TRANSFORMED
How God Changes Us
Rick Warren
Group Study 5
Relational Health
T R A N S F O R M E D
How God Changes Us
Rick Warren
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In this session we’re gonna talk about a fifth key area of our health, our relational health.
God has a plan and purpose for our relationships, friendships, and connections with others.
When it comes to friends, there are typically 2 kinds of friendships: casual friends and
intentional friends.
CASUAL friends are the result of CIRCUMSTANCES.
INTENTIONAL friends are the result of CHOICES.
Intentional friends typically become close friends. And it's the close friends we want to talk
about in this session. We can't be close friends with everybody, we have to be selective, and
we choose who our close friends are. And the wiser our choice is - the better the friend.
And the writers of the books that make up the Bible had a lot to say about the friends we
choose.
Listen to what Israel's wisest king had to say about the friends we choose to hang with:
"A mirror reflects a man's face, but what he is really like is shown by the kind of
friends he chooses." Proverbs 27:19 LB
The friends we choose reveal something about our character and things we value.
Listen to another thing King Solomon had to say about the friends we choose:
"The righteous choose their friends carefully." Proverbs 12:26 NIV
Now again, this is talking about our intentional friends - the ones we choose to grow a close
friendship with.
Group Question

Why do you think God wants us to choose our close friends carefully?
T R A N S F O R M E D
How God Changes Us
Rick Warren
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So because of their strong influence over us, we can see why we should exercise wisdom when
choosing who we are going to be in close friendship with.
Now before we look at more advice from the writers of the Bible on the kinds of close friends
we should choose, let's look at their counsel regarding the type of people we shouldn't choose
as close friends.
FIVE KINDS of PEOPLE to NOT BE IN CLOSE FRIENDSHIP WITH:
LAZY people
ANGRY people
IMMORAL people
GREEDY people
UNBELIEVING people
Now this doesn't mean we disassociate from people with these traits, after all, who are we to
judge, we all have our own brokenness to deal with, true? But we don't intentionally get into
deep, committed, close relationship with people who habitually struggle in these areas. And
why not? Because of what we said before, they will have great influence over us - how we think
- how we act - how we choose to do life.
Being in close friendships with the wrong people is one of the top reasons for Christians missing
God's purposes and plans for their lives.
Now Christ didn't teach us to "write people off." The people He actually said not to bother
pursuing were those who had thought they'd “arrived” - the Pharisees with their own false
teaching about the Kingdom; and those who were too proud and too foolish to listen; and then
also those who flat out rejected the Kingdom Message.
"Watch out! Jesus warned them. Beware of the yeast of the Pharisees and
Sadducees. At this they began to argue with each other because they hadn't
brought any bread. Jesus knew what they were saying, so He said…Why can't
you understand that I'm not talking about bread? Then at last they understood
that He wasn't speaking about the yeast in bread, but about the deceptive
teaching of the Pharisees and Sadducees." From Matthew 16:6-12 NLT
T R A N S F O R M E D
How God Changes Us
Rick Warren
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"Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do,
they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces."
Matthew 7:6 NIV
"If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or
town and shake the dust off your feet." Matthew 10:14 NIV
The lesson here is for us not to waste our energy on those who are absolutely closed to us and
the Message of Reconciliation. We still love them as Jesus taught; but we are released from
trying be-friend and trying to communicate the Gospel to those who are absolutely closed off
to us and our message.
Group Question

Now we're not supposed to be in close friendships with the lazy, angry, immoral,
greedy, unbelievers, but we're supposed to be making disciples of all people. So how
are to reach broken people without them influencing us away from our Lord?
Now let's shift gears and look at Scriptural teachings for who we should have close friendships
with.
CHOOSE CLOSE FRIENDS WHO WILL:

CHALLENGE me mentally.
Do your friends stretch you mentally - do they make you think? Do they help you evaluate your
choices with God's wisdom?
King Solomon wrote this:
"He who walks with the wise grows wise." Proverbs 13:20a NIV
And this next one is similar:
"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17 NIV
T R A N S F O R M E D
How God Changes Us
Rick Warren
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A second kind of close friend I want to choose is this.
CHOOSE CLOSE FRIENDS WHO WILL:

SUPPORT me emotionally
This one is especially important when we're going through a tough time. And Solomon said this
about a type of friend to choose:
"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." Proverbs 17:17 NIV
Paul encouraged Christians to not bail on each other when adversity would strike but be
available to help out:
"Bear one another's burdens." Galatians 6:2 NIV
What's a burden? Anything that weighs you down. The kind of friend you want to be and the
type of friendship you want to pursue is the type of person who will help when there's a need,
not leave just because there's difficulties.
A third kind of close friend I want to choose is this.
CHOOSE CLOSE FRIENDS WHO WILL:

STRENGTHEN me spiritually
Paul described positive characteristics of our close friends:
"Encourage one another and build each other up." 1 Thessalonians 5:11 NIV
And the writer of Hebrews encouraged Christians this way:
"Spur one another on toward love and good deeds." Hebrews 10:24 NIV
Do my closest friends encourage me this way? Do yours?
T R A N S F O R M E D
How God Changes Us
Rick Warren
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We all need spiritual encouragers. And we all need to be an encourager in someone else's life.
These are the valuable kind of friendships we should have as close friendships in our lives.
This kind of spiritual encouragement is much like that offered by a spiritual mentor. Each of us
should have a spiritual mentor and each of us should have a spiritual apprentice. This dual role
of being a mentor to someone while also being an apprentice helps keep us humbly learning
while also keeping us from stagnating as we pass on to others the wisdom and experience
we've gained along our journey with Christ.
If we want to attract these kinds of friends into our lives, then we have to be this kind of friend
to others. The way we relate to and treat others will draw people with similar traits into our
lives. It reciprocates like so many things in life. But it can reciprocate negatively or positively
and that choice is ours.
Group Question

We all need spiritual encouragers in our lives. Who is a spiritual encourager to you?
What are some ways they encourage you?

A close friend challenges us mentally, supports us emotionally, and strengthens us
spiritually. Which of these characteristics do you need to develop most in your life right
now?
Now there are definitely some things we can practice from principles found in Scripture that
will help us build healthy friendships.
HOW TO BUILD HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS
Here’s the 1st thing we can do to build healthy friendships.

Get interested in OTHER PEOPLE.
We need to try not to be so focused on ourselves and choose to take an interest in others.
Selfishness is a guarantee for loneliness. If we're supposed to pursue close friendships with the
right kind of people we've got to get away from selfishness.
T R A N S F O R M E D
How God Changes Us
Rick Warren
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Listen to how Solomon connected the idea of selfishness and unfriendly people:
"Unfriendly people care only about themselves." Proverbs 18:1 NLT
Converted Christian hater Paul said it this way:
"Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests
of others." Philippians 2:4 NKJV
A 2nd thing that will help in building healthy friendships is this:

Don't be a CHRONIC COMPLAINER.
In his same letter to the Christians in Philippi, Paul wrote this:
"Do everything without complaining and arguing, so that no one can criticize
you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a
world full of crooked and perverse people." Philippians 2:14-15 NLT
It's tough to never complain. This world is broken and there's a lot we could complain about.
But if we want to have close, healthy friendships, then we've got to complain less.
A 3rd thing that will help in building healthy friendships is this:

Be a GOOD LISTENER.
Jesus' brother, James encouraged fellow Christians this way, he wrote:
"Be quick to listen and slow to speak." James 1:19 CEV
A fun exercise to help us learn the art of listening is to try this the next time you're at a party.
Find a complete stranger and engage them in conversation but get them talking about
themselves, try not to talk about yourself. Ask them questions and follow up questions about
what they're telling you which shows that you are listening.
T R A N S F O R M E D
How God Changes Us
Rick Warren
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Solomon said it this way:
"Counsel in the heart of a man is like deep water; but a man of understanding
will draw it out." Proverbs 20:5 KJV
Being a good listener is a positive quality to have and it causes people to like us. When people
like us we have a better ability to influence them. When we're walking with Christ and listening
to people, we have great potential to influence them for the Kingdom.
A 4th thing that will help in building healthy friendships is this:

Accept people UNCONDITIONALLY.
Paul, writing to Jesus followers in Rome said this:
"Accept one another…just as Christ accepted you." Romans 15:7 NIV
Did Christ wait until we were perfect to accept us? No. Did He disapprove of our sinful
lifestyles? Yes. But He still died to pay for our sins. Acceptance is not approval. We can accept
people while not approving of their brokenness. And because we're all broken, there's no room
for judging others because of their sinful behavior - we all have sinful behavior of some sort or
another.
Lots of times we hurt relationships by trying to correct or fix the people we're connected to.
We cannot have a quality relationship with a person until we give up on trying to change or fix
other peoples' brokenness. It's not even our job, by the way, it's the Holy Spirit's job to do that
kind of work in our lives.
Biblical friendship is unconditional. Remember what Solomon wrote?
"A friend loves at all times." Proverbs 17:17a NIV
Christ-like love is best shown by our unconditional acceptance of others. This is why people
were so drawn to Jesus when He was here, He didn’t come to judge or condemn. He just loved
people, empathized with their suffering, blessed them and lightened their burdens, and gave
them hope through the Message of the Kingdom - we could be reconciled with our Creator if
we trusted Messiah.
T R A N S F O R M E D
How God Changes Us
Rick Warren
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A 5th thing that will help in building healthy friendships is this:

Help people FEEL SIGNIFICANT.
Paul taught this principle saying this in his letter to the Roman Christians:
"Honor one another above yourselves." Romans 12:10 NIV
Paul said it another way to the Philippian Christians:
"Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as
better than yourselves." Philippians 2:3 NLT
This doesn't mean we demean ourselves and talk about ourselves as being worthless. But it
does mean our focus is on encouraging others and finding ways to truthfully communicate the
value we see in them.
A 6th thing that will help in building healthy friendships is this:

Be SYMPATHETIC.
Paul explained how to show sympathy toward people, listen to this:
"Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep."
Romans 12:15 NKJV
Pretty complicated, huh? But in a cold hearted, intolerant, harsh world, being happy for
someone and not envious of their win really stands out and is an attractive quality. People
want friends like that.
A 7th thing that will help in building healthy friendships is this:

Stick with them in TOUGH TIMES.
Solomon writing about lasting friendships wrote this:
"There are 'friends' who pretend to be friends, but there is a friend who sticks
closer than a brother." Proverbs 18:24 LB
T R A N S F O R M E D
How God Changes Us
Rick Warren
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Close friends can be counted on during bad times. They don't bail. When trouble hits, and we
think of a friend that we know we can call for help because they'll try their best to help us,
that's the kind of close friend we want and the kind of friend we want to be.
Later in his life, after he'd seen it all and done it all, Solomon wrote this regarding close, healthy
friendships:
"Two are better than one because…if one falls down, his friend can help him up. But
pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!" Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NIV
A healthy friendship means we can share something we're struggling with and that friend isn't
blown away and doesn't walk away. And likewise, we don't walk away when they confide in us
about something they're struggling with.
A healthy friendship means that two friends can have transparent conversation and
observation about things they see in each others' lives. We all have blind spots and can use the
view from outside that a close friend can offer.
The 8th and final thing we'll talk about that will help in building healthy friendships is this:

Share CHRIST with them.
The healthiest friendships are built around two people living the Jesus lifestyle.
If both friends aren't Jesus followers, and one is actively following Christ's ways, the other
friend over time, may come to appreciate the Jesus-like qualities they observe and experience
in their relationship with their Christian friend.
And as they're seeing Christ's ways lived out repeatedly in their friend, there will probably come
a time when they're going to ask and want to know more about why we are the way we are.
Jesus encouraged His followers to share the good stuff that was going on in their lives because
of their faith in Christ. Luke recorded what Jesus said, listen to this:
"Go back home and tell everyone how much God has done for you. The man
went all over town, telling everything that Jesus had done for him."
Luke 8:39 CEV
When the time is right, and you've earned credibility in the eyes of your friends, some of them
are going to ask. When they do, be ready to tell them.
T R A N S F O R M E D
How God Changes Us
Rick Warren
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8 Things That Help Build Healthy Friendships
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
Get interested in other people.
Don’t be a chronic complainer.
Be a good listener.
Accept people unconditionally.
Help people feel significant.
Be sympathetic.
Stick with people in tough times.
Share Christ with them.
Group Question

Which of the 8 things that help build healthy friendships is the most important to you
and why?
Session 5 - Relational Health Conclusion
Relational health like so many things is really a matter of choice. We can choose who to be
close with and who we allow to influence how we do life. When a so called “friend” influences
us away from copying Jesus’ lifestyle, then it’s time to let that friendship cool down.
Group Questions

Can you think of a time when you were influenced by a friend to not follow Christ as
closely as you had been? What was going on? How did things turn out?

Is there someone in your life right now who is pulling you away from following Christ?
What can you do to prevent becoming distant in your relationship with God?
For the Upcoming Week
 Putting Into Practice
 Daily Devotional / Journal
Closing Prayer
T R A N S F O R M E D
How God Changes Us
Rick Warren
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