COMPOSE
YOURSELF
Woodbridge High School
English Department
Handbook for Writing Analytical Essays
Copyright © 2002 by WHS English Department
PREFACE
Anyone who‘s attended school has heard the dreaded words, ―You have an essay due
on….‖ For many people, this announcement can cause an immediate shut down of
rational thought. Panic takes over and any reasonably intelligent concept seems
impossibly out of reach. How do you begin? How do you organize your thoughts?
To help you through this process and to alleviate some of your anxiety, the WHS English
Department decided to compile this writing handbook. Perhaps, we thought, if you are
presented with a uniform approach to the writing process, you‘ll feel more confident in
expressing your ideas. At least in the beginner phase, you won‘t have to make decisions
about structure and strategy and can concentrate more fully on content. As you improve
your writing skills, you can devise your own strategies and structures based upon the task
at hand.
Although the analytical essay is only one mode of writing, we feel it transfers easily to a
variety of subjects as a form of argumentation. Basic expository writing involves clear,
focused thinking, mapping out arguments, and supporting them with strong evidence.
Any skill—from learning a musical instrument to becoming proficient in a sport—
requires development of fundamental techniques and lots of practice. Writing is no
different. The idea is to get you to write and to write often!
So, compose yourself and let‘s begin!
TABLE OF CONTENTS
STRUCTURING THE ESSAY
Essay Diagram
Steps to Writing an Essay
Sample Brainstorming
Example Essay
3
4
6
8
WRITING THE INTRODUCTION
Thesis Statements
Ways to Begin the Introduction
13
16
WRITING BODY PARAGRAPHS
Structure of Body Paragraphs
Topic Sentences/Body Thesis Sentences
Concrete Detail
Quotations
Commentary
Concluding Sentences
21
22
23
24
30
32
WRITING THE CONCLUSION
Concluding Paragraphs
35
REVISING AND EDITING THE ESSAY
Transitions
Verb Tense
Active/Passive Voice
Sentence Variety
Vocabulary Substitutions
Using Third Person
Pitfalls to Avoid
Diction and Tone
Presentation Guidelines
Plagiarism
41
45
46
47
49
51
53
54
55
56
STRUCTURING THE ESSAY
1
2
STRUCTURING THE ESSAY
DIAGRAM OF AN ANALYTICAL ESSAY
Introduction
Interest-catching statement
Focusing/narrowing on true subject
Include name of work and author
Thesis statement
Body Paragraph 1
Body Thesis/Topic Sentence
Concrete details or examples
Quotes
Commentary
Concluding sentence
Body Paragraph 2
Body thesis/topic sentence
Concrete details or examples
Quotes
Commentary
Concluding sentence
Use the same format for additional Body Paragraphs
Conclusion
Summarize main ideas of the essay AND
give implications of main ideas, including the following:
Making broader applications
Adding further insight into essay‘s thesis
Making a statement with emotional impact
3
STRUCTURING THE ESSAY
TEN STEPS TO WRITING AN ANALYTICAL ESSAY
Step
Activity
1.
Choose a topic.
Example:
2.
Write a focus question which limits your topic.
Example:
3.
One body paragraph on negative effects of pride. One body paragraph of
positive effects of pride.
Arrange these main ideas in order of increasing importance.
Example:
6.
See Brainstorming Diagram (p.6)
Narrow your brainstorming ideas to the number of body paragraphs that your essay will
include.
Example:
5.
What are the effects of the narrator‘s pride?
Brainstorm all possible answers to the focus question using such techniques as bubble
clustering, outlining, or listing.
Example:
4.
Effects of pride in ―The Scarlet Ibis‖
Put positive effects first. Put negative effects last, since these have most
impact on narrator.
Write a thesis statement that states the argument you will prove in your essay. It may
take the form of 1) a multi-part statement or 2) a unified statement of opinion that does
not list the main ideas.
Example:
Multi-part Statement: Although the results of the narrator‘s pride
allow Doodle to enjoy some of the normal experiences of boyhood, that
same pride contributes to the narrator‘s guilt over his brother‘s death.
(This thesis states the specific topics of each body paragraph.
Unified Statement of Opinion: The narrator‘s selfish motivation is
stronger than his acceptance of his brother. (Notice that this thesis has
the same idea, but does not echo the key words of the main idea nor state
the specific points to be discussed.)
4
STRUCTURING THE ESSAY
Step
Activity
7.
Write a brief outline which maps out the structure of your body paragraphs, with main
ideas again in order of increasing importance.
Example:
I. The positive results of narrator‘s pride
A. Enables Doodle to experience some sense of normalcy
B. Establishes close relationship between the brothers
C. Achieves accomplishment everyone said was impossible
II. The negative effects of narrator‘s pride
A. Can‘t accept brother as he is Resents brother and is cruel to him
B. Feels guilt over pushing his brother beyond his physical limits,
causing his death
8.
Write the introduction, beginning with a hook (interest catcher). Try using one of
the opening formats illustrated on pages 16-17. Then link your hook to the main ideas in
your thesis. As you gradually focus or narrow in on your true thesis, be sure to mention
the title (properly punctuated) and author. Conclude your introduction with your thesis
statement.
9.
Write a rough draft of each body paragraph. Each body paragraph should begin with a
clear topic sentence/body thesis which relates to the thesis statement. Be sure to follow
your outline, developing with concrete details (including quotes) and commentary. End
each body paragraph with a concluding statement.
10.
Write the conclusion (see page 35). Begin with a sentence which states the main idea of
your essay. Then you must go beyond a summary to connect your ideas to broader
issues such as the implications or universal applications of those ideas, or further insight
into the essay‘s thesis. In other words, you are going beyond your specific topic to link it
to other situations. Conclude with a statement with emotional impact, perhaps a tie-in
back to the hook of the introduction or an insight into what‘s at stake for all of us.
5
STRUCTURING THE ESSAY
BRAINSTORMING
Brainstorming is a must for writing a well-organized essay, for it is thinking on paper.
You may choose from a variety of styles or formats, or make up one of your own, but you
should find a way to get your ideas down on paper quickly before actually writing your
essay. Common methods of brainstorming include the bubble cluster, outline, or list.
The brainstorming for the example essay on ―The Scarlet Ibis‖ might look like this:
draws family closer together
expects too much of Doodle
establishes relationship
with brother
can‘t accept his
brother for who he is
cruel behavior
behavior
feels burdened by
his brother
accomplishes what
everyone thought
impossible
effects of narrator’s pride
teaches
Doodle to
walk
negative
positive
Doodle achieves some degree
of normalcy
motivated by shame
guilt
over leaving Doodle behind
over pushing his
brother too hard,
causing his death
boyhood
activities
running, boxing, swimming
Notice that the narrowed topic is centered, with two major categories of the narrator‘s
pride – negative and positive – identified. These categories, or main ideas, will form the
basis of the two body paragraphs. Each main idea has several supporting details.
6
STRUCTURING THE ESSAY
SAMPLE COVER PAGE
When a cover page is necessary or requested by your instructor, use the sample below as a template:
The Vines of Pride
Your Name
Course Name
Instructor‘s Name
Due Date
7
STRUCTURING THE ESSAY
EXAMPLE OF AN ANALYTICAL ESSAY
Human pride is a complex emotion. On one hand, it is a necessary component of a
healthy self-esteem. On the other hand, if it becomes excessive, it can have harmful effects on
people‘s lives. Learning to give pride a balanced role in life is not always a simple task,
especially for a child. In ―The Scarlet Ibis,‖ James Hurst explores the effects of pride in a young
boy‘s life. Although the results of the narrator‘s pride allow Doodle to enjoy some of the normal
experiences of boyhood, that same pride contributes to the narrator‘s guilt over his brother‘s
death.
In some ways, the narrator‘s desire to have a brother like everyone else does impact
Doodle positively. Doodle is able to leave his go-cart behind after his brother teaches him, with
time and patience, to walk and then to run. Although the narrator‘s motives are selfish, Doodle
gains confidence through his ability to function independently. Since carting his little brother
around is no longer a chore, the narrator invites Doodle along on his adventures, even sharing
―the only beauty‖ (170) he knows, Old Woman Swamp. Their activities, such as making
necklaces and crowns, or spinning stories, bring the brothers closer together. Young as they are,
together they are able to achieve an accomplishment that the adults thought impossible, for
―nobody expects much from someone called Doodle‖ (170). Despite his shame over his selfish
motives in teaching Doodle, the narrator cannot help being caught up in the praise and celebration
of their accomplishment, as he waltzes his Aunt Nicey, who is ―thanks praying in the doorway‖
(173) of the dining room. Because of his brother‘s efforts, Doodle‘s future seems to hold the
promise of many such shared adventures.
Those same efforts, however, have some devastating effects for both their futures. At the
outset, the narrator cannot accept his brother for who he is, thinking it ―bad enough having an
invalid brother‖ (169), so he makes plans to smother him with a pillow. Tired of the ―long list of
don‘ts‖ (170) which make Doodle a burden, the narrator grows resentful of his handicapped
8
STRUCTURING THE ESSAY
brother. The cruelty which results, such as making Doodle touch the coffin in which he was
supposed to be buried, and threatening to leave Doodle alone, contributes to the growing guilt the
narrator feels. This guilt is apparent when he admits, ―There is within me (and with sadness I
have watched it in others) a knot of cruelty borne by the stream of love, much as our blood
sometimes bears the seed of our destruction‖ (170). As much as he loves his brother, and as
much as he is aware of his own cruel actions, the narrator continues to push Doodle beyond his
physical limitations. He makes his brother box, swim, and climb rope vines. Even on Doodle‘s
last day, he makes Doodle row back against the tide in the face of an impending storm. When
Doodle falls, pleading, ―Brother, Brother don‘t leave me! Don‘t leave me!‖ (176), the narrator
leaves Doodle in the downpour, only to return to find his brother dead. Unfortunately, in the end,
the narrator‘s selfish motivation proves to be stronger than his acceptance of his handicapped
brother.
Obviously, pride is not an absolute, simple emotion. The force of the narrator‘s conflict is
clear as he narrates the story of this troubled summer with such apparent remorse many years
later. Looking back on his short time with Doodle, his insight is now tinged with guilt: ―I did not
know then that pride is a wonderful, terrible thing, a seed that bears two vines, life and death‖
(172). He now can see that his shame of having a brother who is not ―normal‖ eclipsed his
appreciation for Doodle‘s exceptional qualities, such as his imagination. The project of helping
Doodle produced both the excitement of seeing Doodle‘s accomplishments as well as the seeds of
the narrator‘s enduring remorse. The fine line we all walk with pride requires balance; a selfish
need for social acceptance can easily overrule the pride necessary for self-esteem. Like the
narrator, we may atone too late, sheltering our own scarlet ibises from the storms we create.
9
STRUCTURING THE ESSAY
10
WRITING THE INTRODUCTION
WRITING THE INTRODUCTION
11
WRITING THE INTRODUCTION
12
WRITING THE INTRODUCTION
THESIS STATEMENTS
The first paragraph of your essay must get the reader‘s attention, introduce the subject of
your essay, and bring focus to the topic. The key element of this introductory paragraph
is the thesis statement, a sentence stating the subject and a focused opinion
(commentary). Since your thesis statement is the single most important sentence of your
essay, place it at the end of your introductory paragraph to give it the maximum impact.
Your thesis statement is crucial to your paper for three reasons:
1. It forces you to determine exactly what you‘re arguing before you write your essay.
2. It serves as an organizational contract between you and your reader.
3. It is your best marketing tool to sell your reader on the importance of your assertion.
Again, your thesis statement expresses a focused opinion, not a fact. Notice the difference
in the sentences below:
Fact:
Doodle is born with several handicaps.
Opinion:
Everyone in Doodle‘s family except for his brother accepts Doodle‘s
handicaps.
Although writing a good thesis is hard work, you should have a clear thesis statement
before you begin writing your essay. Follow these pre-writing steps to turn an idea into
an opinion that reflects an interesting and supportable argument:
1. Take your subject and narrow it according to the length of your essay.
Example: pride in ―The Scarlet Ibis‖
in ―The Scarlet Ibis‖
effect of the narrator‘s pride
2. Formulate an opinion about that narrowed topic – take a stand. You can
do this by completing the statement, ―I shall argue that ….‖
Example: I shall argue that the narrator‘s pride has both positive and
negative effects.
3. Then ask why and how questions to further clarify your stand on the issue.
Make sure you have sufficient evidence to support your answers.
Example: How does the narrator‘s pride show itself?
Why does he push Doodle to be normal?
How is what he does for Doodle in any way positive?
4. Form a thesis statement which asserts your opinion as a certainty (without
using ―I shall argue that,‖ ―I think,‖ or ―I believe‖) and includes the
significance or reasons.
Example: Although the results of the narrator‘s pride allow Doodle to enjoy some
of the normal experiences of boyhood, that same pride contributes to the
narrator‘s guilt over his brother‘s death.
13
WRITING THE INTRODUCTION
For an analytical literature essay, your thesis statement may take two forms:
1. a multi-part statement: states the specific ideas of each body paragraph
2. a unified statement of opinion: does not state the specific ideas of each body
paragraph but does inform the reader of an opinion
Beginning writers often use the multi-part statement because it allows them to grasp more
easily the organization of the essay. As you grow more proficient in your writing, you
will use a unified statement of opinion, which emphasizes the connection
between/among the main ideas.
Let‘s review our examples derived from James Hurst‘s short story, ―The Scarlet Ibis.‖
Remember that our topic was ―the effects of pride.‖ Try to find the subject and
opinion/commentary in the following thesis statements:
A multi-part statement: Although the results of the narrator’s pride allow Doodle to
enjoy some of the normal experiences of boyhood, that same pride contributes to the
narrator’s guilt over his brother’s death.
(This thesis states the specific ideas of each body paragraph.)
A unified statement of opinion: The narrator’s selfish motivation is stronger than his
acceptance of his brother.
(Notice that this thesis has the same idea, but does it not echo the key words of the main
idea nor state the specific points to be discussed.)
Examples of thesis statements you should AVOID:
AVOID:
The non-analytical thesis statement:
The narrator’s pride serves an important purpose in “The Scarlet Ibis.”
AVOID:
The weak, insecure thesis statement:
I think that the narrator only pretends to be proud, but many critics think he is indeed prideful.
AVOID:
The abstract generalization thesis statement:
“The Scarlet Ibis” is the greatest short story ever written.
AVOID:
The empty and vague thesis statement:
The narrator’s pride has significance in many ways.
AVOID:
The simple listing thesis statement:
The narrator’s pride has positive and negative effects.
AVOID:
The non-arguable thesis statement:
Doodle’s brother is ashamed of having a crippled brother.
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WRITING THE INTRODUCTION
TIPS FOR THE THESIS STATEMENT
 Make sure your thesis contains both a subject and an opinion (commentary). Remember
that your thesis is your opinion about the subject of your essay.
 Place your thesis at the end of your introduction for the best impact.
 Write a thesis that is focused and arguable. Avoid factual comments.
Weak:
―The Scarlet Ibis‖ is a tragic short story which ends in the inevitable
death of Doodle.
Improved:
Doodle‘s death is inevitable in a society intolerant of weakness or
uniqueness.
 Compress your thesis statement into one sentence if possible. If necessary, use a
semicolon to connect two parts of the thesis into a unified whole.
 Do not use phrases such as ―I think,‖ ―I feel,‖ ―In my opinion.‖ The reader already
knows that your thesis statement reflects your opinion. In fact, using those phrases often
gives the effect of uncertainty.
 State not only your assertion but also its significance.
 Avoid vague language. Make apparent your understanding of any terms or abstract
language.
 Focus your thesis statement solely on the topics or issues you will discuss. Avoid
sweeping generalizations.
 Do not phrase your thesis as a question. Questions imply a lack of confidence and
suggest that you haven‘t made up your own mind.
 Think of your thesis statement as a sales pitch. Sell your ideas as being an important
component to the reader‘s understanding of the subject.
Since writing an insightful thesis statement requires much thinking and revising, sometimes
you may find a much stronger and more specific thesis statement later in your essay. It is
acceptable to replace your original thesis with the better one and make any necessary changes
to your essay. Don’t be afraid of revision; the results are worth all the hard work!
15
WRITING THE INTRODUCTION
DIFFERENT WAYS TO BEGIN THE INTRODUCTION
Here are some common types of hooks used to write introductions. Use any one method
(or a plan of your own choosing) to introduce your subject in an engaging manner to the
reader. In the following sample introductions, the thesis statement is italicized.
1. Begin with a broad, general statement of your topic and narrow it down to your thesis
statement.
Human pride is a complex emotion. On one hand, it is a necessary component of a
healthy self-esteem. Yet on the other hand, if it becomes excessive, it can have harmful
effects on people‘s lives. Learning to give pride a balanced role in life is not always a simple
task, especially for a child. In James Hurst‘s ―The Scarlet Ibis,‖ he explores the effects of
pride in a young boy‘s life. The story‘s narrator, Doodle‘s brother, confronts both the
negative and positive effects of pride in his life.
2. Start with an idea or situation that is the opposite of one you will develop.
Pride is an emotion that often has negative connotations. It is closely associated with
conceit or disdain. James Hurst explores this troublesome emotion in his story of two
brothers, ―The Scarlet Ibis.‖ While Doodle‘s brother clearly pushes Doodle beyond his
physical limits out of a sense of pride, this personal characteristic also brings about some
positive outcomes. In several ways, Doodle‘s brother‘s pride ultimately provides Doodle
with a quality of life that he would not have otherwise known.
3. Explain the importance of your topic to the reader.
James Hurst‘s story, ―The Scarlet Ibis‖ is set against the backdrop of World War I, which
plays a subtle but symbolic role in the story of two brothers in the American South. Just as
the conflict in Europe is about suffering caused by men determined to reshape others in their
own image, Doodle‘s brother refuses to accept the differences between himself and Doodle.
The same pride that can bring about war causes Doodle‘s brother to insist that Doodle
become like him, and the destructive effects are just as devastating as in war. In this story,
events force Doodle‘s brother to confront the negative effects of his pride.
16
WRITING THE INTRODUCTION
4. Use an incident or brief story. Professional writers often begin this way because the
reader‘s attention is immediately engaged in a dramatic situation.
A father watches his young son swing the bat in his Little League game and puffs with
pride as the boy rounds the bases after yet another homerun. He lavishes praise on his son
who tries hard to please him. But the father expects so much of the boy, who finds it
increasingly hard to meet those expectations. The boy knows a strikeout in the next game
will evoke the father‘s anger and bitterness because his son‘s failure is somehow his own.
The demanding attitude of such a father is similar to the feelings of the narrator for his
disabled brother, Doodle, in ―The Scarlet Ibis‖ by James Hurst. Pride, which is sometimes
tied to expectations for another, can often breed anger and resentment which destroy rather
than build up.
5. Use a quotation.
The well-known admonition of the Bible, ―Pride goeth before a fall,‖ is one many can
verify is true. The excesses of pride give men arrogance and disdain for others who are not
like them that closes their hearts to tolerance and acceptance. James Hurst deals with the
effects of pride in his story, ―The Scarlet Ibis,‖ which recounts the childhood of a boy and his
disabled brother. Pride motivates Doodle‘s brother, the narrator of this mournful story, to
help his brother overcome his disabilities. The results are at first gratifying and yet ultimately
catastrophic, illustrating the dual nature of the effects of pride.
6. Begin with a startling fact or statistic.
According to the National Center on Birth Defects and Developmental Disabilities, about
120,000 children are born in the United States each year with a physical or mental disability.
These children‘s difficulties in life will be many, and their stories have often been told. How
their families relate to, are affected by, or are able to accept the disabled individual is a story
less often told. In James Hurst‘s story, ―The Scarlet Ibis,‖ he examines the way a young boy
deals with his disabled brother, Doodle. The narrator struggles with his pride, which
demands that his brother be ―normal,‖ only to discover the devastating effects of such pride.
On the other hand, it is the narrator‘s pride that offers Doodle a quality of life that he would
not have otherwise achieved. The narrator struggles with the paradox that pride can be both
terrible and wonderful.
17
WRITING THE INTRODUCTION
BEGINNINGS TO AVOID
These openers are weak because they are trite, overused, unexciting, or inappropriate
for an introduction to an analytical essay.
Dictionary Definitions
A disability, according to Webster, . . .
Plot Summary
―The Scarlet Ibis‖ is the story of a boy who is upset when his brother is born handicapped. He
even considers smothering him at first. The doctors do not give Doodle much of a life expectancy.
His parents have a coffin built for him.
Irrelevant Historical or Biographical Resume
James Hurst, author of the short story, ―The Scarlet Ibis‖ was once a banker in New York, but he
later became a writer when he returned to the South where he was born in 1922.
Common Knowledge or Platitude
Birds come in all sizes and colors. Red birds can be found in America, but some are exotic and
are generally only found in other countries.
Overly Formal Statement
An argument that has been put forth by many a child is that he or she should not have to be
responsible for the well-being of his/her younger sibling.
Questions
What is it like to lose a sibling when you are still a child yourself? What is it like when you feel
responsible for that sibling‘s death? How could you ever forgive yourself?
Apologies
Even for an expert in literature who is an avid reader, analyzing ―The Scarlet Ibis‖ would be a
daunting task. The story is so difficult to read, so long, and so filled with symbolism that
comprehending it is nearly overwhelming.
Reference to the Process of Reading
When reading ―The Scarlet Ibis‖ by James Hurst, the reader first notices the imagery and vivid
descriptions. After turning the pages, the reader begins to feel a part of the world of Doodle and
his brother.
Remember: Begin immediately with something connected with the literary work, directly
related to the main idea of your thesis. Too general of a beginning makes it
impossible for you to narrow in on your thesis within a paragraph. Make your
opener grab your audience‘s attention by being fresh and interesting or provocative.
18
WRITING BODY PARAGRAPHS
19
20
WRITING BODY PARAGRAPHS
STRUCTURE OF THE BODY PARAGRAPH
In some ways, the narrator’s desire to have a brother
topic sentence /
body thesis (BTS)
like everyone else does impact Doodle positively. Doodle is
able to leave his go-cart behind after his brother teaches him,
with time and patience, to walk and then to run. Although the
concrete detail
commentary
narrator’s motives are selfish, Doodle gains confidence
through his ability to function independently. Since carting
his little brother around is no longer a chore, the narrator invites
commentary
w/concrete detail
Doodle along on his adventures, even sharing ―the only beauty‖
(170) he knows, Old Woman Swamp. Their activities, such as
concrete detail
w/commentary
making necklaces and crowns, or spinning stories, bring the
brothers closer together. Young as they are, together they are
commentary
w/concrete detail
able to achieve an accomplishment that the adults thought
impossible, for ―nobody expects much from someone called
Doodle‖ (170). Despite his shame over his selfish motives in
commentary
w/concrete detail
teaching Doodle, the narrator cannot help being caught up in
the praise and celebration of their accomplishment, as he
waltzes his Aunt Nicey, who is “thanks praying in the
doorway” (173) of the dining room. Because of his brother‘s
efforts, Doodle‘s future seems to hold the promise of many such
shared adventures.
21
concluding
sentence
(all commentary)
WRITING BODY PARAGRAPHS
TOPIC SENTENCES/BODY THESIS SENTENCES
Your topic sentence should function as an umbrella statement that covers every detail to
be discussed in this paragraph. The topic sentence addresses one component of your
essay‘s thesis, and, in this way, it functions as a thesis statement for its own paragraph.
In addition to holding each paragraph together, topic sentences should link each
paragraph to the thesis of your essay. The easiest way to make this connection is to write
your topic sentences with occasional references to key words and ideas from your thesis
statement.
Example:
Thesis statement: Although the results of the narrator‘s pride allow Doodle to enjoy
some of the normal experiences of boyhood, that same pride contributes to the narrator‘s
guilt over his brother’s death.
Topic Sentence (Body paragraph #1): In some ways, the narrator‘s desire to have a
brother like everyone else does impact Doodle positively.
Topic Sentence (Body paragraph #2): Those same efforts, however, have some
devastating effects for both their futures.
It is clear from the topic sentences that body paragraph #1 will discuss the positive effects
of the narrator‘s pride, while body paragraph #2 will discuss the negative effects. You
can see the connections, which are italicized for you. Your topic sentences keep the main
ideas of the thesis statement threaded through the essay. They should also be arguments,
not factual detail.
Topic Sentence: Without the narrator‘s efforts, Doodle would not have enjoyed a
meaningful life.
Factual Detail:
The narrator shared his world with Doodle.
Notice how the factual detail sentence has no argument and therefore cannot signal the
main idea of the body paragraph. It is much too limited.
Transitions in your topic sentences can help keep your essay fluent and logical.
So remember:
Topic sentences reflect a main component of your thesis statement.
A topic sentence should be an argument that your body paragraph will prove.
22
WRITING BODY PARAGRAPHS
CONCRETE DETAIL
The most convincing body paragraphs use specific and strong examples for support of the
topic sentence/body thesis.
Concrete details are such things as what characters say or do, what characters think,
what the author says about his/her characters, or any detail of description or action
that helps prove that your topic sentence is true. In any case, it must be as specific, or
concrete, as possible.
Example: Sometimes the narrator accidentally turns Doodle over in the go-cart.
This concrete detail has been paraphrased from the actual words of the story. Sometimes
a concrete detail is worded in such a way that it should be quoted exactly (see
Quotations on the following page).
Concrete details support your reasons for why your body thesis is true. Therefore, you
should select them carefully and order them within each paragraph from least to most
important.
Do not give more than one concrete detail without explaining your first example through
commentary.
Showing vs. Telling
Avoid the temptation to make generalizations rather than incorporate concrete detail. All
claims you make need concrete details as supporting evidence. Thus, it would not be
appropriate to say ―Doodle‘s brother was sometimes careless about Doodle‘s welfare‖
without proof, such as in the example above: ―Sometimes the narrator accidentally turns
Doodle over in the go-cart.‖ This sentence shows that your claim is true.
It takes a close reading of your text to find the appropriate concrete details, but they are
essential for a strong essay.
Some Helpful Words to Introduce Concrete Detail:
For example
For instance
This is evident when
Because
Since
23
WRITING BODY PARAGRAPHS
QUOTATIONS
Quotations are an important and authoritative source of concrete details in an essay
about literature. You must include at least one as support in every body paragraph of
your essay. Using quotations well, however, can be tricky. Remember the following
general guidelines:
Quote the words exactly from the text.
Use only significant quotations – when only the exact wording will do. Otherwise,
paraphrase.
Avoid:
Being the first to see the scarlet ibis, Doodle calls out to the family, ―It‘s
a great big red bird!‖ (174). [Does this quote seem to offer important
information to you?]
Connect the quotation to your words/comments in the essay. Never use self-contained
quotations – that is, quotes that stand all by themselves, disconnected from sentences
before or after the quotation.
Avoid:
Disappointment causes the narrator to cruelly ignore Doodle‘s plea as
they run through the storm. “Brother, Brother, don‘t leave me! Don‘t
leave me!‖ (176). The narrator wants to punish his brother for his
failure.
Improved:
Disappointed by his brother‘s failure to reach the goals, the narrator
attempts to punish him as they run through the storm by cruelly ignoring
Doodle, who pleads, ―Brother, Brother, don‘t leave me! Don‘t leave
me!‖ (176).
Your commentary about the quotation might include the following:
 the identification of the speaker
 identification of the person being addressed
 brief context/background plot information
 commentary/analysis
Avoid:
Improved:
Feeling resentful, the narrator admits, “Sometimes I accidentally turned
him over, but he never told Mama‖ (170). [This is unclear because the
reader does not know why the narrator is resentful, who is turned over, or
how the narrator ―turned him over.‖]
Resenting the loss of his own independence [commentary] when
required to haul Doodle around everywhere he went [brief context],
the narrator [speaker identification] admits, ―Sometimes I accidentally
turned him over, but he never told Mama‖ (170).
Use appropriate quotations for your comments. Search for quotations that particularly
highlight/support your statements, like the one above.
Use only the most significant portions of the material you would like to quote. In that
way you will find it easier to connect the quotation to your own commentary (see
examples in the first body paragraph of the sample essay on page 8).
24
WRITING BODY PARAGRAPHS
Cite the page number where you found the quotation in the literary work, by placing it
after the quote in parentheses. If a quotation begins at the end of one page and continues
on to the following page, note it in the following manner: (12-13).
Write quotations no longer than three typewritten lines, as this is in proportion to the
shorter length essays that most of your English teachers will assign.
Keep quotations within the text of your essay. Do not set them off with special type or
indentations. Do not single space quotes.
PLACEMENT OF QUOTATIONS IN AN ESSAY
Introductory Paragraph:
In general, you should not use quotes from the literary work being analyzed in this
paragraph, as they are typically used in body paragraphs for support.
Quotes relating to the essay‘s subject may introduce this paragraph.
Body Paragraphs:
You must include at least one quotation in each body paragraph to provide evidence for
your commentary/analytical statements.
In general, you should not use a quote in a paragraph‘s topic sentence or concluding
sentence, since these should be commentary.
Do not use one-word or two-word quotes, as they are often meaningless.
Avoid:
The narrator recognizes his own cruelty when he takes Doodle to the
barn loft to show him the ―mahogany box‖ (172) that their father had a carpenter
build shortly after his birth.
Concluding Paragraph:
As a general recommendation, you should not use more than one quote in the entire
paragraph, and preferably not in the restated thesis.
Here the quote can be from the literary work or an outside source.
It is best to finish your conclusion with your own commentary to give authority to the
significance of your argument.
25
WRITING BODY PARAGRAPHS
TYPES OF QUOTATIONS
Character Quotations
What they are:
The quoted words are the actual spoken words or thoughts of a character from the work,
used to prove an argument you are making.
The quotation itself must be a complete sentence, connected to your words/comments.
You must name the character speaking when using this type of quotation, avoiding the
overuse of the word ―says.‖ (See page 49 of the essay packet for alternative word
choices.)
Avoid:
When Aunt Nicey says, ―Dead birds is bad luck‖ (175), she introduces a
sense of foreboding.
Improved:
When Aunt Nicey remarks, ―Dead birds is bad luck‖ (175), she
introduces a sense of foreboding.
Where to place and how to punctuate them:
In the middle of the sentence:
Example:
Each time his mother cries out, ―Take Doodle with you‖ (170), the
narrator‘s resentment grows because he views his brother as an unfair
burden.
Example:
After seeing Doodle‘s sensitive reaction to the beauty of Old
Woman Swamp, the narrator remarks with irritation, ―For heaven‘s sake,
what‘s the matter?‖ (170), interpreting his tears as yet another sign of
weakness in his brother.
At the end of the sentence:
Example:
Example:
Viewing his brother as an unfair burden on him, the narrator‘s
resentment grows each time the mother cries out, ―Take Doodle with
you‖ (170).
After seeing Doodle‘s sensitive reaction to the beauty of Old
Woman Swamp, the narrator quickly interprets his tears as yet another
sign of weakness in his brother when he remarks, ―For heaven‘s sake,
what‘s the matter?‖ (170).
At the beginning of the sentence:
Avoid this position, as it is usually awkward and abrupt for the reader.
26
WRITING BODY PARAGRAPHS
TYPES OF QUOTATIONS
Tuck-in Quotations
What they are:
The quoted words/phrases are tucked in/folded into/blended into/inserted into your
sentence.
The quoted words become an essential, absolutely necessary part of your sentence.
The quoted words/phrases cannot be taken out of your sentence because then it would
not make sense.
Tuck-in quotations should NOT include 1st or 2nd person pronouns.
Awkward:
After the death of his brother, which occurs in a moment of purposeful
neglect, the distressed narrator attempts to protect ―my fallen scarlet ibis
from the heresy of rain‖ (176).
Improved:
After the death of his brother which occurs in a moment of
purposeful neglect, the distressed narrator attempts to protect
his ―fallen scarlet ibis from the heresy of rain‖ (176).
Do not place tuck-in quotes back-to-back.
The majority of quotations you use in your essay should be of the tuck-in variety.
Where to place and how to punctuate them:
In the middle of the sentence:
Example:
Although the narrator resents that his brother does not provide
the relationship he longs for in a sibling, he discovers when they
play together in Old Woman Swamp that they are ―beyond the
touch of the everyday world‖ (170) where those traditional ideas
matter. Here they co-exist in a world of fantasy and beauty.
At the end of the sentence:
Example:
The opening lines of the story seem to foreshadow the death of
Doodle with the mention of the empty bird‘s nest outside his home
which ―rocked back and forth like an empty cradle‖ (169).
At the beginning of the sentence:
Avoid this position, as it is usually awkward and abrupt for the reader.
27
WRITING BODY PARAGRAPHS
ADDITIONAL PUNCTUATION DEVICES
Question Marks (?) and Exclamation Points(!):
When a character quote has as its end mark a question mark or exclamation point,
you must include that punctuation inside of the quotation marks.
After the end quote marks, place the page number where you can find the
quotation in the literary work in parentheses.
Follow the page number with the comma or period needed to continue or
complete your sentence.
Example:
After seeing Doodle‘s sensitive reaction to the beauty of Old Woman
Swamp, the narrator remarks with irritation, ―For heaven‘s sake, what‘s
the matter?” (170), interpreting his tears as yet another sign of weakness
his brother.
Example:
After seeing Doodle‘s sensitive reaction to the beauty of Old Woman
Swamp, the narrator remarks with irritation, ―For heaven‘s sake, what‘s
the matter?” (170).
Ellipsis Marks (...):
The best quotes avoid ellipsis marks altogether.
You use this punctuation to shorten the quote by deleting a word or phrase and
substituting the ellipsis marks (…) instead. Of course, the remaining quote must
fit smoothly in with your own sentence.
You should rarely use the ellipsis marks at the beginning or end of a tuck-in
quote.
Brackets [ ]:
Indicate that you are altering a quotation by placing the brackets ( [ ] ) around the
word(s) that you have substituted in place of the author‘s original word(s). A
common use is to change the author‘s past-tense verb into present tense to flow
with your present-tense commentary.
Awkward:
The fact that the narrator needs to ―ran into the house and brought
back the bird book‖ (175) accentuates the notion that just as Doodle‘s
physical handicaps make him an awkward fit in his human environment
so is the scarlet ibis alien to North Carolina.
With Brackets:
The fact that the narrator needs to ―[run] into the house and
[bring] back the bird book‖ (175) accentuates the notion that just
as Doodle‘s physical handicaps make him an awkward fit in his
human environment, so is the scarlet ibis alien to North Carolina.
28
WRITING BODY PARAGRAPHS
You might occasionally use this technique to change the author‘s selected
pronoun that does not work logically in your sentence.
Awkward:
Distressed by the death of his brother, which occurs in a moment of
purposeful neglect, he repents while ―sheltering my fallen scarlet ibis
from the heresy of rain‖ (176).
Improved:
Distressed by the death of his brother, which occurs in a moment of
purposeful neglect, he repents while ―sheltering [his] fallen scarlet
ibis from the heresy of rain‖ (176).
The best quotes avoid brackets altogether. Search for an alternative wording.
Sometimes it is best to paraphrase:
The need to consult a bird book to identify the red creature perching in the tree
accentuates the notion that just as Doodle‘s physical handicaps make him an awkward fit
in his human environment, so is the scarlet ibis alien to North Carolina.
Poetic Slash Mark ( / ):
You will indicate the end of each line of poetry which you are quoting with the slash
mark ( / ). Retain the capitalization and any punctuation the author uses within the
quotation.
I‘ll look to like, if looking liking move;
But no more deep will I endart mine eye
Than your consent gives strength to make it fly.
Original Text:
Juliet:
Example:
When Juliet‘s mother asks if she might be interested in marrying a particular
gentleman who will attend the ball that night, Juliet demonstrates her desire to
please her parents as she responds, ―I‘ll look to like, if looking liking move;/But
no more deep will I endart mine eye/Than your consent gives strength to make it
fly‖ (1.3.97-99).
Drama Citations:
Plays written in prose, such as The Crucible, follow the usual guidelines for the citation of quotations.
Plays written in verse, however, such as The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet, require different citation. Omit
page numbers when citing classic drama. Instead, cite by textual division (Act. scene. line) with periods or
commas separating the divisions. For the Act and scene, use Arabic numerals or Roman numerals in upper
case for Act; Arabic numerals or lower case Roman numerals for scene. Line numbers are written with
Arabic numerals.
So, if you are using a quote which appears in Act I, scene 3, lines 97-99 as appears in the above example,
you will indicate that as (1.3.97-99) or (I.iii.97-99).
Here‘s a review of Roman numerals:
I, II, III, IV, V
29
or
i, ii, iii, iv, v
WRITING BODY PARAGRAPHS
COMMENTARY
Commentary is your explanation or discussion of the concrete details you have selected
to support the basic thesis argument of your essay. You need to make sure your reader
understands how each concrete detail relates to your main thesis as well as to the main
idea of your body paragraph. In other words, your commentary connects your concrete
detail to the main argument of your essay; it is how you persuade the reader that your
thesis is true.
Concrete detail: Sometimes the narrator accidentally turns Doodle over in the go-cart.
Commentary: Tired of having to watch Doodle every day, the narrator is at times
irresponsible about his brother‘s welfare. Although the narrator does not want to physically
harm Doodle, his growing resentment of having a brother for whom he must constantly care
is apparent.
How much commentary should you have in your body paragraphs?
You should aim for two parts commentary to one part detail. In other words, there are two
points of commentary for each detail, example, or quote.
Commentary is difficult because all the thoughts must come from you! You have to write
your own opinion, interpretation, insight, analysis, explanation, evaluation, reflection, or
discussion about a detail from the story. When you write commentary, you are
―commenting‖ on a point you have made, always in reference to the focus of your thesis
sentence.
Be careful when writing commentary:
It is not a simple listing or restating of facts or details from a work.
It is not a summary of the plot.
Imagine that your reader has read the same literary work but does not understand the
meaning of the work as well as you do! You are explaining and analyzing its
meaning. You are not telling what happened in the story but why it happened or how
it is significant.
Example of a plot summary with NO commentary:
When they reach the shore, Doodle collapses in the mud from fatigue; with
the help of the narrator, however, he manages to get up and start for home.
He tries to keep up with his brother but falls behind and dies underneath a
red nightshade bush.
After reading this plot summary, the reader cannot help but wonder,
―So what? What is the meaning of it all?‖
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WRITING BODY PARAGRAPHS
Do not misstate facts/details to fit an interpretation.
For example, let‘s say that you are discussing the negative effects of pride in the story.
You find a concrete detail to support your thesis such as the narrator making plans to kill
Doodle by smothering him with a pillow. In your commentary, however, you do not
explain how this detail relates to the negative effects of pride; instead, your commentary
focuses on the narrator‘s homicidal tendencies.
If commentary does not lead the reader to an understanding of the thesis, it is
irrelevant and/or incoherent.
To write a body paragraph with clear, insightful commentary, look at your concrete
details and draw reasoned analytical conclusions from them by making it clear to your
reader how they connect to the main idea of your paragraph.
Example of Concrete Details with Commentary (commentary is italicized):
The narrator‘s pride prevents him from accepting his brother‘s weakness and blinds him to the
desperate reality of Doodle‘s condition. After the narrator makes his brother row back against the tide
in the face of an impending storm, Doodle collapses in the mud. He is exhausted from his day of
exertion and knows that he has disappointed his brother. Frightened by the impending storm, however,
he gets up and starts for home, begging his brother not to leave him. He tries to keep up with the
narrator but falls behind, too exhausted to run; the day’s strenuous activities prove to be too much for
him. The narrator, disappointed in Doodle’s physical performance and unwilling to recognize the
medical warning signs of Doodle’s condition, continues to run faster. When he returns to find Doodle
huddled on the ground, dead under the red nightshade bush, he begins to understand that his desire to
make Doodle a “normal” boy has, in fact, contributed to his brother’s death. In the end, the
narrator’s selfish pride proves to be stronger than his acceptance of his handicapped brother.
Notice how the commentary draws from the concrete details and supports the
argument presented by the topic sentence. Explicitly stating your ideas and
interpretations will help drive your point home.
You can vary the position of the commentary for each concrete detail by placing it
before, after, or in the same sentence as the detail. The two points of commentary can
be two separate ideas or one idea taken further. Reread the above paragraph for
examples of each.
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WRITING BODY PARAGRAPHS
CONCLUDING SENTENCES
Once you have adequately explained and interpreted your concrete details through
commentary, be sure to end your body paragraph with an appropriate concluding
sentence. This sentence is a summary statement of the paragraph.
The concluding sentence often begins with a transition, such as the words or phrases
below:
In effect
In other words
Under the circumstances
Essentially
In essence
Thus
Therefore
As a result
Hence
Consequently
Clearly
Accordingly
For this reason
It follows that
The concluding sentence does not merely duplicate the topic sentence of the paragraph in
thought or language. It comes to a conclusion about the main idea.
Examples (from body paragraphs in sample essay on page 8):
In some ways, the narrator‘s desire to have a normal brother like
everyone else does impact Doodle positively.
Concluding Sentence: Because of his brother‘s effort, Doodle‘s future seems to
hold the promise of many such adventures.
Topic sentence:
Topic sentence:
Those same efforts, however, have some devastating effects for
both their futures.
Concluding sentence: Unfortunately, in the end, the narrator‘s selfish motivation
proves to be stronger than his acceptance of his handicapped
brother.
Notice how the concluding sentence in each example seems to clarify or solidify the
main idea in the topic sentence. The topic sentence opens up; the concluding sentence
closes.
32
WRITING THE CONCLUSION
33
34
WRITING THE CONCLUSION
CONCLUDING PARAGRAPHS
The concluding paragraph should do just that—conclude. You may feel you have just
finished saying all you can possibly say in the body of your essay. No essay, however, is
complete without drawing some conclusions from the thesis, which you so painstakingly
have proven is true. Take the following steps to write your conclusion:
1. Bring the main point of your essay into sharp focus.
To do this, you may begin with a summary of the main points of the essay or a
re-worded statement of your thesis. Compare the sample sentences below:
Thesis statement:
The narrator‘s pride has both a positive and negative effect in
this story.
Re-statement for conclusion:
Doodle‘s brother‘s pride seems to bring about positive changes
for Doodle, but ultimately this pride causes Doodle‘s death and,
with it, a lifetime of guilt for his brother.
2. Gratify your reader with at least one NEW idea.
First, re-read your essay. The thesis you have chosen should have strong
support. Then ask yourself any of the questions that follow in order to decide
what this new idea should be.
What is the significance of my thesis?
What are the implications of my thesis?
What broader application does my thesis have to life in general? To other
situations? To the underlying theme? To the meaning of the title?
What further insight do I now have into my thesis?
What meaning has the author imparted that can be realized as a result of
examining the work through the lens that focused on my thesis?
How can I extend my original thesis to incorporate some larger significance?
Example:
The final words of the story reveal that, in retrospect, the narrator realizes that he
did to Doodle what nature did to the scarlet ibis. When he sheltered his ― fallen
scarlet ibis from the heresy of rain‖ (176), he recognized his own love and
respect for Doodle, as well as the intractable pride that made him place fatally
harsh demands on Doodle. Years later he confronts the duality of his pride
which helped Doodle progress far beyond any expectations others had for his
life. It bonded the brothers who were so disparate, but it also pushed aside his
compassion and tolerance, replacing them with unrealistic expectations and
cruelty.
[The shifts in verb tense show the present contemplation of past actions.]
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WRITING THE CONCLUSION
3. Give your ending emotional impact. Conclude with a striking statement.
This statement could be a true conclusion drawn from the rest of this
paragraph, a broader implication of the subject, an opinion based on the
previous discussion, a prediction or forecast, an apt quotation, a final
statement of the meaning of the story or its title.
Example:
Ultimately, this is a story of sin and remorse. Doodle‘s brother is writing a
confession that he both loved and hated his brother, and that his pride enriched
Doodle‘s life just as it caused his death. Recognizing and admitting his fault is
the first step toward finally forgiving himself for being nothing more than we all
are, human.
Here’s the conclusion in its entirety from the examples above:
Doodle‘s brother‘s pride seems to bring about positive changes for Doodle,
but ultimately this pride causes Doodle‘s death and, with it, a lifetime of guilt for
his brother. The final words of the story reveal that, in retrospect, the narrator
realizes that he did to Doodle what nature did to the scarlet ibis. When he
sheltered his ―fallen scarlet ibis from the heresy of rain‖ (176), he recognized his
own love and respect for Doodle, as well as the intractable pride that made him
place fatally harsh demands on Doodle. Years later he confronts the duality of
his pride which helped Doodle progress far beyond any expectations others had
for his life. It bonded the brothers who were so disparate, but it also pushed aside
his compassion and tolerance, replacing them with unrealistic expectations and
cruelty. Ultimately, this is a story of sin and remorse. Doodle‘s brother is writing
a confession that he both loved and hated his brother, and that his pride enriched
Doodle‘s life just as it caused his death. Recognizing and admitting his fault is
the first step toward finally forgiving himself for being nothing more than we all
are, human.
For another example, look again at the conclusion in the sample essay on page 9.
Try to locate the different sections within it.
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WRITING THE CONCLUSION
Some other ways to conclude:
With a concluding opinion that grows from and reflects the preceding
evidence:
A balance between selfish and healthy pride is difficult to achieve but necessary
if we are to live in society.
With a speculative statement that leaves the subject open for further thought:
Perhaps Doodle’s brother is no guiltier than any of us, for who has never
stepped over the boundary between pride and selfishness.
With a return to the problem or image in the introductory paragraph so that the
essay has a rounded effect:
James Hurst has explored the dual nature of pride as a quest into the dual nature
of all men, seeking the answer to the fundamental question of man’s innate
propensity for good and evil.
With an ironic or unexpected turn of thought:
Perhaps it was simply Doodle’s time to die, and his brother has taken on guilt for
an event he did not actually cause.
With an appropriate anecdote that illustrates your main idea:
Cain slew his brother Abel out of envy, and then avoided admitting his guilt,
telling God, “Am I my brother’s keeper?”
With a brief, easily recognizable quote that emphasizes your idea:
Once the narrator equates Doodle to his “fallen scarlet ibis” (176), he
understands Doodle’s puzzling compassion for the dead bird in their yard.
With a reference to a literary parallel, a brief comparison to another work of
literature that reflects the same idea or theme:
Similarly, in de Maupassant’s short story “The Necklace,” Mathilde Loisel
suffers for many years before the guilt over the consequences of her excessive
pride can be expiated.
DO NOT:
Simply restate the thesis and main points of your essay
Globalize or make generalizations that extend far beyond the limits of your
argument
Leave your reader with unanswered questions
Ask pointless questions
Throw in random ideas that you did not discuss in the body of the paper
Make apologies
Make melodramatic statements
Use hyperbole
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WRITING THE CONCLUSION
38
REVISING AND EDITING
39
40
REVISING AND EDITING
TRANSITIONS
Transitions are merely connections between sentences or paragraphs, and their
purpose is to help the reader follow the writer‘s line of thought. The writer uses them
to progress smoothly from one idea to the next.
There are two types of transitional devices: standard devices and paragraph hooks.
Experienced writers use them in combination.
Standard Devices
Used for pro and con arguments (e.g. true, admittedly, obviously, nevertheless)
Show shifting of point of view (e.g. furthermore, however, instead)
Reflect emphasis (e.g. in fact, indeed, undoubtedly)
See pages 43-44 for more examples
Paragraph Hooks
Use these for subtler and stronger control of your essay:
Word hook:
Hook the last word (or short phrase) of the preceding paragraph into the first
sentence of the next paragraph.
Deeper hook:
Hook any of the words of the last sentence of the previous paragraph into the first
sentence of the next paragraph.
Multiple hook:
Repeat one or two key words from deeper into the preceding paragraph (but do not
insult the reader with obvious repetition).
Idea hook:
Repeat an idea rather than an exact word or phrase (paraphrase).
Remember: The best transitional device is a logically ordered argument with
proper emphasis of your major points. Support the progression of
your ideas with the appropriate essay structure.
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REVISING AND EDITING
To see how these transitions work, let‘s look at the first body paragraph from our example
essay, as well as the first sentence of the second body paragraph. The standard devices are
in bold; the paragraph hooks are italicized.
In some ways, the narrator‘s desire to have a brother like everyone else does impact
Doodle positively. Doodle is able to leave his go-cart behind after his brother teaches
him, with time and patience, to walk and then to run. Although the narrator‘s
motives are selfish, Doodle gains confidence through his ability to function
independently. Since carting his little brother around is no longer a chore, the
narrator invites Doodle along on his adventures, even sharing ―the only beauty‖
(170) he knows, Old Woman Swamp. Their activities, such as making necklaces and
crowns, or spinning stories, bring the brothers closer together. Young as they are,
together they are able to achieve an accomplishment that the adults thought
impossible, for ―nobody expects much from someone called Doodle‖ (170). Despite
his shame over his selfish motives in teaching Doodle, the narrator cannot help being
caught up in the praise and celebration of their accomplishment, as he waltzes his
Aunt Nicey, who is ―thanks praying in the doorway‖ (173) of the dining room.
Because of his brother‘s efforts, Doodle‘s future seems to hold the promise of many
such shared adventures.
Those same efforts, however, have some devastating effects for both their futures.
The words efforts and futures in the topic sentence of the second body paragraph echo
the same words from the last sentence of the first body paragraph. This is an example
of a deeper paragraph hook.
Here are examples of the other types of paragraph hooks, substituted for the topic
sentence of the second body paragraph:
These adventures come to a tragic end when the narrator‘s program to
make Doodle like other boys fails.
Multiple hook: Unfortunately, the narrator‘s desire to have a normal brother also has
a devastating impact on both brothers.
Idea hook:
This optimism, however, fades when the approach of fall signals the
failure of the narrator‘s program.
Word hook:
What phrase does the idea hook optimism echo? See if you can locate each hook in the
first body paragraph.
Notice the standard devices used together with paragraph hooks. Use a variety of
combinations of both devices, but don‘t overload your paragraphs. Notice also
transitions of both kinds used between sentences within the body paragraphs to help
guide the reader through the main points and examples. Use these also, but again,
don‘t overdo it.
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REVISING AND EDITING
COMMON TRANSITIONS: STANDARD DEVICES
1. To indicate addition or another point:*
also
furthermore
finally
then
after that
besides
of course
in addition
another
in brief
moreover
then again
lastly
to begin with
next
at the outset
in short
in other words
as might be expected
in the next place
in a like manner
equally important
as has been noted
2. To indicate another time:
next
soon
at length
meanwhile
then
later
finally
previously
beforehand
afterward
immediately
not long after
whereupon
accordingly
as might be expected
provided that
still
despite
on the other hand
notwithstanding
on the contrary
3. To indicate results, causes, or purpose:
therefore
consequently
hence
thus
for this reason
as a result
4. To show contrast:
conversely
in spite of
even if
however**
although
instead
nevertheless
otherwise
even so yet
5. To indicate comparison:
similarly
comparably
as an example
in comparison
for instance
even so
likewise
in like manner
on the opposite side
in this location
in this area
juxtaposed
6. To indicate place:
here
there
adjacently
nearby
end to end
in this spot
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REVISING AND EDITING
7. Turn signals: Alert the reader that he is about to read a different view, an
opposing idea, or a change in the direction of the discussion.
yet
meanwhile
otherwise
on the contrary
nevertheless
notwithstanding
on the other hand
in spite of
although
despite
conversely
however**
8. Stop signals: Convey that special attention should be paid to what follows
because it is significant.
undoubtedly
hereafter
significantly
without a question
without a doubt
without precedent
unquestionably
by far
most assuredly
9. Relationship signals: Specify the type of relationship.
Time:
Space:
Cause & Effect:
Degree:
Condition:
finally
while
when
soon
beside
there
here
because
since
so
that
above all
many
less
if
unless
though
*
Avoid using in conclusion, to sum up, first(ly), second(ly), etc. These are
commonplace, overused, and weak.
**
Be careful when using however in the beginning of a sentence, as you may be in
danger of writing a fragment rather than a complete sentence. This word usually joins
two sentences.
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REVISING AND EDITING
VERB TENSE
Verbs can change their form to show present, past, and future time periods; for example,
the verb like has the following tenses:
Present:
Past:
Future:
Present perfect:
Past perfect:
Future perfect:
he likes
he liked
he will like
he has liked
he had liked
he will have liked
Believe it or not, selecting and staying with an appropriate verb tense can be somewhat of
a problem, especially when you‘re mixing your words with those of the author of the
literary work you are analyzing. Switching back and forth among present, past and future
can completely confuse your reader, so we suggest you make it easy on everybody and
stay with the present tense for all main verbs. You might be tempted to use the past tense
because your reading of the work and the action of the story are already finished, but
using the present tense is a far better choice because it keeps your analysis ―alive‖ and
meaningful.
The consistent use of the present tense actually makes your job as a writer easier.
Here‘s an example of the kind of decisions you might have to make if you decide to write
in past tense:
Problematic:
(Past Tense)
Once the narrator decided [had decided?] he would teach
Doodle to walk, he would take [took?] him into Old Woman Swamp
and practice [practiced? would practice?] with him until Doodle was
exhausted [would be exhausted?].
More Effective:
(Present Tense)
Once the narrator decides to teach Doodle to walk, he takes
him into Old Woman Swamp and practices with him until Doodle is
exhausted.
See how much easier present tense is?
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REVISING AND EDITING
ACTIVE/PASSIVE VOICE
The English language has two voices—active and passive. What those words really refer
to is the action or lack of action of the subject of the sentence. When the subject is doing
the action, as in ―The shark bit deeply into the exposed leg of the hapless surfer,‖ that‘s
the active voice. When the subject is being acted upon, as in ―The exposed leg of the
hapless surfer was deeply bitten by the shark,‖ that‘s passive voice.
It doesn‘t take a professional stylist to see that the first sentence about the surfer and the
shark is quite a bit more powerful than the second is. Active voice generally tends to have
a greater impact because it keeps the reader focused on the action and forces the writer to
consider using livelier verbs. Another benefit is that it almost always uses fewer words
than the passive.
Let‘s take a look at some of the advantages of choosing the active voice over the passive.
Active voice:
After Daddy builds a go-cart for Doodle, the narrator reluctantly drags Doodle
everywhere he goes.
Passive voice: After a go-cart is built for Doodle by Daddy, he is reluctantly dragged around by
the narrator everywhere he goes.
Using the passive voice creates several problems in this sentence. The pronoun he, for
example, could refer to Doodle or Daddy. Just who is being dragged around? You might
also notice that the original sentence is fifteen words long, but this one is twenty.
Active voice:
With great effort, Doodle buries the scarlet ibis in the flower garden.
Passive voice: The scarlet ibis is buried in the flower garden by Doodle with great effort.
This sentence is wordy and inefficient.
Beginning writers seem to believe that the passive voice makes their writing sound more
formal and academic. They resort to contrived devices such as the following:
It is understood by the reader that the young narrator is embarrassed by Doodle‘s many
weaknesses.
Why not just say it directly and simply?
Doodle‘s many weaknesses embarrass the young narrator.
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REVISING AND EDITING
SENTENCE VARIETY
Variety in sentence structure is achieved in one of two ways:
Using different types of sentences
Beginning your sentences in different ways
Types of sentences:
Simple, declarative sentences express one complete thought.
Example: Doodle makes necklaces of flowers and floats them out to sea.
Compound sentences connect two or more complete thoughts in one of three
ways.
1. With a conjunction preceded by a comma
,and
,or
,so
,but
,nor
Example:
,for
,yet
The narrator teaches Doodle to walk, but he is not content to let
Doodle stop there.
2. With a semicolon
Example:
Doodle‘s parents seem to expect him to die; they have a coffin built for
him when he is an infant.
3. With a transition between the two complete thoughts
;accordingly,
;in fact,
;therefore,
;also,
;instead,
;thus,
;besides,
;moreover,
;for example,
;consequently,
;nevertheless, ;for instance,
;indeed,
;similarly,
;that is,
Example:
;furthermore,
;hence,
;however,
;otherwise,
;still,
Doodle walked because his brother was ashamed of having a crippled
brother; nevertheless, Doodle‘s brother greatly enhances the quality of
Doodle‘s life by teaching him to walk.
Complex sentences connect a complete thought to a clause at the beginning or end
of the complete thought.
Words that introduce the clauses:
after
as though
since
when
although
because
so that
whenever
as
before
than
where
as if
if
though
wherever
as long as
in order that
unless
while
as soon as
provided that
until
Example: After he teaches Doodle to walk, Doodle‘s brother sets new
goals for Doodle to achieve.
Example: Doodle must learn to run and climb before school starts in the
fall.
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REVISING AND EDITING
Beginning sentences in different ways:
Introductory phrases:
Telling lies is one of Doodle‘s favorite pastimes.
Covered in a film of Paris green to kill the rats, the little coffin is stored in the barn
loft.
To frighten his brother, the narrator takes Doodle up to the barn loft and makes him
touch the small coffin.
Pulling Doodle up to his feet repeatedly, the narrator eventually discovers Doodle
can stand on his own legs for a brief moment.
Throughout the summer, the two boys work diligently to improve Doodle‘s other
skills.
Appositives:
The scarlet ibis, a tropical bird from South America, perches in the top branch of the
bleeding tree.
Modifiers:
Tired and frightened, Doodle hurries to escape the impending storm.
Another strategy for promoting flow and readability in writing is sentence combining.
Combining short sentences into longer, more fluid, sentences adds variety to your style.
Example:
Combined:
Example:
Combined:
Doodle knows he has failed. Doodle is watching his brother for a sign of
mercy.
Doodle knows he has failed, but he is watching his brother for a sign of
mercy.
The cruel streak in Doodle‘s brother awakens. He runs from Doodle as
fast as he can.
When the cruel streak in Doodle‘s brother awakens, he runs from Doodle
as fast as he can.
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REVISING AND EDITING
VOCABULARY SUBSTITUTIONS
Effective word choice is very important in writing. Learn to vary your vocabulary and
search for words with precise meanings. The following are alternatives to words often
overused in essay writing.
Alternatives to says:
acknowledges
acquiesces
adds
addresses
admits
admonishes
advises
advocates
affirms
agrees
alleges
allows
announces
answers
approves
argues
asserts
assents
assumes
assures
attests
avows
babbles
banters
bargains
boasts
claims
complains
confides
contradicts
debates
decides
demurs
denies
denounces
describes
dictates
directs
discloses
divulges
drawls
elaborates
emphasizes
enjoins
entreats
enunciates
estimates
exclaims
explains
exposes
expresses
falters
foretells
fumes
giggles
holds
implies
indicates
infers
instructs
lectures
lies
maintains
mentions
mimics
moans
mumbles
murmurs
muses
mutters
nags
narrates
notes
notifies
objects
observes
orates
petitions
pleads
points out
prays
predicts
proclaims
professes
prompts
propounds
publicizes
quibbles
rants
reassures
reciprocates
refutes
relates
remonstrates
responds
resumes
Notice how all the verbs are in present tense.
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restates
resumes
retorts
returns
reveals
roars
rules
sanctions
scoffs
screams
shrieks
snaps
sneers
sobs
solicits
specifies
speaks
stammers
states
stipulates
storms
stresses
suggests
taunts
thinks
threatens
urges
vows
wails
warns
REVISING AND EDITING
Alternatives to shows or tells:
accounts for
acknowledges
alludes to
answers
argues
arrives at the conclusion
ascertains
confirms
connotes
can construe
conveys
corroborates
declares
can deduce
defines
denotes
describes
details
develops
displays
elucidates
establishes
evinces
exemplifies
exhibits
expounds
illustrates
implies
indicates
infers
informs
can interpret
manifests
proves
refers to
represents
restates
results in
reviews
sheds light
signifies
solves
stands to reason
substantiates
symbolizes
teaches
touches upon
verifies
points to
Notice how the verbs are all in present tense.
Alternatives to very:
bitterly
chiefly
especially
exceedingly
extremely
immeasurably
incredibly
indefinitely
infinitely
intensely
mightily
powerfully
richly
severely
shockingly
slightly
truly
unusually
several
everyone
some
nobody
many
someone
one*
many
no one
most
anybody
somebody
Alternative to you:
each
few
everybody
all
anyone
none
* Be careful with becoming too repetitive with the use of ―one.‖ Be sure to choose other
options from the list provided.
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REVISING AND EDITING
USE OF THIRD PERSON
Pronouns are particularly problematic parts of speech because they change their
forms, depending on the gender and number of their antecedents, as well as on the
function they perform in a sentence. In writing, they offer the point of view of a
specific person.
First Person:
Refers to the one who is speaking.
First person pronouns are as follows:
First person point of view is personal.
I, me, my, mine; we, us, our, ours
Example:
Because my brother often teases me and makes me feel bad, I feel a
great amount of sympathy for Doodle as he copes with his brother‘s
cruelty.
Explanation:
If your teacher were asking you to write a personal reflection about
the story, this point of view would be acceptable. This point of view,
however, does not present an arguable point; how you feel is
completely personal and not subject to debate. Remember that a
literary analysis presents an argument.
Second Person:
Refers to the one being spoken to.
Second person pronouns are as follows:
you, your, yours
Second person is used in speaking, in dialogue, and in giving directions to
indicate the person being directly spoken to.
Example:
Explanation:
In the beginning of the story, you have no idea that the narrator‘s
resentment will cause such a tragic outcome.
Unless you possess some magical way of getting inside your readers‘
minds and understanding how they are thinking, you have no right to
assume that you can speak for them!
Third person:
Third person pronouns are as follows:
he, she, it, him, her, his hers; they,
them, theirs
Third person is objective. It separates the writer, the reader, and the topic.
Third person is a far more effective and persuasive method to express opinions
than the rather limited first person or the very casual second person.
Although advanced and professional writers will occasionally use first person,
developing writers should stay with the third person for their analytical essays.
Example:
Explanation:
In some ways, the special bond that the narrator forms with Doodle
actually makes him feel as if Doodle is more like his personal
possession than his sibling.
This third person statement possesses the authoritative tone of a
general observation. It does not pretend to speak for the reader as
using the second person would nor does it limit itself to only one
singular point of view as first person would.
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REVISING AND EDITING
The following examples might help you to see how much stronger and effective your
opinions sound when they are stated in third person.
Weak Statement:
To me, Doodle and the scarlet ibis are both fragile outsiders who cannot survive in the
environment of everyday life, but I think it is ironic that the real world is weaker when
the two of them die. (first person}
Improved With Third Person:
Doodle and the scarlet ibis are both fragile outsiders who cannot survive in the
environment of everyday life, but ironically, the world is weakened when the two of
them die.
Weak Statement:
Hurst implies that you can sometimes mistreat even people you love if they fail to live
up to your unrealistic expectations. (second person)
Improved With Third Person:
Hurst implies that even noble emotions such as love can have negative effects when a
loved one fails to live up to unrealistic expectations.
Weak Statement:
You can understand the narrator‘s frustration at having to take his weak brother with
him everywhere he goes. (second person)
Improved With Third Person:
The narrator is frustrated at having to take his weak brother with him everywhere.
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REVISING AND EDITING
PITFALLS TO AVOID IN AN ANALYTICAL ESSAY
Avoid beginning sentences with and, but, so, however (these usually join two
sentences).
Avoid using the word it with any frequency.
Avoid overusing the same vocabulary words.
Avoid using any slang or vulgarity.
Avoid using numerals or abbreviations (spell out numbers under 100).
Avoid using first person: I, me, my, myself, we, us, our, ourselves.
(Perhaps the only place you could use ―we,‖ ―us,‖ or ―our‖ is in the conclusion if
you are making a universal statement. But use it sparingly!)
Avoid using second person: you, your, you‘re, yours.
Avoid writing one-sentence paragraphs.
Avoid using contractions (don‘t, can‘t, won‘t).
Avoid using the word etc.
Avoid using the following words which are inappropriate for an analytical essay:
fun
a lot
and then
bad
big
‗cause
‗cuz
dumb
every
get
good
got
guys
hard
just
kids
lots
nice
pretty
real
rough
‗til
neat
cute
okay
sort of
kind of
great
thing
pretty good
Avoid using the following phrases:
These words. . .
This sentence. . .
This example. . .
This quotation/quote. . .
This essay. . .
I think. . .
I feel. . .
I will prove that. . .
In my opinion. . .
This paper. . .
Avoid beginning sentences with there is, there are, this is, that is, it is.
Make sure you do:
Underline or italicize titles of novels and plays.
Put titles of poems and short stories in quotes (― ‖).
Spell correctly the author‘s name, title of the literary work and characters‘ names.
Do not refer to the author on a first-name basis.
Keep your writing clear of grammatical errors such as subject/verb agreement,
punctuation, pronoun agreement, usage, sentence structure, and commonly
confused words such as affect/effect.
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REVISING AND EDITING
DICTION AND TONE
Always remember to consider your audience, or reader. For the sake of clarity and
comprehension, avoid language that is either too formal or too informal. Languages
that is too formal seems impressive but contains big, abstract words and complex
sentences which too often create distance between writer and reader. On the other
hand, language that is too informal often contains slang, nonstandard English, and
cliché, resulting in an immature style and disrespectful tone.
Instead, try a balance between respectful prose and natural, simple language. Here are
a few ideas to help you:
Make sure that your sentences are clearly and directly stated.
Respect words by making every one count. Make precise word choices and
eliminate unnecessary words and phrases from your writing.
Use words for their specific connotations, force, shades of meaning, and
even sound.
Avoid abstract or ambiguous words.
Choose a word that is familiar and natural over one that is stuffy and
pretentious.
When you use a thesaurus, always select a word you already know, for
words can have different meanings in different contexts.
Avoid clichés. Try to make your writing fresh by creating your own
images or figurative language.
Avoid slang and colloquial language.
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REVISING AND EDITING
PRESENTATION GUIDELINES
Final Draft Essays
Use white paper only
Double-space the entire essay (do not triple space between paragraphs unless your
teacher has instructed you to use block style)
Select a simple print font, such as Times New Roman (no italics or script)
Use 10 or 12 font size, depending on font style
Indent new paragraphs
Observe standard 1‖ margins
Staple your essay together, including a title page (see page 7)
Avoid covers or folders
Avoid pictures, decorations, or clip art
Place all prewriting materials and rough drafts behind the final draft (if asked to
submit them)
In-Class Essays/ On-Demand Writings
Use blue or black ink only
Use white college-ruled lined paper (no spiral bound paper)
Write only on the front side of the paper if the paper is thin
Write legibly and neatly
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REVISING AND EDITING
PLAGIARISM
Often it seems that students and their teachers have opposing aims: students want to
get their assignments done with minimum time and effort for the maximum grade;
teachers want students to expend maximum effort even if the assignment isn‘t graded.
Teachers know from experience that learning takes great time and effort. There
simply is no getting around it: learning is hard work. Yes, we have heard all the
arguments: you have so many classes, so many assignments in all of them, you have to
get into a good college – no matter what – in order to be successful or save the world.
It‘s the no matter what that bothers us. We all want you to be successful – without
damaging your integrity or compromising your learning. You do both each time you
buy a paper online, ―borrow‖ someone else‘s work, or copy criticism found with
online search engines or even at the library. You become less of the person you can be
and lose a learning opportunity each time you cheat.
This problem of writer integrity is known as plagiarism, the act of using someone
else‘s ideas or writing without acknowledging the source, and therefore passing it off
as your own. Think of it as a form of literary theft.
You are plagiarizing if you do not acknowledge the source when you do any of the
following:
use the written material word-for-word
paraphrase by following the general sentence structure of the
written material while substituting some of your own words,
phrases, or even sentences
use information that is not considered general knowledge
Avoid plagiarism by doing the following:
document your source material AND
quote it appropriately OR
paraphrase large passages of information by reducing them to just
the main ideas
Penalties for plagiarism:
Plagiarism not only erodes your integrity and undermines the learning process, but
also destroys the trust your teacher has in you, making all the work you have done for
your essay suspect. Plagiarism is a serious violation and will result in a ZERO, as
well as referral to both the disciplinary file and to the Academic Honesty file. A
second offense in any class may result in an F grade in the class.
Colleges may expel a student for a single instance of plagiarism. It is a serious offense.
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