THE BAD IDEA THEATER COMPANY PRESENTS HAMLET, THE MUSICAL: LIFE IN THE KEY OF A MELANCHOLY D ________________________________________ by Stefan Farrenkopf Copyright © 2016,
Stefan Farrenkopf
746 Cherry Wood Place Gahanna, OH 43230 Phone: (614) 595­9800 [email protected] 2 Cast of Characters Amy:
Rudy:
Anita:
Professor Trout (Beth): A young actress An audience member The playwright An unsuccessful professor of metaphysical philosophy
3 Music cue. The stage is black. In the darkness, two piano notes chime. Then again. They repeat, as a light comes up slowly to reveal AMY, alone on stage. She is dressed as Hamlet, all in black, as Hamlet, though the clothing is contemporary. Not a dress; we aren’t sure if she is playing Hamlet as a man or woman. AMY TO BE TO BE OR NOT TO BE THAT IS THE QUESTION WHETHER ‘TIS NOBLER IN THE MIND TO SUFFER THE SLINGS AND ARROWS OF OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE AND BY OPPOSING END THEM RUDY Yelling, from a seat in the audience Just stop! AMY TO SLEEP RUDY Standing now Stop it! AMY NO MORE RUDY He moves to the stage. Throughout the play, RUDY speaks in iambic pentameter. However, he doesn’t know it, and neither should most of the audience. Deliver the lines for naturalism, obscuring but not obliterating the rhythm. The rhythm should be apparent in retrospect. 4 No more! This is insane. This must be stopped! A musical? Of ​
Hamlet​
? What the fuck? Is this okay? With everyone that’s here? This sacrilege? This. . . mockery. For real? AMY Speaking about RUDY, delivered to the audience, looking for help. THE OPPRESSOR’S WRONGS RUDY Oppressor’s wrongs? I’m wrong? You’re wrong! You’re nuts! AMY Trying to shut him up HE HIMSELF MIGHT HIS QUIETUS MAKE RUDY Finishing the line “With a bare bodkin! Who would fardels bear. . .” Just say it! Say the lines! It’s Shakespeare! Christ. ANITA From a seat in the house Hey you! RUDY Hey what? ANITA Get off the stage RUDY Who, me? ANITA Yeah, you. Who do you think you are? RUDY 5 Who, me? Fuck you. Who do you think YOU are? ANITA Me? I’m the playwright. I wrote this. And I raised the money and I got these good people to be in it. And I directed it and I filled these seats, that’s who am I. What did YOU do? What did YOU make? Who the fuck are you, coming down on the stage in the middle of my show. RUDY I am. . . I’m a discerning patron of the arts. ANITA Like hell you are. RUDY Like hell I AM. And who the fuck are you? To make a Hamlet sing. Good God. It’s shit! ANITA Moving to the stage now. Woah woah woah woah woah. Did you just tell me my play is shit? AMY To RUDY THE PANGS OF DESPISED LOVE RUDY It’s not your play. It’s William Shakespeare’s play ANITA Yeah, well. He’s dead. RUDY I thought he was. But you killed him again. AMY To RUDY LOSE THE NAME OF ACTION ANITA 6 Oh, this is blasphemy, right? You can’t touch Shakespeare, right? What are you, some sort of musty academic, telling we who bring this stuff to life not to handle it too hard? Some sort of Shakespeare expert? RUDY Hell yes! AMY glares at him; she knows he’s lying. He notices. Well, no. I like him well enough. I take a class in Shakespeare. At the Y. ANITA The Y. RUDY The Y, okay. ANITA Give classes on The Bard RUDY It’s not a Shakespeare class, or just. . . not quite We read this play, but talk a lot about The nature of reality. The class. . . Professor Trout is such a genius. I feel like. . . hey, fuck you. I know enough To know this is a really bad idea. AMY BE ALL MY SINS REMEMBERED ANITA Okay. Okay, I get it. You took a night class. You read ​
Hamlet​
. You hate my musical. RUDY I do. ANITA I know. 7 RUDY You know, I really do. ANITA Okay. Fine. FINE! But interrupting the show? Storming the stage? What the hell is wrong with you? RUDY There’s nothing wrong with me. You go to hell. ANITA To AMY I think he doth protest too much. RUDY It’s just an awful show! Okay? That’s all! I hate your show. That’s all that’s going on. And she’s a girl! Your Hamlet is a girl. A Hamlet girl who sings! It’s fucking bad. ANITA No. I don’t think so. You talk funny. There’s something else going on. RUDY Well. . . yeah. There’s something else. It’s. . . AMY To RUDY, with some tenderness, but also trying to get him to shut up SOFT YOU NOW RUDY Hey Amy. Amy. Please come home to me. This thing we have. I know it; it is real. Forget this stupid dream and please come home. At “stupid dream,” AMY hardens again. AMY 8 With bitterness Get thee to a nunnery. Hard light shift to PROFESSOR TROUT, in front of a chalkboard. On the chalkboard is written: Nature of Reality 101: Shakespeare, Musicals, String Theory, and the Metaphysics of Available Light Dr. K. V. Trout, PhD And this chart: Throughout the PROFESSOR’S monologue, AMY and ANITA freeze. RUDY is still for a while. But then he turns and looks at AMY and ANITA. He’s puzzled. RUDY waves his hand in front of their faces, gently pokes them. No reaction. WTF? RUDY turns and watches PROFESSOR TROUT. 9 PROFESSOR TROUT Of course, the question itself is a contemplation of the very nature of existence. When Hamlet says “To be or not to be,” he, as a character in the play, is questioning whether living is worth it, whether the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune are better just avoided by dying. But we know, of course, that Hamlet is a construct, an imaginary blend, perhaps, of the legendary Scandinavian hero Amleth, and Shakespeare’s young son Hamnet, whose death inspired the existential contemplations of the play. So here we have a fictional character, who, in a literal way, doesn’t exist ­ wondering whether to ​
be​
, which of course, he can not. Except that to him, he is. Being, that is. Neat, huh? RUDY Professor Trout? PROFESSOR TROUT Be quiet.
RUDY Dr. Trout? PROFESSOR TROUT whispering You can’t see me. RUDY You’re standing over there. PROFESSOR TROUT Gesturing to chalkboard I’m in a classroom. You’re in a theater. Completely different places. It’s a convention of. . . RUDY walks over to the professor, deliberately, to make a point. RUDY And now I’m in the classroom too, I guess. PROFESSOR TROUT What are you doing, Rudy? 10 RUDY Well, have you seen this play? It’s a disgrace. PROFESSOR TROUT I couldn’t see it. RUDY But it was. . . it was just right over there PROFESSOR TROUT What’s the problem? RUDY It’s ​
Hamlet​
, see? The melancholy dane? PROFESSOR TROUT Mm­hm? RUDY They’re doing Shakespeare as a musical! PROFESSOR TROUT And so? RUDY Please. Please don’t say that you approve of this. A musical! With people bursting into song! PROFESSOR TROUT Well. Is it really all that different? RUDY starts to get angry No, hear me out. First, the iambic pentameter. da DA da DA da DA da DA da DA. It’s what made Shakespeare a superstar. Not the stories. Well, the stories too. But it’s the poetry that makes him a genius, right? Who do you know who speaks in poetry? That’s not real. Is that so different from characters singing? 11 RUDY It doesn’t seem the same to me at all. PROFESSOR TROUT And then the soliloquies. Right? Do you think Shakespeare’s audience believed that folks would stand alone, in a room, and express their innermost thoughts, brilliantly conceived, in beautifully realized language, in real life? No. It was a convention. It was part of the magic. Either you buy into it, or you don’t. In Shakespeare, it’s the iambic pentameter. In musicals, people share what they are thinking by singing. RUDY It seems so cheesy. Fake. Contrived. The songs. PROFESSOR TROUT Wait. Hamlet? The musical? That’s what Amy was auditioning for when you had that big fight. When she left. RUDY That’s not the point. That’s not what it’s about. PROFESSOR TROUT And you went to see the show? Why would you. . . Reason and love keep little company together nowadays. Maybe you should stand alone onstage and reveal your thoughts directly to the audience. RUDY Soliloquy is not something I do. PROFESSOR TROUT Maybe you should. It might do you some good. It’s not like you’re going to sing a song. Music cue ANITA HERE I AM STANDING ON A BLACKENED FLOOR AMY I’M DRESSED LIKE HAMLET AND I’M NOT SURE WHAT FOR WAS I SINGING A SOLILOQUY? 12 ANITA TO BE OR NOT TO BE AMY AND ANITA THAT WAS A REALLY BAD IDEA ANITA I’M NOT QUITE SURE WHAT I WAS THINKING OF AMY YOU WERE DOING SOMETHING THAT YOU LOVE THERE WAS NOTHING, THEN YOU MADE A SHOW THAT’S SOMETHING, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS A REALLY BAD IDEA ANITA I BIT OFF MORE THAN I CAN CHEW AMY SOMETIMES THAT’S WHAT YOU GOTTA DO TO FIND OUT WHAT YOU’RE REALLY MADE OF AND I KNEW WHAT I HAD TO DO ANITA YOU HAD TO LEAVE A STUPID FOOL WHO COULDN’T LET YOU LIVE YOUR OWN LOVE AMY BUT IS HE MY TRUE LOVE? AMY AND ANITA HERE WE ARE, STUDIO TWO IN THE RIFFE SINGING SONGS, MAKE BELIEVE THAT THIS IS LIFE AMY THIS ISN’T SOMETHING THAT REAL PEOPLE DO ANITA 13 BUT WE’RE REAL PEOPLE TOO AMY AND ANITA HAMLET, LES MIZ, OR MEDEA WE’RE MAKING SOMETHING NEW WHO CARES IF IT’S A REALLY BAD IDEA PROFESSOR TROUT So according to Stephen Hawking’s interpretation of String Theory, there is not only this universe. And there aren’t only eleven universes. There are, in fact, an infinite number of universes. And if there are an infinite number of universes, that means that every possibility that can happen, will happen. RUDY Did you see that? Those two just sang a song They sang a song like we aren’t even here. PROFESSOR TROUT They can’t see us. They are on a stage, and we are far away in a classroom. RUDY You keep on saying that! But look! Right there! PROFESSOR TROUT I’d like to finish my point about string theory. RUDY It wasn’t even that good of a song. PROFESSOR TROUT I have reason to believe it was written fairly quickly. RUDY I don’t see how string theory’s relevant. PROFESSOR TROUT Okay. Then consider the simulation argument. RUDY gestures for her to go ahead 14 The simulation argument is a metaphysical hypothesis that it is more likely that we live in a post­human technological simulation than that we live in reality. RUDY I don’t. . . look, I. . .I don’t quite see the point. . . PROFESSOR TROUT She didn’t leave you to be in that musical. RUDY She did. She left to be in that damn play. PROFESSOR TROUT She left because you told her her dream was stupid. RUDY It really is an awful awful play. PROFESSOR TROUT It is. But it’s real. RUDY To her, you mean. It’s something real to her. PROFESSOR TROUT No. According to the infinite universe theory, and the simulation argument, everything that can be, is. RUDY So somewhere, Hamlet’s real? You mean to say? PROFESSOR TROUT Not just Hamlet. Every Hamlet. Richard Burbage and Laurence Olivier and Ethan Hawke and Kenneth Branagh. All the Hamlets you can imagine. The Lion King. Kylo Rey with the Darth Vader mask. All of them. Happened. Or are happening. Somewhere. RUDY And even this one? Even this damn show? 15 PROFESSOR TROUT Even you. RUDY Well, yeah. Of course I’m real. That much I know. PROFESSOR TROUT But you, too, are a fictional construct. RUDY No, not me. I came down from the house. PROFESSOR TROUT But you’re made up. RUDY I’m real, professor. Actual flesh and blood. There’s no way you can prove that I am not. PROFESSOR TROUT You talk funny. RUDY I’ve heard that said tonight. It isn’t nice. PROFESSOR TROUT But it’s true. Say something. Then stop when I raise my hand and don’t say any more. RUDY I don’t see why I ought to She raises her hand. When she puts it down: play this game. PROFESSOR TROUT See? You can’t do it. 16 RUDY This is getting She raises her hand. RUDY stops. She puts her hand down: Weird. What is your point? PROFESSOR TROUT You talk funny. Iambic pentameter. da DA da DA da DA da DA da DA. You’ve been speaking in iambic pentameter. Everything you’ve said tonight. With exaggerated rhythm RUDY that’s BULL shit PROFESSOR TROUT SOME times YOU can SHARE your LINES RUDY no WAY. PROFESSOR TROUT it’s TRUE. RUDY you PROVE it. PROFESSOR TROUT WELL i CAN. Counting to five on her fingers for emphasis: “No MORE! This IS in ­ SANE. This MUST be STOPPED! A MUS­i­CAL? Of ​
HAM­let​
? WHAT the FUCK?” 17 For the first show: PROFESSOR TROUT Just come back here again for the ten o’clock show. You can scan it yourself. RUDY He’s hyper aware of his speech now, but he can’t stop. what DO you MEAN come BACK at TEN o’ CLOCK? PROFESSOR TROUT Oh, it’ll blow your mind. You’re going to do all of this again. For the second show: PROFESSOR TROUT You should have seen it for the 7:30 show. Your rhythm's much better now. You’re better memorized this time. RUDY He’s hyper aware of his speech now, but he can’t stop. what DO you MEAN the SEV­en THIR­ty SHOW? PROFESSOR TROUT Oh, it would blow your mind. You’ve done all of this before, just a couple hours ago. RUDY So all of this? So all of this is real? PROFESSOR TROUT Maybe real. Maybe not real. But as real as anything else. Beat As real as your love for Amy. 18 Lights shift ANITA TO BE RUDY To AMY But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? AMY That’s the wrong play. RUDY It is the east, and Amy is the sun. ANITA TO BE AMY Rudy. That’s nice. RUDY If we shadows have offended. . . AMY Again, different play. RUDY If we shadows have offended Think but this but this and all is mended. That you have but slumbered here ANITA AND PROFESSOR TROUT TO BE RUDY While these visions did appear 19 AMY Yeah, okay. Maybe. RUDY Offering her his hands Give me your hands if we be friends She does. Sincerely: And Rudy will restore amends. They embrace AMY This is a really bad idea. beat Is this real? RUDY I do not know if this is real or not. It’s beautiful, and beauty’s all we’ve got. ANITA It’s beautiful ALL TO BE. END OF SHOW