By Jeff Fluharty
© Copyright 2012, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.
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HYDRANGEA ALBRIGHT: TRAGEDY OR COMEDY?
By JEFF FLUHARTY
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(Please refer to “Flexible Casting” notes at end of playbook)
# of lines
PRIMARY CHARACTERS
(appear in four or more scenes)
JANITOR ...................................keeps order in the theater
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT .................sees life as a tragedy
HYDRANGEA ALBRIGHT..............girl whose family is cursed
with bad luck
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT ..............sees life as a comedy
HARLEY THE FOURTH ................Hydrangea’s blindly optimistic
father
VANESSA ALBRIGHT ..................Hydrangea’s mother; optimistic
with a need for speed
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98
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SECONDARY CHARACTERS
(appear in less than four scenes)
HARLEY THE FIRST ....................brilliant architect and kind man;
5
Hydrangea’s great-great-grandfather
NEWSPAPER SELLER .................spreads the news of important
3
events
HARLEY THE SECOND ................selfish, greedy and irresponsible 7
MINISTER .................................presides over the Albrights’
4
wedding
GUEST #1.................................wedding guest
5
GUEST #2.................................another
5
CHEF ........................................baker of the wedding cake
2
DRUMMER ................................dysfunctional wedding band
4
member
GUITAR PLAYER .........................another
3
BASS PLAYER............................another
2
FISHING KID #1 ........................vacationer at Reflection Lake
2
FISHING KID #2 ........................another
2
REPORTER ................................Hopeville TV reporter
6
MRS. BLYTHE ............................Hydrangea’s favorite teacher;
6
radiant and positive
CLASSMATE #1 .........................student in Mrs. Blythe’s class
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CLASSMATE #2 .........................another
4
CLASSMATE #3 .........................another; a.k.a. Glorpinheimer
4
PRINCIPAL PERIWINKLE .............principal at Hydrangea’s school 14
MS. SLURRY .............................mean substitute teacher who
19
does not like her job
SECRETARY ..............................works at Expect the Unexpected 4
Insurance Co.
MR. WELLINGTON .....................Harley’s boss at Expect the
3
Unexpected Insurance Company
POLICE OFFICER ........................guards the old courthouse
2
MRS. HENDERSON ....................older neighbor of Harley and
2
Vanessa
MRS. WHITE .............................school librarian; old and very
23
wise
FARMER....................................character in Mrs. White’s story
7
FARMER’S SON .........................another
3
NEIGHBOR ................................another
4
KNIGHT ....................................another
1
CRIMINAL #1 ............................jewel thief
2
CRIMINAL #2 ............................another
2
VOLUNTEER ..............................soup kitchen helper
4
PERSON AT SOUP KITCHEN ........poor person in need of a meal
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SETTING
Time: Early 1900s to present day.
Place: Various locations in Hydrangea’s hometown of Hopeville.
The play is performed on a bare stage with minimal props brought on to
suggest many locations in Hopeville. The backdrop for the play is large,
painted comedy and tragedy masks. A bench is DOWN LEFT where the
playwrights write and narrate the story through the entire play.
SYNOPSIS OF SCENES
Prologue: Oops! There’s a Play
A stage in a theater, present day
Scene One: The Curse
Hopeville, early 1900s
Scene Two: Love at First Crash
Hopeville School football field and the wedding of Vanessa and
Harley Albright the Fourth, 15 or 20 years ago.
Scene Three: Hydrangea Is Born
Around Hopeville, from Hydrangea’s birth through her early
childhood
Scene Four: A Cursed Family
The Albright’s house, present day
Scene Five: Good-bye, Mrs. Blythe. Hello, Misery
Hopeville School, present day
Scene Six: Insurance Salesman Blues
Expect the Unexpected Insurance Company and outside Hopeville
Courthouse, present day
Scene Seven: Crazy Parents
The Albright’s house and the streets of Hopeville, present day
Scene Eight: Wisdom in the Library
Hopeville School library, present day
Scene Nine: The Jewel
Hopeville School, present day
Scene Ten: How Do You Break a Curse?
Hopeville School library and downtown Hopeville, present day
Epilogue: The Power of the Pen
The Albright’s house, present day
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HYDRANGEA ALBRIGHT: TRAGEDY OR COMEDY?
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PROLOGUE
Oops! There’s a Play
AT RISE: A stage in a theater, present day. The stage is empty except
for a small bench DOWN LEFT that will remain there for the entire play.
JANITOR ENTERS, sweeping the floor and listening to headphones.
While working her way to CENTER, JANITOR sings and dances to the
music, unaware of the AUDIENCE. After several rock-star-like moves,
JANITOR notices the AUDIENCE.
JANITOR: (Embarrassed.) Whoa! Hi. I didn’t know anyone was here.
(Nervous and a little defensive.) There’s not a play scheduled… is
there? (Looks at AUDIENCE.) Yes?! Wait. I’ll be right back. (Runs OFF
and comes back ON with a clipboard.) Let’s see. (Looks at pages on
the clipboard.) I told you, there’s nothing scheduled. Oops, no, the
story of Hydrangea Albright is scheduled for right now. We have a
little problem. That play hasn’t been written yet. Please be patient.
I hope I can get the theater manager on the phone. (Takes out a
cell phone and dials.) Hello, Mr. Sullivan. It’s the janitor from the
theater. You need to send a playwright down here right away. The
audience is here, and there’s no script! (Pauses.) Okay. Thank you,
sir. (Hangs up. To AUDIENCE.) He says he will get a playwright in a
few minutes. (Waits.) I’m sure it won’t be long now. (Waits.) So…
how about those Yankees? (Waits.) Does anyone know any jokes?
No? Okay. (Pauses.) I’m just a janitor, but you know, I always wanted
to be in a play. (Acts with the broom. In a grand, Shakespearean
voice.) To sweep or not to sweep? That is the question. Whether
’tis nobler to do thy work or to entertain thee with my talents—
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: (ENTERS, startling JANITOR.) What are you
doing? I was told you need a playwright.
JANITOR: Oh, I’m so glad to see you, sir. (Extends her hand.)
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: (Ignores her.) Of course you are. (Motions to
AUDIENCE.) Everyone is. For I am only the greatest living writer on
this continent or any other continent, for that matter. This theater
commissioned me to write a play. Do you have the notes?
JANITOR: Yes. The notes for the play are right here. (Hands TRAGIC
PLAYWRIGHT the notes from the clipboard.) It’s the story of a young
girl named Hydrangea Albright. Her family is cursed with bad luck.
You can take it in any direction you want.
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: Hydrangea Albright. Hmmm. (Paces while
thinking, pompous.) I see this story as a tragedy. It’s a sad, sad
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tale of missed opportunity and hopelessness. It is as sad as life
itself. It is sadder than a new day without the sun.
JANITOR: (To AUDIENCE.) Wow, this guy’s quite the downer.
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: It’s sadder than a puppy no one wants in the
window at the pound. It’s sadder than… (Notices JANITOR.) I do
believe it is now time for you to leave.
JANITOR: Yes, sir. Good luck with the play, sir. (EXITS.)
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: Writing has nothing to do with luck. It’s all about
talent. It’s about capturing the disappointment of life in words. Let
us begin. (Clears throat.) The story of Hydrangea Albright is one
of tragedy and misfortune. (HYDRANGEA ENTERS and crosses to
CENTER.) Young Hydrangea was a plain girl, an ordinary girl, with
extraordinary bad luck. (Motions to HYDRANGEA.) Look at this sad
girl’s face. It is filled with despair. (HYDRANGEA makes a sad face.)
Her agonizing years of existence represented one failure after
another. But it was not Hydrangea’s fault. It was her destiny. For
bad luck was in this poor girl’s blood. Her life was—
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: (ENTERS from the BACK OF THE AUDITORIUM
as if she is entering a party without a care in the world. She is
eccentric, loud and fun.) Okay! I’m here. So sorry I’m late, but
don’t I look fabulous? (Looks at AUDIENCE.) Hey, great crowd. (To
AUDIENCE.) Have you heard the one about the duck and the pizza?
No? Oh, you are going to love this one. Well, there’s this duck, and
he walks into a restaurant and—
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: Excuse me! I’m the playwright, and I am in the
middle of telling the tragic story of Hydrangea Albright.
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: That’s funny, because I, too, am a playwright,
and I was hired by this theater to write a play about Hydrangea
Albright. It looks like they double-booked. (Smiles and pats TRAGIC
PLAYWRIGHT on the back as if they are old friends.) Maybe we
could work together on this one.
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: (Greatly offended.) Preposterous! I only work
alone.
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: Let me see the notes. (Takes the notes
and looks them over while thinking.) Okay. Hydrangea Albright.
Hmmm… I see it as a comedy.
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: Ridiculous! It’s a tragedy.
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: No, this is definitely a comedy. (Crosses to
HYDRANGEA.) It’s the uplifting and sometimes funny tale of an
optimistic girl who learns to makes the best of every situation.
(Molds HYDRANGEA into a more confident pose and her face into
a smile.)
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TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: Give me those notes back. (Reaches for the
notes, but COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT pulls them back. Face to face.)
You have no business destroying my… (Grabs notes.) …brilliant
tragedy. Remove yourself from this stage! (Points OFFSTAGE.)
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: I will not. (Takes the notes back.) And, by
the way, it’s a comedy. (TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT lunges for notes.
PLAYWRIGHTS wrestle for control of the notes.)
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: It’s a tragedy!
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: It’s a comedy!
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: Tragedy!
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: Comedy!
JANITOR: (ENTERS and breaks up the fight by forcing them apart with
her broom.) Stop that! Bad writers! Bad writers! Now, I think you
two are going to have to work together on this one. You are both
being paid to tell the story of Hydrangea Albright. So start telling it!
(Scowls at both PLAYWRIGHTS.) And don’t make me come back out
here with the broom. (Shoots one more intimidating look at them.)
Do you understand? (They nod. JANITOR EXITS. Each PLAYWRIGHT
ends up with some of the notes. They each take out pens and
begin to work on their scripts as they make their way to the bench,
DOWN LEFT. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK. [NOTE: PLAYWRIGHTS remain
ONSTAGE through the entire play.])
End of Prologue
Scene One
The Curse
LIGHTS UP: While COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT and TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT
work on their scripts, a blanket and a large, comfortable chair of the
early 1900s are brought ON. As PLAYWRIGHTS tell the story, the
events are acted out onstage.
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: I still see it as a comedy.
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: No, it’s not! Watch and learn from a master
writer. (Clears his throat and begins to tell story.) As I was saying,
bad luck was in Hydrangea’s blood. Blood that flowed back four
generations to her great-great-grandfather, Harley Albright the first.
(HARLEY THE FIRST ENTERS as HYDRANGEA EXITS.)
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: Who was an incredible architect and noble
man.
NEWSPAPER SELLER: (ENTERS with a satchel of newspapers. Holds a
newspaper in the air while yelling.) Extra, extra! Read all about it!
Harley Albright tops list of America’s premier architects of 1923!
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Mayor commissions Albright to design the new courthouse and
the Hopeville School.
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT:
Not only were his architectural
accomplishments in Hopeville, but around the world as well.
Harley designed buildings for kings and emperors, and he had
a reputation for being a kind and honest man. His work made
him rich, and often, Harley received valuable gifts for his amazing
designs, including the famed Jewel of Anastasia.
NEWSPAPER SELLER: Extra, extra! Read all about it! Harley Albright
does it again! Builds architectural wonder for Queen! Albright
receives Jewel of Anastasia as gesture of Her Majesty’s extreme
gratitude. Mysterious jewel is estimated to be worth millions and
has magical powers. (EXITS.)
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: Yes, the power to put a curse on someone
such as one’s son and his descendants.
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: Why would Harley put a curse on his own
family?
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: Before you rush to judgment, you should meet
Harley’s son, Harley Albright the Second.
HARLEY THE SECOND: (ENTERS. Demanding and obnoxious.) Father,
I need more money.
HARLEY THE FIRST: Son, I’ve been giving you money year after year.
You’re a grown man. It’s time that you get a job.
HARLEY THE SECOND: Why? You have plenty of money. I’ll just spend
more of yours.
HARLEY THE FIRST: (Shakes his head in disappointment.) My son, I’ve
arranged for you to help me design buildings or to go to the college
of your choice. I want you to reach your potential. It’s the 1920s,
and there are opportunities all around us.
HARLEY THE SECOND: I don’t need a job, because I’m your only
offspring. Dad, you’re pretty old. It’s only a matter of time before
your fortune is my fortune.
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: Harley gave his son many chances—
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: But he was always disappointed. His son was
a mean and selfish person.
HARLEY THE SECOND: Woo-hoo! Party at Dad’s place! Free food and
free drinks at the mansion of the famous Harley Albright the First.
This party’s going to be awesome! Woo-hoo! (EXITS. HARLEY THE
FIRST sits in a chair and pulls blanket over himself.)
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: At the end of the elder Harley’s life, he lay sick
and dying.
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COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: He was hoping that his son would come and
care for him.
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: Tragically, he did not.
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: Harley the First deeply desired to see some
goodness in his son.
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: But there wasn’t any goodness in the younger
Harley. The father had much wealth, but great sadness because
of his son.
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: Finally, when the end was near, his son
visited him.
HARLEY THE SECOND: (ENTERS.) Father, I’m here for my inheritance.
HARLEY THE FIRST: (Weak.) Son, you have disappointed me greatly.
(Coughs.) It is because of your selfish and greedy behavior that I
have left all of my fortune, all of my wealth, every last penny to…
(Pause.) …charity.
HARLEY THE SECOND: What?!
HARLEY THE FIRST: (Takes out the Jewel of Anastasia and rubs it while
looking at HARLEY THE SECOND.) To teach you a lesson that will
hopefully bring our family a little happiness someday, I will use the
power of the Jewel of Anastasia to curse you and our descendants
to a life of misfortune and bad luck until you learn to be kind.
HARLEY THE SECOND: Thanks a lot, Dad. You’re just a cruel, old man.
(EXITS. HARLEY THE FIRST watches him go, then suddenly falls off
the chair and dies.)
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: Poor Harley the First died. His son had broken
his heart.
NEWSPAPER SELLER: (ENTERS.) Extra, extra! Read all about it!
Famous architect Harley Albright dies and donates entire fortune
to charity! Son receives nothing! Jewel of Anastasia unaccounted
for! (EXITS.)
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: Thus, the curse began. It haunted poor Harley
the Second throughout his entire unlucky and miserable life.
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: Except for one bright spot. Harley the
Second did have a son, Harley the Third. (Looks for actor to come
in. Projects voice into one of the WINGS of the stage.) I said, “He did
have a son, Harley the Third.”
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: Who had such an unlucky life that we don’t
even have an actor to play his part. All we need to know is that
the curse flowed through him and was alive and strong in each
succeeding generation of Albrights, who all seemed to be cursed
with bad luck worse than the last. (PLAYWRIGHTS work on their
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scripts. JANITOR ENTERS, clears the chair and assists or drags
HARLEY THE FIRST OFF. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)
End of Scene One
Scene Two
Love at First Crash
LIGHTS UP: The Hopeville School football game and Albright wedding
ceremony, about 16 years ago.
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: I must say, it’s not always clear if luck is
bad or good.
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: It’s clearly bad luck whenever it has to do with
an Albright.
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: I disagree. Look at how Hydrangea’s father
and mother met. Hydrangea’s parents met in high school. Harley
Albright the Fourth was the second-string kick returner for the
Hopeville School football team. (HARLEY THE FOURTH ENTERS
jogs around and does various football poses.) Vanessa Albright,
Vanessa Martin at the time, was a tuba player in the school
marching band. (VANESSA ENTERS with a tuba. [See PRODUCTION
NOTES.]) Hopeville was winning by five points with only two seconds
left in the game. All Hopeville had to do was successfully catch the
kickoff, and they would win the game.
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: But the hometown crowd became as concerned
as a turkey in November when Harley the Fourth was put in the
game for the final play.
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: (HARLEY THE FOURTH looks up and watches
as if a football were flying through the air.) As the ball sailed through
the air, Harley the Fourth prepared to catch it. The band began to
play a victory song, and Vanessa was about to play her tuba solo.
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: But just then, the skies opened up and it
started to pour rain. (SOUND EFFECT: HEAVY RAIN.) The football
was wobbling in the air like a fighter plane that had been hit.
(HARLEY THE FOURTH tries desperately to track the ball.)
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: Harley was determined to catch it.
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: But Mother Nature was about to further
intervene in Harley’s attempt at glory. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning
hit Vanessa’s tuba… (SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER.) …causing her
to aimlessly stumble towards the field. (VANESSA moves towards
HARLEY THE FOURTH in slow motion.) At the same moment, the flash
from the lightning temporarily blinded Harley just as the football
hit his hands. (A football is tossed IN to HARLEY THE FOURTH from
OFFSTAGE. He drops it.) He fumbled the kick, and his momentum
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hurled him towards the sidelines. (HARLEY THE FOURTH moves
towards VANESSA in slow motion.) Instantly, Vanessa and Harley
met in a crash. (VANESSA and HARLEY THE FOURTH run into each
other and fall to the ground. SOUND EFFECT: CRASH.) Giving one
another a few bruised ribs, a black eye, two chipped teeth and a
slight concussion. The first thing Harley saw when he lifted his
head was the other team scoring the winning touchdown.
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: The next thing Harley saw was true love.
(HARLEY THE FOURTH and VANESSA slowly start to get up.)
HARLEY THE FOURTH: Wow, what happened?
VANESSA: I don’t know. Are you okay?
HARLEY THE FOURTH: I think so. (Looks at VANESSA.) Wow, you’re
cute.
VANESSA: (Bashful.) Thanks. (HARLEY THE FOURTH stands, then
extends his hand and helps VANESSA up.) You’re not so bad
yourself.
HARLEY THE FOURTH: My name’s Harley.
VANESSA: I’m Vanessa.
HARLEY THE FOURTH: Sorry about your tuba, Vanessa.
VANESSA: (While they both struggle with the tuba.) That’s okay, I’d
really rather play something a little smaller like the triangle or
maybe the harmonica. (They give up on the tuba and EXIT, limping
and holding hands.)
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: Yes, fumbles, lightning and minor wounds at
first look bad, but as a result of this incident, Vanessa and Harley
met, fell in love and were eventually married. (Smiles.)
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: But, of course, an Albright wedding is not an
occasion for celebration. A helmet would be more appropriate
than a tie.
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: It was a glorious day for a wedding. As
the guests arrived… (HARLEY THE FOURTH, VANESSA, MINISTER,
GUEST #1 and GUEST #2 ENTER for the wedding ceremony. JANITOR
ENTERS and takes the tuba OFF.)
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: …smoke from a nearby wildfire drifted into the
wedding party. (EVERYONE coughs.)
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: But it soon cleared up, and the sun shone
brightly upon them. (EVERYONE looks up to the sky and smiles.
SOUND EFFECT: WEDDING MUSIC.)
MINISTER: (As WEDDING MUSIC FADES OUT.) We are gathered here
today— (VANESSA hiccups.) —for the wedding of Vanessa Martin
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and Harley Albright the Fourth. A marriage is a contract based on
patience— (VANESSA hiccups. MINISTER looks at VANESSA.)
VANESSA: Sorry.
MINISTER: As I was saying, a marriage is a contract based on
patience— (VANESSA hiccups. MINISTER looks at VANESSA.)
VANESSA: I think I’ve got it under control now.
MINISTER: We’ll try again. A marriage is a contract based on
patience— (VANESSA hiccups. MINISTER loses his patience and
yells.) Woman, would you stop those infernal hiccups?! (VANESSA
is scared into the arms of HARLEY THE FOURTH. MINISTER struggles
to regain composure.) Let’s just skip to the important part. Does
anyone here see any reason why these two should not be married?
If so, speak now or forever hold your peace. (SOUND EFFECT:
RUMBLING EARTHQUAKE. ALL start to vibrate and sway.)
GUEST #1: What’s happening?
GUEST #2: Why is everything shaking?
GUEST #1: Earthquake!
GUEST #2: I think it’s the big one. (EVERYONE eventually falls to the
ground.)
MINISTER: (Raises head up from the ground and shouts.) I now
pronounce you husband and wife. (VANESSA and HARLEY THE
FOURTH hold hands while on the ground.)
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: (Cries.) They look so happy. Weddings always
make me cry.
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: You are a romantic fool. (Shakes his head.)
Shall we continue?
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: Okay. (Wipes her eyes.)
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: Like an uninvited guest in search of free food,
the bad luck followed them to the wedding reception. (ALL stand
and mingle for the wedding reception.)
VANESSA: Everyone warned me about your family’s curse, but I’m so
happy.
HARLEY THE FOURTH: Me, too. (CHEF ENTERS carrying a wedding
cake.)
VANESSA: Look they are bringing out the cake.
GUEST #1: The cake is beautiful!
GUEST #2: It must have taken hours to add such detail.
CHEF: (Suddenly loses balance and sways back and forth as OTHERS
react.) Look out!
GUEST #1: Save the cake!
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GUEST #2: Oh, no! (CHEF falls, and the cake spills on the ground. [See
PRODUCTION NOTES.])
CHEF: Sorry. (HARLEY THE FOURTH sticks his finger in the pile of cake
and tastes it. CHEF picks up the pieces of cake and EXITS.)
HARLEY THE FOURTH: It’s okay. Don’t worry about the cake. These
things happen. (DRUMMER, GUITAR PLAYER and BASS PLAYER
ENTER with their instruments.) Look, here’s the band. Let’s just
dance. (EVERYONE agrees.) Band, please play our song.
DRUMMER: All right. A one, a two, a one, two, three, four. (BAND plays
and EVERYONE dances happily. [NOTE: The music may be a SOUND
EFFECT or played live.] Shortly, GUESTS notice that the BAND is
starting to fight. Eventually, the MUSIC STOPS mid-song.)
GUITAR PLAYER: You are always off one beat! I don’t know why I ever
joined this lousy band.
BASS PLAYER: Not this again. (Shakes his head in frustration.)
DRUMMER: Well, you never let me write any songs.
GUITAR PLAYER: That’s because your songwriting is as bad as your
drumming.
DRUMMER: It’s not as bad as your breath. Ever heard of a toothbrush?
BASS PLAYER: You two are always fighting. Ahhh, I’m done with this
band. (EXITS.)
GUITAR PLAYER: I’m not going to stay if it’s just me and Mr.
Rhythmless. I quit, too. (Storms OFF.)
DRUMMER: (To AUDIENCE.) What’s the point? My mom wanted me to
be a dermatologist anyway. (EXITS.)
GUEST #1: This is the worst wedding I’ve ever been to. (EXITS.)
GUEST #2: No cake. No music. I’m going home. (EXITS. MINISTER
shakes his head and looks at HARLEY THE FOURTH and VANESSA
disappointingly, then EXITS.)
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: The wedding was a disaster, and Vanessa and
Harley were tragically left alone to start their cursed life together.
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: But they really didn’t care about the
earthquake, the dropped cake or the feuding musicians. Vanessa
and Harley were just happy to be married, and they would dance
together with or without music. (VANESSA and HARLEY THE
FOURTH joyously dance their way OFFSTAGE, even though no music
is playing.)
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: (Protests.) Oh, come on! You call yourself a
writer? (Mocking.) “They would dance together with or without
music.” I just might vomit right here on this very stage. (Shakes
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his head.) Let us move to the birth of Hydrangea. (PLAYWRIGHTS
work on their scripts. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)
End of Scene Two
Scene Three
Hydrangea Is Born
LIGHTS UP: Around Hopeville, during Hydrangea’s first eight years.
Four fishing poles are hidden on the edge of stage (can be placed
before beginning of play). On one side of the stage, two of them have
fish at the end of the line. On the other side of the stage, one has a
bike tire and the other has a boot.
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: Not long after the wedding, Vanessa and
Harley were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. (VANESSA and
HARLEY THE FOURTH ENTER with a baby [doll]. They are glowing
with happiness.)
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: (Overly dramatic.) And the crying was relentless.
(SOUND EFFECT: CRYING BABY. HARLEY THE FOURTH and VANESSA
try to console their baby. They look incredibly stressed.) Sleepless
nights. Never-ending, ear-piercing crying. Diapers everywhere.
Spit-up on the floor. Crying, crying and more crying. It was truly the
worst of times.
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: Are you finished?
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: The crying. Oh, the crying. So, so much crying.
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: (Holds up a hand and the CRYING STOPS.
HARLEY THE FOURTH and VANESSA look at ease.) Let’s see…
HARLEY THE FOURTH: She’s beautiful. What should we name her?
VANESSA: How about Hydrangea?
HARLEY THE FOURTH: Perfect.
VANESSA: Our precious little Hydrangea.
HARLEY THE FOURTH: The string of Harleys is broken. I see great
things in little Hydrangea’s future.
VANESSA: Yes, nothing but good luck and fortune for our little flower.
(HARLEY THE FOURTH and VANESSA EXIT.)
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: Now, the Albright’s were a happy family of
three—
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: But there was a dark cloud over this family.
A cloud as dark as a black jelly bean dropped in fresh tar.
Hydrangea’s early years showed the strength of her great-greatgrandfather’s curse. Harley and Vanessa Albright had hoped that
the curse would not continue with Hydrangea, but it did. (HARLEY
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THE FOURTH, VANESSA and a young looking HYDRANGEA ENTER.
VANESSA carries a puppy.)
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: When she was five years old, Hydrangea
received a puppy. (VANESSA gives the puppy to HYDRANGEA. [NOTE:
Puppy is attached to fishing line that the AUDIENCE cannot see. The
other end of line extends OFFSTAGE.])
HYDRANGEA: Wow! A puppy! This is the greatest! I’ll name him Lucky.
(Sets the puppy down and pets him.)
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: But Lucky tragically ran away and was never
seen again. (Puppy is pulled OFFSTAGE. ALBRIGHTS sadly watch the
puppy run away.)
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: There was that wonderful, summer fishing
trip at Reflection Lake. (HYDRANGEA and HARLEY THE FOURTH
take the preset fishing poles and sit on the edge of the stage, fishing.
VANESSA watches from a distance. FISHING KIDS ENTER and take
the other two fishing poles. They are fishing on the opposite side of
the stage.)
HYDRANGEA: It looks like those people over there are catching lots
of fish.
FISHING KID #1: I caught another one! (Reels in a fish.)
FISHING KID #2: That’s the eighth fish we’ve caught today.
FISHING KID #1: This lake has the best fishing.
FISHING KID #2: I know. It’s like the fish want to be caught. You just
put your line in, and before you know it, there’s a fish on your line.
(Catches a fish and high-fives FISHING KID #1.)
HARLEY THE FOURTH: Don’t worry, we’ll catch— (HARLEY’S fishing
pole starts to move.) Whoa! I think I’ve got one! (Reels in a boot.
Smiles proudly.) Look.
HYDRANGEA: (Disappointed.) Dad, it’s a boot.
HARLEY THE FOURTH: But it’s a nice boot. Maybe we can catch
another one, and we’ll have a pair. Or maybe we’ll catch some
socks. (HYDRANGEA’S fishing pole starts to move.) Oh, look, I think
you have one!
HYDRANGEA: It feels like a big one! Look… (Reels in a bike tire.) Dad,
my fish looks an awful lot like a tire.
HARLEY THE FOURTH: I think we’ll just order take-out for dinner from
Freddy’s Fish Shack. (FISHING KIDS EXIT with their poles. HARLEY
THE FOURTH and HYDRANGEA quickly set their poles OFFSTAGE.)
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: It’s so sad when a father takes his child fishing
and only catches junk. Of course, they also caught strep throat
(ALBRIGHTS cough.) and a wicked case of poison ivy (ALBRIGHTS
itch.) and—
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End of Script Sample
PRODUCTION NOTES
PROPERTIES ONSTAGE
Prologue: Small bench (remains onstage for the entire play).
Scene One: Albright the First’s living room set—large, comfortable
chair.
Scene Two: None.
Scene Three: Two fishing poles with fish on the end of the line, one
fishing pole with a bike tire at the end of the line, one fishing pole
with a boot at the end of the line.
Scene Four: Albright the Fourth’s kitchen set—table, three chairs and
a kitchen cart. On table are table settings for three, cereal box,
towel, bowl of scrambled eggs, pepper container, TV remote.
Scene Five: Classroom set—four classroom chairs.
Scene Six: Office set—small desk or table, phone, chair.
Scene Seven: Albright the Fourth’s kitchen set. Book labeled Blues for
Idiots, photo album, steering wheel.
Scene Eight: School library set—library cart with books.
Scene Nine: Classroom set. Planter box with flowers and a hidden box
with large jewel in it (placed during mid-scene set change)
Scene Ten: School library set.
Epilogue: Albright the Fourth’s living room set.—large, comfortable
chair.
PROPERTIES BROUGHT ON
Prologue:
Broom, headphones, clipboard with multiples sheets of paper, cell
phone (JANITOR)
Pen (TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT, COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT)
Scene One:
Pen, play notes (PLAYWRIGHTS)
Newspaper satchel, old-fashioned newspaper (NEWSPAPER
SELLER)
Jewel of Anastasia (HARLEY THE FIRST)
Scene Two:
Pen, play notes (PLAYWRIGHTS)
Tuba (VANESSA)
Football (From OFFSTAGE)
Wedding cake (CHEF)
Guitar (GUITAR PLAYER)
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Bass (BASS PLAYER)
Drum or tambourine (DRUMMER)
Scene Three:
Pen, play notes (PLAYWRIGHTS)
Baby doll, [stuffed animal] puppy with fishing line attached
(VANESSA)
Beach ball (HYDRANGEA)
Christmas hats, wrapped gifts (VANESSA, HARLEY THE FOURTH)
Scene Four:
Pen, play notes (PLAYWRIGHTS)
Briefcase with papers inside (HARLEY THE FOURTH)
Microphone (REPORTER)
Scene Five:
Pen, play notes (PLAYWRIGHTS)
Cash (CLASSMATE #3)
Coffee mug (MS. SLURRY)
Scene Six:
Pen, play notes (PLAYWRIGHTS)
Tree branch (VANESSA)
Briefcase (HARLEY THE FOURTH)
Scene Seven:
Pen, play notes (PLAYWRIGHTS)
Guitar (HARLEY THE FOURTH)
Cane (MRS. HENDERSON)
Scene Eight:
Pen, play notes (PLAYWRIGHTS)
Notebook, pen (HYDRANGEA)
Books (MRS. WHITE)
Microphone (REPORTER)
Walking stick (FARMER’S SON)
Scene Nine:
Pen, play notes (PLAYWRIGHTS)
Coffee mug (MS. SLURRY)
Notebook, small garden shovel (HYDRANGEA)
Two glasses partially filled with water (JANITOR)
Scene Ten:
Pen, play notes (PLAYWRIGHTS)
Box with large jewel (HYDRANGEA)
Donation bucket, bell (VOLUNTEER)
Baby doll (MRS. BLYTHE)
Epilogue:
Pen, play notes (PLAYWRIGHTS)
TV remote (HYDRANGEA)
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Guitar (HARLEY THE FOURTH)
Microphone (REPORTER)
Food tray (PERSON AT SOUP KITCHEN)
Steering wheel (VANESSA)
Broom (JANITOR)
NOTE ON MULTIPLE USES FOR SET
The same table can be used for the Albright’s kitchen and the secretary’s
desk. The same chairs can be used in the classroom, the Albrights’
kitchen, the secretary’s desk and Vanessa’s car. The comfortable chair
in Scene One can be reused in the Epilogue.
SCENE CHANGES
Scene changes should move quickly so that the action resumes as
quickly as possible. Blackouts are included to assist with set change
needs, but are completely optional. The minimal sets may be easily
changed by JANITOR and other characters to move the play along as
quickly as possible.
NOTE ON BACKDROP
The backdrop for the play is large comedy and tragedy masks. If
possible they should be hung, leaving space behind them and touching
the stage. This will provide space to hide some of the props during the
play and help move the action quickly.
NOTE ON WEDDING CAKE
The wedding cake brought on in Scene Two can be made out of
cardboard or foam. Do not attach the layers of cake to each other.
That way, when the cake is dropped, it breaks apart. If you would like
to have a little piece of edible cake so that HARLEY THE FOURTH can
taste it, you can put a cupcake in the top layer.
NOTE ON TUBA
If a tuba is not available, any large or extremely small instrument that
can bring humor to the scene is acceptable.
NOTE ON HARLEY THE FOURTH’S BLUES SONG
No musical ability is necessary. HARLEY THE FOURTH lacks talent but
sings (and plays) with a lot of passion. Actor should awkwardly belt out
the song and strum a basic blues chord.
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SOUND EFFECTS
Heavy rain, thunder, tuba crash, wedding music, rumbling earthquake,
band dance music, crying baby, space station crash, jingle bells, phone
ring, engine starting, speeding car, car crash, school bell, criminal or
spy music, upbeat dance music.
Optional sound or visual effect for snow falling.
FLEXIBLE CASTING
The roles of HYDRANGEA, HARLEY (FIRST, SECOND AND FOURTH),
VANESSA ALBRIGHT, MRS. BLYTHE, PRINCIPAL PERIWINKLE and MS.
SLURRY require a specific gender. The remainder of the cast may be
played male or female as needed. Though some of these roles, such
as JANITOR and PLAYWRIGHTS, are written as male or female, they
may be changed to suit your particular casting needs with simple
changes of the name and associated pronouns.
The role of Hydrangea can be split between two actresses, one playing
the younger Hydrangea in Scene Three and the other playing the older
in the Prologue and Scenes Four through the Epilogue.
Obviously, many of the secondary roles can be doubled. The play could
be performed with as few as 12 actors, with six players performing
several roles and changing costumes extremely quickly. A cast
minimum of 16 is more realistic. For further guidance on the play’s
extensive doubling possibilities, please see the character/scene
breakdown in the director’s book.
COSTUME SUGGESTIONS
Costumes are readily evident with the following details for some:
TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT wears a black collared shirt and black pants.
Has an artsy flair with a negative outlook on life.
HYDRANGEA ALBRIGHT wears typical, modern-day kid’s clothing.
Possibly a simple change in clothing or hairstyle from young Hydrangea
to teenage Hydrangea to start Scene Four. She also wears a watch. At
the end of Scene Three, she has small red stickers all over her skin to
indicate chicken pox.
COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT wears colorful, eccentric attire. Possibly a
brightly colored dress or blouse with a feather boa. This costume
should exude a positive outlook on life.
HARLEY THE FIRST wears nice clothing with an early 1900s look.
Possibly glasses and grey hair.
NEWSPAPER SELLER wears hat and attire of an early 1900s paperboy.
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HARLEY THE SECOND wears clothing from the early 1900s. Has a
slightly rebellious look to him.
HARLEY THE FOURTH wears contemporary adult clothing. Slightly
disheveled and eccentric in his choices. Wears a Hopeville football
jersey for the football game, and a coat and tie for the wedding. Both
events happen in Scene Two and will require a quick change.
VANESSA ALBRIGHT wears contemporary adult clothing which should
be fun and a little eccentric. For the wedding, add a tiara.
DRUMMER, GUITAR PLAYER and BASS PLAYER wear collared shirts
and ties. Possibly matching outfits.
MRS. BLYTHE wears a brightly-colored dress. She is nicely dressed
with a cheery feel to her.
MS. SLURRY wears a dark-colored dress. She is nicely dressed with
an evil edge to her.
MRS. HENDERSON wears a bathrobe and glasses. Possibly curlers in
hair or a shower cap. She uses a walking cane.
FARMER, FARMER’S SON and NEIGHBOR wear fairytale clothing, such
as knickers (or rolled up pants), tall white socks and puffy, light colored
shirts.
CRIMINALS wear all black including black stocking hats, gloves.
VOLUNTEER wears contemporary clothing with a hat and/or shirt that
bears the “Hopeville Soup Kitchen” name on it. Can add a cafeteria
worker hairnet or apron, if desired, for Epilogue.
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