wEird
Harmony
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CHARACTERS:
Sally: A young girl, twenties, awkward looking. She has trouble saying her “S’s”
Eddie: Trying to find a perfect match on a dating site. Young good looking,
twenties.
Catilyn Fisher: A beautiful young girl in her twenties. Could be a model.
Waiter
Time: Present (Length of play running time: 8 minutes)
.
Setting: An elegant five star restaurant with a table and a bar.
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AT RISE: A young woman, Sally sits at a table downstage center by herself in an
elegant fancy restaurant. Classical music can be heard playing softly throughout
the scene. Sally is dressed in a very tight dress that went out of fashion about forty
years ago and wears combat boots. She has her hair pulled back and two pigtails.
She wears big glasses and has a huge white head pimple on her humongous
forehead. It’s obvious she is waiting for someone. She continues to look around the
room in search of that person. She awkwardly slurps her water and chews her ice
very obnoxiously, but not on purpose. On the table in front of her is a platter of
vegetables and ranch dressing. She picks up a piece of celery and again making a
lot of noise eats obnoxiously getting more on the table then in her mouth. She
continues to eat the vegetables waiting for the person that supposed to meet her.
Another woman, Catilyn, sits at the bar on the right side of the stage staring at
Sally, studying her eating the vegetables. She is drop dead gorgeous with a killer
body. She drinks a martini and is wearing a very skimpy red dress that doesn’t
cover much and leaves very little to the imagination. A waiter comes over to the
table.
Waiter
More… vegetables? (He is disgusted at the mess that Sally has made at the table
with the vegetables.)
Sally
(Spitting and yelling as she speaks.) No thankth! (thanks). I’m juth (just) waiting
for thomeone (someone)! (The waiter leaves disgusted. A man, good looking,
dressed up in a suit and tie enters. He crosses in to the table and stares at the
picture in his hand, looks at Sally who waves at him and then looks at Caitlyn at
the bar who he addresses.)
Eddie
Sally? (Caitlyn crosses past Eddie and smiles at him with a definite “Nope.” And
hands him her martini glass and exits. Eddie confused, looks at the picture and then
looks at Caitlyn walking off.)
Sally
I’m Thally! (Sally) (Eddie looks at Sally horrified, ready to puke.)
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Eddie
Son of a bitch…cat fished!
Sally
Thit (Sit)down I’ve been waiting for you. (She moves his chair out with her foot
and she falls to the floor in the process. Eddie goes over and helps Sally up off the
floor. He keeps trying to help her back to her seat but she keeps falling, banging
her head on the table, and spilling her water and vegetables. She is finally
seated.)Thankth (Thanks).
Eddie
Look, I think I must have the wrong person. The person I’m supposed to meet is
the woman in this picture? (He shows her the picture.)
Sally
No thatth (that’s) me. My name is Thally (Sally) and I can’t that my th’s (s’s) and I
drool a lot. I’m a thcorpian. My noth (nose) is plugged, that’s why I talk like thith
(this). When I thniffle (sniffle), I can clear my noth (nose), but when I thwallow
(swallows) I thwallaw a lot of thnot. Do you ever do that? I mean thatth (that’s) a
lot of thnot (snot)! I have a huge pimple on my forehead thatth (that’s) ready to
pop. I can’t pop it becauth (because) it hurtth (hurts) too much when I try to do it.
Will you pop it for me?
Eddie
I’d rather not…. (Sally gets up and puts Eddie’s hands on her forehead as Eddie
reluctantly tries to pop the pimple. As he tries, Sally wrestles around knocking
items off the table and makes whale sounds. He is unsuccessful gives up after three
long attempts as they both go and sit down.)
Sally
THIT (SHIT)! (She pouts) It’th (It’s) one hell of a pimple ithn’t (isn’t) it? I had it
for twenty yearth (years). I have a worth one on my ath (ass).
Eddie
Look I need to get home...my kids need me.
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Sally
Your profile thaid (said) you had no kids. (She goes back to eating celery.)
Eddie.
Yeah…..um I need to go because I just remembered I have a Karate lesson.
Sally
Like thith (this)? (Sally gets up and starts doing Karate in the restaurant and Karate
chops Eddie in the throat. Eddie gasps for air, drinking water and coughing as
Sally sits back down.)I haven’t bruthed (brushed) my teeth in twenty yearth
(years). Some people thay (say) I have gingivitith (gingivitis). Do you think I have
gingivitith (gingivitis)? (She gets up and shows her teeth to Eddie very close to his
face, Eddie throws up his water and tries to control becoming sick from what he
just saw.) Do you think I thpit (spit) a lot when I talk? (She spits tremendously
during this dialogue which sprays Eddie in the face) People thay (say) I thpit (spit)
when I talk. I don’t think I thpit (spit) when I talk. Do you think I thpit (spit) when
I talk? (Eddie watches Sally in shock as he quietly tries to make up wild excuses of
why he has to leave while she continues to talk. The crazier the excuse the better
with an opportunity for the actor to improv lines.) I on the (once) had a cat when I
was little but my fat dad that (sat) on it and thquashed (squashed) it flat ath (as) a
pancake. The cath (cats) name was Tabby but after my fat dad that (sat) on it we
just called it Pancake. My fat dad ate the cat because he thought it was a Pancake.
Do you like pancaketh (pancakes)? I like pancaketh (pancakes) with lotth (lots) of
thyrup (syrup) and butter. I use bread inthtead (instead) and thop (sop) up the
thyrup (syrup) with the bread. Do you like my dreth (dress)? People thay (say) it
doethn’t (doesn’t) match my combat booth (boots) (She shows him the boots.) I’ve
been practicing my th’th (s’s) today! Lithten (listen)! Thally (Sally) thold (sold)
theathells (seashells) by the thea (sea) thore (thore). (She gets up from the table
and bows)Thank you, Thank you very much! (She sits back down) Here’th
(Here’s) another! Thomeone (Someone) thank (sank) the thubmarine (submarine)
with thix (six) theamen (seamen). (She gets up from the table and bows again then
sits back down.) Thank you, thank you very much. Here’th (Here’s) another. Kith
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(Kiss) my ath (ass) you thorry (sorry) thon (son) of a bitch! (She gets up from table
and bows again then sits back down.) Thank you very much. (She lunges for Eddie
and grabs him close almost pulling him onto the table.) I would like to kith (kiss)
you now. Kith (Kiss) you good and thtrong (strong) with my tongue inthide
(inside) of your mouth. (She goes to kiss Eddie who fights her off.) Don’t fight it!
Thally (Sally) will get angry.
Eddie
Look I’m not feeling good…um…I need to go home. (Holds his stomach making
fake moaning sounds.)
Sally
What are you lactothe (lactose) intolerant?
Eddie
YES….YES I AM. I am lactose intolerant. So I can’t have any dairy.
Sally
Better stay away from that butter milk Ranch drething (dressing). (Right as she
says Ranch dressing, Eddie picks up the Ranch and downs the whole craft getting
it all over his face.) DAMN-YOU REALLY LIKE RANCH DRETHING
(DRESSING)! (She snorts and laughs.)
Eddie
Oh dear did you say that was RANCH dressing? Oh God. (He holds his stomach in
pain.)
Sally
Want thome (some) veggieth (veggies)? (She takes her celery and takes some
Ranch off his face and eats it)
Waiter enters.
Waiter
Are you two ready to order?
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Sally
(Yelling in the Waiters ear.) HE’S LACTOTHE (LACTOSE) INTOLERANT AND
HE JUTH (JUST) ATE A BUNCH OF RANCH DRETHING (DRESSING)!
Eddie
I don’t think I’m going to make it to the bathroom!
Waiter
(The Waiter panics.) Oh sir… YOU MUST! (Eddie holds his bottom trying to hold
it in while the waiter tries to grab Eddie under the arms dragging him away from
the table to the bathroom as Sally claps and continues to eat celery. The Waiter and
Eddie struggle all over each other and then them both stop abruptly. There is a long
pause.)
Eddie
Too late! (The waiter runs off ready to throw up holding his hands in front of him
as though he just touched the plague.)
Sally
(Eddie goes running off and exits but Sally gets up and catches him, holding him in
her arms) Okay I underthtand (understand) I am not your type. You may leave
now, but know thith (this)! I love you! Parting ith (is) thuch (such) thweet (sweet)
thorrow (sorrow). (She gives him a big kiss with her tongue which he doesn’t
reciprocate. She drops him.) Tho (So) long thweet (sweet) heart. (He starts to exit
and she slaps him in the ass) Nice ath (ass)! (He leaves. Catilyn re-enters.)
Catilyn
(She hands Sally a wad of cash) Thank you! (Sally smiles as she exits.)
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Sally
(Watching the real Sally leave) Thank YOU, Thally! (Sally) Nice ath (ass). (The
waiter comes back in.) How much thelery (celery) can I buy with thith (this) thexy
(sexy)? (She holds the money in front of the waiter and winks at him eating a piece
of celery in the most obnoxious way and moves her dress up exposing her leg to
the waiter. The waiter looks disgusted as the lights black out as the play ends.)
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