Limmy's Show 2
95.
Shooting Batch 5
28/09/10
1.
PSYCHIC - DOWNSTAIRS
RAYMOND DAY - BRIAN LIMOND
DREW ELAINE FRED -
95
INT. TV STUDIO. DAY
A WARM ROUND OF APPLAUSE FROM A STUDIO
AUDIENCE WELCOMES PSYCHIC MEDIUM
RAYMOND DAY TO THE FLOOR OF HIS TV SHOW
PARASIDE.
HE SPEAKS TO THE CAMERA.
RAYMOND
Hello, my name’s Raymond Day, and welcome to
Paraside.
RAYMOND WALKS TO TOWARDS THE AUDIENCE.
RAYMOND (CONT’D)
Okay, let’s see where the spirit takes me.
HE TAKES A MOMENT.
RAYMOND (CONT’D)
Could someone please understand that I have
here a lady that quite recently passed over to
spirit, an elderly lady, who, during her time
this side of life, used to have a lot of
flowers around her home. And I mean a lot of
flowers, this was like a greenhouse.
THE AUDIENCE LAUGH. A TRIO OF MIDDLE
AGED PEOPLE - DREW, ELAINE AND FRED REACT.
RAYMOND (CONT’D)
You understand this?
DREW
Yes.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
95
Shooting Batch 5
CONTINUED:
28/09/10
2.
RAYMOND
She’s saying she always loved the plants you’d
bring over, but oh, she hated those daffodils.
THEY LAUGH, ASTONISHED.
DREW
She’s saying to me that someone’s left
daffodils at the grave and she’s like, oh, get
them away from me.
THEY LAUGH.
DREW (CONT’D)
That’ll probably be Steve.
RAYMOND
Alright.
PAUSE.
RAYMOND (CONT’D)
She’s showing me now her doing this kind of
action.
RAYMOND SHOOSHES AN IMAGINARY MOUSE
AWAY.
RAYMOND (CONT’D)
She’s shooshing something away, like a rat or a
mouse. Did she ever have any phobias?
DREW
She was quite agoraphobic, she couldn’t go out
much.
RAYMOND
I see, no, this is like a phobia of mice or
rats or creepy crawlies of some kind.
THE FAMILY CONFER.
DREW
She didn’t like daddy long legs. Petrified of
them.
RAYMOND
Bit of an old scaredycat your mum, wasn’t she?
THEY LAUGH.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
95
Shooting Batch 5
CONTINUED: (2)
28/09/10
3.
RAYMOND (CONT’D)
I’m only joking, she sounds like a lovely lady.
But I’m starting to realise why she’s showing
me this shooshing away of the beasties. It’s
not a memory of something from this side of
life, but that she’s actually being pestered by
these creatures on the spirit side. What’s
she’s trying to tell me is that, and there’s no
nice way to put this, she’s doonstairs, do you
know what I mean? They’ve put her doonstairs.
She didn’t make it.
THE FAMILY ARE SLACK JAWED.
DREW
She can’t be. She never had a bad bone in her.
RAYMOND
Well, they don’t stick them down there for
nothing, pal.
EVERYONE BAR THE FAMILY LAUGHS.
RAYMOND (CONT’D)
No, she’s downstairs. Because these insects you
said she was afraid of, what are they called?
DREW
Daddy long legs.
RAYMOND
She’s covered in them.
THE FAMILY ARE UPSET.
RAYMOND (CONT’D)
Because when I first saw her, I thought she was
wearing a sheet like a ghost to give me a wee
fright. But no, it’s because she’s covered top
to toe in they things, and they’re biting her.
THE FAMILY ARE VERY UPSET.
RAYMOND (CONT’D)
And these are wounds that never heal, because
she is downstairs. And what was that other
phobia, you said she was scared to go
somewhere?
DREW
She was agoraphobic, she was scared to go out.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
95
Shooting Batch 5
CONTINUED: (3)
28/09/10
4.
RAYMOND
Well she’s just telling me, they’re making her
go out. Looking like that.
THE FAMILY ARE CRYING.
RAYMOND (CONT’D)
So that’s her punishment.
PAUSE.
RAYMOND (CONT’D)
I’ll leave her love with you. Thanks.
THE AUDIENCE APPLAUD.
Limmy's Show 2
96.
Shooting Batch 5
28/09/10
5.
PSYCHIC - MACHINE
RAYMOND DAY - BRIAN LIMOND
IAIN BELINDA -
96
INT. TV STUDIO. DAY
A WARM ROUND OF APPLAUSE FROM A STUDIO
AUDIENCE WELCOMES PSYCHIC MEDIUM
RAYMOND DAY TO THE FLOOR OF HIS TV SHOW
PARASIDE.
HE SPEAKS TO THE CAMERA.
RAYMOND
Hello, my name’s Raymond Day, and welcome to
Paraside.
RAYMOND WALKS TO TOWARDS THE AUDIENCE.
RAYMOND (CONT’D)
Okay, let’s see where the spirit takes me.
HE TAKES A MOMENT.
RAYMOND (CONT’D)
Could someone please understand that I have a
male presence with me who, at the end of his
earthly life, was unable to communicate for a
long period of time.
IAIN AND BELINDA, A FATHER AND
DAUGHTER, SPEAK UP.
IAIN
Yes.
RAYMOND
You, my darling.
IAIN
Yes.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
96
Shooting Batch 5
CONTINUED:
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6.
RAYMOND
And you can you understand please that he’s
showing me, oh that’s actually quite grizzly, a
head injury? Or some other kind of damage to
the head?
IAIN
Yes, he passed over because of a head injury.
BELINDA RUBS IAIN’S BACK AS IAIN STARTS
GETTING A LITTLE UPSET.
RAYMOND
(Cheerily) And it was quite grizzly, am I
right. Not a pleasant memory for you?
IAIN
Yes.
RAYMOND
Good, okay. Darling, am I right in saying that
he had to be let go? That the machine, oh this
is a callous way that the put it nowadays, but
that the machine had to be switched off and he
had to be let go?
IAIN
Yes, the doctors advised us that the only thing
keeping him alive was the machine.
RAYMOND
I know, I know. The reason I’m asking, my love,
is that he’s been repeating this same line over
and over again. (Talking to side) are you sure
you want me to tell her that? Okay. (To family)
He keeps repeating “One more day. One more day,
dad, one more day”.
PAUSE.
RAYMOND (CONT’D)
He was going to make it, darling. He was going
to pull through the next day. If you just held
off for just one more day.
THE FAMILY ARE DEVASTATED. RAYMOND
PAUSES, THEN SMILES.
RAYMOND (CONT’D)
What are the football tickets?
IAIN
What?
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
96
Shooting Batch 5
CONTINUED: (2)
28/09/10
7.
RAYMOND
He’s just standing there holding out football
tickets or theatre tickets?
IAIN
I was always trying to get him to go to the
theatre with me.
RAYMOND
That’s it. Because he’s telling me that just
before passing, he had bought you tickets and
was going to surprise you with a trip to the
theatre. Oh that’s lovely, isn’t it?
A RIPPLE OF APPROVAL GOES THROUGH THE
AUDIENCE, BUT THE FAMILY IS DEVASTATED.
RAYMOND (CONT’D)
But that’s him ripping them up now and throwing
them at me. Throwing them at you.
LONG PAUSE.
RAYMOND (CONT’D)
One more day, dad. One more day.
PAUSE.
RAYMOND (CONT’D)
I’ll leave his thoughts with you. Thank you.
THE AUDIENCE APPLAUD.
Limmy's Show 2
97.
Shooting Batch 5
28/09/10
8.
RADIO REQUEST
DAVIE - BRIAN LIMOND
CLAIRE (VO) -
97
INT. RADIO STATION. DAY
DAVIE, A RADIO DJ, IS TAKING A CALL.
DAVIE
Hi, welcome back to Carndook FM. So before the
break, I asked you to give me a call with your
song requests. And on the line now I have...
Claire. Are you there, Claire?
CLAIRE
Hiya.
DAVIE
Hi Claire, thanks for calling, and where are
you today?
CLAIRE
I’m in Bishopbriggs. Yeah!
DAVIE
Yeah, big shout out to Bishopbriggs. So what
are you up to today, any big plans?
CLAIRE
No, not really, just at home being a full-time
mum. Taking care of the kids, keeping them out
of trouble.
DAVIE
Ahaha, good on you, Claire.
CLAIRE
Thanks, and just listening to your show as
always.
DAVIE
Awww, thanks. So, what song do you want to
request.
CLAIRE
I’d like you to play Whenever You Need Somebody
by Rick Astley.
DAVIE
Ah, okay, and why are you requesting that?
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
97
Shooting Batch 5
CONTINUED:
28/09/10
9.
CLAIRE
Oh it’s always been one of my favourite songs,
I was a big fan of Rick Astley when I was young
and that one’s always stood out for me.
DAVIE
I see.
DAVIE’S HEAD BOWS AND HE SEEMS TO DRIFT
OFF FOR A MOMENT. HE IS SUDDENLY NOT
CHEERFUL ANYMORE.
DAVIE (CONT’D)
No, what I mean is, why are you phoning up a
radio station to request a song?
CLAIRE
Well, so you’ll play it.
DAVIE
But why don’t you just play it yourself?
CLAIRE
What?
DAVIE
Well, you’re in the house, why don’t you just
play it yourself? I take it you’ve got it, I
take it you’ve got one of your favourite songs.
CLAIRE
Maybe, aye.
DAVIE
Right well go and play it then. What is it with
people like you phoning me up requesting your
favourite song? If it’s one of your favourite
songs, and you’ve got it then go and play it.
You don’t need my permission. You own it. It’s
yours.
CLAIRE
Well..
DAVIE
I mean even if you’ve not got it, I take it
you’re on the internet, aye? You’re in the 21st
century with the rest of us, aye?
CLAIRE
Aye.
DAVIE
Right, well just download it. Or stream it,
just double click on it and it’ll start
streaming like that (snaps fingers).
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
97
Shooting Batch 5
28/09/10
10.
CONTINUED: (2)
DAVIE (CONT'D)
Rather than phoning a radio station on the off
chance that you’ll might be the one that gets
through. I mean that’s nonsense, Claire, you’ll
admit that’s nonsense.
CLAIRE
Aye, I suppose it...
DAVIE
Bye Claire.
DAVIE PRESSES A BUTTON AND PLAYS THE
SONG.
DAVIE (CONT’D)
This one’s Whenever You Need Somebody by Rick
Astley, for Claire in Bishopbriggs.
Limmy's Show 2
98.
Shooting Batch 5
28/09/10
11.
RESTART POSTPONE
VOICEOVER - BRIAN LIMOND
98
COMPUTER SCREEN
TWO MS WINDOWS STYLE BUTTONS BUTTONS
APPEAR ON THE SCREEN: RESTART AND
POSTPONE. A POINTER IS IN BETWEEN THEM.
A LOUD, BLACKPOOL VOICE TALKS.
VOICE
Alright, here are your choices, you can either
restart or you can postpone, take your pick.
THE POINTER MOVES TOWARDS RESTART.
VOICE (CONT’D)
Oh you’re going for restart? Are you sure? Are
you sure? What about the work you’ve still got
open, are you sure?
THE POINTER MOVES AWAY FROM RESTART.
VOICE (CONT’D)
Yeah, that’s it, just think about this, take a
moment.
THE POINTER MOVES TOWARDS POSTPONE.
VOICE (CONT’D)
I see, you’re going for postpone, that’s very
wise. It gives you more time.
THE POINTER CLICKS ON POSTPONE, AND A
DROP DOWN REVEALS “FOR 10 MINUTES”,
“FOR 1 HOUR”, “FOR 3 HOURS”.
VOICE (CONT’D)
How long for? Now this one really is up to you.
THE POINTER ROLLS OVER ALL THE OPTIONS.
VOICE (CONT’D)
10 minutes. 1 hour. 3 hours.
THE POINTER HOVERS ON 3 HOURS.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
98
Shooting Batch 5
CONTINUED:
28/09/10
12.
VOICE (CONT’D)
I’d go for the 3 hours, because if it turns out
to be too long for you, you can always come
back and restart.
THE POINTER STAYS THERE?
VOICE (CONT’D)
You thinking of 3 hours, yeah? Then go ahead
and click it.
THE POINTER CLICKS AND THE TEXT CHANGES
TO: “GOOD CHOICE”.
VOICE (CONT’D)
Good choice
Limmy's Show 2
99.
Shooting Batch 5
28/09/10
13.
SEMI - 1 OF 3
LIMMY - BRIAN LIMOND
KENNY MICK -
99
INT. GYM CHANGING ROOM. DAY
KENNY AND MICK ARE NAKED, DRYING
THEMSELVES OFF WITH TOWELS.
KENNY LOOKS DOWN TO MICK’S CROTCH AREA.
KENNY
Why have you got a semi?
MICK
Why are you looking at my cock?
THE CAMERA ZOOMS TO LIMMY, WHO IS
SITTING IN THE BACKGROUND, WEARING
NOTHING BUT A TOWEL. HE SPEAKS TO THE
CAMERA.
LIMMY
He’s got him there
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 5
28/09/10
14.
100. SEMI - 2 OF 3
LIMMY - BRIAN LIMOND
KENNY NICK DANIEL 100
INT. GYM CHANGING ROOM. DAY
LIMMY WALKS UP TO KENNY AND MICK.
LIMMY
You know lads, I don’t mind admitting to you...
I’ve got a semi.
PAUSE.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
A semi automatic!
LIMMY THEN HOLDS UP AN IMAGINARY SUB
MACHINE GUN AND PRETENDS TO SHOOT THEM
BOTH. THEY BACK AWAY SLIGHTLY.
HE PRETENDS TO SPRAY THE REST OF THE
CHANGING ROOM WITH BULLETS. HE HEADS
FOR THE DOOR, WALKING BACKWARDS,
BUMPING INTO DANIEL WALKING IN.
LIMMY HEADS OUT THE DOOR, BUT POKES THE
IMAGINARY GUN IN ONE LAST TIME FOR A
FINAL SPRAY.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 5
28/09/10
15.
101. SEMI - 3 OF 3
LIMMY - BRIAN LIMOND
101
GREEN SCREEN
THE LIMMY’S SHOW LOGO APPEARS AT THE
END OF THE PREVIOUS SKETCH. LIMMY
APPEARS IN FRONT OF IT AND STARTS
SHOOTING THE AUDIENCE WITH HIS
IMAGINARY UZI.
HE TURNS AROUND AND STARTS SHOOTING THE
LOGO TO PIECES TO THE SOUND OF GLASS
AND STEEL EQUIPMENT BEING GUNNED. THE
BULLET HOLES INCREASINGLY REVEAL THE
NEXT SKETCH BEHIND. WHEN THE LOGO IS
OBLITERATED, LIMMY TURNS TO THE
AUDIENCE FOR ONE LAST SHOT AT THEM,
BEFORE DROPPING OFF THE SCREEN.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 5
28/09/10
16.
102. SUPERHEROES 1 - SUPERDOG
ROBBER (NS)LADY (NS) 102A GREEN SCREEN
A SUPERHERO TITLE AND JINGLE PRESENTS
“SUPERDOG”, A DOG SITTING IN A GREEN
SCREEN STUDIO, SITTING LOOKING BORED,
AS IT FLIES THROUGH THE CLOUDS.
IT FLIES OVER THE CITY STREETS, THE
PYRAMIDS OF EGYPT, ALL OVER THE WORLD,
DOING LOOPS AND ALL SORTS.
CUT TO:
102B EXT. STREET. DAY.
A ROBBER TRIES TO PULL A BAG FROM A
LADY. SUPERDOG FLIES INTO THE SCENE,
FREEZES IN MID AIR AND BARKS AT THE
ROBBER. THE ROBBER FLEES AND THE VICTIM
SMILES AT SUPERDOG BEFORE HE FLIES OFF.
THE SUPERDOG LOGO AND JINGLE PLAY ONCE
MORE
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 5
28/09/10
17.
103. SUPERHEROES 2 - SUPERPLANT
ROBBER (NS)LADY (NS) 103A BLUE SCREEN
A SUPERHERO TITLE AND JINGLE PRESENTS
“SUPERPLANT”, A POTTED GERANIUM IN
GREEN SCREEN STUDIO, AS IT FLIES
THROUGH THE CLOUDS.
IT FLIES OVER THE CITY STREETS, THE
SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE, ALL OVER THE WORLD,
DOING LOOPS AND ALL SORTS. A HAND IS
OCCASIONALLY SEEN TURNING THE PLANT.
CUT TO:
103B EXT. STREET. DAY.
A ROBBER TRIES TO PULL A BAG FROM A
LADY. SUPERPLANT FLIES INTO THE SCENE
FROM OUT OF SHOT AND SMASHES THE ROBBER
OVER THE HEAD THEN SMASHES TO THE
GROUND. THE LADY HITS THE ROBBER WITH
HER BAG. SUPERPLANT REFORMS AND FLIES
OFF.
THE SUPERPLANT LOGO AND JINGLE PLAY
ONCE MORE
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 5
28/09/10
18.
104. SUPERHEROES 3 - SUPERKNEE
ROBBER (NS) LADY (NS) 104A GREEN SCREEN
A SUPERHERO TITLE AND JINGLE PRESENTS
“SUPERKNEE”, A PERSON LYING IN A GREEN
SCREEN STUDIO WITH A GREEN SHEET OVER
THEM, EXPOSING THEIR KNEE, AND,
UNFORTUNATELY, A BIT OF THEIR HEAD. THE
KNEE FLIES THROUGH THE CLOUDS.
IT FLIES OVER THE CITY STREETS, THE
LEANING TOWER OF PISA, ALL OVER THE
WORLD, DOING LOOPS AND ALL SORTS. THE
PERSON UNDER THE SHEET TRIES IN VAIN TO
KEEP HIS HEAD OUT OF SHOT.
CUT TO:
104B EXT. STREET. DAY.
A ROBBER TRIES TO PULL A BAG FROM A
LADY. SUPERKNEE FLIES INTO THE SCENE
AND KNEES THE ROBBER MANY TIMES IN THE
BALLS. THE ROBBER HITS THE GROUND, AND
THE KNEE KNEES A FEW MORE TIMES. IT
THEN HOVERS TO ACCEPT ITS SMILE FROM
THE LADY BEFORE FLYING OFF. THE LADY
HITS THE ROBBER WITH HER BAG.
THE SUPERPLANT LOGO AND JINGLE PLAY
ONCE MORE
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 5
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19.
105. SUPERHEROES 4 - SUPERCHIMES
ROBBER (NS) LADY (NS)105A GREEN SCREEN
A SUPERHERO TITLE AND JINGLE PRESENTS
“SUPERCHIMES”, METAL CHIMES BEING
CHIMED BY A PHANTOM HAND IN A GREEN
SCREEN STUDIO. THE CHIMES FLY THROUGH
THE CLOUDS.
THEY FLY OVER THE CITY STREETS, THE
STATUE OF LIBERTY, ALL OVER THE WORLD,
DOING LOOPS AND ALL SORTS.
CUT TO:
105B EXT. STREET. DAY.
A ROBBER TRIES TO PULL A BAG FROM A
LADY. SUPERCHIMES FLIES INTO THE SCENE
AND DRIFTS AROUND THE ROBBER’S HEAD, AS
IT’S CHIMED BY THE PHANTOM HAND. THE
ROBBER BECOMES DROWSY, ENOUGH FOR THE
LADY TO KNOCK HIM OUT WITH HER BAG. IT
THEN HOVERS TO ACCEPT ITS SMILE FROM
THE LADY BEFORE FLYING OFF.
THE SUPERCHIMES LOGO AND JINGLE PLAY
ONCE MORE
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 5
106. TATTOO - POOL
OMITTED
28/09/10
20.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 5
107. TATTOO - STAND UP
OMITTED
28/09/10
21.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 5
28/09/10
22.
108. TEA THERAPY
DAVE - BRIAN LIMOND
JANINE 108
INT. LIVING ROOM. DAY.
DAVE IS SITTING IN THE LIVING ROOM
WATCHING TELLY AS JANINE WALKS IN WITH
A COUPLE OF CUPS OF TEA. JANINE PUTS
THEM DOWN AND THEY BOTH DRINK.
DAVE IS SLIGHTLY DISGUSTED.
DAVE
D’you knowyou make a minging cup of tea?
JANINE ANSWERS CALMLY.
JANINE
No I don’t.
DAVE
You do.
JANINE
I don’t. I spit in it.
DAVE NEARLY SPITS HIS TEA OUT.
DAVE
You what?
JANINE
I spit in it. I’ve been doing it for years.
DAVE
What for?
JANINE
It’s just a wee thing I do, to stop me from
wanting to kill you.
DAVE LOOKS AT EACH OTHER, WORRIED.
JANINE IS BLANK.
DAVIE SLOWLY TAKES A SIP OF HIS TEA AND
FORCES A SMILE.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
108
Shooting Batch 5
CONTINUED:
JANINE SMILES BACK.
28/09/10
23.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 5
28/09/10
24.
109. TEDDY BEAR
LIMMY - BRIAN LIMOND
KARL MAC 109A INT. AIRPORT. DAY
LIMMY IS WALKING TO THE DEPARTURE
COUNTER OF AN AIRPORT, WEARING A
BACKPACK. KARL, A SHIFTY LOOKING MAN,
WALKS UP TO LIMMY WITH A TEDDY BEAR.
KARL
Excuse me.
LIMMY
Hiya.
KARL
Are you getting the 9:20 flight to Bangkok?
LIMMY
Aye.
KARL
Could you please take this teddy bear with you?
I have a friend there who is waiting to collect
it, it is very dear to him.
LIMMY
Aye, nae bother.
LIMMY TAKES THE TEDDY BEAR.
KARL
Thank you.
CUT TO:
109B INT. BANGKOK AIRPORT. DAY.
LIMMY WALKS INTO BANGKOK AIRPORT. MAC,
A SHIFTY LOOKING MAN, APPROACHES HIM.
MAC
Hello.
LIMMY
Hiya.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 5
109B CONTINUED:
28/09/10
25.
MAC
Is this...?
LIMMY
Aye, here you go.
MAC
Thank you.
LIMMY HANDS IT OVER AND MAC WALKS AWAY.
BOTH ARE PLEASED. LIMMY SPEAKS TO THE
CAMERA.
LIMMY
It’s amazing how people are willing to trust
strangers, isn’t it? I could have knocked that.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 5
28/09/10
26.
110. THE SHAPE - 1 OF 2
LIMMY (VO) - BRIAN LIMOND
JAMES (VO) ANGELA (VO) 110
INT. BLACKNESS. NIGHT.
A MULTIICOLOURED, CLOUD-LIKE SHAPE
FADES IN FROM THE BLACK. IT SLOWLY
MORPHS INTO VARIOUS, INDISTINGUISHABLE
FORMS, LIKE A MOVING INKBLOT TEST.
LIMMY (V.O.)
(Slowly)
What is this?
THE SHAPE CONTINUES TO MORPH.
LIMMY (V.O.)
What is this strange, intriguing,
mesmerising...
JAMES (V.O.)
(Interupting)
Is it no a kaleidoscope?
PAUSE.
LIMMY (V.O.)
(Startled)
Who the fuck’s that?
JAMES (V.O.)
It’s James.
PAUSE.
LIMMY (V.O.)
(Laughing)
I shat it there. Couldn’t work out who you
were.
JAMES LAUGHS.
LIMMY (V.O.)
What did you say?
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
110
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CONTINUED:
28/09/10
27.
JAMES (V.O.)
Just saying, is it not a kaleidoscope?
LIMMY (V.O.)
Naw, it’s no a kaleidoscope, a kaleidoscope’s
one of they things that look like a telescope
that you turn and...
ANGELA (V.O.)
Yeah, you’re right, it’s not a kaleidoscope.
D’you not think it sort of looks like something
you’d see in space, like one of those clouds
with all the...
LIMMY AND JAMES SPEAK IN UNISON.
LIMMY (V.O.)
Who’s that?
JAMES (V.O.)
Who’s that?
PAUSE.
ANGELA (V.O.)
It’s Angela.
THE MEN SOUND RELIEVED.
LIMMY (V.O.)
Awright.
JAMES (V.O.)
Awright Angela.
ANGELA (V.O.)
Awright. D’you not think it looks like one of
those NASA pictures you get of nebulas or
whatever they’re...
LIMMY (V.O.)
(Interrupting with a posh
English voice)
Oh shut up, Angela, what would you know about
nebulas you dozy cow (normal voice) who was
that?
PAUSE.
ANGELA (V.O.)
That was you.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
110
Shooting Batch 5
CONTINUED: (2)
28/09/10
28.
LIMMY (V.O.)
No, the other voice, the English one, who was
that? Cheeky bastard!
ANGELA (V.O.)
That was you.
JAMES (V.O.)
Aye, it was pretty obvious that was you, Limmy.
PAUSE.
LIMMY (V.O.)
(Laughing)
Sorry, it was just having a laugh. What d’you
say, Angela, it looks like a nebula?
ANGELA (V.O.)
(Annoyed)
Em... I’m away, I’ll see you later, James.
JAMES (V.O.)
See ye, Angela.
LIMMY (V.O.)
Angela, I was just joking. (Pause) Angela.
PAUSE.
JAMES (V.O.)
That’s was pretty bang out of order what you
said, Limmy.
LIMMY (V.O.)
It was just a joke.
PAUSE.
LIMMY (V.O.)
Anyway. Any ideas what this is then?
JAMES (V.O.)
Naw. I’m just gonnae head, mate.
LIMMY (V.O.)
Right.
ENDS WITH LIMMY’S SHOW STING.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 5
28/09/10
29.
111. THE SHAPE - 2 OF 2
LIMMY - BRIAN LIMOND
111
INT. BLACKNESS. NIGHT.
THE SHAPE FILLS THE SCREEN AGAIN. AFTER
A PAUSE...
LIMMY (V.O.)
Hello?
ENDS WITH LIMMY’S SHOW STING.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 5
28/09/10
30.
112. THIEVING ROOM - 1 OF 3
LIMMY - BRIAN LIMOND
112
INT. FLAT. DAY
LIMMY IS IN HIS NICE FLAT. HE WALKS
INTO HIS SPARE ROOM, WHICH IS A BIT OF
A MESS. THE WALLPAPER ON THE WALL IS
OLD, TORN AND MANKY. LIMMY HAS
APPARENTLY NEGLECTED THIS ROOM.
HE WALKS UP TO A TABLE AND GOES TO
REACH FOR SOMETHING HE THOUGHT WAS
THERE.
LIMMY
That’s odd. I left my wallet right there, but
now it’s gone. Nobody’s went in, nobody’s come
out. Yet... gone.
LIMMY LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY AROUND THE
ROOM.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
Which is a shame, because I was just on my way
out to the DIY shop to finally get round to
getting this room decorated. I’ve left it for
far too long. In fact, if I was this room, I’d
be a bit pissed off at being neglected for so
long. And I’d maybe want to punish the person
responsible. Maybe knock their wallet.
PAUSE.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
I don’t know. I just know that without my
wallet I can’t buy all that lovely glossy
paint, that I was going to tart up the skirting
boards with. I can’t buy that luxurious
wallpaper that I was going to massage onto the
wall. Aye, it’s a shame.
PAUSE.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
I know, I’ll have one more look.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
112
Shooting Batch 5
CONTINUED:
28/09/10
31.
LIMMY TURNS AWAY FROM THE TABLE AND
TURNS BACK. THE WALLET IS SUDDENLY
THERE. LIMMY SHOWS MOCK SURPRISE.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
Oh there it is. Fancy that.
LIMMY WALKS OUT THE DOOR, BUT POKES HIS
HEAD BACK IN FOR A PARTING SHOT.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
I’m away to the pub.
LIMMY SLAMS THE DOOR. THE ROOM GROWLS.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 5
28/09/10
32.
113. THIEVING ROOM - 2 OF 3
LIMMY - BRIAN LIMOND
GILLIAN ALDO BAZZA (VO) 113A INT. FLAT. NIGHT
LIMMY IS IN THE HALL OF HIS NICE FLAT.
HIS GIRLFRIEND GILLIAN IS ADMIRING IT.
GILLIAN
I love your flat.
LIMMY
Thanks. Aye, I’m getting there. I’ve not got
round to finishing that room, though.
LIMMY POINTS TO THE DOOR OF THE
THIEVING ROOM, BEFORE HEADING TO THE
KITCHEN TO POUR DRINKS.
113B INT. KITCHEN
GILLIAN (O.S)
Oh, let’s take a look.
GILLIAN WANDERS INTO THE THIEVING ROOM.
LIMMY
(Laughing)
Don’t, it’s an embarrassment.
GILLIAN (O.S.)
I see what you mean, it’s a mess. Typical man,
getting everything half done.
LIMMY
Well, feel free to finish it!
LIMMY WAITS FOR A REPLY.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
Is that an offer?
LIMMY WAITS FOR A REPLY.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 5
113B CONTINUED:
28/09/10
33.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
Can you hear me?
113C INT. SPARE ROOM
LIMMY WAITS FOR A REPLY, THEN HE
REALISES WHAT’S HAPPENED. HE RUNS INTO
THE THIEVING ROOM, JUST IN TIME TO SEE
GILLIAN VANISH.
LIMMY
No!
LIMMY SHOUTS AND SCREAMS AND BANGS
HIMSELF AGAINST THE WALLS OF THE ROOM.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
Give her back! Give her back!
THE ROOM DOESN’T COMPLY. THE SCENE
JUMPCUTS TO LIMMY LOOKING UP AN
INTERIOR DECORATOR IN THE YELLOW PAGES,
THEN JUMPCUTS TO LIMMY ON THE PHONE.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
I don’t care how much, I want the best of stuff
and I want it done now!
113D INT. SPARE ROOM - LATER
THE SCENE JUMPCUTS TO A COUPLE OF
DECORATORS, ALDO AND BAZZA, PAINTING
THE SKIRTING BOARDS AND PUTTING UP THE
BEST OF WALLPAPER. LIMMY PACES AROUND
FRANTICALLY UNTIL THE JOB IS COMPLETE.
LIMMY
That’ll do it!
LIMMY USHERS THE DECORATORS OUT, THEN
STANDS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM,
COMPOSED.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
I’ve done what you wanted. You’ve got the
wallpaper. The paint. Now give me back my
woman!
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 5
113D CONTINUED:
28/09/10
34.
GILLIAN APPEARS, COVERED IN WALLPAPER
PASTE. SHE FAINTS. LIMMY RUSHES TO HER
AND HOLDS HER UP.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
You’re safe, you’re safe now! I’m so sorry.
THROUGH CUDDLING GILLIAN, LIMMY IS NOW
ALSO COVERED IN WALLPAPER PASTE.
ALDO POKES HIS HEAD IN THE ROOM AND
SEES GILLIAN COVERED IN PASTE. HE
SMILES A STUPID SMILE.
ALDO
Aye aye, what have yous been up to?
LIMMY GIVES ALDO A DIRTY LOOK, AND ALDO
DISAPPEARS BACK THE WAY HE CAME.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 5
114. THIEVING ROOM - 3 OF 3
OMITTED
28/09/10
35.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 5
28/09/10
36.
115. TIDY UP - 1 OF 3
LIMMY - BRIAN LIMOND
115
INT. MESSY LIVING ROOM. DAY
LIMMY WALKS INTO A MESSY LIVING ROOM.
THE SCENE IS SHOT FROM THE POV OF
SOMEONE SITTING ON A SEAT.
LIMMY LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM AND IS
DISGUSTED. HE GIVES A DIRTY LOOK TO THE
CAMERA.
LIMMY
Welcome to Limmy’s Show.
LIMMY NUDGES VARIOUS PIECES OF MESS
AROUND, GIVING A FRESH DIRTY LOOK TO
THE CAMERA EACH TIME.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
I’ve got somebody coming round later. Somebody
very important. Get this place tidied up.
LIMMY WALKS OUT THE DOOR AND NUDGES
ANOTHER PIECE OF MESS ON HIS WAY. HE
TURNS TO SAY ONE LAST THING.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
Enjoy the show.
LIMMY SLAMS THE DOOR.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 5
28/09/10
37.
116. TIDY UP - 2 OF 3
LIMMY - BRIAN LIMOND
VIP LADY 116
INT. MESSY LIVING ROOM. DAY
LIMMY CAN BE HEARD OUTSIDE THE ROOM
SPEAKING TO THE VIP, AN ELDERLY LADY.
VIP
Oh these are lovely, all the memories.
LIMMY
That’s you in that one there, see?
VIP
Oh aye. Oh here, that’s a lovely frame.
LIMMY WALKS IN THE DOOR, LOOKING OVER
HIS SHOULDER TO THE VIP.
LIMMY
And in here is...
LIMMY FACES FORWARD AND SEES THE MESS,
HE IS DISGUSTED AND SHAKES HIS HEAD AT
THE CAMERA SLOWLY AS HE LEADS THE VIP
IN.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
(To the VIP)
Sorry about the mess.
THE VIP WALKS IN AND LOOKS AROUND, NOT
BOTHERED BY THE MESS. LIMMY PRETENDS TO
LIKE THE AUDIENCE.
VIP
Och that’s fine, I’ve just got to look where
I’m standing.
LIMMY
Sorry. And here is the audience.
VIP
(To camera) Oh hello. Couldn’t see you there.
LIMMY
I’m not surprised you couldn’t see them, with
all the mess.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
116
Shooting Batch 5
CONTINUED:
28/09/10
38.
VIP
Oh that’s fine, they’re like that.
LIMMY
Aye, I suppose they are. C’mon and I’ll show
you next door.
VIP
Lovely size of room. (To camera) Bye.
THE VIP LEADS THE WAY OUT. SHE NEARLY
STANDS ON A PLUG.
VIP (CONT’D)
Oh, nearly stood on something there, haha.
LIMMY
Sorry.
LIMMY TURNS TO SHAKE HIS HEAD AT THE
CAMERA AS HE SHUTS THE DOOR
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 5
28/09/10
39.
117. TIDY UP - 3 OF 3
LIMMY - BRIAN LIMOND
VIP LADY 117
INT. MESSY LIVING ROOM. DAY
LIMMY CAN BE HEARD OUTSIDE THE ROOM
SPEAKING TO THE VIP.
LIMMY (O.S.)
Let me get the door for you.
VIP (O.S.)
Oh thanks, good to see there are still some
gentlemen left in the world.
LIMMY (O.S.)
Haha, no bother. And sorry again about the mess
in there.
VIP
The what? Oh that was nothing.
LIMMY (O.S.)
Alright, I’ll see you later.
VIP (O.S.)
Cheerybye.
LIMMY SHUTS THE FRONT DOOR AND IS HEARD
THUMPING TOWARDS THE ROOM DOOR. HE
KICKS IT OPEN AND SHOUTS AT THE CAMERA.
LIMMY
I want you oot!
AFTER A PAUSE, LIMMY RELAXES AND
SMILES.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
But in all seriousness, that’s the end of the
show, hope you enjoyed it, thanks for watching.
Thanks for tidying the room. Thanks for totally
embarrassing me in front of my guest. And
thanks for when she said hello to you, thanks
for not saying hello back, thanks for just
staring at her, I’m sure that made her feel
very welcome.
LIMMY GETS ANGRY AGAIN.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
117
Shooting Batch 5
CONTINUED:
28/09/10
40.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
I want you oot!
THE CREDITS ROLL UP THE SCREEN AS LIMMY
PUTS CLOTHES FROM THE FLOOR INTO A BAG.
WHEN THE CREDITS HAVE FINISHED, LIMMY
HOLDS UP THE BAG AND SAYS ONE LAST
THING.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
Oot!
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 5
28/09/10
41.
118. TOOTH FAIRY
LIMMY - BRIAN LIMOND
BEGGAR WENDY 118A EXT. STREET. DAY
LIMMY IS WALKING DOWN A CITY STREET.
THE CAMERA SEES HIM FROM THE POV OF A
BEGGAR.
BEGGAR (V.O.)
Any spare change?
LIMMY WALKS BY, IGNORING HIM.
BEGGAR (V.O.)
Alright, thanks, enjoy the rest of your day
anyway.
LIMMY STOPS IN HIS TRACKS AND WALKS
BACK, ANGRY.
LIMMY
What d’you mean anyway? Enjoy the rest of your
day anyway? What, enjoy the rest of the day
even though I deserve to have a bad one? Now
you look here, it wasn’t me who did...
118B GREEN SCREEN
THE BEGGAR PUNCHES LIMMY, CAUSING LIMMY
TO SPIT OUT A TOOTH. THE TOOTH FLIES
THROUGH THE AIR, DOWN STREETS, THROUGH
PARKS, UNTIL IT FLIES THROUGH A HOUSE
WINDOW.
CUT TO:
118C INT. WEE LASSIE’S BEDROOM. DAY.
WENDY, AN 8 YEAR-OLD LASSIE, IS
SLEEPING IN BED. THE TOOTH FLIES UNDER
HER PILLOW. IT WAKES HER UP. SHE
REACHES UNDER THE PILLOW AND PULLS OUT
A POUND COIN. SHE IS REALLY HAPPY.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 5
118C CONTINUED:
28/09/10
42.
LIMMY SMILES AT THE CAMERA, WITH A
MISSING TOOTH.
LIMMY
Aw, that’s nice.
SOMEBODY SNATCHES THE COIN FROM WENDY’S
HAND.
BEGGAR (O.S.)
Gie’s that!
THE CAMERA ZOOMS OUT TO SHOW THE BEGGAR
STANDING NEXT TO HER. WENDY IS UPSET.
BEGGAR (CONT’D)
Yaaaas!
LIMMY APPEARS FROM THE WARDROBE BEHIND.
LIMMY
Naw ye don’t!
LIMMY CHASES THE BEGGAR OUT OF SHOT.
CUT TO:
118D EXT. STREET. DAY
LIMMY GRABS THE BEGGAR AND WRESTLES FOR
THE COIN. THE COIN FLIES IN THE AIR.
LIMMY JUMPS ONTO THE BEGGAR AND LEAPS
INTO THE AIR TO GULP THE COIN.
LIMMY TURNS TO THE CAMERA AND SMILES TO
SHOW THE COIN HAS REPLACED THE MISSING
TOOTH. THE COIN TWINKLES.
THE BEGGAR PUNCHES LIMMY AGAIN AND THE
COIN FLIES THROUGH THE AIR AND INTO THE
WENDY’S WINDOW AS THE TOOTH DID
EARLIER. LIMMY AND THE BEGGAR WATCH ON.
CUT TO:
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 5
28/09/10
118E INT. WEE LASSIE’S BEDROOM. DAY.
THE TOOTH LANDS UNDER WENDY’S PILLOW.
SHE RUNS FOR THE PILLOW AND REACHES
UNDERNEATH EXCITEDLY. SHE PULLS OUT A
BLOODY TOOTH, AND STARTS CRYING.
LIMMY TURNS TO THE BEGGAR, DISGUSTED.
LIMMY
(To beggar)
Ye happy noo?
LIMMY TURNS TO THE CAMERA.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
I’m telling you, man, gie them nothing.
43.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 5
28/09/10
44.
119. TOOTHPASTE - 1 OF 3
LIMMY - BRIAN LIMOND
BARRY CLAIRE VOICE 119
INT. SHOP. DAY
VARIOUS CLOSE UP SHOTS OF A TOOTHPASTE
BOX CUT IN TIME TO DANCE SONG, WITH CUT
UP VOCALS.
VOICE
Toothpaste, paste, paste... paste, paste
paste... paste. Toothpaste, paste, paste...
paste, paste paste... paste.
THE MUSIC STOPS AND LIMMY IS SHOWN
STANDING AT A SHOP COUNTER, LIKE HE’S
JUST SNAPPED OUT OF A DREAM.
BARRY THE SHOPKEEPER IS WAITING TO
SERVE HIM AND CLAIRE, SOMEONE IN THE
QUEUE, IS STANDING BEHIND LIMMY.
THEY’RE BOTH LOOKING AT LIMMY SLIGHTLY
ODDLY.
LIMMY TRIES TO BEHAVE NORMALLY.
LIMMY
Em... how much is the toothpaste?
SHOPKEEPER
What kind is it?
LIMMY
Sorry, what was I doing there?
CLAIRE
You were singing a wee song.
LIMMY
Was it like a rap?
SHOPKEEPER
Aye, something like that.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
119
Shooting Batch 5
CONTINUED:
28/09/10
LIMMY TURNS TO THE CAMERA, AND SIGHS.
LIMMY
Not again.
45.