Sigma Lambda Gamma Sorority
COMMUNICATING IN CONFLICT • OVERVIEW SHEET
What is this skill?
You’ve often heard the term “conflict management.” But can you really manage conflict or just
work with it? This module will help you develop your communication skills when working in
conflict with another person. Not only will you become more aware of your communication style
but you will also enhance your empathetic listening skills. You will also further develop your selfregulation skills, working to manage your internal impulses when you’re in tense situations such as
conflict.
Self-Awareness
Emotional Self-Awareness
Accurate Self-Assessment
Self-Confidence
Self-Management
Emotional Self-Control
Transparency
Adaptability
Achievement
Initiative
Optimism
Social Awareness
Empathy
Organizational Awareness
Service
Relationship Management
Inspirational Leadership
Influence
Developing Others
Change Catalyst
Conflict Management
Building Bonds
Teamwork and Collaboration
To be successful with this program you need the following:
Worksheets:
Communication Styles: Passive, Assertive, Aggressive
Conflict Situations
Conflict Hints
Materials:
Flipchart paper and markers
Masking tape
To be successful with this program you need to prepare in advance:
A flipchart sheet with the following –
Positive Effects of Conflict:
Long standing problems surface and are addressed
People are forced to clarify their views
An environment for win-win attitudes develop
The tension stimulates creative problem solving
People have a chance to test their leadership capacities
Think of some examples of passive, assertive, and aggressive styles of
communication to illustrate the concept.
Copy the Conflict Situations worksheet and cut into strips for the small group work. This does not
have to be copied for each individual.
Facilitation Tip:
Don’t wait until there is deep conflict to implement this module. Conflict communication is a
learned skill. Practice makes perfect. Prepare the members for personal disclosure, active and
respectful listening, and discussing conflict in the group.
Estimated Length of Time for this Module:
45 minutes
Sigma Lambda Gamma Sorority
COMMUNICATING IN CONFLICT
MODULE GUIDE
Why Conflict Is Important • 5 minutes
Ask the chapter for a show of hands for who likes conflict.
Ask the chapter who does not like conflict. (If there are individuals
who do hold up their hand, ask why.)
Share that in general, most people dislike conflict. People enjoy
harmony in their relationships with others. Conflict takes us out of our
comfort zone and forces us to use communication skills that are under-developed and experience
feelings that make us uncomfortable or unhappy.
This module will help us appreciate conflict. We’ll examine differing styles of communicating in
conflict. And, we’ll explore different ways to listen empathetically in conflict.
Conflict is a normal and natural part of life. Share the positive effects of conflict or disagreement in
a group (on the prepared flipchart):
Positive Effects of Conflict
Long standing problems surface and are addressed
People are forced to clarify their views
An environment for win-win attitudes develop
The tension stimulates interest and a recommitment to relationships
Disagreement sparks creative problem solving
People have a chance to test their leadership capacities
Ask if anyone has other ideas about the positive aspects of conflict to add to the list.
What’s My Style? Overview • 5 minutes
Review the content on the Communication Styles: Passive, Assertive, Aggressive
worksheet. Provide personal examples to illustrate each of the styles. (Do not use sorority sisters as
examples!)
PASSIVE
Inhibited
Submissive
Asks permission to broach topic (i.e. “I’m sorry to bother you but can we talk about…”)
Is easily put-off
Likely to blame others
Silent conversations with self such as "I should have said…”
Uses quiet ways to punish people (ignoring, shunning, etc.)
ASSERTIVE
Direct and honest
Open and fair expression (i.e. “I want you to hear me out first, then I’m happy to hear your
side.”
Discussion is clear
Attends to feelings of others (i.e. “This might be an uncomfortable subject for both of us
but we really need to talk.”
Uses verbal skills to negotiate for change
Reinforces positive behavior in others
AGGRESSIVE
Dominant
Abusive
Puts down others
Voice is loud, harsh, and demanding
Replays earlier angers or frustrations
Overreacts to problems
Attacks person and not the problem (i.e. “You’re a jerk! No wonder we can’t
communicate!”)
Takes own needs into account, not others
The goal of this module is to help us develop assertive communication skills. While several of us
may have passive or aggressive styles, we are going to work on strengthening assertive
communication and empathetic listening skills for the benefit of the members as leaders and future
employees. We will also benefit personally with a healthier chapter environment (stronger
relationships).
Small Group Exercise • 10 minutes
Divide the chapter into three groups. Assign three spots in the room and give each group a sheet of
flipchart paper and markers. Now assign each group 1) passive communication, 2) aggressive
communication, and 3) assertive communication.
Ask the groups to make a list of advantages and disadvantages of each style on flipchart sheets.
Have them select one person who will report to the chapter as a whole after 10 minutes.
Large Group Sharing • 10 minutes
Ask each small group to share the content of their flipchart sheets. Be sure to have the group with
assertive communication go last.
Listening Empathetically in Our Chapter • 5 minutes
Assertive communication aims at equalizing the balance of power, not in winning the battle.
Listening empathetically is one skill associated with assertive communication. Empathetic listening
helps us show that we care and that the person we’re talking to matters to us.
Share the following four elements of empathetic listening:
1.
Empathetic listening isn’t showing pity for another person. It communicates a desire to
truly understand and hear the perspective of the other person.
2.
Empathetic listening strengthens relationships and diffuses emotion because the listener
communicates understanding.
3.
Empathetic listening builds rapport and shows the individual that you care about the
relationship.
4.
This style of listening sets the stage for win-win problem solving.
Review the Helpful Empathetic Phrases worksheet. Give some examples of actual responses they
could use to illustrate this listening. (i.e. “Okay, we’ve gone over this issue for about 15 minutes
now, let me make sure I understand your perspective from what I’ve heard…”) Ask for examples
from chapter members as well.
Helpful Empathetic Phrases:
As I understand, you felt that…
So, as you see it…
What I’m hearing you say is…
As I hear it you…
Are you saying you’re feeling…
Let me summarize to make sure I understand…
If I hear you, you really think ____ is important…
Role Plays • 10 minutes
Let the chapter know they will be doing some role-plays next. Some people may not be excited and
whine but let them know that empathetic listening is a learned and practiced skill. They can work to
enhance this skill in the comfortable environment with their sorority sisters before they really have
to use this skill.
Give each of the three small groups one of the Conflict Situations from the worksheet. Ask them to
read it as a group and then have two people volunteer to role-play the situation. The person leading
the approach should use empathetic phrases to show she is truly listening and working to resolve the
issue together.
The rest of members of the group who are not role-playing should be observing and listening for
effective phrases and behaviors in the conflict resolution scenario.
Closure • 5 minutes
Close the module using the following large group discussion questions.
 What were some effective phrases used in the role play?
 What assertive communication behaviors did you notice?
 How did a win-win scenario emerge?
 What did the role-players do and say to make that happen?
Remind the chapter that assertive communication in conflict is a skill that must be practiced to be
improved.
Review the Conflict Hints worksheet and highlight a few of the suggestions. Since the members are
receiving the entire worksheet, they can review the content on their own.
Thank everyone for their participation.
Unless otherwise attributed, all material is written and edited by Karyn Nishimura Sneath (Npower) and Marcy Levy Shankman (MLS Consulting). ©
Copyright shared with Sigma Lambda Gamma Sorority. All Rights reserved. You may reprint material from this document in other electronic or print
publications provided the above copyright notice. Original artwork by JT Williams.
Communication Styles: Passive, Assertive, Aggressive
PASSIVE
Inhibited
Submissive
Asks permission to broach topic
Is easily put-off
Likely to blame others
Silent conversations with self such as "I should have said…”
Uses quiet ways to punish people (ignoring, shunning, etc.)
ASSERTIVE
Direct and honest
Open and fair expression
Discussion is clear
Attends to feelings of others
Uses verbal skills to negotiate for change
Reinforces positive behavior in others
AGGRESSIVE
Dominant
Abusive
Puts down others
Voice is loud, harsh, and demanding
Replays earlier angers or frustrations
Overreacts to problems
Attacks person and not the problem
Takes own needs into account, not others
Conflict Situations
Situation 1: The Conflict Producer has committed to volunteering several responsibilities to the chapter.
She keeps letting the chapter down when she forgets, doesn’t show up to meetings, and basically doesn’t do
what she says she will.
Instructions:
Conflict Approacher – address the behaviors of the individual and work toward a resolution using empathetic
listening.
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Situation 1: The Conflict Producer has committed to volunteering several responsibilities to the chapter.
She keeps letting the chapter down when she forgets, doesn’t show up to meetings, and basically doesn’t do
what she says she will.
Instructions:
Conflict Producer – bring up several excuses for not pulling through for the chapter. You can act as difficult
as you wish (but be believable).
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Situation 2: A sister becomes quite intoxicated at social events. Her behavior becomes abusive and
belligerent when she is drunk. Several members have talked about her behavior but no one knows exactly
how to handle her.
Instructions:
Conflict Approacher – address the sister in a caring yet firm manner. Discuss the sorority’s values and
expectations. Help her own up to her behaviors and agree to change them at the next social event.
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Situation 2: A sister becomes quite intoxicated at social events. Her behavior becomes abusive and
belligerent when she is drunk. Several members have talked about her behavior but no one knows exactly
how to handle her.
Instructions:
Conflict Producer – act defensive and hostile. Take everything the “approacher” says personally and try to
turn the focus away from your behavior and onto other chapter members.
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Situation 3:
Instructions: A sister can’t pay her sorority bills. While the chapter has worked with her to make a payment
play, she still doesn’t pay. She is behind in dues and other bills more than three months.
Conflict Approacher – listen empathetically and work to resolve this issue. You may have to make the tough
decision to see if she must terminate her membership.
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Situation 3:
Instructions: A sister can’t pay her sorority bills. While the chapter has worked with her to make a payment
play, she still doesn’t pay. She is behind in dues and other bills more than three months.
Conflict Producer – make up every excuse you can for not paying your bills. Try to convince the conflict
“approacher” that this isn’t a big deal and try to get her to let you off the hook.
Conflict Hints
Here are some ways to reduce the probability of negative outcomes and how to
handle conflict more constructively.
1.
Be prepared.
Before confronting someone, be clear about what it is that concerns you, have
specific examples of the undesired behavior in mind, and know how you want the
other person to change. The more prepared you feel before confronting, the less
likely you will be to get off the track if the person becomes defensive. Recognize
the range of emotions you might experience or expect from the other person.
2.
Come to the point quickly and state the purpose of the meeting and
your intentions.
By doing this you can be helpful to the other person by not keeping him/her
guessing or wondering what you want to talk about. Be clear and concise without
being apologetic or aggressive.
3.
Discuss the behavior, not the person.
Talk about the behavior that is irritating you; do not evaluate the person. It is
easier for the other person to hear, "I get upset with you when you are late for
appointments," than, "You are an irresponsible person." Judging makes the
person feel attacked. The person becomes defensive and uses counter-attacking
devices. Addressing the behavior provides an opportunity for constructive
feedback.
4.
Be specific.
Be as specific as possible about the undesirable behavior. For instance, "I get
upset when you are late for appointments, and this is the third time this week."
Again, avoid attributing motives to the other person's behavior. None of us really
knows why another person behaves the way they do. To say, "You are late
because you like to irritate me," is a speculation that can easily be denied and take
the focus away from the main issue - late arrivals.
5.
Make "I" statements.
Own the conflict as your own. Let the other person know how their behavior
affects you. "When you are late for appointments, I get angry and feel
disrespected by you."
6.
Listen to the other person's story.
Quite often conflicts are the result of poor communication and/or misunderstanding. We
perceive behavior, not intentions. Often times our intentions are not matched with our
behavior; we may mean one thing but say or act in such a way that others misinterpret our
intentions.
“I was late three times this week because I was putting the finishing touches on reports for
the meetings. I wanted to have complete and accurate reports. I thought you would be
pleased with my presentations."
7.
Be specific about any behavioral changes you want.
You could say, "I would rather have you on time with complete reports, but if there must be
a choice, I want you there on time." At this point you and the other person may negotiate
changes in behavior. Genuinely consider suggestions offered by the other person. You may
also need to change the time of the meeting, have less frequent meetings, or have more time
for planning.
8.
Discuss consequences.
If the situation is serious, you may need to let the other person know the consequences of
continuing the undesirable behavior.
9.
Check for understanding.
Be sure you have been clearly understood and that you have clearly understood the other
person. Assess the agreement between you and the other person – what has the
“confrontee” agreed to do differently? Summarize to make sure you both agree on the final
outcomes of the conversation.
10.
Finally, take time to express appreciation.
Focus on the positive aspects of the relationship. When two people are committed to
maintaining a good working relationship, confronting undesirable or unacceptable behavior
can strengthen the bond.