Arcadia Productions
THE GREAT BRITAIN SHOW
NOTE TO TEACHERS
This play was written for Italian school audiences and contains many
concepts, characters and situations with which they will be familiar, all
within a simple English language context.
The following text is the complete play script, together with descriptions in
italics of the physical action on the stage so the reader can follow the play
with ease. Included are some notes and footnotes for teachers explaining
certain aspects of the scenes.
A separate booklet, the Teachers’ Handbook, is available for this play. It
contains notes on the subjects and characters to help illuminate the text,
a synopsis for quick preparation, and additional notes to give ideas for
discussion.
Arcadia has prepared activities for the students for after the show:
• A printed test containing a questionnaire, true/false and multiple
choice questions.
• Visiting the site www.ragazzi.info students can enroll, and then
complete a timed and marked test (using Moodle technology, so it’s
impossible to cheat!). These tests contain various types of questions
like the printed test, but are more interactive, and have multimedia
elements to make it more interesting. There are prizes every month
for the students with the highest scores.
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The Great Britain Show
CHARACTERS
Neil a television presenter
Teacher a school teacher
Henry a clever schoolboy
Book a giant sized British History Book that walks and talks
Announcer a television announcer
Charlie Chaplin
Queen Queen Elizabeth II
Mario Rossi a “typical” Italian man
John Bull a ”typical” British man
William William Shakespeare
Freddie Freddie Mercury
Angus Angus McDonald, a Scottish entertainer
Jimmy his brother
Britannia Dame Britannia, her rival, representing Britain
Italia Dame Italia, a pantomime dame, representing Italy
ARCADIA PRODUCTIONS s.a.s.
via Vespri Siciliani 16/4, 20146 Milano
02 4231459
www.arcadia.info
THE GREAT BRITAIN SHOW
by Graham Spicer
© 2008 All rights reserved
2
Arcadia Productions
ACT ONE
A giant television is showing publicity for “The Great Britain Show”. Patriotic music
accompanies stereotype images of Britain: Union Jacks1, the Queen, Big Ben, Scottish
dancing, English pubs etc. When it finishes the screen goes blank, and Neil Niceman, who
has been sitting in a chair in the corner, speaks:
Neil
That’s great. Thanks everyone. See you all in a couple of
hours.
The rehearsals have finished. There is some noise as doors close and machines are switched
off. The television studio is now empty: just a few studio lights, and a giant TV screen.
Neil stands up and is surprised to see the audience.
Neil
Oh hello! I didn’t think anyone was here. You’re early: the
show doesn’t start for another two hours.
I’m Neil Niceman... but of course you know that. Everyone
knows Neil Niceman! Like the Pink Panther! Mickey Mouse!
(he looks at the audience curiously) You don’t know what I’m
talking about, do you?
(he remembers) Of course, you are the group from Italy! They
said we had Italians in the audience today. Strange... I thought
Italians were always late! By the way, the Pink Panther is la
Pantera Rosa, Mickey Mouse is Topolino, and Neil Niceman...
doesn’t translate into Italian! Well that’s not quite true: “Neil”
doesn’t translate into Italian, but I can translate “Niceman”:
“nice” - simpatico, “man” - uomo:... but you can call me Neil!
Neil Niceman isn’t my real name... I expect that you guessed
that. It’s my professional name. I’m a television presenter.
Quite famous actually. Everyone knows my name, but they
don’t know my real name. My real name is Neil Goodman. It’s
the same thing I suppose: “good” man; “nice” man. But “Neil
Niceman” sounds better.
Well we’ve still got 1 hour and 55 minutes to go before the
programme starts so let me show you around. This is our
television studio: an empty space. We can fill this space with
whatever we want… With light!
The studio is instantly filled with light.
1 Union Jack - the flag of the United Kingdom
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The Great Britain Show
With sound and music - all sorts of music!
We hear a mix of television theme tunes.
And with scenery, images and film!
The opening sequence of Neil’s TV series “The Great Britain Show” appears on the giant
TV screen. When it finishes there is silence.
But more than all these things we need people. People in front
of the camera: presenters, guests, and actors. People behind
the camera: directors, writers, and cameramen. And then there
are the people who watch our programmes: the people at
home watching their televisions, and you, the audience in the
studio
You’re not just here to watch, you have to participate: with
applause, laughter... and most of all you must use your
imagination. A drama, a song, or a dance - a story of any sort is nothing without imagination. Let me show you what I mean.
Now I’m a famous television presenter, I’m blahblahblah years
old, and I’m successful… I am Neil Niceman! Well, it wasn’t
always like that. Once I was a schoolboy, I was fourteen years
old, and I was a failure… I was Neil Goodman!
I hope your imaginations are ready, because until the
programme starts I want to show you some of my story. The
story of when I was growing up. But you’ll have to help me:
imagine that I am a school boy; imagine that I’m in school;
imagine that I’m sitting in my classroom answering questions
by my school teacher.
He transforms into his younger self: Neil Goodman, an English schoolboy, and the scene
changes to a school classroom.
THE CLASSROOM
NOTE FOR TEACHERS
This school scene uses a trick theatre bench which has a leg missing which means
when the “good” schoolboy, Henry, stands, Neil falls to the ground. It contains
three questions that will be answered during the television programme.
Teacher
4
Good morning everybody.
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Boys
Teacher
Good morning sir.
I hope you are all here.
The Teacher reads the register and after each name the boy says “Here Sir!” and sits
down.
Neil
Teacher
Neil
Teacher
Boys
Teacher
Boys
Teacher
Neil
Teacher
Neil
Teacher
Neil
Teacher
Barry Allcock, Henry Bright, Christopher Callow, George
Dents, John English, and Neil Goodman.
Here Sir.
Good. I hope you’ve been preparing for the examination
tomorrow. I expect all of you to pass, even you Neil.
Yes, Sir.
And what must you do to pass examinations?
Work hard.
What must you do to be a success?
Work hard.
And what don’t you do Neil?
Work hard sir?
Exactly. You don’t work hard do you Neil?
Well I do try to…
You don’t work hard enough do you Neil?
No sir.
Good. The correct answer. The first and last I expect! Now, a
few questions to get you ready for the exam. Are you ready?
(they nod) Right, first question…
Henry stands with his hand in the air even before the question is finished. Neil stands
too and talks to the audience.
Neil
Teacher
Oh no! Here come the questions. I hardly ever get any right,
and Henry Bright — that’s the clever-looking one who sits
next to me in class — always gets all the answers right, which
makes me feel even more stupid. Let’s see how I do in the
test.
…and the first question is for Henry: “What is the name of
Britain’s Queen?”
Henry stands with hand in the air. The trick theatre bench lets Neil fall to the ground.
Yes Henry?
Henry goes to the blackboard card and writes ‘ELIZABETH’.
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The Great Britain Show
Good Henry. The name of Britain’s Queen is Elizabeth.
Henry returns to sit on the bench.
Now the next question is for Neil: “In which country can you
hear the sound of bagpipes?”
Neil stands, but can’t remember the answers, so he sits again.
Oh, dear. Such an easy question too. Does anyone else know
the answer?
Henry stands and again Neil falls to the floor.
Yes Henry?
Henry writes ‘SCOTLAND’ on the blackboard. Neil quietly turns the bench around while
Henry isn’t looking.
Good, very good. No problems there. You hear the sound
of bagpipes in Scotland. Next question, Henry: “What is
Shakespeare’s first name?”
Henry stands, and this time Neil doesn’t fall to the ground. Henry can’t remember the
answer.
Well Henry? You can’t remember?
Henry shakes his head and sits, disappointed.
Well perhaps Neil can tell us the answer: “What is
Shakespeare’s first name?”
Neil stands but miraculously Henry doesn’t fall to the ground. Neil sits down and stands
again but Henry remains sitting.
Neil
Teacher
Neil, I’m waiting for your answer. Do you know the answer or
not?
No, Sir.
Well as neither of you can remember the answer, I’ll have to
tell you the answer is…
Henry stands and waves his hand in the air.
You’ve remembered Henry? Well done. What is the answer?
Henry crosses to the blackboard and writes ‘WILLIAM’. Neil follows him and looks amazed
as Henry writes down the third correct answer.
6
Excellent answer. Yes, William is Shakespeare’s first name.
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Henry happily walks back to the bench and sits on Neil’s side. Neil returns to sit, notices
the switch, and uncomfortably sits down.
And now for the final question, either of you may answer:
“What is the name of England’s national drink?”
Henry leaps up, Neil crashes to the ground once again. Darkness.
The lights come up on the empty television studio.
Neil
So how are your imaginations? Did you manage to believe
that I was a schoolboy? Ok, I know it’s difficult, but from a
distance I look… um… sixteen. (Neil looks at the audience)
Eighteen? (pause) All right, twenty-five!
Let’s get on with my story. The next day I had a test and I
was worried that I wouldn’t get any of the answers right. But I
wasn’t a stupid boy; in fact I was clever at many things, but in
the classroom I couldn’t learn anything, however hard I tried.
So with my schoolbook, “British History”, which I had to study
for my exam, I arrived home…
THE TELEVISION & THE BOOK
We are in Neil’s childhood home - the television is on and he flicks through the
channels. There is nothing interesting so he turns it off and opens “British History”, his
schoolbook…
Neil
“Chapter 2. The Royal Family. Queen Elizabeth the Second is
the head of the British Royal Family.” Well that’s obvious! “She
is also head of the House of Windsor, the Church of England,
and the Commonwealth2. As head of the Commonwealth she
is not only the Queen of the Great Britain but also the Queen
of Canada, Australia and many other smaller countries around
the world…”
He shuts the book and puts it down.
2 It’s no good, I can’t learn all of this by tomorrow. This book is
too thick, and too boring!
My parents say if I don’t pass my exams I’ll never get a good
Commonwealth - an association of self-governing autonomous states loosely
associated in a common allegiance to the British crown.
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The Great Britain Show
job. My teacher says if I fail my exams I’ll have to repeat the
year. But I know I’ll fail... I hardly get any answers right!
He switches on the TV again, and we see a television announcer.
Announcer BBC programmes this evening continue with the first of a
new series: “The Great Britain Show”: a look at Britain and its
people.
Neil Niceman will take us from Scotland to London in this first
episode which includes an historic event: Queen Elizabeth’s
first ever interview!3
The Announcer holds a book which looks the same as Neil’s schoolbook.
Neil
The first 100 people to send an sms to the number 4242
will win the new BBC book “British History” signed by Neil
Niceman.
That’s my book!
He looks around but his book has disappeared.
Announcer But now it’s time to sit back and let Neil Niceman take us on a
journey around Great Britain!
Neil
How did my book get on television?
Announcer (speaking to Neil) Is this your book? Well you can have it. It
looks boring.
She throws the book off-screen and a giant version of the book appears next to Neil.
Book
Ow!
Neil
How did you do that?
Announcer If it’s your book take it. I don’t like books anyway.
The Book makes a muffled noise, but we can’t hear the words.
Neil
Are you all right?
More noises. Neil opens the book and we see a face in the pages which speaks.
Book
Neil
Book
Neil
3 8
(to the announcer) You can’t throw me around like that!
Are you hurt?
(to Neil) And you can keep quiet. You said I’m thick and boring!
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to...
Queen Elizabeth II has never given an interview.
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Book
You must respect books!
The Announcer disappears from the TV screen and appears “live” beside the book.
Announcer
Neil
Announcer
Book
Announcer
But you are boring.
(surprised and confused) How did you get here?
Please be quiet, I’m talking to your book.
I’m not boring, I’m useful.
To pass exams maybe. But why do I need you? Books are for
school.
Book
No, books are for everywhere, always: on the beach, on a
train, on Sunday morning in bed. We books can be fun.
Announcer You’re not fun.
Book
I’m a serious book: “British History”.
Announcer History should be fun too.
Neil
You don’t even have any pictures.
Book
Pictures? What do you think I am Dylan Dog? Internet!
Playstation! Television! Always pictures, pictures, pictures...
Don’t you kids have any imagination?
Neil
But some pictures might help. I need help otherwise I’ll never
pass my exam.
Book
Don’t worry, if you don’t pass you exam you can work in
television.
The Announcer and the Book walk off arguing.
Announcer
Book
Announcer
Book
Announcer
Book
Well that’s nice! So you think I’m stupid?
Did you pass your exams?
No. I have other talents.
I bet you have!
I can dance. Oh, and I can read too.
Well that is a surprise...
Neil is left alone.
Neil
Now what am I going to do? No book, and no television.
We hear the Announcer and the Book from offstage.
Both
Oh Neil... use your imagination!
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The Great Britain Show
THE GREAT BRITAIN SHOW
We see the title sequence of “The Great Britain Show”. A voice over speaks with a lot of
irony and humour (this is not serious!), and everything is illustrated with pictures and
film clips.
Voice over Great Britain!
Why is Britain great? When did it become great? Is it still
great?... Of course it is!!!
Where do you go if you want to eat fish and chips? Britain!
Where can you buy things with pounds and pence? Britain!
Where can you drive on the left-hand side of the road? Britain!
Just three good reasons why Britain is still great!
In France, Germany, Italy and Spain you use your right-hand
drive car to travel 3 kilometres to the shops, and buy a litre of
milk, 2 kilos of apples, and 10 metres of string, and you can
pay for it all in euros. But in Great Britain you can use your
left-hand drive car to travel 1.86 miles to the shops to buy 1.76
pints of milk, 4.4 pounds of apples, 32.8 feet of string, and
then you can pay in sterling! What fun!
What is it? Why is it? Where is it? How is it? All your questions
will be answered in “The Great Britain Show”!
And here’s your host... NEIL NICEMAN!
Neil
Hello! I’m Neil Niceman and this is “The Great Britain Show”.
Everything Neil says is illustrated on the giant television screen behind him.
During the next couple of hours our reporters will take us all
over Britain. Our reality cameras will spy on the British people
at home, at work and at play. We will see how they live and
where they live. We shall discover what they eat, what they
drink, and what they wear. So sit back, relax, and enjoy “The
Great Britain Show”.
He walks to the audience, and speaks to them.
In the studio today we have some Italians. Ciao Italia!
You’re with us today because this week we have two Italian
guests on the show. We’ll meet them later, because now it’s
time to meet our first guest.
Silent film music starts, and all the colours disappear.
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This man is truly multi-talented: an actor, a clown, a writer, a
director and the composer of this music you can hear now.
He was born in London more than one hundred years ago,
but we are delighted to have him on our show: ladies and
gentlemen, a big applause for... Charlie Chaplin!
CHARLIE CHAPLIN
Chaplin, dressed in black and white, enters. Outside a cinema he sees a film poster and
he falls in love with the beautiful actress on it. He enters the cinema, and sees her on the
screen. She magically comes out of the screen and his dream to meet her comes true. The
scene is underscored by silent film music, all written by Chaplin himself.
PUBLICITY
NOTE FOR TEACHERS
This scene uses alliteration, where the same sound appears at the beginning of two
or more consecutive words. Sometimes there are many together making a tonguetwister. This technique is often used in publicity to make a phrase memorable.
We see a giant teapot and a large box of tea.
Neil
Have you tried “Tasty Tea”, the tried and tested4 tea from
Twinings? Tip two teaspoonfuls into the Twining’s traditional
teapot
Neil puts two giant spoonfuls into the pot.
Top up the pot with hot water.
He pours a lots of (real!) water into the pot.
In just two ticks5 it’s time to taste the tea.
He pours brown coloured tear out of the pot into the giant cup. Then walks with the cup
toward the audience.
Who wants to be the first to try Twining’s “Tasty Tea”? Ah, I
think I can see a tea tester.
4 tried and tested - provato e testato
5 two ticks - un attimo
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The Great Britain Show
He points to the front rows of the audience. He finds a “victim”.
Do you want to taste the tea? No?! (he finds another victim)
Perhaps you’d like to taste the tea. Oh, you don’t either?
After several “victims” have refused Neil trips, and “tea” flies out of the cup and over
the audience.
Neil Niceman drinks Twining’s “Tasty Tea”: isn’t it time that you
tried “Tasty Tea” too!
THE QUEEN ON TV
NOTE FOR TEACHERS
Part of the following scene makes use of a confusion, common in English, where two
words sound the same but are spelt differently (homophones) and have different
meanings. Neil = the name of the presenter; kneel = to kneel down!
The scene changes to Buckingham Palace.
Neil
Now it’s time to meet our next guest. Ladies and gentlemen,
we are honoured to have with us tonight, the Queen of Great
Britain, our very special guest, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth
the Second!
The Queen enters with a band playing “God Save The Queen”
Queen
Neil
Queen
Neil
Queen
Neil
Queen
Neil
12
Your Majesty, we are very grateful that you accepted our
invitation to be on the programme tonight. (The Queen picks
up a sword)
Kneel.
Yes?
KNEEL!
YES?!
(shouting) Will you stop shouting! Kneel!
(shouting) Will you stop shouting! Your Majesty!
Now Mr Niceman, I don’t know where you were brought up,
but there are a couple of rules to obey in my presence. One is
that when I say “kneel” you must kneel down.
Oh. You mean “kneel” as in “kneel down”. I thought you were
saying my name “Neil” as in “Neil Niceman”.
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Queen
Mr Niceman please be quiet and kneel down.
Neil kneels down and the Queen knights6 him with the sword.
Neil
Queen
Arise Sir Neil.
Your Majesty, you are not here to knight me, you’re here to be
interviewed.
But I don’t give interviews. You’ve tricked me! GUARDS!
GUARDS! Throw him in the Tower7! Cut off his head, cut off
his head!
She runs toward Neil waving the sword, but he jumps over it, ducks under it, and escapes
and the Queen gets caught up in her long cloak.
Neil
Queen
Neil
Queen
Don’t worry, giving interviews is easy. I ask questions and you
answer them.
Is that all?
Yes.
All right Mr Niceman. Let’s try. First question.
As they sit the National Anthem starts. The Queen indicates that Neil should stand. He
doesn’t understand. She stamps on his foot and he leaps up.
Neil
Queen
Neil
Queen
Neil
Queen
Neil
Queen
Neil
Queen
Neil
Ow! What did you do that for?
It’s another little rule Mr Niceman. When you hear the National
Anthem you must stand up.
What?
It really is very simple: when I say “kneel” you must kneel
down, and when you hear the National Anthem you must
stand up.
Can I sit down now?
Oh yes! Let’s start the interview. How exciting!
Let’s talk about your family...
Certainly not. No.
But Your Majesty, why not?
Because it’s a little embarrassing.
Oh, you mean Camilla, and Fergie, and…
6 to knight - creare cavaliere
7 the Tower - the Tower of London, where two of Henry VIII’s six wives were
decapitated.
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Queen
Neil
Queen
Neil
Queen
Neil
Queen
Neil
Queen
Shhhhhhhh! Change the subject immediately Mr Niceman!
Well, let’s talk about your husband?
No.
Your children?
Certainly not.
Your grandchildren?
Never.
Then tell us about all your money...
NEIL!!!
He kneels immediately. The Queen turns round and doesn’t see him down on the floor.
Neil
Queen
Neil
Queen
Neil
Queen
Neil
Queen
Where are you?
Down here.
(she looks down at him) Why?
You said “kneel”
I didn’t mean that! Stand up immediately.
I can’t.
Why ever not?
They’re not playing the National Anthem.
Oh really!
She sings the National Anthem and Neil stands.
Neil
Queen
Neil
Now Neil... (she holds his arm to stop him from kneeling) Now
Mr Niceman, please stop jumping up and down and listen to
me: I am not going to answer silly questions about my family
or my money.
But Your Majesty, what can we talk about?
My dogs.
Your dogs?!
Her dogs start barking offstage.
Queen
Ah listen, they’ve heard you calling. Coming my pets…
She arrives with two Corgi dogs on a lead.
Neil
Queen
14
You can’t bring dogs into the studio.
Of course I can. I’m the Queen. I can do whatever I like! Now I
must go, it’s pee-pee time.
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Neil
Queen
(whispering) The bathroom is at the end of the corridor.
(she slaps his face) Not for me, silly, for the dogs.
One of the dogs cocks his leg against Neil’s trousers, and we hear a trickling sound.
Oh dear, too late! Mr Niceman, you’ve kept me talking for too
long, I must go.
The dogs pull her offstage, and as she exits the National Anthem is played.
Neil
But Your Majesty, you haven’t even answered one question.
Neil collapses into a chair. The Queen re-enters behind him.
Queen
Neil
NEIL!! (he kneels immediately) No, no no! Will you please
stand up when they’re playing the National Anthem (he
stands) That’s better. (she exits)
(talking to the audience) What a disaster! That’s the last
interview I do for this programme! (he tears up his list of
questions) Let’s continue... (he reads) next on “The Great
Britain Show” it’s time to meet one of today’s most popular
actors, Leonardo DiCaprio… (he tears up the page) No, I’m
sorry, I said no more interviews!
Neil carries on to tear up pages reading out names of some of the most famous personalities
that the audience knows (actors, singers, dancers, models etc). He looks at the next
page:
Ah, this is better, some culture.
(reads) Britain and Italy - a long way apart, or close together?
I’m not talking about kilometres or miles, but culture and
customs. For all the British in the audience your representative
is Mr John Bull; and for all the Italians, signor Mario Rossi!
BRITAIN and ITALY - John Bull and Mario Rossi
The Italian man, Mario Rossi, enters wearing clothes the colours of the Italian flag.
Voice-over
Mario
Voice-over
Mario
This is Mario Rossi.
Buongiorno.
He is a typical Italian man.
Sono un tipico uomo italiano.
As the Voice-over speaks we see lots of illustrations on the giant screen.
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The Great Britain Show
Voice-over The typical Italian man is 1.77 metres tall and weighs 78 kilos.
He has brown hair and brown eyes, and will live to be 78 years
old.8
The British man, John Bull, enters wearing clothes the colours of the British flag.
Voice-over
John
Voice-over
John
Voice-over
This is John Bull.
Hello.
He is a typical British man.
I am a typical British man.
The typical British man is also 1.77 metres tall and weighs 80
kilos. He has light coloured hair and light coloured eyes, and
will live to be 76 years old.
Mario Rossi and John Bull stand together, and the Voice-over talks about one, then the
other. There are now less facts, and more stereotypes!
The typical Italian man drives a Ferrari. The typical British man
drives a Rolls Royce.
The typical Italian man wears clothes by Giorgio Armani. The
typical British man wears clothes by Vivienne Westwood.
Most Italian men go shopping at Bulgari. Most British men go
shopping at Harrod’s.
Italian men love to read Dante’s “The Divine Comedy” at
least once a year. British men read the Complete Works of
Shakespeare at least sixteen times during a lifetime.
The Italian man’s favourite music is by Giuseppe Verdi, his
favourite pictures are by Leonardo da Vinci, and his favourite
films are by Vittorio De Sica.
The British man’s favourite music is by Henry Purcell, his
favourite pictures are by John Constable, and his favourite
films are by Alfred Hitchcock.
The following information is false or exaggerated - each man trying to out-do the other.
Everything they say is illustrated on the television screen. John Bull tells the audience:
John
Mario
8 16
Ladies and gentlemen, the description of the typical Italian
man is incorrect: the typical Italian man drives a pink FIAT
Panda, wears clothes made by his mother, and shops at Lidl.
Ladies and gentlemen, the description of the typical British
These facts are real, taken from the CIA World Factbook and ISTAT.
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man is also incorrect: the typical British man doesn’t have a
car! He wears brown jackets with red ties and black shoes (we
see an image of Mr Bean); and his wife does his shopping!
They get more agitated.
John
Mario
John
Mario
John
Mario
John
Mario
The typical Italian man only reads sms messages.
The typical British man can’t read.
His favourite music is “Il ballo del qua qua”.
His favourite music is the Teletubbies Song.
His favourite pictures are in the Gazzetta dello sport!
His favourite pictures are in his cell phone!
His favourite films are by Christian De Sica!
His favourite films are on You Tube!
The men start insulting each other, talking loudly.
John
The typical Italian man uses his hands when he speaks
because he can’t remember the words!
Mario Rossi encourages the audience to boo.
Mario
John
Mario
John
Mario
John
Mario
(talking loudly) The typical British man eats horrible food
because he has no taste9! (the audience cheers)
The Italians all shout! (boos)
The British are all ‘ooligans! (cheers)
(he doesn’t understand) OOligans?
(he emphasises the H sound, breathing in John’s face)
HHHooligans!
Italians smell!
The British10 are ugly!
They start fighting.
John
Mario
John
Stop, we’re being stupid.
Yes, we’re being immature.
I’m sorry, I know that the Italians don’t smell. (he holds his
nose)
9 The phrase “he has no taste” can mean that he can’t taste his food, or he has no
sense of style - the same as the Italian word “gusto”.
10 It is possible to say “Britons are ugly!”, but it’s not usual in everyday speech.
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The Great Britain Show
Mario
John
Mario
John
Both
Mario
John
And I know that the British aren’t ugly. (he covers his eyes)
“Vive La Différence!” (they shake hands)
What did you say?
Vive la différence. It’s French.
Oh no! Not the FRENCH!
But we must have something in common...
Yes, there must be something...
ACT ONE FINALE
In the musical finale of Act One, the two men find that they do have something in common,
football, and as the curtains close they score a goal.
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ACT TWO
NEIL’S NIGHTMARE
In the dark we hear Neil’s nightmare as a schoolboy, the voices are strange and
distorted:.
Teacher
Neil
Teacher
Neil
Teacher
Neil
Teacher
Neil
Teacher
What is the name of Britain’s Queen?
William.
Wrong! What is the name of England’s national drink?
Whisky.
Wrong! What is Shakespeare’s first name?
Elizabeth.
Wrong! Where can you hear the sound of bagpipes?
I don’t know, I don’t know…
Wrong, wrong, wrong!
The voice gets louder and louder and the lights come on as Neil sits up in bed.
Neil
Oh, I must have been dreaming. But it’s not just a dream, it’s
what will happen tomorrow at school. I know I won’t get any
questions right.
The television switches on.
Announcer
Neil
Announcer
Neil
Announcer
Neil
Announcer
Neil
Oh yes you will.
Oh no I won’t.
You will if you stop being so negative.
But I’m not being… Who spoke?
I did. Your television.
Oh, I must be dreaming again.
No you’re not dreaming, but you should be. If you don’t sleep
you’ll be too tired to answer the questions tomorrow.
I’m going mad.
Neil changes the channel with the remote control, but we see the same presenter on
another channel.
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The Great Britain Show
Announcer You won’t get rid of me that easily! (he changes the channel
again) I’m still here, so stop changing channels and listen to
me.
Neil
What do you want?
Announcer No, what do you want?
Neil
I want to pass my exam.
Announcer Good. If you really want to, if you try as hard as you can, I
think you’ll pass your exam. But first you must get to sleep.
Just relax, close your eyes, and sleep…
The bed disappears we hear the same voice announce the next item on the programme.
Welcome back to “The Great Britain Show”. We have our
cameras at Wembley Stadium, so now some music from the
great Freddie Mercury!
FREDDIE AND MR SHAKESPEARE
NOTE FOR TEACHERS
William Shakespeare invented about 1700 words and sayings that we still use
today, (words like bedroom, lonely, generous, etc) but language evolves continually,
and even he is completely confused by the “modern” words used by Freddie
Mercury.
Freddie Mercury11 is singing “We are the Champions”. William Shakespeare12 walks on
stage with his hands over his ears. He trips over Freddie’s microphone cable plugged in
to the wall. He pulls it out. The music stops suddenly.
William
Freddie
William
Freddie
William
Ah! This must be yours. (he gives Freddie the plug) I found it
over there.
You found it?
Yes. It was sticking out of the wall. Very dangerous! So I pulled
it out. (he realises that the music has stopped) Well, it looks as
though that horrible music has stopped.
Horrible music?
A dreadful noise.
11 Freddie Mercury: 1946 - 1991
12 William Shakespeare: 1564 - 1616
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Freddie
William
Freddie
William
Freddie
William
Freddie
William
Freddie
William
What are you, a music critic?
No, a playwright: William Shakespeare.
Hi! (he shakes his hand) I’m Freddie Mercury, the rock
musician. (he does a dance movement and his fans scream)
What is a rock musician?
You know: “rock and roll”? (William shakes his head) “Pop
music”? (he shakes his head again) That “dreadful noise”.
That was you? Oh I am sorry. How rude of me.
Don’t worry about it Willy. My fans still love me. (he does some
moves again and his fans scream)
Freddie, I’m confused. Things have changed so much in fourhundred years: the television, these electric lights, and this
type of… er… “music”. Almost everything is different.
I suppose it must be.
Fashions have changed too. Your clothes are very strange.
Freddie is wearing 1980s tight white trousers and a black leather jacket.
Freddie
Well so are yours!
William is wearing an Elizabethan tunic.
But this isn’t what I normally wear. I only wore it for this
programme.
Freddie moves his hips again and the fans scream. William looks at the audience.
William
Freddie
William
Freddie
Why do they make all that noise when you do that?
Because it’s sexy! (more moves and more screams) Why don’t
you try?
I don’t think I can.
Have a go!
William does the same movements as Freddie, but the audience boos; Freddie demonstrates
again and the audience screams; William tries again and falls against the scenery. He is
out of breath, and the audience laughs.
Freddie
William
Freddie
Perhaps you’d better stop. You might have a heart attack.
(exhausted) Why aren’t you out of breath?
Well I go to the gym three times a week for a work-out.
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William
Freddie
William
Freddie
William
Freddie
William
Freddie
William
Freddie
William
Work-out?
Yeah, work-out (he demonstrates) You need to get with it.
Get with it?
Yeah, get modern. Why don’t you come to a gig13 sometime?
Gig?
Give me your email and I’ll send you the info.
Email?
Your email. (William doesn’t understand) Ah, no internet? Then
I’ll send you an sms? (he still doesn’t understand) Don’t you
have a mobile14? (William shakes his head) Then give me your
home phone? (William is confused) No phone? How do you
communicate? With a tom-tom?
No, with paper and pen: I write letters.
Letters? (now Freddie doesn’t understand) Like a fax?
Fax? Oh Freddie, I used to be so good with words, but I’m
sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about!
The fans get bored and start chanting “Freddie, Freddie!”
Freddie
William
Freddie
William
I think I’d better get on: my fans are waiting.
Of course, I’ve ruined your song. I’m so sorry. (he starts to
exit)
Willy, plug this in for me will you!
Yes of course. Goodbye Freddie!
William plugs in the microphone and Freddie finishes his song to cheering from his fans.
Neil
Thank you, Freddie Mercury! Now we return to the studio with
our next guests who have come all the way from Scotland: the
MacDonald Brothers!
13 gig - concerto
14 mobile phone or cell phone
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THE MacDONALD BROTHERS
NOTE FOR TEACHERS
Different regions of Great Britain have different dialects, different vocabularies,
and Wales even has a different language. Scotland has it’s own literature, music
and traditions. The poem quoted here is perhaps the most famous Scottish poem,
which was written by Robbie Burns15.
Inside a Scottish castle. Jimmy MacDonald enters wearing a tartan kilt and playing Scottish
music on the bagpipes16. He puts the bagpipes down and opens a book of poetry.
Jimmy
Hello. I’m Jimmy MacDonald. I want to introduce you to
Scottish culture, and I will start by reading a wee17 poem by
Robbie Burns, the great Scottish poet. Then my brother Angus
and I will dance a traditional Scottish jig18.
First, the poem: “A Red, Red Rose” by Robbie Burns: (clears
his throat and starts to recite)
“My love is like a red, red rose,
That’s newly sprung in June.
My love is like the melody
That’s sweetly played in…”
There is a loud sound of screeching bagpipes. Jimmy crosses to his bagpipes on the
floor - he is puzzled.
I’m very sorry. I’ll start again. “A Red, Red Rose” by Robbie
Burns:
My love is like a red, red rose,
That’s newly sprung in…
There is another screech of bagpipes. Jimmy picks up his bagpipes and examines them.
Ladies and gentlemen, I do apologise for these rude
interruptions. Once again, “A Red, Red Rose” by Robbie
Burns:
Clears his throat, and as he opens his mouth to speak we hear someone crying.
15 Robert Burns: 1759 - 1796. National poet of Scotland who wrote lyrics and songs in
the Scottish dialect.
16 bagpipes - cornamuse
17 wee - Scottish word meaning small
18 jig - giga
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Who dares interrupt Scotland’s greatest poet?
Angus enters. His tie isn’t straight and his socks have fallen down.
Angus
Jimmy
Angus
Jimmy
Oh it’s you Angus. I should have guessed. Were you trying to
play your bagpipes?
(crying) No!
It sounded like bagpipes.
Noooooo!
If it wasn’t the bagpipes, what was it?
Angus fetches his cat.
Angus
I trod on my cat.19
Jimmy looks puzzled, so Angus demonstrates by treading on his cat again and we hear the
bagpipe noise.
Jimmy
Angus
Jimmy
Angus
Jimmy
Angus how could you? (Jimmy realises that Angus has been
drinking) Oh Angus, you’re not... (Angus holds an empty
whisky bottle) Angus, you’ve been drinking again. I told you no
more whisky until we’d finished the programme.
Programme?
The television programme. You know we’re doing our Scottish
dance demonstration now.
Oh, I’d forgotten.
You’ve forgotten? (Angus whispers in Jimmy’s ear) You can’t?
You’re too drunk? Well I’m sorry Angus, you’ll have to, (he
points to the television camera) all these people are waiting.
I would like to apologise once more for these interruptions, but
now my brother Angus and I will dance for you a traditional
Scottish jig. Music maestro please!
A SCOTTISH DANCE
During the traditional Scottish dance Angus wants to drink his whisky. Eventually Jimmy
gives his brother a miniature bottle of whisky to keep him happy and Angus exits. Jimmy
then finds a giant bottle which Angus has hidden and, after drinking it all, he finishes
the dance.
Neil
19 24
A big applause for the MacDonald brothers! Next on “The
There is an old joke that bagpipes sound like a cat in pain.
Arcadia Productions
Great Britain Show” we have two very special guests, from two
very special countries: Dame Britannia from Britain, and Dame
Italia from Italy... but first the publicity. Don’t go away!
PUBLICITY BREAK
While the publicity is showing on the big screen, Angus MacDonald returns, searching for
something.
Angus
Where’s my whisky? (he finds his bottle – empty) It’s all gone!
Jimmy has drunk it all. (he laughs) But I’ve got a secret bottle.
He finds his giant whisky bottle, but it has been emptied by Jimmy.
Oh no! He’s finished this bottle too! He doesn’t want me to
drink so that he can drink it all himself.
Well he’s not going to get away with it20: I’ve got a plan!
He gets out a large mousetrap.
This will teach him not to steal my whisky!
He opens the mousetrap, tests it and the trap closes viciously. He laughs. He opens it
again and puts his miniature bottle of whisky where the cheese normally goes, and puts
it on a chair.
Now I’ll go and hide, and wait to catch Jimmy red-handed21! (to
the audience) Keep quiet! Shhh…
Angus hides, but instead of his brother Jimmy, Dame Britannia enters wearing a pantomime22
costume. She pours herself a cup of tea, but when she sees the whisky she puts the tea
down and takes the bottle. The trap doesn’t work. Angus comes out of hiding.
Angus
Britannia
Angus
Britannia
Angus
That’s my bottle.
(she drinks all the whisky and gives him the empty bottle) Here
it is.
But it’s empty.
Of course it’s empty, I’ve just emptied it. (she burps) Delicious!
Oh, it didn’t work.
20 to get away with - farla franca
21 red-handed - con le mani nel sacco
22 pantomime - originally based on the Italian commedia dell’arte, and later used to tell
fairy tales for all the family.
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Britannia
Angus
Britannia
What didn’t work?
Oh, nothing. (he whistles innocently)
(to the audience) What a strange little man! Now where’s my
tea? It’ll be getting cold.
Britannia takes the cup and goes to sit on the stool where the trap is. She is about to sit
down when Angus stops her.
Angus
Britannia
Angus
Britannia
Angus
Stop! You can’t sit down!
Oh yes I can. (she starts to sit but Angus interrupts)
No you can’t. It’s… it’s… bad luck.
Bad luck? How ridiculous! (she starts to sit again)
Yes, it’s bad luck to… er…
Angus has to think of something quickly to stop her sitting down.
Britannia
Angus
Britannia
Angus
Britannia
...er ...sit down with an empty cup in your hand.
But this is a full cup. (she is about to sit when Angus takes the
cup and drinks the tea)
Oh no it’s not.
Really! That was my tea! (she fills the cup up again and is
about to sit when Angus shouts)
Look over there!
Where?
Britannia looks where he is pointing, but remembers her cup and holds it tightly front of
her. Angus fetches a long straw, places it over her shoulder into the cup, and drinks all the
tea without Britannia seeing.
You silly man! There’s nothing there!
She is about to sit when she sees that her cup is empty again.
How strange! I’m sure it was full just now!
She goes to the teapot but Angus runs and gets there before her. He drinks all the tea
directly from the teapot.
I’ve never known such rude behaviour! If you wanted some tea
all you had to do was ask!
Angus starts hiccuping loudly.
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There, that will teach you to drink in a hurry! (he hiccups
again) Oh dear, you poor thing. (he is hiccupping violently)
Come on, come with me.
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Britannia leads Angus to the chair and sits him down. There is a loud “snap” as the
mousetrap closes. The hiccups stop immediately and Angus goes red with pain, but doesn’t
make a sound.
Ah, have the hiccups stopped? (he nods, still in pain) Good,
but remember to sip your tea in the future. (he nods) And
enough of that nonsense about “bad luck”. (he nods) Now off
you go, I’m going to sing for the television programme. (she
pushes him off) Goodbye.
As she turns to face the audience we hear a loud scream offstage. The publicity on the
screen is finishing.
Neil
Welcome back to “The Great Britain Show”. Now let’s hear a
big round of applause for Dame Britannia and Dame Italia!
DAME BRITANNIA AND DAME ITALIA
NOTE FOR TEACHERS
The pantomime Dame is an essential part of the traditional British pantomime,
a theatre show for all the family, usually at Christmas-time. Characters such as
the Ugly Sisters in Cinderella are played by men, with exaggerated costumes, and
their scenes are always very funny, full of double meanings! Our two “Ugly Sisters”
are Dame Britannia and Dame Italia in a typical pantomime scene.
The scene is of Tower Bridge in London with storm clouds. Dame Britannia puts up her
umbrella and sings “Singing in the Rain”. Before she has finished Dame Italia enters
carrying a yellow parasol and singing “O Sole Mio”.
Britannia
Italia
Britannia
Italia
Britannia
Italia
Britannia
Italia
Britannia
Excuse me! (Dame Italia stops singing) This is my song!
(she speaks with an Italian accent) I’m sorry, but the director
asked me to rescue the show. He said that the audience was
getting depressed with all this rain.
And who are you?
Dame Italia of course! (we hear the first phrase of “Fratelli
d’Italia”)
Yes, I should have guessed by your ridiculous accent.
And you are…?
Dame Britannia. (we hear the first phrase of “Rule Britannia”)
Ah, that’s why there’s all this rain.
…and this is my song! (she closes her umbrella and wields it
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Italia
like a sword) So get off the stage, pizza-face.
Attenzione, brutta inglesona, (Italia closes her parasol) I’m an
excellent ombrellista!
They start a comic duel with the umbrella and parasol. The sleeve of Britannia’s costume
is torn off.
Britannia
Italia
Britannia
Italia
Now look what you’ve done! You’ve ruined my dress!
A dress? Oh, in Britain you call that a dress do you? In Italy we
call this a schifezza.
Well ok, you’ve ruined my “schifezza”!
(Italia tears off the other sleeve) There, that’s better.
Britannia is furious, and tears off a part of Italia’s dress.
Italia
Britannia
Italia
Britannia
Italia
Britannia
Italia
Britannia
Italia
Britannia
Italia
Britannia
Italia
Britannia
Italia
Britannia
Italia
Britannia
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Maledizione! This is Dolce & Gabbana’s latest dress!
(laughing) Don’t tell me it took two people to design that!
Shut up! Stefano and Domenico are two of my best friends.
Impossible! Only your enemies would give you that to wear!
I’m their muse, their inspiration.
Ah, that’s why it’s so ugly.
What did you say?!
Ugly. (Britannia crosses to Italia and slaps her on alternating
cheeks as she spells:) U-G-L-Y, ugly!
Well your dress is more than ugly it’s… it’s… (she thinks of a
much longer word) bruttissima.
What?
(she crosses to Britannia and slaps her on each cheek after
each letter) B-R-U-T-T-I-S-S-I-M-A, bruttissima!
(Britannia is furious) What does that mean?
What does what mean?
That word you just said.
Ah, you mean (slaps) B-R-U-T-….(Britannia runs away)
Yes, yes, that’s the word. What does it mean?
(Italia opens a dictionary, and hands it to Britannia) Pagenine.
Pa-jay-ni-nay? (she looks puzzled and then realizes that it is
Dame Italia’s Italian pronunciation) Oh, “page nine”, not “pajay-ni-nay”! Now where is it? (she reads) “Bruciata… bruffolo…
brusca…” ah here it is, “Bruttissima…”
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She reads the definition, closes the book and shouts angrily at Italia.
How dare you!
Britannia rips another part of Italia’s dress and it falls apart leaving Italia in her underwear.
Britannia laughs.
Italia
Britannia
Italia
Britannia
Italia
Britannia
Italia
Britannia
Italia
(offended) Why are you laughing?
You’re squeezed so tightly into that underwear that you look
like Sabrina Ferrilli... after she’s eaten ten bowls of spaghetti.
I borrowed this underwear from Paris Hilton.
It thought you’d borrowed it from Maurizio Costanzo!
I am a top model.
(she walks behind Italia and slaps her large bottom) Well,
you’re certainly not a bottom model.
Oh hah hah hah! I suppose you think you’re funny?
As a matter of fact, I do! (she laughs)
Well I’ll show you something really funny! (she holds out her
mirror) Look here.
Britannia looks into the mirror, it cracks and glass falls to the floor. Italia starts to
laugh.
Britannia
Italia
Britannia
Italia
(crying) I know I’m not attractive.
Don’t worry, I’ll teach you.
(she stops crying) Teach me?
Of course, it’s easy. Watch…
DANCE OF THE TWO DAMES
Italia dances a “sexy” dance to the music of Mambo Italiano. Britannia, suddenly full
of confidence, takes over and dances like a professional. At the end of the comic dance
Britannia pushes Italia offstage and takes all the applause herself.
THE TELEVISION & THE BOOK
Book
Brava! Brava! I rather enjoyed that.
Announcer So you liked our television show?
Book
Yes I did. All that music and dancing was great fun. But I feel
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like William Shakespeare...
Announcer What do you mean?
Book
I used to be so good with words...
Announcer Well you are a book.
Book
...but I’m feeling a little out-of-date, rather old-fashioned.
Perhaps I need to be rewritten.
Television A new edition? Oh, how exciting! Just think, a new design,
colour pictures and a glamorous cover. Perhaps Neil will find
you more interesting.
Book
Oh Neil! I’d forgotten all about him. And he’s got his exam
tomorrow.
Television Now don’t worry about him. I think he’ll be all right.
THE CLASSROOM
Teacher
Neil
Teacher
Neil
Teacher
Neil
Teacher
Neil
Teacher
What is the name of Britain’s Queen?
Elizabeth!
Yes Neil, “Elizabeth” is the right answer. Which instrument do
you hear in Scotland?
Bagpipes!
Good Neil. The next question. What’s is Shakespeare’s first
name?
William!
Excellent Neil. And now the final question. What is the name of
England’s national drink?
Tea!
Congratulations Neil. Full marks. Well done!
THE END
Neil
30
(to the audience) I did it! I passed my test! I got all the answers
right. My teacher was pleased with me, my parents were
happy, and Henry looked angry because I got more answers
right than he did.
I carried on with school for another few years. I wasn’t brilliant,
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but I worked hard, and I was ok. I also started to use my
imagination. What did I want to do with my life? I dreamt about
becoming... no, not a television presenter, I dreamt about
becoming a school teacher.
Well I changed, and my dream changed, and then my name
changed too: little Neil Goodman became Neil Niceman.
Music starts to play.
I’d better go and change. The show’s about to start. Wow,
these last two hours have passed quickly. I hope you haven’t
been too bored waiting. Well anyway, now it’s time to sit back,
relax and enjoy “The Great Britain Show”!
On the giant TV we see the opening titles of the real show, and the all the characters
that we, the audience, have already seen are presented. The last is the Book which is
now full of colour pictures.
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