ONLY VISITING
By Elise Free
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SYNOPSIS: Edna and Carol, two suburbanite women approaching their
twilight years wander away from their all-inclusive resort and find
themselves lost in a seedy part of Montego Bay, Jamaica. Frightened of the
“black locals” they are rendered paralyzed as they try to strategize a way
back to safety. By stepping outside their comfort zone they realize, only
briefly, that their island paradise is only a paradise for the people who are
only visiting.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
EDNA (F)
CAROL (F)
PROP LIST
2 Nikon Cameras with straps
$300 cash
2 shopping or beach bags
1 fanny pack
2 sun visors
SET DESIGN
The play takes place in Montego Bay, Jamaica. The set can be as simple as a
park bench center stage, or a more elaborate design of run-down store fronts
with Jamaican tourist goods. The mood should be tropical, but sad, a
neighborhood where tourism was once great, but has dwindled to a series of
shacks that sell trinkets and rum.
AT RISE:
EDNA and CAROL, two middle-aged, wealthy suburbanites sit on a
park bench in Montego Bay, Jamaica. They are painfully out-of-place
and dressed like tourists, with cameras around the neck, a fannypack on CAROL, and both sporting their husbands’ Bermuda shorts.
The first four lines are read simultaneously.
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EDNA: Ohhhh. (Impressed, snaps a picture.)
CAROL: Ohhhh. (Impressed, snaps a picture.)
EDNA: Ohhhh. (Saddened, snaps a picture.)
CAROL: Ohhhh. (Saddened, snaps a picture.)
EDNA: Well, would you look at that.
CAROL: I know. It really makes you appreciate.
EDNA: Really makes you wonder.
CAROL: Yeah - - wonder what?
EDNA: I don’t know. It’s just an expression. You don’t have to mean
anything when you say it.
CAROL: Right. Well then, it really makes you wonder.
EDNA: We shouldn’t have left the resort.
CAROL: You were the one who wanted to see the culture.
EDNA: I know, I just didn’t think it would be this cultural.
CAROL: A lotta culture.
EDNA: Did you know there were so many blacks in Jamaica?
CAROL: Aunt Mable came here in ‘60, but she didn’t mention all the
blacks.
EDNA: Maybe they weren’t here then.
CAROL: Who’s that singer with the hair?
EDNA: Right. The guy on the ship did an impression of him. Bob
Marley.
Copyright © MCMXCVIII by Elise Free. All rights reserved. Caution:
Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that ONLY VISITING is
subject to a royalty. ALL INQUIRIES CONCERNING PERFORMANCE
RIGHTS, INCLUDING AMATEUR RIGHTS, SHOULD BE DIRECTED
TO HEUER PUBLISHING LLC, PO BOX 248, CEDAR RAPIDS IA,
52406. www.heuerpub.com
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CAROL: He’s from here.
EDNA: And he’s black. He seems like a nice man. I’m sure we have
nothing to worry about. We all have red blood right?
CAROL: I would assume so.
EDNA: Me too.
CAROL: Yeah, well, we should get back. Roger’s probably slipping
into a wet suit.
EDNA: Sounds romantic.
CAROL: Not really. What time is it?
EDNA: Almost one.
CAROL: You hungry?
EDNA: Starving. What’s the meal today?
CAROL: I think it’s the buffet, and those cute little dancers are going
to perform while we eat. I just love those native dances. Roger
said last night they did Guys and Dolls Reggae style.
EDNA: I would’ve loved to see that.
CAROL: They couldn’t understand half of it. You would think for
tourists they could tone down the accent.
EDNA: For what we’re paying!
CAROL: (Looking out at children playing.) Ohhhh! Can you imagine
sending your kids out with no shoes?
EDNA: Or shirts?
CAROL: The tour guide said they don’t even send their kids to
church and some of them don’t even worship Jesus Christ our
Lord and Savior.
EDNA: Who else would you worship?
CAROL: Some Rastafari guy.
EDNA: Rasta - - ?
CAROL: Fari, he’s like Jesus, except he’s black.
EDNA: Dear Lord.
CAROL: I need to get back to the resort.
EDNA: I’m glad we did this.
CAROL: Me too. I learned a lot.
EDNA: I’ve grown.
CAROL: So many real estate possibilities. Where’s that map of the
island?
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EDNA: In my fanny pack. (Looks down, can’t find it.) Carol, where’s
my pack?
CAROL: Oh crap, here we go.
EDNA: Oh my God. Oh my God, Carol, it’s gone. Carol, get up - get
up - get up - (Looks under the bench.)
CAROL: Don’t get all riled up. We’ll find it. Let’s retrace our steps.
EDNA: But I don’t remember where we stepped.
CAROL: Calm down, Edna! We’ll find it. Let’s think back.
EDNA: Okay, we left the resort, walked past - CAROL: That little store - EDNA: Browsed around a bit - CAROL: You found that cute little turtle shell bowl - EDNA: Bartered with that guy - CAROL: Half price - EDNA: Good deal. I really talked him down. Forty dollars and not a
cent more, I said.
CAROL: Did you have it then?
EDNA: I don’t remember. No, no, I used the money in my bra.
CAROL: You put your money in your brassiere? Edna!
EDNA: I sewed a little pocket on the strap so if I got mugged - CAROL: They would have to feel you up.
EDNA: So it wouldn’t get ripped off!
CAROL: Does it work?
EDNA: Yeah. Here, look. (Shoves a hand in her shirt.)
CAROL: Edna, for crying out loud. So after the store, we bought a
warm Coke from that girl.
EDNA: No bottle opener.
CAROL: Well, what do you expect? Everything’s backwards. They
probably open the bottles with their teeth or something.
EDNA: (A stark realization, as if life is flashing before her eyes.)
Carol, we’re going to die out here.
CAROL: No, we aren’t. We’ll ask someone how to get back.
EDNA: I wanted to see the culture, not interact with it. Ask that guy.
CAROL: It’s your fanny pack.
EDNA: What if he speaks that Patois language? (A horrible
pronunciation of the word ‘patois.’)
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CAROL: You read the brochure with the translations. Do you want
to die out here?
EDNA: Carol, watch your mouth. I’m afraid all of this culture isn’t
good for you.
CAROL: Death, Edna.
EDNA: Fine. (Addressing the man.) Let’s see, uh, hey mon, uh, gi
mi a where’s to uh, Sandal’s Royal Jamaican Resort, mon - (Looks at Carol.) He doesn’t know. (Back to man.) Oh, well cool
runnings, mon.
CAROL: Give him some money.
EDNA: What?
CAROL: For his troubles, mon.
EDNA: Oh, right. (Reaches into her bra with both hands, fondles
around, goes in from the sleeve and under her shirt. The man is
scared and runs away.) Well, don’t go. Wait, no, you don’t
understand, my money’s in here. Hey, come back. I gi you a
smallers fo yas troubles, mon.
CAROL: Still got it!
EDNA: Oh, shut up. Now what?
CAROL: Maybe Roger will come looking for us.
EDNA: They have that stupid scuba diving class all day.
CAROL: Great! We’re lost in the dirty elements, and all they can
think about are ways to entertain themselves.
EDNA: Of all the humanity.
A pathetic silence as they both feel sorry for themselves.
CAROL: I’m hungry.
EDNA: I can just taste the mangos dipped in sugar and coconut
drops drizzled in chocolate, and some bammy cakes and guava
cheese and - - (Starts to lose it.)
CAROL: Get a hold of yourself, Edna. You’re talking crazy. There is
no salad bar, no mangos, nothing but nappy children and old men
looking to victimize unsuspecting women. And we are
unsuspecting women, Edna. We are the minority.
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EDNA: Well, I don’t like it. I want to go back. I want to go scuba
diving and golfing and sunbathe naked in the white sands with all
the other English-speaking people. How much money do you
have?
CAROL: Three hundred dollars.
EDNA: On you?
CAROL: Yes.
EDNA: Did you hide it somewhere?
CAROL: Yes.
EDNA: Where?
CAROL: In my pants.
EDNA: In a pocket?
CAROL: Not really.
EDNA: In your underwear?
CAROL: Yes, okay.
EDNA: Did you sew it on?
CAROL: No, it’s just there.
EDNA: How do you? Never mind.
CAROL: Can we focus? For once in our lives, can we think before
we do something, gosh darnit?
EDNA: There you go again with that language.
CAROL: Well, I didn’t learn it here.
EDNA: If we want to come out of this alive, we need to stick together.
CAROL: You’re right.
EDNA: Oh my god.
CAROL: What is it?
EDNA: What if we become like them?
CAROL: Talking crazy again.
EDNA: No, I’m serious. What if Roger and Dave never find us and
we’re just left here, no money, no place to call our own?
CAROL: We have three hundred dollars.
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EDNA: And when that’s gone, then what, huh? We’ll have to
prostitute ourselves just for a little cash to buy rum to drink our
troubles away in our mud huts or whatever and we’ll have to listen
to Reggae and worship Rastawhatevertheheckhisnameis and
forget who we are or where we came from and die some ungodly
death in this hot cesspool and no one will come to our funeral,
because all our friends and family will be in America selling real
estate, or worse, scuba diving.
CAROL: (Slaps her.) Holy Mary and Joseph! It’s not going to
happen.
EDNA: Who says? The U.N.? Do you think anyone cares that we
are here, starving, dehydrated, melting away?
CAROL: We are Americans. They don’t let us die like that.
Someone has to come.
EDNA: A rescue party? No way, Carol. This is the end.
CAROL: We should’ve gone to Puerto Rico.
EDNA: Carol, Carol, that man is walking right towards us.
CAROL: Dear God in heaven.
EDNA: Pretend like we’re busy.
CAROL: How?
EDNA: Talk.
CAROL: What?
EDNA: Talk to me like you are really interested in our conversation.
CAROL: (Over-exaggerated enunciation, as if they were talking to
someone who only reads lips.) Oh, okay - - so then we went to
this quaint little place called The Doctor’s Cave Beach and the
locals believe - - is he still coming?
EDNA: Yes, talk talk talk - - oh really, uh huh.
CAROL: And the locals believe that if you bathe there you will be
healed of any illnesses.
EDNA: Really, how terribly interesting - - here he is, act natural.
(Both women look up at him like he is going to kill them.)
CAROL: Do we want to buy what?
EDNA: Ganja? Carol, that wasn’t in the brochure.
CAROL: You smoke it?
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EDNA: So it’s like tobacco? (To Carol.) That doesn’t look like
tobacco.
CAROL: I think its grass.
EDNA: What?
CAROL: Marijuana. (Whispering to Edna loudly.) He’s a drug
dealer.
EDNA: Here, I’ll handle this. Irey, ‘mon, but mi sista and mi from
America, mon, we not smokin’ yo big bamboo. Now, get lost, fatty.
(He leaves.)
CAROL: Edna, you were wonderful!
EDNA: I feel so powerful.
CAROL: A true survivor, you saved our lives.
EDNA: I did, didn’t I? Who knows, he could’ve had a gun, but I just
kept on talking.
CAROL: He could’ve raped us.
EDNA: I’m not really a hero.
CAROL: Drugged us to be taken back to his straw hut to take care of
his fields, his children, and never see our families again.
EDNA: Disgusting people. It really makes you wonder.
CAROL: It sure does.
EDNA: So what do you think that ganja stuff is like?
CAROL: For crying out loud.
EDNA: Carol, look.
They see a young girl who is obviously destitute.
CAROL: Ohhhh. (Saddened.)
EDNA: Ohhhh. (Saddened.)
CAROL: So sad.
EDNA: It’s sad, alright.
CAROL: Maybe we should give her some money.
EDNA: Carol, they told us not to. We can’t let them think it’s okay to
beg.
CAROL: But she’s not begging.
EDNA: It’s probably a ploy. Her family is at home in their mansion,
soaking in a hot tub, waiting for the day’s collection.
CAROL: She looks kinda sick.
EDNA: Well, we can’t go near her anyway. She could have hepatitis
or herpes.
CAROL: Did you get your shots?
EDNA: Tetanus.
There is an uncomfortable silence where neither knows what to do.
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CAROL: She looks like Sarah did when she was little. Doesn’t she?
When I put her hair up in braids for school.
EDNA: (Warning.) But darker.
CAROL: Edna, I’m giving her my money.
EDNA: She’ll just buy drugs with it.
CAROL: She’s a baby.
EDNA: Babies can smoke too, Carol.
CAROL: No, I’m going to do it.
EDNA: How much?
CAROL: All of it.
EDNA: Are you crazy?
CAROL: Maybe.
EDNA: Now is not the time to be a humanitarian. It’s just guilt. It’ll
go away once we get back and soak in a hot tub.
CAROL: Listen to you.
EDNA: What?
CAROL: The hot tub? What have we become?
EDNA: We’ve always been like this.
CAROL: We have?
EDNA: Yes.
CAROL: She’s gone. Where’d she go?
EDNA: Home.
CAROL: Right, you’re right, she just looked so normal, like - -
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EDNA: Carol, hello. Did we lose you for a second? She was a scam.
We’re on vacation. Let’s not ruin it. (A long pause before she
justifies her apathy.) She lives in paradise. (They sit unable to
look at each other.)
CAROL: Edna, does that shop look familiar? (They stand up, turn
around and see the resort behind them.)
EDNA: Ohhhh.
CAROL: Ohhhh.
THE END