, everyone!
BAY. Well, why not just be what you are and stop trying to be what
other people expect you to be?
V.O.M. You mean…be a scientist…and a musician?
It’s so crazy it just might work…
I can be…both!
BAY. You can be both, can’t you?
V.O.M. Both!
BAY. Both!
V.O.M. and BAY. BOTH!
(They throw up their hands, they laugh, they hug, they celebrate.)
(Suddenly, the V.O.M. leaps back.)
V.O.M. Hey, hey, hey! I’m glad you’re all happy now, but let’s not
forget, I still have a problem here! What’m I supposed to bring
back?
BAY. What are these specimens for anyway?
V.O.M. Why only the most amazing, fantastic collection of space
oddities in the known universe.
BAY. Well…how about…I give you the most incredible, most unbelievable specimen ever! The most unusual specimen you’ve ever
seen!
VERY ODD MAN. You? Possess such a specimen? I find that very
hard to believe.
BAY. Believe it.
VERY ODD MAN. Well…what is it?
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36
BAY. Hold out your hand.
(The VERY ODD MAN does. There’s a small “pop”!)
(BAY pops out a contact onto The VERY ODD MAN’s hand.)
V.O.M. My goodness!
How very odd!
What is it?
BAY. It’s, uh—
V.O.M. Wait, don’t tell me!
It’s the universe’s smallest cosmic ray shield!
BAY. That’s exactly it. And there’s two of them.
(He pops out the other contact.)
VERY ODD MAN. I must have them. What do you want in exchange for them?
BAY. I want you to take me back to the very beginning of the day.
Before any of this happened. Can you do it?
VERY ODD MAN. I think so…But are you sure?
BAY. Yeah, this time travel stuff’s too complicated. And I guess my
life isn’t so bad after all. I mean, it’s the one reality where I have
Rabbit and Ichiro. And even my flute.
VERY ODD MAN. But I can’t guarantee everything will be back
the way it was before. Certain effects of time travel may be permanent.
BAY. Well. I’ll take my chances.
VERY ODD MAN. Then it’s a deal.
(They shake. He points his watch at BAY.)
Now hold still. Setting coordinates. Ready, set, glowwww—
(Lights go wild.)
(BAY falls out of the space-time continuum in a heap.)
(He is in his room. It’s morning.)
Bay and The Spectacles of Doom
37
BAY. Ow. My head.
Déjà vu.
(He reaches up to his face.)
My glasses! I never thought I’d be so glad to see you.
Glassssesss…my lisp. It’s still gone!
(He looks up.)
My Ichiro poster! It’s back!
(MOTHER enters.)
MOTHER. Bay! Wake up!
Wake up!
It’s going to be a wonderful day!
And look what I have for you!
(She hands him a box.)
(BAY opens it a little anxiously. He holds his breath—)
(Out comes a large, green piece of fabric.)
Do you like it?
BAY. (Relieved:) It’s perfect.
(He hugs her.)
MOTHER. I’m so glad.
BAY. Only…is it okay if I don’t wear it?
MOTHER. But it matches your song.
BAY. Well…I think it’s going to be a different song.
MOTHER. But trust me, Bay. Everyone will love it.
BAY. Maybe you should just trust me, Mom.
MOTHER. You’re right. After all you’re no longer a baby… (With
realization:) Bay. It’s your birthday, isn’t it?
BAY. Yup.
MOTHER. I can’t believe I almost forgot!
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BAY. Don’t worry. It’s already been the best birthday ever.
(We hear the music of the talent show.)
(Bay’s bedroom disappears.)
(The MC appears.)
MC. Welcome to the 2005 Talent Show!
Now for our first entry. All the way from Mrs. Stewart’s fifth grade
classroom, please welcome MC Starburst and DJ Skittles!
(JUDY and TRUDY appear. JUDY whispers to the MC.)
…And…Bay.
(BAY walks on.)
(There is a complete silence.)
(JUDY looks at BAY.)
(BAY takes a deep breath and starts to play the flute. It’s a slow almost classical phrase.)
(Then underneath it, TRUDY starts to beatbox.)
(She’s really good.)
(The beat takes over. BAY speeds up his flute playing. He starts to
improvise. The effect is very groovy.)
JUDY. Yeah I’m MC Starburst and I’m here to tell ya
I’m rulin’ the schoolyard and schoolin’ all the fellas
who pick on the girls just cause we ain’t your size
pickin’ on Bay just because he’s so wise
So all you bullies better watch what you’re doin’
cause Imma gonna learn you some black belt kung fu’in
I’m rockin’ the school and the microphone
and if you don’t like it you can just go home
Cause I can be a girl AND I can rap
I can be this AND I can be that
BAY. I can be a NERD and I can be a JOCK
I can listen to CLASSICAL and HARD ROCK
Bay and The Spectacles of Doom
39
JUDY. You can be ASIAN and be AMERICAN
Heck, you can be ASIAN and be AFRICAN
Everyone’s lots of things at the same time
The only limits are in your mind
TRUDY. Say what?
ALL. In your mind
You can be
BAY.
YO YO MA.
TRUDY.
and
BAY.
ICHIRO.
JUDY.
You can play
BAY.
baseball
TRUDY.
and
BAY.
the cello
JUDY. You can like FOOTBALL and like to DANCE
You can like SKIRTS (She holds up her skirt) and also like PANTS (She
lifts up the skirt revealing pants.)
TRUDY.
You can be anything you want to be
You can be anything if you just believe
But don’t just listen, here’s what you gotta do
respectin’ other people is the golden rule
everyone’s got a talent, everyone’s a star
don’t let anyone else tell you what you are
This is MC Starbust,
JUDY. DJ Skittles
THIS PLAY IS NOT OVER!
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