AnIdealHusband
TheScenesofthePlay
Act1
TheOctagonRoominSirRobertChiltern:’shouseinGrosvenorSquare
Act2
Morning-roominSirRobertChiltern:’shouse
Act3
TheLibraryofLordGoring:’shouseinCurzonStreet
Act4
SameasAct2
Time
ThePresent
Place
London
Theactionoftheplayiscompletedwithintwenty-fourhours.
FirstAct
Scene:TheOctagonroomatSirRobertChiltern:’shouseinGrosvenorSquare.
Theroomisbrilliantlylightedandfullofguests[includingtheVicontedeNanjac,
the Duchess of Maryborough, and Mabel Chiltern]. At the top of the staircase
standsLadyChiltern,awomanofgraveGreekbeauty,abouttwenty-sevenyears
of age. She receives the guests as they come up. [Mason: stands in the
background]. Over the well of the staircase hangs a great chandelier with wax
lights, which illumine a large eighteenth- century French tapestry—representing
theTriumphofLove,fromadesignbyBoucher—thatisstretchedonthestaircase
well.Ontherightistheentrancetothemusic-room.Thesoundofastringquartet
is faintly heard. The entrance on the left leads to other reception-rooms. Mrs
Marchmont:andLadyBasildon,twoveryprettywomen,areseatedtogetherona
LouisSeizesofa.Theyaretypesofexquisitefragility.Theiraffectationofmanner
hasadelicatecharm.Watteauwouldhavelovedtopaintthem.
MrsMarchmont:GoingontotheHartlocks’tonight,Olivia?
LadyBasildon:Isupposeso.Areyou?
MrsMarchmont:Yes.Horriblytediouspartiestheygive,don’tthey?
Lady Basildon: Horribly tedious! Never know why I go. Never know why I go
anywhere.
MrsMarchmont:Icomeheretobeeducated.
LadyBasildon:Ah!Ihatebeingeducated!
Mrs Marchmont: So do I. It puts one almost on a level with the commercial
classes,doesn’tit?ButdearGertrudeChilternisalwaystellingmethatIshould
havesomeseriouspurposeinlife.SoIcomeheretotrytofindone.
Lady Basildon: (looking round through her lorgnette) I don’t see anybody here
tonightwhomonecouldpossiblycallaseriouspurpose.Themanwhotookmein
todinnertalkedtomeabouthiswifethewholetime.
MrsMarchmont:Howverytrivialofhim!
LadyBasildon:Terriblytrivial!Whatdidyourmantalkabout?
MrsMarchmont:Aboutmyself.
LadyBasildon:(languidly)Andwereyouinterested?
MrsMarchmont:(shakingherhead)Notinthesmallestdegree.
LadyBasildon:Whatmartyrsweare,dearMargaret!
MrsMarchmont:(rising)Andhowwellitbecomesus,Olivia!
They rise and go towards the music-room. The Vicomte De Nanjac, a young
attachéknownforhisnecktiesandhisAnglomania,approacheswithalowbow,
andentersintoconversation
Mason: (announcing guests from the top of the staircase) Mr and Lady Jane
Barford.LordCaversham.
EnterLordCaversham,anoldgentlemanofseventy,wearingtheribandandstar
oftheGarter.AfineWhigtype.RatherlikeaportraitbyLawrence
Lord Caversham: Good evening, Lady Chiltern! Has my good-for-nothing young
sonbeenhere?
LadyChiltern:(smiling)Idon’tthinkLordGoringhasarrivedyet.
Mabel Chiltern: (coming up to Lord Caversham) Why do you call Lord Goring:
good-for-nothing?
MabelChiltern:isaperfectexampleoftheEnglishtypeofprettiness,theappleblossomtype.Shehasallthefragranceandfreedomofaflower.Thereisripple
after ripple of sunlight in her hair, and the little mouth, with its parted lips, is
expectant,likethemouthofachild.Shehasthefascinatingtyrannyofyouth,and
the astonishing courage of innocence. To sane people she is not reminiscent of
any work of art. But she is really like a Tanagra statuette, and would be rather
annoyedifsheweretoldso
LordCaversham:Becauseheleadssuchanidlelife.
MabelChiltern:Howcanyousaysuchathing?Why,heridesintheRowatten
o’clockinthemorning,goestotheOperathreetimesaweek,changeshisclothes
atleastfivetimesaday,anddinesouteverynightoftheseason.Youdon’tcall
thatleadinganidlelife,doyou?
LordCaversham:(lookingatherwithakindlytwinkleinhiseyes)Youareavery
charmingyounglady!
Mabel Chiltern: How sweet of you to say that, Lord Caversham! Do come to us
moreoften.YouknowwearealwaysathomeonWednesdays,andyoulookso
wellwithyourstar!
Lord Caversham: Never go anywhere now. Sick of London Society. Shouldn’t
mind being introduced to my own tailor; he always votes on the right side. But
object strongly to being sent down to dinner with my wife’s milliner. Never could
standLadyCaversham’sbonnets.
MabelChiltern:Oh,IloveLondonSociety!Ithinkithasimmenselyimproved.Itis
entirelycomposednowofbeautifulidiotsandbrilliantlunatics.JustwhatSociety
shouldbe.
LordCaversham:Hum!WhichisGoring?Beautifulidiot,ortheotherthing?
MabelChiltern:(gravely)IhavebeenobligedforthepresenttoputLordGoring:
intoaclassquitebyhimself.Butheisdevelopingcharmingly!
LordCaversham:Intowhat?
Mabel Chiltern: (with a little curtsey) I hope to let you know very soon, Lord
Caversham!
Mason:(announcingguests)LadyMarkby.MrsCheveley.
EnterLadyMarkby:andMrsCheveley.LadyMarkby:isapleasant,kindly,popular
woman, with grey hair à la marquise and good lace. Mrs Cheveley, who
accompaniesher,istallandratherslight.Lipsverythinandhighly-coloured,aline
ofscarletonapallidface.Venetianredhair,aquilinenose,andlongthroat.Rouge
accentuatesthenaturalpalenessofhercomplexion.Grey-greeneyesthatmove
restlessly.Sheisinheliotrope,withdiamonds.Shelooksratherlikeanorchid,and
makesgreatdemandsonone’scuriosity.Inallhermovementssheisextremely
graceful. A work of art, on the whole, but showing the influence of too many
schools
Lady Markby: Good evening, dear Gertrude! So kind of you to let me bring my
friend,MrsCheveley:Twosuchcharmingwomenshouldknoweachother!
Lady Chiltern: (advances toward Mrs Cheveley: with a sweet smile. Then
suddenlystops,andbowsratherdistantly)IthinkMrsCheveley:andIhavemet
before.Ididnotknowshehadmarriedasecondtime.
Lady Markby: (genially) Ah, nowadays people marry as often as they can, don’t
they? It is most fashionable. (To Duchess of Maryborough) Dear Duchess, and
howistheDuke?Brainstillweak,Isuppose?Well,thatisonlytobeexpected,is
itnot?Hisgoodfatherwasjustthesame.Thereisnothinglikerace,isthere?
Mrs Cheveley: (playing with her fan) But have we really met before, Lady
Chiltern?Ican’trememberwhere.IhavebeenoutofEnglandforsolong.
LadyChiltern:Wewereatschooltogether,MrsCheveley.
MrsCheveley:(superciliously)Indeed?Ihaveforgottenallaboutmyschooldays.I
haveavagueimpressionthattheyweredetestable.
LadyChiltern:(coldly)Iamnotsurprised!
MrsCheveley:(inhersweetestmanner)Doyouknow,Iamquitelookingforward
tomeetingyourcleverhusband,LadyChiltern.SincehehasbeenattheForeign
Office, he has been so much talked of in Vienna. They actually succeed in
spellinghisnamerightinthenewspapers.Thatinitselfisfame,onthecontinent.
LadyChiltern:Ihardlythinktherewillbemuchincommonbetweenyouandmy
husband,MrsCheveley!
Movesaway
VicomtedeNanjac:Ah!chèreMadame,quellesurprise!Ihavenotseenyousince
Berlin!
MrsCheveley:NotsinceBerlin,Vicomte.Fiveyearsago!
VicomtedeNanjac:Andyouareyoungerandmorebeautifulthanever.Howdo
youmanageit?
Mrs Cheveley: By making it a rule only to talk to perfectly charming people like
yourself.
VicomtedeNanjac:Ah!Youflatterme.Youbutterme,astheysayhere.
MrsCheveley:Dotheysaythathere?Howdreadfulofthem!
Vicomte de Nanjac: Yes, they have a wonderful language. It should be more
widelyknown.
SirRobertChiltern:enters.Amanofforty,butlookingsomewhatyounger.Cleanshaven, with finely- cut features, dark-haired and dark-eyed. A personality of
mark.Notpopular—fewpersonalitiesare.Butintenselyadmiredbythefew,and
deeply respected by the many. The note of his manner is that of perfect
distinction, with a slight touch of pride. One feels that he is conscious of the
successhehasmadeinlife.Anervoustemperament,withatiredlook.Thefirmlychiselled mouth and chin contrast strikingly with the romantic expression in the
deep-set eyes. The variance is suggestive of an almost complete separation of
passion and intellect, as though thought and emotion were each isolated in its
own sphere through some violence of will-power. There is nervousness in the
nostrils, and in the pale, thin, pointed hands. It would be inaccurate to call him
picturesque. Picturesqueness cannot survive the House of Commons. But
Vandyckwouldhavelikedtohavepaintedhishead
Sir Robert Chiltern: Good evening, Lady Markby! I hope you have brought Sir
Johnwithyou?
LadyMarkby:Oh!IhavebroughtamuchmorecharmingpersonthanSirJohn.Sir
John’s temper since he has taken seriously to politics has become quite
unbearable.Really,nowthattheHouseofCommonsistryingtobecomeuseful,it
doesagreatdealofharm.
SirRobertChiltern:Ihopenot,LadyMarkby.Atanyratewedoourbesttowaste
the public time, don’t we? But who is this charming person you have been kind
enoughtobringtous?
Lady Markby: Her name is Mrs Cheveley. One of the Dorsetshire Cheveleys, I
suppose.ButIreallydon’tknow.Familiesaresomixednowadays.Indeed,asa
rule,everybodyturnsouttobesomebodyelse.
SirRobertChiltern:MrsCheveley?Iseemtoknowthename.
LadyMarkby:ShehasjustarrivedfromVienna.
SirRobertChiltern:Ah!Yes.IthinkIknowwhomyoumean.
Lady Markby: Oh! She goes everywhere there, and has such pleasant scandals
aboutallherfriends.IreallymustgotoViennanextwinter.Ihopethereisagood
chefattheEmbassy.
Sir Robert Chiltern: If there is not, the Ambassador will certainly have to be
recalled.PraypointoutMrsCheveley:tome.Ishouldliketoseeher.
Lady Markby: Let me introduce you. (To Mrs Cheveley) My dear, Sir Robert
Chiltern:isdyingtoknowyou!
Sir Robert Chiltern: (bowing) Every one is dying to know the brilliant Mrs
Cheveley.OurattachésatViennawritetousaboutnothingelse.
Mrs Cheveley: Thank you, Sir Robert. An acquaintance that begins with a
complimentissuretodevelopintoarealfriendship.Itstartsintherightmanner.
AndIfindthatIknowLadyChiltern:already.
SirRobertChiltern:Really?
MrsCheveley:Yes.Shehasjustremindedmethatwewereatschooltogether.I
remember it perfectly now. She always got the good conduct prize. I have a
distinctrecollectionofLadyChiltern:alwaysgettingthegoodconductprize!
SirRobertChiltern:(smiling)Andwhatprizesdidyouget,MrsCheveley?
Mrs Cheveley: My prizes came a little later on in life. I don’t think any of them
wereforgoodconduct.Iforget!
SirRobertChiltern:Iamsuretheywereforsomethingcharming!
MrsCheveley:Idon’tknowthatwomenarealwaysrewardedforbeingcharming.I
thinktheyareusuallypunishedforit!Certainly,morewomengrowoldnowadays
throughthefaithfulnessoftheiradmirersthanthroughanythingelse!Atleastthat
istheonlywayIcanaccountfortheterriblyhaggardlookofmostofyourpretty
womeninLondon!
Sir Robert Chiltern: What an appalling philosophy that sounds! To attempt to
classifyyou,MrsCheveley,wouldbeanimpertinence.ButmayIask,atheart,are
you an optimist or a pessimist? Those seem to be the only two fashionable
religionslefttousnowadays.
MrsCheveley:Oh,I’mneither.Optimismbeginsinabroadgrin,andPessimism
endswithbluespectacles.Besides,theyarebothofthemmerelyposes.
SirRobertChiltern:Youprefertobenatural?
MrsCheveley:Sometimes.Butitissuchaverydifficultposetokeepup.
Sir Robert Chiltern: What would those modern psychological novelists, of whom
wehearsomuch,saytosuchatheoryasthat?
Mrs Cheveley: Ah! the strength of women comes from the fact that psychology
cannotexplainus.Mencanbeanalysed,women…merelyadored.
SirRobertChiltern:Youthinksciencecannotgrapplewiththeproblemofwomen?
MrsCheveley:Sciencecannevergrapplewiththeirrational.Thatiswhyithasno
futurebeforeit,inthisworld.
SirRobertChiltern:Andwomenrepresenttheirrational.
MrsCheveley:Well-dressedwomendo.
SirRobertChiltern:(withapolitebow)IfearIcouldhardlyagreewithyouthere.
Butdositdown.Andnowtellme,whatmakesyouleaveyourbrilliantViennafor
ourgloomyLondon—orperhapsthequestionisindiscreet?
MrsCheveley:Questionsareneverindiscreet.Answerssometimesare.
SirRobertChiltern:Well,atanyrate,mayIknowifitispoliticsorpleasure?
Mrs Cheveley: Politics are my only pleasure. You see nowadays it is not
fashionabletoflirttilloneisforty,ortoberomantictilloneisforty-five,sowepoor
womenwhoareunderthirty,orsayweare,havenothingopentousbutpoliticsor
philanthropy.Andphilanthropyseemstometohavebecomesimplytherefugeof
peoplewhowishtoannoytheirfellow-creatures.Ipreferpolitics.Ithinktheyare
more…becoming!
SirRobertChiltern:Apoliticallifeisanoblecareer!
Mrs Cheveley: Sometimes. And sometimes it is a clever game, Sir Robert. And
sometimesitisagreatnuisance.
SirRobertChiltern:Whichdoyoufindit?
MrsCheveley:I?Acombinationofallthree.(Dropsherfan)
SirRobertChiltern:(picksupfan)Allowme!
MrsCheveley:Thanks.
SirRobertChiltern:ButyouhavenottoldmeyetwhatmakesyouhonourLondon
sosuddenly.Ourseasonisalmostover.
Mrs Cheveley: Oh! I don’t care about the London season! It is too matrimonial.
People are either hunting for husbands, or hiding from them. I wanted to meet
you.Itisquitetrue.Youknowwhatawoman’scuriosityis.Almostasgreatasa
man’s! I wanted immensely to meet you, and… to ask you to do something for
me.
Sir Robert Chiltern: I hope it is not a little thing, Mrs Cheveley. I find that little
thingsaresoverydifficulttodo.
MrsCheveley:(afteramoment’sreflection)No,Idon’tthinkitisquitealittlething.
SirRobertChiltern:Iamsoglad.Dotellmewhatitis.
Mrs Cheveley:: Later on. (Rises) And now may I walk through your beautiful
house?Ihearyourpicturesarecharming.PoorBaronArnheim—youremember
theBaron?—usedtotellmeyouhadsomewonderfulCorots.
Sir Robert Chiltern: (with an almost imperceptible start) Did you know Baron
Arnheimwell?
MrsCheveley:(smiling)Intimately.Didyou?
SirRobertChiltern:Atonetime.
MrsCheveley:Wonderfulman,wasn’the?
[Apause]
SirRobertChiltern:Hewasveryremarkable,inmanyways.
MrsCheveley:Ioftenthinkitsuchapityheneverwrotehismemoirs.Theywould
havebeenmostinteresting.
SirRobertChiltern:Yes:heknewmenandcitieswell,liketheoldGreek.
MrsCheveley:WithoutthedreadfuldisadvantageofhavingaPenelopewaitingat
homeforhim.
Mason:LordGoring.
Enter Lord Goring. Thirty-four, but always says he is younger. A well-bred,
expressionlessface.Heisclever,butwouldnotliketobethoughtso.Aflawless
dandy, he would be annoyed if he were considered romantic. He plays with life,
andisonperfectlygoodtermswiththeworld.Heisfondofbeingmisunderstood.
Itgiveshimapostofvantage.
Sir Robert Chiltern: Good evening, my dear Arthur! Mrs Cheveley, allow me to
introducetoyouLordGoring,theidlestmaninLondon.
MrsCheveley:IhavemetLordGoring:before.
LordGoring:(bowing)Ididnotthinkyouwouldrememberme,MrsCheveley.
Mrs Cheveley: My memory is under admirable control. And are you still a
bachelor?
LordGoring:I…believeso.
MrsCheveley:Howveryromantic!
LordGoring:Oh!Iamnotatallromantic.Iamnotoldenough.Ileaveromanceto
myseniors.
SirRobertChiltern:LordGoring:istheresultofBoodle’sClub,MrsCheveley.
MrsCheveley:Hereflectseverycreditontheinstitution.
LordGoring:MayIaskareyoustayinginLondonlong?
Mrs Cheveley: That depends partly on the weather, partly on the cooking, and
partlyonSirRobert.
SirRobertChiltern:YouarenotgoingtoplungeusintoaEuropeanwar,Ihope?
MrsCheveley:Thereisnodanger,atpresent!
ShenodstoLordGoring,withalookofamusementinhereyes,andgoesoutwith
SirRobertChiltern:LordGoring:sauntersovertoMabelChiltern:
MabelChiltern:Youareverylate!
LordGoring:Haveyoumissedme?
MabelChiltern:Awfully!
LordGoring:ThenIamsorryIdidnotstayawaylonger.Ilikebeingmissed.
MabelChiltern:Howveryselfishofyou!
LordGoring:Iamveryselfish.
MabelChiltern:Youarealwaystellingmeofyourbadqualities,LordGoring.
LordGoring:Ihaveonlytoldyouhalfofthemasyet,MissMabel!
MabelChiltern:Aretheothersverybad?
LordGoring:Quitedreadful!WhenIthinkofthematnightIgotosleepatonce.
MabelChiltern:Well,Idelightinyourbadqualities.Iwouldn’thaveyoupartwith
oneofthem.
Lord Goring: How very nice of you! But then you are always nice. By the way, I
wanttoaskyouaquestion,MissMabel.WhobroughtMrsCheveley:here?That
womaninheliotrope,whohasjustgoneoutoftheroomwithyourbrother?
MabelChiltern:Oh,IthinkLadyMarkby:broughther.Whydoyouask?
LordGoring:Ihadn’tseenherforyears,thatisall.
MabelChiltern:Whatanabsurdreason!
LordGoring:Allreasonsareabsurd.
MabelChiltern:Whatsortofawomanisshe?
LordGoring:Oh!ageniusinthedaytimeandabeautyatnight!
MabelChiltern:Idislikeheralready.
LordGoring:Thatshowsyouradmirablegoodtaste.
Vicomte de Nanjac: (approaching) Ah, the English young lady is the dragon of
goodtaste,isshenot?Quitethedragonofgoodtaste.
LordGoring:Sothenewspapersarealwaystellingus.
VicomtedeNanjac:IreadallyourEnglishnewspapers,Ifindthemsoamusing.
LordGoring:Then,mydearNanjac,youmustcertainlyreadbetweenthelines.
VicomtedeNanjac:Ishouldliketo,butmyprofessorobjects.(ToMabelChiltern)
MayIhavethepleasureofescortingyoutothemusic-room,Mademoiselle?
Mabel Chiltern: (looking very disappointed) Delighted, Vicomte, quite delighted!
(TurningtoLordGoring)Aren’tyoucomingtothemusic-room?
LordGoring:Notifthereisanymusicgoingon,MissMabel.
MabelChiltern:(severely)ThemusicisinGerman.Youwouldnotunderstandit.
GoesoutwiththeVicomtedeNanjac.LordCaversham:comesuptohisson
LordCaversham:Well,sir!whatareyoudoinghere?Wastingyourlifeasusual!
Youshouldbeinbed,sir.Youkeeptoolatehours!Iheardofyoutheothernightat
LadyRufford’sdancingtillfouro’clockinthemorning!
LordGoring:Onlyaquartertofour,father.
Lord Caversham: Can’t make out how you stand London Society. The thing has
gonetothedogs,alotofdamnednobodiestalkingaboutnothing.
LordGoring:Ilovetalkingaboutnothing,father.ItistheonlythingIknowanything
about.
LordCaversham:Youseemtometobelivingentirelyforpleasure.
LordGoring:Whatelseistheretolivefor,father?Nothingageslikehappiness.
LordCaversham:Youareheartless,sir,veryheartless!
LordGoring:Ihopenot,father.Goodevening,LadyBasildon!
Lady Basildon: (arching two pretty eyebrows) Are you here? I had no idea you
evercametopoliticalparties!
Lord Goring: I adore political parties. They are the only place left to us where
peopledon’ttalkpolitics.
LadyBasildon:Idelightintalkingpolitics.Italkthemalldaylong.ButIcan’tbear
listeningtothem.Idon’tknowhowtheunfortunatemenintheHousestandthese
longdebates.
LordGoring:Byneverlistening.
LadyBasildon:Really?
Lord Goring: (in his most serious manner) Of course. You see, it is a very
dangerous thing to listen. If one listens one may be convinced; and a man who
allows himself to be convinced by an argument is a thoroughly unreasonable
person.
Lady Basildon: Ah! that accounts for so much in men that I have never
understood,andsomuchinwomenthattheirhusbandsneverappreciateinthem!
MrsMarchmont:(withasigh)Ourhusbandsneverappreciateanythinginus.We
havetogotoothersforthat!
LadyBasildon:(emphatically)Yes,alwaystoothers,havewenot?
LordGoring:(smiling)Andthosearetheviewsofthetwoladieswhoareknownto
havethemostadmirablehusbandsinLondon.
Mrs Marchmont: That is exactly what we can’t stand. My Reginald is quite
hopelessly faultless. He is really unendurably so, at times! There is not the
smallestelementofexcitementinknowinghim.
LordGoring:Howterrible!Really,thethingshouldbemorewidelyknown!
Lady Basildon: Basildon is quite as bad; he is as domestic as if he was a
bachelor.
Mrs Marchmont: (pressing Lady Basildon:’s hand) My poor Olivia! We have
marriedperfecthusbands,andwearewellpunishedforit.
LordGoring:Ishouldhavethoughtitwasthehusbandswhowerepunished.
MrsMarchmont:(drawingherselfup)Ohdear,no!Theyareashappyaspossible!
Andasfortrustingus,itistragichowmuchtheytrustus.
LadyBasildon:Perfectlytragic!
LordGoring:Orcomic,LadyBasildon?
Lady Basildon: Certainly not comic, Lord Goring. How unkind of you to suggest
suchathing!
MrsMarchmont:IamafraidLordGoring:isinthecampoftheenemy,asusual.I
sawhimtalkingtothatMrsCheveley:whenhecamein.
LordGoring:Handsomewoman,MrsCheveley!
Lady Basildon: (stiffly) Please don’t praise other women in our presence. You
mightwaitforustodothat!
LordGoring:Ididwait.
MrsMarchmont:Well,wearenotgoingtopraiseher.IhearshewenttotheOpera
onMondaynight,andtoldTommyRuffordatsupperthat,asfarasshecouldsee,
LondonSocietywasentirelymadeupofdowdiesanddandies.
LordGoring:Sheisquiteright,too.Themenarealldowdiesandthewomenare
alldandies,aren’tthey?
[Apause]
MrsMarchmont:Oh!doyoureallythinkthatiswhatMrsCheveley:meant?
LordGoring:Ofcourse.AndaverysensibleremarkforMrsCheveley:tomake,
too.
EnterMabelChiltern.Shejoinsthegroup
Mabel Chiltern: Why are you talking about Mrs Cheveley? Everybody is talking
aboutMrsCheveley!LordGoringsays—whatdidyousay,LordGoring,aboutMrs
Cheveley?Oh!Iremember,thatshewasageniusinthedaytimeandabeautyat
night.
LadyBasildon:Whatahorridcombination!Soveryunnatural!
Mrs Marchmont: (in her most dreamy manner) I like looking at geniuses, and
listeningtobeautifulpeople.
LordGoring:Ah!thatismorbidofyou,MrsMarchmont!
MrsMarchmont:(brighteningtoalookofrealpleasure)Iamsogladtohearyou
saythat.MarchmontandIhavebeenmarriedforsevenyears,andhehasnever
oncetoldmethatIwasmorbid.Menaresopainfullyunobservant!
LadyBasildon:(turningtoher)Ihavealwayssaid,dearMargaret,thatyouwere
themostmorbidpersoninLondon.
MrsMarchmont:Ah!butyouarealwayssympathetic,Olivia!
Mabel Chiltern: Is it morbid to have a desire for food? I have a great desire for
food.LordGoring:willyougivemesomesupper?
LordGoring:Withpleasure,MissMabel.
Movesawaywithher
Mabel Chiltern: How horrid you have been! You have never talked to me the
wholeevening!
LordGoring:HowcouldI?Youwentawaywiththechild-diplomatist.
MabelChiltern:Youmighthavefollowedus.Pursuitwouldhavebeenonlypolite.I
don’tthinkIlikeyouatallthisevening!
LordGoring:Ilikeyouimmensely.
MabelChiltern:Well,Iwishyou’dshowitinamoremarkedway!
Theygodownstairs
Mrs Marchmont: Olivia, I have a curious feeling of absolute faintness. I think I
shouldlikesomesupperverymuch.IknowIshouldlikesomesupper.
LadyBasildon:Iampositivelydyingforsupper,Margaret!
MrsMarchmont:Menaresohorriblyselfish,theyneverthinkofthesethings.
LadyBasildon:Menaregrosslymaterial,grosslymaterial!
TheVicomtedeNanjac:entersfromthemusic-roomwith[MrMontfordand]some
other guests. After having carefully examined all the people present, he
approachesLadyBasildon:
Vicomte de Nanjac: May I have the honour of taking you down to supper,
Comtesse?
LadyBasildon:(coldly)Inevertakesupper,thankyou,Vicomte.(TheVicomteis
abouttoretire.LadyBasildon:seeingthis,risesatonceandtakeshisarm)ButI
willcomedownwithyouwithpleasure.
VicomtedeNanjac:Iamsofondofeating!IamveryEnglishinallmytastes.
LadyBasildon:YoulookquiteEnglish,Vicomte,quiteEnglish.
Theypassout.MrMontford,aperfectlygroomedyoungdandy,approachesMrs
Marchmont:
MrMontfordLikesomesupper,MrsMarchmont?
MrsMarchmont:(languidly)Thankyou,MrMontford,Inevertouchsupper.(Rises
hastilyandtakeshisarm)ButIwillsitbesideyou,andwatchyou.
MrMontfordIdon’tknowthatIlikebeingwatchedwhenIameating!
MrsMarchmont:ThenIwillwatchsomeoneelse.
MrMontfordIdon’tknowthatIshouldlikethateither.
MrsMarchmont:(severely)Pray,MrMontford,donotmakethesepainfulscenes
ofjealousyinpublic!
They go downstairs with the other guests, passing Sir Robert Chiltern: and Mrs
Cheveley,whonowenter
Sir Robert Chiltern: And are you going to any of our country houses before you
leaveEngland,MrsCheveley?
MrsCheveley:Oh,no!Ican’tstandyourEnglishhouse-parties.InEnglandpeople
actuallytrytobebrilliantatbreakfast.Thatissodreadfulofthem!Onlydullpeople
are brilliant at breakfast. And then the family skeleton is always reading family
prayers.MystayinEnglandreallydependsonyou,SirRobert.(Sitsdownonthe
sofa)
SirRobertChiltern:(takingaseatbesideher)Seriously?
Mrs Cheveley: Quite seriously. I want to talk to you about a great political and
financialscheme,aboutthisArgentineCanalCompany,infact.
Sir Robert Chiltern: What a tedious, practical subject for you to talk about, Mrs
Cheveley!
MrsCheveley:Oh,Iliketedious,practicalsubjects.WhatIdon’tlikearetedious,
practicalpeople.Thereisawidedifference.Besides,youareinterested,Iknow,in
International Canal schemes. You were Lord Radley’s secretary, weren’t you,
whentheGovernmentboughttheSuezCanalshares?
Sir Robert Chiltern: Yes. But the Suez Canal was a very great and splendid
undertaking. It gave us our direct route to India. It had imperial value. It was
necessarythatweshouldhavecontrol.ThisArgentineschemeisacommonplace
StockExchangeswindle.
MrsCheveley:Aspeculation,SirRobert!Abrilliant,daringspeculation.
SirRobertChiltern:Believeme,MrsCheveley,itisaswindle.Letuscallthingsby
theirpropernames.Itmakesmatterssimpler.Wehavealltheinformationaboutit
attheForeignOffice.Infact,IsentoutaspecialCommissiontoinquireintothe
matterprivately,andtheyreportthattheworksarehardlybegun,andasforthe
money already subscribed, no one seems to know what has become of it. The
wholethingisasecondPanama,andwithnotaquarterofthechanceofsuccess
that miserable affair ever had. I hope you have not invested in it. I am sure you
arefartooclevertohavedonethat.
MrsCheveley:Ihaveinvestedverylargelyinit.
SirRobertChiltern:Whocouldhaveadvisedyoutodosuchafoolishthing?
MrsCheveley:Youroldfriend—andmine.
SirRobertChiltern:Who?
MrsCheveley:BaronArnheim.
Sir Robert Chiltern: (frowning) Ah! yes. I remember hearing, at the time of his
death,thathehadbeenmixedupinthewholeaffair.
MrsCheveley:Itwashislastromance.Hislastbutone,todohimjustice.
SirRobertChiltern:(rising)ButyouhavenotseenmyCorotsyet.Theyareinthe
music-room.Corotsseemtogowithmusic,don’tthey?MayIshowthemtoyou?
MrsCheveley:(shakingherhead)Iamnotinamoodtonightforsilvertwilights,or
rose-pinkdawns.Iwanttotalkbusiness.
(Motionstohimwithherfantositdownagainbesideher)
SirRobertChiltern:IfearIhavenoadvicetogiveyou,MrsCheveley,exceptto
interestyourselfinsomethinglessdangerous.ThesuccessoftheCanaldepends,
of course, on the attitude of England, and I am going to lay the report of the
CommissionersbeforetheHousetomorrownight.
Mrs Cheveley: That you must not do. In your own interests, Sir Robert, to say
nothingofmine,youmustnotdothat.
SirRobertChiltern:(lookingatherinwonder)Inmyowninterests?MydearMrs
Cheveley,whatdoyoumean?(Sitsdownbesideher)
MrsCheveley:SirRobert,Iwillbequitefrankwithyou.Iwantyoutowithdrawthe
reportthatyouhadintendedtolaybeforetheHouse,onthegroundthatyouhave
reasonstobelievethattheCommissionershavebeenprejudicedormisinformed,
or something. Then I want you to say a few words to the effect that the
Government is going to reconsider the question, and that you have reason to
believethattheCanal,ifcompleted,willbeofgreatinternationalvalue.Youknow
thesortofthingsministerssayincasesofthiskind.Afewordinaryplatitudeswill
do.Inmodernlifenothingproducessuchaneffectasagoodplatitude.Itmakes
thewholeworldkin.Willyoudothatforme?
Sir Robert Chiltern: Mrs Cheveley, you cannot be serious in making me such a
proposition!
MrsCheveley:Iamquiteserious.
SirRobertChiltern:(coldly)Prayallowmetobelievethatyouarenot!
MrsCheveley:(speakingwithgreatdeliberationandemphasis)Ah!butIam.And
ifyoudowhatIaskyou,I…willpayyouveryhandsomely!
SirRobertChiltern:Payme!
MrsCheveley:Yes.
SirRobertChiltern:IamafraidIdon’tquiteunderstandwhatyoumean.
Mrs Cheveley: (leaning back on the sofa and looking at him) How very
disappointing!AndIhavecomeallthewayfromViennainorderthatyoushould
thoroughlyunderstandme.
SirRobertChiltern:IfearIdon’t.
Mrs Cheveley: (in her most nonchalant manner) My dear Sir Robert, you are a
manoftheworld,andyouhaveyourprice,Isuppose.Everybodyhasnowadays.
The drawback is that most people are so dreadfully expensive. I know I am. I
hopeyouwillbemorereasonableinyourterms.
SirRobertChiltern:(risesindignantly)Ifyouwillallowme,Iwillcallyourcarriage
foryou.Youhavelivedsolongabroad,MrsCheveley,thatyouseemtobeunable
torealizethatyouaretalkingtoanEnglishgentleman.
MrsCheveley:(detainshimbytouchinghisarmwithherfan,andkeepingitthere
whilesheistalking)IrealizethatIamtalkingtoamanwholaidthefoundationof
hisfortunebysellingtoaStockExchangespeculatoraCabinetsecret.
SirRobertChiltern:(bitinghislip)Whatdoyoumean?
Mrs Cheveley: (rising and facing him) I mean that I know the real origin of your
wealthandyourcareer,andIhavegotyourletter,too.
SirRobertChiltern:Whatletter?
MrsCheveley:(contemptuously)TheletteryouwrotetoBaronArnheim,whenyou
were Lord Radley’s secretary, telling the Baron to buy Suez Canal shares—a
letterwrittenthreedaysbeforetheGovernmentannounceditsownpurchase.
SirRobertChiltern:(hoarsely)Itisnottrue.
MrsCheveley:Youthoughtthatletterhadbeendestroyed.Howfoolishofyou!Itis
inmypossession.
Sir Robert Chiltern: The affair to which you allude was no more than a
speculation. The House of Commons had not yet passed the bill; it might have
beenrejected.
Mrs Cheveley: It was a swindle, Sir Robert. Let us call things by their proper
names. It makes everything simpler. And now I am going to sell you that letter,
andthepriceIaskforitisyourpublicsupportoftheArgentinescheme.Youmade
yourownfortuneoutofonecanal.Youmusthelpmeandmyfriendstomakeour
fortunesoutofanother!
SirRobertChiltern:Itisinfamous,whatyoupropose—infamous!
MrsCheveley:Oh,no!Thisisthegameoflifeasweallhavetoplayit,SirRobert,
soonerorlater!
SirRobertChiltern:Icannotdowhatyouaskme.
MrsCheveley:Youmeanyoucannothelpdoingit.Youknowyouarestandingon
theedgeofaprecipice.Anditisnotforyoutomaketerms.Itisforyoutoaccept
them.Supposingyourefuse—
SirRobertChiltern:Whatthen?
Mrs Cheveley: My dear Sir Robert, what then? You are ruined, that is all!
Remember to what a point your Puritanism in England has brought you. In old
daysnobodypretendedtobeabitbetterthanhisneighbours.Infact,tobeabit
betterthanone’sneighbourwasconsideredexcessivelyvulgarandmiddleclass.
Nowadays, with our modern mania for morality, everyone has to pose as a
paragon of purity, incorruptibility, and all the other seven deadly virtues— and
whatistheresult?Youallgooverlikeninepins—oneaftertheother.Notayear
passesinEnglandwithoutsomebodydisappearing.Scandalsusedtolendcharm,
or at least interest, to a man—now they crush him. And yours is a very nasty
scandal.Youcouldn’tsurviveit.Ifitwereknownthatasayoungman,secretaryto
a great and important minister, you sold a Cabinet secret for a large sum of
money, and that that was the origin of your wealth and career, you would be
hounded out of public life, you would disappear completely. And after all, Sir
Robert,whyshouldyousacrificeyourentirefutureratherthandealdiplomatically
with your enemy? For the moment I am your enemy. I admit it! And I am much
stronger than you are. The big battalions are on my side. You have a splendid
position,butitisyoursplendidpositionthatmakesyousovulnerable.Youcan’t
defendit!AndIaminattack.OfcourseIhavenottalkedmoralitytoyou.Youmust
admit in fairness that I have spared you that. Years ago you did a clever,
unscrupulousthing;itturnedoutagreatsuccess.Youowetoityourfortuneand
position.Andnowyouhavegottopayforit.Soonerorlaterweallhavetopayfor
what we do. You have to pay now. Before I leave you tonight, you have got to
promisemetosuppressyourreport,andtospeakintheHouseinfavourofthis
scheme.
SirRobertChiltern:Whatyouaskisimpossible.
MrsCheveley:Youmustmakeitpossible.Youaregoingtomakeitpossible.Sir
Robert, you know what your English newspapers are like. Suppose that when I
leave this house I drive down to some newspaper office, and give them this
scandalandtheproofsofit!Thinkoftheirloathsomejoy,ofthedelighttheywould
haveindraggingyoudown,ofthemudandmiretheywouldplungeyouin.Think
of the hypocrite with his greasy smile penning his leading article, and arranging
thefoulnessofthepublicplacard.
SirRobertChiltern:Stop!Youwantmetowithdrawthereportandtomakeashort
speechstatingthatIbelievetherearepossibilitiesinthescheme?
MrsCheveley:(sittingdownonthesofa)Thosearemyterms.
SirRobertChiltern:(inalowvoice)Iwillgiveyouanysumofmoneyyouwant.
MrsCheveley:Evenyouarenotrichenough,SirRobert,tobuybackyourpast.
Nomanis.
SirRobertChiltern:Iwillnotdowhatyouaskme.Iwillnot.
MrsCheveley:Youhaveto.Ifyoudon’t…(Risesfromthesofa)
Sir Robert Chiltern: (bewildered and unnerved) Wait a moment! What did you
propose?Yousaidthatyouwouldgivemebackmyletter,didn’tyou?
MrsCheveley:Yes.Thatisagreed.IwillbeintheLadies’Gallerytomorrownight
athalf-pasteleven.Ifbythattime—andyouwillhavehadheapsofopportunity—
youhavemadeanannouncementtotheHouseinthetermsIwish,Ishallhand
youbackyourletterwiththeprettiestthanks,andthebest,oratanyratethemost
suitable, compliment I can think of. I intend to play quite fairly with you. One
shouldalwaysplayfairly…whenonehasthewinningcards.TheBarontaughtme
that…amongstotherthings.
SirRobertChiltern:Youmustletmehavetimetoconsideryourproposal.
MrsCheveley:No;youmustsettlenow!
SirRobertChiltern:Givemeaweek—threedays!
MrsCheveley:Impossible!IhavegottotelegraphtoViennatonight.
SirRobertChiltern:MyGod!whatbroughtyouintomylife?
MrsCheveley:Circumstances.
Movestowardsthedoor
Sir Robert Chiltern: Don’t go. I consent. The report shall be withdrawn. I will
arrangeforaquestiontobeputtomeonthesubject.
Mrs Cheveley: Thank you. I knew we should come to an amicable agreement. I
understood your nature from the first. I analysed you, though you did not adore
me.Andnowyoucangetmycarriageforme,SirRobert.Iseethepeoplecoming
upfromsupper,andEnglishmenalwaysgetromanticafterameal,andthatbores
medreadfully.
ExitSirRobertChiltern.EnterLadyChiltern,LadyMarkby,LordCaversham,Lady
Basildon,MrsMarchmont,VicomtedeNanjac,MrMontford[andotherguests]
Lady Markby: Well, dear Mrs Cheveley, I hope you have enjoyed yourself. Sir
Robertisveryentertaining,ishenot?
MrsCheveley:Mostentertaining!Ihaveenjoyedmytalkwithhimimmensely.
Lady Markby: He has had a very interesting and brilliant career. And he has
married a most admirable wife. Lady Chiltern: is a woman of the very highest
principles, I am glad to say. I am a little too old now, myself, to trouble about
settingagoodexample,butIalwaysadmirepeoplewhodo.AndLadyChiltern:
has a very ennobling effect on life, though her dinner-parties are rather dull
sometimes. But one can’t have everything, can one? And now I must go, dear.
ShallIcallforyoutomorrow?
MrsCheveley:Thanks.
LadyMarkby:WemightdriveintheParkatfive.Everythinglookssofreshinthe
Parknow!
MrsCheveley:Exceptthepeople!
LadyMarkby:Perhapsthepeoplearealittlejaded.Ihaveoftenobservedthatthe
Seasonasitgoesonproducesakindofsofteningofthebrain.However,Ithink
anything is better than high intellectual pressure. That is the most unbecoming
thing there is. It makes the noses of the young girls so particularly large. And
there is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose; men don’t like them. Good
night,dear!(ToLadyChiltern)Goodnight,Gertrude!
GoesoutonLordCaversham:’sarm
Mrs Cheveley: What a charming house you have, Lady Chiltern! I have spent a
delightfulevening.Ithasbeensointerestinggettingtoknowyourhusband.
LadyChiltern:Whydidyouwishtomeetmyhusband,MrsCheveley?
MrsCheveley:Oh,Iwilltellyou.IwantedtointeresthiminthisArgentineCanal
scheme,ofwhichIdaresayyouhaveheard.AndIfoundhimmostsusceptible,—
susceptible to reason, I mean. A rare thing in a man. I converted him in ten
minutes.HeisgoingtomakeaspeechintheHousetomorrownightinfavourof
the idea. We must go to the Ladies’ Gallery and hear him! It will be a great
occasion!
LadyChiltern:Theremustbesomemistake.Thatschemecouldneverhavemy
husband’ssupport.
Mrs Cheveley: Oh, I assure you it’s all settled. I don’t regret my tedious journey
fromViennanow.Ithasbeenagreatsuccess.But,ofcourse,forthenexttwentyfourhoursthewholethingisadeadsecret.
LadyChiltern:(gently)Asecret?Betweenwhom?
Mrs Cheveley: (with a flash of amusement in her eyes) Between your husband
andmyself.
EnterSirRobertChiltern:
SirRobertChiltern:Yourcarriageishere,MrsCheveley!
MrsCheveley:Thanks!Goodevening,LadyChiltern!Goodnight,LordGoring!I
amatClaridge’s.Don’tyouthinkyoumightleaveacard?
LordGoring:Ifyouwish,MrsCheveley!
Mrs Cheveley: Oh, don’t be so solemn about it, or I shall be obliged to leave a
card on you. In England I suppose that would hardly be considered en règle.
Abroad,wearemorecivilized.Willyouseemedown,SirRobert?Nowthatwe
haveboththesameinterestsatheartweshallbegreatfriends,Ihope!
Sails out on Sir Robert Chiltern:’s arm. Lady Chiltern: goes to the top of the
staircase and looks down at them as they descend. Her expression is troubled.
Afteralittletimesheisjoinedbysomeoftheguests,andpasseswiththeminto
anotherreception-room
MabelChiltern:Whatahorridwoman!
LordGoring:Youshouldgotobed,MissMabel.
MabelChiltern:LordGoring!
Lord Goring: My father told me to go to bed an hour ago. I don’t see why I
shouldn’tgiveyouthesameadvice.Ialwayspassongoodadvice.Itistheonly
thingtodowithit.Itisneverofanyusetooneself.
MabelChiltern:LordGoring,youarealwaysorderingmeoutoftheroom.Ithinkit
most courageous of you. Especially as I am not going to bed for hours. (Goes
overtothesofa)Youcancomeandsitdownifyoulike,andtalkaboutanythingin
theworld,excepttheRoyalAcademy,MrsCheveley,ornovelsinScotchdialect.
Theyarenotimprovingsubjects.(Catchessightofsomethingthatislyingonthe
sofahalfhiddenbythecushion)Whatisthis?Someonehasdroppedadiamond
brooch!Quitebeautiful,isn’tit?(Showsittohim.)Iwishitwasmine,butGertrude
won’t let me wear anything but pearls, and I am thoroughly sick of pearls. They
makeonelooksoplain,sogoodandsointellectual.Iwonderwhomthebrooch
belongsto.
LordGoring:Iwonderwhodroppedit.
MabelChiltern:Itisabeautifulbrooch.
LordGoring:Itisahandsomebracelet.
MabelChiltern:Itisn’tabracelet.It’sabrooch.
LordGoring:Itcanbeusedasabracelet.
Takesitfromher,andpullingoutagreenletter-case,putstheornamentcarefully
in it, and replaces the whole thing in his breast-pocket with the most perfect
sangfroid
MabelChiltern:Whatareyoudoing?
LordGoring:MissMabel,Iamgoingtomakearatherstrangerequesttoyou.
MabelChiltern:(eagerly)Oh,praydo!Ihavebeenwaitingforitalltheevening.
Lord Goring: (is a little taken aback, but recovers himself) Don’t mention to
anybodythatIhavetakenchargeofthisbrooch.Shouldanyonewriteandclaimit,
letmeknowatonce.
MabelChiltern:Thatisastrangerequest.
LordGoring:Well,youseeIgavethisbroochtosomebodyonce,yearsago.
MabelChiltern:Youdid?
LordGoring:Yes.
LadyChiltern:entersalone.Theotherguestshavegone
MabelChiltern:ThenIshallcertainlybidyougoodnight.Goodnight,Gertrude!
Exit
Lady Chiltern: Good night, dear! (To Lord Goring) You saw whom Lady Markby
broughtheretonight?
LordGoring:Yes.Itwasanunpleasantsurprise.Whatdidshecomeherefor?
Lady Chiltern: Apparently to try and lure Robert to uphold some fraudulent
schemeinwhichsheisinterested.TheArgentineCanal,infact.
LordGoring:Shehasmistakenherman,hasn’tshe?
Lady Chiltern: She is incapable of understanding an upright nature like my
husband’s!
LordGoring:Yes.IshouldfancyshecametogriefifshetriedtogetRobertinto
hertoils.Itisextraordinarywhatastoundingmistakescleverwomenmake.
LadyChiltern:Idon’tcallwomenofthatkindclever.Icallthemstupid!
LordGoring:Samethingoften.Goodnight,LadyChiltern!
LadyChiltern:Goodnight!
EnterSirRobertChiltern:
SirRobertChiltern:MydearArthur,youarenotgoing?Dostopalittle!
LordGoring:AfraidIcan’t,thanks.IhavepromisedtolookinattheHartlocks’.I
believe they have got a mauve Hungarian band that plays mauve Hungarian
music.Seeyousoon.Good-bye!
Exit
SirRobertChiltern:Howbeautifulyoulooktonight,Gertrude!
LadyChiltern:Robert,itisnottrue,isit?Youarenotgoingtolendyoursupportto
thisArgentinespeculation?Youcouldn’t!
SirRobertChiltern:(starting)WhotoldyouIintendedtodoso?
Lady Chiltern: That woman who has just gone out, Mrs Cheveley, as she calls
herself now. She seemed to taunt me with it. Robert, I know this woman. You
don’t.Wewereatschooltogether.Shewasuntruthful,dishonest,anevilinfluence
oneveryonewhosetrustorfriendshipshecouldwin.Ihated,Idespisedher.She
stolethings,shewasathief.Shewassentawayforbeingathief.Whydoyoulet
herinfluenceyou?
SirRobertChiltern:Gertrude,whatyoutellmemaybetrue,butithappenedmany
yearsago.Itisbestforgotten!MrsCheveley:mayhavechangedsincethen.No
oneshouldbeentirelyjudgedbytheirpast.
LadyChiltern:(sadly)One’spastiswhatoneis.Itistheonlywaybywhichpeople
shouldbejudged.
SirRobertChiltern:Thatisahardsaying,Gertrude!
LadyChiltern:Itisatruesaying,Robert.Andwhatdidshemeanbyboastingthat
she had got you to lend your support, your name, to a thing I have heard you
describe as the most dishonest and fraudulent scheme there has ever been in
politicallife?
SirRobertChiltern:(bitinghislip)IwasmistakenintheviewItook.Weallmay
makemistakes.
LadyChiltern:Butyoutoldmeyesterdaythatyouhadreceivedthereportfromthe
Commission,andthatitentirelycondemnedthewholething.
SirRobertChiltern:(walkingupanddown)Ihavereasonsnowtobelievethatthe
Commission was prejudiced, or, at any rate, misinformed. Besides, Gertrude,
publicandprivatelifearedifferentthings.Theyhavedifferentlaws,andmoveon
differentlines.
LadyChiltern:Theyshouldbothrepresentmanathishighest.Iseenodifference
betweenthem.
SirRobertChiltern:(stopping)Inthepresentcase,onamatterofpracticalpolitics,
Ihavechangedmymind.Thatisall.
LadyChiltern:All!
SirRobertChiltern:(sternly)Yes!
Lady Chiltern: Robert! Oh! it is horrible that I should have to ask you such a
question—Robert,areyoutellingmethewholetruth?
SirRobertChiltern:Whydoyouaskmesuchaquestion?
[Apause]
LadyChiltern:Whydoyounotanswerit?
Sir Robert Chiltern: (sitting down) Gertrude, truth is a very complex thing, and
politicsisaverycomplexbusiness.Therearewheelswithinwheels.Onemaybe
undercertainobligationstopeoplethatonemustpay.Soonerorlaterinpolitical
lifeonehastocompromise.Everyonedoes.
Lady Chiltern: Compromise? Robert, why do you talk so differently tonight from
thewayIhavealwaysheardyoutalk?Whyareyouchanged?
SirRobertChiltern:Iamnotchanged.Butcircumstancesalterthings.
LadyChiltern:Circumstancesshouldneveralterprinciples!
SirRobertChiltern:ButifItoldyou—
LadyChiltern:What?
SirRobertChiltern:Thatitwasnecessary,vitallynecessary?
LadyChiltern:Itcanneverbenecessarytodowhatisnothonourable.Orifitbe
necessary,thenwhatisitthatIhaveloved!Butitisnot,Robert;tellmeitisnot.
Whyshoulditbe?Whatgainwouldyouget?Money?Wehavenoneedofthat!
Andmoneythatcomesfromataintedsourceisadegradation.Power?Butpower
isnothinginitself.Itisapowertodogoodthatisfine—that,andthatonly.Whatis
it,then?Robert,tellmewhyyouaregoingtodothisdishonourablething!
SirRobertChiltern:Gertrude,youhavenorighttousethatword.Itoldyouitwas
aquestionofrationalcompromise.Itisnomorethanthat.
Lady Chiltern: Robert, that is all very well for other men, for men who treat life
simply as a sordid speculation; but not for you, Robert, not for you. You are
different. All your life you have stood apart from others. You have never let the
worldsoilyou.Totheworld,astomyself,youhavebeenanidealalways.Oh!be
that ideal still. That great inheritance throw not away—that tower of ivory do not
destroy. Robert, men can love what is beneath them—things unworthy, stained,
dishonoured.Wewomenworshipwhenwelove;andwhenweloseourworship,
weloseeverything.Oh!don’tkillmyloveforyou,don’tkillthat!
SirRobertChiltern:Gertrude!
LadyChiltern:Iknowthattherearemenwithhorriblesecretsintheirlives—men
who have done some shameful thing, and who in some critical moment have to
payforit,bydoingsomeotheractofshame—oh!don’ttellmeyouaresuchas
they are! Robert, is there in your life any secret dishonour or disgrace? Tell me,
tellmeatonce,that—
SirRobertChiltern:Thatwhat?
LadyChiltern:(speakingveryslowly)Thatourlivesmaydriftapart.
SirRobertChiltern:Driftapart?
LadyChiltern:Thattheymaybeentirelyseparate.Itwouldbebetterforusboth.
Sir Robert Chiltern: Gertrude, there is nothing in my past life that you might not
know.
LadyChiltern:Iwassureofit,Robert,Iwassureofit.Butwhydidyousaythose
dreadful things, things so unlike your real self? Don’t let us ever talk about the
subject again. You will write, won’t you, to Mrs Cheveley, and tell her that you
cannot support this scandalous scheme of hers? If you have given her any
promiseyoumusttakeitback,thatisall!
SirRobertChiltern:MustIwriteandtellherthat?
LadyChiltern:Surely,Robert!Whatelseistheretodo?
SirRobertChiltern:Imightseeherpersonally.Itwouldbebetter.
Lady Chiltern: You must never see her again, Robert. She is not a woman you
shouldeverspeakto.Sheisnotworthytotalktoamanlikeyou.No;youmust
write to her at once, now, this moment, and let your letter show her that your
decisionisquiteirrevocable!
SirRobertChiltern:Writethismoment!
LadyChiltern:Yes.
SirRobertChiltern:Butitissolate.Itiscloseontwelve.
LadyChiltern:Thatmakesnomatter.Shemustknowatoncethatshehasbeen
mistakeninyou—andthatyouarenotamantodoanythingbaseorunderhandor
dishonourable.Writehere,Robert.Writethatyoudeclinetosupportthisscheme
ofhers,asyouholdittobeadishonestscheme.Yes—writetheworddishonest.
She knows what that word means (Sir Robert Chiltern: sits down and writes a
letter.Hiswifetakesitupandreadsit)Yes;thatwilldo.(Ringsbell)Andnowthe
envelope.(Hewritestheenvelopeslowly)
EnterMason:
HavethislettersentatoncetoClaridge’sHotel.Thereisnoanswer.
Exit Mason. Lady Chiltern kneels down beside her husband and puts her arms
roundhim.
Robert,lovegivesoneasortofinstincttothings.IfeeltonightthatIhavesaved
you from something that might have been a danger to you, from something that
might have made men honour you less than they do. I don’t think you realize
sufficiently,Robert,thatyouhavebroughtintothepoliticallifeofourtimeanobler
atmosphere,afinerattitudetowardslife,afreerairofpureraimsandhigherideals
-Iknowit,andforthatIloveyou,Robert.
SirRobertChiltern:Oh,lovemealways,Gertrude,lovemealways!
LadyChiltern:Iwillloveyoualways,becauseyouwillalwaysbeworthyoflove.
Weneedsmustlovethehighestwhenweseeit!
Kisseshimandrisesandgoesout.SirRobertChiltern:walksupanddownfora
moment;thensitsdownandburieshisfaceinhishands.TheServantentersand
beginsputtingoutthelights.SirRobertChiltern:looksup
SirRobertChiltern:Putoutthelights,Mason,putoutthelights!
The Servant puts out the lights. The room becomes almost dark. The only light
there is comes from the great chandelier that hangs over the staircase and
illuminesthetapestryoftheTriumphofLove.
SecondAct
Scene:Morning-roomatSirRobertChiltern’shouse.LordGoring,dressedinthe
height of fashion, is lounging in an armchair. Sir Robert Chiltern: is standing in
front of the fireplace. He is evidently in a state of great mental excitement and
distress.Asthesceneprogresseshepacesnervouslyupanddowntheroom
LordGoring:MydearRobert,it’saveryawkwardbusiness,veryawkwardindeed.
Youshouldhavetoldyourwifethewholething.Secretsfromotherpeople’swives
areanecessaryluxuryinmodernlife.So,atleast,Iamalwaystoldattheclubby
people who are bald enough to know better. But no man should have a secret
from his own wife. She invariably finds it out. Women have a wonderful instinct
aboutthings.Theycandiscovereverythingexcepttheobvious.
SirRobertChiltern:Arthur,Icouldn’ttellmywife.WhencouldIhavetoldher?Not
lastnight.Itwouldhavemadealifelongseparationbetweenus,andIwouldhave
losttheloveoftheonewomanintheworldIworship,oftheonlywomanwhohas
ever stirred love within me. Last night it would have been quite impossible. She
wouldhaveturnedfrommeinhorror…inhorrorandincontempt.
LordGoring:IsLadyChiltern:asperfectasallthat?
SirRobertChiltern:Yes,mywifeisasperfectasallthat.
Lord Goring: (taking off his left-hand glove) What a pity! I beg your pardon, my
dearfellow,Ididn’tquitemeanthat.Butifwhatyoutellmeistrue,Ishouldliketo
haveaserioustalkaboutlifewithLadyChiltern.
SirRobertChiltern:Itwouldbequiteuseless.
LordGoring:MayItry?
SirRobertChiltern:Yes;butnothingcouldmakeheralterherviews.
LordGoring:Well,attheworstitwouldsimplybeapsychologicalexperiment.
SirRobertChiltern:Allsuchexperimentsareterriblydangerous.
LordGoring:Everythingisdangerous,mydearfellow.Ifitwasn’tso,lifewouldn’t
be worth living… Well, I am bound to say that I think you should have told her
yearsago.
Sir Robert Chiltern: When? When we were engaged? Do you think she would
havemarriedmeifshehadknownthattheoriginofmyfortuneissuchasitis,the
basisofmycareersuchasitis,andthatIhaddoneathingthatIsupposemost
menwouldcallshamefulanddishonourable?
LordGoring:(slowly)Yes;mostmenwouldcallituglynames.Thereisnodoubtof
that.
SirRobertChiltern:(bitterly)Menwhoeverydaydosomethingofthesamekind
themselves.Menwho,eachoneofthem,haveworsesecretsintheirownlives.
Lord Goring: That is the reason they are so pleased to find out other people’s
secrets.Itdistractspublicattentionfromtheirown.
SirRobertChiltern:And,afterall,whomdidIwrongbywhatIdid?Noone.
LordGoring:(lookingathimsteadily)Exceptyourself,Robert.
[Apause]
SirRobertChiltern:OfcourseIhadprivateinformationaboutacertaintransaction
contemplatedbytheGovernmentoftheday,andIactedonit.Privateinformation
ispracticallythesourceofeverylargemodernfortune.
Lord Goring: (tapping his boot with his cane) And public scandal invariably the
result.
SirRobertChiltern:(pacingupanddowntheroom)Arthur,doyouthinkthatwhat
I did nearly eighteen years ago should be brought up against me now? Do you
think it fair that a man’s whole career should be ruined for a fault done in one’s
boyhoodalmost?Iwastwenty-twoatthetime,andIhadthedoublemisfortuneof
beingwell-bornandpoor,twounforgivablethingsnowadays.Isitfairthatthefolly,
thesinofone’syouth,ifmenchoosetocallitasin,shouldwreckalifelikemine,
shouldplacemeinthepillory,shouldshatterallthatIhaveworkedfor,allthatI
havebuiltup?Isitfair,Arthur?
LordGoring:Lifeisneverfair,Robert.Andperhapsitisagoodthingformostof
usthatitisnot.
Sir Robert Chiltern: Every man of ambition has to fight his century with its own
weapons.Whatthiscenturyworshipsiswealth.Thegodofthiscenturyiswealth.
Tosucceedonemusthavewealth.Atallcostsonemusthavewealth.
LordGoring:Youunderrateyourself,Robert.Believeme,withoutwealthyoucould
havesucceededjustaswell.
Sir Robert Chiltern: When I was old, perhaps. When I had lost my passion for
power,orcouldnotuseit.WhenIwastired,wornout,disappointed.Iwantedmy
successwhenIwasyoung.Youthisthetimeforsuccess.Icouldn’twait.
LordGoring:Well,youcertainlyhavehadyoursuccesswhileyouarestillyoung.
Nooneinourdayhashadsuchabrilliantsuccess.Under-SecretaryforForeign
Affairsattheageofforty—that’sgoodenoughforanyone,Ishouldthink.
Sir Robert Chiltern: And if it is all taken away from me now? If I lose everything
overahorriblescandal?IfIamhoundedfrompubliclife?
LordGoring:Robert,howcouldyouhavesoldyourselfformoney?
SirRobertChiltern:(excitedly)Ididnotsellmyselfformoney.Iboughtsuccessat
agreatprice.Thatisall.
Lord Goring: (gravely) Yes; you certainly paid a great price for it. But what first
madeyouthinkofdoingsuchathing?
SirRobertChiltern:BaronArnheim.
LordGoring:Damnedscoundrel!
Sir Robert Chiltern: No; he was a man of a most subtle and refined intellect. A
man of culture, charm, and distinction. One of the most intellectual men I ever
met.
LordGoring:Ah!Ipreferagentlemanlyfoolanyday.Thereismoretobesaidfor
stupiditythanpeopleimagine.PersonallyIhaveagreatadmirationforstupidity.It
isasortoffellow-feeling,Isuppose.Buthowdidhedoit?Tellmethewholething.
Sir Robert Chiltern: (throws himself into an armchair by the writing-table) One
night after dinner at Lord Radley’s the Baron began talking about success in
modernlifeassomethingthatonecouldreducetoanabsolutelydefinitescience.
Withthatwonderfullyfascinatingquietvoiceofhisheexpoundedtousthemost
terrible of all philosophies, the philosophy of power, preached to us the most
marvellousofall
gospels,thegospelofgold.Ithinkhesawtheeffecthehadproducedonme,for
some days afterwards he wrote and asked me to come and see him. He was
living then in Park Lane, in the house Lord Woolcomb has now. I remember so
well how, with a strange smile on his pale, curved lips, he led me through his
wonderful picture gallery, showed me his tapestries, his enamels, his jewels, his
carvedivories,mademewonderatthestrangelovelinessoftheluxuryinwhich
he lived; and then told me that luxury was nothing but a background, a painted
sceneinaplay,andthatpower,poweroverothermen,powerovertheworld,was
theonethingworthhaving,theonesupremepleasureworthknowing,theonejoy
onenevertiredof,andthatinourcenturyonlytherichpossessedit.
LordGoring:(withgreatdeliberation)Athoroughlyshallowcreed.
SirRobertChiltern:(rising)Ididn’tthinksothen.Idon’tthinksonow.Wealthhas
givenmeenormouspower.Itgavemeattheveryoutsetofmylifefreedom,and
freedomiseverything.Youhaveneverbeenpoor,andneverknownwhatambition
is.YoucannotunderstandwhatawonderfulchancetheBarongaveme.Sucha
chanceasfewmenget.
Lord Goring: Fortunately for them, if one is to judge by results. But tell me
definitely,howdidtheBaronfinallypersuadeyouto-well,todowhatyoudid?
SirRobertChiltern:WhenIwasgoingawayhesaidtomethatifIevercouldgive
him any private information of real value he would make me a very rich man. I
wasdazedattheprospectheheldouttome,andmyambitionandmydesirefor
power were at that time boundless. Six weeks later certain private documents
passedthroughmyhands.
LordGoring:(keepinghiseyessteadilyfixedonthecarpet)Statedocuments?
SirRobertChiltern:Yes.
LordGoring:sighs,thenpasseshishandacrosshisforeheadandlooksup
LordGoring:Ihadnoideathatyou,ofallmenintheworld,couldhavebeenso
weak,Robert,astoyieldtosuchatemptationasBaronArnheimheldouttoyou.
SirRobertChiltern:Weak?Oh,Iamsickofhearingthatphrase.Sickofusingit
aboutothers.Weak?Doyoureallythink,Arthur,thatitisweaknessthatyieldsto
temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations that it requires strength,
strengthandcourage,toyieldto.Tostakeallone’slifeonasinglemoment,torisk
everything on one throw, whether the stake be power or pleasure, I care not—
there is no weakness in that. There is a horrible, a terrible courage. I had that
courage.IsatdownthesameafternoonandwroteBaronArnheimtheletterthis
womannowholds.Hemadethree-quartersofamillionoverthetransaction.
LordGoring:Andyou?
SirRobertChiltern:IreceivedfromtheBaron£110,000.
LordGoring:Youwereworthmore,Robert.
Sir Robert Chiltern: No; that money gave me exactly what I wanted, power over
others.IwentintotheHouseimmediately.TheBaronadvisedmeinfinancefrom
time to time. Before five years I had almost trebled my fortune. Since then
everythingthatIhavetouchedhasturnedoutasuccess.Inallthingsconnected
with money I have had a luck so extraordinary that sometimes it has made me
almost afraid. I remember having read somewhere, in some strange book, that
whenthegodswishtopunishustheyanswerourprayers.
LordGoring:Buttellme,Robert,didyouneversufferanyregretforwhatyouhad
done?
SirRobertChiltern:No.IfeltthatIhadfoughtthecenturywithitsownweapons,
andwon.
LordGoring:(sadly)Youthoughtyouhadwon?
[Alongpause]
SirRobertChiltern:Ithoughtso.Arthur,doyoudespisemeforwhatIhavetold
you?
LordGoring:(withdeepfeelinginhisvoice)Iamverysorryforyou,Robert,very
sorryindeed.
SirRobertChiltern:Idon’tsaythatIsufferedanyremorse.Ididn’t.Notremorsein
the ordinary, rather silly sense of the word. But I have paid conscience money
many times. I had a wild hope that I might disarm destiny. The sum Baron
ArnheimgavemeIhavedistributedtwiceoverinpubliccharitiessincethen.
Lord Goring: (looking up) In public charities? Dear me! what a lot of harm you
musthavedone,Robert!
SirRobertChiltern:Oh,don’tsaythat,Arthur;don’ttalklikethat!
LordGoring:NevermindwhatIsay,Robert.IamalwayssayingwhatIshouldn’t
say.Infact,IusuallysaywhatIreallythink.Agreatmistakenowadays.Itmakes
one so liable to be misunderstood. As regards this dreadful business, I will help
youinwhateverwayIcan.Ofcourseyouknowthat.
SirRobertChiltern:Thankyou,Arthur,thankyou.Butwhatistobedone?What
canbedone?
LordGoring:(leaningbackwithhishandsinhispockets)Well,theEnglishcan’t
standamanwhoisalwayssayingheisintheright,buttheyareveryfondofa
man who admits that he has been in the wrong. It is one of the best things in
them. However, in your case, Robert, a confession would not do. The money, if
youwillallowmetosayso,is…awkward.Besides,ifyoudidmakeacleanbreast
ofthewholeaffair,youwouldneverbeabletotalkmoralityagain.AndinEngland
amanwhocan’ttalkmoralitytwiceaweektoalarge,popular,immoralaudience
is quite over as a serious politician. There would be nothing left for him as a
profession except Botany or the Church. A confession would be of no use. It
wouldruinyou.
SirRobertChiltern:Itwouldruinme.Arthur,theonlythingformetodonowisto
fightthethingout.
LordGoring:(risingfromhischair)Iwaswaitingforyoutosaythat,Robert.Itis
theonlythingtodonow.Andyoumustbeginbytellingyourwifethewholestory.
SirRobertChiltern:ThatIwillnotdo.
LordGoring:Robert,believeme,youarewrong.
Sir Robert Chiltern: I couldn’t do it. It would kill her love for me. And now about
thiswoman,thisMrsCheveley.HowcanIdefendmyselfagainsther?Youknew
herbefore,Arthur,apparently.
LordGoring:Yes.
SirRobertChiltern:Didyouknowherwell?
Lord Goring: (arranging his necktie) So little that I got engaged to be married to
her once, when I was staying at the Tenbys’. The affair lasted for three days…
nearly.
SirRobertChiltern:Whywasitbrokenoff?
Lord Goring: (airily) Oh, I forget. At least, it makes no matter. By the way, have
youtriedherwithmoney?Sheusedtobeconfoundedlyfondofmoney.
SirRobertChiltern:Iofferedheranysumshewanted.Sherefused.
Lord Goring: Then the marvellous gospel of gold breaks down sometimes. The
richcan’tdoeverything,afterall.
Sir Robert Chiltern: Not everything. I suppose you are right. Arthur, I feel that
publicdisgraceisinstoreforme.Ifeelcertainofit.Ineverknewwhatterrorwas
before.Iknowitnow.Itisasifahandoficewerelaiduponone’sheart.Itisasif
one’sheartwerebeatingitselftodeathinsomeemptyhollow.
LordGoring:(strikingthetable)Robert,youmustfighther.Youmustfighther.
SirRobertChiltern:Buthow?
Lord Goring: I can’t tell you how at present. I have not the smallest idea. But
everyone has some weak point. There is some flaw in each one of us. (Strolls
overtothefireplaceandlooksathimselfintheglass)Myfathertellsmethateven
Ihavefaults.PerhapsIhave.Idon’tknow.
Sir Robert Chiltern: In defending myself against Mrs Cheveley, I have a right to
useanyweaponIcanfind,haveInot?
LordGoring:(stilllookingintheglass)InyourplaceIdon’tthinkIshouldhavethe
smallestscrupleindoingso.Sheisthoroughlywellabletotakecareofherself.
Sir Robert Chiltern: (sits down at the table and takes a pen in his hand) Well, I
shall send a cipher telegram to the Embassy at Vienna, to inquire if there is
anything known against her. There may be some secret scandal she might be
afraidof.
LordGoring:(settlinghisbuttonhole)Oh,IshouldfancyMrsCheveley:isoneof
thoseverymodernwomenofourtimewhofindanewscandalasbecomingasa
newbonnet,andairthembothintheParkeveryafternoonatfive-thirty.Iamsure
she adores scandals, and that the sorrow of her life at present is that she can’t
managetohaveenoughofthem.
SirRobertChiltern:(writing)Whydoyousaythat?
LordGoring:(turninground)Well,sheworefartoomuchrougelastnight,andnot
quiteenoughclothes.Thatisalwaysasignofdespairinawoman.
SirRobertChiltern:(strikingabell)ButitisworthwhilemywiringtoVienna,isit
not?
Lord Goring: It is always worth while asking a question, though it is not always
worthwhileansweringone.
EnterMason:
SirRobertChiltern:IsMrTraffordinhisroom?
Mason:Yes,SirRobert.
Sir Robert Chiltern: (puts what he has written into an envelope, which he then
carefullycloses)Tellhimtohavethissentoffincipheratonce.Theremustnotbe
amoment’sdelay.
Mason:Yes,SirRobert.
SirRobertChiltern:Oh!justgivethatbacktomeagain.
Writessomethingontheenvelope.Mason:thengoesoutwiththeletter
SirRobertChiltern:ShemusthavehadsomecuriousholdoverBaronArnheim.I
wonderwhatitwas.
LordGoring:(smiling)Iwonder.
SirRobertChiltern:Iwillfighthertothedeath,aslongasmywifeknowsnothing.
LordGoring:(strongly)Oh,fightinanycase—inanycase.
SirRobertChiltern:(withagestureofdespair)Ifmywifefoundout,therewould
belittlelefttofightfor.Well,assoonasIhearfromVienna,Ishallletyouknow
theresult.Itisachance,justachance,butIbelieveinit.AndasIfoughttheage
with its own weapons, I will fight her with her weapons. It is only fair, and she
lookslikeawomanwithapast,doesn’tshe?
LordGoring:Mostprettywomendo.Butthereisafashioninpastsjustasthereis
afashioninfrocks.PerhapsMrsCheveley:’spastismerelyaslightdécolletéone,
and they are excessively popular nowadays. Besides, my dear Robert, I should
not build too high hopes on frightening Mrs Cheveley. I should not fancy Mrs
Cheveley: is a woman who would be easily frightened. She has survived all her
creditors,andsheshowswonderfulpresenceofmind.
SirRobertChiltern:Oh!Iliveonhopesnow.Iclutchateverychance.Ifeellikea
manonashipthatissinking.Thewaterisroundmyfeet,andtheveryairisbitter
withstorm.Hush!Ihearmywife’svoice.
EnterLadyChiltern:inwalkingdress
LadyChiltern:Goodafternoon,LordGoring!
LordGoring:Goodafternoon,LadyChiltern!HaveyoubeeninthePark?
LadyChiltern:No;IhavejustcomefromtheWoman’sLiberalAssociation,where,
bytheway,Robert,yournamewasreceivedwithloudapplause,andnowIhave
comeintohavemytea.[ToLordGoring]Youwillwaitandhavesometea,won’t
you?
LordGoring:I’llwaitforashorttime,thanks.
LadyChiltern:Iwillbebackinamoment.Iamonlygoingtotakemyhatoff.
LordGoring:(inhismostearnestmanner)Oh!pleasedon’t.Itissopretty.Oneof
theprettiesthatsIeversaw.IhopetheWoman’sLiberalAssociationreceivedit
withloudapplause.
LadyChiltern:(withasmile)Wehavemuchmoreimportantworktodothanlook
ateachother’sbonnets,LordGoring.
LordGoring:Really?Whatsortofwork?
LadyChiltern:Oh!dull,useful,delightfulthings,FactoryActs,FemaleInspectors,
the Eight Hours’ Bill, the Parliamentary Franchise… Everything, in fact, that you
wouldfindthoroughlyuninteresting.
LordGoring:Andneverbonnets?
LadyChiltern:(withmockindignation)Neverbonnets,never!
LadyChiltern:goesthroughthedoorleadingtoherboudoir
Sir Robert Chiltern: (takes Lord Goring:’s hand) You have been a good friend to
me,Arthur,athoroughlygoodfriend.
Lord Goring: I don’t know that I have been able to do much for you, Robert, as
yet.Infact,Ihavenotbeenabletodoanythingforyou,asfarasIcansee.Iam
thoroughlydisappointedwithmyself.
SirRobertChiltern:Youhaveenabledmetotellyouthetruth.Thatissomething.
Thetruthhasalwaysstifledme.
LordGoring:Ah!thetruthisathingIgetridofassoonaspossible!Badhabit,by
theway.Makesoneveryunpopularattheclub…withtheoldermembers.They
callitbeingconceited.Perhapsitis.
SirRobertChiltern:IwouldtoGodthatIhadbeenabletotellthetruth…tolive
the truth. Ah! that is the great thing in life, to live the truth. (Sighs, and goes
towardsthedoor)I’llseeyousoonagain,Arthur,shan’tI?
LordGoring:Certainly.Wheneveryoulike.I’mgoingtolookinattheBachelors’
Ball tonight, unless I find something better to do. But I’ll come round tomorrow
morning. If you should want me tonight by any chance, send round a note to
CurzonStreet.
SirRobertChiltern:Thankyou.
Ashereachesthedoor,LadyChiltern:entersfromherboudoir
LadyChiltern:Youarenotgoing,Robert?
SirRobertChiltern:Ihavesomeletterstowrite,dear.
LadyChiltern:(goingtohim)Youworktoohard,Robert.Youseemnevertothink
ofyourself,andyouarelookingsotired.
SirRobertChiltern:Itisnothing,dear,nothing.
Hekissesherandgoesout
LadyChiltern:(toLordGoring)Dositdown.Iamsogladyouhavecalled.Iwant
to talk to you about… well, not about bonnets, or the Woman’s Liberal
Association. You take far too much interest in the first subject, and not nearly
enoughinthesecond.
LordGoring:YouwanttotalktomeaboutMrsCheveley?
LadyChiltern:Yes.Youhaveguessedit.AfteryouleftlastnightIfoundoutthat
whatshehadsaidwasreallytrue.OfcourseImadeRobertwriteheraletterat
once,withdrawinghispromise.
LordGoring:Sohegavemetounderstand.
LadyChiltern:Tohavekeptitwouldhavebeenthefirststainonacareerthathas
beenstainlessalways.Robertmustbeabovereproach.Heisnotlikeothermen.
He cannot afford to do what other men do. (She looks at Lord Goring, who
remains silent) Don’t you agree with me? You are Robert’s greatest friend. You
areourgreatestfriend,LordGoring.Noone,exceptmyself,knowsRobertbetter
thanyoudo.Hehasnosecretsfromme,andIdon’tthinkhehasanyfromyou.
LordGoring:Hecertainlyhasnosecretsfromme.AtleastIdon’tthinkso.
LadyChiltern:ThenamInotrightinmyestimateofhim?IknowIamright.But
speaktomefrankly.
LordGoring:(lookingstraightather)Quitefrankly?
LadyChiltern:Surely.Youhavenothingtoconcealhaveyou?
LordGoring:Nothing.But,mydearLadyChiltern,Ithink,ifyouwillallowmeto
sayso,thatinpracticallife—
LadyChiltern:(smiling)Ofwhichyouknowsolittle,LordGoring:—
LordGoring:OfwhichIknownothingbyexperience,thoughIknowsomethingby
observation.Ithinkthatinpracticallifethereissomethingaboutsuccess,actual
success, that is a little unscrupulous, something about ambition that is
unscrupulous always. Once a man has set his heart and soul on getting to a
certainpoint,ifhehastoclimbthecrag,heclimbsthecrag;ifhehastowalkin
themire—
LadyChiltern:Well?
LordGoring:Hewalksinthemire.OfcourseIamonlytalkinggenerallyaboutlife.
Lady Chiltern: (gravely) I hope so. Why do you look at me so strangely, Lord
Goring?
Lord Goring: Lady Chiltern, I have sometimes thought that… perhaps you are a
little hard in some of your views on life. I think that… often you don’t make
sufficient allowances. In every nature there are elements of weakness, or worse
thanweakness.Supposing,forinstance,that—thatanypublicman,myfather,or
Lord Merton, or Robert, say, had, years ago, written some foolish letter to
someone…
LadyChiltern:Whatdoyoumeanbyafoolishletter?
Lord Goring: A letter gravely compromising one’s position. I am only putting an
imaginarycase.
LadyChiltern:Robertisasincapableofdoingafoolishthingasheisofdoinga
wrongthing.
[Alongpause]
LordGoring:Nobodyisincapableofdoingafoolishthing.Nobodyisincapableof
doingawrongthing.
LadyChiltern:AreyouaPessimist?Whatwilltheotherdandiessay?Theywillall
havetogointomourning.
LordGoring:(rising)No,LadyChiltern,IamnotaPessimist.IndeedIamnotsure
thatIquiteknowwhatPessimismreallymeans.AllIdoknowisthatlifecannotbe
understoodwithoutmuchcharity,cannotbelivedwithoutmuchcharity.Itislove,
and not German philosophy, that is the true explanation of this world, whatever
maybetheexplanationofthenext.Andifyouareeverintrouble,LadyChiltern,
trustmeabsolutely,andIwillhelpyouineverywayIcan.Ifyoueverwantme,
cometomeformyassistance,andyoushallhaveit.Comeatoncetome.
Lady Chiltern: (looking at him in surprise) Lord Goring, you are talking quite
seriously.Idon’tthinkIeverheardyoutalkseriouslybefore.
LordGoring:(laughing)Youmustexcuseme,LadyChiltern.Itwon’toccuragain,
ifIcanhelpit.
LadyChiltern:ButIlikeyoutobeserious.
EnterMabelChiltern,inthemostravishingfrock.
Mabel Chiltern: Dear Gertrude, don’t say such a dreadful thing to Lord Goring.
Seriousness would be very unbecoming to him. Good afternoon, Lord Goring!
Praybeastrivialasyoucan.
Lord Goring: I should like to, Miss Mabel, but I am afraid I am … a little out of
practicethismorning;andbesides,Ihavetobegoingnow.
MabelChiltern:JustwhenIhavecomein!Whatdreadfulmannersyouhave!Iam
sureyouwereverybadlybroughtup.
LordGoring:Iwas.
MabelChiltern:IwishIhadbroughtyouup!
LordGoring:Iamsosorryyoudidn’t.
MabelChiltern:Itistoolatenow,Isuppose?
LordGoring:(smiling)Iamnotsosure.
MabelChiltern:Willyouridetomorrowmorning?
LordGoring:Yes,atten.
MabelChiltern:Don’tforget.
LordGoring:OfcourseIshan’t.Bytheway,LadyChiltern,thereisnolistofyour
guestsinTheMorningPostoftoday.Ithasapparentlybeencrowdedoutbythe
CountyCouncil,ortheLambethConference,orsomethingequallyboring.Could
youletmehavealist?Ihaveaparticularreasonforaskingyou.
LadyChiltern:IamsureMrTraffordwillbeabletogiveyouone.
LordGoring:Thanks,somuch.
MabelChiltern:TommyisthemostusefulpersoninLondon.
LordGoring:(turningtoher)Andwhoisthemostornamental?
MabelChiltern:(triumphantly)Iam.
Lord Goring: How clever of you to guess it! (Takes up his hat and cane) Good-
bye,LadyChiltern!YouwillrememberwhatIsaidtoyou,won’tyou?
LadyChiltern:Yes;butIdon’tknowwhyyousaidittome.
LordGoring:Ihardlyknowmyself.Good-bye,MissMabel!
MabelChiltern:(withalittlemoueofdisappointment)Iwishyouwerenotgoing.I
have had four wonderful adventures this morning; four and a half, in fact. You
mightstopandlistentosomeofthem.
LordGoring:Howveryselfishofyoutohavefourandahalf!Therewon’tbeany
leftforme.
MabelChiltern:Idon’twantyoutohaveany.Theywouldnotbegoodforyou.
Lord Goring: That is the first unkind thing you have ever said to me. How
charminglyyousaidit!Tentomorrow.
MabelChiltern:Sharp.
LordGoring:Quitesharp.Butdon’tbringMrTrafford.
Mabel Chiltern: (with a little toss of the head) Of course I shan’t bring Tommy
Trafford.TommyTraffordisingreatdisgrace.
LordGoring:Iamdelightedtohearit.
Bowsandgoesout
MabelChiltern:Gertrude,IwishyouwouldspeaktoTommyTrafford.
Lady Chiltern: What has poor Mr Trafford done this time? Robert says he is the
bestsecretaryhehaseverhad.
Mabel Chiltern: Well, Tommy has proposed to me again. Tommy really does
nothingbutproposetome.Heproposedtomelastnightinthemusic-room,when
Iwasquiteunprotected,astherewasanelaboratetriogoingon.Ididn’tdareto
makethesmallestrepartee,Ineedhardlytellyou.IfIhad,itwouldhavestopped
the music at once. Musical people are so absurdly unreasonable. They always
want one to be perfectly dumb at the very moment when one is longing to be
absolutelydeaf.Thenheproposedtomeinbroaddaylightthismorning,infrontof
thatdreadfulstatueofAchilles.Really,thethingsthatgooninfrontofthatworkof
artarequiteappalling.Thepoliceshouldinterfere.AtluncheonIsawbytheglare
inhiseyethathewasgoingtoproposeagain,andIjustmanagedtocheckhimin
time by assuring him that I was a bimetallist. Fortunately I don’t know what
bimetallism means. And I don’t believe anybody else does either. But the
observationcrushedTommyfortenminutes.Helookedquiteshocked.Andthen
Tommy is so annoying in the way he proposes. If he proposed at the top of his
voice,Ishouldnotmindsomuch.Thatmightproducesomeeffectonthepublic.
Buthedoesitinahorridconfidentialway.WhenTommywantstoberomantiche
talks to one just like a doctor. I am very fond of Tommy, but his methods of
proposingarequiteoutofdate.Iwish,Gertrude,youwouldspeaktohim,andtell
him that once a week is quite often enough to propose to any one, and that it
shouldalwaysbedoneinamannerthatattractssomeattention.
LadyChiltern:DearMabel,don’ttalklikethat.Besides,Robertthinksveryhighly
ofMrTrafford.Hebelieveshehasabrilliantfuturebeforehim.
MabelChiltern:Oh!Iwouldn’tmarryamanwithafuturebeforehimforanything
underthesun.
LadyChiltern:Mabel!
Mabel Chiltern: I know, dear. You married a man with a future, didn’t you? But
then Robert was a genius, and you have a noble, self-sacrificing character. You
can stand geniuses. I have no character at all, and Robert is the only genius I
could ever bear. As a rule, I think they are quite impossible. Geniuses talk so
much, don’t they? Such a bad habit! And they are always thinking about
themselves,whenIwantthemtobethinkingaboutme.Imustgoroundnowand
rehearseatLadyBasildon:’s.Yourememberwearehavingtableaux,don’tyou?
TheTriumphofsomething,Idon’tknowwhat!Ihopeitwillbetriumphofme.Only
triumphIamreallyinterestedinatpresent.(KissesLadyChiltern:andgoesout;
thencomesrunningback)Oh,Gertrude,doyouknowwhoiscomingtoseeyou?
ThatdreadfulMrsCheveley,inamostlovelygown.Didyouaskher?
LadyChiltern:(rising)MrsCheveley!Comingtoseeme?Impossible!
MabelChiltern:Iassureyousheiscomingupstairs,aslargeaslifeandnotnearly
sonatural.
LadyChiltern:Youneednotwait,Mabel.Remember,LadyBasildon:isexpecting
you.
MabelChiltern:Oh!ImustshakehandswithLadyMarkby.Sheisdelightful.Ilove
beingscoldedbyher.
EnterMason:
Mason:LadyMarkby:MrsCheveley.
EnterLadyMarkby:andMrsCheveley[ExitMason]
Lady Chiltern: (advancing to meet them) Dear Lady Markby, how nice of you to
comeandseeme!(Shakeshandswithher,andbowssomewhatdistantlytoMrs
Cheveley)Won’tyousitdown,MrsCheveley?
MrsCheveley:Thanks.Isn’tthatMissChiltern?Ishouldlikesomuchtoknowher.
LadyChiltern:Mabel,MrsCheveley:wishestoknowyou.
MabelChiltern:givesalittlenod
Mrs Cheveley: (sitting down) I thought your frock so charming last night, Miss
Chiltern.Sosimpleand…suitable.
MabelChiltern:Really?Imusttellmydressmaker.Itwillbesuchasurprisetoher.
Good-bye,LadyMarkby!
LadyMarkby:Goingalready?
MabelChiltern:IamsosorrybutIamobligedto.Iamjustofftorehearsal.Ihave
gottostandonmyheadinsometableaux.
LadyMarkby:Onyourhead,child?Oh!Ihopenot.Ibelieveitismostunhealthy.
(TakesaseatonthesofanextLadyChiltern)
MabelChiltern:Butitisforanexcellentcharity:inaidoftheUndeserving,theonly
people I am really interested in. I am the secretary, and Tommy Trafford is
treasurer.
MrsCheveley:AndwhatisLordGoring?
MabelChiltern:Oh!LordGoring:ispresident.
Mrs Cheveley: The post should suit him admirably, unless he has deteriorated
sinceIknewhimfirst.
LadyMarkby:(reflecting)Youareremarkablymodern,Mabel.Alittletoomodern,
perhaps.Nothingissodangerousasbeingtoomodern.Oneisapttogrowoldfashionedquitesuddenly.Ihaveknownmanyinstancesofit.
MabelChiltern:Whatadreadfulprospect!
LadyMarkby:Ah!mydear,youneednotbenervous.Youwillalwaysbeaspretty
as possible. That is the best fashion there is, and the only fashion that England
succeedsinsetting.
MabelChiltern:(withacurtsey)Thankyousomuch,LadyMarkby,forEngland…
andmyself.
Goesout
Lady Markby: (turning to Lady Chiltern) Dear Gertrude, we just called to know if
MrsCheveley:’sdiamondbroochhasbeenfound.
LadyChiltern:Here?
MrsCheveley:Yes.ImisseditwhenIgotbacktoClaridge’s,andIthoughtImight
possiblyhavedroppedithere.
LadyChiltern:Ihaveheardnothingaboutit.ButIwillsendforthebutlerandask.
(Touchesthebell)
Mrs Cheveley: Oh, pray don’t trouble, Lady Chiltern. I dare say I lost it at the
Opera,beforewecameonhere.
LadyMarkby:Ahyes,IsupposeitmusthavebeenattheOpera.Thefactis,we
allscrambleandjostlesomuchnowadaysthatIwonderwehaveanythingatall
leftonusattheendofanevening.Iknowmyselfthat,whenIamcomingback
fromtheDrawingRoom,IalwaysfeelasifIhadn’tashredonme,exceptasmall
shred of decent reputation, just enough to prevent the lower classes making
painful observations through the windows of the carriage. The fact is that our
Society is terribly over-populated. Really, someone should arrange a proper
schemeofassistedemigration.Itwoulddoagreatdealofgood.
MrsCheveley:Iquiteagreewithyou,LadyMarkby.ItisnearlysixyearssinceI
have been in London for the Season, and I must say Society has become
dreadfullymixed.Oneseestheoddestpeopleeverywhere.
LadyMarkby:Thatisquitetrue,dear.Butoneneedn’tknowthem.I’msureIdon’t
knowhalfthepeoplewhocometomyhouse.Indeed,fromallIhear,Ishouldn’t
liketo.
EnterMason:
LadyChiltern:Whatsortofabroochwasitthatyoulost,MrsCheveley?
MrsCheveley:Adiamondsnake-broochwitharuby,aratherlargeruby.
LadyMarkby:Ithoughtyousaidtherewasasapphireonthehead,dear?
MrsCheveley:(smiling)No,LadyMarkby:—aruby.
LadyMarkby:(noddingherhead)Andverybecoming,Iamquitesure.
Lady Chiltern: Has a ruby and diamond brooch been found in any of the rooms
thismorning,Mason?
Mason:No,mylady.
MrsCheveley:Itreallyisofnoconsequence,LadyChiltern.Iamsosorrytohave
putyoutoanyinconvenience.
LadyChiltern:(coldly)Oh,ithasbeennoinconvenience.Thatwilldo,Mason.You
canbringtea.
ExitMason:
Lady Markby: Well, I must say it is most annoying to lose anything. I remember
once at Bath, years ago, losing in the Pump Room an exceedingly handsome
cameo bracelet that Sir John had given me. I don’t think he has ever given me
anything since, I am sorry to say. He has sadly degenerated. Really, this horrid
HouseofCommonsquiteruinsourhusbandsforus.IthinktheLowerHouseby
farthegreatestblowtoahappymarriedlifethattherehasbeensincethatterrible
thingcalledtheHigherEducationofWomenwasinvented.
LadyChiltern:Ah!itisheresytosaythatinthishouse,LadyMarkby.Robertisa
greatchampionoftheHigherEducationofWomen,andso,Iamafraid,amI.
MrsCheveley:ThehighereducationofmeniswhatIshouldliketosee.Menneed
itsosadly.
Lady Markby: They do, dear. But I am afraid such a scheme would be quite
unpractical.Idon’tthinkmanhasmuchcapacityfordevelopment.Hehasgotas
farashecan,andthatisnotfar,isit?Withregardtowomen,well,dearGertrude,
youbelongtotheyoungergeneration,andIamsureitisallrightifyouapproveof
it.Inmytime,ofcourse,weweretaughtnottounderstandanything.Thatwasthe
old system, and wonderfully interesting it was. I assure you that the amount of
things I and my poor dear sister were taught not to understand was quite
extraordinary.Butmodernwomenunderstandeverything,Iamtold.
Mrs Cheveley: Except their husbands. That is the one thing the modern woman
neverunderstands.
LadyMarkby:Andaverygoodthingtoo,dear,Idaresay.Itmightbreakupmany
a happy home if they did. Not yours, I need hardly say, Gertrude. You have
married a pattern husband. I wish I could say as much for myself. But since Sir
Johnhastakentoattendingthedebatesregularly,whichheneverusedtodoin
thegoodolddays,hislanguagehasbecomequiteimpossible.Healwaysseems
to think that he is addressing the House, and consequently whenever he
discussesthestateoftheagriculturallabourer,ortheWelshChurch,orsomething
quiteimproperofthatkind,Iamobligedtosendalltheservantsoutoftheroom.It
isnotpleasanttoseeone’sownbutler,whohasbeenwithonefortwenty-three
years,actuallyblushingatthesideboard,andthefootmenmakingcontortionsin
corners like persons in circuses. I assure you my life will be quite ruined unless
theysendJohnatoncetotheUpperHouse.Hewon’ttakeanyinterestinpolitics
then,willhe?TheHouseofLordsissosensible.Anassemblyofgentlemen.But
in his present state, Sir John is really a great trial. Why, this morning before
breakfast was half over, he stood up on the hearthrug, put his hands in his
pockets, and appealed to the country at the top of his voice. I left the table as
soonasIhadmysecondcupoftea,Ineedhardlysay.Buthisviolentlanguage
couldbeheardalloverthehouse!Itrust,Gertrude,thatSirRobertisnotlikethat?
Lady Chiltern: But I am very much interested in politics, Lady Markby. I love to
hearRoberttalkaboutthem.
Lady Markby: Well, I hope he is not as devoted to Blue Books as Sir John is. I
don’tthinktheycanbequiteimprovingreadingforanyone.
Mrs Cheveley: (languidly) I have never read a Blue Book. I prefer books … in
yellowcovers.
LadyMarkby:(geniallyunconscious)Yellowisagayercolour,isitnot?Iusedto
wearyellowagooddealinmyearlydays,andwoulddosonowifSirJohnwas
notsopainfullypersonalinhisobservations,andamanonthequestionofdress
isalwaysridiculous,ishenot?
MrsCheveley:Oh,no!Ithinkmenaretheonlyauthoritiesondress.
LadyMarkby:Really?Onewouldn’tsaysofromthesortofhatstheywear,would
one?
The butler enters, followed by the footman. Tea is set on a small table close to
LadyChiltern:
LadyChiltern:MayIgiveyousometea,MrsCheveley?
MrsCheveley:Thanks.
ThebutlerhandsMrsCheveley:acupofteaonasalver
LadyChiltern:Sometea,LadyMarkby?
LadyMarkby:Nothanks,dear.
Theservantsgoout.
The fact is, I have promised to go round for ten minutes to see poor Lady
Brancaster,whoisinverygreattrouble.Herdaughter,quiteawell-brought-upgirl,
too, has actually become engaged to be married to a curate in Shropshire. It is
very sad, very sad indeed. I can’t understand this modern mania for curates. In
mytimewegirlssawthem,ofcourse,runningabouttheplacelikerabbits.Butwe
never took any notice of them, I need hardly say. But I am told that nowadays
country society is quite honeycombed with them. I think it most irreligious. And
then the eldest son has quarrelled with his father, and it is said that when they
meetattheclubLordBrancasteralwayshideshimselfbehindthemoneyarticlein
TheTimes.However,Ibelievethatisquiteacommonoccurrencenowadaysand
thattheyhavetotakeinextracopiesofTheTimesatalltheclubsinStJames’s
Street;therearesomanysonswhowon’thaveanythingtodowiththeirfathers,
andsomanyfatherswhowon’tspeaktotheirsons.Ithink,myself,itisverymuch
toberegretted.
MrsCheveley:SodoI.Fathershavesomuchtolearnfromtheirsonsnowadays.
LadyMarkby:Really,dear?What?
Mrs Cheveley: The art of living. The only really Fine Art we have produced in
moderntimes.
Lady Markby: (shaking her head) Ah! I am afraid Lord Brancaster knew a good
dealaboutthat.Morethanhispoorwifeeverdid.(TurningtoLadyChiltern)You
knowLadyBrancaster,don’tyou,dear?
Lady Chiltern: Just slightly. She was staying at Langton last autumn, when we
werethere.
LadyMarkby:Well,likeallstoutwomen,shelookstheverypictureofhappiness,
asnodoubtyounoticed.Buttherearemanytragediesinherfamily,besidesthis
affairofthecurate.Herownsister,MrsJekyll,hadamostunhappylife;through
nofaultofherown,Iamsorrytosay.Sheultimatelywassobroken-heartedthat
shewentintoaconvent,orontotheoperaticstage,Iforgetwhich.No;Ithinkit
was decorative art-needlework she took up. I know she had lost all sense of
pleasureinlife.(Rising)Andnow,Gertrude,ifyouwillallowme,IshallleaveMrs
Cheveley:inyourchargeandcallbackforherinaquarterofanhour.Orperhaps,
dearMrsCheveley,youwouldn’tmindwaitinginthecarriagewhileIamwithLady
Brancaster.AsIintendittobeavisitofcondolence,Ishan’tstaylong.
MrsCheveley:(rising)Idon’tmindwaitinginthecarriageatall,providedthereis
somebodytolookatone.
LadyMarkby:Well,Ihearthecurateisalwaysprowlingaboutthehouse.
MrsCheveley:IamafraidIamnotfondofgirlfriends.
LadyChiltern:(rising)Oh,IhopeMrsCheveley:willstayherealittle.Ishouldlike
tohaveafewminutes’conversationwithher.
Mrs Cheveley: How very kind of you, Lady Chiltern! Believe me, nothing would
givemegreaterpleasure.
LadyMarkby:Ah!nodoubtyoubothhavemanypleasantreminiscencesofyour
schooldays to talk over together. Good-bye, dear Gertrude! Shall I see you at
Lady Bonar’s tonight? She has discovered a wonderful new genius. He does …
nothingatall,Ibelieve.Thatisagreatcomfort,isitnot?
Lady Chiltern: Robert and I are dining at home by ourselves tonight, and I don’t
think I shall go anywhere afterwards. Robert, of course, will have to be in the
House.Butthereisnothinginterestingon.
LadyMarkby:Diningathomebyyourselves?Isthatquiteprudent?Ah,Iforgot,
your husband is an exception. Mine is the general rule, and nothing ages a
womansorapidlyashavingmarriedthegeneralrule.
ExitLadyMarkby:
Mrs Cheveley: Wonderful woman, Lady Markby, isn’t she? Talks more and says
lessthananybodyIevermet.Sheismadetobeapublicspeaker.Muchmoreso
than her husband, though he is a typical Englishman, always dull and usually
violent.
LadyChiltern:(makesnoanswer,butremainsstanding.Thereisapause.Then
the eyes of the two women meet. Lady Chiltern: looks stern and pale. Mrs
Cheveley:seemsratheramused)MrsCheveley,Ithinkitisrighttotellyouquite
franklythat,hadIknownwhoyoureallywere,Ishouldnothaveinvitedyoutomy
houselastnight.
MrsCheveley:(withanimpertinentsmile)Really?
LadyChiltern:Icouldnothavedoneso.
Mrs Cheveley: I see that after all these years you have not changed a bit,
Gertrude.
LadyChiltern:Ineverchange.
MrsCheveley:(elevatinghereyebrows)Thenlifehastaughtyounothing?
Lady Chiltern: It has taught me that a person who has once been guilty of a
dishonestanddishonourableactionmaybeguiltyofitasecondtime,andshould
beshunned.
MrsCheveley:Wouldyouapplythatruletoeveryone?
LadyChiltern:Yes,toeveryone,withoutexception.
MrsCheveley:ThenIamsorryforyou,Gertrude,verysorryforyou.
Lady Chiltern: You see now, I am sure, that for many reasons any further
acquaintancebetweenusduringyourstayinLondonisquiteimpossible?
Mrs Cheveley: (leaning back in her chair) Do you know, Gertrude, I don’t mind
yourtalkingmoralityabit.Moralityissimplytheattitudeweadopttowardspeople
whomwepersonallydislike.Youdislikeme.Iamquiteawareofthat.AndIhave
alwaysdetestedyou.AndyetIhavecomeheretodoyouaservice.
Lady Chiltern: (contemptuously) Like the service you wished to render my
husbandlastnight,Isuppose.Thankheaven,Isavedhimfromthat.
MrsCheveley:(startingtoherfeet)Itwasyouwhomadehimwritethatinsolent
lettertome?Itwasyouwhomadehimbreakhispromise?
LadyChiltern:Yes.
MrsCheveley:Thenyoumustmakehimkeepit.Igiveyoutilltomorrowmorning
—no more. If by that time your husband does not solemnly bind himself to help
meinthisgreatschemeinwhichIaminterested—
LadyChiltern:Thisfradulentspeculation—
MrsCheveley:Callitwhatyouchoose.Iholdyourhusbandinthehollowofmy
hand,andifyouarewiseyouwillmakehimdowhatItellhim.
Lady Chiltern: (rising and going towards her) You are impertinent. What has my
husbandtodowithyou?Withawomanlikeyou?
MrsCheveley:(withabitterlaugh)Inthisworldlikemeetswithlike.Itisbecause
your husband is himself fradulent and dishonest that we pair so well together.
Betweenyouandhimtherearechasms.HeandIarecloserthanfriends.Weare
enemieslinkedtogether.Thesamesinbindsus.
Lady Chiltern: How dare you class my husband with yourself? How dare you
threatenhimorme?Leavemyhouse.Youareunfittoenterit.
SirRobertChiltern:entersfrombehind.Hehearshiswife’slastwords,andsees
towhomtheyareaddressed.Hegrowsdeadlypale
MrsCheveley:Yourhouse!Ahouseboughtwiththepriceofdishonour.Ahouse,
everythinginwhichhasbeenpaidforbyfraud.(TurnsroundandseesSirRobert
Chiltern)Askhimwhattheoriginofhisfortuneis!Gethimtotellyouhowhesold
toastockbrokeraCabinetsecret.Learnfromhimtowhatyouoweyourposition.
LadyChiltern:Itisnottrue!Robert!Itisnottrue!
MrsCheveley:(pointingathimwithoutstretchedfinger)Lookathim!Canhedeny
it?Doeshedareto?
SirRobertChiltern:Go!Goatonce.Youhavedoneyourworstnow.
MrsCheveley:Myworst?Ihavenotyetfinishedwithyou,witheitherofyou.Igive
you both till tomorrow at noon. If by then you don’t do what I bid you to do, the
wholeworldshallknowtheoriginofRobertChiltern.
SirRobertChiltern:strikesthebell.EnterMason:
SirRobertChiltern:ShowMrsCheveley:out.
Mrs Cheveley: starts; then bows with somewhat exaggerated politeness to Lady
Chiltern,whomakesnosignofresponse.AsshepassesbySirRobertChiltern,
whoisstandingclosetothedoor,shepausesforamomentandlookshimstraight
intheface.Shethengoesout,followedbytheservant,whoclosesthedoorafter
him.Thehusbandandwifeareleftalone.LadyChiltern:standslikesomeoneina
dreadfuldream.Thensheturnsroundandlooksatherhusband.Shelooksathim
withstrangeeyes,asthoughshewasseeinghimforthefirsttime
Lady Chiltern: You sold a Cabinet secret for money! You began your life with
fraud!Youbuiltupyourcareerondishonour!Oh,tellmeitisnottrue!Lietome!
Lietome!Tellmeitisnottrue!
Sir Robert Chiltern: What this woman said is quite true. But, Gertrude, listen to
me.Youdon’trealizehowIwastempted.Letmetellyouthewholething.(Goes
towardsher)
LadyChiltern:Don’tcomenearme.Don’ttouchme.Ifeelasifyouhadsoiledme
for ever. Oh! what a mask you have been wearing all these years! A horrible
paintedmask!Yousoldyourselfformoney.Oh!acommonthiefwerebetter.You
putyourselfuptosaletothehighestbidder!Youwereboughtinthemarket.You
lietothewholeworld.Andyetyouwillnotlietome.
SirRobertChiltern:(rushingtowardsher)Gertrude!Gertrude!
LadyChiltern:(thrustinghimbackwithoutstretchedhands)No,don’tspeak!Say
nothing!Yourvoicewakesterriblememories—memoriesofthingsthatmademe
love you—memories of words that made me love you—memories that now are
horribletome.AndhowIworshippedyou!Youweretomesomethingapartfrom
commonlife,athingpure,noble,honest,withoutstain.Theworldseemedtome
finerbecauseyouwereinit,andgoodnessmorerealbecauseyoulived.Andnow
—oh,whenIthinkthatImadeofamanlikeyoumyideal!theidealofmylife!
SirRobertChiltern:Therewasyourmistake.Therewasyourerror.Theerrorall
womencommit.Whycan’tyouwomenloveus,faultsandall?Whydoyouplace
usonmonstrouspedestals?Wehaveallfeetofclay,womenaswellasmen:but
whenwemenlovewomen,welovethemknowingtheirweaknesses,theirfollies,
theirimperfections,lovethemallthemore,itmaybe,forthatreason.Itisnotthe
perfect,buttheimperfect,whohaveneedoflove.Itiswhenwearewoundedby
ourownhands,orbythehandsofothers,thatloveshouldcometocureus—else
whatuseisloveatall?Allsins,exceptasinagainstitself,Loveshouldforgive.All
lives,savelovelesslives,trueLoveshouldpardon.Aman’sloveislikethat.Itis
wider, larger, more human than a woman’s. Women think that they are making
idealsofmen.Whattheyaremakingofusarefalseidolsmerely.Youmadeyour
falseidolofme,andIhadnotthecouragetocomedown,showyoumywounds,
tellyoumyweaknesses.IwasafraidthatImightloseyourlove,asIhavelostit
now.Andso,lastnightyouruinedmylifeforme—yes,ruinedit!Whatthiswoman
asked of me was nothing compared to what she offered to me. She offered
security,peace,stability.Thesinofmyyouth,thatIhadthoughtwasburied,rose
upinfrontofme,hideous,horrible,withitshandsatmythroat.Icouldhavekilled
itforever,sentitbackintoitstomb,destroyeditsrecord,burnedtheonewitness
against me. You prevented me. No one but you, you know it. And now what is
there before me but public disgrace, ruin, terrible shame, the mockery of the
world,alonelydishonouredlife,alonelydishonoureddeath,itmaybe,someday?
Letwomenmakenomoreidealsofmen!letthemnotputthemonaltarsandbow
beforethem,ortheymayruinotherlivesascompletelyasyou—youwhomIhave
sowildlyloved—haveruinedmine!
He passes from the room. Lady Chiltern: rushes towards him, but the door is
closedwhenshereachesit.Palewithanguish,bewildered,helpless,shesways
likeaplantinthewater.Herhands,outstretched,seemtotrembleintheairlike
blossomsinthewind.Thensheflingsherselfdownbesideasofaandburiesher
face.Hersobsarelikethesobsofachild
ThirdAct
Scene: The Library in Lord Goring:’s house. An Adam room. On the right is the
door leading into the hall. On the left, the door of the smoking-room. A pair of
foldingdoorsatthebackopenintothedrawing-room.Thefireislit.Phipps,the
Butler, is arranging some newspapers on the writing-table. The distinction of
Phippsishisimpassivity.HehasbeentermedbyenthusiaststheIdealButler.The
Sphinxisnotsoincommunicable.Heisamaskwithamanner.Ofhisintellectual
oremotionallife,historyknowsnothing.Herepresentsthedominanceofform.
Enter Lord Goring: in evening dress with a buttonhole. He is wearing a silk hat
andInvernesscape.White-gloved,hecarriesaLouisSeizecane.Hisareallthe
delicate fopperies of Fashion. One sees that he stands in immediate relation to
modern life, makes it indeed, and so masters it. He is the first well-dressed
philosopherinthehistoryofthought
LordGoring:Gotmysecondbuttonholeforme,Phipps?
PhippsYes,mylord.
Takeshishat,cane,andcape,andpresentsnewbuttonholeonsalver
Lord Goring: Rather distinguished thing, Phipps. I am the only person of the
smallestimportanceinLondonatpresentwhowearsabuttonhole.
PhippsYes,mylord.Ihaveobservedthat.
Lord Goring: (taking out old buttonhole) You see, Phipps, Fashion is what one
wearsoneself.Whatisunfashionableiswhatotherpeoplewear.
PhippsYes,mylord.
LordGoring:Justasvulgarityissimplytheconductofotherpeople.
PhippsYes,mylord.
Lord Goring: (putting in new buttonhole) And falsehoods the truths of other
people.
PhippsYes,mylord.
LordGoring:Otherpeoplearequitedreadful.Theonlypossiblesocietyisoneself.
PhippsYes,mylord.
LordGoring:Toloveoneselfisthebeginningofalifelongromance,Phipps.
PhippsYes,mylord.
Lord Goring: (looking at himself in the glass) Don’t think I quite like this
buttonhole,Phipps.Makesmelookalittletooold.Makesmealmostintheprime
oflife,eh,Phipps?
PhippsIdon’tobserveanyalterationinyourlordship’sappearance.
LordGoring:Youdon’t,Phipps?
PhippsNo,mylord.
LordGoring:Iamnotquitesure.Forthefutureamoretrivialbuttonhole,Phipps,
onThursdayevenings.
PhippsIwillspeaktotheflorist,mylord.Shehashadalossinherfamilylately,
whichperhapsaccountsforthelackoftrivialityyourlordshipcomplainsofinthe
buttonhole.
Lord Goring: Extraordinary thing about the lower class in England—they are
alwayslosingtheirrelations.
PhippsYes,mylord!Theyareextremelyfortunateinthatrespect.
LordGoring:(turnsroundandlooksathim.Phippsremainsimpassive)Hum!Any
letters,Phipps?
PhippsThree,mylord.(Handslettersonasalver)
LordGoring:(takesletters)Wantmycabroundintwentyminutes.
PhippsYes,mylord.
Goestowardsdoor
LordGoring:(holdsupletterinpinkenvelope)Ahem!Phipps,whendidthisletter
arrive?
PhippsItwasbroughtbyhandjustafteryourlordshipwenttotheClub.
LordGoring:Thatwilldo.
ExitPhipps
Lady Chiltern:’s handwriting on Lady Chiltern:’s pink notepaper. That is rather
curious.IthoughtRobertwastowrite.WonderwhatLadyChiltern:hasgottosay
to me? (Sits at bureau, opens letter, and reads it) ‘I want you. I trust you. I am
comingtoyou.Gertrude.’(Putsdowntheletterwithapuzzledlook.Thentakesit
up,andreadsitagainslowly)‘Iwantyou.Itrustyou.Iamcomingtoyou.’Soshe
hasfoundouteverything!Poorwoman!Poorwoman!(Pullsoutwatchandlooks
at it) But what an hour to call! Ten o’clock! I shall have to give up going to the
Berkshires’.However,itisalwaysnicetobeexpected,andnottoarrive.Iamnot
expectedattheBachelors’,soIshallcertainlygothere.Well,Iwillmakeherstand
byherhusband.Thatistheonlythingforhertodo.Thatistheonlythingforany
womantodo.Itisthegrowthofthemoralsenseinwomenthatmakesmarriage
such a hopeless, one- sided institution. Ten o’clock. She should be here soon. I
musttellPhippsIamnotintoanyoneelse.
Goestowardsbell.EnterPhipps
PhippsLordCaversham.
Lord Goring: Oh, why will parents always appear at the wrong time? Some
extraordinarymistakeinnature,Isuppose.
EnterLordCaversham:
Delightedtoseeyou,mydearfather.
Goestomeethim
LordCaversham:Takemycloakoff.
LordGoring:Isitworthwhile,father?
Lord Caversham: Of course it is worth while, sir. Which is the most comfortable
chair?
LordGoring:Thisone,father.ItisthechairIusemyself,whenIhavevisitors.
LordCaversham:Thankye.Nodraught,Ihope,inthisroom?
LordGoring:No,father.
LordCaversham:(sittingdown)Gladtohearit.Can’tstanddraughts.Nodraughts
athome.
LordGoring:Goodmanybreezes,father.
Lord Caversham: Eh? Eh? Don’t understand what you mean. Want to have a
seriousconversationwithyou,sir.
LordGoring:Mydearfather!Atthishour?
Lord Caversham: Well, sir, it is only ten o’clock. What is your objection to the
hour?Ithinkthehourisanadmirablehour!
LordGoring:Well,thefactis,father,thisisnotmydayfortalkingseriously.Iam
verysorry,butitisnotmyday.
LordCaversham:Whatdoyoumean,sir?
LordGoring:DuringtheSeason,father,IonlytalkseriouslyonthefirstTuesdayin
everymonth,fromfourtoseven.
LordCaversham:Well,makeitTuesday,sir,makeitTuesday.
LordGoring:Butitisafterseven,father,andmydoctorsaysImustnothaveany
seriousconversationafterseven.Itmakesmetalkinmysleep.
Lord Caversham: Talk in your sleep, sir? What does that matter? You are not
married.
LordGoring:No,father,Iamnotmarried.
Lord Caversham: Hum! That is what I have come to talk to you about, sir. You
havegottogetmarried,andatonce.Why,whenIwasyourage,sir,Ihadbeen
aninconsolablewidowerforthreemonths,andwasalreadypayingmyaddresses
toyouradmirablemother.Damme,sir,itisyourdutytogetmarried.Youcan’tbe
alwayslivingforpleasure.Everymanofpositionismarriednowadays.Bachelors
arenotfashionableanymore.Theyareadamagedlot.Toomuchisknownabout
them.Youmustgetawife,sir.LookwhereyourfriendRobertChilternhasgotto
byprobity,hardwork,andasensiblemarriagewithagoodwoman.Whydon’tyou
imitatehim,sir?Whydon’tyoutakehimforyourmodel?
LordGoring:IthinkIshall,father.
LordCaversham:Iwishyouwould,sir.ThenIshouldbehappy.AtpresentImake
your mother’s life miserable on your account. You are heartless, sir, quite
heartless.
LordGoring:Ihopenot,father.
Lord Caversham: And it is high time for you to get married. You are thirty-four
yearsofage,sir.
LordGoring:Yes,father,butIonlyadmittothirty-two—thirty-oneandhalfwhenI
haveareallygoodbuttonhole.Thisbuttonholeisnot…trivialenough.
LordCaversham:Itellyouyouarethirty-four,sir.Andthereisadraughtinyour
room,besides,whichmakesyourconductworse.Whydidyoutellmetherewas
nodraught,sir?Ifeeladraught,sir,Ifeelitdistinctly.
Lord Goring: So do I, father. It is a dreadful draught. I will come and see you
tomorrow,father.Wecantalkoveranythingyoulike.Letmehelpyouonwithyour
cloak,father.
LordCaversham:No,sir;Ihavecalledthiseveningforadefinitepurpose,andI
amgoingtoseeitthroughatallcoststomyhealthoryours.Putdownmycloak,
sir.
LordGoring:Certainly,father.Butletusgointoanotherroom.(Ringsbell)There
isadreadfuldraughthere.
EnterPhipps
Phipps,isthereagoodfireinthesmoking-room?
PhippsYes,mylord.[Openssmoking-roomdoor]
LordGoring:Comeinthere,father.Yoursneezesarequiteheart-rending.
LordCaversham:Well,sir,IsupposeIhavearighttosneezewhenIchoose?
LordGoring:(apologetically)Quiteso,father.Iwasmerelyexpressingsympathy.
LordCaversham:Oh,damnsympathy.Thereisagreatdealtoomuchofthatsort
ofthinggoingonnowadays.
LordGoring:Iquiteagreewithyou,father.Iftherewaslesssympathyintheworld
therewouldbelesstroubleintheworld.
LordCaversham:(goingtowardsthesmoking-room)Thatisaparadox,sir.Ihate
paradoxes.
LordGoring:SodoI,father.Everybodyonemeetsisaparadoxnowadays.Itisa
greatbore.Itmakessocietysoobvious.
Lord Caversham: (turning round, and looking at his son beneath his bushy
eyebrows)Doyoualwaysreallyunderstandwhatyousay,sir?
LordGoring:(aftersomehesitation)Yes,father,ifIlistenattentively.
LordCaversham:(indignantly)Ifyoulistenattentively!…Conceitedyoungpuppy!
Goesoffgrumblingintothesmoking-room.Phipps[returns]
LordGoring:Phipps,thereisaladycomingtoseemethiseveningonparticular
business.Showherintothedrawing-roomwhenshearrives.Youunderstand?
PhippsYes,mylord.
LordGoring:Itisamatterofthegravestimportance,Phipps.
PhippsIunderstand,mylord.
LordGoring:Nooneelseistobeadmitted,underanycircumstances.
PhippsIunderstand,mylord.
Bellrings
Lord Goring: Ah! that is probably the lady. I shall see her myself. Just as he is
goingtowardsthedoorLordCaversham:entersfromthesmoking-room
LordCaversham:Well,sir?amItowaitattendanceonyou?
LordGoring:(considerablyperplexed)Inamoment,father.Doexcuseme.(Lord
Caversham:goesback)Well,remembermyinstructions,Phipps—intothatroom.
PhippsYes,mylord.
Lord Goring: goes into the smoking-room. Harold, the footman, shows Mrs
Cheveley:in.Lamia-like,sheisingreenandsilver.Shehasacloakofblacksatin,
linedwithdeadrose-leafsilk
HaroldWhatname,madam?
MrsCheveley:(toPhipps,whoadvancestowardsher)IsLordGoring:nothere?I
wastoldhewasathome?
PhippsHislordshipisengagedatpresentwithLordCaversham,madam.
Turnsacold,glassyeyeonHarold,whoatonceretires
MrsCheveley:(toherself)Howveryfilial!
PhippsHislordshiptoldmetoaskyou,madam,tobekindenoughtowaitinthe
drawing-roomforhim.Hislordshipwillcometoyouthere.
MrsCheveley:(withalookofsurprise)LordGoring:expectsme?
PhippsYes,madam.
MrsCheveley:Areyouquitesure?
Phipps His lordship told me that if a lady called I was to ask her to wait in the
drawing-room.(Goestothedoorofthedrawing-roomandopenit)Hislordship’s
directionsonthesubjectwereveryprecise.
Mrs Cheveley: (to herself) How thoughtful of him! To expect the unexpected
showsathoroughlymodernintellect.(Goestowardsthedrawing-roomandlooks
in)Ugh!Howdrearyabachelor’sdrawing-roomalwayslooks.Ishallhavetoalter
all this. (Phipps brings the lamp from the writing-table) No, I don’t care for that
lamp.Itisfartooglaring.Lightsomecandles.
Phipps(replaceslamp)Certainly,madam.
MrsCheveley:Ihopethecandleshaveverybecomingshades.
PhippsWehavehadnocomplaintsaboutthem,madam,asyet.
Passesintothedrawing-roomandbeginstolightthecandles.
MrsCheveley:(toherself)Iwonderwhatwomanheiswaitingfortonight.Itwillbe
delightfultocatchhim.Menalwayslooksosillywhentheyarecaught.Andthey
are always being caught. (looks about room and approaches the writing-table)
What a very interesting room! What a very interesting picture! Wonder what his
correspondence is like. (Takes up letters) Oh, what a very uninteresting
correspondence!Billsandcards,debtsanddowagers!Whoonearthwritestohim
on pink paper? How silly to write on pink paper! It looks like the beginning of a
middle-class romance. Romance should never begin with sentiment. It should
beginwithscienceandendwithasettlement.(Putsletterdown,thentakesitup
again) I know that handwriting. That is Gertrude Chiltern’s. I remember it
perfectly.Thetencommandmentsineverystrokeofthepen,andthemorallawall
overthepage.WonderwhatGertrudeiswritingtohimabout?Somethinghorrid
aboutme,Isuppose.HowIdetestthatwoman!(Readsit)‘Itrustyou.Iwantyou.I
amcomingtoyou.Gertrude.’‘Itrustyou.Iwantyou.Iamcomingtoyou.’
Alookoftriumphcomesoverherface.Sheisjustabouttostealtheletter,when
Phippscomesin
PhippsThecandlesinthedrawing-roomarelit,madam,asyoudirected.
MrsCheveley:Thankyou.
Rises hastily and slips the letter under a large silver-cased blotting-book that is
lyingonthetable
Phipps I trust the shades will be to your liking, madam. They are the most
becoming we have. They are the same as his lordship uses himself when he is
dressingfordinner.
MrsCheveley:(withasmile)ThenIamsuretheywillbeperfectlyright.
Phipps(gravely)Thankyou,madam.
Mrs Cheveley: goes into the drawing-room. Phipps closes the door and retires.
The door is then slowly opened, and Mrs Cheveley: comes out and creeps
stealthilytowardsthewriting-table.Suddenlyvoicesareheardfromthesmokingroom. Mrs Cheveley: grows pale, and stops. The voices grow louder, and she
goesbackintothedrawing-room,bitingherlip.
EnterLordGoring:andLordCaversham:
LordGoring:(expostulating)Mydearfather,ifIamtogetmarried,surelyyouwill
allowmetochoosethetime,place,andperson?Particularlytheperson.
LordCaversham:(testily)Thatisamatterforme,sir.Youwouldprobablymakea
very poor choice. It is I who should be consulted, not you. There is property at
stake.Itisnotamatterforaffection.Affectioncomeslateroninmarriedlife.
LordGoring:Yes.Inmarriedlifeaffectioncomeswhenpeoplethoroughlydislike
eachother,father,doesn’tit?
PutsonLordCaversham’scloakforhim
Lord Caversham: Certainly, sir. I mean certainly not, sir. You are talking very
foolishlytonight.WhatIsayisthatmarriageisamatterforcommonsense.
LordGoring:Butwomenwhohavecommonsensearesocuriouslyplain,father,
aren’tthey?OfcourseIonlyspeakfromhearsay.
Lord Caversham: No woman, plain or pretty, has any common sense at all, sir.
Commonsenseistheprivilegeofoursex.
LordGoring:Quiteso.Andwemenaresoself-sacrificingthatweneveruseit,do
we,father?
LordCaversham:Iuseit,sir.Iusenothingelse.
LordGoring:Somymothertellsme.
Lord Caversham: It is the secret of your mother’s happiness. You are very
heartless,sir,veryheartless.
LordGoring:Ihopenot,father.
Goes out for a moment. Then returns, looking rather put out, with Sir Robert
Chiltern:
SirRobertChiltern:MydearArthur,whatapieceofgoodluckmeetingyouonthe
doorstep!Yourservanthadjusttoldmeyouwerenotathome.Howextraordinary!
Lord Goring: The fact is, I am horribly busy tonight, Robert, and I gave orders I
wasnotathometoanyone.Evenmyfatherhadacomparativelycoldreception.
Hecomplainedofadraughtthewholetime.
Sir Robert Chiltern: Ah! you must be at home to me, Arthur. You are my best
friend. Perhaps by tomorrow you will be my only friend. My wife has discovered
everything.
LordGoring:Ah!Iguessedasmuch!
SirRobertChiltern:(lookingathim)Really!How?
LordGoring:(aftersomehesitation)Ohmerelybysomethingintheexpressionof
yourfaceasyoucamein.Whotoldher?
Sir Robert Chiltern: Mrs Cheveley: herself. And the woman I love knows that I
beganmycareerwithanactoflowdishonesty,thatIbuiltupmylifeuponsands
ofshame—thatIsold,likeacommonhuckster,thesecretthathadbeenintrusted
tomeasamanofhonour.IthankheavenpoorLordRadleydiedwithoutknowing
that I betrayed him. I would to God I had died before I had been so horribly
tempted,orhadfallensolow.
Buryinghisfaceinhishands.[Apause]
LordGoring:YouhaveheardnothingfromViennayet,inanswertoyourwire?
Sir Robert Chiltern: (looking up) Yes; I got a telegram from the first secretary at
eighto’clocktonight.
LordGoring:Well?
SirRobertChiltern:Nothingisabsolutelyknownagainsther.Onthecontrary,she
occupies a rather high position in society. It is a sort of open secret that Baron
Arnheim left her the greater portion of his immense fortune. Beyond that I can
learnnothing.
LordGoring:Shedoesn’tturnouttobeaspy,then?
SirRobertChiltern:Oh!spiesareofnousenowadays.Theirprofessionisover.
Thenewspapersdotheirworkinstead.
LordGoring:Andthunderinglywelltheydoit.
Sir Robert Chiltern: Arthur, I am parched with thirst. May I ring for something?
Somehockandseltzer?
LordGoring:Certainly.Letme.
Ringsthebell
SirRobertChiltern:Thanks!Idon’tknowwhattodo,Arthur,Idon’tknowwhatto
do, and you are my only friend. But what a friend you are—the one friend I can
trust.Icantrustyouabsolutely,can’tI?
EnterPhipps
Lord Goring: My dear Robert, of course. Oh! (To Phipps) Bring some hock and
seltzer.
PhippsYes,mylord.
LordGoring:AndPhipps!
PhippsYes,mylord.
Lord Goring: Will you excuse me for a moment, Robert? I want to give some
directionstomyservant.
SirRobertChiltern:Certainly.
Lord Goring: When that lady calls, tell her that I am not expected home this
evening.TellherthatIhavebeensuddenlycalledoutoftown.Youunderstand?
PhippsTheladyisinthatroom,mylord.Youtoldmetoshowherintothatroom,
mylord.
LordGoring:Youdidperfectlyright.
ExitPhipps
What a mess I am in. No; I think I shall get through it. I’ll give her a lecture
throughthedoor.Awkwardthingtomanage,though.
Sir Robert Chiltern: Arthur, tell me what I should do. My life seems to have
crumbledaboutme.Iamashipwithoutarudderinanightwithoutastar.
LordGoring:Robert,youloveyourwife,don’tyou?
Sir Robert Chiltern: I love her more than anything in the world. I used to think
ambition the great thing. It is not. Love is the great thing in the world. There is
nothingbutlove,andIloveher.ButIamdefamedinhereyes.Iamignobleinher
eyes. There is a wide gulf between us now. She has found me out, Arthur, she
hasfoundmeout.
LordGoring:Hassheneverinherlifedonesomefolly—someindiscretion—that
sheshouldnotforgiveyoursin?
Sir Robert Chiltern: My wife! Never! She does not know what weakness or
temptationis.Iamofclaylikeothermen.Shestandsapartasgoodwomendo—
pitilessinherperfection—coldandsternandwithoutmercy.ButIloveher,Arthur.
Wearechildless,andIhavenooneelsetolove,nooneelsetoloveme.Perhaps
ifGodhadsentuschildrenshemighthavebeenkindertome.ButGodhasgiven
usalonelyhouse.Andshehascutmyheartintwo.Don’tletustalkofit.Iwas
brutaltoherthisevening.ButIsupposewhensinnerstalktosaintstheyarebrutal
always. I said to her things that were hideously true, on my side, from my
standpoint,fromthestandpointofmen.Butdon’tletustalkofthat.
Lord Goring: Your wife will forgive you. Perhaps at this moment she is forgiving
you.Shelovesyou,Robert.Whyshouldshenotforgive?
SirRobertChiltern:Godgrantit!Godgrantit!(Burieshisfaceinhishands)But
thereissomethingmoreIhavetotellyou,Arthur.
EnterPhippswithdrinks
Phipps(handshockandseltzertoSirRobertChiltern)Hockandseltzer,sir.
SirRobertChiltern:Thankyou.
LordGoring:Isyourcarriagehere,Robert?
SirRobertChiltern:No;Iwalkedfromtheclub.
LordGoring:SirRobertwilltakemycab,Phipps.
PhippsYes,mylord.
Exit
LordGoring:Robert,youdon’tmindmysendingyouaway?
SirRobertChiltern:Arthur,youmustletmestayforfiveminutes.Ihavemadeup
mymindwhatIamgoingtodotonightintheHouse.ThedebateontheArgentine
Canalistobeginateleven.(Achairfallsinthedrawing-room)Whatisthat?
LordGoring:Nothing.
Sir Robert Chiltern: I heard a chair fall in the next room. Someone has been
listening.
LordGoring:No,no;thereisnoonethere.
SirRobertChiltern:Thereissomeone.Therearelightsintheroom,andthedoor
isajar.Someonehasbeenlisteningtoeverysecretofmylife.Arthur,whatdoes
thismean?
LordGoring:Robert,youareexcited,unnerved.Itellyouthereisnooneinthat
room.Sitdown,Robert.
SirRobertChiltern:Doyougivemeyourwordthatthereisnoonethere?
LordGoring:Yes.
SirRobertChiltern:Yourwordofhonour?(Sitsdown)
LordGoring:Yes.
SirRobertChiltern:(rises)Arthur,letmeseeformyself.
LordGoring:No,no.
Sir Robert Chiltern: If there is no one there why should I not look in that room?
Arthur,youmustletmegointothatroomandsatisfymyself.Letmeknowthatno
eavesdropperhasheardmylife’ssecret.Arthur,youdon’trealizewhatIamgoing
through.
Lord Goring: Robert, this must stop. I have told you that there is no one in that
room—thatisenough.
Sir Robert Chiltern: (rushes to the door of the room) It is not enough. I insist on
goingintothisroom.Youhavetoldmethereisnoonethere,sowhatreasoncan
youhaveforrefusingme?
LordGoring:ForGod’ssake,don’t!Thereissomeonethere.Someonewhomyou
mustnotsee.
SirRobertChiltern:Ah,Ithoughtso!
LordGoring:Iforbidyoutoenterthatroom.
SirRobertChiltern:Standback.Mylifeisatstake.AndIdon’tcarewhoisthere.I
willknowwhoitistowhomIhavetoldmysecretandmyshame.
Entersroom
LordGoring:GreatHeavens!hisownwife!
SirRobertChiltern:comesback,withalookofscornandangeronhisface
SirRobertChiltern:Whatexplanationhaveyoutogivemeforthepresenceofthat
womanhere?
LordGoring:Robert,Isweartoyouonmyhonourthatthatladyisstainlessand
guiltlessofalloffencetowardsyou.
SirRobertChiltern:Sheisavile,aninfamousthing!
LordGoring:Don’tsaythat,Robert!Itwasforyoursakeshecamehere.Itwasto
tryandsaveyoushecamehere.Shelovesyouandnooneelse.
SirRobertChiltern:Youaremad.WhathaveItodowithherintrigueswithyou?
Letherremainyourmistress!Youarewellsuitedtoeachother.She,corruptand
shameful—you,falseasafriend,treacherousasanenemyeven—
LordGoring:Itisnottrue,Robert.Beforeheaven,itisnottrue.Inherpresence
andinyoursIwillexplainall.
Sir Robert Chiltern: Let me pass, sir. You have lied enough upon your word of
honour.
Sir Robert Chiltern: goes out. Lord Goring: rushes to the door of the drawingroom,whenMrsCheveley:comesout,lookingradiantandmuchamused
MrsCheveley:(withamockcurtsey)Goodevening,LordGoring!
LordGoring:MrsCheveley!Greatheavens!…MayIaskwhatyouweredoingin
mydrawing-room?
Mrs Cheveley: Merely listening. I have a perfect passion for listening through
keyholes.Onealwayshearssuchwonderfulthingsthroughthem.
LordGoring:Doesn’tthatsoundratherliketemptingProvidence?
MrsCheveley:Oh!surelyProvidencecanresisttemptationbythistime.
Makesasigntohimtotakehercloakoff,whichhedoes
LordGoring:Iamgladyouhavecalled.Iamgoingtogiveyousomegoodadvice.
MrsCheveley:Oh!praydon’t.Oneshouldnevergiveawomananythingthatshe
can’twearintheevening.
LordGoring:Iseeyouarequiteaswilfulasyouusedtobe.
MrsCheveley:Farmore!Ihavegreatlyimproved.Ihavehadmoreexperience.
Lord Goring: Too much experience is a dangerous thing. Pray have a cigarette.
Half the pretty women in London smoke cigarettes. Personally I prefer the other
half.
Mrs Cheveley: Thanks. I never smoke. My dressmaker wouldn’t like it, and a
woman’sfirstdutyinlifeistoherdressmaker,isn’tit?Whattheseconddutyis,no
onehasasyetdiscovered.
LordGoring:YouhavecomeheretosellmeRobertChiltern’sletter,haven’tyou?
MrsCheveley:Toofferittoyouonconditions.Howdidyouguessthat?
Lord Goring: Because you haven’t mentioned the subject. Have you got it with
you?
MrsCheveley:(sittingdown)Oh,no!Awell-madedresshasnopockets.
LordGoring:Whatisyourpriceforit?
Mrs Cheveley: How absurdly English you are! The English think that a chequebookcansolveeveryprobleminlife.Why,mydearArthur,Ihaveverymuchmore
money than you have, and quite as much as Robert Chiltern has got hold of.
MoneyisnotwhatIwant.
LordGoring:Whatdoyouwantthen,MrsCheveley?
MrsCheveley:Whydon’tyoucallmeLaura?
LordGoring:Idon’tlikethename.
MrsCheveley:Youusedtoadoreit.
LordGoring:Yes:that’swhy.
MrsCheveley:motionstohimtositdownbesideher.Hesmiles,anddoesso
MrsCheveley:Arthur,youlovedmeonce.
LordGoring:Yes.
MrsCheveley:Andyouaskedmetobeyourwife.
LordGoring:Thatwasthenaturalresultofmylovingyou.
Mrs Cheveley: And you threw me over because you saw, or said you saw, poor
oldLordMortlaketryingtohaveaviolentflirtationwithmeintheconservatoryat
Tenby.
LordGoring:Iamundertheimpressionthatmylawyersettledthatmatterwithyou
oncertainterms…dictatedbyyourself.
MrsCheveley:AtthetimeIwaspoor;youwererich.
LordGoring:Quiteso.Thatiswhyyourpretendedtoloveme.
Mrs Cheveley: (shrugging her shoulders) Poor old Lord Mortlake, who had only
two topics of conversation, his gout and his wife! I never could quite make out
whichofthetwohewastalkingabout.Heusedthemosthorriblelanguageabout
them both. Well, you were silly, Arthur. Why, Lord Mortlake was never anything
more to me than an amusement. One of those utterly tedious amusements one
onlyfindsatanEnglishcountryhouseonanEnglishcountrySunday.Idon’tthink
anyone at all morally responsible for what he or she does at an English country
house.
LordGoring:Yes.Iknowlotsofpeoplethinkthat.
MrsCheveley:Ilovedyou,Arthur.
LordGoring:MydearMrsCheveley,youhavealwaysbeenfartooclevertoknow
anythingaboutlove.
Mrs Cheveley: I did love you. And you loved me. You know you loved me; and
love is a very wonderful thing. I suppose that when a man has once loved a
woman,hewilldoanythingforher,exceptcontinuetoloveher?(Putsherhand
onhis)
LordGoring:(takinghishandawayquietly)Yes:exceptthat.
[Apause]
MrsCheveley:Iamtiredoflivingabroad.IwanttocomebacktoLondon.Iwant
tohaveacharminghousehere.Iwanttohaveasalon.Ifonecouldonlyteach
theEnglishhowtotalk,andtheIrishhow
to listen, society here would be quite civilized. Besides, I have arrived at the
romanticstage.WhenIsawyoulastnightattheChilterns’,Iknewyouwerethe
onlypersonIhadevercaredfor,ifIeverhavecaredforanybody,Arthur.Andso,
on the morning of the day you marry me, I will give you Robert Chiltern’s letter.
Thatismyoffer.Iwillgiveittoyounow,ifyoupromisetomarryme.
LordGoring:Now?
MrsCheveley:(smiling)Tomorrow.
LordGoring:Areyoureallyserious?
MrsCheveley:Yes,quiteserious.
LordGoring:Ishouldmakeyouaverybadhusband.
Mrs Cheveley: I don’t mind bad husbands. I have had two. They amused me
immensely.
LordGoring:Youmeanthatyouamusedyourselfimmensely,don’tyou?
MrsCheveley:Whatdoyouknowaboutmymarriedlife?
LordGoring:Nothing:butIcanreaditlikeabook.
MrsCheveley:Whatbook?
LordGoring:(rising)TheBookofNumbers.
MrsCheveley:Doyouthinkitisquitecharmingofyoutobesorudetoawoman
inyourownhouse?
Lord Goring: In the case of very fascinating women, sex is a challenge, not a
defence.
MrsCheveley:Isupposethatismeantforacompliment.MydearArthur,women
are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference
betweenthetwosexes.
LordGoring:Womenareneverdisarmedbyanything,asfarasIknowthem.
[Apause]
MrsCheveley:Thenyouaregoingtoallowyourgreatestfriend,RobertChiltern,
toberuined,ratherthanmarrysomeonewhoreallyhasconsiderableattractions
left.Ithoughtyouwouldhaverisentosomegreatheightofself-sacrifice,Arthur.I
thinkyoushould.Andtherestofyourlifeyoucouldspendincontemplatingyour
ownperfections.
LordGoring:Oh!Idothatasitis.Andself-sacrificeisathingthatshouldbeput
downbylaw.Itissodemoralizingtothepeopleforwhomonesacrificesoneself.
Theyalwaysgotothebad.
Mrs Cheveley: As if anything could demoralize Robert Chiltern! You seem to
forgetthatIknowhisrealcharacter.
LordGoring:Whatyouknowabouthimisnothisrealcharacter.Itwasanactof
follydoneinhisyouth,dishonourable,Iadmit,shameful,Iadmit,unworthyofhim,
Iadmit,andtherefore…nothistruecharacter.
MrsCheveley:Howyoumenstandupforeachother!
LordGoring:Howyouwomenwaragainsteachother!
MrsCheveley:(bitterly)Ionlywaragainstonewoman,againstGertrudeChiltern.I
hateher.Ihatehernowmorethanever.
LordGoring:Becauseyouhavebroughtarealtragedyintoherlife,Isuppose.
MrsCheveley:(withasneer)Oh,thereisonlyonerealtragedyinawoman’slife.
Thefactthatherpastisalwaysherlover,andherfutureinvariablyherhusband.
Lord Goring: Lady Chiltern: knows nothing of the kind of life to which you are
alluding.
MrsCheveley:Awomanwhosesizeinglovesissevenandthree-quartersnever
knows much about anything. You know Gertrude has always worn seven and
three-quarters? That is one of the reasons why there was never any moral
sympathy between us.… Well, Arthur, I suppose this romantic interview may be
regardedasatanend.Youadmititwasromantic,don’tyou?Fortheprivilegeof
beingyourwifeIwasreadytosurrenderagreatprize,theclimaxofmydiplomatic
career.Youdecline.Verywell.IfSirRobertdoesn’tupholdmyArgentinescheme,
Iexposehim.Voilàtout.
LordGoring:Youmustn’tdothat.Itwouldbevile,horrible,infamous.
MrsCheveley:(shrugginghershoulders)Oh!don’tusebigwords.Theymeanso
little. It is a commercial transaction. That is all. There is no good mixing
sentimentalityinit.IofferedtosellRobertChilternacertainthing.Ifhewon’tpay
memyprice,hewillhavetopaytheworldagreaterprice.Thereisnomoretobe
said.Imustgo.Good-bye.Won’tyoushakehands?
LordGoring:Withyou?No.YourtransactionwithRobertChilternmaypassasa
loathsomecommercialtransactionofaloathsomecommercialage;butyouseem
to have forgotten that you came her tonight to talk of love, you whose lips
desecratedthewordlove,youtowhomthethingisabookcloselysealed,went
this afternoon to the house of one of the most noble and gentle women in the
worldtodegradeherhusbandinhereyes,totryandkillherloveforhim,toput
poison in her heart, and bitterness in her life, to break her idol, and, it may be,
spoilhersoul.ThatIcannotforgiveyou.Thatwashorrible.Forthattherecanbe
noforgiveness.
Mrs Cheveley: Arthur, you are unjust to me. Believe me, you are quite unjust to
me.Ididn’tgototauntGertrudeatall.Ihadnoideaofdoinganythingofthekind
whenIentered.IcalledwithLadyMarkby:simplytoaskwhetheranornament,a
jewel, that I lost somewhere last night, had been found at the Chilterns’. If you
don’tbelieveme,youcanaskLadyMarkby.Shewilltellyouitistrue.Thescene
thatoccurredhappenedafterLadyMarkby:hadleft,andwasreallyforcedonme
byGertrude’srudenessandsneers.Icalled,oh!—alittleoutofmaliceifyoulike—
butreallytoaskifadiamondbroochofminehadbeenfound.Thatwastheorigin
ofthewholething.
LordGoring:Adiamondsnake-broochwitharuby?
MrsCheveley:Yes.Howdoyouknow?
Lord Goring: Because it is found. In point of fact, I found it myself, and stupidly
forgot to tell the butler anything about it as I was leaving. (Goes over to the
writing-tableandpullsoutthedrawers)Itisinthisdrawer.No,thatone.Thisisthe
brooch,isn’tit?
Holdsupthebrooch
MrsCheveley:Yes.Iamsogladtogetitback.Itwas…apresent.
LordGoring:Won’tyouwearit?
Mrs Cheveley: Certainly, if you pin it in. (Lord Goring: suddenly clasps it on her
arm) Why do you put it on as a bracelet? I never knew it could be worn as a
bracelet.
LordGoring:Really?
MrsCheveley:(holdingoutherhandsomearm)No;butitlooksverywellonmeas
abracelet,doesn’tit?
LordGoring:Yes;muchbetterthanwhenIsawitlast.
MrsCheveley:Whendidyouseeitlast?
LordGoring:(calmly)Oh,tenyearsago,onLadyBerkshire,fromwhomyoustole
it.
MrsCheveley:(starting)Whatdoyoumean?
LordGoring:Imeanthatyoustolethatornamentfrommycousin,MaryBerkshire,
to whom I gave it when she was married. Suspicion fell on a wretched servant,
who was sent away in disgrace. I recognized it last night. I determined to say
nothing about it till I had found the thief. I have found the thief now, and I have
heardherownconfession.
MrsCheveley:(tossingherhead)Itisnottrue.
Lord Goring: You know it is true. Why, thief is written across your face at this
moment.
MrsCheveley:Iwilldenythewholeaffairfrombeginningtoend.IwillsaythatI
haveneverseenthiswretchedthing,thatitwasneverinmypossession.
MrsCheveley:triestogetthebraceletoffherarm,butfails.LordGoring:lookson
amused.Herthinfingerstearatthejeweltonopurpose.Acursebreaksfromher
Lord Goring: The drawback of stealing a thing, Mrs Cheveley, is that one never
knowshowwonderfulthethingthatonestealsis.Youcan’tgetthatbraceletoff,
unlessyouknowwherethespringis.AndIseeyoudon’tknowwherethespring
is.Itisratherdifficulttofind.
MrsCheveley:Youbrute!Youcoward!
Shetriesagaintounclaspthebracelet,butfails
LordGoring:Oh!don’tusebigwords.Theymeansolittle.
MrsCheveley:(againtearsatthebraceletinaparoxysmofrage,withinarticulate
sounds.Thenstops,andlooksatLordGoring)Whatareyougoingtodo?
LordGoring:Iamgoingtoringformyservant.Heisanadmirableservant.Always
comesinthemomentoneringsforhim.WhenhecomesIwilltellhimtofetchthe
police.
MrsCheveley:(trembling)Thepolice?Whatfor?
LordGoring:TomorrowtheBerkshireswillprosecuteyou.Thatiswhatthepolice
arefor.
Mrs Cheveley: (is now in an agony of physical terror. Her face is distorted. Her
mouthawry.Amaskhasfallenfromher.Sheis,forthemoment,dreadfultolook
at)Don’tdothat.Iwilldoanythingyouwant.Anythingintheworldyouwant.
LordGoring:GivemeRobertChiltern’sletter.
MrsCheveley:Stop!Stop!Letmehavetimetothink.
LordGoring:GivemeRobertChiltern’sletter.
MrsCheveley:Ihavenotgotitwithme.Iwillgiveittoyoutomorrow.
LordGoring:Youknowyouarelying.Giveittomeatonce.(MrsCheveley:pulls
theletterout,andhandsittohim.Sheishorriblypale)Thisisit?
MrsCheveley:(inahoarsevoice)Yes.
LordGoring:(takestheletter,examinesit,sighs,andburnsitoverthelamp)For
so well-dressed a woman, Mrs Cheveley, you have moments of admirable
commonsense.Icongratulateyou.
Mrs Cheveley: (catches sight of Lady Chiltern:’s letter, the cover of which is just
showingfromundertheblotting-book)Pleasegetmeaglassofwater.
LordGoring:Certainly.
Goestothecorneroftheroomandpoursoutaglassofwater.Whilehisbackis
turned Mrs Cheveley: steals Lady Chiltern:’s letter. When Lord Goring: returns
withtheglasssherefusesitwithagesture
MrsCheveley:Thankyou.Willyouhelpmeonwithmycloak?
LordGoring:Withpleasure.
Putshercloakon
MrsCheveley:Thanks.IamnevergoingtotrytoharmRobertChilternagain.
LordGoring:Fortunatelyyouhavenotthechance,MrsCheveley.
Mrs Cheveley: Well, even if I had the chance, I wouldn’t. On the contrary, I am
goingtorenderhimagreatservice.
LordGoring:Iamcharmedtohearit.Itisareformation.
MrsCheveley:Yes.Ican’tbearsouprightagentleman,sohonourableanEnglish
gentleman,beingsoshamefullydeceived,andso—
LordGoring:Well?
Mrs Cheveley: I find that somehow Gertrude Chiltern’s dying speech and
confessionhasstrayedintomypocket.
LordGoring:Whatdoyoumean?
MrsCheveley:(withabitternoteoftriumphinhervoice)ImeanthatIamgoingto
sendRobertChilterntheloveletterhiswifewrotetoyoutonight.
LordGoring:Loveletter?
MrsCheveley:(laughing)‘Iwantyou.Itrustyou,Iamcomingtoyou.Gertrude.’
LordGoring:rushestothebureauandtakesuptheenvelope,findsitempty,and
turnsround
LordGoring:Youwretchedwoman,mustyoualwaysbethieving?Givemeback
thatletter.I’lltakeitfromyoubyforce.YoushallnotleavemyroomtillIhavegot
it.
Herushestowardsher,butMrsCheveley:atonceputsherhandontheelectric
bell that is on the table. The bell sounds with shrill reverberations, and Phipps
enters.[Apause]
Mrs Cheveley: Lord Goring: merely rang that you should show me out. Good
night,LordGoring!
GoesoutfollowedbyPhipps.Herfaceisilluminedwitheviltriumph.Thereisjoy
inhereyes.Youthseemstohavecomebacktoher.Herlastglanceislikeaswift
arrow.LordGoring:biteshislip,andlightsacigarette.
FourthAct
Scene:SameasActII.
Lord Goring is standing by the fireplace with his hands in his pockets. He is
lookingratherbored
Lord Goring: (pulls out his watch, inspects it, and rings the bell) It is a great
nuisance.Ican’tfindanyoneinthishousetotalkto.AndIamfullofinteresting
information.Ifeellikethelatesteditionofsomethingorother.
Enterservant
JamesSirRobertisstillattheForeignOffice,mylord.
LordGoring:LadyChilternnotdownyet?
JamesHerladyshiphasnotyetleftherroom.MissChilternhasjustcomeinfrom
riding.
LordGoring:(tohimself)Ah!thatissomething.
JamesLordCaversham:hasbeenwaitingsometimeinthelibraryforSirRobert.I
toldhimyourlordshipwashere.
LordGoring:Thankyou.WouldyoukindlytellhimI’vegone?
James(bowing)Ishalldoso,mylord.
Exitservant
LordGoring:Really,Idon’twanttomeetmyfatherthreedaysrunning.Itisagreat
deal too much excitement for any son. I hope to goodness he won’t come up.
Fathersshouldbeneitherseennorheard.Thatistheonlyproperbasisforfamily
life.Mothersaredifferent.Mothersaredarlings.
Throws himself down into a chair, picks up a paper and begins to read it. Enter
LordCaversham:
LordCaversham:Well,sir,whatareyoudoinghere?Wastingyourtimeasusual,I
suppose?
LordGoring:(throwsdownpaperandrises)Mydearfather,whenonepaysavisit
itisforthepurposeofwastingotherpeople’stime,notone’sown.
Lord Caversham: Have you been thinking over what I spoke to you about last
night?
LordGoring:Ihavebeenthinkingaboutnothingelse.
LordCaversham:Engagedtobemarriedyet?
LordGoring:(genially)Notyet;butIhopetobebeforelunch-time.
Lord Caversham: (caustically) You can have till dinner-time if it would be of any
conveniencetoyou.
LordGoring:Thanksawfully,butIthinkI’dsoonerbeengagedbeforelunch.
LordCaversham:Humph!Neverknowwhenyouareseriousornot.
LordGoring:NeitherdoIfather.
Apause
LordCaversham:IsupposeyouhavereadTheTimesthismorning?
LordGoring:(airily):TheTimes?Certainlynot.IonlyreadTheMorningPost.All
that one should know about modern life is where the Duchesses are; anything
elseisquitedemoralizing.
Lord Caversham: Do you mean to say you have not read The Times leading
articleonRobertChiltern’scareer?
LordGoring:Goodheavens!No.Whatdoesitsay?
Lord Caversham: What should it say, sir? Everything complimentary, of course.
Chiltern’sspeechlastnightonthisArgentineCanalschemewasoneofthefinest
piecesoforatoryeverdeliveredintheHousesinceCanning.
LordGoring:Ah!NeverheardofCanning.Neverwantedto.Anddid…didChiltern
upholdthescheme?
Lord Caversham: Uphold it, sir? How little you know him! Why, he denounced it
roundly, and the whole system of modern political finance. This speech is the
turning-pointinhiscareer,asTheTimespointsout.Youshouldreadthisarticle,
sir. (Opens The Times) ‘Sir Robert Chiltern… most rising of all our young
statesmen… Brilliant orator… Unblemished career… Well-known integrity of
character…RepresentswhatisbestinEnglishpubliclife…Noblecontrasttothe
laxmoralitysocommonamongforeignpoliticians.’Theywillneversaythatofyou,
sir.
LordGoring:Isincerelyhopenot,father.However,Iamdelightedatwhatyoutell
meaboutRobert,thoroughlydelighted.Itshowshehasgotpluck.
LordCaversham:Hehasgotmorethanpluck,sir,hehasgotgenius.
LordGoring:Ah!Ipreferpluck.Itisnotsocommon,nowadays,asgeniusis.
LordCaversham:IwishyouwouldgointoParliament.
LordGoring:Mydearfather,onlypeoplewholookdullevergetintotheHouseof
Commons,andonlypeoplewhoaredulleversucceedthere.
LordCaversham:Whydon’tyoutrytodosomethingusefulinlife?
LordGoring:Iamfartooyoung.
LordCaversham:(testily)Ihatethisaffectationofyouth,sir.Itisagreatdealtoo
prevalentnowadays.
LordGoring:Youthisn’tanaffectation.Youthisanart.
LordCaversham:Whydon’tyouproposetothatprettyMissChiltern?
LordGoring:Iamofaverynervousdisposition,especiallyinthemorning.
Lord Caversham: I don’t suppose there is the smallest chance of her accepting
you.
LordGoring:Idon’tknowhowthebettingstandstoday.
LordCaversham:IfshedidacceptyoushewouldbetheprettiestfoolinEngland.
Lord Goring: That is just what I should like to marry. A thoroughly sensible wife
wouldreducemetoaconditionofabsoluteidiocyinlessthensixmonths.
LordCaversham:Youdon’tdeserveher,sir.
Lord Goring: My dear father, if we men married the women we deserved, we
shouldhaveaverybadtimeofit.
EnterMabelChiltern:
MabelChiltern:Oh!…Howdoyoudo,LordCaversham?IhopeLadyCaversham
isquitewell?
LordCaversham:LadyCavershamisasusual,asusual.
LordGoring:Goodmorning,MissMabel!
Mabel Chiltern: (taking no notice at all of Lord Goring, and addressing herself
exclusivelytoLordCaversham)AndLadyCaversham’sbonnets…aretheyatall
better?
LordCaversham:Theyhavehadaseriousrelapse,Iamsorrytosay.
LordGoring:Goodmorning,MissMabel!
MabelChiltern:(toLordCaversham)Ihopeanoperationwillnotbenecessary.
Lord Caversham: (smiling at her pertness) If it is, we shall have to give Lady
Caversham a narcotic. Otherwise she would never consent to have a feather
touched.
LordGoring:(withincreasedemphasis)Goodmorning,MissMabel!
MabelChiltern:(turningroundwithfeignedsurprise)Oh,areyouhere?Ofcourse
you understand that after your breaking your appointment I am never going to
speaktoyouagain.
LordGoring:Oh,pleasedon’tsaysuchathing.YouaretheonepersoninLondon
Ireallyliketohavetolistentome.
MabelChiltern:LordGoring,IneverbelieveasinglewordthateitheryouorIsay
toeachother.
Lord Caversham: You are quite right, my dear, quite right… as far as he is
concerned,Imean.
Mabel Chiltern: Do you think you could possibly make your son behave a little
betteroccasionally?Justasachange.
LordCaversham:Iregrettosay,MissChiltern,thatIhavenoinfluenceatallover
myson.IwishIhad.IfIhad,IknowwhatIwouldmakehimdo.
MabelChiltern:Iamafraidthathehasoneofthoseterriblyweaknaturesthatare
notsusceptibletoinfluence.
LordCaversham:Heisveryheartless,veryheartless.
LordGoring:ItseemstomethatIamalittleinthewayhere.
MabelChiltern:Itisverygoodforyoutobeintheway,andtoknowwhatpeople
sayofyoubehindyourback.
LordGoring:Idon’tatalllikeknowingwhatpeoplesayofmebehindmyback.It
makesmefartooconceited.
LordCaversham:Afterthat,mydear,Ireallymustbidyougoodmorning.
Mabel Chiltern: Oh! I hope you are not going to leave me all alone with Lord
Goring?Especiallyatsuchanearlyhourintheday.
LordCaversham:IamafraidIcan’ttakehimwithmetoDowningStreet.Itisnot
thePrimeMinister’sdayforseeingtheunemployed.
ShakeshandswithMabelChiltern,takesuphishatandstick,andgoesout,with
apartingglareofindignationatLordGoring:
Mabel Chiltern: (takes up roses and begins to arrange them in a bowl on the
table)Peoplewhodon’tkeeptheirappointmentsintheParkarehorrid.
LordGoring:Detestable.
Mabel Chiltern: I am glad you admit it. But I wish you wouldn’t look so pleased
aboutit.
LordGoring:Ican’thelpit.IalwayslookpleasedwhenIamwithyou.
MabelChiltern:(sadly)ThenIsupposeitismydutytoremainwithyou?
LordGoring:Ofcourseitis.
Mabel Chiltern: Well, my duty is a thing I never do, on principle. It always
depressesme.SoIamafraidImustleaveyou.
LordGoring:Pleasedon’t,MissMabel.Ihavesomethingveryparticulartosayto
you.
MabelChiltern:(rapturously)Oh,isitaproposal?
LordGoring:(somewhattakenaback)Well,yes,itis—Iamboundtosayitis.
Mabel Chiltern: (with a sigh of pleasure) I am so glad. That makes the second
today.
Lord Goring: (indignantly) The second today? What conceited ass has been
impertinentenoughtodaretoproposetoyoubeforeIhadproposedtoyou?
MabelChiltern:TommyTrafford,ofcourse.ItisoneofTommy’sdayforproposing.
HealwaysproposesonTuesdaysandThursdays,duringtheseason.
LordGoring:Youdidn’taccepthim,Ihope?
MabelChiltern:ImakeitarulenevertoacceptTommy.Thatiswhyhegoeson
proposing.Ofcourse,asyoudidn’tturnupthismorning,Iverynearlysaidyes.It
would have been an excellent lesson both for him and for you if I had. It would
havetaughtyoubothbettermanners.
LordGoring:Oh!botherTommyTrafford.Tommyisasillylittleass.Iloveyou.
MabelChiltern:Iknow.AndIthinkyoumighthavementioneditbefore.IamsureI
havegivenyouheapsofopportunities.
LordGoring:Mabel,dobeserious.Pleasebeserious.
MabelChiltern:Ah!thatisthesortofthingamanalwayssaystoagirlbeforehe
hasbeenmarriedtoher.Heneversaysitafterwards.
LordGoring:(takingholdofherhand)Mabel,IhavetoldyouthatIloveyou.Can’t
youlovemealittleinreturn?
MabelChiltern:YousillyArthur!Ifyouknewanythingabout…anything,whichyou
don’t,youwouldknowthatIadoreyou.EveryoneinLondonknowsitexceptyou.
ItisapublicscandalthewayIadoreyou.Ihavebeengoingaboutforthelastsix
monthstellingthewholeofsocietythatIadoreyou.Iwonderyouconsenttohave
anythingtosaytome.Ihavenocharacterleftatall.Atleast,IfeelsohappythatI
amquitesureIhavenocharacterleftatall.
Lord Goring: (catches her in his arms and kisses her. Then there is a pause of
bliss)Dear!DoyouknowIwasawfullyafraidofbeingrefused!
Mabel Chiltern: (looking up at him) But you never have been refused yet by
anybody,haveyou,Arthur?Ican’timagineanyonerefusingyou.
Lord Goring: (after kissing her again) Of course I’m not nearly good enough for
you,Mabel.
MabelChiltern:(nestlingclosetohim)Iamsoglad,darling.Iwasafraidyouwere.
LordGoring:(aftersomehesitation)AndI’m…I’malittleoverthirty.
MabelChiltern:Dear,youlookweeksyoungerthanthat.
LordGoring:(enthusiastically)Howsweetofyoutosayso!…Anditisonlyfairto
tellyoufranklythatIamfearfullyextravagant.
Mabel Chiltern: But so am I, Arthur. So we’re sure to agree. And now I must go
andseeGertrude.
LordGoring:Mustyoureally?
Kissesher
MabelChiltern:Yes.
LordGoring:ThendotellherIwanttotalktoherparticularly.Ihavebeenwaiting
hereallthemorningtoseeeitherherorRobert.
MabelChiltern:Doyoumeantosayyoudidn’tcomehereexpresslytoproposeto
me?
LordGoring:(triumphantly)No;thatwasaflashofgenius.
MabelChiltern:Yourfirst.
LordGoring:(withdetermination)Mylast.
MabelChiltern:Iamdelightedtohearit.Nowdon’tstir.I’llbebackinfiveminutes.
Anddon’tfallintoanytemptationswhileIamaway.
Lord Goring: Dear Mabel, while you are away, there are none. It makes me
horriblydependentonyou.
EnterLadyChiltern:
LadyChiltern:Goodmorning,dear!Howprettyyouarelooking!
MabelChiltern:Howpaleyouarelooking,Gertrude!Itismostbecoming!
LadyChiltern:Goodmorning,LordGoring!
LordGoring:(bowing)Goodmorning,LadyChiltern.
Mabel Chiltern: (aside to Lord Goring) I shall be in the conservatory, under the
secondpalmtreeontheleft.
LordGoring:Secondontheleft?
MabelChiltern:(withalookofmocksurprise)Yes;theusualpalmtree.
Blowsakisstohim,unobservedbyLadyChiltern,andgoesout
LordGoring:LadyChiltern,Ihaveacertainamountofverygoodnewstotellyou.
Mrs Cheveley: gave me up Robert’s letter last night, and I burned it. Robert is
safe.
LadyChiltern:(sinkingonthesofa)Safe!Oh!Iamsogladofthat.Whatagood
friendyouaretohim—tous!
LordGoring:Thereisonlyonepersonnowthatcouldbesaidtobeinanydanger.
LadyChiltern:Whoisthat?
LordGoring:(sittingdownbesideher)Yourself.
LadyChiltern:I!Indanger?Whatdoyoumean?
LordGoring:Dangeristoogreataword.ItisawordIshouldnothaveused.ButI
admit I have something to tell you that may distress you, that terribly distresses
me.Yesterdayeveningyouwrotemeaverybeautiful,womanlyletter,askingme
formyhelp.Youwrotetomeasoneofyouroldestfriends,oneofyourhusband’s
oldestfriends.MrsCheveley:stolethatletterfrommyrooms.
LadyChiltern:Well,whatuseisittoher?Whyshouldshenothaveit?
Lord Goring: (rising) Lady Chiltern, I will be quite frank with you. Mrs Cheveley:
putsacertainconstructiononthatletterandproposestosendittoyourhusband.
LadyChiltern:Butwhatconstructioncouldsheputonit?…Oh!notthat!notthat!
IfIin—introuble,andwantingyourhelp,trustingyou,proposetocometoyou…
that you may advise me … assist me… Oh! are there women so horrible as
that…?Andsheproposestosendittomyhusband?Tellmewhathappened.Tell
meallthathappened.
LordGoring:MrsCheveley:wasconcealedinaroomadjoiningmylibrary,without
myknowledge.Ithoughtthatthepersonwhowaswaitinginthatroomtoseeme
wasyourself.Robertcameinunexpectedly.Achairorsomethingfellintheroom.
He forced his way in, and he discovered her. We had a terrible scene. I still
thought it was you. He left me in anger. At the end of everything Mrs Cheveley:
gotpossessionofyourletter—shestoleit,whenorhow,Idon’tknow.
LadyChiltern:Atwhathourdidthishappen?
Lord Goring: At half-past ten. And now I propose that we tell Robert the whole
thingatonce.
LadyChiltern:(lookingathimwithamazementthatisalmostterror)Youwantme
to tell Robert that the woman you expected was not Mrs Cheveley, but myself?
ThatitwasIwhomyouthoughtwasconcealedinaroominyourhouse,athalfpastteno’clockatnight?Youwantmetotellhimthat?
LordGoring:Ithinkitisbetterthatheshouldknowtheexacttruth.
LadyChiltern:(rising)Oh,Icouldn’t,Icouldn’t!
LordGoring:MayIdoit?
LadyChiltern:No.
LordGoring:(gravely)Youarewrong,LadyChiltern.
LadyChiltern:No.Thelettermustbeintercepted.Thatisall.ButhowcanIdoit?
Letters arrive for him every moment of the day. His secretaries open them and
handthemtohim.Idarenotasktheservantstobringmehisletters.Itwouldbe
impossible.Oh!whydon’tyoutellmewhattodo?
LordGoring:Praybecalm,LadyChiltern,andanswerthequestionsIamgoingto
puttoyou.Yousaidhissecretariesopenhisletters.
LadyChiltern:Yes.
LordGoring:Whoiswithhimtoday?MrTrafford,isn’tit?
LadyChiltern:No.MrMontfordIthink.
LordGoring:Youcantrusthim?
LadyChiltern:(withagestureofdespair)Oh!howdoIknow?
LordGoring:Hewoulddowhatyouaskedhim,wouldn’the?
LadyChiltern:Ithinkso.
LordGoring:Yourletterwasonpinkpaper.Hecouldrecognizeitwithoutreading
it,couldn’the?Bythecolour?
LadyChiltern:Isupposeso.
LordGoring:Isheinthehousenow?
LadyChiltern:Yes.
LordGoring:ThenIwillgoandseehimmyself,andtellhimthatacertainletter,
written on pink paper, is to be forwarded to Robert today, and that at all costs it
must not reach him. (Goes to the door, and opens it) Oh! Robert is coming
upstairswiththeletterinhishand.Ithasreachedhimalready.
Lady Chiltern: (with a cry of pain) Oh! you have saved his life; what have you
donewithmine?
Enter Sir Robert Chiltern. He has the letter in his hand, and is reading it. He
comestowardshiswife,notnoticingLordGoring:’spresence
SirRobertChiltern:‘Iwantyou.Itrustyou.Iamcomingtoyou.Gertrude.’Oh,my
love! is this true? Do you indeed trust me, and want me? If so, it was for me to
cometoyou,notforyoutowriteofcomingtome.Thisletterofyours,Gertrude,
makesmefeelthatnothingthattheworldmaydocanhurtmenow.Youwantme,
Gertrude?
Lord Goring, unseen by Sir Robert Chiltern, makes an imploring sign to Lady
Chiltern:toacceptthesituationandSirRobert’serror
LadyChiltern:Yes.
SirRobertChiltern:Youtrustme,Gertrude?
LadyChiltern:Yes.
SirRobertChiltern:Ah!whydidyounotaddyoulovedme?
LadyChiltern:(takinghishand)BecauseIlovedyou.
LordGoring:passesintotheconservatory
Sir Robert Chiltern: (kisses her) Gertrude, you don’t know what I feel. When
Montfordpassedmeyourletteracrossthetable—hehadopeneditbymistake,I
suppose,withoutlookingatthehandwritingontheenvelope—andIreadit—oh!I
didnotcarewhatdisgraceorpunishmentwasinstoreforme,Ionlythoughtyou
lovedmestill.
Lady Chiltern: There is no disgrace in store for you, nor any public shame. Mrs
Cheveley: has handed over to Lord Goring the document that was in her
possession,andhehasdestroyedit.
SirRobertChiltern:Areyousureofthis,Gertrude?
LadyChiltern:Yes;LordGoringhasjusttoldme.
SirRobertChiltern:ThenIamsafe!Oh!Whatawonderfulthingtobesafe!For
twodaysIhavebeeninterror.Iamsafenow.HowdidArthurdestroymyletter?
Tellme.
LadyChiltern:Heburnedit.
SirRobertChiltern:IwishIhadseenthatonesinofmyyouthburningtoashes.
Howmanymenthereareinmodernlifewhowouldliketoseetheirpastburning
towhiteashesbeforethem!IsArthurstillhere?
LadyChiltern:Yes;heisintheconservatory.
SirRobertChiltern:IamsogladnowImadethatspeechlastnightintheHouse,
soglad.Imadeitthinkingthatpublicdisgracemightbetheresult.Butithasnot
beenso.
LadyChiltern:Publichonourhasbeentheresult.
Sir Robert Chiltern: I think so. I fear so, almost. For although I am safe from
detection,althougheveryproofagainstmeisdestroyed,Isuppose,Gertrude…I
supposeIshouldretirefrompubliclife?
Helooksanxiouslyathiswife.
LadyChiltern:(eagerly)Ohyes,Robert,youshoulddothat.Itisyourdutytodo
that.
SirRobertChiltern:Itismuchtosurrender.
LadyChiltern:No;itwillbemuchtogain.
SirRobertChiltern:walksupanddowntheroomwithatroubledexpression.Then
comesovertohiswife,andputshishandonhershoulder
Sir Robert Chiltern: And you would be happy living somewhere alone with me,
abroadperhaps,orinthecountryawayfromLondon,awayfrompubliclife?You
wouldhavenoregrets?
LadyChiltern:Oh!none,Robert.
SirRobertChiltern:(sadly)Andyourambitionforme?Youusedtobeambitious
forme.
LadyChiltern:Oh,myambition!Ihavenonenow,butthatwetwomayloveeach
other.Itwasyourambitionthatledyouastray.Letusnottalkaboutambition.
LordGoring:returnsfromtheconservatory,lookingverypleasedwithhimself,and
withanentirelynewbuttonholethatsomeonehasmadeforhim
SirRobertChiltern:(goingtowardshim)Arthur,Ihavetothankyouforwhatyou
havedoneforme.Idon’tknowhowIcanrepayyou.(Shakeshandswithhim)
LordGoring:Mydearfellow,I’lltellyouatonce.Atthepresentmoment,underthe
usualpalmtree…Imeanintheconservatory…
EnterMason:
Mason:LordCaversham.
LordGoring:Thatadmirablefatherofminereallymakesahabitofturningupat
thewrongmoment.Itisveryheartlessofhim,veryheartlessindeed.
EnterLordCaversham.Masongoesout
LordCaversham:Goodmorning,LadyChiltern!Warmestcongratulationstoyou,
Chiltern,onyourbrilliantspeechlastnight.IhavejustleftthePrimeMinister,and
youaretohavethevacantseatintheCabinet.
SirRobertChiltern:(withalookofjoyandtriumph)AseatintheCabinet?
LordCaversham:Yes;hereisthePrimeMinister’sletter.(Handsletter)
SirRobertChiltern:(takesletterandreadsit)AseatintheCabinet!
Lord Caversham: Certainly, and you well deserve it too. You have got what we
want so much in political life nowadays—high character, high moral tone, high
principles. (To Lord Goring) Everything that you have not got, sir, and never will
have.
LordGoring:Idon’tlikeprinciples,father.Ipreferprejudices.
SirRobertChiltern:isonthebrinkofacceptingthePrimeMinister’soffer,whenhe
seeshiswifelookingathimwithherclear,candideyes.Hethenrealizesthatitis
impossible
Sir Robert Chiltern: I cannot accept this offer, Lord Caversham. I have made up
mymindtodeclineit.
LordCaversham:Declineit,sir!
SirRobertChiltern:Myintentionistoretireatoncefrompubliclife.
Lord Caversham: (angrily) Decline a seat in the Cabinet, and retire from public
life?Neverheardsuchdamnednonsenseinthewholecourseofmyexistence.I
beg your pardon, Lady Chiltern. Chiltern, I beg your pardon. (To Lord Goring)
Don’tgrinlikethat,sir.
LordGoring:No,father.
Lord Caversham: Lady Chiltern, you are a sensible woman, the most sensible
womaninLondon,themostsensiblewomanIknow.Willyoukindlypreventyour
husbandfrommakingsucha…fromtalkingsuch…Willyoukindlydothat,Lady
Chiltern?
LadyChiltern:Ithinkmyhusbandisrightinhisdetermination,LordCaversham.I
approveofit.
LordCaversham:Youapproveofit?GoodHeavens!
Lady Chiltern: (taking her husband’s hand) I admire him for it. I admire him
immenselyforit.Ihaveneveradmiredhimsomuchbefore.HeisfinerthanevenI
thoughthim.(ToSirRobertChiltern)YouwillgoandwriteyourlettertothePrime
Ministernow,won’tyou?Don’thesitateaboutit,Robert.
Sir Robert Chiltern: (with a touch of bitterness) I suppose I had better write it at
once. Such offers are not repeated. I will ask you to excuse me for a moment,
LordCaversham.
LadyChiltern:Imaycomewithyou,Robert,mayInot?
SirRobertChiltern:Yes,Gertrude.
LadyChiltern:goesoutwithhim
LordCaversham:Whatisthematterwiththefamily?Somethingwronghere,eh?
(Tappinghisforehead)Idiocy?Hereditary,Isuppose.Bothofthem,too.Wifeas
wellashusband.Verysad.Verysadindeed!Andtheyarenotanoldfamily.Can’t
understandit.
LordGoring:Itisnotidiocy,father,Iassureyou.
LordCaversham:Whatisitthen,sir?
Lord Goring: (after some hesitation) Well, it is what is called nowadays a high
moraltone,father.Thatisall.
LordCaversham:Hatethesenew-fanglednames.Samethingasweusedtocall
idiocyfiftyyearsago.Shan’tstayinthishouseanylonger.
Lord Goring: (taking his arm) Oh! just go in here for a moment, father. Second
palmtreetotheleft,theusualpalmtree.
LordCaversham:What,sir?
Lord Goring: I beg your pardon, father, I forgot. The conservatory, father, the
conservatory—thereissomeonethereIwantyoutotalkto.
LordCaversham:Whatabout,sir?
LordGoring:Aboutme,father.
LordCaversham:(grimly)Notasubjectonwhichmucheloquenceispossible.
Lord Goring: No, father; but the lady is like me. She doesn’t care much for
eloquenceinothers.Shethinksitalittleloud.
LordCaversham:goesintotheconservatory.LadyChiltern:enters
LordGoring:LadyChiltern,whyareyouplayingMrsCheveley:’scards?
LadyChiltern:(startled)Idon’tunderstandyou.
LordGoring:MrsCheveley:madeanattempttoruinyourhusband.Eithertodrive
him from public life, or to make him adopt a dishonourable position. From the
latter tragedy you saved him. The former you are now thrusting on him. Why
shouldyoudohimthewrongMrsCheveley:triedtodoandfailed?
LadyChiltern:LordGoring?
Lord Goring: (pulling himself together for a great effort, and showing the
philosopher that underlies the dandy) Lady Chiltern, allow me. You wrote me a
letterlastnightinwhichyousaidyoutrustedmeandwantedmyhelp.Nowisthe
momentwhenyoureallywantmyhelp,nowisthetimewhenyouhavegottotrust
me,totrustinmycounselandjudgement.YouloveRobert.Doyouwanttokillhis
loveforyou?Whatsortofexistencewillhehaveifyourobhimofthefruitsofhis
ambition,ifyoutakehimfromthesplendourofagreatpoliticalcareer,ifyouclose
thedoorsofpubliclifeagainsthim,ifyoucondemnhimtosterilefailure,hewho
was made for triumph and success? Women are not meant to judge us, but to
forgive us when we need forgiveness. Pardon, not punishment, is their mission.
Whyshouldyouscourgehimwithrodsforasindoneinhisyouth,beforeheknew
you,beforeheknewhimself?Aman’slifeisofmorevaluethanawoman’s.Ithas
largerissues,widerscope,greaterambitions.Awoman’sliferevolvesincurvesof
emotions. It is upon lines of intellect that a man’s life progress. Don’t make any
terrible mistake, Lady Chiltern. A woman who can keep a man’s love, and love
himinreturn,hasdonealltheworldwantsofwomen,orshouldwantofthem.
LadyChiltern:(troubledandhesitating)Butitismyhusbandhimselfwhowishes
toretirefrompubliclife.Hefeelsitishisduty.Itwashewhofirstsaidso.
Lord Goring: Rather than lose your love, Robert would do anything, wreck his
wholecareer,asheisonthebrinkofdoingnow.Heismakingforyouaterrible
sacrifice.Takemyadvice,LadyChiltern,anddonotacceptasacrificesogreat.If
you do you will live to repent it bitterly. We men and women are not made to
accept such sacrifices from each other. We are not worthy of them. Besides,
Roberthasbeenpunishedenough.
LadyChiltern:Wehavebothbeenpunished.Isethimuptoohigh.
LordGoring:(withdeepfeelinginhisvoice)Donotforthatreasonsethimdown
nowtoolow.Ifhehasfallenfromhisaltar,donotthrusthimintothemire.Failure
toRobertwouldbetheverymireofshame.Powerishispassion.Hewouldlose
everything, even his power to feel love. Your husband’s life is at this moment in
yourhands,yourhusband’sloveisinyourhands.Don’tmarbothforhim.
EnterSirRobertChiltern:
SirRobertChiltern:Gertrude,hereisthedraftofmyletter.ShallIreadittoyou?
LadyChiltern:Letmeseeit.
SirRoberthandshertheletter.Shereadsit,andthen,withagestureofpassion,
tearsitup
SirRobertChiltern:Whatareyoudoing?
LadyChiltern:Aman’slifeisofmorevaluethanawoman’s.Ithaslargerissues,
widerscope,greaterambitions.Ourlivesrevolveincurvesofemotions.Itisupon
linesofintellectthataman’slifeprogresses.Ihavejustlearntthis,andmuchelse
withit,fromLordGoring:AndIwillnotspoilyourlifeforyou,norseeyouspoilit
asasacrificetome,auselesssacrifice!
SirRobertChiltern:Gertrude!Gertrude!
LadyChiltern:Youcanforget.Meneasilyforget.AndIforgive.Thatishowwomen
helptheworld.Iseethatnow.
Sir Robert Chiltern: (deeply overcome by emotion, embraces her) My wife! my
wife!(ToLordGoring)Arthur,itseemsthatIamalwaystobeinyourdebt.
LordGoring:Ohdearno,Robert.YourdebtistoLadyChiltern,nottome!
SirRobertChiltern:Ioweyoumuch.Andnowtellmewhatyouweregoingtoask
mejustnowasLordCaversham:camein.
Lord Goring: Robert, you are your sister’s guardian, and I want your consent to
mymarriagewithher.Thatisall.
LadyChiltern:Oh,Iamsoglad!Iamsoglad!
ShakeshandswithLordGoring:
LordGoring:Thankyou,LadyChiltern.
SirRobertChiltern:(withatroubledlook)Mysistertobeyourwife?
LordGoring:Yes.
SirRobertChiltern:(speakingwithgreatfirmness).Arthur,Iamverysorry,butthe
thingisquiteoutofthequestion.IhavetothinkofMabel’sfuturehappiness.AndI
don’t think her happiness would be safe in your hands. And I cannot have her
sacrificed!
LordGoring:Sacrificed!
Sir Robert Chiltern: Yes, utterly sacrificed. Loveless marriages are horrible. But
there is one thing worse than an absolutely loveless marriage. A marriage in
whichthereislove,butononesideonly;faith,butononesideonly;devotion,but
ononesideonly,andinwhichofthetwoheartsoneissuretobebroken.
LordGoring:ButIloveMabel.Nootherwomanhasanyplaceinmylife.
LadyChiltern:Robert,iftheyloveeachother,whyshouldtheynotbemarried?
SirRobertChiltern:ArthurcannotbringMabelthelovethatshedeserves.
LordGoring:Whatreasonhaveyouforsayingthat?
[Apause]
SirRobertChiltern:Doyoureallyrequiremetotellyou?
LordGoring:CertainlyIdo.
Sir Robert Chiltern: As you choose. When I called on you yesterday evening I
found Mrs Cheveley: concealed in your rooms. It was between ten and eleven
o’clock at night. I do not wish to say anything more. Your relations with Mrs
Cheveley: have, as I said to you last night, nothing whatsoever to do with me. I
knowyouwereengagedtobemarriedtoheronce.Thefascinationsheexercised
overyouthenseemstohavereturned.Youspoketomelastnightofherasofa
woman pure and stainless, a woman whom you respected and honoured. That
maybeso.ButIcannotgivemysister’slifeintoyourhands.Itwouldbewrongof
me.Itwouldbeunjust,infamouslyunjusttoher.
LordGoring:Ihavenothingmoretosay.
LadyChiltern:Robert,itwasnotMrsCheveley:whomLordGoring:expectedlast
night.
SirRobertChiltern:NotMrsCheveley!Whowasitthen?
LordGoring:LadyChiltern!
LadyChiltern:Itwasyourownwife.Robert,yesterdayafternoonLordGoring:told
methatifeverIwasintroubleIcouldcometohimforhelp,ashewasouroldest
and best friend. Later on, after that terrible scene in this room, I wrote to him
tellinghimthatItrustedhim,thatIhadneedofhim,thatIwascomingtohimfor
helpandadvice.(SirRobertChiltern:takestheletteroutofhispocket)Yes,that
letter.Ididn’tgotoLordGoring:’s,afterall.Ifeltthatitisfromourselvesalonethat
helpcancome.Pridemademethinkthat.MrsCheveley:went.Shestolemyletter
andsentitanonymouslytoyouthismorning,thatyoushouldthink…Oh!Robert,I
cannottellyouwhatshewishedyoutothink…
SirRobertChiltern:What!HadIfallensolowinyoureyesthatyouthoughtthat
evenforamomentIcouldhavedoubtedyourgoodness?Gertrude,Gertrude,you
aretomethewhiteimageofallgoodthings,andsincannevertouchyou.Arthur,
youcangotoMabel,andyouhavemybestwishes!Oh!stopamoment.Thereis
nonameatthebeginningofthisletter.ThebrilliantMrsCheveley:doesnotseem
tohavenoticedthat.Thereshouldbeaname.
LadyChiltern:Letmewriteyours.ItisyouItrustandneed.Youandnoneelse.
LordGoring:Well,really,LadyChiltern,IthinkIshouldhavebackmyownletter.
LadyChiltern:(smiling)No;youshallhaveMabel.(Takestheletterandwritesher
husband’snameonit)
LordGoring:Well,Ihopeshehasn’tchangedhermind.It’snearlytwentyminutes
sinceIsawherlast.
EnterMabelChiltern:andLordCaversham:
Mabel Chiltern: Lord Goring, I think your father’s conversation much more
improving than yours. I am only going to talk to Lord Caversham: in the future,
andalwaysundertheusualpalmtree.
LordGoring:Darling!
Kissesher
LordCaversham:(considerablytakenaback)Whatdoesthismean,sir?Youdon’t
mean to say that this charming, clever young lady has been so foolish as to
acceptyou?
LordGoring:Certainly,father!AndChiltern’sbeenwiseenoughtoaccepttheseat
intheCabinet.
LordCaversham:Iamverygladtohearthat,Chiltern…Icongratulateyou,sir.If
the country doesn’t go to the dogs or the Radicals, we shall have you Prime
Minister,someday.
EnterMason:
Mason:Luncheonisonthetable,myLady!
Mason:goesout
MabelChiltern:You’llstoptoluncheon,LordCaversham,won’tyou?
Lord Caversham: With pleasure, and I’ll drive you down to Downing Street
afterwards,Chiltern.Youhaveagreatfuturebeforeyou,agreatfuture.(ToLord
Goring) Wish I could say the same for you, sir. But your career will have to be
entirelydomestic.
LordGoring:Yes,father,Ipreferitdomestic.
LordCaversham:Andifyoudon’tmakethisyoungladyanidealhusband,I’llcut
youoffwithashilling.
MabelChiltern:Anidealhusband!Oh,Idon’tthinkIshouldlikethat.Itsoundslike
somethinginthenextworld.
LordCaversham:Whatdoyouwanthimtobethen,dear?
Mabel Chiltern: He can be what he chooses. All I want is to be… to be… oh! a
realwifetohim.
LordCaversham:Uponmyword,thereisagooddealofcommonsenseinthat,
LadyChiltern.
TheyallgooutexceptSirRobertChiltern.Hesinksintoachair,wraptinthought.
AfteralittletimeLadyChiltern:returnstolookforhim
LadyChiltern:(leaningoverthebackofthechair)Aren’tyoucomingin,Robert?
SirRobertChiltern:(takingherhand)Gertrude,isitloveyoufeelforme,orisit
pitymerely?
LadyChiltern:(kisseshim)Itislove,Robert.Love,andonlylove.Forbothofusa
newlifeisbeginning.