1
The story of Oedi pus t he King, a play w ritten by Sophocles is really amazing. This
su ffering from a t ru ely nast y plagu e. People are su ffering and dying , so Creon goes and
asks Apollo how Oedi pus can save t he cit y. Apollo says t hey have to find and pu nish t he
is a profit. This profit tells Oedi pus t hat he¢s t he mu rderer----- he says t hat Oedi pus killed
King Laius.
details provided in the paragraph do not introduce any main idea.
2 The lack of a main idea results in a lapse into unfocused summary, instead
of purposeful elaboration.
T R A N S PA R E N C Y
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1 The opening sentence does not provide a thesis statement or main idea. The
MODEL
person w ho killed t he last king. Then Oedi pus send for an old man t hat everybody t hinks
2
STUDENT
play has a lot of foreshadowing in it. Here¢s w hat happens, Oedi pus is king and his cit y is
F O R U S E W I T H E X P O S I T O R Y L I T E R A R Y E S S AY: S C O R E O F 2 ( PA G E 2 1 )
Grade 10
MAIN IDEA
Sophocles gives lots of clu es to show t hat Oedi pus must be t he real
was not only t he king of The bes----- t he place Oedi pus is now king of. The gu y was also t he
fat her of Oedi pus. Cou ld anyt hing be worse t han killing you r own fat her? Bu t t hat isn¢t all.
After Laius died, after Oedi pus killed him, he married his widow Jocasta. Du ring t he play
summary and unrelated to any main idea.
T R A N S PA R E N C Y
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1 The supporting details are sparse and without purpose. They are mere plot
MODEL
Oedi pus learns t hat Jocasta is actu ally his mot her.
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STUDENT
killer. All t his is bad bu t it actu ally gets worse. It tu rns ou t t hat t he gu y Oedi pus killed
F O R U S E W I T H E X P O S I T O R Y L I T E R A R Y E S S AY: S C O R E O F 2 ( PA G E 2 1 )
Grade 10
SUPPORTING DETAILS
1
. . . W hen Oedi pus was you ng, Apollo told him t hat he wou ld kill his fat her
and t he people he t hought were his parents. It sou nded li ke a good plan for escaping his
fate, right? Bu t it didn¢t work. The people he stayed away from weren¢t his natu ral parents.
t hey heard he wou ld kill t hem. Bu t you can¢t escape you r fate in t his play-t hat seems to
be t he main idea. Oedi pus su re cou ldn¢t escape his.
of this paragraph has no relation to the opening paragraph.
2 The lack of a solid topic sentence results in poor organization of the
paragraph. Its purpose is unclear.
T R A N S PA R E N C Y
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1 There is no logical development from beginning to end. The topic sentence
2
MODEL
They just adopted him w hen he was a baby w hen his real parents got rid of him, because
STUDENT
and marry his mot her. This seemed so horrable t hat Oedi pus ran away from his home cit y,
F O R U S E W I T H E X P O S I T O R Y L I T E R A R Y E S S AY: S C O R E O F 2 ( PA G E 2 1 )
Grade 10
ORGANIZATION
1 As I said, everybody is looking for t he mu rderer because t he god Apollo says t he
eit her killed or sent away from t he cit y. So as time goes on Oedi pus does realize t hat he
did commit t he mu rder. Sophocles gives lots of clu es to show t hat Oedi pus must be t he real
2
2 “So” is a misleading transition. The next sentence continues the plot summary.
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in the composition.
T R A N S PA R E N C Y
1 No effective relationships between causes and effects are clearly established
MODEL
killer.
STUDENT
aw fu l plagu e will continu e in t he cit y w hich is The bes, u ntil t he killer is hu nted down and
F O R U S E W I T H E X P O S I T O R Y L I T E R A R Y E S S AY: S C O R E O F 2 ( PA G E 2 1 )
Grade 10
COHERENCE
1 Sophocles does a great deal of foreshadowing in his play Oedi pus t he King. The use
to come.
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2 The main idea is not sufficiently introduced or well-defined.
T R A N S PA R E N C Y
main idea.
MODEL
1 The opening paragraph is sparse; there is not enough detail leading to the
2
STUDENT
of t his literary device creates suspense and also helps prepare t he reader for w hat is
F O R U S E W I T H E X P O S I T O R Y L I T E R A R Y E S S AY: S C O R E O F 4 ( PA G E S 2 2 – 2 3 )
Grade 10
MAIN IDEA
One instance of foreshadowing occu rs w hen Creon, brot her-in- law of King Oedi pus,
is t hat t he plagu e will continu e u ntil a long- ago mu rder is avenged t hrough t he killing or
t he banishment of t he mu rderer. The person w ho was mu rdered was Laius, w ho was king of 1
banished. At t he conclusion of t he play, t he mu rderer has been discovered and is abou t to
be taken from t he cit y. This occu rs just as it was foreshadowed. The use of
creates suspense----- t he reader wonders w ho t he mu rderer might be, and w het her t hat
1 The lack of a main idea has reduced the details to plot summary.
2 The writer attempts to connect the plot details to the main idea.
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person will be fou nd and pu nished. 2
T R A N S PA R E N C Y
foreshadowing prepares t he reader for t his event. This instance of foreshadowing also
MODEL
The bes just before Oedi pus. Oedi pus declares t hat t he guilt y person must be fou nd and
STUDENT
retu rns to t he plagu e-st ricken cit y of The bes wit h a message from Apollo. The message
F O R U S E W I T H E X P O S I T O R Y L I T E R A R Y E S S AY: S C O R E O F 4 ( PA G E S 2 2 – 2 3 )
Grade 10
SUPPORTING DETAILS
. . . Bu t as Ti resias foreshadowed at t he beginning of t he play,
is foreshadowed at t he start of t he play, along wit h t he fact t hat Oedi pus is t he
mu rderer w ho must be discovered and eit her killed or banished from The bes.
As you can see, foreshadowing is a very important literary techniqu e in Oedi pus t he
King. Wit hou t foreshadowing, t he play wou ld be much less suspensefu l. 2
2 The conclusion reached in the final sentence is sparse, and it barely
addresses the ideas developed in the essay.
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preceding line of thought.
T R A N S PA R E N C Y
1 The beginning of this conclusion is ineffective and unrelated to the
MODEL
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STUDENT
Oedi pus cannot escape his fate. This seems to be t he main t heme of t he play. This t heme
F O R U S E W I T H E X P O S I T O R Y L I T E R A R Y E S S AY: S C O R E O F 4 ( PA G E S 2 2 – 2 3 )
Grade 10
ORGANIZATION
1 W ho is t he mu rderer? Sophocles uses foreshadowing to suggest w ho it might be, bu t
foreshadowing occu rs w hen Oedi pus sends for t he blind prophet Ti resias. This prophet is
an old man w ho, against his will, reveals t hat Oedi pus himself is t he one w ho mu rdered Laius.
blindness and t hreatens him. Thus, Oedi pus can sometimes be cru el and a bu lly----- he isn¢t
always a wise and caring ru ler. This example of foreshadowing heightens t he dramatic
2 This sentence has a misleading transition and is irrelevant in the paragraph.
The sentence makes the writing seem incoherent.
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1 An answer to the initial question would make the paragraph more coherent.
T R A N S PA R E N C Y
tension of t he work. 2
MODEL
Oedi pus reacts to t he accusations wit h rage and scorn. He even makes fu n of Ti resias¢s
STUDENT
t he reader has to keep reading to find ou t if t his person is t he mu rderer or not. This
F O R U S E W I T H E X P O S I T O R Y L I T E R A R Y E S S AY: S C O R E O F 4 ( PA G E S 2 2 – 2 3 )
Grade 10
COHERENCE
1 Foreshadowing is an important techniqu e t hat can help u nify a literary work. In t he
The early instances of foreshadowing help determine t he t heme and t he st ructu re of
t he plot. Ot her instances of foreshadowing t hroughou t t he play help to build suspense 2
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2 The opening paragraph is well-stated and elaborates upon the main idea.
T R A N S PA R E N C Y
1 The writer clearly introduces the topic and states the main idea of the essay.
MODEL
and prepare t he reader for events to come.
STUDENT
Greek drama Oedi pus t he King, Sophocles uses foreshadowing to hint at coming events.
F O R U S E W I T H E X P O S I T O R Y L I T E R A R Y E S S AY: S C O R E O F 6 ( PA G E S 2 4 – 2 5 )
Grade 10
MAIN IDEA
1
Anot her example of foreshadowing occu rs w hen Oedi pus su mmons t he blind prophet
shocked and enraged by Ti resias¢s accusation, and he t hreatens and reviles t he old man.
Ti resias insists t hat he is telling t he t ru t h, however, and warns Oedi pus t hat soon he will
ancient detective story, in w hich Oedi pus examines witnesses and follows clu es to
determine t he t ru t h.
main idea.
2 The writer compares the plot to a detective story. This comparison is an
effective explanatory detail.
T R A N S PA R E N C Y
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1 The purpose of the elaboration is explained, and it clearly supports the
2
MODEL
learn t he horrifying facts abou t his marriage. The enti re play t han becomes a sort of
STUDENT
Ti resias and forces him to identify t he mu rderer of Laius: it is Oedi pus himself. Oedi pus is
F O R U S E W I T H E X P O S I T O R Y L I T E R A R Y E S S AY: S C O R E O F 6 ( PA G E S 2 4 – 2 5 )
Grade 10
SUPPORTING DETAILS
1 Thus, foreshadowing is critical in t his Greek drama. It helps to u nify t he work and
reader for fu tu re events, and highlights t he play¢s cent ral t heme.
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2 The conclusion unifies the essay.
T R A N S PA R E N C Y
in a logical way.
MODEL
1 The beginning of the paragraph is focused and refers back to the main idea
2
STUDENT
heightens its dramatic tension. Foreshadowing also provides a plot line, prepares t he
F O R U S E W I T H E X P O S I T O R Y L I T E R A R Y E S S AY: S C O R E O F 6 ( PA G E S 2 4 – 2 5 )
Grade 10
ORGANIZATION
1 In addition to advancing and u nifying t he plot, foreshadowing highlights t he cent ral
early in t he play, w hen Ti resias tells Oedi pus t hat he cannot escape his fate. As t he play
progresses, t he reader learns abou t events t hat prove Ti resias is correct.
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2 The writer logically traces incidents in the play to support the main idea.
T R A N S PA R E N C Y
paragraph.
MODEL
1 This transitional phrase purposefully connects the paragraph to the previous
2
STUDENT
t heme of t he play: t he impossi bilit y of avoiding one¢s fate. This t heme is foreshadowed
F O R U S E W I T H E X P O S I T O R Y L I T E R A R Y E S S AY: S C O R E O F 6 ( PA G E S 2 4 – 2 5 )
Grade 10
COHERENCE
1 Why is it that in a presidential election, only slightly more than half of all eligible
2 The writer states the main idea by offering a clear argument.
T R A N S PA R E N C Y
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provocative question.
MODEL
1 The writer introduces the topic of the essay and the main idea by asking a
STUDENT
voters in the United States actually go to the polls on election day? This record of poor
turnout does not indicate that large numbers of Americans do not support their system
of government; in fact, public opinion surveys indicate that the opposite is true. In my
opinion, many Americans do not vote because they believe their vote is unimportant. 2
F O R U S E W I T H E X P O S I T O R Y C A U S E A N D E F F E C T: S C O R E O F 6 ( PA G E S 4 2 – 4 3 )
Grade 10
MAIN IDEA
T R A N S PA R E N C Y
2 The writer provides a visual image of political advertising.
MODEL
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1 The response provides specific, relevant details to support ideas.
STUDENT
. . . the prevailing idea being that a person who could not hold a
marriage together could not hold a nation together. Although most Americans no
longer hold such views, political campaigns, and the media who cover them, are still
paying too much attention to private rather than public lives. Political advertisements 1
that contain soft music, scenes of domestic bliss, and homespun slogans, are designed to
enhance a candidate’s image as someone who is “just like us.” However, most voters
know that many candidates backgrounds do not match these images. Therefore, many people
2
become discouraged about getting any real information on real issues. What difference
does it make if a candidate has cute children or wears flannel shirts?
F O R U S E W I T H E X P O S I T O R Y C A U S E A N D E F F E C T: S C O R E O F 6 ( PA G E S 4 2 – 4 3 )
Grade 10
SUPPORTING DETAILS
T R A N S PA R E N C Y
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writer introduces a clear organizational pattern for the entire essay.
MODEL
1 By stating the two supporting reasons at the end of the first paragraph, the
STUDENT
In my opinion, many Americans do not vote because they believe their vote is unimportant.
Two causes seem the most likely reasons for voter apathy: (1) many people feel
1
overwhelmed by big, impersonal government, and (2) many have become cynical
about personality-focused, rather than issue-focused, politics.
F O R U S E W I T H E X P O S I T O R Y C A U S E A N D E F F E C T: S C O R E O F 6 ( PA G E S 4 2 – 4 3 )
Grade 10
ORGANIZATION
details to the main idea.
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2 The writer uses focused and clearly stated sentences that connect the
T R A N S PA R E N C Y
argument fully.
MODEL
1 The writer uses transitions that move smoothly, illustrating a previous
STUDENT
They prefer to remain silent rather than speak and be ignored. In addition, 1
the complexity of government itself and of its electoral system discourages people from
2
understanding the difference their votes might make, especially at a national level.
Small wonder, then, that these people see no purpose in casting their ballots.
F O R U S E W I T H E X P O S I T O R Y C A U S E A N D E F F E C T: S C O R E O F 6 ( PA G E S 4 2 – 4 3 )
Grade 10
COHERENCE
Serving as a class officer is a one- person task; however, getting elected takes some
disast rous, bu t t he second was much more successfu l.
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T R A N S PA R E N C Y
directly to the prompt.
MODEL
1 The writer clearly states the main idea of the essay. The main idea relates
1
STUDENT
help. I learned t hat lesson over t he cou rse of t wo election campaigns----- t he fi rst one was
F O R U S E W I T H P E R S O N A L N A R R AT I V E E S S AY: S C O R E O F 6 ( PA G E S 5 3 – 5 4 )
Grade 10
MAIN IDEA
The night before t he sign- u p deadline, my older sister, Gabriela, came into my room.
“No, you certainly did not,” I responded.
1
“I am not. One hu miliating defeat is enough.”
main idea. The details of the dialogue sufficiently explain its purpose.
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1 The writer incorporates an interesting narrative to develop and support the
T R A N S PA R E N C Y
“ Yes, you are. I signed you u p.”
MODEL
“ You¢re ru nning, t hough,” she annou nced cheerily.
STUDENT
“I didn¢t see you r name on t he tent h-grade slate,” she said.
F O R U S E W I T H P E R S O N A L N A R R AT I V E E S S AY: S C O R E O F 6 ( PA G E S 5 3 – 5 4 )
Grade 10
SUPPORTING DETAILS
You¢ve probably gu essed by now t hat I won t he election. W hat did I learn from t his
ou r goals, we sometimes need t he help of ot hers. I am working hard to be a great class
t reasu rer. I know, however, t hat I never cou ld have won t he election wit hou t t he help of my
the essay.
satisfying close.
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2 The final sentence refers to the introduction and brings the essay to a
T R A N S PA R E N C Y
1 In the final paragraph, the writer logically summarizes the main points of
MODEL
sister, w ho u nselfishly devoted her time and her talents to helping me reach my goal. 2
1
STUDENT
experience? I learned t hat alt hough we must take individu al responsi bilit y for reaching
F O R U S E W I T H P E R S O N A L N A R R AT I V E E S S AY: S C O R E O F 6 ( PA G E S 5 3 – 5 4 )
Grade 10
ORGANIZATION
1 The next t hing I knew, Gabriela was sitting at t he compu ter, creating a snappy
campaign bu tton. Luckily, Dad had given her a w hole box of bu ttons left over from a
convention. Here was her plan: she wou ld create t he bu tton design on t he compu ter, and
2
stick t hem onto t he bu ttons. Just li ke t hat, I wou ld have my own custom campaign
bu ttons!
narrative.
2 The writer uses smooth transitional words to construct a coherent narrative
and explain its purpose.
T R A N S PA R E N C Y
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1 The writer uses a clear sequence of events to illustrate the action in the
MODEL
t hen print ou t t he design on large adhesive labels. Finally, we¢d cu t ou t t he designs and
STUDENT
design for a campaign flyer. W hen she was finished wit h t he flyer, she started to design a
F O R U S E W I T H P E R S O N A L N A R R AT I V E E S S AY: S C O R E O F 6 ( PA G E S 5 3 – 5 4 )
Grade 10
COHERENCE
Grade 10
MAIN IDEA
1 Safe roads are everyone¢s concern, and I dou bt t hat anyone wou ld oppose
adu lt driver accompanies t hem du ring daylight hou rs. However, as a you ng driver, I must
portion of t he popu lation for u nusu ally harsh pu nishment. Second, t he bill will make it
difficu lt or even impossi ble for many students to hold part-time jobs and partici pate in
2 The writer clearly states a position on the issue and introduces support
for this position.
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1 The writer effectively introduces the topic of the essay.
T R A N S PA R E N C Y
ext racu rricu lar activities.
2
MODEL
u rge you to vote against t his bill for t wo reasons. Fi rst, t he bill prejudicially targets one
STUDENT
admi rable: to keep you ng offending drivers off t he roads after dark and to ensu re t hat an
F O R U S E W I T H P E R S U A S I V E E S S AY: S C O R E O F 6 ( PA G E S 6 4 – 6 5 )
reasonable measu res to enhance t raffic safet y. Thus, t he motivation behind Bill 347. 9 is
Grade 10
SUPPORTING DETAILS
drivers ever gain t he experience and judgment t hey need if t hey aren¢t allowed to drive by
t hemselves? If Mom or Dad is always in t he car, playing t he role of “back-seat-driver,” how
exist to rest rict, suspend, or revoke t he license of any driverw ho is t ru ly reckless or a
t hreatto pu blic safet y, regardless of his or her age. Let¢s enforce t he laws t hat already
u nder t he age of eighteen---- such laws are simply not fai r.
2 The writer addresses the audience’s concerns and effectively argues that
another solution is preferable.
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1 The writer asks two rhetorical questions to support the main idea.
T R A N S PA R E N C Y
exist in t he state. Let¢s not start passing new laws t hat discriminate against drivers 2
MODEL
will a you ng person ever learn to fu nction independently ou ton t he road? Laws already
1
STUDENT
drivers, since t hey lack t he experience and judgment of older drivers. Bu t how will you nger
F O R U S E W I T H P E R S U A S I V E E S S AY: S C O R E O F 6 ( PA G E S 6 4 – 6 5 )
Some people will argu e t hat special ru les and rest rictions shou ld apply to you nger
Grade 10
ORGANIZATION
person wit h a rest ricted license cannot drive at all after su ndown. This bill clearly 1
discriminates against t he you ngest drivers; don¢t licensed drivers over t he age of eighteen
licenses. There is no evidence to indicate t hat speeding or ru nning a red light presents a
greater danger to pu blic safet y w hen t he driver is u nder t he age of eighteen. People can
become better drivers once t hey reach t he age of eighteen. Therefore, t hesame ru les
1 The writer introduces and then develops the primary objection to
Bill 347.9.
2 The essay logically develops a focused argument.
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shou ld apply to drivers of all ages.
T R A N S PA R E N C Y
be safe drivers or reckless ones, regardless of t hei r age; t hey don¢t au tomatically
2
MODEL
also commit moving violations? Yet no one is suggesting t hat t hey be issu ed rest ricted
STUDENT
accompanied by an adu lt licensed driver. Fu rt hermore, t he proposed bill states a you ng
F O R U S E W I T H P E R S U A S I V E E S S AY: S C O R E O F 6 ( PA G E S 6 4 – 6 5 )
The holder of a rest ricted license wou ld be allowed to drive only w hen
Grade 10
COHERENCE
ride, or use pu blic t ransportation. In situ ations in w hich t hese options do not exist, or are
not considered safe, many students will be forced to quit t hei r jobs. Similar problems arise
lessons, sports team practices, and games.
2 The writer uses repetition to argue that the restrictions would cause
multiple, unnecessary difficulties.
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the two parts of the sentence. It shows how the ideas in each part are
related.
T R A N S PA R E N C Y
1 The transition “thus” points out the cause and effect relationship between
2
MODEL
w hen students are u nable to drive to and from ext racu rricu lar activities, such as music
STUDENT
anyone wit h a rest ricted license cannot hold a job, u nless he or she can walk to work, get a
F O R U S E W I T H P E R S U A S I V E E S S AY: S C O R E O F 6 ( PA G E S 6 4 – 6 5 )
Many parents are not available to drive students to and from work; t hus, 1