HOW CAN THERE BE HARMONY BETWEEN THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS?
From a talk given in retreat in Schlagsülsdorf, Day 2, 6 October 2013.
It was really a joy to walk along the road today, in the brilliant sunshine, down the little street
which has practically no traffic. The rosehip berries and the red apples glistened in the
sunlight. Listening to the crunch of my footsteps on the gravel, I walked along with a feeling
of peace; there was no stress, but a feeling of One-ness, of not being separate from the
Moment. A thought presented itself now and then, and went on its way, leaving no trace
behind.
And how quickly such a moment of Oneness can be lost! A thought suddenly pops up: ” I
completely forgot to hand in a project to someone at work, before coming here for the
retreat! “. At once there is separation, one is pulled backwards from the Moment. It’s almost
as though there were a real threat right there in front of me. With this thought, there came a
strong feeling of fear. Maybe the fear came first and then the thought about work. It
happened so fast!
And then the thinking picked up speed: “That isn’t important right now. My friend at work
can find out about the correspondence for himself. I can’t do anything now anyway.” Then
the hard knot of tension that had manifested in the body fell away. The feeling of unrest and
worry stayed with me for a while. It is amazing to observe this. In a couple of minutes it went
away, and the feeling of One-ness and Non-separation returned.
Is it not astonishing how, when the outer world makes no demands upon us, things can
happen within? The question presents itself: How do feelings work? What are feelings, and
how do they interact with our thoughts? Can this be observed from moment to moment,
right now, in this very moment, as we talk about it, or listen to a talk? Is it possible for one to
linger a while in the stillness of self-observation? It is not a matter of looking at the words I
choose, but rather of seeing if you can take part in this whole process with me, as it unfolds.
It is all about direct experience and moment-to- moment awareness, and has nothing to do
with believing: we speak here of personal, inner certainty.
WHAT IS A FEELING ANYWAY?
So what is feeling all about? What is a feeling? Using a scientific approach has been of help
to me, because our intellect seeks to understand that which we experience directly.
Research has shown that our feelings are linked to a very old part of the brain known as the
limbic system, and has been described as being a ring-shaped, discrete area of the brain.
More recent research has questioned this way of seeing the limbic system, because there
are just too many separate branches of the brain which are involved in feeling. A number of
biologically ancient structures within the brain, like the amygdala, play an important role.
Some of these structures are so old that it is believed they go back some three hundred
million years, to the time when reptiles and amphibians were evolving. Just yesterday I
rescued a little salamander out on the road. He was just sitting there like he was stunned.
As I bent over to pick him up, he wanted to run away and stamped his little feet. It is pretty
clear that this very simple creature was experiencing fear. Now, we may assume that
salamanders do not think, but the age-old feeling of fear we can observe in ourselves, and
fear can be present without thought.
One can observe many complex feelings in mammals. We have two cats at home, and I
never cease to be both fascinated and astonished at what happens when they can’t do what
they want. Certain things they may not do, like jump up onto the kitchen table. When they
want to jump up anyway, and then at the last minute don’t dare to, they excitedly scratch or
lick somewhere, real fast. There are two feelings in conflict here, and we can literally see for
ourselves how feelings play off against one another, how the cat’s pent-up energy becomes
some kind of harmless behavior. I remember how once I bumped my head on the corner of
a cupboard, and then hitting it back. Then my knuckles hurt, and my head hurt too! What
then is the purpose of these primitive feelings of anger and fear and of the energy that come
bundled up with them? Feelings like fear and anger, have been with us for millions of years,
so they must have something to do with survival.
Anger and fear evolved in order to protect us. Fear has a voice. It says:” This body has
been threatened. This organism is in danger and something must be done. “Intense bodily
activity comes with this assertion, and we either react with anger of aggression, or we get
ready to flee. Once, as a student, I had to report to the teacher’s office. I stood there in front
of the door and couldn’t even knock. I wanted to run away, when one of the teachers came
up and led me away.
A third reaction we can have, one which can appear in our everyday lives, just like the other
two feelings, is the feeling of sinking into the ground, of freezing and not being able to act.
Instead of the accompanying sovereign need to act, nothing happens. This often makes for
painful memories. For example, we might think: “ At least you could have said - ‘ You can’t
speak to me in that tone of voice! ‘ .. But oh no, not you. You just stood there like an idiot
and didn’t say a word. “
But is this reaction really dumb? Freezing like that may well have saved the life of a distant
ancestor who came face to face with a bear. Since he stayed rooted to the spot, the bear
saw no threat and went on his way. Had our ancestor not reacted in this manner, he may
well have not survived and we wouldn’t be here to talk about it today. I might not have been
here either if, as a child, I had not once froze in my tracks in the middle of the street. A car
shot by me, missing me by inches, and came to a stop with squealing tires twenty feet
away.
But there is a fourth ancient feeling that we often encounter in our everyday lives, namely
the feeling of disgust, or loathing. This feeling came into being to protect us from eating the
wrong foods, but in our hygienically clean modern world, other people who are loathsome in
their behavior elicit this feeling of disgust.
What these ancient, deeply rooted feelings have in common is that they are triggered
automatically. We must ‘ suffer ‘ them. These feelings are accompanied by intense physical
activity, and we are quite literally thrown off balance. A cocktail of hormones pours into the
blood, our pulse and blood pressure go up or down, the muscles tighten up, and there is an
immediate feeling of being separate and apart.
When one sees the power and speed with which these feelings arise and just sweep over
us, and how they completely invade our inner space, then it becomes clear why they have
such control over our actions. We strive to be more peaceful and to have a better handle on
our feelings, but if we are to be honest with ourselves, we must recognize how deeply
rooted our emotions are, and how independent of our wills our emotional reactions are.
Maybe you say: “ I meditate now; that should take care of any problems I may have with
feelings. Situations in which I am governed by my feelings will not take place anymore.“ But
is that what we really want? How many times would we have problems on the road if these
ancient and lighting fast reactions did not take over? Anyone who drives a car knows how
quickly a scary situation can arise, and how you have to brake at once to prevent an
accident. The whole thing is over before you realize what has happened. Life-saving
reactions come from the brain, before there is any awareness of what has taken place.
THOUGHTS INFLUENCE FEELINGS, FEELINGS INFLUENCE THOUGHTS
Do we really react to situations automatically, like frogs or lizards, or is there a difference?
We differ from most animals in that our feelings interact with the cortex of the brain, where
thoughts and images are created and where our whole store of knowledge is ready to
spring into action. You can see for yourself that there is truly a close link between our
thoughts and feelings. One doesn’t have to rely on scientists to see that it is so. A thought
or a memory arises from feelings, independently of the will. Feelings even appear to be
inseparable from our memories. Feelings are what give meaning to our memories, and
conversely, from feelings memories arise. Our memory is a huge storehouse of
associations. If feelings manifest in the body, then they summon up matching thoughts. If
you feel indisposed and isolated, then memories of situations in which you experienced
these same feelings will arise.
This process is so deeply imbedded within us that, more or less consciously, thoughts arise,
using memory and thinking together, which try to explain why we feel the way we do. Such
a process can become drawn out and very intense and form a kind of closed circuit of
frenetic mental activity. Thoughts give rise to new and transient feelings of malaise, which
are themselves tied up with other feelings, and along with this feeling of malaise there may
be feelings of separation. Fear or anger come and go, and they give rise to yet more
fleeting thoughts. This negative spiral of thought and feeling can so overwhelm us that we
do not have the necessary space within to have any awareness of what is going on. This
means that we are so overwhelmed, so filled up with thoughts and feelings, that we are not
aware that we are sitting here in a quiet place, and that everything is taking place within. We
are caught up and imprisoned in a web of thoughts and feelings, feelings and thoughts, a
self-perpetuating cycle. And if there is enough physiological activity taking place, then we
are everything but a person who is aware of his actions. We become lost in a world of
illusions.
IS IT POSSIBLE TO BREAK THIS CYCLE OF THOUGHT AND FEELING? How can we
break out of this cycle? After all, everyone has observed that such situations do come to an
end. Is it possible to install some kind of lever we could pull to bring the process to a halt, or
does it happen all by itself? Is it possible to merely observe the whole process taking place,
once it starts up? Can we bring these inner happenings into the Here and Now, so that we
can see, in the Moment, what is really taking place? Or is the whole process just too
overpowering? Is one so overwhelmed and filled up with feeling and thought that it is
impossible to reveal what is going on in the body and mind?
At the beginning of such a transformation, there is always a moment of awareness. This is
something which happens: there is no doer. But, happily, such spontaneous moments of
awareness really happen quite often. See this for yourself! Awareness is given to us, and
we underestimate how many such moments occur. This is because we don’t take these
moments of awareness seriously, and for this reason do not store them away in the
memory. If we spend a few moments in the Here and Now, then the devilish cycle is broken,
nor do we have to do anything. The process has been interrupted, because we can then
clearly see how it has taken place automatically and independently of our will. We may feel
traces of the physical upheaval in our bodies and maybe we can also feel how it is ebbing
away
Often, this awareness only lasts a brief moment, and the cycle of thinking and feeling starts
up again. If there is no continuity of Awareness, then the thinking and feeling starts up
again, unnoticed, until a new spark of Awareness breaks the movement. This unconscious
process is not always as dramatic and over-whelming as I have described it here, and we
most often find these emotional states perfectly normal, and if we do wake up to them, we
see this as being unimportant. These states do not take up all the space within, and there
remains enough inner space for us to realize what is happening. Why do we not remain in
this state of awareness? There is often a kind of resistance to looking at what is happening,
with awareness. For example, we would like to act on our anger. With anger there comes a
certain desire to feed the whole process, to find even more reasons to explain why you
have been ill-treated, or to find even more things that are not right in a given situation. And,
with all the challenges and ups and downs that are part of our everyday lives, it seems as
though stopping and being aware is not an appropriate way to for us to go about breaking
away from this unconscious cycle of thought and feeling. Whether it is through lack of
energy or will power, or being spiritually overwhelmed, these unconscious processes run on
and on, and we find ourselves in a waking dream-state made up of thoughts and feelings,
shallow at best, but often painful, that are punctuated by the occasional moment of waking
up from it all. Maybe I am describing this too negatively, but everyone can now see for
himself how much of his time he spends in this half-aware state. Ask yourself: Must we
inevitably spend most of our time lost in these unconscious, unimportant inner processes,
helplessly overwhelmed by a flood of thoughts and feelings? Is it possible to be part of the
River of Life, and to spend more time in the awareness of Here and Now?
WHAT DOES SILENT MEDITATION DO?
Can silent meditation be of any use to us? When you spend time in silent meditation, you
have the space you need in order to look into this whole matter. A spacious inner mind
might also present itself, but this is always a gift. In the course of a week of meditation,
when you devote whole days to looking with interest and attention at how we go from a
dream state to clarity, back and forth, it is more likely for us to perceive a change taking
place. The absence of outside stimulation makes us more sensitive. Our body quiets down
and there is a sharpened inner awareness. Still, it is like a moment of grace when such a
moment endures: I like to call this ‘ Presence ‘. Then, of a sudden, the going back and forth
from awareness to absence of awareness comes to an end, for a while, and an underlying
awareness makes itself felt in our thoughts, feelings and perceptions, all in the light of
consciousness. The body is quiet but full of energy. It becomes an aware and sensitive
instrument, and the roiling flood of thoughts and images that caused such turmoil becomes
a mere trickle.
Becoming directly aware of the inner show, of how the half-conscious switching back and
forth between thoughts and feelings takes place: this is the whole point of meditation.
Becoming aware contains this movement. One doesn’t have to do anything. Thoughts about
‘doing something better ‘ or ‘ wanting something else ‘ are all part of the show. Out of
separation comes wholeness, and a dynamic one-ness with all that is. When this happens,
one can see how the stream of automatic thoughts stutters and stalls as the machine
comes to a stop.
FEELINGS ARE THE PERCEPTIONS OF AN ACTIVE BODY
Meditation does not alter your bodily state immediately, nor have I said that it will lead to a
state of perfect bodily harmony. For example, if you remember a situation that triggers
feelings of fear and then there is a moment of awareness, then perhaps you can see that
you still feel bad, or even worse, that a dull feeling of discomfort has turned into a clearly
perceived sharp sensation.. Not feeling quite right is a bodily sensation produced by
hormones which are released into the body. It is a chemical process. Adrenalin, cortisol and
other hormones circulate in the blood and spread all through the body. So what is actually
happening? Memories, perhaps of being humiliated, may summon up a potent mixture of
fear and anger. These memories lead to the body releasing hormones which result in the
bodily sensations. A feeling, then, is the perception of a bodily disturbance, of the body
adapting.
Our primeval emotional make-up makes no distinction between a real and present danger,
and the memory of a dangerous event which is far in the past. The intensity of the bodily
reaction may well be different, but the quality of the reaction is the same and has the same
effect: there is fear.
When the hormones are released, our primeval body reacts at once, summoning up more
strength in order to fight, or getting the legs ready for flight. Energy is freed up within the
body, which starts to metabolize sugar. Then digestion slows down and muscle groups
tense up, which we experience as a queasy feeling in the stomach. This whole process is
already beginning or is in full swing, when a moment of awareness manifests. We continue
to perceive the feeling until the body has gotten all these processes underway, and,
depending on the intensity of the feeling, this can last a long time. And we can go on feeling
bad even after the unleashed memories, the cause of it all, have quieted down. There is no
need to fret just because the body needs time to calm down and return to normal.
Fortunately, most feelings are not that powerful, like when you are startled, for example,
and the body returns to normal in seconds or minutes. But when there is real fear or raging
anger, you can be overwhelmed. There can be a strong bodily reaction and it can be hours
before we can quiet down. We love looking for ways in which we can quickly get rid of
unpleasant feelings, and then we’re disappointed when not even a moment of awareness
interrupting the process is enough to make the feelings go away. This is why it is good to
know how the body works. Then we are not disappointed and we give the body the time it
needs. If external threats do indeed elicit powerful emotions, then all the greater our need to
understand how the body works. Once I was out driving with a friend. Traffic was backed up
on the highway and we couldn’t really see that the cars in front of us were stopped. My
friend had good reflexes, but there was not enough room for the brakes to kick in and we
were going to ram the car in front of us. She veered over onto the shoulder of the road
where there were no cars and we came to a full stop. Nothing bad happened, but we were
too shocked to say a single word. Then my friend started to cry. We both felt the enormous
tension, which was dissipating little by little. I don’t know if I was aware of the passage of
time, but we must have spent at least ten minutes on the side of the road before we got
back under way. Crying is a typical reaction when extreme tension is broken. It was only
long after this incident that I came to better understand some of the ways our body works.
We have this wonderful ability to act with lightning speed, without thinking, in reacting to an
emergency. This marvelous ability to act without thinking may well have saved our lives. I
understood how important and how right it was for the body to react dramatically to a
dangerous situation. It was also clear to me that the body needs more time to get back to
normal after such an event. Even when our bodily reactions only give rise to thoughts and
memories, it serves no purpose and can be even more confusing if we struggle against
these feelings. You may feel frightened, angry or unwell, but these are states of the body
which have their own meaning and which are needed for survival. Can you give the body
the time it needs to come back into balance? Is this possible?
It is important to remain aware when the body is in all stirred up. Then, even if we have a
moment of Presence in the here and now, and see at the outset what has stirred up the
body, the body is still disturbed, and the brain produces thoughts to go with the sensations.
This means that, when you don’t stay present and aware and do not try to see what is
taking place, a whole new series of thoughts and feelings starts up. These thoughts elicit
more reactions in the body, and the body is not at peace. Instead of our feelings slowly
ebbing away, there comes a new wave of emotion. The boat rocks and takes on water.
More memories arise and the waves come over the side. This can continue to happen long
after the danger is past. “How could I not have seen the car in front? Wasn’t I looking? We
almost wiped out! I’m a bad driver. “ These thoughts continue to be a source of disturbance:
days after the danger is past, feelings still well up, unbidden.
A man was telling me once about his marital troubles and how the situation at home was
escalating. He told me that at one point, for days at a time, he and his wife would not say a
word to each other. They were both wounded so deeply, so caught up in their feelings, that
communication was no longer possible. Must this happen, when no real danger is present?
I don’t know. Maybe, sometimes, our emotions are so all-powerful that we are swamped,
and no awareness is possible, no peace is possible, and all roads to Oneness are closed
off. But even in situations where there is no way out and a relationship breaks down, it
comes to an end sooner or later, and the couple make up or go their separate ways.
A central aspect of our age-old emotions such as fear, anger or disgust, is a deep feeling of
separation. Closely bound up with our feelings is the clear perception of a small and
separate being that feels threatened. We feel painfully apart, and it cannot be any other
way. If we look at what these feelings are actually doing, namely making it clear to us who is
being threatened (this very body), it becomes clear that such an insight is only possible
through the clear perception of the organism itself. So we say things like: “I’m the one who
has been hurt, not you; I am the one suffering, of this there is no doubt. You might be
suffering too, but at the moment, I don’t really care. “
So we find ourselves coming back to what makes us different from reptiles and amphibians.
With these animals, the defensive function of feelings only manifests when there is an
actual physical danger present. But human beings are capable of complex social
interaction. It is our cerebral cortex which makes this possible; it is almost absent in reptiles
and amphibians. Our network of feelings has not been replaced by the cerebral cortex; it is
fully operational and closely connected to this new part of the brain. So this is how our ageold system of defensive feelings comes into play, not only when there is a real physical
danger present, but also when there are social ‘threats’. There are words which can deliver
a blow like a club, but our rules of social engagement prevent us from coming to blows. In
spite of this, our age-old brain reacts to a word or a thought as though it were an actual
physical threat. When our boss says something negative or disparaging, we feel as though
we are being threatened with a club, and his words elicit the same reaction in the body,
which want to fight back, protect itself or flee. Can you observe this happening within you? If
you can, is it possible to recognize and accept that this is our nature, without approval or
disapproval entering into it? Now a social threat can be life-threatening: you can be kicked
out of your profession or lose your job. There was a time when, if you were shut out of a
group, it could indeed be life-threatening. Activating the thinking and feeling machine can
also harm the body, especially in the presence of chronic stress. Long-term stress can ruin
your health or even endanger your life, but an appropriate emotional response to a situation
can also save your life.
QUIET MEDITATION IN THE PRESENCE OF FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS
What has been said thus far about emotions has perhaps aroused within you the curiosity to
carefully observe for yourself the complex interaction of thoughts and feelings within. This is
what meditation is for. It is often hard in our busy everyday lives to find the spiritual space
needed for awareness, but there is always the possibility that it will manifest when you sit in
silent meditation. Old memories succeed one another, ceaselessly, but if you stay with it
and observe what is happening in the head and in the gut, then it is possible to see directly
how memory elicits feeling. This reaction is most often not overwhelming; you have spiritual
elbow room. You can ask: “What is that? What’s happening? “. Is it possible for one to just
look at what is taking place, in a state of Awareness, in the here and now? This means that
everything takes place in the moment. Is it possible to be with the feelings that do come up,
in the present moment? There are thoughts, but the coming and going of the breath also,
and the bodily sensations which are there, right at that moment. Maybe the memory has
given rise to fear and a feeling of separation, but with Awareness something astonishing
takes place: the feeling of separation and of being apart again becomes Oneness. The
whole process can be seen in the here and now. We are no longer this separate little
organism that feels threatened; instead, there is once again a connection to the wholeness
of things. There is more room; there is openness, and no one has made this happen. Out of
something that happened to us, where we were stuck, and which still makes us suffer (but
we are not aware of this), a memory appeared. We come back to the Here and Now and
see the memory as just a memory, the thoughts as thoughts, and the feelings as bodily
reactions caused by the memories. The transformation could hardly be more complete. The
thought machine stalls, and the wild, unconscious swinging back and forth from thought to
feeling, from feeling to thought, stops, and the mechanism just falls apart. And how does the
body feel just then? You look: is there still a tightening in the chest, do we have a queasy
stomach? If so, then you just stay with it. The endless stream of thought has been broken.
The brain is quiet. But maybe there is still a vague feeling of separation and of tightness
around the stomach. Is it possible to just be with all this?
Most of the time we would like things to be different, isn’t this true? These feeling should go
away. But you can also understand that the body needs time, and that you are just there
where you are. There is nothing to do, no need to do anything. The body can quiet down all
by itself, if it is not fed with new thoughts.
And is it possible to simply observe what is happening when fear comes up, for example,
without getting lost in the fear or wanting it to go away? Can there be a real and lively
interest in staying with what is taking place, right now? With awareness, the feeling of fear is
transformed: it’s like going home. When it becomes clear that we can always take leave of
our endless thoughts and feelings and return to the here and now, then we can simply be
quiet and look at what is taking place. Fear and anger become transparent and we are no
longer tied into feeding emotion with thought. Instead of unconscious thinking, there is
Awareness, and the body at last finds peace. There is no more swinging back and forth.
Strong feelings are sensations which manifest and then change; this is their natural
movement. They fade away. It is simply a matter of staying with what is happening looking, hearing, feeling, not doing anything. Is this possible? I am seeking to awaken your
interest in this whole process. Usually, we don’t want to touch unpleasant feelings; we just
want them to go away and we don’t have the patience to just observe them. You could think
that it’s masochistic even, to say that I should be patient and come to terms my anger and
fear, and that I have to put up with the whole thing! But that is not what is meant. It is a
matter of being able to be just as you are, from one moment to the next, be there fear, or
anger, or that beautiful, healing stillness which is Oneness. Being aware of what takes place
anyway does not make us different: it just throws light on what is taking place and is itself.
Awareness is transformation.
There would appear to be many different ways of feeling that one is separate and apart, but
there is just one feeling of joy and Oneness. There is fear and anger, jealousy and disgust,
envy and spite, and all the other words for our separation from others and from the world
around us. But when these feelings release their grip, then we reach the very roots of our
being. When nothing is disturbed, when we are really not threatened nor do we feel
threatened, there is just One-ness and Open-ness, and the body is at peace. Not the
absence of sound, not quiet in the sense that there are no outer sounds, but rather “the
body is at peace, and the spirit also“. There can be a feeble trickle of thought, a little stream,
but not a torrent of overwhelming feelings. But when we start thinking about how we come
to this state of quiet and peace, and then say to ourselves: “I absolutely must reach this
state of Freedom!”, then we are missing what is actually happening. We can no longer see
what is going on within, in the moment, and the interest in Reality is absent.
We are dynamic, endlessly changing creatures. The purpose of meditation cannot be to
always be stoical and completely calm and collected. That would mean an impoverishment
of our capacity to feel. Life is a constantly dynamic process. How meaningless it would be to
try to smooth everything out, quite apart from the fact that this would be quite impossible to
do. The loss of our emotions would be an illness, and would bring with it depression, not
healing. It is in our nature to get all stirred up, and then things quiet down, or we are
overcome with fear, and then it goes away. This is normal, healthy living. We would get sick
if we were to be constantly frightened or angry, but when there is this dynamic to and fro,
there is also a return to peace and quiet. This is the true picture of our dynamic daily living.
It possesses a quality and intensity of life which I would not want to be without.
So what is it like now, in this very moment, after all we have just heard? What are our
thoughts and feelings, in this very moment? How do they interact? Can we get away from
these big ideas and intellectual concepts and simply observe the ever-changing mind, just
letting it run on, and in this way learn how the whole thing works? Can you take all these
goals and just throw them overboard?
Maybe then, in a moment of wild surprise, the longed-for peace and Oneness will just
appear.