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Lights up on the kitchen of Ivan
the Barber. Karolina is sitting
there, reading her newspaper and
thoroughly enjoying her cup of
coffee. The newspaper has a large
headline that reads: SPAIN IN
CHAOS.
Ivan yawns and enters his kitchen.
He starts to pour himself a glass
of his beverage of choice: vodka.
But he catches Karolina’s eye and
changes his mind. Instead, he
pours himself a cup of coffee.
Karolina smiles. He toasts her
with the coffee cup. He drinks.
And makes a face. He pretends to
like it and drinks again. He
kisses his wife. She smiles.
Ivan smells something delicious:
his wife’s fresh baked bread. He
immediately goes to the sideboard,
where a fresh loaf is cooling. He
picks it up. It is hot. He juggles
it. His wife rolls her eyes, but
she’s amused. Ivan enjoys making
her laugh, so he overplays it.
He juggles it to the table and
picks up a gigantic knife. He
makes an elaborate ceremony of
slicing the loaf of bread. He
gestures to his wife, asking if
she wants a slice. She smiles,
shakes her head, and goes back to
the paper.
Ivan slices the loaf in half. He
notices something in the middle of
one half. He pokes at it with the
knife, then puts the knife down
and pokes at it with his finger.
It’s difficult to get out.
Finally, he pulls out…a nose!
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He holds it up so the audience can
see it. He looks at it from all
angles. He is suddenly fearful
that it’s his OWN nose!
He throws it on the table and
covers it with a bowl.
He fingers his face and is
comforted to find everything in
place.
Meanwhile, the nose gets up and
starts sneaking away. Ivan thinks
he sees something, looks at the
nose, which immediately freezes
back to an inanimate object. Ivan
looks away again, the nose moves
again. Again, Ivan doesn't quite
catch its movement. The nose moves
a third time. This time, Ivan sees
it and seizes it in his hand.
His wife looks up from her paper.
KAROLINA
And what is that, Ivan Varlamovich?
He tries to hide the nose. She
snaps her fingers and puts out her
hand, demanding he give it to her.
He does. She inspects it.
KAROLINA
A nose? A nose!? Where did it come from? Oh, Ivan! No!
What unlucky face lost its nose to your clumsy fingers?
He shrugs his shoulders. He
doesn’t know.
KAROLINA
I knew it would happen someday. Customers are always
complaining. You grab their noses too hard! “Careful there,
Ivan!” they say, “it’ll snap off in your hand!” And this
time it actually did! Get rid of it. Immediately! Someone
is sure to discover their own nose has gone missing. The
police will come and take you away to some secret Siberian
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KAROLINA (cont)
prison and I’ll be left a penniless widow! Oh, Ivan.Take it
away. Quickly!
Ivan snatches up the nose, wraps
it in a napkin and hides it in his
pocket. He exits.
Lights up on Nevsky Prospect.
Ivan runs into the square, looking
for somewhere to dump the nose. He
is about to leave it in a doorway.
But he's approached by the
Servant, out doing errands.
SERVANT
Ivan, you sly dog! Out early for a change? Or just out of
vodka?
The Servant laughs and slaps him
on the back. Ivan almost drops the
nose, but manages to get it back
into his pocket.
The Servant walks on and Ivan
tries something else. He jiggles
his pocket to cause the nose to
"accidentally" fall out. When he’s
sure no one is looking, he
“accidentally” drops the nose on
the ground.
Madame Magda walks by with Fidele
the dog. Both are once again
wearing interesting hats.
Fidele sees the nose, smells it,
picks it up and plays with it.
MADAME MAGDA
Fidele! No! How many times have I told you about picking up
nasty things on the street? Drop it. Drop it.
Fidele shakes her head “no.”
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Fidele!
MADAME MAGDA
Fidele takes the nose over to
Ivan, looks up at him, then drops
the nose at his feet. The dog
stares at him. He tries to shoo
her away. Fidele won’t go. Ivan
tries again. She wags her tail.
Finally, Ivan stamps his feet at
the dog. Fidele YELPS in alarm and
runs off stage.
MADAME MAGDA
Fidele! Fidele, come back here!
Ivan thinks he’s finally free of
the nose and starts to walk away.
He walks into Captain Teplov, who
has been watching the entire
charade, frowning.
Drop something?
TEPLOV
Ivan quakes in his boots. He
quickly picks up the nose and
hides it in his pocket. He scrapes
and bows to Teplov and hurries
away.
Ivan runs over to the bridge and
looks around to make sure he's
alone.
YOUNG GIRL SELLING ORANGES
Oranges. Oranges for sale. Two kopecks a piece.
She approaches Ivan.
Orange, sir?
YOUNG GIRL SELLING ORANGES
Ivan shakes his head "no."
YOUNG GIRL SELLING ORANGES
All the way from Spain. Here, smell.
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She thrusts an orange under his
nose…which reminds him of the nose
in his pocket.
In fact, perhaps the nose in his
pocket smells the orange and tries
to creep out for a better sniff.
Ivan pushes the nose back in and
shoos the Orange Girl away.
Suit yourself.
YOUNG GIRL SELLING ORANGES
She walks away a few feet, but
turns around to watch Ivan. He
leans over the rail, pretending to
look for fish. He points to one
and gestures, showing the swimming
action of the fish and silently
laughs.
She suspects he’s crazy and
hurries off to get Teplov. Ivan
continues to point, then subtly
takes out the nose and
"accidentally” drops it into the
water. We hear the splash. He then
uses the napkin to blow his own
nose, smiles, and takes a deep
breath of relief. He starts to
walk away.
But Teplov has witnessed the toss
into the river. Ivan sees him and
stops smiling. Teplov gestures
with one finger, inviting him to
come closer.
Ivan fearfully approaches. Teplov
roughly takes Ivan offstage.
A moment later, we hear a
commotion in the river and the
voice of a grownup in a Peanuts
cartoon warbling something that
sounds like "help, help!"
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The Servant wanders past, now
carrying a package wrapped in
paper. He hears the shouting,
looks in the river, and throws
down his package. He helps to drag
out of the river A VERY LARGE
NOSE. This Nose is taller than the
Servant. A giant nose with legs.
The Nose mumbles its thanks.
SERVANT
You're welcome. Are you all right, sir?
The Nose is shaking with cold.
SERVANT
You're shaking like a leaf, sir.
He considers for a moment, then
rips open the package.
SERVANT
Here, sir. These are my master's, but under the
circumstances, I'm sure he wouldn't mind.
He helps to dress the Nose in an
overly decorated jacket.
SERVANT
There. It looks quite nice. Much better than it ever would
on him.
And the Nose does look quite
magnificent. He takes on an air of
superiority and preens a bit. He
mumbles his thanks in that Peanuts
voice.
SERVANT
You're welcome, sir. Let me be of service.
He leads the Nose offstage.
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Lights come up on Kovalev in a
nightshirt, lying in bed. He
awakes, stretches, and makes a
strange sound with his mouth, as
though warming up his lips. Life
is good.
This same Servant enters in a
hurry with a cup of coffee.
Kovalev is still lying down. We
cannot see his face.
SERVANT
Good morning, sir. Did you sleep well?
KOVALEV
Excellent! Excellent! Was my new waistcoat ready at the
tailor's?
Uh - no, sir.
SERVANT
KOVALEV
The man is slow as molasses. Pytor, my mirror. I must see
whether that pimple on my nose has disappeared. Can’t go
about town with a pimple on one’s nose, can one?
No, sir.
Water! Water!
SERVANT
He hands him a looking glass.
Kovalev sits up, the mirror
covering the front of his face.
He gasps. He drops the mirror. We
see – he has no nose. Kovalev
feels his face and indeed, the
nose is missing. He searches
around on his bed – no nose.
KOVALEV
The Servant rushes to the
washbasin to get a pitcher of
water. He notices Kovalev’s
missing nose and is a bit shocked.
He throws the water at Kovalev.
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Kovalev spits and chokes. The
Servant immediately realizes his
mistake and brings Kovalev a
towel. Kovalev dries off – and
again feels through the towel that
he has no nose. He cries in horror
all over again.
KOVALEV
Wait, wait! I must be dreaming. Yes, a nightmare! That’s
what it is.
Kovalev makes quite a show of
pinching himself. It hurts. A lot.
KOVALEV
Ouch! (he checks the mirror again)
It’s gone.
No, no, no. It’s gone.
Kovalev jumps out of bed and the
Servant rushes to dress him.
Kovalev is agitated and won't
stand still.
Oh, never mind.
KOVALEV
Kovalev finishes dressing himself
and exits.
The Servant suddenly realizes that
his own nose may also have
disappeared. He picks up the hand
mirror and is relieved to find his
own nose is where it should be.
Kovalev runs out into the street,
holding a handkerchief to his
face, as though he had a bloody
nose instead of no nose at all.
Taxi! Taxi!
KOVALEV
Of course there are no taxis.
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Never mind!
KOVALEV
Kovalev rushes past LOTS OF
PEOPLE. He sees the shop with a
sign that shows a Giant Croissant.
A BAKER brings out a tray full of
pastries and walks past Kovalev.
He sees them, but realizes he
cannot smell them. He tries waving
the scent of freshly baked pastry
under his – oh, yeah. No nose.
He’s frantic. He peers into the
window of the shop. He slowly
takes away the handkerchief to see
whether the nose has returned. It
hasn’t.
There is a commotion in the street
behind him. The Gaggle of Gossips
waddles past.
GOSSIPS
I hear it’s an extraordinarily important person! Maybe the
Queen of Spain. Not likely.
There is a fanfare of trumpets. A
parade of small girls tossing
flower petals. Kovalev has to
press against the crowd to see who
is coming. He spots his blue
waistcoat on a GIANT NOSE.
But, but, but –
KOVALEV
The Nose now also sports an
enormous stand up collar almost as
big as he is, a hat with a
ridiculously large plumed feather,
and a sword. The Nose smells the
wonderful fresh-baked pastries.
He delights in the scent. It’s
almost sensual. The crowd also
smells the pastries.
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They OOH and AH. Kovalev is
frantic. He smells nothing.
The Nose indicates he wants two
pastries. Baker wraps them up and
starts to hand them to the Nose,
who snaps his fingers and
indicates they should be handed to
the Servant. The Servant indicates
“make it three” – one for himself.
The Baker obliges.
GOSSIPS
Such finery! Such grace! A nose of distinction! A nasal
triumph! Surely Nevsky Prospect has never been so honored.
Love that feather. So fashionable!
The Nose becomes aware of the
crowd and walks down the street,
greeting his fans. Perhaps he
signs a few autographs.
Kovalev tries to follow, but there
are lots of people in his way. He
sees the Nose enter the cathedral.
Kovalev approaches, but the Beggar
Woman looms before him.
If you please, sir.
Bah!
BEGGAR WOMAN
KOVALEV
Kovalev pushes past the woman and
enters the church. The Beggar
Woman again wags her finger at
him. She cackles.
Lights up in the cathedral. We
see the reflections of stained
glass on the floor.
Kovalev looks around and finds the
church empty…except for his Nose,
who is kneeling and praying, his
absurd hat beside him.
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Kovalev approaches cautiously,
unsure about how to proceed.
Kovalev clears his throat. No
response. He coughs. No response.
KOVALEV (whispering)
Excuse me. Sir. Excuse me.
The Nose looks up at him.
KOVALEV (whispering louder)
It's very strange to find you here. In church, I mean.
Instead of where you belong. On my face.
The Nose rises. He is taller than
Kovalev, who is a bit intimidated.
KOVALEV (full voice)
Yes, well. Look for yourself! You see?!?
Kovalev removes the handkerchief
to show his lack of nose. His Nose
is not impressed.
KOVALEV
I am a man of position. And you are – well, you’re my nose.
It just isn’t done for a man like me to go around town like
this. Without you. My nose, I mean. Surely you understand!
The Nose kneels and returns to his
prayers.
KOVALEV
Think of the rules and conventions of society! To go about
without a nose. It isn’t done! It just isn't done. And you,
sir, are MY nose! My OWN nose!
Kovalev realizes he is getting
nowhere and stomps off just as
Karolina has entered the church.
She quickly kneels and says a
prayer. He sees her and forgets
all about his lack of nose.
Kovalev straightens his shirt,
makes sure his lapel pin reading
"Tuesday" is straight. He
approaches her.
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KOVALEV (whispering loudly)
Why, my dear Madame Varlamovich.
He bows, waving his handkerchief
with a flourish. She looks up to
see him…sans nose. She screams.
She now realizes whose nose has
gone missing. Kovalev realizes
he's accidentally exposed his lack
of nose. Karolina quickly exits.
Kovalev bursts into tears.
Madame Magda and the unrolled
Oksana enter the church.
MADAME MAGDA
Oksana, who is the patron saint of lost animals? Saint
Philomena or Saint Nikolai the Wondermaker? Never mind,
we’ll light candles to both.
She weeps. Kovalev weeps. They
weep together. Magda spots the
weeping Kovalev and approaches.
MADAME MAGDA
Why, Konstantin Kovalev. I had no idea you loved our little
pooch as much as we do! I knew you had a kind soul. Not to
worry. I'm sure Fidele will be home soon.
Kovalev quickly dries his tears,
tries to blow his nose…but
remembers and just uses the
handkerchief to cover his face
again.
KOVALEV
Yes, yes. Must go. Good day.
He walks away from Magda. He
thinks. He decides. He turns.
KOVALEV
This is absurd! I’ll give that nose a piece of my mind!
But the Nose has left the church.
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Kovalev rushes out to Nevsky
Prospect, looking left and right
for his Nose. He spies Teplov,
whose hat now sports large
feathers.
KOVALEV
Aha! Captain Teplov! Exactly the man I need! Such a
catastrophe!
Kovalev still holds the
handkerchief to his nose.
TEPLOV
Isn’t it, though? What has happened to this town? It was
once such an orderly place. But now, the clocks won’t keep
time. Littering is rampant.
KOVALEV
What? Listen, Captain! (he whispers) Sophie says you are a
man with … connections.
Connections?
TEPLOV
KOVALEV
Please! I must find him! He’s – tall.
Small nose, large nose?
TEPLOV
KOVALEV
Large. Very large. Wearing a hat with an absurd feather.
Feather you say?
Something wrong?
TEPLOV
They look around. And suddenly it
seems hats with absurd feathers
are all the rage. Everyone – men
and women – is strolling about in
hats with absurdly large feathers.
Kovalev notices Teplov's
befeathered hat.
TEPLOV
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Oh, never mind!
KOVALEV
He rushes down the street, peering
under each hat, each time a little
more desperate, hoping to find his
nose. He walks into someone
leaving a shop. He looks up. The
banner portrays a newspaper, its
headline reads: “The Whole Truth.”
Kovalev has an idea and rushes
inside.
Inside, a VERY OLD CLERK wearing a
pence nez and a tailcoat sits on a
stool at a music stand desk – very
Charles Dickens. His coat seems
to be made entirely of newsprint.
Kovalev and rushes to the desk.
You, sir.
KOVALEV
I want to take out an advertisement.
One moment, please.
OLD CLERK
KOVALEV (leaning in to whisper)
It’s a rather - peculiar advertisement –
Yes, yes. One moment.
OLD CLERK
He flicks the beads of an abacus
in a dramatic fashion, adding up
the cost of an advertisement.
Kovalev doesn’t notice the woman
ahead of him, weeping into her own
handkerchief.
MAGDA
My precious little dog. Poor Fidele!
Kovalev quickly turns away so
Magda won’t see him. But Oksana
does. She shyly waves a flat hand
at him.
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He waves back, but puts his finger
to his lips so she won’t alert
Magda. Oksana nods.
OLD CLERK
That will be one ruble, thirty five kopecks.
Magda hands him the money. Weeping
loudly, she and Oksana exit.
Oksana waves to Kovalev.
OLD CLERK (calling to her)
And good luck finding him, my dear. Not a lot of dogs in
hats running loose these days.
Kovalev comes out of hiding.
KOVALEV
Now sir, about my ad. It’s extremely important!
The Clerk rearranges his abacus.
And his desk. Perhaps has a sip of
tea. He takes his time.
OLD CLERK
Yes, yes. Right away. Now, Mr. Impatient. What can I do for
you?
I want to place an ad.
KOVALEV
OLD CLERK (dripping with sarcasm)
Really? (he quickly runs down his list) Item for sale?
No, not that.
Position wanted?
No, no.
Lost and found?
KOVALEV
OLD CLERK
KOVALEV
OLD CLERK
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KOVALEV
Yes, exactly! “Whoever apprehends this knave will be richly
rewarded.”
The Old Clerk scribbles and counts
on the abacus.
OLD CLERK
Richly rewarded. Good. Now. Was it a large sum of money?
KOVALEV
Not money! He ran off with –
Your wife!
No.
OLD CLERK
KOVALEV
OLD CLERK
Your daughter! Ah, the scandal of it all!
No, no, no!
KOVALEV
OLD CLERK
Don’t tell me he ran off with your own mother!
No! He ran off with my –
KOVALEV
Kovalev points to his lack of
nose, hidden behind the
handkerchief he holds to his face
with one beringed hand.
OLD CLERK
Your handkerchief. He ran off with your handkerchief!
Argh!
KOVALEV
OLD CLERK
Your ring? No, wait, don't tell me. I'll get it.
Kovalev is exasperated.
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KOVALEV
My nose! He ran off with my nose!
OLD CLERK
Ah hah! Yes. Terrible. Scandalous. Now. This Mr. Nose. Is
that N-O-S-E or K-N-O-W-S?
KOVALEV
No! Not Mr. Nose. MY nose! My nose. My very own nose. Look,
you fool! It’s gone. Run away. Disappeared.
OLD CLERK
A missing nose. Most unusual.
KOVALEV
I’m glad you agree. So you’ll run my ad?
Sorry. Can’t do it.
What?!?
Can’t run your ad.
Why not?
OLD CLERK
KOVALEV
OLD CLERK
KOVALEV
OLD CLERK
Reputation of the paper. People will say, "There you go
again. Making up stories. Whatever happened to The Whole
Truth?”
KOVALEV
But it IS the truth! See for yourself!
Kovalev whips away the hanky. The
Old Clerk takes a close look.
OLD CLERK
Very interesting. Flat as a pancake.
KOVALEV
See! So you’ll print the advertisement? Yes?
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OLD CLERK
No. Sorry. You know, it's really more poetry than
“reportage.” Aha! I have it. You should commission a
sonnet, or perhaps a haiku. Hmm. (counting syllables)
“Focus on my face
It is missing, very sad
Please help find my nose.”
KOVALEV
I don’t want a poem. I want my nose!
OLD CLERK
So many things rhyme with nose - rose, bows, doze, crows…
The Old Clerk takes out a snuff
box, snorts a bit, sneezes, then
offers it to Kovalev.
Care for a pinch?
Well!
OLD CLERK
KOVALEV
There’s no need to joke about it!