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UNDERGRADUATE WRITING ASSIGNMENTS
The degree of variation in undergraduate writing assignments is significant. The reason is
that teachers find it difficult to agree on the goals of freshman composition. Some believe it
should be a course in which students explore their identity. Others believe it should be a course
that radicalizes students to oppose the cultural mainstream. Still others believe it should be an
introduction-to-literature course. These diverse views on goals exist even though faculty outside
writing programs seem to believe that there is only one goal—to prepare students to meet the
standards and expectations of writing in content-area courses. The strength of this view among
faculty outside writing programs can be gauged by the fact that approximately 60% of all
colleges and universities nationwide have established writing-across-the-curriculum (WAC) or
writing-in-the-disciplines (WID) programs that are, in theory, designed to achieve that single
goal.
The sample assignments that follow come from schools with a WAC/WID orientation.
They were selected because outside this orientation, writing assignments in college composition
courses are in many respects similar to those we find in middle schools and high schools—which
we should view as disturbing on multiple levels. Look closely at the level of proficiency required
for high grades, as well as the emphasis on correct documentation and minimal surface errors.
Also worth examining is the fact that most of the assignments do not require a thesis statement.
Anonymous (Freshman Composition Class at a Southwest University)
Assignment 1
When people think about the environment, many of them commonly do so in terms of
pollution and climate change, often ignoring local environmental issues unless they experience a
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sudden and dire problem, such as contaminated drinking water. One reason is that environmental
problems tend to develop slowly over time and become topical when it may be too late for
remediation.
In 1950, the Orange County’s total population was 212,624; today, the US Census
Bureau estimates that it is 3,055,745. Although Orange County appears to be relatively free of
environmental concerns, this is not the case. During periods of heavy rain, human and animal
waste flows into the ocean and contaminates the beaches. Orange County has no reservoirs and
thus must import its water, which adds to the stresses on the entire ecosystem of the state. Most
of the existing thoroughfares were built in the 1970s and were not designed to handle a
population increase of 1437.2%. As a result, Orange County is experiencing increased air
pollution related to automobile emissions. In addition, during the 19th century, ranchers brought
in nonnative flora, such as wild mustard, that threatens and in some cases has driven to near
extinction indigenous species. Such problems are predicted to increase in severity in the years
ahead owing to continued population growth.
In a well-researched paper, examine two environmental issues that we face in Orange
County. You should focus on the relation between the county’s population growth and your
chosen issues. Things to consider: What is the predicted increase in the county’s population over
the next 30 years and how might it affect the issues you’ve chosen? Are there any forms/methods
of remediation that might be effective?
Your paper should be 5–8 pages, double spaced, and you should use the Chicago Manual
of Style documentation format for all references.
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Analysis
Prior to receiving the assignments, the teacher asked students to read a research paper
examining the effect of overpopulation on the environment of India. The paper discussed in
detail a plethora of environmental crises attributable to overpopulation, from water and air
pollution to soil erosion and loss of forestlands. The data predicted that unrestrained population
growth over the next 50 years will trigger catastrophic consequences. With this paper as a model,
students had a variety of factors to consider as they collected data for their own work.
We can see several interesting factors in this assignment. It requires, for example, a
significantly longer paper than the high school assignments. Moreover, it is the first assignment
in this website collection that aims to engage students in the kind of writing that they are
expected to produce in their content-area courses. It is readily congruent with assignments in
environmental studies and sociology. In addition, it is specific with respect to what students must
do to succeed, and the level of detail should signal to students that they will be expected to
produce a similarly detailed analysis.
Students Papers (Not all students submitted initial drafts for use with Preparing to Teach
Writing; all students did, however, produce at least two drafts before submission of the
final.)
Helena Yubin Kim (freshman)
Historical Background of Orange County, California
Orange County, California, was rich in agriculture in the early 19th century. The Orange
County Historical Society stated that “[f]arming became the backbone of the local economy.
Wine and raisin grapes, wheat, barley, and corn were all successful. In the 1870s, new irrigation
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systems were built, which allowed more trees crops to be planted, including walnuts, apricots,
and oranges.”1 In particular, Orange County was a major producer of Valencia oranges. By the
mid-1950s, Orange County’s suburbs began to expand, and new cities were incorporated such as
“Buena Park, Costa Mesa, La Palma, Garden Grove, Cypress, Westminster, Fountain Valley,
Los Alamitos, San Juan Capistrano, and Villa Park.”2 In addition, at the end of World War II,
many veterans settled in these communities, and the region expanded at a fast rate.3 Both the
prosperity in agriculture and the advancement of the suburbs led to an increase in the county
population. The total population reached one million in 1963.4
The Orange County’s Population and Density
Orange County is the third largest county in California. According to the US Census
Bureau, in 1960, the total population was 703,925.5 As of 2011, the population has increased by
more than four times to 3,055,745.6 Orange County 2012 Community Indicators Project
1. “A Brief History of Orange County California,” Orange County Historical Society, 2013,
http://www.orangecountyhistory.org/history-brief.html .
2. Ibid.
3. Ibid.
4. Ibid.
5. United States Census Bureau, Population of Counties by Decennial Census: 1900 to 1990,
(Orange County, CA: Government Printing Office, 1995),
www.census.gov/population/cencounts/ca190090.txt.
6. United States Census Bureau, Orange County California: State and County QuickFacts,
(Orange County, CA: Government Printing Office, 2013),
http://quickfacts.census.gov/qfd/states/06/06059.html.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A1]: A problem with
chronology. Given that WWII ended in
1945, this part should have come before the
part on the mid-1950s.
5
indicated that since the 1980s, the primary component of population change in Orange County
has been natural increase, which is calculated by births minus deaths. Another factor of Orange
County’s growth is derived from “[i]nternational immigration—largely from Asia and Latin
America—in the last 30 years, shifting the county’s proportion of foreign-born residents from 6%
in 1970 to 30% in 2010.”7 The fact that Orange County has attracted many international
immigrants shows that the county is a great place to live, and it produces the diversity of the
community.
Comment [A2]: Taken at face value,
these statements diminish the effect of
illegal immigration. Illegals have birth rates
that are 2-6 times higher than the native
population.
Comment [A3]: I don’t see how this
statement follows.
Census 2010 data reports that Orange County is one of the most densely populated areas
in the US, and its population density was 3,808 persons per square mile, an increase of 6% since
8
Comment [A4]: Please note that “data”
is plural, not singular. The singular form is
“datum.”
Comment [A5]: Shouldn’t this be “one
of the MORE”?
2000. Population density varies within the county, depending on land use. For instance, Santa
Ana has 11,913 persons per square mile. And, Santa Ana is well-known for having the highest
household size in the county (4.43), compared to Orange County’s average household size
(2.97).9 The Santa Ana River Watershed plays an important role in developing the areas and
attracting people and industries.
Comment [A6]: Another sentence that
doesn’t follow from those above.
Environmental Challenges
Air pollution is the most neglected environmental problem, but it is easily preventable to
improve public health. It is important to make a connection between our daily necessities,
automobiles, with the environmental issues. In Environmental Health Perspectives, Jun Wu
et al., found a significant correlation between traffic-generated air pollution, preeclampsia,
and preterm delivery in the South Coast Air Basin: “[e]xposures to local traffic-generated
7. Orange County Government, 2012 Community Indicators Project (PDF), (Orange County,
CA: Government Printing Office, 2012), www.ocgov.com/about/infooc/facts/indicators.
8. Ibid., 7.
9. Ibid., 7.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A7]: You always should
strive to have real subjects in sentences.
6
air pollution modeled with CALINE4 for the entire pregnancy elevated the risk of preterm
birth and preeclampsia.”10 Furthermore, another research from Environmental Health
Perspectives, introduced Kelly Moore et al.’s findings on the associations between “current
levels of O3 in Southern California and use of hospital services for asthma.”11 Also, the study
observed that hospital admissions in children with asthma increase and are expected to
continue.12 Similarly, Orange County 2006 Community Indicator Project reported that “as of
2003, approximately one out of seven children in Orange County has been diagnosed with
asthma at some point, up from one in 10 in 2001.”13 Motor vehicles are the culprit of these
health issues in Orange County, and they are closely related with the population growth.
Comment [A8]: A very unhappy
sentence. Can you see why?
Comment [A9]: Unclear. What do you
mean?
Comment [A10]: Ungrammatical.
Comment [A11]: Shouldn’t this be
“related to”? Also, cars are not related to
population growth. There numbers are. See
the difference?
10. Jun Wu, Cizao Ren, Ralph J. Delfino, Judith Chung, Michelle Wilhelm, and Beate Ritz,
“Association between Local Traffic-Generated Air Pollution and Preeclampsia and Preterm
Delivery in the South Coast Air Basin of California,” Environmental Health Perspectives
117, no.11 (2009), 1778, Academic Search Premier, EBSCO host.
11. Kelly Moore, Romain Neugebauer, Fred Lurmann, Jane Hall, Vic Brajer, Sianna Alcorn, and
Ira Tager, “Ambient Ozone Concentrations Cause Increased Hospitalizations for Asthma in
Children: An 18-Year Study in Southern California,” Environmental Health Perspectives 116,
no. 8 (2008), 1069, Academic Search Premier, EBSCOhost
12. Orange County Government, 2006 Community Indicators Project (PDF), (Orange County,
CA: Government Printing Office, 2006),
http://www.oc.ca.gov/pdf/2006%20Cip%20report.pdf.
13. Orange County Government, 2006 Community Indicators Project (PDF), (Orange County,
CA: Government Printing Office, 2006),
http://www.oc.ca.gov/pdf/2006%20Cip%20report.pdf.
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According to the California Air Resources Board, as Orange County’s population increases,
so does the number of vehicles, an increase from 1,948,920 in 2001 to 2,367,940 in 2012. 14
Likewise, daily vehicle fuel consumption of both gasoline and diesel accelerated from 4,072
thousands of gallons per day in 2001 to 4,565 thousands of gallons per day. 15 Thus, the
more cars on the roads, the worse air quality becomes.
Whereas people think water pollution comes from the polluted ocean, the major sources
Comment [A12]: Well, this sentence
makes the previous one unnecessary,
doesn’t it?
Comment [A13]: You need to explicitly
relate air quality to the amount of gasoline
used. Otherwise, it doesn’t make much
sense.
of water pollution, in fact, begin from their lawns and neighborhoods. For instance, litter,
Comment [A14]: How can pollution
come from the ocean? This is unclear.
cigarette butts, plastics, fertilizers, pesticides, motor oil and grease, and even pet wastes
Comment [A15]: Wrong preposition
again.
significantly contribute to contaminating water quality in Orange County. These are called “nonpoint source” pollution. Non-point source pollution (NPS) is directly involved with human
beings’ daily life. As a result of people’s careless treatments of NPS in their neighborhoods,
stormwater and urban runoff pollution occur. The effects of NPS pollution can equally harm both
public health and marine life. As for the public health issues, Archives of Environmental &
Occupational Health presented a study by Mitchell V. Brinks et al., claiming that “coastal water
contamination in Southern California is associated with a considerable health risk…the large
Comment [A16]: Please delete the extra
space separating the footnotes below.
numbers of illnesses that occur when bathers recreate in coastal waters with “acceptable”
contamination levels raise significant concerns about current water-quality standards.”16 For
14. California Environmental Protection Agency Air Resources Board, Orange County Human
Population, (Orange County, CA: Government Printing Office, 2009) ,
http://www.arb.ca.gov/app/emsinv/trends/ems_trends_results.php .
15. California Environmental Protection Agency Air Resources Board, Orange County Daily
Vehicle Fuel Consumption (Gasoline and Diesel), (Orange County, CA: Government
Printing Office, 2009).
16. Mitchell V. Brinks, Ryan H. Dwight, Nathaniel D. Osgood, Gajapathi Sharavanakumar,
David J Turbow, Mahmoud El-Gohary, Joshua S. Caplan, Jan C. Semenza, “Health Risk of
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A17]: You have a serious
problem with your reference notes. Please
refer to your handbook for proper
formatting.
8
instance, the bacteria, protozoa, and viruses from the ocean can cause diseases such as
gastroenteritis, diarrhea, and respiratory infection.17 When water pollution problems appear,
people tend to be only concerned about its harmful effects on human beings such as drinking
water supplies. Yet, the ocean ecosystem suffers the same owing to people’s neglectful
household activities and human-made pollutants. For example, in BioScience, Nathaniel L.
Scholz et al. examined the connection “between modern pesticides and the decline of pelagic
fishes in the San Francisco Estuary (California)”, stating that NPS pollution can interrupt
preserving aquatic systems.18 The study also pointed out that human population growth and
Bathing in Southern California Coastal Waters,” Archives of Environmental & Occupational
Health 63, no. 3 (2008), 131.
http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=aph&AN=35053668&site=ehostlive .
17. OCBeachinfo, 2011 Annual Ocean and Bay Water Quality Report (Orange County,
California: County of Orange, 2011), 3.
http://www.ocbeachinfo.com/downloads/reports/2011oceanreport.pdf .
18. Nathaniel L. Scholz, Erica Fleishman, Larry Brown, Inge Werner, Michael L. Johnson,
Marjorie L. Brooks, Carys L. Mitchelmore, and Daneil Schlenk, “A Perspective on Modern
Pesticides, Pelagic Fish Declines, and Unknown Ecological Resilience in Highly Managed
Ecosystems,” BioScience 62, no. 4 (2012), 429,
http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=aph&AN=74467138&site=ehostlive .
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urbanization in coastal watersheds results in an increase in toxic runoff.19 This study suggests the
necessity of reducing the population growth for the environmental benefits.
Comment [A18]: This paragraph is far
too long.
Remediation
It is imperative that people restore the environmental problems before it is too late. First,
stopping the population growth is crucial. One argues that limiting the construction of new
Comment [A19]: Indent paragraphs.
Comment [A20]: The assignment did
not call for an argument, so this statement is
inappropriate.
housing would help decrease the population growth. Yet, the U.S. Census Bureau indicated that
total housing units, in the years between 1970-1979 and 2005 or later, decreased significantly by
235,170.20 Instead, the population continued to accelerate. Moreover, residents in Orange County,
who own two, or three or more vehicles, account for approximately 66.6%.21 Thus, encouraging
each household to have less than two cars is more effective to contribute to a decrease in
automobiles. In Environmental Health Perspectives, Jun Wu et al, found interesting evidence
that “fresh vehicle emissions contain more toxic compounds per unit of particle mass than do
Comment [A21]: What you have
written is unclear because you haven’t
provided enough information. How are you
defining “total housing units”? If OC has
fewer places for people to live, yet the
population has increased, where are they
living?
Comment [A22]: Another unhappy
construction.
Comment [A23]: “Less” is used with
measures of volume; “fewer” is used with
countable measures. Please take note.
aged aerosols,” explaining why used cars are better alternatives than new ones concerning cost
and the environment.
Improving water quality in Orange County requires residents’ cautious dealings with
common pollutants. OC Watersheds suggest sweeping up debris and dispose of it in the trash, or
hosing down driveway, sidewalk, gutter, or storm drain flows to the ocean.22 Also, it is
19. Ibid., 428.
20. U.S. Census Bureau, Selected Housing Characteristics 2007-2011 American Community
Survey 5-Year Estimates (Orange County, CA: Government Printing Office, 2007), 1.
21. Ibid., 2.
22. Orange County Watersheds, Ocean Begins Here, (Orange County, CA: Government Printing
Office).
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Comment [A24]: Please correct the font
size in the footnotes that follow #20.
10
recommended to take one’s vehicle to a commercial car wash, or to use car detergents labeled
non-toxic, phosphate-free or biodegradable.23 Residents should not overwater lawns that contain
fertilizers, pesticides, and other chemicals, since these chemicals can be washed into storm drains
during heavy rainfall.24 At the beaches, feeding wild animals or birds is banned; their droppings
can significantly increase bacteria levels in the ocean.25 Following these simple guidelines will
help conserve the environment, and a healthy environment will benefit the well-being of human
beings.
Bibliography
“A Brief History of Orange County California.” Orange County Historical Society. 2013.
http://www.orangecountyhistory.org/history-brief.html.
United States Census Bureau. Population of Counties by Decennial Census: 1900 to 1990.
Orange County, CA: Government Printing Office, 1995.
United States Census Bureau. Orange County California: State and County Quickfacts. Orange
County, CA: Government Printing Office, 2013.
Orange County Government. 2012 Community Indicators Project (PDF). Orange County, CA:
Government Printing Office, 2012.
Wu, Jun, Cizao Ren, Ralph J. Delfino, Judith Chung, Michelle Wilhelm, and Beate Ritz.
“Association between Local Traffic-Generated Air Pollution and Preeclampsia and Preterm
23. .Ibid.
24. Ibid.
25. .OCbeachinfo, Frequently Asked Questions 10. What can I do to help improve water quality
at the Beach?, (Orange County, CA: Government Printing Office).
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Delivery in the South Coast Air Basin of California.” Environmental Health Perspectives 117,
no. 11 (2009). 1773-1779. Academic Search Premier, EBSCO host.
Moore, Kelly, Romain Neugebauer, Fred Lurmann, Jane Hall, Vic Brajer, Sianna Alcorn, and Ira
Tager. “Ambient Ozone Concentrations Cause Increased Hospitalizations for Asthma in
Children: An 18-Year Study in Southern California.” Environmental Health Perspectives 116, no
8, (2008). 1063-1070. Academic Search Premier, EBSCO host.
Orange County Government. 2006 Community Indicators Project (PDF). Orange County, CA:
Government Printing Office, 2006.
California Environmental Protection Agency Air Resources Board. Orange County Human
Population. Orange County, CA: Government Printing Office, 2009.
California Environmental Protection Agency Air Resources Board. Orange County Daily
Vehicle Fuel Consumption (Gasoline and Diesel). Orange County, CA: Government Printing
Office, 2009.
United States Environmental Protection Agency. What is Nonpoint Source Pollution?.
Government Printing Office, 2012.
Scholz, Nathaniel L., Erica Fleishman, Larry Brown, Inge Werner, Michael L. Johnson, Marjorie
L, Brooks, Carys L. Mitchelmore, and Daniel Schlenk. “A Perspective on Modern Pesticides,
Pelagic Fish Declines, and Unknown Ecological Resilience in Highly Managed Ecosystems.”
BioScience 62, no. 4 (2012). 428-434.
Brinks, Mitchell V., Ryan H. Dwight, Nathaniel D. Osgood, Gajapathi Sharavanakumar, David J.
Turbow, Mahmoud El-Gohary, Joshua S. Caplan, and Jan C. Semenza. “Health Risk of Bathing
in Southern California Coastal Waters.” Archives of Environmental & Occupational Health 63,
no. 3 (2008). 123-135.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
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OC beachinfo. 2011 Annual Ocean and Bay Water Quality Report. Orange County, CA:
Government Printing Office, 2011.
United States Census Bureau. Selected Housing Characteristics 2007-2011 American
Community Survey 5-Year Estimates. Orange County, CA: Government Printing Office, 2007.
Orange County Watersheds. Ocean Begins Here. Orange County, CA: Government Printing
Office, (n.d.).
OCbeachinfo. Frequently Asked Questions 10. What can I do to help improve water quality at
the beach?. Orange County, CA: Government Printing Office, (n.d.).
Analysis
The professor’s comments identify correctly the more important issues. Helena failed to
provide much detail, especially with regard to population growth and its effect on the
environment. This is what the “global level” comment is about—lack of detail. Note the brevity
Comment [A25]: Ok, you cover most of
the basics in this paper, but you could have
done a better job if you had edited more
carefully. You need to pay particular
attention to word choice and sentence
structure. You can get some assistance with
both in the writing center, and I encourage
you to go there frequently on the next
assignment. Note that your formatting for
your bibliography is incorrect.
On a more global level, you need to think
more deeply about underlying issues, and
you need to explore them more fully in your
writing. You can do better than this.
Grade = C+
of the first paragraph, which deals with historical background. One simply cannot think it
possible to cram 150 years of history into nine sentences. In addition, the “think more deeply”
comment suggests that Helena should be more reflective, which would move her beyond the
surface-level discussion of issues that she provided.
Unlike any of the middle school and high school papers, we here have the teacher’s
comments, which provide some insight into how he read the paper, what he looked for, and what
he hoped to teach through those comments. Seeing a grade for the first time also should be
helpful. Given the discussion of grading in Preparing to Teach Writing, I would suggest that the
professor was being generous here, probably because it was the student’s first assignment. The
faulty bibliography is a major flaw, but it does not appear to have been factored heavily into the
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
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assessment. A more objective assessment probably would have resulted in a grade of C or C-.
The C+ grade is reinforced by the final comment: “You can do better than this.”
Bryanna Streeter (freshman)
The Effects of Population Growth on Costal Water Contamination and Coastal Air Pollution in
Orange County
The Issue of Population Growth in Orange County
The world’s population rose from about 2.6 billion to about 6.8 billion between 1950 and
2009, with the potential to reach a total of 11 billion by 2050.1 Orange County is currently
California’s third most populous county. What started out as a measly 216,224 in 19502 jumped
to an estimated 3,010,232 in 2010.3 Furthermore, population levels are expected to continue
1. J. Joseph Speidel et al., “Population Policies, Programmes and the Environment,”
Philosophical Transactions: Biological Sciences 364, no. 1532 (2009), 3049, http://
www.jstor.org/stable/40486091.
2. Campbell Gibson, Population Totals by Township and Place for California Counties: 1860
to 1950, California Department of Finance, 2005, Table A-1, http://
www.dof.ca.gov/research/demographic/reports/census-surveys/totals_1860-1950/.
3. U.S. Census Bureau: State and County QuickFacts, United States Census Bureau, last
modified January 10, 2013, http://quickfacts.census.gov/qfd/states/06/06059.html.
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growing to about 3,565,648 in the year 2050.4 This increase has created many environmental
issues to deal with. The greater population density has put more pressure on the availability of
scarce natural resources and has contributed to the spread of pollution. Even though Orange
County is primarily a suburban community, it is still home to serious environmental problems.
Water contamination and air pollution are two of the biggest issues due to the county’s rapid
population growth, especially along its coastal areas.
Coastal Water Contamination in Orange County
Orange County has undergone drastic development and urbanization over the past years.
Dwight et al. noted in the article “Association of Urban Runoff with Coastal Water Quality in
Orange County, California” that “highly urbanized areas can contribute to infectious and toxic
chemical pollutants to the aquatic environment through nonpoint source urban runoff.” 5 The
advancement of urbanization in Orange County has created urban runoff that contaminates the
rivers, making urban river discharge Southern California’s primary source of coastal water
pollution. Dwight et al. further stated the water near the mouths of the Los Angeles, San Gabriel,
and Santa Ana Rivers all had much higher coliform bacteria levels than areas away from the
rivers. Crystal Cove, the site farthest from the rivers, had the best recorded water quality,
4. Walter Schwarm, Interim Projections of Population for California and Its Counties 2010–
2050, California Department of Finance, May 2012, Table A1, http://
www.dof.ca.gov/research/demographic/reports/projections/interim/view.php.Ibid., 22
5. Ryan H. Dwight et al., “Association of Urban Runoff with Coastal Water Quality in Orange
County, California,” Water Environmental Research 74, no. 1 (2002), 82, http://
www.jstor.org/stable/25045575.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A26]: Good introduction,
but notice the disjunction between the first
two sentences.
15
suggesting the river mouths were the source of the contamination.6 These high bacterial pollution
levels put the public living near and swimming in these Northern Orange County recreational
beach areas at risk of disease, threatening their health and safety.
Another coastal area with a history of high pollution levels is the Southern California
Bight, a curved coastline that extends from Point Conception to San Diego and includes several
Orange County beaches. Greater densities of urbanized housing built for the growing population
have increased the amount of sewage and waste output. Sewage treatment plants in the Bight
region have been dumping waste into the Pacific Ocean for decades. The National Research
Council indicated pathogenic contamination caused by discharge of raw sewage reached a peak
in the 1940s that caused many beaches in the Santa Monica Bay and Orange County areas to be
closed down.7 Since then, bacteria levels have lowered considerably thanks to health measures
minimizing pipeline sludge discharge and requiring sewage to go through primary and secondary
treatments instead of being dumped raw. Even so, contamination in the coastal Bight waters still
remains potentially harmful to swimmers.
The National Research Council mentioned water pollution along the Bight has also been
attributed to oil and tar discharge, harming the environment with beach spills, and killing various
populations of fish species near shore waters.8 Fossil fuels such as oil are necessary resources
that most people rely on for energy to power their vehicles. Congressman Ken Calvert observed
6. Ibid., 87
7. National Research Council Staff, Monitoring Southern California’s Coastal Waters
(Washington, DC: National Academies Press, 1990), 25–26, LC Call Number: GC1556.N38
1990eb.
8. Ibid., 22
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A27]: I like the level of
detail that you are providing.
16
that “population growth has been closely followed by increased demands on transportation
infrastructure.”9 A higher population level means more cars on the road, contributing to
increased oil drilling and production of oil from various companies.
Coastal Air Pollution in Orange County
Air pollution also presents a huge threat in the coastal Orange County area. The past
century’s incredible advancements in technology have made vehicles a typical commodity in the
United States. Although eco-friendly cars are slowly gaining recognition in the market, the
majority of vehicles emit harmful gases that pollute the air. There are “[F]our major commuter
and truck transport freeways” that exist in Orange County, all containing hundreds of thousands
of vehicles releasing toxic emissions.10 “Over 250,000 automobiles use the 91 freeway daily to
commute between Orange and Riverside Counties,” Congressman Calvert noted, “and the
number of cars is expected to nearly double in the coming years.”11 This is from only one of the
four freeways. Take into account the hundreds of thousands more cars on other highways and
residential streets, and the magnitude of the issue becomes apparent.
A study conducted by Jun Wu et al. in the South Coast Air Basin of California concluded
that exposure to local traffic-generated air pollution, specifically nitrogen oxides
particulate matter (
) and
), increases the risk of preterm birth and preeclampsia in pregnant
9. Congressman Ken Calvert, “Transportation,” http://calvert.house.gov/issues/issue/
IssueID=4775.
10. Jun Wu et al., “Association between Local Traffic-Generated Air Pollution and Preeclampsia
and Preterm Delivery in the South Coast Air Basin of California,” Environmental Health
Perspectives 117, no. 11 (2009), 1774, doi: 10.1289/ehp.0800334.
11. Calvert, “Transportation.”
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
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women and is “associated with adverse reproductive outcomes.”12 In this way, population
expansion is actually leading to the deterioration of health among the populace.
Actions Taken Toward Remediation
Orange County is gradually developing programs with the potential to help eradicate the
pollution problem. The South Coast Air Quality Management District recently approved a
measure that seeks to ensure emission reduction goals are met for Los Angeles and Long Beach
ports. Chairman William A. Burke stated, “If the ports’ voluntary pollution reductions don’t
occur on time, AQMD’s regulation will require them to develop additional measures to address
the shortfall.”13 In addition, AQMD approved a funding project for cleaner Metrolink
locomotives. If successful, the project will decrease nitrogen oxide emissions by 231.2 tons per
year and particulate matter by pollution 7.3 tons per year.14
Although previous measures have been taken to reduce water contamination caused by
sewage dumping and oil spills, it has not been enough to keep California’s coastal areas
pollution-free. One of the major drawbacks of having a large population in a small area is not
being able to find available space for waste disposal. Orange County officials should seek a more
suitable and non-harmful location for sewage and other waste dumping instead of the Pacific
12. Ibid., 1778
13. South Coast Air Quality Management District, “AQMD Approves Clean Air Plan
Amendment to Ensure Ports Meet Clean Air Goals,” AQMD, last modified February 6, 2013,
http://www.aqmd.gov/news1/2013/bs020513.htm.
14. Ibid.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A28]: Good use of a
reference here.
18
Ocean. Until then, more sewage treatment plants should be established to create cleaner sewage,
and oil companies should monitor their methods better to prevent oil leakages.
Conclusion
The environmental issues of contaminated coastal water and air pollution have been
unfortunate outcomes of rising population growth in Orange County. These issues also present a
threat to the continuously growing community, with possible consequences such as the spread of
disease. Not only does the population growth negatively affect the environment through
pollution, but the contaminated environment in turn negatively affects us. In regard to the
predicted population increases, it is unlikely measures such as stricter immigration laws or
greater advocating of contraception will stop the influx. The citizens of Orange County should
focus their efforts more on accommodating to the projected numbers of the future rather than
decreasing the population altogether. The county should attempt to keep households more spread
out so that the concentration of waste and smog can be reduced.
Bibliography
Calvert, Ken. “Transportation.” http://calvert.house.gov/issues/issue/?IssueID=4775.
Dwight, Ryan H., Jan C. Semenza, Dean B. Baker, and Betty H. Olson. “Association of Urban
Runoff with Coastal Water Quality in Orange County, California.” Water Environmental
Research 74, no. 1 (2002). 82–90. http://www.jstor.org/stable/
25045575.
Gibson, Campbell. Population Totals by Township and Place for California Counties: 1860 to
1950. California Department of Finance. (2007). Table A-1. http://
www.dof.ca.gov/research/demographic/reports/census-surveys/totals_1860-1950/.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
19
National Research Council Staff. Monitoring Southern California’s Coastal Waters (Washington,
DC: National Academies Press, 1990). 25–26. LC Call Number: GC1556.N38 1990eb.
Speidel, J. Joseph, Deborah C. Weiss, Sally A. Ethelston, and Sarah M. Gilbert. “Population
Policies, Programmes and the Environment.” Philosophical Transactions: Biological
Sciences 364, no. 1532 (2009). 3049–3065. http://www.jstor.org/stable/40486091.
Schwarm, Walter. Interim Projections of Population for California and Its Counties 2010–2050,
California Department of Finance. May 2012. Table A1. http://
www.dof.ca.gov/research/demographic/reports/projections/interim/view.php.
South Coast Air Quality Management District. “AQMD Approves Clean Air Plan Amendment to
Ensure Ports Meet Clean Air Goals.” South Coast Air Quality Management District. Last
modified February 6, 2013. http://www.aqmd.gov/
news1/2013/bs020513.htm.
U.S. Census Bureau: State and County QuickFacts. United States Census Bureau. Last modified
January 10, 2013. http://quickfacts.census.gov/qfd/states/06/06059.html.
Wu, Jun, Cizao Ren, Ralph J. Delfino, Judith Chung, Michelle Wilhelm, and Beate Ritz.
“Association between Local Traffic-Generated Air Pollution and Preeclampsia and
Preterm Delivery in the South Coast Air Basin of California.” Environmental Health
Perspectives 117, no. 11 (2009). 1773–1779. doi: 10.1289/ehp.0800334.
Comment [A29]: Good work overall.
Nice attention to detail, and your writing is
clear, easy to read. Keep up the good work.
Grade = A
Analysis
Bryanna’s paper is only two paragraphs longer than Helena’s, so why did it receive a
significantly higher grade? I would suggest that there are three factors that account for the higher
assessment. First, this paper has a bit more detail the Helena’s. Second, the writing is much
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
20
clearer, easier to read. Third, Bryanna’s documentation was flawless. It is very unusual for a
freshman to be able to write at this level, which is probably another factor in the professor’s
assessment.
Certainly, there are some problems. As the professor noted, there is a significant
disjunction between the first two sentences. Bryanna should have made some connection
between the world population and the population of Orange County. But if we compare this first
paragraph with Helena’s we see that Bryanna focused on population, whereas Helena did not.
This difference is important because the assignment and the related reading dealt with the
question of population and the environment. Thus, Bryanna’s response was more focused on
what the assignment actually asked students to explore.
Jonathan Junqua (Freshman)
Environmental Issues Facing a Growing Population in Orange County
Intro
Orange County is the 6th largest county in the US, inhabited by 3,055,745 people.1 And
this number will grow. According to United States Census Bureau estimates, the Orange County
population was projected to increase from 3,017,598 people in 2010 to 3,055,745 in 2011, a total
1.
“Resident Population Estimates for the 100 Largest U.S. Counties Based on July 1, 2011
Population Estimates: April 1, 2010 to July 1, 2011,” United States Census Bureau, U.S.
Department of Commerce, 2011,
http://www.census.gov/popest/data/counties/totals/2011/index.html/.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A30]: What impression
would you create in a real writing situation
were you to use this heading?
21
increase of 38,147 people.2 And according to RAND California Population and Statistics, the
population is projected to reach 3,987,625 by the year 2050.3 This is a 30.5% increase from the
estimate in 2011 by the US Census Bureau. If this rapid growth rate continues, the population
will double the 2011 population by the year 2141, a span of only 130 years. With such a large
increase in the future, urban sprawl is inevitable. More land than ever before will be covered
with homes, roads, and shopping centers, increasing the amount of runoff that flows into the
ocean. And when population increases, the volume of sewage pumped into the sea also increases.
These two factors, sewage and urban runoff, are hurting our well-being both physically and
economically by adversely affecting the coastal waters of Orange County.
Runoff and Sewage Diseases/Costs
Sewage
Huntington and Newport Beach are popular Orange County tourist destinations, hosting
over 5.5 million people in the course of a year.4 Many people swim or play in the water without
hesitation, but is the water really safe? Orange County produced 900 million liters of sewage per
day during the year 2005, all pumped into the sea 8 kilometers off shore.5 And the volume of
2. Ibid.
3.
“Population Projections by Ethnicty and Age,” RAND California Population and
Demographic Statistics, RAND Corporation, 2010, http://ca.rand.org/cgi-bin/annual.cgi/.
4. Ryan H. Dwight, Linda M. Fernandez, Dean B. Baker, Jan C. Semenza, and Betty H. Olson,
“Estimating the economic burden from illness associated withrecreational coastal water
pollution—a case study in Orange County, California,” Journal of Environmental
Management 76 (2005), 97, doi:10.10106/jjenvman.2004.11.017.
5. Ibid., 98.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A31]: Here is where our
activity on reducing prepositional phrases
would have made the writing clearer—had
you applied the lesson.
Comment [A32]: Given that he
population of the entire state has nearly
quadrupled in 50 years, doubling in 130
doesn’t seem very impressive.
Comment [A33]: Perhaps, but OC’s
recent history has been one of suburban
sprawl; it really is not an urban
environment.
Comment [A34]: It seems you are not
clear on the difference between and urban
and a suburban environment.
Comment [A35]: This idea appears
abruptly. You should have established a
more direct connection between suburban
growth and the environment. At this point,
the entire paragraph has been about growth,
with no mention of the environment. You
should have made an earlier connection.
Comment [A36]: The formatting of
your reference notes below is incorrect.
They should be flush left, not indented.
Comment [A37]: Again, here’s a place
where eliminating unnecessary
prepositional phrases would have improved
the clarity.
Comment [A38]: Rhetorical questions
like this are common in journalism but not
in academic writing. You should avoid
them.
22
sewage will continue to increase as more and more people live in Orange County. Most
sanitation facilities have recently reached the USA federal law standards, and treated sewage is
not the main instigator of coastal pollution today.6 Now this improvement is expected to make
Comment [A39]: Your reference here is
unclear.
the water safer to swim in. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Even if sewage is treated, it still
Comment [A40]: Unclear. Can you see
why?
contains many pathogenic bacteria, viruses, and protozoans that have survived the sanitation
process, all of which can cause disease.7 However, the treated sewage is less polluting than urban
runoff, which is currently the major pollutant in recreational waters.
Comment [A41]: Unclear.
Runoff
Large amounts of urban runoff today occur from the utilization of water-impervious
building materials like asphalt, tile, and concrete that cannot trap the water from rainfall and lets
it wash away to the ocean instead.8 Runoff contains the afore-mentioned pesticides and
herbicides, but also includes animal feces, unprocessed or involuntarily leaked sewage, and
fertilizer, all of which heavily pollute the environment.9 The runoff comes from over 2600 km²
6. Ibid., 96.
7. Mitchell V. Brinks, Ryan H. Dwight, Nathaniel D. Osgood, Gajapathi Gajapathi
Sharavanakumar, David J. Turbow, Mahmoud El-Gohary, Joshua S. Caplan, and Jan C.
Semenza, “Health Risk of Bathing in Southern California Coastal Waters,” Archives of
Environmental &Occupational Health 63, no. 3 (2008), 124, doi:10.3200/AEOH.63.3.123135.
8. Michael A. Mallin, Kathleen E. Williams, E. Cartier Esham, and R. Patrick Lowe, “Effect of
Human Development on Bacteriological Water Quality Coastal Watersheds,” Ecological
Applications, 10, no. 4 (2000), 1052, doi:10.2307/2641016
9. Dwight, “Estimating the Economic Burden from Illnesses,” 96.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A42]: Doesn’t it also include
oils from automobiles?
23
of urbanized land and has a huge impact on the sanitary condition of beaches, considering that 95%
Comment [A43]: Don’t you mean
“effect”?
of bacteria present in the estuaries and water bodies are due to runoff.10,11
Since none of the runoff concoction of toxins and organic matter is processed before
reaching the oceans or bays, it is far more dangerous than processed sewage due to runoff’s
Comment [A44]: Remember the lesson
on the semantic content of subordinating
conjunctions? You are expected to apply it.
greater potential to cause diseases. Pollution from urban runoff and sewage can cause many
diseases including gastroenteritis, acute respiratory disease, and eye, ear, and skin infections,
which can have large economic effects in terms of healthcare.12 In a study of the monetary cost
from illnesses caused by swimming at Huntington and Newport Beach, only the four
aforementioned common diseases were tested for and rare diseases like hepatitis that may have
higher treatment costs were excluded.13 It is estimated that gastroenteritis cases cost about $1.3
million a year, $951,378 a year for acute respiratory disease cases, $767,221 a year for ear
infections, and $304,335 per year for eye infections, totaling about $3.3 million a year. 14 This is
a large burden on the local health care system from the recreational ocean water exposures of
only two beaches. Furthermore, the total is an understatement since only a small portion of
diseases caused by the recreational waters were taken into account. If the total health cost of all
ocean exposures caused illnesses was computed, the amount of capital needed would be
enormous.
10. Ibid., 98
11. Mallin, “Effect of Human Development,” 1054.
12. Dwight, “Estimating the Economic Burden from Illnesses,” 95.
13. Ibid., 100.
14. Ibid., 99.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A45]: When you join to
independent clauses with a coordinating
conjunction, you must use a comma. We
went over this in class.
24
Nitrogen fertilizer from agricultural and urban runoff indirectly causes increased risk of
disease for swimmers at Orange County beaches. Large concentrations of nitrogen in the ocean
can produce harmful algal blooms that release neurotoxins into the water. Examples are
Brevetoxins and Saxitoxins, which both affect the nervous system by making nerve conduction
more difficult, potentially causing paralysis.15 Excess nitrogen can also cause more frequent
occurrences of West Nile virus, malaria, swimmer’s itch, and cholera.16 Nitrogen in the form of
nitrate can increase the total number and survival time of fecal bacteria, which increases the
likelihood of disease.17 Even if it doesn’t directly affect human health, high nitrogen
concentration in recreational waters indirectly causes many health hazards, making it a
significant component to coastal pollution.
Yet another potential health risk is Parkinson disease, which has been linked to medium
to high amounts of pesticide exposure.18 For example during autopsies, a component of
pesticides called organocholorines, have been found in higher concentrations within the brain of
15. Julio A. Camargo and Álvaro Alonso, “Ecological and Toxicological Effects of Inorganic
Nitrogen Pollution in Aquatic Ecosystems: A Global Assessment,” Environment
International 32, (2006), 837, doi:10.1016/j.envint.2006.05.002.
16. Jana E. Compton, John A. Harrison, Robin L. Dennis, Tara L. Greaver, Brian H. Hill,
Stephen J. Jordan, Henry Walker, and Holly V. Campbell, “Ecosystem Services Altered by
Human Changes in the Nitrogen Cycle: A New Perspective for US Decision Making,”
Ecology Letters 14, (2011), 810, doi:10.1111/j.1461-0248.2011.01631.x.
17. Mallin, “Effect of Human Development,” 1053.
18. Freya Kamel and Jane A. Hoppin, “Association of Pesticide Exposure with Neurologic
Disease,” Environmental Health Perspective 112, no. 9 (2004). 956. doi:10.1289/ehp.7135
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A46]: Yes, but given your
projections of growth, isn’t it the case that
within some years there will no longer be
any agriculture in OC, thus eliminating this
problem?
25
deceased Parkinson patients.19 And the quantity of people who die of Parkinson is higher in
California counties where pesticides are used in comparison to other counties.20 Studies have
shown that exposure to large quantities of pesticides could increase the risk for Parkinson disease
1.5 to 7 times higher.21 According to estimates made in 2007, non-institutionalized patients
needed $5,363 dollars per year for their medications and checkups, whereas institutionalized
patients needed $47,807 per year.22 The large difference in cost comes from the billing of facility
use for institutionalized patients.
Minor OP (organophosphate) pesticide poisoning can cause nausea, headaches, and
increased amounts of sweating, whereas major OP poisoning can lead to muscle weakness,
convulsions, and comas.23 Furthermore, effects do not always occur right away. For example,
muscle cramps/weakness and leg paralysis can occur two to five weeks after exposure.24
However, paralysis and Parkinson Disease are highly unlikely to occur from swimming in
Orange County coastal waters today. Current levels of pesticides are too low, since these studies
19. Ibid., 955.
20. Ibid., 954.
21. Ibid., 954.
22. Deborah F. Boland and Mark Stacy, “The Economic and Quality of Life Burden Associated
With Parkinson’s Disease: A Focus on Symptoms,” The American Journal of Managed Care,
2012,
http://www.ajmc.com/publications/supplement/2012/408_12sep_Parkinsons/A408_12sep_B
oland_S168to75/
23. Kamel, “Association of Pesticide Exposure,” 952.
24. Ibid., 952.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A47]: I sense that you have
drifted off topic here.
26
were conducted on workers who handle pesticides directly or indirectly and were exposed to
them at much higher doses.25 Visitors would have to swim abnormal numbers of times in present
recreational waters to be affects these ways. But this may not be the case later on when increased
population causes more runoff that washes more pesticides into the water and potentially raises
pesticide concentration to levels capable of causing Parkinson Disease, paralysis, and comas.
Problem with Federal Regulation
Federal regulations attempt to keep pollution at relatively safe levels. However, “safe” is
a relative word. 1.9% is an acceptable risk level for individuals to get gastrointestinal diseases
from coastal water exposure.26 But this standard isn’t high enough, since 71 percent of all
gastroenteritis incidents originated in waters that followed this guideline.27 And many of these
episodes occur in the summer when the enterococcus bacteria levels (which cause gastroenteritis)
is a third lower than levels in the winter.28 Increased rainfall during the winter causes the
difference by raises the total volume of runoff containing harmful bacteria.29 Almost all the
runoff ends up in the ocean, leading to higher coastal waters bacteria levels. Higher bacteria
levels mean higher risk of illness in the winter than the summer.30 This means the number of
disease episodes could be much higher. The frequency of disease incidents is not reflective of the
total risk of illness from these waters since not as many people swim in the winter when the risk
25. Ibid,. 950.
26. Dwight, “Estimating the Economic Burden from Illnesses,” 99.
27. Brinks., 126.
28. Ibid., 126.
29. Ibid., 126.
30. Ibid., 128.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
27
is highest. If many diseases are occurring when the risk of disease is at its lowest, federal
regulations are nowhere near strict enough for the safety of swimmers.
Effect of Increasing Population
An increase in the population of Orange County causes further development of land, and
much of the time water impervious material cover it. As the city expands, there is a need for
more houses/roofs, roads, and sidewalks for people. Non-porous materials are used to make these
roads and roofs. This, in turn, means that pesticides and feces, among other pollutants, have a
larger surface area of waterproof portions of land to fall on.31 When it rains, more excrement can
flow from the developed watershed into the ocean, raising coastal water fecal bacteria levels
significantly. Studies have shown that coastal waters are usually safe when the percentage of
water impervious structures in the watershed is under ten, a little dangerous when it is over ten,
and seriously polluted and disease-ridden when the percentage is over twenty percent.32 The
percentage of land covered by non-porous structures is actually more important compared to how
developed a portion of land is to determine polluting power of an area. For example, in a study of
the Howe and Pages Creek, Pages Creek was cleaner than Howe Creek even though Pages Creek
was more developed.33 This was because watertight material covered 27.3% of Howe Creek’s
developed area.34 If there isn’t as much water impervious material covering the land, more water
can soak into the soil and avoid becoming runoff, thus lowering the total amount of pollutants
entering the ocean.
31. Mallin, “Effect of Human Development,” 1053.
32. Ibid., 1053.
33. Ibid., 1053.
34. Ibid., 1053.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A48]: The reason we don’t
use contractions in academic writing is that
they are informal. Please take note.
28
Methods to Lower Disease Occurrences
Focus of Coastal Water Treatment
There are many ways to lower the impact of society on Orange Count coastal waters,
even with a rising population. First, we could change the main focus of our water treatment
projects from heavily contaminated but infrequently visited beaches to lightly contaminated but
frequently visited beaches. Today, most diseases stemming from water-contamination comes
from the highly attended beaches.35 If the amount of pollution in the waters of popular beaches
were lowered, there would be a greater reduction of incidents of disease compared to treating the
non-popular ones. This is because not many people get sick from the highly contaminated
beaches.36
Urban Vegetation Usage
Another possible way is to lower the total surface area of land taken up by water
impervious materials like concrete sidewalks, asphalt roads, and clay roofing, and replace it with
water permeable building components.37 Traditional drainage of urban areas or watersheds
consists of directing the water to a storm drain that leads straight out to the ocean. None of the
runoff is processed, filtered, or made any safer. If these storm-drains were replaced by water
permeable areas with ample vegetation, they plants would remove the need for artificial filtration
of runoff water.38 The flora would stop a significant amount of solid particles from going through,
would utilize the nitrogen/phosphorus that seeps into the earth, and the bacteria present in the
35. Brinks, “Health Risk of Bathing,” 130.
36. Ibid., 130.
37. Mallin, “Effect of Human Development,” 1054.
38. Ibid., 1054.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
29
water would be contained by the soil itself.39 If any runoff gets to the ocean after this natural
filtration, the runoff will be much less polluted and less harmful to the environment, thereby
lowering the risk of disease from coastal water exposure substantially. Thus through changes in
water treatment focus and increasing eco-friendly urban construction to promote natural filtration,
we can lower the number of incidents of disease and their associated monetary costs caused by
water exposure from Orange County beaches, even with a steadily increasing population.
Bibilography
Boland, Deborah F., and Mark Stacy. “The Economic and Quality of Life Burden
Associated With parkinson’s Disease: A Focus on Symptoms.” The American Journal of
Managed Care. 2012. http://www.ajmc.com/publications/supplement
/2012/408_12sep_Parkinsons/A408_12sep_Boland_S168to75/
Brinks, Mitchell V., Ryan H. Dwight, Nathaniel D. Osgood, Gajapathi Sharavanakumar,
David J. Turbow, Mahmoud El-Gohary, Joshua S. Caplan, and Jan C. Semenza. “Health Risk of
Bathing in Southern Californian Coastal Waters.” Archives of Environmental & Occupational
Health 63, no. 3 (2008). 123–135. doi: 10.3200/AEOH.63.3.123-135.
Camargo, Julio A., and Álvaro Alonso. “Ecological and Toxicological Effects of
Inorganic Nitrogen Pollution in Aquatic Ecosystems: A Global Assessment.” Environment
International 32, (2006). 831–849. doi:10.1016/j.envint.
2006.05.002.
Compton, Jana E., John A. Harrison, Robin L. Dennis, Tara L. Greaver, Brian H. Hill,
39. Ibid., 1054
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A49]: Ok, but wouldn’t a
more effective solution be to limit the
population growth?
30
Stephen J. Jordan, Henry Walker, and Holly V. Campbell. “Ecosystem Services Altered by
Human Changes in the Nitrogen Cycle: A New Perspective for US Decision Making.” Ecology
Letters 14, (2011). 804–815. doi:10.1111/j.1461-0248.2011.01631.x
Dwight, Ryan H., Linda M. Fernandez, Dean B. Baker, Jan C. Semenza, and Betty H.
Olson. “Estimating the Economic Burden from Illnesses Associated with Recreational Coastal
Water Pollution—A Case Study in Orange County, California.” Journal of Environmental
Management 76 (2005). 95–103. doi:10.1016/j.jenvman.2004.11.017.
Fowler, Brad, and Jim Rasmus. “Seaside Solution.” Civil Engineering (2005). 44–49.
Kamel, Freya, and Jane A. Hoppin. “Association of Pesticide Exposure with Neurologic
Dysfunction and Disease.” Environmental Health Perspectives 112, no. 9 (2004). 950–958.
doi:10.1289/ehp.7135
Mallin, Michael A., Kathleen E. Williams, E. Cartier Esham, and R. Patrick Lowe.
“Effect of Human Development on Bacteriological Water Quality in Coastal
Watersheds.” Ecological Applications 10, no. 4 (2000). 1047–1056. doi:10.2307/2641016.
“Population Projections by Ethnicty and Age,” RAND California Population
and Demographic Statistics. RAND Corporation. 2010. http://ca.rand.org/cgibin/annual.cgi/.
“Resident Population Estimates for the 100 Largest U.S. Counties Based on July
1, 2011 Population Estimates: April 1, 2010 to July 1, 2011.” United States
Census Bureau. U.S. Department of Commerce. 2011. http://www.census.gov
/popest/data/counties/totals/2011/index.html/.
Comment [A50]: Overall, you did a
good job here. There are several problems
with word choice and structure, as noted.
You can address these on the next
assignment by performing a more careful
edit. Also, you will want to stay more
focused on the topic so that you don’t drift
into areas that are not directly related to
what you are communicating. Finally, note
that your bibliography is seriously incorrect
with regard to formatting.
Grade = B-
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
31
Analysis
Jonathan provided substantial detail throughout his paper, but the degree of clarity is not
what we would like to see at this level. Consider this sentence from the first paragraph: “If this
rapid growth rate continues, the population will double the 2011 population by the year 2141, a
span of only 130 years.” The repetition of “population” is unnecessary and, indeed, is distracting.
Here is an alternative construction: If this rapid growth rate continues, the 2011 population will
double by 2141.
Still, the level of detail Jonathan provided is impressive, illustrating his willingness to
devote the time and effort required to collect data. The amount of information he provided
offsets the frequent awkwardness of the writing. Why, then, did the paper receive a B-? The
answer lies in the documentation. The bibliography is incorrectly formatted, a serious error.
Assigment 2
Since the Great Depression, Americans have been deeply concerned about equality.
Seeing that some people are better looking, stronger, more athletic, smarter, and more successful
than others, we have for decades felt that there is something not quite right with the world.
We have responded aggressively. Many parents now insist, for example, that their
children’s games—baseball, soccer, and so on—must not involve scores so that athletic children
do not “win.” Our schools inflate students’ grades to ensure that failure is not an option, even for
those who do not work. Our government provides a social security benefit to ensure that people
who failed to handle their money wisely and save for retirement have a comfortable old age,
even though doing so makes it difficult for young workers to save, for a large percentage of their
income goes to support that benefit. The government takes even more money from those who
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
32
work hard; it redistributes their earned income through tax credits to those who earn less,
providing them with checks that can range as high as $10,000.
Much science fiction can be described as social critique, and “Harrison Bergeron” clearly
falls into this category. Vonnegut looked at America’s obsession with equality and followed it to
a “logical” conclusion, with “Harrison Bergeron” being the result.
In a well-developed essay, analyze the story, argue for a specific interpretation, and
explain how the story serves as social critique. Successful papers will be at least 5 pages long,
with use secondary sources as well as the primary source, and they will be clear, insightful, and
interesting, with few if any structural errors. Your documentation format for this assignment will
be MLA.
Analysis
The second assignment for this class is congruent with the goal of helping students
master the conventions of different content-area assignments. This assignment illustrates the kind
of assignment that undergraduates often receive in literature classes. Worth noting is how the
professor connected the short story to social issues. Over the past three decades, many literature
professors have emphasized the social dimensions of literature, and it is fairly common for
literary analyses to examine literary works from a social, as well as political, perspective.
This is the case here. The assignment asks students to view “Harrison Bergeron” as a
social critique, not as an autonomous work of literature. The assumed value in such assignments
is that they prompt students to reflect on literature as a social construct.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
33
Student Papers
Wei San Loh (freshman)
An unattainable equality (first draft)
In “Harrison Bergeron,” Vonnegut describes a dystopian society in which everyone has
finally become equal due to Constitutional amendments. The focus on broadcast media
throughout the story suggests that broadcast media creates unrealistic ideas that all people are
able-bodied and beautiful. This ideal bothers characters who do not fit the mold in physical
appearance and ability, and thus sparks the government to attempt to equalize appearance and
ability in society. George Bergeron has to wear a radio transmitter, but Hazel Bergeron, George’s
wife, does not have to. This comparison shows that equality is naturally unattainable without the
use of tools. Hence, the statement “everybody is finally equal” is not true; instead, it is an
artificial construction.
The author indicates that society’s goal to achieve equality is defective, and the desire to
achieve equality is due to the selfishness and envious feeling from a small amount of people.
Hazel represents such people well. Knowing that her husband suffers from listening to different
devices, Hazel does not protest the idea of the government controlling society. Instead, she
enjoys the way society works because everyone shares a similar mentality level with her. Hazel’s
selfishness is further seen when she enviously mentions that listening to different sounds that her
husband has to hear every twenty seconds is interesting. Being free from the requirement to wear
an intelligence handicapper device, Hazel seems to be interested in hearing the sound even
though she expects it to be repulsive. Her thinking indicates that society understands the cost of
achieving equality might not be pleasant, but they still want it to make up for the flaws of the
“average group” in society.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
34
The story continues to support the theme when George shows that individuals can
peacefully comply with rules, but society cannot create a “peaceful” equality. One reason that
social equality is not achieved is that people can sneakily use their ability to think more. From
the story, Hazel mentions that she would have people with handicap devices hear chimes on
Sunday if she were the Handicapper General. George says he will use his brain to think more
since the chimes do not hurt his mind. Hazel’s suggestion seems to have failed because
individuals can think non- equally. Another reason why social equality is not achieved is because
government enforcement might be able to suppress individuals, but the government itself does
not apply the enforcement to itself. This phenomenon is shown when equality in society is
created through the enforcement by those who do not wear handicapper devices themselves, the
“corrupted controllers.” Thus, inequality between citizens and the government occurs.
The author suggests that even though equality might be achieved in terms of ability and
intelligence through suppression, the goal is illogical. It is undeniable that there are certain jobs
that require a higher level of expertise in order to carry out the job efficiently. Average people
may fail to do the job well because they do not have the ability to meet necessary requirements to
handle certain occupations. When it comes time for the news bulletin, the television announcer
uses half a minute to say the phrase “ladies and gentlemen.” He then gives up trying to continue
the announcement and passes the bulletin to a ballerina who finishes the announcement
completely. Society thinks that by suppressing the “above average” people, everyone will be
given an equal chance to perform the same job. This type of equality pushes the “above average”
people downwards to give ample opportunities to “average” people to do the same job.
However, “below average” people such as the bulletin announcer do not have the ability
to handle the given tasks. The announcer is excited when he finally has the chance to do the job.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
35
Nevertheless, his lack of expertise eventually restricts him from completing the bulletin. In order
to accommodate people whose abilities are lower than normal, society’s standard of equality is
lowered. Consequently, more people are suppressed to live within the standard equality that is set
by society, thus creating a descending pyramidal form. This reducing standard of equality allows
more and more people to join the standard group and will eventually lead to no quality in life.
A ballerina who alters her voice when she continues the bulletin announcement shows
that an emphasis on equality will not have any effect on one’s natural abilities and potential. The
ballerina changes her voice immediately after she realizes that she used her real voice. After
apologizing for her “mistake,” she forces herself to use an absolutely “uncompetitive” voice to
announce the news. The fact that her true voice is melodious is unchangeable. This illustrates
that no matter how hard equality is being enforced, it will not change the inner ability of an
individual except when pleasing the “below average” group who envy the capability that one has.
Thus, equality here does not make any sense at all. The author shows that society emphasizes
equality of beauty, cleverness, and physical ability despite the fact that people have no control
over talents that they are born with. The capabilities of people are genetically determined, so,
people should not be forced to be better or worse than they are (Persson 130). Thus, equality in
terms of inner ability is inaccessible.
The contradiction between the relationship of emphasizing equal intelligence and
ignoring equal income distribution further shows that equality is unattainable. Since intelligence
is a causal factor leading to money and success (Gage 9), in an attempt to equalize the
distribution of wealth, society in the story attempts to equalize mental ability. The intelligent
people are forced to wear a radio transmitter to prevent them from thinking too much, so that
they are unable to use their ability to earn more money than other people. However, equality in
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
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income distribution is not a priority in society as exemplified by Hazel, Harrison’s mother, who
suggests that the television announcer should get a nice raise. This seems strange in a society
which emphasizes complete and total equality, while also believing in unequal distribution of
wealth. Equality is very hard to define because we do not know how many areas we have to
equalize to ensure total equality is achieved. The author asserts that the attempts of society to
achieve equality are made in vain.
From the story, the author illustrates different perspectives of equality defined by
individuals and equality that is defined by the government. Individuals do not desire equality in
appearance or wealth but the equality to practice individual freedom. When Harrison begins
resisting the rules and handicaps imposed on him by the government, he comes to the conclusion
that he must overthrow the government. His achievement is described as the ability to defy the
laws of land, the law of gravity, the laws of motion, and to fly to kiss the ceiling that is 30 feet
high. Vonnegut uses this sequence to illustrate the ability to achieve one’s personal potential and
the feeling that we have when we reach this level of achievement- the sense of floating in air, the
sense of to be free, light, and able to do almost anything. The real meaning of equality is
becoming questionable when Harrison finally feels free from suppression, which implies that he
was previously not free. This story indicates a divergence between individual equality and
governmental equality because the government enforces equality in appearance and ability. An
individual does not desire equality that is enforced by the government but rather to obtain
equality of freedom. The author indicates that individuals’ equality and governmental equality
are not the same. People aim for an equal chance to get freedom but the government thinks
having equal status is the best. This can be shown when Harrison has a chance to get ultimate
freedom, he feels as light and as free that he can fly thirty feet high to kiss the ceiling. Here, the
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
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author suggests that the equality that people should aim for is the equal chance of individuals to
practice freedom.
From the analysis above, Vonnegut suggests that the attempt to get total equality is
unattainable. Total equality is not sensible in the real world because it is almost impossible to
judge to what extent we should enforce total equality. There are always niches of inequality
despite the effort to eradicate all disparities. Walda Katz-Fishman and Jerome Scott claim in
Diversity and Equality that no part of the American people can move forward in equality when
there are other parts of America experiencing poverty and political suppression (579).
Throughout the story, suppression by government seems to impose total equality successfully but
it does not. Politics act as a tool to obtain certain goals in society, such as overall utility but fail
for individual liberty, a situation under which the individual can exercise their own choice to
decide their own fate (Ronald Dworkin 284). In “Harrison Bergeron,” the desire to obtain total
equality in society brings everyone to be equal in society, but the individual’s freedom to fully
utilize their potential disappears. Equality might be a good thing to the society, but equality is
unfair because it deprives people of the possessions that they could have acquired with the use of
their natural skills (Erik Olin Wright 24). Overall, equality among individuals to achieve
freedom of their own choice is a desirable equality compared to total equality in society, which is
not achievable.
Vonnegut suggests that equality itself has different meanings and can be interpreted in
many different ways. From the story, we learn that society should not define equality literally.
Instead of imposing equality in society blindly, we should redefine “equality” so that everyone
understands the situation in which “equality” can be accomplished. Here, equality does not mean
that everyone is only to do the same thing. Rather, equality is supposed to be focusing on using
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
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one’s ability to achieve personal attainment, which does not go through enforcement. The ability
to fully express one’s innate potential is the key point to equality, not through artificial
constructions that cover up the flaws of society.
Wei San Loh (freshman)
Equality is A Zero Sum Game (second draft)
In Kurt Vonnegut’s “Harrison Bergeron”, Vonnegut describes a dystopia in which
everyone is finally equal because of the amendments to the constitution. These amendments are
enforced through the “unceasing vigilance of agents” of the US Handicapper General. In this
society, “equality” is taken to a new extreme. The author suggests the emphasis on equality
among everyone might leads society to come to equilibrium, but it is not necessarily equilibrium
for all individuals. Hence, equality is not a state of total equilibrium because it involves
suppression where the freedom of one group is achieved at the expense of freedom of another
group. It is a zero sum game.
The story begins with the arrest of Harrison Bergeron. The Handicapper- General men
arrest him because he is an outlier in a society that demands perfect equality for all of its citizens.
Harrison Bergeron needs to be captured because he is a genius and an athlete. As a fourteenyear-old teenager, Harrison does not get the chance to improve his growing development in a
healthy way. Instead, he is suppressed by the government that downgrades his mentality and
appearance by using different handicapping devices. When he is put in jail, he is forced to wear
a huge pair of earphones, a red rubber ball for a nose, and thick wavy glasses to suppress his
unnaturally good looks. The government does this to ensure total equality in people’s abilities
and appearances. As a result of his abilities and his rebellion against authority he is killed. The
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
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author is suggesting that equality can be a form of suppression. In this society, the government is
not trying to improve the lives of the average citizens, but instead, it is focusing on pulling the
talented, the beautiful, and the intelligent downwards to ensure “equality”.
“Harrison Bergeron” has further shown that total equality can be forced on people by
suppressing their abilities and talents in a dictatorial way. Diana Moon Glampers is the
Handicapper General in the story, and she is responsible for ensuring total equality. The
enforcement of equality is shown when ballerinas are burdened with weights to restrict
themselves from being good at dancing so that they will dance just like everyone else. Ballerinas
who are stronger have heavier handicap bags and this can be clearly shown through “she was the
strongest . . . her handicap bags were as big as those worn by two- hundred pound men.” The
equality that people want has not only deprived the freedom of ballerinas to express themselves
through dance, but has also given an unfair treatment to ballerinas because they have to deal with
mentally and physically suppression. Like any other group of people, the government imposes
different devices on them so that everyone will have same ability, which is assumed to have
achieved “equality”. People must follow the rule set by the Handicapper General by suppressing
themselves in whatever they are capable to do in order to bring about total equality in society, or
they will face execution.
The “equality” that Vonnegut is proposing can only be achieved through the suppression
of people by the government, and fear is the greatest weapon that the government utilizes when it
is trying to control society to achieve egalitarianism. The conversation between Hazel and
George, parents of Harrison Bergeron, illustrates equality falls in the room of suppression.
Looking at George who almost wears-out from carrying the forty-seven pounds handicap bag,
which is padlock around his neck, Hazel kindly suggests George that he can rest his bag or take
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
40
some of the balls out from the bag. Afraid of the penalty, which includes two years in prison and
two thousand dollars for every birdshots that he takes out, George refuses to follow what Hazel
suggests. The strategy of government using force to ensure egalitarianism in society seems to be
a success when people start to follow the rule even though they are suppressed in all sorts of
ways. The collapse of two ballerinas to the studio floor while holding their temples suggests that
people are living in fear as a result of suppression but they cannot do anything besides praying
hard that the situation will end soon. Government and laws might have created fear on those who
are told to put on certain types of handicap devices 24 hours a day. On the other side, those who
are free from attaching themselves with devices will live happily ever after because they do not
have to think of any suppression and rules that they have to follow. The equality is then proved
to be a zero sum game since suppression that falls onto certain group of people offsets the group
of people that are free from it.
Interestingly, Kurt Vonnegut gives an example on equality that has caused everyone to
adjust their expertise in certain areas. This can be seen from Hazel, a lady that has average
intelligence, mentions that she wants to be the General- Handicapper, and her idea is responded
by George that everyone can do that job. Hazel’s average intelligence can be shown when she
praises the pathetic performance of the announcer who has speech problem and suggests that the
announcer should get a nice raise for trying to announce the news. The author suggests that in a
total equality state, everyone is not distinct in their specialties and characteristics, and hence,
there is no job specialization because all jobs have same level of expertise and requirement. The
equality that is achieved in the society is not in equilibrium because people are being suppressed
to do the best at their work so that everyone can do the job at anytime.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
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The intense atmosphere that suppresses the freedom to enforce equality in “Harrison
Bergeron” is carried out from the noise that is coming out from George’s handicapper device that
is in his ears. The violence that is carried out throughout the entire story such as “a buzzer
sounded in George’s head. His thoughts fled in panic, like bandits from a burglar alarm” and “the
sound of an automobile collision.” The continuing noise that sounds different indicates the
violent society that Americans are facing. The handicapper devices that people are forced to
wear helps the government to suppress people’s behavior so that people are aware that they are
being watched constantly by the government, which creates a certain level of suppression to the
more capable people mentally and physically to behave in a lower performance in comparison to
what they can actually do.
The suppression condition by using violence to ensure equality can be seen through
Vonnegut’s society. This society focuses on eliminating those who rebelled against authority and
try to demonstrate their true abilities. The author brings in the example of rebellion by Harrison
Bergeron who claims himself as emperor. He tears off everything that is put on his body and tries
to convince the society that he is better than anybody else. This leads to the climax of the story
when Diana Moon Glampers shoots him to death on the spot with a double-barreled ten-gauge
shotgun. Equality is once again shown not to be in equilibrium because the suppression of
freedom is the cost to achieve it.
There are many cases that equality can only be achieved by pulling the upper layer of
people to match with the average people so that everyone can behave or think in the same way.
However, the equality in certain areas is not practical by suppressing the better performance
group of people. Instead, the further stress on equality on certain areas such as abilities and
talents will lead to a condition that is worse than before. At that point, inequality will take place
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
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since forcing people to suppress themselves go against the understanding or the flow of the
economy.
Works Cited
Dworkin, Ronald. “What is Equality? Part 2: Equality of Resources.” Philosophy &
Public Affair 10.4 (1981): 283-345. Print.
Gage, Randy. Why Are You Dumb, Sick & Broke . . . And How To Get Smart, Healthy &
Rich. New Jersey: John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 2006. Print.
Katz-Fishman, Walda, and Jerome Scott. Diversity and Equality: Race and Class in
America. Sociology Forum 9.4 (1994): 569-581. Web. 23 March 2012.
Persson, Ingmar. “Equality and Selection for Existence.” Abstract. Journal of Medical
Ehtics 25.2 (1999): 130-136. Web. 23 March. 2012.
Wright, Erik Olin. Afterword. Foundations of Neo Marxist Class Analysis. 24.
http://www.ssc.wisc.edu/~wright/Chapter%201%20-%20Wright%20Jan%202004.pdf.
Web. 8 March 2012.
Wei San Loh (freshman)
An Unattainable Equality (final draft)
In “Harrison Bergeron,” Vonnegut describes a dystopian society in which everyone has
finally become equal due to Constitutional amendments. The focus on broadcast media
throughout the story suggests that broadcast media creates an unrealistic idea that people are
able-bodied and beautiful. This bothers people who do not fit the mold of what is ideal in
physical appearance and ability, and thus sparked an attempt to equalize appearance and ability
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
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in society. The author illustrates that George has to wear radio transmitter but Hazel does not
have to, which shows that equality is naturally unattainable without the use of tools and can only
be an artificial construction in this particular case from the beginning. Hence, the statement of
“everybody is finally equal” is not true; instead, the attempt to achieve equality is not achievable.
The author indicates the perspective of society to achieve equality is a defect itself by
Comment [A51]: A good introductory
paragraph. You set the context and
provided a strong thesis.
Comment [A52]: Not a happy
construction. Can you see why?
suggesting that the thought of achieving equality is due to the selfishness and envious feeling
from a small amount of people. Hazel represents the small group of people well. Knowing that
her husband suffers from listening to different devices, Hazel does not protest the idea of
government controlling society. Instead, she likes the way of how society works- everyone has
Comment [A53]: Not entirely
grammatical here.
equal mentality, just like her. Her selfishness is further seen when she enviously mentions that
listening to different sounds that her husband gets to hear every twenty seconds is interesting.
Sitting in the position that is not required by law to wear intelligence handicapper device, Hazel
Comment [A54]: This isn’t colloquial
English.
seems to be interested to hear the sound despite repulsive sounds that she has expected. Her
thinking indicates that society knows the cost for achieving equality might not be pleasant, but
they still want it to cover up the flaws of “average group” in society.
The story continues to support the theme when Hazel mentions that she will only have
chimes on Sunday if she were the Handicapper General. Chimes represent happiness and peace.
Hazel thinks that playing chimes equally to everyone brings peace to society and individual and
Comment [A55]: Do you see how you
mixed tenses here? With the subjunctive
clause, your auxiliary should have been
“would,” not “will.”
indicates that controlling people in this way is better. The suggestion of Hazel shows that
equality in society and peace to individual is mutually exclusive. Equality can only be enforced
Comment [A56]: Yes. Correct.
through regulations or extreme methods because people are being threatened to follow the rules,
not through a peaceful way. Thus, the attempt to achieve equality is absurd in any way. People
think equality brings peace to society, but in fact it is not happening.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A57]: Not as clear here as
you could have been.
44
A paradox for Hazel’s action to achieve equality is shown when George says he will use
his brain to think more since the chimes do not hurt his mind. Vonnegut points out that
government can impose a peaceful regulation on equality, which allows people to think
“unfairly.” In this case, individual will achieve peaceful regulation but society does not receive a
“peaceful” equality since some people can “sneaking” use their ability to think more. Another
way to create equality in society is through the enforcement by those who do not wear handicap
themselves, the “corrupted controllers.” The enforcement by the government might be able to
suppress people and help boost the total equality in the society, but the government itself does
not apply the enforcement on itself shows that inequality among individuals occurs. Hence,
equality is not achievable despite society has achieved equality because equality among
individual is debatable.
The author suggests that even though equality might be achieved in terms of ability and
intelligence, the achievement is considered to have failed. When it comes to the news bulletin
Comment [A58]: Unclear.
time, the television announcer uses half a minute to say the phrase “ladies and gentlemen.” He
Comment [A59]: ????
then gives up trying to continue the announcement and passes the bulletin to a ballerina who
finishes her performance before the bulletin. Society thinks that by suppressing the “above
average” people in their expertise will give equal chance to everyone and anyone to do the same
job. This equality mindset pushes the “above average” people downwards and enables the
“average” people to do the job that they want to do before this. The announcer is in such a great
excitement when he finally has the chance to do the job. Nevertheless, his disability in that job
restricts him from continuing the job. Hence, no matter how hard society tries to achieve equality,
the outcome of people’s ability in handling a specific work or job will still be the same.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A60]: Your point in this
paragraph is not very clear.
45
The continuing announcement of the bulletin by a ballerina who changes her voice shows
that emphasis on equality will not have any difference. The ballerina changes her voice
immediately after she realizes that she uses her real voice. After apologizing for her “mistake,”
she forces herself to use an absolutely uncompetitive voice to announce the news. The fact that
she has a real melodious voice is unchangeable. The emphasis of equality will not make much
difference in any outcome besides pleases “below average” group of people who envious the
ability that she has. Thus, equality in this sense does not make any sense at all. The author shows
that society emphasizes equality on beauty, cleverness, and able-bodied where people have no
control over those abilities since they were born. Hence, equality is unnatural without the effort
of people trying to look like everyone else.
The contradiction between the relationship of emphasizing equal intelligence and
ignoring equal income distribution shows that equality is unattainable. Since intelligence is a
causal factor leading to money and success (Gage 9), in an attempt to equalize the distribution of
wealth, society in the story attempts to equalize ability. The intelligent people are forced to wear
Comment [A61]: I think you have a
good point here.
a radio transmitter to prevent them from thinking too much, so that they are unable to use their
ability to earn more money than other people. However, equality in income distribution is not a
priority in society as exemplified by Hazel, Harrison’s mother, who suggests that the television
announcer should get a nice raise. This seems strange in a society, which emphasizes complete
and total equality, while also believing in unequal distributions of wealth. Society imposes total
equality in every way it can but total equality might be achievable only within society, not
among individuals. The author asserts that the attempts of society to achieve equality are
impossible.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A62]: Perhaps what you are
seeing here is human nature. If so, how
could you have developed your point more?
46
However, unlike the above equality that is not achievable, people’s ability to obtain
freedom of choice equally would make more sense. When Harrison begins resisting the rules and
handicaps imposed on him by the government, he comes to the conclusion that he must
overthrow the government. His achievement is described as the ability to defy the laws of land
abandoned, the law of gravity, and the law of motion, and fly to kiss the ceiling that is 30 feet
high. The author indicates that the individuals’ equality and government equality are not the
same. People aim for the equal chance to get freedom but government thinks to have equal status
is the best. This can be shown when Harrison has a chance, he will fly up to 30 feet high to get
ultimate freedom. Here, the author suggests that equality that people should aim for is the equal
chance of individual to practice freedom.
Vonnegut suggests that equality itself has different meaning and can be interpreted in
many different areas. If equality is defined as total equality in society, it appeals that equality is
not achievable. However, equality among individual to get freedom of choice is feasible. Ronald
Dworkin claims that political acts as a device to obtain certain community-wide goals such as
overall utility but not appealing as suppose to individual liberty, a condition under which
individual can exercise their own choice to decide their own fate (284). The desire to obtain total
equality in society brings everyone to be equal in society but individual’s freedom to fully utilize
their potentials disappears. Erik Olin Wright suggests that equality might be a good thing to the
society, but equality is unfair because it deprives people of the possessions that people could
have acquired (24). “Equality” should be redefined if the current definition is misleading because
the desire to achieve equality can be a calamity when equality is defined literally. Overall,
equality among individuals to achieve freedom of their own choice is a desirable equality
compared to total equality in society, which is not achievable.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
47
Works Cited
Dworkin, Ronald. “What is Equality? Part 2: Equality of Resources.” Philosophy &
Public Affair 10.4 (1981): 283-345. Print.
Gage, Randy. Why Are You Dumb, Sick & Broke . . . And How To Get Smart, Healthy &
Rich. New Jersey: John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 2006. Print.
Wright, Erik Olin. Afterword. Foundations of Neo Marxist Class Analysis. 24.
http://www.ssc.wisc.edu/~wright/Chapter%201%20-%20Wright%20Jan%202004.pdf. Web. 8
March 2012.
Analysis
Comment [A63]: You make some
interesting points in this paper that would
have been more interesting and powerful
had you made them a bit clearer. You also
will want to work more effectively to
control sentence structure and word choice.
You can get some help with both at the
Writing Center. Also, don’t hesitate to
come by my office if you have questions.
Wei San clearly is a nonnative English speaker, which accounts for some of the structural
Grade = C-
problems that we see in her paper. What is interesting from a pedagogical perspective is that,
even with assistance from fellow students and her professor, she was unable to correct all of the
structural errors.
Also interesting—and arguably more important—is the difference we see between this
paper and those students wrote at the secondary level. When writing literature-based papers, the
secondary students included in these samples produced plot summaries. Wei San, on the other
hand, interwove summary with analysis. This is exactly what we should expect, for the summary
provides the basis for the analysis. In addition, Wei San supported her analysis with reference to
secondary sources. She showed a good understanding of how such references serve to support
her ethos as a writer.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
48
Given these positives, why did Wei San’s professor give her a C-? I would suggest that
the paper did not receive a higher grade because the numerous structural errors related to her
NESB status detracted from the overall quality of the work. Although it is very common for
professors to make exceptions for second-language problems, doing so arguably is a disservice to
students.
Hiromi Hashimoto (Freshman, final draft; no initial drafts were submitted)
Analysis on “Harrison Bergeron”
America for years has been striving to attain equality among its citizens by breaking the
boundaries formed by differences in race, gender, economic status, sexuality and cultural
background. This has been advocated for through various movements and amendments to the
Constitution to accommodate equality. America is based on a capitalistic government where
Comment [A64]: As I’ve mentioned in
class, using “this” as an indefinite
demonstrative pronoun often results in
ambiguity. You should always follow “this”
with a noun.
individualism is highly encouraged, and it has a containment policy that shuns communism and
Comment [A65]: Ungrammatical.
promotes democracy and a voice for all. America’s position as a super power enables it to be a
Comment [A66]: I don’t see how this
sentence is related to the previous two.
major influence to other nations which adopt its liberal policies. However, some of these
countries in some instances can be argued to have violated and deprived their citizens of some of
their essential human rights in the pretense of creating equality. Although equality is thought to
bring about social progress, some evidence suggests that it results in social stagnation and
eventually social deterioration. With years spent on attaining equality and being unsuccessful, it
raises questions as to whether equality can be attained, and whether its attainment would bring
about social progress.
In “Harrison Bergeron,” Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. writes about a nation were equality is finally attained
in the year 2081. No one is seen as being better than the other, neither physically nor mentally.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A67]: The first paragraph of
a literary analysis should give some
indication of what the paper is about. Few
readers would guess that this paper is about
Harrison Bergeron from this paragraph.
Also, the next paragraph is unrelated to the
first. The problem of the first paragraph is
thus compounded by the lack of a
transitional sentence to connect it to the
second paragraph.
49
All citizens who are considered to have any capabilities above average are handicapped by the
government to create uniformity. George Bergeron for example, is required to wear handicap
bags filled with lead balls to restrain his physical strength and earphones that produce loud noise
to prevent him from “taking unfair advantage” of his brain. These handicaps moderate George’s
abilities in order to make him average like his wife who wears no handicaps because she is
Comment [A68]: Isn’t your relative
clause here non-restrictive?
considered “normal.” The author describes the handicaps as having “a military neatness” to
highlight the uniformity the government seeks. Vonnegut critiques society’s obsession with
equality and the lengths to which some governments would go to attain egalitarianism for the
“benefit” of its people.
Comment [A69]: Is this your thesis? If
so, can you see why it doesn’t work?
According to Charles Darwin, humans are naturally competitive and will therefore always strive
Comment [A70]: Again, you need a
transitional sentence here. Without
transitions, you do not have a focused paper;
each paragraph stands isolated from the
whole rather than contributing to construct
a whole.
to outdo each other. America together with many other countries promotes individualism which
results in a struggle for recognition because people work towards outshining each other. Among
people, there is also a struggle for power because people always feel they would be better suited
to represent the whole group. Helen compares her capability as Handicapper General to that of
Comment [A71]: Ok. Another instance
of a problematic relative clause. You must
actually apply the class lessons.
Comment [A72]: You need evidence to
support this claim.
Comment [A73]: Evidence?
Diana Moon by stating that she would make a better Handicapper General (HG) because she
feels she has a better understanding of what it is to be normal. Helen’s statement reveals that she
Comment [A74]: The repetition here
should have been resolved during editing.
has some doubts about whether the society she lives in is truly equal. This scenario represents the
Comment [A75]: Evidence?
hunger for power by those without it and mocks leaders who claim to represent the people, yet
do not fully understand the needs of the people, disabling them from creating a fair society.
Society can never be equal as long as there is oligarchy. Michels argued that “hierarchy weakens
democracy because officials can and often do use their access to information, resources, and the
media to promote their own personal interests” (Macionis129). While the presence of a
governing body is vital for order, its mere presence is evidence of inequality in society due to the
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A76]: This seems farfetched,
especially given that you do not provide
any textual evidence to support this analysis.
Isn’t it more likely that Helen’s comment
about being the HG is intended to illustrate
how ignorant she is?
Comment [A77]: Isn’t this a tautology?
Comment [A78]: How is this statement
related to the story?
50
imbalance of the distribution of power between the rulers and those who they rule. Diana Moon
Glampers depicts inequality when she shoots the “emperor” and “empress” as an example of the
intolerance of rebellion against those in power. She again displays her tyrannical nature when
she threatens the musicians with a similar fate if they do not put their handicaps back on. In a
similar attempt to maintain power, as few as 6 percent of congressional officeholders running for
reelections in the US were defeated by their challengers (Macionis130). Be it democratic or not,
the statement is evidence that the same leaders strive to remain in power, leading to a halt in
Comment [A79]: What statement?
social development because equality will always be based on their perspective. What is equal to
Comment [A80]: You have not
provided any evidence to support this claim.
Moreover, what is the connection between
social development and the story?
one person is often seen as unfair to the other; equality cannot be attained where social injustices
thrive. For instance, Bruckner states that France’s ban on the burqa reaffirms laïcité, to avoid the
reduction of a person by their faith and loss of their “singular individuality” (Pascal 62-64).
Comment [A81]: Do you know what
this term means? How is it related to the
story?
Meanwhile, others prefer to continue wearing it, seeing its ban as a violation of freedom of
expression.
Similarly, President Obama signed a law imposing higher taxes on the rich while the middle
class and poor experience no tax change. Though this law may be seen as being beneficial to the
economy, it is unfair to the rich who have worked hard, maybe even harder to attain great wealth
Comment [A82]: An incomplete
comparison.
only to pay higher taxes. An equal society cannot exist if one group of people is being over
burdened with responsibility for another group of people. Also, the mere presence of social
stratification encourages an unequal society. From “Harrison Bergeron,” oligarchy would still
Comment [A83]: The logic here seems
questionable.
exist in the years to come, highlighting the stagnation in society as nothing would have changed
in comparison with today’s world.
Vonnegut also ridicules governments that consider themselves just by abusing their power and
suppressing their citizens by taking away their human rights. Those in power strive to remain in
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A84]: ????
51
power by manipulating the public with false hope through empty words, or by suppressing
possible threats to their position. Diana Glampers eliminates all threats to the government by
imprisoning Harrison on suspicion of possible upheaval. Another less extreme case of
manipulation is Boris Yeltsin, the first president of Russia, who suffered a heart attack and hid it
from his people in order to avoid the possibility of lowering his chances of being re-elected
(Schleifer and Treisman154). Both figures of government use conniving tactics to stay in power,
elucidating the lengths to which some governments would go to in order to cling to power. Such
coercive organization of governments, where people like Harrison have no choice in deciding to
be a part of such rule are unfair in their nature (Macionis 126). The totalitarian society created in
“Harrison Bergeron” in the pretense of promoting equality requires people to act and think in a
certain way, limiting their ability, caging their thoughts and dehumanizing them, resulting in no
social progress as the government and the people are not challenged in any way to help them and
the society in which they live in improve.
The Universal Declaration of Human Rights states that, “All human beings are born free and
Comment [A85]: How is this relevant to
the assignment?
equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act
towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood . . . Everyone has the right to freedom of thought,
conscience and religion”— rights the Handicapper General and her agents violate by making
citizens, like George Bergeron, wear handicaps that repress them from freely expressing their
own thoughts in their own mental space. Harrison Bergeron’s rights are also violated as he is
imprisoned without fair trial on suspicion of planning to annex the government and is subjected
to inhuman treatment when he is forced to wear heavy scrap metal and partially blinding lenses
to suppress his above average ability. In a more extreme instance, the Khmer Rouge, Communist
Party of Kampuchea, Cambodia, executed thousands of intellectuals accused of being traitors.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A86]: Again, I don’t see the
relevance here. You are adding information
that obscures the focus on the story.
52
They also aimed at having an equal society by forcing citizens to wear black costumes and
transforming Cambodia into a “rural, classless society in which there were no rich people, no
poor people, and no exploitation by abolishing money, free markets, normal schooling, private
property, foreign clothing styles, religious practices, and traditional Khmer culture”
(Northwestern University School of Law and Chang). Such governments struggle with
differentiating between having power and being powerful, the former using power as a means for
social progress whereas the latter misuses power for social stagnation.
Some leaders discourage input from their subordinates while others use of extreme ways to
oppress people like threats of imprisonment or torture, instilling fear in people, making them
complacent with rules put in place regardless of whether or not they oppose them. According to
Janis, groupthink results in disastrous consequences such as the taking of lives as no one speaks
up for injustices due to the pressure to conform (Macionis 121-122). Arthur Schlesinger Jr.
confessed his guilt for having sat silent during crucial discussions on U.S. invasion of the Bay of
Pigs in Cuba in 1961. He added that “the group discouraged anyone from challenging what in
hindsight, Schlesinger considered “nonsense” (quoted in Janis, 1972:30, 40). The author
illustrates complacency when George refuses to remove any of the lead balls from the canvas
bag he wears because he fears the consequences that will result from his impertinence; he
therefore conforms to the government’s expectations. He dismisses Helen’s suggestion to lighten
his bag at the thought of being imprisoned for two years for every ball taken out and fined two
thousand dollars. He says, “I don’t notice it any more. It’s just a part of me,” revealing his
contentment with the situation. George’s indifference results in social stagnation where unjust
situations remain so as no one is willing to try to change things for the better and therefore
society never changes. On the other hand, action against oppression at times has brutal
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
53
consequences such as the death of some like Harrison who dies trying to save people from the
Handicapper General’s vicious rule. But when a better society is consistently fought for by many,
things do change and social progress is attained.
As Martin Luther King, Jr. noted, “Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere
ignorance and conscientious stupidity.” Many countries have been considered to have taken part
in the age of enlightenment to promote social progress through intellectual reasoning and
opposing the abuse of power by states. However, most of these countries preach water and drink
wine. Without challenging society to be better, it will only be fair to a select few and will
stagnate others’ human condition eventually leading to their deterioration. Based on the above,
equality is impossible to attain and the obsession with trying to attain it will only worsen society.
Works cited
Bruckner, Pascal. "UNVEILED: A Case for France's Burqa Ban." World Affairs 173.4 (2010):
61-5. ProQuest. Web. 13 Mar. 2013.
Macionis, John, J. Society the Basics. New Jersey: Pearson Education, 2011. Print.
Northwestern University School of Law and Youk Chang. Documentation Center of Cambodia.
Cambodia Tribunal Monitor. Web. 13 Mar. 2013.
Shleifer, Andrei and Daniel Treisman. “A Normal Country: Russia after Communism.” Web. 18
Mar. 2013.
Smith, Matt. “Obama Signs Bill Warding Off Fiscal Plan.” CNN. CNN, 3, Jan. 2013. Web. 21
Mar. 2013.
The Journal of Economic Perspectives Vol. 19, No. 1 (Winter, 2005): 151-174. Print.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A87]: Paragraphs must be
indented.
54
“Universal Declaration of Human Rights.” United Nations. Web. 11 March 2013.
Analysis
Like Wei San, Hiromi is an NESB student, but her level of English proficiency appears to
be lower. The many structural and formatting problems obscure the analysis. Moreover, many of
Comment [A88]: Numerous problems
throughout the paper. Your analysis is often
off base; indeed you make several claims
that, as I noted in the margins, are
farfetched. The lack of support for these
analyses compounds the problem. In
addition, there are numerous structural and
formatting problems that would prompt real
readers to stop reading. You failed to follow
proper formatting—no indentation of
paragraphs, for example, and problems
throughout your references. You can do
better than this.
Grade = D
the problems are basic, such as the failure to indent the first line of paragraphs. When we
consider that Hiromi completed at least two drafts before submitting the final, these errors are
difficult to explain.
Yuko Nakajima (freshman)
Harrison Bergeron: Challenge to the Idea of Social Equality (first draft)
In “Harrison Bergeron,” Vonnegut depicts totally equal society in which laws enforces
restrictions on people with higher physical and mental ability. In this story, the government
imposes handicaps on those who show physical and mental advantages in order to equalize
difference in society, in which Vonnegut actually implies incompleteness of equality in an ironic
tone. From multiple aspects, Harrison Bergeron reveals incompatibility of equality and
individual freedom by indicating people’s conflicted desires.
Despite its attempts to equalize everyone, handicaps in the system of this story fail to
redress inequality. George, who possesses higher intelligence, has to wear a little handicap
transmitter enforced by laws so that he cannot unfairly display his intellectual ability. In this way,
George’s advantage is disadvantaged; however, handicaps cannot eliminate abilities per se but
only hinder demonstration of abilities. In other words, imposing handicaps does not challenge
fundamental inborn inequalities. This incomplete equalization exists in social systems today in
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
55
which restrictions hinders abilities of the advantaged. For instance, under the current system,
curriculum in school is created based on the average or below average students rather than
relatively smart students. (Evidence) Thus, thought seemingly equal, the inequality-redress
system is unfair to the advantaged.
The interaction between George and Hazel shows signs of resistance to handicap system.
When George and Hazel are conversing alone, Hazel suggests that George rest his body by
putting off his bag. Hazel makes a statement “I don’t care if you’re not equal to me for a while,”
indicating that she is aware of equalizing handicaps stymie daily activities and can slightly
sacrifice her inequality. However, George shows reluctance in risking him for punishment and
insists that he doesn’t want to go back to the world of competition again. The ambivalent attitude
represented in this scene reveals that inner resistance of keeping the total equality for society
severely compromises individual freedom.
Ultimate consequence of Harrison’s burst of freedom in the last scene involves several
significant conflicts as well. The dramatic tone of this scene enhances his zest of freedom: he
rips off the handicap accessories, roars a declaration of the emperor, and steals kiss from
“blindingly beautiful” girl. In the end, in the midst of television broadcast, the Handicapper
General Diana shoots Harrison and the girl to death for the sake of total equality. ….(incomplete)
Thus, the story indicates that total equality that society is striving and tells us to pursue is
possible only at the cost of individual freedom and happiness.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
56
Yuko Nakajima (freshman)
Harrison Bergeron: Challenge to the Idea of Social Equality (second draft)
In “Harrison Bergeron,” Vonnegut depicts totally equal society in which laws enforce
restrictions on people with higher physical and mental ability. In this story, the government
imposes handicaps on those who show physical and mental advantages in order to equalize
difference in society. Vonnegut implies that when society prioritizes equality, it deprives
individuals of freedom. “Harrison Bergeron” serves as social critique in layers about
incompatible social goals in trying to attain equality at the expense of individual freedom by
indicating people’s conflicted desires.
Despite its attempts to equalize everyone, handicaps in the system of this story fail to
redress inequality. George, who possesses higher intelligence, has to wear a little handicap
transmitter enforced by laws so that he cannot unfairly display his intellectual ability. In this way,
George’s advantage is disadvantaged; however, handicaps cannot eliminate abilities per se but
only hinder demonstration of abilities. In other words, imposing handicaps does not challenge
fundamental inborn inequalities. This incomplete equalization exists in social systems today in
which restrictions hinders abilities of the advantaged. For instance, under the current system,
curriculum in school is created based on the average or below average students rather than
relatively smart students (Evidence). Thus, even though curriculum was designed in a way that is
approachable for most students, those who seek to be really challenged suffer as a result. (Add
more about affirmative action)
The interaction between George and Hazel shows signs of resistance to handicap system.
When George and Hazel are conversing alone, Hazel suggests that George rest his body by
taking off his bag. Hazel makes a statement “I don’t care if you’re not equal to me for a while,”
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
57
indicating that she is aware that equalizing handicaps stymie daily activities and can slightly
sacrifice her inequality. However, George shows fear of punishment and insists that he doesn’t
want to go back to the world of competition. These two people’s ambivalent attitude reveals that
the inner resistance (or conflict) that arises when prioritizing total equality for society over
individual freedom.
The ultimate consequence of Harrison’s burst of freedom in the last scene involves
several significant conflicts as well. The dramatic tone of this scene enhances his zest of freedom:
he rips off the handicap accessories, roars a declaration of the emperor, and steals a kiss from
“blindingly beautiful” girl. In the end, in the midst of television broadcast, the Handicapper
General Diana shoots Harrison and the girl to death for the sake of total equality. ….(incomplete)
Yuko Nakajima (freshman)
Harrison Bergeron: Incompatibility of Equality and Freedom (third draft)
In “Harrison Bergeron,” Vonnegut depicts totally equal society in which laws enforce
restrictions on people with physical and mental advantages. In 2081 of America, the Handicap
General imposes handicaps on people with higher intelligence, beauty, and strength, by giving
little radio in ears, masks to disguise face, and heavy bags on body, for the sake of total equality.
In this way whereby society achieves equality by degrading people of higher abilities, the
standard of normal is adjusted to the below-average level. As a result, the disadvantaged people
alone enjoy equality whereas the advantaged are deprived of enjoying their physical or mental
excellence. In “Harrison Bergeron,” attempt of attaining complete equality reveals
incompatibility of equality and freedom as social goals, serving as a critique for American
society.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
58
Vonnegut implied that silly conversation and flawed performance become normal when
total equality is attained. Hazel, having “perfectly average intelligence,” is obliged to wear
handicapping items. Her inability to sustain memory only for a longer period shows that her
intelligence is severely challenged. Her repetitive remarks about dance, “That was a real pretty
dance, that dance they just did,” “That dnace-it was nice,” implies her thinking inability. shows
her intelligence is severely challenged. On the other hand, George, having advantaged
intelligence, has to
Yuko Nakajima (freshman)
Harrison Bergeron: Incompatibility of Equality and Freedom (fourth draft)
In “Harrison Bergeron,” Vonnegut depicts totally equal society in which laws enforce
restrictions on people with physical and mental advantages. In 2081 of America, the Handicap
General imposes handicaps on people with higher intelligence, beauty, and strength, by giving
little radio in ears, masks to disguise face, and heavy bags on body, for the sake of total equality.
In this way whereby society achieves equality by degrading people of higher abilities, the
standard of normal is adjusted to the below-average level. As a result, the disadvantaged people
alone enjoy equality whereas the advantaged are deprived of enjoying their physical or mental
excellence. In “Harrison Bergeron,” attempt of attaining complete equality reveals
incompatibility of equality and freedom as social goals, serving as a critique for American
society.
Vonnegut implied that silly conversation and flawed performance become normal when
total equality is attained. Hazel, having “perfectly average intelligence,” is obliged to wear
handicapping items. Her inability to sustain memory only for a longer period shows that her
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
59
intelligence is severely challenged. Her repetitive remarks about dance, “That was a real pretty
dance, that dance they just did,” “That dnace-it was nice,” implies her thinking inability. shows
her intelligence is severely challenged. On the other hand, George, having advantaged
intelligence, has to
Yuko Nakajima (freshman)
Harrison Bergeron: Incompatibility of Equality and Freedom (fifth draft)
In “Harrison Bergeron,” Vonnegut depicts a totally equal society in which laws restrict
people with physical and mental advantages. In America of 2081, the Handicap General imposes
handicaps on people with higher intelligence, beauty, and strength by giving little radio in ears,
masks to disguise face, and heavy bags on body, for the sake of total equality. Because society
achieves equality by degrading people of higher abilities, the standard of normal is adjusted to
the below-average level. As a result, disadvantaged people alone enjoy equality whereas the
advantaged are deprived of enjoying their physical or mental excellence. In “Harrison Bergeron,”
the attempt to attain complete equality reveals incompatibility of equality and freedom as social
goals, serving as a critique of American society.
Vonnegut warns the danger of degraded standard of normal in equal society. Hazel,
having “perfectly average intelligence,” is not obliged to wear handicap items (1). She displays
her inability to sustain memory and uncritical thinking skill in multiple scenes in the story. When
watching TV show, she repeats similar nonessential comments about ballet’s dance twice in a
short time. Moreover, Hazel conjures up the idea of ringing chimes in earphones on Sundays for
religious honor. Her simplicity of ideas and unawareness that chimes don’t hamper thoughts
suggest her inability to think in detail and ahead. Regardless of her severely challenged mental
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
60
ability, Hazel’s intelligence is considered as “perfectly average,” which indicates that average
intellectual level in this society is as low as Hazel’s.
The following conversation between Hazel and George that even misses the subject of
question demonstrates the degraded intellectual standard in this society.
‘There you are,’ said George. ‘The minute people start cheating on laws, what
do you think happens to society?’ If Hazel hadn’t been able to come up with
an answer to this question, George couldn’t have supplied one. A siren was
going off in his head. ‘Reckon it’d fall all apart,’ said Hazel. ‘What would?’
said George blankly. ‘Society,’ said Hazel uncertainly. ‘Wasn’t that you just
said?’ “Who knows?’ said George. (2)
This miscommunication happens because disturbing noise in George’s ears dissipated his
previous thoughts that unable him to even recall the topic of ongoing conversation,
corresponding to Hazel’s mental ability. This interaction reveals how attaining equality by
suppressing the advantaged people compromises the social norms.
When noises of handicaps make two of eight ballets crawl on the floor in the midst of
performance, Hazel gets excited and remarks it is “doozy” (2). On the other hand, George is
horrified and holds tear drops on his eyes. The scene of show evokes his compassion to dancers
because he is the victim of equality as well as dancers. This different reactions clearly suggests
that, equality only satisfies the sense of fairness that people of inferior ability have, but it
degrades people of superior ability. In other words, those who enjoy benefits of equality are the
disadvantaged people alone.
In fact, characters in this story suggest signs of resistance to complete equality. When
Hazel and George are conversing alone, Hazel allows George to take off his bad to rest his body
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
61
by saying “I don’t care if you’re not equal to me for a while” (2). Her remark indicates that slight
inequality is acceptable when it doesn’t conflict with her benefits. On other hand, George resists
equality that hampers excellence of entertainment. Seeing the masked and burdened ballets,
George slightly considers that dancers should be free of handicaps so that audience can fully
enjoy their beauty of performance. Those characters hold inner resistance to equality because
equality sacrifices freedom of being excellent.
Harrison and a ballet danced with him demonstrate how equality undermines individual
freedom and prominence of human diversity in physical and mental excellence. Harrison is “a
genius and an athlete” which means he needs to wear tremendous handicaps that disable his
abilities (3). Because he has such outstanding capacity, he is the very victim of equal society who
has to sacrifices freedom of being excellent. When Harrison calls upon an empress, a ballet
immediately stands up and swiftly approaches to Harrison. After Harrison takes off all three
kinds of handicaps, she turns out to be “blindingly beautiful” (4). The fact that such an
amazingly pretty girl arose proves her repressed desire to liberate herself from handicaps and
displays her excellence. Since both of the characters fall into the category of the superior, they
enjoy no benefits of equality in this society but only sacrifice their freedom for equality. This
reveals that the idea of complete social equality conflicts the fairness of the disadvantaged and
individual freedom of the advantaged.
The ending of this story carries significant messages of the author and evokes different
interpretations of this piece as social critique. Harrison serves as two symbols: a symbol of
freedom which represents the joy of gifted abilities, and a symbol of rule which poses a danger
of a person having power over people. On one hand, assassination of Harrison by the
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
62
Handicapper General means the irony of people seeking equality and freedom at the same time
in American society.
Works Cited
Vonnegut, Jr, Kurt. “Harrison Bergeron.”
Yuko Nakajima (freshman)
Harrison Bergeron: Incompatibility of Equality and Freedom (sixth draft)
In “Harrison Bergeron,” Vonnegut depicts a totally equal society in which laws restrict
people with physical and mental advantages. In America of 2081, the Handicap General imposes
handicaps on people with higher intelligence, beauty, and strength by giving little radio in ears,
masks to disguise face, and heavy bags on body, for the sake of total equality. Because society
achieves equality by degrading people of higher abilities, the standard of normal is adjusted to
the below-average level. As a result, disadvantaged people alone enjoy equality whereas the
advantaged are deprived of enjoying their physical or mental excellence. In “Harrison Bergeron,”
the attempt to attain complete equality reveals incompatibility of equality and freedom as social
goals, serving as a critique of American society.
Vonnegut warns readers of the danger of degraded standards of normal in an equal
society. Hazel, having “perfectly average intelligence,” is not obliged to wear handicap items (1).
She displays her inability to sustain memory and uncritical thinking skill in multiple scenes in
the story. When watching a TV show, she repeats nonessential comments about ballerina’s
performance twice in a short time, suggesting her low intellectual level. In addition, Hazel
conjures up the idea of ringing chimes in earphones only on Sundays for religious purposes. The
simplicity of her ideas and her unawareness that chimes do not hamper thoughts sufficiently
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
63
imply her inability to think ahead and in detail. Despite her mental ability is severely challenged,
Hazel’s intelligence is considered as “perfectly average,” which indicates that the average
intellectual level in this society is as low as Hazel’s.
In the following conversation, George misses the subject of his own question, which
demonstrates the degraded intellectual standard in this society.
‘There you are,’ said George. ‘The minute people start cheating on laws, what
do you think happens to society?’ If Hazel hadn’t been able to come up with
an answer to this question, George couldn’t have supplied one. A siren was
going off in his head. ‘Reckon it’d fall all apart,’ said Hazel. ‘What would?’
said George blankly. ‘Society,’ said Hazel uncertainly. ‘Wasn’t that you just
said?’ “Who knows?’ said George. (2)
This miscommunication happens because disturbing noise in George’s ears dissipated his
previous thoughts that unable him to even recall the topic of ongoing conversation,
corresponding to Hazel’s mental ability. This interaction reveals how attaining equality by
suppressing the advantaged people compromises the social norms.
When noises of handicaps make two of eight ballets crawl on the floor in the midst of
performance, Hazel gets excited and remarks it is “doozy” (2). On the other hand, George is
horrified and holds tear drops on his eyes. The scene of show evokes his compassion to dancers
because he is the victim of equality as well as dancers. This different reactions clearly suggests
that, equality only satisfies the sense of fairness that people of inferior ability have, but it
degrades people of superior ability. In other words, those who enjoy benefits of equality are the
disadvantaged people alone.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
64
In fact, characters in this story suggest signs of resistance to complete equality. When
Hazel and George are conversing alone, Hazel allows George to take off his bad to rest his body
by saying “I don’t care if you’re not equal to me for a while” (2). Her remark indicates that slight
inequality is acceptable when it doesn’t conflict with her benefits. On other hand, George resists
equality that hampers excellence of entertainment. Seeing the masked and burdened ballets,
George slightly considers that dancers should be free of handicaps so that audience can fully
enjoy their beauty of performance. Those characters hold inner resistance to equality because
equality sacrifices freedom of being excellent.
Harrison and a ballet danced with him demonstrate how equality undermines individual
freedom and prominence of human diversity in physical and mental excellence. Harrison is “a
genius and an athlete” which means he needs to wear tremendous handicaps that disable his
abilities (3). Because he has such outstanding capacity, he is the very victim of equal society who
has to sacrifices freedom of being excellent. When Harrison calls upon an empress, a ballet
immediately stands up and swiftly approaches to Harrison. After Harrison takes off all three
kinds of handicaps, she turns out to be “blindingly beautiful” (4). The fact that such an
amazingly pretty girl arose proves her repressed desire to liberate herself from handicaps and
displays her excellence. Since both of the characters fall into the category of the superior, they
enjoy no benefits of equality in this society but only sacrifice their freedom for equality. This
reveals that the idea of complete social equality conflicts the fairness of the disadvantaged and
individual freedom of the advantaged.
The ending of this story carries significant messages of the author and evokes different
interpretations of this piece as social critique. Harrison serves as two symbols: a symbol of
freedom which represents the joy of gifted abilities, and a symbol of rule which poses a danger
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
65
of a person having power over people. On one hand, assassination of Harrison by the
Handicapper General means the irony of people seeking equality and freedom at the same time
in American society. ….
Works Cited
Vonnegut, Jr, Kurt. “Harrison Bergeron.”
Yuko Nakajima (freshman)
Harrison Bergeron: Incompatibility of Equality and Freedom (seventh draft)
In “Harrison Bergeron,” Vonnegut depicts an equal society in which laws restrict people
with physical and mental advantages. In America of 2081, the Handicap General imposes such
handicaps as buzzers in ears, masks to disguises face, and heavy bags on people having higher
intelligence, beauty, and strength so that nobody is better or worse than anyone else. Because of
this nature that society approaches to equality by limiting superior abilities, the standard of
normal is adjusted to the below-average level. As a result, disadvantaged people alone enjoy the
benefits of equality whereas the advantaged are deprived of practicing their physical or mental
excellence. In “Harrison Bergeron,” the attempt to attain complete fairness reveals
incompatibility of equality and freedom as social goals, serving as a critique of American society.
“Harrison Bergeron” suggests that seeking an even society poses a danger of degrading
normal standards. Hazel has “perfectly average intelligence,” meaning that she is no smarter than
others in reality, and not obliged to wear handicap items. She is unable to think critically and
sustain memory for a long time. Hazel displays these inabilities in multiple scenes in the story.
When watching a TV show, she makes nonessential comments about ballerina’s performance:
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
66
“That was a pretty dance, that dance they just did,” “that dance-it was nice.” These repetitive
remarks in a short time suggest that her inadequate thinking capacity. In addition, Hazel says
that, if she is the Handicapper General, she rings chimes in earphones only on Sundays to
celebrate religions. The simplicity of her idea and the unawareness that chimes do not hamper
thoughts sufficiently imply her inability to think ahead and in detail. Nevertheless, Hazel’s
intelligence is considered as “perfectly average,” which indicates that the average intellectual
level in this society is as low as Hazel’s.
The following conversation demonstrates the degraded intellectual standard in this story,
in which George forgets the subject of his own question.
‘There you are,’ said George. ‘The minute people start cheating on laws, what
do you think happens to society?’ If Hazel hadn’t been able to come up with
an answer to this question, George couldn’t have supplied one. A siren was
going off in his head. ‘Reckon it’d fall all apart,’ said Hazel. ‘What would?’
said George blankly. ‘Society,’ said Hazel uncertainly. ‘Wasn’t that you just
said?’ “Who knows?’ said George.
This collapsed communication happens because a noise of handicap accessories interrupts
George’s previous thoughts and even the topic of ongoing conversation. The horizontal
intellectual level is easier to accomplish by making everyone’s ability corresponding to lower
level. The reason is that human’s physical and mental capacity is largely predetermined by
genetic inheritance. (Evidence) The attempt of equalizing difference is predisposed to lower the
superior, revealing how equality compromises the social norms.
Hazel and George’s different reaction to ballerinas’ failed performance in TV show
signifies that the beneficiary of equality is the disadvantaged only. When two out of eight
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
67
ballerinas crawl on the floor in the midst of performance because of disturbing noise in their
head, Hazel gets excited and remarks it as “doozy.” On the other hand, George is horrified,
looking pale and starting shaking because he empathizes dancers as he himself is the victim of
restrictions. This scene of the story suggests that, equality only satisfies the sense of fairness that
people of inferior ability have at the cost of the removing the freedom of the superior ability.
In fact, some characters in this story suggest signs of resistance to complete equality.
When Hazel and George are conversing alone, Hazel allows George to take off his bag to rest his
body by saying “I don’t care if you’re not equal to me for a while.” Her remark indicates that
slight inequality is acceptable when it doesn’t conflict with her benefits. On other hand, George
resists equality that hampers excellence of entertainment. Seeing the masked and burdened
ballerinas, George slightly considers that dancers should be free of handicaps so that audience
can fully enjoy their beauty of performance. Those characters hold inner resistance to equality
because equality sacrifices freedom of being superior.
Harrison and a ballerina danced with him demonstrate how equality undermines
individual freedom and prominence of human diversity in physical and mental excellence.
Harrison is “a genius and an athlete” which means he needs to wear tremendous handicaps that
disable his abilities. Because he has such outstanding capacity, he is the very victim of equal
society who has to sacrifices freedom of being excellent. When Harrison calls upon an empress,
a ballerina stands up and swiftly approaches to Harrison. After Harrison takes off all three kinds
of handicaps, she turns out to be “blindingly beautiful”. The fact that such an amazingly pretty
girl arose proves her repressed desire to liberate herself from handicaps and displays her
excellence. Since both of the characters fall into the category of the superior, they enjoy no
benefits of equality in this society but only sacrifice their freedom for equality. This reveals that
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
68
the idea of complete social equality conflicts the fairness of the disadvantaged and individual
freedom of the advantaged.
The ending of this story carries significant messages from the author and evokes different
interpretations of this piece as social critique. Harrison serves as two symbols: a symbol of
freedom which represents the joy of gifted abilities, and a symbol of rule which poses a danger
of a person having power over people. On one hand, assassination of Harrison by the
Handicapper General means the irony of people seeking equality and freedom at the same time
in American society. ….
Yuko Nakajima (freshman)
Harrison Bergeron: Incompatibility of Equality and Freedom (eighth draft)
A common observation about literature is that it tells us something about ourselves and
the world in which we live. “Harrison Bergeron,” a short science fiction story, is not an
exception, examining the possible consequences of America’s obsession with creating a
completely equal society. The year is 2081, and anyone who is even slightly above “perfectly
average” is required to wear devices to mask beauty, strength and intelligence. The standard of
normalcy is adjusted to human society’s lowest level of abilities. Equality is achieved by
depriving some people of their natural abilities. In “Harrison Bergeron,” these attempts to attain
complete fairness illustrate only to find that equality and freedom are incompatible.
“Harrison Bergeron” suggests that seeking an even society results in lowering social
standards. Hazel is no smarter than others and not obliged to wear any handicap items. She has
“perfectly average intelligence,” although “she [cannot] think about anything except in short
bursts.” Hazel displays her low intellectual capacity in a couple of scenes. When watching a TV
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
69
show, she comments on the ballet performance: “That was a pretty dance, that dance they just
did,” “that dance-it was nice.” Judging from her remarks, Hazel is portrayed as very smart person.
In addition, Hazel says that, if she is the Handicapper General, she would “have chimes on
Sunday-just chimes. Kind of in honor of religion.” However, as George points out that he “[can]
think, if it [is] just chimes,” she is not aware that chimes do not sufficiently distract thoughts.
The simplicity and carelessness of the idea suggest her inability to think ahead and in detail.
Nevertheless, Hazel’s intelligence is considered as “perfectly average.” Thus, the average
intellectual level in this society is as low as Hazel’s.
The following conversation demonstrates how intellectual standard in this story is
degraded, in which George even forgets the subject of his own question.
‘There you are,’ said George. ‘The minute people start cheating on laws, what
do you think happens to society?’ If Hazel hadn’t been able to come up with
an answer to this question, George couldn’t have supplied one. A siren was
going off in his head. ‘Reckon it’d fall all apart,’ said Hazel. ‘What would?’
said George blankly. ‘Society,’ said Hazel uncertainly. ‘Wasn’t that you just
said?’ “Who knows?’ said George.
This collapsed communication happens because a noise of handicap accessories interrupts
George’s previous thoughts and even the topic of ongoing conversation.
The question here is why standards are coordinated to the lower not the higher. The
answer is that human’s physical and mental capacity is genetically predetermined. (Evidence)
Thus, this approach to equality is predisposed to lower the people with advantages. Consequently,
pursuit of total equality in a society compromises individual freedom.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
70
Harrison is the greatest victim of total equality. He needs to wear tremendous handicaps
that disable his talents because he is “a genius and an athlete.” When Harrison calls upon an
empress, a ballerina stands up and swiftly approaches to Harrison. After Harrison takes off her
handicap devices, she turns out to be “blindingly beautiful”. The fact that such an amazingly
pretty girl arose proves her repressed desire to liberate herself from handicaps and displays her
excellence. Both of the characters fall into the category of the superior; they enjoy no benefits of
equality but only sacrifice their freedom. This reveals that the idea of complete social equality
conflicts the fairness of the disadvantaged and individual freedom of the advantaged.
Hazel and George’s different reaction to ballerinas’ performance demonstrates the
inferior alone enjoys the benefits of equality. When two out of eight ballerinas crawl on the floor
in the midst of performance because of disturbing noise in their head, Hazel gets excited and
remarks it as “doozy.” On the other hand, George is horrified, looking “white” and starting
“trembling” because he empathizes dancers as his abilities are undermined as well. This scene of
the story suggests that, equality only satisfies the sense of fairness that people of inferior ability
have at the cost of the freedom of the superior ability.
Some scenes illustrate signs of resistance to complete equality. When Hazel and George
are conversing alone, Hazel allows George to take off his bag to rest his body by saying “I don’t
care if you’re not equal to me for a while.” Her remark indicates that slight inequality is
acceptable when it doesn’t conflict with her benefits. On other hand, George resists equality that
hampers excellence of entertainment. Seeing the masked and burdened ballerinas, George
slightly considers that dancers should be free of handicaps so that audience can fully enjoy their
beauty of performance. Those characters hold inner resistance to equality because equality
sacrifices freedom of being superior.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
71
The ending of this story carries significant messages from the author and evokes different
interpretations of this piece as social critique. Harrison serves as two symbols: a symbol of
freedom which represents the joy of gifted abilities, and a symbol of rule which poses a danger
of a person having power over people. On one hand, assassination of Harrison by the
Handicapper General means the irony of people seeking equality and freedom at the same time
in American society. ….
Yuko Nakajima (freshman)
Harrison Bergeron: Absence of Freedom in an Equal Society (final draft)
A common observation about literature is that it tells us something about ourselves and
the world in which we live. “Harrison Bergeron,” a short science fiction story, is no exception.
Comment [A89]: During editing, you
should strive to remove this sort of
repetition.
Through this work, Kurt Vonnegut examines the possible consequences of America’s obsession
with creating an equal society. In the year 2081, the Handicapper General requires anyone who is
above “perfectly average” to wear devices to mask beauty, strength, and intelligence. As a result
of legislating equality, a society’s standard of “normalcy” shifts downward by compromising
individual’s freedom to enjoy abilities. An attempt of creating an equal society also introduces
inequality for other people, specifically those at the top level. “Harrison Bergeron” suggests that,
when a society strives to attain equality, it benefits some people at the cost of freedom of others.
The different treatment of Hazel and Harrison illustrates who benefits from equality.
Hazel, having “perfectly average intelligence,” enjoys equality the most. She is not obliged to
wear any handicap devices because she is considered as “perfectly average.” She loses nothing
for the sake of social equality. In contrast, Harrison is a victim of the equal society who is
deprived of freedom. Because Harrison has way above-average abilities, he must wear
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A90]: I like the way you set
the context for your essay. Note that you
seem to have two theses here in the last two
sentences.
Comment [A91]: You have started the
paragraph with a conclusion. A standard
organizational principle is to present
evidence first and then the conclusion.
72
“tremendous” handicap devices to disable his physical and mental abilities. He wears heavy
“scrap metal” that limits his athletic abilities and sizeable earphones and sight-blocking lenses
that interrupt his thought process. Despite his expense for maintaining an equal society, Harrison
reaps no individual benefits from equality and rather loses his personal freedom. Thus, this story
seems to suggest that, when a society legislates equality, the laws benefit certain people by
eroding the freedom of other people.
Comment [A92]: Good points.
Equality in “Harrison Beregeron” is based on the assumption that an equal society levels
the standard of “normalcy” downward. Hazel’s mental challenges illustrate the lower standards
of the society. Although Hazel is considered to have “perfectly average intelligence,” her
intellect seems to be deficient. In fact, she displays her insufficient intelligence in multiple
Comment [A93]: Isn’t that the point?
scenes. When Hazel’s son was kidnapped by the Handicapper General, she cries, but just a
moment later, she forgets why she sheds tears. The following scene continues to illustrate
Hazel’s mental inability. When she is watching a TV show, Hazel repeats indistinct comments
Comment [A94]: Wrong word here.
on the ballet performance on the screen: “That was a pretty dance, that dance they just did . . .
that dance—it was nice.” These scenes suggest that Hazel is not able to sustain emotion and
think deeply. Thus, the description of Hazel that she is “perfectly average,” in contrast to her
deficient mental abilities, suggests that an equal society has low level of “normalcy.”
Comment [A95]: Yes.
Hattenhauer supports this point: “in a society in which no one is more intelligent than anyone
else, everyone would be as stupid as the most mentally deficient person in the populace” (391).
The pursuit of equality, therefore, jeopardizes the freedom of those who have higher
abilities. Harrison and George, who falls into the superior category, are deprived of enjoying
freedom to the best of their abilities. In other words, the society in which everyone is exactly the
same in ability wise undermines different human possibilities that improve the function of
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A96]: Problem with
agreement here.
73
society. Stanley Schatt also admits that "in any leveling process, what really is lost, according to
Vonnegut, is beauty, grace, and wisdom" (qtd. in Hattenhauer).
Comment [A97]: You needed a page
number for the reference.
The author’s highlight on the beauty of freedom in the climax scene is consistent with the
observation on the relation between equality and human abilities. Vonnegut illustrates Harrison
and a ballerina’s dance scene with romance and joy. Harrison takes off a ballerina’s handicaps
with “marvelous delicacy.” As he starts to dance with this “blindingly beautiful” girl, he dances
to the music, but soon he leads musicians as he wants music to be played. As a result, the music
Comment [A98]: This construction is
unclear.
is “much improved.” “[I]n and explosion of joy and grace,” Harrison and “his Empress” defy
gravity and soar up to the ceiling as if they defy a society’s force to bring people down. “[T]hey
kissed each other for a long, long time,” but in a little while the Handicapper General Diana
Moon Glampers comes into the studio and fires shotgun at them.
Comment [A99]: I’m not convinced
that you needed this much summary.
The climax scene suggests the consequences for cases when equality does not limit
people’s abilities. For instance, when Harrison tells the musicians to play a music he wants, the
performance is “much improved,” which means that the quality of performance improves with
better abilities. Moreover, Harrison and the ballerina’s bodies weightlessly flying up to the
ceiling can be interpreted that peoples’ abilities are enhanced upwards when no handicaps are
applied. In an elevated state of the emotion, they “kissed the ceiling” with their “obvious
intention” which demonstrates that they attain the joy of using better abilities and freedom of
doing so. The author’s description of the ending scene provokes the readers’ sympathy towards
Harrison and the ballerina, suggesting Vonnegut’s emphasis on the freedom of better abilities.
The assassination of Harrison and his Empress at the end is a message that obsession with
equality compromises freedom and freed use of abilities, resulting in an “anti-intellectual”
society (Hattenhauer 390).
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A100]: I agree, but you are
asking your readers to work fairly hard to
grasp your point. Try to work on clarity
during the next assignment.
74
An attempt to legislate equality in “Harrison Bergeron” also suggests irony that
inequality still persists in a supposedly equal society. The purpose of enforcing laws that
promote equality is to ensure that no one behaves in an unequal way. The Handicapper General
agents take this role in this story; they supervise citizens to ensure that laws of equality are
enforced and punish violators. The Handicapper General has an independent control over
citizens, which indicates that hierarchy—unequal social class separation—still exists in an
allegedly equal society.
Comment [A101]: So is Vonnegut
telling us that total equality is impossible?
Moreover, the equal society creates another inequality. Harrison is treated unequally with
others and must bear massive handicaps that are much heavier and more restrictive, whereas
Hazel is not required to wear any handicaps. Even Hazel, supposedly a beneficiary of equality,
also feels unequal with people under handicaps. When earphone transmitters buzzed in George’s
ears, Hazel says, “I’d think it would be real interesting, hearing all the different sounds,” with a
little jealousy. It is ironic that handicaps that are intent on attaining equality for all people evoke
unequal feelings in some of its members.
The goal of equality raises the question of why unequal emotions still remain in a
“perfect” society. To make everyone’s abilities the same, the Handicapper General requires
devices that impede thought process, cover beauty, and limit physical strength. However, those
handicaps do not remove the abilities; they only hinder the abilities. In other words, what the
society in this story tries to equalize are people’s natural abilities that are innately different such
as appearance, height, and strength. As a result, when achieving equality, the society
automatically suppresses people’s natural abilities. Therefore, the author provides a message that,
creating social equality is impossible because it results in introducing class division and unequal
treatments that in the end makes society unequal.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A102]: Ok, but I think you
could have offered this conclusion earlier.
75
“Harrison Bergeron,” therefore, serves as a social critique of American society’s
obsession with equality which, as Vonnegut shows, causes inequality for different populations.
Affirmative action on college admission in the United States is an example. The affirmative
action in higher education intends to give equal opportunity to the underrepresented students
who have disadvantaged backgrounds due to the previous racial discrimination. To address the
unequal settings for racial minorities, some public universities decided to take races and ethnicity
into consideration for admission criteria in a point-added system in which racial factors can make
decisive difference between whites and other minority groups (Downing et al.). A white
applicant then started to suit sue the Regents of University of California for unequal admission
selection process in 1978 (Gaye 452). Although initially aimed to provide educational
opportunities to applicants with disadvantaged racial circumstances, the affirmative action
resulted in introducing inequality to white applicants. This social mediation in equality
exemplifies that the attempt to reduce inequality conversely creates another inequality.
In conclusion, in the light of “Harrison Bergeron,” equality and freedom, often aspired at
the same time, are incompatible. By satirizing the flawed equality depicted in “Harrison
Bergeron,” Vonnegut illustrates possible consequences of achieving equality in which a society
must sacrifice freedom of some people, shift the social norms downward, and create inequality.
His insight is still alive today not only in the United States, but in any attempt to achieve equality.
From the past to present and present to the future, equality deludes people with its ideal picture
and will continue to do so.
Works Cited
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
76
Downing, Roberta, et al. "Affirmative Action in Higher Education." Diversity Factor 2002: 1520. ABI/INFORM Complete; ProQuest Research Library. Web. 26 Mar. 2012.
Gaye, Zachariah Z., et al. “Affirmative Action in the United States: Issues and Challenges for the
21st Century.” Ethnic News Watch. Web. 26 Mar. 2012.
Hattenhauer, Darryl. “The Politics of Kurt Vonneguts ‘Harrison Bergeron’.” Studies in Short
Fiction 35.4 (1998): 387-92.ProQuest Research Library. Web. 25 Mar. 2012.
Analysis
Yuko’s paper is interesting because it illustrates what NESB students can do when they
are willing to invest the effort required to improve their writing proficiency—and when they
have faculty support to do so. When we review the various drafts of her paper, we see Yuko
slowly gaining better control over English sentence structure and word choice. In many instances,
her meaning is unclear, but we see more complex structures and ideas. Her grade reflects the
progress she has made, but it also indicates that she has more work ahead.
Bryanna Streeter (freshman)
An Analysis of Kurt Vonnegut’s “Harrison Bergeron” and the Obsession with Equality
(final draft, no initial drafts were submitted)
The Declaration of Independence states that “all men are created equal” (U.S. 1776). For
Thomas Jefferson, the idea of equality was related to specific “God given” rights: “life, liberty,
and the pursuit of happiness.” No evidence exists supporting the idea that he and the other
Founding Fathers entertained the notion of civil rights, matrimonial rights, or any other rights
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A103]: You have analyzed
the story quite thoroughly and
communicated its major messages. Your
paper would have been much stronger had
you edited it a bit more to achieve great
clarity and conciseness. You will want to
work on this next time.
Grade = C
77
outside the domain of the Divine. But over the years that followed, the concept of equality
expanded through social development that extended our understanding of civil rights to include
equality for women, non-white citizens, and so on. The majority of Americans today overvalue
equitability and misjudge its meaning to the point where it has become a topic of heavy debate.
More people tend to favor fairness and disparage competition in their attempts to give everyone
the same opportunities. Kurt Vonnegut Jr. creates a society in his short story “Harrison Bergeron”
Comment [A104]: I like the
introduction, but do you see that you make
quite a leap from the first full sentence here
to the next?
Comment [A105]: This phrase isn’t a
clear as it needs to be. Can you see why?
in which everyone is supposedly “equal.” The absurdity of the futuristic egalitarian society that
Vonnegut creates serves as a warning for what humanity’s attempts to obtain total equality could
Comment [A106]: Ok, but is this a
strong thesis?
entail.
Vonnegut’s tale takes place in the United States during the year 2081. To make
everybody equal, those with above-average characteristics are given handicaps that hinder them
from utilizing their full potential. Harrison Bergeron is a very abnormal teenager who stands
seven feet tall and has superior strength, intellect, and appearance. One day, he is taken away
from his home by order of the Handicapper General, Diana Moon Glampers, and attempts to
rebel against the totalitarian government on television. His uprising ends in failure as he and his
ballerina Empress are shot down by the Handicapper General. Vonnegut’s story functions as a
social critique of both today’s current U.S. government and the authoritarian governments that
existed in the 1960s.
The future society in “Harrison Bergeron” operates on a system reminiscent of
communism. Vonnegut’s satire was published in 1961, a time when the United States was in the
midst of the Cold War against the Soviet Union. Many Americans feared not only nuclear
destruction, but also the expanding influence of communism and socialism throughout the world.
Although the Cold War has long since ceased, President Barack Obama’s current administration
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A107]: Hmmm. This seems
to be a second thesis. Given the brevity of
the paper, it will be hard to argue and
support both theses.
78
faces criticisms that the United States government is becoming too socialist. In its attempt to
make life “fair” for the impoverished and needy, the government takes money from middle and
high-class families and redistributes it to services for the poor and elderly, such as Social
Security and Medicare. This system reflects the communist idea of taking from the rich and
bringing everyone down to the proletariat level, which Vonnegut satirizes through the United
States of 2081.
The U.S. places high significance on the value of equality and contradicts the American
Comment [A108]: A very interesting
analysis. I believe it could have been
stronger had you examined what “fair”
means.
Dream of using perseverance and education to move up through social and economic classes
(Akers and Moore 168). In “Harrison Bergeron,” achieving success through the American Dream
is no longer possible. The society has become classless, with the exception of the Handicapper
General and her operatives. The emphasis on equality has overshadowed all other values so
much that, according to lawyer Tristan L. Duncan, “This equality eventually leads to the
destruction of individual liberty, happiness, and finally, life itself” (qtd. in Johnson). Societies
resembling Harrison Bergeron’s world and the Soviet Union are too idealistic for such values to
be achievable. This idealism leads to the formation of corrupt dystopian regimes rather than
utopian societies.
The application of total equality requires the eradication of competition. When a ballerina
reads a television announcement in her natural voice, which is described as a “warm, luminous,
timeless melody,” she immediately apologizes and makes her voice “absolutely uncompetitive”
by speaking in a “grackle squawk” (Vonnegut 3). Harrison’s father, George, refers to the days
when competition existed as “the dark ages” (Vonnegut 2). The governing principle of fairness
in “Harrison Bergeron” results in a widespread fear of a competitive world that allows people,
such as George and Hazel, to become dependent on the government’s power. Hazel, a woman of
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A109]: Good use of
secondary sources here.
79
average intelligence, becomes so dependent that she cannot think for herself properly. Hazel’s
repetition of “Gee - I could tell that one was a doozy” when she misinterprets George’s
expression of “You can say that again” in a literal sense indicates how she blindly follows
whatever is said to her without thinking it through (Vonnegut 5).
Even so, some potential for dissent and diversity still exists in Harrison’s parents. A
thought that the ballerinas should not have handicaps hindering their abilities creeps into
George’s mind before it is disrupted by his transmitter. Hazel suggests he takes some of his
weights off for a little while, but George insists he is fine and tells her “I don’t mind it…It’s just
a part of me” (Vonnegut 2). George’s nonchalant acceptance of his weights demonstrates his
acceptance of the dysfunctional society they live in. The readers are aware of George’s mental
capabilities, as it is explicitly stated in the beginning that “his intelligence was way above normal”
(Vonnegut 1). He is not being forced to wear the weights or the transmitter; he makes a choice.
Ironically, he uses his free will in this single decision to suppress his free will in all other matters
pertaining to his life. The potential for change will never flourish into a threat if the government
is able to condition its citizens to become like George.
Martha Meek observes that the idea of equality has been transformed and manipulated
into “an instrument of social control” (qtd. in Alvarez 175). Joseph Alvarez notes that although
various handicaps are placed on those who are above average, “No attempt is made to elevate
Comment [A110]: Interesting. I wish
you had explored this idea. Doing so would
have strengthened your analysis.
them [those below normal] to normal or average surfaces” (175). Instead of helping the
television announcer improve his abilities to become average despite his speech impediment, the
government simply makes all announcers have a speech impediment. In addition, the purpose of
the radio transmitters is stated as a way “to keep people like George from taking unfair
advantage of their brains” (Vonnegut 1). The Handicapper General’s government may rule with
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A111]: Well, yes. The goal
of socialist societies is to force everyone
into the lowest level of the social stratum—
everyone except for the ruling elite, of
course.
80
the pretense of upholding equality, but its true goal is suppressing those with skills capable of
opposing the group currently in power.
Meek’s inference makes one doubt the Handicapper General’s normalcy. A “classless”
society is usually regulated by a small group of elites that reap all the benefits. This
governmental structure has been exemplified by several communist regimes throughout the
twentieth century, such as the Soviet Union, as well as in totalitarian literature, such as George
Orwell’s 1984. It is possible that Diana Moon Glampers and her H-G men, as the leaders of this
futuristic country, are members of this group and have superior intelligence to maintain control
over the population. However, it is also possible that “everyone is lowered to meet the H-G’s
standard” (Mowery 177). The likelihood of the latter is not completely unfounded since Hazel
says she could “make a good Handicapper General,” telling George, “Who knows better than I
do what normal is?” (Vonnegut 2). The Handicapper General might just be a puppet used to
represent the “normal” standard while another group of higher-ups exert true total control behind
the scenes. Whichever case it may be, warnings of socialist hierarchies and their consequences
are evident in the world of “Harrison Bergeron.”
At first glance, readers might sympathize with Harrison’s plight and perceive him as the
heroic protagonist overthrowing a Leftist dictatorship. But Hattenhauer points out, “Those who
hold Harrison up as a model of freedom overlook the fact that he is a would-be dictator” (391).
When Harrison appears on television to instigate his rebellion, he declares, “I am the Emperor!
Everybody must do what I say at once!” (Vonnegut 3). Rather than freeing the public of the
current authoritarian rule, Harrison tries to replace the first totalitarian government with his own.
As the single rebel, Harrison distinguishes himself from the hoi polloi with his unique attributes
and recognizes the advantages of being superior. If Harrison were to free the masses from their
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A112]: Ah. Yes. This is
good.
81
restrictions, then a few who also possess above-average qualities will compete with him.
Harrison must keep the masses ignorant and subdued in order to remain illustrious. As Akers and
Moore state, Harrison is the Ubermensch (“Superman”), and his one flaw is the fact that he
cannot recognize his own corruption (168).
It is unlikely that human beings will ever achieve true and total equality. Robert John
Araujo explains that “Such an equality would be inconsistent with the whole economy of
nature…there are, and must be, distinctions among men” (Araujo 113). The diversity of thought,
appearance, culture, and other components of life are what make people human. Without such
variety, the world would be full of Georges and Hazels, resigned to a life of no free will and
robotic repetition whenever somebody says, “You can say that again.” The exaggeration of
fairness and how it is enforced in Vonnegut’s story “satirizes the American definition of freedom
as the greatest good for the smallest number,” a path that will inevitably lead to totalitarian social
control (Hattenhauer 391). Total equality does not entail freedom, but freedom does entail
inequality that will make life unfair for many.
Works Cited
Akers, Tim, ed. and ed. Jerry Moore. “Harrison Bergeron.” Short Stories for Students. Vol. 5.
Detroit: Gale Group, 1999. 163–180. Gale Virtual Reference Library. Web. 5 Mar. 2013.
Alvarez, Joseph. “An Overview of ‘Harrison Bergeron’.” Short Stories for Students. Vol. 5.
Detroit: Gale Group, 1999. 173–176. Gale Virtual Reference Library. Web. 5 Mar. 2013.
Araujo, Robert John. “What is Equality? Arguing the Reality and Dispelling the Myth: An
Inquiry in a Legal Definition for the American Context.” Quinnipiac Law Review 27.1
(2009): 113. LexisNexis Academic. Web. 5 Mar. 2013.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
82
Hattenhauer, Darryl. “The Politics of Kurt Vonnegut’s ‘Harrison Bergeron’.” Studies in Short
Fiction 35.4 (1998): 387–392. MLA International Bibliography. Web. 3 Mar. 2013.
Johnson, Robert C. “Literary License.” Education Week 24.37 (2005): 15. ProQuest Research
Library. Web. 5 Mar. 2013.
Mowery, Carl. “An Overview of ‘Harrison Bergeron’.” Short Stories for Students. Vol. 5. Detroit:
Gale Group, 1999. 176–179. Gale Virtual Reference Library. Web. 5 Mar. 2013.
Vonnegut, Jr., Kurt. “Harrison Bergeron.” Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction. Oct. 1961:
1-5. Print.
Comment [A113]: Excellent work. I
enjoyed reading this. Keep up the good
work.
Grade = A
Analysis
We saw in Assignment 1 that Bryanna is a skilled writer, and this paper reinforces that
perception. The writing is clear, intelligent, and focused. She carefully uses references to the
story to anchor her analysis, and she provides relevant secondary sources for support. The paper
is easy to read, and her formatting throughout is correct. Few freshmen are capable of this level
of performance.
Assignment 3
Although culture has a variety of effects on what is deemed attractive in mates, numerous
studies have linked attractiveness to specific personal characteristics that fall outside the
parameters of society and, indeed, seem to be rooted in human biology. For example, body
weight and attractiveness in women varies by culture, but men, regarless of culture, desire a
ration between waist and hip size that does not. Likewise, for women, attractiveness in men is
linked to height regardless of culture. That is, they find tall men more desirable than shorter men.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
83
Your handouts on this topic provide an introduction to some of the factors that have been
identified as being associated with attractiveness and mate selection. A frequent discussion in the
older literature is the topic of “reproduction investment,” which maintains that males have little
investment in children, whereas females have a significant investment. More recent research has
challenged the early emphasis on this topic, noting that most men—as long-term providers for
their children—indeed make a significant investment.
For this assignment, you will use any of the available dating websites to collect
information that is related to dating behavior and physical and situational characteristics. Note
that research begins with one or more hypotheses. For example, one might hypothesize that
men—regardless of age—are likely to emphasize that they are seeking a woman who is young
and physically attractive. Or one might hypothesize that men are likely to deemphasize a
woman’s financial status. From the opposite perspective, one might hypothesize that women are
likely to emphasize that they are seeking a man who is financially secure, with less emphasis on
a man’s physical appearance.
You will collect data on at least 50 positing, 25 female and 25 male. You then will create
a grid listing what is person’s add states he or she is seeking and what he or she is offering. You
will tabulate the results to generate an overall profile for males’ and females’ preferences.
The paper will follow APA formatting conventions and will be at least 8 pages long. You
will be writing a report of empirical research. APA formatting requires that your completed
paper have the following sections:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
title page
abstract
literature review
methods
results
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
84
6. discussion
7. references
8. tables and graphs
Successful papers will present a clear introduction to the topic as part of the review of the
literature, a clear description of methods, a detailed description of how the data were
analyzed to produce the results, and a clear discussion that interprets the results and
addresses their significance.
Analysis
Although this assignment is listed here as Assignment 3, it actually is the last assignment
of the course. It therefore provides a perspective on how the professor sequenced his assignments.
In addition, it illustrates how assignments become more challenging as the sequence progresses.
What may be most obvious is that this assignment is substantially more difficult than the
previous two. It asks students to replicate studies in psychology that have investigated mating
preferences using online dating sites. As such, it is identical to the sort of assignments that
undergraduates sometimes receive in psychology courses. It involves actual data collection and
analysis of the data.
When we examine the entire sequence, the misalignment between secondary and college
writing standards and expectations is clear. None of the secondary-level assignment submitted
for this website engaged students in data collection, and few required analysis.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
85
Student Papers
Wei San Loh (freshman)
Are Men and Women Looking Beyond Physical Attractivenes and Resources for Their
Prospective Mates? (first draft)
Humans, like most living creatures, are defined by their gender. This gender
identification can be observed in children who are 5 years old or even younger based on their
choice of toys, clothes, hair length, games, and play activities. Children’s behavior in identifying
their gender is partly influenced by their peers and adults, whose behaviors, attitudes, and
reactions are shaped by sex-role socialization in society (Carter, B.D and McCloskey, L.A, 1984).
For example, girls may prefer long hair, whereas boys often prefer short hair because their
parents are their role models.
These patterns of preferences for appearance also extend to choice of mates. Carter and
McCloskey (1984) proposed that children of different ages expect certain types of behavior from
the opposite sex. Interestingly, this expectation is applicable not only to children but to all ages.
The preference of opposite partner is evident when women and men are looking for relationships.
They expect certain types of behaviors from their mates as well: women prefer men who are
athletic, a few years older than they are, and financially stable; whereas men prefer women who
are younger, sporty, and good cooks. The preference for certain traits of the opposite gender have
unconsciously shaped the characteristics that men and women seek in the opposite gender.
According to evolutionary theory, those preferences across gender are based on and were
shaped by our evolutionary past. From the biological perspective, females are obligated to take
care of their offspring from the beginning of their infancy, as in breastfeeding to years of
caretaking. Thus, in terms of the cost of reproduction, males contribute fewer costs (sperm) in
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
86
comparison to females who carry months of pregnancy and years of dependent care. Males seek
to maximize the number of offspring they can produce by seeking multiple mates, whereas
females seek to maximize the survival of their offspring (Waynforth & Dunbar, 1995).
Given that women have higher reproduction costs than men, they tend to seek reliable
men who can provide financial support for them and their offspring (Trivers, 1972). This search
not only secures women, especially during their pregnancy, from lack of necessities such as food,
but also ensures the survival of their offspring in the long run. Unlike women, who seek
economic resources and security, men are attracted to physical appearance that indicates
women’s fertility (Stanik and Ellsworth, 2010). By targeting younger females, males will be
more likely to have offspring and preserve their gene line.
This evolution theory sparked researchers to investigate further the criteria that both men
and women seek in their desired partners. They found that both genders were looking for certain
attributes in the opposite sex, such as physical attractiveness and stability. For instance, Jӕger
(2011) argued that physical attractiveness had an effect on socio-economic and marital success.
Jӕger used data from the Wisconsin Longitudinal Study that consisted of 10,317 men and
women who graduated from Wisconsin high schools in 1957. Data were collected by using
indicators of facial attractiveness based on respondents’ high school yearbook photos that were
taken when the respondents were approximately 18. The results suggested that physical
attractiveness influences men’s socio-economic status, and facial attractiveness affects the
possibility of both men and women being married. Hence, this can explain the reason that
women were looking for physically attractive men because they have a strong tendency to relate
men’s physical attractiveness to their potential socio-economic success.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
87
Todd, P.M., Penke, E., Fasolo, B., and Centon, A.P. (2007) claimed that people chose
mates based on evolutionary theory rather than following the “likes-attract” pattern. Todd et al.
gathered data from a speed-dating session by working in cooperation with FastDating, a
company based in Munich. The study showed that men appeared to make their decisions based
on women’s physical attractiveness. Women, being aware that men place high importance on
this trait, adjusted their self-perception as to their own attractiveness. Women who believed that
they were attractive tended to seek higher quality men. Less attractive women, in contrast,
tended to adjust their sights downwards. The study showed that both men’s and women’s choices
were influenced by women’s physical appearance.
Jonason, P.K., Li, N.P., Madson, L. (2012) also studied the influence of physical
appearance in mating behavior. They claimed that men had a stronger preference than women for
a short-term mate to have a nice body because the body signaled women’s fertility. Participants
were asked about their desired level of body attractiveness, facial attractiveness, sincerity, and
their ambition in long-term and short-term mates based on a 5-point rating scale. The study
supported Jonason et al.’s claim regarding men and notions of women’s fertility, which is
believed to be an evolved adaptation.
This evolved adaptation not only involved physical attractiveness, but also included
resources related to security. Jonason, P.K., Raulston, T., & Rotolo A. (2011) suggested that
resources (earned money or inherited money) were one of the tools to determine mate
preferences. Participants were asked to answer forced-choice questions regarding which of two
men they would choose for a romantic relationship, marriage, casual sex, and a one-night stand.
The study showed that women were more likely to choose short-term and long-term mates who
earned their money over those who inherited money. Vigil, J.M., Geary, D.C., Byrd-Craven, J.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
88
(2006) examined low-income women’s mate choice preferences between long-term and shortterm mates. Participants were given surveys regarding family background, self-rating, life history,
and current circumstances. Then, they were asked to fill out a mate preference questionnaire. The
study showed that in a long-term mate women stressed commitment (a mate with financial
stability), whereas they stressed attractiveness in a short-term mate.
Besides suggesting the conventional findings (men seek physical attractiveness, whereas
women seek resources), research showed that individuals’ preferences differ according to their
age. Buunk, B.P., Dikstra, P., Fetchienhauer, D., and Kenrick, D. T. (2002) investigated the
relationships of different levels of relationship involvements (marriage, serious relationships,
falling in love, casual sex, and sexual fantasies) among individuals aged 20, 30, 40, 50 and 60.
Participants were asked to indicate their mate preferences with respect to intelligence, income,
physical attractiveness, education, social position, and self-confidence based on 7-point scales
ranging from 1=much less than me to 7= much more than me. The data suggested that partner
selection differ a little among various age groups: older participants are more selective with
regard to education.
The Present Study
Shackelford, T.K., Schmitt, D.P., Buss, D.M. (2005) examined the universal mate
preference dimensions to further determine whether men and women are looking for physical
attractiveness and resources globally. They used a database of preference ratings provided by
several thousand respondents from samples on six continents and five islands. The study showed
that there were four universal mate preference criteria: resources, good looks/health, sociability,
and warmth (trustworthiness). The results of their study suggested that there were criteria beyond
physical and resources that influenced mate’s choices. Given the importance of this issue, more
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
89
research is clearly necessary. The present study, therefore, is designed to confirm whether both
men and women are looking for criteria beyond physical attractiveness and resources such as
kindness/trustworthiness and sociability; and to investigate whether different ages of individuals
have different mate preferences.
Hypotheses. (1) Following Shackelford et al. (2005), it is predicted that the results will
show that both men and women are looking for criteria beyond physical attractiveness and
resources. (2) The study also hypothesizes that at different ages, people manifest different
preferences.
Methods
A total of 100 personal advertisements were gathered from an online dating website:
match.com. Fifty ads were selected from each of the following categories: men seeking women
and women seeking men. Each set of 50 ads was divided and analyzed from five different age
groups: 20–29, 30–39, 40–49, 50–59 and 60–69 or above. The study focused on the US only, so
foreigners’ ads were excluded.
On match.com, to be accepted or included in the data collection, every personal
advertisement must provide an individual photo. A personal advertisement included an
individual photo (at least one photo), a profile that indicated what the advertiser was offering and
seeking in his or her partner. Those categories in the profile were grouped into physical
attractiveness (height, weight, eye/ hair color, body type), resources (income level, educational
level), and personality traits / others (sense of humor, honest, etc.). A list of terminology was
grouped into those three groups and was attached in Table 1. The repeated terms were not added
into Table 1. From the ads selected, individuals who included terms that involved any of the
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
90
categories in Table 1 were calculated in percentage to get the exact statistics of individuals who
are seeking physical attractiveness, resources, and personality traits/others respectively.
By collecting data for each age-range, the advertisers’ preferences for their future mates
were identified. Their preferences were categorized into five main groups—physical appearance,
resources, educational level/intelligence, desire for long-term relationships, and desire for shortterm relationships. The importance of those preferences was displayed using a 5-point scale, 1
being the least important and 5 being the most important.
Results
By collecting all terminology used to characterize a person’s seeking and offering for a
potential partner, the data showed that 46 (92%) women were looking for men who were taller
than them, whereas four (8%) women allowed the height of their prospective partners to range a
few centimeters shorter or higher than them. There were 16 (32%) men looking for women
whose height ranged from lower to significantly higher than them, whereas 34 (68%) men were
looking for women who were shorter than them.
Additionally, ten (20%) women did not have any preference for body type of their
prospective partner, whereas 40 (80%) women provided at least one term related to male
physicality. Men had a similar pattern, with the majority also seeking attractive physical
attributes. Six (12%) men did not have any preference for their potential mates in terms of body
type, whereas 44 (78%) men had provided at least one term indicating physical attractiveness
(body type) in their future mates.
By integrating women and men’s percentage on providing terms related to physical
attractiveness, there were 91% users who offered or seek for at least a term in their potential
partner. The second column—resources, had 81% posters who offered or seek for at least a term
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
91
related to educational level, income level, career, etc. Besides physical attractiveness and
resources, the data showed that both men and women seek personal characteristics, such as
honesty, respect, kindness, etc. The data showed that 100% selected users offered or seek for
personality traits. The personality traits that users were mostly offering and seeking pointed
towards long-term relationships.
There were 89% of the participants who were social drinkers preferred their prospective
mates to be social drinkers as well. Besides personality traits, sociability is one aspect that men
and women were offering and looking for. Hence, the study suggested that both men and women
were looking for criteria beyond physical attractiveness and resources, which confirmed
hypothesis number one.
Different categories of gender with different age-ranges were presented in Table 2.
Women and men stressed one attribute over the other differently according to their age. Women
were divided into five groups according to their ages. Using a 5-point scale with 5 being the most
important, women aged 20–29 placed physical attractiveness as 5, desire for short term
relationships as 4, followed by socio-economic and educational level. Unlike the previous group,
women aged 30–39 had 4 for educational level after physical attractiveness. This group and the
previous group of women placed desire for long term relationship at the least important. Women
aged 40–49 had socio-economic at 4, which is the second most important criteria for them after
physical attractiveness. Women aged 50-69 had similar preference on mates. Their desire for
long term relationships was 4 followed by educational level, socio-economic status, and shortterm relationships, respectively. Thus, data showed that as women’s age increased, they tended
to seek long-term relationships more than educational level and socio-economic status from their
mates.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
92
Table 2 showed that all men, similar to women, placed physical appearance as the most
important criteria regardless of the age difference. Men aged 20–29 placed desire for short term
as the second most important criteria (4 out of 5-point scale), followed education level (3 out of
5-point scale), and resources as least important. In contrast to this group, men aged 30–39 placed
educational level as the second most important feature, desire for short-term relationships as the
third important criteria (3 out of a 5-point scale), and socio-economic status as the second least
important. Men aged 40–65 placed long term relationships as second priority after physical
appearance.
Discussion
Overall, this study aimed to replicate Shackelford et al.’s (2005) study to examine
whether both men and women seek criteria beyond physical attractiveness and resources. The
study also hypothesized that at different ages, people manifest different preferences, which
confirm the above investigation to a greater extent. The study showed that, in general, both men
and women were looking for physical attractiveness, socio-economic status, and commitment.
Hence, the study supported Shackelford et al. (2005)’s results that individual mates preferences
are beyond physical attractiveness and resources.
From the data collected, it was found that most young men and women (aged 20–29)
were not looking for long-term relationships. Most of the terminology that they used to describe
what they were offering and seeking were related to someone to have fun with, someone to share
the same interests, or someone who has a sense of humor. Their preference perhaps is because
large number of the users are still studying and not seeking long term relationships. However,
men aged 30–39 placed higher importance on educational level than women with the same agerange. This, perhaps, is due to the desire of men wanting to engage themselves in relationships
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
93
and wanting their partner to get into more serious and thoughtful conversations so that their
relationship would last longer. Women (aged 40–49) chose the socio-economic status of their
partner as more important. This, perhaps, is because women’s concern about the economics costs
of raising children is greater than men’s. Hence, most low income women might want financially
stable men to be their potential partner. However, more investigation is necessary to validate this
assumption.
The data also showed that different age groups of men and women have different
preferences for the age of their prospective partner. The study found that young women (age: 20–
39) tend to look for older men within a range of ten years older than themselves whereas older
women (age: 40–65) tend to look for a partner of the same age or within five years older than
themselves. Young men (age: 20–49) look for younger women or a few years older than them. In
contrast to older women, older men (age: 50–65) look for a wider age-range of women in general.
However, some older men were more likely looking for women who were significantly younger
than them. This phenomenon is related to the evolution theory. Men want to look for more fertile
women who can help them successfully pass on their genes to their offspring. Women, on the
other hand, look for financial stable men to support the living cost of bearing offspring.
In conclusion, the results supported the hypotheses of this study. Men and women look
for criteria beyond physical attractiveness and resources in relationships. Also, at different ages,
people would opt for different preferences.
References
Bunk, B. P., Dijkstra, P., Fetchienhauer, D., and Kenrick, D. T. (2002). Age and
gender differences in mate selection criteria for various involvement levels.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
94
Personal Relationships, 9, 271–278.
Carter, D. B. and McCloskey, L.A. (1983). Peers and the maintenance of sex-typed
behavior: The development of children’s conceptions of cross-gender behavior in
their peers. Social cognition, 2, 293–314.
Hönekopp, J., Rudolph, U., Beier, L., Liebert, A., & Müller, C. (2007). Physical
attractiveness of face and body as indicators of physical fitness in men. Evolution
and Human Behavior, 28, 106–111.
Jonason, P.K., Raulston, T., & Rotolo A. (2011). More than just a pretty face and a hot
body. The journal of social psychology, 152, 174–184.
Jonason, P.K., Li, N.P., & Madson, L. (2012). It is not all about the Benjamins:
Understanding preferences for mates with resources. Personality and Individual
Differences, 52, 306–310.
Jӕger, M.M. (2011). “A thing of beauty is a joy forever”? Returns to physical
attractiveness over the life course. Social Forces, 89, 983–1004.
Sefcek, J. A., Brumbach, B.H., Vasquez, G., & Miller, G.F. (2007). The evolutionary
psychology and human mate choice: How ecology, genes, fertility, and fashion
influence mating behavior. Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality,18, 125–
182.
Shackelford, T.K., Schmitt, D.P., Buss, D.M. (2005). Universal dimensions of human
mate preferences. Personality and Individual Differences, 39, 447–458.
Stanik. C.E. & Ellsworth, P. C. (2010). Who cares about marrying a rich man?
Intelligence and variation in women’s mate preferences. Hum Nat, 21, 203–217.
Todd, P.M., Penke, E., Fasolo, B., and Centon, A.P. (2007). Different cognitive
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
95
processes underlie human mate choices and mate preferences. Proceedings of the
National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, 104, 15011–15016.
Trivers, R. (1972). Parental investment and sexual selection. In B. Campbell (Ed.),
Sexual selection and the descent of man, 1871-1971 (pp. 136–179). Chicago:
Aldine.
Vigil, J.M., Geary, D.C., Byrd-Craven, J. (2006). Trade-offs in low-income women’s
mate preferences. Human nature,17, 319–336.
Waynforth, D. & Dunbar, R.I.M. (1995). Conditional mate choice strategies in humans:
Evidence from “Lonely Hearts” advertisements. Behavior, 132, 755–779.
Wei San Loh (freshman)
Are Men and Women Looking Beyond Physical Attractiveness and Resources for Their
Prospective Mates? (final)
Humans, like most living creatures, are defined by their gender. This gender
identification can be observed in children who are five years old or even younger based on their
choice of toys, clothes, hair length, games, and play activities. Children’s behavior in identifying
their gender is partly influenced by their peers and adults, whose behaviors, attitudes, and
reactions are shaped by sex-role socialization in society (Carter & McCloskey, 1984, p. 295). For
example, girls may prefer long hair, whereas boys often prefer short hair because their parents
Comment [A114]: Yes, but doesn’t
evolutionary psychology also maintain that
these behaviors are genetically based?
Adding this “part” to your explanation
would have made the paper stronger.
may be their role models.
These patterns of preferences for appearance also extend to mate choice. Carter and
McCloskey (1984) proposed that children of different ages expect certain types of behavior from
the opposite sex (p. 294). Interestingly, this expectation is applicable not only to children but to
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A115]: The problem here is
that as a replication study, your report is
examining the role of genes on mating
preferences. Because you did not mention
genetic influences, this statement implies
that matting preferences are based on social
factors. The research does not show that.
96
all ages. When women and men are looking for relationships, they expect certain types of
behaviors from their mates: women prefer men who are athletic, a few years older than they are,
and financially stable; whereas men prefer women who are younger, sporty, and good cooks.
According to evolutionary theory, those preferences across gender are shaped by our
evolutionary past. From the biological perspective, females are obligated to take care of their
Comment [A116]: Yes, but I think you
introduced this statement too late.
offspring. From the offspring’s infancy, they provide breastfeeding and years of caretaking. Thus,
males contribute fewer reproduction costs (sperm) than females who carry months of pregnancy
and years of dependent care. Males seek to maximize the offspring number they can produce by
seeking multiple mates, whereas females seek to maximize their offspring’s potential to survive
(Waynforth & Dunbar, 1995).
Given that women have higher reproduction costs than men, they tend to seek reliable
partners who can provide financial support for them and their offspring (Trivers, 1972). This
search not only secures women, especially during their pregnancy, from necessities’ scarcity, but
also ensures their offspring’s survival in the long run. Unlike women, who seek economic
resources and security, men are attracted to physical appearance that indicates women’s fertility
(Stanik & Ellsworth, 2010). By targeting younger females, males will be more likely to have
offspring and preserve their gene line.
This evolution theory sparked researchers to investigate further the criteria that both men
and women seek in their desired partners. They found that both genders were looking for certain
attributes in the opposite sex, such as physical attractiveness and stability. For instance, Jӕger
(2011) argued that physical attractiveness had an effect on socioeconomic and marital success.
Jӕger used data from the Wisconsin Longitudinal Study that consisted of 10,317 men and
women who graduated from Wisconsin high schools in 1957. Data were collected by using
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A117]: We talked about this
in class. If one is examining the simple act
of coitus and the females subsequent
gravidity, Trivers was correct. When we
look at humans as a species, however, we
find not only that we are largely
monogamous but also that fathers invest a
huge percentage of their resources in their
children.
97
indicators of facial attractiveness based on respondents’ high school yearbook photos taken when
the respondents were approximately 18 years old. The results suggested that physical
attractiveness influences men’s socioeconomic status, and facial attractiveness affects the
possibility of both men and women being married. Hence, this may explain the reason that
women look for physically attractive men because they have a strong tendency to relate men’s
physical attractiveness to their potential socioeconomic success.
Todd, Penke, Fasolo, and Centon (2007) claimed that people chose mates based on
evolutionary theory rather than following the “likes-attract” pattern. Todd et al. gathered data
from a speed-dating session by cooperating with FastDating, a company based in Munich. The
study showed that men appeared to make their decisions based on women’s physical
attractiveness. Women, being aware that men placed high importance on this trait, adjusted their
self-perception as to their own attractiveness. Women who believed that they were attractive
tended to seek higher quality men. In contrast, those women who felt less attractive tended to
adjust their sights downwards. The study showed that both men’s and women’s choices were
influenced by women’s physical appearance.
Jonason, Li, and Madson (2012) also studied the influence of physical appearance in
mating behavior. They hypothesized that men had a stronger preference than women for a shortterm mate with a nice body because the body signaled women’s fertility. Participants were asked
about their desired level of body attractiveness, facial attractiveness, sincerity, and ambition
among long-term and short-term mates based on a 5-point rating scale. The study supported
Jonason et al.’s hypothesis regarding men and notions of women’s fertility, which is believed to
be an evolved adaptation.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A118]: Good review here.
98
This evolved adaptation not only involved physical attractiveness but also resources
related to security. Jonason, Raulston, and Rotolo (2011) suggested that resources (earned money
or inherited money) were one of the tools used for determining mate preferences. Participants
were asked to answer forced-choice questions regarding which of two men they would choose
for a romantic relationship, marriage, casual sex, and a one-night stand. The study showed that
women were more likely to choose short-term and long-term mates who earned their money over
those who inherited money. Vigil, Geary, and Byrd-Craven (2006) examined low-income
women’s mate choice preferences between long-term and short-term mates. Participants were
surveyed regarding family background, self-rating, life history, and current circumstances. Then
they were asked to fill out a mate preference questionnaire. The study showed that in a long-term
mate women stressed commitment (a mate with financial stability), whereas they stressed
attractiveness in a short-term mate.
Besides suggesting the conventional findings (men seek physical attractiveness, whereas
women seek resources), research showed that individuals’ preferences differ according to age.
Buunk, Dikstra, Fetchienhauer, and Kenrick (2002) investigated relationships involvements:
marriage, serious relationships, falling in love, casual sex, and sexual fantasies among
individuals aged 20, 30, 40, 50 and 60. Participants were asked to indicate their mate preferences
concerning intelligence, income, physical attractiveness, education, social position, and selfconfidence based on 7-point scale with 7 being the most the important. The data suggested that
partner selection differ a little among various age groups: older participants are more selective
with regard to education.
The Present Study
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A119]: Overall, a very nice
review of the relevant literature.
99
Shackelford, Schmitt, and Buss (2005) examined the universal mate preference
dimensions to further determine whether men and women are looking for physical attractiveness
and resources globally. They used a preference rating database provided by several thousand
respondents from samples on six continents and five islands. The study showed that there were
four universal mate preference criteria: resources, good looks/health, sociability, and warmth
(trustworthiness). The results of their study suggested that there were criteria beyond physical
attractiveness and resources that influenced mate’s choices. Given the importance of this issue,
more research is clearly necessary. The present study, therefore, is designed to confirm whether
both men and women are seeking criteria beyond physical attractiveness and resources such as
kindness/trustworthiness and sociability; and to investigate whether different ages of individuals
have different mate preferences.
Hypotheses. (1) Following Shackelford et al.’s results (2005), it was predicted that the
results will show that both men and women are looking for criteria beyond physical
attractiveness and resources. (2) The study also hypothesized that at different ages, people
manifest different preferences.
Methods
A total of 100 personal advertisements were gathered from an online dating website:
www.match.com. Fifty ads were selected from each of the following categories: men seeking
women and women seeking men. Each set of 50 ads was divided into and analyzed according to
five different age groups: 20–29, 30–39, 40–49, 50–59 and 60–69. The study focused on the US
only, so foreigners’ ads were excluded.
On match.com, to be accepted or included in the data collection, every personal
advertisement must provide an individual photo. A personal advertisement included an
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
100
individual photo (at least one photo) and a profile that indicated what the user was offering and
seeking in his or her partner. Those categories in the profile were grouped into physical
characteristics (height, weight, eye/ hair color, body type), resources (income level, education
level), and personality traits / others (sense of humor, honesty, or loving, etc). A list of
terminology was categorized into those three groups and is attached in Table 1. The repeated
terms were not added to Table 1. From the ads selected, individuals who mentioned terms in
Table 1 were calculated to obtain the percentages of individuals who were seeking physical
attractiveness, resources, and personality traits/others respectively.
By collecting data for each age-range, the posters’ preferences for their future mates were
identified. Their preferences were categorized into five main groups—physical appearance,
resources, education level/intelligence, desire for long-term relationships, and desire for shortterm relationships. The occurrence of those preferences was displayed using a 5-point scale, 1
being the least mentioned and 5 being the most mentioned.
Results
After collecting all terminology used to characterize what a person offered and sought in
a potential partner, the data showed that 46 (92%) women were seeking men who were taller
than they, whereas four (8%) women accepted the height of their prospective partners ranged a
few centimeters less or more than they. There were 16 (32%) men seeking women whose height
ranged from shorter to significantly taller than they were, whereas 34 (68%) men sought women
who were shorter than they were.
Additionally, ten (20%) women did not have any preference for body type of their
prospective partner, whereas 40 (80%) women provided at least one term describing male
physicality. Men had a similar pattern, with the majority also seeking physically attractive
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A120]: Excellent summary
of methods.
101
attributes. Six (12%) men did not have any preference for their potential mates in terms of body
type, whereas 44 (78%) men provided at least one term indicating physical attractiveness (body
type) such as slender, athletic, and toned.
Analysis of physical attractiveness showed that 91% of the ads contained at least one
term describing appearance. Eighty-one percent of the posters included one term related to
education, income, or career, etc. In addition, 100% of the posters valued personality traits such
as honesty, respect, and kindness; traits that implied a preference for long-term relationships.
Eighty-nine percent of the participants who were social drinkers preferred their prospective
mates to be social drinkers as well. Sociability is another aspect that men and women showed
interest in, which suggests that both men and women were looking for criteria beyond physical
attractiveness and resources. This confirmed hypothesis one.
Different categories of gender with different age-ranges were presented in Table 2.
Women and men stressed one attribute over the other differently according to their age. Women
were divided into five groups according to their ages. Using a 5-point scale with 5 being the most
mentioned, women aged 20–29 placed physical attractiveness as 5, desire for short-term
relationships as 4, followed by socioeconomic and education level as 3 and 2.
Unlike the previous group, women aged 30–39 scored 4 for education level following
physical attractiveness. This group and the previous group of women had desire for long-term
relationships as the least mentioned. Women aged 40–49 placed socioeconomic at 4, which were
the second most noted criteria for them after physical attractiveness. Women aged 50-69 had
similar preference on mates. Their desire for long-term relationships was 4 followed by
education level as 3, socioeconomic status as 2 and short-term relationships as 1. Thus, data
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
102
showed that as women’s age increased, they tended to seek long-term relationships more than
education level and socioeconomic status from their mates.
Similarly, Table 2 showed that men had physical appearance as the most mentioned
criteria regardless of the age differences. Men aged 20–29 scored desire for short-term
relationships as the second most notified criteria (4 out of 5-point scale), followed by education
level (3 out of 5-point scale), whereas resources as least mentioned. In contrast to this group,
men aged 30–39 regarded education level as the second most mentioned feature, desire for shortterm relationships as the third cited criteria (3 out of a 5-point scale), and socioeconomic status
as the second least mentioned. Men aged 40–65 regarded long-term relationships as second
Comment [A121]: Good work
throughout this section.
priority after physical appearance.
Discussion
This study aimed to replicate Shackelford et al. (2005) and examined whether men and
women seek criteria beyond physical attractiveness and resources. It was hypothesized that, at
different ages, people manifest different preferences. The results confirmed this hypothesis. The
results also showed that, in addition to physical attractiveness, men and women were looking for
socioeconomic status and commitment. Hence, the study supported Shackelford et al.’s (2005)
finding that individual mates’ preferences went beyond physical attractiveness and resources.
From the data collected, it was found that most young men and women (aged 20–29)
were not looking for long-term relationships. Most of the terminology that they used to describe
what they were offering and seeking were related to someone to have fun with, someone to share
the same interests, or someone who has a sense of humor. Their preferences, perhaps, were
influenced by the fact that a large number of the users were still in school and, therefore, were
not seeking long-term relationships. However, men aged 30–39 valued education level more than
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
103
women with the same age-range. This, perhaps, is because men wanted to engage themselves in
serious relationships, and thus they preferred educated women so that their relationships would
last longer. Women aged 40–49, on the other hand, put more emphasis on the socioeconomic
status of their partner. This, perhaps, is because women’s concern for the economic costs of
raising children is greater than men’s. Hence, most low-income women might want financially
stable men to be their potential partner. However, more investigation is necessary to validate this
conclusion.
The data also showed that different age groups of men and women have different
preferences for the age of their prospective partner. For example, young women (aged: 20–39)
tended to seek men up to ten years older, whereas older women (aged: 40–65) tended to look for
a partner of similar age or up to five years older than they were. Young men (aged: 20–49)
looked for younger women or a few years older than they were. In contrast to older women,
older men (aged: 50–65) sought a wider age-range of women in general. However, some older
men were more likely to seek women who were significantly younger. This phenomenon is
related to the evolution theory. Men want more fertile women who can help them to successfully
pass on their genes to their offspring. Women, on the other hand, look for financially stable men
to support the cost of bearing offspring.
In conclusion, the results supported the hypotheses of this study. Men and women look
for criteria beyond physical attractiveness and resources in relationships. Also, people opt for
Comment [A122]: Your discussion is
good, but it could have been better had you
included the significance of the findings.
different preferences at different ages.
References
Buunk, B. P., Dijkstra, P., Fetchienhauer, D., and Kenrick, D. T. (2002). Age and
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
104
gender differences in mate selection criteria for various involvement levels.
Personal Relationships, 9, 271–278.
Carter, D. B. and McCloskey, L.A. (1983). Peers and the maintenance of sex-typed
behavior: The development of children’s conceptions of cross-gender behavior in
their peers. Social cognition, 2, 293–314.
Jonason, P.K., Raulston, T., & Rotolo A. (2011). More than just a pretty face and a hot
body. The journal of social psychology, 152, 174–184.
Jonason, P.K., Li, N.P., & Madson, L. (2012). It is not all about the Benjamins:
Understanding preferences for mates with resources. Personality and Individual
Differences, 52, 306–310.
Jӕger, M.M. (2011). “A thing of beauty is a joy forever”? Returns to physical
attractiveness over the life course. Social Forces, 89, 983–1004.
Shackelford, T.K., Schmitt, D.P., Buss, D.M. (2005). Universal dimensions of human
mate preferences. Personality and Individual Differences, 39, 447–458.
Stanik. C.E. & Ellsworth, P. C. (2010). Who cares about marrying a rich man?
Intelligence and variation in women’s mate preferences. Hum Nat, 21, 203–217.
Todd, P.M., Penke, E., Fasolo, B., and Centon, A.P. (2007). Different cognitive
processes underlie human mate choices and mate preferences. Proceedings of the
National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, 104, 15011–15016.
Trivers, R. (1972). Parental investment and sexual selection. In B. Campbell (Ed.),
Sexual selection and the descent of man, 1871-1971 (pp. 136–179). Chicago:
Aldine.
Vigil, J.M., Geary, D.C., Byrd-Craven, J. (2006). Trade-offs in low-income women’s
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mate preferences. Human nature,17, 319–336.
Physical attractiveness
Resources
Personality traits
Waynforth, D. & Dunbar, R.I.M. (1995). Conditional mate choice strategies in humans:
Evidence from “Lonely Hearts” advertisements. Behavior, 132, 755–779.
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About average
Active
Adventurous
Athletic
Attractive
Beautiful
Big
Charming
Cute
Good looking
Healthy life style
Outgoing
Slender
Sporty
Stocky
Strong
Sweet
Tall
Toned
Young
Bachelor degree
Career focused
Career oriented
College educated
College graduated
Financial compatible
Goal-oriented
Good career
Graduate degree
Hard-working
Intelligent
Relatively confident
Smart
Spontaneity
Successful
Well established
Witty
Calm
Caring
Down to earth
Emotionally stable
Enjoy to cook
Family oriented
Fun
Funny
Generous
Genuine
Good friend at first
Good personality
Happy
Honest
Integrity
Kind
Long-term relationship
Loving
Mature
Moral centered
No game playing
Open-minded
Passionate
Positivistic
Respectful
Sense of humor
Sensitive
Serious
Trustworthy
Understanding
Wants children
Table 1: Terminology Used in Offering and Seeking for Potential Partner
1. Physical attractiveness: 91% of the selected ads contained at least one term offering and
seeking physical attractiveness.
2. Resources: 81% of the selected ads contained at least one term offering and seeking
resources.
3. Personality traits: 100% of the selected ads contained at least one term offering and
seeking personality traits.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
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Table 2: Differences between age of posters and their preference on future mates.
Women
20–29
30–39
40–49
50–59
60–69
Men
20–29
30–39
40–49
50–59
60–69
Physical
appearance
Socioeconomic
status
Educational
level/
Intelligence
Long-term
relationships/
Commitment
Short-term
relationships/
Have fun
5
5
5
5
5
3
4
4
2
2
2
3
1
3
3
1
1
2
4
4
4
2
3
1
1
5
5
5
5
5
1
2
2
2
1
3
4
3
3
3
2
1
4
4
4
4
3
1
1
2
Note: The priority of the preferences is ranged based on 5-point scale. One being the least
mentioned, whereas five being the most valued feature placed by posters.
Comment [A123]: Excellent work
overall. A real pleasure to read. I am happy
with the level of improvement you have
made as a writer. Keep up the good work!
Grade = A
Analysis
Perhaps the most interesting factor here is that the paper allows us to examine Wei San’s
growth as a writer. Her “Harrison Bergeron” paper was adequate, but the writing reflected a
number of problems associated with her status as a NESB student. Teachers often assume that
NESB students cannot become highly proficient in English, and in some instances they use this
assumption to excuse poorly written work. Wei San illustrates that the assumption is incorrect.
With effort and appropriate instruction, it is possible for NESB writing to be essentially
indistinguishable from that of native English speakers.
This point aside, note how Wei San provided significant detail in each of the sections.
Her literature review as a couple of gaps, but, overall, it is thorough. Her methods section is clear
and easy to follow. Her discussion section does a good job of analyzing the results, although she
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
108
neglected to discuss the significance of the findings. As her professor noted, the paper illustrates
good work.
Kyle Mowrer (freshman)
Relationship Tendencies: The Role of Age in Attraction (final draft, no initial drafts were
submitted)
Abstract
The data recorded from the online dating website, lavaplace.com, replicated the finding of
Campos, Otta, and Siqueira (2002), that men tended to seek younger women as mates and that
women tended to seek older men. This human phenomenon was evident in the data in the sought
ages of prospective mates. Although both men and women of all ages preferred mates who were
close to their own age, the tendency for men to prefer younger women and for women to prefer
older men was found. The fact that lavaplace.com is an international dating service that provides
service to members of various cultures suggests that the influence of age on mating choices goes
beyond societal boundaries to the psychology and biology of human beings.
Relationship Tendencies: The Role of Age in Attraction
The purpose of this experiment was to replicate the findings of Campos, Otta, and
Siqueira (2002). Their study consisted of findings from advertisements placed by heterosexuals
in the Classline column of the daily Brazilian newspaper, Folha de São Paulo, analyzed in terms
of the following coding categories: attractiveness, sexuality, emotion, affiliative needs, hobbies,
optimism, financial resources, instrumental traits, occupational status, educational status, good
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A124]: We differentiate true
experiments from pseudo-experiments on
several grounds. True experiments are rare
in social science, and what you performed
was NOT an experiment.
109
manners, physical appearance, physical health, addictions, nationality, religion, marital status,
age, and children.
Through their experiment, Campos, Otta, and Siqueira (2002) found that older men
received more responses than younger men, and younger women received more responses than
older women, as shown in Figure 1. These findings revealed that as women get older, their
desirability decreases, but as men get older, their desirability increases.
This finding was evident in Bowers’ et al (2011) experiment. Bowers’ study
hypothesized that facial traits would be a major influence in mate choices, but surprisingly found
that age played a much more significant role. Buss & Schmitt’s (1993) study also found that age
Comment [A125]: Wrong format.
played a major role in mate choices. They observed desired mate age ranges in Zambia,
Colombia, Poland, Italy, and the USA and found that, no matter the culture, women generally
preferred older men and men generally preferred younger women. That Bowers’ study took place
eighteen years after Buss & Schmitt’s study but still shows the same findings suggests that age
may have been an important factor in mating habits regardless of period in history.
Studies on the mating habits of other species have also found that age plays a large role in
mate choices. Pervez, Omkar, and Richmond’s (2004) study on the ladybird beetle, Propylea
dissecta, for example, showed that age was accounted for when females chose their mates.
Kodric-Brown & Nicoletto’s (2001) study on the mating preferences of guppies also showed that
age of the female was a factor when choosing males to mate with. An interesting result in terms
of the significance of age in mating preferences was found in Craul, Zimmermann, &
Radespiel’s (2004) experiment on grey mouse lemurs. Age was not found to be statistically
significant except in cases of copulations, in which females generally preferred the older male.
Craul et al states, “This might indicate a preference for older age as an indicator of experience,
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A126]: Good point.
110
fitness, and/or status” (2004). By this statement, Craul et al suggests that the significance of age
in determining a mate may be due to its relation to experience, fitness, and status, which are all
factors of reproductive potential and investment.
Comment [A127]: I don’t see how this
paragraph is relevant.
The influence of reproductive potential and investment has been noted in multiple
experiments on mating preferences. For example, Buss (1989) found that female preferences for
mates were largely determined by the males’ providing capacity. He states, “By way of
Comment [A128]: An unhappy
combination of terms.
comparison, the male arctic tern’s ability to bring food to the female during courtship is a good
predictor of his ability to feed chicks” (1989, pp. 12). Marlowe (2000) also concluded that
Comment [A129]: Surely you could
have selected a more relevant quotation.
Why this one?
paternal investment, as well as male-male competition resulting in mate-guarding, was important.
Both studies by Geary, Vigil, & Byrd-Craven (2004) and Schmitt (2005) compared the influence
of reproductive potential and investment in the mating preferences of humans to its influence in
the mating preferences of other species, and both yielded results that may suggest cross-species
similarities in determining mates.
Although some findings supported that reproductive potential and investment, instead of
age, are influential in mating preferences, the researcher of the present study suggested that
reproductive potential and investment may be one of the psychological reasons behind age’s
Comment [A130]: You keep bringing
in this issue of “cross-species,” and I don’t
know why. You stated at the beginning that
you were replicating Campos et al., yet
their study included nothing involving
“cross-species.” What you provided in this
regard is quite distracting because it is
irrelevant.
Comment [A131]: No, you would have
to state that the RESULTS do this.
influence in both female and male mating habits.
The Present Study
The present study examined the self-descriptions of various online-daters from the source,
lavaplace.com. As a replication study, the goal was to confirm the finding of Compos, Otta, and
Siqueira (2002): that older men and younger women tend to be more desirable than younger men
and older women. The hypothesis, therefore, was that men find younger women more attractive
and women find older men more attractive.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A132]: How will you
measure this?
111
Methods
Lavaplace.com is a free online dating website with users from Asia, Africa, Europe, the
Middle East, Australia/Oceania, North, Central, and South America, and the Caribbean. This site
was used because it allowed the researcher to view information such as height, age, race, marital
status, religion, smoking and drinking habits, occupation, level of education, the age range of
their prospective mate, and how many people have added them to their “favorites” list.
The experiment consisted of searching for fifty random female and fifty random male
users from the dating website and recording their ages, the age range of their prospective
heterosexual mates, the number of views they received within the month, and the number of
users who added them to their “favorites” list. The users were broken up into five groups of ten
by age—18 – 27, 28 – 37, 38 – 47, 48 – 57, and 58 – 67—so that the data could be analyzed and
Comment [A133]: But how did you
analyze the data?
presented easier.
Results
The data gathered during the experiment is given in Figure 1. Notable trends in the data
were found when observing the ages of sought mates. When observing the sought ages alone, it
was found that both men and women had a tendency to seek those who are closer to their age
over time (See Graph 2). However, when the sought ages were compared the ages of the subjects,
significant differences between male tendencies and female tendencies were found (See Graph 3).
On average, women showed a general attraction toward men who were older than them. Men,
however, showed to change their sought age difference as their own ages went up. Though the
younger men tended to seek women who were of the same age as them, the older men sought
women of much younger ages than themselves.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
112
Two odd results were found within men’s age groups 28 – 37 and 38 – 47. While
Comment [A134]: Don’t you mean
“although”?
everyone else within the group had a tendency to seek younger women, a 35-year-old man was
found to seek women who were 39 – 65 years old. This was the only man in the entire
experiment whose minimum sought age was higher than his own. The next odd result was a 44year-old man who stated that he sought women within the age range 20 –99. While all other men
in the age group 38 – 47 sought women who were only 1 year older than themselves at most, this
particular man was open to dating women as much as 24 years younger than himself or as much
as 55 years older than himself.
Discussion
Comment [A135]: This section is
problematic because you did not explain
how you analyzed the data and because you
do not present the data; you merely
summarize. You should have done both.
This experiment validated the hypothesis because the members of the dating site whose
data were recorded were from all over the planet, not one specific culture. The fact that women
prefer older men and men prefer younger women on a global scale could be evidence that the
trend to seek these traits in mates is a part of the biology of human beings, not just society.
The preferred age ranges of the 35-year-old and the 44-year-old men may have been just
Comment [A136]: Yes, but for this
observation to have meaning, you needed to
include in the literature review studies that
claimed mating preferences were based on
social norms.
cases of random flukes that tend to appear when results of experiments are examined on the level
of the individual subjects. Although these two subjects’ results went against the researcher’s
Comment [A137]: What? Where did
this come from?
hypothesis, they did not affect the general trend of the results, which was that men tend to prefer
younger women. Specific individuals that go against the general trend can be found in any
experiment, but as long as the trend remains unchanged, the contradiction is negligible.
The researcher suggests that age’s influence on mating trends may be caused by its
relation to reproductive potential and investment. Older men of all cultures are generally seen as
more able to provide a stable life for potential mates and offspring. Women may tend to be more
attracted to older men, either consciously or subconsciously, because of the evolution of the
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A138]: Not really relevant.
Comment [A139]: You are generalizing
outside the scope of the data. You have to
have data to support this conclusion, and I
haven’t found any.
113
trend for older men to be more able to provide—physically, financially, and emotionally—for
the family than younger men. On the contrary, younger women have more reproductive potential
than older women. The results of men’s attraction toward younger women may be due to the fact
that the ages of the women sought were closer to the peak of reproductive potential in women
than of those not.
The fact that the significance of age in mating preferences was found not only in studies
on humans, but in studies on other species as well suggests that the preferences for mates of
certain ages may be biological instead of social. Just as certain species, similarly to humans,
choose their mates in accordance to their physical appearance, age may play a similar role in
Comment [A140]: Ok, but the paper
could have been much better. The gaps that
I noted in my marginal comments are
significant and could, I believe, have been
easily corrected with a bit more attention to
detail.
prospective mates.
References
Grade = C
Bowers, R. I., Place, S. S., Todd, P. M., Penke, L., & Asendorpf, J. B. (2011, October 8).
Generalization in mate-choice copying in humans. Behavioral Ecology, 112-124.
Buss, D. M. (1989). Sex differences in human mate preferences: Evolutionary hypotheses tested
in 37 cultures. Cambrdge University Press.
Buss, D. M., & Schmitt, D. P. (1993). Sexual Strategies Theory: An Evolutionary Perspective on
Human Mating. Psychological Review, 100(2), 204-232. Retrieved from
http://homepage.psy.utexas.edu.
Craul, M. Zimmermann, E., & Radespiel, U. (2004, July 7). First experimental evidence for
female mate choice in a nocturnal primate. Primates, 45(4). Retrieved from
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15241637.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
114
Geary, D. C., Vigil, J., & Byrd-Craven, J. (2004, February). Evolution of Human Mate Choice.
The Journal of Sex Research, 41(1), 27-42.
Kodric-Brown, A., & Nicoletto, P. F. (2001, March). Age and Experience Affect Female Choice
in the Guppy (Poecilia reticulata). The American Naturalist, 157(3), 316-323.
Marlowe, F. (2000, October). Paternal investment and the human mating system. Behavioural
Processes, 51(1-3), 45-61. Retrieved from
http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0376635700001182.
Pervez, A., Omkar, & Richmond, A. S. (2004, July 9). The influence of age on reproductive
performance of the predatory ladybird beetle, Propylea dissecta. J Insect Sci. Retrieved
from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC528882/.
Schmitt, D. P. (2005). Fundamentals of Human Mating Strategies. In D. M. Buss, The Handbook
of Evolutionary Psychology (pp. 258-291). Boboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Sousa Campos, L. de, Otta, E., & Oliveira Siqueira, J. de. (2002). Sex differences in mate
selection strategies: Content analyses and responses to personal advertisements in Brazil.
Evolution and Human Behavior, 23, 395-406.
Tables and Figures
Graph 1: Mean response number elicited by male (black bars) and female advertisers (striped
bars) as a function of age.
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115
Note: Sousa Campos, L. de, Otta, E., & Oliveira Siqueira, J. de. (2002). Sex differences in mate
selection strategies: Content analyses and responses to personal advertisements in Brazil.
Evolution and Human Behavior, 23, 395-406.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
116
Figure 1: User ages, age ranges sought, profile views from other users within the month, and
adds to other users’ “favorites” list of fifty female and fifty male users on lavaplace.com.
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117
Graph 2: Average ages of sought prospective mates by age group.
Women
72.7
Sought Age of Prospective Mate
80
62.6
70
60
51.2
50
39
40
30
56.6
55.2
46.3
38.7
Avg Min
31.3
23.8
Avg Max
20
10
0
18-27
28-37
38-47
48-57
58-67
Age Group
Men
55.9
Sought Age of Prospective Mate
60
45.4
50
46.2
39.3
40
37.5
33.7
29.3
30
23.6
24.3
Avg Min
19.2
Avg Max
20
10
0
18-27
28-37
38-47
48-57
58-67
Age Group
Graph 3: Average age range differences of prospecive mates and experiment subjects.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
118
Women
25
Sought Age Difference Range
20
15
10
5
0
18-27
-5
28-37
-10
38-47
48-57
58-67
48-57
58-67
Age Groups of Subjects
Men
15
Sought Age Difference Range
10
5
0
18-27
-5
28-37
38-47
-10
-15
-20
-25
-30
Age Group of Subjects
Analysis
Kyle’s paper provides a point of contrast with Wei San’s. What stands out immediately is
that his paper is not nearly as well written as hers. The graphs are pretty to look at, but the
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
119
quality of the writing is below her level. The irony is that Kyle is a native English speaker,
whereas Wei San is not. Each section of his report has one or more gaps, which suggests that he
may have rushed the assignment. Note, for example, that Kyle failed to describe how he
analyzed the collected data. Unfortunately, Kyle did not submit any initial drafts, so we have no
way to assess the level of effort that went into the project.
Jessica Torres (freshman)
Online Dating Behavior: The Preferences Men and Women Desire Universal Dimensions
Shaped by Evolution (first draft)
The characteristics that women and men prefer in their significant other reflect what they
want for themselves and thus their future relationships. However, this pursuit is sometimes
difficult, primarily due to today’s busy and hectic work schedules. As a result, many turn to
online dating; profiles on dating sites provide people with the opportunity to find their “match.”
A user’s “match” depends on their sexual preferences, which have been shown to have a
biological basis. According to Trivers’ theory, parental investment of both sexes is the
determining factor of such mating behavior. For example, a mother’s investment is usually
defined as “internal fertilization, gestation, and placentation,” a larger investment compared to a
father’s, which is that of providing for their children (Buss, 1998, p. 21). Therefore, from an
evolutionary perspective arises the fact that women are more selective than men; they invest
more in their offspring and thus are more conscious of a mate’s “value.” Current dating behavior
is an image of this model; a strategy based on a competitive investment that both males and
females pursue. Today’s dating culture can be further analyzed given the following studies that
identify some of the many universal dimensions of selectivity among mates.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
120
The first study by Ariely, Hitsch, and Hortacsu (2010) focused on mating patterns and
several preference factors such as similarities among mates, same-race preferences, and gender
differences. This study was conducted in 2003 through an online dating service in Boston and
San Diego where the behavior of 6,485 users (out of a primary sample of 22,000 users) was
analyzed over a period of three and a half months. A diverse sample was studied as
demographics and socioeconomic traits varied. It was found that users have a strong preference
for similarity; some of these comparable attributes included ethnicity, education levels, marital
status, religion, and political views. Furthermore, it was concluded that more women, as opposed
to men, have discrepancies in their personal profiles concerning their stated preference of a
mate’s race or ethnicity and their revealed preferences. Overall, it was determined that users
search for partners with similar aspects.
It has been known that humans tend to interact with people of similar interests and
consequently choose their mates accordingly. Donath and Fiore (2005) conducted a study to
analyze the dimensions that are taken into consideration when individuals search for their
significant other, which are usually attributes that correlate with themselves, a theory that is
known as “homophily.” Profile data of 52,857 users taken directly from an online dating website
was analyzed over an eight-month period (June 2002 through February 2003). Messages sent and
received between users were used to determine the response rate between members; those with
similar interests were more likely to exchange. Additionally, profile attributes of the users, and
their preferences in a mate were categorized; it was found that characteristics such as
smoker/non-smoker had a more “bounding strength,” in comparison to having a similar feature
such as blue eyes (2). As a result, it was concluded that there is a positive correlation between the
level of contact between users and their similarities.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
121
Individuals who have preferential outcomes in dating are looking for that “perfect match,”
which can be seen in Taylor, Fiore, Mendelsohn, and Cheshire’s (2011) research. They
administered a study “to test the matching hypothesis,” which focused on the idea that an
individual’s self-assessment is congruent with “whom they select as dating partners” (4).
Therefore, to test this hypothesis, 182 participants were asked to create an online dating profile,
imagine they were searching for a partner, and view potential profile matches. Furthermore, to
analyze the participants’ dimensions of self-worth, they had rated themselves on a Likert scale
regarding their self-perceptions of physical attractiveness, likeability, self-esteem, kindness, and
trust. The results revealed a somewhat positive correlation between an individual’s self-worth
and their likelihood to select their mate on the basis of their self-assessment. Participants with
higher assessments were more likely to contact “high-desirability targets” than participants with
lower assessments and vice versa (6). The idea of an exchange of similarities among partners
also accounts for the universal gender-specific preferences.
In 2005, a cross-cultural study was conducted by Shackelford et al. that focused on the
characteristics that men and women prefer in a partner. Research was conducted among 37
cultures, with a total of 9,809 participants who ranged from 17 to 30 years. To evaluate mating
preferences, participants responded to an 18-item survey rating “the importance of 18 mate
characteristics” (449). Results indicated a pattern of preferences among cultures; as seen in
previous studies, “women more than men value social status and financial resources in a longterm mate,” and “men more than women value in potential mates their good looks, health, and a
desire for home and children” (447–458). Furthermore, it was concluded that men and women
worldwide desire four universal dimensions, one being Dependable/Stable vs. Good
Looks/Health, that have shown to be consistent in various other studies.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
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Another study investigating the different preferences of men and women in online dating
focused on varying factors that each age cohort seeks in a partner. Regardless of age, Alterovitz
and Mendelsohn (2009) hypothesized that older individuals involved in dating are found to
follow similar mating patterns as younger generations. In this study, 600 personal ads from
Yahoo! Personals were used. Four main age groups were analyzed: 20–34 years (young adults),
40–54 years (middle-aged adults), 60–74 years (young-old adults), and 75+ years (old-old adults).
Participants were sampled from Texas, Washington, and Pennsylvania, where both men and
women were equally represented. Some of the dependent variables used were “desired age
difference,” “social status sought and offered,” “physical attractiveness sought and offered,” and
“selectivity” (pp. 514–515). The results indicated that men, across their life span, seek younger
women and the age difference tends to increase as they age. As well, it was found that a
woman’s selectivity increases later in life. Overall, it was identified that both men and women,
throughout their life span, keep the same dating behaviors “even when reproduction and
protection of offspring are no longer a concern” (516).
The Present Study
This study replicated Buss et al.’s; 100 personal ads, of 50 men and 50 women, were
analyzed to determine different mating behaviors. Three hypotheses were proposed. First, it was
predicted that both men and women, alike, prefer mates who have similar characteristics as
themselves, than dissimilar. Secondly, it was predicted that women put more emphasis on level
of education, occupation, stability, and family values than men. Lastly, it was predicted that men
tend to put more emphasis on physical attributes, whether related to fitness or beauty, in
comparison to women.
Methods
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
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Source of Ads
In this study, personal ads were used from a free online dating website, Match.com on
Yahoo!, where anyone can create and activate a profile. Users have the choice of how descriptive
they want to be in their profiles, and the questions they want to answer. Questions range from
physical attributes such as hair color and body type, to personal characteristics such as religion,
and income.
Participants
Given the use of random sampling, 50 heterosexual men and 50 heterosexual women who
represented various local regions and ranged in age from 18–70 were used. The ethnicities of
participants varied widely and had no direct effect on the variables.
Dependent Variables
To determine a participant’s desired level of similarity between themselves and their
potential partner, profiles were thoroughly analyzed, particularly the “about” questionnaire that
displayed a comparative categorical “ideal match.” The half pertaining to desired characteristics
concerning appearance, lifestyle, background, and values was compared to the user’s factual data.
If there was a higher positive correlation between information sought and offered, than a
negative correlation, the participant would therefore be considered as more selective in terms of
dating a more similar, than dissimilar individual. The second dependent variable, focused on
what men vs. women desired in a partner. Hence, the overall profiles of the female participants
were analyzed for key words such as “family-oriented” or “stable.” As well, preferences
concerning occupation, income, and education were looked at; income higher than the
participant’s and an education of a bachelor’s degree or higher were measured as fitting. If two
or more of these key elements were present the participant was considered to be selective. For
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
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male participants, preferences concerning appearance were used; if three out of the four options
(height, body type, and eye and hair color) for their “date” were completed and key words such
as “health conscious” or beautiful were present, the participant was considered to be more
selective.
Results
The random sample of 100 participants was divided into two groups: male and female.
Due to the fact that ages varied and the hypotheses were not based on any component of age,
there were no subdivisions for age cohorts.
For the first hypothesis similar commonalities throughout the entire profile were looked
at; direct similarities and terms that indicated preferences. For every individual profile, if the
majority of desired factors matched the participant’s, a score of 1 was added to the designated
column. The total scores of each column represented an overall score, with a range of zero to
fifty (none to all the participants of a gender). Sixty-eight percent of female participants were
more inclined to date a man who was similar; whether it was in terms of marital status, religion,
income or less significant factors such as hobbies. For the male participants, 42% of them
indicated that similarities were important. Men, more so than women, were more likely to find
interest in a potential partner that may not have been similar.
Considering the second hypothesis, two rows were marked as “aspects of attractiveness”
and “non-physical attributes.” This second set of data was given a total score for each of the two
categories in both the male and female columns. Thus, four separate scores were shown; 16
women preferred attractiveness over factors such as education level, income, and family values,
which received a greater score of 38. On the other hand, the men’s data, as expected, revealed
contradicting results; there was a score of 37 for the men’s row concerning physical
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
125
characteristics. The opposing factors (non-physical) revealed a statistically significant difference,
as only 13 of the 50 men scored in that area. However, for both cases, the two separate
“characteristics” rows did not add up to the 50 participants. The total of the two may have been
higher or lower than 50 because either some participants considered both factors important or
some emphasized neither, which was quite rare among the sample. As shown by the results,
women are more likely to focus on situational characteristics, such as stability, in comparison to
the physical attributes that men tend to seek through their selection process.
Discussion
Given the overall scores of participants, two of the three hypotheses can be significantly
supported. The analysis strategy applied represented both sexes equally, at least in terms of the
sample size. Men and women, regardless of age or ethnicity, desired partners who shared similar
characteristics. However, more of the female participants preferred congruency in a relationship,
which can be accounted given the fact that “homophily” as identified in Donath and Fiore’s
(2005) research is a major behavioral aspect of dating. This indicates that attraction for both
sexes, especially females, revolves around the idea of finding a commonality or a shared interest,
which for many can strengthen a relationship. Women are more likely to date a man with similar
interests, because they in the first place may have high expectations for their significant other, in
comparison to men, that they hope to be fulfilled. The “value” of a mate is seen differently for
both men and women, and thus explains this exchange of similarities that more women, than
men desire. Such a behavior supports the idea that women are more selective than men, which
has its origins in a woman’s evolutionary past.
Additionally, a positive correlation was found concerning the factors that each gender
prefers in a partner, which can furthermore be linked to biology. Women indicated that education,
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
126
income, occupation, and family had a greater value, in comparison to physical characteristics.
For example, seventy-six percent of the female participants were more likely to date a man who
was more educated, family-oriented, and not entirely handsome than a financially unstable
physically attractive man. These women know that a man with an education indicates financial
stability and thus the ability to provide for a family, which as evolution as shown is an essential
component of a woman’s choice. As well, a man concerned with family values most likely wants
children and enjoys that aspect of a marriage. In this case, the evolutionary model seems to fit;
the large investment women put into their offspring compels them to be more selective,
especially in terms of their partner’s success, indicating supportiveness. Their selectivity, better
yet, does not die later in life. As indicated in Alterovitz and Mendelsohn’s study (2009), even
though a sixty or seventy year old woman, for example, may be far beyond her reproductive
years, a woman, at any age, due to evolution will always seek men who meet their long list of
criteria. There is and always will be an expectation for women, regardless of age or ethnicity, to
seek a life-long partner whom they can depend on for stability and rely on for “resources.” As
predicted, attractiveness for women has no sole standing in terms of being the winning factor.
However, this preference did not hold true for men, who from an evolutionary theory
have small investments, which can explain their lack of need to prioritize family values and
educational standing over physicality. As predicated, the male participants scored higher in
regard to the importance of physical attraction in a relationship; almost entirely similar to
women’s preferences, with 74% of men. Men place a greater value on physical health and the
overall external “whole package.” This preference goes beyond the point of pure attractiveness,
as evolution has shaped this tendency: men look for those signals that denote fertility. As a
woman ages, their likelihood to conceive declines and thus a physically attractive woman signals
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
127
a reproductive opportunity that men, from an evolutionary perspective, desire. Any opportunity
to reproduce is a plus for men, as it is a chance for their genes to get passed down, which
furthermore benefits them. Consciously, men may not choose a woman based on their ability to
procreate, but a man’s preference for attractiveness over other distinct factors is the succeeding
unconscious habit.
Furthermore, it was surprising that only 13 out of the 50 male participants were
concerned about a potential partner’s education level or family values. Nevertheless, the score
was in the same range as the women’s preference for attractiveness, which received a 16 out of
50. These low scores on both ends further support the mating differences that are based on
evolution. Previous studies have established that similarities among individuals are a “plus.”
Additionally, a man’s primary role in a relationship is to provide a secure environment rich in
resources, whereas that of a woman is to be fertile and pass down the genes of her partner.
The hypotheses were supported but are not readily proven, generalizable owing to the
small sample size. However, the results were congruent with previous studies. With greater
research the factors that go into the dating selection process can be furthermore proven as some
of the main mating preferences that have been shaped by evolution.
References
Alterovitz, S., & Mendelsohn, G. A. (2009). Partner preferences across the life span:
online
dating by older adults. Psychology & Aging, 24(2), 514–516.
http://web.ebscohost.com/ehost/detail?sid=acbe0e52-06a4-4a94-a0fd2f577e37af78%40sessionmgr113&vid=1&hid=123&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2Z
Q%3d%3d#db=aph&AN=41893918.
Ariely, D., Hitsch, G, J., & Hortacsu, A. (2010). What makes you click? – Mate
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
128
preferences in online dating. Quantitative Marketing and Economics, 8(4).
http://search.proquest.com/docview/816795235?accountid=25347.
Buss, D, M. (1998). Sexual strategies history: historical origins and current status.
Journal of Sex Research, 35(1), 21.
http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00224499809551914.
Buss, D, M., Schmitt D, P., & Shackelford, T, K. (2005). Universal Dimensions of
human mate preferences. Personality and Individual Differences. 447–458.
Cheshire, C., Fiore, A, T., Mendelsohn, G, A., & Taylor, L, S. (2010). “Out of my
league:”A real-world test of the matching hypothesis. Personality and Social Psychology
Bulletin, 37(7), 4,6.
http://psp.sagepub.com/content/37/7/942.full.pdf+html.
Donath, J.S., & Fiore, A, T. (2005). Homophily in online dating: when do you like
someone like yourself? ACM Computer-Human Interaction, 2.
http://www.ischool.berkeley.edu/research/publications/2005/313/0.
Fisman, R., Iyengar, S., Kamenica, E., & Simonson, I. (2008). Racial preferences in
dating. The Review of Economic Studies, 75(1), 117–118.
http://search.proquest.com/docview/204348357?accountid=25347.
Appendix
Chart 1
Identification of “code words” or non-code words used to describe physical attributes or
situational characteristics (most common ones; identified in five or more profiles, separated by
gender)
Terms used by women*
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
129
Terms used by men**
Both***
Aspects of attractiveness
Handsome*
Cute*
Pretty**
Sexy**
Healthy**
Athletic***
Active**
Toned**
Fit**
Feminine**
Sexy**
Beauty**
Confident**
Takes care of her body**
Health-conscious**
Non-physical attributes
Similarities
Supportive*
Educated**
Successful*
Employed*
Family oriented***
Good with kids*
Professional*
Responsible*
Independent**
Family values*
Grounded*
Affectionate*
Sensitive*
Committed*
Thoughtful*
Kind*
Generous*
Goal-oriented*
Considerate*
Caring*
Appreciative***
Passionate***
Stable*
Shares same/common
interests***
My match***
Dependent Variables
Women
Men
Attractiveness
16
37
Situational factors
38
13
Similarities
34
21
Table 1
* Scores, for each gender, calculated based on individual profiles (out of 50 men, and 50 women)
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
130
* Score indicates total number of participants that reached the criteria for that specific variable
(example: 16/50 women desired attractiveness in a man, as indicated by an indirect or direct term)
Jessica Torres (freshman)
Online Dating Behavior: The Preferences Men and Women Desire Universal Dimensions
Shaped by Evolution (second draft)
The characteristics that women and men prefer in their significant other reflect what they
want for themselves and thus their future relationships. However, this pursuit is sometimes
difficult, primarily due to today’s busy and hectic work schedules. As a result, many turn to
online dating; profiles on dating sites provide people with the opportunity to find their “match.”
A user’s “match” depends on their sexual preferences, which have been shown to have a
biological basis. According to Trivers’ theory, parental investment of both sexes is the
determining factor of such mating behavior. For example, a mother’s investment is usually
defined as “internal fertilization, gestation, and placentation,” a larger investment compared to a
father’s, which is that of providing for their children (Buss, 1998, p. 21). Therefore, from an
evolutionary perspective arises the fact that women are more selective than men; they invest
more in their offspring and thus are more conscious of a mate’s “value.” Current dating behavior
is an image of this model; a strategy based on a competitive investment that both males and
females pursue. Today’s dating culture can be further analyzed given the following studies that
identify some of the many universal dimensions of selectivity among mates.
The first study by Ariely, Hitsch, and Hortacsu (2010) focused on mating patterns and
several preference factors such as similarities among mates, same-race preferences, and gender
differences. This study was conducted in 2003 through an online dating service in Boston and
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
131
San Diego where the behavior of 6,485 users (out of a primary sample of 22,000 users) was
analyzed over a period of three and a half months. A diverse sample was studied as
demographics and socioeconomic traits varied. It was found that users have a strong preference
for similarity; some of these comparable attributes included ethnicity, education levels, marital
status, religion, and political views. Furthermore, it was concluded that more women, as opposed
to men, have discrepancies in their personal profiles concerning their stated preference of a
mate’s race or ethnicity and their revealed preferences. Overall, it was determined that users
search for partners with similar aspects.
It has been known that humans tend to interact with people of similar interests and
consequently choose their mates accordingly. Donath and Fiore (2005) conducted a study to
analyze the dimensions that are taken into consideration when individuals search for their
significant other, which are usually attributes that correlate with themselves, a theory that is
known as “homophily.” Profile data of 52,857 users taken directly from an online dating website
was analyzed over an eight-month period (June 2002 through February 2003). Messages sent and
received between users were used to determine the response rate between members; those with
similar interests were more likely to exchange. Additionally, profile attributes of the users, and
their preferences in a mate were categorized; it was found that characteristics such as
smoker/non-smoker had a more “bounding strength,” in comparison to having a similar feature
such as blue eyes (2). As a result, it was concluded that there is a positive correlation between the
level of contact between users and their similarities.
Individuals who have preferential outcomes in dating are looking for that “perfect match,”
which can be seen in Taylor, Fiore, Mendelsohn, and Cheshire’s (2011) research. They
administered a study “to test the matching hypothesis,” which focused on the idea that an
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
132
individual’s self-assessment is congruent with “whom they select as dating partners” (4).
Therefore, to test this hypothesis, 182 participants were asked to create an online dating profile,
imagine they were searching for a partner, and view potential profile matches. Furthermore, to
analyze the participants’ dimensions of self-worth, they had rated themselves on a Likert scale
regarding their self-perceptions of physical attractiveness, likeability, self-esteem, kindness, and
trust. The results revealed a somewhat positive correlation between an individual’s self-worth
and their likelihood to select their mate on the basis of their self-assessment. Participants with
higher assessments were more likely to contact “high-desirability targets” than participants with
lower assessments and vice versa (6). The idea of an exchange of similarities among partners
also accounts for the universal gender-specific preferences.
In 2005, a cross-cultural study was conducted by Shackelford et al. that focused on the
characteristics that men and women prefer in a partner. Research was conducted among 37
cultures, with a total of 9,809 participants who ranged from 17 to 30 years. To evaluate mating
preferences, participants responded to an 18-item survey rating “the importance of 18 mate
characteristics” (449). Results indicated a pattern of preferences among cultures; as seen in
previous studies, “women more than men value social status and financial resources in a longterm mate,” and “men more than women value in potential mates their good looks, health, and a
desire for home and children” (447–458). Furthermore, it was concluded that men and women
worldwide desire four universal dimensions, one being Dependable/Stable vs. Good
Looks/Health, that have shown to be consistent in various other studies.
Another study investigating the different preferences of men and women in online dating
focused on varying factors that each age cohort seeks in a partner. Regardless of age, Alterovitz
and Mendelsohn (2009) hypothesized that older individuals involved in dating are found to
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
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follow similar mating patterns as younger generations. In this study, 600 personal ads from
Yahoo! Personals were used. Four main age groups were analyzed: 20–34 years (young adults),
40–54 years (middle-aged adults), 60–74 years (young-old adults), and 75+ years (old-old adults).
Participants were sampled from Texas, Washington, and Pennsylvania, where both men and
women were equally represented. Some of the dependent variables used were “desired age
difference,” “social status sought and offered,” “physical attractiveness sought and offered,” and
“selectivity” (pp. 514–515). The results indicated that men, across their life span, seek younger
women and the age difference tends to increase as they age. As well, it was found that a
woman’s selectivity increases later in life. Overall, it was identified that both men and women,
throughout their life span, keep the same dating behaviors “even when reproduction and
protection of offspring are no longer a concern” (516).
The Present Study
This study replicated Buss et al.’s (2005); 100 personal ads, of 50 men and 50 women
were analyzed to determine different mating behaviors. Three hypotheses were proposed. First, it
was predicted that both men and women, alike, prefer mates who have similar characteristics as
themselves. Secondly, it was predicted that women put more emphasis on level of education,
occupation, stability, and family values than men. Lastly, it was predicted that men tend to put
more emphasis on physical attributes, whether related to fitness or beauty, than women.
Methods
Source of Ads
In this study, personal ads were used from a free online dating website, Match.com on
Yahoo!, where anyone can create and activate a profile. Users have the choice of how descriptive
they want to be in their profiles, and the questions they want to answer. Questions range from
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
134
physical attributes such as hair color and body type, to personal characteristics such as religion,
and income.
Participants
Given the use of random sampling, 50 heterosexual men and 50 heterosexual women
were used. All the participants represented various local regions and ranged in age from 18–70.
Similarities between users and potential partners
For the first hypothesis similar commonalities throughout the entire profile were looked
at; direct similarities, for example same type of marital status or language spoken, and terms that
indicated a preference, as seen in chart 1. For every individual profile, if the majority of desired
factors matched the participant’s, a score of 1 was added to a designated column (separated by
males and females). Each score of 1 represented one participant. Therefore, the total scores of
each column represented an overall score, with a range of zero to fifty (none to all the
participants of a gender).
To determine a participant’s desired level of similarity between themselves and their
potential partner, profiles were analyzed. Similarities were measured based on the occurrences of
common characteristics or preferences. Analyzing began with the “about” section which allowed
the user to describe themselves and their ideal match. As well, desired characteristics concerning
appearance, lifestyle, background, and values of the user’s potential partner were compared to
the user’s own descriptions of themselves. To determine a positive correlation between
information sought and offered commonalities had to be present, specifically four or more
matches of similar hobbies, religion, ethnicity, marital status, level of education, or income status.
A match represented a characteristic found to be the same between the user and a potential mate.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
135
If present the participant would therefore be considered as more selective in terms of dating a
similar individual.
Desired selective characteristics
The random sample of 100 participants was divided into two groups: male and female.
Two rows on a table, as seen in table 1, with two columns (men and women) were created and
marked as “attractiveness” and “situational factors.”
The overall profiles of the female participants were analyzed for key words such as
family-oriented or stable (as shown in chart 1). As well, preferences concerning occupation,
income, and education were looked at; income higher than the participant’s and an education of a
bachelor’s degree or higher were measured as fitting. If two or more of these key information
pieces were present the participant was considered to be selective in that category, and thus a
score of 1 was added to the non-physical attributes or “situational factors” row.
For male participants, preferences concerning appearance were used to determine their
desired characteristics. Analysis began with the “appearance” section that included preferences
for height, body type, and eye and hair color for the user’s “date.” Additionally, the presence of
key words such as health conscious, sexy, or feminine provided in the “about” section were
accumulated. Therefore, if three out of the four “appearance” options were completed and key
words were given by the ad writer, the participant was considered to be more selective in terms
of physicality, more so than other characteristics. Consequently, a score of 1 for every “selective”
participant was added to the “attractiveness” row.
This second set of data had a total score for each of the two categories in both the male
and female columns. Like the first data set, each score of 1 represented a female or male
participant. Thus, each column had a score ranging from zero to fifty. As well, the total of the
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
136
two rows or categories concerning the specific preferred factors may have been higher or lower
than 50 because either some participants considered both factors important or some emphasized
neither.
Results
Sixty-eight percent of female participants were more inclined to date a man who was
similar, which was defined as non-physical aspects resembling the user’s. These characteristics
were mainly concerned with lifestyles, whether it was in terms of marital status, religion, income
or less significant factors such as hobbies. For the male participants, 42% of them indicated that
similarities were important, which can be measured based on preferences complementing their
own attributes. Men, more so than women, were more likely to find interest in a potential partner
that may not have been similar.
Considering the second hypothesis, attractiveness as a preference for women and
situational factors as a preference for men was measured on the similar basis of the opposite sex
to gain a variable for comparison. Therefore, four separate scores were shown; 16 (32%) women
preferred attractiveness over factors such as education level, income, and family values, which
received a greater score of 38 (76%). On the other hand, the men’s data, as expected, revealed
contradicting results; there was a score of 37 (74%) for the men’s row concerning physical
characteristics. The opposing factors (non-physical) revealed a statistically significant difference,
as only 13 of the 50 men scored in that area. As shown by the results, women are more likely to
focus on situational characteristics, such as stability, in comparison to the physical attributes that
men tend to seek through their selection process. Overall, the scores out of a possible fifty for
both men and women represent the number of participants, per gender, that were drawn to
similarities, and attractiveness versus situational factors, or both.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
137
Discussion
The results showed that two of the three hypotheses were supported. Men and women,
regardless of age or ethnicity, desired partners who shared similar characteristics. However,
more of the female participants preferred similarities in a relationship, which is congruent with
Donath and Fiore’s (2005) finding that “homophily” is a major factor in dating. Attraction for
both sexes, especially females, therefore seems related to a preference for commonality or shared
interests, which strengthen a relationship. The “value” of a mate is seen differently for both men
and women and thus explains this exchange of similarities that women desire more than do men.
A woman’s large investments puts her more at risk of sustaining her offspring and so seeks a
complementary partner who can properly invest the remaining, which in most cases is financial
resources. Her priority is no longer herself, but her offspring. Consequently, men are valued in
terms of what they can bring to the relationship, their life-long assets. Such behavior supports the
idea that women are more selective than men, which has its origins in a woman’s evolutionary
past.
Additionally, the factors that each gender prefers in a partner can be linked to biology.
Women placed greater value on education, income, occupation, and family than on physical
characteristics. For example, 76% of the female participants were more likely to date a man who
was more educated, family-oriented, and not entirely handsome than a financially unstable
physically attractive man. As shown in the data, the majority of female users favored situational
factors over attractiveness. These women know that a man with an education indicates financial
stability and thus able to provide for a family, which as evolution has shown is an essential
component of a woman’s choice. As well, a man concerned with family values most likely wants
children at some point in his marriage. In this case, the evolutionary model seems to fit; the large
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
138
investment women put into their offspring compels them to be more selective, especially in
terms of their partner’s success, indicating supportiveness. Their selectivity, better yet, does not
decrease later in life. As indicated in Alterovitz and Mendelsohn’s study (2009), even though a
60 or 70 year old woman, for example, may be far beyond her reproductive years, a woman, at
any age, due to evolution will always seek men who meet their long list of criteria. Women
inherently are drawn to men who have an education, a career, and place a great deal of value on
family; these appealing characteristics promote a secure future. To procreate may not be a
women’s main goal, but that of having support for her offspring. As a result, there is and always
will be an expectation for women, regardless of age or ethnicity, to seek a life-long partner
whom they can depend on for stability and rely on for “resources.” As predicted, attractiveness
for women has no sole standing in terms of being the winning factor during the selection process.
A man has to be beyond handsome, as their good looks will not support their offspring, which is
contradictory to the importance of genes for men.
However, this preference did not hold true for men, whom, from an evolutionary
perspective have small investments, which may explain why they prioritized physicality over
family values and education. As predicted, the male participants scored physical attraction most
highly. The women, on the other hand, rated family values and education most highly—
essentially with scores that were opposite those of the men. Men also placed a high value on
physical health and the external “whole package.” This preference goes beyond the point of pure
attractiveness, as evolution has shaped this tendency: Men are drawn to signals that denote
fertility. As a woman ages, her likelihood to conceive declines and thus, a physically attractive
woman signals a reproductive opportunity that men, from an evolutionary perspective, desire.
Any opportunity to reproduce is a plus for men, as it is a chance for their genes to be passed
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
139
down, which furthermore benefits them. Consciously, men may not choose a woman based on
their ability to procreate, but a man’s preference for attractiveness over other distinct factors is
the succeeding unconscious habit.
Furthermore, it was surprising that only 13 out of the 50 male participants were
concerned about a potential partner’s education level or family values. Nevertheless, the score
was in the same range as the women’s preference for attractiveness, which received a 16 out of
50. These low scores on both ends further support the mating differences that are based on
evolution. Previous studies have established that similarities among individuals are a “plus.”
Additionally, a man’s primary role in a relationship is to provide a secure environment rich in
resources, whereas that of a woman is to be fertile and pass down the genes of her partner.
Therefore, men and women tend to seek mates accordingly.
The hypotheses were supported but not confirmed, generalizable owing to the small
sample size. However, the results were congruent with previous studies. With greater research
the factors that go into the dating selection process can be furthermore proven as some of the
main mating preferences that have been shaped by evolution.
References
Alterovitz, S., & Mendelsohn, G. A. (2009). Partner preferences across the life span:
online
dating by older adults. Psychology & Aging, 24(2), 514–516.
http://web.ebscohost.com/ehost/detail?sid=acbe0e52-06a4-4a94-a0fd2f577e37af78%40sessionmgr113&vid=1&hid=123&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2Z
Q%3d%3d#db=aph&AN=41893918.
Ariely, D., Hitsch, G, J., & Hortacsu, A. (2010). What makes you click? – Mate
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
140
preferences in online dating. Quantitative Marketing and Economics, 8(4).
http://search.proquest.com/docview/816795235?accountid=25347.
Buss, D, M. (1998). Sexual strategies history: historical origins and current status.
Journal of Sex Research, 35(1), 21.
http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00224499809551914.
Buss, D, M., Schmitt D, P., & Shackelford, T, K. (2005). Universal Dimensions of
human mate preferences. Personality and Individual Differences. 447–458.
Cheshire, C., Fiore, A, T., Mendelsohn, G, A., & Taylor, L, S. (2010). “Out of my
league:”A real-world test of the matching hypothesis. Personality and Social Psychology
Bulletin, 37(7), 4,6.
http://psp.sagepub.com/content/37/7/942.full.pdf+html.
Donath, J.S., & Fiore, A, T. (2005). Homophily in online dating: when do you like
someone like yourself? ACM Computer-Human Interaction, 2.
http://www.ischool.berkeley.edu/research/publications/2005/313/0.
Fisman, R., Iyengar, S., Kamenica, E., & Simonson, I. (2008). Racial preferences in
dating. The Review of Economic Studies, 75(1), 117–118.
http://search.proquest.com/docview/204348357?accountid=25347.
Appendix
Chart 1
Identification of “code words” or non-code words used to describe physical attributes or
situational characteristics (most common ones; identified in five or more profiles, separated by
gender)
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
141
Terms used by women*
Terms used by men**
Both***
Aspects of attractiveness
Handsome*
Cute*
Pretty**
Sexy**
Healthy**
Athletic***
Active**
Toned**
Fit**
Feminine**
Sexy**
Beauty**
Confident**
Takes care of her body**
Health-conscious**
Non-physical attributes
Similarities
Supportive*
Educated**
Successful*
Employed*
Family oriented***
Good with kids*
Professional*
Responsible*
Independent**
Family values*
Grounded*
Affectionate*
Sensitive*
Committed*
Thoughtful*
Kind*
Generous*
Goal-oriented*
Considerate*
Caring*
Appreciative***
Passionate***
Stable*
Shares same/common
interests***
My match***
Variables
Women
Men
Attractiveness
16
37
Situational factors
38
13
Similarities
34
21
Table 1
* Scores, for each gender, calculated based on individual profiles (out of 50 men, and 50 women)
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
142
* Score indicates total number of participants that reached the criteria for that specific variable
(example: 16/50 women desired attractiveness in a man, as indicated by an indirect or direct term)
Jessica Torres (freshman)
Online Dating Behavior: The Preferences Men and Women Desire Universal Dimensions
Shaped by Evolution (final draft)
The characteristics that women and men prefer in their significant other reflect what they
want for themselves and thus their future relationships. However, this pursuit is sometimes
difficult, primarily due to today’s busy and hectic work schedules. As a result, many turn to
online dating; profiles on dating sites provide people with the opportunity to find their “match.”
A user’s “match” depends on their sexual preferences, which have been shown to have a
biological basis. According to Trivers’ theory, parental investment of both sexes is the
Comment [A141]: Note that you used a
plural pronoun (“their”) with a singular
subject. Please be more careful.
Comment [A142]: You need a citation
here.
determining factor of such mating behavior. For example, a mother’s investment is usually
defined as “internal fertilization, gestation, and placentation,” a larger investment compared to a
father’s, which is that of providing for their children (Buss, 1998, p. 21). Therefore, from an
evolutionary perspective arises the fact that women are more selective than men; they invest
Comment [A143]: Not a happy
construction. Can you see the problem?
more in their offspring and thus are more conscious of a mate’s “value.” Current dating behavior
is an image of this model and thus, today’s dating culture can be further analyzed given the
following studies that identify some of the many universal dimensions of selectivity among
mates.
The first study by Ariely, Hitsch, and Hortacsu (2010) focused on mating patterns and
several preference factors such as similarities among mates, same-race preferences, and gender
differences. This study was conducted in 2003 through an online dating service in Boston and
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A144]: Unclear.
143
San Diego where the behavior of 6,485 users (out of a primary sample of 22,000 users) was
analyzed over a period of three and a half months. A diverse sample was studied as
demographics and socioeconomic traits varied. It was found that users have a strong preference
for similarity; some of these comparable attributes included ethnicity, education levels, marital
status, religion, and political views. Furthermore, it was concluded that more women, as opposed
to men, have discrepancies in their personal profiles concerning their stated preference of a
mate’s race or ethnicity and their revealed preferences. Overall, it was determined that users
Comment [A145]: What does this mean,
exactly? It is unclear from what your wrote.
search for partners with similar aspects.
It has been known that humans tend to interact with people of similar interests and so
choose their mates accordingly. Donath and Fiore (2005) conducted a study to analyze the
Comment [A146]: As discussed in class,
sentences with real subjects—as opposed to
pseudo-subjects like “it” and “there”—are
easier to read. You should have edited this
sentence accordingly.
dimensions that are taken into consideration when individuals search for their significant other,
which are usually attributes that correlate with themselves, a theory that is known as “homophily.”
Comment [A147]: Unclear.
Profile data of 52,857 users taken directly from an online dating website was analyzed over an
Comment [A148]: As discussed in class,
“data” is plural, not singular.
eight-month period (June 2002 through February 2003). Messages sent and received between
Comment [A149]: APA formatting
requires the Arabic numeral here.
users were used to determine the response rate between members; those with similar interests
were more likely to exchange. Additionally, profile attributes of the users, and their preferences
in a mate were categorized; it was found that characteristics such as smoker/non-smoker had a
more “bounding strength,” in comparison to having a similar feature such as blue eyes (2). As a
result, it was concluded that there is a positive correlation between the level of contact between
users and their similarities.
Individuals who have preferential outcomes in dating are looking for that “perfect match,”
which can be seen in Taylor, Fiore, Mendelsohn, and Cheshire’s (2011) research. They
administered a study “to test the matching hypothesis,” which focused on the idea that an
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A150]: This is not a
grammatical construction. Can you see why?
144
individual’s self-assessment is congruent with “whom they select as dating partners” (4).
Therefore, to test this hypothesis, 182 participants were asked to create an online dating profile,
imagine they were searching for a partner, and view potential profile matches. Furthermore, to
analyze the participants’ dimensions of self-worth, they had rated themselves on a Likert scale
regarding their self-perceptions of physical attractiveness, likeability, self-esteem, kindness, and
trust. The results revealed a somewhat positive correlation between an individual’s self-worth
and their likelihood to select their mate on the basis of their self-assessment. Participants with
higher assessments were more likely to contact “high-desirability targets” than participants with
lower assessments and vice versa (6). The idea of an exchange of similarities among partners
also accounts for the universal gender-specific preferences.
In 2005, a cross-cultural study was conducted by Shackelford et al. that focused on the
characteristics that men and women prefer in a partner. Research was conducted among 37
cultures, with a total of 9,809 participants who ranged from 17 to 30 years. To evaluate mating
preferences, participants responded to an 18-item survey rating “the importance of 18 mate
characteristics” (449). Results indicated a pattern of preferences among cultures; as seen in
previous studies, “women more than men value social status and financial resources in a longterm mate,” and “men more than women value in potential mates their good looks, health, and a
desire for home and children” (447–458). Furthermore, it was concluded that men and women
worldwide desire four universal dimensions, one being Dependable/Stable vs. Good
Looks/Health, that have shown to be consistent in various other studies.
Another study investigating the different preferences of men and women in online dating
focused on varying factors that each age cohort seeks in a partner. Regardless of age, Alterovitz
and Mendelsohn (2009) hypothesized that older individuals involved in dating are found to
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
145
follow similar mating patterns as younger generations. In this study, 600 personal ads from
Yahoo! Personals were used. Four main age groups were analyzed: 20–34 years (young adults),
40–54 years (middle-aged adults), 60–74 years (young-old adults), and 75+ years (old-old adults).
Participants were sampled from Texas, Washington, and Pennsylvania, where both men and
women were equally represented. Some of the dependent variables used were “desired age
difference,” “social status sought and offered,” “physical attractiveness sought and offered,” and
“selectivity” (pp. 514–515). The results indicated that men, across their life span, seek younger
women and the age difference tends to increase as they age. As well, it was found that a
woman’s selectivity increases later in life. Overall, it was identified that both men and women,
throughout their life span, keep the same dating behaviors “even when reproduction and
protection of offspring are no longer a concern” (516).
The Present Study
This study replicated Buss et al.’s (2005); 100 personal ads, of 50 men and 50 women
were analyzed to determine different mating behaviors. Three hypotheses were proposed. First, it
was predicted that both men and women, alike, prefer mates who have similar characteristics as
themselves. Secondly, it was predicted that women put more emphasis on level of education,
occupation, stability, and family values than men. Lastly, it was predicted that men tend to put
more emphasis on physical attributes, whether related to fitness or beauty, than women.
Methods
Source of Ads
In this study, personal ads were used from a free online dating website, Match.com on
Yahoo!, where anyone can create and activate a profile. Users have the choice of how descriptive
they want to be in their profiles, and the questions they want to answer. Questions are grouped
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A151]: Your literature
review is thorough, but it is not particularly
well written. The number of unclear
statements is far too high. I encourage you
to devote more time to editing. I also
encourage you to visit the writing center for
assistance.
146
into categories including appearance, lifestyle, background and values of both the ad writer and
their potential partner. As well, questions range from physical attributes such as hair color and
body type, to personal characteristics such as religion, and income.
Participants
Given the use of random sampling, 50 heterosexual men and 50 heterosexual women
were used. All the participants represented various local regions and ranged in age from 18–70.
Similarities between users and potential partners
For the first hypothesis similar commonalities throughout the entire profile were looked
at; direct similarities, for example, same type of marital status or language spoken, and terms that
indicated a preference, as seen in chart 1. For every individual profile, if the “majority” of
desired factors (in a potential partner) matched the participant’s, a score of 1 was added to a
designated column (separated by males and females). A “majority” was measured by more
instances of common “matches” such as same religion preferred, than less. Furthermore, each
score of 1 represented one participant. Therefore, the total scores of each column represented an
overall score, with a range of zero to fifty (none to all the participants of a gender).
Similarities were measured based on the occurrences of common characteristics or
preferences. Analyzing began with the “about” section which allowed the user to describe
themselves and their ideal match. As well, desired characteristics concerning appearance,
lifestyle, background, and values of the user’s potential partner were compared to the user’s own
descriptions of themselves. To determine a positive correlation between information sought and
offered commonalities had to be present, specifically four or more matches of similar hobbies,
religion, ethnicity, marital status, level of education, income status, or other factors. A match
represented a characteristic found to be the same between the user and a potential mate. If a
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A152]: Wrong format.
147
majority of the factors were “matches” the participant would therefore be considered as more
selective in terms of dating a similar individual.
Comment [A153]: This section is good.
Nice detail.
Desired selective characteristics
Comment [A154]: Wrong format.
The random sample of 100 participants was divided into two groups: male and female.
Two rows on a table, as seen in table 1, with two columns (men and women) were created and
marked as “attractiveness” and “situational factors.”
The overall profiles of the female participants were analyzed for key words such as
family-oriented or stable, which were mostly present in the “about” section (as shown in chart 1).
As well, preferences concerning occupation, income, and education were looked at; income
higher than the participant’s and an education of a bachelor’s degree or higher were measured as
fitting. Thus, if two or more of these key information pieces were present the participant was
considered to be selective in that category, and thus a score of 1 was added to the non-physical
attributes or “situational factors” row.
For male participants, preferences concerning appearance were used to determine their
desired characteristics. Analysis began with the “appearance” section that included preferences
for height, body type, and eye and hair color for the user’s “date.” Additionally, the presence of
key words such as health conscious, sexy, or feminine provided in the “about” section were
accumulated. Therefore, if three out of the four “appearance” options were completed and key
words were given by the ad writer, the participant was considered to be more selective in terms
of physicality, more so than other characteristics. Consequently, a score of 1 for every “selective”
participant was added to the male “attractiveness” row.
This second set of data had a total score for each of the two categories in both the male
and female columns. Like the first data set, each score of 1 represented a female or male
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
148
participant. Thus, each column had a score ranging from zero to fifty. As well, the total of the
two rows or categories concerning the specific preferred factors may have been higher or lower
than 50 because either some participants considered both factors important or some emphasized
Comment [A155]: Good section.
neither.
Results
Sixty-eight percent of female participants were more inclined to date a man who was
similar, which was defined as a majority of non-physical aspects resembling the user’s. These
characteristics were mainly concerned with lifestyles, whether it was in terms of marital status,
religion, income or less significant factors such as hobbies. For the male participants, 42% of
them indicated that similarities were important, which can be measured based on preferences
complementing their own attributes. Men, more so than women, were more likely to find interest
in a potential partner that may not have been similar.
Considering the second hypothesis, attractiveness as a preference for women and
situational factors as a preference for men was measured on the similar basis of the opposite sex
to gain a variable for comparison. Therefore, four separate scores were shown; 16 (32%) women
preferred attractiveness over factors such as education level, income, and family values, which
received a greater score of 38 (76%). On the other hand, the men’s data, as expected, revealed
contradicting results; there was a score of 37 (74%) for the men’s row concerning physical
characteristics. The opposing factors (non-physical) revealed a statistically significant difference,
as only 13 of the 50 men scored in that area. As shown by the results, women are more likely to
focus on situational characteristics, such as stability, in comparison to the physical attributes that
men tend to seek through their selection process. Overall, the scores out of a possible fifty for
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
149
both men and women represent the number of participants, per gender, that were drawn to
similarities, and attractiveness versus situational factors, or both.
Discussion
The results showed that two of the three hypotheses were supported. Men and women,
regardless of age or ethnicity, desired partners who shared similar characteristics. However,
more of the female participants preferred similarities in a relationship, which is congruent with
Donath and Fiore’s (2005) finding that “homophily” is a major factor in dating. Attraction for
both sexes, especially females, therefore seems related to a preference for commonality or shared
interests, which strengthen a relationship. The “value” of a mate is seen differently for both men
and women and thus explains this exchange of similarities that women desire more than do men.
A woman’s large investments puts her more at risk of being able to sustain her offspring and so
seeks a complementary partner who can properly invest the remaining, which in most cases is
financial resources.
Furthermore, this can be correlated with a woman’s greater emphasis on a man’s stability
and dependability than physicality. As seen in Donath and Fiore’s study, similar situational
factors such as smoker vs. non-smoker has a more “bounding strength” over a physical attribute
such as eye color. Consequently, men are valued in terms of what they can bring to the
relationship, their life-long assets. Such behavior supports the idea that women are more
selective than men, which has its origins in a woman’s evolutionary past.
Additionally, the factors that each gender prefers in a partner can be linked to biology.
Women placed greater value on education, income, occupation, and family than on physical
characteristics. For example, 76% of the female participants were more likely to date a man who
was more educated, family-oriented, and not entirely handsome than a financially unstable
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A156]: This section should
have presented more data.
150
physically attractive man. As shown in the data, the majority of female users favored situational
factors over attractiveness. These women know that a man with an education indicates financial
stability and thus able to provide for a family, which as evolution has shown is an essential
component of a woman’s choice. As well, a man concerned with family values most likely wants
children at some point in his marriage. In this case, the evolutionary model seems to fit; the large
investment women put into their offspring compels them to be more selective, especially in
terms of their partner’s success, indicating supportiveness.
Their selectivity, better yet, does not decrease later in life. As indicated in Alterovitz and
Mendelsohn’s study (2009), even though a 60 or 70 year old woman, for example, may be far
beyond her reproductive years, a woman, at any age, due to evolution will always seek men who
meet their long list of criteria. Women inherently are drawn to men who have an education, a
career, and place a great deal of value on family; these appealing characteristics promote a secure
future. To procreate may not be a women’s main goal, but that of having support for her
offspring. As a result, there is and always will be an expectation for women, regardless of age or
ethnicity, to seek a life-long partner whom they can depend on for stability and rely on for
“resources.” As predicted, attractiveness for women has no sole standing in terms of being the
winning factor during the selection process. A man has to be beyond handsome, as their good
looks will not support their offspring, which is contrary to the importance of genes for men.
On the other hand, this preference did not hold true for men, whom, from an evolutionary
perspective have small investments, which may explain why they prioritized physicality over
family values and education. As predicted, the male participants scored physical attraction most
highly. The women, on the other hand, rated family values and education most highly—
essentially with scores that were opposite those of the men. Men also placed a high value on
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
151
physical health and the external “whole package.” This preference goes beyond the point of pure
attractiveness, as evolution has shaped this tendency: Men are drawn to signals that denote
fertility. Likewise, this preference is seen in Alterovitz and Mendelsohn’s (2009) study; the male
participants sought younger women, regardless of their age. As a woman ages, her likelihood to
conceive declines and thus, a physically attractive woman signals a reproductive opportunity that
men, from an evolutionary perspective, desire. Any opportunity to reproduce is a plus for men,
as it is a chance for their genes to be passed down, which furthermore benefits them. Consciously,
men may not choose a woman based on their ability to procreate, but a man’s preference for
attractiveness over other distinct factors is the succeeding unconscious habit.
Furthermore, it was surprising that only 13 out of the 50 male participants were
concerned about a potential partner’s education level or family values. However, these results
correlated with those of the Shackelford et al.’s (2005) study in which there was a pattern of
male preferences for a potential mate with good looks and healthy. Nevertheless, the score was
in the same range as the women’s preference for attractiveness, which received a 16 out of 50.
These low scores on both ends further support the mating differences that are based on evolution.
Previous studies have established that similarities among individuals are a “plus.” Additionally, a
man’s primary role in a relationship is to provide a secure environment rich in resources,
whereas that of a woman is to be fertile and pass down the genes of her partner. Therefore, men
and women tend to seek mates accordingly.
The hypotheses were supported but not confirmed, generalizable owing to the small
sample size. However, the results were congruent with previous studies. With greater research
the factors that go into the dating selection process can be furthermore proven as some of the
main mating preferences that have been shaped by evolution.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
152
References
Alterovitz, S., & Mendelsohn, G. A. (2009). Partner preferences across the life span:
online
dating by older adults. Psychology & Aging, 24(2), 514–516.
http://web.ebscohost.com/ehost/detail?sid=acbe0e52-06a4-4a94-a0fd2f577e37af78%40sessionmgr113&vid=1&hid=123&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2Z
Q%3d%3d#db=aph&AN=41893918.
Ariely, D., Hitsch, G, J., & Hortacsu, A. (2010). What makes you click? – Mate
preferences in online dating. Quantitative Marketing and Economics, 8(4).
http://search.proquest.com/docview/816795235?accountid=25347.
Buss, D, M. (1998). Sexual strategies history: historical origins and current status.
Journal of Sex Research, 35(1), 21.
http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00224499809551914.
Buss, D, M., Schmitt D, P., & Shackelford, T, K. (2005). Universal Dimensions of
human mate preferences. Personality and Individual Differences. 447–458.
Cheshire, C., Fiore, A, T., Mendelsohn, G, A., & Taylor, L, S. (2010). “Out of my
league:”A real-world test of the matching hypothesis. Personality and Social Psychology
Bulletin, 37(7), 4,6.
http://psp.sagepub.com/content/37/7/942.full.pdf+html.
Donath, J.S., & Fiore, A, T. (2005). Homophily in online dating: when do you like
someone like yourself? ACM Computer-Human Interaction, 2.
http://www.ischool.berkeley.edu/research/publications/2005/313/0
Comment [A157]: Ok. Overall, you did
a good job, but you could have done better
had you paid more attention to clarity,
sentence structure, and formatting. Your
Appendix was very good, a nice detail. You
have improved significantly over the term,
and you should be proud of your progress.
Grade = B
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
153
Appendix
Chart 1
Identification of “code words” or non-code words used to describe physical attributes or
situational characteristics (most common ones; identified in five or more profiles, separated by
gender)
Terms used by women*
Terms used by men**
Both***
Aspects of attractiveness
Handsome*
Cute*
Pretty**
Sexy**
Healthy**
Athletic***
Active**
Toned**
Fit**
Feminine**
Sexy**
Beauty**
Confident**
Takes care of her body**
Health-conscious**
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Non-physical attributes
Supportive*
Educated**
Successful*
Employed*
Family oriented***
Good with kids*
Professional*
Responsible*
Independent**
Family values*
Grounded*
Affectionate*
Sensitive*
Committed*
Thoughtful*
Kind*
Generous*
Goal-oriented*
Considerate*
Caring*
Appreciative***
Passionate***
Stable*
Similarities
Shares same/common
interests***
My match***
154
Table 1
Variables
Women
Men
Attractiveness
16
37
Situational factors
38
13
Similarities
34
21
* Scores, for each gender, calculated based on individual profiles (out of 50 men, and 50 women)
* Score indicates total number of participants that reached the criteria for that specific variable
(example: 16/50 women desired attractiveness in a man, as indicated by an indirect or direct term)
Match.com Ad
Example of participant profile and analysis process
Male participant who prefers both similarities and appearance
Emphasis of physical appearance in a partner
Preferences indicating commonalities
JacklesOne
26 years old
ABOUT HIM & WHO HE'S LOOKING FOR
I am looking for an upbeat and energetic girl that just loves life! I was born/raised in Southern
California and love calling this place home. I am a working professional and believe in hard
work but also know the importance of relaxation and good play time. I am big on having a
balanced life. I take my career seriously but I am by no means a workaholic. I love to travel and
just being at the airport puts me in a good mood. Exercise and keeping healthy are also important
to me. I have a 5-month old beagle puppy who really keeps me on my feet! I am a dog person but
I would love to have a cat if I was sure it wouldn't give me allergies and hide under the bed when
people come over (I find most cats do this). I also love to cook and people say I'm pretty good at
it.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
155
I believe successful people; in all facets of life; are great listeners, humble, ask a lot of questions,
are risk-takers and decision-makers and are those who aren't afraid to make a mistake or two (but
to be quick to learn from them). I like to be around people of wisdom. I am a Christian and I do
my best to show this in how I live, although I am far from perfect. I'm so grateful to God for the
good things and success in my life and I try to not take anyone or anything for granted. My
grandma has always said that there are 'no guarantees in life;' I choose to look at this in a positive
light and make the most of each day. It is so important to live for today; I'm sure there's been a
song or two written about this ;)
Whether it is just staying at home and watching a movie or going out somewhere and having a
great time it will work if the chemistry is right. There are nights I like to just keep it in and cook
for myself and other nights when I just can't wait to get out (I work from home). I like to always
challenge myself and try new things and experience new adventures. I lean a bit more to the
'planner' side so I am looking for someone spontaneous and ready to go on for an adventure at
the drop of a hat. You need to like the outdoors because I take advantage of just about all sunny
SoCal has to offer.
You'll find I'm a very easy going guy. You can say I'm an honest person and am upfront; I like
people best who don't play mind games. At the same time I can have dry/sarcastic type of humor
that will keep you on your toes. I can definitely take a joke and laugh at myself too so keep it
coming. I do my best to eat healthy and keep in shape; obviously something important I look for
in someone else. Friends/family would describe me as loyal, dependable, honest, and driven. I
like just about all music genres and I don't really have just one favorite band. I was raised
listening to classic rock because that's all my mom listened to but I can listen to anything from
country to hip-hop/rap so long as it's actually good music and not overplayed.
So...let's see how this works out...I'm ready to meet that awesome girl and have a great time!
Interests:
Coffee and conversation, Business networking, Cooking, Dining out,
Fishing/Hunting, Gardening/Landscaping, Movies/Videos, Music and concerts,
Exploring new areas, Playing sports, Religion/Spiritual, Travel/Sightseeing,
Volunteering, Watching sports, Wine tasting
Sports and exercise:
Cycling, Running, Tennis / Racquet sports, Walking / Hiking, Weights / Machines
Exercise habits:
Exercise 3-4 times per week
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
156
Pets:
I have Dogs
Political views:
Middle of the Road
Sign:
Capricorn
College:
California State Polytechnic University, Pomona, Pomona, CA
For Fun:
Traveling, road trips, having a low-key Sunday afternoon BBQ with friends,
spending time with my family, meeting up with friends for coffee or at the gym,
outdoors/hiking, mountain biking, concerts, Angel/Laker games, fixing up the house,
gardening
Favorite Hot Spots:
Newport Beach, Pasadena, Hollywood, SGV, Vegas, and more often than not, at
HOME is the best
Favorite Things:
Dog, iPhone, good food/drink, wine, good friends, fast cars, a long day at the beach,
a good productive work day, Costco, cheesecake, a good work out, racquetball,
gardening, Christmas, Modern Family, In N' Out, Chick-Fil-A, pandora,
photography
ABOUT...
HIM
HIS DATE
Height:
5'9" (175cms)
5'3" (160cms) to 5'10"
(178cms)
Body type:
Athletic and toned
Slender, About average,
Athletic and toned
Eyes:
Hazel
Blue, Green, Hazel
Hair:
Dark blonde
Black, Light brown, Dark
brown, Blonde, Dark
blonde
APPEARANCE:
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
157
ABOUT...
HIM
HIS DATE
Smoke:
No Way
No Way, Occasionally
Drink:
Social Drinker
Social Drinker, Regularly,
Moderately
Occupation:
Other profession
No preference
LIFESTYLE:
I am a Property adjuster for Travelers Insurance. I am passionate
about my career and my job is challenging yet extremely
rewarding
Income:
$75,001 to $100,000
$35,001 to $50,000,
$50,001 to $75,000,
$75,001 to $100,000,
$100,001 to $150,000
Relationship:
Never Married
Never Married
Have kids:
No
No
Want kids:
Definitely
Definitely, Someday
White / Caucasian
Latino / Hispanic, Pacific
Islander, White /
Caucasian
BACKGROUND/VALUES
:
Ethnicity:
I am mostly Norwegian; some German
Faith:
Christian / Other
Christian / Catholic,
Christian / Protestant,
Christian / Other
Languages:
English
English
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
158
ABOUT...
Education:
HIM
HIS DATE
Bachelors degree
Bachelors degree,
Graduate degree, PhD /
Post Doctoral
I have a finance/real estate degree from Cal Poly Pomona
Anonymous (Junior-Level Writing Class at a West Coast University)
This course was offered as part of a writing in the disciplines program. It was designed
for students majoring in one of the social and behavior sciences, such as psychology, linguistics,
and sociology. The course provides students with advanced training in composition and APA
conventions, and it also prepares them to write their senior capstone project.
Because many students enter their junior year not knowing what they will select as a
capstone project, the assignments for the course are sequenced in a way that helps students
explore potential topics. The first assignment, for example, asks them to identify their field of
interest—psychology, for example. It then asks them to investigate—using texts and faculty
interviews—the questions that researchers are currently attempting to answer and how they are
doing so. This assignment not only helps them discover a viable research topic but also helps
them understand that being an expert in the field does not involve merely having knowledge of
the field; it also involves knowing what the important questions are.
The third assignment, offered here, asks students to begin the first step in producing a
research proposal—reviewing the relevant literature. The goal is to have them produce a
literature review that is the first part of their research proposal.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
159
Assignment 3
Assignment 3 requires you to perform a comprehensive literature review, preferably on
the topic you investigated for assignments 1 and 2. In any event, your literature review must be
lined to your research proposal (Assignment 4), for you will use it as part of your final paper.
This assignment therefore requires that you have a clear idea for your research proposal; without
it, your literature review will lack focus.
Keep in mind that a literature review serves to establish your credibility as a researcher,
demonstrating that you are familiar with the scholarship in the field as well as dominant theories.
A literature review also provides a context for your proposal. That is, literature reviews in
general illustrate what has and has not been done in the field, thereby providing a rationale for
your proposal. There are two primary rationales for research: (1) there is a gap that needs to be
filled; (2) different conditions warrant duplicating an earlier study.
Your review should be 5-8 pages, not counting references.
Lara Petersen (Junior)
Difficulties in Verb-final Translation Training (final, no initial drafts submitted)
Japanese-English and English-Japanese translation is quite difficult, owing to the fact that
Japanese is a head-final language and English is a head-initial language (Isozaki, Sudoh,
Tsukada, & Duh, 2010). When translating between a language with a verb-final construction and
one with a verb-central construction, the translator must use many different methods than if the
languages were similarly arranged. Translation is arguably more difficult, therefore, between two
languages with different word structure than two languages with similar word structure (Seeber,
2001). These difficulties become more acute in situations that require either simultaneous
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A158]: Ungrammatical.
You can’t use “many” in a comparison;
thus, you should have “use more methods
than if.” “Different” isn’t necessary because
it is inherent in “more.”
Comment [A159]: Faulty parallelism.
Can you see it?
160
interpreting (SI) or simultaneous translation (ST). The questions that arise are: (1) what sort of
training methods, if any, can help with translating SVO-SOV languages, and (2) what level of
competency must the translator have in order to produce an accurate translation. Although many
scholars have researched appropriate training methods, few have attempted empirical studies
regarding SI. There are many gaps in the research that must be filled, particularly in regard to the
question of translation competency.
Although certain “natural” capabilities are prerequisites to high-quality translation or to
simultaneous interpreting (Gile 2009), studies have shown that translation training can be
especially useful for non-professional translators, either for the purpose of helping natural talents
unfold and develop or for instruction in technical procedures (Tetrault 1988; Viaggio 1988; Gile
1994, 2009). Interpretation and translation are practiced under a wide variety of conditions.
Many interpreters and translators work full-time, whereas others such as housewives, students,
and journalists work part-time for supplementary income (Katan, 2009). Interpreting and
translation work can also be assigned to employees who happen to speak one or more foreign
languages. The variety of conditions in which interpreters and translators work means that the
requirements for those positions must also be quite diverse. Training may not be necessary, or
only minimally provided.
Training is crucial, however, for professional translators. Although formal training in
translation or interpretation is not mandatory for lower-level translation, it can perform at least
two important functions for upper-level translation (Gile 2009). One purpose of formal training
is to enhance the performance of professional translators. Formal training also helps
professionals develop translation skills more rapidly than through simple field experience and
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A160]: I’m struggling to see
how this sentence fits the paragraph.
161
self-instruction. Self-taught interpreting may involve large amounts of trial and error and be
ultimately insufficient for true mastery of the target language.
One of the more important aspects in SVO-SOV translation is translation competence.
Since the beginning of translation studies (TS), many authors have identified different
components of translation competence (e.g., Kiraly 1995; Hansen 1997, 2006; Schäffner & Adab
2000). One simple method is laid out by Gile (2009), where he identified four main components
necessary for translation competence. The first is that “interpreters and translators need to have
good passive knowledge of their passive working languages” (p. 8). Although this may seem
self-evident, it is less clear how good this passive knowledge must be. Gile stated that for the
“lowest” levels of interpreting and translation work, high-school knowledge of the foreign
language can be enough, but as you move up toward top-level translation and conference
interpreting, requirements also increase. Conference and simultaneous interpreting have
especially high demands, because the interpreters must respond very quickly to spoken language.
Such a skill is not taught or acquired in a foreign language classroom and requires extremely
good passive knowledge of the interpreter’s working languages. This also becomes much more
difficult in the case of translating between different word structures, because as Moser-Mercer
(2000) declared, an interpreter can hardly ever wait to process an entire sentence before
beginning their interpretation (p. 84).
Gile’s second component is: “Interpreters and translators need to have good command of
their active working languages” (p. 9). This requirement may again seem self-evident, but in toplevel translating and interpreting, the standard is very demanding. Professional literary
translators need not only excellent command of their active working languages but also the
grammar, editing, and publication conventions of the target language. Therefore, professional
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A161]: Not a wellstructured sentence. Can you see why?
162
translators need professional writing/editorial skills as well as multi-lingual competence.
Similarly, conference interpreters are required to make speeches at a quality level expected from
Comment [A162]: What about
contextual knowledge? I know that when I
translate from Greek or Latin to English,
the context of the original text is central to
the translation.
the personalities they interpret, such as diplomats, scientists, lawyers, or politicians, and
appropriate for the relevant circumstances: press conferences, political speeches, scientific
presentations, courtrooms, etc. This requirement goes beyond the “natural” command people
acquire in their native language and sometimes requires years of extra study.
Gile’s third requirement is: “Interpreters and translators need to have sufficient
knowledge of the themes and subject-matters addressed by the texts or speeches they translate”
(p. 9). Gile stated that this requirement is necessarily non-specific because the need for
specialized information varies widely in different situations. Depending on their existing
knowledge, the availability of documents, and of human help, translators can take on less
specialized subjects without extensive training beforehand.
The fourth and final requirement is that “translators must have both declarative and
procedural knowledge about translation” (p. 9). Gile stated that “declarative knowledge” is the
kind of knowledge that can be described in words. The translator’s declarative knowledge
includes knowledge about clients, behavioral norms governing relations between translators and
clients and between translators and other translators, knowledge about information sources,
about the clients’ specific expectations for each assignment, etc. “Procedural knowledge” is the
ability to actually perform actions; the translator’s relevant procedural knowledge refers to
technical skills involved in the act of translation (p. 9).
When translating an SVO language to an SOV language or vice versa, Gile’s four main
components are often joined by other methods. Seeber (2001) declared that one of the more
important factors in syntactically different SI is anticipation. Defined by Van Besien (1999) as
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A163]: I sense that you may
have over-relied on this source.
163
“the production of a constituent (a word or a group of words) in the target language before the
speaker has uttered the corresponding constituent in the source language” (p. 250), this idea is
informed by two main schools of thought. The first, called “the universalists” by Setton (1999)
and the “liberal arts community” by Moser-Mercer (1994), is based on the interpretive theory
and holds that given sufficient linguistic proficiency in both languages, SI is equally difficult.
The ability to predict language will cancel out structural differences. Followers of this theory
Comment [A164]: Unclear.
also maintain that anticipation is applied to all parts of a sentence and that therefore no special
attention is paid to the verb in SVO or SOV translation (Seeber, 2001).
The second, called “the bilateralists” by Setton (1999) and the “natural science
community” by Moser-Mercer (1994), is based on the information processing paradigm and
draws mainly on cognitive psychology and neuroscience. Followers of this school of thought
maintain that the sequential nature of language comprehension has a direct effect on SI, because
the translation processes depend on linguistic structure. According to them, the fact that the
interpreter is missing a certain piece of the sentence when interpreting between structurally
different languages will cause them to utilize strategies such as anticipation, because an
interpreter can almost never wait until the sentence is done before beginning their interpretation
(Seeber, 2001).
Scholars have debated other theories of anticipation as well. Lederer (1981) argued that
anticipation is not a language-specific phenomenon and offered a distinction between cognitive
and linguistic anticipation, as well as a third type which she called “freewheeling interpretation”
(as quoted by Seeber 2001, p. 63). “Freewheeling interpretation” is when the interpreter has
already decided on the meaning of the sentence and listens to the speaker’s words only to
confirm and make any corrections needed.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A165]: Do you see the
agreement error here?
164
Seeber also mentions the importance of prosodic cues (p. 66), although this aspect of
anticipatory interpretation has been mostly unexplored up until this point. Most researchers focus
on semantic and syntactic anticipation (see Moser 1976, Wilss 1978, Lederer 1981, Gile 1995,
Setton 1999) and only include mention of prosody for completeness. Seeber (2001) speculates
that prosody has not been studied further because computer technology has only recently made it
possible to quantify, analyze and process prosodic features in an economical fashion (p. 66). The
importance of prosodic cues in SOV-SVO translation is an area of study that should be expanded
upon in the near future.
Many areas of SVO-SOV translation have yet to be fully explored. At the beginning of
this review, two questions were asked: (1) what sort of training methods, if any, can help with
translating SVO-SOV languages, and (2) what level of competency must the translator have in
order to produce an accurate translation. Although the first question has been answered quite
fully by scholars such as Gile and Moser-Mercer, the second question requires more
investigation. The importance of anticipation has not been satisfactorily researched; prosody as
well needs more study. Empirical research of basic professional SVO-SOV translation methods
is quite lacking.
The proposed study would attempt to close some of these gaps in information.
Specifically, it would investigate how professional interpreters use anticipation and prosody as
they translate between SVO and SOV languages. As translation studies expand and professional
interpreters become in higher demand, proper understanding is crucial for effective training. This
study would help rectify the lack of knowledge and increase competence both for translators and
teachers.
Comment [A166]: Good job overall.
You may want to reconsider the attention
you give to Gile and Moser-Mercer; doing
so might lead to a better balance in the
survey of ideas. In addition, you may want
to consider that your survey gives relatively
little attention to linguistic factors
associated with SVO/SOV translation, even
though the title suggests that it will.
Grade = A
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
165
References
Gile, Daniel (2009). Basic concepts and models for interpreter and translator training.
Philadelphia, PA: John Benjamins Publishing Co.
Isozaki, H., Sudoh, K., Tsukada, H., & Duh, K (2010). Head finalization: a simple reordering
rule for SOV languages. WMT '10 Proceedings of the Joint Fifth Workshop on Statistical
Machine Translation and MetricsMATR. Stroudsburg, PA: Association for
Computational Linguistics, 244-251.
Katan, D. (2009). Translation theory and professional practice: a global survey of the great
divide. Journal of Language and Communication Studies, 42, 111-153.
Kiraly, D. (1995). Pathways to translation: pedagogy and process. Kent, OH: Kent State
University Press.
Moser-Mercer, Barbara (1994). Aptitude testing for conference interpreting: why, when and
how. Philadelphia, PA: John Benjamins Publishing Co.
Moser-Mercer, B. (2000). Simultaneous interpreting. Interpreting 5:2, 83-94.
Seeber, Killian G. (2001). Intonation and anticipation in simultaneous interpreting. Cahiers
de linguistique française, 23, 61-97.
Setton, R. (1999). Simultaneous interpretation: a cognitive and pragmatic analysis. Philadelphia,
PA: John Benjamins Publishing Co.
Tetrault, Emery W. (1988). On generic training. In Hammond, Deanna L. (Ed.), Languages at
crossroads, proceedings of the 29th annual conference of the American Translators
Association (pp. 323–338). Medford, NJ: Learned Information Inc.
Van Besien, F. (1999). Anticipation in simultaneous interpretation. Translators’ Journal 44:2,
250-259.
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166
Viaggio, S (1988). Teaching interpretation to beginners, or how not to scare them to death. In
Hammond, Deanna L. (Ed.), Languages at crossroads, proceedings of the 29th annual
conference of the American Translators Association (pp. 339–406). Medford, NJ:
Learned Information Inc.
Wills, W. (1978). Syntactic Anticipation in German-English Simultaneous Interpreting. In D.
Gerver & H.W. Sinaiko (Eds.), Language interpretation and communication (pp. 343352). New York, NY: Plenum Press.
Analysis
Lara’s literature review provides a clear discussion of the research and theory associated
with some facets of translation, although, as her professor pointed out, she relied too heavily on
Gile. We also see that the writing is essentially error free. One might assume that at this level all
students will be producing error-free writing, but the assumption would be wrong. Many upperdivision students lack writing proficiency.
Although Lara did not submit any of her initial drafts of this paper, it is the case that she
completed at least two before turning in this final draft. Attention to detail during the
revision/editing process explains the absence of errors.
Anonymous (Junior)
What Prevents Students from Reading: Language Learning and Motivation (final, no initial
drafts were submitted)
A wealth of studies has shown that the amount of reading positively correlates to
language proficiency (e.g., Elly & Mangubhai, 1983; Robb & Susser, 1989; Bell, 2001;
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
167
Renandya & Jacobs, 2001; Herrell & Jordan; 2004 Krashen, 2004, 2011). As one of the more
common reading techniques, extensive reading has been a topic of research in both first language
(L1) and second language (L2) education. Extensive reading involves reading a large number or
lengthy materials and focusing on the meaning of the words (Carrel & Caroson, 1997). Grabe
and Stoller (2002) explained that extensive reading allows learners to encounter large quantities
of texts within their linguistic competence. Reading ability is enhanced by encountering copious
amounts of written material along with the effort made in reading (Robb & Susser, 1989).
Krashen’s Comprehension Hypothesis (2010), a combination of the Input Hypothesis and
the Goodman/Smith hypothesis, has been a strong support for the extensive reading method. The
Comprehension Hypothesis suggested that the bility to comprehend language and develop
literacy stems from an understanding of what is heard and read. Extensive reading is often linked
to Free Voluntary Reading (FVR) and Sustained Silent Reading (SSR), two approaches that
allow learners to self-select materials and encourage them to read more. Krashen has examined
FVR and SSR extensively, and his review (1993) of 41 L1 studies shows students with high print
exposure performing better in reading comprehension and vocabulary knowledge than those who
read less.
Another L1 study by Anderson, Wilson, and Fielding (1988) showed that students’
performance in reading comprehension, vocabulary, and reading speed is positively correlated to
the reading time and amount. Tests involving the three criterions were administered to 155 fifth
grader participants. Their scores from second grade and leisure time activities during the study
were collected to analyze the relationship between the amount of free reading and the growth in
reading achievement. The results showed that students who read more performed better on the
tests. McQuillan and Au (2001) also examined the connection between print exposure and L1
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A167]: The plural form is
“criteria.”
168
reading comprehension. Their study involved 24 high school students in a regular junior English
class. The Author Recognition Test (ART), Magazine Recognition Test (MRT), and the Nelson
Denny Reading Comprehension subtest were administered. The results suggested that reading
frequently was linked to higher reading proficiency.
The influence of reading quantity on first language development was also found in
Mandarin Chinese. Shu, Anderson, and Zhan (1995) conducted research on the incidental
learning of word meanings while reading. Questionnaires were given to the third- and fifth-grade
Chinese students to investigate the books they had read. The results of multiple choice tests on
Chinese vocabulary revealed that participants who read more after school learned more
unfamiliar words from context than those who did less reading. Moreover, another study relating
to Mandarin Chinese showed positive correlations between a group of Taiwanese high school
students’ reading amount and their performance on a Mandarin Chinese standardized writing test
(Lee, 1996; see also Krashen 2011).
Numerous studies suggested that extensive reading can also enhance foreign language
proficiency. Elley and Mangubhai (1983) conducted a three year experiment and found that
extensive reading can enhance elementary students’ English overall growth. The participants
involved Grade 4 to 6 students from 12 rural elementary schools. They were given 250 highinterest story books and were divided into two groups: an SSR group and a group that was
required to share what they read. After a 3-year treatment, the results showed that the students’
language skills, including reading, vocabulary, grammar, and writing, improved significantly
(see also Renandya, 2007).
With regard to vocabulary knowledge, studies of Horst (2005) and Soltani (2011)
suggested that reading extensively can expand one’s vocabulary considerably. Horst (2005) used
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A168]: Were there no group
differences?
169
electronic scanning, lexical frequency profiling, and an individualized checklist to test 21 adult
ESL learners’ vocabulary growth over 6 weeks. In total, 222 books were checked out during the
experiment. The result indicated that the learners were able to acquire more than half of the
unknown off-list words (18 of 35 = 51.43%). Soltani’s research (2011) found that among 40
upper- and 40 lower-intermediate learners, the experimental groups in both level scored higher
than the control groups on the given vocabulary test.
In addition, studies conducted by Mason and Krashen (1997), Hayashi (1999), Lee
(2007), and Yamashita (2008) have shown that the extensive reading method can improve
reading comprehension in addition to expanding vocabulary. Mason and Krashen’s study (1997)
included 3 subsidiary experiments with participants from a women’s university, a 4-year
university, and 2-year junior college. A 100-item cloze test was used in all the experiments and
an additional reading comprehension test was added to the third experiment. The results
indicated that the experimental group’s improvement in all the experiments was significantly
greater than that of the control group. Hayashi (1999) examined the improvement rate of 100
Japanese EFL university students after receiving extensive reading instruction for over nine
months. Participants’ scores in four subsidiary sections of the TOEFL were collected: Listening,
Structure and Writing, Vocabulary, and Reading Comprehension. The results indicated that the
number of pages read was positively correlated with all 4 sub-section scores. Compared to the
other sections, the reading comprehension section showed a stark positive relationship between
the two.
Lee (2007) conducted three consecutive studies where Taiwanese university students
engaged in SSR programs for 12 weeks (Study 1) or a year (Study 2 &3). The Nation
Vocabulary Test (1990), Mason’s cloze test (Mason and Krashen 1997), and the vocabulary
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A169]: Are you sure this
was an experiment? It seems quasiexperimental to me.
170
measurement by Schmitt (2000) were administered. The results from two studies indicated the
positive effects of extensive reading on reading comprehension and vocabulary. Yamashita
(2008) used a sample of 38 EFL students at a Japanese university. She employed a
placement/progress test (PPT) and extensive reading test (ERT) to assess participants’
improvement in vocabulary expansion and reading comprehension; the results were positive.
Improvement in reading speed and grammar were shown in the studies of Bell (2001) and
Pigada and Schmitt (2006). Bell’s study involved 26 elementary level adult EFL learners in the
Yemen Arab Republic. After a 2-semester extensive reading program, a reading speed test and a
reading comprehension exam were administered. The results suggested that extensive reading
enhanced the experimental group’s reading speed in addition to reading comprehension. Pigada
and Schmitt conducted a case study assessing a 27-year-old learner’s French proficiency after
participating in an extensive reading program. Data collection involved one-on-one interview
along with spelling, reading, and grammar tests. The results showed that the participant’s posttest score improved by 30% compared to the pre-test (12.9%).
Despite the positive outcomes of extensive reading reported in numerous studies,
Biancarosa and Snow (2006) noted that more than two-thirds of 13-year-olds are not daily
readers (see also Lee, 2011). Moreover, a report of the United States Department of Labor (2012)
showed that 15- to 19-year-olds read for an average of only 7 minutes per weekend day. Many
researchers were concerned that students lacked the motivation to read and therefore modified
their teaching instructions to increase reading engagement (e.g., Parr & Maguiness, 2005; Kelley
& Clausen-Grace, 2006; Trudel, 2007; Lee, 2011). These studies, however, did not address the
potential cause of the students’ low motivation.
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171
Arum and Roksa (2011) noted that factors such as parenting styles, teachers’ expectations,
course requirements, and hours spent studying influenced the students’ reading motivation.
Although these issues have been well documented in relation to general education, studies that
examined their influence on foreign language learners’ motivation remain few.
Studies have suggested that parents’ involvement in children’s reading experience may
have great influence on their reading habit and overall success (Ehri & Roberts 2006; Sukhram
& Hsu, 2012). During the childhood development, parents and children share a tremendous
amount of time together. Consequently, through various interactions with parents such as
storytelling, children may have a more incidental reading experience and develop foundational
reading skills. (Senechal and LeFevre 2002).
This parental influence has been affected by the increased purchases of electronic items,
such as iPods, iPads, laptops, video games, and televisions. Williams’ case study (2006) of 3
middle school students suggested that the amount of time children spend using electronics not
only is excessive, but also reduces reading time and interactions with their parents. One of the
Comment [A170]: No comma for
compound predicates.
participants, Judy, spent 4 hours a day using electronics in the first month of study. After the
time allocated to electronics was limited to 30 minutes per day, she began to spend time reading
and doing activities with her parents. Another study showed that the reading skills of children
who heavily watch TV religiously (average 117 minutes per day) were significantly lower than
that of children who do not watch TV as often. 85% of the 539 participants claimed that they
enjoyed using the Internet more than academic and recreational readings even though they
thought that recreational reading was important (Mokhtari, Reichard & Gardner, 2009).
With regard to teachers’ standards and course requirements, Arum and Roksa’s (2011)
study indicated that teachers do not have high expectations for their students and the amount of
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A171]: You cannot begin a
sentence with an Arabic numeral.
172
course work is limited, giving them no extrinsic motivation to study. The study showed that 50%
of 2,332 students reported that “they had not taken a single course during the prior semester that
required more than twenty pages of writing, and one-third had not taken one that required even
forty pages of reading per week” (p. 71). Teacher expectations and course requirements are
highly influential. Rosenthal and Jacobson (1968) noted that when teachers believed that their
students are capable of achieving at a certain level, teachers may act in different ways to
encourage their academic development (see also Rubie-Davies, 2010). When teachers hold
different expectations, the materials that they use and coursework given to students may also
vary. This teacher expectations effect has been well documented in numerous studies (Brophy,
1998; Kuklinski & Weinstein, 2000; Rubie-Davies, Hattie, Townsend, & Hamilton, 2007).
Comment [A172]: Excellent work
throughout. This is exactly the level of
effort I expected from you at the beginning
of class. I’m happy to see that you have
determined to work at the level of your
potential.
References
Grade = A
Anderson, R.C., Wilson, P.T. & Fielding, L.G. (1988). Growth in reading and how children
spend their time outside of school. Reading Research Quarterly, 23, 285–303.
Arum, R., & Roksa J. (2011). Academically adrift. The University of Chicago Press, Chicago. pp.
30, 71, 97, 118.
Bell, T. (2001). Extensive reading: Speed and comprehension. The Reading Matrix, 1(1).
Retrieved from http://www.readingmatrix.com/articles/bell/
Biancarosa, C., & Snow, C. E. (2006). Reading next—A vision for action and research in middle
and high school literacy: Areport to Carnegie Corporation of New York (2nd ed.).
Washington, DC: Alliance for Excellent Education.
Brophy, J. E. (1998). Instroduction. In J. E. Brophy (Ed.), Adcances in research on teaching (Vol.
7, pp. ix-xvii). Greenwich, CT: JAI Press.
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Carrell, P. L., & Carson, J. G. (1997). Extensive and intensive reading in an EAP setting. English
for Specific Purpose, 16(1), 47–64.
Elley, W. B. (1991). Acquiring literacy in a second language: The effect of book-based programs.
Language Learning, 41(3), 375–411.
Elley, W. B., & Mangubhai, F. (1983). The impact of reading on second language learning.
Reading Research Quarterly, 19, 53–67.
Ehri, L. C., & Roberts, T. (2006). The roots of learning to read and write: Acquisition of letters
and phonemic awareness. In D. K. Dickinson & S. B. Neuman (Eds). Handbook of early
literacy research (Vol. 2, pp. 113–131). New York, NY: Guilford Press.
Grabe, W., & Stoller, F. L. (2002). Teaching and researching reading. Harlow, UK: Longman.
Hayashi, K. (1999). Reading strategies and extensive reading in EFL classes. RELC Journal, 30,
114–132. doi: 10.1177/003368829903000207
Herrell, A. & Jordan, M. (2004). 50 strategies for teaching English language learners. Upper
Saddle River, NJ: Pearson.
Horst, M. (2005). Learning L2 vocabulary through extensive reading: A measurement study. The
Canadian Modern Language Review. 61(3), 355–382. doi: 10.1353/cml/2005.0018
Kelley, M., & Clausen-Grace, N. (2006). R5: The Sustained Silent Reading makeover that
transformed readers. Reading Teacher, 60(2), 148–156. doi:10.1598/ RT.60.2.5
Krashen, S. (1993). The power of reading. Englewood, CO: Libraries Unlimited.
Krashen, S. (2003), Explorations in Language Acquisition and Use, Portsmouth: NH:
Heinemann.
Krashen, S. (2004). The power of reading: Insights from the research. Westport, CT: Libraries
Unlimited.
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Krashen, S. (2010). The goodman/smith hypothesis, the input hypothesis, the comprehension
hypothesis, and the (even stronger) case for free voluntary reading. In Defying
convention, inventing the future in literacy research and practice: essays in tribute to Ken
and Yetta Goodman. P. Anders (ed) New York: Routledge. pp. 46–60. Retrieved from
http://www.sdkrashen.com/
Krashen, S. (2011). Free Voluntary Reading. Santa Barbara, CA: Libraries Unlimited.
Kuklinski, M. R., & Meinstein, R. S. (2000). Classroom and grade level differences in the
stability of teacher expectations and perceived differential treatment. Learning
Environments Reasearch, 3, 1–34
Lee S. Y. (1996). The relationship of free voluntary reading to writing proficiency and academic
achievement among Taiwanese senior high school students. Proceedings of the Fifth
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Lee S. Y. (2007). Revelations from three consecutive studies on extensive reading. RELC
Journal, 38, 150–170. doi: 10.1177/0033688207079730
Lee, V. (2011). Becoming the Reading Mentors Our Adolescents Deserve: Developing a
Successful Sustained Silent Reading Program. Journal of Adolescent & Adult Literacy,
55(3), 209-218. doi:10.1002/JAAL.00026
Mason, B., & Krashen, S. (1997). Extensive reading in English as a foreign language. System: An
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Retrieved from http://www.sciencedirect.com/
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Psychology, 22(3), 225–248. doi: 10.1080/027027101753170638
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Mokhtari, K.,& Reichard, C. A., Gardner, A. (2009). The impact of internet and television use on
the reading habits and practices of college students. Journal of Adolescent & Adult
Literacy, 52(7), 609–618. doi: 10.1598/JAAL.52.7.6
Parr, J. M., & Maguiness, C. (2005). Removing the silent from SSR: Voluntary reading as social
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Pigada, M., & Schmitt, N. (2006). Vocabulary acquisition from extensive reading: A case study.
Reading in a Foreign Language, 18. Retrieved from http://nflrc.hawaii.
edu/rfl/april2006/pigada/pigada.pdf.
Renandya, W. A. (2007). The power of extensive reading. RELC Journal, 38, 133–149.
doi:10.1177/0033688207079578
Renandya, W. A., &Jacobs, G. M. (2001). Extensive reading: Why aren’t we all doing it? In J.C.
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Rubie-Davies, C. M., Hattie, J, Townsend, M. A. R., & Hamilton, R. J. (2007). Aiming high:
teachers and their students. In V. N. Galwye (Ed.), Progress in educational psychology
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Shu, H., Anderson, R. C., & Zhang, H. (1995). Incidental learning of word meanings while
reading: A Chinese and American cross-cultural study. Reading Research Quarterly,
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Yamashita, J. (2008). Extensive reading and development of different aspects of L2 proficiency.
System: An International Journal of Educational Technology and Applied Linguistics,
36(4), 661–672.
Analysis
Although we find several minor errors in this’s paper, the level of detail he provided
effectively compensates. Harder to ignore is the fact that the last two paragraphs do not appear to
be on point. The literature review deals with extensive reading, whereas the last two paragraphs
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summarize research into time spent studying and teacher expectations, respectively. The link
between reading and these other topics is “motivation,” but the student did not examine
motivation sufficiently for the link to work effectively.
Thus, even though the professor gave the paper an A, there is a lack of focus that detracts
from the overall quality of the work. In addition, the literature review would have benefitted
significantly had the student examined the research on the factors that lead some students to
engage in extensive reading. Likewise, it would have benefitted had he examined the research on
why the amount of reading students do has dropped precipitously over the past 50 years. When
we consider what the student did not include in his literature review, the professor’s grade seems
generous.
Kei Mukumoto
Effects of Teachers’ Feedback and Interpersonal Behavior on L2 Motivation (final, no initial
drafts were submitted)
Over the past several decades, massive immigration has increased the number of nonEnglish-speaking-background (NESB) students in American schools. The related educational
challenges are significant, and various scholars have investigated the role of teachers in
facilitating NESB students’ rapid English acquisition/learning. Numerous studies (e.g., Masgoret
& Gardner, 2003; Hernandez, 2008; Ghapanchi, Khajavy, & Asadpour, 2011; Sparks, Richard L.,
Jon Patton, Leonore Ganschow, & Nancy Humbach, 2009, 2011) have identified motivation as a
primary affective variable in second language (L2) proficiency, suggesting that enhancing
students’ motivation should be a focal task of L2 teachers. Dornyei (2005) stated that teachers
are an important part of the learning environment because they can promote students’ motivation
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for L2 achievement; however, the role of teacher feedback and interpersonal teacher behavior
(ITB) in the L2 classroom has not been clearly understood.
Teacher Feedback and Student Motivation
Teacher feedback helps students recognize the discrepancy between their actual and
desired performance, and it affects their motivational conditions and subsequent goal setting
(Duijnhouwer, Prins, & Stokking, 2012; Krenn, Wurth, & Hergovich, 2013). A common
assumption regarding the relation between feedback and motivation has been that positive
feedback can motivate an individual more effectively than negative feedback because it increases
one’s self-efficacy and expectation for success (Fishbach, Eyal, & Frinkelstein, 2010). Indeed,
many studies (e.g., Ilies & Judge, 2005; Tolli & Schmidt, 2008; Ilies, Judge, & Wagner, 2010)
have reported that positive feedback motivates individuals to raise their goal standards, whereas
negative feedback motivates them to lower their standards or avoid pursuing their initial goals.
Higgins’s regulatory-focus theory (1997), however, suggests that the effectiveness of
positive feedback is not decisive but depends on circumstances. Higgins identified two
fundamental human self-regulatory dimensions: a promotion focus, which involves motivation to
pursue rewards, and a prevention focus, which involves motivation to avoid loss. He proposed
that one would become motivated when one’s regulation focus was congruent with the type of
outcome (i.e., positive or negative). Van Dijk and Kluger (2004) were the first to examine
whether these regulatory foci interacted with positive and negative feedback. The results were
consistent with Higgins’s idea of congruency showing that people were more motivated by
negative feedback under a prevention focus (i.e., avoiding losing a job), whereas they were more
motivated by positive feedback under a promotion focus (i.e., advancing in a job).
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Comment [A173]: Nice summary.
179
Differences in goal orientation can also affect feedback effectiveness in enhancing
people’s motivation. The two types of goal orientation are learning goals, which aim to develop
new skills maximizing one’s learning through mistakes, and performance goals, which aim to
demonstrate one’s ability by minimizing errors. Cianci, Schaubroeck, and McGill (2010)
examined whether positive or negative feedback improved students’ performance in a learninggoal condition and a performance-goal condition. The results showed that positive feedback was
more effective for performance goals, whereas negative feedback was more effective for learning
goals, suggesting that feedback efficacy was subject to students’ goal orientations.
Koo and Fishbach (2009) found that the effectiveness of positive and negative feedback
also depended on students’ degree of commitment. The researchers examined whether “to-date”
and “to-go” feedback motivated students differently as they studied for a core-course exam (a
high-commitment condition) and an elective-course exam (a low-commitment condition) (p.
185). The to-date feedback included positive comments on what the students had accomplished,
whereas the to-go feedback included negative comments on what they had not accomplished.
The results showed that the to-date feedback was more effective for the elective-course exam but
that the to-go feedback was more effective for the core-course exam, suggesting that when
students were highly committed to a task, negative feedback motivated them more effectively
than positive feedback.
Furthermore, Tanaka (2001) reported that the degree of initial interest in performing a
task affected students’ motivation. She showed that only students with low interest increased
motivation after receiving positive feedback. These results are consistent with Koo and
Fishbach’s findings (2009) that positive feedback was effective only when students had a low
commitment to a task. In addition, Tanaka noted that even though students with high interest
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received positive feedback, their motivation for subsequent performance increased only when the
task was valued by their feedback providers.
In addition to self-regulatory foci, goal commitment, and interest levels, self-efficacy (SE)
is another important mediator of students’ motivational response to feedback. Narciss (2004)
investigated the effect of informative tutoring feedback (ITF) on students’ motivation for
performing a cognitive task. The ITF included error detection and detailed improvement
strategies, suggesting that it demonstrated higher standards for students and demanded that they
perform more challenging tasks. Narciss found that the ITF was positively correlated with
motivation and achievement only when the students had high SE. The results are consistent with
Bandura’s statement (1991) that people with high SE are more likely to pursue higher goals and
perform better than those with low SE (also see Vancouver & Kendall, 2006; Vancouver, More,
& Yoder, 2008). Therefore, SE levels can influence the effectiveness of positive and negative
feedback and student motivation.
Interpersonal Teacher Behaviors and Student Motivation
Teachers’ sense of efficacy plays a crucial role in enhancing students’ achievement
motivation. Ashton, Webb, and Doda (1983) proposed a hierarchical model of teacher efficacy,
which includes two dimensions: teaching efficacy, a teacher’s belief about students’ learning
abilities, and personal efficacy, a teacher’s belief about his or her own teaching ability. This
model suggests that high-efficacy teachers believe that their teaching will motivate students.
Ashton et al. stated that the integration of teaching and personal efficacy was the best predictor
of interpersonal teacher behavior (ITB). Indeed, Gibson and Dembo (1984) reported that a highefficacy teacher communicated higher expectation to students and persisted until they responded
with correct answers. Also, Midgley, Feidlaufer, and Eccles (1989) showed that students who
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had high-efficacy teachers experienced higher expectation for their academic success and
perceived the course task as less difficult than those who had low-efficacy teachers.
As noted in previous studies (e.g., Gibson & Dembo, 1984; Midgley, Feidlaufer, &
Eccles, 1989), high-efficacy teachers demonstrated positive ITB to motivate their students.
Numerous studies (e.g., Wentzel, 1997; Den Brok, Levy, Brekelmans, & Wubbels, 2005;
Lapointe, Legault, & Batiste, 2005; Patrick, Ryan, & Kaplan, 2007; Maulana, Opdenakker, Den
Brok, & Bosker, 2011) have shown that positive ITB, such as cooperation, support, and a caring
attitude, was strongly associated with students’ motivation as well as their achievement. Wubbels,
Creton, and Hooymayers (1985) proposed the ITB model identifying two dimensions of a
teacher-student interpersonal relationship: Proximity, indicating the degree of teacher’s
cooperative behavior, and Influence, indicating the degree of teacher’s dominance demonstrated
to students. Depending on the proportion of each dimension, the ITB can be labeled as
Leadership, Helpful/Friendly, Understanding, Student Freedom, Dissatisfied, Admonishing, or
Strict (see Figure 1).
Den Brok et al. (2005) were the first to examine the relation between the two ITB
dimensions and students’ subject-specific motivation in the L2 learning setting. They recruited a
sample of 52 secondary school Dutch students who studied English as a foreign language (EFL)
and measured 4 elements of the students’ EFL motivation: the joy of studying the subject
(pleasure), the willingness to invest in the subject (effort), self-efficacy gained through studying
the subject (confidence), and a practical use of the subject outside the classroom (relevance). The
researchers found that both Proximity and Influence had a positive effect on the students’ 4
motivational factors although Proximity was more strongly correlated with student motivation
than Influence was (also see Lapointe, Legault, & Batiste, 2005). In contrast, Den Brok, Van
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Tartwijk, Wubbels, and Veldman (2010) showed that Proximity was positively associated with
Dutch students’ learning attitudes but that Influence was negatively associated with their
achievement, suggesting that high Influence might have a harmful effect on students’ learning.
Maulana et al. (2011), however, in a study of 1,900 Indonesian secondary school students
who were in either an EFL or a mathematics class, reported conflicting results; Influence was
more strongly correlated with student motivation than was Proximity. The researchers explained
the incongruence with previous studies on the basis of cultural differences. They recruited
participants from an Asian country (i.e., Indonesia) whereas Den Brok et al. (2005) used a
sample from a Western country (i.e., Netherlands). Hofstede (1991) proposed the idea of power
distance, an unequal distribution of power present in Asian culture. The value of power distance
Comment [A174]: On the previous
page, as here, you provide information
regarding methods and participants. I would
recommend that you do more of that in the
early pages, where you tend to report only
results.
suggests that, in school classroom, teachers are associated with more powerful, authoritative
figures who demonstrate great influence over students (Den Brok, Levy, Rodriguez, & Wubbels,
2002; Den Brok, Levy, Wubbels, & Rodriguez, 2003). Indeed, various studies (e.g., Den Brok et
al., 2002; Evans & Fisher, 2000) found that Asian students perceived their teachers more
positively, giving them higher scores on leadership behavior (high Influence) than did white
students, suggesting that the ITB with high Influence had a stronger positive effect on Asian
students’ motivation than it did on white students’ motivation.
Rationale
Although many researchers have shown that both teacher feedback and the ITB have a
considerable effect on students’ motivation, Noels (2003) was one of a few scholars who
examined the interplay of all three variables (i.e., feedback, ITB, and motivation) in the L2
classroom setting. She reported that a L2 teacher’s compassionate, encouraging feedback and
autonomy-supportive ITB as well as positive feedback enhanced students’ intrinsic L2
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Comment [A175]: How?
183
motivation. Based on her findings, she suggested that negative feedback and dominant ITB can
undermine intrinsic motivation; however this assumption has not been empirically examined.
Therefore, investigating effects of positive or negative feedback and different ITB types (i.e.,
high/low Proximity and high/low Influence) on L2 motivation appears worthwhile.
Like Noels (2003), Pat El, Tilema, and Van Koppen (2012) also studied relations among
the three variables by examining whether ITB influenced the effect of formative feedback on
students’ intrinsic motivation; however, their study was the first to compare the results between
different ethnic groups (i.e., 362 Dutch students and 196 Moroccan/Turkish immigrant students).
The 28-item Student Assessment for Learning Questionnaire was administered to measure the
students’ evaluations of teachers’ formative feedback, which consisted of monitoring (i.e., how a
teacher informed students’ current status of progress) and scaffolding (i.e., how a teacher
provided advice for improvement). The results showed that regardless of ethnicity, student
motivation exhibited a strong correlation with teacher feedback and the ITB with high Proximity.
Pat El et al. also found that students’ perception of feedback was correlated with their perception
of ITB, suggesting that high Proximity enhanced the effectiveness of formative feedback. These
findings are consistent with previous studies (e.g., Noels, 2003; Den Brok et al., 2005; Lapointe,
Legault, & Batiste, 2005; Den Brok et al., 2010).
Pat El, Tilema, and Van Koppen’s study (2012) showed that the ITB with high Proximity
positively affected teacher feedback efficacy and student motivation regardless of ethnicity.
However, the sample included only European and African students; therefore, whether the same
was true for Asian students has not been examined. Because Asian cultures value the power
distance between a teacher and a student, the ITB with high Influence might have a more
positive effect on Asian students than on American or European students. Therefore, examining
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the difference between Asian and Western cultures concerning how Proximity and Influence
affect student motivation would be valuable.
The Proposed Study
The proposed study will examine whether degrees of ITB Proximity and Influence would
affect the effectiveness of positive or negative teacher feedback on students’ L2 motivation.
Previous research has shown that feedback efficacy depends on degrees of one’s goal
commitment, initial interest, and self-efficacy level; however, no study has considered the effect
of Proximity or Influence as a mediator of one’s motivational response to teacher feedback. Also,
the proposed study will be the first to investigate this issue in the L2 classroom and compare
students from Asian and Western cultures. The culture of power distance might influence Asian
students’ motivation when they have teachers with high Influence.
Comment [A176]: Good work overall.
You can strengthen the literature review by
doing more with regard to methods. In all
but a few instances, you report only results,
failing to state anything about methods or
participants.
References
Grade = A
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Figure 1
(Wubbels & Levy, 1993)
Analysis
Although it may not be apparent from casually reading this proposal, Kei is a nonnative
English speaker. This fact is important because, as discussed previously, we find a widely held
perception among teachers that NESB students are incapable of producing writing that is
essentially indistinguishable from that of native English speakers. What, then, is the key to
NESB success?
I would argue that there are three factors. The first is that the teacher must have high
expectations for all students, even those for whom English is a second or third language. The
second is that the teacher must provide the instructional support necessary for NESB students to
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gain mastery of English’s many nuances. The third is that the teacher must insist that students
produce draft after draft until students are fully aware of the nature of their errors and how to
correct them. When these factors are embedded in instruction, NESB students who invest the
effort necessary can indeed produce writing that is indistinguishable from that of native English
speakers.
Another factor to consider in Kei’s paper is the amount of information she provided. Her
list of references is comprehensive, just what we should expect in a literature review. Moreover,
Kei used the literature as the foundation for her rationale, which arguably is one of the more
significant challenges for undergraduates.
Assignment 4
Your final assignment is a research proposal. Note that the purpose of a proposal is to
obtain permission or funding for a specific project. In the social and behavior sciences, proposals
follow a conventional format that incudes a title page, an abstract (often optional for proposals),
a literature review, a methods section, a section on anticipated results, and a discussion of the
potential significance of the proposed study.
Your literature review should be the work you completed for Assignment 3, with the
following modifications:
1. Your review must include not only a rationale for the study but also a theoretical
framework. (The theoretical framework is important because it serves as an interpretive
filter for anticipated results.)
2. Your review must also include a section (with a level-2 heading) for “The Present Study”
that describes the research design and that provides a statement of hypothesis(es).
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Your methods section (level-1 heading) must describe in concrete terms the methods you
plan to use to conduct the study. Typically, you will describe subject demographics, and datacollection instruments, and any procedures for analyzing data.
You must provide an “Anticipated Results” section (level-1 heading) that discusses
anticipated results.
The discussion section (level-1 heading) at the end of the proposal should explain the
potential significance of the research. Obviously, a study without potential significant will not be
approved or funded, so this is an important part of the whole proposal.
Please note that your proposal should be feasible. Also, it should be a minimum of 8
pages, excluding references, and should follow APA guidelines. Successful papers will be clear,
free of structural and formatting errors, creative, and interesting.
Analysis
Assignment 4 follows naturally from Assignment 3, allowing students to build on
previously completed work. This sort of assignment scaffolding has been found to be an
important factor in students’ learning and success, yet we simply do not find it very often in
writing classes at either the secondary or undergraduate level. Although the assignment is
detailed, it is obvious that the professor provided significant related information in class. The
references to heading levels is indicative.
Although it may appear that this assignment requires considerable work, when we
consider that students have already completed the literature review and that there are no actual
data to analyze or interpret, we see that it does not involve a great amount of work at all. Even so,
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it provides students with an opportunity to engage in the kind of writing that is common in the
social and behavior sciences.
Kei Mukumoto (junior)
The Role of Interpersonal Teacher Behavior in Improving Feedback Effectiveness
Abstract
Teachers’ feedback and classroom behaviors are an important part of students’ learning
environment as they contribute to motivational dynamics. The proposed study will examine
whether teachers’ interpersonal behaviors affect feedback effectiveness in motivating students in
the L2 classroom. The participants will include international Asian and domestic American
undergraduate students to compare the results between the two cultural groups. Anticipated
results will show that teachers’ cooperative behaviors are positively correlated with student
motivation regardless of feedback types and students’ cultural backgrounds. Also, the culture of
power distance will allow international Asian participants to be more motivated after receiving
feedback from teachers who demonstrate high dominance than domestic American participants
will be. The potential significance and implication for teachers will be discussed.
The Role of Interpersonal Teacher Behavior in Improving Feedback Effectiveness
Over the past several decades, massive immigration has increased the number of nonEnglish-speaking-background (NESB) students in American schools. The related educational
challenges are significant, and various scholars have investigated the role of teachers in
facilitating NESB students’ rapid English acquisition/learning. Dornyei (2005) stated that
teachers are a primary part of the second language (L2) learning environment, which influences
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students’ L2 motivation; therefore, understanding the role of teachers’ feedback and their
interpersonal behaviors in the L2 classroom is important.
Teacher feedback helps students recognize the discrepancy between their actual and
desired performance, and it affects motivational conditions and subsequent goal setting
(Duijnhouwer, Prins, & Stokking, 2012; Krenn, Wurth, & Hergovich, 2013). A common
assumption regarding the relation between feedback and motivation has been that positive
feedback (PF) can motivate an individual more effectively than negative feedback (NF) because
it increases one’s self-efficacy and expectation for success (Fishbach, Eyal, & Frinkelstein,
2010). Indeed, many studies (e.g., Ilies & Judge, 2005; Tolli & Schmidt, 2008; Ilies, Judge, &
Wagner, 2010) have reported that PF motivated individuals to raise their goal standards, whereas
NF motivated them to lower their standards or avoid pursuing their initial goals.
Higgins (1997), however, suggested that PF/NF effectiveness depended on one’s selfregulatory focus: either a promotion focus, which involves motivation to pursue rewards, or a
prevention focus, which involves motivation to avoid loss. Drawing on Higgins’s self-regulatory
focus theory, Van Dijk and Kluger (2004) investigated whether these two foci interacted with PF
and NF. The sample included 88 working students in their 30s and 40s and 43 undergraduate
college students. The participants were asked to imagine that they were working at a job and
were given feedback by their supervisors on their task performance. The questionnaire included
one of the 4 scenarios manipulating regulatory focus (i.e., prevention or promotion) and feedback
types (i.e., positive or negative). To measure motivation, the participants were asked how much
effort they would invest in the next task relative to their previous effort. The results showed that
the participants were more motivated by NF under a prevention focus (i.e., avoiding losing a job),
whereas they were more motivated by PF under a promotion focus (i.e., advancing in a job).
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Van Dijk and Kluger’s (2004) study suggests that associating PF with increased
motivation and NF with decreased motivation is not decisive but can be subject to various
learning factors. Indeed, previous studies have shown that feedback effectiveness depended on
students’ goal orientations (Cianci, Schaubroeck, & McGill, 2010), degree of commitment, or
initial interest (Koo & Fishbach, 2009; Tanaka, 2001), and self-efficacy (Narciss, 2004).
Although these findings convey a significant implication for students, whether teachers or
feedback providers can influence PF/NF effectiveness has not been clearly understood.
Interpersonal teacher behavior (ITB) is a possible teacher-related factor that can affect
feedback effectiveness in motivating students. Numerous studies (e.g., Wentzel, 1997; Den Brok,
Levy, Brekelmans, & Wubbels, 2005; Lapointe, Legault, & Batiste, 2005; Patrick, Ryan, &
Kaplan, 2007; Maulana, Opdenakker, Den Brok, & Bosker, 2011) have shown that teachers’
positive classroom behaviors, including cooperation, support, and a caring attitude, were strongly
associated with students’ motivation as well as their achievement. Wubbels, Creton, and
Hooymayers (1985) proposed the ITB model identifying two dimensions of a teacher-student
interpersonal relationship: Proximity, indicating the degree of teacher’s cooperative behavior,
and Influence, indicating the degree of teacher’s dominance demonstrated to students.
Depending on the proportion of each dimension, the ITB can be labeled as Leadership,
Helpful/Friendly, Understanding, Student Freedom, Dissatisfied, Admonishing, or Strict (see
Figure 1).
Den Brok et al. (2005) were among the first researchers to examine the relation between
the two ITB dimensions (i.e., Proximity and Influence) and students’ L2 motivation. Their
sample was 52 secondary school Dutch students who studied English as a foreign language
(EFL). The results showed that although both Proximity and Influence were positively correlated
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with student motivation, Proximity was more strongly correlated than was Influence (also see
Lapointe, Legault, & Batiste, 2005). Maulana et al. (2011), however, in a study of 1,900
Indonesian secondary students who were in either an EFL or a mathematics class, reported
conflicting results. The researchers found that Influence was more strongly correlated with
motivation than was Proximity.
Difference in samples’ nationalities might explain the incongruence of the results
presented by Den Brok et al. (2005) and Maulana et al. (2011). Whereas Den Brok et al.’s
sample was from the Netherlands, Maulana et al.’s sample was from Indonesia. Hofstede’s (1991)
idea of power distance, an unequal distribution of power present in Asian societies, suggests that
teachers are associated with more powerful, authoritative figures who demonstrate great
influence over students (Den Brok, Levy, Rodriguez, & Wubbels, 2002; Den Brok, Levy,
Wubbels, & Rodriguez, 2003). Indeed, various studies (e.g., Den Brok et al., 2002; Evans &
Fisher, 2000) found that Asian students gave higher scores on teachers’ leadership behaviors (i.e.,
high Influence) than did white students, suggesting that the ITB with high Influence might have a
stronger positive effect on Asian students’ L2 motivation than it does on white students’
motivation.
Comparing different ethnic groups (362 Dutch students and 196 Moroccan and Turkish
immigrant students), Pat El, Tilema, and Van Koppen (2012) were the first to examine the
interplay of ITB, teacher feedback, and student motivation. Student-perceived ITB was measured
with the Questionnaire on Interactional Teacher Behavior. Students’ perceptions of teacher
feedback were assessed with degrees of monitoring (information about current progress) and
scaffolding (advice for improvement); motivation was assessed as intrinsic motivation and 3
motivational needs (i.e., competence, autonomy, and relatedness). The results showed that
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regardless of ethnicity, ITB Proximity was positively correlated with students’ motivation and
that ITB perceptions were strongly correlated with their feedback perceptions. The researchers
suggested that ITB with high Proximity might have improved students’ feedback perceptions and
consequently increased their motivation.
The Proposed Study
The proposed study will examine whether degrees of ITB Proximity and Influence affect
PF/NF effectiveness in motivating students in the L2 classroom. Although various studies (e.g.,
Den Brok et al., 2005; Lapointe, Legault, & Batiste, 2005; Maulana et al., 2011) have
investigated the relation between ITB and student motivation, none of them has examined how
ITB influences L2 motivation after receiving feedback. Also, the proposed study will be the first
to investigate whether ITB Influence motivates international Asian and domestic American
students differently because they have been exposed to culturally different educational
environments. Den Brok et al.’s (2005) study, which used the sample of Dutch students, and
Maulana et al.’s (2011) study, which used the sample of Indonesian students, presented
conflicting results concerning the relation between ITB Influence and student motivation;
however, the difference in the two cultural groups has not been empirically examined. On this
account, the study hypotheses are:
1. After receiving feedback, students whose teachers have high Proximity will experience
increased L2 motivation more than those whose teachers have low Proximity.
2. International Asian students will be more motivated than domestic American students
after receiving feedback from teachers who have high Influence.
Proposed Methods
Participants
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review.
198
Three hundred undergraduate students (150 international Asians and 150 domestic
Americans) who are currently enrolled in a foreign language course will be randomly selected
for the study. Asian participants will be recruited from the international Asian student population,
and American participants will be recruited from domestic American students who have received
formal education from elementary through high school in the United States. The participants may
have studied L2 for different amount of time, and therefore their L2 proficiency levels may vary.
Instruments
ITB Proximity and Influence will be evaluated with the Questionnaire on Teacher
Interaction (QTI) developed by Brekelmans, Wubbels, and Creton (1990). Many previous studies
(e.g., Den Brok, Van Tartwijk, Wubbels, & Veldman, 2010; Den Brok, Levy, Brekelmans, &
Wubbels, 2005; Den Brok et al., 2002) have used the QTI to measure ITB. The proposed study
will use the 48-item version of the QTI, which has been confirmed as cross-culturally reliable
(Fisher, Fraser, & Cresswell, 1995). Motivation will be measured with a 1-item question asking
how much effort they would invest in the next assignment relative to their previous effort (Van
Dijk & Kluger, 2004). They will rate the degree of their future effort on an 11-point scale (5=much less, 0=about the same, 5=much more). The change in intention to exert effort indicates
motivational dynamics, and therefore this measurement will be used to assess feedback
effectiveness.
Procedure
The first part of the questionnaire will ask the participants to fill out the QTI to assess
their interpersonal relationships with their L2 professors. Afterwards, they will be randomly
assigned to 3 feedback conditions: receiving only PF, only NF, or the combination of NF and
positive encouragement (NF + encouragement). Each condition will have 100 participants,
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including an equal number of international Asian and domestic American students. The
questionnaire will be structured in a similar manner to Van Dijk and Kluger’s (2004) study but
will be modified for the L2 learning setting. The participants will be asked to imagine that they
receive either positive or negative comments on their L2 composition assignments from their L2
professors. The following feedback scripts will be used for each group:
1. The PF group — “You did an excellent job on the assignment. Your composition was
carefully written, conveying important points on this topic. Your work shows that you
have a good understanding of the material.”
2. The NF group — “You did a poor job on the assignment. You did not make enough effort.
I recommend that you study the material harder and get some help from the tutor or come
see me during my office hours.”
3. The NF + encouragement group — “You did a poor job on the assignment. You did not
make enough effort. I believe that you are capable of accomplishing challenging tasks, so
I recommend that you study the material harder and get some help from the tutor or come
see me during my office hours.”
After reading these comments, they will be asked to rate their willingness to invest effort on the
11-pont scale.
Data analysis
Based on the collected QTI scores, degrees of ITB Proximity and Influence will be
assessed for each participant’s L2 professor. The collected responses to the 1-item motivation
questionnaire will be divided into 3 sets of data according to the feedback condition (PF, NF, and
NF + encouragement). For each feedback group, a statistical significance test will be conducted
to examine the correlation between the degree of Proximity/Influence and motivation. To test the
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hypothesis that culture influences students’ ITB perceptions, only the degree of Influence will be
considered. Separate data sets for international Asian and domestic American participants will be
created, each of which will be sorted by the feedback condition. The correlation between the
degree of Influence and motivation will be examined for these 6 data sets (2 nationalities x 3
Comment [A178]: Excellent.
feedback conditions).
Anticipated Results
The proposed study anticipates that results will confirm the hypotheses. Pat El, Tilema,
and Van Koppen (2012) reported that students’ ITB perceptions were positively correlated with
their feedback perceptions, suggesting that positive ITB might allow students to accept NF with
a more positive attitude. Therefore, the results will show that regardless of feedback condition,
students whose teachers have high Proximity will experience increased motivation for future
performance significantly more than those whose teachers have low Proximity.
Considering the culture of power distance proposed by Hofstede (1991), international
Asian students are anticipated to have more positive motivational reactions to teachers who
demonstrate high Influence than domestic American students do. Therefore, international Asian
students will become more motivated than domestic American students after receiving feedback
from a teacher with high Influence. Also, international Asian students whose teachers have high
Influence will become more motivated than those whose teachers have low Influence, but the
opposite will be true for domestic American students.
Discussion of Potential Significance
The anticipated results will show that high ITB Proximity enhances PF/NF effectiveness,
suggesting that teachers can play an active role in motivating students by demonstrating positive
ITB. These findings would be valuable for teachers to improve not only their teaching but also
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communication styles. Also, based on the proposed study, educational institutions for teacher
training could encourage prospective teachers to develop ITB that can effectively motivate
students. The improved quality of teachers’ classroom behaviors and feedback provision will
most likely contribute to student motivation.
In addition, because the proposed study will be conducted in the L2 learning setting, the
implication for immigrant NESB students is significant. Improving feedback effectiveness
through positive ITB would increase their L2 motivation, which might allow them to achieve
higher L2 proficiency more efficiently. Indeed, numerous studies (e.g., Masgoret & Gardner,
2003; Hernandez, 2008; Ghapanchi, Khajavy, & Asadpour, 2011; Sparks, Richard L., Jon Patton,
Leonore Ganschow, & Nancy Humbach, 2009, 2011) have shown that motivation was a primary
affective variable in L2 proficiency. For example, Sparks et al. (2011) found that correlations
between L2 motivation and L2 proficiency measures, including reading comprehension, writing,
listening/speaking, word recognition, and L2 total proficiency, were statistically significant (also
see Sparks et al., 2009).
Some teachers avoid providing NF because they believe that it diminishes students’ selfefficacy and therefore has a harmful effect on motivation. However, NF gives students an
opportunity to improve their skills and therefore should be actively used as a teaching tool. The
proposed study will hopefully suggest that NF can motivate students as effectively as PF if a
teacher demonstrates positive ITB.
References
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Comment [A179]: Excellent work all
the way from start to finish. The literature
review is so good that any anonymous
reader would think that it came from a
published article. You have developed into
a fine writer. You are not only well
prepared for your capstone but also for
graduate work, should you decide to
continue on after next year. I’ve enjoyed
working with you over the last two years.
Grade = A
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Figure 1
(Wubbels & Levy, 1993)
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Analysis
Here we get to see how Hiromi developed her literature review from Assignment 3 into a
full proposal. Note that there are very few marginal comments from her teacher. The reason
is that when a student submits an excellent paper, there really is not much to provide in the
way of comments.
What is impressive is how well Hiromi has mastered the writing conventions, the
language, and the ways of knowing that characterize the field. At this level of performance,
she is ready to continue work in education and psychology. In addition, we should keep in
mind that Hiromi is not a native speaker of English.
Tiffany Haraguchi (junior)
Research Proposal:
Ego-Depletion: External Validity of the Strength Model
Self-control has been a popular subject of psychological research; it is not only an
important function that shapes human development but also is a significant factor regarding
quality of life (QOL) (Mischel, Shoda, & Peake, 1988). A longitudinal study by Mischel et al.
(1988) observed that preschoolers who were able to resist the temptation to eat a marshmallow
expressed more positive adolescent behaviors a decade later. In Mischel’s (1973) earlier study,
some preschoolers were able to practice self-control by choosing to wait 15 minutes for two
marshmallows, whereas some could not endure the wait and chose to eat one marshmallow right
away. Based on observation data collected from parents, Mischel et al. found that preschoolers
who demonstrated higher self-control had higher cognitive skills, such as verbal, reasoning, and
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planning ability in their adolescence. These teenagers also displayed positive traits, such as
active engagement in school activities, secure relationships with friends, eagerness toward
academics, and the ability to deal effectively with stress. Mischel et al.’s findings suggested that
preschoolers’ ability to practice self-control predicted adolescents’ social and academic success.
This implication of self-regulation’s possible significance related to life success influenced
psychologists to explore the mechanism of self-control.
While Mischel and his colleagues focused on research concerning correlation between
self-control ability and other positive behaviors (1973; 1988), other psychologists explored the
relation between self-control and personality. Gallagher, Fleeson, and Hoyle (2011) indicated
that the degree of a self-control task’s (behavioral inhibition) difficulty reported by participants
was associated with their personality type. Extraverted and introverted individuals found
different tasks more tiring. Extraverted individuals found inhibiting emotions as more difficult,
whereas introverted individuals found expressing emotions more difficult. Overall, however,
literature of executive function of self-regulation has remained vague and scattered. For instance,
relating to self-control process, three major competing models of self-control were: (1) the skill
model, which viewed self-regulation as a skill individuals developed over time (2) the schema
model, which viewed self-control as a knowledge structure; and (3) the strength model, which
viewed self-regulation as a form of energy that could deplete with use. Although researchers
engaged in different studies concerning self-regulation, the varying models of self-control had
been a topic of debate.
Ego-Depletion and The Strength Model
Baumeister, Bratslavsky, Muraven, and Tice (1998) hypothesized that self-regulation
works like energy and supported the strength model in their study, introducing ego-depletion.
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Comment [A180]: Very interesting.
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Their study of self-control has been supported by multiple scholars (e.g., Muraven et al., 1998;
Muraven & Baumeister, 2000; Schmeischel et al., 2003; Muraven et al., 2006; Hagger et al.,
2010). They reported that self-control may be a limited resource, providing new and distinct
support for the strength model of self-control. Their hypothesis was that if participants practiced
self-control in the initial impulse-control task, then their capacity to practice self-control in the
subsequent task would decline.
In the first task, 67 undergraduate participants (31 male, 36 female) were asked to fast for
three hours before being sorted into three condition groups. Group 1 was then asked to eat a plate
of white and red radishes in the presence of freshly baked chocolate-chip cookies. Group 2 ate
chocolate-chip cookies in the presence of radishes. Group 3, the control group, did not
experience any food condition and consumed nothing. In the second task, after completing
questionnaires rating their mood and dieting status, participants were then asked to take a
problem-solving ability test, which was actually an unsolvable puzzle and the main dependent
variable. The degree of the participants’ engagement in the second task was recorded. The
participants were given the choice of attempting to solve the test as many times as they wanted
or quitting any time within the 30-minute time limit.
The results showed that Group 1 participants quit working on the puzzle twice as fast as
Group 2 and 3 participants. These individuals also reported being more tired after the first task.
The radish study by Baumeister et al. (1998; Muraven & Baumeister, 2000; Baumeister, 2002)
supported the strength model of self-control. They also conducted three other similar studies, in
which they observed the self-control depletion effect using different variables, such as making
important decisions and suppressing emotions while watching a comical TV show. The overall
result supported their hypothesis, and researchers also found that seemingly different tasks
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required the use of the same finite resource. Baumeister et al. labeled this depletion of the active
self as “ego-depletion” (p. 1253), interchangeable with self-control depletion or self-regulation
Comment [A181]: These strike me as
better terms.
depletion.
Muraven, Tice, and Baumeister (1998) conducted a replication study using different
independent variables, such as participant’s emotional regulation in response to an upsetting film
and the suppression of forbidden thoughts. They found supporting data for the ego-depletion
strength model, as undergraduate participants’ physical stamina and engagement decreased in the
anagram exercise afterward. Baumeister et al.’s (1998) and Muraven et al.’s (1998) studies
became the pioneering academic works on ego-depletion. They concluded that self-regulation
indeed works like a “muscle” (Muraven & Baumeister, 2000, p. 247).
Subsequent Studies
Numerous subsequent studies found further support using different variables (Muraven,
Shmueli, Burkley, 2006; Hagger, Wood, Stiff, and Chatzisarantis, 2010). Schmeischel, Vohs,
and Baumeister (2003) found that a ego-depleting task (regulating attention and emotion) also
influenced undergraduate participants’ cognitive abilities, including performance on Graduate
Record Examination (GRE) questions. In another study, Baumeister, DeWall, Ciarocco, and
Twenge (2005) suggested that experiencing or imagining social exclusion has the same depletion
effect on self-control. Participants who either experienced a manipulated social exclusion
condition or were asked to read and imagine a socially excluded future event experienced egodepletion in the second task. Magnetoencephalopraphy (MEG; a technique of mapping brain
activity) showed that brains of socially excluded participants showed less activity in regions
related to the executive control of attention, which interfered with cognitive performance and
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overall brain function (Campbell, Krusemark, Dyckman, Brunell, Dowell, Twenge, & Clementz,
2006).
Subsequent studies also applied Baumeister et al.’s (1998) methodology and found
supporting correlations between self-control depletion and other behaviors. Stucke and
Baumeister (2006) reported that ego-depleted undergraduate participants were more likely to act
aggressively than the control group. They assessed participants’ evaluations on the experimenter
who gave negative feedback to creative writing pieces the participants wrote. Participants who
experienced the self-control depleting task (resisting the temptation of eating cookies or
suppressing emotions and body movements while watching a boring movie) beforehand
responded more aggressively to a critique they received on their creativity. Using similar egodepletion tasks, DeWall, Baumeister, Gailliot, and Maner (2008) found that participants in the
ego-depletion state were less likely to express altruistic behaviors (offering donations), indicating
that prosocial behaviors require self-control and can also be depleted according to the strength
model of ego-depletion.
A recent study reported that self-control tasks consume glucose as physical activities do,
providing a new support for the strength model of ego-depletion. Gailliot, Baumeister, DeWall,
Maner, Plant, Tice, Brewer, and Schmeichel (2007) observed undergraduate participants’ blood
glucose levels as they exercised self-control tasks (e.g., the Stroop task, thought suppression,
emotion regulation, and attention control) and found that blood glucose levels decreased after
these tasks, which resulted in poor performance on subsequent self-control acts. Gailliot et al.
concluded that glucose must be the energy source of the strength model. However, although the
glucose and ego-depletion study has been replicated a number of times (Miller, Pattison, DeWall,
Rayburn-Reeves, & Zentall, 2010; Wang & Dvorak, 2010), a critique by Kurzban (2010)
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suggested that mental activity is less likely to consume glucose compared to physical activities,
and brain metabolism is far too complex to make simple conclusions (i.e., that glucose is the
energy source related to ego-depletion) without sufficient physiological data.
Age Difference
In contrast to the increasing number of researches supporting the strength model of egodepletion, Dahm, Neshat-Doost, Golden, Horn, Hagger, and Dalgleish (2011) suggested that the
strength model may be limited. Dahm et al. were the first to assess the age difference as the
possible independent variable to the ego-depletion effect. They noted that most of the past egodepletion studies involved participants who were university undergraduate students, whose mean
age was 21.37. Based on the understanding that neurological maturity of the frontal lobe occurs
after age 21.37, they suggested that the ego-depletion effect may differ according to age. Dahm
et al. hypothesized that ego-depletion effects are unique only to those belonging to a younger
population. That is, the older generation is less susceptible to ego-depletion, indicating that the
well-supported strength model of self-control may have a specific age range.
In Dahm et al.’s (2011) study, participants included 87 community volunteers divided
into two age groups: 18 to 25 and 40 to 65. Within both age groups, participants were randomly
divided into three experimental conditions. Group 1 experienced the Color Stroop Task condition,
in which participants were asked to read out the ink color of printed words (e.g., to say “red” to a
card containing the word “yellow” printed in red ink). Group 2 simply read random words that
were printed in black ink (no color Stroop test). Group 3 did not perform any Stroop task. The
participants assigned to the Color (or no color) Stroop conditions performed these tasks for 6.5
minutes, and the number of trials and errors for each participant was recorded. Each group then
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A182]: Note that in
American English, “research” is not a count
noun.
213
took the Autobiographical Memory Task (AMT). Participants also completed mood and fatigue
ratings, depression symptoms inventory, and the trait anxiety inventory.
The results suggested that there was no significant age difference for the Stroop task, for
tiredness, or for mood, although older participants reported being less tired after the Stroop task
than younger participants. The desired result was more apparent in the AMT. Younger
participants were able to recall a greater number of specific memories than older participants;
however, the depletion effect was more apparent in younger participants in Group 1. On the
other hand, no significant ego-depletion was found in older participants. Dahm et al.’s (2011)
data suggest that the older generation is less susceptible to ego-depletion, perhaps because of the
maturation of the frontal lobe in older participants, indicating that the well-supported strength
model may have a specific age range.
However, Dahm et al.’s. (2011) data have minor limitations. For instance, the researchers
recruited only 87 participants, even though the study had a total of six condition groups. A
limited number of participants in each condition group cannot provide a strong conclusion.
Hence, future studies may benefit from the inclusion of a greater number of participants that
reflect increased demographic diversity, such as age, family role, occupation, etc.
The Proposed Study
The proposed study will examine the external validity of Baumeister et al.’s (1998)
strength model of ego-depletion using participants from various age groups. Although
subsequent studies have consistently supported the strength model, studies using participants
over the mean age of 25 are marginal. Furthermore, Dahm et al. (2011) reported that the egodepletion effect was less significant for participants from the age 45 through 60. Thus, this study
will replicate the radish study by Baumeister et al. and will assess the ego-depletion effect in four
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age groups: ages 12 through 18 (middle and high schools), 19 through 25 (undergraduates), 30
through 45 (middle adulthood), and 45 through 60 (late adulthood). The age range from age 25
through 30 will be omitted from this study to eliminate individual differences in frontal lobe
maturation.
Hypotheses. Compared to the student groups, participants in their middle and late
adulthood will not experience a significant ego-depletion in subsequent self-control tasks;
however, younger participants (students) may experience a greater depletion effect (Hypothesis
1). Overall, concerning individuals who have yet to reach the age of prefrontal cortex maturation,
the degree of ego-depletion will correlate negatively with age (Hypothesis 2).
Methods
Participants
The study will include four groups of 500 members each, a total of 2,000 participants.
With consents from schools and parents, participants will include 500 middle and high school
students from Southern California public schools. Five hundred undergraduate participants, also
from Southern California colleges, will receive college course credits for participation. The
undergraduate sample group will not include those who have studied Baumeister’s works in
upper-division psychology classes. Additionally, 1,000 community volunteers, from 30 through
60 years of age, will participate in this study. They will be recruited from the Southern California
community.
Design
The study will replicate the radish study by Baumeister et al. (1998). In Part 1,
participants will be divided into three condition groups within each age range. First, Group 1 will
be asked to practice impulse control (i.e., eat radishes in the presence of chocolate-chip cookies);
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Group 2 will eat cookies in the presence of radishes; and Group 3 will not consume anything.
Each participant’s mood and fatigue level will be assessed before Part 2, in which individual’s
ego-depletion will be measured in a self-control activity that will follow (an unsolvable anagram;
stage 2).
Materials
Each participant will complete the Basic Demographic Data Survey (U.S. Census Bureau,
2000). The basic demographic data survey will be modified by adding the category “Children” to
assess any possible correlation between the results and family roles (Appendix A). After Stage 1,
the radish and cookie stage, Brief Mood Introspection Scale (BMI; Mayer & Gaschke, 1988) will
be used to measure each participant’s mood, and Restraint Scale (Herman & Polivy, 1975) to
assess each participant’s dieting status (Appendix B & C). The fatigue inventory will be adapted
from National Palliative Care Research Center (2012; Appendix D). The unsolvable puzzle,
stage 2, will be adapted from Baumeister et al.’s (1998) study, which used Feather’s (1961)
puzzle that requires participants to complete a geometric figure without retracing any lines or
lifting the pencil. A manipulation check questionnaire will also be used to identify any
participant who might dismiss the puzzle as unsolvable instead of working on it (Appendix E).
Procedure
Replicating past studies, participants will be asked to refrain from eating for five hours
prior to the study. They will be asked to enter the laboratory one by one. The researcher will
explain the research using an elaborated cover story explaining that this is a study assessing taste
perception. The Basic Demographic Data Survey will be completed by every participant.
Part 1. Group 1 participants will be asked to eat a place of red and white radishes in the
presence of freshly baked chocolate-chip cookies. Group 2 will undergo an opposite situation,
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eating cookies in front of radishes, and Group 3 will simply skip this part and start from Part 2.
Groups 1 and 2 will be reminded to eat only what was assigned to them. After Part 1, participants
will be asked to complete the BMI and Restraint Scale while they wait for the researchers to
prepare for the next stage.
Part 2. In Part 2, all participants will be asked to take a test, which is explained as the test that
compares the cognitive abilities of different age groups, and will engage in the unsolvable puzzle.
The participants will be given the free choice of giving up the anagram any time or continuing to
work on it as long as they want within the 30-minute time limit. The following instruction will be
adapted from Baumeister et al. (1998).
You can take as much time and as many trials as you want. You will not be judged on the
number of trials or the time you will take. You will be judged on whether or not you
finish tracing the figure. If you wish to stop before you finish (i.e., solve the puzzle), ring
the bell on the table (p. 1255).
The researcher will measure and record the time participants engage in the puzzle before they
give up. After each participant finishes the puzzle, the researcher will reenter the room and
administer a manipulation check questionnaire. When all is finished, researcher will debrief,
thank, and dismiss the participants.
Anticipated Results
Hypothesis 1 of this study predicts that ego-depletion will be unique to younger
participants. Specifically, it anticipates that only Group 1 (who practiced impulse control) of the
student population (from age 12 through 25) will experience ego-depletion, whereas Group 1 of
other age groups (from age 30 through 60) will not. Concerning the three conditions, the time
Group 1 student participants engage in the unsolvable puzzle will be significantly shorter
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compared to the time the other two groups (of the same age range) work on the puzzle. The
difference could be explained by the fact that Group 1 participants used their self-control energy
in the prior task. This time difference effect will be trivial with older participants, perhaps due to
the maturation of their frontal lobe.
If self-control is related to the maturation of the frontal lobe, then the ego-depletion effect
will correlate negatively with age (Hypothesis 2). Consequently, concerning student participants,
the younger the participants, the greater the puzzle engaging time gap between Group 1 and the
other two groups will be. In contrast, the time spent by older participants’ (age 30 through 60)
performance in Stage 2 (puzzle) will not vary significantly regardless of the conditions.
Discussion and Potential Significance
For more than a decade, Baumeister et al.’s (1998) proposal that self-control resembles
the strength model has been supported by many researches. The problem noted by Dahm et al.
(2011), however, was that typical ego-depletion studies always used undergraduate students,
which is a common tendency among research conducted in university psychology departments.
This study will examine the possibility proposed by Dahm et al. that the maturation of the
prefrontal cortex may affect ego-depletion.
If the hypotheses of this study are supported, brain maturation may be a determinant
concerning whether an individual experiences ego-depletion in subsequent self-control tasks.
That is, individual’s overall performance on sustained self-control may change with age, which
is a view different from that of Baumeister et al.’s (1998) strength model of self-control.
Moreover, if the self-regulation ability is associated with aging, the skill model, which views
self-regulation as a skill individuals develop over time, seems more reasonable. Based on the
skill model, self-control, as an acquired skill, will remain constant across numerous successive
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acts within a short time. Subsequent studies on the strength model using undergraduates have all
effectively shown that ego-depletion does occur with undergraduate participants. The anticipated
results may indicate that self-regulation may resemble the strength model before the maturation
of the prefrontal cortex, whereas the skill model may be more applicable to individuals after they
reach middle-adulthood.
The findings of this study may provide a further argument against Baumeister et al.’s
(1998) ego-depletion. The proposed study will use a significant number of participants from a
variety of age groups; if the hypotheses are supported, this study will serve to confirm the results
reported by Dahm et al. (2011). Future studies may investigate the true nature of self-control,
whether it is the strength model or the skill model. Additionally, prospective studies concerning
self-control may consider exploring deeper into the relation between prefrontal cortex
development and self-control ability.
References
Baumeister, R. F., Bratslavsky, E., Muraven, M., & Tice, D. M. (1998). Ego depletion: Is the
active self a limited resource?. Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology, 74(5),
1252-1265. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.74.5.1252
Baumeister, R. F. (2002). Ego depletion and self-control failure: An energy model of the self's
executive function. Self And Identity, 1(2), 129-136. doi:10.1080/152988602317319302
Baumeister, R. F., DeWall, C., Ciarocco, N. J., & Twenge, J. M. (2005). Social Exclusion
Impairs Self-Regulation. Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology, 88(4), 589-604.
doi:10.1037/0022-3514.88.4.589
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Comment [A183]: Excellent work. I
can’t help but wonder whether fMRI
imaging would shed light on the underlying
mechanisms. We know that the frontal
lobes play a significant role in self-control
and decision making, so it’s puzzling that
none of these researchers have applied
fMRI technology to the question.
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Brief Demographic Data Survey (2000). Retrieved from United States Census Bureau website:
http://www.census.gov/main/www/access.htm
Brief Fatigue Inventory (1997). Retrieved from National Palliative Care Research Center website:
http://www.npcrc.org/usr_doc/adhoc/painsymptom/ Brief%20Fatigue%20Inventory.pdf
Campbell, W.K., Krusemark, E. A., Dyckman, K.A., A.B. Brunell, J.E., McDowell, J.M.
Twenge &. Clementz, B.A. (2006). A magnetoencephalography investigation of neural
correlates for social exclusion and self-control. Social Neuroscience, 1, 124-134.
Dahm T, Neshat-Doost HT, Golden A-M, Horn E, Hagger M, et al. (2011) Age Shall Not Weary
Us: Deleterious Effects of Self-Regulation Depletion Are Specific to Younger
Adults. PLoS ONE 6(10): e26351. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0026351
DeWall, C., Baumeister, R. F., Gailliot, M. T., & Maner, J. K. (2008). Depletion makes the heart
grow less helpful: Helping as a function of self-regulatory energy and genetic relatedness.
Personality And Social Psychology Bulletin, 34(12), 1653-1662.
doi:10.1177/0146167208323981
Feather, N. T. (1961). The relationship of persistence at a task to expectation of success and
achievement related motives. The Journal Of Abnormal And Social Psychology, 63(3),
552-561. doi:10.1037/h0045671
Gallagher, P., Fleeson, W., & Hoyle, R. H. (2011). A self-regulatory mechanism for personality
trait stability: Contra-trait effort. Social Psychological And Personality Science, 2(4),
335-342. doi:10.1177/1948550610390701
Gailliot, M. T., Baumeister, R. F., DeWall, C., Maner, J. K., Plant, E., Tice, D. M., & ...
Schmeichel, B. J. (2007). Self-control relies on glucose as a limited energy source:
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Willpower is more than a metaphor. Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology, 92(2),
325-336. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.92.2.325
Hagger, M. S., Wood, C., Stiff, C., & Chatzisarantis, N. D. (2010). Ego depletion and the
strength model of self-control: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 136(4), 495-525.
doi:10.1037/a0019486
Herman, C. P. (1975). Anxiety, Restraint, and Eating Behavior. Jornal of Abnormal Psychology.
Vol 84(6), Dec 1975, 666-672. doi:10.1037/0021-843X.84.6.666
Mayer, J. D., & Gaschke, Y. N. (1988). The experience and meta-experience of mood. Journal of
Personality and Social Psychology, 55, 102-111.
Miller, H. C., Pattison, K. F., DeWall, C., Rayburn-Reeves, R., & Zentall, T. R. (2010). Selfcontrol without a “self ”? Common self-control processes in humans and dogs.
Psychological Science, 21(4), 534-538.
Mischel, W., Shoda, Y., & Peake, P. K. (1988). The nature of adolescent competencies predicted
by preschool delay of gratification. Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology, 54(4),
687-696. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.54.4.687
Muraven, M., Tice, D. M., & Baumeister, R. F. (1998). Self-control as a limited resource:
Regulatory depletion patterns. Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology, 74(3), 774789. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.74.3.774
Muraven, M., & Baumeister, R. F. (2000). Self-regulation and depletion of limited resources:
Does self-control resemble a muscle?. Psychological Bulletin, 126(2), 247-259.
doi:10.1037/0033-2909.126.2.247
Muraven, M., Shmueli, D., & Burkley, E. (2006). Conserving self-control strength. Journal Of
Personality And Social Psychology, 91(3), 524-537. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.91.3.524
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Schmeichel, B. J., Vohs, K. D., & Baumeister, R. F. (2003). Intellectual performance and ego
depletion: Role of the self in logical reasoning and other information processing. Journal
Of Personality And Social Psychology, 85(1), 33-46. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.85.1.33
Stucke, T. S., & Baumeister, R. F. (2006). Ego depletion and aggressive behavior: Is the
inhibition of aggression a limited resource?. European Journal Of Social Psychology,
36(1), 1-13. doi:10.1002/ejsp.285
Wang, X. T., & Dvorak, R. D. (2010). Sweet future: Fluctuating blood glucose levels affect
future discounting. Psychological Science, 21(2), 183-188.
doi:10.1177/0956797609358096
Kurzban, R. (2010). Does the Brain Consume Additional Glucose During Self-Control Tasks?.
Epijournal, 8(2): 244-259.
Analysis
This is a complex study proposal, yet Tiffany was very successful in bringing the various
parts together. Her literature review is extensive, her methods section detailed. As in the case of
Hiromi’s proposal, the writing here is easy to read, even though the proposed project is complex.
Moreover, Tiffany also is a nonnative English speaker, illustrating again how it is possible for
NESB students to reach a level of proficiency that is indistinguishable from that of native
English speakers. The key is in instruction and instructional support, an emphasis on high
expectations, and a willingness on the part of students to work hard to succeed.
Lara Petersen (junior)
Anticipation in SVO-SOV Translation Training (final, no initial drafts submitted)
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Japanese-English and English-Japanese translation is quite difficult, owing to the fact that
Japanese is a head-final language and English is a head-initial language (Isozaki, Sudoh,
Tsukada, & Duh, 2010). When translating between a language with a verb-final construction and
one with a verb-central construction, the translator must use completely different methods than if
the languages were similarly arranged. Translation is arguably more difficult, therefore, between
two languages with different word structure than between two languages with similar word
structure (Seeber, 2001). These difficulties become more acute in situations that require either
simultaneous interpreting (SI) or simultaneous translation (ST). The questions that arise are: (1)
what sort of training methods, if any, can help with translating SVO-SOV languages, and (2)
what level of competency must the translator have in order to produce an accurate translation.
Early Studies
Interpretation and translation are practiced under a wide variety of conditions. Many
interpreters and translators work full-time, whereas others such as housewives, students, and
journalists work part-time for supplementary income (Katan, 2009). Interpreting and translation
work can also be assigned to employees who happen to speak one or more foreign languages.
The variety of conditions in which interpreters and translators work means that the requirements
for those positions must also be quite diverse. Training may not be necessary or only minimally
provided.
Training is crucial, however, for professional translators. Although formal classes in
translation or interpretation are not mandatory for lower-level translation, it can perform at least
two important functions for upper-level translation (Gile, 2009). One purpose of formal
instruction is to enhance the performance of professional translators. Formal training also helps
people who wish to become professionals develop translation skills more rapidly than through
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simple field experience and self-instruction. Self-taught interpreting may involve large amounts
of trial and error and may be ultimately insufficient for true mastery of the target language.
One of the more important aspects in SVO-SOV translation is translation competence.
Since the beginning of translation studies (TS), many authors have identified different
components of translation competence (e.g., Kiraly 1995; Hansen 1997, 2006; Schäffner & Adab
2000). One simple method is laid out by Gile (2009), in which he identified four main
components necessary for translation competence.
The first component is that “interpreters and translators need to have good passive
knowledge of their passive working languages” (p. 8). Although this may seem self-evident, it is
less clear how good this passive knowledge must be. Conference and simultaneous interpreting
have especially high demands, because the interpreters must respond very quickly to spoken
language. Such a skill is not taught or acquired in a foreign language classroom and requires
extremely good passive knowledge of the interpreter’s working languages.
Gile’s second component is: “Interpreters and translators need to have good command of
their active working languages” (p. 9). This requirement may again seem self-evident, but in toplevel translating and interpreting, the standard is very demanding. Professional literary
translators need not only excellent command of their active working languages but also the
grammar, editing, and publication conventions of the target language. Similarly, conference
interpreters are required to make speeches at a quality level expected from the personalities they
interpret, such as diplomats, scientists, lawyers, or politicians, and appropriate for the relevant
circumstances: press conferences, political speeches, courtrooms, etc. This requirement goes
beyond the “natural” command people acquire in their native language and sometimes requires
years of extra study.
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Gile’s third requirement is: “Interpreters and translators need to have sufficient
knowledge of the themes and subject-matters addressed by the texts or speeches they translate”
(p. 9). Gile stated that this requirement is necessarily non-specific because the need for
specialized information varies widely in different situations. Depending on their existing
knowledge, the availability of documents, and of human help, translators can take on less
specialized subjects without extensive training beforehand.
The fourth and final requirement is that “translators must have both declarative and
procedural knowledge about translation” (p. 9). The translator’s declarative knowledge includes
knowledge about clients, knowledge about information sources, about the clients’ specific
expectations for each assignment, etc. “Procedural knowledge” is the ability to actually perform
a translation; the translator’s relevant procedural knowledge refers to technical skills involved in
the act of translation (p. 9).
When translating an SVO language to an SOV language or vice versa, Gile’s four main
components are often joined by other methods. Seeber (2001) declared that one of the more
important factors in syntactically different SI is anticipation. Defined by Van Besien (1999) as
“the production of a constituent (a word or a group of words) in the target language before the
speaker has uttered the corresponding constituent in the source language” (p. 250), this idea is
informed by two main schools of thought. The first, called “the universalists” by Setton (1999)
and the “liberal arts community” by Moser-Mercer (1994), is based on the interpretive theory
and holds that given sufficient linguistic proficiency in both languages, SI is equally difficult.
The ability to predict language will cancel out structural differences. Followers of this theory
also maintain that anticipation is applied to all parts of a sentence and that therefore no special
attention is paid to the verb in SVO or SOV translation (Seeber, 2001).
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The second, called “the bilateralists” by Setton (1999) and the “natural science
community” by Moser-Mercer (1994), is based on the information processing paradigm and
draws mainly on cognitive psychology and neuroscience. Followers of this school of thought
maintain that the sequential nature of language comprehension has a direct effect on SI, because
the translation processes depend on linguistic structure. According to them, the fact that the
interpreter is missing a certain piece of the sentence when interpreting between structurally
different languages will cause them to utilize strategies such as anticipation (Seeber, 2001).
Scholars have debated other theories of anticipation as well. Lederer (1981) argued that
anticipation is not a language-specific phenomenon and offered a distinction between cognitive
and linguistic anticipation, as well as a third type which she called “freewheeling interpretation”
(as quoted by Seeber 2001, p. 63). “Freewheeling interpretation” is when the interpreter has
already decided on the meaning of the sentence and listens to the speaker’s words only to
confirm and make any corrections needed.
Seeber also mentions the importance of prosodic cues (p. 66), although this aspect of
anticipatory interpretation has been mostly unexplored up until this point. Most researchers focus
on semantic and syntactic anticipation (see Moser 1976, Wilss 1978, Lederer 1981, Gile 1995,
Setton 1999) and only include mention of prosody for completeness. Seeber (2001) speculates
that prosody has not been studied further because computer technology has only recently made it
possible to quantify, analyze and process prosodic features in an economical fashion (p. 66). The
importance of prosodic cues in SOV-SVO translation is an area of study that should be expanded
upon in the near future.
Many areas of SVO-SOV translation have yet to be fully explored. At the beginning of
this review, two questions were asked: (1) what sort of training methods, if any, can help with
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translating SVO-SOV languages, and (2) what level of competency must the translator have in
order to produce an accurate translation. Although the first question has been answered quite
fully by scholars such as Gile and Moser-Mercer, the second question requires more
investigation. The importance of anticipation has not been satisfactorily researched; prosody as
well needs more study. Empirical research of basic professional SVO-SOV translation methods
is quite lacking.
The Present Study
Although many scholars have researched appropriate training methods, few have
attempted empirical studies regarding SI. There are many gaps in the research that must be filled,
particularly in regard to the question of translation competency. The present study would attempt
to close some of these gaps in information. Specifically, it would investigate how professional
interpreters use anticipation and prosody as they translate between SVO and SOV languages.
The hypothesis is that interpreters specifically trained in anticipation techniques give a faster,
more accurate translation between SVO-SOV languages than interpreters who have not been
Comment [A184]: Excellent lit review.
trained in anticipation.
Proposed Methods
Participants
The study will use 20 student interpreter volunteers from the Monterey Institute of
International Studies (MIIS), 10 of whom will be trained in anticipation and ten of whom will
not. The interpreters will be controlled for number of years of study, language of study, socioeconomic background, and gender.
Proposed Study Design
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The students will be recorded as they translate a five-minute speech from their SOV
language into English. The results will be examined on the basis of accuracy and speed. If the
hypothesis is correct, those students with anticipation training will complete the exercise faster
Comment [A185]: Use Arabic
numerals when referring to a specific
element of your study.
Comment [A186]: I can understand the
accuracy issue, but by what criteria will you
assess speed?
and with more accuracy.
Expected Results
If anticipation does contribute to SVO-SOV translation, the interpreters who are trained
in anticipation techniques will translate faster and more accurately than their counterparts. The
researcher hopes to find a positive correlation between anticipation and translation ability. The
study will help establish anticipation as an important and necessary part of translation training.
Potential Significance
The findings of this study will hopefully deepen scholars’ understanding of SVO-SOV
translation, as well as expand the field of empirical study. Little qualitative research has been
conducted to date, and none of it has focused on the differences and difficulties in translating
structurally different languages. This study has great potential to increase knowledge of the
processes that occur when SVO-SOV languages are translated.
The proposed study will also establish a need for anticipation training in professional
interpreting. As of today anticipation is acknowledged as an interesting part of translation, but is
not integrated as a necessary aspect of SVO-SOV training. This study will highlight the
importance of anticipation and hopefully establish it as a permanent part of translation programs’
curriculum.
References
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Comment [A187]: I’m confused by this.
Isn’t it the case that we expect the SI
translator to mimic the speed of the speaker?
228
Gile, Daniel (2009). Basic concepts and models for interpreter and translator training.
Philadelphia, PA: John Benjamins Publishing Co.
Isozaki, H., Sudoh, K., Tsukada, H., & Duh, K (2010). Head finalization: a simple reordering
rule for SOV languages. WMT '10 Proceedings of the Joint Fifth Workshop on Statistical
Machine Translation and MetricsMATR. Stroudsburg, PA: Association for Computational
Linguistics, 244-251.
Katan, D. (2009). Translation theory and professional practice: a global survey of the great
divide. Journal of Language and Communication Studies, 42, 111-153.
Kiraly, D. (1995). Pathways to translation: pedagogy and process. Kent, OH: Kent State
University Press.
Comment [A188]: Wrong format.
Moser-Mercer, B. (1994). Aptitude testing for conference interpreting: why, when and how.
Philadelphia, PA: John Benjamins Publishing Co.
Moser-Mercer, B. (2000). Simultaneous interpreting. Interpreting 5:2, 83-94.
Seeber, Killian G. (2001). Intonation and anticipation in simultaneous interpreting. Cahiers
de linguistique française, 23, 61-97.
Setton, R. (1999). Simultaneous interpretation: a cognitive and pragmatic analysis. Philadelphia,
PA: John Benjamins Publishing Co.
Van Besien, F. (1999). Anticipation in simultaneous interpretation. Translators’ Journal 44:2,
250-259.
Comment [A189]: A well-written paper.
Your writing has improved significantly
over the semester, and you should be proud
of your hard work.
Grade = A-
Analysis
Lara’s paper is interesting for a couple of reasons. As Lara is a native English speaker, it
provides a point of comparison with those of Tiffany and Hiromi. Are there any similarities or
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differences? Also, Lara provided a literature review that was a bit more extensive than the
previous two, but her proposed methods and anticipated results sections were very short. Anyone
who hoped to replicated Lara’s study on the basis of the methods section would find it difficult
because Lara simply did not provide enough information.
Why, then, did her professor award her a grade of A- rather than, say, a B? It is
impossible to know, of course, but there is a clue in the final comment. The professor praised
Lara for her hard work and improvement over the course of the term. We may reasonably
conclude from that comment that Lara’s early work was not up to the course standard and that
she subsequently worked more diligently and showed significant improvement. If this analysis is
correct, then the grade is not an indication of the overall quality of this research proposal but
rather is a reward for her striving to reach her full potential. As discussed in Chapter 10, teachers
regularly use grades in ways that have little to do with actual writing performance. This does not
mean, of course, that Lara’s proposal is poorly written, only that it is not as well written as those
from Hiromi and Tiffany.
© 2014 Taylor & Francis