The Four Seasons
Spring
V I C T O R I A
H O S P I C E
B E R E A V E M E N T
N E W S L E T T E R
How are you, really?
HELPFUL TIP
While you are grieving there
are many practical tasks
that your friends, family or
neighbours may be able to
help you with. Consider
asking for help with:
• Answering the phone,
• Making and sharing meals,
• Driving and errands,
• Childcare,
• Getting out for exercise
or socializing,
• Garden chores or
household maintenance.
How are you feeling? In the early days and weeks of grieving you may find
yourself wishing that people wouldn’t ask how you are. It seems that
every person you speak with wants to know how you are. Your automatic
response may be simply “I’m fine”. You may be concerned about worrying
others and want to reassure them. You may find it very difficult to talk
about your loss. You may be having a ‘good’ day and not want it to be
broken by the sadness that you have temporarily submerged.
Unfortunately, as the weeks turn into months and years people do stop
asking. People may have decided the time for grief is over and ‘you should
be getting on with your life’.
Maybe you did such a good job of convincing everyone that you are
“OK” or “fine”, that friends and family have withdrawn. Yet this may be the
time when you most need their care and company.
So in the early days of grieving, be mindful about how you refuse the
concern and sympathy of others. Remember these are the people you
may want or need to turn to when the initial numbness, busyness and
chaos of early grief diminish. Try not to make people work too hard to
know how you really are. Be as honest and open as you can when people
ask about your well-being.
When you really feel good say so, but during the other times, the hard
times, when you can hardly muster the will to breathe, let people know.
Remember it feels good to help others and allow people to show you
their love and support. The next time that someone asks how you are,
be honest, even if it means you have say how you really feel. ●
For more info about supporting
a bereaved person go to
http://www.victoriahospice.org/
pdfs/ ThingsRemember.pdf
1952 Bay Street,Victoria, British Columbia V8R 1J8 • www.victoriahospice.org
Bereavement Inquiries: (250) 370-8868 Monday to Friday
BOOK REVIEW
Losing Your Parents,
Finding Your Self.
(2000).Victoria Secunda
This book may be of interest to
people who have had one or both
parents die. Secunda, an author
and lecturer, writes about the
impact of parental death on
identity and relationships:
“When parents die, they take
their histories and explanations for
their sometimes baffling behavior
with them. …It is left to us, the
living, to incorporate these realities
into our identities, to sift through our
parents’ legacies to us, and to chart
a path to the future that is not
hampered by the past. It is left to
us…to fill in the gaps of our
childhood experiences, and to
complete the job of growing up.”
(Page 221. Reprinted with
permission of Buena Vista Books)
In the Springtime of
Your Grief
Spring has fragile beginnings; a tiny shoot of green that emerges from the
cold earth, a hint of pastel against the brownish grass, a bud that awakens
with the morning sun. Each day brings sounds that were not there before.
The breeze carries warmth that invites us to venture outside of ourselves.
Hope emerges for the beginning of a new season; change is in the air.
There begins to be a growing radiance.
The natural unfolding of each season mingles with our grief process,
gently reminding us that the cycle of life continues. The songs of the birds
invite us to join them in a celebration of new life. Optimism for a better
day may awaken us one morning. We may make a decision to value what
we still have, not only what is gone. We will know when we have made
that decision. Something buds; something opens. The harshness of winter
is softened with new life and new growth.
The springtime of grief arrives with no dramatic entrance, no
flashing lights. The stillness of the beauty unfolds and captures our
attention. It is happening around us, but it is also happening in us. ●
Understanding Guilt
Guilt arises from the belief that there must be a reason for everything
that happens. If you have been unable to find reasons for the death
of your loved one, you might blame yourself as this may seem better
than having no explanation. Guilt may also arise from a vulnerable,
self-critical point of view and feelings of helplessness about not being
able to change things. You may have regrets about things done and not
done, or said and not said.
When dealing with guilt, you may find it helpful to:
• Talk to a friend who can help you separate real from groundless
guilt.Where guilt is real, decide what you need to do about it.
• Forgive yourself by identifying which parts of your guilt you can let
go of. Honour your guilt as a teacher of what you believe is right
and wrong, and resolve to learn from this experience. ●
For more info about guilt and other emotions related to grief go to:
http://www.victoriahospice.org/pdfs/UnderstandingEmotions.pdf
1952 Bay Street,Victoria, British Columbia V8R 1J8 • www.victoriahospice.org
Bereavement Inquiries: (250) 370-8868 Monday to Friday