ACCENTS, INC.
By John C. Havens
Copyright © 2001
OP
Y
CAST: one male or female
TC
AT RISE: Performer comes out to center stage and addresses the
audience as if they were part of his/her class. If desired, they can
come out with a clipboard, or just pretend to hold a piece of paper
where they can check off names, etc. This character should do
these accents well; the performer will be shown off better if they
are skillful doing dialects. However, this character is a bit
egotistical, and obviously goes about teaching these dialects in a
highly unorthodox fashion. It should be noted the performer
should bring out the irony in his/her teaching style, and should
never appear as mean or malicious. HE/SHE just has very
particular ideas and feels strongly about them.
PETERS
(In a British dialect, highly and somewhat pompous)
NO
Hello, hello, yes, shall we settle…please people? Good, good. All
seated and ready to learn, are we? Excellent. Oh, I see we have a few
rambunctious types in the back who want to continue while (MR. MS.)
Peters is trying to run (his/her) class.
(in a harsh Brooklyn dialect in a loud voice)
DO
WELL, STOW IT CHEESEHEADS! TIME TO PARK YOUR
KEISTER AND ZIP YOUR FLAPPIN’ GUMS FORE I COME UP THERE
AND DO IT FOR YUS!
Copyrighted material. All rights reserved. Caution: Professionals and
amateurs are hereby warned that this play is subject to a royalty.
Performance rights may be purchased from Dominion Publications. ALL
FURTHER INQUIRIES CONCERNING PERFORMANCE RIGHTS, INCLUDING
AMATEUR RIGHTS, SHOULD BE DIRECTED TO BROOKLYN PUBLISHERS
LLC, PO BOX 248, CEDAR RAPIDS, IA 52406. (1-888-473-8521,
www.brookpub.com.)
(Back to British)
That was a little taste of a “Brooklyn” accent. Very useful for
situations where you want to cut right to the point. We’ll work on that
one later.
(chuckles to him/herself)
OP
Y
Well, then. Let’s start at the beginning as starting at the end would
mean I would have to talk backwards. Which I can do, but I’m not sure
you’d understand it. It understand you’d think you do? So think didn’t I.
TC
This is Accents, Incorporated. Today I’ll be giving you a varied
overview of how to speak over a half dozen different accents. I promise
you you won’t forget my methodology. First off, is there anyone here
(looks at paper/clipboard) who’s in the wrong class? This class is for
learning different dialects, or “Accents”. If you wanted the class, “Axe
Scents”, or “Making your hatchet smell minty”, you’re in the wrong room.
(back to Brooklyn) SO GED OUDDA HEAH! VAMOOSE!
NO
Excellent. Well, I’m guessing many of you are aspiring actors, or
“thespians,” as we call them in the business, or you’re hoping to be
familiar with accents because a loved one or friend speaks in an accent
and you have no idea at all what they’re saying. Muy bien. Now, that
was Spanish. Actual Spanish, not an accent. I’m afraid I won’t be
teaching you a whole new language today. That would take at LEAST
two sessions.
Let’s jump right in, shall we? Now, you’ll be doing these exercises
along with me, and you may have to stand in your seat, so don’t be shy,
all right?
DO
(Brooklyn) IN UDDER WORDS, WHEN I SAY JUMP, YOU SAY
“NO PROBLEM.”
(HE/SHE will actually try to get the audience to do these exercises
with him/her.)
Right, then. Let’s start with a British dialect, like the one I’m faking.
I mean speaking! Speaking. There are hundreds of different dialects, so
let’s start with London, shall we?
Right, then. If you would be so kind, please stand in your seats
and do this motion with me.
(HE/SHE makes a huge show of sipping a non-existent cup of tea
with his/ her pinkie raised high in the air)
OP
Y
We are sipping our tea. Very British. You’ll notice my pinkie is
extended high in the air whilst I drink. Why do we do this, you may ask.
Is it because the handle is too small for our fingers? Not at all. It’s
because the British are snotty. Say that with me in a British dialect.
(HE/SHE says “snotty” in a very over affected accent)
Snotty. Remember to keep your nose in the air and talk nasal.
Now try this one:
TC
“I’m goh-ing to the thea-tuh this eveeeeaning.” Now you. More
nasal, try it again. Really be pompous. Excellent. Now take your tea
again, and one last phrase in the London slash British dialect. “This
teeeah is divuh-een.” Now you. Thrust your head back! More nasal! You
in the third row, more pompous! You don’t look condescending enough!
Right.
(Back to British; HE/SHE is always in British unless otherwise
indicated; also, the performer can decide whether HE/SHE wants
the audience to remain standing/sitting throughout the piece, or to
stand and sit accordingly)
NO
Now onto something a bit more complicated. Cockney. For
Cockney, you first have to imagine that you have been pummeled in the
face repeatedly with a large, blunt object. Do that now.
(HE/SHE pretends to be hit in the face over and over; when HE/SHE
is done, HE/SHE sticks lips to the side and opens one eye wider
than the other, and generally looks dimwitted and in pain)
DO
You should look like you’re in pain at all times. Now, keeping your
face in the same position, repeat this phrase in a Cockney accent with
me: “Rye-ht den, Guvnah.” Now you. (listens)
Well, that was horrible. You have to FEEL the pain. Lower your
voice. Pretend you’ve been awake for forty-eight hours straight. Talk
slower, as if you were highly medicated. Now try. (listens) Excellent.
Although I said there were dozens of British dialects, those are the
only two English dialects that are really important at all. Plus, they’re the
only ones I know. So, you are now masters of those dialects.
OP
Y
Let’s move farther north in the British Isles, shall we? How about
Scotland? Scottish is a highly amusing dialect that’s great fun at parties.
We’ll start simple, with the word, “g-r-e-a-t”. Now, how would you say
that normally? (listens) Correct. The same way you’d say g-r-a-t-e. One
of the hundreds of twisted, cryptic rules of American English grammar.
Now in Scotland, they would say the word in a similar fashion, but with
much more emphasis on the “a” sound. So instead of “great”, you get
“graaaaaate”. Try that after me now: “graaaaate”. For Scottish you must
thrust your chin forward as if you had an enormously thick beard that
doesn’t allow you to lower your chin. Do this with me. Now stand up and
pretend you’re holding a shepherd’s crook. Every Scotsman is a
shepherd. Even the women. Now pretend that whatever you say has to
be heard all the way down the mountain you’re standing on top of.
Scottish is not a subtle accent. Good. Let’s give it another go, shall we?
(standing like HE/SHE described, HE/SHE yells the following)
TC
Grrraaaatttee. (listens) Getting there. Now try this phase, “Angus,
I’d luv a wee bit o’ Haggis.” (listens) The word is Haggis. It’s the
bladder of a goat filled with it’s own intestines and innards. Or a cow, I
always forget which. I want you to vividly picture yourself eating a bit of
haggis and then trying that phrase again. Can you picture it? Do you
see the various shades of beige? Good, now you’re ready to try again.
“Angus, I’d luv a wee bit o’ Haggus.”
DO
NO
Wonderful. Now let’s jump across the pond to Paris and work on
our French accent, shall we? The French dialect is similar to London in
the sense that the French people think they’re better than everyone
else. But instead of sticking there noses in the air, they raise their
eyebrows like this (HE/SHE does so) as if to say, (in an over-the-top
French accent) “Why arr you in my countree, you silly American typeuh?” I’d like you to picture yourself holding a loaf of long French bread in
your hand. You will gesture with it to help you get the feel of the
language.
(HE/SHE gestures with his/her hands broadly, pretending to hold
French bread at the same time)
Here’s another phrase, “A-oui. Aye wood lie-ke to go to ze
Louuuuw-reh.” The Louve-reh is a large French museum where many,
many naked statues are exhibited. The French seem to have the twisted
idea that the human body, the WHOLE human body is beautiful, and
should be EXPOSED at all times. So let’s move on.
Now Italian, a gorgeous language spoken not only by mobsters
but also by chefs. For an Italian accent, you must purse your lips like
you were about to kiss someone on the cheek. Now take your hand and
put your thumb and your fingers together and turn upward. Gesture with
this hand while you speak, occasionally slapping it in the palm of your
other hand. Try this with me.
OP
Y
(in an Italian dialect while slapping one hand into the palm of the
other)
“Tony, your lasagna hasa da’ wonderful reecoata.”
Ricotta is a type of cheese eaten only by Italians. And only Italian
people can make lasagna. If anyone else tries to make lasagna, a bout
of bloody food poisoning is the result.
(checks watch) Let’s do a few “quickies”, shall we?
TC
Swedish. For a Swedish dialect, hop up and down and repeat this
phrase, “ Bordy, bordy, bordy, bordy, bork, bork, bork, bork.” Everyone
knows that the Swedish chef from the old Muppet show is the best
person to learn a Swedish dialect from. If you don’t have any tapes of
the Muppet Show, get them.
NO
Next, German. German is quite simple. For a German dialect just
pretend you have the flu and are trying to cough up as much phlegm as
possible. For example:
“Yah, mine dusseldorrr (HE/SHE makes coughing/spitting
sound) ff f ees misseing it’s sparrrrk (coughing/spitting) plug. Got un
himmmmmelllll!”
DO
And lastly, Brooklyn, which you’ve already heard a few samples of.
A Brooklyn dialect comes straight from the groin. It’s all about sounding
like you’re a swaggering swain who has the brute strength of an ox but
can’t do long division. All right, then, stand in your seat and let’s begin.
Our first phrase is a common one you should be familiar with.
(Brooklyn) Hey babeeee. How yu doin’?
Got it? Now you try. (listens) You would get beaten to a pulp if
you said it that way. Talk from your groin, people. Try it like this.
(HE/SHE moves his/her hips in a circular fashion, looking like John
Travolta in Saturday Night Fever)
Do you see how I’m almost dancing like John Travolta in “Saturday
Night Fever”? There’s a rhythm to Brooklyn-ese. Now you try.
(watches) MOVE DOSE HIPS, PEOPLE! WHADDAH YA’, DEAD?
OP
Y
That’s better. Now try our phrase again. “Hey babeeee. How yu
doin’?” (listens) That’s it! You need to sound as silky and shiny as hair
gel. That’s wonderful.
Well, I’m afraid our time is up. But there you have it. At least a half
dozen accents that you’ve mastered. Don’t forget all the tricks I showed
you as memory devices. Soon you’ll be able to slip as seamlessly from
one dialect to another as I can. Let me show you what I mean. I will now
recite the “Pledge of Allegiance” using a smattering of dialects that I
have just taught you.
TC
(HE/SHE clears throat; HE/SHE does a sampling of all of his/her
accents and it’s obvious HE/SHE has to use his/her memory
devices to make the accents work; this section should be big and
fun)
(HE/SHE raises his/her eyebrows and holds a fake French bread. In
a French dialect)
Eye pledge-uh de allegiance-uh to de flaguh,
NO
(HE/SHE “gets hit in the face” a few times then does Cockney)
o’ the Untied States of America, guvnah!
(HE/SHE holds fake shepherd’s crook, does Scottish)
And to thuh reeepoooblic,
DO
(clears throat, etc, does German dialect)
for vich it stands,
(Brooklyn, doing the hip thing)
one nation, undah God, indivisa, indavisab…ssh…which you can’t
pull apart, or somethin’ like that,
(slaps palm and speaks in Italian dialect)
wid a little bit of liberty and a’ justice,
(as on aside)
and maybe some a’ pizza pie,
(back to regular accent)
OP
Y
for ALL.
(claps his/her hands)
Wonderful. Now give all of yourselves a round of applause for
being so courageous, and so…bloody ridiculous looking.
TC
Come back tomorrow when we’ll be acting out all of
Shakespeare’s plays in under twenty minutes and condensing
Webster’s dictionary into just seven “essential words”. But for now, as
the Swedish say…
(HE/SHE jumps up an down off the stage while saying)
NO
bork, bork, bork, bork!
DO
End of Play
DO
TC
NO
OP
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