Understanding Criticism and Contempt
What is it?
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Intentional Insults and Psychological Abuse
Name-calling
Hostile Humor
Mockery
Dismissive or contemptuous body language (eye-rolling, sneer)
Improving Communication:
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Remove the Blame – Stop fault finding
Don’t Criticize Your Partner’s Personality
Don’t Analyze Your Partner’s Personality, History or Family
Don’t Insult, mock, or use sarcasm
Don’t Mind Read “…yes it was, that’s what you meant!”
Don’t Spend Time Arguing About Who Said What to Whom
Don’t be Domineering:
“I’ll respond only when I see fit.”
“When I want your opinion, I’ll ask for it.”
Your Tone can be Threatening or Patronizing, Slow and Deliberate in being Adamant:
o You express that “It’s my point of view, and nothing’s going to change it.”
Your Tone Can be Condescending – (Like your partner is a child and needs teaching.)
DO
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Say How You Feel
Own Your Grievances
Be Direct
Be Specific As Possible When You Complain
The more concrete your grievance, the more you’ll improve your partner’s understanding
of why you’re upset.
Complains are a set of directions: Think XYZ
“When you did (or didn’t do) X, in situation Y, I felt Z.”
Seventy-five Hurtful Things You Shouldn’t Say During a Fight
1. I told you so. (Especially with an attitude)
2. You are so irritating.
3. I wish I never met you.
4. I was such a fool to marry you.
5. You are such a fool.
6. My ex- would never do a thing like that.
7. I cannot forgive you for this one.
8. Your family sucks.
9. Why can’t you be like that woman or that man?
10. My life was better without you.
11. You have brought me nothing but misery.
12. I want a divorce.
13. You need to go learn how to treat a man/a woman.
14. Your parents didn’t raise you right, that’s why you behave so badly towards me.
15. Your parents didn’t model a good marriage to you, no wonder we have to go
through all of this.
16. What will you ever do right in your life?
17. You are the greatest mistake I have ever made in life.
18. I hate you. I hate your guts.
19. Die! I wish you were dead!
20. Kill yourself, will you? Do me a favor.
21. I hope you die a slow, painful death.
22. If you had a brain, you’d be dangerous.
23. I can’t believe how lazy/stupid/evil you are.
24. I’ve never loved you.
25. I should have listened to X, and never married you.
26. When will you grow up and take some responsibilities in this home?
27. Don’t touch me with those filthy hands of yours!
28. You will not amount to much.
29. Shut your dirty mouth. or Shut up!!!
30. I could care less what you have to say /what you feel…
31. I’m just trying to stay together until our last one leaves for college.
32. You’re just like your father/mother.
33. You know what’s wrong with you? or You know what your problem is? (No one
ever says “No, please tell me…”) ANSWER: Yes, it’s talking to me right now.
34. This kid is just like you… screw-up/lazy/stupid, etc
35. I’ve been faking it in bed. You knew that, right?
36. Who could be attracted to YOU?
37. To a stay-at-home spouse: "I pay your way in this world so you will do as I say."
38. You think you’re so smart/talented/sexy etc.
39. You disgust me.
40. Would you shut up and let me talk for once?
41. Whatever.
42. You have got to be kidding me
43. Leave me alone!
44. Are you being serious right now?
45. You're mad because of that?!
46. I can't believe this!
47. Whatever then, do what you want.
48. I don't care. or I don’t care what you do.
49. You bring up the stupidest things.
50. So this is all my fault now?
51. I did NOTHING wrong.
52. There you go, always making me look like the bad guy.
53. You’re paranoid/crazy/ignorant you know that?
54. Ya, I did it, what’s wrong with that? And I’d do it again!
55. Can you just shut up and stop talking about that?!
56. I’ll never forgive you for that…
57. I can’t believe you’d be so insensitive/selfish/rude. You KNEW it would upset
me/ruin my day/hurt my feelings…
58. I wouldn’t have done that rude/invasive/obnoxious thing, if you hadn’t done X.
59. You were attractive before you let yourself go…
60. I wouldn’t have had the affair if you were nicer/sexier/richer/etc
61. You HAVE no friends!
62. You are a failure.
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You are such a loser.
You disgust me.
What an idiot!
I wish you had never been born!
Get out! I don’t care where you go!
I could smack you right now.
Keep it up… (A threat.)
Say that one more time and I’ll…(A threat.)
You mean nothing to me.
You are such a liar, you know that?
And you expect me to believe that?
Mocking their words by repeating them with an attitude
So what if I hurt your feelings? What’s that got to do with me?