Shaping and Reshaping my Identity
By
Chan Ho Ying, Natalie
I cast away my old self, put on a new “me”, took my intercultural experience
with me, and I am ready to see the world again. I came back from my journey and I
have changed. It has been a journey of self-realization and transformation. I have
grown to learn about myself, about my identities and my cultures. Before I went on a
one-year exchange to Canada, the issue of identity never truly bothered me. I was a
carefree and self-contained Hong Kong citizen though I was born in China. I moved
to Hong Kong when I was six; since then, I have lived here all my life, happily having
my childhood and adolescence here and growing up like other Hong Kong kids.
During my exchange programme at York University, for the first time, I truly felt that
there was something going on with my identity that I needed to address. It was the
issue of a marginal Hong Kong identity which is relational to a dominant Chinese
identity. On struggling between these two identities, I have come to a deeper
understanding that an identity should not be fixed or formulated by criteria like
nations or cities, skin colors or cultures. An identity should be shaped and reshaped
constantly by various life experiences. The journey to finding a truly settled and fixed
identity is never ending, or it may never exist.
I felt strongly that my preferred (cultural) Hong Kong identity was reduced,
unrecognized and ignored, while my ascribed (national) Chinese identity was
repeatedly reinforced by others. When I attended the orientation held by my host
university in Canada, I encountered an “identity reduction”. I was introduced as
“Natalie from China” by the hostess. I felt there was a need to correct her so I added:
‘Well, I’m from Hong Kong’. But no one else seemed to value my response.
I was disappointed. I was also disappointed another time in the Barcelona El Prat
Airport. When I was checking in at the counter, the Spanish staff requested to see my
connecting flight ticket to China. But the Hong Kong S.A.R. was already my final
destination. I was not returning to China. The staff member may not have had any
ideas about Hong Kong, so he assumed that, since I have “China PRC” printed on my
passport, I must be a Chinese returning to China. It took us sometime to make things
clear that I held a Hong Kong S.A.R. passport and was returning to Hong Kong. My
flight had nothing to do with China. Mine is not a Chinese passport, but a Hong Kong
passport. Legally and practically they are different. But in the eyes of the others, I was
just one of 1.3 billion Chinese. I wished to let people know that I am from Hong Kong
and I am proud of it. The reason why being identified with the right identity is so
important is related to the notion of ‘fitting in and belonging’. Yes, I feel that I fit in
more with the culture of Hong Kong and with the people from Hong Kong. I like our
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“Please line up” culture, I love our art of “making do” and I uphold our traditional
Chinese characters and Cantonese expressions. These feelings propel me to feel that I
therefore presumably belong to Hong Kong.
Though I was born in China, I do not feel that I belong to that place because I do
not fit in well with the culture in China nor with the people from China. I have not
made that many friends from China. Maybe it has to do with the sharing of popular
knowledge and common experiences of a culture. Popular knowledge and common
experiences are two determining factors in this “fitting in and belonging” or identity
formation. My popular knowledge of Hong Kong and my common experiences with
fellow Hong Kong people bind me to not only the location of Hong Kong but also the
cultural background of Hong Kong. With people from Hong Kong, I share the
knowledge of our government bureaucracy, of our education system and of our
transport system; how comfortable it is to ride on the MTR! With them, I share the
common experiences of shopping at ParkNShop or Welcome supermarkets; with my
follow Hong Kong students I share the common memory of battling A-level exams. In
contrast, I do not share much popular knowledge and common experiences of China
with fellow Chinese in China; I do not find myself fitting into the cultural framework
of China. In other words, I find resonance in my sense of a Hong Kong identity while
I find dissonance in my sense of a Chinese identity.
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As much as popular knowledge and common experiences may prove that identity
is culturally constructed, they also mean that identity is emotionally charged. I like
Hong Kong because of its history, its culture and its local spirit and consciousness; it
is special to me. I am emotionally attached to Hong Kong. I am proud of the
economic achievement of Hong Kong: we are a globally connected financial hub; our
economy remains strong amidst nowadays global economic hard time. But I am
disappointed at Hong Kong’s social development: the minimal wage law was just
passed this year, we have a huge wealth disparity in Hong Kong, and we lack
democracy. Even though I may uphold my Hong Kong identity as I am emotionally
attached to Hong Kong, it does not mean that I cannot be emotionally attached to
China. Sometimes, I somehow feel emotionally connected to other aspects of my
identity - my ascribed Chinese self. I recall a discussion with my international friends
where we were talking about which language is the most “beautiful” language in the
world. As the discussion went on, the debate was among only Spanish, English and
Chinese, if I remember correctly. I stood by Chinese so much that I kept telling my
friends how beautiful the Chinese language is, in terms of its artistic forms of
representation as in calligraphy and its multiplicity of proverbs. I realized that I was
and am quite attached to the Chinese language, which links my Hong Kong self to my
Chinese self. I cannot and will not deny my language. Therefore, I cannot and will not
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deny the linkage between me and China. Language is also an essential component in
forming one’s identity. Though I may not share the popular knowledge or common
experiences with my 1.3 billion follow Chinese, I do share an inherited language with
them, which necessarily reinforces my Chinese identity. As a result of this realization,
I understand that identity is multifaceted; it is in itself complex and multiple. Identity
is not a formula of either A or B, but can be A and B or X and Y or more, recognizing
the complexity in identity.
In trying to define my identity, I realized that instead of opening up possibilities
in my identity, I was reducing possibilities for my identity. I thought it was the others
who reduced my identity from Hongkonger to Chinese, making me feel unrecognized.
But in fact, it was me, who had a single-minded mindset, ignored my Chinese self and
reduced my perspectives of being a Chinese, leaving myself with one single lens
instead of two. Possessing two sets of perspectives helps me to look critically at both
Hong Kong and China. However, realizing that my identity consists of two identities
does not mean I have solved the issue of my identity. I am still and will always be in
search of my identity because I know that, my identity is constantly and subtly being
reshaped and expanded as I acquired more intercultural experience.
It is because I have a Spanish boyfriend, I am given another identity – an “other
Chinese”. When I visited my boyfriend in Spain this summer, I was referred to as “la
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novia china”, meaning “the Chinese girlfriend”. To my boyfriend’s family and friends,
I was the first Chinese girl they met and “knew”, by “knew” I mean not only knowing
that there are Chinese out there, but virtually being related to a Chinese, thanks to my
boyfriend. My boyfriend always jokes that he is not special; the only thing that makes
him special is having a Chinese girlfriend. In Spain, I am an atypical Chinese. My
boyfriends’ family and friends know that I am from Hong Kong, a part of China, but
not exactly China. They also know that I speak Cantonese and English but my
Mandarin is as limited as my Spanish. To them, I was not the typical Chinese they
know in their community or in the China town. When I was in a restaurant in the
China town in Valencia, the Chinese first spoke Spanish to me, but I did not
understand them, then they spoke Mandarin to me, thinking that I am a Chinese I
must speak Mandarin. But I do not. At that moment, I was also an atypical Chinese to
them, I was a Chinese who does not speak Chinese. I am an “other Chinese” to both
my boyfriend’s family and friends and the Chinese in Spain. I realized that even
though I have come a long way to recognize my Chinese identity, my recognition is
still challenged by intercultural social interaction. I thought I had a Chinese identity,
but in the eyes of the others, such identity is yet as an “other Chinese” identity.
Because of my Hong Kong background, and my intercultural experience, I think
I am never going to acquire a mainstream identity of any kind. I will not have a pure
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identity as a Hong Kong identity or a Chinese identity, or be satisfied with a sum of
the two. I believe that identity is always under the process of shaping and reshaping.
One can hardly acquire a fully settled and constant identity unless one dies. Maybe in
the future, when I live in Spain, being a Hong Kong Chinese Spanish will trigger even
more in-depth thoughts on the issue of my identity, of an ever-changing self. But right
now, I can say I am a Hong Kong Chinese, learning Spanish and Mandarin, preparing
myself for more intercultural experience that will benefit my understanding of my
identity and myself. The journey must go on.
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About the author
Natalie Chan is a fourth-year English major and Spanish minor. In the 2010-11
academic year, she spent two semesters at York University in Toronto, Canada as an
exchange student.
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