“TRASHBOTS”
“moonSAM PHONE HOME”
By Peter Olliff
1
EXT. DUMPSITE VALLEY - MORNING
A gentle breeze blows over the vast dumpsite. The dune-buggy
bounds into frame, leaping over large mounds of rubbish. The
trio are driving through a huge valley of trash. SAM is at the
wheel, CIRCUIT is holding onto the back of the driver’s seat
and LILLY is in the front passenger seat, stuffing her face
with junk food, slurping a milkshake and holding a beeping
tracking device, which is obviously upside down.
1.
LILLY
(authoritatively) Slow down! How am I
supposed to track down the LH2 Prevalve if you keep driving like a
maniac!
2.
SAM
(rolls eyes in a huff) Are we there
yet? We’re going in circles.
3.
LILLY
I know exactly where we are!
4.
SAM
(to himself) Sure ya do …
The dune-buggy goes over a big bump, causing LILLY to spill
milkshake all over herself. LILLY throws her arms in the air
and looks down at herself, dripping.
5.
LILLY
(angrily) Wha! Now look what you’ve
done!
LILLY picks up CIRCUIT and uses him to wipe up the mess.
6.
SAM
Hey! Leave CIRCUIT outta this! You
shouldn’t be drinking that stuff, we
dunno how long it’s been out here.
7.
LILLY
Don’t tell me what to do! I’ll eat and
drink what I like!
8.
SAM
Geez chillax LILLY!
SAM rescues CIRCUIT from LILLY. LILLY’S tummy rumbles.
2
9.
LILLY
(eyes wide) Oh ow
10.
SAM
What was that?!
11.
CIRCUIT
E-e-er LILLY it says this m-m-milkshake
expired on the 01/01/2008!
12.
LILLY
(frantically)*GULP* I think we need to
stop … right … NOOOW-ARGHHHHHHHH!
LILLY rips a huge fart that propels her out of her magnetic
boots and shoots her out of the dune-buggy. She spirals like a
deflating balloon over the dumpsite and out the mouth of the
valley. SAM skids the dune-buggy to a halt.
13.
SAM
(grins) Holy cow pies! D’ya see that!
14.
LILLY
(crying) ARGH! Somebody help me! I’m
too pretty to die!
SAM starts the engine and drives after LILLY. LILLY soon loses
momentum, slows down and begins to drift out into space. SAM
and CICUIT pull in underneath her at the mouth of the valley.
15.
SAM
Don’t worry LILZ we’ll save you!
16.
LILLY
It’s about time! And it’s LILLY moron!
SAM ponders the situation and then clicks his fingers. He
takes a rope from the dune buggy and gives it to CIRCUIT.
17.
SAM
CIRCUIT take this rope, we can use it
to pull LILLY back to the ground!
18.
CIRCUIT
B-b-but how will I give her this? Whaa!
SAM quickly picks up CIRCUIT and throws him at LILLY. CIRCUIT
crashes into LILLY’s head, which switches on CIRCUIT’s
3
magnetic field, causing them to fall to the ground and crash
into a phone box.
CUT TO
INT. TELEPHONE BOX – MORNING
In the centre of the telephone box, LILLY is lying on her
back. CIRCUIT is lying in pieces next to her. God-rays stream
in from the broken glass. Groaning LILLY gets up, cleans her
glasses and looks around. CIRCUIT pulls himself together.
Towards them creeps a dark, twitching, silhouette, which
occasionally radiates blue sparks. TELEBOT emerges into the
light.
19.
TELEBOT
(sinister) Good morning! (bubbly) How
may I assist you today?
LILLY and CIRCUIT gasp and jump back against the wall
20.
LILLY
ARGH! Who the hell are you!?
21.
TELEBOT
I am TELEBOT series 5000. I represent
DU service provider, we aim to assist
you with any communication or media
requirements you may need. We add life
to life.
22.
LILLY
(turning to CIRCUIT) Add life to life,
what does that mean?
23.
CIRCUIT
E-e-er I think he’s a c-c-communication
robot.
24.
LILLY
What you mean like a telephone!? O.M.G!
CIRCUIT we could use him to call back
to Earth and finally we’ll be rescued!
Soon I‘ll be able to buy fresh
cupcakes, finish my collage of Taylor
McHansome and ride my beloved pony,
Princess! So TELEBOT do you still work?
TELEBOT stares blankly at LILLY. He twitches as blue sparks
crawl out of his neck and work their way down his body.
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25.
TELEBOT
(flatly) Yes.
LILLY excitedly runs to TELEBOT and lifts the receiver.
26.
LILLY
Hello? Hello? (desperate cry) Oh
someone please help us! Whaa! We’re
stuck on the moon! And I have no hair
conditioner! Whaa!
27.
TELEBOT
Please insert 1 dirham to operate.
28.
LILLY
(blankly) Insert a what!?
29.
TELEBOT
Each call costs 1 UAE dirham coin.
Please insert 1 dirham … and … try …
again …
TELEBOT powers down. Then suddenly springs to life in a sea of
sparks.
30.
TELEBOT
(laughing crazily) Please insert 1
dirham. 1 dirham! 1 dirham!
TELEBOT bounces around the phone box and exits out the top.
CUT TO
EXT. DUMPSITE VALLEY – MORNING
SAM is running through the mouth of the valley, towards the
site where LILLY and CIRCUIT crash landed. TELEBOT jumps out.
31.
TELEBOT
(laughing crazily) 1 dirham! 1 dirham!
TELEBOT runs in a circle, arms waving and then crashes
straight into SAM.
32.
SAM
Hey there, I think someone’s been out
in the cosmic rays too long!
LILLY and CIRCUIT climb out of the phone box and run to SAM.
5
33.
LILLY
SAM! Don’t let him get away!
34.
TELEBOT
1 dirham … 1 dir … (starts snoring)
35.
SAM
Who’s this? He seems broken?
36.
LILLY
Ya think? He’s a telephone robot. He
can call home and (longingly) and we
can be rescued! But he can only be
operated using a 1 UAE dirham coin.
37.
SAM
A telephone robot! Awesome! We can dial
a pizza! (licking lips)
38.
LILLY
You idiot! We need him to call home!
39.
SAM
(dreamily) Mmmm … A pepperoni pizza!
With extra cheese! And extra pepperoni!
40.
SAM and CIRCUIT
(drooling) Mmmmm pepperoni pizza!
41.
LILLY
(rolls eyes) So swellhead … Where are
we going to find 1 dirham?
42.
SAM
Shame my Dad’s not here. He’s always
got coins, but then he usually loses
them down the couch anyways.
43.
LILLY
(jumps up) That’s it! That’s where we
can look for coins! Everyone search the
couches for a dirham coin!
Pull back to reveal the mountain on one side of the valley is
covered in old couches.
CUT TO
EXT. DUMPSITE COUCH MOUNTAIN– AFTERNOON
6
SAM, CIRCUIT and TELEBOT are halfway up the mountain littered
with couches. All 3 search the same couch. SAM removes
cushions and feels down the back for coins. CIRCUIT crawls
inside. TELEBOT grabs the cushions and joyfully rips them
apart. LILLY is sitting on a couch next to them, reading an
old TeenBiz magazine and listening to her ipod.
44.
SAM
Hey TELEBOT, you’re pretty useful when
you’re not all crazy like.
45.
TELEBOT
TELEBOT wants pizza! (twitch)
Once finished with a couch, SAM uses his non-gravity strength
to throw it over his shoulder, where it disappears behind the
neighbouring mountain covered in metallic trash.
CUT TO
EXT. DUMPSITE BEHIND METALLIC MOUNTAIN – AFTERNOON
SAM’s thrown couch lands on sleeping MUTANT MONSTER. The
MUTANT MONSTER quickly wakes. He yawns sleepily and settles
back down to sleep, only to be hit by another couch. Shaking
his head he yawns again. Suddenly 20 couches pile up in his
open mouth. Angrily the monster snaps his jaw shut, smashing
all the couches into pieces. The MUTANT MONSTER peers over the
metallic trash heap towards SAM. Another couch flies and hits
the MUTANT MONSTER in the face.
CUT TO
EXT. DUMPSITE COUCH MOUNTAIN - AFTERNOON
SAM has his head buried deep inside a couch. LILLY is still on
the couch reading a magazine and listening to her ipod.
46.
SAM
(muffled) You know LILLY, this would be
a lot easier if all four of us were
looking for the coin!
47.
LILLY
(not hearing) oh Taylor what have you
done to your hair!
The MUTANT MONSTER begins to creep over the metallic trash
heap. SAM reaches into the back of a couch and pulls out a
book titled ‘How to build a space-phone’. He throws it behind
him and it hits the advancing MUTANT MONSTER in the eye,
causing him to scamper back behind the metallic mountain.
7
48.
LILLY
(walks over to SAM and CIRCUIT) Now,
any sign of the dirham coin yet?
49.
SAM
No, just this junk.
SAM presents his hands full of random items they have found;
paperclips, dust, plastic wrappers, jewelry, DVD of ET, a
cooked chicken, gold bullion …
50.
LILLY
(slaps stuff into the air) What is this
rubbish! We’ve gotta find that dirham!
CUT TO
EXT. DUMPSITE METALLIC MOUNTAIN – AFTERNOON
The MUTANT MONSTER peers back over the metallic mountain and
licks his lips. SAM’s ‘stuff’ flies through the air and hits
the MUTANT MONSTER in the face. MUTANT MONSTER looks shocked,
then upset (his bottom lip quivers), then angry as the last
item flies into his eye.
CUT TO
EXT. DUMPSITE COUCH MOUNTAIN - AFTERNOON
LILLY turns back to her couch, bends over and starts plumping
the cushions.
51.
LILLY
(mock crying) Oh why me! Stranded here,
with a bunch of losers!
A dirham coin, wedged between LILLY’s butt cheeks glistens in
the sun. CIRCUIT climbs onto SAM’s shoulders and points at
LILLY’s butt. TELEBOT continues to rip old cushions apart.
52.
CIRCUIT
(whispering) H-h-hey do you see that?!
53.
SAM
(gasps) Could it?! Pizza here we come!
Getting down on all fours, SAM cautiously crawls up to LILLY’s
butt, CIRCUIT sitting on his shoulder. Together they stare up
at the glistening coin. In slow motion SAM reaches out to take
the coin. LILLY lets out a fart. SAM and CIRCUIT retract;
pulling disgusted faces and begin hyperventilating.
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54.
SAM
Oh man! That’s bad! You grab it!
55.
CIRCUIT
G-g-gross! N-n-no way!
56.
SAM and CIRCUIT
(looking at each other, drooling) But
we really want that pizza!
SAM slowly reaches up for the coin. He grabs hold of it, but
it’s stuck. LILLY spins around, cushion in hand.
57.
LILLY
(angrily) What in Mars are you doing!?
LILLY throws the cushion at SAM and misses.
CUT TO
EXT. DUMPSITE VALLEY – AFTERNOON
During this time MUTANT MONSTER has silently crawled over the
metallic trash heap and into the valley. Sitting in the valley
MUTANT MONSTER begins to stretch to full gigantic size.
When the MUTANT MONSTER’s head is almost level with SAM,
LILLY’s thrown cushion flies up the MUTANT MONSTER’s nostril.
The MUTANT MONSTER annoyed, blows the cushion out of his nose
and quickly stretches to his full height, causing a shadow to
fall over the arguing SAM, CIRCUIT and LILLY.
CUT TO
EXT. DUMPSITE COUCH MOUNTAIN – AFTERNOON
LILLY, who is facing the MUTANT MONSTER, looks up and turns
from angry to terrified. Slowly she points behind them.
58.
LILLY
(screams) ARGH! M—m-m-MONSTER!
LILLY dives behind her couch. SAM and CIRCUIT run away down
the couch mountain. TELEBOT looks up from behind a couch.
59.
TELEBOT
Hey (twitch) where’d everybody go?
A shadow falls over TELEBOT and the MUTANT MONSTER swoops down
and swallows the unsuspecting TELEBOT.
60.
9
SAM
Oh no! He’s eaten TELEBOT!
CUT TO
EXT. DUMPSITE VALLEY – AFTERNOON
The murky silhouette of the MUTANT MONSTER comes into view as
he chases SAM and CIRCUIT through the dumpsite.
61.
SAM
(shouting) We’ve gotta save TELEBOT.
CIRCUIT you know what to do!
62.
CIRCUIT
O-o-o-ow b-b-b-but!
63.
SAM
It’s time to build a Trashbot!
SAM, still running, picks up CIRCUIT and throws him to safety.
SAM turns around and waves his hands in the air.
64.
SAM
Hey Ugly! Over here! (lifts his shirt
and rubs belly) Mmm I’m looking mighty
tasty today! (mockingly) Come getta
piece of me snot brains!
The MUTANT MONSTER roars. SAM turns and runs away.
CUT TO
EXT. BEHIND TRASH PILE – AFTERNOON
CIRCUIT rummages through the trash looking for suitable
objects to use to build TRASHBOT. In the distance SAM is
repetitively running back and forth, with MUTANT MONSTER close
at his heels.
65.
CIRCUIT
(nervously) O-o-ow … always last m-mminute … n-n-n-now l-l-let’s see … what
can I use to build a robot …
LILLY interrupts CIRCUIT
66.
LILLY
(sweetly) What’cha doin’?
67.
CIRCUIT
Ow, I’ve got to build a robot for SAM!
10
Ah I can’t think! W-w-what can I use?
68.
SAM
(shouts) Argh! What’s taking so long!!
69.
LILLY
Can I help? Ooo pretty. Use this
princess castle doll house! Oo oo and
this 2009 Barbie pink VW beetle!
70.
SAM
Hurry up CIRCUIT!!! I can’t hold out
much longer!! ARGH!!
71.
CIRCUIT
E-e-e-er okay … but I don’t think SAM
will like …
72.
LILLY
Just do it! Ooo and use this purple ‘My
First Bakery Oven’! I’ve always wanted
one of those!
LILLY throws the bakery oven to CIRCUIT and continues to
rummage through the garbage, throwing all sorts of girly pink
and purple toys to CIRCUIT to use to build a robot.
73.
LILLY
… Ooo and use this and this and this …
This’ll be the best robot ever!
74.
CIRCUIT
Ummm L-L-LILLY m-m-maybe we should use
something a little … er … less pink?
77.
VO SAM
Hurry Uuuuuuuuppppppppp!!!
78.
LILLY
(shouts) Okay okay, keep your hair on.
CIRCUIT faces the pile of items and swaps his clamps for
drills. He quickly works the pile into a cloud of dust.
79.
CIRCUIT
O-okay, just put this here and … ta da!
The dust reveals a gigantic, shiny, pink ‘my little pony’ type
Unicorn TRASHBOT. LILLY and CIRCUIT look up at their creation.
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80.
LILLY
(gushing) Ow she’s soooo beautiful and
I will call her princess number 2!
SAM runs into frame and skids to a halt.
81.
SAM
(annoyed) What the!? CIRCUIT that’s
such a gender-specific robot … for
GIRLS! Do it again!
84.
CIRCUIT
B-b-b-but SAM! There’s no time!
EVERYONE is interrupted by the roar of the MUTANT MONSTER.
86.
SAM
(Restrained) Ooo I hate you LILLY!
SAM runs to TRASHBOT, removes his anti-gravity boots, bounds
up to TRASHBOT’s head and swings into the cockpit. TRASHBOT
powers up.
CUT TO
EXT. DUMPSITE VALLEY - AFTERNOON
MUTANT MONSTER skids to a stop in front of SAM who is inside
TRASHBOT’s cockpit. The MUTANT MONSTER starts sniggering.
87.
SAM
(Embarrassed) Hey! Er … er … it’s not
mine! Stop laughing! I’m just er
borrowing it … for a friend!
MUTANT MONSTER doubles up in laughter.
88.
SAM
(Angrily) That’s it! No one eats my
friend you mutant pus bag!
SAM runs towards MUTANT MONSTER to attack.
89.
SAM
(Shouts) TRASHBOT, right hook!
The robot skids to a halt, reels back and slaps the MUTANT
MONSTER in the face with a giant girlie slap. The MUTANT
12
MONSTER staggers back in shock, holding his freshly slapped
cheek.
90.
SAM
(Shocked) What the! … CIRCUIT what just
happened!? And why am I’m craving
cupcakes and not pizza!?
The MUTANT MONSTER slaps TRASHBOT, sending TRASHBOT skidding
across the ground. TRASHBOT gets up and checks her nails.
91.
SAM
Ooow I think I broke a nail … Huh? Did
I just say that? I feel so emotional!
TRASHBOT gets up and runs towards the MUTANT MONSTER and they
start manically slapping each other. As the struggle continues
bits of TRASHBOT begin falling off. TRASHBOT throws a girlie
punch which gets stuck inside MUTANT MONSTER. While TRASHBOT
is flailing, MUTANT MONSTER rips off TRASHBOT’s jewel
encrusted saddle.
92.
SAM
(Whimpers) Ooo my pretty accessories!
(Shakes head) Get to grips man! ARGH!
TRASHBOT jumps on top of MUTANT MONSTER and pulls at his hair.
93.
SAM.
Take … that … you … big … bully!
MUTANT MONSTER shrieks. TRASHBOT gives a final tug, ripping
the top of MUTANT MONSTER’s head off. Immediately MUTANT
MONSTER’s body liquefies and splats all over the ground.
TRASHBOT starts to shake and falls apart in a cloud of dust.
The dust clears to reveal SAM, CIRCUIT and TELEBOT sitting on
the pile of objects used to make the robot.
94.
SAM
CIRCUIT, never … pink … honestly!?
95.
CIRCUIT
S-s-sory SAM. B-b-but here, this’ll
cheer you up!
CIRCUIT hands the dirham coin to a delighted SAM
who licks his lips.
CUT TO
13
INT. SPACE SHIP – NIGHT
LILLY, SAM, CIRCUIT and TELEBOT enter the space ship.
96.
LILLY
I can’t believe you morons lost the
coin after all that! Now we’re gunna be
stuck here forever!
97.
SAM
(sheepishly) Yeah shame about that, but
at least we made a new friend!
98.
LILLY
(looks at twitching TELEBOT) Hmm yeah
sure.
The doorbell rings. SAM answers the door.
99.
VO PIZZA DELIVERY MAN
1 double pepperoni, with extra cheese.
100.
SAM
Great man! Thanks.
SAM pays, takes the pizza and shuts the door. Sound of the
pizza van taking off. SAM turns to LILLY shocked-into-silence.
101.
LILLY
(shocked) SAM … you … complete …
MORON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
102.
CIRCUIT
Aie! (falls apart, into a small heap)
103.
SAM
What?? I got the dessert.
SAM sheepishly leans back, scratches his head.
CIRCLE FADE OUT
14