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Becoming Starry Eyed
TABLE OF CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION ............................................................................................................................... 4
SWELL SEASONS: The common bonds of motherhood ......................................................... 6
STORMY NIGHTS: Embracing the richness of both .................................................................. 9
BECOMING MY MOTHER: Walking a similar path ............................................................... 13
TOGETHER WE’VE GOT THIS: Finding your people ............................................................. 17
DEAR FIFTEEN: Lessons from the future ................................................................................... 22
RELATIONSHIPS: Creating a legacy of love ............................................................................ 26
BIRTHING A NEW CONCEPT OF GOD ................................................................................30
CONFIDENCE OVER CONFORMITY: Remembering what we love .............................. 34
BREATHING-IN THE LIGHT: Drawing inspiration from the people around us ................ 38
CULTIVATING DELIGHT .............................................................................................................. 42
SABBATH LIKE A SUNRISE: Restoring our weary places ..................................................... 44
THE DARK NIGHT OF WINTER ................................................................................................ 48
A CONSTELLATION OF REASONS: Extracting truth from the natural world .............. 50
SENSUALITY: Becoming comfortable in our skin ......................................................................55
FEMININE POWER: Learning to show ourselves kindness .................................................... 56
CULTIVATING A HOSPITABLE HEART ................................................................................ 59
MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE ................................................................................................ 62
THE POWER OF STORY .............................................................................................................. 66
CELEBRATING A WORTHY CALLING ................................................................................... 69
LEARNING TO FEEL ALL OUR FEELINGS .......................................................................... 71
FAILURE IS NO BIG DEAL ...........................................................................................................77
EXPOSING THE SHAME THAT HOLDS US CAPTIVE .................................................... 80
CONFESSIONALS: Finding the courage to be honest ........................................................... 83
TALKING WITH GOD .................................................................................................................... 86
HOPE LOOKS LIKE DESPAIR .................................................................................................... 89
A DAZZLING UNFOLDING: The process of becoming ourselves ...................................... 93
THE NORTH STAR: When the next step is uncertain .............................................................. 96
GOOD THINGS RUN WILD ........................................................................................................ 99
AUTHOR BIOS ................................................................................................................................ 101
Becoming Starry Eyed
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INTRODUCTION
This is a collection of thoughts and practices about light and darkness but
it is also about hope and despair and what to do when you don’t know
what to do. It is a path of bread crumbs for the traveller who stands at the
threshold of the unknown, reminding us all that someone has gone ahead
of us and has left hints to help guide us home.
As a guide for you dear friend, we’ve broken each chapter of this
workbook into four bite- sized sections.
WISE WORDS
These tidbits of wisdom are small but have the ability to spark mighty
conversations among the members of your group. Like catching up with a
trusted friend, these little quotes will warm your soul, make you stop and
think, and guide you whenever you’re searching for some inspiration.
STORY AND SOUL
Speaking of trusted friends, we’ve gathered stories from a few of our own.
This section of each chapter is where you’ll discover tales of what it looks
like to live a Starry Eyed life every single day. Here are 28 stories of living
in both light and dark. Stories about lives filled with detours and loss, and
with bliss so big that it can hardly be contained. These snapshots of real
life have been curated to resonate with all of us – no matter what stage of
motherhood we find ourselves in.
CONSTELLATIONS
Looking up at a night sky scattered with gleaming stars is beautiful but it’s
not until you draw imaginary lines that the majesty of the constellations
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Becoming Starry Eyed
are finally revealed. This section of every chapter acts as these imaginary
lines that bring this year’s entire MOPS experience to life.
From corresponding readings taken from Starry-Eyed by Mandy Arioto
and segments in the Becoming ... Starry Eyed videos, we’ve created a
roadmap that weaves these amazing resources together to make
navigating through this year of Becoming Starry Eyed both easy and
meaningful.
VESPERS
Finally, we’re asking you to share your own story. This is where you’ll find
an activity or exercise designed to help engage your heart and your mind
and let you explore your own feelings about a topic. You have something
to tell. It’s what makes you fascinating. So grab a pencil (or maybe just
the nearest crayon) and allow your soul to spill out onto these pages.
Guess what else? We made this book especially for you. We might have
left some hints of inspiration for you to follow on your journey but how you
decide to use this inspiration is completely up to you. Each chapter is
perfectly crafted for sharing with your group yet intimate enough to use
on your own. So share something wild with the ladies you love most or
explore your own quiet depths on this journey to Becoming Starry Eyed.
Becoming Starry Eyed
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• CHAPTER 1 •
SWELL SEASONS:
THE COMMON BONDS OF
MOTHERHOOD
WISE WORDS
I think with motherhood and child-rearing in general, everyone’s going to
tell you how to do it and why. I’ve always said to other mothers and
women when they’ve asked me, that you have to find your own way and
find out what works for your family, at all costs. - Brooke Burke
STORY AND SOUL: SOMETHING TO WONDER ABOUT
JAZZERCISE AND BEING A GOOD MUM
BY MANDY ARIOTO
I am about to say some things that will offend your modern mothering
instincts. When my mum was pregnant with my brother, her obstetrician
recommended she drink one beer a night to help with digestion. No joke.
BTW, he is totally fine, no need to worry about him. My 87-year-old
neighbour, Beverly, tells me when she was raising her babies the popular
thing to do was to walk your baby to the store during naptime. The baby
would fall asleep on the walk over, then they would park them in their
stroller out in front of the store with all of the other sleeping babies to sleep
in the fresh air, while Beverly and all the other mums would get their
shopping done. My friend Adrianna, from Poland, toilet-trained all her
kids when they were infants because that is what every woman in her
family had done before her. You heard that right – infants. And when I
was 11 years old, our next-door neighbour would pay me 25 cents an hour
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to watch her three kids while she went to Jazzercise. I was 11 years old
watching three toddlers. And it was totally normal. All the other mums in
the neighbourhood thought she was brilliant for finding cheap childcare.
Aren’t mums amazing? Each of us, doing our best, offering our whole
selves to the process, and relying on our fellow tribeswomen to share
stories and to remind us that parenting is a forever evolving endeavour.
When I think about my mum, and Beverly and my childhood neighbour, I
can’t help but believe that just like every generation that has gone before
us, we are pioneers that have to machete through new terrain. We’ll do
some things right and some things that will shock the women to whom we
tell our stories in 30 years, and maybe that is the miraculous part of it.
That we all do mothering and womaning (yes, I made up that word)
differently but we are all in it together.
There are times in this mothering gig when we will feel inadequate or
overwhelmed but there will be other moments that are so unexpectedly
beautiful we will be swept away with the significance of it all. Motherhood
is full of swell seasons and the best part of each one is that we have each
other to share it with.
CONSTELLATIONS: ADDITIONAL ILLUMINATION ON THIS TOPIC
 Watch the “Becoming ... Wonderstruck Moms” video in your MOPS
group
 Read the “Swell Seasons” chapter in Starry-Eyed by Mandy Arioto
VESPERS: A PRACTICE TO BECOME STARRY EYED
Colour this in as a way to acknowledge that there is power and beauty in
bringing together all the different stories, people and ways of doing
motherhood.
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• CHAPTER 2 •
STORMY NIGHTS:
EMBRACING THE RICHNESS OF BOTH
WISE WORDS
Sometimes I get lonesome for a storm. A full blown storm where
everything changes. The sky goes through four days in an hour, the trees
wail, little animals skitter in the mud and everything gets completely dark
and wild. - Joan Baez
STORY AND SOUL: SOMETHING TO WONDER ABOUT
AN IDOLATRY OF MAGNITUDE
BY MANDY ARIOTO
There is a full moon tonight. A wind is rustling through the palm trees,
blowing in from the hot, dry places and the whole world feels like it’s
poised for something different; like the winds are shifting and along with
them, everything else. It is one of those moments when you wonder if life
will ever be the same, because the beauty of the moment has overcome
you in an intangible but unforgettable way.
I feel a deep compulsion to search out big moments like this. It is woven
into my DNA thanks to my dad who was on the same quest to experience
life in the biggest ways. It is a quest for experiences that brings an energy
that lifts us beyond the contingencies of our own resources; experiences
that catch us up in something more powerful than any force we might
generate on our own. But the truth is, most of my days are normal, filled
with a semi-predictable schedule that blends one day into the next. Yet as
I add years to my timeline on earth, I have realised that the most lifeBecoming Starry Eyed
9
giving moments are both big and small, loud and quiet, magical and
mundane: both.
I have a wise friend who is in his eighties and is convinced our generation
has epidemic rates of depression and anxiety because we have acquired
an idolatry of magnitude. We think if we don’t master everything, or have
the most extreme stories, or live completely off the grid, or change the
world, or make the biggest salary, or give everything away, then we’ve
somehow failed. We are convinced it has to be all one way; it is a
misplaced fixation on extremes.
He makes a good point. We have an obsession with extremes, when in
reality life usually lands somewhere in the middle. We think we have to
pick one, when in reality it is always both. Light and dark, hope and fear,
kindness and risk, wonder and mundane. There are big moments and
small moments and both are good. We are people who are meant to live
by both sunlight and moonlight. Why would we think that choosing one
extreme is the path to wholeness and fulfillment?
Today, if you are hoping for a big shift to happen and wishing that life
would show up and sweep you off your feet, if you are gasping for a big
moment to remind you that you are indeed alive, maybe look in smaller
out-of-the-way places. Because life shows up in all different ways and
there is tremendous comfort in accepting that it is both. Always both.
CONSTELLATIONS: ADDITIONAL ILLUMINATION ON THIS TOPIC
 Watch the “Becoming ... Starry Eyed” video in your MOPS group
 Read the “Blessing the Night” chapter in Starry-Eyed by Mandy
Arioto
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VESPERS: A PRACTICE TO BECOME STARRY EYED
Many times when a person is looking for something in their lives and not
getting the answers they are searching for, they will enlist the help of a
Spiritual Director. A Spiritual Director is someone who helps explore the
question, “What is it that you need?” A question Jesus often asked
individuals he encountered. The reason for this question is because our
deepest soul-level needs usually show up in the form of longings or desires.
It is through exploring our deepest longings that we begin to understand
ourselves and begin to create space to understand how to live an
undivided life. Today, make a list of things you are longing for.
Becoming Starry Eyed
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LONGINGS AND DESIRES
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• CHAPTER 3 •
BECOMING MY MOTHER:
WALKING A SIMILAR PATH
WISE WORDS
The women who I love and admire for their strength and grace did not
get that way because crap worked out. They got that way because crap
went wrong, and they handled it in a thousand different ways on a
thousand different days, but they handled it. Those women are my
superheroes. – Elizabeth Gilbert
STORY AND SOUL: SOMETHING TO WONDER ABOUT
WALKING WITH EACH OTHER
BY EMILY T WIERENGA
It is hot, and my baby’s skin is hotter.
She weeps, her stomach pressed against my forearm; it’s a position I’ve
learned from months of colic. We pace the sidewalk in front of the board
game café and I can see the back of my husband’s head through the
window. It is his 35th birthday and I’ve surprised him with a trip to the city
– us, our 4-month-old daughter and some friends. We’d just set up a
board game when Aria began to wail. I’d slipped outside to resume what
I’d been doing already for months: walking my baby through her sorrow.
Aria quiets for a moment and I step inside to take my turn, and then she
starts again, her body turning rigid and her face red. The lastborn of our
three. This little girl we’d dreamed about and prayed for; the one we
Becoming Starry Eyed
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thought we’d conceived – and then miscarried – and after another year of
trying, had conceived again. And now, here she was – unhappy.
The first couple of weeks she’d slept and eaten and then slept some more,
but one day the sleeping had stopped. I had walked with her to the
supermarket to buy groceries and ended up nursing her in the back of our
small-town post office, desperate to quiet the sadness.
Night and day we walked, balancing Aria carefully on our arms, lifting
her, lowering her, swinging her, entreating God while praying our two sons
wouldn’t tire of her – and their love never did; “Oh Aria,” they’d say, then
resume playing with Lego.
And as I walked, my newborn’s cries pealing, I remembered my stay in the
children’s hospital when I was 11. Mum at my side, pacing with me down
the lonely hallways as I counted steps and calories in my green hospital
gown. It was four years of anorexia nervosa; Mum walking with me
through my sorrow.
And then, more than a decade later, it was my turn to walk with Mum.
She’d contracted brain cancer and could no longer string a sentence
together – she could only sing hymns as she tried to remember how to
dress herself. And I’d put my arm around her as she’d step lopsided from
her bedroom to the couch, and she’d stop and sway to the music on the
radio, all the while leaning on me.
Aria’s asleep now and I slip into the café, tuck her in the car seat and sit
quietly at the table. She’ll wake in a minute and it will start all over, but for
now her body is at peace. And so is mine.
I breathe and think about God, walking us through our shame and sorrow
in the garden at the beginning of time. Life began with us walking
together.
And even as Aria stirs and her face twists and I reach out to pick her up, I
know one day she’ll do the same for me.
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Becoming Starry Eyed
Because this is what love does; it walks each other the long path home.
CONSTELLATIONS: ADDITIONAL ILLUMINATION ON THIS TOPIC
 Read the “Becoming My Mother” chapter in Starry-Eyed by Mandy
Arioto
VESPERS: A PRACTICE TO BECOME STARRY EYED
Find an old picture of your mom or grandma. Spend a few minutes
noticing who she was in her younger years. Journal about the ways you
want to be like her. What memories or attributes do you want to leave
behind? What choices do you want to make different from her? What
legacy has your mum given you? Do you need to forgive her for
anything? Do you need to thank her for anything? What memories do
you want your kids to have of you when they are grown?
Becoming Starry Eyed
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BECOMING MY MOTHER
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• CHAPTER 4 •
TOGETHER WE’VE GOT THIS:
FINDING YOUR PEOPLE
WISE WORDS
We need each other so much. Going through this world without a village
of people you can love and be loved by is not what we are made to do. I
have had such a battle all my life connecting and staying connected,
getting out of my own way and being vulnerable and open. But we are
never better than when we are together. We are at our best in community
... We are capable of love and empathy and sweetness and connection, so
much deeper than we even understand. - Matt Nathanson
STORY AND SOUL: SOMETHING TO WONDER ABOUT
A PLACE IN THE MIDDLE
BY LEEANA TANKERSLEY
I have a dear friend who always felt like a third wheel growing up. She
had two neighbourhood friends who liked her and included her, but
always shared a closer connection with each other than with her. For years
this went on. She enjoyed the company of these two girls, but never felt
like a full member of their club.
As a result, she had trouble in her adult relationships with women, often
feeling like she was superfluous. Fun to have around, sure – but ultimately
dispensable. Her fear of being the appendage kept her from believing she
could be truly close to other women.
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At some point she decided to take a chance. She told some trusted friends
about her fear: that she was important to them, but not all that necessary.
That, perhaps, they were just nicely tolerating her presence.
To prove her wrong, these friends devised a genius plan and decided to
do something revolutionary: They put her in the middle. Literally.
When they all went to the movies together, she was made to sit in the
middle. When they walked down the street together, everyone arranged
themselves around her. When they went to coffee, she was never on the
edge of the table. Always in the centre.
This was a physical reminder of an emotional truth: she was not a
periphery person in their lives. The simple act of putting her in the centre of
things became a healing force in her life, subverting the toxic messages in
her head that were keeping her from true connection with other women.
I have always, always loved that story. The crux of it, for me, is the
moment my friend decided to open up and tell her friends her fears. Had
she kept her little secret – her distorted view of reality – she would have
missed out on their radical gesture of healing love.
How brave of her to want connection more than she wanted to stay in
control. The heart of friendship is about letting ourselves be seen, letting
someone else in on our truth, our fears, our past, our toxic assumptions.
This is vulnerable, because it opens us up to all kinds of possibilities: Being
secretly judged. Being a disappointment. Being “too much” for everyone to
handle. Being dismissed or misunderstood. All of these possibilities are
scary.
But what if we decided to choose connection over our own comfort, our
own need for control? What if we took the risk of opening the door to our
lives and let each other in a tiny bit more? What if connection is a better
way to live?
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I tend to be very intolerant of my own needs, worried about being a
disappointment or burden to others. What’s funny is that I’ve found I’m
much more concerned about my neediness than my friends are. They
enjoy getting to love me. They enjoy getting to help me. They enjoy
getting to witness what’s really going on in my head and heart and home.
They value being “let in.”
I often think about the ancient story of the invalid man whose friends
carried him on a stretcher to see Jesus. When they arrived at the house
where Jesus was teaching, the house was packed. So the friends carried
the stretcher to the roof, cut a hole in the roof, and lowered their friend
down through the hole right in front of Jesus.
When I visualise this story, I like to picture myself as the strong healthy
helper on one of the four corners of that stretcher, carrying someone else
in need. It makes me feel very sweaty and gaggy to think about being the
one who is carried, the one who is helpless, the one who is vulnerable.
But this is friendship. Carrying - and allowing ourselves to be carried too.
Ugh – I hate it. And I love it too.
Because, like my friend who got shoved into the middle, I long for true
connection. Not just contact, but real, enduring connection. We all do,
whether we are comfortable admitting it or not. And so we must allow our
humanity to show, our need to surface, our porous exterior to emerge. We
must accept that sometimes we are invalids too.
When we all show up to the party slick, we slide right off each other. But
when we get the privilege of seeing each other’s bumps and grooves and
maladies, we find something we can connect to.
We must let ourselves be put in the middle. The middle of the table. The
middle of the stretcher. The middle of the mess. Because connection offers
gifts that control never could.
Becoming Starry Eyed
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CONSTELLATIONS: ADDITIONAL ILLUMINATION ON THIS TOPIC
 Watch the “Becoming ... Friends” video in your MOPS group
 Read the “Together We’ve got This” chapter in Starry-Eyed by
Mandy Arioto
VESPERS: A PRACTICE TO BECOME STARRY EYED
Circles are significant. They are a symbol that represent wholeness, unity
and connection. We are surrounded by reminders of this significance.
Look someone in the eye and you are peering into circular pupils. Gaze at
the night sky and circular stars and a rotund moon are waiting to be
noticed. A glowing orb of a sun lights our days and nourishes green
growing things that help to sustain our lives. Join hands in a circle and
something holy happens, a circuit is formed creating connections that
simply standing near one another doesn’t. Circles can be symbols that
remind us that we are all connected to each other. Which is why, when we
unite as mums and friends, our powers are limitless. Together we are
better, a network of women who are in it together, interlocking and
interwoven, the fastest network and the strongest safety net.
Is it time to widen your circle? To invite some new friends into the middle
to find warmth and rest? Do you have a sisterhood of friends with whom
you have formed a circle of friendship?
In the outside circle write the names of some friends who are a part of
your circle. In the inside circle, write the names of people you would like to
invite into your circle. Can’t think of anyone? Write a prayer asking for
friends to come along who you can join hands with.
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Becoming Starry Eyed
CIRCLE OF FRIENDSHIP
Friends who are
part of your circle.
People you want to
invite into your circle.
Becoming Starry Eyed
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• CHAPTER 5 •
DEAR FIFTEEN:
LESSONS FROM THE FUTURE
WISE WORDS
Rain, pour down and wash away any trace of stagnancy and hesitancy
and the desire to numb the day away. And nourish this earth and our
hearts to be soft enough to feel the pain and joy hovering all around. And
clean off old wounds and allow us to grow anew, together. – Joy Prouty
STORY AND SOUL: SOMETHING TO WONDER ABOUT
EXCERPT* FROM “STARRY-EYED: SEEING GRACE IN THE
UNFOLDING CONSTELLATION OF LIFE AND MOTHERHOOD”
BY MANDY ARIOTO
Kristen and I were neighbours for three years and friends for 20 years
before that. We met in junior high when we both had braces and
feathered fringes. She is thoughtful and artistic and a great cook. I am not
a good cook. We dated the same boy. She stole him from me in 10th
grade. I forgive her.
Not long ago my family went to visit her and her husband Si in San
Diego where Kristen and I grew up and she invited us over for dinner. I sat
at the butcher block counter in the centre of their kitchen, gaggles of kids
running in and out, husbands coaching each other on business ventures;
and I couldn’t help but remember how at 15, Kristen and I spent long
nights wondering what our lives were going to look like.
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I wish I could send a postcard to our 15-year-old selves with a handwritten
love note like this:
Dear Kristen and Mandy... I know right now it’s all about gap overalls and
the latest episode of “Saved by the Bell”, but sometime in the not-so-faroff future you’ll be having dinner and talking about nursing babies, how
you get to do work you love, college funds, how sleeping is the new
drinking, and all the funny things your kids say. I know it sounds crazy, but
you will have seven babies between you and pick each other’s kids up
from school. You will get your hearts broken. It will suck. But the men each
of you choose to spend life with will be more than worth it. So keep
singing show tunes and eating ice cream for breakfast because your lives
turn out pretty great. Also, Kristen, you’ll get boobs eventually so stop
worrying about it. Mandy ... Not so much. But stop worrying about it
anyway.
Sitting at Kristen’s counter that night made me take notice of all the
beautiful things we had swirling around us in that kitchen twenty years
after we worried we never would. I wish I could have reassured our
teenage selves that all these good things were heading our way. But the
truth is, I would have also had to share that there would be a lot of hard
and sad things in between then and now.
Between the years of 15 and 36, Kristen’s parents divorced. My dad died.
She endured a relationship that was abusive. I struggled with debilitating
depression. But what I believe both of us would say is that it is all good.
That the sorrow and pain are as much a part of the process as the lovemaking and celebrations.
The fact that we are human means uncomfortable feelings will be a part
of our experience here. Between Kristen and me, we have birthed seven
babies into the world. Each time our babies were pushing their way
toward their first breath, the nurses would remind us to work with the pain.
This was the first time I really experienced how productive pain can be.
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When labouring, the best way to navigate the pain is to sit with it. To
move with it and let it do its job. Instead of fighting against it, the most
productive posture is surrender. You can’t get to the other side without it.
And the other side? Is breathtakingly beautiful ...
*Used with permission. Zondervan.
CONSTELLATIONS: ADDITIONAL ILLUMINATION ON THIS TOPIC
 Watch the “Becoming ... Comfortable With grief” video in your
MOPS group
 Read the “Dear Fifteen” chapter in Starry-Eyed by Mandy Arioto
VESPERS: A PRACTICE TO BECOME STARRY EYED
Write a letter of encouragement to your 15-year-old self. Imagine sitting
across from 15-year-old you – what is she wearing? What is she worried
about? What does she need to know about her future? Write out all the
encouragement, advice and perspective you can offer in order to give her
hope for the future.
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DEAR 15 YEAR OLD ME
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• CHAPTER 6 •
RELATIONSHIPS:
CREATING A LEGACY OF LOVE
WISE WORDS
It is important to fall in love again. Somewhere each day we must fall in
love ... Somehow we must break free from the noise and allow for the
softening of the heart. Otherwise our hearts will move inevitably toward
cynicism, bitterness, fear and despair. If we don’t pause, the hardships of
the world will slowly de-sensitize us from the simple joys that life has to
offer. Stop and take a breath. Enjoy the moment without needing the
moment to be perfect. Life is what happens between the cracks of
perfection. It is a discipline to consciously simplify and re-discover those
moments of falling in love again. And again. – Erik Wahl
STORY AND SOUL: SOMETHING TO WONDER ABOUT
LOVING THE ONES WE’RE WITH
BY LEEANA TANKERSLEY
Eight days after Steve and I were married, we moved overseas for his job.
We spent the first year of our marriage on what felt like the other side of
the moon, and it was bliss. We did crossword puzzles on the couch. We
cooed at each other in lovey voices. We deferred to each other with ease.
Fast forward 13 years, three kids, a mortgage and our first pair of reading
glasses. The responsibilities and realities of life can feel large and looming
these days. They can weasel in between us too. And ways of relating that
were once filled with ease can now require effort.
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I read something a long time ago that I’ve never forgotten. It’s about
making agreements. And it goes like this: Sometimes the toxic voices in our
heads are trying to convince us of a lie. They slither in and plant a thought
and we do not realise we have the power to question that thought, to
consider or reconsider that thought. We just buy it, as if it’s the truest true.
We make an agreement with that toxic thought. Even subconsciously.
And then the toxic voices, now having our ear, slip in another unhelpful
thought. And we agree. And another destructive idea. And we agree. And
the next thing you know, we’ve developed a set of “facts” about someone
else and our relationship that may or may not actually be true.
These agreements can be one of the most debilitating things in our
intimate relationships. They turn us away from those we love through
small agreements that become big agitation. We even sometimes
unknowingly feed the forces that are working against us.
I think the toxic forces of this world really make it their mission to thwart
love. If they can wriggle in between people who are committed to each
other, then they can begin to sow seeds of sadness and failure and
bitterness. If nothing else, they can distract us from the good.
They are wily, though, aren’t they? Putting their finger on the places
where we are sore and testy and looking for a fight. The deal is, we feel
like they’re protecting us, when in reality, those toxic forces are out to
destroy us.
We can’t really control the assault of toxic forces. But we can begin to
recognise them when they arise and decide whether to accept their
perspective. This is some of the most important work we do in our
relationships: slow down, take hold of what’s going on inside our minds,
and then make an intentional decision about whether or not we’re going
to buy what we’re being sold.
And hopefully, we spend just a bit more time scouting the good.
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27
Steve gets up every morning before I do and he starts the coffee. Every
morning. And when I wake up, he’s usually gone to work, and I walk the
straight line from our bedroom to the kitchen – barely awake – to have my
first cup of coffee. Sometimes he leaves out my pink “amore” mug with the
heart handle. Sometimes he leaves out an “L” mug that I love.
Recently, I took my first morning sip and as the liquid gold dripped into
my body, I realised I had already been thought of that morning. While I
was sleeping, I had been thought of. Through a simple but meaningful
gesture. And despite the impasses and the frustrations and the
disappointments and the letdowns we put each other through, I let the
reassuring warmth of being thought of seep into my skin.
“That’s something,” a voice said inside me. And I agreed.
CONSTELLATIONS: ADDITIONAL ILLUMINATION ON THIS TOPIC
 Watch the “Becoming ... A Man Whisperer” video in your MOPS
group
 Read the “He had Me at Ugh” chapter in Starry-Eyed by Mandy
Arioto
VESPERS: A PRACTICE TO BECOME STARRY EYED
Here are the options ...
1.
Think about some of your recurring toxic thoughts that are destructive
in your relationship. Plan to name them as a LIE next time you hear
them. Also plan to replace toxic thoughts with encouraging, positive
ones, such as - I am so thankful that my husband…., or I love it when
my husband…, to develop a habit of noticing and giving thanks for
blessings received rather than nurturing toxic thoughts.
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2. For single women.... In your journal or phone notes, write down 3
things you learned today that you would use in a possible future
relationship.
3. Write 5 things you appreciate about your partner and send them to
him (can be a written note or via text).
4. Suggest a date night with planned topics of conversation relating to
your hopes and dreams: Where would you like us to be in 5 years?
What do you love about us? Are we communicating well? Are there
any areas that we are not communicating well in?
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• CHAPTER 7 •
BIRTHING A NEW
CONCEPT OF GOD
WISE WORDS
All shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well. – Julian of Norwich
STORY AND SOUL: SOMETHING TO WONDER ABOUT
MARY AND WOMBS AND SEARCHING FOR GOD
BY MANDY ARIOTO
While I am not Catholic, I am connected to Mary. In some deep guttural
way, her presence in the story of love and redemption makes it raw and
intimate and maternal. Part of it is that she is a she. She had a body that
operates on a lunar cycle. But part of it is that she wrapped her arms
around God. Her literal arms held the divine one. God suckled at her
breast and her womb grew flesh and bone while hosting the same spirit
that separated light from darkness.
Julian of Norwich, was an English mystic who, according to monastic
traditions, said that we are born from the very womb of God. I love this
imagery, mostly because I have a womb and am always looking for new
ways to understand the creator of my soul.
Are you anything like me and often feel tired by the small boxes we place
God in? The ways we get stuck thinking and talking about God with
familiar words and imagery that are so worn out they no longer hold any
magic, any power to connect us to the one we are longing and searching
for? Or occasionally do you start to feel guilty when your explorations to
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understand God lead to questions and answers that make other people
uncomfortable? In those instances, I think we rely on the people who have
gone before us, people like Julian of Norwich who made the establishment
uncomfortable with her suggestion that God had feminine characteristics.
Here is what I am learning: I believe we need to be brave in our journey to
explore the God of the universe. Well-meaning people will tell us there is a
neatly-worn path and if we take the small, safe routes we will eventually
obtain the answers, but that hasn’t been true in my life. My experience has
been more like a tireless search for clues in out-of-the-way places.
So search long and wide. Read, talk to people who make you
uncomfortable. Pray, be fearless in following the God who, when he
walked on earth, made the deeply religious people uncomfortable and
surprised everyone he met with unexpected answers.
If you are searching for something, if you question whether this whole God
thing is for you, or are so desperate to encounter God that you need it like
you need your next breath, then have no fear. Journey unhindered. Ask for
great and unsearchable things you haven’t yet known and rest assured, all
shall be well, all manner of things shall be well.
CONSTELLATIONS: ADDITIONAL ILLUMINATION ON THIS TOPIC
 Read the “In the Belly of the Holy One” chapter in Starry-Eyed by
Mandy Arioto
VESPERS: A PRACTICE TO BECOME STARRY EYED
Imagine reciting 100 blessings each day — that’s what the Jewish Talmud
teaches. According to Jewish tradition, we are to say blessings over
experiences ranging from waking and eating to wearing new clothes or
starting a journey. There is even a prayer for smelling a freshly cut lawn.
Why? Because blessings remind us that our lives are full of moments
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31
waiting to be lived fully. The purpose of these ancient practices is not to
make us more religious; it is to make us more alive. Alive to God. Alive to
our spouse, kids, parents, neighbours, strangers, co-workers and even our
enemies. Alive to the cricket singing outside our door, alive to the spin of
our planet, to tucking our kids into bed with a story and a kiss. Alive to
open books and folded sheets, a sleeping dog, laughing kids, migrating
geese, frying eggs – everything. We’ll begin to see the normal things of
our daily lives differently. Washing a plate, paying bills, sorting laundry,
mowing a lawn ... It all becomes holy because God is there. Blessing in this
sense is simply noticing and giving gratitude, both of which turn everyday
occurrences into an encounter with a good God. As an act of blessing, fill
the page with things you are grateful for.
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THINGS I AM GRATEFUL FOR TODAY
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• CHAPTER 8 •
CONFIDENCE OVER
CONFORMITY:
REMEMBERING WHAT WE LOVE
WISE WORDS
People’s reaction to me is sometimes ‘Uch, I just don’t like her. I hate how
she thinks she is so great.’ But it’s not that I think I’m so great. I just don’t
hate myself. I do idiotic things all the time and I say crazy stuff I regret,
but I don’t let everything traumatise me. And the scary thing I have
noticed is that some people really feel uncomfortable around women who
don’t hate themselves. So that’s why you need to be a little bit brave. –
Mindy Kaling, “Why Not Me?”
STORY AND SOUL: SOMETHING TO WONDER ABOUT
A WASTE OF TIME
BY BONNIE GRAY
Technically, it was my 4-year-old son Caleb’s playdate. I just met Aiden’s
mum, Becky, when I was writing my book “Finding Spiritual Whitespace.”
As we sat on the couch, snacking on crackers and keeping an eye on the
boys, Becky asked me how the writing was going.
“It’s hard to write on a blank page,” I confess.
“It’s like being an artist,” my friend adds.
“How about you?” I ask. “What do you like to do that’s artistic?”
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She pauses. “If I ever had the time — which I don’t — I’d paint.”
My friend doesn’t know I’ve been experiencing anxiety trying to put stories
on paper. But writing was good for my soul, because there is a shadow
artist in me. I let writing go since college. But since becoming a mum, all
the stress of taking care of everybody else 24/7 made me hunger for
something that was just for me.
I was suspicious there might be a shadow artist in her too. “Oh, you like to
paint,” I echo. “Can I see?”
Becky tells me she used to paint in college, but she hasn’t painted since.
“Really? Not even once?” I prod.
She leads me into her bedroom, where a canvas of colourful brushstrokes
hangs on the wall. Becky tells me she loves how it feels when she paints.
But then she sighs. “Life’s so busy, keeping up with everyone’s schedules.”
“Do you ever feel selfish — like it’d be a waste of time if you painted?” I
ask. Becky was quiet.
“I do,” I confess. Then I told her about the spelling bee. I was in second
grade at the district level spell-off one evening. I was one of the last two
girls left standing. I was so excited, because the top three contestants got
trophies. I’m gonna get a trophy!
As the moderator announced my next word, I thought I had it in the bag.
“Lunch. L-U-C-H. Lunch.” “I’m sorry. That is incorrect.”
Somehow I misspelled! The whole room simultaneously sighed. I looked at
my mum. She shook her head in disappointment.
Afterward, I walked over to tell mum I still won a trophy. When I stepped
on stage to claim my second-place trophy, it didn’t seem shiny anymore.
On the car ride back, my mum sighed, “What a waste of time.”
I never did enter another spelling bee after that year.
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35
I explained to my new friend that I have to fight the voices that tell me I’m
wasting time when I want to do something creative. I have no problem
doing things to take care of everybody else. If my kids want to explore a
new interest, I’m first to cheerlead. But that encouraging attitude goes out
the door when it applies to me. But the truth is, it’s not a waste of time.
It doesn’t only happen when I write. Whenever I want to do something
purely for enjoyment, with no other added purpose, I think of a gazillion
more important things I should do.
I asked Becky: “What was life like for you growing up as a little girl? Were
you encouraged to explore and enjoy doing what you liked? Or was there
a focus on getting things done, not wasting time?”
I wasn’t planning to stay long at the playdate. But plans changed,
listening to the heart of a new friend and her stories.
“Maybe we can drive out to the museum one morning, when the kids are
in school?” She offered with a smile.
“Yeah,” I told her, “I’d love to go.”
CONSTELLATIONS: ADDITIONAL ILLUMINATION ON THIS TOPIC
 Watch the “Becoming ... Creative” video in your MOPS group
 Read the “Confidence Over Conformity” chapter in Starry-Eyed by
Mandy Arioto
VESPERS: A PRACTICE TO BECOME STARRY EYED
Practise remembering. Use these two journal prompts to come home to
yourself and to ransack your memories for clues that will lead you toward
gifts you had forgotten you possessed.
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WRITE YOUR EARLIEST MEMORY. Give as many details as
you can. What does it smell like? Who was there? How did you
feel? What were you wearing? What does the room look like?
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MAKE A LIST. What were you good at as a kid? What
activities did you enjoy the most? Ask your parents, siblings or
childhood friends what you liked doing and also what you were good at
as a kid. Add their responses to your list.
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• CHAPTER 9 •
BREATHING-IN THE LIGHT:
DRAWING INSPIRATION FROM THE
PEOPLE AROUND US
WISE WORDS:
He was like a campfire, the point where we gathered and felt warm. He
had such a big presence ... When he was with you he was really with you.
– Tina Sinatra, about her dad Frank Sinatra
STORY AND SOUL: SOMETHING TO WONDER ABOUT
A fascinating blog post by Mommypotumus points out that mums and
their kids are connected not only in biological ways, but their mutual wellbeing is impacted by having each other around. Here is an excerpt from
this fascinating post. 1
THREE SURPRISING (AND TRUE) FACTS ABOUT MOTHERHOOD
1.
Our kids embed themselves in our bodies. Forever.
“In pregnancy, women are shape-shifters, their bellies waxing like the
moon. After delivery, they hold another kind of magic: microchimerism, a
condition in which women harbour cells that originated in their children
even decades after birth.”2
Laura Weldon, in an article entitled “Mother & Child Are Linked at the
Cellular Level,” writes, “These cells, full of our children’s DNA, collect in our
hearts, our brains ... everywhere we can think of. They become part of us,
often staying with us for decades upon decades. This is true even if the
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baby we carried didn’t live to be born.” The full impact of microchimerism
is not known, but according to Weldon there’s evidence that fetal cells
may: “ ... provide some protection against certain cancers. For example,
they’re much more prevalent in the breast tissue of healthy women than in
those with breast cancer. Fetal cells are less common in women who
developed Alzheimer’s disease, suggesting they provide late-life
protection. Fetal cells can contribute stem cells, generate new neurons in
the mother’s brain and even help to heal her heart.
“When the heart is injured, fetal cells seem to flock to the site of injury and
turn into several different types of specialized heart cells. Some of these
cells may even start beating, a mouse study found. So technically, those
icky-sweet Mother’s Day cards may be right: A mother really does hold
her children in her heart.”3
2. Our hearts recognise each other.
In a book entitled, “Our Babies, Ourselves,” Meredith Small explains,
“Babies and their mothers share a deeply physiological connection. In one
study of infant reaction to mothers, fathers and strangers, an infant girl
was brought into a lab and set in a plastic seat that was curtained off
from distractions. The baby was then approached by her mother, then her
father, and then a stranger. Chest monitors on the baby and the adults
showed that the baby synchronised her heart rate to that of the mother or
father when they approached, but she did not synchronise her heart rate
to the stranger’s. The data suggests that babies and their caretakers are
entwined in a homeostatic relationship, with the baby clicking in with the
parents to achieve some sort of balance.”4
3. Our voice matters too.
What happens when a group of 7 to 12 year-old girls are asked to deliver
an impromptu speech and then publicly quizzed with a series of math
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39
problems? Stress, and lots of it. In a study where researchers created this
exact scenario, they took one more step and tried to find out what would
most help the girls return to a relaxed state. “The girls were divided into
three groups, one comforted by physical contact with their mothers,
another by phone calls from their mothers and a third by watching a film
deemed emotionally neutral, ‘The March of the Penguins’. Oxytocin rose
to similar levels in the first two groups and did not increase in the third,
saliva and urine tests revealed. As this hormone’s presence grew, cortisol
faded.”
Leslie Seltzer, from the university of Wisconsin-Madison, who led the
research, said: “The children who got to interact with their mothers had
virtually the same hormonal response, whether they interacted in person or
over the phone. It was understood that oxytocin release in the context of
social bonding usually required physical contact. But it’s clear from these
results that a mother’s voice can have the same effect as a hug, even if
they’re not standing there.”5
Interestingly, the soothing effect lingered long after the conversation
ended. Who knew?
Footnotes:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
40
Check out the original post here. Http://www.mommypotamus.com/surprising-but-truemotherhood-facts/
http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/10/your-babys-leftover-dna-is-making-youstronger/381140/
https://www.sciencenews.org/blog/growth-curve/children%e2%80%99s-cells-live-mothers
Meredith Small, “Our Babies, Ourselves,” Doubleday Press, 1998, p. 38
https://www.theguardian.com/science/2010/may/12/mother-phone-call-study-us-oxytocin
Becoming Starry Eyed
CONSTELLATIONS: ADDITIONAL ILLUMINATION ON THIS TOPIC
 Read the ”Breathing in the Light” chapter in Starry-Eyed by Mandy
Arioto
VESPERS: A PRACTICE TO BECOME STARRY EYED
Our presence matters to the people around us. It has a direct impact on
their wellbeing and our own. Take a few moments to recognise your
power in just being present, by becoming aware of your breathing. Try this
simple 4-7-8 breathing exercise to calm your mind and body. Inhale for
four counts, hold for seven counts, exhale for eight counts. Do this a few
times to help remind you to feel at home in your body and to flood your
cells with life-giving oxygen.
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• CHAPTER 10 •
CULTIVATING DELIGHT
WISE WORDS
The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach
out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience. – Eleanor
Roosevelt
STORY AND SOUL: SOMETHING TO WONDER ABOUT
LOST IN A MOMENT
BY MANDY ARIOTO
Life is most lovely when we forget to pretend.
All of us spend our days computing. Minds working behind the scene
analysing nuances, organising data; a low-grade, sub-conscious
awareness that keeps us continually adapting and reacting in calculated
ways. But every once in a while, moments happen where we forget to
compute and we just react; no calculations about how we should respond,
just pure and unfiltered us. I am certain these are the moments when
memories are made.
Without a doubt, my favourite memories with friends have been watching
them get lost in the moment; cackling out of control around a bonfire,
crying in response to kindness, cheering out of their seats, sleeping
innocently on an airplane and resting their head on my shoulder.
It is in these moments of losing control, of interacting without worrying
about what would be appropriate, that I am compelled to love them even
more.
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Have you had any moments like this lately? Moments of observing deep
delight or responding unselfconsciously to being moved by something? It
seems to me that we need more moments like this. Perhaps it requires less
computing and more uninhibited living.
May you give yourself the freedom to experience moments this week
without feeling the need to compute the right way to respond. And may
delight catch you off-guard, sweeping you away with wonder and love.
CONSTELLATIONS: ADDITIONAL ILLUMINATION ON THIS TOPIC
 Read the “Magic in Brooklyn” chapter in Starry-Eyed by Mandy
Arioto
VESPERS: A PRACTICE TO BECOME STARRY EYED
Buy some flowers for yourself, just because. Arrange them in a vase and
place them somewhere that you can delight in their colourful presence.
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• CHAPTER 11 •
SABBATH LIKE A SUNRISE:
RESTORING OUR WEARY PLACES
WISE WORDS
Everything we do is infused with the energy with which we do it. If we’re
stressed and frantic our life will carry that same vibration. And if we’re
grounded and peaceful, so will our life be. – Marianne Williamson
STORY AND SOUL: SOMETHING TO WONDER ABOUT
BEING HUMAN
BY LEEANA TANKERSLEY
In general, I find it highly inconvenient, bothersome even, to be a human
being with limits. I have spent entire seasons of my life trying to outwit or
override my humanity. Pushing my body. Pushing my schedule. Feeling
frustrated when I can’t make life happen with ease and Instagram-worthy
elegance.
But I’ve learned – the hard way – that every time I try to be more than
human, I end up feeling less than human.
That’s because, as far as I can tell, one of our main roles on this earth is to
learn to inhabit our humanity fully. This means we make peace with our
needs, which helps us accept our need for each other and for God. Sounds
nice, but it’s not easy.
I think it all starts with nurturing the kind of relationship with ourselves that
creates space for being human. Turning toward ourselves as we would a
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friend instead of an enemy, a companion instead of a critic. Becoming
more tolerant, understanding, even compassionate of ourselves –
especially in this very demanding stage of life.
One of the most practical ways I’ve found to practice accepting my
humanity is by taking care of my body. This means going pee when I
have to pee (instead of frantically hopping around my kitchen trying to
get one more thing done before I have to sprint to the bathroom to avoid
an accident), taking a shower here and there, getting myself outside into
the light of day, learning to feed myself, and of course, that linchpin of all
human frailty: sleep.
“There’s a reason why they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture,” my
friend Kate always says. It’s true. Lack of sleep can turn even the sweetest
and most long-suffering of us into Monster Mummy. For me, lack of sleep
is a one-way ticket to Crazy Town. Sleep is the foundation for emotional
health, physical health and the possibility of being a generally pleasant
person.
Some of us are up with nursing newborns. Some of us are logging
midnight hours with teething toddlers. Some of us have nocturnal children
for no apparent reason whatsoever.
In other words, we aren’t in total control of how much sleep we’re getting
each night. Even though we want more sleep, we can’t always get it.
Some of us aren’t just tired, we’re weary. The cumulative effect of
motherhood has worn us down and worn us out. We’ve lost a bit of our
joy. Our shoulders are slightly hunched. We’re in desperate need of some
lip gloss and dry shampoo.
When my kids were 4, 4 and 1, we returned from a two-year tour overseas
in the Middle East with my husband’s job in the navy. I was so incredibly
exhausted for about ... let’s say two years. I remember waking up one
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45
morning, walking past my kids in the hall and having to think to remember
their names. This isn’t good.
When our children are sick, we respond to them and nurture them. We
don’t punish them for being reduced or requiring care. Could we also turn
toward ourselves with that same posture, as a mother would her child?
We tuck them in with their favourite blankie and we rub their head, give
them kisses, and sing a song. We bring them water and turn on their
nightlight. Could we do the same for ourselves? When we need rest, could
we stop, find a little nook in our home, put on our softest slippers, make
some tea and quietly breathe? Just for a few minutes. Could we respond
to our own needs in a way that is honouring and not bullying?
I love the lines from Dr Suess’s “Oh the Places You’ll Go”:
I’m afraid that sometimes you’ll play lonely games too,
Games you can’t win ’cause you’ll play against you.
Some of us are playing games we’ll never win because we’re in the ring
with ourselves, not allowing ourselves to be human. The first step is simple
and also very difficult: Ask your body what it needs today and then give
yourself permission to respond to that need.
This may mean disappointing someone, downshifting your schedule,
asking for help, letting something go that you don’t want to. Oh well. Let’s
do it anyway. Because we are learning what it means to be on our own
team.
CONSTELLATIONS: ADDITIONAL ILLUMINATION ON THIS TOPIC
 Watch the “Becoming ... Good Sleepers” video in your MOPS group
 Read the “Sabbath Like a Sunrise” chapter in Starry-Eyed by Mandy
Arioto
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VESPERS: A PRACTICE TO BECOME STARRY EYED
Two Questions:
1.
What is one of your body’s needs that you tend to ignore or try to
override?
2. What is one small step you can take to make peace with your
humanity more fully?
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• CHAPTER 12 •
THE DARK NIGHT OF WINTER
WISE WORDS
The world rests in the night. Trees, mountains, fields, and faces are
released from the prison of shape and the burden of exposure. Each thing
creeps back into its own nature within the shelter of the dark. Darkness is
the ancient womb. Nighttime is womb-time. Our souls come out to play.
The darkness absolves everything; the struggle for identity and impression
falls away. We rest in the night. – John O’Donohue
STORY AND SOUL: SOMETHING TO WONDER ABOUT
Joyce Rupp is an author, teacher and well-known writer. In her book,
Praying Our Goodbyes, Rupp writes a beautiful piece about finding life
when everything feels dark and cold. She writes:
“One winter morning I awoke to see magnificent lines of frost stretching
across my window panes. They seemed to rise with the sunshine and the
bitter cold outside. They looked like little miracles that had been formed in
the dark of night. I watched them in sheer amazement and marvelled that
such beautiful forms could be born during such a winter-cold night. Yet, as
I pondered them I thought of how life is so like that. We live our long,
worn days in the shadows, in what often feels like barren, cold winter, so
unaware of the miracles that are being created in our spirits. It takes the
sudden daylight, some unexpected surprise of life, to cause our gaze to
look upon a simple, stunning growth that has happened quietly inside us.
Like frost designs on a winter window, they bring us beyond life’s
fragmentation and remind us that we are not nearly as lost as we thought
we were, that all the time we thought we were dead inside, beautiful
things were being born in us.”1
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CONSTELLATIONS: ADDITIONAL ILLUMINATION ON THIS TOPIC
 Watch the “Becoming ... Universe Minded” video in your MOPS
group
 Read the “The Womb Time That Winter Brings” chapter in StarryEyed by Mandy Arioto
VESPERS: A PRACTICE TO BECOME STARRY EYED
Take a few minutes to think about what is being born in you. What is
coming to life in your soul? A new idea? A new talent? Is there something
that you have been dreaming about trying and now is the time to breathe
some life into it?
Footnote:
1.
Joyce Rupp, “Praying Our Goodbyes,” Ave Maria Press, May 2009.
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• CHAPTER 13 •
A CONSTELLATION OF
REASONS:
EXTRACTING TRUTH FROM THE
NATURAL WORLD
WISE WORDS
THE PEACE OF WILD THINGS
BY WENDELL BERRY
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down in where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
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STORY AND SOUL: SOMETHING TO WONDER ABOUT
ONE HOLY THING
BY LEEANA TANKERSLEY
When my twins were 2, we lived near a sprawling park set right in the
middle of an urban neighbourhood. We spent as much time at that park
as we did in our own living room. Some of you know exactly what I’m
talking about. I’d load Luke and Lane up in the double stroller, walk to
the tiny très chic coffee shop and try to fit that gigantic bus of a stroller,
then wend my way back out the door juggling a hot drink and snacks.
We’d walk on, toward the park.
“Careful, birdie,” a concerned Luke would say to all the birds lined up on
roof tops and high wires overhead, not sure they knew how high up they
actually were.
Once I got us all out the door, I loved being outside. I didn’t always feel
like I had the energy to pack everyone up, but somehow being outside
infused me with energy I wasn’t expecting. Nature has a way of doing this
for us, I’ve found.
We’d get to the park and see all the familiar faces. Other parents. The
‘manny’ with the toddler he cared for. Dog walkers. Cross-fitters. A
contingency of homeless people. And then, I would spot the group I was
always looking for. The beautiful souls doing tai chi under the eucalyptus.
Creeping, climbing, lowering, hovering, all of their perfectly smooth
movements in slow motion. My eye would inevitably go to the elderly in
the group, the few who – you could tell – had been doing this all their lives.
This was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. To observe
grace, focus, movement, discipline and reverence is to observe beauty in
its truest form.
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51
Like never before, we are being pulled apart as human beings. The world
around us is a call to disintegration, to be so completely distracted at any
given moment that we cannot tolerate sitting still, being focused, being
present.
I believe one of our greatest challenges as people and as parents is to
unlearn this distracted, fragmented form of living; to relearn centredness,
focus, presence.
And I believe that when we see it in front of us – when we see people who
have somehow found a way to live that is integrated and centred and
present – our jaws drop open a tiny bit and our souls long for what they
have.
We were made to walk in the garden, to breathe in the beauty, to enjoy.
But in our distracted state, we have lost a taste for the strolling, the
stopping, the scenery.
I know I have.
One of the ways I’m combatting my own distracted state is to notice the
world in a child-like way: Simple. Small. Singular. A bird. A beetle. A
breeze.
One holy thing. This is what I tell myself. Leeana, today – notice one holy
thing. And fixate on it. Let it sink in. Let it be the thing that defines today.
One holy thing. Life at this stage can feel like one long run-on sentence.
I’ve found that the holy things provide punctuation. Places to pause.
Luke and Lane will turn 7 in a few days. In some ways the time has gone
fast, I guess. But in other ways, I feel as though we have lived a lifetime
together already.
Just yesterday, Luke sat next to me, his arm draped around my shoulder
like a garment. Lane was absolutely nuzzled into my side as if there were
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no air between us. Elle, their little sister, was strewn across my lap and
chest. And I noticed it. I noticed the holy moment. All of us, puzzled
together on the couch as if we couldn’t stand for there to be even an inch
between us.
And just to prove my point, in that moment, I had no idea where my
phone was.
CONSTELLATIONS: ADDITIONAL ILLUMINATION ON THIS TOPIC
 Read the “A Constellation of Reasons” chapter in Starry-Eyed by
Mandy Arioto
VESPERS: A PRACTICE TO BECOME STARRY EYED
Notice one holy thing. Practise being aware of the slivers of awe that
permeate your day. Make note of them here. Consider including your
children and make a list together of one holy thing for each day this week.
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ONE HOLY THING EACH DAY THIS WEEK
SUNDAY _________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________
MONDAY ________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________
TUESDAY ________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________
WEDNESDAY _____________________________________________
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THURSDAY _______________________________________________
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FRIDAY __________________________________________________
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SATURDAY _______________________________________________
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• CHAPTER 14 •
SENSUALITY:
BECOMING COMFORTABLE IN OUR SKIN
WISE WORDS
You are the finest loveliest, tenderest and most beautiful person I have
ever known – and even that is an understatement. – F Scott Fitzgerald,
The Great Gatsby
STORY AND SOUL: SOMETHING TO WONDER ABOUT
One of the best pieces of advice ever given is this:
Decide you are beautiful and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.
Today we are going to leave it at that.
CONSTELLATIONS: ADDITIONAL ILLUMINATION ON THIS TOPIC
 Watch the “Becoming ... Intimate” video in your MOPS group
 Read the “Sensuality” chapter in Starry-Eyed by Mandy Arioto
VESPERS: A PRACTICE TO BECOME STARRY EYED
The most beautiful women we know don’t have perfect hair or bleached
white teeth or slim thighs; in fact it is the opposite. The common attribute
that is attractive about them is they have decided they are beautiful and
since they decided it, everyone believes them. How would your life change
if you were convinced you were beautiful? What would you be able to
stop worrying about? How would it free you up to be present in your life?
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• CHAPTER 15 •
FEMININE POWER:
LEARNING TO SHOW OURSELVES
KINDNESS
WISE WORDS
Even as a small child, I understood that women had secrets, and that
some of these were only to be told to daughters. In this way we were
bound together for eternity. – Alice Hoffman, The Dovekeepers
STORY AND SOUL: SOMETHING TO WONDER ABOUT
THINGS I HAVE LEARNED FROM WISE WOMEN ABOUT BEING
KIND TO MYSELF
BY MANDY ARIOTO
For centuries women have relied on one another to pass down the secrets
of womanhood. When I was eighteen, my mum assembled a group of her
friends to come to our house and bestow on me their best piece of advice
on being a woman. They shared insights they gleaned over a lifetime so I
could carry with me the learnings of the ages. They prayed over me. We
drank tea and ate good food and I felt deeply connected to these sage
women who were offering me the greatest learnings of their lifetimes –
learnings that were hard won with heartbreak and a lot of trial and error.
In the years since that night, I have learned from so many other women I
have been fortunate to cross paths with. My college friends taught me
about the best brand of mascara and how you always leave with the
people you showed up with. Leave no woman behind, especially in a
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weird bar in Tijuana. My mum friends have convinced me that we really
are in this together and that there is definitely another woman out there
who is feeling the exact same way you are.
And so, just like my mum’s friends shared with me, I am going to share my
cheat sheet of wisdom, gleaned from years of listening closely to wise
women. This list is by no means comprehensive, just a few of the truths
that I have picked up over the years.
You are as happy as you decide to be.
Do one thing every day that is just for you.
Tell people you love them the moment you feel it.
If you are given the chance to come to the defence of another
woman, always speak up.
Walk into every room with good posture, confidence and a smile.
Never cut your fringe the day of a big event.
Eat the damn cookie dough!
You can’t do everything at the same time.
Your intuition is almost always right.
Hug for longer than is expected.
Be surprisingly fit. Don’t worry about being skinny, just be concerned
with being able to do everything you want to physically. It sucks to
have to sit out of the fun just because you aren’t fit enough.
Prioritise family.
Wear some lipstick when you need a boost of confidence.
It is a cardinal sin to flirt with another woman’s husband.
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Ask your mum for her recipes. They are comfort foods that will
remind you where you came from.
Walk barefoot more often.
Initiate sex with your husband.
Girlfriends will literally save your life. Put some intention into finding
your people.
What would you add to the list?
CONSTELLATION: ADDITIONAL ILLUMINATION ON THIS TOPIC
 Watch the “Becoming ... Familiar With kindness” video in your MOPS
group
 Read the “Feminine Power” chapter in Starry-Eyed by Mandy Arioto
VESPERS: A PRACTICE TO BECOME STARRY EYED
Warm water is good medicine. It helps us recalibrate, probably because
the ocean, sweat, tears, rain – all are organic baptisms. Water is how we
start over because it’s what we’re made of. And similarly to how life
changes by watching the water break along the shore, or between our
legs when we bring babies into the world, it can also help restore our
bodies. As an act of intentional kindness toward yourself, take a warm
bath sometime today.
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• CHAPTER 16 •
CULTIVATING A
HOSPITABLE HEART
WISE WORDS
Offer an open and hospitable space where strangers can cast off their
strangeness. – Henri Nouwen
STORY AND SOUL
THINGS I HAVE DECIDED NOT TO CARE ABOUT AND WHAT I
WILL CARE ABOUT INSTEAD
BY MANDY ARIOTO
Entertaining is hard for me. I tend to overthink things and then I end up
never inviting anyone over. I am really working on this because hospitality
is important to me so I am putting a lot of energy into aligning my values
with my actions. Here is what I have decided I will care about and won’t
care about in order to help me invite people into our space more often.
Won’t care about





If people judge me
Saying something I will be embarrassed by
Serving an impressive meal
Dog hair everywhere
Feeling in control
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Will care about






If people feel like I enjoy them
Not saying something and never feeling known
Having lots of snacks so neighbourhood kids want to hang at our place
Cosy blankets
Having people who know their way around my kitchen (junk drawers
and all)
Feeling relaxed and choosing fun
Want to join me? Maybe you are one of those entertaining types where
this sort of thing is no big deal to you; to you I say Godspeed and onward
to bigger and better parties. But for the rest of us, let’s work together to
invite others in, to choose to be vulnerable, to care less about the dishes. If
you are ever in Denver USA email me at [email protected] and you can
come over to my house for coffee and cookies. There will be two energetic
dogs, three children and a fair share of dog hair.
CONSTELLATIONS: ADDITIONAL ILLUMINATION ON THIS TOPIC
 Read the “The Light Over the Dinner Table” chapter in Starry-Eyed
by Mandy Arioto
VESPERS: A PRACTICE TO BECOME STARRY EYED
Sometimes our heads are so crowded with details and to-dos that it
makes it impossible to find space to let others in. And when our internal
space is crowded it often feels like our external space is too-full as well.
This makes inviting others over or planning a get-together feel way too
much. In these instances, it helps to light a candle, pour some tea, clear
the clutter from your table and get all the stuff out of your head. Our
practice for today centres on a brain dump. Make a list of everything that
is in your head: to-do’s, hopes, concerns, anything that is taking up space
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in your mind. Once it is on paper give it some room to breathe and decide
to let it take up its space on the paper rather than in your head.
BRAIN DUMP
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___________________________
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___________________________
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___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
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• CHAPTER 17 •
MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE
WISE WORDS
In the end we will all become stories. – Margaret Atwood
STORY AND SOUL: SOMETHING TO WONDER ABOUT
SPRAY PAINT AND CURIOSITY
BY MANDY ARIOTO
Near my house there is a freeway overpass that I drive under a few times
a week. It is the kind of overpass where people who need shelter find a
warm place to sleep for the night. A few months ago I noticed that there
was some new graffiti on the side of the concrete. In big letters someone
had spray painted, “Hailey, I am waiting. Run home. – Dad.”
Every time I see those words I can’t help but wonder what the story is. I
think about the dad desperately searching for his daughter in places she
may be embarrassed to be found.
So desperate, that he is breaking the law to leave messages of forgiveness
and restoration anywhere she might see it.
I wonder about Hailey and the moment she decided to leave. Was it a
hard decision? Did she feel like she had no other option but to run? Does
she miss her own bed or is the life of a runaway better than the one she
left? Perhaps she is desperate to go home but is too embarrassed by the
things she has done to ever face her family again.
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I will never know the entire story, and I am sure that there is more feeling
and nuance than I can conjure up in my imagination when it comes to the
story behind the spray paint. And so all I can do is to say a quick prayer
for Hailey and her dad and think about another story of a dad whose kids
have forgotten what home feels like. A dad who leaves messages of love
and restoration in spite of the fact his kids are running away from him. He
is a dad who offers his whole self and breaks religious laws to hand-deliver
a plea to come home, straight into the places his kids might be
embarrassed to be found. It is a story full of love and bloody sacrifice in
order to restore all that was lost in the running away.
It’s interesting how the stories of our day interact with the stories of the
universe. It is in these moments – when we notice the spray paint – that the
monotony of marked concrete tells us something else is going on;
something that conjures up a gut-level awareness that says: pay attention,
because this matters.
I am convinced there is always more than meets the eye.
CONSTELLATIONS: ADDITIONAL ILLUMINATION ON THIS TOPIC
 Watch the “Becoming Loved” video in your MOPS group
 Read “The Bus Stop” chapter in Starry-Eyed by Mandy Arioto
VESPERS: A PRACTICE TO BECOME STARRY EYED
Do you remember dot-to-dot activities from when you were a kid? The
cool thing was that the image only appeared after you connected all the
points. There was more to it than met the eye, more to the story. It was
drawing lines and making connections that unlocked the meaning of the
picture, forming bridges between nothing and something. Disparate
points, seemingly unrelated, come together to create something
meaningful. The same is true of our lives, millions of seemingly unrelated
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experiences create significant pictures when we take the time to connect
the dots and look for something beautiful to emerge. Take a few minutes
and reflect on your own unique experiences and how they are coming
together while you [grab your glasses! and] complete this dot-to-dot.
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• CHAPTER 18 •
THE POWER OF STORY
WISE WORDS
We all have something important to say. A little light to shine. No one has
lived exactly the same life, but so many of us have kindred hopes and
fears, and sharing our stories is like living a thousand lives at once. If you
don’t share it, it can’t help anyone. – Jedidiah Jenkins
STORY AND SOUL: SOMETHING TO WONDER ABOUT
STORIES
BY LORI LARA
Everyone loves a good comeback story. Whether it’s athletes,
entrepreneurs, ex-cons or drug addicts, something stirs deep inside when
people overcome dire circumstances and impossible odds. These stories of
triumph speak to us because, no matter how strong we appear on the
surface, we all have pain. We all have challenges that seem too big to
overcome. We all need a comeback story.
Unfortunately, many of us believe all that comeback wonderfulness only
happens to others. You know, the special ones. And this is the great lie
that keeps us trapped in our pain.
When I was struggling with depression, I used to believe this lie. I knew
God had the power to heal anyone, I just didn’t believe he’d bother doing
it for me. I was ashamed of my pain, so I hid my angst and did my best to
make a good life. I wanted so much to be a good wife and mum, but
after years of trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps, I had a
breakdown.
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During my emotional unravelling, I was drawn to stories about people
who’d overcome depression. I glued myself to YouTube, bawling my eyes
out as people shared stories of healing. There was something magnetic
about these people. They were comfortable sharing both the light and
darkness of their lives, and I was drawn to that freedom.
One particular story grabbed my heart. His name is Victor Marx. He
travels the world sharing God’s hope with people who just need a way out
of the pain. Victor endured horrific abuse as a child, and that brokenness
festered in his heart, causing all kinds of emotional pain and damage.
Through a dramatic series of events, he surrendered his life to God and
experienced a profound spiritual healing. As miraculous as his story is,
Victor’s message to others is clear: God loves you. And he can heal
anything.
Today, I’m no longer hiding. After years of emotional recovery, I’m
passionate about sharing hope with others. I’m not afraid to share my
struggle with the darkness of depression because I also know the light of
today.
If you need help overcoming a struggle in your life, I pray you find a safe
place to share your pain, so you can experience the freedom you were
created to enjoy. May you embrace both the light and darkness of your
life, inviting God and others to share in your story.
Because you are one of the special ones.
CONSTELLATIONS: ADDITIONAL ILLUMINATION ON THIS TOPIC
 Watch the “Becoming ... Story Sharers” video in your MOPS group
 Read the “Power of Story” chapter in Starry-Eyed by Mandy Arioto
Becoming Starry Eyed
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VESPERS: A PRACTICE TO BECOME STARRY EYED
There is a saying that you can learn a lot about someone by listening to a
song that means something to them. What is a song that means
something to you? Write out the lyrics and then take a few minutes to
think about why this song moves you. Follow up by asking someone what
their favourite song is and then share yours with them.
LYRICS THAT MATTER TO ME
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• CHAPTER 19 •
CELEBRATING A WORTHY
CALLING
WISE WORDS
You will never have this day with your children again. Tomorrow, they’ll be
a little older than they were today. This day is a gift. Breathe and notice.
Smell and touch them. Study their faces and little feet and pay attention.
Relish the charms of the present. Enjoy today, mama. It will be over
before your know it. – Jen Hatmaker
STORY AND SOUL: SOMETHING TO WONDER ABOUT
JUGGLING FEELING BEHIND
BY MANDY ARIOTO
Do you ever feel like you are behind at life? I feel this way a lot, like I can’t
catch up. It is everything from starting college funds for my kids to starting
dinner. In fact, some mornings I start the day already feeling behind, not
only on sleep but on life in general. And no matter what I tried, I couldn’t
muster up the emotional resiliency to remind myself that there is no official
timeline for major life events, or even for dinner for that matter. I mean, if
8 pm comes around and everyone is at least semi-nourished, that should
be considered an accomplishment.
Are you anything like me? Are there mornings where you wake up, feeling
like you don’t have the energy to accomplish everything that needs to
happen over the next 12 hours? Or do you check your phone and feel
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69
terrible because it seems like there are all kinds of brilliant people doing
shiny new things that make you feel small and boring and behind on life?
You are not alone. It’s you and me together here sister, and I think we
could learn something from Kelle Hampton (you can find her @etst on
Instagram). She says:
“Sometimes when all the life and mothering juggling balls have fallen and I’m
standing there holding nothing, looking at the mess of what I wasn’t able to
keep in the air, I pick one ball – usually a weird one that ranks of little
importance compared to the others –and I make that ball my all. The house is
trashed, the kids ate Costco hot dogs for dinner, I have 100 emails I haven’t
returned and work to do but, so help me God, Nella’s class bear journal we’re
returning tomorrow? A work of art. We had so much fun neglecting life to
write stories and take pictures of a little bear named Theodore this weekend –
a project the whole family embraced – and Nella’s asked me to reread his
journal adventures at least 10 times now. Too many balls in the air? Let them
fall. And then pick one – just one – that will make you happy, and juggle
away for a while.”
Isn’t that great advice? The truth is there is too much; the pace of life is
frenetic and sometimes choosing just one thing to focus on will save us
from the tyranny of feeling behind. You’re not late. You’re not behind.
You don’t need to catch up. You just need to be right where you are
today. Right now, right where you are is the most important space to be.
And never forget that cereal for dinner is always a valid option.
CONSTELLATIONS: ADDITIONAL ILLUMINATION ON THIS TOPIC
 Read the “Eyes Have It” chapter in Starry-Eyed by Mandy Arioto
VESPERS: A PRACTICE TO BECOME STARRY EYED
Today is a day to take a break from the juggling. Choose one thing you
enjoy and focus on that. Let all the other balls fall. Simple as that.
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• CHAPTER 20 •
LEARNING TO FEEL
ALL OUR FEELINGS
WISE WORDS
We try so hard to hide everything we’re really feeling from those who
probably need to know our true feelings the most. People try to bottle up
their emotions, as if it’s somehow wrong to have natural reactions to life. –
Colleen Hoover, “Maybe Someday”
STORY AND SOUL: SOMETHING TO WONDER ABOUT
ANGER
BY LEEANA TANKERSLEY
My kids’ school sent home a flyer about a food drive and, thrilled to
participate, I bagged up pantry items we weren’t using or could manage
without: a jar of pickled beets, two boxes of tomato basil soup, a can of
curry sauce, potato chips and some muesli bars.
Confession: I am not great at keeping up on all the projects, paperwork,
participation opportunities and general solicitations in life. So when I got
the flyer for the food drive, actually put donations in a bag, and set that
bag behind the minivan to be loaded into the trunk – I was proud. Really
proud. Like mother-of-the-year proud.
But before I had the chance to actually open the trunk and load the bag
into the van, I heard a yell from the house; one of my kids needing my
services.
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71
I left the bag of pantry items, ran up to the house to attend to the child in
need, herded my precious little cat-children out the door and headed
down to the van to load up.
As I backed out of the driveway, I felt the car lurch strangely. “What in the
world was that?” I throw out to the kids.
“Oh, I think that was a ball, Mummy,” someone offers from the back seat.
I put the car in drive and pull forward, and wouldn’t you know we lurch
again in that same strange herky-jerky way. So I get out of the car to
move the ball that’s apparently rolled under my tire.
But when I do, I happen upon what could best be described as pantry
roadkill. “You have got to be kidding me,” I say to myself.
There, on the driveway, was what looked like the world’s biggest streak of
guts and barf; the tomato soup and the madras sauce and the beets all
running together to form the most nauseating pinky-red gush.
“What is it, mum?” Someone hangs their head out a window.
“Mummy rolled over the bag of food,” I say without looking up from the
driveway. “The donations for the food drive? You ran over them?”
One child accusingly asks. “Why?”
Someone else chimes in. “Why would you run over the donations for those
less fortunate than us, Mummy? Why would you do that?”
At this point, my frustration begins to roll a bit. The waters begin boiling.
If only Steve wasn’t gone on a hunting trip, I wouldn’t have to be taking
care of all of this on my own.
If only the kids hadn’t yelled for my help when I was trying to pack up the
car, I wouldn’t have lost my train of thought and left the bag behind the
car to be decimated.
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If only I wasn’t so scattered all the time, I’d be one of the mums who is
organised and on top of things. One of those mums who doesn’t roll over
food donations with her minivan for crying out loud.
There are times in life when our anger serves us. It gives us a backbone,
nerve and it catapults us toward action. This is what we might call virtuous
anger, or just anger.
Then there’s another kind of anger; the kind that begs to be nursed,
tended, indulged. This kind of anger is dangerous because it longs to hook
into our pre-existing resentments. It wants to convince us we are entitled to
our rage.
After I ran over the food donations, I got mad. Really mad. I blamed my
husband and my kids. I blamed the good-for-nothing back up camera on
my minivan. I blamed the public school system. I blamed myself.
Whenever I get entrenched like this, a super pesky sentence floats into my
head. It’s God reaching toward me, wanting to offer me a way out of the
corner I’ve backed myself into. Sometimes I slap away that hand reaching
toward me. Sometimes I acquiesce.
God whispers into my inner ear a nearly perfect line from the monk Saint
Benedict: “Always we begin again.”
Leeana, what if we tried to begin again.
I’m not new to this phrase. I read it years ago in the midst of an impossibly
intense season and it’s become a mantra for me.
There on the driveway, my best attempts gutted into a mysterious smear, I
let my shoulders drop, I take a deep breath, and I put the car in reverse. I
say to my kids: “Who wants to go to the playground?”
Cheers ring up from behind me as I drive right past the pantry roadkill, on
down the road, to go about the rest of our day.
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73
CONSTELLATIONS: ADDITIONAL ILLUMINATION ON THIS TOPIC
 Watch the “Becoming ... Aware of Anger” video in your MOPS group
 Read the “To Live Like Music” chapter in Starry-Eyed by Mandy
Arioto
VESPERS: A PRACTICE TO BECOME STARRY EYED
Four Letter Word Crossword*. Sometimes changing our feelings is as
simple as changing our four-letter words.
_______________________________________
*Answers on page 104
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FOUR LETTER WORD CROSSWORD
Becoming Starry Eyed
75
FOUR LETTER WORD CROSSWORD
CLUES
Down
Across
1. Dancing flame
3. The rhyming opposite of sad
5. To assist others
6. A story
7. A feeling of sheer delight
8. Thoughtful in demeanor
10. Opposite of least
11. Greater than faith or hope
13. A greeting from Abby or
Anne
15. The true core of our being
17. Light bulb moment
21. Sprinkles, pours and showers
23. Insightful or knowledgeable
24. Do this fully and with gusto
26. Mmm, mmm, …
27. Alt spelling of light
28. Superwoman is one
29. Nighttime source of light
31. We all began as one
32. A pleasant way to end a
prayer
34. Sparkling marvels from
within the earth
35. Skip, hop, run, climb - every
day
36. We’re “at a loss” for this one
37. A meaningful agreement
39. A zeal for life
40. The genuine article
2. Shared by shooting stars and
dandelion seeds
4. Your very act of being
5. To grasp with hands
7. It’s better than to receive
9. Hearts and wool socks
12. Untamed
14. Where the heart is
16. Heroic or impressively great
18. If not truth, then ____
19. A feeling of warmth toward
another
20. Honest, real, steadfast
22. Unencumbered, untethered,
uncaged
23. Healthy
25. La di da di da!
28. The “o” in xoxo
30. The anticipation of good
31. More than good or better
33. Hop, bold, electric
35. Haiku, free verse, couplet
36. Blink one eye
37. To converse with God
38. Twinkle, twinkle
40. A car, a horse and a bicycle
provide this
41. The ocean’s whim
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• CHAPTER 21 •
FAILURE IS NO BIG DEAL
WISE WORDS
“Always we begin again.” – Saint Benedict
STORY AND SOUL: SOMETHING TO WONDER ABOUT
THE SUN WILL RISE AGAIN TOMORROW
BY MANDY ARIOTO
I am convinced that every school teacher ranks right next to Mother
Teresa and Santa Claus in the ways they care for the hearts of the next
generation. This fact is proven to me again and again when my kids come
home from school and show off the tools they are adding to their handy
tool box of life skills, largely thanks to the devoted men and women who
have taught my kids over the years.
My daughter Charlotte came home today with a poster that she made at
school the day before. It was a picture of a huge sun with rays coming off
it. She explained to me that they had a big second grade test coming up
and these were the most important things her teacher wanted them to
remember. On the top it read “Strategies for Test Taking” and then on
each ray streaming out from the centre Charlotte had filled in an
important take away from Ms Breen. This is what the rays said:
I am smart no matter what.
No one will stop loving me and no one will be mad, no matter
how I do on the test.
I am calm. I am peaceful. I am happy. I am safe.
Tests help me to see what I have learned; all I have to do is try
my hardest.
I won’t even remember this test!
Don’t try to be perfect.
Take deep breaths.
I know how to take this test.
And then in the very centre of the sun, Charlotte had coloured in the
words: “The sun is still going to rise tomorrow. No big deal.”
I cried reading that poster. Charlotte, of course, thought I was being
ridiculous, but I couldn’t help but think about how often as an adult I need
to be reminded of these truths. When a big test presents itself or I mess up
or I am required to do something difficult, I desperately need a sun poster
reminding me that I am safe and loved and I simply need to show up and
try my hardest.
Second grade tests have a lot to teach us, which is why I framed the sun
poster and it now hangs proudly in our kitchen. It always seems to catch
my eye at just the right moment, speaking over our home and lives that
we are loved no matter what and that the constancy of a sunrise is a
reminder that there are no big deals.
CONSTELLATIONS: ADDITIONAL ILLUMINATION ON THIS TOPIC
 Watch the “Becoming ... Seen” video in your MOPS group
 Read the “Failing Gloriously” chapter in Starry-Eyed by Mandy Arioto
VESPERS: A PRACTICE TO BECOME STARRY EYED
Sometimes we can’t see how clear our lives can be because all we can
focus on is the muck and mess. Today as an act of rebellion, clean the
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windows. Literally. Grab some paper towel and glass cleaner and wipe
down some grimy windows. As you do, imagine that you are also wiping
through the disappointments from your past and see it with renewed
clarity. Look out the clean window, notice how the sunlight is returning
with more brilliance and there is renewed hope for your future. Create a
new view from which to take-in the one, wild and beautiful life outside
your window.
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• CHAPTER 22 •
EXPOSING THE SHAME THAT
HOLDS US CAPTIVE
WISE WORDS
I prefer dangerous freedom over peaceful slavery. – Thomas Jefferson
STORY AND SOUL: SOMETHING TO WONDER ABOUT
CHICKENS
BY MANDY ARIOTO
My friend Kristen and her husband recently decided to become urban
farmers and the first thing they decided they needed were chickens. They
built a little coop in their yard and planned on letting the chickens sleep in
the coop, but for the rest of the day they would be given free range of the
yard. Well, just last week they brought their first two chickens home.
Before they came home to Kristen’s, these chickens had lived their entire
lives in a cage, and when Kristen brought them home and gave them free
reign of their whole yard, they had no idea what to do. They literally stood
in the doorway of their coop for two days straight.
I get those chickens. I understand what it feels like to only know captivity,
caged up for so long that you forget how good life can be. And it is only
when we get curious enough to explore the ways we are stuck that we
really begin to come alive. That’s why I am a big fan of freedom, of not
being imprisoned, of not living in cramped places because we think that’s
all there is.
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Have you ever considered that there are places in your life where you are
free but you still choose the comfort and familiarity of slavery? I wonder
how many of us are staying inside the tiny coop while the gate to the big
yard is wide open. We’ve been imprisoned for so long, we’ve forgotten
what it feel like to feel alive.
I am convinced that God is interested in our freedom, intimately
concerned with setting us free to live fully. Which is why he has intervened
in the world in a way that provides us with a saviour, a saviour who was so
concerned with freedom that in every interaction he had with someone
who was living a confined life, he shared healing and then commanded
them to go in peace because they were freed from their suffering.
Are you ready to be freed from your suffering so that you can live in
peace and freedom? It seems to me that there are two first steps.
The first is naming the thing that enslaves you. For some reason saying it
out loud suddenly breaks its power. Perhaps the best baby-step toward
the open yard is trusting someone with your secret.
And the other first step is forgiving yourself for being human. This happens
by thinking of the thing that you just named out loud – the secret or
memory or thought that feels like an anchor keeping you in the same
place – and then you remind yourself that you didn’t invent it. There is
nothing new under the sun, you are not the first person to carry that
anchor and you won’t be the last. You are human, and the plight of
humanity is occasionally to pick things up that are too heavy to carry. Our
only responsibility is to recognise when something has become
burdensome and then to get help to set it down.
And so today is the day to choose freedom. To choose to come alive.
Because once you are free, then you can tell other people where to find it
as well. So here’s to the chickens who are brave enough to leave the coop.
Freedom, sunshine and relief are two steps in front of you. Run free.
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CONSTELLATIONS: ADDITIONAL ILLUMINATION ON THIS TOPIC
 Read the “Banishing Our ghosts” chapter in Starry-Eyed by Mandy
Arioto
VESPERS: A PRACTICE TO BECOME STARRY EYED
It is time to feel freedom. Find someone safe and say out loud the things
that are weighing you down or keeping you feeling trapped or stuck.
Then, practise forgiving yourself for picking it up in the first place.
Remember, forgiveness is a process. Baby-steps are perfectly acceptable.
If you feel comfortable, ask someone to pray for you as you embark on
your adventure towards total freedom.
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• CHAPTER 23 •
CONFESSIONALS:
FINDING THE COURAGE TO BE HONEST
WISE WORDS
The things we avoid hold the reins in our lives. And often times the solution
is simply initiating a pivotal conversation. – Aaron Anastasi
STORY AND SOUL: SOMETHING TO WONDER ABOUT
SAYING IT AGAIN AND AGAIN
BY LORI LARA
One day, when our youngest son was 4 years old, I apologised for being
fussy with him. “I forgive you, Mum. But you keep saying that.” I sensed
frustration in his voice.
“I keep saying what, Son?”
“You keep saying you’re sorry.”
I laughed, but then I realised a big disconnect. He thought since I
apologised, my fussy behavior should have stopped with my first apology.
Oh, child. If only it were that easy.
“Son, listen. I’m going to be apologising a lot. I’m still learning and need
lots of forgiveness, just like you do. I’ve never been a mummy before.”
“Really? You’ve never been a mummy before?”
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You should have seen the shock on his face. It never dawned on him I was
new to this mum gig. This information was revolutionary to his young mind
and it immediately softened his heart.
“OK, Mummy. I’ll keep forgiving you. ” He hugged me tight.
Loving family relationships aren’t about perfection; they’re about growing
together in humility, giving and receiving feedback, and making room for
everyone to grow — including us mums.
I learned this lesson the hard way.
Growing up, my mum was great in a lot of ways, but rarely did she
apologise. When she did something hurtful, eventually she’d just start
acting nice to me. I knew this was her way of making up. Unfortunately,
her lack of humility created an open door for resentment to build in my
heart, which I struggled with, until she got cancer. Her terminal diagnosis
brought a new context to my resentment and I felt a sense of urgency
daring me to bridge the distance between us. It’s now or never. Thankfully,
we had an opportunity to make things right between us before she died
and it was powerfully freeing for both of us. I thank God we experienced
that healing but I often wonder how close we could’ve been if I’d
broached that conversation decades earlier. If only I’d humbled myself
first and made enough room for both of us to grow.
Apologising to our children when we’ve done something wrong creates a
loving environment of learning and it leaves them feeling safe to admit
their weaknesses. Instead of learning to protect their fragile egos, they’ll
experience the joy of being seen and valued for who they are –
weaknesses and all. That authenticity will strengthen their ability to show
grace to others, cultivating a special closeness with the people they love
most.
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CONSTELLATIONS: ADDITIONAL ILLUMINATION ON THIS TOPIC
 Read the “Confessionals” chapter in Starry-Eyed by Mandy Arioto
VESPERS: A PRACTICE TO BECOME STARRY EYED
Is there someone you need to apologise to? Today is the day. It might feel
hard to make the call or write the note, and their response to your
apology might not be what you hoped for, but it doesn’t matter. All you
need to do is focus on saying what you need to say, the “I’m sorry” that
feels heavy and uncomfortable.
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• CHAPTER 24 •
TALKING WITH GOD
WISE WORDS
Is he safe? No! But he is good. – C.S Lewis
STORY AND SOUL: SOMETHING TO WONDER ABOUT
PRAYING FOR YOUR KIDS
BY LEEANA TANKERSLEY
I haven’t always had the greatest relationship with prayer. It seemed to
me whether you prayed or not, good things would happen to you and
bad things would happen to you, and so I questioned the point. I
questioned how much it really mattered.
And then I went through a protracted season of need, when I was
reduced and struggling. And I began praying lines from songs and
bumper sticker slogans, and I found it comforting. I found that I could
reach out to God in my moments of murkiness and worry, and he would
sit with me. Or perhaps, more accurately, I would quiet down long enough
to realise he’d been sitting with me all along.
So I decided to really internalise the line from The Adventures of
Huckleberry Finn that says, “you can’t pray a lie,” and I began praying
what I actually thought, and what I actually felt. In other words, I started
praying authentically. I started telling God what was actually going on
instead of what I thought would sound good or faithful or earnest.
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In the past, prayer was a passage I was reciting more than an outpouring.
As I began to open up to God more and more, I began to feel trust and
connection building between us. Intimacy, even.
I had no idea if my prayers would turn the hand of God one way or
another. I still don’t totally grasp the theology of prayer. But I do, now, get
the practice of it. At least, I’m starting to.
Prayer opens up a dialogue between us and God. We start to come into
contact with our needs, our desires, our passions, our worries, our deep
hurts. We sit still long enough and get quiet enough to allow ourselves to
be seen, heard and loved.
I believe this kind of thing changes us.
And so if we approach praying for our kids in this same way, then we are
talking with God honestly about our kids. We’re asking for wisdom. We’re
praying their souls will be protected from this nutso world. We’re praying
we, or they, don’t make really bad decisions or end up having to spend
the family fortune (ha!) on therapy someday. Most of all, we’re praying
they will know how deeply and widely they are loved.
And then we send it down the river.
I have a friend who told me that prayer is a surrendering — a letting go.
We take the thing we’re holding on to so tightly and we put it on an inner
tube and watch it float on down the river. God’s got it now.
Prayers can certainly happen on the run and they don’t need to be fancy
whatsoever. I love what Anne Lamott says — that the three essential
prayers are Help, Thanks and Wow. God doesn’t need us to punch a
prayer time card, that’s for sure, but I also think it’s worthwhile to sit
ourselves down for a bit of time on a regular basis. We don’t have to pray
in formulas or prescriptions. We simply start talking to God about what’s
on our minds, what’s in our souls, what’s keeping us stuck and what’s
keeping us up at night.
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And then we say something like, “God, is there anything you want to tell
me?” And we listen. Maybe we write down a few phrases; maybe we
don’t. Either way, we make hearing from God our prayer practice. I truly
believe he has things he wants to tell us. Not just specific answers to our
questions or requests, but he wants to remind us of his truths, his grace, his
love for us. He wants to open up space where we are feeling tight and
desperate and squeezed. He wants to teach us how to forgive ourselves,
and love our kids, and begin again.
All of this happens in prayer. God meets us on the road and a strange sort
of alchemy occurs. We begin to pray without it being a chore. Prayers
begin to flow out of us. In the car. While we’re making dinner. At the
office. On our back patio. Prayers begin to rise up from the depths, and
we are able to tell God the truth.
Wow. And Amen.
CONSTELLATIONS: ADDITIONAL ILLUMINATION ON THIS TOPIC
 Watch the “Becoming ... Parents Who Say yes” video in your MOPS
group
 Read the “Earmuffs and Bachelors” chapter in Starry-Eyed by
Mandy Arioto
VESPERS: A PRACTICE FOR BECOMING STARRY EYED
Practice the power of yes today. Say yes to something you normally
would say no to, yes to playing in the mud, yes to staying up a little later,
yes to the thing God is stirring in your guts. Record what you said ‘yes’ to
today. How did it make you feel? How was your day different?
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• CHAPTER 25 •
HOPE LOOKS LIKE DESPAIR
WISE WORDS
We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope. –
Martin Luther king, Jr.
STORY AND SOUL: SOMETHING TO WONDER ABOUT
WHEN YOU NEED TO FEEL THE PAIN
BY BONNIE GRAY
I woke up like any other day. But when I got up from bed, a sharp pain
shot through my ankle. My leg jerked, my step crumpled; I couldn’t walk.
What was going on? I hadn’t done anything strenuous or hurt it. Or
had I?
Two months earlier, I took the boys to get their energy out — by going to
an indoor trampoline gym.
I joined, jumping and laughing as I shot weightlessly up in the air — until I
landed on my right ankle. And lay writhing in pain.
That night, my ankle swelled up. But I didn’t think much of it. Doctors
always say the same thing in this scenario: Take ibuprofen. Put your feet
up. Ice it.
So, that’s what I did.
It was swollen on both sides of my ankle. But life was already busy
enough, taking care of my 3 year old toddler and 6 year old.
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I didn’t think I needed to go to the doctor. I didn’t feel my need.
My inability to feel my need landed me at the doctor’s office months later,
unable to walk. As I sat there, feet bare, waiting for the diagnosis, a
bewildered podiatrist asked me,
“Why didn’t you come in sooner? Bonnie — you have a broken bone.”
“What?”
“Yep. You did a good job breaking your foot,” Dr. Podiatrist sighed as he
pointed out the break on my x-ray.
I needed to get an MRI. We had to investigate what was going on inside.
All the signs of trauma my foot experienced had already left. There was
no redness or swelling left to observe the extent of the injury.
From all appearances, my foot was fine.
But, it wasn’t. Something was broken. Deep inside, there was pain.
As I drove home, beating myself up for not seeing the doctor earlier, I had
an epiphany. Bonnie, you have such a high tolerance for pain. You didn’t
even know you had a need.
A real need.
A bone actually broke and here I was — so highly functioning — so good
at taking care of everything and everyone, I lost sensitivity to my pain ...
And my need.
I began to sob. I realised some deep-seated fears and anxieties I’d been
battling simply weren’t going away even if I prayed hard enough, studied
my Bible more or doubled-up to trust God even harder.
God was gently speaking straight into me: Bonnie, you are in a lot of pain.
Something is broken. No one can see it, but I know it hurts. Don’t be
afraid to trust me — by feeling the pain, by feeling need.
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I needed to tell someone my story. I needed to investigate the pain.
It’s easy for us to ask God to take away our pain because we don’t want
anyone to know we’re hurting. We can even be very highly functioning.
God was whispering to me through this incident: Don’t ignore the wound
in your heart. I want you to heal.
Maybe you are also going through a season where you find your highly
productive, competent-self hitting a wall of hurt and confusion.
You may be like me — looking just fine on the outside. But inside you’re
trying hard to move away from disappointment, loss or loneliness. From
pain. And from need.
God offers us hope. He says — I see your need. And I don’t find it
shameful. It’s time for you to feel the pain. Together, our journey to share
our grief starts with trusting God is good. He is the soul physician. He
won’t abandon us in this process. Let’s give each other space to share this
journey.
CONSTELLATIONS: ADDITIONAL ILLUMINATION ON THIS TOPIC
 Watch the “Becoming ... Honest About Suffering” video in your
MOPS group
 Read the “Forget-me-nots” chapter in Starry-Eyed by Mandy Arioto
VESPERS: A PRACTICE TO BECOME STARRY EYED
Colour this star pattern as an act of hope, deciding that there is colour
and life waiting to be chosen. Starting from the centre is ideal and then
work your way out. Throw on some peaceful music, let your hands
become occupied and enjoy a few moments of contemplation.
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CHAPTER 26 •
A DAZZLING UNFOLDING:
THE PROCESS OF BECOMING OURSELVES
WISE WORDS
Has anyone ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie
dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life? – Everyone
STORY AND SOUL: SOMETHING TO WONDER ABOUT
Jedidiah Jenkins, a popular travel writer (at www.jedidiahjenkins.com) tells
about his 33rd birthday and a deeply moving game he and his friends
happened upon.
He writes, “When we showed up, the girls were deep into a game called
Me Say, You Say. We jumped right in. It focuses on one person at a time,
and they say how they believe the world perceives them, how they think
they come across. This of course brings out their insecurities ... Then,
everyone tells the person how they really come across, what their strengths
are, what they uniquely bring ... Having a group of people encourage you
can be intense, overwhelming and strange. You may wish for it to stop. All
eyes on you, even if they’re loving you, can feel like nudity in public.
Imagine if people did this more often, if we told each other what they
meant to us. One of the girls said ‘no one has ever spoken to me like this,
told me these things. Ever.’”1
What if we did this more often? If we chose to speak over the people
around us in ways that reminded them who they are. Words so full of love
and detail that they brought weary souls back to life? Maybe today is the
day to gather some friends and start a game of Me Say, You Say.
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CONSTELLATIONS: ADDITIONAL ILLUMINATION ON THIS TOPIC
 Watch the “Becoming ... Generationally Aware” video in your MOPS
group
 Read the “A Dazzling Unfolding” chapter in Starry-Eyed by Mandy
Arioto
VESPERS: A PRACTICE TO BECOME STARRY EYED
What is in your heart? What makes you, you? Name each section of the
diagram with attributes and descriptions of the things that make up your
heart.
Footnote:
1.
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See the Instagram post: instagram.com/p/_idowtjywj/
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• CHAPTER 27 •
THE NORTH STAR:
WHEN THE NEXT STEP IS UNCERTAIN
WISE WORDS
Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable
things you do not know. – Jeremiah 33:3
STORY AND SOUL: SOMETHING TO WONDER ABOUT
IT ALL MATTERS
BY MANDY ARIOTO
We live on the edge of a dirt sphere hurtling through the universe at
107kph and we can’t help but question how we got here and what it all
means. Sometimes it is a heartbreaking mess, isn’t it? But then there are
those moments when it’s something else, something good, something that
matters, something more. We’re made of bone, water and dust which
remind us of our connectedness to the universe; but we are also made of
Spirit, an intangible spark that is bursting with questions while
simultaneously insisting that there’s a point to all this breathing and being.
This is hope: the belief that it all matters. All of the searching and
wondering, it matters. All of the wishing on stars and praying and
pleading, that matters too. Because there are great and unsearchable
things we do not know yet.
I love the verse mentioned above, “Call to me and I will tell you great and
unsearchable things you do not know.” Fascinating. It seems to me that
there are treasures waiting for us to uncover, truths we do not know,
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unsearchable things that only appear once we begin to get curious and
ask to experience them.
Too often I feel stuck, waiting to know what is up ahead, uncertain of my
next step. What I am learning is that instead of stopping and waiting, we
need to keep moving. To keep getting out of bed in the morning and to
begin tirelessly searching for clues. And when we do, clues will appear.
Sometimes they will be faint or nonsensical, but they will appear. Like
breadcrumbs in a forest, one by one, a small trail will lead us home and
we will learn that there are really no coincidences, because it all matters.
There is a practice in Catholic tradition called peregrination or a more
common word is Pilgrimage. It involved setting sail from one’s homeland,
a place that was known and comfortable, toward a new place that was
unknown and challenging. Sometimes described as a journey to “seek out
the place of one’s resurrection,” a pilgrimage was considered a tireless
journey of looking for clues. It was about leaving the familiar in order to
look for breadcrumbs leading to something that had never been imagined
before. Sounds a lot like great and unsearchable things to me.
Here is my truth: searching and transitional times are hard for me. I want
to push through quickly to whatever is next so that the in-between period
is expedited. I get ravenous to know the exact right next step, anxiously
hoping for a series of tidy moments. But breadcrumbs are rarely tidy.
And so, I wonder if searching for our next steps is simply about asking and
looking. Asking God to show us and then searching for the answers. It
probably requires some risk, some leaving that which is comfortable, and
it probably also requires a little hope sprinkled with birdseed.
CONSTELLATIONS: ADDITIONAL ILLUMINATION ON THIS TOPIC
 Read the “North Star” chapter in Starry-Eyed by Mandy Arioto
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VESPERS: A PRACTICE TO BECOME STARRY EYED
Journeying through labyrinths has been a spiritual practice for centuries.
Found in medieval cathedrals, they were considered an exercise that
represented a journey. Comprised of a single path that leads to the centre
and then out again along a cyclical yet non-rational path, they are meant
to be a practice that allows for prayer and contemplation as one takes a
journey of the heart. Spend a few minutes tracing the labyrinth with your
finger as you pray about the next steps of your journey.
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• CHAPTER 28 •
GOOD THINGS RUN WILD
WISE WORDS
As high over the mountains the eagle spreads its wings, may your
perspective be larger than the view from the foothills. When the way is flat
and dull in times of gray endurance, may your imagination continue to
evoke horizons. – John O‘Donohue
SOUL AND STORY: SOMETHING TO WONDER ABOUT
Here we are at the end of our time together. It has been quite a journey
hasn’t it? The last thing we want to leave you with is a blessing. Read it
out loud as a prayer when you need to be reminded that there are good
things ahead of you.
A BLESSING:
In out-of-the-way moments when darkness has settled in, may you sense a
warmth stirring in your deepest depths. A warmth that convinces weary
flesh that healing is on its way.
Because new things, life-bringing things are bubbling up. Can you feel
them?
They are starting to show their brilliance. Just like glittering stars are a sign
of hope, so too are the sparks of light that reveal themselves to you
exactly when you need to see them.
They are North Stars, consistent in their presence, reminders to fix your
eyes on the fact that you are coming to life in a way you have never felt
before.
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And so, may your broken heart be mended, knit back together with
kindness and courage.
May you enjoy your skin, convinced and confident of its goodness.
May night find you sheltered and safe, and may dawn bring hope to your
heart, the promise of a new day potent with potential.
May thrilling horizons unfold when you are uncertain of the next step.
And may you become convinced that God is running toward you. Loving
you wholly without any hesitation.
May this season revive your soul and may you invite others in on it as well.
Because we are the Starry Eyed, people who are choosing audacious
hope and that is good.
Because good things run wild.
Indeed and Amen.
CONSTELLATIONS: ADDITIONAL ILLUMINATION ON THIS TOPIC
 Read the “Good Things Run Wild” chapter in Starry-Eyed by Mandy
Arioto
VESPERS: A PRACTICE TO BECOME STARRY EYED
Would you consider inviting someone you know to MOPS? There are so
many women who are desperate for friendship and hope, women who are
simply waiting to be invited. We’d love to welcome them to our sisterhood,
we are so much better together.
Big hugs, friend.
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AUTHOR BIOS
BONNIE GRAY is the author of
“Finding Spiritual Whitespace:
Awakening Your Soul to Rest,” speaker
and blogger sharing encouragement
and stories like coffee for the soul. A
mum of two boys and wife to Eric in
Silicon Valley, Bonnie writes with a
passion to create space for a soulinspired life, guiding people to hear
God’s whispers in the daily grind.
Bonnie writes for Dayspring (in)Courage, Relevant Magazine, Crosswalk,
spotlighted by Christianity Today and Catalyst Leadership. There’s a
quiet space for you to refresh your soul and rest on your Journey with
Bonnie on her blog at faithbarista.com.
LORI LARA is a writer, black-belt mixed
martial arts instructor and
photographer. By sharing her raw story
of healing from depression and posttraumatic stress, Lori is passionate
about encouraging others through the
hard times of life. In addition to her
own blog (lorilara.com), she’s a guest
blogger for numerous recovery sites
and has co-authored several books
including: Hope in the Mourning
(Zondervan 2013), The Multitasking Mom’s Survival Guide (Chicken Soup
for the Soul 2013), Reboot Your Life (Chicken Soup for the Soul 2014),
and A fierce Flourishing: An Invitation to Rest, Celebrate and Notice
Goodness (MOPS 2015). Lori lives in northern California with her husband
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Robert and their two sons. For writing and speaking engagements, please
contact her at [email protected].
LEEANA TANKERSLEY is a mum of
three, wife of an active-duty navy
seal and confesses she is sometimes
overwhelmed by this big, wide,
breathtaking life – and doesn’t
always know how to find her way
through it all. She is a gypsy at heart
and believes deep down inside of
each of us lives a freedom-seeker,
wildly ready for breath and life and
creating. She writes to remind us all we’re in it together, we need God
(and each other) and the overwhelming days will not have the last word.
Her new book, Brazen: The Courage to Find the You that’s Been Hiding”
is available wherever books are sold. Follow Leeana at
leeanatankersley.com // Instagram: @lmtankersley // Twitter:
@lmtankersley // facebook: facebook.com/tankersleyleeana
EMILY T. WIERENGA is an award-winning
journalist, blogger, commissioned artist and
columnist, and the author of six books
including the new memoir Making It Home:
Finding My Way to Peace, Identity and
Purpose (Baker Books, 2015). Proceeds
from Emily’s books benefit her non-profit,
The Lulu Tree. She lives in Alberta, Canada
with her husband and three children. For
more info, please visit emilywierenga.com.
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MANDY ARIOTO has three kids, two dogs and a
consistently messy house. She married her
husband because he prefers her without makeup.
Mandy is a seeker and sometimes finder who likes
dancing always and running sometimes. She
loves the smell of thunderstorms in the summer.
Mandy is the President and CEO of MOPS
International. Before joining MOPS, Mandy was
a preaching pastor at MOSAIC. Check out her
new book Starry-Eyed: Seeing Grace in the Unfolding Constellation of
Life and Motherhood (Zondervan) available in August 2016. For some
sporadic blogging you can find her at mandyjarioto.com.
Becoming Starry Eyed
103
Answers to Four-letter Word crossword
on page 75.
104
Becoming Starry Eyed