Understanding Marriage,
Weddings and Church
Weddings:
An exploration of the modern day
wedding market among couples
Prepared for the Church of England
Tamar Kasriel and Rachel Goodacre
March 2007
Contents
1. Executive summary
1
2. Introduction
5
Background to the project
5
Research aims and objectives
8
3. Research approach
9
4. Setting the scene: Understanding contemporary relationships
11
5. Marriage
13
Understanding commitment
13
Understanding marriage from a couple’s perspective
14
So why get married?
15
Barriers to marriage
19
6. Weddings
23
New understandings of weddings
23
Triggers and barriers for weddings
24
Tensions surrounding weddings, and how these might be overcome
26
7. Church weddings
29
Why have a church wedding?
29
Why not?
33
The church wedding audience segmentation
36
8. Conclusions and recommendations
39
Appendices
42
1. Executive summary
This research is an exploration of the modern day marriage market amongst
couples in the UK, where fewer people are getting married, and a falling
proportion of the marriage ceremonies that do take place are conducted in
church. In light of its role both as a key advocate for the institution of marriage
and as a major venue for marriage ceremonies, the Church of England
wanted to improve its understanding of how couples make decisions about
whether and where to get married. The aim of the research was to inform
internal policy and training, and guide external communications in order that
the Church might best meet the needs of couples contemplating a church
wedding. A programme of qualitative and quantitative research was devised
to address this question.
Relationships and commitment
The social context in the UK is one of growing instability within long term
relationships as society becomes increasingly individualistic, but also of an
ongoing desire for the security and companionship that such relationships
provide. The idea of finding one person to spend the rest of your life with
remains highly desirable, but also seems more elusive than ever. Relationships
have become a highly confusing emotional territory for many as a result.
Marriage is clearly no longer a ‘default’ decision for couples in long term
relationships, and commitment no longer equated with marriage. Most
couples in long term relationships have already practically and emotionally
‘committed’ to one another before contemplating marriage. Nevertheless,
making a formal lifelong commitment to your partner through marriage
remains an attractive proposition for many. The decision is also generally taken
very seriously; 85% of married people and 59% of unmarried people believe
that marriage is the most serious decision in your life1.
Drivers and barriers to marriage
The primary driver for marriage is usually a couple’s desire to feel more
committed to one another by making a formal, lifelong commitment – ‘the
ultimate commitment’. Men are generally less willing to rush to this stage
because they are more likely than women to think about the meaning and
significance of the marriage commitment. The desire to start a family can
often be a very strong driver for marriage, and is often the trigger that
motivates couples who intend to get married ‘at some point’. This may come
from a genuine desire to be married before having children, or be the result of
external pressure to ‘do the right thing’. A belief that marriage is part of the
1
C of E/HCHLV Omnibus research, November 2006
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
1
‘natural progression’ of a relationship, and peer pressure are additional factors
that can ‘push’ rather than ‘pull’ couples towards marriage.
Barriers to marriage may cause couples to fundamentally reject the idea of
marriage, or simply delay the decision. Barriers of the former type include
believing that marriage is no different from cohabitation; rejecting the idea
that a relationship needs to be affirmed by an external institution; believing
that cohabitation is a less stressful relationship arrangement than marriage;
negative experiences of marriage; and a fear that marriage may change a
relationship for the worse – “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”. Meanwhile couples in
long term relationships may support the idea of marriage but not want to get
married yet if they do not feel ready to make a lifelong commitment to one
another, or if they are preoccupied with other important outlays and want to
wait until they can afford to have the wedding of their dreams.
Contemporary understandings of weddings
The wedding itself can often be a significant factor in a couple’s decision
about whether or not to get married. The main reason to have a wedding is still
understood as to get married to your loved one, however weddings have also
become a focal point of our accelerating consumption culture, and there
appears to be a growing disconnect between the wedding and the marriage
itself. Weddings have an additional role for women, being the one day in their
lifetime when they are the centre of attention, and men are often very happy
to indulge their partner’s wedding dreams.
Barriers to weddings on the other hand generally revolve around the perceived
cost and pressure of organising a day that is worthy of the significance of the
event. Fears about managing the politics of a fractious extended family,
particularly if divorced parents are involved, can also put some people off the
idea of getting married. Family politics are one of a number of tensions
surrounding weddings where the Church could provide additional support.
Uncertainty about who the wedding is ‘for’ is another – a “my/our day” versus
“everyone’s day” conflict can easily emerge because couples want to plan
their own ‘perfect day’ (and are repeatedly encouraged by the wedding
industry to do so), but also desire family involvement, and compromise is usually
required.
Drivers and barriers to church weddings
A couple’s choice of wedding venue is influenced by a highly personal range
of factors. Many of those deciding to have a church wedding do so because
of a widespread perception that a church is a more “proper” venue. Indeed,
53% of the population as a whole believe that “church weddings feel more
‘proper’2. While family preferences often play a role, many couples themselves
also see church ceremonies as a key and desirable feature of the traditional
2
C of E/HCHLV Omnibus research, November 2006
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
2
white wedding. The ambiance and aesthetics of the church and the solemn or
even sacred atmosphere inside are major components of the appeal of
church weddings.
Religion can play a role in some couples’ decision to have a church wedding,
and a significant proportion feel that a marriage commitment made in church
is more weighty than one made in a non-religious venue. This said, getting
married with the support of the institution of the Church, the key advocate of
marriage, is as much of a draw as getting married “in the eyes of God” .
Marriage preparation sessions offered by the Church can therefore be part of
the appeal of the church wedding experience. Several men in particular in
our qualitative sample liked the idea of having such a ‘check’ that they are
doing the right thing in getting married. However, preparation sessions are
certainly not welcomed by all, and need to be very carefully positioned.
Nevertheless, the personal dimension of a church ceremony, in particular the
relationship with the vicar, is often a vital part of a couple’s decision to have a
church wedding.
The number one barrier to church weddings cited is religion, and couples
frequently say that they would feel ‘hypocritical’ getting married in church.
This may be because couples reject the church in principle or feel that it has no
meaning in their life so prefer to get married elsewhere. However, significant
numbers of non-regular church goers say that they would feel guilty getting
married in church even though they find the idea very appealing. They worry
that they may devalue the Church or be ‘caught out’ if they got married there
but did not attend regularly. Actively giving such couples ‘permission’ to get
married in church and reassuring them about the reception that they will
receive seems to be an urgent task. Finally, the perceived cost of a church
wedding, and a fundamental distain for ‘tradition’ (not everyone buys into the
traditional white wedding) can be other important barriers.
Recommendations
While this research focused on the attitudes of couples in the marriage rather
than reviewing the Church of England’s own policy and strategy, the insights
that emerged led us to a number of top level recommendations largely
surrounding the opportunities provided to the Church by the modern day
marriage market:
1. We believe that there is ‘space’ within contemporary society for the Church
to talk positively about marriage
2. There is a need for clear, coherent and unapologetic communication about
what the Church does in fact stand for in relation to marriage
3. There is a need for the Church to make explicit the implicit understandings
within the Church about who is entitled to a church wedding, and to actively
reassure couples that the Church is happy to marry them
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
3
4. Couples have different expectations of a church wedding experience, and
it is important that clergy are aware of these and communications tailored
accordingly where possible
5. The personal dimension of a church wedding is a huge potential draw which
the Church should emphasise
6. Couples preparing for marriage and planning a wedding have many
anxieties that the Church could look to at least partially alleviate
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
4
2. Introduction
Background to the project
The roles that both the institution and the occasion of marriage play in
contemporary UK society are being challenged and transformed. The figures
paint a familiar but bleak picture for advocates of marriage, and for the
Church in particular. The proportion of couples choosing to make a first
marriage commitment continues to decline (figure 1), while the amount of
time, effort, and money that go into planning the weddings that do take place
are seemingly spiralling out of control, with apparently a growing tendency to
place more emphasis on the ‘perfect day’ rather than on the commitment of
marriage itself. Unfortunately for the Church, as the choice of venues has
proliferated following the 1994 Marriage Act3, decreasing numbers of couples
are choosing church ceremonies for these increasingly lavish events (figure 2).
Figure 1: Number of marriages in the UK
Source: Office of National Statistics
The Marriage Act 1994 came into force in England and Wales in 1995. The second
part of the act introduced the ability to marry in ‘approved premises’. For venues to be
registered as approved premises, the local authority must be satisfied that they are
readily identifiable wedding venues that will support the dignity of marriage, and have
no recent or continuing connection with any religion.
3
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
5
100%
80%
Other
60%
Other Christian bodies
Nonconformist
Roman Catholic
Church of England and Church in Wales
40%
Civil ceremonies
20%
0%
1981
1991
1996
1998
1999
2000
2001
2002
Figure 2: Marriage ceremony type over time
Source: ONS
Various social theorists argue that traditional institutions like marriage have
become increasingly irrelevant to contemporary life, having been reduced to
empty, meaningless ‘shells’4. The assumption is that these ‘hangovers’ from the
past will eventually become distant memories, an argument often supported
by the media. Nevertheless, significant numbers are still getting and staying
married, therefore the commitment of marriage and the wedding day must
retain an enduring appeal. Likewise, church ceremonies remain popular
despite declining church attendance, with a significantly higher proportion of
couples wanting to get married in church than attend church regularly.
The Church of England is also an institution with a changing position in public
life. However, it continues to be a major advocate of the institution of
marriage, and is evidently a major host of marriage ceremonies. The Church
therefore has a keen interest in how public attitudes towards marriage and
weddings are evolving. A church wedding in particular also presents an
opportunity for the Church to give couples and wedding attendees a positive
experience of the organisation. There is therefore a growing desire that the
Church should make the most of this potential mission opportunity, and that
churches should seek – to use marketing language – to ‘delight the customer’
as far as possible, hopefully rendering further positive engagement with the
church and the Christian faith.
We have conceptualised the decision-making journey towards a church
wedding as a ‘funnel’ (figure 3). In order to be considering a church wedding,
4 See, for example, Giddens, A. 1999 Runaway World: How Globalisation is Shaping Our
Lives (London, Profile)
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
6
couples5 must first have contemplated getting married, then thought about
having a wedding, and finally chosen a wedding venue. There are evidently
triggers and barriers at each stage, and couples may, to return to marketing
terms, ‘fall out’ of the funnel at any stage. It is important for the Church to
understand the how couples are making decisions at each stage, so that it can
provide the best possible support to those that decide to have a church
wedding. Meanwhile, the couples that ultimately get married in church are
evidently a subset of a larger ‘pool’ of people in long term relationships. The
Church is also keen to gain a full understanding of the decision making process
that couples who do not choose to get married in church, or to get married at
all, go through regarding the commitment options available to them. The
broad objective of this research was therefore to consider the drivers and
barriers for couples around marriage, weddings and church weddings.
Marriag
Marriage
Weddin
Wedding
Church
Church
weddin
wedding
Figure 3: The ‘church wedding funnel’
Source: HCHLV
In addition, the Church is specifically interested in people’s experiences of
church weddings. Recent research carried out by the University of Surrey on
behalf of the Bishop of Guildford into church support of marriage examined the
clergy’s perspective and began to explore the experiences of couples that
had recently married in church6. However, further understanding of the
couple’s perspective on church weddings was required in order to support
both a review of strategy and training for clergy, and a forthcoming external
communications campaign on the topic. Research and strategy consultancy
Henley Centre HeadlightVision (HCHLV) was commissioned by the Archbishop’s
Please note that this research only examines heterosexual couples
Roehampton Social Research Unit, University of Surrey, 2003 Church Support of
Marriage and Adult Relationships in Southern England Commissioned by the Bishop of
Guilford, funded by the Lord Chancellor’s Department under the Marriage and Adult
Relationship Programme
5
6
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
7
Council in August 2006 to deliver an analytical and insightful body of research
to enable the Church to strategically address the challenges and opportunities
presented by current attitudes towards marriage and church weddings.
Research aims and objectives
The specific aims of the research were:
•
To provide the Church of England with a grounded understanding of the
modern day wedding market among couples to inform strategy and
training going forward at parish, diocesan and national levels
•
To inform an external communications campaign about church
weddings with the aim of addressing myths about church weddings
head on. The campaign will include a promotional DVD for couples
considering an ecclesiastical ceremony
•
To provide insights that will support PR stories about marriage, weddings
and the church
The research objectives are summarised in the questions below:
•
What are the drivers and barriers for couples to marriage, weddings and
church weddings in the UK?
•
In particular, how do men and women’s perceptions and experiences
of marriage and church weddings differ?
•
What are the implications of these findings for the Church’s
communication with couples interested in a Church ceremony?
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
8
3. Research approach
A mixed methodology was used in order to both gain a broad picture of the
context within which couples are making decisions about commitment, and to
‘deep dive’ into couples’ attitudes towards marriage, weddings and church
weddings (figure 4).
Stage 1
Desk research
and internal
knowledge
gathering
Stage 2
Primary
research –
Qualitative
Stage 3
Primary
research –
Quantitative
Stage 4
Consolidation
of findings
Figure 4: Research approach
Following desk research and internal knowledge gathering, qualitative
research was carried out with people at different stages of long term
relationships, and with different attitudes towards forms of commitment within a
relationship. Eight single sex mini-groups and eight couple depth interviews
were carried out by HCHLV between 22nd and 30th August 2006 with
respondents that nominally identified with the Church of England, but who did
not attend church regularly (see appendix A for sample and full recruitment
criteria). The groups and interviews explored how couples navigate their way
through the various layers of commitment within their relationship, and their
perceptions of, and decision making around, wedding ceremony venues.
Please note that only prospective brides and grooms and recently married
couples were included in this research phase. No other family members,
friends or clergy were interviewed.
Quantitative research was then carried out in order to quantify our findings
from the qualitative research phase, and to understand the attitudes of the
population as a whole towards marriage, weddings and church weddings. A
nationally representative sample of 1,000 adults were surveyed through BMRB’s
(British Market Research Bureau) omnibus survey in November 2006 and 1,742
attendees of the National Weddings Show were surveyed at two shows during
September and October 2006 thanks to the support of the National Weddings
Show. Further details about the samples are provided in appendix B.
Our analysis and interpretation of the findings from the three phases of
research are consolidated in this report. If not referenced otherwise, the
arguments presented are based on the rich insights provided by the qualitative
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
9
research. Figures from the Church of England’s own quantitative research
carried out in phase three, both the omnibus survey and the research with the
National Weddings Show, are clearly referenced.
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
10
4. Setting the scene: Understanding
contemporary relationships
In order to understand how couples think about marriage and weddings, it is
important that we first take a moment to consider the context of the role that
romantic relationships play in people’s lives. The key point here is that despite
their increasing instability, long term romantic relationships are hugely
important to individuals. The growing force of individualism within developed
world cultures is a key contributor to the heightened fragility of contemporary
relationships. Contemporary culture tells us that individuals can ‘have it all’;
Frank Furedi, for example, in his book Therapy Culture, highlights the low value
now placed on elements such as ‘dependency’ within the new moral lexicon,
which he believes has insidiously sprung from the invasion of a therapy culture7.
In this way, self-reliance is portrayed as an attribute that we should be striving
for. As a consequence, it is now increasingly acceptable to think about a
relationship in terms of your own needs and wants; as one lady in a committed
eight year cohabiting relationship remarked, “if ‘you’ve lost that loving feeling’
you don’t need to stay together any more”8.
As a result, people increasingly recognise that they are likely to have several
long term partners over their lifetime. In 1990 the mean number of sexual
partners in a lifetime was 3.7 for women and 8.6 for men, whereas in 2000 the
figure had risen to 6.5 for women and 12.7 for men9. However, this does not
mean that romantic relationships have become any less important within
individuals’ lives. Alongside growing individualism we see a growing desire for
security and companionship. “The more individual we become, the more we
need a ‘significant other’ with whom to share the hopes, fears, gains and
looses experienced through release from traditional norms. Love therefore…
becomes more important than ever – an antidote to modern living”10.
F. 2003 Therapy Culture: Cultivating Vulnerability in an Uncertain Age
(Routledge)
8 C of E/HCHLV Qualitative research, August 2006
9 The National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (NATSAL), 2000
10 Boden, S. 2003 Consumerism, Romance and the Wedding Experience (Palgrave
Macmillan, Hampshire) Boden is referring the argument of Beck & Beck-Gernsheim in
The Normal Chaos of Love (1995)
7 Furedi,
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
11
Rise of
Individualism
CONFLICT
Search for
security
Figure 5: Tension between growing individualism and a growing desire for security
Romantic relationships are often a hugely significant component of the quality
of life of those with a long term partner, even though people are more likely to
talk about the value of their relationship in terms of intimate companionship
and security than of love itself. When asked whether they would give up their
current relationship or their job if forced to choose, 79% of those both working
and in a relationship say that they would give up their job11. (This valuing of
relationship over career is high across age groups, the only exception being 4554 year old men, 33% of whom say they would rather give up their relationship.)
Older women are generally more willing to articulate their wish to be in a
committed relationship, although this desire crosses genders and generations
despite the popular rhetoric of not needing a man/woman to be happy.
People do want stability in their relationships, and the idea of finding one
person that you can spend the rest of your life with is highly desirable (although
this does not necessarily equate with marriage, as will be seen). Nevertheless,
individualism remains a strong force, and people must hold their desires for selfgratification and for stability in tension. One consequence of this conundrum is
that relationships have become ever more confusing emotional territory for
many; people do not necessarily think about relationships logically or
‘rationally’. Another is that successful long term relationships have become
more elusive given the increased likelihood of break up, which further
perpetuates their desirability.
In this context of both relationship instability and desirability, it is clear that the
commitment and markers of commitment in a relationship are crucial issues,
which we examine further in the next section.
11
C of E/HCHLV Omnibus research, November 2006
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
12
5. Marriage
Marriage is certainly no longer a ‘default’ decision for couples in committed
relationships. Cohabitation has been accepted by large sections of society as
an equally valid relationship status; by 2000, 67% of the British population
agreed with the statement in the British Social Attitudes Survey ‘it is alright for a
couple to live together without intending to get married’, which rises to 84%
amongst 18-24 year olds. Cohabitation is also common practice for couples
who intend to get married in the future, being increasingly seen as a ‘trial
marriage’12. For this reason, commitment in a relationship clearly is not only
equated with marriage; large numbers of unmarried couples feel that they are
in highly committed relationships. So what exactly does it mean to be in a
‘committed’ relationship?
Understanding commitment
There are various practical and emotional commitments that couples in serious
long term relationships can make to one another. Practical commitments
include moving in together, buying a house together, having children, setting
up a joint will etc. Most people are aware that these practical changes can
be made with little emotional commitment to the relationship, and so are not
reliable external indicators of the level of commitment within a particular
relationship. However, these changes often represent significant stages in a
relationship’s journey of emotional commitment, therefore many people do
feel that there is a ‘natural progression’ of ‘events’ within a relationship
(although the order of these events may vary from couple to couple).
Nevertheless, it is the emotional journey of commitment that is of primary
importance for couples. The defining moment in a relationship is therefore not
one of these practical or outward emotional commitments per se, although
couples may choose to use one to mark this moment. Instead, it is the often
unspoken realisation – “you just know” – that this is the person that you hope to
spend the rest of your life with. Within this context, it is clear that marriage is not
necessarily the defining moment in a long term relationship, although some
couples may signify this occasion with a binding marriage commitment.
However, marriage does play an important role in many couples’ relationship
journey beyond this moment.
12
Barlow, A. et al 2005 Cohabitation, Marriage and the Law (Hart, Oxford)
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
13
Meet
someone
you like
“Go out”
Live
together
“The
commitment”
Engagement
Marriage
NB Many couples do
not need or desire to
reach this stage in
order to feel fulfilled
Figure 6: Typical timeline of events associated with journey of emotional commitment
within a romantic relationship
Source: HCHLV
Understanding marriage from a couple’s perspective
As already mentioned, there is less and less external pressure on couples to get
married. A large proportion of couples that choose to get married have
already been cohabiting for some time, so marriage also usually entails few
practical changes to a relationship. Therefore marriage is generally
understood as an additional, outward emotional commitment. It specifically
represents the lifelong commitment to a partner, and though some people do
not see the need for institutional affirmation of this commitment, for others this
outward act is of great importance. There are of course numerous examples of
rash proposals, however the decision about whether or not to get married is
generally taken hugely seriously – 85% of married people and 59% of unmarried
people believe that it is the most serious decision in your life13.
13
C of E/HCHLV Omnibus research, November 2006
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
14
Lifelong support
Starting a
family
Sharing life
with the
person you
love
Domestic life
together
Being totally
comfortable
with another
The wedding
Potentially
taking a risk!
Figure 7: Scrap art collage from qualitative research – “What I think about marriage”
So why get married?
Although cohabitation is increasingly acceptable, marriage is still seen as a
very positive social institution in the eyes of the majority of the population.
Married people in particular strongly believe in the value of marriage to society
– 86% of married people and 64% of unmarried people agree that “despite the
challenges, marriage is important for society”14. However, perhaps
unsurprisingly the social merits of marriage are rarely a factor influencing
individual couples’ decisions about marriage. Nor are couples often
motivated by the legal benefits that are associated with marriage; indeed
there is a huge amount of confusion about the legal status of married and nonmarried couples15. Instead couples choosing to get married make their
decision either on the basis of the attraction of marriage for them as individuals
(‘pull’ factors) or of the perceived problems of remaining unmarried (‘push’
factors’). A combination of drivers are likely to contribute to a couple’s
decision to get married, although different factors will have different relative
weight for different couples.
In many ways, marriage remains an attractive proposition for those in long term
relationships. Interestingly, similar numbers of unmarried men (36%) and women
(38%) aspire to marriage (although 31% of unmarried men and 33% of
C of E/HCHLV Omnibus research, November 2006
This issue is explored in great detail in Barlow, A. et al 2005 Cohabitation, Marriage
and the Law (Hart, Oxford)
14
15
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
15
unmarried women say that they do not aspire to marriage16). The primary
motivation for getting married is usually a couple’s desire to feel more
committed to one another by making a public, lifelong commitment. Marriage
is perceived by many, though not all, as the biggest commitment that two
people can make to one another; numerous respondents in our sample
referred to marriage as “the ultimate commitment”17.
“Marriage is the final piece of the jigsaw for me”
Female, 28-35, Leeds
“It’s [marriage] the final frontier”
Male, 28-35, London
For some, often women, marriage is a way of ‘completing’ a committed
relationship – “the icing on the cake”. Women tend to have a more urgent
desire to ‘cement’ their relationship, often desiring the security of the marriage
stamp which confirms, if only to themselves, that they have ‘got their man’ - “I
want you to be my husband, not just ‘that bloke I live with’” (Female, 36-45,
Midlands)18. Men in committed long term relationships on the other hand tend
to think much more seriously about what making a lifelong commitment to one
person entails. Rather than simply being commitment-phobes as the
stereotype would have us believe, men are often more likely than women to
think about the meaning and the significance of the marriage commitment,
and are less willing to rush to this stage.
“Marriage is definitely a big commitment… Preperation classes at
church might put some people off, but that could be a good thing”
Male, 20-27, Birmingham
The desire to share the same name can be an aspect of feeling as committed
as possible to a partner, although this is not important for some couples at all. It
can also be part of a concern about how a relationship is perceived from the
outside. Couples are often reluctant to articulate that their decisions are
affected by what other people think about them. Nevertheless, as already
mentioned, marriage is still seen by many as the biggest commitment that can
be made to another person, therefore the desire to make a public statement
about a relationship is a contributing factor to some couples’ decisions.
Indeed when thinking about other people’s relationships, 42% of the population
think that marriage is the event that most indicates that people have entered
a serious relationship, compared to 21% who believe that moving in together
C of E/HCHLV Omnibus research, November 2006
C of E/HCHLV Qualitative research, August 2006; although Barlow et al (2005) argue
that cohabitation can in fact require a greater degree of commitment to ones partner
as there is no security of the legal tie of marriage
18
C of E/HCHLV Qualitative research, August 2006
16
17
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
16
and 18% who believe that having children together mark the point of
commitment (figure 8)19. For younger people who want to be taken more
seriously as a couple, or even to feel more grown up as an individual, the kudos
that marriage retains can also contribute to their decision to get married.
“People do take you more seriously if you say you’re Mrs so-and-so
rather than Miss”
Female, 28-35, Leeds
Which of the following events do you think MOST indicates that you/other people are in a committed
relationship?
You
45
40
Other people
42
39
35
30
25
21
18
20
18
18
15
11
10
5
5
6
5
7
3
1
2
1
1
0
1
0
Marriage
Moving in
together
Children
together
You just
know
Joint
mortgage
Engagement
Joint will
Don't Know
Buy a car
together
Figure 8: Indicators of commitment within relationships
Source: C of E/HCHLV Omnibus research, November 2006
The desire to start a family is often a very strong driver for marriage. This may
be a either the result of the couple’s genuine desire to get married before
having children, or of feeling pressure from friends, family and even teachers to
‘do the right thing’. It is clear that many couples with children feel under no
obligation to marry. However, children are frequently the key trigger that helps
couples who intend to get married ‘at some point’ to overcome issues that
have delayed their decision, and to make the marriage commitment. Couples
may also be prompted to get married after having had children in order to
‘make it right’ for the children. Finally, the appeal of having a wedding can be
part of the attraction of marriage, which will be discussed further in section six.
“My husband, daughter and I will become a family unit after we get
married”
Female, 28-35, Leeds
19 C of E/HCHLV Omnibus research, November 2006. NB Married people are more likely
than unmarried people to believe that marriage is the most important marker of
commitment
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
17
’Push’ factors can propel couples towards marriage if remaining unmarried is
perceived as problematic, or simply ‘not right’. These include the idea held by
some people that marriage is part of the ‘natural progression’ of a relationship.
For this group, marriage is the ultimate goal of any committed relationship,
therefore there is something fundamentally wrong with their long term
relationship if it does not end in marriage.
“It [marriage] just felt like the right thing to do, the next step in our
relationship”
Male, 20-27, London
Peer pressure can also be an important contributing factor, either around the
question of the acceptability or not of having children ‘out of wedlock’, or as a
result of the fact that unmarried relationships are still perceived to be less
committed than married relationships by some. Given the relative social
acceptability of all forms of relationship status, couples are rarely likely to get
married due to push factors alone, though these can play a part in their
decision. This said, greater levels of social judgement seem to remain around
the issue of children, so this may be a more significant driver to marriage than
the other push factors.
“I do wonder whether our friends think we’re less committed because
we don’t want to get married, although I know we’re not”
Female, 36-45, Midlands
“Sometimes I worry whether my son’s teachers think that I’m a less
responsible parent because I haven’t made the commitment of
marriage”
Female, 28-35, Hampshire
Looking at why the population as a whole thinks that both men and women
get married reveals some interesting results (figures 9 and 10). There are fairly
significant gaps between what men and women think the primary drivers for
getting married are for the different sexes, which seem to suggest that men
and women are somewhat cynical about the other’s motivations for marriage.
34% of men think that most men get married in order to feel more committed to
their partner, compared to 26% of women who believe this to be the case.
21% of women however think that most men get married because of family
pressure, though only 12% of men believe this to be the case. Meanwhile men
are somewhat more likely than women to believe that women get married in
order to start a family, or to have a wedding, while women are more likely than
men to think that women get married to feel more committed to their partner.
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
18
Why do you think that most MEN get married?
What men think
40
35
What w omen think
34
30
26
25
25
25
21
20
15
12
11
12
11
8
10
5
5
3
4
1
1
1
0
To feel more To 'complete' Family pressure
committed to
their
/ expectations
their partner
relationship
To start a
family
Peer pressure
For legal
reasons
To have a
wedding
Don't Know
Figure 9: Believed motives for marriage – men
Source: C of E/HCHLV Omnibus research, November 2006
Why do you think that most WOMEN get married?
What men think
40
What w omen think
36
35
32
30
30
25
23
20
20
15
15
12
9
10
7
4
5
3
2
0
1
6
0
0
To 'complete' To feel more
their
committed to
relationship
their partner
To start a
family
To have a
wedding
Family pressure Peer pressure
/ expectations
For legal
reasons
Don't Know
Figure 10: Believed motives for marriage – women
Source: C of E/HCHLV Omnibus research, November 2006
Barriers to marriage
Factors which stop couples in long term relationships getting married at a
particular time may be either an outright barrier – a rejection of the need to
get married or a lack of desire to get married – or simply delay factors – not
being ready to get married yet.
For some people, marriage is simply no different from cohabitation. Couples
that have already made significant practical and emotional commitments to
one another may simply not see marriage as adding any value to their
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
19
relationship. Indeed, as already discussed, marriage usually involves very few
practical changes, which is why it is perhaps more logical to ask is ‘why get
married’ rather than ‘why not’.
“I just don’t see what the point of marriage is… Marriage is a dying
breed, it will die out eventually and people will just live together”
Male, 36-45, Midlands
Some, often those who are averse to tradition more generally, reject the idea
that their relationship needs to be affirmed by an external institution in order to
be deemed ‘authentic’. This sentiment seems to be strongly aligned with the
trend of a rising individualism, and could be cause for concern for the future of
marriage. This said, the tradition and ritual associated with marriage’s external
affirmation remains appealing for many others, including a significant
proportion of young people. 51% of unmarried 18-24s say that marriage is
something that they aspire to, compared to only 13% who explicitly do not
want to get married in the future.
“It’s not that I’m not totally committed to my girlfriend, it’s just that I don’t
want to have to get married in order to prove it”
Male, 28-35, London
While many see marriage in a positive light and are drawn by the apparent
security offered, others find the idea much less attractive. Even those in highly
committed relationships who fully desire to stay with their partner for the rest of
their life may believe that cohabitation is a much less stressful relationship
arrangement in the unlikely event of separation. In this way, cohabitation is
viewed as a way of holding strong feelings of commitment towards a partner in
tension with the likelihood of multiple long term relationships. Some have
genuinely negative experiences of marriage. Direct or indirect experience of
failed marriages can cause people not to want to get married themselves,
however, interestingly this does not guarantee that an individual will reject the
idea of marriage. Many children of divorced parents, for example, believe it
was right for their parents to get divorced because of the circumstances, but
still see marriage as the ideal.
Finally, an important barrier that may cause people to either reject marriage
outright, or contribute to delays around the decision is a fear that marriage
may change a relationship for the worse. People seem to take the popular
proverb “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” to heart when it comes to relationships;
interestingly this fear is the main reason people think that stops couples in long
term relationships getting married20.
20
C of E/HCHLV Omnibus research, November 2006
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
20
“You do hear stories about couples that were happily together for years
but after they got married it all started to go wrong”
Male, 20-27, Leeds
A final group of barriers to marriage are factors that make people feel they are
not ready to get married yet. Not being ready to, or even not desiring to make
a lifelong commitment to a partner is an enormous issue for many couples.
Given the esteem with which marriage is held by many, people are generally
not willing to make such a significant commitment too quickly. Of those
cohabiting couples that do ‘buy in’ to the idea of marriage, some see
themselves as living in a trial marriage, while others are simply not sure that the
person that they are currently with is the one that they want to spend the rest of
their life with. Younger men in particular can experience some pressure to
‘play the field first’, and are often not willing to make a lifelong commitment
too early.
“It’s just not cool to get married when you’re my age”
Male, 20-27, Leeds
Other couples fully intend to get married ‘at some point’, but once they are
settled into cohabitation there may be few factors forcing them to get round
to organising a wedding. They may also be occupied with other important
outlays, from saving for a deposit on a house, to buying a car. The idea of
having a budget wedding is entirely unacceptable to most couples, as will be
discussed in the next section. Therefore given the absence of immediate
pressure for cohabiting couples to get married, many prefer to wait until they
can afford to and have time to organise the wedding of their dreams. In such
cases couples may either simply plan to get married after living together for
many years (indeed the average age of marriage continues to rise), or they
may require a significant trigger to help overcome the delay factors.
“You can’t get married and buy a house at the same time, it’s far too
expensive”
Female, 20-27, London
“We’ll get round to it some day… He keeps saying we’ll get married
once we’ve had the extension done”
Female, 36-45, Midlands
It is clear that a number of different factors affect a couple’s perception of
marriage over the course of their relationship, and so their decision about
whether to get married. As a principle, they may either fundamentally ‘buy in’
to the idea of marriage, reject the idea outright, or have indifferent feelings
towards it. If one member of a couple is indifferent but the other feels strongly
either way, the partner with the strong feelings will influence the decision. If
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
21
both feel strongly in opposite directions, tension within the relationship is likely.
However, even if both support the principle of marriage, their decision to get
married in practice may be delayed by various issues, and couples in long term
cohabiting relationships often need a significant trigger to overcome these
barriers.
It is also apparent that the wedding ceremony itself is often a significant
component of a couple’s decision about marriage, although the specific
drivers and barriers for having a wedding differ somewhat to those for
marriage. We consider the factors and the various tensions surrounding
weddings in the next section.
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
22
6. Weddings
New understandings of weddings
In the same way that the meaning of marriage within a couple’s relationship
has changed, the role of the contemporary wedding is also evolving. The
majority of the population (58%) still agree that the main reason for having a
wedding is to “get married to the person you love in the presence of loved
ones”21. However, a number of other factors point to a growing disconnect
between the marriage ceremony and the marriage itself. As explained in the
previous section, marriage is no longer necessarily equated with the point of
emotional and practical commitment to a partner (although couples may
choose to represent this event with marriage at some stage of their
relationship, and marriage may provide additional weight to that
commitment). With this shift, academic Sharon Boden argues that within a
relationship the wedding has become less about the event of marriage, and
more about celebrating the romantic pleasures of the day22.
Getting
dressed up
The bride and her
friends – her day
What have I
done?!
Idyllic venue
Having a
party with
friends and
family
Excitement of
the honeymoon
Committing to
the person
you love
Organisation
Figure 11: Scrap art collage from qualitative research – “What I think about weddings”
Weddings have also become a significant focal point for our accelerating
consumption culture. Through the media, mainstream consumers have
21
C of E/HCHLV Omnibus research, November 2006
2003
22 Boden,
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
23
increasing exposure to the opulent consumption surrounding celebrity
weddings. Meanwhile, an individual’s wedding remains a hugely important life
event, both for the couple (the bride in particular, as will be discussed) and
often also for family members. There is certainly a desire to mark this hopefully
‘once in a lifetime’ event in a way that reflects the significance of the day i.e.
no expenses spared, and the wedding industry is certainly happy to portray the
wedding as a “within reach consumer fantasy”23. Couples that buy into this
type of wedding are lifted out of the monotony of daily life for a day and given
a chance to ‘live the dream’. The one-off nature of the event justifies
seemingly irrational inputs of time and money creating the perfect day. While
the celebrity wedding is not necessarily desired by all, other couples can spend
a similar amount of resources creating a highly personalised, unique event their own perfect day24.
One consequence of this development is that weddings are increasingly
understood as experiences in their own right. In our increasingly affluent
society, experiences have become more and more important for materially
saturated consumers. Weddings have long been billed as the best day of your
life, and an individual’s wedding day is perhaps the ultimate experience – 71%
of married people say that their wedding was the most important day of their
life25. Taking on the role of a wedding planner is also an experience in its self,
providing couples with a project to work towards, and is certainly relished by
some if not all.
“Planning our wedding has been a real bonding experience”
Male, 28-35, London
While of course fundamentally inseparable from marriage, it is evident that the
contemporary wedding itself can be a driver for marriage for some, and a
barrier for others. The desire to go through this wedding experience can be a
motivating factor for couples that may be hesitating about getting married for
various reasons. Meanwhile hype surrounding the wedding experience can be
less than appealing for others; it is possible that those who see little distinction
between marriage and the wedding can be put off marriage itself by the idea
of a grotesquely lavish wedding.
Triggers and barriers for weddings
Despite everything said about the evolving meanings of weddings, it is clear
that these new roles coexist with, rather than replace, the traditional role of the
wedding as the event at which the marriage commitment is made. Couples
who have decided that they want to get married are therefore motivated to
plan a wedding by various factors that stem from these different facets of the
23
Ibid. p21
See, for example, Farry, E. 2006 “And the bride wore hotpants” Guardian 18 August
25
C of E/HCHLV Omnibus research, November 2006
24
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
24
contemporary wedding. There are, however, significant differences between
the drivers for men and women.
Most women do recognise that the primary reason for having a wedding is to
get married to the person that you love. The public display and affirmation of
the relationship through marriage is particularly important for women, so the
fact that the ceremony is carried out in the presence of loved ones is
significant. However, as is popularly understood, the wedding has a role for
many women beyond that of simply getting married. Many women claim to
have dreamed about their wedding day since they were a child, but more
importantly a wedding is the one day in a women’s life when all of the
attention is centred on herself.
“Little boys want to be professional footballers… little girls plan their
wedding day from about 4 years old”
Male, 20-27, Hampshire
The bride is therefore often the centre of the consumer fantasy created by the
wedding. Through the wedding experience Boden argues that she takes on
the dual role of being both a ‘princess’ for the day (though rarely a virgin, the
bride is “re-enchanted” through her identity), and that of the rational wedding
planner, becoming a “super-bride” in the process26. Taking on the challenge
of organising a successful, memorable event can be another motivating factor
for organising a wedding for women; this can stem from a genuine desire to
create a ‘day to remember’ but can also involve a strong element of social
display, although this is rarely articulated.
Men, however, tend to be more focused on the primary purpose of the
wedding i.e. to get married to the person they love, which for them is a very
serious event. In some cases men are primarily getting married to satisfy the
desires of their partner, however many men are highly romantic about their
wedding day and what it signifies. This said, both groups often willingly accept
that part of the reason they are having a wedding is to indulge their partner’s
wedding dreams. This may mean that grooms let their partner make most of
the decisions about the day. However, some men (and their partners) see the
wedding as an event for the couple together rather than simply for the bride,
and may see planning the wedding with their partner as a significant bonding
experience. Nevertheless, the stereotype that many men are also motivated
by the idea that their wedding will also be a great party does ring true,
particularly given the cost of the event.
“Marriage is for life, but a wedding is a glorified party”
Male, 36-45, London
26
Ibid.
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
25
Barriers to organising a wedding are similar for both men and women.
Occasionally couples have reason to object to the basic idea of making a
marriage commitment in the presence of loved ones. For some people the
idea of being the centre of attention is off putting rather than an attraction. For
others, the thought of managing the politics of a fractious extended family on
the wedding day, particularly if this involves divorced parents, is hugely
stressful.
“I have a dilemma about choosing where to get married because my
parents are divorced. I can’t go anywhere too far away because I
don’t think my mum and dad could stay in the same hotel, it might start
world war three… I’ve often thought maybe I shouldn’t get married for
that reason, maybe its more hassle than it’s worth. I’m sure it won’t be,
maybe it’s just in my mind … If I did get married in church, instead of
bride’s family on one side and groom’s on the other, it would be my
mum’s family on one side and my dad’s on the other”
Female, 28-35, Leeds
However, the primary perceived barrier to weddings, cost, is more associated
with the commercialised nature of the contemporary wedding and people’s
unwillingness to settle for anything less than their dream day. The idea of
organising, and being seen to organise, a budget wedding is entirely
unacceptable for many people given the significance of the event and the
increasingly high expectations associated with it. Because there are often few
time pressures for couples to get married, people generally prefer to wait and
save for the wedding that they desire. In the same way, the pressure that
couples feel to organise the memorable event that the wedding is portrayed to
be can, if not prevent them from organising a wedding, also delay their
decision.
“I wanted the dream”
Female, 28-35, Leeds
Tensions surrounding weddings, and how these might be
overcome
The nature of the contemporary wedding means that in addition to happiness,
there can be a huge amount of tension associated with the event. One major
tension created by its various competing interests surrounds an uncertainty
about who the wedding is ‘for’. On one end of the spectrum, couples can see
the focus of the wedding day as themselves, which we define as a ‘my/our
day’ sentiment. At the other end is an idea that the focus of the wedding
should be the guests and their enjoyment during the day – ‘everyone’s day’.
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
26
‘My / Our
Day’
CONFLICT
‘Everyone’s
Day’
Figure 12: The ‘My/Our Day’ – ‘Everyone’s Day’ tension
‘My/our day’ sentiments are strongly associated with the trend of growing
individualism, and is keenly promoted by the wedding industry which
continually tells brides in particular that ‘it’s your day’. Some couples see the
wedding entirely in this light, and make decisions based on their own needs
and wants. This may be a consequence of a realisation that it is impossible to
please everyone. Some couples reject this attitude and conversely want the
day to be all about the guests rather than about themselves. One male
interviewed remarked that he found a recent wedding he attended very
strange because the couple “spent the whole time saying what would make
them most happy was that we [the guests] enjoyed ourselves”27.
Other couples sit somewhere in between and want to satisfy both groups.
While wanting to plan their perfect day they also see that family involvement is
in fact desirable and an important part of the wedding experience, as well as
inevitable – “I couldn't get married without my Mum. It's not just about me, it's
also about my Mum being mother of the bride” (Female, 28-35, Hampshire)28. It
should be possible to meet the demands of both groups as long as couples
recognise that a degree of compromise is necessary i.e. that their wedding is
not simply ‘my day’. However, the fact that the wedding industry continually
tells brides that their wedding is ‘all about them’ means that planning the
wedding can be confusing and upsetting given there are in fact multiple
parties involved. The idea that the Church could potentially play a significant
role in helping couples to overcome this tension is explored in section eight.
The extent of the appeal of a wedding abroad, even if people do not have
one in practice, is an indication of the stress levels associated with a wedding
at home. A proportion of our sample found the idea of a wedding abroad
highly appealing because they overcome almost all of the barriers mentioned
earlier. Weddings abroad are often cheaper than at home because the
guests tend to pay for it themselves, and they also include the honeymoon.
They are also a much less stressful way of organising an instantly memorable
event as packages are available and are a socially acceptable way of
planning a wedding. Finally, weddings abroad provide a straightforward
solution to the potential challenge of family politics as unwanted relatives are
readily ‘shed’ in this smaller, more intimate affair.
27
28
C of E/HCHLV Qualitative research, August 2006
Ibid.
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
27
However, despite their growing popularity, many couples do not opt for a
wedding abroad when perhaps they would like one because family
involvement is a too important part of the wedding to forgo. Albeit a growing
trend, only 11% British couples currently get married abroad29. Elderly family
members may be unable to travel to the wedding, or may have a very strong
desire that their children / grandchildren are married in a more traditional
venue. This said, while couples may concede behalf of their family, they may
harbour some resentment for having to do so, further accentuating the my/our
day – everyone’s day tension.
BBC News, 2007 “£4.6bn bill for UK wedded bliss” 26 February
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/3485692.stm
29
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
28
7. Church weddings
Why have a church wedding?
A couple’s choice of wedding venue is influenced by a highly personal range
of factors which may or may not cause them to progress through our
hypothetical ‘funnel’ and decide to have a church ceremony. At the outset,
there remains a widespread perception that a church is a more “proper”
venue for a wedding than other possible locations; 53% of the population
agree that “Church weddings feel more 'proper'”30, and perhaps surprisingly,
younger people and especially men are somewhat more likely to agree with
this statement.
On a 5 point scale... please rate the following in your choice to have the wedding ceremony in church...:
5 VERY important 4 3 2 1 NOT important Not relevant
100
90
80
6
5
2
12
7
3
4
11
17
5
70
60
9
16
23
9
9
9
8
7
7
6
7
6
7
7
7
21
22
23
10
11
10
9
8
9
22
25
19
30
15
9
13
15
25
11
29
22
24
19
26
40
12
7
27
50
8
8
24
23
23
21
25
18
18
52
42
20
41
37
29
31
30
10
26
26
The music / choir
/ bell ringing
available in a
church ceremony
The interior /
decorat ion of
t he church
22
28
18
0
We want ed a
'proper'
wedding
The location of
t he church or
chapel
The church has a
particular
meaning f or me
and / or my
part ner e.g.
where
christ ened,
where parent s
married et c
Religion: your
own or your
part ner's
The ext erior /
set ting of t hc
church building
The spirit ual /
sacred ambience
of t he church
The vicar who
will be
of ficiat ing
The ext ent t o
which you can
personalise t he
ceremony
Religion: your
f amily's or your
parnter's f amily's
The marriage
preparat ion
sessions
organised by t he
church
Figure 13: Factors motivating couples to have a church wedding (Base: all those currently
planning a church wedding)
Source: C of E / National Wedding Show / HCHLV research, October 2006
Church weddings have very strong associations – the bells, the old car, the
aisle, the organ – and are perceived as a key component of the traditional
‘white wedding’. Some couples opting for a church ceremony are attracted
by the security of the church wedding ‘formula’ (limitless choice can be
overwhelming as much as empowering). Others are drawn more directly by
the traditional dimension of getting married in church. While the preferences
of other family members for a traditional wedding do sometimes have an
30
C of E/HCHLV Omnibus research, November 2006
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
29
influence, many couples find this attractive themselves – “I’m quite traditional
really” (Male, 28-35 London)31. Only 23% of the population think that church
weddings are “too traditional”32, and this evidence of the ongoing appeal, or
even rejuvenation of tradition has been used to challenge social theories
around the erosion of tradition in contemporary life33. Nevertheless, it should be
noted that tradition by no means appeals to all couples, and there is also a
growing trend for ‘alternative’ and more personalised weddings34.
“The church is part of the fairytale wedding”
Female, 28-35, Leeds
It is also certainly the case that not all churches qualify for such ‘proper’
weddings because the aesthetics and ambience of the church are key
components of their appeal35. Church weddings are generally, although not
exclusively, associated with picturesque, old churches, which provide the key
features of an aisle for the bride to walk up and a scenic backdrop for the
photos. Many people also feel that the perceived solemn or even sacred
atmosphere of such church buildings adds more emotion to the event, and
potentially also more weight to the commitment, as will be discussed.
Regular church goers, meanwhile, are certainly likely to be influenced in their
decision to get married in church by the religious dimension, desiring to be
married “in the eyes of God”. Religion may also play a role in the decision of
those that do not attend church regularly, as a belief in God is not solely
associated with church attendance. Indeed 56% of couples planning a
church wedding claim that their own or their partner’s religion was important in
their decision to get married in church, a greater number than those claiming
that their family’s religious beliefs had an influence (47%)36. Family preferences
for a church ceremony do often play a significant role all the same.
“I work really long hours so my weekend is really precious to me… church
just doesn’t really fit in with my lifestyle… but it doesn’t mean I don’t have
some religious beliefs”
Female, 28-35, Leeds
Nevertheless, John Wallis, in his study of the secularisation of church weddings,
argues that though such latent religiosity certainly exists, it is in fact not a major
31
C of E/HCHLV Qualitative research, August 2006
C of E/HCHLV Omnibus research, November 2006
33 Wallis, J. 2002 “Loved the wedding, Invite me to the marriage” Sociological Research
Online, 7(4)
34 See, for example, Farry, E. 2006 “And the bride wore hotpants” Guardian, 18 August
35 See, for example, Jenkins, S. 2006 “The sad history of 20th century church design”
Guardian, 5 April
36
C of E/NWS/HCHLV research, October 2006
32
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
30
driver for church weddings37. However, the fact that the commitment is being
made in the institution of the church is a significant draw, as many couples are
attracted by the sense of gravitas that the church adds to the event. Even if,
as Wallis argues, God is often “not invited to the wedding”, the church remains
the primary validator of marriage, and many couples choosing a church
wedding believing that a marriage commitment made in church is more
‘weighty’ than one made in a non-religious venue. 38% of the population as a
whole feel that this is the case38.
“You’re getting married in the eyes of God, which is a bit stronger”
Female, 20-27, Hampshire
Indeed the Church’s strong support for marriage as an institution is a part of the
attraction of having a church wedding for many people, as the Church is one
of the few credible voices in contemporary society that demonstrates that it
takes the commitment seriously. For this reason marriage preparation sessions
may be an attraction of the church wedding experience – 36% of those getting
married in church say the sessions offered by the church were an important
part of their decision39. A significant proportion of the population more broadly
are also in favour of the idea that the church should offer support to couples as
they prepare for marriage, and then later in their married life (figure 14).
Although some couples are repelled by the idea that a ‘stranger’ has any
authority to have a say in their relationship, others feel that some kind of
provision to ‘check’ that they are doing the right thing by getting married is a
good idea. Several men in our sample were particularly favourable about the
prospect. However, the positioning of these sessions is hugely important to how
they are received by couples if they are not to become a negative aspect of
the church wedding experience (as will be discussed). People strongly believe
that any support offered is clearly optional; they are also likely to reject the
offer if a genuine relationship between the couple and the vicar or lay person
has not been established. Marriage also has different meanings within a
relationship, so different couples will also have different support requirements.
Nevertheless, there seems to be at least some appetite for marriage
preparation from couples which the Church could capitalise on.
“You can of course tell him what he wants to hear, but still, some kind of
chat with the vicar could be a good way of making people think
seriously about the decision they’re making”
Male, 28-35, London
Ibid.
C of E/HCHLV Omnibus research, November 2006
39
C of E/NWS/HCHLV research, October 2006
37
38
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
31
How much do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Agree strongly
If you get married in church,
the church should offer support
as you prepare for married life
Agree slightly
17
If you get married in church,
the church should offer support
as you organise the wedding
9
If you get married in church,
the church should offer support
in your married life
12
0
Neither agree nor disagree
27
14
33
27
20
17
33
30
Disagree strongly
32
25
10
Disagree slightly
40
50
13
60
70
80
8
Don't Know
3
13
3
12
3
90
100
Figure 14: Perceptions of church support of marriage
Source: C of E/HCHLV Omnibus research, November 2006
This personal dimension of a church ceremony is often a vital part of a couple’s
decision to have a church wedding, although it should be noted that some
couples see getting married in church as an entirely transactional relationship –
“I pay the vicar, he provides me with a service”. However, many couples do
believe that an ecclesiastical ceremony can be “more personal” than a civil
ceremony if they are able to build up a relationship with the vicar who will be
marrying them. While attempts by the vicar to get to know the couple are
perceived as invasive by some, if the relationship feels genuine it is usually
enormously appreciated, and can “make the day”. Couples who had
recently got married in church largely spoke about their vicar extremely
warmly, although often had not expected that this would be the case. Positive
characteristics of “good vicars” identified include being “modern”, “not too
stiff” and “approachable but not too matey”.
“You don’t get the feeling of on being on a treadmill in church”
Male, 36-45, London
“The ceremony was really warm and personal; he [the vicar] wasn’t just
reading from a book”
Female, 36-45, London
Some couples meanwhile choose to have a church wedding because a
particular church has a specific meaning to them even if they do not attend
regularly; being the family church, the place where their children were
christened, or where they attend Midnight Mass, for example. Such a
relationship may be the primary reason for wanting to get married in church;
one couple interviewed were solely motivated to have a church wedding by
the bride wanting to be close to her father who was buried at the church, even
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
32
though the church itself was not aesthetically pleasing in a traditional sense.
For other couples, a family link with a particular church is less a driver for
wanting to have a church wedding per se, rather more of a justification (to
themselves if to no-one else) for why they are “allowed” to get married in
church even if they are not a regular attendee. This issue is explored further in
the next section.
Why not?
Barriers to church weddings may be either of a kind that render couples
fundamentally opposed to the idea of getting married in church, or may be
those that can be overcome through good communication. ‘Religion’ is the
primary barrier cited by couples – 57% planning a non-church ceremony claim
that not feeling religious enough or not attending church regularly enough was
an important factor in their decision40. People frequently say that they would
feel “hypocritical” getting married in church. However, it is important to
understand that this same term is used by two different groups. First, there are
certainly a significant number of couples that either object to the church on
principle, or that feel that the church has absolutely no meaning in their life,
and so have no desire to have a church wedding.
"Why would I go somewhere to do something that's so important in my life
in a place that doesn't feature in my life at all?”
Female, Hampshire, 28-35
40
C of E/NWS/HCHLV research, October 2006
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
33
On a 5 point scale... please rate the following in your decision NOT to have a church wedding i.e. how important were they as barriers to having a church
5 VERY important 4 wedding:
3 2 1 NOT important Not relevant
100
90
25
80
70
60
50
40
39
4
3
45
47
51
60
54
9
30
61
71
12
40
8
3
11
16
13
7
4
11
2
16
8
48
10
20
10
45
26
14
3
16
7
14
15
14
4
11
13
14
4
25
15
11
5
6
16
6
11
12
4
5
11
11
9
I/ we wouldn't
have enough say
in how t he
ceremony would
go / couldn't
personalise it
enough
I/ we couldn't
find a vicar who
we really want ed
to perf orm t he
wedding
ceremony
Church
weddings are
t oo t radit ional
9
0
I/ we don't f eel The church is not I/ we don't like
I/we didn't like I/ we want a small
religious enough a place t hat has
t he idea of
t he f act t hat we
wedding
/ I/we don't
meaning f or me having t o at t end have t o go to a
practice religion
and/or my
church
seperat e venue
regularly
part ner
bef orehand
f or t he recept ion
I am/ we are put
of f by t he
prospect of an
int erview / premeet ings wit h
t he vicar
68
13
11
8
2
9
13
3
9
5
6
4
6
4
5
I/we t hink I don't
have t he right t o
get married in
church because
one/ bot h of us is
divorced
Church
weddings are
t oo expensive
I/ my part ner
does not live in
t he cat chment
area of the
church we want
to get married in
3
Figure 15: Factors discouraging couples to have a church wedding (Base: all those currently
planning a wedding in a non-church venue)
Source: C of E / National Wedding Show / HCHLV research, October 2006
However, a second group also say that they would feel hypocritical getting
married in church although they in fact find the idea very appealing. This
stems not from any negative feelings about the church, but rather from the
respect that large numbers have for the institution. Aside from those who feel
that a church wedding involves an entirely transactional relationship with the
Church, there is a relatively widespread belief that you need to be religious to
have ‘permission’ to get married in church, which people generally equate
with regular church attendance. However, most people do not attend
regularly so they believe they are ‘not religious enough’ to get married in
church, even if they truly believe in God. Furthermore, even if told that they
have the right to a church wedding, there is a strong reluctance to ‘take the
mickey’ by exercising this right. It is almost as if people fear that they will be
‘caught out’ as a fraud by God, or somehow devalue the church by doing so.
Many non-regular church goers who want to get married in church therefore
feel that they need something that justifies their desire to do so. What
constitutes sufficient permission is often a highly personal judgment, but is
usually in the form of an indirect relationship with the Church, for example, a
grandmother who attends, having been christened in a particular church, or a
partner’s religious beliefs. This indicates that the implicit understanding within
the Church that everyone within a particular parish is entitled to a church
wedding is not understood by all, and that many couples need the Church to
actively reach and give them permission to get married in church.
“My fiancé's religious beliefs are kind of my excuse for the church
wedding. If both of us felt the way I do then I’d find it very difficult to justify
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
34
getting married in church, and that would make me unhappy because I
do really want to.”
Female, 28-35, London
In the same vein, some couples who would like to have a church wedding in
principle are put off by a perception they need to “qualify” to get married in
church, and they may not be “good enough” to do so. In some cases this is
because people are aware that they do not attend church regularly, and they
are worried that this will be a problem. The fact that in certain circumstances,
some couples are required to attend church for a certain period before the
ceremony accentuates this perception of the need to be a regular churchgoer in order to have a church wedding. In other cases, couples believe that
the Church will judge their relationship to date because they have been
cohabiting – “living in sin” – before getting married. Again, the belief that the
Church may require you to attend marriage preparation ‘classes’ before the
wedding can accentuate this fear.
“The vicar can make you feel guilty and like you should have a certain
view of marriage or the church”
Male, 28-35, Hampshire
The relationship with the vicar themselves is absolutely vital in accentuating or
dissolving fears, particularly for men, who can be less inclined to think that a
church wedding is their ‘right’, and more concerned about proving they are
good enough for the Church. Indeed not finding a vicar that they wanted to
perform the ceremony was an important issues for 17% of couples who seriously
considered a church wedding but decided otherwise41. People are often
afraid of “the grilling” that they will receive when they first meet the vicar, even
if this is actually not the case and the vicar is simply trying to be friendly and to
get to know the couple.
“Meeting the vicar is like a job interview, like you have to sell yourself to
him”
Male, 28-35, Hampshire
There is essentially considerable confusion about who can get married in
church. Additional reasons why couples may not think they can get married in
church include uncertainty about whether it is necessary to live within the
parish of a particular church in order to get married there, and about the rights
of divorcees. Expense is also a very significant barrier for many, as there is a
general perception that a church ceremony is the most expensive way to get
married as it involves ‘all the trimmings’. Unsurprisingly, this is something that
men are particularly concerned about, Finally, further potential barriers for
41
C of E/NWS/HCHLV research, October 2006
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
35
having a church wedding include a feeling that a church ceremony is too
traditional, and a dislike of having to go to a separate venue for the reception,
although others believe that a change of venue is key to a good wedding.
The church wedding audience segmentation
While each of the drivers and barriers mentioned can play a significant role,
two key factors stand out in determining a couple’s disposition towards church
weddings: first, the extent to which they embrace or reject tradition (figure 16),
and second, their existing association with the Church (figure 17). Existing
feelings about the Church range from genuine resentment of the institution to
regular attendance, with various more ‘lukewarm’ sentiments in between.
Embrace
tradition /
convention
Reject
tradition /
convention
Figure 16: Spectrum of feelings towards tradition
Negative
Church
Associations
Positive
Church
Associations
May consider getting married in church
Resentment of
the Church
Apathy /
Irrelevant
Personal
conviction
Positive association
but no attendance
Attendance
as a child
Attend
occasionally
Attendance
of family
members
Figure 17: Spectrum of feelings towards the Church
Bringing together these two spectra together into a two-by-two matrix enables
us to segment the audience of those choosing a wedding venue (figure 18).
From this, we can identify a series of different groups with differing attitudes
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
36
towards church weddings, and how likely each is to consider a church
wedding. All groups that may find a church wedding attractive (in our opinion)
are highlighted in green on the diagram below (figure 19). It is important to
note that depending on their position on the map, couples will have different
communications requirements from the Church. We suggest some implications
for the Church below (figure 20).
More likely to
choose
another historic
building e.g.
castle
Embrace
tradition /
convention
Want a church
wedding and
a transactional
relationship
Negative
association
with the
church
Need
reassurance
for a church
ceremony
Church
wedding
default –
already well
catered for
Need
‘permission’
for a church
ceremony
Want a
church
ceremony but
not the ‘white
wedding’
Want a
unique and
personalised
location/
ceremony
Reject
tradition /
convention
Positive
association
with the
church
Church weddings are
potentially attractive to
couples at all of these
positions on the spectrum
Figure 18: The church wedding audience segmentation
Source: HCHLV
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
37
More likely to
choose
another historic
building e.g.
castle
Embrace
tradition /
convention
Don’t want to get
too involved
Want a church
wedding and
a transactional
relationship
Negative
association
with the
church
Need
reassurance
for a church
ceremony
Need most help
and to be given
permission
Need
‘permission’
for a church
ceremony
Want a
church
ceremony but
not the ‘white
wedding’
Want a
unique and
personalised
location/
ceremony
Reject
tradition /
convention
Church
wedding
default –
already well
catered for
Positive
association
with the
church
Want most
flexibility and
opportunity to
personalise
Figure 19: Communications needs of the different audiences
Source: HCHLV
Need most help and to be given permission
•These couples want a traditional white wedding for a variety of reasons, and have
generally favourable feelings towards the Church
•However they feel that it might not be ‘right’ to get married in church because they are not
regular church goers or very religious
•They need the Church to actively give them ‘permission’ to have a church ceremony,
without diminishing their sense of reverence for the Church
Don’t want to get too involved
•This group also wants to have a traditional wedding, but generally feels fairly indifferent
towards the Church
•They see their relationship with the Church as transactional – “I pay the vicar to provide me
with a service” – and are generally not interested in further engagement with the Church
Want most flexibility and opportunity to personalise
•This group has a good relationship with the Church but is less interested in the conventional
church wedding ‘package’
•They may well want to have a church ceremony, but want it to be more personal, and
potentially smaller than the conventional church wedding
•Communications from the Church that only portray very traditional church weddings may
well be off putting for these couples
Figure 20: Implications for Church communications
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
38
8. Conclusions and recommendations
In conclusion, we have shown that marriage remains as important, if not more
so, than ever in the contemporary context of the tension that couples
experience between individualism and a desire for stability and security.
Commitment in a relationship is without doubt not simply equated with
marriage, and many cohabiting couples are exceedingly committed to one
another. However, marriage, understood as an additional and ‘final’
emotional commitment to a partner, is highly esteemed by many, and is
generally seen as a hugely serious decision, in particular by men. In addition to
desiring the additional security that a marriage commitment brings to a
relationship, some couples are in part motivated by external influences
including ideas about ideal family structures. This said, there are numerous
reasons why couples in long term relationships do not marry. Some
fundamentally object to the idea of needing to prove their relationship through
marriage, while others are simply not ready or willing to make the commitment
yet. Significant numbers worry that marriage will change their relationship for
the worse.
The meaning of the contemporary wedding, meanwhile, has also evolved.
While primarily remaining the occasion on which a marriage commitment is
made, weddings have also become a focal point of our accelerating
consumption culture, which is contributing to a growing disconnect between
marriage and the wedding in many cases. The desire to get married to the
person you love remains the key motivation for both men and women to plan a
wedding, however the wedding experience has additional appeal for women
in particular. Further tensions faced by couples organising a wedding include
the competing demands of creating the couple’s (or even just the bride’s)
perfect day with the desires of the guests, who remain an important part of the
day despite the complications they bring.
Churches are seen by many as a “proper” venue for the marriage ceremony,
and many couples getting married in church are buying-in to the traditional
‘white wedding’. Religious beliefs can play a role in a couple’s decision,
although they are not usually the primary driver. This said, many are attracted
by the sense of gravitas that the church adds to the event, desiring an
association with this key defender of marriage and/or the enhanced emotion
and ambiance of a wedding in church. However, religion is the primary
obstacle to couples choosing a church ceremony. Some people’s
disagreement with the Church’s values leave them fundamentally opposed to
the idea. Significant numbers of others would like to get married in church but
feel ‘hypocritical’ or ‘cheeky’ doing so if they are not a regular churchattendee; couples often have numerous concerns about whether or not they
‘qualify’ for a church wedding. The nature of the vicar’s engagement with the
couple can either accentuate these fears, or can be a key attraction of
getting married in church, often ‘making the couple’s day’.
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
39
Recommendations
This project has focused on the attitudes of couples towards marriage,
weddings and church weddings, and has not involved a review of the Church
of England’s own policy and strategy for support of marriage and church
weddings going forward. However, having carried out this research a number
of strategic insights have emerged, leading us to the following top level
recommendations:
1. First, we believe that there is ‘space’ within contemporary society for the
Church to talk about marriage given the extent of popular support for
marriage in the face of an apparent moral ‘void’. It is absolutely
reasonable for the Church to have a strong view on marriage, and to
firmly hold to its values; people are in fact counting on the Church to do
so. For this reason it seems entirely acceptable that the Church should
look to support and to strengthen the relationships of the couples that it
engages with, and so to continue to offer marriage support, even if it
does not appeal to everyone. It also seems that much of the population
would be very receptive to positive communications from the Church
about the merits of marriage. One anxiety in particular that it could look
to address is the common fear that marriage will negatively change a
relationship.
2. Second, we would argue that while it is important that the Church tailors
its services to the ‘customer’ like any good service brand, it is vital that
the institution recognises the importance of clear, coherent and
unapologetic communication about what the Church does in fact stand
for. It is absolutely vital for many couples that the Church continues to
take marriage as seriously as it does, and to continue to emphasise that
the wedding is primarily about the marriage commitment. In the same
way that brands accept that they cannot be ‘all things to all men’, the
reality is that church weddings will not be attractive to all couples
(although the fact that that everyone is entitled to get married in church
without doubt remains important). We would suggest that the Church
should consider which couples it wants to focus its efforts on actively
reaching out to, and clarify its communications about its position on
marriage.
3. This said, there are specific things that the Church could do to better
meet the needs of several of its audiences. In particular, this research
has highlighted the need to actively reach out to couples thinking about
wedding venues, and to make explicit those implicit understandings
within the Church about who is entitled to a church wedding. A
significant number of couples urgently need the Church to give them
‘permission’ to get married in church, and to confirm to them that they
do not devalue the institution by having a church wedding if they are
not a regular church-goer. Some couples also need to be actively
reassured that they do not need to pass a test in order to qualify for a
church wedding, and that the vicar is primarily looking to support and
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
40
befriend the couple rather than to judge their relationship. The Church
should critically consider factors that perpetuate any perceptions that
regular church attendance is necessary in order to have a church
wedding, such as the requirement to attend church for a period prior to
the ceremony. Vicars also need to be aware of the significance of the
first meeting to the couple, and that over-eagerness to get to know the
couple (“the grilling”) can be perceived as an interview.
4. Other audiences have different requirements from the Church. Some
simply want their wedding to involve a transactional relationship with the
Church, and will be frustrated by vicars’ efforts to get to know the
couple. Vicars need to be trained in order to recognise different
couples’ needs at as early a stage possible, and to respond
accordingly. Other couples find the association of church weddings
with tradition off-putting even though other aspects of getting married in
church appeal to them. The Church may want to consider developing
communications that portray non-traditional church ceremonies
alongside traditional “fairytale weddings” which retain huge appeal for
many.
5. It is very clear that the personal dimension of church weddings, in
particular a couple’s relationship with their vicar, is absolutely vital to
their church wedding experience. The Church should do everything it
can to train and encourage vicars to welcome and support couples,
including ensuring that they fully understand contemporary meanings of
marriage. It should also be aware of the value that the personal nature
of the ceremony adds to couple’s experience, and look to emphasis this
’USP’ (unique selling point) more.42
6. Finally, the challenging nature of contemporary meanings of marriage
and weddings mean that couples preparing for marriage and planning
a wedding have many anxieties that the Church could at least partially
alleviate. For example, the Church could help couples to understand
and overcome the tension between individualism vs a desire for security
within their relationship; it could provide particular support for men
helping them to overcome fears about the seriousness of the decision; it
could help couples to overcome some of the stresses involved with the
contemporary wedding experience, including the my/our day –
everyone’s day tension; it could help couples to negotiate the
competing consumer fantasy and marriage commitment dimensions of
the wedding; and it could provide practical guidance for how to
manage family politics on the wedding day.
NB This recommendation is supported by the University of Surrey’s research.
Roehampton Social Research Unit, University of Surrey, 2003 Church Support of Marriage
and Adult Relationships in Southern England Commissioned by the Bishop of Guilford,
funded by the Lord Chancellor’s Department under the Marriage and Adult
Relationship Programme
42
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
41
Appendices
Appendix A: Qualitative research sample and recruitment criteria
Cheam,
Greater
London
22nd August
2006
Eastleigh,
Hampshire
23rd August
2006
Sutton
Coldfield,
Midlands
Leeds
29th – 30th
August 2006
24th August
2006
Depth
1
MF, 28-35
MF, 20-27
MF, 36-45
MF, 28-35
Depth
2
MF, 36-45
MF, 36-45
MF, 28-35
MF, 20-27
Group
1
Male, 28-35
Male, 28-35
Male, 20-27
Male, 36-45
Group
2
Female, 20-27
Female, 28-35
Female, 36-45
Female, 28-35
AGE
SOCIAL
GRADE
REGION
ETHNICITY
REGION
In a relationship, not
planning a wedding,
not adverse to
marriage but averse to
church wedding
In a relationship, not
planning a wedding,
not adverse to
marriage or a church
ceremony
In a relationship,
planning a church
wedding in the next
year
Married in a church
ceremony within last
year
• Groups / depths alternated between three broad age groups –
“younger” (20 – 27), “mid” (28 – 35) and “older” (36 – 45)
• An even spread of respondents, across groups B, C1 C2 and D
• Groups / depths held in four locations – metropolitan (London),
urban (North), suburban (Midlands), rural (South West)
• Aimed to recruit two couples from Black and Minority Ethnic (BME)
backgrounds in depth interviews, and four from BME backgrounds
within the groups
• Non-regular church goers (i.e. do not attend church more than six
times a year, excluding births, deaths, marriages, Christmas and
Easter), but at least one member of couples and all group
respondents identified with the C of E (do not identify with a nonChristian faith, or with another Christian denomination e.g. Baptist,
Pentecostal, Methodist). In addition at least one couple interviewed
were more regular church goers
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
42
Appendix B: Quantitative research sample
Omnibus survey:
•
Online survey of adults 16-64 (results weighted to nationally average
sample) – 10 questions and 12 attitudinal statements
•
Number of respondents: 1010
•
Survey period: 23 – 26 November 2006
•
Research agency: BMRB
National Weddings Show survey:
•
24 attitudinal statements and two profiling questions added to National
Wedding Show’s (NWS) face to face survey at Earl’s Court and NEC
shows
•
Number of respondents: 1742 – 58% brides, 14% grooms, 28% other
friends and family
•
Survey period: Earl’s Court (29 Sept – 1 Oct 2006) and NEC (13 – 15 Oct
2006)
•
Research agency: Farrugia Leo
•
NB While this is an excellent sample size of couples currently planning or
considering planning a wedding, however, it should be recognised that
the people who choose to attend an event like the National Weddings
Show are not necessarily representative of all wedding planners
© HCHLV 2007. All rights reserved. A report for the Church of England
43