Vol. 14 Issue 44
All Rights Reserved © 2016
WEIRD JOBS
CHICKEN SEXER: checking baby chicks to determine whether they’re male or female
HAIR BOILER: boiling animal hair for a
living!
VERMICULTURIST: worm farmer.
CHEESE SPRAYER: spraying layers of
cheese on popcorn!
BLUEBERRY COUNTER: One potato, two
potato, three potato… more?!
ODOR JUDGERS: tester for deodorant effectiveness!
EYE BANK PROCURER: Gathering eyes and
corneas for transplants and research, ya see?
FISH LIVER SORTER: sort into buckets livers
of different sizes, shapes, colors and textures.
GOLF BALL DIVER: Diver that’s charged
with picking up golf balls from the bottom of
water hazards at golf courses
PET FOOD TESTER: makes sure that the food we feed our
pets is tasty and has all the ingredients listed on the label
PAPER TOWEL SNIFFER: people are
paid to smell paper towels to verify
that they have no smell at all!
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STARFISH HAVE NO BRAINS
GOD LOVES YOU BECAUSE OF WHO GOD IS, NOT BECAUSE OF ANYTHING YOU DID OR DIDN’T DO
LISTEN TO THE SILENCE UNTIL YOU HEAR YOUR SOUL
JAMES MADISON WAS THE LAST FOUNDING FATHER TO DIE
A MAN SAYS A FEW WORDS IN CHURCH AND
IS MARRIED.
A YEAR LATER HE MUTTERS SOMETHING IN HIS SLEEP AND FINDS HIMSELF DIVORCED
FISH AND HOUSEGUESTS BEGIN TO SMELL AFTER 3 DAYS
I'VE GOTTEN TO THE AGE WHERE I NEED MY FALSE TEETH AND HEARING AID BEFORE I CAN ASK WHERE I LEFT MY GLASSES.
FOLLICLE CHALLENGED
Two women were discussing the upcoming dance
at the country club.
"We're supposed to wear something that matches
our husband's hair, so I'm wearing a new dress with
grey pinstripes," said one of the women.
"Oh my," said the other, looking at her
bald headed husband, "I'd better not go."
GUEST SPEAKER
A MAGICIAN WAS DRIVING THEN HE TURNED INTO A DRIVEWAY
A guest at a dinner party noticed the host’s pedigreed
dog looking hungrily at every bite he took.
Finally he took a small piece of meat from his
plate.
Before he gave it to the animal he held it up
and said, "Speak!"
“Well,” the dog answered quietly, "Under the
circumstances, I hardly know what to say!"
AN EVANGELIST'S PRAYER
During a revival an evangelist asked for people in need of prayer. One man's request
was for his hearing. The evangelist spit on
his finger, put it in the man's ear, and asked
him, "How's your hearing now?"
The man replied, "I wouldn’t know. It's not
until next Tuesday."
WHEN I LOST MY RIFLE, THE ARMY CHARGED ME 85 DOLLARS. THAT IS WHY, IN THE NAVY, THE CAPTAIN GOES DOWN WITH THE SHIP
AN OBSTINATE MAN DOES NOT HOLD OPINIONS-OPINIONS HOLD HIM
YOU ARE NOT A DROP IN THE OCEAN, YOU ARE THE ENTIRE OCEAN IN A DROP
WHERE GOD GUIDES, HE PROVIDES
BE STRONG AND DO NOT GIVE UP, FOR YOUR WORK WILL BE REWARDED (2 CHRONICLES 15:7)
GOD LOVES YOU WAY TOO MUCH TO LEAVE YOU THE WAY YOU ARE
"OUR SOCIETY STRIVES TO AVOID ANY POSSIBILITY OF OFFENDING ANYONE - EXCEPT GOD." -BILLY GRAHAM
A MAN WITH ‘MONEY TO BURN’ WILL SOON MEET HIS MATCH
IT’S OKAY TO TRUST GOD; GO AHEAD...TRY IT
* It was Bulgarian-French philosopher Tzvetan Todorov who
made the following sage observation: "We should not be simply
fighting evil in the name of good, but struggling against the
certainties of people who claim always to know where good
and evil are to be found."
* As Halloween approaches, it's interesting to note
that in 16 states, you won't pay taxes on the candy you buy for trick-or-treaters; for tax purposes,
candy is categorized as groceries. Of course,
there's room for debate over what qualifies as
candy; breath mints and gum are usually included, along with the obvious -- chocolate bars,
hard candies and such. The tax code can get
even more detailed than that, though; for instance, in Florida (which taxes candy but not
groceries), marshmallows are tax-exempt,
but marshmallow candies are not.
* Recently retired sportscaster Vin Scully served
67 seasons as the play-by-play announcer for the Dodgers -starting in Brooklyn in 1950, then moving with the team to Los
Angeles in 1958 -- making him the longest-tenured broadcaster
with a single team in the history of professional sports. Over
the years he's had many fans, including Chris Carter, creator of
the long-running TV series "The X Files." One of the main
characters, Dana Scully (played by actress
Gillian Anderson), was named for the
sportscaster.
* In William Shakespeare's day, the sound
of thunder often was described as a "rouncerobble-hobble."
* The seahorse is the only animal whose head is
positioned at a right angle to its body.
Thought for the Day: "Patriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his
name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined
as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit it is the
first." -- Ambrose Bierce
(c) 2016 King Features Synd., Inc.