Name:_________________________________
Cast No.:________
Patrol:___________
CENTRAL COAST
GANGSHOW
2000
s
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
Act 1
Page Rh. Bl
A
A
B
B
B
B
C
C
C
D
D
Item
No.
1
2
3
4A
4B
4C
5
6
7
8
9
E
E
E
10
11
12
Item
Your Part
Comedy Tonight
Camping Out
Great Downunder Inn
Lion sleeps tonight
Jungle Love
Jungle Rhythm
Sleeping Bags
Wizard of Oz
Going Down
Tribute to Reader
That's not how you did it
Last time
Gypsy
Mexican Standoff
The Scorceror
Act 2
Page Rh. Bl
F
F
G
G
G
H
H
H
I
I
I
Item
No.
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
Item
Australia
If I were not upon the stage
Order in the court
Footy Time
The Duel
Lighthouse keepers daughter
Trees a crowd
The test
Terrors in the Mall
Singing a Song
Finale
Your Part
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
COMEDY TONIGHT
Stephen Sondheim
A
Introduction/Fanfare
B
Dialogue
Playgoers, I bid you welcome. The Theatre is a temple, and we are here to
worship the gods of comedy and tragedy. Tonight, I am pleased to announce a
comedy. We shall employ every device we know in our desire to divert you.
C
Something familiar,
Something peculiar,
Something for ev'ryone,
A comedy tonight!
Something appealing,
Something appalling,
Something for ev'ryone,
A comedy tonight!
Nothing with kings,
Nothing with crowns,
Bring on the lovers, liars and clowns!
Old situations,
New complications
Nothing portentous or polite;
Open up the curtain, comedy tonight!
D
Something familiar,
Something peculiar,
Something for ev'ryone,
A comedy tonight!
Something appealing,
Something appalling,
Something for ev'ryone,
A comedy tonight!
Nothing with kings,
Nothing with crowns,
Bring on the lovers, liars and clowns!
Old situations,
New complications
Nothing portentous or polite;
Tragedy tomorrow, comedy tonight!
E
Something compulsive,
Something repulsive,
Something for ev'ryone,
A comedy tonight!
Something aesthetic,
Something frenetic,
Something for ev'ryone,
A comedy tonight!
Nothing with Gods,
3
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
Nothing with Fate,
Weighty affairs will just have to wait,
Nothing that's formal,
Nothing that’s normal,
No recitations to recite!
Tragedy tomorrow,
Comedy tonight!!
F
Something familiar,
Something peculiar,
Something for ev'ryone,
A comedy tonight!
Something that's gaudy,
Something that's bawdy,
Something for everybody,
Comedy tonight!
Nothing that's grim,
Nothing that's Greek!
She plays Medea later this week.
Stunning surprises,
Cunning disgiuses,
Hundreds of actors out of sight!
Tragedy tomorrow, comedy tonight!
G
No royal curse,
No trojan horse,
And a happy ending of course!
Goodness and badness,
Man in his madness,
This time it all turns out all right!
Tragedy Tomorrow!
Comedy tonight!
One -- two -- three!!!!
H
Playout
4
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
CAMPING OUT
Central Coast Gangshow
Scene:
Steve is at home packing his bag on stage organising his backpack with all the
things he needs for his little adventure. Steve is reading book.
Steve:
Packing your bag. Pack only what you need, remember, you have to carry it.
(Putting things into the bag and checking off the list)
Greg:
(Enters) Steve, what are you doing with all this stuff?
Steve:
I'm packing my bag to go camping.
Greg:
(Laughing) You're what????????????
Steve:
You heard me.
Greg:
Steve you're 20 years old and you've never been camping before in your life. Plus
the fact that you won't go anywhere unless Jason comes to pick you up in his car
with at least one girl in it. And you want you to go camping??
Steve:
Well, Dads never taken us camping and there's a guy at work who keeps bragging
about the good time he had while he was out camping.
Greg:
So, you want to find out what is so good about it, and you are off to do it by
yourself. (Picks up book) What's this? "Beginners guide to camping"
Steve:
What's wrong with that?
Greg:
Nothing. Well, I'm off to soccer training, don't let the creepy crawlies get ya.
Steve:
The what!!!!! (whispers to himself) Creepy crawlies …
- Steve checks off the rest off the things into his backpack and tries to shut it with things
hanging out in all the wrong places.
- Steve bends over to pick up bag, but it is too heavy.
- Tries again
- Steve kneels down and puts one arm into the arm loop and tries to lift bag, which is still too
heavy
- Kneeling down he puts one leg either side of the backpack and puts both arms into the
loops. He tries to get up, then falls back on the floor again.
- Steve lies down on the backpack puts his arms into the loops and rocks from side to side,
and rolls over onto his stomach. Slowly stands up. Brushes his hands together,and smiles,
then leaves stage
Scene:
-
Outdoors
Steve comes back on stage and retrieves the book from his pocket.
Puts down pack
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Central Coast Gangshow 2000
Steve:
-
(reading from book) Choosing a campsite. Set up camp on level ground and in a
clearing, not under trees (looks around to check for trees) Here is as good a place
as any. Campsite layout. (pointing to book as he reads) Campfire, woodpile,
latrine, tent. Alright, lets get started.
Steve opens his bag and gets out billy and stand to set up fireplace
Steve:
Fireplace. Check.
Goes offstage collects woodpile and puts next to fireplace.
Steve:
-
Woodpile. Check ………. Latrine ……… That tree looks good. Check
-
Returns to bag to get out tent.
Unrolls tent and poles from bag
Looks for instructions
Having no instructions he decides to put up tent anyway
Unrolls tent topside up with door facing backstage
Goes over to bag and empties poles onto floor
Thinking they are separate, he picks up one pole and starts back to tent, only to find they
are all joined together
Tries to shake them loose, but the realises that they are supposed to be linked
-
Steve links up poles in shape of
then puts it on the 2 front loops of the tent.
Holding that pole, tries to get the other pole that is just out of reach
Tries to reach it with his foot, but it is just too far away
He reaches pole, positions pole at back of tent, still holding up other pole
Begins clipping poles to tent, but it does not look right
Steve unclips tent and thinks
He unhooks poles from loops and the poles snap into position in one piece
Steve stands up one pole and it begins to bend

Steve:
-
Hmmmmmmmm…….
Steve tries putting poles in the side loops and bends them into the front and back
Then he clips tent to poles, but it does not work right
Finally the poles are put in the correct opposite corners and the tent is clipped on properly
Tent has put the tent up backward with the door facing the back of the stage
Steve stops to think
He simply spins the tent around to face the audience
Steve stands back to admire the tent, then sits in his camp chair to relax and experience
camping
Greg:
(yells from offstage) Steven, Mum said that dinners almost ready and you have to
stop playing Bush Tucker Man in the back yard and come inside.
Blackout and curtain comes down
6
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
THE GREAT DOWNUNDER INN
By Rob Lang & Doug Simpson
A
Introduction
B
Welcome to our hotel - The great Downunder Inn
The guests come in the front door, and walk right out again.
C
Service is our motto and comfort is our aim
Too bad our reputation, isn't quite the same
Our rates are simply cheaper, than anywhere around
A dollar for the room per night, beats the camping ground.
D
Welcome to our hotel - The great Downunder Inn
The guests come in the front door, and walk right out again.
E
We have a selfserve restaurant, that oo one else can match
Just walk right in the kitchen, the food's right there to catch
The kitchen's full of vermin, the fridge is lined in mould
The food we serve is never ever less than four weeks old.
F
The gym is very basic but on-one seems to care,
You take the pile of luggage and lug it up the stairs
There's fleas in all the blankets there's rats in all the walls
The cockroaches have running races up and down the halls.
G
Welcome to our hotel - The great Downunder Inn
The guests come in the front door, and walk right out again.
H
The wine isn't inexpensive if you are to drink
The house white wine is suitable, for pouring down the sink
The choice of red depends on, just how game you are
It's got a kick that I would rather use to fuel the car.
I
The linen's always spotless, we change it once a week
And if it isn't dirty, we wait until it reeks
The mattresses are saggy, the springs are sprung a tack.
They're guaranteed to spring right up and stick you in the back.
J
Welcome to our hotel - The great Downunder Inn
The guests come in the front door, and walk right out again.
K
Welcome to our hotel - The great Downunder Inn
The guests come in the front door, and walk right out again.
L
Play out
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Central Coast Gangshow 2000
IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE
When the Lion sleeps tonight
Wim - o - weh, o - wim - weh, o - wim - weh - o wim - o - weh
o - wim -o - weh - o - wim - o - weh - o - wim - o - weh - o - wim - o - weh
In the jungle, the mighty jungle
The lion sleeps tonight
In the jungle, the mighty jungle
The lion sleeps tonight
In the village, the peaceful village
The lion sleeps tonight
In the village, the peaceful village
The lion sleeps tonight
Hush, my darling, don't cry my darling
The lion sleeps tonight
Hush, my darling, don't cry my darling
The lion sleeps tonight
8
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
JUNGLE LOVE
Canberra Gangshow Production Team
Lights fade up. Drummers are on stage, Jane is talking on phone.
JANE:
Hello, Tiffany? Hi, it's Jane here. How are you? Mmmmmmmmm….
Mmmmmm.. yes. Oh lovely! Can I put you down for a couple of tickets for the
RSPCJ benefit? Uh huh. Royal society for the promotion of conservation of
jungles, a worthy cause, don't you think? It will be just divine. Thanks again,
must fly darling, Tarzan is taking we away for the weekend and I'm still not
packed. Ciao!
Tarzan enters tree house
TARZAN:
Honey, I'm home!
Jane rushes up to Tarzan , they give each other a kiss on the cheek.
JANE:
How was your day, snookums?
Tarzan flops on the couch, puts his feet up and Jane starts massaging his shoulders.
TARZAN:
It's a jungle out there! Being king of the jungle is hard work! Firstly, I got a little
blister from spending all day on the vine, then the rotting branch of the bank was
closed when I went there at lunch time.
JANE:
Which bank?
TARZAN:
The river bank. And things just went downhill from there. The jaguar broke down
on the way home. You know how temperamental she is. Anyway, she had to
scoff a whole buffalo before she stopped crying. Then I was able to get going.
Thank goodness it's Friday.
Jane sits next to Tarzan.
JANE:
You wouldn't believe what I heard today! Melinda has finally broken it off with
Daryl, Kylie and Rebecca aren't even speaking to each other, and apparently
Simon is up to his old monkey business. But then again he is an Orangutan …..
TARZAN:
Where do you get this gossip?
JANE:
Oh, I heard it through the grape vine.
Jane points to vine, and both giggle.
JANE:
Oh darling, I am so looking forward to our weekend away, I've nearly finished
packing!
Tarzan looks offstage.
TARZAN:
Oh Jane! I was planning on taking the new jaguar, but with all these bags of
9
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
yours we should probably take the elephant. It's got four-foot drive.
JANE:
And so much more room in the trunk. I'm so worn out.
TARZAN:
Why is that, my precious petal?
JANE:
Johann put me through a really hard workout today. But I am really starting to
enjoy the Jungle Gym.
SFX:
Phone ringing.
Tarzan pulls out a banana from his belt
TARZAN:
Excuse me, my angel.
Tarzan answers by peeling a piece of banana skin, SFX stop.
TARZAN:
Hello, Tarzan, King of the jungle. Ahh, George! Great to hear from you! … uh
huh … come over right now if you like. I'm sure Jane would love to meet you!
Yep, first right after the river, you can't miss us, and George, watch out for that
tree.
Tarzan starts eating banana.
JANE:
Who was that darling?
TARZAN:
Oh, I forgot to tell you! I found someone to stand in as King while we're away.
George.
JANE:
George?
TARZAN:
George. George of the jungle.
Drummers stick their heads around trees and sing.
DRUMMERS:George, George, George of the jungle, watch out for that ……..
SFX:
George hollering, hitting tree and sliding down.
DRUMMERS:Tree
JUNGLE RHYTHM
10
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
LAMENT OF THE SLEEPING BAGS
Norm Gilbert
A
Introduction
B
Chorus
We are ageing sleeping bags
We're feeling all forlorn
Our zippers all need mending
And our cloth is getting torn
Our owners don't look after us
They treat us very rough
So you can take our word for it
That times is pretty tough
C
Verse
Goodness me, I don't feel bright
My restless owner tossed all night
I'm bruised and stretched, battered and sore
And tonight I'll be kicked and bashed some more
D
Verse
Last night my bloke laid me out
On prickles sharp, the thoughtless lout
But he jumped madly in the air
When one went in his derriere
E
Chorus
We are ageing sleeping bags
We're feeling all forlorn
Our zippers all need mending
And our cloth is getting torn
Our owners don't look after us
They treat us very rough
So you can take our word for it
That times is pretty tough
F
Verse
The silly scout who sleeps in me
Was lying in and sipping tea
All of a sudden he spilt the lot
And stone the crows - it was hot!
G
Verse
My bloke is big and fat and lazy
And every night he drives me crazy
For he is heavy as can be
And crushes the insides out of me
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Central Coast Gangshow 2000
H
Chorus
We are ageing sleeping bags
We're feeling all forlorn
Our zippers all need mending
And our cloth is getting torn
Our owners don't look after us
They treat us very rough
So you can take our word for it
That times is pretty tough
I
Verse
My little bloke is wee-wee Fred
And every night he wets the bed
I dry out in the day and then
Blow me down I'm wet again
J
Spare a thought for your sleeping bag
He's more than just a hunk of rag
Tucked inside him when cold winds blow
He's the best mate you'll ever know
So though we whinge and groan and moan
About our sorry lot
We will still be dragged out camping
Till our fabric starts to rot
And then on a blazing fire we'll burn
When our sleeping days are done
A sleeping bags lot is certainly not a very happy one
K
Playout
12
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
WIZARD OF OZ
Adapted by Central Coast Gangshow
Scene 1: Barnyard Scene
Dorothy:
Aunt Em, do you know what Miss Gulch said she was going to do to Toto?
She said she was going to -
Aunt Em:
Now, Dorothy, dear, stop imagining things. You always get yourself into a fret
over nothing.
Dorothy:
Well -
Aunt Em:
Now, you just help us out today and find yourself a place where you won't get
into any trouble.(exits)
Dorothy:
Some place where there isn't any trouble. Do you suppose there is such a place,
Toto? There must be. Not a place you can get to by a boat or a train.
It's far, far away - behind the moon - beyond the rain Over The Rainbow
Dorothy:
Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high. There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue. And the dreams that you dare to
dream, really do come true.
Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops, Away above the chimney tops. That's
where you'll find me.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly. Birds fly over the rainbow, Why
then - oh, why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow, Why, oh, why can't I?
Scene 2: Cyclone Scene
Scene 3: Dorothy's Arrival in Oz Scene
Dorothy:
Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore! We must be over the
rainbow! Now I - I know we're not in Kansas!
Glinda:
(Glinda appears OP) Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?
Dorothy:
Who, me! I - I'm not a witch at all. I'm Dorothy Gale, from Kansas.
Glinda:
Oh! Well, is that the Witch?
Dorothy:
Who, Toto? Toto's my dog.
Glinda:
Well, I'm a little muddled. The Munchkins called me because a new witch has
just dropped a house on the Wicked Witch of the East. And there's the house,
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Central Coast Gangshow 2000
and here you are, and that's all that's left of the Wicked Witch of the East. And
so, what the Munchkins want to know is - are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy:
But I've already told you, I'm not a witch at all. Witches are old and ugly.
(Munchkins laugh)What was that?
Glinda:
The Munchkins. They're laughing because I am a witch. I'm Glinda, the Witch of
the North.
Dorothy:
You are! I beg your pardon! But I've never heard of a beautiful witch before.
Glinda:
Only bad witches are ugly. The Munchkins are happy because you have freed
them from the Wicked Witch of the East.
Dorothy:
Oh. But - if you please, what are Munchkins?
Glinda:
The little people who live in this land. It's Munchkinland, and you are their national
heroine, my dear. It's all right - you may all come out and thank her.
Ding Dong! The Witch is Dead!
Ding Dong! The Witch is dead. Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch!
Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead.
Wake up - sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed.
Wake up, the Wicked Witch is dead. She's gone where the goblins go,
Below - below - below. Yo-ho, let's open up and sing and ring the bells out.
Ding Dong' the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low.
Let them know The Wicked Witch is dead!
(Wicked Witch of the West appears)
Dorothy:
I thought you said she was dead.
Glinda:
That was her sister - the Wicked Witch of the East. This is the Wicked Witch of
the West. And she's worse than the other one was.
Wicked Witch:Who killed my sister? Who killed the Witch of the East? Was it you?
Dorothy:
No, no. It was an accident. I didn't mean to kill anybody.
Wicked Witch:Well, my little pretty, I can cause accidents too!
Glinda:
Aren't you forgetting the ruby slippers?
Wicked Witch:The slippers - yes! The slippers! They're gone! The ruby slippers! What have you
done with them? Give them back to me or I'll Glinda:
It's too late! There they are, and there they'll stay!
Dorothy:
Oh!
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Central Coast Gangshow 2000
Wicked Witch:Give me back my slippers! I'm the only one that knows how to use them. They're
of no use to you. Give them back to me. Give them back!
Glinda:
Keep tight inside them. Their magic must be very powerful or she wouldn't want
them so badly.
Wicked Witch:You stay out of this, Glinda, or I'll fix you as well!
Glinda:
Oh, rubbish! You have no power here. Be gone before somebody drops a house
on you, too!
Wicked Witch:Very well, I'll bide my time - and as for you, my fine lady. It's true I can't attend
to you here and now as I'd like, but just try to stay out of my way - just try! I'll
get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
Glinda:
It's all right. You can get up. She's gone. It's all right. You can all get up. I'm
afraid you've made rather a bad enemy of the Wicked Witch of the West. The
sooner you get out of Oz altogether, the safer you'll sleep, my dear.
Dorothy:
Oh, I'd give anything to get of Oz altogether, but - which is the way back to
Kansas? I can't go the way I came.
Glinda:
No, that's true. The only person who might know would be the great and
wonderful Wizard of Oz himself. He lives in the Emerald City and that's a long
journey from here. The Munchkins will see you safely to the border of
Munchkinland. And remember, never let those ruby slippers off your feet for a
moment, or you will be at the mercy of the Wicked Witch of the West.
Dorothy:
But - how do I start for the Emerald City?
Mayor:
First Munchkin:
Second Munchkin:
Third Munchkin:
Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
We're Off To See The Wizard
[Follow the Yellow Brick Road]
Follow the Yellow Brick Road. Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Follow, follow, follow, follow,
Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
You're off to see the Wizard, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.
You'll find he is a whiz of a Wiz! If ever a Wiz! there was.
If ever oh ever a Wiz! there was The Wizard of Oz is one because,
Because, because, because, because, because.Because of the wonderful things he does.
You're off to see the Wizard. The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.
Scene 4: On the Yellow Brick Road
Dorothy meets the Scarecrow
15
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
Dorothy:
Follow the Yellow Brick Road? Follow the Yellow Brick...? Well, now which
way do we go?
Scarecrow:
Pardon me. That is a very nice way.
Dorothy:
Who said that?......Don't be silly, Toto. Scarecrows don't talk.
Scarecrow:
It's pleasant down that way, too.
Dorothy:
That's funny. Wasn't he pointing the other way?
Scarecrow:
Of course, people do go both ways!
Dorothy:
Why - you did say something. didn't you? Are you doing that on purpose, or can't
you make up your mind?
Scarecrow:
That's the trouble. I can't make up my mind. I haven't got a brain, only straw.
Dorothy:
Well, how can you talk if you haven't got a brain?
Scarecrow:
I don't know. But some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, don't
they?
Dorothy:
Yes, I guess you're right.
Scarecrow:
Oh, I'm a failure, because I haven't got a brain!
Dorothy:
Well, what would you do with a brain if you had one?
Scarecrow:
Do? Why, if I had a brain, I could If I Only Had a Brain
I could while away the hours, conferrin' with the flowers Consultin' with the rain.
And my head I'd be scratchin' while my thoughts were busy hatchin' If I only had a brain.
I'd unravel every riddle for any individ'le, In trouble or in pain.
With the thoughts I'll be thinkin' I could be another Lincoln
If I only had a brain. Oh, I could tell you why The ocean's near the shore.
I could think of things I never thunk before. And then I'd sit, and think some more.
I would not be just a nothin' my head all full of stuffin' My heart all full of pain.
I would dance and be merry, life would be a ding-a-derry, If I only had a brain.
Dorothy:
Ohh! Wonderful! Why, if our scarecrow back in Kansas could do that, the
crows'd be scared to pieces!
Scarecrow:
They would?
Dorothy:
Yes
Scarecrow:
Where's Kansas?
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Central Coast Gangshow 2000
Dorothy:
That's where I live. And I want to get back there so badly, I'm going all the way
to the Emerald City to get the Wizard of Oz to help me.
Scarecrow:
You're going to see a Wizard?
Dorothy:
Um-hmm
Scarecrow:
Do you think if I went with you this Wizard would give me some brains?
Dorothy:
I couldn't say. But even if he didn't you'd be no worse off than you are now.
Scarecrow:
Yes, that's true.
Dorothy:
But maybe you'd better not. I've got a Witch mad at me, and you might get into
trouble.
Scarecrow:
Witch? Huh! I'm not afraid of Witch! I'm not afraid of anything - oh, except a
lighted match.
Dorothy:
I don't blame you for that.
Scarecrow:
But I'd face a whole box full of them for the chance of getting some brains. Look
- I won't be any trouble, because I don't eat a thing, and I won't try to manage
things, because I can't think. Won't you take me with you?
Dorothy:
Of course, I will.
Scarecrow:
Hooray! We're off to see a Wizard!
We're Off To See The Wizard
We're off to see the Wizard, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.
You'll find he is a whiz of a Wiz! If ever a Wiz! there was.
If ever oh ever a Wiz! there was The Wizard of Oz is one because,
Because, because, because, because, because. Because of the wonderful things he does.
We're off to see the Wizard. The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.
Scene 5: On the Yellow Brick Road
Dorothy and the Scarecrow meet the Tin Man
Dorothy:
Why, it's a man! A man made out of tin!
Scarecrow:
What?
Dorothy:
Yes, Oh - look!
Tin Man:
Oil can! Oil can!
Dorothy:
Did you say something?
Tin Man:
Oil can!
17
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
Dorothy:
He said Oil can.
Scarecrow:
Oil can what?
Dorothy:
Oil can? Oh!
Tin Man:
Ahhh!
Dorothy:
Here it is! Where do you want oiled first?
Tin Man:
My mouth - my mouth!.
Scarecrow:
He said his mouth! The other side!
Dorothy:
Yes - there.
Tin Man:
Me - e, me - e-, My- mmm-my, my, my, my goodness. I can talk again! Oh - oil
my arms, please - oil my elbows. Oh! Oh! It feels wonderful. I've held that axe up
for ages. Oh!
Dorothy:
Oh, goodness! How did you ever get like this?
Tin Man:
Oh - well, about a year ago, I was chopping that tree when suddenly it
began to rain.
Dorothy:
Oh!
Tin Man:
And right in the middle of a chop, I - I rusted solid. And I've been
that way ever since. Oh.
Dorothy:
Well, you're perfect now.
Tin Man:
My - my neck. My - my neck. Perfect? Oh - bang on my chest if you think I'm
perfect. Go ahead - bang on it!
Scarecrow:
Beautiful! What an echo!
Tin Man:
It's empty. The tinsmith forgot to give me a heart.
Dorothy and Scarecrow:
Tin Man:
No heart!
Dorothy:
Oh.
Tin Man:
All hollow.
No Heart?!
If I Only Had a Heart
When a man's an empty kettle he should be on his mettle, And yet I'm torn apart.
Just because I'm presumin' that I could be kind-a-human, If I only had heart.
I'd be tender - I'd be gentle and awful sentimental Regarding Love and Art.
18
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
I'd be friends with the sparrows ... and the boys who shoots the arrows
If I only had a heart. Picture me - a balcony. Above a voice sings low.
Wherefore art thou, Romeo? I hear a beat.... How sweet.
Just to register emotion, jealousy - devotion, And really feel the part.
I could stay young and chipper and I'd lock it with a zipper, If I only had a heart.
Dorothy:
Oh, dear. That was wonderful! You know, we were just wondering why you
couldn't come with us to the Emerald City to ask the Wizard of Oz for a heart.
Tin Man:
Well, suppose the Wizard wouldn't give me one when we got there?
Dorothy:
Oh, but he will! He must! We've come such a long way already.
Wicked Witch:You call that long? Why, you've just begun. Helping the little lady along, are
you, my fine gentlemen? Well, stay away from her! or I'll stuff a mattress with
you! And you! I'll use you for a bee-hive!
We're Off To See The Wizard
[Follow the Yellow Brick Road]
We're off to see the Wizard, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.
You'll find he is a whiz of a Wiz! If ever a Wiz! there was.
If ever oh ever a Wiz! there was The Wizard of Oz is one because,
Because, because, because, because, because. Because of the wonderful things he does.
We're off to see the Wizard. The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.
Scene 6: On the Yellow Brick Road
Dorothy, the Scarecrow, and the Tin Man meet the Lion
Dorothy:
I don't like this forest! It's - it's dark and creepy!
Scarecrow:
Of course, I don't know, but I think it'll get darker before it gets lighter.
Dorothy:
Do - do you suppose we'll meet any wild animals?
Lion:
Hah! Put 'em up! Put 'em - up! Which one of you first? I'll fight you both
together, if you want. I'll fight ya' with one paw tied behind my back! I'll fight ya'
standin' on one foot! I'll fight ya' with my eyes closed. Oh, pullin' an axe on me,
eh? Sneakin' up on me, eh? Why!
Tin Man:
Here - here. Go away and let us alone.
Lion:
Oh, scared, huh? Afraid, huh? Hah! How long can you stay fresh in that
can? Come on, get up and fight, you shivering junk yard! Put your hands up, you
lop-sided bag of hay!
Scarecrow:
Now that's getting personal, Lion.
Tin Man:
Yes, get up and teach him a lesson.
Scarecrow:
Well, what's wrong with you teachin' him?
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Tin Man:
A - well - well, I hardly know him.
Lion:
Well, I'll get you anyway, Pee Wee.
Dorothy:
Oh! Shame on you!
Lion:
What did you do that for? I didn't bite him.
Dorothy:
No, but you tried to. It's bad enough picking on a straw man, but when you go
around picking on poor little dogs.
Lion:
Well, you didn't have to go and hit me, did you? Is my nose bleedin'?
Dorothy:
Well, of course not. My goodness, what a fuss you're making! Well, naturally
when you go around picking on things weaker than you are - why, you're nothing
but a great big coward!
Lion:
You're right, I am a coward! I haven't any courage at all. I even scare myself.
Look at the circles under my eyes. I haven't slept in weeks.
Tin Man:
Why don't you try counting sheep?
Lion:
That doesn't do any good - I'm afraid of 'em.
Scarecrow:
Oh, that's too bad. Don't you think the Wizard could help him, too?
Dorothy:
I don't see why not. Why don't you come along with us? We're on our way to see
the Wizard now. To get him a heart.
Tin Man:
And him a brain.
Dorothy:
I'm sure he could give you some courage.
Lion:
Well, wouldn't you feel degraded to be seen in the company of a cowardly
lion? I would.
Dorothy:
No, of course not!
Lion:
Gee, that - that's awfully nice of you. My life has been simply unbearable.
Dorothy:
Oh, well, it's all right now. The Wizard'll fix everything.
Lion:
It - it's been in me so long I just gotta tell you how I feel
If I Only Had the Nerve
Yeh, it's sad, believe me, Missy, When you're born to be a sissy Without the vim and verve.
But I could change my habits,never more be scared of rabbits If I only had the nerve.
I'm afraid there's no denyin' I'm just a dandelion, A fate I don't deserve.
But I could show my prowess, be a lion not a mow-ess if I only had the nerve.
Oh, I'd be in my stride, a King down to the core, Oh I'd roar the way I never roared before,
And then I'd rrrwoof, and roar some more
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Central Coast Gangshow 2000
I would show the dinosaurus who's king around the forest, a King they'd better serve,
Why with mt regal beezer I could be another Caesar if I only had the nerve
We're Off To See The Wizard
[Follow the Yellow Brick Road ]
We're off to see the Wizard, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.
You'll find he is a whiz of a Wiz! If ever a Wiz! there was.
If ever oh ever a Wiz! there was The Wizard of Oz is one because,
Because, because, because, because, because. Because of the wonderful things he does.
We're off to see the Wizard. The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.
Wicked Witch:Oh, Curses! Curses! Somebody always helps that girl! But shoes or no shoes, I'm
still great enough to conquer her. And woe to those who try to stop me!
Dorothy:
Come on, let's get out of here. Look - Emerald City is closer and prettier than
ever!
Scene 7: In the Emerald City
The four come before the Wizard!
Lion:
Wait a minute, fellows I was just thinkin' - I really don't want to see the Wizard
this much. I better wait for you outside.
Scarecrow:
What's the matter?
Tin Man:
Oh, he's just scared again.
Dorothy:
Don't you know the Wizard's going to give you some courage?
Lion:
I'd be too scared to ask him for it.
Dorothy:
Oh - well then, we'll ask him for you.
Lion:
I'd sooner wait outside.
Dorothy:
Why? Why?
Lion:
Because I'm still scared!
Dorothy:
Oh, come on.
Lion:
OHHH!
Scarecrow:
What happened!
Lion:
Somebody pulled my tail!
Scarecrow:
Oh, you did it yourself!
Lion:
I - Oh 21
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
Scarecrow:
Here. Come on. (All link arms)
Wizard :
Come forward!
Lion:
Tell me when it's over! Oh, look at that! Look at that! Oh - oohhh - hhhh! I want
to go home!
Wizard:
I am Oz, the Great and Powerful! Who are you? Who are you?
Dorothy:
I - If you please, I - I am Dorothy - the small and meek. We've come to ask you -
Wizard :
Silence!
Dorothy:
Oh! Ohhh - Jimminy Crickets!
Wizard:
The Great an Powerful Oz knows why you have come. Step forward, Tin Man!
Tin Man:
Ohhhhh!
Wizard:
You dare to come to me for a heart, do you? You clinking, clanking, clattering
collection of caliginous junk!
Tin Man
Ohh--yes - yes, sir - Y-Yes, Your Honor. You see, a while back, we were
walking down the Yellow Brick Road, and -
Wizard :
Quiet!
Tin Man:
Ohhhhh!
Wizard:
And you, Scarecrow, have the affrontery to ask for a brain - you billowing bale of
bovine fodder!
Scarecrow:
Y-Yes - Yes, Your Honor - I mean, Your Excellency - I - I mean - Your
Wizardry!
Wizard :
Enough! Uhh - and you - Lion!! Well? (Lion faints)
Dorothy:
Oh - oh - oh! You ought to be ashamed of yourself - frightening him like that,
when he came to you for help!
Wizard:
Silence! Whippersnapper! The beneficent Oz has every intention of granting your
requests!
Lion:
What's that? What'd he say?
Dorothy:
Oh, come on.
Lion:
Huh? What'd he say -
Wizard:
But first, you must prove yourselves worthy by performing a very small task.
Bring me the broomstick of the Witch of the West.
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Tin Man:
B-B-B-B-But if we do that, we'll have to kill her to get it!
Wizard :
Bring me her broomstick and I'll grant your requests....Now go!
Lion:
But - but what if she kills us first?
Wizard:
I said - GO!!
Lion:
Ohhhhh!!
Scene 8: Witch's Castle!
Wicked Witch:Take your army to the Haunted Forest, and bring me that girl and her dog. Do as
you like with the others, but I want her alive and unharmed! They'll give you no
trouble. I promise you that. I've sent a little insect on ahead to take the fight out
of them. Take special care of those ruby slippers. I want those most of all. Now,
fly! fly! fly! Bring me that girl and her slippers!
Fly! Fly! Fly.
Scene 9: In the Witch's Castle
Dorothy is prisoner!
Wicked Witch:What a nice little dog. And you, my dear. What an unexpected pleasure. It's so
kind of you to visit me in my loneliness. Drat you and your dog! You've been
more trouble to me than you're worth, one way and another - but it'll soon be
over now! Do you see that? That's how much longer you've got to be alive! And
it isn't long, my pretty - it isn't long! I can't wait forever to get those shoes!
(Exits)
Dorothy:
I'm frightened, I'm frightened, Auntie Em - I'm frightened!
Aunt Em:
Dorothy - Dorothy - where are you? It's me - it's Auntie Em. We're trying to find
you! Where are you?
Dorothy:
I - I'm here in Oz, Auntie Em! I'm locked in the Witch's castle......and I'm trying
to get home to you, Auntie Em! Oh, Auntie Em, don't go away! I'm frightened!
Come back! Come back!
Wicked Witch:Auntie Em - Auntie Em - come back! I'll give you Auntie Em, my pretty!!
Scene 10: In the Witch's Castle
The rescue!
Scarecrow:
I've got a plan how to get in there.
Lion:
Fine. He's got a plan.
Scarecrow:
And you're going to lead us.
Lion:
Yeah. Me?
Scarecrow:
Yes, you.
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Central Coast Gangshow 2000
Lion:
I - I - I - I - gotta get her out'a there?
Scarecrow:
That's right.
Lion:
All right, I'll go in there for Dorothy - Wicked Witch or no Wicked Witch guards or no guards - I'll tear 'em apart.Ohhh! I may not come out alive but I'm
going in there. There's only one thing I want you fellas to do.
Tin Man and Scarecrow:
What's that?
Lion:
Talk me out of it.
Tin Man:
No, you don't
Scarecrow:
There! Wait! We'd better make sure. Dorothy, are you in there?
Lion:
It's us!
Dorothy:
Yes, it's me! She's locked me in!
Lion:
Listen, fellas. It's her. We gotta get her out!
Dorothy:
Oh , hurry! Please hurry!
Wicked Witch:Going so soon? I wouldn't hear of it. Why, my little party's just beginning.
Lion:
Trapped! Trapped like mice - er - rats!
Wicked Witch:Well! Ring around the Rosey! A pocket full of spears! Thought you'd be pretty
foxy, didn't you? Well, the last to go will see the first three go before her! And
your mangy little dog, too! How about a little fire, Scarecrow? Huh?
Scarecrow:
No! No! No! No! Help!
Wicked Witch:No, don't throw that water! Ohhhhh! You cursed brat! Look what you've done!
I'm melting! Melting!Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought
a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness? Ohhhhh! Look
out! Look out! I'm going. Ohhhhh - Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Monkey Leader:She's - she's dead. You've killed her.
Dorothy:
I didn't mean to kill her - really I didn't. It's - it's just that she was going to set him
on fire!
Monkey Leader:Hail to Dorothy! The Wicked Witch is dead!
Monkeys:
Hail! Hail to Dorothy! The Wicked Witch is dead!
Dorothy:
The broom! May we have it?
Monkey Leader:Please. And take it with you.
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Central Coast Gangshow 2000
Dorothy:
Oh, thank you so much! Now we can go back to the Wizard and tell him the
Wicked Witch is dead!
Monkeys:
The Wicked Witch is dead!
Ding Dong! The Witch is Dead! - Reprise
Ding Dong! The Witch is dead. Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch!
Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead.
Scene 11: Back to The Wizard
The four meet the Real Wizard!
Wizard :
Can I believe my eyes? Why have you come back?
Dorothy:
Please, sir. We've done what you told us. We've brought you the broomstick of
the Wicked Witch of the West. We melted her.
Wizard :
Oh - you liquidated her, eh? Very resourceful!
Dorothy:
Yes, sir. So we'd like you to keep your promise to us - if you please, sir.
Lion:
If you were really great and powerful, you'd keep your promises!
Wizard:
Do you presume to criticize the Great Oz? You ungrateful creatures! Think
yourselves lucky that I'm giving you an audience at all! Oh! The Great Oz has
spoken! Oh! Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain. The Great, Powerful
-- has spoken --
Dorothy:
Who are you?
Wizard :
Well, I - I - I am the Great and Powerful - Wizard of Oz.
Dorothy:
You are?
Wizard :
Uh -
Dorothy:
I don't believe you!
Wizard :
No, I'm afraid it's true. There's no other Wizard except me.
Scarecrow:
You Humbug!
Lion:
Yeah!
Wizard:
Yes - that's exactly so - I'm a humbug.
Dorothy:
Oh - you're a very bad man!
Wizard :
Oh, no, my dear. I - I'm a very good man. I'm just a very bad Wizard.
Scarecrow:
What about the heart that you promised the Tin Man?
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Central Coast Gangshow 2000
Wizard :
Well, I -
Scarecrow:
And the courage you promised Cowardly Lion?
Wizard :
Well, I -
Tin Man and Lion: And Scarecrow's brain?
Wizard:
Why, anybody can have a brain. That's a very mediocre commodity. Every
pusillanimous creature that crawls on the earth, or slinks through slimy seas has a
brain! Back where I come from we have universities - seats of great learning where people go to become great thinkers. And when they come out, they think
deep thoughts, and with no more brains than you have. But - they have one thing
you haven't got - a diploma! Therefore, by virtue of the authority vested in me by
the Universita Committeeatum E Pluribus Unum, I hereby confer upon you the
honorary degree of Th.D.
Scarecrow:
Th.D.?
Wizard :
Yeah - that - that's Dr. of Thinkology
Scarecrow:
The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to
the square root of the remaining side. Oh, joy! Rapture! I've got a brain! How can
I ever thank you enough?
Wizard:
Well, you can't! As for you my fine friend, you are a victim or disorganized
thinking. You are under the unfortunate delusion that simply because you run
away from danger you have no courage! You are confusing courage with
wisdom. Back where I come from we have men who are called heroes. Once a
year they take their fortitude out of mothballs and parade it down the main street
of the city. And they have no more courage than you have. But - they have one
thing that you haven't got! A medal!! Therefore, for meritorious conduct,
extraordinary valor, conspicuous bravery against wicked witches, I award you the
Triple Cross. You are now a member of the Legion of Courage!
Lion:
Oh - oh, shucks, folks - I'm speechless!
Wizard:
As for you, my galvanized friend - you want a heart! You don't know how lucky
you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made
unbreakable.
Tin Man:
But I - I still want one.
Wizard:
Back where I come from there are men who do nothing all day but good deeds.
They are called phil....er.....phil...er...er....good-deed-doers and their hearts are no
bigger than yours, but they have one thing you haven't got! A testimonial!
Therefore, in consideration of your kindness, I take pleasure at this time in
presenting you with a small token of our esteem and affection. And remember,
my sentimental friend, that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by
how much you are loved by others.
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Central Coast Gangshow 2000
Tin Man:
Oh, Oh, it ticks! Listen! Look, it ticks!
Lion:
Read - read what my medal says. Courage! Ain't it the truth!
Dorothy:
Oh - oh they're all wonderful.
Scarecrow:
Hey, what about Dorothy?
Tin Man:
Yes, how about Dorothy?
Lion:
Yeah.
Wizard:
A-
Lion:
Dorothy next!
Wizard:
Yes, Dorothy. A -
Dorothy:
Oh, I don't think there's anything in that black bag for me.
Lion:
Stay with us, then, Dorothy. We all love you. We don't want you to go.
Dorothy:
Oh, that's very kind of you, but this could never be like Kansas. Auntie Em must
have stopped wondering what happened to me by now. Oh, Scarecrow, what am I
going to do?
Scarecrow:
Look! Here's someone who can help you. (Glinda enters)
Dorothy:
Oh - will you help me? Can you help me?
Glinda:
You don't need to be helped any longer. You've always had the power to go back
to Kansas.
Dorothy:
I have?
Scarecrow:
Then why didn't you tell her before?
Glinda:
Because she wouldn't have believed me. She had to learn it for herself.
Tin Man:
What have you learned, Dorothy?
Dorothy:
Well, I - I think that it - that it wasn't enough just to want to see Auntie Em. And
that it's that - if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any
further than my own backyard, because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to
begin with. Is that right?
Glinda:
That's all it is!
Scarecrow:
But that's so easy! I should have thought of it for you.
Tin Man:
I should have felt it in my heart.
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Central Coast Gangshow 2000
Glinda:
No. She had to find it out for herself. Now those magic slippers will take you
home in two seconds!
Dorothy:
Oh! Toto, too?
Glinda:
Toto, too.
Dorothy:
Oh, now?
Glinda:
Whenever you wish.
Dorothy:
Oh, dear, that's too wonderful to be true! Oh, it's - it's going to be so hard to say
goodbye. I love you all, too. Goodbye Tin Man. Oh, don't cry. You rust so
dreadfully. Here, here's your oil can. Goodbye.
Tin Man:
Now I know I've got a heart, 'cause it's breaking.
Dorothy:
Oh. Goodbye, Lion. You know, I know it isn't right, but I'm gonna miss the way
you used to holler for help before you found your courage.
Lion:
Well, I would never've found it if it hadn't been for you.
Dorothy:
I think I'll miss you most of all.(Hugs Scarecrow)
Glinda:
Are you ready now?
Dorothy:
Yes. Say goodbye, Toto. Yes, I'm ready now.
Glinda:
Then close your eyes and tap your heels together three times. And think to
yourself. 'There's no place like home. There's no place like home.'
Dorothy and Glinda:'There's no place like home. There's no place like home.'
Dorothy:
'There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like
home.'
Scene 12: Dorothy returns to the Farm!
SFX:
Wind chime & stobe lighting effects
Scene 13: Waking up in Kansas
Dorothy:
Oh, Auntie Em, it's you!
Aunt Em:
Yes, darling.
Dorothy:
Aunt Em, I had a dream. And I remember that some of it wasn't very nice - but
most of it was beautiful. But just the same, all I kept saying to everybody was, 'I
want to go home!' And they sent me home. Don't you believe me?
Aunt Em:
Of course I believe you, Dorothy.
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Central Coast Gangshow 2000
Dorothy:
Oh, but anyway, Toto, we're home! Home! And this is my room - and you're
here! And I'm not going to leave here ever, ever again, because I love you all!
And - Oh, Auntie Em, there's no place like home!!
Over The Rainbow - Reprise
Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high. There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue. And the dreams that you dare to
dream
Really do come true.
Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops, Away above the chimney tops. That's
where you'll find me.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly. Birds fly over the rainbow, Why
then - oh, why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow, Why, oh, why can't I?
THE END
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Central Coast Gangshow 2000
GOING DOWN
Bruce Clark
Set FOT during blackout. Spots pick up boat as Jaws theme starts then stops abruptly.
Four boys are in boat. Hector, Hubble are standing, clinging to each other, Hendo sits
casually at the bow - Hal sits holding the rudder in the stern.
HEC & HUB: HELP!!!!!!!
HAL:
Will you blokes cut it out! You're making me scared.
HEC:
We're making you scared?
HUB:
What about the shark?
HENDO:
Shark! What shark! I didn't see a shark. Was there a shark? I didn't see a shark.
Did anyone see a shark?
OTHERS:
YES!!
HENDO:
Just thought I'd ask.
HAL:
There was a Noahs' Ark, but now he's gone. So will you sit down and relax?
They reluctantly do so, looking around the boat suspiciously. Hendo taps Hub on shoulder
and scares the wits out of him.
HEC:
How can we be sure he's gone?
HAL:
The music stopped, didn't it?
HENDO:
That's right. The music stopped. There's no more music, you see. You don't have
to be afraid of sharks till you start hearing the music. And if you don't hear music,
there's no need to be afraid. Isn't that right?
OTHERS:
NO!!
HENDO:
Just thought I would ask.
HAL:
Anyway he'll be gone for at least an hour.
HUB:
How do you know that?
Hal hauls in the rudder which has a huge bite taken out of it.
HAL:
It'll take him that long to get the splinters out of his teeth.
HEC:
Teeth?
Hector and Hubble look at each other and leap up again.
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Central Coast Gangshow 2000
HEC & HUB: HELP!!!
HAL:
(Leaping up) Sit down!
HEC:
No way Hal. If a shark's gonna get me, he's gonna get me long ways. Maybe then
he won't get his mouth open wide enough.
HENDO:
That's a very clever thought, Hec, but not a very good one, because a shark
doesn't swallow you whole, he takes a piece out of you, and then comes back for
more, so if he's going to eat you, he'll get you anyway. Isn't that good to know?
OTHERS:
(Fearfully) NO!!!
HENDO:
No, I didn't like it much either (They all sit again)
HUB:
Can I ask a silly question?
HAL:
sure, why change your habits now!
HUB:
Why did we bring Hendo along?
HAL & HEC: It's his boat.
HUB:
I told you it was a silly question.
HENDO:
We were doing fine until we got caught in the current and I yelled to Horseface
Hoskins to throw us a rope.
HEC:
And I always thought Horseface was such a good throw.
HAL:
He was. (Holding up a coiled rope) It's his head that's the problem.
HENDO:
That's right. I completely forgot about telling him to tie one end of the rope to
something solid. Forgetting at the same time, of course, that the only thing solid
about Horseface is his brain, and he doesn't always have that with him, so it may
not have done any good anyway. Isn't that funny? (All give him a dirty look)
HAL:
Are you joking?
HENDO:
Well I thought so. Didn't you?
OTHERS:
(Yell) NO!!!
HENDO:
Just thought I'd ask.
HAL:
Last time I heard anything that funny was at Gangshow.
HEC:
Didn't Hendo used to be in that?
HENDO:
I certainly did. I could even sing some of the songs to cheer you up if you like.
HUB:
Why not? Can't be any worse than a shark bite.
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Central Coast Gangshow 2000
HAL & HEC: You wanna bet?
HENDO:
(Sings) "We're riding along on a crest of wave, and the sun is in the sky.."
HUB:
What does that mean?
HAL:
It means the seas getting choppy and we're about to get a dose of sunstroke.
HEC:
Don't you know any happy songs?
HENDO:
I could tell some gangshow jokes if you like.
HAL:
Listen, just because we're gonna die, there's no need for torture as well (Hec &
Hub look dismayed)
HUB:
Don't you have any oars in this thing?
HENDO:
Of course, I always keep oars.
HAL:
Then where are they?
HENDO:
They're the things you threw at Horseface, when he threw us the rope.
HAL:
Well I hope mine hit him were it hurt.
HUB:
Mine didn't. I got him in the head.
HEC:
At least they won't call him horseface anymore.
HUB:
The way that oar hit him they'll have to call him unicorn and duck every time he
turns around.
HEC:
Anyone heard the shark music lately?
HAL:
Not really, but that song of Hendos' had a real bite to it.
HUB:
That's the sort of bite you get shot for.
HENDO:
Ah, come on fellas. You've got to look on the bright side. You know what they
say … (Sings) "Just a spoonful of sugar ………………."
OTHERS:
Give us cavities!!
HEC:
The only cavity giving me pain is the one between Hendos' ears.
HENDO:
I never have any cavities. Isn't that lucky? Of course, I did have my wisdom teeth
out.
OTHERS:
It shows!
Hec leans out of the side, cupping both hands around his mouth.
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Central Coast Gangshow 2000
HEC:
HO - O - O - O - NK!!
HAL:
What are you doing?
HEC:
They do this in all the old movies. When you hear the echo, you know there's an
iceberg.
HENDO:
What a titanic idea! Don't you think so? (All give him dirty looks) Just thought
I'd ask.
HAL:
(To Hec) This is Sydney Harbour, Bonzo Brain. All you'll find out there are
Balmain Bugs.
Hec & Hub exchange looks, then both lean over side of boat.
HEC & HUB: (To water) HELLO!!
HUB:
Hello down there!
HEC:
Whoever's listening ……. We're lost!
HAL:
Of all the people to go adrift with, I end up with Larry, Curly, and the colgate
ring of confidence.
HEC:
What we need is something to take our minds off the current predicament.
HAL:
What do you mean, it was the current that got us here in the first place.
HENDO:
I know, let's play some games. This could really be a fun trip! Just like the Love
Boat.
OTHERS:
Get away from me!
HENDO:
I can think up some great games.
HAL:
Right, that's it.
HENDO:
Deck tennis is a bit beyond us, of course, but apart from that ……….
HEC:
Grab him!
HENDO:
Anyone want to measure up for a volleyball court?
Hal & Hec grab Hendo and hold him whilst he continues to talk. Hub reaches down and
comes up with a large stopper.
HUB:
Here, shove this in his mouth.
HENDO:
And there's a knife around here somewhere. We could carve chess pieces from
the seat planking. Then when we're tired of that we could swim laps around the
…..
33
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
They jam the stopper into Hendos' mouth, hie voice is muffled …..
HAL:
Great thinking Hubble.
HEC:
Right. The one thing to avoid when you're in trouble is someone who insists on
being cheerful.
HAL:
Where'd you get the stopper from anyway?
HUB:
It was jammed in this hole in the back of the …….
They all stare straight ahead.
SFX:
Water glugging is heard.
ALL:
HELP!!!!!!!!!!
They continue to yell for help as lights fade, the glugging sounds become louder.
Blackout.
34
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
A TRIBUTE TO RALPH READER
Ralph Reader
Dialogue:
Speaker 1
Ralph Reader was born in Somerset ,England. Orphaned at nine years of age his
'grandad' took him to see his first play when they went to the village market. He
knew then, that one day he wanted to work in the theatre.
Speaker 2
When he was 18 years old he went to America and over the next few years he
produced dance routines for Al Jolson, and worked with great stars like Joan
Crawford and Robert Montgomery.
Speaker 1
At the age of 24 he returned to England - within 2 months he was creating and
producing shows in Londons' West End.
Speaker 2
In 1932 Ralph Reader produced the first Scout Show. While waiting backstage
for the show to begin, one of the cast reported that "The gang's all here", and
Gang Show was born.
Speaker 1
Gang shows are now performed throughout the whole world.
Speaker 2
Ralph Reader devoted his genius to writing songs, lyrics and sketches for Gang
Shows and donated them absolutely free of charge to Scouting.
Speaker 1
At a dinner to mark 50 years of Gang Show, in his closing speech, Ralph Reader
finished by saying to everybody who has ever worn a Red Scarf, and those who
will wear one in the years to come, "May all your years, your months, your
weeks, your days, find you 'Riding along on the crest of a wave'. God Bless
You."
Together
A
Introduction
B
Together, when we're all together
We know how lucky we are
The world around us is everything,
The sound of music, the songs we sing
And even in the coldest winter,
The warmest summer arrives,
We share together, when we're together,
The best years of our lives.
35
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
Gee it's great to be young
C
Introduction
D
Down the wide open road I go swinging,
Gee it's great to be young
With a song in my heart I'm a singing
Gee it's great to be young
Though stormy winds may blow
I'll let them blow
For each day seems to say
"This is my day"
Gee it's great to be young
E
When I leap out of bed in the morning,
Gee it's great to be young,
I can laugh at the weather mans warning,
Gee it's great to be young.
I want to shout and sing,
Here comes the spring
Life is mine and it's fine in the sunshine
Gee it's great to be young.
Spring
F
Introduction
G
There is a feeling abroad in the air,
And I dare you to share it with me,
Aren't you aware that the flair in the air,
Is the lair of a rare ecstasy,
No time for reason,
Blame it on the season.
H
Lovely wonderful spring,
What a feeling you bring.
I wanna fly through spaces,
I feel like all three graces.
Oh, you magical thing,
Makes me feel I must sing,
Lack - a - day oh Dilly Dilly,
I don't care I'm silly billy,
But it's spring, spring, spring.
Crest of a Wave
I
Introduction
J
We're riding along on the crest of a wave,
And the sun is in the sky,
36
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
All our eyes on the distant horizon,
Look out for passers by.
We'll do the hailing,
When other ships are round us sailing,
We're riding along on the crest of a wave
And the world is ours.
Birds of a Feather
K
Introduction
L
Hail to the World,
Now unfurled is the message we send
Out on the air,
Come and share in it's flair everywhere
We will tell you who we are,
We're the gang from the Central Coast
Sending a cheer
You will hear throughout the world, for
M
We are birds of a feather
Central Coast is our home,
To all birds of a feather
Where so ever you roam
Get our wave length on the air
We're goin' to shout
Bell birds calling
Listen to our greeting
Ringing out to birds of a feather
Thro' the wide wide world.
Wonderful Life
Adapted by Helen Harridon A.G.S.
N
Introduction
O
Why are we singing so cheerful today?
Why are we smiling so wide?
What are the memories that will always stay?
Why is good luck on our side?
We've made a promise and we'll do our best
To make the best of each day.
There is a friendship that we all share
This is why we say.
P
Out in the rain gang or out in the snow
Out in the sunshine, wherever you go
There's one thing all we fellows know
Gee it's a wonderful life!
Whether in highlands, or down in the dale
37
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
Over the river and on to the vale
We hike along the rainbow trail
Gee it's a wonderful life!
Q
When you're out about in Scouting, you're as happy as a king
If you're tracking in the meadow or a bird upon a wing
In the Autumn, or the Winter, or the Summer or the Spring
It's a most remarkable thing
Out with the gang boys, and journeying to
Lands of adventure waiting for you
You find your day dreams coming true
Gee it's a wonderful life
You bet it's a wonderful life.
Money
R
Introduction
S
You can do what you like when you're rich,
You can carve out a wonderful niche,
You can have little concern where there's nothing to earn
And you've plenty of money you can burn.
Paying cash for a Rolls Royce at Yorks
Wear expensively tailor made shorts
Folk will know who you are when you drive in your car
And they see you in the Crown Plaza Bar
T
You can argue how you like
But money means a lot,
Doesn't matter who you are,
Today it's what you've got
You can take it from me when I say
That the only infallible way
To be certain to know,
If you're loaded with dough .,…. You're O.K.
Friends
U
Introduction
V
You can get along without money,
You can lose your dividends,
You can get by without lots of things but,
You gotta have friends!
You can do without an umbrella,
Take what the weather man sends,
You can do without a winter overcoat,
But you can't do without friends!
W
Loads of diamonds you may have
But if you're on your own,
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Central Coast Gangshow 2000
What good's a million quid in your pocket
If you're all alone?
Tell the world and his neighbour,
Happiness depends
Not on the number of your house,
Or on the number of your car,
But on the number of your friends.
Open Road
X
Introduction
Y
Heigh Ho, for the open road, come go on the open road
I know ev'ry wild abode, so come for a hike as soon as you like with me.
Far far from the grime and smoke, Hurrah for we nature folk
Ha Ha how we laugh and joke, when out on the run its jolly good fun with me.
Z
It'll make you pure and beautiful, You'll be healthy free and strong
And you'll learn to sing our battle cry, Sis Boom Boom Kong Wong.
Begin, there is naught to fear, Chin chin, say the girls up here,
Fall in with me now and hear the call of the open road.
What a holiday
AA
Introduction
BB
Left right, left right, left right, left right, left right, left right
Left right, left right, what a holiday
When you're out along the merry way.
Every mile is fresh and free,
Every step is all along the sunny side of
Every highway, that's the place to be.
Through the fields or down beside the sea.
Hiding in a haystack when it starts to rain
Soon as it's over, out you come and off you go again.
It's great to be Young
CC
Introduction
DD
Down the wide open road I go swinging,
Gee it's great to be young
With a song in my heart I'm a singing
Gee it's great to be young
Though stormy winds may blow
I'll let them blow
For each day seems to say
"This is my day"
Gee it's great to be young
39
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
Making Memories
EE
Introduction
FF
We've been making memories for a long long time
It's a lovely thing to do, and we've made them all for you
We've been making memories, and if you're very smart,
You'll take each little memory and lock it in the pocket of your heart (Yeah)
Day and night and night and day the songs that we have sung
Have echoed over land and over seas
Already we have shared them with the friends we know
Now we're going to leave them with you when you go
This is the best of legacies, it's ours for making memories.
Crest of a wave
GG
Introduction - Dialogue
Speaker 1:
May all of your tomorrows find you riding along on the crest of a wave
HH
We're riding along on the crest of a wave,
And the sun is in the sky,
All our eyes on the distant horizon
Look out for passers by.
We'll do the hailing,
When other ships around us sailing,
We're riding along on the crest of a wave
And the world is ours
II
Playout
40
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
THAT'S NOT HOW YOU DID IT LAST TIME
Traditional - adapted by Korimul Gangshow
Director sits on chair and claps
DIRECTOR: Come! (The cast enter) Now listen carefully, so we can get this done as soon as
possible. It's a very short script and you know what you have to do. You've all
done advertising work? (They all nod) Good! Then let's begin.
CLAPPER:
Now?
DIRECTOR: (Nods) Now.
CLAPER:
Prolonglife pills commercial, take one! (The girl enters using a lollipop)
DIRECTOR: Not yet! The body first!
CLAPPER:
Prolonglife pills commercial, take two!
(The body enters and lies down on floor - after checking there is no dust on the floor. For
the first segment characters make no effort to act at all. The girl enters licking a lollipop)
GIRL:
(Looks at body with no interest) Mummy, Mummy, Daddy's sick.
MOTHER:
Oh Dear, I do believe you're right. We'd better call a doctor (Calls)Doctor!
DOCTOR:
It's too late, he's gone. You need an undertaker. (Calls) Undertaker!
UNDER:
You're right, he's dead.
ALL:
(Girl, mother, doctor and undertaker step forward in a line and sing) He
should have taken his Prolonglife!
DIRECTOR: (Jumps up angrily) Cut! What was that? Do you call that acting? A twelve year
old can do better than that. What are you ….. zombies? Now get off and do it
again, and this time with more heart, more feeling. Got it?
ALL:
Got it
CLAPPER:
Prolonglife pills commercial, take three!
(This time they play the scene very melodramatically with great use of hand and arm
movements. The body enters dramatically and after a lot of moaning and groaning and
throwing himself about, he finally dies.)
GIRL:
Oooooooooh, Ooooooooooh, dearest Mamma, come quickly. My dearest Pappa
is desperately ill.
MOTHER:
Oh daughter, daughter, woe, woe, woe! We must seek instant aid from the doctor
… who just happens to be here visiting your sick uncle, woe, woe! (Calls)
Doctor!
41
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
DOCTOR:
Alas, ma'am, I am too late. Your beloved husband is no more … no longer with
us. I will call the undertaker, who just happens to be here visiting your sick uncle
- just in case (Calls) Undertaker!
UNDER:
Alas, the dear departed is with the angels. (He folds the hands of the body over
the chest)
ALL:
(Step forward and sing dramatically with feeling) He should have taken his
Prolonglife.
DIRECTOR: I don't believe it! (To audience) Did you hear that rubbish? (To actors) Do you
think we might have it again and this time let's see how sad you all are? This is a
very sad scene. (he takes out his handkerchief and wipes his brow) Please get
it right this time. I'm a sick man.
CLAPPER:
You heard him. Get it right this time! Prolonglife pills commercial, take four!
(The body enters crying noisely. He waves a sad farewell to the audience and then to
director. He sighs deeply)
BODY:
Goodbye, cruel world. (He dies)
GIRL:
(Tearfully) Oh, mummy, mummy, come here. (She wails loudly) It's Daddy,
he's so sick. Ooooooooooooh!
MOTHER:
Oh look at him. (She wails loudly) He looks awful. We must get a doctor.
(Calls) Doctor! Oooooooooooooh!
DOCTOR:
What is all this noise. (Sees the body) Oh, poor man, (Begins to cry) … he was a
lovely man, too. It's no use. I'm too late (Sobs noisly) You need an undertaker.
Oooh!
UNDER:
(Sees the body) Oh, what shame! (Starts to cry) What an awful shame. He's
such a beautiful corpse.
ALL:
(Cry together, then stop, step forward and sing tearfully) He should have
taken his Prolonglife.
DIRECTOR: (Jumps up from chair) Stop! Stop that! Where did the acting agency find you
people? All that weeping and wailing, you should hire yourself out for funerals!
Oh, this is no good for my blood pressure. (Takes a pill out of a box and takes
it) My doctor told me not to get excited. Now, do you think you might get it right
this time? No melodrama, no tears. In fact, I think you could bring it up to date a
bit. It's so old-fashioned. (To Clapper) All right.
CLAPPER:
What's the matter with you people? We'll be here all night. Prolonglife pills
commercial, take five … and you heard, bring it up to date.
(The body walks on, clicking his fingers. If possible he wears sun glasses. He throws an
imaginary pill in the air and catches it with his teeth and swallows it)
42
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
BODY:
(Looking at audience) Hey, man. (He lies down very casually and dies)
GIRL:
Crazy, man! What you doin' down there, Daddyo? Oh, I'm getting' those bad
vibes and they ain't good. I think Daddyo's taken a one way ride.
MOTHER:
Sure looks like a heavy scene. Cool it chick. We'll contact the healing man.
(Enter Doctor) Hey, what kept you?
DOCTOR:
You reached out to me, Babe. (Looks at body) It's too late for this dude .. he's
snuffed it! Bring on the body snatcher.
UNDER:
Lay it on me, man. (Sees body) Whoa! We got us a stiff!
ALL:
(Sing) He should have taken his Prolonglife. Hey!
DIRECTOR: (Really angrily) Snuffed it! A stiff! What's all this strange language? How's
anybody going to understand you? This really is too much … and it's so warm in
here. (Takes off jacket) Shall we try it again? And speed it up a little. It is so
slow!
CLAPPER:
You heard the man, speed it up! Prolonglife pills commercial, take six!
(The body rushes on and dies at breakneck speed. The other characters gabble their lines
through as they rush on)
GIRL:
Mummy, mummy, Daddy's sick.
MOTHER:
You're right. I'd better get a doctor.
DOCTOR:
Too late. You need an undertaker.
UNDER:
Too late. He's dead!
ALL:
(Quickly) He should have taken his Prolonglife.
DIRECTOR: (Almost in tears) What are you trying to do to me? I've told you I'm a sick man.
I can't take all this strain. Please get it right this time … please! It's so depressing
… make it a little more light-hearted (Wearily to Clapper) Again.
CLAPPER:
And you'd better get it right this time because it's the last reel of film. Prolonglife
pills commercial, take seven!
(The body skips on merrily singing happily to himself. He then laughs himself to death.
The girl and mother laugh all the way through the segment.)
GIRL:
Oh, daddy! (Laughs at him) Look at you! You look so funny, I think you must
be sick. Mummy, look at this, it's so funny.
MOTHER:
(Sees body and goes into fits of laughter) So it is. I've never seen him look so
funny before … he's usually so boring. (Calls) Doctor, come and see what you've
got here (laughing) … you'll never believe it. (Continues laughing with the
daughter)
43
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
DOCTOR:
What a sight! (Laughs) He doesn't need me … he needs Cheery Charlie, the
undertaker. (Still laughing) Wait till he sees this one - he'll die. (They prop each
other up laughing)
UNDER:
Anybody I know? (Laughs loudly) He must have been dying to meet me!
ALL:
(They can hardly stand for laughing) He should have taken his Prolonglife.
DIRECTOR: That's it! That's the last straw. Laughing at someones sickness like that. You don't
know what it's like to be sick and have people laugh at you and mock you! You're
not actors … you're …. You're … agh! (He clutched his heart) Agh! (He
struggles around making strange sounds and finally falls and dies)
CLAPPER:
There was no film for that bit.
GIRL:
It was too slow anyhow.
MOTHER:
Too melodramatic.
DOCTOR:
Really old-fashioned.
UNDER:
It wasn't light-hearted enough.
ALL:
(Sing) He should have taken his Prolonglife.
44
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
GYPSY
Words: Ray Howden
Music:Ken Bayly
A
Introduction
B
Verse
Night time and the snow is lying
Over all the earth,
Night time in the forests' heart
Black and dark around.
Night time in the depth of winter
Chills you to the heart,
Night time, and the gypsies stay,
Waiting for the dawn.
C
Chorus
In the winter when the night is cold,
See the campfire glowing bright and gold,
And hear the voices ringing,
Gypsies singing
Songs they learnt in days of old.
With the gypsies there's a welcome here,
Fire to warm you and a cup to cheer.
And though the wind is blowing
You'll be knowing
That your gypsy friends are near.
Though we have but little wealth,
Though we own no ground,
Join us while we drink your health,
Pass the cup around.
We care not for fortunes tide,
Rich we'll never be,
We roam through the countryside
With a life that's free!
Not for us a life of city streets!
Keep your cities and your houses neat!
Give us land to roam in
And our home's the
Open road before our feet!
D
Verse
Sometime you will hear the music
Linger in the air
Music that will stir the heart
Round a Gypsy fire
Soon, all your cares forgotten,
You will join the song
Music that will help to fan
Fire in your blood.
E
In the winter when the night is cold,
45
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
See the campfire glowing bright and gold,
And hear the voices ringing,
Gypsies singing
Songs they learnt in days of old.
With the gypsies there's a welcome here,
Fire to warm you and a cup to cheer.
And though the wind is blowing
You'll be knowing
That your gypsy friends are near. OI!!!
F
Playout
46
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
THE MEXICAN STANDOFF
Clarke, Phillip & Ilic
COMPERE: (Hesitantly) Hello … er … good evening. Ladies and Gentlemen. I must
apologise. The following item was supposed to feature two members of our cast:
but unfortunately one is unable to appear. But in the true tradition of the theatre the show must go on. We crave your sympathetic attention. Ladies and
gentlemen, The Mexican Standoff.
A character enters wearing a hat, a belt a gun holster.
COWBOY:
(Relaxed smug) They tell me you've been looking for me Enrico?
He does a quick change - MAX 10 seconds. Drops belt, takes off hat, drops them, moves to
other side of stage - puts on sombrero, poncho, gun belt and moustache. Music plays
Mexican Hat Dance when he changes to Mexican and Bonanza when he changes to
cowboy.
ENRICO:
(In Mexican voice) Si
Changes into Cowboy
COWBOY: So they let you back into the country?
Changes into Mexican
ENRICO:
Si
Changes into Cowboy
COWBOY: Well?
Changes into Mexican
ENRICO:
I promised to my wife, to my children and to my parents, that I'd get the man who
left out the chilli sauce in my burrito.
Changes into Cowboy.
COWBOY: Ehh?
Changes into Mexican
ENRICO:
Never mind, this is the moment I've been waiting for ….. Changes into Cowboy,
does a take, changes back to Mexican, then as though adding a word to a
previous sentence ……. Signor Cowboy.
Changes into Cowboy
COWBOY: Oh, Enrico, you asked for it
Draws gun out flashy, spins around finger as if getting ready to shoot.
Changes into Mexican
Whips out gun and fires, ricocheting bullet heard.
Changes into Cowboy
Twirls gun smugly twice, does a sudden reaction to being shot, and drops dead.
Changes to Mexican.
ENRICO:
Next time don't forget the chilli sauce.
47
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
THE SCORCEROR
48
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
AUSTRALIA : OUR STORY
The Rock
A
Instrumental
Our Story
Mark Emdin
B
A new chapter is about to begin,
But there is one she has already seen and lived.
From her settling in 1788 and the men who conquered her,
To the convicts and squatters who reaped from the land,
It was she who boiled the billy under the coolabah,
And waltzed Matilda all over.
She fought at Eureka and Gallipoli,
But for those who died, she does not forget, Anzac day is dedicated to them.
She stood fast through times of depression,
And enjoyed the years of prosperity.
It was she who inspired Henry Lawson to record her heritage,
And Nolan to capture her beauty.
Her sunburnt shores are home for the homeless
Where we all can live as one.
This is her story.
OUR STORY.
The Rock
Felicia Chadwick & Rob Lang
C
You may have seen Sydney town
Marvelled at the Harbour Bridge
No matter what sights you've seen
There none like this
For it’s a huge monolith
Surrounded by featureless plain
With colours that never seem
Quite the same
D
Sun setting in a purple blaze
Sand stretching far beyond our gaze
This land has a magic
To make you turn and stop
In this place of endless wonder
It is simply called " the ro-ck"
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Central Coast Gangshow 2000
E
Sun setting in a purple blaze
Sand stretching far beyond our gaze
This land has a magic
To make you turn and stop
In this place of endless wonder
It is simply called " the ro-ck"
My Country
Dorothea Mackellar
F
I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of rugged mountain ranges,
Of droughts and flooding rains.
I love her far horizons,
I love her jewel sea,
Her beauty and her terror The wide brown land for me!
G
Core of my heart my country
Land of the rainbow gold
For flood and fire and famine
She pays us back three-fold
But then the grey clouds gather
And we can bless again
The drumming of the army
The steady soaking rain.
God Bless Australia
(Tune: Waltzing Matilda)
H
Introduction
I
Here in this God given land of ours Australia
This proud possession, our own piece of earth
That was built by our fathers, who pioneered our heritage
Here in Australia, the land of our birth
J
God bless Australia, our land Australia
Home of the Anzac, the strong and the free,
It's our homeland, our own land,
To cherish for eternity,
God bless Australia, the land of the free
K
Here in Australia, we treasure love and liberty,
Our way of life, all for one, one for all,
We're a peace-loving race, but should danger ever threaten us,
Let the world know, we will answer the call.
L
God bless Australia, our land Australia
50
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
Home of the Anzac, the strong and the free,
It's our homeland, our own land,
To cherish for eternity,
God bless Australia, the land of the free
The Swagman
CJ Dennis
M
Oh, he was old and he was spare;
His bushy whiskers and his hair
Were all fussed up and very gray
He said he'd come a long, long way
And boot was taken at the toe,
And he'd a swag upon his back.
His billy-can, as black as black,
Was just the thing for making tea
At picnics, so it seemed to me.
I sometimes think: When I'm a man,
I'll get a good black billy-can
And hang some corks around my hat,
And lead a jolly life like that.
The Old Bark Hut
Banjo Patterson
N
Introduction
O
Oh me name is Bob the Swagman, and before you all I stand, and
I've had many ups and downs while trav'lin' through the land.
I once was well to do, me boys, but now I'm all stumped up and I'm forced to go
on rations in an old bark hut.
In an old bark hut, in an old bark hut,
And I'm forced to go on rations in an old bark hut.
P
The bucket I wash me feet in has to cook me tea and stew,
They'd say I was gettin' mighty flash if I should ask for two.
I've a billy and a pint pot and a broken handled cup,
And they all adorn the table in the old bark hut.
In the old bark hut, in the old bark hut,
They all adorn the table in the old bark hut.
Australia is our Land
Doug Simpson & Rob Lang
Q
Introduction
R
Australia is our land, a land of liberty
Where men from many nations, can live strong and free
Australians have spirits, that never will concede
I feel that spirit in me, I hear it calling me
51
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
S
Calling from ages gone,
Pioneers through the years
Side by side, fought with pride,
Have they fought in vain?
T
Australia is our land, with beauty far and wide
From modern city buildings to grand countryside
Australian has something to contrast every scene
To understand her beauty, just look around and see
U
The mountains high,
The grassy plains,
The desert dry,
The summer rains
The cyclones strong,
The misty breeze,
The bellbirds song,
The golden seas
V
Still I don't know, what I love best, It's not just these, it's all the rest.
Australia is our land, her people and her scenes
Make her a lucky country, I hear her calling me.
Last night I had a dream
Bruce Woodley
W
Introduction
X
I am Australian as the tallest old gum tree
I am Australian a true blue dinky di
We are black and white and brown together
Let's all sing Waltzing Matilda
We are Australians all of us, you and I
Y
I am Australia as the tallest old gum tree
I am Australia a true blue dinky di
We are black and white and brown together
Let's all sing Waltzing Matilda
We are Australians all of us, you and I
Our Story
Mark Emdin
Z
A new chapter has begun,
But there is one she has already seen and lived.
This is her story.
OUR STORY.
52
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
Last night I had a dream
Bruce Woodley
AA
I am Australian as the tallest old gum tree
I am Australian a true blue dinky di
We are black and white and brown together
Let's all sing Waltzing Matilda
We are Australians all of us you and I
BB
Playout
53
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
IF I WERE NOT UPON THE STAGE
Adapted by Korimal & Central Coast Gangshows
A
Introduction
B
If I were not upon the stage something else I'd rather be,
If I were not upon the stage a Sergeant Major me,
You'd hear me all day long, and this would be my song …
Left, Right, Left, Right, Move your blooming arms,
Left, Right, Left, Right, Move your blooming arms.
C
If I were not upon the stage something else I'd rather be,
If I were not upon the stage a Cub Leader me,
You'd hear me all day long, and this would be my song …
Dib dib dib, dob dob dob and a howley to the moon,
Dib dib dib, dob dob dob and a howley to the moon.
D
If I were not upon the stage something else I'd rather be,
If I were not upon the stage a Bank Robber me,
You'd hear me all day long, and this would be my song …
Stick 'em up, stick 'em up, give us all your cash,
Stick 'em up, stick 'em up, give us all your cash.
E
If I were not upon the stage something else I'd rather be,
If I were not upon the stage a Tennis Player me,
You'd hear me all day long, and this would be my song …
The ball was in, the ball was in, are you blind or something jerk?
The ball was in, the ball was in, are you blind or something jerk?
F
If I were not upon the stage something else I'd rather be,
If I were not upon the stage a Hospital Nurse me,
You'd hear me all day long, and this would be my song …
A drip in here, a drip in here, and a big prick in the butt,
A drip in here, a drip in here, and a big prick in the butt
G
If I were not upon the stage something else I'd rather be,
If I were not upon the stage an Undertaker me,
You'd hear me all day long and this would be my song …
Close their eyes, lay them out, shove them in a box,
Close their eyes, lay them out, shove them in a box.
H
If I were not upon the stage something else I'd rather be,
If I were not upon the stage a Black Jack Dealer me,
You'd hear me all day long, and this would be my song …
Hit me here, hit me here, twenty one or bust,
Hit me here, hit me here, twenty one or bust.
I
Playout
54
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
ORDER IN THE COURT
Central Coast Gangshow
A
Skit
Curtain rises on Judge and baliff entering from OP and speaking.
Judge:
It's going to be another one of those days, I can just tell.
Baliff:
You might just be right your honour.
Judge:
Wonder what we'll see today. Maybe a murder…..
Baliff:
Maybe some petty theft or a touch of adultery to liven things up ….
Judge:
Haven't had a good divorce in a while….. yes, been a while since I had a good
one of those.
Baliff:
Perhaps a failed business tycoon hiding in an overseas country trying to escape
extradition. Now that would bring some excitement
Judge:
Well, over 8 hours to go, you had better go and get the doors and let the hoards
in.
Baliff:
No problem Your Honour.
(Baliffs walks off OP as Judge organises the bench for court proceedings. Baliff re-enters
followed by gallery members and other court attendants. When all are seated)
Baliff:
All rise!!
(Judge sits)
Baliff:
This courtroom is now in session Judge Blah Blah residing, be seated.
Judge:
(Bangs gavel) Order, order in the court!
Man 1:
(From gallery) I'll have have a Big Mac meal thanks, and hold the dessert.
Judge:
(Banging gavel again) Baliff, throw him out. We'll try again. Order in the
court!!!
Pizza 1:
(Entering P) These must be yours then. That's a large supreme with extra
anchovies, garlic bread and coke.
Judge:
Baliff!!!!!! (Baliff removes pizza man) (To audience) It's going to be a long
day. We will try one more time. Ord…. Silence in the court.
(There is silence)
55
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
The Order
Dennis Ankor
B
Introduction
C
Judge
M'Lord, M'Ladies and M'Gentlemen,
Our Court of Law is sitting again.
No frippery, no jokes or glee
Will ever blemish our Court of Law
D
Lawyers
Lawyers, we practice law, if you please.
Oh, please employ us
And do it soon before you see our fees.
Lawyers, we're at you service now,
At eighty dollars a half an hour.
E
Baliff
M'Lord, M'Ladies and M'Gentlemen,
Not two, not three or four or five or ten.
Worthy of mind, noble and kind;
We welcome twelve good jury men.
F
Jury
Guilty, we know they're guilty as charged.
We know they're guilty
Because their eyes are small, their teeth are large.
Guilty, you see it on each face.
Or was that from another case?
G
Baliff
M'Lord, M'Ladies and M'Gentlemen,
I fear I must present the defendants.
Innocent men, that's till we can
Prove they're as guilty as said.
H
Interlude - defendants enter
I
Baliff
M'Lord, M'Ladies and M'Gentlemen,
Our Court of Law is sitting once again.
Order in Court, order in court.
We give a welcome to our judge.
J
All sing
M'Lord, M'Ladies and M'Gentlemen,
Our Court of Law is sitting once again.
Order in Court, order in court.
We give a welcome to our judge.
K
Dialogue
56
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
Baliff:
Your honour our first case is number 45454545459762. The city of Gosford
versus Central Coast Gangshow for public indecency. Please bring in the
accused.
(2 policeman leave and return with defendants)
Judge:
You are accused of public indecency, more, it is said that every July, yourselves,
and unnamed accomplices terrorise the city of Gosford with your so-called
humor and entertainment. What do you have to say for yourselves?
Gangshow 1: Well, all we did was add a bit more excitement to what was a boring night at the
theatre.
Gangshow 2: We just added a few sequins, a bit of satin, some sparkles and glitter.
Gangshow 1: A few Ralph Reader songs a corny gag or two
Gangshow 2: And bam the next thing we knew we were being arrested.
Gangshow 1: Come to think of it, things around here are looking a little drab, have you ever
thought of britghening up your uniforms or maybe adding some nice sequins to
your robe - it could look really quite special under the right lights.
Judge:
Enough (Bangs gavel) No more of this kind of talk in my court. This is a place of
respect and dignity.
Gangshow 2: We were just trying to brighten things up a bit. Calm down.
Gangshow 1: Why I can see it now
(Other gangshow people enter to dress up cast in more dazzling clothes. Gangsnow person
steals Judges robe and sings first verse parody style)
Judicial Rag
L
M
Dennis Ankor
Gangshow 1
My judgements are the finest and when I speak,
I quote from Latin and I quote from Greek.
Toss in some sayings of long dead lords,
And, my gosh, how they all applaud.
All sing
This court of law, it is a dignified place,
Dignified, refined.
Filled to brim with propriety,
Join us if you feel inclined.
This court of law, it is a dignified place,
At this point of time.
Notwithstanding the rest, you know that it is the best,
For every type of crime.
This court of law (I'm a telling you)
57
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
Oh, this court of law.
The cases pending, are never ending,
And criminals ask for more!
This court of law (I'm a telling you)
Oh, this court of law.
And in every trial, you'll find them blocking the aisles,
In our court, this court of law
N
O
P
All sing
This court of law, it is a dignified place,
Dignified, refined.
Filled to brim with propriety,
Join us if you feel inclined.
This court of law, it is a dignified place,
At this point of time.
Notwithstanding the rest, you know that it is the best,
For every type of crime.
This court of law (I'm a telling you)
Oh, this court of law.
The cases pending, are never ending,
And criminals ask for more!
This court of law (I'm a telling you)
Oh, this court of law.
And in every trial, you'll find them blocking the aisles,
In our court, this court of law
Coda
Yes, in every trial, you'll find them blocking the aisles,
In our court, this court of law.
Playout
58
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
FOOTY TIME
A
B
Ken Bayly
Introduction
Every Saturday in April, June and May
All over Australia you'll hear this every day,
Travelling to and fro, no matter where you go
It's football on everyone's lips
C
Raiders:
Saints:
Seagulls:
Panthers:
Sharks:
Souths:
Eels:
Easts:
Bulldogs:
Magpies:
Norths:
Tigers:
Chorus
Come on the Raiders!
Come on the Saints!
Come on the mighty Seagulls!
I like the Panthers,
I like the Sharks,
Souths is the team for the premiership.
Give me the Eels,
Make mine Easts,
I like the good old bulldogs.
I like the Magpies,
I like Norths,
But I like the mighty Tigers.
D
Wests and Balmain
Once the whistle blows, all sign of reason goes
Blokes normally quiet, go crazy as can be,
"Kick the ball ya mug", "Oh we haven't got a hope",
"You ought to be out here with me ya mug".
E
Raiders:
Saints:
Seagulls:
Panthers:
Sharks:
Souths:
Eels:
Easts:
Bulldogs:
Magpies:
Norths:
Tigers:
Chorus
Come on the Raiders!
Come on the Saints!
Come on the mighty Seagulls!
I like the Panthers,
I like the Sharks,
Souths is the team for the premiership.
Give me the Eels,
Make mine Easts,
I like the good old bulldogs.
I like the Magpies,
I like Norths,
But I like the mighty Tigers.
F
Souths and Saints
We stand in queues for hours, in thunderstorms and showers,
Just to make certain we see the final game,
We'd suffer anything to see our favourites win,
Each year it is always the same.
G
Raiders:
Saints:
Chorus
Come on the Raiders!
Come on the Saints!
59
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
Seagulls:
Panthers:
Sharks:
Souths:
Eels:
Easts:
Bulldogs:
Magpies:
Norths:
Tigers:
Come on the mighty Seagulls!
I like the Panthers,
I like the Sharks,
Souths is the team for the premiership.
Give me the Eels,
Make mine Easts,
I like the good old bulldogs.
I like the Magpies,
I like Norths,
But I like the mighty Tigers.
H
Sharks andEels
Everyone about, knows the rule book inside out
We give the decisions and what we say is right,
None of us are fools, when interpreting the rules
Except of course that fellow dressed in white.
I
Raiders:
Saints:
Seagulls:
Panthers:
Sharks:
Souths:
Eels:
Easts:
Bulldogs:
Magpies:
Norths:
Tigers:
Chorus
Come on the Raiders!
Come on the Saints!
Come on the mighty Seagulls!
I like the Panthers,
I like the Sharks,
Souths is the team for the premiership.
Give me the Eels,
Make mine Easts,
I like the good old bulldogs.
I like the Magpies,
I like Norths,
But I like the mighty Tigers.
J
Norths and Manly
They're confusing you., about who is who
The bunnies are out on their ears boo hoo
Steelers, Saints are one, Manly, Norths the same
Now lets get on with the game.
K
Tigers:
Magpies:
Easts:
Souths:
Panthers:
Saints:
Raiders:
Seagulls:
Sharks:
Eels:
Bulldogs:
Norths:
Chorus
Come on the Raiders!
Come on the Saints!
Come on the mighty Seagulls!
I like the Panthers,
I like the Sharks,
Souths is the team for the premiership.
Give me the Eels,
Make mine Easts,
I like the good old bulldogs.
I like the Magpies,
I like Norths,
But I like the mighty Tigers.
L
Playout
60
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
THE DUEL
Harry Dougan - Edinburgh GangShow
First Scene - Introductory & played front of tabs??
Enter "A" and his 2 seconds from Op. "A" remains at OP while the two seconds move centre, as
"B" and his 2 seconds enter from prompt side. "B" remains at P whilst his 2 seconds move
centre near to "A"s seconds.
Enter referee (Umpire) from OP side. He proceeds centre and stands between the two pairs of
seconds.
Umpire and seconds discuss (procedure of duel) business of nodding and shaking heads,
gestures etc….. all very French. Audible dialogue is unnecessary. The seconds return to their
respective sides and have a brief discussion with "A" and "B". then all exit P. Curtain opens.
Curtain open on park scene. Enter the seven characters P side. The umpire carries the gun case.
"A" and his seconds move to Op side.
"B" and his seconds move to P side.
Umpire moves to front stage centre. Umpire calls "A" and "B" to him.
Business of choosing guns. Business of examining guns: handing them to seconds for
examination: loading guns: passing to umpire: passing them to "A" and "B". This passing to and
fro can be developed (one duelist ends up with both guns).
Umpire directs the four seconds to stand to side. Umpire (in dumb show) explains to "A" and to
"B" the procedure. They stand back to back. Umpire directs them to walk ten paces, turn and
fire. Much gesticulation and nodding of heads etc…….
1st Sequence
At a signal ('Un, deux, trois? Fingers from umpire) "B" walks very deliberately towards the P
side. "A" about turns as soon as "B"s back is turned - but not touching him. As "B" about turns,
"A" slips behind him. As "A" fumbles with his gun, "B" fires at the place where "A" ought to be.
"A"s second falls clutching his chest.
Consternation all round, except for "A" who is still trying to get his gun to fire, although
everyone else is clustered around "A"s second who is lying still. Much gesticulation, shouting of
'Il est mort', c'est terrible, quel dommage, accident!!! Etc…. dumb show… body is lifted and
placed, top hat on chest, upstage. Umpire calls "B" (who is very upset) and "A" ( who is
sublimely oblivious of the cause of the fuss) to centre again.
2nd Sequence
Umpire gives "A" a telling off and, in dumb show, points out that "A" must walk away from
"B". Signal again given. This time "A" and "B" walk ten paces ("A" counting ten paces very
carefully(, they turn, aim and try to fire. The guns have jammed! Both "A" and "B" fumble,
thump and shake their guns. Suddenly there is a shot and "B"s 2nd second falls, waving and
shouts of 'il est mort' accident!!! Etc…. Body lifted and placed beside other at back of stage
(upstage)
61
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
3rd Sequence
Umpire again calls "A" and "B" together. However, they have changed sides, so that "A" walks
to P side and "B" walks to OP side. "B"s first second notices the error and rushes forward to "A"
gesticulating then indicating to "A" that he ought to be walking the other way. By this time "B"s
first second (who is standing between "A" and "B") is struck and falls. Again consternation apart from "A" who cannot understand where "B"s second has gone. Usual business of gathering
round body. Gesticulation and explanation - all in dumb show. Body is placed beside the others.
After 3rd sequence "A" is very worried and attempts to slip away. He is dragged back by "B" and
"A"s first second and the umpire.
4th Sequence
Umpire takes "A" and "B" to centre stage again. Ticks off "A" and "B". Holds yellow card as if
on football field (.. gesticulating towards imaginary pavillion etc….) "A" is looking most
unhappy. "A"s first second is however even more upset looking, on his own, literally shaking
like a leaf. Umpire sets "A" and "B" off once again. As the two duellists reach the end of the ten
paces and turn "A"s first second gives a loud moan and collapses. No shot is fired. "A" and "B"
look at their guns in bewilderment. Umpire rushes to "A"s first second, followed by "A" and
"B".
Business as before, with gesticulations and comments. Body placed beside others.
5th Sequence
Umpire gets them started again. "A" and "B " walk ten paces and turn. They aim. The guns
misfire. Panic moves by "A" and "B" to get guns to fire. They aim, the guns misfire: they thump
the guns etc… aim and misfire again. Umpire moves over to "B" to try to help him. Confusion
as Umpire tries to get "B" to hand over his gun for examination. "A" still trying to get his gun to
fire. Umpire takes "B"s gun from him and as "B" tries to get it back there is a shot. Umpire falls
at "B"s feet. Business as usual with body.
Final Sequence
"A" and "B" stand centre back to back. Then they turn to face the audience. They pause, then
smile slowly, turn and smile to each other, they glance over their shoulders at the 'bodies" and
looking at each other, "A" and "B" toss coin, "B" loses toss and goes and lies down with other
four. Count to five and all dead bodies cross feet. "A" smiles to audience - Blackout, walks off.
62
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
THE LIGHTHOUSE KEEPERS DAUGHTER
Traditional
TIME:
SCENE:
Sunset
A lighthouse on a lonely rockbound coast.
The sun was just setting when the lighthouse keeper left his house and set off to climb to
the top of the lighthouse to light the lamp. He climbed the lighthouse steps, going round, and
round and round and round and round, and at last, puffing a little for he was not as young as he
had been, he reached the top, to commence his long night vigil, while across the sea the beams
from the lighthouse guided mariners on their way past a cruel reef on the rockbound coast. Then
he polished the glass of the oil lamp - struck a match - and soon the light of the great lamp was
shining out far over the sea. He looked around to see that everything was allright - opened his
newspaper and prepared for his long night watch.
The lighthouse keepers daughter, the fair Jacqueline, left home soon after her father, to
watch the sunset, over the sea - she was a beauteous maiden, but she was tired of living on a
rockbound coast where nothing ever happened. She wandered along the shore - then sat on a
rock - and gazed mournfully into the distance, thinking of the boy from the city who she hoped
would come and wed her, and take her away to a wild life in the city, where she could dance,
and go to the pictures and forget the lighthouse and the sea.
Then along the beach came Harry the Greaser - Harry was her fathers' assistant at the
lighthouse, and he was madly in love with the fair Jacqueline. She scorned him because he was
poor and always smelt of grease. He saw the fair Jacqueline sitting lonely on her rock and his
overpowering love broke all bonds, and he went forward - knelt at her feet and pleaded with her
to marry him. But it was all in vain. She scorned him because his clothes were not like the city
boys and she wanted glamour rather than an honest husband. Broken hearted over it all, poor
Harry the Greaser staggered along feeling that it wasn't worth living without his fair Jacqueline.
In the meantime, hidden among the rocks below the lighthouse, crouched Crossbones
Bill, the smuggler - He watched the lighthouse keeper go on duty and saw the fair Jacqueline
pass along the beach and Harry the Greaser follow her, he waited for darkness, and when the
light shone across the sea, he knew he must put it out. (Crossbones creeps across to the
lighthouse) His men are waiting to lure the approaching ship onto the rocks, then the gold will
be his.
He creeps nearer the lighthouse steps - round and round and round and round and round
and round, at last he reached the top. Ha Ha! The lighthouse keeper does not hear him. He
creeps behind the lighthouse keeper and plunges his knife in his back - with a gurgle, the
lighthouse keeper falls to the ground - he lies still. Crossbones Bill blows out the light - then
swiftly runs down the stairs, down, down, down , and down, and down, till he reaches the
bottom. Just as he leaves the door of the lighthouse he sees the fair Jacqueline coming from the
beach - he hides behind a tree - peeps out at her, and thinks how fair she is, and that after he gets
the gold, he will capture her and make her his own.
Jacqueline suddenly looks up - and sees that the light is out - she screams - and runs
home to her mother - they both point to the light - and then start to run up the lighthouse stairs round and round and round and round, and round and round - at last they reach the top - they see
the lighthouse keeper lying in a pool of blood - the wife screams - Jacqueline screams - they
both scream.
The first duty is to the light - Jacqueline lights it - then her mother goes for help Jacqueline stays with her father - her mother goes down the steps, down and down, down, and
down, and down. At last she reaches the bottom and flies off to find the coastguardsmen Crossbones Bill is still hiding behind the trees, and he sees the light beam out again, the
lighthouse keepers' wife come down again, he know the fair Jacqueline is alone.
63
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
He creeps out of his hiding place - once more with his knife in his teeth, he climbs up the
lighthouse stairs, round and round, and round, and round, and round. At last he reaches the top.
Jacqueline sees him and screams - he catches her from behind and tearing his scarf from his
neck, gags her mouth - then with a bit of rope from his waist he ties her hands - she is bound and
helpless. He blows the light out - When his men have snared the ship he will come back for her he creeps down the stairs, going down and down and down and down and down.
In the meantime Harry the Greaser has changed his mind about ending it all and has
decided to live a little longer. He is returning along the beach when he sees the lighthouse light
is out - this must be investigated. He is just at the door of the lighthouse when Crossbones Bill
comes out - Harry tackles him with his bare hands - they fight - Crossbones is overpowered.
Harry grabs the knife and plunges it into the heart of the villain, who falls dead at his feet. He
rushes up the lighthouse steps, round and round and round and round and round. All out of
breath - at the top of the stairs, he finds the fair Jacqueline - he clasps her in his arms - he
unbinds the rope - loosens the gag - she sees him as her hero - and clasps her arms around his
neck - all thought of the city boy fades away out of her heart forever. Then she remembers the
light - and points to it. Harry, trembling with happiness, finds the matches - and lights it up.
Then there are footsteps on the stairs - it is the lighthouse keepers' wife returning with
the coastguardsmen - they come up the steps, round and round and round and round and round
and round and round. They arrive at the top all panting. The wife kneels beside her husband, and
finds to her joy that he is not dead - the coastguardsmen lift him up and supporting him between
them go down the lighthouse steps, down, and down, and down, and down - the wife follows
with Harry and the fair Jacqueline. The story ends happily, for the lighthouse keeper recovers
and finds Harry the Greaser a Lighthouse of his own and he and the fair Jacqueline live happily
ever after.
64
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
TREE'S A CROWD
Words: Rob Lang Music: Felicia Chadwick
A
Introduction
B
I'm just a birdy in the tree,
And I'm not complaining but you see,
My wife told me to stay home and rest
But I'm sick of sitting on this nest.
C
Life isn't easy up here in the clouds
Wherever you go you can't escape the crowds
So if we ever have a chance to do our thing
We like to dance and sing.
To dance and sing is lots of fun,
And it's not telling lies,
To say we shake the neighbourhood,
When we all harmonize.
So if you see a shaking in the trees,
And if you hear a murmur on the breeze,
You can be sure we're singing it right out loud,
For we are, tree's a crowd.
D
Being so wise I wonder why,
I don't leave this tree and simply fly,
I can't stand the noise but I'm no mug,
'Cause I have a set of good ear plugs
E
Life isn't easy up here in the clouds
Wherever you go you can't escape the crowds
So if we ever have a chance to do our thing
We like to dance and sing.
To dance and sing is lots of fun,
And it's not telling lies,
To say we shake the neighbourhood,
When we all harmonize.
So if you see a shaking in the trees,
And if you hear a murmur on the breeze,
You can be sure we're singing it right out loud,
For we are, tree's a crowd.
F
I'm called a lyrebird,
But lying is not for me,
I can not fly as high as them,
And they aren't as pretty as me.
G
Life isn't easy up here in the clouds
Wherever you go you can't escape the crowds
So if we ever have a chance to do our thing
We like to dance and sing.
To dance and sing is lots of fun,
65
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
And it's not telling lies,
To say we shake the neighbourhood,
When we all harmonize.
So if you see a shaking in the trees,
And if you hear a murmur on the breeze,
You can be sure we're singing it right out loud,
For we are, tree's a crowd.
H
Life isn't easy up here in the clouds
Wherever you go you can't escape the crowds
So if we ever have a chance to do out thing
We like to dance and sing.
To dance and sing is lots of fun,
And it's not telling lies,
To say we shake the neighbourhood,
When we all harmonize.
So if you see a shaking in the trees,
And if you hear a murmur on the breeze,
You can be sure we're singing it right out loud,
For we are, tree's a crowd.
I
Playout
66
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
THE TEST
Adapted by Central Coast Gangshow
Front of TABS. Lights up. Three men are sitting on chairs looking nervous. Another man
is standing off to OP side.
EXAMINER: Good morning, and welcome to the train signal box operator promotion
examination. I am you examiner, Mr. Jones. I will be asking you all a series of
questions relating to signal box operations and procedures, and your exam results
will be based on your knowledge of these procedures. Now lets begin. (Walks to
first man) This first question is for you. You are in your signal box and you
notice that 2 trains are heading straight towards each other on the same track.
What do you do?
TEST SUBJECT 1:
Well, that's an easy one. I reach down to my control panel and press the signal
operation button. The crossing tracks will change and the 2 trains will miss each
other
EXAMINER: Very good. (He moves to next man) You press the signal operations button, but
it is broken. What do you do?
T.S.2:
That's easy as well. I run out of the signal box, down the stairs and along the
tracks to the manual over ride lever. I pull the lever, the tracks switch and the 2
trains miss each other.
EXAMINER: That's excellent (He moves to third man) You get to the manual over ride lever
to find that it has been hit by lightning. What do you do?
T.S.3:
Well, I then run back up to the signal box, go under the control panel, pull out
the wiring, strip back the insulation on the power and signal change wires, twist
them together which basically "hot-wires" the system, and the signals will change
and the 2 trains will miss each other.
EXAMINER: Wonderful. You get back to the signal box but you can't get in because it's on
fire. What do you do??
T.S.3:
Then I run down the road get my uncle George!
EXAMINER: (He looks bewildered) Why on earth would you go and get your uncle George?
T.S.3:
He's never seen a train crash.
Blackout
67
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
TERRORS IN THE MALL
Mike Richards & David Spencer
Scene is shopping mall with elevator with real opening doors. As lights come up a "ding" is
heard as the elevator doors open and the terrors emerge.
BUTCH:
That was great. Let's do it again, only this time, let's cut the cable.
ESMER:
Butch, I don't think we ought to be doing this.
BUTCH:
Why not Esmerelda?
ESMER:
Because, Clement is looking a bit green.
BUTCH:
Well it's no wonder, that's his fifth double caramel malted milkshake he's had this
morning. I'm not surprised he hasn't already thrown up.
(Butch snatches the milkshake from Clement and skulls it, spilling most of it on his
clothes.)
CLEMENT: I did.
(Clement mimes that he did it in the milkshake container to audience, laughing)
BUTCH:
Where?
(Butch doesn't see Clement, but realises, looks at milkshake container and looks up at
audience, appropriate reaction.)
ESMER:
Ha, ha, ha Butch, it serves you right for all the naughty things you've done.
BUTCH:
Ah shut-up Esmerelda. I hate girls. You know what's worse than girls? Nothing!
But if there was something worse than girls, it would be shopping with them!
According to my Sunday School Teacher God made woman in the likeness of
man, except that he made them with a shopping bag in one hand and daddys'
credit card in the other!
CLEMENT: Where is daddy, he only went to get the newspaper and he's been gone an awful
long time.
BUTCH:
He'll be a long time yet Clement.
ESMER:
How do you know that?
BUTCH:
Because he won't get past the Elle McPherson calendar at the front counter. The
Sydney Morning Herald hasn't got a hope with Elle in a bikini under some
fountain in Bali.
CLEMENT: Butch, I've got to go to the toilet.
BUTCH/ESMER: Clements' going to wet his pants, Clements' going to wet his pants.
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Central Coast Gangshow 2000
CLEMENT: Stop it! Stop it! I'm going to tell mummy, and she'll make you have a bath with
me.
BUTCH/ESMER:(Look at each other) YUK!
BUTCH:
You'll have to hold on until daddy gets back.
CLEMENT: I can't.
BUTCH:
(Handing him the empty milkshake container) Here, this is empty.
(Clement takes the container and looks around for some privacy, he can't find a private
place, so when the elevator door "dings" open he enters it and the door closes behind him)
ESMER:
Butch, daddys' not going to be very happy when he finds out what you did to the
shopping mall security man.
BUTCH:
Well, it serves him right for trying to trade gun fire with a kid armed with an M16
Terminator Water Canon. Anyway, all I did was this.
(He fires the water cannon out into the audience)
ESMER:
Daddy said he would buy me another Barbie Doll and a ribbon for my hair if I
was a good girl at the shopping mall today.
BUTCH:
A new Barbie doll? Excellent. Looks like my Rambo doll will have another dead
body to his credit tonight. And as for a ribbon in your hair, stick your head in this
and I'll give you a permanent ribbon.
(She produces a noose. The elevator door "dings" open and Clement emerges with a large
wet patch around his groin)
ESMER:
Oh Clement, what happened to your pants?
CLEMENT:
(On the verge of tears) I missed!
BUTCH:
Clements wet his pants! Clements wet his pants!
ESMER:
Stop it Butch, you're so mean! Anyway, how come you haven't gone to the toilet,
you've had just as many milkshakes as Clement?
BUTCH:
Ever wondered how my water cannon stays so full?
(She fires in into the audience)
CLEMENT: I wonder if dad has finished with Elle McPherson yet?
BUTCH:
(Looking on the ground) Wow, look what I found? Two ten dollar notes.
ESMER:
Butch, you should hand those into the security guard straight away.
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Central Coast Gangshow 2000
BUTCH:
After what I did to him, he's the last person I want to see. Anyway Esmerelda
haven't you heard mummy say when she steals daddys credit card, that
possession in nine tenths of the law.
ESMER:
Yes …. But …..
(Butch waves one of the ten dollar notes in front of her. She grabs one)
ESMER:
…. Okay ……. But don't tell mummy.
CLEMENT: Why because she'll smack you for not handing the twenty dollars in?
ESMER:
No, because she'll want half of it.
BUTCH:
Alright, lets split up and spend it.
CLEMENT: What about me?
BUTCH:
Clement, I'm not going shopping with someone who has wet his pants. It's not
very cool to go up to Wendys counter for a caramel malted milk with double icecream with somebody who outwardly appears to have a problem holding his
milkshakes.
ESMER:
Anyway Clement, you had better wait here for daddy. We'll bring you back
something from the shops. We'll be back soon, bye.
BUTCH:
Bye Clement. And incidentally, when you eventually dry out, your shorts will go
all crusty and stiff as if there's too much starch in them, so do your best to keep
them wet.
(Butch & Esmerelda exit in opposite directions. There is a moments silence. Clement
squirms in his shorts. He then picks his nose and scratches his bottom. He stand up and
finds that his shorts have gone "stiff". He tries to walk around but finds it difficult to walk
properly. He then discovers Butch's water cannon and squirts himself until he is soaking.
He then finds he can walk without any problem, Butch and Esmerelda re-enter. Butch has
a number of cream cakes and Esmerelda has an Elle McPherson calendar rolled up.)
BUTCH:
Well, ten dollars worth of cream cakes and a jumbo sized caramel malted
milkshake with double ice-cream. Here Esmerelda have one on me.
(The milkshake is a bucket with a straw hanging out of it. Butch throws one of the cakes at
Esmerelda who ducks and Clement cops it in the face.)
CLEMENT:
Butch, you ratfink.
(He takes a cake and throws it at Butch who ducks and it hits Esmerelda.)
ESMER:
Well boys and girls, mums and dads, should we?
(Looks to audience for response)
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Central Coast Gangshow 2000
(Esmerelda & Clement take one each. They throw just as Butch ducks. Esmerelda and
Clement get each others cake in their own faces.)
BUTCH:
Ha, ha, ha. You are two of the biggest Wallys around.
(By this time Clement has picked up the bucket of milkshake and pours it all over Butch.)
CLEMENT:
Oh dear, daddys going to kill us for wrecking our shopping clothes!
BUTCH:
Ah, don't worry, he and Elle will be another half an hour yet, that'll give us
enough time to get cleaned up. Well that's my ten dollars all spent. What did you
do with yours Esmerelda?
ESMER:
Well, I spent it on the only thing that would get daddy back from the newsagent
so he could take us home.
BUTCH:
And what's that?
ESMER:
An Elle McPherson calendar.
CLEMENT:
And here comes daddy.
ALL:
Help!!!!!!!!!
(They all run off screaming)
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Central Coast Gangshow 2000
SINGING A SONG
Peter Marriott
A
Introduction
B
Gang Show is almost over, almost run its' course
Gang Show can't go forever, we must close the doors
But here's the consolation we can all endorse
Gang Show will live in the songs we sing if you can sing-a-long
C
Singing a song, just simply singing a song
Will put the sun in its' place, you can count on it.
Singing along, with just any old song
Will put a smile on the face of everyone
So if you're feeling blue and don't know what to do,
Just mumble it, or hum a bit,
You will find you're sure to benefit.
Whistling's fine, and so is beating in time
It makes the clouds roll away, far away from here.
Follow the line, and you are certain to find
That there's a much brighter day, for everyone.
Though you don't need rehearsal,
Its' appeal is universal.
You'll bring sunshine when you're singing a song.
D
Singing a song, just simply singing a song
Will put the sun in its' place, you can count on it.
Singing along, with just any old song
Will put a smile on the face of everyone
So if you're feeling blue and don't know what to do,
Just mumble it, or hum a bit,
You will find you're sure to benefit.
Whistling's fine, and so is beating in time
It makes the clouds roll away, far away from here.
Follow the line, and you are certain to find
That there's a much brighter day, for everyone.
Though you don't need rehearsal,
Its' appeal is universal.
You'll bring sunshine when you're singing a song.
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Central Coast Gangshow 2000
FINALE
COMEDY TONIGHT
Stephen Sondheim
A
Introduction/Fanfare
B
Something familiar,
Something peculiar,
Something for ev'ryone,
A comedy tonight!
Something that's gaudy,
Something that's bawdy,
Something for everybody,
Comedy tonight!
Nothing that's grim,
Nothing that's Greek!
She plays Medea later this week.
Stunning surprises,
Cunning disgiuses,
Hundreds of actors out of sight!
Tragedy tomorrow, comedy tonight!
One -- two -- three!!!!
THIS LAND OF AUSTRALIA
Words & Music: Ken Bayly
C
Introduction
D
This land of Australia, this land of ours
Built into nationhood by bold pioneers.
We pray that thy people, ever may be,
A nation worthy of service to thee.
Proud of their heritage thy sons may be
So may their future be great and free.
May truth be her watch-word,
Peace be her way,
That every nation may honor her name.
MAKING MEMORIES
Ralph Reader
E
Introduction
F
We've been making memories for a long long time
It's a lovely thing to do, and we've made them all for you
We've been making memories, and if you're very smart,
You'll take each little memory and lock it in the pocket of your heart (Yeah)
Day and night and night and day the songs that we have sung
Have echoed over land and over seas
Already we have shared them with the friends we know
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Central Coast Gangshow 2000
Now we're going to leave them with you when you go
This is the best of legacies, it's ours for making memories.
GYPSY
Words: Ray Howden Music:Ken Bayly
G
H
Introduction
Chorus
In the winter when the night is cold,
See the campfire glowing bright and gold,
And hear the voices ringing, Gypsies singing
Songs they learnt in days of old.
With the gypsies there's a welcome here,
Fire to warm you and a cup to cheer.
And though the wind is blowing You'll be knowing
That your gypsy friends are near.
Strolling
Words & Music:Ralph Reader
I
J
K
L
Introduction
Strolling, just strolling In the cool of the evening air
I don't envy the rich in their automobiles,
For a motorcar is phoney, I'd rather have Shank's pony,
When I'm strolling, just strolling, with the light of the moon above
Everynight I go out strolling, And I know my luck is rolling,
When I'm strolling with the one I love
Let me be your friend
Words & Music: Rob Lang & Adam Wardell
Let me be your friend. I'll be there beside you,
When you need someone to lend a hand.
Let me be your friend. Someone to confide in,
I'm the one who'll always understand.
For friends are there when you despair,
With a shoulder you can cry on,
And friends will say a brighter day, Will shine on you tomorrow.
Let me be your friend, You and I such fun we'll share,
As we travel on without a care.
We will stick together and Our time will never end
Everyday's a lifetime, our friendship is the right kind,
So stay with me, and I will be
So stay with me and I will be your friend
With a Twinkle in your eye
Words & Music: Ralph Reader
Oh, the sun is always shining Shining in the sky
If you walk round this funny old earth
With a twinkle in your eye
There's a rainbow looking for you
It'll find you by and by
If you walk around with your face all smiles
And a twinkle in your eye
You'll be spreading happiness
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Central Coast Gangshow 2000
Down every single street You'll be giving happiness
To everyone you meet
And they'll bring you a four leaf clover
That's luck you can't deny
And you'll end up sitting on top of the world
With a twinkle in your eye
THE ROCK
Felicia Chadwick & Rob Lang
M
Introduction
N
You may have seen Sydney town
Marvelled at the Harbour Bridge
No matter what sights you've seen
There none like this
For it’s a huge monolith
Surrounded by featureless plain
With colours that never seem
Quite the same
O
Sun setting in a purple blaze
Sand stretching far beyond our gaze
This land has a magic
To make you turn and stop
In this place of endless wonder
It is simply called " the ro-ck"
LAST NIGHT I HAD A DREAM
Bruce Woodley
P
Introduction
Q
I am Australian as the tallest old gum tree
I am Australian a true blue dinky di
We are black and white and brown together
Let's all sing Waltzing Matilda
We are Australians all of us, you and I
R
I am Australia as the tallest old gum tree
I am Australia a true blue dinky di
We are black and white and brown together
Let's all sing Waltzing Matilda
We are Australians all of us, you and I
JUDICIAL RAG
Dennis Ankor
S
This court of law, it is a dignified place,
Dignified, refined.
Filled to brim with propriety,
Join us if you feel inclined.
This court of law, it is a dignified place,
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Central Coast Gangshow 2000
At this point of time.
Notwithstanding the rest, you know that it is the best,
For every type of crime.
This court of law (I'm a telling you)
Oh, this court of law.
The cases pending, are never ending,
And criminals ask for more!
This court of law (I'm a telling you)
Oh, this court of law.
And in every trial, you'll find them blocking the aisles,
In our court, this court of law
WHEN THE LION SLEEPS TONIGHT
T
Wim - o - weh, o - wim - weh, o - wim - weh - o wim - o - weh
o - wim -o - weh - o - wim - o - weh - o - wim - o - weh - o - wim - o - weh
U
In the jungle, the mighty jungle
The lion sleeps tonight
In the jungle, the mighty jungle
The lion sleeps tonight
V
In the village, the peaceful village
The lion sleeps tonight
In the village, the peaceful village
The lion sleeps tonight
W
Hush, my darling, don't cry my darling
The lion sleeps tonight
Hush, my darling, don't cry my darling
The lion sleeps tonight
SCOUTS AND GUIDES OF AUSTRALIA
Words & Music: Ken Bayly
X
Introduction
Y
The time to end our show has come ‘round once again
And just before we take our final bow
We just want to remind you of who we really are
Despite the many characters we play
Z
We’re the Scouts & Guides of Australia
Every single one in the show
That’s the secret of every Gang Show
That’s the reason why we’re here to tell you
Every time we sing our finale
We want to make it clear
That we wear our uniform so proudly
Scouts and Guides of gang Show
AA
Bows
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Central Coast Gangshow 2000
BB
COMEDY TONIGHT
Stephen Sondheim
Introduction/ Fanfare
CC
Something familiar,
Something peculiar,
Something for ev'ryone,
A comedy tonight!
Something appealing,
Something appalling,
Something for ev'ryone,
A comedy tonight!
No royal curse,
No trojan horse,
And a happy ending of course!
Goodness and badness,
Man in his madness,
This time it all turns out all right!
Tragedy Tomorrow!
Comedy tonight!
One -- two -- three!!!!
DD
Playout
Curtain down
Encore
TOGETHER
Words & Music: Ralph Reader
EE
Introduction
FF
Time once again for our parting song,
Time for our final bow,
But as we go our separate pathways,
Memories will linger on.
GG
Together, when we’re all together
We know how lucky we are
The world around us is everything,
The sound of music, the songs we sing,
And even in the coldest winter,
The warmest summer arrives,
We share together, when we’re together
The best years of our lives.
(I'VE HAD) THE TIME OF MY LIFE
Franke Previte, Donald Markowitz & John DeNicola
HH
Introduction
77
Central Coast Gangshow 2000
II
Males
Males
Females
Females
All
All
All
All
Males
Females
Males
Females
All
I've been waiting for so long,
Now I've finally found someone to stand by me.
We saw the writing on the wall
As we felt this magical fantasy.
Now with passion in our eyes
There's no way we could disguse it secretly
So we take each others hand,
Cause we seem to understand the urgency.
Just remember:
You're the one thing
I can't get enough of,
So I'll tell you something,
This could be love, because
JJ
All
I've had the time of my life;
No, I never felt this way before.
Yes I swear it's the truth,
And I owe it all to you.
KK
Females
Females
Males
Males
Females
Females
Males
Females
Males
All
With my body and soul
I want you more than you'll ever know.
So, we'll just let it go,
Don't be afraid to lose control.
Yes, I know what's on your mind
When you say, "Stay with me tonight."
Just remember: you're the one thing
I can't get enough of,
So I'll tell you something,
This could be love, because
LL
All
I've had the time of my life;
No, I never felt this way before.
Yes I swear it's the truth,
And I owe it all to you.
Because,
MM
All
I've had the time of my life,
And I've searched through every open door
Till I've found the truth,
And I owe it all to you.
NN
Instrumental
OO
Males
Males
Females
Males
Males
I've had the time of my life;
No, I never felt this way before.
(Never felt)
Yes I swear it's the truth,
And I owe it all to you.
PP
All
I've had the time of my life;
No, I never felt this way before.
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Central Coast Gangshow 2000
Yes I swear it's the truth,
And I owe it all to you.
Because,
QQ
All
I've had the time of my life;
No, I never felt this way before.
Yes I swear it's the truth,
And I owe it all to you.
Curtain Down
Pp
Playout
79