I N SI DE JOK E S...
AT WORK 2 AT HOME 7 AT SCHOOL 11 AT PLAY 13
FOR MORE FUN AND GAMES,
OR TO SU BSC RI BE TO READE R’S DIG EST,
V I S I T U S AT W W W. R D . C A
LITTLE BOOK OF
© MMV, The Reader’s Digest Association (Canada) Ltd.
JOKES
Joke \ jök\ n 1. something said or done to provoke laughter
2. something not to be taken seriously
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2
AT W O R K
In crime, you take the money and run; in politics,
you run first and then take the money.
“Do you believe
in life after death?”
the boss asked one of
his employees. “Yes,”
replied the employee.
“That’s OK then,” said
the boss. “Because
while you were at your
grandmother’s funeral
yesterday, she popped
in to see you.”
EMPLOYEE:
When will my raise
become effective?
EMPLOYER:
As soon as
you are.
An inexperienced
assistant in an art
gallery accidentally
dropped a priceless
painting, tearing
the canvas.
“You imbecile!” the
director stormed at
him. “That picture
is over four
hundred years old.”
“Oh,” said the
assistant. “Lucky it
wasn’t a new one.”
A man was given the job of painting white lines
down the middle of the road. The first day he did
ten kilometers; the second day he did four kilometers;
the third day he did less than a kilometer.
His boss was furious.
“How come you’re accomplishing less each day?”
“Because,” the man replied, “each day I get farther
and farther away from the can of paint.”
Towards the end of a job interview, the Human
Resources officer asked the candidate what kind
of salary he was looking for.
“Oh, about a hundred thousand a year,” replied
the confident young man.
“Well, What would you say to a package of eight
weeks paid holiday, full medical and dental
insurance, two-thirds final salary pension, and
a new top-of-the-line company car every year?”
“Wow!” said the candidate. “Are you kidding?”
“Oh, yes. But you started it!”
In a drugstore a woman asked the
pharmacist if he had anything for hiccups.
He immediately slapped her face.
“I bet that’s cured your hiccups,” he said.
“No,” replied the woman. “My sister
outside in the car has them.”
“How long have you
been working here?”
“Ever since the day
the boss threatened
to fire me.”
3
QUESTION:
Why did God create
politicians?
ANSWER:
In order to make
used car salesmen
look good.
At a job interview the boss asked the
young female applicant if she had any
unusual talents, and she told him she
had won several prizes in crossword
competitions.
“That’s very admirable,” said the boss,
“but we’re looking for someone who
can be smart during office hours.”
“Oh,” said the girl, “that was during
office hours.”
A man walks into a bank and asks to cash a cheque. The cashier says, “Yes, that’s
fine, but you’ll have to identify yourself.” The man looks in the mirror and says,
“Yes, that’s me all right.”
5
4
A car salesman stood idly waiting for customers
in his car lot. He noticed a municipal works truck
pull over to the median dividing the boulevard.
A man got out, dug a sizable hole and got back
in the vehicle. A few minutes later, the other
occupant of the truck got out, filled up the
hole, tamped the dirt and got back in the truck.
Then they drove forward along the median
about 20 metres and repeated the process –
digging, waiting, re-filling. After a half dozen
repetitions, the salesman sauntered over
to the workers. “What’re you doin’?” he asked.
“We’re on a street beautification project,”
the driver said. “But the guy who plants the
trees is home sick today.”
QUESTION:
How many
cowboys
does it take
to change
a lightbulb?
ANSWER:
Five. One to
change it,
and four to sing
about how
much they miss
the old one.
EMPLOYEE: I went to church and prayed for a raise.
BOSS: Don’t let me ever catch you going over my head
again.
A tax inspector was surprised to receive a letter
from a man that read, “I’ve been feeling so bad
about under-declaring my tax that I can’t sleep,
so I’m enclosing a cheque for two thousand
dollars. If I find I still can’t sleep, I’ll send
a cheque for the balance.”
“Doctor, I think I’ve got influenza.”
“OK. Put your tongue out and stick your head out of the window.”
”Will that make me feel better?”
“No, but I can’t stand the woman across the road.”
The Pope had just finished a tour of Canada, and was
taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven
a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for
a while. Well, the chauffeur didn’t want to argue with
the Pope, so he climbed in the back of the limo and
the Pope took the wheel. The Pope started to accelerate
to see how fast the limousine could go. He eventually
got to 150 kilometers per hour on the Trans-Canada
before a police car appeared in his mirror.
The Pope pulled over and the police officer came
to his window. When the officer saw who it was,
he said, “Just a moment please, I need to call in.”
The officer radioed in and asked for the chief. He told
the chief, “I’ve got a really important person pulled
over, and I need to know what to do.”
The chief replied, “Who is it? Not the mayor again?”
“No, even more important,” the officer responded.
“It’s the premier, isn’t it?” asked the chief.
“Nope, he’s even more important,” said the officer.
The chief asked if it was the Prime Minister.
“No, even MORE important,” the officer responded.
“Well, who the heck is it?” demanded the chief.
“I don’t know,” said the officer, “but he’s got the
Pope as a chauffeur!”
Why
do some research
testing labs prefer
to use lawyers
instead of mice as
research subjects?
ANSWER: Because
there are more
lawyers than mice,
the scientists don’t
get as attached
to the lawyers,
and there are
some things
rodents won’t do.
QUESTION:
POLITICIAN:
Did you hear
my last speech?
CONSTITUENT:
I certainly
hope so.
One day a postman trying to make a delivery
found his path blocked by a ferocious dog.
Hearing the commotion, the dog’s owner
came to the door and commented
reassuringly, “Don’t worry, remember
the expression: Barking dogs don’t bite.”
“Yes, I know it,” replied the postman,
“but does the dog?”
6
Up in heaven,
the pastor was
shown his eternal
reward. To his
disappointment,
he was given only
a small shack. But
down the street,
he saw a taxi driver
being shown to
a lovely estate with
gardens and pools.
“I don’t understand,”
the pastor said.
“My whole life,
I served God with
everything I had,
and this is all I get,
while a mere cabbie
is given a mansion?”
“It’s quite simple,”
Saint Peter said.
“When you
preached, people
slept; when he
drove, people
prayed.”
AT H O M E
7
A psychiatrist received a postcard
from one of his patients who had
gone away on vacation. “Having
a lovely time,” it read. “Why?”
One day, a man was walking along, and he found
a magic lamp. He rubbed the lamp, and out popped
a genie. “I will grant you three wishes,” said the genie.
“On one condition: for each of your wishes, every politician
in the world will receive double what you asked for.”
“Is that all? Well, I can live with that!” replied the man.
“What is your first wish?” asked the Genie.
“Well, I’ve always wanted a Ferrari,” he said. Poof!
A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.
“Now, every politician in the world has two Ferraris,”
said the genie. “What do you want next?”
“How about a million dollars?” replied the man. Poof!
One million dollars appeared at his feet.
“Now, every politician in the world has two million
dollars,” said the genie. “I don’t mind. As long
as I’ve got my million,” said the man.
“What is your final wish?” asked the genie.
The man thought for a long time before
he eventually said, “You know, I’ve always wanted
to donate a kidney …”
A gentleman entered a busy florist shop displaying
a large sign that read SAY IT WITH FLOWERS.
“Wrap up one rose,” he told the florist.
“Only one?” the florist asked.
“Just one,” the customer replied. “I’m a man of few words.”
“What do
you think is a nice
age for a woman?”
ANSWER: “I think
thirty’s a nice age for
a woman. Especially
if she happens to be
forty.”
QUESTION:
A father asked his little daughter what she’d like
for Christmas. She said what she wanted more than
anything else was a baby brother. And the timing
was good, and on Christmas Eve, her mother came
back from the hospital with a baby boy.
The following year, the father again asked
his daughter what she’d like for Christmas.
“Well,” she replied, “if it’s not too uncomfortable
for Mummy, I’d like a pony.”
“My mother is such an alarmist!”
complained the teenager. “One cough
and she thinks I have bronchitis.
A headache and she’s sure it’s a brain
tumour. One little lie and she thinks
I’m destined for politics.”
QUESTION:
Why is marriage like a three-ring circus?
ANSWER:
Engagement ring,
wedding ring, and bicker-ing.
8
None of our furniture is antique. But it
will be by the time we finish paying for it.
Sean and Parry meet on
the street, not having seen
each other in many years.
“Tell me now,” says Sean,
“did you ever marry?”
“Ah, yes,” Parry replies.
“My wife’s an angel.”
“You’re a lucky man,” says
Sean. “Mine’s still with me.”
A Canadian man left the snowy streets of Winnipeg
for a vacation in Florida. His wife had to work, but
would be meeting him there the next day. When he
reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick
e-mail. However, he couldn’t find the scrap of paper
on which he had written her e-mail address,
so he decided to try to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was
directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose
husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she
took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing
scream, and fainted. At the sound, her family rushed
into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything is prepared
for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
A boxing fan had to miss
a big fight because he was
working nights, so he asked
his wife to watch for him
and tell him the result. After
work, he rushed home
eagerly. “Who won?” he
asked. “Oh,” said his wife,
“nobody. One of the men
got hurt in the first round
and they had to stop.”
If you ever spent a
Sunday with me instead of
on that damned golf course,
I think I’d drop down dead.
HUSBAND: Stop trying to
bribe me.
WIFE:
Arriving home one evening, a man finds his pregnant wife
in labour, so he phones the hospital. “My wife is having
contractions and they’re only two minutes apart. Tell me what
I should do!” he says frantically.
“Is this her first child?” asks the doctor.
“No, you fool,” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”
“Dad, there’s
a problem with the car —
water in the carburetor.”
FATHER: “Water in the
carburetor? Don’t be silly.”
SON: “I promise you there’s
water in the carburetor.”
FATHER: “You don’t even know
what the carburetor looks like.
Where is the car?”
SON: “In the swimming pool.”
TEENAGE SON:
A man with
more money
than sense
bought a Louis
XV bed, which
was too small
for him, so he
took it back
and asked for
a Louis XVI.
9
Following the birth of their
fourth child, the parents
noticed that their seven-yearold eldest son was unusually quiet. He asked
if there were going to be any more babies.
Fearing he was resentful of his new sister, they
gently assured him that each baby brought
more love to the rest of the family. He looked
surprised and said, “I asked because there is
only room for six toothbrushes in the holder.”
When a young woman brought her fiancé
home to meet her parents, her father asked
the man into his study for a chat. “So, what
are your plans?” he began. “I’m a theology
scholar,” the fiancé replied.
“Admirable,” the father said, “but what will you
do to provide a nice home for my daughter?”
“I will study and God will provide,” he explained.
“And how will you afford to raise children?”
“God will provide.” The men left the study
and the mother asked her husband,
“How did it go?” “He has no money or career
plans,” the father said. “But on the other hand,
he thinks I’m God.”
10
“What am I supposed
to do?” a young man
looking to get married
asked his friend.
“Every woman I bring
home to meet my
parents, my mother
doesn’t like.”
“Oh, that’s easy,”
his pal replied. “All
you have to do is find
someone who’s just
like your mother.”
“I did that already,”
he said, “and that one
my father didn’t like.”
AT S C H O O L
HUSBAND: That’s
the third time I’ve had
to replace the clutch on this car.
WIFE: Well, don’t blame me. I never
use it.
Two strangers, a man and a woman, end up in the same
sleeping compartment of a train. They are a little
embarrassed at first, but soon get over it. They go to sleep –
the woman on the top bunk, and the man on the bottom.
In the middle of the night, the woman is awake, and leans
over her bunk. “Excuse me,” she says loudly to the man,
“I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m very cold. Do you think
that you could maybe get me another blanket?”
The man looks up at her, beginning to smile mischievously.
“I have a better idea,” he says. “Just for tonight, why don’t
we pretend we’re married?”
The woman thinks about it, then giggles. “Why not?”
“Great,” the man says, “get your own darn blanket!”
“Why are you so miserable?” a man asked his friend
who was drinking in the pub to drown his sorrows.
“I had a terrible argument with my mother-in-law,” the
friend replied, “and she vowed that she wouldn’t speak
to me for a whole week.”
“That’s no reason to be miserable. You should be
celebrating your good fortune.”
“No,” said the friend with a choked sob. “The argument
happened last week … so today’s the last day.”
A young couple went to the loans officer
at the bank and asked: “Our combined
income is sixty thousand dollars. How
do we stand for a mortgage?”
“You don’t. You grovel,” came the reply.
“Dad!” exclaimed
a boy. “I think
I’ve been selected
for the school
football team.”
“That’s good,”
replied his father,
“but why aren’t
you sure?” “Well,
it hasn’t been
announced officially,
but I overheard the
coach saying that
if I were in the team
I’d be a great
drawback.”
11
While attempting to interest a disruptive student in
acquiring practical knowledge, a guidance counselor
suggested a game to challenge his intellect.
“If I ask you a question, and you can’t answer, you must
give me $5,” said the counselor. “And if I can’t answer
yours, I’ll give you $5.”
“OK,” said the student. “But since you’re older and wiser
than me, it’s only fair that if I can’t answer I should give
you only $2.”
“Agreed” said the counselor, “and you can go first.”
The student asked: “What has six feet on the land and
only three feet when swimming?” The counselor
thought for a very long time about this, but reluctantly
he had to concede defeat.
“Here’s your $5,” he said. “What’s the answer?”
“I don’t know,” said the student. “Here’s your $2.”
Little Johnny had been a very naughty boy, so
his teacher suggested to his parents that they buy
him a bicycle. “Do you think that will improve
his behaviour?” the father asked incredulously.
“No,” the teacher replied grimly. “But it’ll spread
it over a wider area.”
12
AT P L AY
At a school in Texas, a teacher is quizzing her
students on their knowledge of opposites.
She first asks: “What is the opposite of joy?”
“Sadness,” responds one student.
“And what is the opposite of depression?”
the teacher questions.
“Elation,” someone else answers.
“And you, young man,” the teacher says
to the son of a cowboy, “what is the
opposite of woe?”
“That’s easy,” the student responds,
“the answer is ’giddy up!’ ”
ENGLISH TEACHER
TO PUPIL WHO
IS NOT PAYING
ATTENTION:
“Edward,
give me two
pronouns.”
EDWARD:
“Who, me?”
PROFESSOR: What happens when the
human body is immersed in water?
STUDENT: The telephone rings.
The teacher waited patiently for the students to calm
down after the homeroom bell had rung. However,
the whispering continued, with one boy holding the
floor. Finally the exasperated teacher said, “Johnny,
would you like to take over the class?”
Surprised but eager, Johnny hurried up to the front
and pronounced solemnly, “Class dismissed!”
Walking past a schoolyard surrounded by a tall fence,
a man heard children chanting, “thirteen, thirteen,”
very loudly. His curiosity got the better of him and
he peeked through a hole in the fence. Someone
promptly poked him in the eye and he fell over.
“Fourteen, fourteen,” the chant continued.
“Darn,” said the
golfer, as he sliced
yet another ball
into the rough. “I’m
not playing my
usual game today.”
“Oh,” asked his
caddy, “and what
game is that?”
13
Once a month, a woman played cards with her friends.
Because she returned home late, she often accidentally
woke up her husband. One night, to avoid disturbing
him, she undressed in the living room and tiptoed
nude into the bedroom. Her husband was reading
in bed. He looked up from his book and gasped,
“My God! Did you lose everything?”
Visiting his new girlfriend in her tenth floor apartment, the
young man became impatient. His sweetheart was taking so
long to finish her makeup that the man decided to pass the
time by playing soccer with the poodle. Unfortunately, the
dog became a little over-exuberant and chased the ball out
of the window. At that moment the girl appeared. Noticing
a dismayed expression on her boyfriend’s face, she asked
him if everything was all right. “Yes,” he replied, “but I was
wondering if your poodle has been showing any signs of
depression recently.”
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!