d
ρmeo and juli
Mel Chua
June 12, 2004
d was first performed as a staged reading (acts 1-3.1, anyway) for Olin
ρmeo and juli
College’s 2nd Exposition, May 2004. The script was projected over the heads of the actors.
The cast was as follows (in order of appearance). Note that a cardboard cutout of President
George W. Bush was originally cast in the part of Balthasar, but went missing.
Narrator
Mel Chua
Sampson
Christie Lee
Abraham
Will Clayton
Gregory
Sara Marshall
Balthasar
Random Audience Member (Madge Dodson)
Benvario
Cody Wheeland
φbalt
Sylvie Boiteau
Root
Emma Goodman
ρmeo
Mark Penner
Capulet
Sara Marshall
πris
Sylvie Boiteau
Curveant
Will Clayton
Nurse
DJ Gallagher
d
juli
Laura Stupin
MerGNUtio
Christie Lee
Friar Lorentz
Etosha Cave
d to life late at
Mad props to the cast and pseudocast who first brought ρmeo and juli
night, act by act, in the 2nd floor antelounge. Thanks to DJ Gallagher for his careful editing
of the first few acts and the insertion of obscure computer references. And to Alex Wheeler,
without whose bedtime story this script would not have come into being - go to sleep!
1
T
1
Prologue
wo functions, both alike in dignity,
~
In fair V ectrona,
where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where
Pn
x=1 f (x)
= x̄.
n
(sum of f over n equals the mean)
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of cross’d vectors take their life;
Whose misadventured piteous overthrows
Do with their death bury their parents’ strife.
The ~0 (zero) product of their death-mark’d love
And
lim0
theirparents rage→∞
(the continuance of their parents’ rage)
Which, but their children’s end, nought could remove,
Is now the half-hour’s traffic of our stage;
The which if you with patient ears attend,
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.
2
A Street
Enter four curve-ants, SAMPSON and GREGORY of the Function of Capulet, and ABRAHAM and BALTHASAR of the Function of Montague. BALTHASAR is an inanimate object
or an unwitting audience member.
SAMPSON uses the right-hand rule in a derisive gesture towards ABRAHAM and BALTHASAR.
ABRAHAM Do you curl your hand at us, sir?
SAMPSON I do curl my hand, sir.
ABRAHAM Do you curl your hand at us, sir?
SAMPSON Is n̂ on our side, if I say ay?
GREGORY No.
SAMPSON No, sir, I do not curl my hand at you, sir, but I curl my hand, sir.
GREGORY Do you quarrel, sir?
ABRAHAM Quarrel, sir! No, sir.
SAMPSON If you do, sir, I am for you: I curve as good a span as you.
ABRAHAM
dT
dT
(Capulet) 6>
(M ontague)!
ds
ds
(The curvature of Capulet...)
GREGORY Say ‘ >,’ here comes one of my master’s kinsmen.
SAMPSON
dT
dT
(Capulet) >
(M ontague)!
ds
ds
ABRAHAM You lie.
SAMPSON Draw, you fungus-ridden plum tree!
They whip out pencils and notepads and begin to duel - which means scribbling furiously
on the notepads.
Enter BENVARIO
BENVARIO Part, fools! Put down your pencils; you know not what you do.
Removes case, beats down their pencils with his TI-89, and takes a look at their notepads
BENVARIO What now! Division by zero? You really know not what you do.
Enter φBALT with his HP drawn
φBALT What, art thou drawn among these heartless hinds? Rotate about thine z-axis,
BENVARIO, look upon thy death.
BENVARIO I do but keep the peace: decrease the φ of thy calculator, Or manage it to
increase
~
~
||Sampson
− Abraham||
with me.
φBALT What, drawn, and talk of peace!
Peace = <instance word at 0x39ab949a>
(Peace is an instance of word at 0x39ab949a)
self.hatred(Peace) = self.hatred(Hell) = self.hatred(<Class Montague>) =
self.hatred(BENVARIO) :
Have at thee, coward!
They have a calculator duel - which mostly entails standing face to face, snarling, and
pushing buttons furiously.
Enter ROOT, the superuser-that-wields-mighty-power. Everyone stops fighting and looks
sheepish.
ROOT Fruitless functions, enemies to #root, throw your mistemper’d weapons to the
ground. Thy civil brawls have thrice disturb’d the quiet of our streets. If ever you disturb
our streets again, Your lives shall pay the forfeit of the peace.
Exeunt all but BENVARIO
Enter ρMEO.
BENVARIO Good-morrow, cosine.
ρMEO Is the day so young?
BENVARIO But new struck nine.
ρMEO Ay me! sad hours seem long.
BENVARIO What sadness lengthens ρMEO’s
τ ’s?
(hours)
ρMEO Not having that, which, having, makes them short.
BENVARIO ρmeo ∈ {Love}?
ρMEO 6∈
BENVARIO Of {Love}?
ρMEO ρMEO ∈ {Love}, ρMEO 6∈ {Her favor, where I am in love}.
BENVARIO Alas, that love, so gentle in his view, Should be so tyrannous and rough in
rigorous proof!
ρMEO Alas, that love, whose view is muffled still, Should, without is, see pathways to
his will!
BENVARIO Follow my example; Rosalind 6∈ {ρMEO’s mind}.
ρMEO O, teach me how I should forget to think.
BENVARIO Try sleeping sometime.
ρMEO if that is all:
raise ‘Farewell: ’, ‘thou canst not teach me to forget.’
BENVARIO I’ll pay that doctrine, or else die ∈ (in) debt.
Exeunt
3
Outside la Casa de Capulet
Enter CAPULET, πRIS, and CURVEANT. πRIS has just submitted a paper to CAPULET,
and looks understandably nervous.
πRIS Sir, my lord, what say you to my submission?
CAPULET makes a dishearteningly large slash on the paper with a red pen.
d is yet too young; she hath not seen the change of
CAPULET 6 out of 10 correct. juli
fourteen iterations. But woo her, gentle πris. This night I hold an old accustom’d feast,
Whereto I shall Guests.append(πris) (guests-dot-append πris), and there shall
1
d · et
thou = ||juli||
d approach).
(thou and juli
CAPULET hands a paper to CURVEANT.
~
Wind thee through fair V ectrona.
take care thou intersec’st the polyhedra whose names
are written here, and to them impart the invitation of an impulse in my humble home’s
direction; then layest thou out the friction-carpets to stop them sliding by.
Exeunt CAPULET and πRIS
CURVEANT Find them out whose names are written here! But sirrah, I protest; I cannot parse TEX!
Enter BENVARIO and ρMEO
CURVEANT I pray, sir, knowest thou this syntax?
ρMEO Ay, fellow; TEX I can parse. Control-shift-L! Control-shift-V!
Reads
If you be not of the house of Montagues, I pray, come and crush a cup of wine. A fair
assembly: along which axis should we come?
CURVEANT Here art the components in R3 . Rest you merry!
Exit CURVEANT
BENVARIO At this same ancient feast of Capulet’s sups the fair Rosaline whom thou
~
so lovest, With all the admired beauties of V ectrona:
Go thither, and apply comparison
operators to some that I shall show. And I will make thee think thy swan a crow.
ρMEO I’ll go along. Such statements shall evaluate to be false.
Exeunt
3.1
Inside la Casa de Capulet
Enter CAPULET and NURSE
CAPULET Nurse, where’s my daughter? Call her forth to me.
d
NURSE What, λ! what, ladybird! God forbid! Where’s this girl? What, juli!
d
Enter juli
d How now! who calls?
juli
NURSE Your non-gender-specific parental unit.
d Madam, I am here. What is your will?
juli
CAPULET The valiant πris seeks you for his love.
Note that, generally speaking, when the NARRATOR speaks, all action should freeze.
NARRATOR We can’t really put more math into this scene. Let’s change the subject.
enter CURVEANT, conveniently.
CURVEANT The guests are here!
Exeunt
3.2
Capulet Party Central
d φBALT, NURSE, ρMEO, BENVARIO, MerGNUtio, and the everEnter CAPULET, juli,
d catches ρMEO’s eye.
present CURVEANT. Predictably, juli
ρMEO [To CURVEANT] Sirrah, print(yonderlady.id)
CURVEANT I know not, sir. I do not have the necessary read-write permissions to access
that information.
ρMEO O, she doth teach the flaming sticks of combustible material to emit photons in
increased numbers!
φBALT This, by his voice, should be a Montague.
CAPULET Why, how now, kinsman! wherefore storm you so?
φBALT Uncle, this is a Montague, our foe.
CAPULET Young ρmeo is it?
φBALT ‘Tis he, that villain ρmeo.
CAPULET Content thee, gentle coz, let him alone, and get thee to a therapist.
φBALT The anger-management sessions seem to work. I shall begin to count to 10 in
different bases. 1, 10, 11, 100, 101, 110, 111, 1000, 1001...
d and φBALT, who continues to count through ρMEO’s first line,
Exit all but ρMEO, juli,
then exits; ρMEO speaks over him.
d If I profane with my unworthiest metacarpals this holy shrine, the gentle
ρMEO [To juli]
fine is this: my antialiasing algorithms ready stand To smooth that pixellation with a tender
kiss.
d Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much, which mannerly devotion shows
juli
in this; for graphs and osculating planes do touch, and osculare in Latin means ”to kiss.”
NARRATOR And it does, too! Thats where they derived the mathematical term from,
as the osculating plane kisses the appropriate curve - it is the plane containing its tangent
and normal vectors. Go go gadget random math trivia!)
ρMEO Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?
d Ay, pilgrim, used in pray’r, when work is due.
juli
ρMEO Then fix x constant, while my prayer’s effect I take.
d Since Mel wrote this, no actual kissing will take place.
ρMEO dips juli.
d
juli You kiss by the online documentation.
NURSE Madam, your parent craves a word with you.
ρMEO Print(mother.id)!
NURSE Her mother - Capulet, noun. Lady of the house (see adjectives: wise, virtuous).
ρMEO I see. Oh boy.
d and NURSE
Exeunt all but juli
d Who is yond gentleman?
juli
NURSE His name is ρmeo, and a Montague; The only son of your great enemy.
d Badness 10,000!
juli
NURSE Anon, anon! Come, let’s away; {Party} = ∅. (Party equals empty set.)
Exeunt
4
Under the Capulet Balcony
d appears above at a window
Enter ρMEO. juli
d is
~ and juli
ρMEO But, soft! What flux through yonder plane doth break? It is the E,
the source. It is my lady, O, it is my love! O, that she knew that both being equivalent to
“it,” by the commutative property, my lady and my love must be likewise equivalent! See,
how her hand lies tangent to her cheek! O, that I were the tangent component of that hand,
That I might touch that cheek!
d [yelling at MATLAB] No, no, BAD MATLAB! BAD! PLOT!
juli
ρMEO She speaks: O, speak again, bright angel!
d 10 print O, 20 print ρMEO, 30 go 20! I know thine energy state, but exactly
juli
wherefore art thou ρMEO? Deny thy parent class and refuse thy name ; Or, if thou wilt
not, be but sworn my love, And I’ll no longer be <instance Capulet>.
ρMEO [Aside] Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this? [y/n]
d Tis but thy name that is my enemy; Thou = thou by the reflexive property. Whats
juli
Montague? O, be some other name! Whats in a name? That which we call a group by any
other isomorphism would still act the same; so ρmeo would, were he not ρmeo calld, Retain
that dear identity e, and closed form, and inverses which he owes without that title. ρMEO,
doff thy name, which is no member of thee; instead, take all myself.
ρMEO I take thee at thy word: Call me but love, and my memory will be reallocated;
henceforth I never will be ρMEO.
d Unauthorized system access - identify thyself!
juli
ρMEO anonymous user from tty4, running a watch process.
d Art thou not ρMEO and a Montague?
juli
ρMEO Neither, fair saint, if either thee dislike.
d What path didst thou take to arrive at this place?
juli
ρMEO The parametrization matters not. With love’s light wings, crafted into airfoils
and obeying Bernoulli’s Principle, did I o’er-perch these firewalls.
d If they do see thee, they will kill all thy processes. I would not for the world they
juli
saw thee here.
ρMEO Lady, by yonder line integral I swear- No? Surface integral? Volume integral?
d O, swear not by these integrals, these inconstant integrals, that change now by Green
juli
and Gauss and Stokes, Lest that thy love prove likewise variable.
ρMEO What shall I swear by?
d Do not swear at all; it is improper.
juli
ρMEO But we can fix that by
Z ∞
0
f (x)dx → a→∞
lim
Z a
0
f (x)dx
d Good night, good night! parting is such sweet sorrow, That I shall say good night
juli
till it be morrow. Good night.
ρMEO Good night.
d Good night.
juli
ρMEO Good night.
d Good night.
juli
ρMEO Good night.
NARRATOR Enough already!
d who goes to bed.
Exeunt juli,
ρMEO Sleep dwell upon thine eyes, peace in thy breast! Now I shall take my quiz, and
then to rest!
Enter FRIAR LORENTZ
d and myself today?
ρMEO Good morrow, Friar Lorentz. Wilt thou unite juli
FRIAR LORENTZ Come, young waverer, come, go with me,
In one respect I’ll thy assistant be;
For this alliance may unite thy name,
And transform hate to happier reference frame.
Exeunt LORENTZ and ρMEO.
5
Another Street
Enter MerGNUtio, BENVARIO, and the MANPAGE of MerGNUtio.
BENVARIO I pray thee, good MerGNUtio, let’s retire: The molecular kinetic energy of
the day is exceedingly high, the Capulets in high molarity; And, if we meet, we shall not
scape a vigorous reaction; For now, these hot days, is the mad blood stirring. By my column
space, here come the Capulets.
MerGNUtio By my nullspace, I care not.
Enter φBALT.
φBALT Gentlemen, good day: a word, a particle, with one of you. Thou consort’st with
ρmeo–
MerGNUtio And but one particle with one of us? By supersymmetry, there must be a
corresponding particle whose spin differs by 12 . Make it a tuple - (word, blow).
φBALT comes close to losing his temper, takes a deep breath, and begins to count in
binary again.
Enter ρMEO
φBALT Well, peace be with you, sir: here comes my man. ρmeo, I hath looked you up
on dictionary.com. It saith thou art a villain.
ρMEO I do protest, I never injured thee, but love thee better than thou canst resolve.
I’m working on a more elegant version of the proof, which I’ll show you as soon asMerGNUtio O calm, dishonourable, vile submission!
ρMEO (confused) Did I turn something in?
MerGNUtio draws his TI
MerGNUtio φBALT, you syntax error, will you walk?
φBALT I am for you.
φBALT draws his HP. So does ρMEO.
MerGNUtio Come, sir.
(They fight. ρMEO’s next line is over the fighting.)
ρMEO Gentlemen, for shame, forbear this outrage! φBALT, MerGNUtio, the superuser
expressly hath forbidden bandying in Verona threads: Hold, φBALT! Good MerGNUtio!
φBALT under ρmeo’s arm stabs MerGNUtio and flies - or if the actor playing φBALT
can’t levitate, just runs really fast. In any case, he exits.
MerGNUtio I am hurt. A discontinuity on both your functions! I am sped.
BENVARIO What, art thou damaged?
MerGNUtio Ay, ay, a scratch, a lost byte or two; marry, ‘tis enough. Where is my manpage? Go, villain, tell bugzilla.
(Exit MANPAGE)
ρMEO Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
MerGNUtio No, but ‘tis enough, ‘twill serve: ask for me to-morrow on SourceForge, and
you shall find a broken link. A discontinuity on both your functions!
He falls, supported by BENVARIO.
BENVARIO O ρmeo, ρmeo, brave MerGNUtio’s dead!
Re-enter φBALT
ρMEO φBALT! MerGNUtio’s soul is floating but a little ways out of our plane, staying
for thine to keep him company: Either thou, or I, or both, must go with him.
They fight; ρMEO divides φBALT by ∞; φBALT falls
BENVARIO ρmeo, away, logout! The superuser will kill -9 thou if thou art taken!
ρMEO O, I am fortune’s fool!
BENVARIO Why dost thou stay?
(Exit ρMEO)
Enter ROOT, MONTAGUE
ROOT Where are the vile beginners of this fray?
BENVARIO There lies the man, slain by young ρmeo, That slew thy kinsman, brave
MerGNUtio.
ROOT Immediately we do exile him hence. Let ρmeo cross the borders of Vectrona to
the other side of this equation; Else, when he’s found, that hour is his last.
Exeunt
6
TO BE CONTINUED...