MOOC: Science of Relationships
FRIENDSHIPS
SLIDE ONE
What makes someone a friend? Why do some friends last and others don’t? This topic will cover information relevant
to these types of questions.
SLIDE TWO
Think of who your best friends are. What makes them that way? Well it is generally easy to think of who your friends
are; it’s sometimes harder to put your finger on what qualities friends have and how they are different from other
types of relationships.
SLIDE THREE
To study friendships, some researchers have asked participants directly to list characteristics of their friends by
completing sentences starting with the stem, “A friend is someone who…” They uncoded how some people
completed the sentences. For example, they might state that a friend is someone who cares about them.
SLIDE FOUR
Those types of studies have led some researchers to identify prototypical features of friendships or broad
characteristics of them; such as affect of elements like sharing thoughts and feelings, communal elements such as
sharing common activities and providing help to each other, and sociability elements which refer to friends as a
source of fun and people to do things with.
SLIDE FIVE
Based on that research, one summarized definition describes friendships as a voluntary personal relationship,
typically providing intimacy and assistance in which the two parties like one another and seek each other’s company.
Note the voluntary nature of friendships, which makes them different from family relationships.
SLIDE SIX
How are friendships different than romantic relationships? They are actually quite similar in almost every respect
except that friendships are generally less emotionally intense, they have fewer obligations, and are not as exclusive.
In addition, they typically do not involve sexual intimacy but there are exceptions, such as friend-with-benefit types
of relationships, which is another topic that we’ll cover in this class.
SLIDE SEVEN
Our friendships change a lot over our life cycle. When we are very young, our friendships are no more than
momentary or preferred playmates. As we develop the ability to take other’s perspectives, we form closer
friendships, but they are still quite egocentric and possessive up through adolescence.
MOOC: Science of Relationships
SLIDE EIGHT
By later adolescence, we enter what is called an “autonomous interdependent stage.” We realize here that one
relationship cannot fulfill all of our needs and so we respect that our friends need other friends, too. Friendships are
important for identity development, which is a key task during adolescence.
SLIDE NINE
Intimacy takes on greater importance for our friendships once we enter young adulthood. Subtlety, we know very
little about friendships at midlife. Friendships tend to be more difficult to form as we get older, mostly because of
other life demands like work and family. When people marry or commit themselves to an intimate partner, they
tend to become more distant from friends that could be mate rivals and make couple friends that are shared by both
spouses. They also make friends who share similar life roles, such as being a parent or with coworkers.
SLIDE TEN
With old age, sociability tends to decline and there are a few theories about why this is. Some attribute the decline
to barriers like having poor health. The data did not really support this perspective entirely though. The SocioEmotional Selectivity Theory proposes that as we get older, we are more present than future-oriented, and as a
result we pursue more emotional goals. This results in letting go of more casual friendships and investing our time
in fewer, more intimate and rewarding friendships.
SLIDE ELEVEN
We know that physical attraction is important for the development of intimate relationships and this is also true for
friendships. You can refer to the lecture on Attraction for more information about that. We are also attracted to
people who like the same things as us. So if my friend Erin likes wine and I like wine, we have that in common, and I
like her more than a friend who is dissimilar to me. The TV show Big Bang Theory has an episode in which the
character Sheldon tries to use a friendship algorithm incorporating similarity as a way to make friends. Check out
the video here and see how successful he is.
SLIDE TWELVE
In the early stages of friendship formation, most people are motivated to have a companion to feel like they belong
and are valued by someone and to avoid feelings of loneliness. People vary considerably in terms of how much
intimacy they desire in their friendships as well.
SLIDE THIRTEEN
While it is important to not over-generalize, research has shown some gender differences in terms of how men and
women behave in their same-sex friendships. Women same-sex friendships tend to involve more emotional sharing,
interaction in pairs or small groups, and are holistic or all-purpose friendships covering many areas of life experience
compared to men’s friendships, which tend to be more circumscribed. Men’s relationships and friendships tend to
be less intimate than women’s but it’s not because men are incapable of self-disclosure or intimacy. It’s just not as
socially acceptable in many societies for men to be emotionally intimate with other men.
SLIDE FOURTEEN
Many people believe that heterosexual men and women cannot be just friends. Even though cross-sex friendships
are often rated as being more stable than intimate heterosexual relationships, they are not often seen as important
as them. Society sexualizes these friendships and some people struggle with keeping romance out of the dynamic,
MOOC: Science of Relationships
particularly men. But the majority of people feel more friendship-type feelings in cross-sex friendships than romance
or sexual attraction.
SLIDE FIFTEEN
Workplace friendships are linked to many important outcomes such as employee satisfaction, career development,
and creativity. There are three basic types of workplace friendships: information peer relationships, which involve
interactions based purely on the job; collegial relationships, which have moderate levels of trust and some discussion
of nonwork-related topics; and special peer relationships, which are like best friends.
SLIDE SIXTEEN
Obviously, workplace friendships can be difficult to maintain when personal and work problems collide.
Communication tactics like openness can help to work through problems. Generally friendships flourish when both
friends feel like their relationship supports their autonomy and psychological well-being. This means that the more
a relational partner acknowledges the other’s perspective, provides choice, encourages self-initiation, and is
responsive, the better the friendship is. So why do friendships end?
SLIDE SEVENTEEN
Argyle and Henderson propose that by the time we are adults, we have a pretty clear set of rules about friendships.
They had people list rules about what people should and should not do with their friends, such as volunteering when
they need help and respecting their privacy. These rules are usually implicit, meaning we don’t talk about them
much. While people don’t follow the rules all the time, friendships in which the rules are broken more often tend to
end compared to when those rules are followed.
SLIDE EIGHTEEN
Researchers have recently been studying the world of social networking sites, like Facebook and Twitter, on
friendships. One study, by Bryant and Marmo, found that different types of friendship rules were expected for
different types of Facebook friends, such as close, casual, or acquaintance. These rules were related to preferences
for using certain communication channels, the use of deception and control, relational maintenance tactics, and
consideration of the negative consequences of a post for the self and the friend.
SLIDE NINETEEN
In summary, the definitions of our friendships vary considerably across different types of friendships, and the quality
and characteristics of our friendships change over our life cycle as we change and develop. Gender differences in
friendship also reflect different gender socialization that men and women experience in society. And breaking of
rules of friendships can predict friendship demise.
SLIDE TWENTY
Can the definition we provided for friendships apply to all friends and social networking websites? What friendship
rules do you use with different friends on social network sites like Facebook? This topic’s activity allows you to dig
deeper into this topic and you can take a survey to find out.